When I opened and read her email, it consisted of one sentence in its entirety, "This is it. I've got to leave him." A sentence I've been reading since I first met her on line some 6 months ago, maybe 9? It's the kind of thing I believe she thinks is right for her, but will never really do, so I wrote back:
Sigh. Dunno how to advise you on that one. It's kinda hard, I don't know what's going on with you guys, if it's just discontent, or more serious, but you should do what you know in your heart is right. Whatever's going on, I sense that the turmoil with Jay, the methadone, is merely the tip of the iceberg. On one hand, you hate the chains that bind you perhaps, Jay, the methadone......yet on the other the chains that bind are also the ones that protect from uncertain maybe more harsh realities than the unknown.
I know that one day towards the end of 2006, there was this religious program that came on asking people to call in and pray to have whatever ailment is holding them back removed. I did. I called in to have my obsession with drugs removed, I got busted 2 wks later. I had been 5 wks from completing this court ordered Prop 36, which is 18 months of classes 1-2 x per week plus mandatory drug testing. For 18 months I either had to stay clean 3 days b4 test, drink this $40 clear flush to test clean Monday, sweat and wait the impossibly longest 2 minutes of the last 3 days from hell for the stupid test to say I was clean, or stuff someone else's clean pee up my twat & manage the tricky business of getting the clean pee into the cup while the friggin drug counselor stood there and watched me piss, or go without using that week, which was probably 3 times total for 18 months.
I was almost finished with that business, then a cop decides he got nothin better to do than fuck with me as I came from my dealers walking, he demanded to search me so I got popped for a $10 worth of speed, served 17 days in county jail, then had to start Prop 36 all over again. Then when I DID do Prop 36 over, I swear the obsession to use had literally vanished 11 days after being in jail. So by the time 17 days was served, the physical kicking had ceased, & the mental/emotional craving had simply vanished which was fucking WEIRD. I guess the first thing I experienced was an intensified feeling of relief. Without being tortured by cravings or kicking, I didn't HAVE to score.
It was a relief to have the fucking law off my back, & it's amazing how EASY doing the state ordered program was to pass, then complete, & as you know that was when I got serious about NA. Living clean had benefits I hadn't taken for granted in a long time, like having more money, not being broke to the penny, and having friends in the program that were way more willing to help out like with rides to work constantly without being paid. Mom was off my case, it seemed the world was off my case & it was, but then there was the flip side. The "unknown."
Once I stayed clean for a couple months it also became apparent that using had suppressed my ADD, kept my weight in check, kept me mobile & attractive, kept me free from physical pain like migraines & the horrific monthlies. When I stopped using, I couldn't write songs or poetry anymore, I just couldn't get into the zone. Another sad reality that was hard was being fat & I knew as long as I stayed clean I would also remain unnattractive. The straw that broke me finally was the chronic fatigue. I simply refused to live that way after 9 months knowing there was temporary relief from being tired 24/7. The rest is history. If I had it to do over, I defo wouldn't of touched Tramadol with a 10 ft pole, but that's hindsight.
I guess the main regret for me right now are the finances. So, not using freed me up from some things which was great, but imposed barriers like no creativity, & being forced to live with ADD & obesity. To this day, I'm convinced still that shooting speed is preferable to being 80 lbs heavier with high B/P, cholesterol, chronic fatigue, & borderline diabetes all of which hit me head on clean & now they're gone. I got things done clean like day to day mundane responsibilities & other shit I hate dealing with that life throws at you that didn't pile up---like they do when I'm using.
Using is both a blessing & a curse. Being clean is a blessing & a curse. The only answer I've found that would probably work best for me would be using on a schedule. I did that 2 years, clean 3 months, off work 7 days with a big old sack. Unfortunately, I'm dealing with chronic fatigue & trying to work around that is like trying to show a marshmallow into a key hole hoping it will jimmy the damn lock. The ties that protect & the ties that bind....
So what do I do now pray & ask for another miracle? I've done that a thousand times, starting somewhere in the 9 months I was struggling with the damned Tramadol. Still, for whatever reason, this miracle for me this time, never came. From a strictly logical point of view, all I can come up with is that when I was in jail for 17 days, I didn't have to worry about going to work, hustling to make a living, & pay my rent. I didn't have to worry about being to tired or too strung out to work. I felt "normal" after 11 days, then I felt good. I'm not saying I wish to go back to jail, but I was very upset & frustrated because I wanted off, & couldn't find a way out. Mom wouldn't let me slack on the rent for a month. I know it's not her fault I took Tramadol, but my point is trying to correct that mistake. I'm sorry I couldn't of done the Ibogaine thing like I wanted, but what I wanted & wished for don't mean squat now does it?
Yesterday my car took a royal shit on me of course. I wasn't in the mood to fight with Mom about giving her more money, so instead of going through this hell, I just gave her $100 instead of the $50 I had planned. I would of had some money to make other arrangements to get to work at least. Fuck.
So no doubt, Cyndee is gonna be pissed when I am gonna be forced to renig on making a car payment this month, as I can't afford a goddamned bloody transmission. I don't know if I should go through this thing with Javier or if that's plain foolish. On the one hand it seems completely logical way of solving my freaken rent/transportation problems, but on the other, could be opening up a can of worms being stuck in a marriage I don't really want---unless he's actually gonna adhere to the terms I dictated up front. I HATE being faced dealing with shit I know nothing about!! Life sucks at times when you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.
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