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I have this friend, who I have loved, as family.
I have been a good friend to her.
I approach friendships thinking- be the friend I would want.....ya know?
Well, this girl, has been blowing me off the last few days- wrote me a nasty note saying I was being like a jealous high school bf when I asked a few times why she was ignoring me. At first I asked , or said 'I think you are avoiding me' jokingly- then it seemed she actually was which caught me off guard.....so I msged her on fb and asked her if and why she was......
I was sort of catty back and then the next day wrote and apologized for my rude response. and she hasn't responded. So a couple days went by, I called her today and she didn't answer.
She is OBVIOUSLY blowing me off but if I were to mention this, she would say I am paranoid or being immature.
I am sick and tired of people thinking they can treat me like some disposable friend. I do not want to be a friend of convenience.
That's annoying.
What is most annoying is she won't even tell me what her deal is. If I did something wrong, tell me.
If I didn't and you're having a shitty week, tell me. Don't be immature and play games and then accuse me of acting like I'm in high school.
I guess if she calls I will wait and see if she act
ually has good reason to be treating me this way.....Can't think of one but we will see.
I am just at the end of my rope with one sided relationships.
Be my friend or don't- but have the balls to be up front with me.
After slipping up this week and using meth again, I learned something about the drug that I'd suspected for a while. Once you've been hooked on the meth, you'll be disappointed with it every time you use. You can never quite get the same high that you used to. Nothing can match your very first hit. Even after 2 months off meth, the high didn't quite meet my expectations. It was good quality gear too - it wasn't shit, and I smoked a reasonable amount. So I guess this is another reason why I should try to stay clean. What's the point in using a drug that always lets you down? :\
Ecstasy was one of those substances I told myself I would never try, in high school. Freshman year of high school I was offered some by the principle's son and was pretty tempted to try it, but well aware of many of the horror stories that were purported by it from the media. I refrained that night and Reflecting back I wish I had tried it then, because trying it later led me to a plethora of other things as well, many that did me no good.

Route of Administration:
Oral, Insuffalation
Appearance of Drug: Various colored stamped pills, white crystal powder
Length of Drug: 5-8 hours
Memorable Songs on Drug:
Chemical Brothers: Do It Again
Motorcycle: as the rush comes (extended mix)
Daft Punk: One More Time
Drug Scores: 4-10 /10

I Finally tried Ecstasy at 19 with 2 close friends. The first roll was amazing, I was surprised by the fact that I never felt overwhelmed by it in the way I had with hallucinogens, yet it still maintained a significant change in cognitive thinking which I found quite psychedelic. Through E I was introduced to the rave culture, and my first time rolling at a rave was up there with the first roll. I have had many rolls over the past 5 years and many say there first few are the best, I can't say that's been the same case with me. I've had some of my best rolls up until last year. Different enviornments, different people, different music, and different pills all adds some undefinable enigma to the Ecstasy experience.

Music is necessary for me on Ecstasy. Electronic music usually goes best but I can listen to certain rock as well. On some rolls the music just feels as if it flows through my being and into my soul. Other times it has a less spiritual feeling and is just all about getting down to the funky beats. On the comedown the music usually shifts to slower electronica or introspective softer rock, marijuana is great at this stage. But, one of the worst things about E is I've used Ketamine, Salvia, Nitrous and GBL to fend off the comedown as well. One can easily end up trying 3 different substances in an evening with ecstasy, one of it's traps.

I've used it at parties, used it in small groups, and used it by myself each experience lending itself to a different aspect of the experience. It is probably the most versatile drug there is.

Personal Pros
Introduced me to new people
Found new music
Discovered and worked on personal issues
Enjoy Dancing
-Euphoric
-Stimulates Creative Thinking
-Positive Mood Push

Personal Negatives
Probably become more closed off after experience
Use other drugs with it
-Comedown
-Short Term Memory Loss
-Grinding Teeth
I've been suffering from agoraphobia w/ panic disorder and social phobia for about a decade.

An array of antidepressants and benzos have been prescribed to me in the past, but none compare (in effectiveness) to my most recent antianxiety regimen:

Buspirone (For mental symptoms)
Betablocker (For physical symptoms)
Fast-acting Benzo (For panic attacks)

I learned this-and-that about buspirone and betablockers while writing an essay on mental health disorders; much more familiar with benzodiazepines (my current one being diazepam).
Filing this one under Misogyny.

Recently, I mentioned that my gf, A, has been demanding my computer passwords. We don't share computers. She has hers set up the way she wants it and mine is set up the way I want mine. And I want privacy, and I respect her privacy. I don't want someone snooping around in my browser history, my documents, papers, audios, videos, pictures, and other personal files. I set passwrods on my computers -- they are to login once the computer is booted, to check my email, access acounts, acces files and documents, etc.

So, what did my gf do last night? Around 11pm, my gf A__ took a shower and went to bed. Then I took a shower. But I forgot to logout of my computer before I took a shower -- it logs out automatically within 15 mintues or so and locks the screen. But, apparently while i was in the shower, A got out of bed -- she wsa only pretending to sleep, then she went to my computer before it locked and started goig n through my broswer history. --I dont delete the history and until now, I havent' seen a need to LOCK DOWN my computer when it's goign to be out of my sight for more than 10 seconds. -- i didn' thtink she was this disrespectful of my wish for privacy. THen she jumped back into bed before i got out ot the shower and, again, pretended to be asleep when I got out of the bathroom. That's the only time between my shower and this morning that she would have had access to my computer.

I have told her before that snooping won't be tolerated. I value privacy. I know she did this because of waht she did this morning. She described to me a picture that was in one of the threads in the Lounge section of bluelight. -- In that thread, someone had uploaded a nude picture and posted it. A described that picture of the girl in such detail, though I had only glanced at it and not given it mucyh attention, that I knew immediately waht she had seen. She went on adn on about this girl who she has, in her mind, become my secret internet girlfriend. Then she ranted about how she hates porn and how evil she thinks it it and she'll leave me if she finds me looking at it. I dont' have anything against any legal kind of pornography. In fact, I like porn sometimes adn see no harm in it. (ON the other hand, my gf likes plenty of things which I hate, like, for example, cupcakes. And television.) So, not only that, but now, she has seen bluelight and might ahv figured out what it is and that I have an account. That's another thing that's none of her business. I dont' think she hasn't messed with the password, but I think I might ask an admin to nuke my account-- to delete all of my posts and blog entries. I have written of some personal experiences on bluelight which I don't mind sharing in an anonymous forum, but I don't want certain peopel I know in real life learning about the. Or even my participation in a forum of this nature, even though it is harm-reduction. People take things the wrong way. Some peopel even use things against you.

Now I don't know what to do. I told her how I feel -- I feel wronged and violated. Her response was that she has the right to snoop on me and will continue doing it.

What just happened to me reminds me of a story I recently read in a Relationships Advice column. It was about some nosy girlfriend who wsa snooping on her x-bf. She admitted to going through his browser and found that he had an account on a gay sex meeting site. His profile pic was a photo of his penis. Then she read his profile. It was full of graphic descriptions of the sexual practices he was into. Nothing really bizarre or weird. But I can imagine that reading this would horrify a young and relatively sheltered girl, especially when her boyfriend is the one doing it. For exapmle, in it, she said that he said specifically that he likes to suck penises. I think he was into "bare-backing" as well. Also in his account were forum exchanges with other gay or bi- men about meetings he was having for sex. Prior to this, she had no idea he was into men. She claims she was so shocked that she puked while reading it! Whether the greatest source of the shock is that he was cheating on her or that it was with men in high-risk situations, she didnt' say, but it sounded like the latter. And now she is freaking out and worried that she has an STD because she saw that the dates of the account were from the time they were still together.

That story gives me some ideas....
Remember that first leather jacket you had? Once you slide your arms into those sleeves, something changes. You feel invincible, you feel strong, you feel protected.

Yeah, nothing changed but outer accouterments. You're still the same mother fucker but you FEEL different.

That's the feeling I get when I lace up my boots but more. When I strap those polished Doc Martens on and tighten those blue laces, I feel alive. Fuck. I feel like ME.

I've had these boots for almost 22 years. They are still solid. They shine up real nice and the soles... well, they are ORIGINAL Dr. M's... soles like that don't wear.

But, I gotta look deeper into this. These boots, man they take me back to a simpler place. A place where we fought on-on-one or in groups. On occasion we used weapons (NEVER used guns) but our real weapons were our boots.

We were boys playing at being men. But we understood some fuckin' honor. You win some, some you don't. There is ALWAYS another fight to get in for some 'noble' reason or another. Ya take your punches, show off your bruises and respect your 'enemy'.

When we walked, we walked proud and together. We all had the same fuckin' boots. We all had the same fuckin' braces. We all had the same idea that we were something, and we definitely were something. Misunderstood, the media called us racists. Racist? Fuck you! Not us, man. Those other motherfuckers had a more glamorous perspective for the media. They had bald heads too. They had organization too. They hurt the 'undesirables'.

Us? We fought for equality.

It was the late 80's so we didn't experience the working class unity that the skinhead culture was based upon. We came in on the tail end and our purpose wasn't about working class solidarity. Our purpose (and we needed purpose) was to even the fuckin' odds. Our purpose was to keep our name honorable (we couldn't accomplish this one unfortunately).

We were S.H.A.R.P. and those 'nazi' racist motherfuckers were our target. If you fucked with someone based on race, any race, you ended up with boots stomping on you.

We didn't always win. As passionate as we were for our 'cause' those skins that were white-power and 'neo-nazi' kept us as their target as well.

Yin and fucking Yang.

Anyway, this need for identity is compelling.

I wanna feel that invincibility again. I wanna feel that purity of good intentions again. I need to grab on to that identity RIGHT NOW.

My strength may be in my boots for a few months. I'm okay with that because it is something that has identified me as me almost as long as drug use has identified me.

Time to lace those bastards up and strut like a soldier again. Yeah, I hear ya... 'lookit ol' head playing soldier'. Nah. this ain't playing. I need to get that swagger back. I'm going to need it for this fuckin' upcoming battle on the horizon.

This battle with the drugs will need some serious soldier work.

I'll play 'old soldier' for a while just to get through
Within the past year I have experienced some interesting things. Well, interesting to me because it was my experience. Boring and uneventful to others but quite fascinating to my simple mind.

Fascinating because these experiences were from the process of getting clean, accepting reality, facing responsibility, implementing change and relapsing.

What have I learned in the past year?

* Everything is temporary
* Hostility, resentment and fear are my initial responses to the unfamiliar
* Consistency is important.
* Repeating positive actions, consistently will make those actions become habits
* Not everyone is in this for the same reasons
* If i don't get high, it WILL get better. Sooner? Later? Who’s to say? Don’t fuckin’ bail before it does.
* Obsessive thinking causes me pain
* Self-centeredness is a motherfucker
* Just fuckin’ do it otherwise it’ll ruin my day from dwelling on neglecting responsibilities
* I am afraid of many things
* I make impulsive decisions that are horrible for my well being and can be potentially fatal
* Its not all about me
* My life really isn't mine. Believe it or not even if only one person values me, it would be selfish to end my life because of the impact it would have on 'just one'
* I can't use drugs and live a fulfilling life
* I simply do not like who I am
* Service to others is very likely to be the single most effective way to getting better added 09/19/10 4:00pm
Still alive and kicking. Been busy around here with lots of stuff and haven't felt compelled to do much online. I am on Facebook alot, so I guess if anyone wants to add me it would be fine since I have been pretty neglectful to this site lately.

Going a little stir crazy ATM but nothing major going on.

Can't think of much to write right now, so maybe I'll write something when I do.

Hope everyone is good. :\ <3
Clinton has signed a bill passed by Congress that orders the states to adopt new, more onerous drunk-driving standards or face a loss of highway funds. That’s right: the old highway extortion trick. Sure enough, states are already working to pass new, tighter laws against Driving Under the Influence, responding as expected to the feds’ ransom note.

Now the feds declare that a blood-alcohol level of 0.08 percent and above is criminal and must be severely punished. The National Restaurant Association is exactly right that this is absurdly low. The overwhelming majority of accidents related to drunk driving involve repeat offenders with blood-alcohol levels twice that high. If a standard of 0.1 doesn’t deter them, then a lower one won’t either.

But there’s a more fundamental point. What precisely is being criminalized? Not bad driving. Not destruction of property. Not the taking of human life or reckless endangerment. The crime is having the wrong substance in your blood. Yet it is possible, in fact, to have this substance in your blood, even while driving, and not commit anything like what has been traditionally called a crime.

What have we done by permitting government to criminalize the content of our blood instead of actions themselves? We have given it power to make the application of the law arbitrary, capricious, and contingent on the judgment of cops and cop technicians. Indeed, without the government’s "Breathalyzer," there is no way to tell for sure if we are breaking the law.

Sure, we can do informal calculations in our head, based on our weight and the amount of alcohol we have had over some period of time. But at best these will be estimates. We have to wait for the government to administer a test to tell us whether or not we are criminals. That’s not the way law is supposed to work. Indeed, this is a form of tyranny.

Now, the immediate response goes this way: drunk driving has to be illegal because the probability of causing an accident rises dramatically when you drink. The answer is just as simple: government in a free society should not deal in probabilities. The law should deal in actions and actions alone, and only insofar as they damage person or property. Probabilities are something for insurance companies to assess on a competitive and voluntary basis.

This is why the campaign against "racial profiling" has intuitive plausibility to many people: surely a person shouldn’t be hounded solely because some demographic groups have higher crime rates than others. Government should be preventing and punishing crimes themselves, not probabilities and propensities. Neither, then, should we have driver profiling, which assumes that just because a person has quaffed a few he is automatically a danger.

In fact, driver profiling is worse than racial profiling, because the latter only implies that the police are more watchful, not that they criminalize race itself. Despite the propaganda, what’s being criminalized in the case of drunk driving is not the probability that a person driving will get into an accident but the fact of the blood-alcohol content itself. A drunk driver is humiliated and destroyed even when he hasn’t done any harm.

Of course, enforcement is a serious problem. A sizeable number of people leaving a bar or a restaurant would probably qualify as DUI. But there is no way for the police to know unless they are tipped off by a swerving car or reckless driving in general. But the question becomes: why not ticket the swerving or recklessness and leave the alcohol out of it? Why indeed.

To underscore the fact that it is some level of drinking that is being criminalized, government sets up these outrageous, civil-liberties-violating barricades that stop people to check their blood – even when they have done nothing at all. This is a gross attack on liberty that implies that the government has and should have total control over us, extending even to the testing of intimate biological facts. But somehow we put up with it because we have conceded the first assumption that government ought to punish us for the content of our blood and not just our actions.

There are many factors that cause a person to drive poorly. You may have sore muscles after a weight-lifting session and have slow reactions. You could be sleepy. You could be in a bad mood, or angry after a fight with your spouse. Should the government be allowed to administer anger tests, tiredness tests, or soreness tests? That is the very next step, and don’t be surprised when Congress starts to examine this question.

Already, there’s a move on to prohibit cell phone use while driving. Such an absurdity follows from the idea that government should make judgments about what we are allegedly likely to do.

What’s more, some people drive more safely after a few drinks, precisely because they know their reaction time has been slowed and they must pay more attention to safety. We all know drunks who have an amazing ability to drive perfectly after being liquored up. They should be liberated from the force of the law, and only punished if they actually do something wrong.

We need to put a stop to this whole trend now. Drunk driving should be legalized. And please don’t write me to say: "I am offended by your insensitivity because my mother was killed by a drunk driver." Any person responsible for killing someone else is guilty of manslaughter or murder and should be punished accordingly. But it is perverse to punish a murderer not because of his crime but because of some biological consideration, e.g. he has red hair.

Bank robbers may tend to wear masks, but the crime they commit has nothing to do with the mask. In the same way, drunk drivers cause accidents but so do sober drivers, and many drunk drivers cause no accidents at all. The law should focus on violations of person and property, not scientific oddities like blood content.

There’s a final point against Clinton’s drunk-driving bill. It is a violation of states rights. Not only is there is no warrant in the Constitution for the federal government to legislate blood-alcohol content – the 10th amendment should prevent it from doing so. The question of drunk driving should first be returned to the states, and then each state should liberate drunk drivers from the force of the law.

November 3, 2000

Llewellyn H. Rockwell, Jr. , former publications editor to Ludwig von Mises and congressional chief of staff to Ron Paul, is founder and chairman of the Mises Institute, executor for the estate of Murray N. Rothbard, and editor of LewRockwell.com. See his books.

Copyright © 2000 by LewRockwell.com. Permission to reprint in whole or in part is gladly granted, provided full credit is given.
Survey #1


Hi, my name is

Tanya T.

Never in my life have I been:

Married

The one person who can drive me nuts is:

Mom

High school was:

LOL Totally 80's!

When I'm nervous:

I'm constantly moving, more than usual anyway.

The last time I cried was:

Can't remember. A few weeks maybe.

If I were to get married right now my maid of honor would be:

Shit good question. My friend Linda maybe....



My hair is:

Straight.

When I was 10:

I HATED having the looks, height, & hormones of a fucking 16 y/o, yet forced to act & admit my real age around my parents. I HATED being forced to go to movies with my parents because they insisted upon paying the under 12 price--& the clerk would draw a shitload of attention and shame to me saying dumb shit like,"YOU'RE REALLY ONLY 10 YEARS OLD?" My parents were insensitive fucks when it came to that.

Last Christmas:

It was ok.

I should be:

Making more money.

When I look down I see:

My feet whereas before all I saw was FAT.

The happiest recent event was:

Gathering at suite for 3 days with my friends Aimee, Linda, & assorted fiends.

If I were a character on 'That 70's Show' I'd be:

I have no clue. I never saw that show.

By this time next year:

I'll be almost 4 fucking 7 years old haha!

My current gripe is:

Not enough money. I want Mom off my case.

I have a hard time understanding:

Why Mom is so insistent about charging me so much money.

There's this girl I know that:

Is a very unhappy heroin addict.

You know I like you when:

I put up with you in my home for 2 days in a row & I'm not yet sick of you.

If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be:

Depending on where I was or who I was with at the time. If I was hanging at Linda's pad it would be them. If at home, I guess it would be Mom.

Take my advice:

When you're young & maybe 10-15 lbs overweight that is NOTHING compared to being 80 lbs overweight which is REALLY fat. Trust me you're only as ugly or as beautiful as you think you are.

Something that I really want to buy is:


A laptop & more memory for this home pc.




If you visited the place I was born:

Pasadena Playhouse comes to mind lol. You'd probably appreciate the old spanish style archeitechture.

I plan to visit:

Australia maybe where some on line friends live & Vancouver Canada, maybe even get Ibogaine & try the detox in a motel room.

If you spend the night at my house:

We'd have fun writing music & lyrics, eating sweets, probably getting loaded on speed.

I'd stop my wedding if:

My Mother died.

The world could do without:

Greed, haters, & poverty.

I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than:

Sorry, don't swallow cum so I guess that's it.

Most recent thing I've bought myself:

A wedding dress at a thrift store.

Most recent thing someone else bought me:

Food probably.

My favorite blonde is:

Don't have a favorite.

My favorite brunette is:

Don't have a favorite.

My favorite redhead is:

Don't have a favorite.

My middle name is:

Marie

This morning I:

Woke up & took it easy.

The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are:

None.

Once, at a bar:

I sang penis songs with a bunch of gay guys at a gay bar.

Last night I was:

Shooting dope, kicking back, relaxing after working 5 nights.

There's this guy I know who:

Tends to be a pain in the ass, obnoxious drunk because he gets way too loud.

I don't know:

A whole lot about organic chemistry.

A better name for me would be:

Crystal Hyde


Tomorrow I am:

Working.

Tonight I am:

Working.

My birthday is:

October 4

What I really wanted for Valentine's Day was:

I don't want or expect anything, but it is nice when I get a card.

I can sing:

Either totally on or totally off key.

I like a guy named:

Erik.

My best friend's name:

Not sure if I really have a best friend, just a few that I like a lot.

Now you copy and paste!!!




9/9/2010
Survey 2

Do you have the guts take this survey?

Apparently I do since I’m taking it.


Would you do meth if it was legalized?

You’re joking right? The answer is obviously yes.


Abortion: for or against it?

It should be legal because women should have control over their bodie, not vice versa, although only as a last resort as opposed to being used as a form of birth control.

Do you think the world would fail with a female president?


That depends on which female you’re talking about.

Do you believe in the death penalty?


I used to be, however since I know from personal experience the horror of being charged with a crime I did not commit, & had it not been for the fact Mom lent me the money to pay for an excellent criminal defense attorney to prove I wasn’t guilty, I am absolutely opposed to the death penalty. Sometimes people are wrongly accused & then what? Go to the person’s grave site and say “I take it back? So sorry, we the state unkill you?”



Do you wish marijuana would be legalized already?

It practically is, but yeah sure why not providing the same laws be applied to it as alcohol.

Are you for or against premarital sex?


Haha. I guess I’d have to be for it since I’ve never been married & don’t ever plan on getting married. I do wish, however, sex wasn’t expected these days after only several dates—or sooner.


Do you believe in God?

Yes

Do you think same sex marriage should be legalized?

Absolutely


Do you think it's wrong that so many Hispanics are illegally moving to the country?

Sigh. I can hardly blame them for wanting a less fucked up life in extreme poverty.

A twelve year old girl has a baby, should she keep it?

I don’t think a 12 year old should be getting pregnant in the first place & for the most part, NO! Not unless she has a very supportive family with parents that are willing to raise the child as her sibling, A twelve year old is hardly going to have good parenting skills, without the help of constant more experienced mothers to supervise.

Should the alcohol age be lowered to eighteen?

No


Should the war in Iraq be called off?

I think so, unless they waged war on us or we are forced to defend ourselves from a hostile take over.

Assisted suicide is illegal: do you agree?


No, but there better be some documentation or video to prove that it really is consensual assisted suicide in order to prevent murder.


Do you believe in spanking children?

Only as a last resort & never in front of other people, as that is degrading to the child.
Would you burn an American flag for a million dollars?

As badly as I need money now, I could think of worse things to do for money, so yes.

Who do you think would be a better president:
I have no idea. There’s no telling what someone else will or will not do until put in that position.


Do you think Obama will be killed?

Probably not.

Should child predators be forced to wear signs identifying themselves ?

No for the same reason I’m not in favor of the death penalty. I know this guy that got accused of indecent exposure, and labeled a damned kiddie pervert, when I knew for a fact that he was NOT.He was high, goofing off & did a stupid thing by flashing some under aged chicks when they walked up to his car and asked him for money, which he gave them for nothing, but flashed his unit at them cause he was high. Years ago I did some of the same stupid shit, except they were guys that looked like men (not boys.) Men tend

not to call the cops on female flashers, but women and girls is a whole other story. My friend went through all sorts of hell for a real stupid mistake & had to be in a class with a bunch of other perverts. I know for a fact that my friend is gay & would not want anything to do with women or girls, only guys for sex. Still, anyone accused of molesting a child is always somehow automatically guilty unless proven innocent, & even then people make up their minds without even knowing the facts, so NO. When you’ve been accused of a crime you didn’t commit, you’ll definitely understand why I feel this way. At least give people the benefit of the doubt.

Are you afraid others will judge you from reading some of your answers?

I could give a rat’s ass if they judge me or not.

Dear ________________,



____ 1) It's been fun, but I want to see other people

____ 2) You suck in bed.

____ 3) I want to explore new things and meet new people

____ 4) I've seen Professional Wrestlers more sensitive than you

____ 5) You're a loser

____ 7) You're too sensitive, stop whining already

____ 8) I have to break up with you because I slept with your best friend/ dog/ sister/ neighbor

____ 9) It's not you, it's me. I'm a double agent and have to rescue the President

____ 10) I'm actually not straight / gay, fooled you!

____ 11) We can't have sex because I keep thinking about your mother/father/best friend/ cow/ next door neighbor

____ 12) Your stubborn refusal to not flush the toilet / shave / masturbate / kick helpless animals is just too much

____ 13) I'm prejudiced against _________, so this isn't going to work.

____ 14) You were so awful I'm joining a seminary / practicing celibacy forever

____ 15) I now hate men / women because of you

____ 16) You told my parents we do it like monkeys and they won't let me see you now

____ 17) You're fucking cheap, I don't want much, but c'mon!

____ 18) I have to leave, I pissed off the mob / government / terrorists / rap musicians

____ 19) You're leaving to college / the military / prison, I don't feel like waiting

____ 20) I've been indicted for War Crimes

____ 21) He / She is much better looking than you

____ 22) This sleazy guy /girl convinced me you're a waste of my time and I'm going to hook up with them

____ 23) I've seen fourth graders smarter than your friends, at least the fourth graders can color in the lines and spell college correctly

____ 24) You are from ________, nuff said

____ 25) I love my cat / dog / sex slave more and you're allergic to them

____ 26) I was blind when we started dating but now that my sight is back, eeeeewwww

____ 27) I'm shallow and want a guy / girl with lots of money

____ 28) I would rather make out with an electrical socket

____ 29) You're standing in the way of my dream job: Professional Polar Bear Kick Boxing champion.​


Sincerely,

______________________
They are not long, the weeping and the laughter,
... Love and desire and hate;
I think they have no portion in us after
... We pass the gate.

They are not long, the days of wine and roses:
... Out of a misty dream
Our path emerges for a while
... Then closes
Within a dream.



~ Ernest Dowson......
1. How did you meet your husband and how old were you? we met in high school, and i was 17

2. Was it love at first sight? no, i thought he was obnoxious

3. How did you know you were supossed to marry him? umm, it felt right i guess

4. What was the first date like? we went to see the 9th gate and i think hung out my parents' house

5. Where did your first kiss take place? my car in his parents' driveway

6. Dating... local or long distance? both. we began dating in high school, went to two different colleges, i transferred to be with him, live separately for awhile, moved in together, he went back to school, i moved cross country, we got married and i moved back

7. Do you know everything there is to know about your husband? nah, that would be silly

8. Were your parents supportive of you when you started dating? i was a jr in high school, i don't think they thought much of it. they were not thrilled when we moved in together.

9. Did you wait till marriage to have sex? that would have been a very long 10 yrs if we did

10. How long was it till you got engaged after you started dating? 9 years, almost to the day

11. Long or short engagement? slightly over a year, we got engaged in june and decided to get married labor day of the next year

12. Did you write your own vows? no, we used a random bit of vows given to us by the marriage officiant

13. What was one of the things that attracted you to your husband? his confidence and sense of humor

14. Do you believe he is your soulmate? i agree with what ocean, people can have many soul mates. he is one of them

15. Are you happy that you married him? for the most part


Facts:

1. Place your husband was born and date? MD about week and half ago

2. Favorite movie? rocketeer

3. Occupation? consultant

4. What is one of his favorite things to do on the weekends? go out with friends, watch football, drink, relax

5. What was his first thought of you when you first met? he prolly wondered if i was really that good at speaking french

6. Does he snore at night while sleeping? occasionally. i kick when he does

7. What about farting in his sleep? not to my knowledge. tho i would kick him if he did.

8. If you could go one place with him anywhere in the world where would that be? i suppose seattle is the obvious answer, so i will say mexico

9. How often do you have sex? enough :)

10. Is he the best thing that ever happend to you?&#65279; one of <3
'We faced two choices: either we suffered the pain of withdrawal or took more drugs'
--Basic Text, Sixth Edition p25

Its as simple as that.

How long can one delay the inevitable? The longer I delay, the more damage I incur. Someday I'll learn to accept the simple realities of life.
Today, was one fucking insane day. I started the day off by taking a 3 hits of Acid that I recently purchased at a local "Hippie Fest". After about 30 minutes I decided to walk to my best-friend's house. I get to his house and knock on the door and his girlfriend answers and tells me to be really quiet. She says that my friend has been going crazy all day and he's finally asleep. I asked her why, and she said that he went overboard with drugs today. He took 2 pure perc 30's, 2 xanax bars, drank 8 beers, took a hit of acid, smoked a blunt with crystal meth, and took a 2 k-pins. I immediately ran up stairs thinking he was dead. 8o I shook him pretty hard and after about 5 mins he finally woke up, and the look on his face is something I will never forget, he honestly looked like a zombie. He started freaking out 8o and saying he doesn't know who I am or where he's at. He couldn't even tell me who he was at that point. I calmed him down after about 15 mins and I let him go back to sleep. About 5 hours later he woke up and came down stairs and he had no memory of anything that happened last night or 5 hours ago. He still looked pretty sick when I left but he seemed stable enough to be by himself. I'm still wondering how he even survived such a combination of drugs? :?
This has always been difficult for me but I need to get past it.

I compare myself to who I was when I was clean and reasonably happy and I see a person who has given up.

I NEED help getting back to a non-zombie existence. But who am I? There are otherts in much more pain than I who apply effort to getting better.

I need help not fantasing/pursuing my own death. I've been reckless in very unssafe manners

I realize that I need to help myself before I can adk others to guide me with perspective. I need to cry openly in front of a true friend

I get paid on tuesday and I suspect I may over do things to a certain finality

Can someoine help me? I still feel I have potential for good but it seems so hard to get back to beiing a decent person

Weak, cowardly and consumed with seld
So after sometime of leisure reading various philosophers, I've now, finally started my first philosophy course. I had dropped my biology class and took philosophy in it's place. I talked to my teacher and he sized me up, seemed like he had little faith as to how well I was going to do; but It's my duty to prove him wrong. When I was handed the first assignment, it was a thing, two paged piece of paper with a list of various introductory questions I.E "what philosophical questions do you ask yourself?" "why is philosophy important?" got those down no sweat. As I progressed into it a little more, I had to analyze the 4 Socratic methods of philosophy. Took me a while to finish, but I got it done. Even further I had to talk about Marcel's "problem and mystery" and how people react to such a thing. After 30 cigarettes and 100 Grateful Dead songs, I wrote this:


"Marcel sees a problem as something is placed “before” the viewer, which is external to the viewer’s mind perceiving it, and is an outside, foreign object, which has never undergone an analysis to the individual. Once the externalized object is first perceived, it carries a distortion; but when a further inquiry, and careful analysis is made, the object will always yield a logical result. The problem can be viewed by various parties, and through the analysis of more than one party viewing the same problem, a validification can be given. Finally, the problem is a product of curiosity, and once the validification is given, the yielded result will expand on knowledge, and experience in the individual. For example, an external problem could be “do all objects have the same mass?” We can see that if we pick up a book, it can be lifted without any problem, but if we were to try and pick up a rock, the rock would easily be heavier. We can see that the rock is heavier than the book; therefore all objects do not have the same mass.
Marcel defines a mystery as something which is a concrete part of the self, and carries no objectivity; the mystery is “in the viewer”, as opposed to “before the viewer”. A mystery cannot be defined by using a thorough analysis of external objects because mysteries are entirely subjective problems, and since the mystery is not an object of externalization, it is completely intangible. Due to the subjective, intangible nature of the mystery, the viewer can only use his own intuition to solve, and find the problem; there can be no widespread view with regards to the mystery, and no validity can be given, the mystery is independent of externals. The viewer will turn to “second reflection” to solve the phenomena, and with this the viewer will see the problem within his own consciousness, and try to solve the problem within the realm of the self. An example of a mystery is the nature of language, and communication and how they answer questions beyond the realm of human perception. Language and communication cannot give fulfilling answers to intuitive problems, since all language has limits and can only be explained insofar as words allow them to. If a person asks “does a God exist?” the problem can only be answered through language and communication, which relies on a logical method to explain a metaphysical problem. The question stems from intuition, and has difficulty being answered through a logical method. Many people have tried to use language to explain this mystery, but people are still asking the same question over and over again because the language has limits within the realm of human experience, and a metaphysical problem is transcendental; so using a human based structure to answer an intuitive, transcendental problem can be a very difficult task.
The subjective perplexity of the mystery leads people to find an explanation; this could lead someone to philosophy. For example, someone could say a basic question such as “do I exist?” this is a mystery, but is independent of logic. The sciences or mathematics could point to answers for this question, but does not give a satisfactory answer. The person will begin looking elsewhere for the answer, they will either depend on religion, or philosophers to, not answer the question per se, but give insight with regards to the problem. But this isn’t always so, they might not turn to either philosophers, or religion, but will follow their own intuition and ask their own philosophical questions and give themselves answers.
To conclude, when a physical, logical, “before us” problem is solved, it will expand the individual’s knowledge of externals. The result will be more practical to fitting into the structure of the natural world; on the other hand, someone who studies philosophy will have a more spiritual, self fulfillment. A problem can be solved through logic, a mystery relies independent of logic and solely on the individual, and thus will always be with them for years and years. The study of philosophy, looking for answers to these mysteries will benefit someone in a way that logic cannot, and when someone studies logic and external problems, they will get a more practical fulfillment."

As well as various other questions, but do not rely on such an analysis so far. I will keep this blog updated from time to time to tell everyone who reads how this course is coming along. :p
I hate Pan. I hate him. I HATE HIM. I hate his drugs, I hate his influence, I hate his semi-psychotic intellectual diatribes, I hate his dependence, I hate his beauty, I hate him.
Except that I don't. Everything I hate about him, I don't. Those are the things I love about him. And that is exactly why I hate them.
I could have had some semblance of normality and faith and sobriety in my life, but I preferred him.He had a certain carefree, I-don't give-a-shit attitude, combined with his fucked up wounded brand of beauty, that just drew me in.
He is there for me to fuck, snuggle, or just converse with. And the conversations are fantastic. He is one of few people I can in fact respect as my equal, in terms of intelligence, and we know that neither of us can really say anything which would offend the other no matter what. We swing wildly and with no discernible segues from intellectual discourse to philosophy to mushy earnestness to juvenile dick jokes to applying the former three to the latter. They're silly and deep and meaningful and stupid and nonsense and worldly and incoherent all at once.
He makes everything seem okay. It seems to be his purpose in my life, to be my "make life okay" guy. If I had a bad day, he holds me and talks me through it. If I'm lonely, he shares his bed and his body. If my head hurts, he rubs it. If I feel unloved, his words and actions show me otherwise. Anything I need, he is there to provide. Everything except stability. Except normality. Except sobriety.
But he is there with warmth and comfort and love.
Maybe that is enough.
Does anyone how many units of water I should be useing to cook heroin (east cost powder) i have been told the less water you use the stronger the head rush right now im adding about 40cc
My girlfriend, known by many on Bluelight as drug_wench, recently asked me to marry her and of course I accepted! This is actually the second time we've been engaged... last time we were both using meth pretty heavily and battling mental and physical health issues, so it ultimately didn't work out, and we separated for a few months.

But now we've been back together for about 5 months, and this time we are both in a much better situation. We've been off meth for a couple of months, and we are learning to deal with our health issues. Our relationship is much more stable. We haven't yet set a date for our "civil union" (New Zealand's version of same-sex marriage), but we will when the time is right. Life can be a struggle at times, but knowing I have a future with the person I love always brings me happiness. <3
I'm not in anyway going to try and preach about the 12 step programs, I had been trying to get my shit together in the rooms for a lot of years. I was one of the people that sat in back and drank coffee normally before I'd fall asleep. I always felt guilty when I did that and completely missed the meeting, than next thing you know there is someone you don't know shaking your shoulder and smiling that damn understanding and down right heart breaking smile at me.
They just kept telling me to come back and for the longest time my (non-voiced) answer was fuck you, I don't need any of you.
Umm guess I do at least have my toes in the preaching mode today. Eh I'm getting tired of hearing myself. I had a point when I started writing got a tad off track..
My point was that this time around a few rare people in the meetins help more than sitting and listening for the entire time.
One of the other big things that have and are helping me are places where I can just vent and sometimes even be understood. This site has been a huge help to me and I really want to be able to give back in any way for all of the help and support that I have gotten here.
I pretty much just wanted to blurt that shit out and now that I have there is a bit less stress on my back.
Okay yeah thanks guys

=D
hungry, there's some food, but not knowing where more will come from keeps me walking in circles from the couch to the kitchen, reaching out to grab something but pulling my hand back each time and walking away.

Spent a couple dollars I shouldn't have on a beer... put twenty on my card for my dad because he's been bleeding internally and falling over a lot.. his insurance ran up the day it started. The red cross people give you juice and cookies so I bought him some Oreos and apple juice.. and some poweraid but he said he hates that stuff.. then he threw the apple juice across the room along with the news paper and his glasses saying he wishes he would just bleed out.

his car died today too

I need to keep reading.. I'm slow.. maybe the beer will help me block out life and focus on the future and keep reading these books.. it's weird reading these text books, abnormal and developmental psychology, it's like oh, that's what happened to me.
First I was attacked by a resident who lives in my house and he then stole my methadone. It was 60mg and he could have killed himself. Next thing I know he's been in my room and stole some sleeping pills I had. He's really going to kill himself if he's not careful. He's the most selfish fuckwit I have ever known. I was looking forward to taking the diph myself. I refuse to be held responsible for him damaging his own health through being so selfish and reckless.

I phoned the police and the landlord took the phone from me and told them she was going to deal with it. Now the police won't let me press charges, because apparently the landlord is going to handle it. All she's done is have a quiet word with him. This is the second time he's attacked me now. What a crock of shit.
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