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She seems to see it all to late. The signs were all there pointing, screaming and begging for her to take the other road. Damn it all that one had too many stones, and everyone who was anyone went down this way. Never mind most didn't come back.

She followed the herd mindless like all the rest, down dark side streets. Places you'd never go alone (if you were sane). The herd went down different allies following the siren's call: Dope..Dope.. Powder..Powder Works.

She found her powder, than her works and melted away into the shadows...

Sometimes I wonder if she ever came back up that road. I've never seen foot prints leading out, and I've been waiting awhile now...

I can honestly say im really sick of everyday here being almost the same. Wake up, smoke a joint, workout, go on the net, etc. Rinse and fucking repeat.

I need out of here bad but i havent got the cash. I spend way too much on ciggs and weed. Ive been doing nothing but smoking weed non stop for the past few days. Maybe i can smoke enough where i will forget my problems.

Today is Friday the twenty-sixth day of August in 2010 CE, the day of the grace and peace of our Lord the Flying Spaghetti Monster, the love of Pasta, and the fellowship of the Authentic Sauce; the day of the salvation, redemption, providence, and blessing of the almighty Flying Spaghetti Monster Most High. If not today then what other day is there?

I don't wish to offend anyone, but I need to unwind, to vent, and to decompress from the emotional stress that I am experiencing as a result of my relationship with my girlfriend.

I've been back from my week in the desert for about 1 week. Despite hiking some 20 miles per day with a 75 pound back pack through mountainous terrain (there was so much to see and explore and the coca leaves I was sucking on must have helped give me the energy to do it), I've gained weight. I caught and ate a lot of fish out there.

Complaints.

A, my gf, says I'm a "project," a kind of emotionally damaged person that she thinks she can train and fix

This morning my gf scolded me for using a fork instead of using a spoon to eat oatmeal. I told her that unless I'm eating something runny like soup, I prefer to use a fork. And especially a fork when it's oatmeal that's started to cool. Using a spoon in cooling oatmeal makes a nasty sticky-sucking sound. She said use the fork and I'll stab you with it. The she threatened to listen to turn on NPR. NPR, National Public Radio, is a radio network which I hate on a visceral level. Usually a few minutes of it makes my skin crawl.

TV uses hosts who are considred "TV friendly" in their grooming, appearance, and mannerisms. They try not to hire hosts who don't look good on the screen. Analogous to this, most commercial radio networks do the same with their radio DJs and hosts. They don't want their listeners to get annoyed and change the channel. But not NPR. It hires news anchors and hosts with annoying idiosyncracies. Usually, something about the way they speak is annoying. It's subtle -- not something that you would notice talking to somebody face to face, but only when it's recorded and amplified out of proportion with a microphone. And when you sit in your kitchen, drinking coffee and reading, with it going on for a while do you begin to notice it. And the longer it's on, the more grating to the nerves it becomes. Sometimes it seems like the NPR recording engineer, or whatever the job is, turns up the high frequency pickup so you hear nothing but clicking of lips and tongue. The hosts often sound like have a dry sticky mouth and that they badly need drink of water. It's kind of like the nasty squicking sound of using a spoon to eat cold oatmeal. Or it's the old farts in a program called "Car Talk" who sit there laughing at their fuddy duddy old man jokes (they tell the SAME FSCKING JOKES EVERY FSCKING WEEK!@!@@! A listens to this program every week! FSCK I AM MAD JUST THINKING ABOUT IT! ) and take only 1 or 2 calls about actual car problems in the entire hour it's on, or the annoying Garrison Keylor, ......

Then, she said I hate women. The reasons she gave it that I look at porn (I look at porn about once a month, but it's really none of her business. ) and because I won't eat her "cream pie," and because I hate the fanatical man-haters who made up the Temperance Movement in the US about 100 years ago.

Right after coming back to portland, I found a pair of my blue jeans in the trash. She was at the house and had access to my things while I was gone. During the past week, I've noticed some other of my clothes have gone missing as well. Shirts, socks, underwear, pants. I think my gf is throwing them away. She has recently complained about the way I dress, and I can't find some of the clothes she complained about.

I just read in the paper today that A__'s cousin Buba burned down several neighborhood houses. Just saw this in the news. What kind of family is hers

What a pleasant thing to wake up to. My mom ranting and raving at my bro and dad about nothing. It's just that her fucked up head decided that on this sunday when everyone is home and we are supposed to be eating a nice dinner that she is going to make everyone miserable.

She even says sometimes and i quote "since im miserable im going to make everyone else feel miserable too". What sane fucking person would want to do that? The last thing i would want is for anyone i cared about to feel as bad as i do sometimes. In fact i would do anything i could for someone i cared about not to have to go through what i go through.

She also refuses to get any help and only in the rare occasions when she is feeling remorseful does she even admit she has a fucking problem. Most of the time she says "there is nothing wrong with me except that i have to be around all you people and i have to live in this house". Ive been hearing that since i was about 16 or so i think. I have no idea what disorder she actually has but she most certainly does need to see a psychiatrist or something.

I mean im no fucking angel but atleast i admit i have a problem and i get treatment for it. She just can't seem to do that.

So how do i deal with al this shit? The same way i deal with most bad shit that happens i take 4 60mg MScontins as soon as wake up instead of the 1 im supposed to take. That along with 4-6mg's of clonazepam, some diphenhydramine and maybe a few percocets will have me not giving a fuck about all this nonsense fairly soon.

Off to the pleasant land of nod.

Well after dinner she chilled out abit and stopped yelling at me and my bro. My dad (so called dad anyway) was gone so that might have helped chill her out. Whenever he's around the noise level goes up by 90%.

She did go into a period of self loathing later on tonight but i didnt let it get me down. I was pretty high by then so it wasent bothering me .

Ok, so recently gardening has become a bit of a hobby of mine. I started with various herbs to add to my meals, and they were quite successful. I later progressed to growing Tomatoes, which, were not so successful because my yard just lacks enough sun to let these babies cultivate properly

Well, as a the eager person I've always been, I decided to try my hand at the Lophophora Williamsii species of Cactus. Well aware of the length it would take to grow such beautiful things, I decided it's well worth the wait.

I ordered 3 different kinds of Williamsii species, for curious parties: 10 seeds of each

L. Williamsii

L.W. Var jourdaniana (crimson red flower)

L.W. Var caespitosa

When I received them in the mail, I was not hesitant whatsoever to begin my process.

I went to the local nursery and purchased 15 pots and Premier Pro Mix soil. I then placed the soil in the pots and poured boiling water over the pots and soaked them nicely. I let the pots drain on a tray outdoors for about 19 hours. I placed the 2 seeds in per pot and gently patted them down with a spoon (unfortunately the amount of soil per pot is different and some of the soil is rather uneven, I hope this doesn't disturb my process). I then placed 11 pots in ziplock bags and the placed ceramic wrap over the remaining 4 an placed and elastic band around the pots to ensure their security. I then proceeded to place all the pots on a tray and right by a west window on the top floor of my house. The window does not receive direct sunlight as instructed for germination, but it does get sunshine throughout the day. It's summer time now so the temperature should remain as it should for the time being.

I did this just yesterday, so the process has only just begun!

I will write blogs on this subject every time something new seems to progress with my plants.

Now, next summer I might just begin to start planting other botanicals such as Datura Metel and Salvia Divinorum, if the owners of my residence approve 8)

My clock is all messed up-
I'm not functioning as normal.
Not only with sleep but with everything- but sleep bothers me. I liked my sleep schedule as it was......I'd be in bed around 12-12:30 and up at like 9am.....Now, here it is, 2:15am and I'm going to have to take a pill to sleep.....this means I will likely sleep until noon and won't get to bed tomorrow night at a decent hour!!
Ugh!
Whining over.
(for now)

Ok, well i was at a friends house last night and he asked if i wanted to Smoke with him. I like smoking pot but he said he had some K2 that he gotten from a head shop. So i only knew a little bit about this stuff and he filled me in on what it is and how its a legal high so i was curious and wanted to try it. So we go out and we smoke a bowl(though i only took one hit, Didnt like the taste) Well about 20 minutes later we go out and i actually smoke a bowl with him this time. When i did i didnt really feel too much, just a head change. It was Definitely a let down for me. Well id say..maybe 30 minutes later we went out on the porch and decided to smoke another, so we did. I took way bigger hits and held them in for about..10 seconds or so. I got a good 4-5 big hits from it. I took a few minutes for the effects to start, but we sat on the stairs to the porch and just talked and in about 2 minutes i started "coming out of my body" Kinda like..my soul was try to escape this body and fly away. Well we decided to skate in the street, thats when i started to feel it. A cop drove by the road in front of us, hit his breaks, and did a u turn and that scared the fuck out of me. I thought he was coming to get us, so i started running and hid and the cop didnt even come our way. And my friend was geekin out askin what was wrong and i could tell i was high. I got paranoid. Well i went and layed down on the couch and started shivering like i was really really cold. I was wrapped up in sleeping bag trying to stay warm i was so shaky. I was laying there i started to space out, it felt as if my spirit was sinking into the couch and the sleeping bag around me was like a cocoon. i felt really safe. It was really comfy and felt as if i were on a cloud. i was not in reality, my mind was going off in every direction and i started getting freaked out. My heart was beating fast and i was shaking. My body was so numb i felt so hollow. I kinda felt "Invisible" if that makes sense. Like i felt like i had no body that im just a spirit dissolving into nothing. when i sat up and started walking it was a little hard to walk. My legs were numb. when my friends talked to me i stuttered a little bit from being so shaky. i went in and sat with my friend who smoked with me, We were on the computer. I felt a little safer watching videos and listening to music cause it kinda brought me back into my body and back into reality. I just had to keep reminding myself and doing a reality check that nothings wrong and that im safe and at my friends house just like any other time. then i started to get hot, so i took off the sleeping bag and started drinking some water. I had a very dry mouth and i also put a little bit of cold water on my face. After a little bit went by i was still high but not as high. I was more back in my body and was able to control it. At this point it felt like i just smoked weed. So i was ok and calmed down now. Overall this trip lasted about 1 1/2 hours. I guess my exp wasnt THAT bad but there were times when i flipped out and got really scared. I felt on the verge of tripping but i wasnt tripping.

would i do it again? At first during it i said i wasnt gonna do it. I hated it. it was really really strong. But as i got use to it and got through it, it really wasnt that bad at all. So i would prolly try it again.

My suggestion is that do it with friends. Ones you trust. You dont wanna do anything stupid and it will also keep you in reality and keep you from freaking out. As soon as i was with my one friend i knew that everything was ok. We were just talking about how we felt and what we were feeling, so i knew i wasnt in this alone.

Thats my review of K2. Im sorry if its not that good, i never written a review.

my daughter's favorite planet is mashed potatoes.

man fuck alchol, it makes me feel no good when combined with other things

I'm cross posting this from a post I made in the SLR forum. I need toget this out of my system.

Thread title:

Psycho girlfriend behavior

It's a list that I will keep adding to whenever I think of something else.

Most of the above.
And:
She screams "RAPE!" at the top of her lungs in a department store when you won't buy her the $400 sweater she HAS to have.
She says her ex-boyfriends raped her.
She kicks your dog.
Runs over your pet rat.
Then rams you with her car.
Tries to run over elderly neighbor with car.
Pees on your chair.
Accuses your friend of drugging her and raping her.
As you can imagine, this causes problems for the friend.
Then, she laughs when your friend (his name was Dusty) kills himself. Then makes a joke: "Dusty's taking a dirt nap. HAHAHAHa," she shrieks hysterically.
Then she says:" And when I get through with you, you'll be taking a dirt nap with Dusty." "HAAHAHAHa!" she cackles gleefully at that thought.
Cooks you stew, and after eating about half a bowl, you find a tampon in it.
Puts Nair in your shampoo bottle.
Sticks a wine bottle up her butt.
Then, breaks wine bottle over your head. I've still got a divot-shaped scar in the side of my head.
Then beats her mom with a lamp when mom tries to intervene.
Then hides in her dealer's apartment across the street because by now, the neighbors have called the cops.
Once in jail, calls you and says you have to get her out or you'll "get what's coming to you."
Still in jail, threatens suicide and goes to psych ward.
Cuts holes in your underwear.
Drugs and kidnaps you.
Won't let you break up with her. Ever.
Claims she just gave birth to your baby and shows you something in a tupperware bowl that she has been keeping in her refrigerator. The bowl has a bloody mess in it.
Follows you around town and figures out who you're now seeing and then threatens them.
Keys your new girl friends car.
Spray paints your new girlfriends front door.
Poops in your new girlfriends front yard.
Gets into your old papers when your not home and steals your Socko-Dex from several years ago. It contains a list of phone numbers of family, current and former friends, x-girlfriends (marked out), etc.
Calls your boss, co-workers, relatives, ex-girlfriends, ex-girlfriends' mothers, etc. and tells them she's a battered woman. When her calls don't elicit the intended response, she keeps calling and threatens these people.
Gets you fired.
There's more. I'm writing a blog about it. It's titled "Misogyny."

Click to expand...

I am starting to remember the energy and emotion of raves. It is not quite bliss, but very close.

I am trying to learn to glowstring. I really think I will love it, once I get good enough to actually do routines. The fluidity of body motion, the fluidity of the lights. Beautiful. Right up my alley.

Need to get back to the scene...

especially since I've been planning on going since forever. I hate the fact that my mom never has enough money for anything. I feel depressed now cause I was gonna go rolling balls and titties D:

Though I still have til the september one but the one today was the biggest rave event here

Today I landed a great job as a supervising pharmacy technician at ****** ******* General Hospital.

I'd been waiting for the position for almost 5 years.

If anyone reads this, feel free to drop me a pm.

Well, there have been two phone calls within the last week that started with those words. My reaction was shock and surprise.

The first was: 'Didja hear Stewart died?'

Fuck, man. Stewart was this dude in NA in my area who I didn't know very well but respected greatly.

He was a tall, Muslim dude who had 19 years clean. He was fuckin' hardcore, man. He didn't fuck around with nonsense and had this air of patience about him. He never forgot those days when he was shooting dope and living in an abandoned car in North Philly.

He taught me how to give a REAL hug (not one of those worthless, insincere 'pat you on the back' hugs. He would say something along the lines of 'either hug me like you'll never see me again or don't hug me at all'.

The second time was: 'Didja hear about Dave? He died last night.'

I'm affected by this. Dave worked at the local homeless shelter and I could really relate to him. We shared the same issues with rage and violent reactions. We always seemed to share the same type of issues at the same times. He was one of the few dudes in NA that would call me to see if I was doing okay.

Dammit, Dave. You had a fuckin' heart on you, brother. I remember that you confided in me just two days ago about the dude who died in front of you at the shelter. It wasn't your fault, man. You called the ambo, you performed CPR and you gave the dude comfort. The State Hospital is huge man, it ain't your fault the ambo went to the wrong building.

I remember your stories of being in the gangs in the 70's and 80's. I was impressed that you knew I was skin but still hung with me and didn't care what color I was. I respect that you had the willingness to associate with a newcomer like me.

Haha! I can't stop smiling about how, only a few months ago, you said 'I had to make him leak, Jeff, I had to.' (he was referring to his addict brother who was threatening violence on their mom. He grabbed a handfull of pens and jabbed them in the dude's forehead! LOL!!!!!!)

Dude, I considered you the black version of me. I already miss the stories of all the nuts you used to hang out with.

Well, you guys don't have to deal with the bullshit anymore. I selfishly miss you both. Maybe someday I will have the qualities I admired about you.

I only wonder... who will be the third?

count on a hundred fists clenched in opposition.

so much effort.


yet nothing can be explained. there is no golden cup that yields our passion for right comings. no hopeful star to bring light into vast fields growing ever darker in the times at hand. there's only thought and the power it wants to have but will never possess.
there is will. an anonymous character inside all of anything. it is what drives anything to be and to continue being. rightfully placed and unmoving, bating the time when the likes are not likely. leading grounds take part in procrastination giving way to inevitability.

we are the children of ourselves.

I get pissed off every day looking at the situation of addicted people who break no social rules, who hurt nobody, yet they're stigmatized. This is sick and wrong.

Imagine all those people living upright no matter what they do. University, job, whatever. They may even be the best of all in what they do but hey, they're addicted. They're fucking junkies!

I don't think one broke any social rule (unwritten but it's just all about how people should interact one with another) shooting anything. One hurts people because of this, alright. But why? Where does that come from? In my opinion it all comes from misunderstanding of what addiction/abuse is. Is it bad? Well, in this world it is, it costs, it's against the law etc. In any other world constructed differently nobody would give a damn. Right - the law - this is another thing (made up by human by the way) causing more stigmatization and feeling of guilt (you bought some medicine/drug in any form from someone, there's someone higher than 'first' someone, there's someone higher than 'second' someone, oh - you contribute to the process of global drug industry by serving yourselves a moment of freedom and calm or euphoria and feeling great).

Long time ago there weren't zillions of central-acting drugs of abuse. Well, people didn't even

Hi, my name is: spork

Never in my life have I been: a fan of cranberries

The one person who can drive me nuts is: my kitty cat (she's people)

High school was: extremely cliquey

When I'm nervous: it shows

The last time I cried was: I don't remember!

If I were to get married right now my maid of honor would be: Emily, Hillary, and Denise. They can fight over it or share the duties.

My hair is: reddish brown
When I was 10: I spent my last year in Colorado

Last Christmas: I worked

I should be: studying
When I look down I see: my kitty cat looking up at me

The happiest recent event was: bloolight wedding

If I were a character on 'That 70's Show' I'd be: myself

By this time next year: I'll be a year older

My current gripe is: haters

I have a hard time understanding: a lot of people

There's this girl I know that: is amazing

You know I like you when: I tell you

If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: My parents

Take my advice: let it go!

Something that I really want to buy is: new clothes

If you visited the place I was born: you'd probably love it. most people do.

I plan to visit: the library when i finish this.

If you spend the night at my house: you'd think I was weird if you don't already

I'd stop my wedding if: I was marrying the wrong guy

The world could do without: most things. simplicity=

I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: Eat it.

Most recent thing I've bought myself: chai latte

Most recent thing someone else bought me: dinner

My favorite blonde is: Hillary

My favorite brunette is: my daddy

My favorite redhead is: my mama

My middle name is: Lynn

This morning I: hit snooze a bunch

The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are: kitties!

Once, at a bar: I got drunky drunk

Last night I was: watching nurse jackie

There's this guy I know who: is an ass

I don't know: a lot of things

A better name for me would be: there's nothing better i love my name

Tomorrow I am: going to class

Tonight I am: doing laundry

My birthday is: the same as Dustin Diamond's (SCREECH!)

What I really wanted for Valentine's Day was: nothing

I can sing: horribly

I like a guy named: my daddy

My best friend's name: Hillary, Emily, & Denise

Hi, my name is: Mariposa

Never in my life have I been: Graceful. I am a klutz.

The one person who can drive me nuts is: Truly nuts? My father.

High school was: A lot of fun.

When I'm nervous: I need lots of reassurance.

The last time I cried was: last night

If I were to get married right now my attendants of honor would be: my best friend Josh of 10+ years, my other bestie Lauren.

My hair is: Longish and medium blonde.

When I was 10: I went through puberty and was shipped off to New York.

Last Christmas: Was spent with my family in Oregon.

I should be: Writing an essay.

When I look down I see: My laptop keyboard.

The happiest recent event was: Vacation in May.

If I were a character on 'That 70's Show' I'd be: Donna as a blonde.

By this time next year: I'll be in a different state and possibly country.

My current gripe is: The economy.

I have a hard time understanding: Romantic relationships.

There's this girl I know that: I really miss, in fact a few.

You know I like you when: You just know.

If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: My dad.

Take my advice: Don't burn any bridges.

Something that I really want to buy is: A car!

If you visited the place I was born: You'd find a lot of strip malls adjacent to a lot of history.

I plan to visit: A few BLers and my dad, very soon.

If you spend the night at my house: You'd have fun.

I'd stop my wedding if: I found out something irreparably fucked-up at the altar.

The world could do without: Idiots.

I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: Eat it.

Most recent thing I've bought myself: A book of postage stamps.

Most recent thing someone else bought me: Dinner (thanks J).

My favorite blonde is: Myself!

My favorite brunette is: Kenickie tied with Ocean.

My favorite redhead is: My bestie from high school.

My middle name is: Not telling.

This morning I: Went to get coffee and started writing.

The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are: Gila monsters.

Once, at a bar: I met up with a few BLers.

Last night I was: Sleeping.

There's this guy I know who: I think has relapsed on heroin.

I don't know: where to go from here.

A better name for me would be: Jezebel

Tomorrow I am: celebrating my roommate's birthday.

Tonight I am: Probably gonna watch TV, surf the net, and have a beer or three.

My birthday is: the day the Titanic sank and Lincoln was shot.

What I really wanted for Valentine's Day was: A lot of drugs.

I can sing: alright with more training.

I like a guy named: No comment.

My best friend's name: Joshua

Stripped down to the bare nuts of it all. Yeah, thats what I feel like is occurring. Life seems to hold this sick fucking wisdom i suppose. Its looking at me and saying, 'Motherfucker, you are lost in all this other shit. You think you are defined by all this outside shit? Nah. Lets take away all those things that were so important, those things that you cling to in an attempt to finally have an answer, an EASY answer. Lets see who you REALLY are.'

Well Life, I'm not certain I'm a fan of this particular lesson plan but I can see the effectiveness. You know this method fuckin' hurts, right? It fuckin' hurts real bad, man and I don't see the pain contributing to any 'ends justify the means' kinda thing. Character is not being built. Strength is not being acquired.

This feels more like a beatdown that never stops. The boots just keep hittin' the ribs. Life wears mother fuckin steel-toe Solovair stompers too. That shit leaves marks.

I dunno, man. Here are some of the flattering fucking things you have showed me at the balls naked level of things:

1) I'm fearful
2) I'm self-centered
3) I am not ok being alone like this
4) I run from everything
5) I talk bullshit

At least I'm aware of the indisputable fact that EVERYTHING is temporary so go fuck yourself. This will run its course.

Ain't nothing I can do but feel these things, roll with it all and keep things fuckin' movin'.

Hey everyone "WELL HEY"
got in a big bang car accident, woke to head injury tremors, night blindness, raging ass fear, doc had me on ssri's, Oxycontin and 6 mgs zanax a day.
as I got better this crap made me nuts, I tapered with serenity resolutions tea, slowly, ssri's were some real bad stuff, shut down sex organs.
PROBLEM I still am real darn sensitive to light, I mean big way, doc says it may pass but it an't! anyone got any ideas that help