Only life I know

The Ativan in the dresser drawer calls everyday. I usually put it off with a terse "later". Well today there was no more laters. 3mg down and I feel like I imagine normal people do. The days to my 30th bday countdown on my calendar to the point I feel I'm waiting for my execution.

See I was never supposed to see 30. I was never supposed to quit heroin. I wasn't supposed to push all my friends away. I wasn't supposed to be unemployed and living with my parents.

I was supposed to be dead of some crazy drug combo in my 20s. I was supposed to have fallen madly in love with some hippy girl. We would shoot dope together until the end. I was supposed to have Daniel Mike and David by my side.

So the million dollar question becomes where from here? I could keep trying to kill myself and either die or end up in the state hospital. I would be ok with that. Probably even more then ok if truth be told. Or I could disappear west or north east cut off all contact and go back to heroin. Or just forget the heroin get back on methadone. The least appealing option is to go to rehab then sober living and rebuild like that. I don't see that working for me. I just have no patience for that whole process.

Whatever I decide it's going to be soon. The current situation isn't sustainable.

 

Seems like you've been on a mission Haha jk. I'm kinda new to this site, still trying to figure it all out.🙄 It seems to help relax me some just reading others that write on here. I skimmed through and caught a little bit of your life story. If you dont mind me asking maybe even a dumb question or just plain fucking stupid. You dont have to reply if you dnt wanna.. I have severe PTSD and deal with depression, was just curious to why you seem to wanna die at times? I've had many moments, jw about you. Would like to hear your story if you wanna tell. I hope I dont offend you in any way but if I do please say so.. keeping you in my prayers.

 

I remember reading this when i first came (back) to bluelight and tried to reply but couldn't figure it out.....I've been somewhere similar mate, i was addicted to Heroin .....i decided i had to quit when i realised i was addicted, the person who intro'd it to me was living with me at my Mum's house and the idea that my Mum may well find me dead of a heroin overdose when she had absolutely no idea i'd been taking it or the nice man i brought back from Goa with me 'an architect' who wore nice suits and said all the right things was meeting dealers in pubs...sometimes waiting hours for them...they knew he'd wait of course...being the addict he was....anyway...here's me rambling again.....forget the age thing...age is but a number and that becomes evidently more obvious after 30...the shock of hitting 30 is tough after being 20's for that 10 years...30 is but the middle age out on the horizon somewhere far off for a 20something....forget the 'meant to's' as you cannot go back only forwards with the knowledge, wisdom and experience from your past...it is our fuck-ups that teach us

 

I have a cluster B personality disorder that's narrowed down to borderline personality disorder or bipolar 2. I also have PTSD and ADHD. I was severly sexually abused as a child from age 6-11 by an older neighbor. That really fucked me up.

I want to die because I am miserable. I have no job and have never had one more then a couple months in my life. I live with and am supported by my mom. My mom is crazy and it's not a peaceful existence. I just feel like if this is all my life will ever be I'd rather be dead. Hell even when things where going better I had rather been dead. So when all signs point one way why fight it?

 

I have a cluster B personality disorder that's narrowed down to borderline personality disorder or bipolar 2. I also have PTSD and ADHD. I was severly sexually abused as a child from age 6-11 by an older neighbor. That really fucked me up.

I want to die because I am miserable. I have no job and have never had one more then a couple months in my life. I live with and am supported by my mom. My mom is crazy and it's not a peaceful existence. I just feel like if this is all my life will ever be I'd rather be dead. Hell even when things where going better I had rather been dead. So when all signs point one way why fight it?

i too find i yearn for eternal sleep....however the strange thing of recent has been that on DMT i thought i had died....and then i wished i hadn't....i thought i was stuck in limbo to repeat over and over again the last moments of my life and live eternal regret....that kinda got me thinking that despite being internally fucked there is some type of purpose for me....just as reading through your lines...there is a purpose for you....its just very hard not to be blindsighted by all the shit we happen to see our life through....its like we wear shit tinted glasses that have been stapled onto our faces and we cannot remove them....hark at me giving advice!! i'm as fucked as they come.....no but seriously your neighbor should pay for what they did to you....but don't allow that to define you...keep fighting, you're stronger than you give yourself credit for and you have a beautiful way with words