THE BIBLE PART 1
Ok, so one day God was spacing out, fucking around with some modeling clay that he ganked from his kids room. He was trying to make gumby but it came out all distorted and lumpy so he called it Adam. He stuck Adam in his garden to scare away the birds. The next day he could tell Adam wasn't happy.
"Hey God, I don't mean to bitch but this place blows. Can a nigga get a multiplex or something?" Adam shouted.
"Look, I don't have that kind of paper. What about the bugs and shit, just hang with them. Teach them charades" God answered.
"..." came the lone reply.
God saw he had a point though. Late that night God snuck out and kidnapped a girl named Eve from down the street and dropped her off for Adam.
The next day God came out as was like "OK, look, you kids can chill here for as long as you like. Eat what you want, fuck around, I don't care. One thing though, don't go near that one tree. My wife is crazy for that thing. And shit rolls down hill knowwhatimsayin?"
"Whatev" said Adam. "Just split so I can get my freak on"
The following days passed slowly, with Adam and Eve smoking pot in the morning, and then Adam would retire to the rumpus room to watch some major league baseball.
One day when Eve was off doing fuck all, all of a sudden this snake in a pimp hat rolled up.
"Yo dawg" said the snake
"Sup" replied Eve
"Sup" said the snake right back
"Ok?" came the weary reply
"Hey so I been watching you two from the bushes for a while now. Don't worry, it ain't anything pervy. But your shit is whack, don't you ever get bored? Why don't you have some people over and get drunk as fuck or something? Jesus, you people are shut-ins." the snake asked.
"Well, it has been pretty boring since Adam supposedly got ED" she admitted.
"Lulz. Ok, I'ma hook you up. Look you know that tree over there?"
"You mean the landlord's tree? Yeah but that ass has a big hard-on for that thing. I don't think we should fuck with it" came the reply.
"Eh, whatever. That fat bitch can't even tell if he has laces in his shoes. Listen, I wouldn't tell you this if you weren't so damn hot. You know the fruit on that tree? Eat two of those bad boys and you'll trip balls. I swear."
Eve didn't know what to think of the snakes news, but later that night she told Adam. Adam, who was half in the bag from drinking light beer all day, thought it was a great idea. "Look, we'll only eat a couple. He'll never know."
The next morning, Adam rolled out of bed about noon. As soon as his eyes cleared he knew he was fucked. The tree was stripped bare, and it even looked like someone had tried to have intercourse with the trunk. It was a bad scene. Right about then, God arrived.
"God damnit" God said. "Didn't I tell you fuckwits to leave that thing alone?"
"Look God... Ok, I know this looks bad. But it wasn't me. That bitch set me up!"
"Right. Say hello to my friend '3 days notice'. Can you say 'Evicted?'" God screamed.
And that, boys and girls, is how Adam and Eve ended up on the streets, panhandling for party liquor.
NEXT UP -- PART 2 -- THE EPIC STORY CONTINUES -- SOME OLD DUDE BUILDS A BOAT AND GETS ANIMAL CRAP EVERYWHERE
Ok, so one day God was spacing out, fucking around with some modeling clay that he ganked from his kids room. He was trying to make gumby but it came out all distorted and lumpy so he called it Adam. He stuck Adam in his garden to scare away the birds. The next day he could tell Adam wasn't happy.
"Hey God, I don't mean to bitch but this place blows. Can a nigga get a multiplex or something?" Adam shouted.
"Look, I don't have that kind of paper. What about the bugs and shit, just hang with them. Teach them charades" God answered.
"..." came the lone reply.
God saw he had a point though. Late that night God snuck out and kidnapped a girl named Eve from down the street and dropped her off for Adam.
The next day God came out as was like "OK, look, you kids can chill here for as long as you like. Eat what you want, fuck around, I don't care. One thing though, don't go near that one tree. My wife is crazy for that thing. And shit rolls down hill knowwhatimsayin?"
"Whatev" said Adam. "Just split so I can get my freak on"
The following days passed slowly, with Adam and Eve smoking pot in the morning, and then Adam would retire to the rumpus room to watch some major league baseball.
One day when Eve was off doing fuck all, all of a sudden this snake in a pimp hat rolled up.
"Yo dawg" said the snake
"Sup" replied Eve
"Sup" said the snake right back
"Ok?" came the weary reply
"Hey so I been watching you two from the bushes for a while now. Don't worry, it ain't anything pervy. But your shit is whack, don't you ever get bored? Why don't you have some people over and get drunk as fuck or something? Jesus, you people are shut-ins." the snake asked.
"Well, it has been pretty boring since Adam supposedly got ED" she admitted.
"Lulz. Ok, I'ma hook you up. Look you know that tree over there?"
"You mean the landlord's tree? Yeah but that ass has a big hard-on for that thing. I don't think we should fuck with it" came the reply.
"Eh, whatever. That fat bitch can't even tell if he has laces in his shoes. Listen, I wouldn't tell you this if you weren't so damn hot. You know the fruit on that tree? Eat two of those bad boys and you'll trip balls. I swear."
Eve didn't know what to think of the snakes news, but later that night she told Adam. Adam, who was half in the bag from drinking light beer all day, thought it was a great idea. "Look, we'll only eat a couple. He'll never know."
The next morning, Adam rolled out of bed about noon. As soon as his eyes cleared he knew he was fucked. The tree was stripped bare, and it even looked like someone had tried to have intercourse with the trunk. It was a bad scene. Right about then, God arrived.
"God damnit" God said. "Didn't I tell you fuckwits to leave that thing alone?"
"Look God... Ok, I know this looks bad. But it wasn't me. That bitch set me up!"
"Right. Say hello to my friend '3 days notice'. Can you say 'Evicted?'" God screamed.
And that, boys and girls, is how Adam and Eve ended up on the streets, panhandling for party liquor.
NEXT UP -- PART 2 -- THE EPIC STORY CONTINUES -- SOME OLD DUDE BUILDS A BOAT AND GETS ANIMAL CRAP EVERYWHERE
