Am freaked out and trying to avoid a panic attack. God how I HATE me & my stupid dumb ass fear! I've felt paralyzsed & done nothing or
acted guilty when I shoudn't because I don't know how to proceed in a situation & either end up doing nothing, or if I do act, end up
botching it up worse than if I'd done nothing at all. FUCK!! I HATE this!!!! It's the money thing again, but what started the freak out is the
fucking car. Naturally it broke. Of course the transmission is an $800 minimum repair job, which of course I don't have so I'm freaking out.
I had hassles getting to work 2 nights last week because now I don't have a car. Sam agreed to drive me, but that's gonna cost $100/wk =
$400/mo & I've so had it with this crap! I've decided there's no damn way I'm paying $400/mo. I talked with Mom about this business who
once again says buy a car at a dealership & blah blah asking for $100 a week again, now I'm throwing my hands up in the air laughing this
sarcastic laugh & you know what? Honest to Christ it's not happening thats what. 10 million people blew up my damn [phone last couple
nights, Javier was one of them. He was upset with me for not getting back to him. I would be too, but the more I think about this deal,
I dunno, I suspect this will have to turn out to be WAY more hassle than it's worth & I don't want to be stuck in a high maintainance pain in the
ass marriage. Mom said to do what I want, but she advises against it. She hosted a foreign husband & it's a lot of trouble to go through,
and as much as I want to be able to not pay rent, I'm afraid Javier is going to be extremely pissed at my answer, but my mind is make up.
I do agree with Mom in that she said, "fIf he was going to pay you $15,000 that would be different. He hasn't got that kind of money, I under-
stand that, but money is what I'm lacking , & the one thing I desparately need. "What if he loses his job? What if he loses his apartment?
What if he goes back to drinking? We got along fine when he was drinking, he always had a much easier finding better paying work than
I have, but Mom raises a valid point. Fuck getting stuck living in a place where I wouldn't have my own room, He's back to blowing up my
phone again and I'm sorry but I think Mom's right on this one. Now the real shit thing is having to deal with the car sellers, getting a car at
some fucking dealership which makes me sick knowing what outrageous inter4est they're gonna charge me. Mom said to have Bruce go
with me so I don't get reamed as badly. In the meantime, hell I just may get a room in Garden Grove, fuck I just want to get to and from work without all this fucking drama. Fuck. Sigh. Ok time to face the music & these dickwads I guess. The methadone I bought from Dave is starting
to kick in so I can calm down a bit and deal. I HATE having this fucked up fear rule my damn life whenever I have to do things I know
nothing about.
30 min later: Ok I'm a bit more calm, & focused. I'm still afraid, but I'm trying to get myself to chill the fuck out. I read over a blog entry when I did meditation, it helped a bit. I was clean, but I had panic attacks, just dealt with them differently, & didn't let all my fears pile up by avoiding them. This was also working the Steps of NA. Mom is correct in that the support of the network does help, no doubt about it. Because I can't go threre
and pass myself off as clean, I couldn't even do that on just Tramadol. I was off REAL drugs for the longest time, & technically I WAS clean, but there was no bullshitting myself. One night I said to myself, "Ok homegirl, forget what everyone else would say about this Tramadol business. Hell I even got a pass from my sponsor, bless her heart, but the question, "What do YOU say? Are you clean?" Sighing to myself, I answered myself honestly, "No. I say I am not." "Well, then, came my retort to myself, "You have your answer then."
Even using, deep in my heart of hearts, no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I'm ok when I'm not or that someone else is wrong and I am right, if I honestly feel I'm in the wrong, no amount of times I attempt to tell myself otherwise is gonna get past my own bullshit detectors. This is why I've never made a good liar. If I don't believe myself, then no one else will either, it's that simple. So, when I finally had to face myself with the sad truth, the answer was "Yes girl, you relapsed a long time ago on Tramadol. It doesn't matter that you're not doing other drugs yet, you relapsed pure & simple." I didn't feel the same, the spiritual high I had clean, even when I wasn't liking life. Once an addictive substance I failed to kick got it's teeth in me, that was that. I felt like others knew me secret too, though I hadn't discussed it with anyone other than my sponsor, but it was easier to finally accept the truth to myself. The Steps hit the self honesty principle and hammered it into my conscienceness even further and harder than b4 & drove it home full force, making self deception impossible even if I'd wanted to continue the game.
So, I'm nervous still, & Christ, it's I don't know how I'm gona get the solution into practice....but paying Sam $400/mo to get to work is not acceptable to me at all. Fuck. Fine. I just have no idea how or how soon I'm going to go about resolving this, but I'm damn tired of flushing my hard earned $$ down the toilet. Ok now I guess the fun begins. Dealing with these motherfuckers that have been blowing up my phone non stop the past 36 hrs while I was too paranoid and panicy to talk to these fuckers. The time is now. I can hardly wait, oh goody.
acted guilty when I shoudn't because I don't know how to proceed in a situation & either end up doing nothing, or if I do act, end up
botching it up worse than if I'd done nothing at all. FUCK!! I HATE this!!!! It's the money thing again, but what started the freak out is the
fucking car. Naturally it broke. Of course the transmission is an $800 minimum repair job, which of course I don't have so I'm freaking out.
I had hassles getting to work 2 nights last week because now I don't have a car. Sam agreed to drive me, but that's gonna cost $100/wk =
$400/mo & I've so had it with this crap! I've decided there's no damn way I'm paying $400/mo. I talked with Mom about this business who
once again says buy a car at a dealership & blah blah asking for $100 a week again, now I'm throwing my hands up in the air laughing this
sarcastic laugh & you know what? Honest to Christ it's not happening thats what. 10 million people blew up my damn [phone last couple
nights, Javier was one of them. He was upset with me for not getting back to him. I would be too, but the more I think about this deal,
I dunno, I suspect this will have to turn out to be WAY more hassle than it's worth & I don't want to be stuck in a high maintainance pain in the
ass marriage. Mom said to do what I want, but she advises against it. She hosted a foreign husband & it's a lot of trouble to go through,
and as much as I want to be able to not pay rent, I'm afraid Javier is going to be extremely pissed at my answer, but my mind is make up.
I do agree with Mom in that she said, "fIf he was going to pay you $15,000 that would be different. He hasn't got that kind of money, I under-
stand that, but money is what I'm lacking , & the one thing I desparately need. "What if he loses his job? What if he loses his apartment?
What if he goes back to drinking? We got along fine when he was drinking, he always had a much easier finding better paying work than
I have, but Mom raises a valid point. Fuck getting stuck living in a place where I wouldn't have my own room, He's back to blowing up my
phone again and I'm sorry but I think Mom's right on this one. Now the real shit thing is having to deal with the car sellers, getting a car at
some fucking dealership which makes me sick knowing what outrageous inter4est they're gonna charge me. Mom said to have Bruce go
with me so I don't get reamed as badly. In the meantime, hell I just may get a room in Garden Grove, fuck I just want to get to and from work without all this fucking drama. Fuck. Sigh. Ok time to face the music & these dickwads I guess. The methadone I bought from Dave is starting
to kick in so I can calm down a bit and deal. I HATE having this fucked up fear rule my damn life whenever I have to do things I know
nothing about.
30 min later: Ok I'm a bit more calm, & focused. I'm still afraid, but I'm trying to get myself to chill the fuck out. I read over a blog entry when I did meditation, it helped a bit. I was clean, but I had panic attacks, just dealt with them differently, & didn't let all my fears pile up by avoiding them. This was also working the Steps of NA. Mom is correct in that the support of the network does help, no doubt about it. Because I can't go threre
and pass myself off as clean, I couldn't even do that on just Tramadol. I was off REAL drugs for the longest time, & technically I WAS clean, but there was no bullshitting myself. One night I said to myself, "Ok homegirl, forget what everyone else would say about this Tramadol business. Hell I even got a pass from my sponsor, bless her heart, but the question, "What do YOU say? Are you clean?" Sighing to myself, I answered myself honestly, "No. I say I am not." "Well, then, came my retort to myself, "You have your answer then."
Even using, deep in my heart of hearts, no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I'm ok when I'm not or that someone else is wrong and I am right, if I honestly feel I'm in the wrong, no amount of times I attempt to tell myself otherwise is gonna get past my own bullshit detectors. This is why I've never made a good liar. If I don't believe myself, then no one else will either, it's that simple. So, when I finally had to face myself with the sad truth, the answer was "Yes girl, you relapsed a long time ago on Tramadol. It doesn't matter that you're not doing other drugs yet, you relapsed pure & simple." I didn't feel the same, the spiritual high I had clean, even when I wasn't liking life. Once an addictive substance I failed to kick got it's teeth in me, that was that. I felt like others knew me secret too, though I hadn't discussed it with anyone other than my sponsor, but it was easier to finally accept the truth to myself. The Steps hit the self honesty principle and hammered it into my conscienceness even further and harder than b4 & drove it home full force, making self deception impossible even if I'd wanted to continue the game.
So, I'm nervous still, & Christ, it's I don't know how I'm gona get the solution into practice....but paying Sam $400/mo to get to work is not acceptable to me at all. Fuck. Fine. I just have no idea how or how soon I'm going to go about resolving this, but I'm damn tired of flushing my hard earned $$ down the toilet. Ok now I guess the fun begins. Dealing with these motherfuckers that have been blowing up my phone non stop the past 36 hrs while I was too paranoid and panicy to talk to these fuckers. The time is now. I can hardly wait, oh goody.
