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Do I really want to spend my entire days salary on an oxy 80? I actually think I do. I actually think I will. I actually think I'm going too.

It's settled.

They banned me from entering my local Tesco because they claimed I stole a sandwich, even though I had nothing on me at all. They refused to look at CCTV so I got very pissed off and laid down on the floor. I was there for half an hour with various people standing around me in a circle. The security guard could not stop laughing but said he had to call the police as he didn't want to lose his job. Eventually they removed me but chastised the staff for being such pricks. So Tesco, you can kiss my arse!

So I'm sure most out there, especially opiate fans, know about recent occurrences in the pharmaceutical community. One of which being the new formula Oxycontin, which seems at least for now to be pretty damn tamper resistant. While I am sure this will be circumvented in some way, it is definitely going to have a big impact on the black market and demand for these pills, as most abusers snort or shoot their OC

Another is the change in Florida's system. I read somewhere that Fl will be updating their system and using a database like every other state, so the pill party will be ending shortly. Florida is quite well known for its easy accessibility to pain pills, and I highly doubt opiate users will just say "the government is right, let's stop abusing our opis"

Now I'm sure the cartels and drug organizations have been watching this transpire with wide open eyes and drooling mouths. The changes in the flow of opiates seems to beg for them to take over and move their product into areas and demographics that previously were satisfied before the systemic changes occurred. As I said, the people who are affected by this most likely aren't going to just sit down and give up their opiates. Also, while the tamper may be broken, it is also evident most drug users are not chemists or scientific geniuses. Most people who abuse drugs want the quickest, easiest, cheapest way to their high

My question is how do you think this recent shift is going to change the flow and availability of heroin. Many know that OC is referred to by many as "hillbilly heroin". In many areas outside of major urban settings, OC and pain pills are easier and cheaper to come by, and often outdo heroin in terms of basic pricing as well as potency(heroin being cut to hell the further from the source it goes). Do you think there will be an expansion in the dope market? Mexican heroin seems to be quite lucrative in this modern day, as evidenced by the drug war going on down there. It seems to me they'd be especially interested in expanding former OC territory. I'm sure as well that Colombian organizations have been keeping notes, and especially along the east coast and Florida. I could see a rise in heroin occurring very soon. Lastly, do you think if heroin is to see a surge, it will have any effect on current major heroin markets? I doubt it would myself, but it could lead to a rise in purity, even on a temporary basis so as to hook customers. Even in major dope markets OC abuse is still pretty common, especially among people climbing the opiate ladder. I could see a spike in potency occurring in order to hook new customers

Granted this is all pure speculation on my part. How do you think recent changes in pharmaceutical opiates to deter abuse will affect the heroin trade, if it does at all?

I need to vent. I need to rant. I hope I dont' offend anyone --- I'm putting it in NSFW tags and filing it under "misogyny."

This happened a few years ago, and though I haven't spoken to her for more than a year, my x-girlfriend Susan still leaves messages on my voicemail as though she believes nothign has happened and that we are close friends. (I realize I need change my phone number.) These voicemails bring back the memories. Here is one that, though it didn't involve me, I still need to exorcise from my system.

Mom left me a note 2 nights ago demanding $150/wk lol. Hear we fucking go again. I did go to the car dealership like she asked me to & they said because of the 5 late payments listed on my credit report, no bankrupsies or reposessions, that brought my credit score to a rediculous score of 563 & I just shook my head. The payments were late because of the garnishment. Now Mom and her shit again, truthfully I'm in a fucked position, I can't pay Sam $500/mo to get to work plus my other bills plus my fucking mom. The only thing I know to do is find a room to rent by where I work. I am tired of telling mom what my bills are and what my income is....what part of I don't have it does she NOT understand? So, finances are stressing me out. I really do need to try to sort this crap out, get the garnishment stopped, but I keep hitting a brick wall. I've got the feeling she plans on kicking me out, so hell I don't know. I don't want to move to a motel, I'd rather find a room first, as that would make life SOOOO much easier. I'm going to go duke this out with her now. I can hardly wait.

I started a garden in the backyard in the spring. But now that the summer is almost over, almost nothing, except for the peas, has done well. The tomatoes are still green. (In my area, not even the pros are getting red tomatoes. Out of 300 or so plants, even the local botanical group had about 5 with red tomatoes by Aug 25. The rest were green.) The squash is tiny. The lettuce is bitter. The kale is undersized. The spring and summer have been unusually cold and wet.

I didn't want this to be a "bitch fest" every time I get on here, even though it seems to be working out that way so far.
My first reasons for joining this site were to try and help others or at least be an ear for someone, anyone. I was looking for a place that I could be I guess my better self.

I have a lot of good things going in my life right now. As I damn well know wit the good normally the bad tends to follow, granted to different levels. When I can take a step back and look at my life I know that I have a whole lot to be grateful for. I am for getting some pretty big parts of my life back together.

Still I'm having a hard time dealing with losing my husband, my daughter (at once no less), friends and a part of myself. Slowly I am collecting the pieces and looking for some fucking glue.

i always knew i was destined to do something great..

ive had cotton fever for more than 24 hrs now im past the shakes jus havr the fever n my body still hurts wat do i do

Last nite i got my script for temazepam. I got 15mg and a bottle of thirty. My man got a six pack of mikes hard and then 4 of those big cans of mikes hard. I started with a does of 60mg and started drinking. I had my friend come over and chill (she didnt drink or take any pills). My boyfriend started to be all noddy (he started with 90mgs). We were trying to decide what to do, so we choose to go to the local college dorms and chill. That's all I remember.
My bf was asleep I apparently wrote him a note telling him I was going to the dorms with my friend. I dont remember ever leaving my apartment. I dont remember coming back.
I woke up today at around eleven and i discovered that all my temazepam was gone and I had taken 17 pills (225mgs) and i drank all the booze my bf had got. I feel like shit and now I'm drinking coffee and smoking cigs to try to get the feeling that i want to die out of my system. Hopefully my weed will get here soon and i can take bong hits all day. Worst/first benzo black out. NOT FUN

HaPpY BiRtHdAy!!!!!!!!!!!

Hope you have a WONDERFUL day!
We love you and appreciate all you do for BL


Thinking of you today!

--cont'd from entry b4 this one--


Or another joke played by Fate could be how even when you got your car all maintained, or even when you actually driving a nice, non junkie car -- a perfect, non descript whip that aint too new , but aint a old beater that screms "20somethin dopefeen with no money" -- and you DO use your blinkers and you DO come to a full stop at stop signs, you never know when the cop behind/next to/facin you on the other side of the road, is gonna pull you over becuz of some sht you CANT control, because of some total, complete, BULLSHIT.
*woop woop* "Good morning Im officer Haynes Paterson Police, I stopped you because there was a report of a car in the same make and model as yours being stolen, just checking it out, its a routine policy of ours, if your papers are legit and match your license youll be right on your way....By the way, where ya from? Morris county? wat're you boys doin all the way down here in this neighborhood, hmmm? Oh wait, wats that? is that a needle cap on the floor under your seat?" and we all know how it goes from there.

Wat Im sayin is, you just never fuckn know, so the "odds" of gettin caught, or how likely it shouldnt be if you are "prepared" , they dont mean 2, fuckin, shits. its just a dice roll every fuckin time, and until you realize that, you in denial about the risks you takin every day and the potential future you could end up with.

Its great to be confident and not all sketched out and shady, cuz cops and dboys alike can see that a mile away. But that self assured attitude of "na i do this all the time. this block is mad safe, it aint hot at all over here. we cool, dont stress, them piggies aint got shit on us" is the attitude that will fuck you. sure that block usually aint hot at all -- compared to the well known dope spots that get raided every weekend. but its probably pretty damn hot when u compare it to a ACTUALLY, truly not-hot place like when you drive to your boys house 5 minutes from your house in the suburbs to buy a few bags off him.

Anyways, OK, the block your "great spot" is on is cool, but you dont know everything happenin behind the scenes. Its all gravy to the people who aint livin there, but wat you dont know is that maybe another dealer is keepin his stash in his mamas crib, right under the unsuspecting nose of his old-ass moms in one of those nice, no-broken-window, only-a-lil-bit-chipped-paint, actual-green-lawn-havin, almost not-even-ghetto 2-family homes. and maybe the narcotics DT's just got a tip from a neighbor about it. Suddenly, the block is hot.

Or maybe yesterday there was a domestic violence problem at the house that you always sit in your car to meet your connect infront of, and the girlfriend-beater (sry for stereotypes, maybe its a chick whose a boyfriend-beater, lol idk) threatened to come back today and shut that bitch up for good this time, so theres a team of undercover detectives watching the block incase he comes back and tries to hurt the girl or her kids again. And you just parked right infront of the house where the girl lives.


See wat I mean? the recipe for youre-screwed salad is always in progress somewhere, unseen, lookin normal from the surface, just waitin for its final ingredient -- you. You feel me? So you got to understand...Its never safe. Theres measured risk. theres reasonable doubt that a cop would or wouldnt see you in the place you at. theres "relatively lo key, decently un-hot " places to cop at. but there aint no such thing as 100%.

So back to wat I was sayin at the beginning. You aint never gonna be lucky forever. Maybe you smart, maybe you a professional dope copper extraordinaire. maybe you been coppin for 4 years and never got popped. Maybe you the fuckin man, yo, but guess wat....The longer you do it for without gettin caught...the closer you gettin to 'fuck you day' being right around the corner. its all maybes, yea, i cant say that every damn body is gonna get popped, shit, the whole point here is nothing is certain, so maybe youll be one of those lucky ones that we all hate and wish we coulda been. And sure, its great that you made it thru this far without catchin a case. Its great that you been goin to your spot for 2 years and hardly ever even SEE a cop on your way in or out.

But kno wat...dope spots change, police forces change, neighborhoods change. gangs and their blocks change, arrest goals and priorities in the police department change. maybe the task force shut down 4 or 5 other well known spots in the hood over the past year, and now its your spots turn. maybe there was alot of shootings, and violence beat out drug sales as the main objective for the time you been safe, but the violence went down and now they got more time on their hands to get back to ruining junkies lives more than they already ruin their own lives without any help doin it. maybe there has been alot of gang violence related to arguements about drug sales in the area your spots in,and shuttin down the dealing on that block just became priority #1 for the drug and gangs taskforce before some young kid gets killed by a stray bullet. maybe the PD was too busy with some other bigger spots that was more active and well known, and had a fuckin parade of whiteboys comin thru around the clock, that they didnt have time to mess with your spot, but now that they got a new tactical narcotics grant from the city budget, they got more officers to go out and target more shit that had been overlooked before. Who, the FUCK, Knows. None of us, really....

And yea, I know this post is FULL of wat-if's. I know i just said more situations than any of us probably would imagine in a week. But its to make u think, to make u realize just how many variables go into determining wat happens to you when you go cop, EVERY, SINGLE, DAY. Its like "the butterfly effect", things can change in a split second and all a sudden youre watchin the next 7 years of your life slip away from you as you ask yourself why you didnt just stay home instead of accepting your boys offer to pick him up a couple bricks in exchange for him givin u 2 free bundles that are all now in a bag in the cops evidence kit, heading along with you to the precinct where you about to catch a charge of possession with intent to distribute within a school zone and plenty of time to catch up on your reading and all the workouts you skipped cuz you a junkie, once you get to Annandale state prison.

So listen feens....straight up, "too good to be true" , gets repeated so much cuz its true for the majority of everything in life. and bein able to get your diesel, 24-7-365 for the most part, cheap as hell, quicker and easier than buyin a bag of weed if you dont count the drive down -- thats too good to be true. and thats why the cops are part of the bargain, cuz nothing that feels that good ever comes without a big price, nevermind the effects on your body, mind,family, friends, finances, dreams, goals, etc but we all know thats a whooole nother post. Think of how easy people got it who live in the places where you can just go grab it from the closest ghetto, especially here in Jerz. the D is always flowin, and if you willing to go the distance, which is usually only a few blocks anyways, its damn near impossible to NOT be able to find it.

A situation like that GOT to have a down side, and we all tend to downplay it once we been in the game long enough, once the daily cop-n-go becomes as much of a simple, easy, painless, natural part of our everyday routine as wakin up in the morning or buyin a pack of cigarettes. when u do it all the time u start losing your grip on how serious it actually is. the fear wears off, and u forget that u even doin somethin illegal. its like a shoppin trip to the dope store, only the dope store happens to be outside on the sidewalk. piece of cake. It all blends in with the rest of daily life til it aint no thing...Until you get the taste of auto paint jammed into your mouth while your hands is getin cuffed behind your back as you get slammed facedown onto the hood of your car. Then shit gets real all of a sudden.

The key is to never forget that oh-fuck feeling...or u gonna start slippin. sure, dont act like a sketchball retard. be cool. on the outside, ACT like that smooth-coppin, veteran junkie who can pull a drive-up-dope-cop with her eyes closed without breakin a sweat. But inside your head, u should still be thinkin with that new jack mentality "Does that car look shady? somethin dont feel right, i can feel it in my gut, my dealer is actin like he dont see me but i know he see me, he lookin right at me but he looks weird, he aint noddin or comin up to the car...he aint chirping me back when i bleep him....Somethins wrong...." And in that case, even if you so sick, and so close, and just want your fuckin dope, you gotta hold on to the ability to cut your losses and run. So when it gets to that point no matter how much ur sick brain is tellin you it aint nothing and to just go get your shit and get home, you should make sure that the next words in that mental conversation are: "Im OUTTA HERE...."

And maybe, just MAYBE, if you keep your head on straight, and make the right choices when it comes to the very small amount of shit thats in YOUR control, youll slightly weight the odds in favor of keepin your ass outta the fryin pan. but the rest?....Shit, Thats up to luck and fate, so you better just always be ready.

I was lookin at a thread on here that started out bein about camden, but ended up discussin coppin in the hood, and one post caught my eye. I meant to make a lil comment and go on to the other threads, but all a sudden Im droppin dopehead knowledge n writin up a storm. Shit, it may not get me high, speedy, or nothin even close to buzzed but when it comes to creativity this fuckin adderall script really gets me writin.

anyways, I kno lots of "beginners" to the dope game reads my posts or blogs here and there, and i also kno from my comments on here that i got a lil audience of professional and/or retired dope shooters like my self. So, Ima repost my "lil comment" that ended up somethin like a "final thesis" on copping in here for yalls entertainment. (shit, not that im conceited enough to think the bullshit i write entertains any of yall,....but it sounds better than "for yalls boredom and time-killing-reading.")

Anyways....the story begins with my jersey boy jake99 joinin our conversation about "safe" ways to cop, and he says, "seems like the chances of gettin caught are low, but im probably wrong". and that opened the flood gates, hope u enjoy it.


Ahhh, famous last words: "seems like the chances of gettin caught are low". :D good one jake99! I kno you put a disclaimer afterwards, so Im just clownin on u a lil, its all good, but you aint the only one whose said the same shit and posted in Legal Discussion askin about first time offender sentencing for heroin possession 6 months later.

So, Ima take this opportunity to quote the scientific laws of "Nothin Lasts Forever" and "All Good Luck Runs Out Eventually" and say that jake99 infact, u are wrong lol.

Right here n now, A lil "Guide to Coppin, Cops, Luck, and Not Gettin Fucked: Odds of Survivin' In, At, & Around the Dope Spot" is comin yalls way, for every one who aint 100% on how shit goes down. I got the time the experience and the give-a-shitness (just barely) to lay it out for the rest of my feens, so listen close cuz on a different day Id prolly just let you figure it out for yourself the hard way. but today the methadones flowin, the adderalls buzzin around my brain, the coffees hot in my cup and I got a bad case of "the back in the day's" for when I used to run the blocks so here you go.

We've all heard it before from ridin partners, drivers, friends introducin us to their spot when ours is down n out for the day -- "Naah man, theres a whole city out there n like, how many cops on patrol at once? Fuck, theres like, wat, 40 dope spots and iunno, wat, 15 cops on shift? and thats counting traffic duty, house calls, the ones eatin donuts at the Dunkin drive thru, shit yo, you trippin. They aint even got enough cops to watch a THIRD of the spots, and those piggies got tons of other shit to do anyways! How likely do you REALLY think it is that the ONE spot we at, for like, 3 minutes, is gonna be the spot that a cop is at? Come in dude! The odds of us bein the ones they get is like, nothin yo!"

I think we all know somebody whose said those words before...and i think we probably all have believed them too at some point in our dopehead carreers. Whether it was half heartedly or totally...whether we were tryna convince ourselves that it was true so we would have the balls to just do it on the first time....or tryna get ourselves psyched up after a close call a few days earlier to "get back on the horse that threw us"....or just straight up really & truly believing in our own naieve ideas of it bein all good.

And u kno wat, It aint all doom and certain trouble. I aint tryna make it sound like some kinda dangerous battlefield where you might as well just not go near it becuz you WILL get caught. becuz we all know that just aint true, and my purpose here is bein real about the risks and possibilities, not sensationalizing shit and bein over dramatic, cuz life aint black and white, and the ins n outs of the dope game/junkie life is probably one of the grayest areas that has ever existed. It might not be ABC, 1-2-3, walk up to the counter, get rung up, pay, and go home with a brick in your "thank you come again" bag type of experience, but it also aint a death trap or the go-to-jail-NOW space on the Monopoly board of life (most of the time.)

So, Ima put it like this.....EACH TIME you go, on a individual basis, maybe the risk of gettin caught is relatively low - DEPENDING ON : where ur coppin at, time of day, how many ppl been caught already that day, time of week/month, and the amount of violence that been in that hood lately, aswell as tons of other little variables.
BUT, as the number of those individual successful runs without a problem starts goin up, its pretty much destined that the chances of that trouble finally findin you is gonna get higher too. and thats the shit that gets alot of people, cuz when they get into that territory of the "We have had 459 straight successful dope runs!" signs like the ones OSHA posts at warehouse jobs,

alot of people start to get cocky, and think its all good, and they let their guard down. bad move....

Anyways, when u read bluelight, and opiophile, or watever the hell u read that has threads about "do's and dont's of copping" and suggestions for avoidin arrests, etc, they always got these "rules" that people read and take to mean that if they do all those things, they aint gonna get in trouble. "Yo, u should be careful, I heard its hot out there today, maybe u should wait a hour or two to go becuz the TNT is always out between 2 and 3 in the afternoon." "Na yo, dont worry, I got it on lock, no problem. I kno wat to do. I got a extra $20 too so if they pull me over i can just be like, oh i didnt cop yet! AND I got a kickass stash spot, nobody will ever find my shit there. I use one of those fake Pringles cans, and i keep it in the bag of garbage from my car! And Ill just tell them my cousin lives in one of the houses on the block Im copping on, i mean, they cant tell me that theres no black people in my family!"

Yea...great...but dont be so self assured. most of those tips n tricks are on point, pretty useful, and good to remember, becuz its better than not bein prepared at all. but , none of that shit is guaranteed protection, and believing that it will leave u worse off when some shit goes down, becuz instead of relying on ur quick thinking and ability to be cool n calm, you relied on a bunch of gimmicks without thinking of a Plan B in case they didnt work.

After you cop a couple times, get your confidence up, and school yourself on all the do's n dont's of the trade, Maybe you think its all laid out for you. like, do this, dont do that, do this, dont do that, and that if you just follow some COMMON SENSE rules, that you gonna get in, and out, quick easy and clean with your dope.

and sure, on paper it works like that. common sense and street smarts is great, its how people in the real , non school/corporate world survive.
And In THEORY, using common sense when you cop, should keep you in the clear. if you circle the block a couple times to make sure you dont see suspicious cars in the area, know your connect, have your car all maintained so you cant get stopped for "broken taillight" excuses, and have a extra $20 or $40 (the more the better) on you for if you do get pulled over...maybe if you do all those things youll be safe. Yea, it SHOULD work that way.

But the thing about the dope game is...It dont make sense. shit that should happen, dont happen, and shit that shouldnt happen , does, on the regular. and sometimes that works out good for you, but the flipside is of course, that it can also be for the worse. Good shit like, you shouldnt get a extra bag or two in the bundle that you were short 8 dollars for, but thanks to dealers who hook you up unexpectedly, cant count, move too quick, or just straight dont care, sometimes you do. And the balance to that is that you shouldnt have to wait on a hot ass block for 20 minutes when you so sick you doubled over in pain with your stomach exploding, but sometimes you do. Its the up and down roll wit the punches life that you live when you get into this shit....and part of that is always knowing that while shit might seem cool, that at ANY minute, pretty much anything could happen.

like....even tho you circled the block and didnt see nothing and the coast looked clear, you never know when theres gonna be undercover narcs a few blocks up watchin you with binoculars from their maroon 1996 Kia with tinted windows, who noticed you even more than they woulda, BECAUSE you circled the block to look out. (More famous last words: "yo, that car aint nothing to stress about, just relax homie. You so fuckin paranoid dude. Its a fuckin KIA! Cops dont drive kias, u only need to start worryin when you see a charger, or a crown vic, or the dreaded all black durango! lots of people down here have tints, it aint always the fuckin boys yo!")

--(Shit aint over til its over yo. KEEP READ'N... CONTINUED IN NEXT ENTRY)--

I'm getting real close to being done with these fuckin' things. I just hate being ruled by nicotine. There are many things that my smoking is fucking with:

1) My exercise routine
2).My endurance/stamina
3) My complexion
4) My desire to get involved with martial arts
5) My pride
6) My desire to pursue the sXe lifestyle

I just need to choose a doctor for my Medical Assistance and get a prescription for Chantix. I was thinking of trying the Patch first. It worked before but I certainly would like that magic bullet that Chantix seems to be. The easier it is to quit, the better.

I do know that I can't beat myself up over these damn cigarettes and that I gotta handle conquering my addictions one at a time.

Soon enough I'll be healthier and free from cigarettes. I just gotta be patient and determined.

Today has been a perfect day. All day all i've done is either create art or transfer old pieces to frames or posters. I'm really getting into this again and it feels good.

Since I've lost my job, it's been hard to keep busy. I find myself sinking deeper and deeper into addiction and depression. The art thing is helping, at least for now. I tend to get bored with things super easy so I'll probably be posting about how i'm gonna start a rock band tomorrow.

I actually have been playing again. The time, my new-found, always-around friend is awarding opportunities and I'm taking advantage of just a few. I learned how to play Communion Cups and Someone's Coat by Iron & Wine and Calexico today. If you don't know Iron & Wine, you should check them out, especially that song I already mentioned and is too long to type again.

I wish I would post every day to this blog. I've got a lot to say and a ton of opinions. Maybe after a while someone reading can notice something about Littlebylittle and some other posters.

Hope you enjoyed reading about my day, I know I will when it comes to it. :D

throw your arms around my dreams, little one. take me with you on your yellow ride with pigtails and glue sticks carrying you to growth. my heart walks outside of me in the greens of flattened eternity. show and telling the deepest of her soul with the innocence of life.
this tiny hand within my fingers can move mountains and change minds. its warmth a reassurance of what i can do right. all my everything and everything to her as she sleeps in the roses of morning laughter.

I believe we are all blessed with special attributes and abilities. It is second nature to you since your birth because that's how you were born. Finding God is a journey and once you get there, you are considered to having found God. There are many types of people in this world that have something to offer emotionally, mentally and physically. For example, a kid prodigy was born with his traits because he was born that way, they're in his genes and that's just how it works in life. His passion may be helping people save lives but his natural talents are that of solving mathematical problems and theories. As for me, I was a bright child and I consider myself I still am. I just started college and I am already loving it; I'm making good grades and meeting lots of new interesting people. My father left me as a kid but he would come visit every now and then whenever he left. Emotionally hurt by this, his wife and 2 sons suffered as the result of this. I resorted to drugs, hung out with the wrong crowd and got into all sorts of trouble. After I hit rock bottom, I had an awakening. This is where one asks him or herself "what is the meaning of life, really?" You could say that I found God. I started remembering my childhood and how the good times were back then. I remembered how good my personality was and how ambitious I was. Today I am a product of what I have created; a life for myself. I have many many friends and the willpower of a growing adult. I believe every day is a new learning experience. I have come to the conclusion that the meaning of life is to expand your knowledge and consciousness to an extend that would not seem humanly possible. But remember, in order for this to happen, you must first find God. I cannot tell you how this happens but I can tell you it will happen sooner or later if you're still unsuccessful. You must fill in the blanks; something that only you can figure out yourself.

phone vibrating shatters me out of sleep and i start shivering like most mornings. its cold out though n im used to the sticky summer, so its especially unpleasant hopping out of this super inconvenient and small dorm bunk bed. stumble my way to the shower and the warmth feels good i guess but im so lazy i just wanna fall alseep right there. i throw on a few layers cuz i still cant stop shivering and gritting my teeth so i guess this is gonna be one of those days where thats harder to shake off. whatever figured out the class schedule put the books in the bag along with a shot or two in an iced tea bottle. some leftover whiskey from last night might loosen me up a bit later maybe. but for now i have to get the every day hit out of the bong so i have somewhat of an appetite all day. i hate smoking but it kinda fills in a lot thats missing.

the second i walk out the door, a wind shoots through my sweater and seems to go right through me too. i feel like my bones are aching. i look up at the sky. the gray is just as piercing as the wind. puffy grey clouds everywhere, silhouetted by bright white from the sun that would be shining. the silver lining. im out today looking for my silver lining somewhere. the trees dont even seem really green unless the suns out and suddenly the campus seems bleak and oppressive.

get to the first class half the kids are already here and the desks face the door. it feels like all eyes on me. im not shivering anymore now im burning up sorta freaking out cuz maybe ill trip or drop my stuff and thats not where i wanna go. i sit down still on the defensive and making sure im super smooth. in front of me is a well basically the goofiest looking guy ive ever seen, very nerdy-gamer type. but im all about the underground types you know so maybe hes cool. other than that there are some good looking girls and thats kinda scary. obviously not out to impress anyone i just wanna be cool and in the background. but still idk attractive or popular people just make me nervous cuz maybe i wont be good enough for them. stupid mind games sometimes. the teacher and students are more a less a blur because of how tangled my mind is, thinking about myself more than it should.

however after class the nerdy looking kid zach in front of me started talking to me about this video game we both liked. cuz apparently i had mentioned something like that when we had to do the stupid ass standard "tell us your name and a hobby". he was very weird but i really liked that so i talked and walked with him for a long time because well he was smart with his video games.

i guess i feel a little better after that. always helps talking to people... especially ones who are not quite the way society wants em to be. then max calls me up on the phone he wants me to come chill at the hotel. thats a 20 min walk from the dorms. ive been walking nonstop since i got here. trying to escape something maybe, or maybe trying to burn some of this crazy energy that seems to come around and make me shiver or whatever. i chill with the people there and smoke a lot but i dont really get stoned or anything my tolerance is out of control. while im there i sorta go on a head trip thinking about how much these kids would not wanna hang out with me if they knew the messed up stuff i have been through. like even the kids that think theyre badass smoking weed or whatever... they'd run far away if they knew some of the bad things i had done i guess. that bothers me i wish i was still a good kid. like what happened and when?

then i start getting THE craving. i know i shouldnt think but i do. i want the morphine so bad again. i just think about the times ive put a pill in my mouth and headphones on my head. lying spread eagle on my bed feeling the wonderfully potent opiate love trickling into my bones and into my muscles and making them smooth out and now ill never shiver.

yo shake it off shake it off

but i go to my safe place, start thinking about my baby. i love her and i miss her so much. but shes been out with that russian dude till 5am last few nights and stuff. that guy.... i very very seldom feel anger. now i can feel it coming on. i think about what the old me wouldve done to that guy. but no man, you gotta remember this isnt the streets you cant act so rough. so thats probably the end though. whatever if shes gonna screw me over again so be it i guess ill just shake this off too.

spending my life shaking it off. i didnt find my silver lining today. maybe tomorow. at least i still care about looking right?

(this started off as a post in e&c, but turned into more rambles so i am posting it here. i'd still appreciate thoughts about it tho )

i am a teacher at a rather small, private school. most of the families have had atrocious experiences in the public school system, so its not too hard for my school to be better than what they have experienced in the past.

for example, one student ran away from his previous school and walk to his mother's office. when the mother called the school, the teacher said so and so was having a great and just returned from art class. obviously mom was not thrilled that the teacher did not notice her son missing, or that he managed to get away. so its pretty hard to get much worse...

my bosses sell our program as a great alternative to public schools with more individualized attention, small class size, speech, physical and occupational therapy. but they do not tell the parents that the speech, physical and occupational therapists only show up for one hour a month. and that their only role is to advise teachers on how to adapt their classrooms. however parents are lead to believe that their students are receiving actual speech, physical and occupation therapy services.

some parents pay a premium for their student to have a private teacher/tutor. this person is supposed to stay with the student all day long and provide what ever support the student needs to succeed. this is encouraged by my bosses because it means more money for them, but the students very rarely receive the private instruction the parents are paying for.

in the past, i was annoyed that my bosses say one thing and do another. but i the students are doing well, and the parents are happy. i tend to find honesty is the best policy but in this case everyone is happy and better off than they were before.

but now i have a student whose parents pay for him to have a private tutor/teacher. when he has the individual attention, he is great. when he is placed in a group setting where my attention is divided amongst several students, he has violent behaviors and outbursts. i have been bitten, scratched and punched more times than i can count. my arms and legs are covered in scabs and bruises, and today i got a black eye.

i don't really mind the random injuries, i knew what to expect when i decided to work with kids who have behavior problems. but i am incredibly frustrated that this student's parents pay for him to have a private teacher. if he had my entire attention, i would not be being hit, scratched and punched. the one on one interaction allows me to defuse a situation before it escalates. in a group setting i can not do that without ignoring the other students and creating other issues.

Aug 30: Day one of my detox, yawns, tears, legs feel broken. Turned the A/C off to sleep in 80ish degree night. Slept in short intervals, 3 or 4 hours here and there, very hard. I stayed inside most of the day.

August 31: Sleep was a bit easier withdraw feelings very apparent, goose flesh, mental cravings, stomach pangs. Slept in short intervals, met for school that day, kept my day entertained with a search for a job and school.

Sept. 1: Sleep was rough I got into bed early enough I think I went to sleep at 7 or 8pm to about 2am ish then stayed up

I have thought about going to get a bag once every three or four hours today. At my lowest point I was talking over going out loud to myself. "I just want to get some and put it in my veins, into my body." I said aloud while shaking my head.

I was trying to rationalize it within myself. Hoping to come to a selfish conclusion.

Anyways, best thing is, I dealt with it. I kept saying redirect to myself outloud, then I would imagine lists of reasons to and not to do opiates.

Anyways, as the clock struck midnight my legs are very sore on my 5 day, the sorest they have been. However my stool has solidified, and my appetite has come back.

Tomorrow is friday and I'm looking forward to any thing that will take my mind off of my personal drug problems