You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an alternative browser.
You should upgrade or use an alternative browser.
Blogs
Filters
Show only:
Loading…
Hi, my name is:Ocean
Never in my life have I been: normal
The one person who can drive me nuts is:My husband, better than anyone b/c I love him so much.....
High school was: insane and more adult than it should have been
When I'm nervous: I fidget
The last time I cried was: Yesterday.
I had a freak out in the middle of an argument with my husband.
If I were to get married right now my maid of honor would be:
I am but if we were to remarry, it would be my best friend who refused to come to my wedding the first time.
My hair is: dyed
When I was 10:
I had my first psychic experience
Last Christmas: was mild but nice- spent with my in laws.
I should be: having a career or in school or something important.
When I look down I see:my hands
The happiest recent event was: My brother in law coming to visit
If I were a character on 'That 70's Show' I'd be: no clue.
By this time next year:
I hope to be in a better place but still living in this house.
My current gripe is: money.
I have a hard time understanding: religious nuts
There's this girl I know that: deserves better than she has
You know I like you when: I tell you
If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: My husband
Take my advice: Try not to take the daily annoyances so seriously. They aren't worth it.
Something that I really want to buy is: A Volvo Cross Country
If you visited the place I was born: You might be disappointed or you might drive to NYC b/c it is close and better than where I was born.
I plan to visit: Nowhere atm
If you spend the night at my house:
We'd eat, talk about random fun things, take pictures and go on a hike before dinner.....maybe lay in the yard and look at the stars, pick fruit the next morning for breakfast and spend the day at the beach.
I'd stop my wedding if:
someone died- but I'm already married, so.....
The world could do without:
Hypocritical people, ignorance and prejudice
I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: look at a mouse
Most recent thing I've bought myself:
A Cherry Jet Tea
Most recent thing someone else bought me: A Cherry Jet Tea :D
My favorite blonde is: Alexander Skarsgard
My favorite brunette is: Kristen Stewart, Rachel McAdams or Helena Bonham Carter
i
My favorite redhead is: hard to choose- Julienne Moore, Florence Welch, Geri Halliwell or Rachel Lefevre
Why is there no black hair?!?!
My middle name is:Don't have one.
This morning I: hung out with my brother in law
The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are: none.
Once, at a bar: I got so trashed .........when I got home I started passing out with my pants half off and my husband got pissed but put me in my pj's and tucked me into bed.
Last night I was: stuffing my face with beef stew
There's this guy I know who: I'm worried about....he recently lost his best friend and there are no words to make him feel better......
I don't know: what I should go to school for or if I will.
A better name for me would be: I don't know....what do you think? What name do I look or act like?
Tomorrow I am: Hopefully gonna have a relaxing day
Tonight I am: on BL while my hubby and b-i-law watch movies.
My birthday is: the end of January (Aquarius)
What I really wanted for Valentine's Day was: Chocolates and flowers
I can sing: loud
I like a guy named: Panic in Paradise
My best friend's name: Frances
Now you copy and paste!!!
Never in my life have I been: normal
The one person who can drive me nuts is:My husband, better than anyone b/c I love him so much.....
High school was: insane and more adult than it should have been
When I'm nervous: I fidget
The last time I cried was: Yesterday.
I had a freak out in the middle of an argument with my husband.
If I were to get married right now my maid of honor would be:
I am but if we were to remarry, it would be my best friend who refused to come to my wedding the first time.
My hair is: dyed
When I was 10:
I had my first psychic experience
Last Christmas: was mild but nice- spent with my in laws.
I should be: having a career or in school or something important.
When I look down I see:my hands
The happiest recent event was: My brother in law coming to visit
If I were a character on 'That 70's Show' I'd be: no clue.
By this time next year:
I hope to be in a better place but still living in this house.
My current gripe is: money.
I have a hard time understanding: religious nuts
There's this girl I know that: deserves better than she has
You know I like you when: I tell you
If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: My husband
Take my advice: Try not to take the daily annoyances so seriously. They aren't worth it.
Something that I really want to buy is: A Volvo Cross Country
If you visited the place I was born: You might be disappointed or you might drive to NYC b/c it is close and better than where I was born.
I plan to visit: Nowhere atm
If you spend the night at my house:
We'd eat, talk about random fun things, take pictures and go on a hike before dinner.....maybe lay in the yard and look at the stars, pick fruit the next morning for breakfast and spend the day at the beach.
I'd stop my wedding if:
someone died- but I'm already married, so.....
The world could do without:
Hypocritical people, ignorance and prejudice
I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: look at a mouse
Most recent thing I've bought myself:
A Cherry Jet Tea
Most recent thing someone else bought me: A Cherry Jet Tea :D
My favorite blonde is: Alexander Skarsgard
My favorite brunette is: Kristen Stewart, Rachel McAdams or Helena Bonham Carter
i
My favorite redhead is: hard to choose- Julienne Moore, Florence Welch, Geri Halliwell or Rachel Lefevre
Why is there no black hair?!?!
My middle name is:Don't have one.
This morning I: hung out with my brother in law
The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are: none.
Once, at a bar: I got so trashed .........when I got home I started passing out with my pants half off and my husband got pissed but put me in my pj's and tucked me into bed.
Last night I was: stuffing my face with beef stew
There's this guy I know who: I'm worried about....he recently lost his best friend and there are no words to make him feel better......
I don't know: what I should go to school for or if I will.
A better name for me would be: I don't know....what do you think? What name do I look or act like?
Tomorrow I am: Hopefully gonna have a relaxing day
Tonight I am: on BL while my hubby and b-i-law watch movies.
My birthday is: the end of January (Aquarius)
What I really wanted for Valentine's Day was: Chocolates and flowers
I can sing: loud
I like a guy named: Panic in Paradise
My best friend's name: Frances
Now you copy and paste!!!
Do you have the guts take this survey? Duh.
Would you do meth if it was legalized? No.
Abortion: for or against it? Pro-choice.
Do you think the world would fail with a female president? Absolutely not, but not Sarah Palin!
Do you believe in the death penalty? Not under any circumstance.
Do you wish marijuana would be legalized already? Not if it's going to become a for-profit enterprise. MMJ? Yes.
Are you for or against premarital sex? Only if you're planning on getting married (quote from my friend)
Do you believe in God? I am secular humanist.
Do you think same sex marriage should be legalized? Absolutely.
Do you think it's wrong that so many Hispanics are illegally moving to the country? If for asylum purposes, no. Otherwise, people of any color or race should go through the legal migration process.
A twelve year old girl has a baby, should she keep it? No.
Should the alcohol age be lowered to eighteen? No.
Should the war in Iraq be called off? It has been, allegedly.
Assisted suicide is illegal: do you agree?
It is not in my present state of semi-residence. I don't vote here. I do believe in euthanasia when administered to a lucid patient with the approval of non-corrupt doctors.
Do you believe in spanking children?No.
Would you burn an American flag for a million dollars? Yep.
Who do you think would be a better president: McCain or Obama? Obama.
Do you think Obama will be killed? Debatable.
Should child predators be forced to wear signs identifying themselves ? No. They should be placed on a registry.
Are you afraid others will judge you from reading some of your answers? No.
Would you do meth if it was legalized? No.
Abortion: for or against it? Pro-choice.
Do you think the world would fail with a female president? Absolutely not, but not Sarah Palin!
Do you believe in the death penalty? Not under any circumstance.
Do you wish marijuana would be legalized already? Not if it's going to become a for-profit enterprise. MMJ? Yes.
Are you for or against premarital sex? Only if you're planning on getting married (quote from my friend)
Do you believe in God? I am secular humanist.
Do you think same sex marriage should be legalized? Absolutely.
Do you think it's wrong that so many Hispanics are illegally moving to the country? If for asylum purposes, no. Otherwise, people of any color or race should go through the legal migration process.
A twelve year old girl has a baby, should she keep it? No.
Should the alcohol age be lowered to eighteen? No.
Should the war in Iraq be called off? It has been, allegedly.
Assisted suicide is illegal: do you agree?
It is not in my present state of semi-residence. I don't vote here. I do believe in euthanasia when administered to a lucid patient with the approval of non-corrupt doctors.
Do you believe in spanking children?No.
Would you burn an American flag for a million dollars? Yep.
Who do you think would be a better president: McCain or Obama? Obama.
Do you think Obama will be killed? Debatable.
Should child predators be forced to wear signs identifying themselves ? No. They should be placed on a registry.
Are you afraid others will judge you from reading some of your answers? No.
1753: Professor Georg Wilhelm Richmann, of Saint Petersburg, Russia, became the first recorded person to be killed while performing electrical experiments when he was struck and killed by a globe of ball lightning.[36]
or
1967: Cosmonaut Vladimir Komarov became the first person to die during a space mission after the parachute of his capsule failed to deploy following re-entry. [83]
or
1967: Cosmonaut Vladimir Komarov became the first person to die during a space mission after the parachute of his capsule failed to deploy following re-entry. [83]
Ive actually taken down a few entries on paper during the day while I've been bored, during the time I was staying at my friend Tara's doing my...ohhhh 10000000th (?) detox off methamphetamine (some names in this blog are changed - these r ppl who might possibly go on BL, or who might b known by ppl who go on BL, as r the names of gangs i mention....I dont want to be killed, these gangs really do have ppl in them who know who I am....the beauty is, I'm not going to mention if said person is an alias or not so its your guess)
Anyway first entry - 3 days clean (unless were actually counting methadone/valium.....marijuana/alcohol? no....were not, my problem is meth....and opioids when im not on methadone....which is technically an opioid but u know wat i mean....), staying in henderson, auckland, at friends flat
I tribute these first few entries to Nikki Sixxs 'Heroin Diaries' - after all, when i was detoxing, i never really expected to publish them (even on BL) either.....i relate a lot to Nikki.....except hes clean now. everythings gotta b over the top....its all or nothing. thats me - heres to u Nikki (even though i think motley crue played catshit compared to iron maiden
)
anyway one chapter of that book was called 'You Could Say I Had A Love Affair With A 10cc Needle' (or something to that effect)
if i was to copy Sixx, this blog would be called 'The Methamphetamine Diaries'.....and this chapter wud b 'A Love Affair With A 3ml Syringe....And A Big Crack Pipe' (NB. if u dont come from NZ, we call crystal methamphetamine 'P' or 'crack' here.....u might find that stupid, but hey its not like u ever really see crack cocaine here, and if u do, u call it 'freebase' cos it was probly cooked by u.......yes ive tried crack cocaine....but it was *cough* from overseas, and yes it was fucking amazing......maybe too amazing).
Not that I don't like heroin. Don't get me wrong. I luv it. So much I'm now on methadone everyday. I luv drugs altogether. I luv being out of it. Coke, E, booze, hash. All ace.
But P is something else. When I see that fine crystal all settled in the pipe and were sitting in a group (that group these days mainly just me, Leon, Andrew, Adam, Chris and May.....the only crackheads I know as....sick....as me) and Mays firing up (May thinks shes better than us cos shes the daughter of some prominent asshole in NZ *job of that asshole disclosed or too obvious - even though shes disowned her dad) I'm smiling at everyone benignly.....everyone is.....but u can see the jitters in all of us. I am a mess inside. I'm sweaty, shaky, emotional.......but I keep that patient smile. I'm getting good at this. I don't like looking like a fiending methhead. Who does????
Inside I'm thinking 'come on May - just give it - why do you ALWAYS have to start???' (probably cos she usually provides the gear). My head spins. I no longer want P. I need it.
None of us are true friends deep down. Well we've all been in and out of bed together....but does that constitute friendship? We no longer fuck though. May and Chris are a couple.....when I was living with Leon we had a twisted sort of relationship.....but now our whole groups bond is formed on that elusive creeping vapour drifting out the top of that glass pipe.
Give me a choice between one of the old days with May (during the period both of us were going to NA and were clean apart from the odd drink) where we'd float in her spa then poke fun at her brother while raiding the alcohol cabinet for bollinger, at her dads mansion, then go out shopping and come back to her flat, laden down with CDs and clothes, giggling over boys and gossip and the normal things non-methheads talk about, or give me the other choice of activity that involves my so-called best friend.....and I'd still choose the second choice, even though I'm choosing to do this detox. Half of me wants to recover.....the other is too scared to live life without P again....to leave Mays group behind. Why? I can't answer that!
May isn't my best friend anyway. My best friend lives in another town.....we've never met face-to-face, but shes another BLer. She kind of puts May to shame.
May used to be my best friend until methamphetamine took her over though.
Why do I love methamphetamine? It's actually more like a lover than a best friend tbh. Why? Look at what it's done to me!
I'm recovering from P-induced septicemia.
I'm covered in trackmarks, have bad teeth and an even worse urethra.
Even though I weigh 39kg.
Being an addict is insane. You can love and hate something at the same time. Lose your life over a chemical and still love even it's name.
Meth-am-phet-a-mine.
Just sounds like another stupid chemical eh? To me that word is a lover, a life, a husband, a wife. Sometimes I think it is me!
I forget the psychotic comedowns. What its done to my body. How it still catches me by the ankle and trips me up when I least expect it. How it turns me into an animal. An animal who will do anything for a feed.
The first withdrawals for me are The Crash (where i sleep a long time for me - 1-3 days usually; this time it was 2) then I start to get psychotic. I forget how bad I've got until I notice the holes in my skin where I pick to let the 'bugs' out. I get texts from ppl like Marie/Mum/Katie and it turns out I've bn talking about men with guns watching me.
I usually get sick during withdrawal. My immune system goes to shit (plus I start chain-smoking) and I get colds/flus. Then asthma.
Dad honestly believed I'd never make 25. He actually took out funeral plans for me a long time ago, which breaks my heart. But I made 25 obviously. I am 25. Question is how much longer can I live like this - and live?
See theres one difference I don't share with the rest of the crowd I use with regularly. I inject mainly. Oh I luv to burn. That rush after smoking crack is amazing - but it's not my method of choice.
May and Chris use needles occasionally.....but not like me. Once I'm heavy on the P my pipe becomes a social thing only. Suddenly I'm back. With my lonely ritual. The shaking hand trying to hold the spoon with the puddle of methamphetamine solution, sucking it up through a 3ml barrel with another shaking hand (even looking at meth makes me shake, let alone dealing with it - in fact I've got a permanent tremor from meth use).
When I'm going through a major relapse I stop bothering with filters and even swabs - too much extra work. I'm too busy hungrily attaching that 26g fit (or 27g if I've run out of veins elsewhere and have to go for my groin) to the syringe, flicking impatiently to get rid of any Dreaded Bubbles then tightening the tourniquet with my teeth and sliding in the needle until the fit fills with that heavenly dark-red blood (the symbolism that I'm Ready To Go). At this point my whole body relaxes, i release the tourniquet and push down the plunger.
Meth isnt really a relaxing drug. But shooting crystal relaxes me. Because suddenly I'm filled with power. I'm someone else. I cease to be me. Me - that person I hate. Everything's going to be all right.
Nothings ever felt all right before. Not before crack. Yet nothing's right on it either.
Anyway first entry - 3 days clean (unless were actually counting methadone/valium.....marijuana/alcohol? no....were not, my problem is meth....and opioids when im not on methadone....which is technically an opioid but u know wat i mean....), staying in henderson, auckland, at friends flat
I tribute these first few entries to Nikki Sixxs 'Heroin Diaries' - after all, when i was detoxing, i never really expected to publish them (even on BL) either.....i relate a lot to Nikki.....except hes clean now. everythings gotta b over the top....its all or nothing. thats me - heres to u Nikki (even though i think motley crue played catshit compared to iron maiden
)anyway one chapter of that book was called 'You Could Say I Had A Love Affair With A 10cc Needle' (or something to that effect)
if i was to copy Sixx, this blog would be called 'The Methamphetamine Diaries'.....and this chapter wud b 'A Love Affair With A 3ml Syringe....And A Big Crack Pipe' (NB. if u dont come from NZ, we call crystal methamphetamine 'P' or 'crack' here.....u might find that stupid, but hey its not like u ever really see crack cocaine here, and if u do, u call it 'freebase' cos it was probly cooked by u.......yes ive tried crack cocaine....but it was *cough* from overseas, and yes it was fucking amazing......maybe too amazing).
Not that I don't like heroin. Don't get me wrong. I luv it. So much I'm now on methadone everyday. I luv drugs altogether. I luv being out of it. Coke, E, booze, hash. All ace.
But P is something else. When I see that fine crystal all settled in the pipe and were sitting in a group (that group these days mainly just me, Leon, Andrew, Adam, Chris and May.....the only crackheads I know as....sick....as me) and Mays firing up (May thinks shes better than us cos shes the daughter of some prominent asshole in NZ *job of that asshole disclosed or too obvious - even though shes disowned her dad) I'm smiling at everyone benignly.....everyone is.....but u can see the jitters in all of us. I am a mess inside. I'm sweaty, shaky, emotional.......but I keep that patient smile. I'm getting good at this. I don't like looking like a fiending methhead. Who does????
Inside I'm thinking 'come on May - just give it - why do you ALWAYS have to start???' (probably cos she usually provides the gear). My head spins. I no longer want P. I need it.
None of us are true friends deep down. Well we've all been in and out of bed together....but does that constitute friendship? We no longer fuck though. May and Chris are a couple.....when I was living with Leon we had a twisted sort of relationship.....but now our whole groups bond is formed on that elusive creeping vapour drifting out the top of that glass pipe.
Give me a choice between one of the old days with May (during the period both of us were going to NA and were clean apart from the odd drink) where we'd float in her spa then poke fun at her brother while raiding the alcohol cabinet for bollinger, at her dads mansion, then go out shopping and come back to her flat, laden down with CDs and clothes, giggling over boys and gossip and the normal things non-methheads talk about, or give me the other choice of activity that involves my so-called best friend.....and I'd still choose the second choice, even though I'm choosing to do this detox. Half of me wants to recover.....the other is too scared to live life without P again....to leave Mays group behind. Why? I can't answer that!
May isn't my best friend anyway. My best friend lives in another town.....we've never met face-to-face, but shes another BLer. She kind of puts May to shame.
May used to be my best friend until methamphetamine took her over though.
Why do I love methamphetamine? It's actually more like a lover than a best friend tbh. Why? Look at what it's done to me!
I'm recovering from P-induced septicemia.
I'm covered in trackmarks, have bad teeth and an even worse urethra.
Even though I weigh 39kg.
Being an addict is insane. You can love and hate something at the same time. Lose your life over a chemical and still love even it's name.
Meth-am-phet-a-mine.
Just sounds like another stupid chemical eh? To me that word is a lover, a life, a husband, a wife. Sometimes I think it is me!
I forget the psychotic comedowns. What its done to my body. How it still catches me by the ankle and trips me up when I least expect it. How it turns me into an animal. An animal who will do anything for a feed.
The first withdrawals for me are The Crash (where i sleep a long time for me - 1-3 days usually; this time it was 2) then I start to get psychotic. I forget how bad I've got until I notice the holes in my skin where I pick to let the 'bugs' out. I get texts from ppl like Marie/Mum/Katie and it turns out I've bn talking about men with guns watching me.
I usually get sick during withdrawal. My immune system goes to shit (plus I start chain-smoking) and I get colds/flus. Then asthma.
Dad honestly believed I'd never make 25. He actually took out funeral plans for me a long time ago, which breaks my heart. But I made 25 obviously. I am 25. Question is how much longer can I live like this - and live?
See theres one difference I don't share with the rest of the crowd I use with regularly. I inject mainly. Oh I luv to burn. That rush after smoking crack is amazing - but it's not my method of choice.
May and Chris use needles occasionally.....but not like me. Once I'm heavy on the P my pipe becomes a social thing only. Suddenly I'm back. With my lonely ritual. The shaking hand trying to hold the spoon with the puddle of methamphetamine solution, sucking it up through a 3ml barrel with another shaking hand (even looking at meth makes me shake, let alone dealing with it - in fact I've got a permanent tremor from meth use).
When I'm going through a major relapse I stop bothering with filters and even swabs - too much extra work. I'm too busy hungrily attaching that 26g fit (or 27g if I've run out of veins elsewhere and have to go for my groin) to the syringe, flicking impatiently to get rid of any Dreaded Bubbles then tightening the tourniquet with my teeth and sliding in the needle until the fit fills with that heavenly dark-red blood (the symbolism that I'm Ready To Go). At this point my whole body relaxes, i release the tourniquet and push down the plunger.
Meth isnt really a relaxing drug. But shooting crystal relaxes me. Because suddenly I'm filled with power. I'm someone else. I cease to be me. Me - that person I hate. Everything's going to be all right.
Nothings ever felt all right before. Not before crack. Yet nothing's right on it either.
...Fucking scary as hell.
Note to self: Never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever EVER do heroin.
Note to self: Never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever EVER do heroin.
Do you have the guts take this survey?Yeah, I'm doing it, right?
Would you do meth if it was legalized?I've done meth and it wasn't.
Abortion: for or against it? Pro-choice
Do you think the world would fail with a female president? Psh! No.
Do you believe in the death penalty? Eh, I sway back and forth.
Do you wish marijuana would be legalized already? Legalized for Medical, yes.
Decriminalized otherwise, yes.
Are you for or against premarital sex?Uh, Well, I started WAYYYYYYY beofre I got married, so , I guess yes. If I have kids, no :D
Do you believe in God? Not in the Christian sense.
Do you think same sex marriage should be legalized? Absolutely.
Do you think it's wrong that so many Hispanics are illegally moving to the country? Illegally, yeah. They should do it legally. I have no problem with that......
A twelve year old girl has a baby, should she keep it? Depends on what she and her family decide. But I would hope if she does, she has a supportive family who would play a VERY active role.
Should the alcohol age be lowered to eighteen? No.
Should the war in Iraq be called off? Yeah.
Assisted suicide is illegal: do you agree?
I voted for it to be legal in my state, which was approved, so no......
Do you believe in spanking children?Depends.
Would you burn an American flag for a million dollars? yeah.
Who do you think would be a better president: McCain or Obama? Um, Well No contest. Obama.
Do you think Obama will be killed? I sure hope not.
Should child predators be forced to wear signs identifying themselves ? yeah hahahah A big tattooed C for Creep on their foreheads.
Are you afraid others will judge you from reading some of your answers? Afraid? No. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. If others don't like mine, thats okay.
Would you do meth if it was legalized?I've done meth and it wasn't.
Abortion: for or against it? Pro-choice
Do you think the world would fail with a female president? Psh! No.
Do you believe in the death penalty? Eh, I sway back and forth.
Do you wish marijuana would be legalized already? Legalized for Medical, yes.
Decriminalized otherwise, yes.
Are you for or against premarital sex?Uh, Well, I started WAYYYYYYY beofre I got married, so , I guess yes. If I have kids, no :D
Do you believe in God? Not in the Christian sense.
Do you think same sex marriage should be legalized? Absolutely.
Do you think it's wrong that so many Hispanics are illegally moving to the country? Illegally, yeah. They should do it legally. I have no problem with that......
A twelve year old girl has a baby, should she keep it? Depends on what she and her family decide. But I would hope if she does, she has a supportive family who would play a VERY active role.
Should the alcohol age be lowered to eighteen? No.
Should the war in Iraq be called off? Yeah.
Assisted suicide is illegal: do you agree?
I voted for it to be legal in my state, which was approved, so no......
Do you believe in spanking children?Depends.
Would you burn an American flag for a million dollars? yeah.
Who do you think would be a better president: McCain or Obama? Um, Well No contest. Obama.
Do you think Obama will be killed? I sure hope not.
Should child predators be forced to wear signs identifying themselves ? yeah hahahah A big tattooed C for Creep on their foreheads.
Are you afraid others will judge you from reading some of your answers? Afraid? No. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. If others don't like mine, thats okay.
When me and my ex were together, we made a couple of sex videos. Most of them were ok, but in one of them, I was really fucked on GBL and ended up doing some things that were hot in the moment, but I'd die if anyone else ever saw me do them - just really nasty grade A crack-whore pornstar stuff. After I watched the tape again, I got all paranoid about it (worst case scenarios like what if someone steals his computer and puts it on the internet, I'd never be able to show my face again 
), until he told me that he'd delete it because he was so sick of me going on about it..
That was a year ago, and I just found out today that he didn't delete it. I'm not sure how to feel about this![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
. Part of me wants to see it, and perhaps even have a copy. Another part of me feels betrayed, and upset that he didn't realise that it's a big thing for me (it's so much easier for guys in the whole leaked sex tape scenario - they get to be the studs, and she's the stupid whore, especially with the sexual acts being performed on this particular video ).
I trust him, but feel uncomfortable about its existence. I want to ask him to delete it, but would like to keep a copy for myself - this may sound unfair, but then again it's only *my* face in the video. I just can't believe he kept it without telling me. I'm not sure, I can't figure out how to feel about this....
), until he told me that he'd delete it because he was so sick of me going on about it.. That was a year ago, and I just found out today that he didn't delete it. I'm not sure how to feel about this
. Part of me wants to see it, and perhaps even have a copy. Another part of me feels betrayed, and upset that he didn't realise that it's a big thing for me (it's so much easier for guys in the whole leaked sex tape scenario - they get to be the studs, and she's the stupid whore, especially with the sexual acts being performed on this particular video ).I trust him, but feel uncomfortable about its existence. I want to ask him to delete it, but would like to keep a copy for myself - this may sound unfair, but then again it's only *my* face in the video. I just can't believe he kept it without telling me.
I'm not sure, I can't figure out how to feel about this....
Okay, so i've read A LOT of the fentanyl threads on here. And A LOT of people are bashing on the MYLAN brand Fentanyl patches. These are the plastic matrix type patches. They are NOT gels.
I've been addicted to opiates for 3-4 years now. It started out with one 7.5mg vicodin. Now i'm eating around 50-75mcg of fentanyl EVERY day. It's getting bad. But anyways, the reason for this thread was to express MY feelings on fentanyl patches, mostly the MYLAN brand. It is my favorite. I want to provide some of MY reasons why I enjoy the MYLAN brand over any other. And over any type of gel patches.
Before I go on, it must be known that I don't typically eat these patches to get high. I need them to not go through any w/ds. Otherwise I wouldn't have to do these everyday. When I want to get high, I combine other pills/drugs into the mix. As well as marijuana. But that's an entire different thread. haha.
I hate the gel patches. mostly because of the way I use the mylan patches. I always just cut off & put a piece in my mouth for 4-5 hours, just sitting on my tongue. and it will keep me lovely ALL DAY. I've sucked on gel's before, and a lot of it gets wasted due to swallowing it.
With the gel patches, you certainly cannot take a 100mcg and cut it into 2-4 pieces which you could totally do with a MYLAN. All the gel will leak out. And swallowing the gel is an absolute waste, as it will not effect you once it passes into the g.i tract. I don't like smoking/injecting the gel either. I HAVE smoked it before off tin foil just to see what type of effects I would get. But they were always very shitty. And really short lasting. It also wastes a 100mg patch very quickly. I've seen my friend smoke an entire 100mcg gel within an hour. A 100mcg MYLAN patch for me would last me 2-3 days. And for as expensive as they are (I live in Buffalo, NY...a 100mcg goes anywhere from $60 which is considered really good - all the way up to $100+)
I normally get my hands on whatever size mylan patches are around. 50, 75, or 100mcg usually. Sometimes ill come across some 25mcgs. And lately i'm up to eating 50mg at a time just to feel feel a TINY BIT over comfortable. I take it about an hour after waking up EVERY day. Otherwise i'll feel like shit if I don't. It rarely gets me high. It just makes me feel comfortable in my own skin for the day. Then Ill usually eat another 25mcg at night around 9-10pm (I don't go to sleep til about 3am), not because I need it for maintenance...but just to be chilled out. And I know i'll sleep good if I eat a little piece at night. Ill also eat xanax sometimes (lately, quite often) with my night dose of 25mcg. Then me and my girlfriend will usually just chill out and watch a movie. I try to limit myself on the xanax though..i'm already addicted to one terrible drug. I don't need to get myself into another dangerous drug, with the w/ds from it resulting in possible seizure's & death. I was so niave about opiates when I first started doing them. I really didn't know what addiction was. I was just selling scripts of vidodin to make money, and I would eat a few every time. Then I started getting them every day to sell, so I would keep a couple more..then vic's didnt work anymore and I got into oxy's..then they got too expensive and didn't work.. and then I found fentanyl and got out of control. Please, if you're reading this and have not taken a trip to the world of opiates...DO NOT start. You do not want to take that trip. And i've never tried heroin for that exact reason - Because I will love it too much, and I promised myself I would never get into heroin. Fentanyl is as far as it's going to go.
But anyways, I believe the mylan patches are MUCH better. They can be very easily hidden. I keep mine in a cd case in my room. Or when i'm out & about, ill keep them in my wallet. Another reason I take a liking to them is because you can pretty much cut yourself whatever size dose you want. Which you cannot do with the gels.
I can't believe I use to get out of my mind for 6+ hours on a piece of about 10-15mcg. with insane nods. Sometimes if I ate it at night, I would wake up the next..afternoon(haha) like 13 hours later, still high as a kite. Now I couldn't even get those results if I ate an entire 100mcg.
I plan on getting off these really soon. I'm weaning myself down as far as I can then i'm going to jump off. I've been stacking up on benzo's for the w/ds. Also got some Immodium AD at my hand. Some nyquil, with dxm in it hehe. That should help right? Any other suggestions? I REALLY wish I could get my hands on some Clonodine. Dang. It sounds like that stuff would help immensley.
But I hope this thread was helpful to anyone looking for info on MYLAN brand fentanyl patches vs. duragesic (gel). If you have the choice to get gel, or the plastic matrix...go with the matrix!! especially the MYLAN brand.
Wish me luck on getting off this stuff guys.
PS - This is my first post by the way, so spare me if it's a little bit all over the place. I had a lot I wanted to say, but wasn't too sure how I wanted to structure it. And i'm not even sure I posted this in the right area. I'm sorry!
I've been addicted to opiates for 3-4 years now. It started out with one 7.5mg vicodin. Now i'm eating around 50-75mcg of fentanyl EVERY day. It's getting bad. But anyways, the reason for this thread was to express MY feelings on fentanyl patches, mostly the MYLAN brand. It is my favorite. I want to provide some of MY reasons why I enjoy the MYLAN brand over any other. And over any type of gel patches.
Before I go on, it must be known that I don't typically eat these patches to get high. I need them to not go through any w/ds. Otherwise I wouldn't have to do these everyday. When I want to get high, I combine other pills/drugs into the mix. As well as marijuana. But that's an entire different thread. haha.
I hate the gel patches. mostly because of the way I use the mylan patches. I always just cut off & put a piece in my mouth for 4-5 hours, just sitting on my tongue. and it will keep me lovely ALL DAY. I've sucked on gel's before, and a lot of it gets wasted due to swallowing it.
With the gel patches, you certainly cannot take a 100mcg and cut it into 2-4 pieces which you could totally do with a MYLAN. All the gel will leak out. And swallowing the gel is an absolute waste, as it will not effect you once it passes into the g.i tract. I don't like smoking/injecting the gel either. I HAVE smoked it before off tin foil just to see what type of effects I would get. But they were always very shitty. And really short lasting. It also wastes a 100mg patch very quickly. I've seen my friend smoke an entire 100mcg gel within an hour. A 100mcg MYLAN patch for me would last me 2-3 days. And for as expensive as they are (I live in Buffalo, NY...a 100mcg goes anywhere from $60 which is considered really good - all the way up to $100+)
I normally get my hands on whatever size mylan patches are around. 50, 75, or 100mcg usually. Sometimes ill come across some 25mcgs. And lately i'm up to eating 50mg at a time just to feel feel a TINY BIT over comfortable. I take it about an hour after waking up EVERY day. Otherwise i'll feel like shit if I don't. It rarely gets me high. It just makes me feel comfortable in my own skin for the day. Then Ill usually eat another 25mcg at night around 9-10pm (I don't go to sleep til about 3am), not because I need it for maintenance...but just to be chilled out. And I know i'll sleep good if I eat a little piece at night. Ill also eat xanax sometimes (lately, quite often) with my night dose of 25mcg. Then me and my girlfriend will usually just chill out and watch a movie. I try to limit myself on the xanax though..i'm already addicted to one terrible drug. I don't need to get myself into another dangerous drug, with the w/ds from it resulting in possible seizure's & death. I was so niave about opiates when I first started doing them. I really didn't know what addiction was. I was just selling scripts of vidodin to make money, and I would eat a few every time. Then I started getting them every day to sell, so I would keep a couple more..then vic's didnt work anymore and I got into oxy's..then they got too expensive and didn't work.. and then I found fentanyl and got out of control. Please, if you're reading this and have not taken a trip to the world of opiates...DO NOT start. You do not want to take that trip. And i've never tried heroin for that exact reason - Because I will love it too much, and I promised myself I would never get into heroin. Fentanyl is as far as it's going to go.
But anyways, I believe the mylan patches are MUCH better. They can be very easily hidden. I keep mine in a cd case in my room. Or when i'm out & about, ill keep them in my wallet. Another reason I take a liking to them is because you can pretty much cut yourself whatever size dose you want. Which you cannot do with the gels.
I can't believe I use to get out of my mind for 6+ hours on a piece of about 10-15mcg. with insane nods. Sometimes if I ate it at night, I would wake up the next..afternoon(haha) like 13 hours later, still high as a kite. Now I couldn't even get those results if I ate an entire 100mcg.
I plan on getting off these really soon. I'm weaning myself down as far as I can then i'm going to jump off. I've been stacking up on benzo's for the w/ds. Also got some Immodium AD at my hand. Some nyquil, with dxm in it hehe. That should help right? Any other suggestions? I REALLY wish I could get my hands on some Clonodine. Dang. It sounds like that stuff would help immensley.
But I hope this thread was helpful to anyone looking for info on MYLAN brand fentanyl patches vs. duragesic (gel). If you have the choice to get gel, or the plastic matrix...go with the matrix!! especially the MYLAN brand.
Wish me luck on getting off this stuff guys.
PS - This is my first post by the way, so spare me if it's a little bit all over the place. I had a lot I wanted to say, but wasn't too sure how I wanted to structure it. And i'm not even sure I posted this in the right area. I'm sorry!
Today is Friday, August 20, 2010 and it is now 1218 PM here in the South Bronx, New York City, USA.
Recap: I was talking about how some Filipinas scam sad white men online.
This entry: I am sitting at a table in the Mott Haven Branch of the New York City Public Library, reveling in all the printed materiel. As small as this library is it is almost heaven after the last couple of months in the Philippines. Even the most isolated part of that country has fluent English speakers but apart from a couple of tiny 1 person stalls in malls, and only then in the biggest of cities can one find English books. For that matter, there aren't that many book stores in native languages either.
I am reading a travelogue about the Mid East. I love seeing the region through the eyes of foreigners but only those who truly immerse themselves in the disparate cultures and Peoples. I have a habit of reading several books at the same time, switching as the fancy strikes me. Today I am only reading 2 books, the other being a huge compendium on Liberation Theology.
For those unaware, Liberation Theology is a distinctly left wing ideology where religious Catholics use their Catholicism to support (usually) violent liberation movements (easiest way to describe it).
If anyone used to read my BL Journal they might recall a time I took my (then) 8 year old sister-in-law Marian to a show at the Mt.Carmel Catholic Church, the village church in San Franz (San Francisco), our town in Mindanao. A Carmelite institution, usually staffed with foreigners, it also runs Mt.Carmel College, Rizza's alma mater, a K through 12th grade school (as well as the rest of the family)...though "12th Grade" is a bit of a misnomer since the Philippine School System is a 10 year system ( that is how I was able to marry Rizza when she was 15,and still have married her after she entered university). They are considering a change, but I doubt that will ever happen.
The show was by the Philippine celebrity Che Che Guitterez. As we entered the sanctuary, where the show was taking place, I couldn't help but notice how empty the pews were. Like most churches in the rural areas there, the outer walls were painted cinder blocks with circular arpertures,as much for decoration as for utility since they allow air to circulate freely.
All along the walls were brown faces pressing themselves into those openings as hard as they possibly could. Tickets had cost 600 Pesos, roughly 13 US Dollars, half a weeks pay for most... and most don't work.
I expected the priest, in this case a Filipino, to allow these poor and desperate people to enter once the show began. After all, once the show started they wouldn't be able to make any more money, right?
The slide show began, cheesy music and spoken word in Tagalog, a language not really understood in the south, even though it is basically the national language and a mandated subject in every school.
The doors stayed shut. I felt as if I wanted to beat that priest, to beat him bloody and shove his face through those openings, make him see what I was seeing. He was blind to his surroundings, most are but sometimes, very rarely a priest or Church Lay Worker comes, and they are touched. More than a couple have run off into the bush and joined the rebels. The most famous was Father Navarro, "The Barefoot Priest." He was especially noteworthy for coming from one of the island's richest families, the Navarro Clan of Surigao de Norte Province.
In my last entry, in Comments, Mariposa asked me why I hate Americans. I could answer any number of ways but my particular reason THEN related to something I sadly discovered about 3 weeks ago, in Quezon City, the part of Metro Manila where Jackie lives.
I had sought out a doctor to "write" for me. I have enough morphine, fentanyl and oxycodone to last maybe 3 years. Being the addict that I am, it is not enough. I can never feel secure unless I have an open conduit in obtaining these substances.
I finally found a doctor with the neccessary S2 Liscence, which allows him to write prescriptions for "Dangerous Drugs," in this case opiates/opioids. He was most obliging, to the point where he looked as if he was going to start crying. Why was he sad? He was ready and willing to write for me BUT was UNABLE. In late 2009 some fucken dickhead from Boston, 28 years old (I will leave his name alone, he has enough problems) decided he was going to do the same thing, only he didn't give a shit about anyone but himself.
He fucked the 2 doctors who obliged him, the pharmacy where he filled it, and 3 staff members of that pharmacy. He was getting massive amounts of Oxycontin (we have a French brand, Mundipharma, in the country). He had the doctors who were very naive, give him a bunch of scripts. He had them put the same date on all of the scripts, then filled them all on the same day at the same pharmacy!
Fast forward 4 months and the renewal of the pharmacy's Liscence. An auditor went over the books and of course notices this huge aberration. Then, he discovered that after that date the guy continued going to the pharmacy but didn't worry about prescriptions, getting the tabs over the counter.
All the people involved caught indictments including this dickhead American, but of course he happened to have left the country. It doesn't take much creativity OR effort to go to 8 or 9 pharmacies, or to stagger scripts, datewise.
Quezon City is tight as a drum now though I have yet to find about other parts of the Metro area. I have a gnawing feeling that other areas will have heard about this, especially pharmacies since only 1 retail chain carries opiates/opioids in the entire nation! Hospital Pharmacies charge twice as much, but hey, better than an American street corner, right?
Recap: I was talking about how some Filipinas scam sad white men online.
This entry: I am sitting at a table in the Mott Haven Branch of the New York City Public Library, reveling in all the printed materiel. As small as this library is it is almost heaven after the last couple of months in the Philippines. Even the most isolated part of that country has fluent English speakers but apart from a couple of tiny 1 person stalls in malls, and only then in the biggest of cities can one find English books. For that matter, there aren't that many book stores in native languages either.
I am reading a travelogue about the Mid East. I love seeing the region through the eyes of foreigners but only those who truly immerse themselves in the disparate cultures and Peoples. I have a habit of reading several books at the same time, switching as the fancy strikes me. Today I am only reading 2 books, the other being a huge compendium on Liberation Theology.
For those unaware, Liberation Theology is a distinctly left wing ideology where religious Catholics use their Catholicism to support (usually) violent liberation movements (easiest way to describe it).
If anyone used to read my BL Journal they might recall a time I took my (then) 8 year old sister-in-law Marian to a show at the Mt.Carmel Catholic Church, the village church in San Franz (San Francisco), our town in Mindanao. A Carmelite institution, usually staffed with foreigners, it also runs Mt.Carmel College, Rizza's alma mater, a K through 12th grade school (as well as the rest of the family)...though "12th Grade" is a bit of a misnomer since the Philippine School System is a 10 year system ( that is how I was able to marry Rizza when she was 15,and still have married her after she entered university). They are considering a change, but I doubt that will ever happen.
The show was by the Philippine celebrity Che Che Guitterez. As we entered the sanctuary, where the show was taking place, I couldn't help but notice how empty the pews were. Like most churches in the rural areas there, the outer walls were painted cinder blocks with circular arpertures,as much for decoration as for utility since they allow air to circulate freely.
All along the walls were brown faces pressing themselves into those openings as hard as they possibly could. Tickets had cost 600 Pesos, roughly 13 US Dollars, half a weeks pay for most... and most don't work.
I expected the priest, in this case a Filipino, to allow these poor and desperate people to enter once the show began. After all, once the show started they wouldn't be able to make any more money, right?
The slide show began, cheesy music and spoken word in Tagalog, a language not really understood in the south, even though it is basically the national language and a mandated subject in every school.
The doors stayed shut. I felt as if I wanted to beat that priest, to beat him bloody and shove his face through those openings, make him see what I was seeing. He was blind to his surroundings, most are but sometimes, very rarely a priest or Church Lay Worker comes, and they are touched. More than a couple have run off into the bush and joined the rebels. The most famous was Father Navarro, "The Barefoot Priest." He was especially noteworthy for coming from one of the island's richest families, the Navarro Clan of Surigao de Norte Province.
In my last entry, in Comments, Mariposa asked me why I hate Americans. I could answer any number of ways but my particular reason THEN related to something I sadly discovered about 3 weeks ago, in Quezon City, the part of Metro Manila where Jackie lives.
I had sought out a doctor to "write" for me. I have enough morphine, fentanyl and oxycodone to last maybe 3 years. Being the addict that I am, it is not enough. I can never feel secure unless I have an open conduit in obtaining these substances.
I finally found a doctor with the neccessary S2 Liscence, which allows him to write prescriptions for "Dangerous Drugs," in this case opiates/opioids. He was most obliging, to the point where he looked as if he was going to start crying. Why was he sad? He was ready and willing to write for me BUT was UNABLE. In late 2009 some fucken dickhead from Boston, 28 years old (I will leave his name alone, he has enough problems) decided he was going to do the same thing, only he didn't give a shit about anyone but himself.
He fucked the 2 doctors who obliged him, the pharmacy where he filled it, and 3 staff members of that pharmacy. He was getting massive amounts of Oxycontin (we have a French brand, Mundipharma, in the country). He had the doctors who were very naive, give him a bunch of scripts. He had them put the same date on all of the scripts, then filled them all on the same day at the same pharmacy!
Fast forward 4 months and the renewal of the pharmacy's Liscence. An auditor went over the books and of course notices this huge aberration. Then, he discovered that after that date the guy continued going to the pharmacy but didn't worry about prescriptions, getting the tabs over the counter.
All the people involved caught indictments including this dickhead American, but of course he happened to have left the country. It doesn't take much creativity OR effort to go to 8 or 9 pharmacies, or to stagger scripts, datewise.
Quezon City is tight as a drum now though I have yet to find about other parts of the Metro area. I have a gnawing feeling that other areas will have heard about this, especially pharmacies since only 1 retail chain carries opiates/opioids in the entire nation! Hospital Pharmacies charge twice as much, but hey, better than an American street corner, right?
Some old artwork from 2003-2006...
The following has some graphic drawings and depictions of self-injury in a violent manner, please view with caution...
Broken by my Master: http://a.imageshack.us/img44/5421/tearsofblood.jpg (a pen/color pencil drawing of a random model in some magazine I bought long ago, I received a 'C' on a paper freshman year at LU. I was attempting to get out the rage in art instead of on myself)
Purple Haze: http://a.imageshack.us/img101/818/purplehazem.jpg (digital art when I first started dabbling in it...I was high on DXM in this picture this was around the first year I came home after being forced to leave LU)
Perfect Cage: http://a.imageshack.us/img148/9915/perfectthincage.jpg (pen/number 2 pencil drawing depicting my Eating Disordered mind and hell within around my freshman year at LU)
RIP Layne Stanley of Alice in Chains 1967-2002: http://a.imageshack.us/img339/9563/laynetearsofred.jpg (Tribute drawing of Layne from AIC who passed in 2002 of a speed ball overdose coke and Heroin combined, pen drawing with red pen for the tears of blood I drew this when I came home from school in 2005)
Watch Over Me: http://a.imageshack.us/img265/5608/kurtunplugged.jpg (Kurt Cobain unplugged pen drawing sophomore year at LU)
You Were the one, Who Could Set the Sun: http://a.imageshack.us/img96/8521/kurtguitar.jpg (Kurt Cobain pencil drawing when he practiced during the In utero era, I drew this my sophomore year at LU as well)
Untitled: http://a.imageshack.us/img442/7758/kurtpu.jpg (Kurt Cobain pen/color pencil drawing freshman year at LU)
America's Sweetheart Wallpaper: http://a.imageshack.us/img40/7561/highcourtney.jpg (digital art of Courtney Love done in 2005 during her America's Sweetheart/coke habit era)
Figure 8: http://a.imageshack.us/img43/1818/figure8elliott.jpg (Pen drawing half done of Elliott Smith around 2006, overlapping the figure 8 wall with one of the last pictures taken of him before his death in 2003)
XO: http://a.imageshack.us/img30/2748/elliottsmith1.jpg (Live close up pencil drawing of Elliott Smith drawn around 2005)
St. Ides: http://a.imageshack.us/img204/8623/elliott2.jpg (Rare picture of Elliott Smith found on line drawn in pencil in 2005)
'High' Mesh Up Wallpaper: http://a.imageshack.us/img823/7126/digitaldrugart.jpg (another 2004 digital wallpaper with some cliché under the influence pics faded into my pic)
Goddess Clove: http://a.imageshack.us/img707/7329/courtneylove2004.jpg (Courtney Love pencil drawing in 2005, America's Sweetheart era)
She's Lost Control: http://a.imageshack.us/img205/9056/courtneyhascomeundone.jpg (Courtney Love pencil drawing 2006, Live Through This era)
The following has some graphic drawings and depictions of self-injury in a violent manner, please view with caution...
Broken by my Master: http://a.imageshack.us/img44/5421/tearsofblood.jpg (a pen/color pencil drawing of a random model in some magazine I bought long ago, I received a 'C' on a paper freshman year at LU. I was attempting to get out the rage in art instead of on myself)
Purple Haze: http://a.imageshack.us/img101/818/purplehazem.jpg (digital art when I first started dabbling in it...I was high on DXM in this picture this was around the first year I came home after being forced to leave LU)
Perfect Cage: http://a.imageshack.us/img148/9915/perfectthincage.jpg (pen/number 2 pencil drawing depicting my Eating Disordered mind and hell within around my freshman year at LU)
RIP Layne Stanley of Alice in Chains 1967-2002: http://a.imageshack.us/img339/9563/laynetearsofred.jpg (Tribute drawing of Layne from AIC who passed in 2002 of a speed ball overdose coke and Heroin combined, pen drawing with red pen for the tears of blood I drew this when I came home from school in 2005)
Watch Over Me: http://a.imageshack.us/img265/5608/kurtunplugged.jpg (Kurt Cobain unplugged pen drawing sophomore year at LU)
You Were the one, Who Could Set the Sun: http://a.imageshack.us/img96/8521/kurtguitar.jpg (Kurt Cobain pencil drawing when he practiced during the In utero era, I drew this my sophomore year at LU as well)
Untitled: http://a.imageshack.us/img442/7758/kurtpu.jpg (Kurt Cobain pen/color pencil drawing freshman year at LU)
America's Sweetheart Wallpaper: http://a.imageshack.us/img40/7561/highcourtney.jpg (digital art of Courtney Love done in 2005 during her America's Sweetheart/coke habit era)
Figure 8: http://a.imageshack.us/img43/1818/figure8elliott.jpg (Pen drawing half done of Elliott Smith around 2006, overlapping the figure 8 wall with one of the last pictures taken of him before his death in 2003)
XO: http://a.imageshack.us/img30/2748/elliottsmith1.jpg (Live close up pencil drawing of Elliott Smith drawn around 2005)
St. Ides: http://a.imageshack.us/img204/8623/elliott2.jpg (Rare picture of Elliott Smith found on line drawn in pencil in 2005)
'High' Mesh Up Wallpaper: http://a.imageshack.us/img823/7126/digitaldrugart.jpg (another 2004 digital wallpaper with some cliché under the influence pics faded into my pic)
Goddess Clove: http://a.imageshack.us/img707/7329/courtneylove2004.jpg (Courtney Love pencil drawing in 2005, America's Sweetheart era)
She's Lost Control: http://a.imageshack.us/img205/9056/courtneyhascomeundone.jpg (Courtney Love pencil drawing 2006, Live Through This era)
I recently found some promethazine pills in my medicean cabnet. from what i know it is used for like cough or something. any help on this would be awesome. the question is can i get high off them?
The astrologers sent me a warning about how Jupiter & Saturn are squaring off causing a great oppositional force of intense emotions, high highs, & equally negative lows.In fact 2010 is a year full of chaos & termoil emotionally, & it's with everyone,but I have a suspicion that junkies & chemical maintainance afflicted individuals are explosive ten fold. You know when dynamite sits around for an extented period of time, void of any sparks to set it off, still, we are the dynamite, life
is the constant variable, & when dynamite is sitting around in heat, it sweats nitroglycerin & it's an unstable explosive with a clock ticking just waiting for that extra degree of heat, or some brainless human fuckwad that tries to move it, BANG! BAM! AND BITE ME DYNA, with all your MITE so one smuck got his bollocks & a sizable chunk out of his arse cheek leaving him half assed literally & the other poor smuck, well he be dead. Add chemicals to the already steel balled dog with no hind legs running from hell to get Y O U, here comes Sparky the Demon Dog
& heaven help the old dynamite blocks (us) if sparky gains another 6" on us & it's times like now where Sparky the Demon Dog from hell is a bounty dog coming to collect his bounty. On the other hand, keep the demon dog & his sparks away because Jack Frost snowed him down, & sparky cooling off, but his face is set in a frozen snarl, eyes intent at sucking the explosive elements (our souls) unstable, but thats what demon dogs like. He's got balls all frozen---for now, but Jack don't stay long, & by late spring dynamite be sweating nitroglycerin again. Old dyna not too happy, as the source of ignition, heat or
demon dog (dope) was delayed so dyna did not ignite for good or bad, but the lack of sparks, or excellerants are what dope fiends turn into---dynamite sweating nitroglycerin. Alas, some poor sods made the dreadful mistake of ASSuming keep a drug addict from his/her drugs, why then we can't possibly go off! Somber Silas found out the hard way & his sunken flesh/muscle on his right side where his other 50% of his ass had been---he ASSumed so the dope fiend went off & he got blasted. The old dynamite blocks got the last laugh. The dopeless fiends didn't go limp & crippled like ass wholiness no more, Somber Silas, predicted. Don't fuck with a junkie & his chemicals unless he specifically invites you & says he wants his chemicals fucked with, & even then tick tock, tick tock, can the invited interventionalist diffuse the bomb before it will surely go off?
Here he stands
In the desert yard
The last poor guard
Quite stiff, & hard
Another fill in,
A standing villian
Is cool, & chillin, Under-
Standing literally,
Boy in blue, undercover tool
That did not heed my #1 rule
He was willin to stiff me
He got stiffed
Fuck with my dope
Abandon all hope
A fill in fills in
But never a doubt
This sucker call him Phil
Won't ever get out
Workin his last gig--still
Under the ground standing
Hear that sound? Silent Phil
Does his gig under ground
Standing---still
,
is the constant variable, & when dynamite is sitting around in heat, it sweats nitroglycerin & it's an unstable explosive with a clock ticking just waiting for that extra degree of heat, or some brainless human fuckwad that tries to move it, BANG! BAM! AND BITE ME DYNA, with all your MITE so one smuck got his bollocks & a sizable chunk out of his arse cheek leaving him half assed literally & the other poor smuck, well he be dead. Add chemicals to the already steel balled dog with no hind legs running from hell to get Y O U, here comes Sparky the Demon Dog
& heaven help the old dynamite blocks (us) if sparky gains another 6" on us & it's times like now where Sparky the Demon Dog from hell is a bounty dog coming to collect his bounty. On the other hand, keep the demon dog & his sparks away because Jack Frost snowed him down, & sparky cooling off, but his face is set in a frozen snarl, eyes intent at sucking the explosive elements (our souls) unstable, but thats what demon dogs like. He's got balls all frozen---for now, but Jack don't stay long, & by late spring dynamite be sweating nitroglycerin again. Old dyna not too happy, as the source of ignition, heat or
demon dog (dope) was delayed so dyna did not ignite for good or bad, but the lack of sparks, or excellerants are what dope fiends turn into---dynamite sweating nitroglycerin. Alas, some poor sods made the dreadful mistake of ASSuming keep a drug addict from his/her drugs, why then we can't possibly go off! Somber Silas found out the hard way & his sunken flesh/muscle on his right side where his other 50% of his ass had been---he ASSumed so the dope fiend went off & he got blasted. The old dynamite blocks got the last laugh. The dopeless fiends didn't go limp & crippled like ass wholiness no more, Somber Silas, predicted. Don't fuck with a junkie & his chemicals unless he specifically invites you & says he wants his chemicals fucked with, & even then tick tock, tick tock, can the invited interventionalist diffuse the bomb before it will surely go off?
Here he stands
In the desert yard
The last poor guard
Quite stiff, & hard
Another fill in,
A standing villian
Is cool, & chillin, Under-
Standing literally,
Boy in blue, undercover tool
That did not heed my #1 rule
He was willin to stiff me
He got stiffed
Fuck with my dope
Abandon all hope
A fill in fills in
But never a doubt
This sucker call him Phil
Won't ever get out
Workin his last gig--still
Under the ground standing
Hear that sound? Silent Phil
Does his gig under ground
Standing---still
,
If you could have one wish, what would you wish for? Don't be shy. I would wish for the elimination of money. We would have to exchange goods and services by bartering vegetables and bread. We would have to revert back to our old ways where technology isn't neccessary for our survival. Imagine what our world would be like if we didn't have currency. We would be living it back like it was during the stone ages where cavemen existed. Our lifestyle would be simple and humble. We would put all our manpower into space travel but we would still live in teepees and caves. The idea would be co-existing. A humble yet advanced lifestyle.
(continued)
If we spent all our time and devotion into one thing, my theory is that we would put it into spacetravel. Spacetravel would mean more businesses, more opportunity for growth, and a reason to live. To expand our creator's creations and flourish into something we haven't conceived yet. There may be something awaiting for us in the near future, something that we cannot comprehend. It might be aliens, it might be sentient life forms that are actually universes inside their living bodies. Either way you look at it, it is mind-blowing what we could achieve if we only put our space and time into it.
(continued)
If we spent all our time and devotion into one thing, my theory is that we would put it into spacetravel. Spacetravel would mean more businesses, more opportunity for growth, and a reason to live. To expand our creator's creations and flourish into something we haven't conceived yet. There may be something awaiting for us in the near future, something that we cannot comprehend. It might be aliens, it might be sentient life forms that are actually universes inside their living bodies. Either way you look at it, it is mind-blowing what we could achieve if we only put our space and time into it.
i have had several dreams where i am chewing gum and it get stuck in my tooth. it becomes really painful to pull the gum out and usually my teeth come with it. or my tooth is loose and the gum sticks and pulls it out.
i wake up usually remembering bits and pieces of my dreams, so that is not odd. and i often have dreams about the same thing if something is on my mind, but teeth and gum? wtf?
i wake up usually remembering bits and pieces of my dreams, so that is not odd. and i often have dreams about the same thing if something is on my mind, but teeth and gum? wtf?
I feel better now for having written. And yes, the fact that my $50/wk habit would be better spent not engaging in...yup well aware thankyou. Physically, I'm exhausted 24/7 if I don't & getting to work & working is torture because ever since quitting Tramadol March 2009, my sleep wake cycle is all fucked up. Unless I take an upper, my brain tells my body it's tired all the time. The Tramadol did a hell of a number fucking up my neurotransmitters & Christ it's a GIANT pain in the ass!
I remember the last 6 months I was active in NA, I had done everything the program suggested, call my sponsor, call other members, work the steps, go to meetings, pray, eat right, exercise, but not being fat & ditching the chronic fatigue were the only 2 things though they were BIG, I was unable to overcome even with the help of God, NA, the program, the community. I saw some of Overdone's journal. It's no accident every time I visit BL journals, I almost always manage to see Overdone's journal featured. Like I said, it's no accident. I know too that just because you are in NA, doing all the "right" things, & working very diligently in the solution, doesn't mean that you may be rid of some pain in the ass disease that seriously fucks with the quality of your life.
There are those that are rewarded with feeling good again, but then there are those that for whatever reason are not. Yet, I saw people stick out rediculous suffering like going through dialysis, interferon treatments while still working full time & going to NA meetings, haha yeah right fat chance I'd get half as far as that woman did. I had a higher tolerance for mental/emotional anguish like the humiliation of being fat which aside from being tremendous effort to move, God what a damned whale I was!
I always get a chuckle when occasionally, some random person, like Javier for example, saw me drug free working a program (PORKY) & now apparently much easier on the eyes, make some disparraging comment concerning my drug use I'd engaged in"before" then say "how much better I look now. whoa I can't believe it, you were a blimp before...." For whatever it's worth, even when the comments sting and are so true, confirming that shit was not my imagination, I respect their honesty. You may despise my secret life, but chances are unless you're my mother, you'll despise my old whale like appearance even more.
Yes, NA people loved me in spite of my unsightly fat, but I can't go down that road again. That was changing one drug for another to beyond extreme. America despises fatties, yet they make a big point of shoving food in our faces with 20 commercials between shows & worse fast food stand on every corner or lard high fat food guaranteed to up your B/P, pack on belly, narrow your arteries, clog your arteries, attack your pancrease, get your system out of balance, then before long, diabetes, heart disease, stroke, after morbid obesity has taken whatever dignity regarding appearance, then slowly usurping your independence by limiting mobility.
I loved NA, but if chronic fatigue & obesity are the prices for sobriety, uh uh, no thanks. Still, sinking deeper into despair during the last wks of my NA involvement, I couldn't understand why I either was not getting God's help to overcome that shit, or if I was, then why couldn't I be given the ability to receive the healing? I read & reasearched all sorts of books on spirituality, & a couple books, one A Course in Miracles & the other Understanding the Course by Marianne Williamson (name of book is approximate) said that most people have undisciplined minds & thoughts. First we must master the mind/thoughts, ect.
I gave it the old college try sober for a couple years & when I got frustrated once & asked why the hell didn't I fuckin get it already? Training a wayward mind and it's thoughts is simple but it's sure as hell not easy. I don't believe that God would want me to be fat or tired all the time. It was me that got myself into those situations, which further enhanced my frustrations at the fact that well goddamn it, I cut off one bad behavior, drugs, instant blimpo, but hey she's drug free. I didn't look healthy cause I was fat & drug use can be clocked easier, so am I condemned to a life of being a junkie or to food & a life of fat? My track record indicates in my case yes, & the older I get, the more years go by, the more firmly deep seated the neuropathology of my defective thinking will manifest through hidden track marks, but cover them up the world says I'm beautiful. Take away the chemicals, well other assets are shown, but so is the ugly fat girl. Retraining the mind is freaken difficult as hell, impossible in a society that slams heart attacks & obesity to go at every corner here, you know?
Still, I'd gladly take a "thought changing pill" to convert me to think the way a healthy eater does. Anyway, Maryanne Willismson said our prayers are heard by the Source or however you choose to define God. To me, God is simply pure energy without form or face, way beyond that, though energy can work through form. According to her, help comes but we're not always advanced enough to receive whatever form it may come. Often times it's our own beliefs that act as barriers, but Marianne wrote that if you're not advanced enough to take healing or aid in one way, then "God" tries to bring it to you in a way
you can accept--an MD, a magic feather, even a bleepn TV show perhaps. I held out 9 months, but never did find my magic feather, unless well this is it--with a price. Anyway, I'm still uncertain as to how this will all turn out. I don't want/require much. A room to myself, a car to go to work in & around town, an modest income without IRS, Feds taking my only means away.I never did learn how to be a scandalous criminal like some crazy tweekers, making corporate checks, cashing checks out of accounts that don't exist, shit like that. I admit, it's times like now just to pull off once or twice $2000 here or $1000 there, to start with a clean slate.
I remember the last 6 months I was active in NA, I had done everything the program suggested, call my sponsor, call other members, work the steps, go to meetings, pray, eat right, exercise, but not being fat & ditching the chronic fatigue were the only 2 things though they were BIG, I was unable to overcome even with the help of God, NA, the program, the community. I saw some of Overdone's journal. It's no accident every time I visit BL journals, I almost always manage to see Overdone's journal featured. Like I said, it's no accident. I know too that just because you are in NA, doing all the "right" things, & working very diligently in the solution, doesn't mean that you may be rid of some pain in the ass disease that seriously fucks with the quality of your life.
There are those that are rewarded with feeling good again, but then there are those that for whatever reason are not. Yet, I saw people stick out rediculous suffering like going through dialysis, interferon treatments while still working full time & going to NA meetings, haha yeah right fat chance I'd get half as far as that woman did. I had a higher tolerance for mental/emotional anguish like the humiliation of being fat which aside from being tremendous effort to move, God what a damned whale I was!
I always get a chuckle when occasionally, some random person, like Javier for example, saw me drug free working a program (PORKY) & now apparently much easier on the eyes, make some disparraging comment concerning my drug use I'd engaged in"before" then say "how much better I look now. whoa I can't believe it, you were a blimp before...." For whatever it's worth, even when the comments sting and are so true, confirming that shit was not my imagination, I respect their honesty. You may despise my secret life, but chances are unless you're my mother, you'll despise my old whale like appearance even more.
Yes, NA people loved me in spite of my unsightly fat, but I can't go down that road again. That was changing one drug for another to beyond extreme. America despises fatties, yet they make a big point of shoving food in our faces with 20 commercials between shows & worse fast food stand on every corner or lard high fat food guaranteed to up your B/P, pack on belly, narrow your arteries, clog your arteries, attack your pancrease, get your system out of balance, then before long, diabetes, heart disease, stroke, after morbid obesity has taken whatever dignity regarding appearance, then slowly usurping your independence by limiting mobility.
I loved NA, but if chronic fatigue & obesity are the prices for sobriety, uh uh, no thanks. Still, sinking deeper into despair during the last wks of my NA involvement, I couldn't understand why I either was not getting God's help to overcome that shit, or if I was, then why couldn't I be given the ability to receive the healing? I read & reasearched all sorts of books on spirituality, & a couple books, one A Course in Miracles & the other Understanding the Course by Marianne Williamson (name of book is approximate) said that most people have undisciplined minds & thoughts. First we must master the mind/thoughts, ect.
I gave it the old college try sober for a couple years & when I got frustrated once & asked why the hell didn't I fuckin get it already? Training a wayward mind and it's thoughts is simple but it's sure as hell not easy. I don't believe that God would want me to be fat or tired all the time. It was me that got myself into those situations, which further enhanced my frustrations at the fact that well goddamn it, I cut off one bad behavior, drugs, instant blimpo, but hey she's drug free. I didn't look healthy cause I was fat & drug use can be clocked easier, so am I condemned to a life of being a junkie or to food & a life of fat? My track record indicates in my case yes, & the older I get, the more years go by, the more firmly deep seated the neuropathology of my defective thinking will manifest through hidden track marks, but cover them up the world says I'm beautiful. Take away the chemicals, well other assets are shown, but so is the ugly fat girl. Retraining the mind is freaken difficult as hell, impossible in a society that slams heart attacks & obesity to go at every corner here, you know?
Still, I'd gladly take a "thought changing pill" to convert me to think the way a healthy eater does. Anyway, Maryanne Willismson said our prayers are heard by the Source or however you choose to define God. To me, God is simply pure energy without form or face, way beyond that, though energy can work through form. According to her, help comes but we're not always advanced enough to receive whatever form it may come. Often times it's our own beliefs that act as barriers, but Marianne wrote that if you're not advanced enough to take healing or aid in one way, then "God" tries to bring it to you in a way
you can accept--an MD, a magic feather, even a bleepn TV show perhaps. I held out 9 months, but never did find my magic feather, unless well this is it--with a price. Anyway, I'm still uncertain as to how this will all turn out. I don't want/require much. A room to myself, a car to go to work in & around town, an modest income without IRS, Feds taking my only means away.I never did learn how to be a scandalous criminal like some crazy tweekers, making corporate checks, cashing checks out of accounts that don't exist, shit like that. I admit, it's times like now just to pull off once or twice $2000 here or $1000 there, to start with a clean slate.
Hey what's up with you these days? I'm relatively happy, but once again this cocksucking lack of money is a huge thorn in my side. Because of the garnishment, Mom, & having to go through this exhausting ordeal regarding more money with her each week, then the final straw being IRS wanting to sue me for back taxes....are there any more dick heads that want to fuck with me & put their fat, greedy, palms out for the rest of my pathetic little check every week? Fuck! I'm gonna consult my tax man Monday about the above. He's damn good, but damned expensive like $600/year to file, but he always gets me $1000-$1800 back---after I manage to fork up that huge fee, which for me is impossible all at once paying rent/car payment/ect.
I got an extra night of work a week, but it's not enough with the garnishment they take 25%. I'm tired without meds, & although Mom can say what she wants, complain when she only gets even $200-$400/mo....2 months rest from not paying her, hell even one month would help bucketload to play catch up, but that ain't gonna happen. Since shoppin for other work is not what I want, I've seriously been feeling moving out & living in car for 10 wks like I did in 2005, half time at Linda's if I wanted I could put away $600. I don't think it's a wise move, as that's how I got in trouble by those nosy, busy body pigs in the first place though, last time I tried that.
Thought about escorting, or getting a sugar daddy, but haven't the mindset. Two nights ago Javier called me. He's the dude I had as a roommate for awhile back in 1998 when we each rented a room from this very cheap landlord, right after I moved out of your garage. We got along great, he's cool, I know him, he knows me & we pretty much have an idea of how the other lives. I have seen him off an on cause we bumped into each other a couple times shopping, then again when we both went to AA/NA.
He never did drugs, but he's had 3 drunk driving starting 1981, last one 2007, but he's been sober since, still is blah blah, no cigs, drugs, or vices to live with. He's lived here since he was in High School, maybe longer, 2 years older than I am. Apparently, unless he marries he will be deported back to El Salvador, even though he has clearly cleaned up, in fact he supports his 7 year old daughter, & the woman he knocked up--her mom. He's been working steady, makes better $ than me as a waiter, & although I know green cards go for $10,000-15,000 a pop, he can't pay me that kind of money, but it's not about me wanting a nice lump sum of cash, but more about practical way to help each other out.
We went looking at apartments yesterday & he got one for us, 1 I saw & liked. The rent is $1200/mo & the deal is if I marry him, I get my own room I don't have to share with anyone. The other bedroom & rest of the place they can do as they please. Because he has a kid, he don't want a bunch of tweekers over there, which I can certainly understand & there won't be. He & the child's mom are not an item, but stay together to parent the girl & because it's practical. She works full time, don't make much money so Javier pays the major bills. I really never want to marry anyone, I'm not the marrying kind, but the arrangement could benefit both of us. Mom wants her $146/mo for the lawyer which I'd finish paying for, but thats it.
Javier is not a damn tweeker & is responsible otherwise I'd never consider it. You and Linda are the only 2 people that use that I'd completely be sure wouldn't rip me off when my back is turned, unlike everyone else, ok and Erik. He wants to hurry up & get married, but I said sorry not until we sign a pre-nup. Granted, not mind you that I have fuck all to rip off, that is a joke in itself, but I told him if Mom still does decide to leave me her house or whatever she may or may not leave me, he's not getting half of my inheritance, that would be merely a 2nd social security for the last 5-10 yrs of my life, if I live to be 63. I told him when I was going to marry Erik, it was 5 years Erik would of had to stay married to get his green card.
Erik agreed to sign the pre nup regarding above...Javier said no problem, & I also said the pre nup works both ways, that I will sign saying I agree not to get any of his pension or whatever. So he called last night said, "I want to do this on Monday." That's a bit fast & not until these contracts are drawn up & signed. He said,"Come on Tanya, you know me....I wouldn't....you wouldn't...." LOL. No matter. No contracts. No marriage. I'd get $500 before the marriage, $500 day of, $500 after or something like that. He'd give me a little fridge, microwave for my room, or whatever crap he has which is a lot. That's not a lot of money, I know, but free rent for 5 years....$7,200/yr in rent for 3 years = 21,600, which isn't bad.
I could come & go as I please, have my own life, & at least he's someone I've known for some time. He can't marry his kid's mom, she only has a permit to live here, but seeing as how I don't have to sleep with the guy, I would be in a safe family like environment. He did say, "I don't want you to have gay people over here." LOL. He probably said that because I mentioned Erik is, but bullshit on that & I told him so. He didn't like "people with tattoos," to which I laughed & said, "Won't the INS be asking you if I have any? Because I have 4," LOL. Obviously, that 1 not gonna fly. I know, too if he fucks up & pissed me off during the first 5 years, I could have him deported, so my way or the high way in terms of that crap. I'm not thrilled about dealing with the INS, though but it should be way easier than trying to keep an Egyptian, like Mom did.
The only way I could ever be married is to have my own space, but unless I pay 1/2 rent there's no way I can find an arrangement where I can stifle the fucking rent scene for a while without having to be cook, maid, & whore to some guy cause what would he get out of it otherwise? Finally, in spite of this poverty, I have something of equal value to contribute in exchange for not constantly having to worry about bleeping rent. Everywhere we looked it's so damned expensive! Someday once again, I can't wait to get this stupid crap off my back, the IRS, the garnishment, then retain some sort of financial freedom.
This sounds like some hair brained craziness, I know & the thought of being legally bound to someone freaks me out because it's not a road I've been down before. Last time when Erik & I were going to marry, you said Robin knew some notary official dude? That was 5 years ago, she may not know anymore, but what the hell is involved in the type of pre nup I want? Does it have to be a family law lawyer, paralegal? What's the cheapest way to make a contract stick? After he is legal, he said he didn't care one way or the other if I stay married or not, so assuming I had such a pre nup & he cooperated, any idea the quickest, cheapest route to dissolve a marriage without paying a king's ransom?
I got an extra night of work a week, but it's not enough with the garnishment they take 25%. I'm tired without meds, & although Mom can say what she wants, complain when she only gets even $200-$400/mo....2 months rest from not paying her, hell even one month would help bucketload to play catch up, but that ain't gonna happen. Since shoppin for other work is not what I want, I've seriously been feeling moving out & living in car for 10 wks like I did in 2005, half time at Linda's if I wanted I could put away $600. I don't think it's a wise move, as that's how I got in trouble by those nosy, busy body pigs in the first place though, last time I tried that.
Thought about escorting, or getting a sugar daddy, but haven't the mindset. Two nights ago Javier called me. He's the dude I had as a roommate for awhile back in 1998 when we each rented a room from this very cheap landlord, right after I moved out of your garage. We got along great, he's cool, I know him, he knows me & we pretty much have an idea of how the other lives. I have seen him off an on cause we bumped into each other a couple times shopping, then again when we both went to AA/NA.
He never did drugs, but he's had 3 drunk driving starting 1981, last one 2007, but he's been sober since, still is blah blah, no cigs, drugs, or vices to live with. He's lived here since he was in High School, maybe longer, 2 years older than I am. Apparently, unless he marries he will be deported back to El Salvador, even though he has clearly cleaned up, in fact he supports his 7 year old daughter, & the woman he knocked up--her mom. He's been working steady, makes better $ than me as a waiter, & although I know green cards go for $10,000-15,000 a pop, he can't pay me that kind of money, but it's not about me wanting a nice lump sum of cash, but more about practical way to help each other out.
We went looking at apartments yesterday & he got one for us, 1 I saw & liked. The rent is $1200/mo & the deal is if I marry him, I get my own room I don't have to share with anyone. The other bedroom & rest of the place they can do as they please. Because he has a kid, he don't want a bunch of tweekers over there, which I can certainly understand & there won't be. He & the child's mom are not an item, but stay together to parent the girl & because it's practical. She works full time, don't make much money so Javier pays the major bills. I really never want to marry anyone, I'm not the marrying kind, but the arrangement could benefit both of us. Mom wants her $146/mo for the lawyer which I'd finish paying for, but thats it.
Javier is not a damn tweeker & is responsible otherwise I'd never consider it. You and Linda are the only 2 people that use that I'd completely be sure wouldn't rip me off when my back is turned, unlike everyone else, ok and Erik. He wants to hurry up & get married, but I said sorry not until we sign a pre-nup. Granted, not mind you that I have fuck all to rip off, that is a joke in itself, but I told him if Mom still does decide to leave me her house or whatever she may or may not leave me, he's not getting half of my inheritance, that would be merely a 2nd social security for the last 5-10 yrs of my life, if I live to be 63. I told him when I was going to marry Erik, it was 5 years Erik would of had to stay married to get his green card.
Erik agreed to sign the pre nup regarding above...Javier said no problem, & I also said the pre nup works both ways, that I will sign saying I agree not to get any of his pension or whatever. So he called last night said, "I want to do this on Monday." That's a bit fast & not until these contracts are drawn up & signed. He said,"Come on Tanya, you know me....I wouldn't....you wouldn't...." LOL. No matter. No contracts. No marriage. I'd get $500 before the marriage, $500 day of, $500 after or something like that. He'd give me a little fridge, microwave for my room, or whatever crap he has which is a lot. That's not a lot of money, I know, but free rent for 5 years....$7,200/yr in rent for 3 years = 21,600, which isn't bad.
I could come & go as I please, have my own life, & at least he's someone I've known for some time. He can't marry his kid's mom, she only has a permit to live here, but seeing as how I don't have to sleep with the guy, I would be in a safe family like environment. He did say, "I don't want you to have gay people over here." LOL. He probably said that because I mentioned Erik is, but bullshit on that & I told him so. He didn't like "people with tattoos," to which I laughed & said, "Won't the INS be asking you if I have any? Because I have 4," LOL. Obviously, that 1 not gonna fly. I know, too if he fucks up & pissed me off during the first 5 years, I could have him deported, so my way or the high way in terms of that crap. I'm not thrilled about dealing with the INS, though but it should be way easier than trying to keep an Egyptian, like Mom did.
The only way I could ever be married is to have my own space, but unless I pay 1/2 rent there's no way I can find an arrangement where I can stifle the fucking rent scene for a while without having to be cook, maid, & whore to some guy cause what would he get out of it otherwise? Finally, in spite of this poverty, I have something of equal value to contribute in exchange for not constantly having to worry about bleeping rent. Everywhere we looked it's so damned expensive! Someday once again, I can't wait to get this stupid crap off my back, the IRS, the garnishment, then retain some sort of financial freedom.
This sounds like some hair brained craziness, I know & the thought of being legally bound to someone freaks me out because it's not a road I've been down before. Last time when Erik & I were going to marry, you said Robin knew some notary official dude? That was 5 years ago, she may not know anymore, but what the hell is involved in the type of pre nup I want? Does it have to be a family law lawyer, paralegal? What's the cheapest way to make a contract stick? After he is legal, he said he didn't care one way or the other if I stay married or not, so assuming I had such a pre nup & he cooperated, any idea the quickest, cheapest route to dissolve a marriage without paying a king's ransom?
Delicious salad:
Diced red, yellow and green bell peppers
Diced Sweet onion
Diced Tomatoes (Romas preferably)
Diced Cucumbers
Kalamata Olive Oil
Goat Cheese
A little mint, oregano, garlic salt, black pepper
Mix it all up and eat !
It is super yummy..........
Diced red, yellow and green bell peppers
Diced Sweet onion
Diced Tomatoes (Romas preferably)
Diced Cucumbers
Kalamata Olive Oil
Goat Cheese
A little mint, oregano, garlic salt, black pepper
Mix it all up and eat !
It is super yummy..........
The last question was asked for the first time, half in jest, on May 21, 2061, at a time when humanity first stepped into the light. The question came about as a result of a five dollar bet over highballs, and it happened this way:
Alexander Adell and Bertram Lupov were two of the faithful attendants of Multivac. As well as any human beings could, they knew what lay behind the cold, clicking, flashing face -- miles and miles of face -- of that giant computer. They had at least a vague notion of the general plan of relays and circuits that had long since grown past the point where any single human could possibly have a firm grasp of the whole.
Multivac was self-adjusting and self-correcting. It had to be, for nothing human could adjust and correct it quickly enough or even adequately enough -- so Adell and Lupov attended the monstrous giant only lightly and superficially, yet as well as any men could. They fed it data, adjusted questions to its needs and translated the answers that were issued. Certainly they, and all others like them, were fully entitled to share In the glory that was Multivac's.
For decades, Multivac had helped design the ships and plot the trajectories that enabled man to reach the Moon, Mars, and Venus, but past that, Earth's poor resources could not support the ships. Too much energy was needed for the long trips. Earth exploited its coal and uranium with increasing efficiency, but there was only so much of both.
But slowly Multivac learned enough to answer deeper questions more fundamentally, and on May 14, 2061, what had been theory, became fact.
The energy of the sun was stored, converted, and utilized directly on a planet-wide scale. All Earth turned off its burning coal, its fissioning uranium, and flipped the switch that connected all of it to a small station, one mile in diameter, circling the Earth at half the distance of the Moon. All Earth ran by invisible beams of sunpower.
Seven days had not sufficed to dim the glory of it and Adell and Lupov finally managed to escape from the public function, and to meet in quiet where no one would think of looking for them, in the deserted underground chambers, where portions of the mighty buried body of Multivac showed. Unattended, idling, sorting data with contented lazy clickings, Multivac, too, had earned its vacation and the boys appreciated that. They had no intention, originally, of disturbing it.
They had brought a bottle with them, and their only concern at the moment was to relax in the company of each other and the bottle.
"It's amazing when you think of it," said Adell. His broad face had lines of weariness in it, and he stirred his drink slowly with a glass rod, watching the cubes of ice slur clumsily about. "All the energy we can possibly ever use for free. Enough energy, if we wanted to draw on it, to melt all Earth into a big drop of impure liquid iron, and still never miss the energy so used. All the energy we could ever use, forever and forever and forever."
Lupov cocked his head sideways. He had a trick of doing that when he wanted to be contrary, and he wanted to be contrary now, partly because he had had to carry the ice and glassware. "Not forever," he said.
"Oh, hell, just about forever. Till the sun runs down, Bert."
"That's not forever."
"All right, then. Billions and billions of years. Twenty billion, maybe. Are you satisfied?"
Lupov put his fingers through his thinning hair as though to reassure himself that some was still left and sipped gently at his own drink. "Twenty billion years isn't forever."
"Will, it will last our time, won't it?"
"So would the coal and uranium."
"All right, but now we can hook up each individual spaceship to the Solar Station, and it can go to Pluto and back a million times without ever worrying about fuel. You can't do THAT on coal and uranium. Ask Multivac, if you don't believe me."
"I don't have to ask Multivac. I know that."
"Then stop running down what Multivac's done for us," said Adell, blazing up. "It did all right."
"Who says it didn't? What I say is that a sun won't last forever. That's all I'm saying. We're safe for twenty billion years, but then what?" Lupov pointed a slightly shaky finger at the other. "And don't say we'll switch to another sun."
There was silence for a while. Adell put his glass to his lips only occasionally, and Lupov's eyes slowly closed. They rested.
Then Lupov's eyes snapped open. "You're thinking we'll switch to another sun when ours is done, aren't you?"
"I'm not thinking."
"Sure you are. You're weak on logic, that's the trouble with you. You're like the guy in the story who was caught in a sudden shower and Who ran to a grove of trees and got under one. He wasn't worried, you see, because he figured when one tree got wet through, he would just get under another one."
"I get it," said Adell. "Don't shout. When the sun is done, the other stars will be gone, too."
"Darn right they will," muttered Lupov. "It all had a beginning in the original cosmic explosion, whatever that was, and it'll all have an end when all the stars run down. Some run down faster than others. Hell, the giants won't last a hundred million years. The sun will last twenty billion years and maybe the dwarfs will last a hundred billion for all the good they are. But just give us a trillion years and everything will be dark. Entropy has to increase to maximum, that's all."
"I know all about entropy," said Adell, standing on his dignity.
"The hell you do."
"I know as much as you do."
"Then you know everything's got to run down someday."
"All right. Who says they won't?"
"You did, you poor sap. You said we had all the energy we needed, forever. You said 'forever.'"
"It was Adell's turn to be contrary. "Maybe we can build things up again someday," he said.
"Never."
"Why not? Someday."
"Never."
"Ask Multivac."
"You ask Multivac. I dare you. Five dollars says it can't be done."
Adell was just drunk enough to try, just sober enough to be able to phrase the necessary symbols and operations into a question which, in words, might have corresponded to this: Will mankind one day without the net expenditure of energy be able to restore the sun to its full youthfulness even after it had died of old age?
Or maybe it could be put more simply like this: How can the net amount of entropy of the universe be massively decreased?
Multivac fell dead and silent. The slow flashing of lights ceased, the distant sounds of clicking relays ended.
Then, just as the frightened technicians felt they could hold their breath no longer, there was a sudden springing to life of the teletype attached to that portion of Multivac. Five words were printed: INSUFFICIENT DATA FOR MEANINGFUL ANSWER.
"No bet," whispered Lupov. They left hurriedly.
By next morning, the two, plagued with throbbing head and cottony mouth, had forgotten about the incident.
[read full story]
Alexander Adell and Bertram Lupov were two of the faithful attendants of Multivac. As well as any human beings could, they knew what lay behind the cold, clicking, flashing face -- miles and miles of face -- of that giant computer. They had at least a vague notion of the general plan of relays and circuits that had long since grown past the point where any single human could possibly have a firm grasp of the whole.
Multivac was self-adjusting and self-correcting. It had to be, for nothing human could adjust and correct it quickly enough or even adequately enough -- so Adell and Lupov attended the monstrous giant only lightly and superficially, yet as well as any men could. They fed it data, adjusted questions to its needs and translated the answers that were issued. Certainly they, and all others like them, were fully entitled to share In the glory that was Multivac's.
For decades, Multivac had helped design the ships and plot the trajectories that enabled man to reach the Moon, Mars, and Venus, but past that, Earth's poor resources could not support the ships. Too much energy was needed for the long trips. Earth exploited its coal and uranium with increasing efficiency, but there was only so much of both.
But slowly Multivac learned enough to answer deeper questions more fundamentally, and on May 14, 2061, what had been theory, became fact.
The energy of the sun was stored, converted, and utilized directly on a planet-wide scale. All Earth turned off its burning coal, its fissioning uranium, and flipped the switch that connected all of it to a small station, one mile in diameter, circling the Earth at half the distance of the Moon. All Earth ran by invisible beams of sunpower.
Seven days had not sufficed to dim the glory of it and Adell and Lupov finally managed to escape from the public function, and to meet in quiet where no one would think of looking for them, in the deserted underground chambers, where portions of the mighty buried body of Multivac showed. Unattended, idling, sorting data with contented lazy clickings, Multivac, too, had earned its vacation and the boys appreciated that. They had no intention, originally, of disturbing it.
They had brought a bottle with them, and their only concern at the moment was to relax in the company of each other and the bottle.
"It's amazing when you think of it," said Adell. His broad face had lines of weariness in it, and he stirred his drink slowly with a glass rod, watching the cubes of ice slur clumsily about. "All the energy we can possibly ever use for free. Enough energy, if we wanted to draw on it, to melt all Earth into a big drop of impure liquid iron, and still never miss the energy so used. All the energy we could ever use, forever and forever and forever."
Lupov cocked his head sideways. He had a trick of doing that when he wanted to be contrary, and he wanted to be contrary now, partly because he had had to carry the ice and glassware. "Not forever," he said.
"Oh, hell, just about forever. Till the sun runs down, Bert."
"That's not forever."
"All right, then. Billions and billions of years. Twenty billion, maybe. Are you satisfied?"
Lupov put his fingers through his thinning hair as though to reassure himself that some was still left and sipped gently at his own drink. "Twenty billion years isn't forever."
"Will, it will last our time, won't it?"
"So would the coal and uranium."
"All right, but now we can hook up each individual spaceship to the Solar Station, and it can go to Pluto and back a million times without ever worrying about fuel. You can't do THAT on coal and uranium. Ask Multivac, if you don't believe me."
"I don't have to ask Multivac. I know that."
"Then stop running down what Multivac's done for us," said Adell, blazing up. "It did all right."
"Who says it didn't? What I say is that a sun won't last forever. That's all I'm saying. We're safe for twenty billion years, but then what?" Lupov pointed a slightly shaky finger at the other. "And don't say we'll switch to another sun."
There was silence for a while. Adell put his glass to his lips only occasionally, and Lupov's eyes slowly closed. They rested.
Then Lupov's eyes snapped open. "You're thinking we'll switch to another sun when ours is done, aren't you?"
"I'm not thinking."
"Sure you are. You're weak on logic, that's the trouble with you. You're like the guy in the story who was caught in a sudden shower and Who ran to a grove of trees and got under one. He wasn't worried, you see, because he figured when one tree got wet through, he would just get under another one."
"I get it," said Adell. "Don't shout. When the sun is done, the other stars will be gone, too."
"Darn right they will," muttered Lupov. "It all had a beginning in the original cosmic explosion, whatever that was, and it'll all have an end when all the stars run down. Some run down faster than others. Hell, the giants won't last a hundred million years. The sun will last twenty billion years and maybe the dwarfs will last a hundred billion for all the good they are. But just give us a trillion years and everything will be dark. Entropy has to increase to maximum, that's all."
"I know all about entropy," said Adell, standing on his dignity.
"The hell you do."
"I know as much as you do."
"Then you know everything's got to run down someday."
"All right. Who says they won't?"
"You did, you poor sap. You said we had all the energy we needed, forever. You said 'forever.'"
"It was Adell's turn to be contrary. "Maybe we can build things up again someday," he said.
"Never."
"Why not? Someday."
"Never."
"Ask Multivac."
"You ask Multivac. I dare you. Five dollars says it can't be done."
Adell was just drunk enough to try, just sober enough to be able to phrase the necessary symbols and operations into a question which, in words, might have corresponded to this: Will mankind one day without the net expenditure of energy be able to restore the sun to its full youthfulness even after it had died of old age?
Or maybe it could be put more simply like this: How can the net amount of entropy of the universe be massively decreased?
Multivac fell dead and silent. The slow flashing of lights ceased, the distant sounds of clicking relays ended.
Then, just as the frightened technicians felt they could hold their breath no longer, there was a sudden springing to life of the teletype attached to that portion of Multivac. Five words were printed: INSUFFICIENT DATA FOR MEANINGFUL ANSWER.
"No bet," whispered Lupov. They left hurriedly.
By next morning, the two, plagued with throbbing head and cottony mouth, had forgotten about the incident.
[read full story]
To know it is to need it. To be entranced by the seductive power and the free miles to take you anywhere. Unconditional feel good. With desire so strong your scalp tingles caress your body with warm chills. Intensity that makes your eyes feel pleasure. Lush fire beaming so powerful from the depth of your core you can taste it. So overwhelming your heart tickles.
A force.
It makes signing your will over feel like a steal.
How can the pain be appreciated with out the pleasure? It breaks from your core
A force.
It makes signing your will over feel like a steal.
How can the pain be appreciated with out the pleasure? It breaks from your core
I hate that everything is so foreign now. I don't give a fuck about what anyone thinks. People judge. 'It was just a dog', FUCK YOU!
In your eyes, I'm weak. You can go fuck yourselves. I was fortunate enough to have such a purely innocent and perfectly good friend to grace my life, regardless of species. I could never explain the impact that that dude had on my life.
I realize now how completely alone I am now. I used to believe that I was ok without friends and companionship. Now I realize how untrue that was. Just a dog? Fuck You! He was a blessing to me. He made me genuinely smile and laugh out loud. Even when I had a spike in my arm he would come up to me, while injecting, and rub his head against me.
I want to join him. I want to learn such goodness. I want to apologize.
I have nothing to hold me back from the fucking ridiculous and sometimes violent things I want to do. I have no purpose.
I should simply be grateful to be blessed with such goodness. Such loyalty. Such friendship.
Many don't experience this.
I miss my friend and I feel so lost and unpredictable now.
I have no reason to not pursue the self-hatred I feel. He gave me purpose and now I have nothing to believe in.
I fear I may not recover from this. It hurts and I cry often now that he's gone.
I feel weak, cowardly and alone now that he's not here and I can't take it. I just fucking miss him so fucking much.
I stick needles in myself, I drink, I smoke, I just don't give a fuck.
I want the privilege of dying. He earned his place with the gods. Me? Not at all. I am a weak motherfucker who runs from life and its responsibilities.
All I know is that I miss you, Shaman. I NEVER had such a friend before. Those in my life now who claim to be friends have no fucking idea what friendship is.
Fuck! I miss you my friend. Soon, hopefully... I will earn the right to die as well.
In your eyes, I'm weak. You can go fuck yourselves. I was fortunate enough to have such a purely innocent and perfectly good friend to grace my life, regardless of species. I could never explain the impact that that dude had on my life.
I realize now how completely alone I am now. I used to believe that I was ok without friends and companionship. Now I realize how untrue that was. Just a dog? Fuck You! He was a blessing to me. He made me genuinely smile and laugh out loud. Even when I had a spike in my arm he would come up to me, while injecting, and rub his head against me.
I want to join him. I want to learn such goodness. I want to apologize.
I have nothing to hold me back from the fucking ridiculous and sometimes violent things I want to do. I have no purpose.
I should simply be grateful to be blessed with such goodness. Such loyalty. Such friendship.
Many don't experience this.
I miss my friend and I feel so lost and unpredictable now.
I have no reason to not pursue the self-hatred I feel. He gave me purpose and now I have nothing to believe in.
I fear I may not recover from this. It hurts and I cry often now that he's gone.
I feel weak, cowardly and alone now that he's not here and I can't take it. I just fucking miss him so fucking much.
I stick needles in myself, I drink, I smoke, I just don't give a fuck.
I want the privilege of dying. He earned his place with the gods. Me? Not at all. I am a weak motherfucker who runs from life and its responsibilities.
All I know is that I miss you, Shaman. I NEVER had such a friend before. Those in my life now who claim to be friends have no fucking idea what friendship is.
Fuck! I miss you my friend. Soon, hopefully... I will earn the right to die as well.
7-8 days, 60 miles solo; 10,000 foot elevation gain, peak 2 summits.
forecast temp 90s in the day, 20s at night. thunderstorms forecast
7000cc macpac
trekking poles
ice axe
crampons
2 tarps 6x8'
50' jute
20' fishing line
2 small lead sinkers
5 fish hooks (there are glacier fed streams with trout)
30degree sleeping bag
bivy
matches
1/2 lb dates
1/2 # almonds
6 packets tuna
12 cliff bars
1 # beef jerky
1/2 # manchego cheese
1/2 # salami
1/2 # granola
6 pieces flat bread
1/2 powdered soy milk
1/2 dry gatorade
1 pouch Peruvian coca leaves and lime -- for altitude, fatigue, vitamin source, energy, and to improve my mood
6 caffeine pills - I am addicted to caffeine and need to pills to ward off the migraine that sudden withdrawal will initiate.
12 vitamin C pills
6 multi vitamins
book and some molecular biology aritcles to read
sketch book
pencil, pen
1 digital camera
garmin gps?
map that I drew
headlight
2 AAA batteries
8 AA batteries
water sterilyzer
1 gallon water
8 oz sunblockk spf 50
broad brimmed hat
balaclava
parka shell
wool snow pants
wool long underwear
1 pair briefs
1 silk undershirt
wool shirt
wool gloves
khaki desert pants
khaki desert shirt
socks 1 pair heavy wool, 1 pair light wook, 1 pair cotton
sandals
boots
I will take photos. I don't thnk I need that much food...
What am I forgetting?
Sun Glasses
So long
forecast temp 90s in the day, 20s at night. thunderstorms forecast
7000cc macpac
trekking poles
ice axe
crampons
2 tarps 6x8'
50' jute
20' fishing line
2 small lead sinkers
5 fish hooks (there are glacier fed streams with trout)
30degree sleeping bag
bivy
matches
1/2 lb dates
1/2 # almonds
6 packets tuna
12 cliff bars
1 # beef jerky
1/2 # manchego cheese
1/2 # salami
1/2 # granola
6 pieces flat bread
1/2 powdered soy milk
1/2 dry gatorade
1 pouch Peruvian coca leaves and lime -- for altitude, fatigue, vitamin source, energy, and to improve my mood
6 caffeine pills - I am addicted to caffeine and need to pills to ward off the migraine that sudden withdrawal will initiate.
12 vitamin C pills
6 multi vitamins
book and some molecular biology aritcles to read
sketch book
pencil, pen
1 digital camera
garmin gps?
map that I drew
headlight
2 AAA batteries
8 AA batteries
water sterilyzer
1 gallon water
8 oz sunblockk spf 50
broad brimmed hat
balaclava
parka shell
wool snow pants
wool long underwear
1 pair briefs
1 silk undershirt
wool shirt
wool gloves
khaki desert pants
khaki desert shirt
socks 1 pair heavy wool, 1 pair light wook, 1 pair cotton
sandals
boots
I will take photos. I don't thnk I need that much food...
What am I forgetting?
Sun Glasses
So long
Today is Saturday, August 7, 2010 and it is now 901AM here in the South Bronx, New York City, USA.
Recap: Talking about Western men bullshitting online with gullible Filipinas and a specific case in my village.
This entry: As I was saying, it goes both ways. Sometimes a transexual will post a photo, and develop an online relationship. Ladyboys as they are called in Thailand though now that phrase has made its way to the Philippines.
I love watching shows like the kind shown on National Geographic Channel? It's great that we have it in Manila, wish we could get it on Mindanao cable as well but...
On 1 show they were talking about "weird shit" and they were saying, in that deep faux King's English they like to use: "In Indonesia there are males, there are females, but unlike the rest of the world Indonesia also has 2 more genders..." I spit out my soup on that one. What kind of fucking nonsense are they on about?
According to them the Hindus on Bali have 2 additional genders. Seeing as how I have spent a significant amount of time there my "bullshit meter" redlined. However, sometimes we can be someplace our whole lives and not understand the small currents around us, so who can say?
In the Philippines, online, the more usual scenario is some woman claiming she is single when in reality she has a husband and 5 kids. Hahahaha, look at me? I got played like that IN PERSON (with Jackie) so imagine online? The thing though? Jackie was, as far as I can make out, sincere, just didn't want to let me know that part of her because she correctly surmised that I would have never have looked at her had I known she was still in her relationship with a baby several months old. With the internet though the women almost always do it for money.
The Western man thinks, well 200 US Dollars a month isn't much, send it to her and better her life, etc, but she is picking up that money and buying her husband shit.
I was gonna open a private detective type thing, investigating women for internet casanovas, and in fact some smart expats already run a couple of companies like that but in the end I make enough money, travel too much as it is, so why bother? A part of me would find it exciting to wreck some lives while doing some good for the men being played.
Then I began reading these mens' stories and sadly, I felt they needed to be robbed as stupid as they were. You have enough money to support some woman you have never met but can't get your white ass on a plane and see her in the flesh? Though, in fairness, even that is no guarantee as to her character, etc. It is not as if her husband of BF will come to the airport with her.
My mind goes back to a case I often think about, Guillermo Sobero, a Peruvian/American from Corona, California. 38, on his 2nd marriage, and 3 kids from 2 months to 4 years old, he falls for some Filipina online.
The girl, Fe, worked in a gift shoppe at a resort called "Dos Palmas" at Honda Bay on the island of Palawan. Guillermo left his waterproofing business for a vacation, told his wife that he had to attend a seminar in Las Vegas, related to his work. He had a nice trip to Asia and ended up during that week proposing to 18 year old Fe.
For 2 years they kept it going online and he even told his wife it was over, though he didn't say why. In August of 2001 he flew to Palawan again, this time getting a room with Fe.
On Sunday, August 27th they were awakened by someone kicking in their door. Abu Sayyaf, a terrorist organisation had come calling. Making them get dressed, they made them walk out on the dock to a waiting cigarette boat, the super fast smuggling boats...
3 days later, having transferred to a fishing trawler they ended up on Basilan Island, a province of Mindanao. Guillermo was addicted to methadone and valium (diazepam) and began going into double withdrawal.
On Basilan the army was chasing them so they took cover in a hospital in Lamitan. Before the Abu Sayyaf and hostages escaped before dawn Guillermo was shot in the foot. So now here he is in fucked up condition from methadone and valium withdrawal and to boot, he has a bullet in his foot. Imagine?
Within 4 days they cut off his head, and the following week little Fe agreed to marry one of the terrorists, "marriage" consisting of her saying, "I am your wife" since the man was a Muslim. Life is funny.
Indeed, it was that whole episode, in which other female hostages became "brides" as well that almost caused me to kill 3 soldiers at a checkpoint on National Hiway 1 village south of us. It was late at night, they weren't in full uniform and Rizza was next to me. Imagine IF I had killed 3 soldiers for her? For what? Life IS funny for sure.
Anyway,so much bullshit online, I could never get into that online dating crap. There was a time though, when I came for my HCV (Hep-C) treatment, when a cousin asked me how he could meet a Filipina. I told him to get his lazy Jewish ass on a plane. He pressured me and after awhile I decided to get him off of my back by looking for a penpal to keep him occupied. Since Rizza and I were breaking up I didn't want to introduce him to a girl I actually knew, which would have meant someone in the village. I found him some penpal thing, can't even remember how. He was 21 so I guess it was his speed, I never followed up with him though.
Me? I don't know what I will do in that area myself, meaning women. I haven't touched Jackie since learning the truth. She swears she is so in love with me but then she swore many things, none of which turned out to be true. On the other hand, she has been consistent since moving to Quezon City.
I suppose all things considered, I have time to work that out but I am definitely not trying to complicate things by finding yet another woman...though...if I ever find that girl from the "Give It" video, by Out of Body Special (a Filipino funk fusion band), or that girl who worked the Wire Counter at Canadien[sic] Bank on Monviong Blvd.in Pnohm Pehn...or that teenaged girl at the bus terminal in Monkayo in ComVal Province...hahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahah...go figure.
I tried getting a new doctor in Quezon City, to write for me? I discovered yet another reason to hate Americans but will save all that for the next entry.
Recap: Talking about Western men bullshitting online with gullible Filipinas and a specific case in my village.
This entry: As I was saying, it goes both ways. Sometimes a transexual will post a photo, and develop an online relationship. Ladyboys as they are called in Thailand though now that phrase has made its way to the Philippines.
I love watching shows like the kind shown on National Geographic Channel? It's great that we have it in Manila, wish we could get it on Mindanao cable as well but...
On 1 show they were talking about "weird shit" and they were saying, in that deep faux King's English they like to use: "In Indonesia there are males, there are females, but unlike the rest of the world Indonesia also has 2 more genders..." I spit out my soup on that one. What kind of fucking nonsense are they on about?
According to them the Hindus on Bali have 2 additional genders. Seeing as how I have spent a significant amount of time there my "bullshit meter" redlined. However, sometimes we can be someplace our whole lives and not understand the small currents around us, so who can say?
In the Philippines, online, the more usual scenario is some woman claiming she is single when in reality she has a husband and 5 kids. Hahahaha, look at me? I got played like that IN PERSON (with Jackie) so imagine online? The thing though? Jackie was, as far as I can make out, sincere, just didn't want to let me know that part of her because she correctly surmised that I would have never have looked at her had I known she was still in her relationship with a baby several months old. With the internet though the women almost always do it for money.
The Western man thinks, well 200 US Dollars a month isn't much, send it to her and better her life, etc, but she is picking up that money and buying her husband shit.
I was gonna open a private detective type thing, investigating women for internet casanovas, and in fact some smart expats already run a couple of companies like that but in the end I make enough money, travel too much as it is, so why bother? A part of me would find it exciting to wreck some lives while doing some good for the men being played.
Then I began reading these mens' stories and sadly, I felt they needed to be robbed as stupid as they were. You have enough money to support some woman you have never met but can't get your white ass on a plane and see her in the flesh? Though, in fairness, even that is no guarantee as to her character, etc. It is not as if her husband of BF will come to the airport with her.
My mind goes back to a case I often think about, Guillermo Sobero, a Peruvian/American from Corona, California. 38, on his 2nd marriage, and 3 kids from 2 months to 4 years old, he falls for some Filipina online.
The girl, Fe, worked in a gift shoppe at a resort called "Dos Palmas" at Honda Bay on the island of Palawan. Guillermo left his waterproofing business for a vacation, told his wife that he had to attend a seminar in Las Vegas, related to his work. He had a nice trip to Asia and ended up during that week proposing to 18 year old Fe.
For 2 years they kept it going online and he even told his wife it was over, though he didn't say why. In August of 2001 he flew to Palawan again, this time getting a room with Fe.
On Sunday, August 27th they were awakened by someone kicking in their door. Abu Sayyaf, a terrorist organisation had come calling. Making them get dressed, they made them walk out on the dock to a waiting cigarette boat, the super fast smuggling boats...
3 days later, having transferred to a fishing trawler they ended up on Basilan Island, a province of Mindanao. Guillermo was addicted to methadone and valium (diazepam) and began going into double withdrawal.
On Basilan the army was chasing them so they took cover in a hospital in Lamitan. Before the Abu Sayyaf and hostages escaped before dawn Guillermo was shot in the foot. So now here he is in fucked up condition from methadone and valium withdrawal and to boot, he has a bullet in his foot. Imagine?
Within 4 days they cut off his head, and the following week little Fe agreed to marry one of the terrorists, "marriage" consisting of her saying, "I am your wife" since the man was a Muslim. Life is funny.
Indeed, it was that whole episode, in which other female hostages became "brides" as well that almost caused me to kill 3 soldiers at a checkpoint on National Hiway 1 village south of us. It was late at night, they weren't in full uniform and Rizza was next to me. Imagine IF I had killed 3 soldiers for her? For what? Life IS funny for sure.
Anyway,so much bullshit online, I could never get into that online dating crap. There was a time though, when I came for my HCV (Hep-C) treatment, when a cousin asked me how he could meet a Filipina. I told him to get his lazy Jewish ass on a plane. He pressured me and after awhile I decided to get him off of my back by looking for a penpal to keep him occupied. Since Rizza and I were breaking up I didn't want to introduce him to a girl I actually knew, which would have meant someone in the village. I found him some penpal thing, can't even remember how. He was 21 so I guess it was his speed, I never followed up with him though.
Me? I don't know what I will do in that area myself, meaning women. I haven't touched Jackie since learning the truth. She swears she is so in love with me but then she swore many things, none of which turned out to be true. On the other hand, she has been consistent since moving to Quezon City.
I suppose all things considered, I have time to work that out but I am definitely not trying to complicate things by finding yet another woman...though...if I ever find that girl from the "Give It" video, by Out of Body Special (a Filipino funk fusion band), or that girl who worked the Wire Counter at Canadien[sic] Bank on Monviong Blvd.in Pnohm Pehn...or that teenaged girl at the bus terminal in Monkayo in ComVal Province...hahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahah...go figure.
I tried getting a new doctor in Quezon City, to write for me? I discovered yet another reason to hate Americans but will save all that for the next entry.