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Well, there have been two phone calls within the last week that started with those words. My reaction was shock and surprise.

The first was: 'Didja hear Stewart died?'

Fuck, man. Stewart was this dude in NA in my area who I didn't know very well but respected greatly.

He was a tall, Muslim dude who had 19 years clean. He was fuckin' hardcore, man. He didn't fuck around with nonsense and had this air of patience about him. He never forgot those days when he was shooting dope and living in an abandoned car in North Philly.

He taught me how to give a REAL hug (not one of those worthless, insincere 'pat you on the back' hugs. He would say something along the lines of 'either hug me like you'll never see me again or don't hug me at all'.

The second time was: 'Didja hear about Dave? He died last night.'

I'm affected by this. Dave worked at the local homeless shelter and I could really relate to him. We shared the same issues with rage and violent reactions. We always seemed to share the same type of issues at the same times. He was one of the few dudes in NA that would call me to see if I was doing okay.

Dammit, Dave. You had a fuckin' heart on you, brother. I remember that you confided in me just two days ago about the dude who died in front of you at the shelter. It wasn't your fault, man. You called the ambo, you performed CPR and you gave the dude comfort. The State Hospital is huge man, it ain't your fault the ambo went to the wrong building.

I remember your stories of being in the gangs in the 70's and 80's. I was impressed that you knew I was skin but still hung with me and didn't care what color I was. I respect that you had the willingness to associate with a newcomer like me.

Haha! I can't stop smiling about how, only a few months ago, you said 'I had to make him leak, Jeff, I had to.' (he was referring to his addict brother who was threatening violence on their mom. He grabbed a handfull of pens and jabbed them in the dude's forehead! LOL!!!!!!)

Dude, I considered you the black version of me. I already miss the stories of all the nuts you used to hang out with.

Well, you guys don't have to deal with the bullshit anymore. I selfishly miss you both. Maybe someday I will have the qualities I admired about you.

I only wonder... who will be the third?

count on a hundred fists clenched in opposition.

so much effort.


yet nothing can be explained. there is no golden cup that yields our passion for right comings. no hopeful star to bring light into vast fields growing ever darker in the times at hand. there's only thought and the power it wants to have but will never possess.
there is will. an anonymous character inside all of anything. it is what drives anything to be and to continue being. rightfully placed and unmoving, bating the time when the likes are not likely. leading grounds take part in procrastination giving way to inevitability.

we are the children of ourselves.

I get pissed off every day looking at the situation of addicted people who break no social rules, who hurt nobody, yet they're stigmatized. This is sick and wrong.

Imagine all those people living upright no matter what they do. University, job, whatever. They may even be the best of all in what they do but hey, they're addicted. They're fucking junkies!

I don't think one broke any social rule (unwritten but it's just all about how people should interact one with another) shooting anything. One hurts people because of this, alright. But why? Where does that come from? In my opinion it all comes from misunderstanding of what addiction/abuse is. Is it bad? Well, in this world it is, it costs, it's against the law etc. In any other world constructed differently nobody would give a damn. Right - the law - this is another thing (made up by human by the way) causing more stigmatization and feeling of guilt (you bought some medicine/drug in any form from someone, there's someone higher than 'first' someone, there's someone higher than 'second' someone, oh - you contribute to the process of global drug industry by serving yourselves a moment of freedom and calm or euphoria and feeling great).

Long time ago there weren't zillions of central-acting drugs of abuse. Well, people didn't even

Hi, my name is: spork

Never in my life have I been: a fan of cranberries

The one person who can drive me nuts is: my kitty cat (she's people)

High school was: extremely cliquey

When I'm nervous: it shows

The last time I cried was: I don't remember!

If I were to get married right now my maid of honor would be: Emily, Hillary, and Denise. They can fight over it or share the duties.

My hair is: reddish brown
When I was 10: I spent my last year in Colorado

Last Christmas: I worked

I should be: studying
When I look down I see: my kitty cat looking up at me

The happiest recent event was: bloolight wedding

If I were a character on 'That 70's Show' I'd be: myself

By this time next year: I'll be a year older

My current gripe is: haters

I have a hard time understanding: a lot of people

There's this girl I know that: is amazing

You know I like you when: I tell you

If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: My parents

Take my advice: let it go!

Something that I really want to buy is: new clothes

If you visited the place I was born: you'd probably love it. most people do.

I plan to visit: the library when i finish this.

If you spend the night at my house: you'd think I was weird if you don't already

I'd stop my wedding if: I was marrying the wrong guy

The world could do without: most things. simplicity=

I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: Eat it.

Most recent thing I've bought myself: chai latte

Most recent thing someone else bought me: dinner

My favorite blonde is: Hillary

My favorite brunette is: my daddy

My favorite redhead is: my mama

My middle name is: Lynn

This morning I: hit snooze a bunch

The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are: kitties!

Once, at a bar: I got drunky drunk

Last night I was: watching nurse jackie

There's this guy I know who: is an ass

I don't know: a lot of things

A better name for me would be: there's nothing better i love my name

Tomorrow I am: going to class

Tonight I am: doing laundry

My birthday is: the same as Dustin Diamond's (SCREECH!)

What I really wanted for Valentine's Day was: nothing

I can sing: horribly

I like a guy named: my daddy

My best friend's name: Hillary, Emily, & Denise

Hi, my name is: Mariposa

Never in my life have I been: Graceful. I am a klutz.

The one person who can drive me nuts is: Truly nuts? My father.

High school was: A lot of fun.

When I'm nervous: I need lots of reassurance.

The last time I cried was: last night

If I were to get married right now my attendants of honor would be: my best friend Josh of 10+ years, my other bestie Lauren.

My hair is: Longish and medium blonde.

When I was 10: I went through puberty and was shipped off to New York.

Last Christmas: Was spent with my family in Oregon.

I should be: Writing an essay.

When I look down I see: My laptop keyboard.

The happiest recent event was: Vacation in May.

If I were a character on 'That 70's Show' I'd be: Donna as a blonde.

By this time next year: I'll be in a different state and possibly country.

My current gripe is: The economy.

I have a hard time understanding: Romantic relationships.

There's this girl I know that: I really miss, in fact a few.

You know I like you when: You just know.

If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: My dad.

Take my advice: Don't burn any bridges.

Something that I really want to buy is: A car!

If you visited the place I was born: You'd find a lot of strip malls adjacent to a lot of history.

I plan to visit: A few BLers and my dad, very soon.

If you spend the night at my house: You'd have fun.

I'd stop my wedding if: I found out something irreparably fucked-up at the altar.

The world could do without: Idiots.

I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: Eat it.

Most recent thing I've bought myself: A book of postage stamps.

Most recent thing someone else bought me: Dinner (thanks J).

My favorite blonde is: Myself!

My favorite brunette is: Kenickie tied with Ocean.

My favorite redhead is: My bestie from high school.

My middle name is: Not telling.

This morning I: Went to get coffee and started writing.

The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are: Gila monsters.

Once, at a bar: I met up with a few BLers.

Last night I was: Sleeping.

There's this guy I know who: I think has relapsed on heroin.

I don't know: where to go from here.

A better name for me would be: Jezebel

Tomorrow I am: celebrating my roommate's birthday.

Tonight I am: Probably gonna watch TV, surf the net, and have a beer or three.

My birthday is: the day the Titanic sank and Lincoln was shot.

What I really wanted for Valentine's Day was: A lot of drugs.

I can sing: alright with more training.

I like a guy named: No comment.

My best friend's name: Joshua

Stripped down to the bare nuts of it all. Yeah, thats what I feel like is occurring. Life seems to hold this sick fucking wisdom i suppose. Its looking at me and saying, 'Motherfucker, you are lost in all this other shit. You think you are defined by all this outside shit? Nah. Lets take away all those things that were so important, those things that you cling to in an attempt to finally have an answer, an EASY answer. Lets see who you REALLY are.'

Well Life, I'm not certain I'm a fan of this particular lesson plan but I can see the effectiveness. You know this method fuckin' hurts, right? It fuckin' hurts real bad, man and I don't see the pain contributing to any 'ends justify the means' kinda thing. Character is not being built. Strength is not being acquired.

This feels more like a beatdown that never stops. The boots just keep hittin' the ribs. Life wears mother fuckin steel-toe Solovair stompers too. That shit leaves marks.

I dunno, man. Here are some of the flattering fucking things you have showed me at the balls naked level of things:

1) I'm fearful
2) I'm self-centered
3) I am not ok being alone like this
4) I run from everything
5) I talk bullshit

At least I'm aware of the indisputable fact that EVERYTHING is temporary so go fuck yourself. This will run its course.

Ain't nothing I can do but feel these things, roll with it all and keep things fuckin' movin'.

Hey everyone "WELL HEY"
got in a big bang car accident, woke to head injury tremors, night blindness, raging ass fear, doc had me on ssri's, Oxycontin and 6 mgs zanax a day.
as I got better this crap made me nuts, I tapered with serenity resolutions tea, slowly, ssri's were some real bad stuff, shut down sex organs.
PROBLEM I still am real darn sensitive to light, I mean big way, doc says it may pass but it an't! anyone got any ideas that help

Hi, my name is:Ocean

Never in my life have I been: normal

The one person who can drive me nuts is:My husband, better than anyone b/c I love him so much.....

High school was: insane and more adult than it should have been

When I'm nervous: I fidget

The last time I cried was: Yesterday.
I had a freak out in the middle of an argument with my husband.

If I were to get married right now my maid of honor would be:

I am but if we were to remarry, it would be my best friend who refused to come to my wedding the first time.

My hair is: dyed


When I was 10:
I had my first psychic experience

Last Christmas: was mild but nice- spent with my in laws.

I should be: having a career or in school or something important.

When I look down I see:my hands

The happiest recent event was: My brother in law coming to visit

If I were a character on 'That 70's Show' I'd be: no clue.

By this time next year:
I hope to be in a better place but still living in this house.


My current gripe is: money.

I have a hard time understanding: religious nuts

There's this girl I know that: deserves better than she has

You know I like you when: I tell you

If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: My husband

Take my advice: Try not to take the daily annoyances so seriously. They aren't worth it.

Something that I really want to buy is: A Volvo Cross Country

If you visited the place I was born: You might be disappointed or you might drive to NYC b/c it is close and better than where I was born.

I plan to visit: Nowhere atm

If you spend the night at my house:
We'd eat, talk about random fun things, take pictures and go on a hike before dinner.....maybe lay in the yard and look at the stars, pick fruit the next morning for breakfast and spend the day at the beach.

I'd stop my wedding if:
someone died- but I'm already married, so.....

The world could do without:
Hypocritical people, ignorance and prejudice

I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: look at a mouse

Most recent thing I've bought myself:
A Cherry Jet Tea

Most recent thing someone else bought me: A Cherry Jet Tea :D

My favorite blonde is: Alexander Skarsgard

My favorite brunette is: Kristen Stewart, Rachel McAdams or Helena Bonham Carter
i
My favorite redhead is: hard to choose- Julienne Moore, Florence Welch, Geri Halliwell or Rachel Lefevre
Why is there no black hair?!?!

My middle name is:Don't have one.

This morning I: hung out with my brother in law

The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are: none.

Once, at a bar: I got so trashed .........when I got home I started passing out with my pants half off and my husband got pissed but put me in my pj's and tucked me into bed.

Last night I was: stuffing my face with beef stew

There's this guy I know who: I'm worried about....he recently lost his best friend and there are no words to make him feel better......

I don't know: what I should go to school for or if I will.

A better name for me would be: I don't know....what do you think? What name do I look or act like?

Tomorrow I am: Hopefully gonna have a relaxing day


Tonight I am: on BL while my hubby and b-i-law watch movies.

My birthday is: the end of January (Aquarius)

What I really wanted for Valentine's Day was: Chocolates and flowers

I can sing: loud

I like a guy named: Panic in Paradise

My best friend's name: Frances

Now you copy and paste!!!

Do you have the guts take this survey? Duh.

Would you do meth if it was legalized? No.

Abortion: for or against it? Pro-choice.

Do you think the world would fail with a female president? Absolutely not, but not Sarah Palin!

Do you believe in the death penalty? Not under any circumstance.

Do you wish marijuana would be legalized already? Not if it's going to become a for-profit enterprise. MMJ? Yes.

Are you for or against premarital sex? Only if you're planning on getting married (quote from my friend)

Do you believe in God? I am secular humanist.

Do you think same sex marriage should be legalized? Absolutely.

Do you think it's wrong that so many Hispanics are illegally moving to the country? If for asylum purposes, no. Otherwise, people of any color or race should go through the legal migration process.

A twelve year old girl has a baby, should she keep it? No.

Should the alcohol age be lowered to eighteen? No.

Should the war in Iraq be called off? It has been, allegedly.

Assisted suicide is illegal: do you agree?
It is not in my present state of semi-residence. I don't vote here. I do believe in euthanasia when administered to a lucid patient with the approval of non-corrupt doctors.

Do you believe in spanking children?No.

Would you burn an American flag for a million dollars? Yep.

Who do you think would be a better president: McCain or Obama? Obama.

Do you think Obama will be killed? Debatable.

Should child predators be forced to wear signs identifying themselves ? No. They should be placed on a registry.

Are you afraid others will judge you from reading some of your answers? No.

1753: Professor Georg Wilhelm Richmann, of Saint Petersburg, Russia, became the first recorded person to be killed while performing electrical experiments when he was struck and killed by a globe of ball lightning.[36]

or

1967: Cosmonaut Vladimir Komarov became the first person to die during a space mission after the parachute of his capsule failed to deploy following re-entry. [83]

Ive actually taken down a few entries on paper during the day while I've been bored, during the time I was staying at my friend Tara's doing my...ohhhh 10000000th (?) detox off methamphetamine (some names in this blog are changed - these r ppl who might possibly go on BL, or who might b known by ppl who go on BL, as r the names of gangs i mention....I dont want to be killed, these gangs really do have ppl in them who know who I am....the beauty is, I'm not going to mention if said person is an alias or not so its your guess)

Anyway first entry - 3 days clean (unless were actually counting methadone/valium.....marijuana/alcohol? no....were not, my problem is meth....and opioids when im not on methadone....which is technically an opioid but u know wat i mean....), staying in henderson, auckland, at friends flat

I tribute these first few entries to Nikki Sixxs 'Heroin Diaries' - after all, when i was detoxing, i never really expected to publish them (even on BL) either.....i relate a lot to Nikki.....except hes clean now. everythings gotta b over the top....its all or nothing. thats me - heres to u Nikki (even though i think motley crue played catshit compared to iron maiden )

anyway one chapter of that book was called 'You Could Say I Had A Love Affair With A 10cc Needle' (or something to that effect)
if i was to copy Sixx, this blog would be called 'The Methamphetamine Diaries'.....and this chapter wud b 'A Love Affair With A 3ml Syringe....And A Big Crack Pipe' (NB. if u dont come from NZ, we call crystal methamphetamine 'P' or 'crack' here.....u might find that stupid, but hey its not like u ever really see crack cocaine here, and if u do, u call it 'freebase' cos it was probly cooked by u.......yes ive tried crack cocaine....but it was *cough* from overseas, and yes it was fucking amazing......maybe too amazing).

Not that I don't like heroin. Don't get me wrong. I luv it. So much I'm now on methadone everyday. I luv drugs altogether. I luv being out of it. Coke, E, booze, hash. All ace.

But P is something else. When I see that fine crystal all settled in the pipe and were sitting in a group (that group these days mainly just me, Leon, Andrew, Adam, Chris and May.....the only crackheads I know as....sick....as me) and Mays firing up (May thinks shes better than us cos shes the daughter of some prominent asshole in NZ *job of that asshole disclosed or too obvious - even though shes disowned her dad) I'm smiling at everyone benignly.....everyone is.....but u can see the jitters in all of us. I am a mess inside. I'm sweaty, shaky, emotional.......but I keep that patient smile. I'm getting good at this. I don't like looking like a fiending methhead. Who does????
Inside I'm thinking 'come on May - just give it - why do you ALWAYS have to start???' (probably cos she usually provides the gear). My head spins. I no longer want P. I need it.

None of us are true friends deep down. Well we've all been in and out of bed together....but does that constitute friendship? We no longer fuck though. May and Chris are a couple.....when I was living with Leon we had a twisted sort of relationship.....but now our whole groups bond is formed on that elusive creeping vapour drifting out the top of that glass pipe.

Give me a choice between one of the old days with May (during the period both of us were going to NA and were clean apart from the odd drink) where we'd float in her spa then poke fun at her brother while raiding the alcohol cabinet for bollinger, at her dads mansion, then go out shopping and come back to her flat, laden down with CDs and clothes, giggling over boys and gossip and the normal things non-methheads talk about, or give me the other choice of activity that involves my so-called best friend.....and I'd still choose the second choice, even though I'm choosing to do this detox. Half of me wants to recover.....the other is too scared to live life without P again....to leave Mays group behind. Why? I can't answer that!

May isn't my best friend anyway. My best friend lives in another town.....we've never met face-to-face, but shes another BLer. She kind of puts May to shame.
May used to be my best friend until methamphetamine took her over though.

Why do I love methamphetamine? It's actually more like a lover than a best friend tbh. Why? Look at what it's done to me!
I'm recovering from P-induced septicemia.
I'm covered in trackmarks, have bad teeth and an even worse urethra.
Even though I weigh 39kg.

Being an addict is insane. You can love and hate something at the same time. Lose your life over a chemical and still love even it's name.
Meth-am-phet-a-mine.
Just sounds like another stupid chemical eh? To me that word is a lover, a life, a husband, a wife. Sometimes I think it is me!

I forget the psychotic comedowns. What its done to my body. How it still catches me by the ankle and trips me up when I least expect it. How it turns me into an animal. An animal who will do anything for a feed.

The first withdrawals for me are The Crash (where i sleep a long time for me - 1-3 days usually; this time it was 2) then I start to get psychotic. I forget how bad I've got until I notice the holes in my skin where I pick to let the 'bugs' out. I get texts from ppl like Marie/Mum/Katie and it turns out I've bn talking about men with guns watching me.

I usually get sick during withdrawal. My immune system goes to shit (plus I start chain-smoking) and I get colds/flus. Then asthma.

Dad honestly believed I'd never make 25. He actually took out funeral plans for me a long time ago, which breaks my heart. But I made 25 obviously. I am 25. Question is how much longer can I live like this - and live?

See theres one difference I don't share with the rest of the crowd I use with regularly. I inject mainly. Oh I luv to burn. That rush after smoking crack is amazing - but it's not my method of choice.

May and Chris use needles occasionally.....but not like me. Once I'm heavy on the P my pipe becomes a social thing only. Suddenly I'm back. With my lonely ritual. The shaking hand trying to hold the spoon with the puddle of methamphetamine solution, sucking it up through a 3ml barrel with another shaking hand (even looking at meth makes me shake, let alone dealing with it - in fact I've got a permanent tremor from meth use).

When I'm going through a major relapse I stop bothering with filters and even swabs - too much extra work. I'm too busy hungrily attaching that 26g fit (or 27g if I've run out of veins elsewhere and have to go for my groin) to the syringe, flicking impatiently to get rid of any Dreaded Bubbles then tightening the tourniquet with my teeth and sliding in the needle until the fit fills with that heavenly dark-red blood (the symbolism that I'm Ready To Go). At this point my whole body relaxes, i release the tourniquet and push down the plunger.

Meth isnt really a relaxing drug. But shooting crystal relaxes me. Because suddenly I'm filled with power. I'm someone else. I cease to be me. Me - that person I hate. Everything's going to be all right.

Nothings ever felt all right before. Not before crack. Yet nothing's right on it either.

...Fucking scary as hell.

Note to self: Never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever EVER do heroin.

Do you have the guts take this survey?Yeah, I'm doing it, right?

Would you do meth if it was legalized?I've done meth and it wasn't.

Abortion: for or against it? Pro-choice

Do you think the world would fail with a female president? Psh! No.

Do you believe in the death penalty? Eh, I sway back and forth.

Do you wish marijuana would be legalized already? Legalized for Medical, yes.
Decriminalized otherwise, yes.

Are you for or against premarital sex?Uh, Well, I started WAYYYYYYY beofre I got married, so , I guess yes. If I have kids, no :D

Do you believe in God? Not in the Christian sense.

Do you think same sex marriage should be legalized? Absolutely.

Do you think it's wrong that so many Hispanics are illegally moving to the country? Illegally, yeah. They should do it legally. I have no problem with that......

A twelve year old girl has a baby, should she keep it? Depends on what she and her family decide. But I would hope if she does, she has a supportive family who would play a VERY active role.

Should the alcohol age be lowered to eighteen? No.

Should the war in Iraq be called off? Yeah.

Assisted suicide is illegal: do you agree?
I voted for it to be legal in my state, which was approved, so no......


Do you believe in spanking children?Depends.

Would you burn an American flag for a million dollars? yeah.

Who do you think would be a better president: McCain or Obama? Um, Well No contest. Obama.

Do you think Obama will be killed? I sure hope not.

Should child predators be forced to wear signs identifying themselves ? yeah hahahah A big tattooed C for Creep on their foreheads.

Are you afraid others will judge you from reading some of your answers? Afraid? No. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. If others don't like mine, thats okay.

When me and my ex were together, we made a couple of sex videos. Most of them were ok, but in one of them, I was really fucked on GBL and ended up doing some things that were hot in the moment, but I'd die if anyone else ever saw me do them - just really nasty grade A crack-whore pornstar stuff. After I watched the tape again, I got all paranoid about it (worst case scenarios like what if someone steals his computer and puts it on the internet, I'd never be able to show my face again ), until he told me that he'd delete it because he was so sick of me going on about it..

That was a year ago, and I just found out today that he didn't delete it. I'm not sure how to feel about this . Part of me wants to see it, and perhaps even have a copy. Another part of me feels betrayed, and upset that he didn't realise that it's a big thing for me (it's so much easier for guys in the whole leaked sex tape scenario - they get to be the studs, and she's the stupid whore, especially with the sexual acts being performed on this particular video ).

I trust him, but feel uncomfortable about its existence. I want to ask him to delete it, but would like to keep a copy for myself - this may sound unfair, but then again it's only *my* face in the video. I just can't believe he kept it without telling me. I'm not sure, I can't figure out how to feel about this....

Okay, so i've read A LOT of the fentanyl threads on here. And A LOT of people are bashing on the MYLAN brand Fentanyl patches. These are the plastic matrix type patches. They are NOT gels.

I've been addicted to opiates for 3-4 years now. It started out with one 7.5mg vicodin. Now i'm eating around 50-75mcg of fentanyl EVERY day. It's getting bad. But anyways, the reason for this thread was to express MY feelings on fentanyl patches, mostly the MYLAN brand. It is my favorite. I want to provide some of MY reasons why I enjoy the MYLAN brand over any other. And over any type of gel patches.

Before I go on, it must be known that I don't typically eat these patches to get high. I need them to not go through any w/ds. Otherwise I wouldn't have to do these everyday. When I want to get high, I combine other pills/drugs into the mix. As well as marijuana. But that's an entire different thread. haha.

I hate the gel patches. mostly because of the way I use the mylan patches. I always just cut off & put a piece in my mouth for 4-5 hours, just sitting on my tongue. and it will keep me lovely ALL DAY. I've sucked on gel's before, and a lot of it gets wasted due to swallowing it.

With the gel patches, you certainly cannot take a 100mcg and cut it into 2-4 pieces which you could totally do with a MYLAN. All the gel will leak out. And swallowing the gel is an absolute waste, as it will not effect you once it passes into the g.i tract. I don't like smoking/injecting the gel either. I HAVE smoked it before off tin foil just to see what type of effects I would get. But they were always very shitty. And really short lasting. It also wastes a 100mg patch very quickly. I've seen my friend smoke an entire 100mcg gel within an hour. A 100mcg MYLAN patch for me would last me 2-3 days. And for as expensive as they are (I live in Buffalo, NY...a 100mcg goes anywhere from $60 which is considered really good - all the way up to $100+)

I normally get my hands on whatever size mylan patches are around. 50, 75, or 100mcg usually. Sometimes ill come across some 25mcgs. And lately i'm up to eating 50mg at a time just to feel feel a TINY BIT over comfortable. I take it about an hour after waking up EVERY day. Otherwise i'll feel like shit if I don't. It rarely gets me high. It just makes me feel comfortable in my own skin for the day. Then Ill usually eat another 25mcg at night around 9-10pm (I don't go to sleep til about 3am), not because I need it for maintenance...but just to be chilled out. And I know i'll sleep good if I eat a little piece at night. Ill also eat xanax sometimes (lately, quite often) with my night dose of 25mcg. Then me and my girlfriend will usually just chill out and watch a movie. I try to limit myself on the xanax though..i'm already addicted to one terrible drug. I don't need to get myself into another dangerous drug, with the w/ds from it resulting in possible seizure's & death. I was so niave about opiates when I first started doing them. I really didn't know what addiction was. I was just selling scripts of vidodin to make money, and I would eat a few every time. Then I started getting them every day to sell, so I would keep a couple more..then vic's didnt work anymore and I got into oxy's..then they got too expensive and didn't work.. and then I found fentanyl and got out of control. Please, if you're reading this and have not taken a trip to the world of opiates...DO NOT start. You do not want to take that trip. And i've never tried heroin for that exact reason - Because I will love it too much, and I promised myself I would never get into heroin. Fentanyl is as far as it's going to go.

But anyways, I believe the mylan patches are MUCH better. They can be very easily hidden. I keep mine in a cd case in my room. Or when i'm out & about, ill keep them in my wallet. Another reason I take a liking to them is because you can pretty much cut yourself whatever size dose you want. Which you cannot do with the gels.

I can't believe I use to get out of my mind for 6+ hours on a piece of about 10-15mcg. with insane nods. Sometimes if I ate it at night, I would wake up the next..afternoon(haha) like 13 hours later, still high as a kite. Now I couldn't even get those results if I ate an entire 100mcg.

I plan on getting off these really soon. I'm weaning myself down as far as I can then i'm going to jump off. I've been stacking up on benzo's for the w/ds. Also got some Immodium AD at my hand. Some nyquil, with dxm in it hehe. That should help right? Any other suggestions? I REALLY wish I could get my hands on some Clonodine. Dang. It sounds like that stuff would help immensley.


But I hope this thread was helpful to anyone looking for info on MYLAN brand fentanyl patches vs. duragesic (gel). If you have the choice to get gel, or the plastic matrix...go with the matrix!! especially the MYLAN brand.



Wish me luck on getting off this stuff guys.




PS - This is my first post by the way, so spare me if it's a little bit all over the place. I had a lot I wanted to say, but wasn't too sure how I wanted to structure it. And i'm not even sure I posted this in the right area. I'm sorry!

Today is Friday, August 20, 2010 and it is now 1218 PM here in the South Bronx, New York City, USA.

Recap: I was talking about how some Filipinas scam sad white men online.

This entry: I am sitting at a table in the Mott Haven Branch of the New York City Public Library, reveling in all the printed materiel. As small as this library is it is almost heaven after the last couple of months in the Philippines. Even the most isolated part of that country has fluent English speakers but apart from a couple of tiny 1 person stalls in malls, and only then in the biggest of cities can one find English books. For that matter, there aren't that many book stores in native languages either.

I am reading a travelogue about the Mid East. I love seeing the region through the eyes of foreigners but only those who truly immerse themselves in the disparate cultures and Peoples. I have a habit of reading several books at the same time, switching as the fancy strikes me. Today I am only reading 2 books, the other being a huge compendium on Liberation Theology.

For those unaware, Liberation Theology is a distinctly left wing ideology where religious Catholics use their Catholicism to support (usually) violent liberation movements (easiest way to describe it).

If anyone used to read my BL Journal they might recall a time I took my (then) 8 year old sister-in-law Marian to a show at the Mt.Carmel Catholic Church, the village church in San Franz (San Francisco), our town in Mindanao. A Carmelite institution, usually staffed with foreigners, it also runs Mt.Carmel College, Rizza's alma mater, a K through 12th grade school (as well as the rest of the family)...though "12th Grade" is a bit of a misnomer since the Philippine School System is a 10 year system ( that is how I was able to marry Rizza when she was 15,and still have married her after she entered university). They are considering a change, but I doubt that will ever happen.

The show was by the Philippine celebrity Che Che Guitterez. As we entered the sanctuary, where the show was taking place, I couldn't help but notice how empty the pews were. Like most churches in the rural areas there, the outer walls were painted cinder blocks with circular arpertures,as much for decoration as for utility since they allow air to circulate freely.

All along the walls were brown faces pressing themselves into those openings as hard as they possibly could. Tickets had cost 600 Pesos, roughly 13 US Dollars, half a weeks pay for most... and most don't work.

I expected the priest, in this case a Filipino, to allow these poor and desperate people to enter once the show began. After all, once the show started they wouldn't be able to make any more money, right?

The slide show began, cheesy music and spoken word in Tagalog, a language not really understood in the south, even though it is basically the national language and a mandated subject in every school.

The doors stayed shut. I felt as if I wanted to beat that priest, to beat him bloody and shove his face through those openings, make him see what I was seeing. He was blind to his surroundings, most are but sometimes, very rarely a priest or Church Lay Worker comes, and they are touched. More than a couple have run off into the bush and joined the rebels. The most famous was Father Navarro, "The Barefoot Priest." He was especially noteworthy for coming from one of the island's richest families, the Navarro Clan of Surigao de Norte Province.

In my last entry, in Comments, Mariposa asked me why I hate Americans. I could answer any number of ways but my particular reason THEN related to something I sadly discovered about 3 weeks ago, in Quezon City, the part of Metro Manila where Jackie lives.

I had sought out a doctor to "write" for me. I have enough morphine, fentanyl and oxycodone to last maybe 3 years. Being the addict that I am, it is not enough. I can never feel secure unless I have an open conduit in obtaining these substances.

I finally found a doctor with the neccessary S2 Liscence, which allows him to write prescriptions for "Dangerous Drugs," in this case opiates/opioids. He was most obliging, to the point where he looked as if he was going to start crying. Why was he sad? He was ready and willing to write for me BUT was UNABLE. In late 2009 some fucken dickhead from Boston, 28 years old (I will leave his name alone, he has enough problems) decided he was going to do the same thing, only he didn't give a shit about anyone but himself.

He fucked the 2 doctors who obliged him, the pharmacy where he filled it, and 3 staff members of that pharmacy. He was getting massive amounts of Oxycontin (we have a French brand, Mundipharma, in the country). He had the doctors who were very naive, give him a bunch of scripts. He had them put the same date on all of the scripts, then filled them all on the same day at the same pharmacy!

Fast forward 4 months and the renewal of the pharmacy's Liscence. An auditor went over the books and of course notices this huge aberration. Then, he discovered that after that date the guy continued going to the pharmacy but didn't worry about prescriptions, getting the tabs over the counter.

All the people involved caught indictments including this dickhead American, but of course he happened to have left the country. It doesn't take much creativity OR effort to go to 8 or 9 pharmacies, or to stagger scripts, datewise.

Quezon City is tight as a drum now though I have yet to find about other parts of the Metro area. I have a gnawing feeling that other areas will have heard about this, especially pharmacies since only 1 retail chain carries opiates/opioids in the entire nation! Hospital Pharmacies charge twice as much, but hey, better than an American street corner, right?

Some old artwork from 2003-2006...

The following has some graphic drawings and depictions of self-injury in a violent manner, please view with caution...

Broken by my Master: http://a.imageshack.us/img44/5421/tearsofblood.jpg (a pen/color pencil drawing of a random model in some magazine I bought long ago, I received a 'C' on a paper freshman year at LU. I was attempting to get out the rage in art instead of on myself)

Purple Haze: http://a.imageshack.us/img101/818/purplehazem.jpg (digital art when I first started dabbling in it...I was high on DXM in this picture this was around the first year I came home after being forced to leave LU)

Perfect Cage: http://a.imageshack.us/img148/9915/perfectthincage.jpg (pen/number 2 pencil drawing depicting my Eating Disordered mind and hell within around my freshman year at LU)

RIP Layne Stanley of Alice in Chains 1967-2002: http://a.imageshack.us/img339/9563/laynetearsofred.jpg (Tribute drawing of Layne from AIC who passed in 2002 of a speed ball overdose coke and Heroin combined, pen drawing with red pen for the tears of blood I drew this when I came home from school in 2005)

Watch Over Me: http://a.imageshack.us/img265/5608/kurtunplugged.jpg (Kurt Cobain unplugged pen drawing sophomore year at LU)

You Were the one, Who Could Set the Sun: http://a.imageshack.us/img96/8521/kurtguitar.jpg (Kurt Cobain pencil drawing when he practiced during the In utero era, I drew this my sophomore year at LU as well)

Untitled: http://a.imageshack.us/img442/7758/kurtpu.jpg (Kurt Cobain pen/color pencil drawing freshman year at LU)

America's Sweetheart Wallpaper: http://a.imageshack.us/img40/7561/highcourtney.jpg (digital art of Courtney Love done in 2005 during her America's Sweetheart/coke habit era)

Figure 8: http://a.imageshack.us/img43/1818/figure8elliott.jpg (Pen drawing half done of Elliott Smith around 2006, overlapping the figure 8 wall with one of the last pictures taken of him before his death in 2003)

XO: http://a.imageshack.us/img30/2748/elliottsmith1.jpg (Live close up pencil drawing of Elliott Smith drawn around 2005)

St. Ides: http://a.imageshack.us/img204/8623/elliott2.jpg (Rare picture of Elliott Smith found on line drawn in pencil in 2005)

'High' Mesh Up Wallpaper: http://a.imageshack.us/img823/7126/digitaldrugart.jpg (another 2004 digital wallpaper with some cliché under the influence pics faded into my pic)

Goddess Clove: http://a.imageshack.us/img707/7329/courtneylove2004.jpg (Courtney Love pencil drawing in 2005, America's Sweetheart era)

She's Lost Control: http://a.imageshack.us/img205/9056/courtneyhascomeundone.jpg (Courtney Love pencil drawing 2006, Live Through This era)

I recently found some promethazine pills in my medicean cabnet. from what i know it is used for like cough or something. any help on this would be awesome. the question is can i get high off them?

If you could have one wish, what would you wish for? Don't be shy. I would wish for the elimination of money. We would have to exchange goods and services by bartering vegetables and bread. We would have to revert back to our old ways where technology isn't neccessary for our survival. Imagine what our world would be like if we didn't have currency. We would be living it back like it was during the stone ages where cavemen existed. Our lifestyle would be simple and humble. We would put all our manpower into space travel but we would still live in teepees and caves. The idea would be co-existing. A humble yet advanced lifestyle.

(continued)
If we spent all our time and devotion into one thing, my theory is that we would put it into spacetravel. Spacetravel would mean more businesses, more opportunity for growth, and a reason to live. To expand our creator's creations and flourish into something we haven't conceived yet. There may be something awaiting for us in the near future, something that we cannot comprehend. It might be aliens, it might be sentient life forms that are actually universes inside their living bodies. Either way you look at it, it is mind-blowing what we could achieve if we only put our space and time into it.

i have had several dreams where i am chewing gum and it get stuck in my tooth. it becomes really painful to pull the gum out and usually my teeth come with it. or my tooth is loose and the gum sticks and pulls it out.

i wake up usually remembering bits and pieces of my dreams, so that is not odd. and i often have dreams about the same thing if something is on my mind, but teeth and gum? wtf?