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finally got a new spot; spent money and then some on the apartment itself; also, first, last and a deductible. so def. was a hit to the bank account but its a SICK place w/ all new hardwood throughout, granite counter tops, washer/dryer, porch w/ 6 windows (bright) with a beautiful view of the jacuzzi/pool.

pain in the ass moving, tho. I have all my old furniture in hibernation because I've been "gone" from real life for a bit but it's well worth it to be coming back to what I now have; between MONEY and my new SPOT, sobriety has paid off well. very happy I saved as much as I have in the last 5 months.

ahhhh, feels sooooooooo good to be BACK!

God do I miss living ALONE!

The fact I remembered to do this is very good. This is the last day I will spend 95% of in my bedroom in a week and a half, will get dropped off at dads later, no real plans to do anything until chloe's but pretend I'm well. Physics exam tomorrow, not sure if will even pass it considering I haven't done any revision, I've been too ill. I don't expect (or want) anyone to read this, not that there is anything worth reading, bluelight is just a nice place to remember to stop by daily.

School goes good. Chill with ethan carl and zanders for a bit. dont go with them to smoke weed which is good. Im showing discipline in my pledge, chloes is going ahead tomorow.

I was writing a blog that was long, and I was working through some things. I don't know what happened. The website asked me to log in again, but I had not logged out. My writing is gone. There's no draft, it's just gone.

I want those words back so much. There are changes happening and I was carefully documenting the manner in which life is leading me.

Even in my renewed sense of balance; even with my mind and soul profoundly clear, I carelessly lost my writing. I was washed from the inside out by some cosmic sick that purified through fire.

I worked hard to express what that illness gave to me, but I lost my work and I can't remember exactly what I said. I was searching for words because it's so hard to describe the levels I'm experiencing. I am being brought up through the excrement of my own making in this life to a new thing.

Sad as it is for me to give up on my insights, I will just make a point for myself to revisit. This is the touch stone at the start of the year. Something is happening to me. I'm seeing with new eyes. What I see right now is this: The reason I am living is to live. I understand that life is because it has to be. I know my experiences and my conclusions are not for everyone.

I had to take drugs. I was immersed in drugs. My mom loves to use substances and my father loved to bust people for using substances. My nuclear family was a drug family in many senses of the word. I came into the world and learned from my mother and my father. They both wanted me on their side.

I thought I had outgrown my parents influence many years ago, but my interest in drugs will never go away. I live and breathe pills. Even sober. When I was teaching, I self destructed over the availability of recreational chemicals in schools. I hate myself for that. However, it seems to me that I've been discovering ways to feel different since my earliest memories. I have a lifetime of experience in the arena "better living through chemicals" and I'm alright. I have been shaped, by nature and by nurture, into the person I am now.

It was probably unrealistic for me to expect that I would be able to deny this core attribute of mine to work in the conservative community. I could not sublimate everything about myself to play it straight for the education industry. I was a good teacher, but teachers are not allowed to have any drug issues. I have drug issues, therefore, I could not be a teacher.

I would like to earn paychecks again someday. We are living on very little money and nearly every appliance or fixture is broken and we can't do anything about it right now except adjust to it.

My spouse is disabled, and I don't know how I will ever find a job now. I've been out of work for a few years now. I ran out of unemployment checks a few years ago, so it's been a long time since I had one penny of income.

It's ok though. I want to enjoy what there is, more than I want to worry about what there isn't.

draft

Didnt get back to sleep last night, had to do physics prelim on 3 hours sleep after already being up for 12 hours, not good. Other than that looks like Eirin is rounding people up for chloe's party, Jack told lots of people my house got spray painted at my party at new year which simply isnt true. Good to get back to school I guess, still feeling pretty shit, looks like ill be able to go to the party by just saying im heading to ethans house.

After having quite a good conversation with dad last night, it appears he is unhappy as hell and needs to leave the country, and completly re-boot his life this will mean I will almost never see him, but the only thing that means anything in the world to me is the pursuit of happiness, so it would be wrong to tell anyone else to do differently. The pursuit of happiness is my personal belief that all the universe is, is a bunch of atoms re-acting with each other, there are no such things love, cars, hate pineapples, everything is just a series of re-actions. The universe is vast and what we actually do on our time on earth is completely irrelevant. Therefore the pursuit of happiness is the only thing that matters. For me, happiness is people, being with good people is the only thing I care about, so after new year going so well, I've decided to devote my life to happiness: people.

I swear I experience OEV's in darkness, personally I am very wary of placebos, and am wary to take anything as an actual result of a drug, whether its the onset or the come-up or just feeling strange I hate the idea of thinking I'm high when Im not.

I haven't done shrooms in months but last night when I watched my lampshade morphing into a man and dance to the music I became fairly certain it was real, I see lots of different stuff, dots textures, warps and such. When I close my eyes I see the view of a camera, moving through complex structures and things morphing and changing, last night was probably the worst it has ever been, not that I didn't enjoy it a little.

This morning I woke at precisely 00:59 after going to bed fairly early. I heard the sound of birds, and immediately thought it would be morning. Looked at my clock phone, 00:59, re-set the clock, still 00:59 sudden realisation it was the middle of the night, could still hear birds chirping away, I thought this cant be right and listened closer. No birds. Not a sound. I was a little un-nerved, especially after what happened last night, why would I imagine bird sounds? Luckily a few minutes later I heard birdsong again and still do, which is very relieving. Im still some-what concerned about last night though, feeling like I am on micro-doses of shrooms is not rare, but It would be nice to have 0 side-effects, good or bad after I've finished with a drug, so I hope this deceases over the next few months.

I've attempted revising a little today, I feel like I owe it to my dad, If I'm going out getting wrecked this saturday, I should try and give something back to the world. Getting some sleep now, I'm glad I'm writing again.

The fact I remembered to do this is very good. This is the last day I will spend 95% of in my bedroom in a week and a half, will get dropped off at dads later, no real plans to do anything until chloe's but pretend Im well. Physics exam tomorrow, not sure if will even pass it considering I haven't done any revision, I've been too ill. I dont expect (or want) anyone to read this, not that there is anything worth reading, bluelight is just a nice place to remember to stop by daily.

When i had my ipod, I'd write in a diary almost every day, I managed to keep this up for months, just noting down what ever I did that day, who I was with, what happened etc. but since the loss of my iPod I haven't found a way to reflect on the day. I am hoping for my own sake I am able to keep this up, as good times really are lost in a haze if not recorded.

I guess a lot has happened since I lost my iPod, pretty much everything I have wanted to happen has happened, and a lifestyle I fantasized about has become a fairly grounded reality. My new years resolution was to stop wasting time smoking weed, and although I haven't smoked a thing since new year, I severely doubt ill keep it up, starting with the 18th. To follow on new year Chloe's having another party, there's meant to be around 40 people there, and knowing Chloe the night will deliver. Not going to drink regarding my current state but I plan to smoke as much weed as I can get my hands on.

I haven't left my house properly in a week. As a result my thoughts have become pretty manic at points, but that's partially down to the illness. I'm taking a moment to enjoy feeling OK(ish) after enduring such a bad flu, symptoms are still lingering though...

Spending this much time isolated has left me fantasizing about buying a big bag of weed and just blazing away till its gone, still sounds like a good idea. I haven't had a joint to myself in a year, guess its better to smoke socially than not but I never get the chance to smoke solo, guess I just need to start buying my own weed more...

12/30/2013
I met my dream guy 24 hours ago. I was with him 21 hours. He is Indian, 31, post-doc, tall. We spent time in his home touching, hugging, cuddling, watching comedy, and sharing food. He is only looking to know more about himself and to enjoy company. He needs discretion. He is interested in yoga and meditation. He is 31; it happened to be his birthday.
I informed him about HSV; he asked first.

12/31/13
It feels emotionally satisfying. We discussed the question, what do I want. He suggested a few things that I wasn’t assertive enough to state. A) Someone to be a father to my daughter. B) Someone to have an emotional relationship. He identified A and B, suggested that I need both, and subsequently stated that he can’t be either. Not the best planned approach on his part, and it was painful to hear my opportunities closing, even though the reality of it is okay with me. Today we both thought friends with benefits could be a perfect fit... A nightly routine, with a day off now and then…

A liter of wine and he opened to just what I was craving... Family and the roles spouses play. I provoked him by comparing men and women, to apples and oranges, as women and men are not equal but have simply different responsibilities. The husband’s role is to protect and keep the family a full belly. The wife’s role is children, care for his meals, sexual desires, and generally make his life easy. At this point I nearly lost my ability to speak, and I told him that he is my dream guy, dream husband…

But he is only my Daddy, and I could not have a better one. He’s organically dominant and coming into his true role, his true self. Already successful, creative, intelligent, curious, and seeking spirituality, he has unspeakable potential. I’m going to evaluate in what areas he could improve. I am opening him; I can do it in an organized way to pull his maximum potential into us.

I am learning who I am when I’m in submission. During submission I have a feeling that resembles lack of willpower, but it doesn’t seem like that is what is happening. Afterward, and now 7 hours later I feel strengthened, encouraged, and motivated to do well in my life and maximize my time. (The energy needs to be directed to the right endeavors.) He asked good questions regarding my troubling decision I’m in the process of making.

I’m learning the basics of giving oral now. I feel so open and trippy. I’m playing with his foreskin, he’s taking our media, we enjoy and delete. He saw in full morning light on video how much I enjoyed sucking his cock. I saw actual fulfillment in my expression, watching myself suck him. He is dangerous for my heart if I do not maintain control of my fantasies.

He’s mentoring me. We aren’t planning any of this, it’s organic. Time flies away. We do cooking, we enjoy the same cuisines. We are both creative in the kitchen and bedroom. We have not had sex because wants to research HSV2. Our tension is thick as he’s never penetrated me…

ill be honest, I had a bit of a slip up. I've been riding my bupe at a low dosage trying to get down to 4MG daily and while taking 6MG I was getting urges.

anyway, I run into an old LADY friend of mine at a gas station; she happens to be going to pick up. she asks if I want in and says how good the dope is. I give her $$ and 2 bupe for the favor. she walks away w/ both. I asked her, "what did you drop the bag?". she says, "no, I still have to get it. met me at so and so in 10 minutes". I sure dont miss those days.

anyway, she breaks up the 2 grams and we split and sniff. she was never a shooter so I didnt want to look bad infront of her. so just 12 hours after my 6MG bupe dosage I did feel a bit HIGH from the dope but nothing too serious. I did go home and end up taking a benzo or two and maybe a beer or two. slept well.

but def. regret that TODAY! I am moving forward in life and cannot let one night hold me back. in a SICK, TWISTED MIND that is me celebrating that I have made these changes; I got a new apartment, won a court case, etc. so I celebrate by using what brought me to all these cases? ha.

I used last night around 830PM. I took 4MG bupe this morning at 1015ish. I'll take another 4MG later on tonight and then tomorrow morning back to 8MG.

damn, sucks to slip up but gotta be truthful w/ yourself.

funny.. I've been off opiates for the past 5 months and EVERYTHING has been great; I am in that next step and I am moving back into my own ONE BED which is great; hard wood throughout, stainless steel appliances, granite counter tops, etc. you know, all that fancy shit on TV even tho I dont use any of it.

anyway, I am so happy that I got this place; got my bankruptcy case cleaned, been doing great at work and enjoying it all.. so what do I do to celebrate!?!?!

I GO OUT AND USE TO CELEBRATE! sure, it was only ONE DAY.. but it was ONE DAY TOO MUCH! and here I am trying to tell myself "well, it was only 8 hours after I took my last 8MG bupe, so I felt nothing.". "its once in 5 months, who cars". "im not even shooting, so if I only sniff its not a big deal". "what is $100 bucks out of so much saved".

those all ran through my SICK, diseased ridden head. imagine that? sure, you can say you could have those thoughts about anything, but I had those thoughts of the ONE FUCKING THING that took all that stuff I mentioned I am "getting back" away from me at one point. IT TOOK MY ALL; ALMOST MY LIFE!

I am not saying I am depressed that I used; it made me see things differently in both positive and negative ways.

As I always said, I'd be first to admit right away when/if I ever released.. well, here I am saying I did a gram of dope; but it was only a sniff using a dollar bill - so old school, ha. but as sick as this may sound, it was cool to use the same car book I used to use in this car when I'd always test new dope and sniff off same book.

while high I would just nod, or eventually just pass out.

nowadays I am TRYING to pick-up on new TV shows, places to go, things to do, etc. TRYING being the key word here. I do smoke a lot of weed and listen to music; which is great, dont get me wrong.. but I def. need to find OTHER things to do. I do get a DRUG message board to post on, so thats cool, right? ha.

I can talk about sobriety as I sit here and smoke weed. that make sense? I do have a script, so its cool? ha. well, as long as that dope is NO WHERE TO BE FOUND, then I am MORE THAN CLEAN in my eyes; that shit ruined my fucking life. shocked I am still alive w/ all the OD's, seizures, etc. GOD must want me here for a reasons, right? or maybe he just didnt want to take me away from the family; who knows.

sober has been better, I must admit. well, being away from DOPE I should say. still have occasional beer, smoke weed, maybe a xanny, etc. but NOTHING as if it was the before life where I almost killed myself daily. I have MONEY, steady job, steady LIFE, steady/trusting family. all things I never thought I'd have again.truly amazing what happen.

Another lesson learned on medical discrimination in Americas health care system. Don't get me wrong I understand that when I signed up for this life I was asking to get shit on. But Ill be damned if I am going to pay you 175 dollars to shit on me. I truly believe I know more about suboxone than this geriatric mother fucker. He tried to not write the script because I wasn't in heavy enough withdrawal. When I tried to explain to him that I was already stable on suboxone he didn't want to hear about it and basically called me a liar. I am thinking to myself I am paying you to write me a script nothing more and nothing less. I didn't come here for a drug consultation, drug test or whatever bullshit moral crap you wanna get into. So then he says well Ill write you enough for one week even though my next appointment is not for 2 weeks. He got really pissed when I pointed that out. So I left pretty pissed off. Then I thought fuck it 10 will last me 70 days and I will find a different doctor at a later date.

Then I got really pissed. Not everyone is as educated on suboxone as I am. Not everyone will advocate as fiercely for themselves as I will. Then I thought about my responsibility as a human being to fight injustice where I see it. Then I thought about finishing my degree and getting involved in activism. Then I smoked a bowl and wrote this blog.

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Alright here is an update......
my son is now almost 9 months and doing amazing .... he is super adorable and smart and very friendly... and I am still breastfeeding
I have been applying to graduate school programs... a few phd psych programs and also a masters program in exercise science
At the moment I feel very inadequate a lot of the time because I fear if I were to look for a job despite my college degree I would not be the recipient of a plethora of jobs which I should be proud and happy to work or enjoy working said jobs... also they probably would not pay well
basically I need to go to grad school
asnywho I am doing the stay at home mom thing for the moment because that is where my presence is best served
I also really don't want to be with my son's father anymore... I want more I want to be with someone who I am proud of... and who I love
when I was getting fucked my sons dad was a great match for me because I couldn't do better however now that I am clean I realize that I am attractive and smart and kinda maybe a cool person to be around and I have potential I need someone who can keep up
getting a dui and not being able to provide for a family isn't cutting it

and I feel ashamed that I am staying with my parents but honestly its working for the moment my mom has gone through a tough time and because Jesse (my babyboy) and I have been around it has really helped her. And my mom and I have become super close...

Look i am going to go to grad school so one day i wont need or want my parents financial help i will be able to support myself and my son and then hopefully i will attract the right kind of mate

but.... until then trying to stay strong.... i want to be proud of myself to and living at my parents doesn't make me proud

also am working really hard to get in shape... Get it Right Get it Tight!!!
(i am training for a tough mudder race)

If anyone wants to contact you're more than welcome i'm taking a break for a while.
Take care.

so, was using 12MG and cut myself down to 8MG quickly. last 2 days been using 6MG which I MAY STAY WITH but as for now let's say I am on 8MG and steady. the Dr. still has me prescribed 16/MG but I went to be ahead of their schedule for many reasons. also, the less, the better, right? I also have no problem taken a higher dosage on the days where I am not feeling "right".

just shocked to see how quickly I am dropping dosage over the last 5 months. hoping to be clean within a year but if I am clean and having thoughts/urges, then I rather just be on bupe and have nothing to worry about. we'll see how things go; I have a lot to THANK this board for but I have MYSELF as the NUMBER ONE person to THANK! I believe in myself to get clean, stay clean and live a steady life. I did it before and I can surly do it again; I found a new way to live - a happy life! I am DONE w/ keeping the people/things that MADE/MAKE me miserable OUT OF MY LIFE!

On to the next one...

I'll keep everyone posted when I am officially on 6MG (which could be tomorrow, since it's what I took over last 2 days) and then down to 4MG from there. we'll see how this all plays out.

Now it's about two years later. I started the blog entries one some of the worst days of my life. I changed alot. I don't take much in the way of pharmaceuticals anymore. Just 450 mg lithium once a day. I even stopped blood pressure meds. I looked back at the progression of meds I took and see now how I mistook myself for depressed.

It was because of the blood pressure meds. After I started on them - I started feeling lethargic and lost some ability to keep it up. Then my blood pressure was still high so they put me on two. It took me five years to take another close look at the blood pressure meds and to realize that they were the only drug left which could be a culprit in my lack of self confidence. So I told my doc I was stopping and a year later my blood pressure checked out good 125 80. During that time the lethargy stopped within a week of stopping the bp meds, and my sexuality picked up a good bit.

Each mind drug I took, even some body drugs had bad effects on me and compiled a list of side effects which weren't me, and which pushed me to even desperation at times. It's impossible to fight off a suspicion about a drug effect from inside it sometimes. Here's the list:

(not all at same time)
Celexa
Wellbutrin
Mirtazapine
Xanax
Valium
Meprobamate
Lithium

I was on blood pressure meds and my pdoc was giving me wellbutrin and I was also getting anxiety. I told my pdoc about the feelings of sexual malaise you see, so he gave me welllbutrin which was marketed as alieving that side effect. Instead I developed anxiety and shit started to spiral

I am going to stop seeing even the pdoc soon. It was a five years of mistaken diagnosis's.

I dont know what it is about their music, but it hits me in a way like no other music ever has. I've been listening to them for years, first found them in 1996 for their unplugged; then starting to learn more about them, more about their lead singer Layne Staley, his life style, how he was addicted to dope, etc.

listen to these guys throughout my life has helped/ruin/recovery my life in many ways. in some SICK/TWISTED ways its Layne who always made me think of what dope felt like; then again, my friends were using anyway, so I cant just blame Layne. but seeing how sick he was and hearing how he wants out but cant get out, made me think the same many time.

I always remember using in my finals months and getting my "fix" on and NOT FEELING HAPPY even after I just shot what I did. most people get that sudden rush, or euphoria but I would blast away and just feel miserable because the made I spent to "get by" and knowing I needed more later on, or maybe the next morning. sick thinking of the lies, things I've done, ways I fucked up my own life, all to feed this dope addiction. I never thought it would grab me by the balls the way it did.

Well, here I am at 5 months clean (bupe) and I look back in just awe about my life and how I lived something like that. 5 months is NOT LONG, I understand, but it still blows my mind thinking of what I was doing this time last year. This time last year I approaching my worst grabbing 2 bundles/grams a day and blasting away... taking xanny, ambien, trazadone, and whatever pills I could get my hands on. sometimes I'd get coke if I could; it became just be being a drug cabinet, but I didnt keep the drugs long, I always did EVERYTHING I had ASAP! its why id buy 1G even if I had the money for 2G's. I know I'd use the 2 asap and nod out at work; so I kept it to 1 and 1 for after. sick, right?

blows my mind thinking about my life as I listen to Layne struggles on this unplugged set.

This guy has the money for all the drugs; so they must have just completely sank him. It's not just about money, the dope truly does fuck you up. I just look at pics of many times over the years when I know I was fucked up and I can just see it in my face; it's an awkward sideways smile. my eyes PINNED SHUT and my face just look droopy. def. not a "normal" looking guy. so why would I want unlimited supply if I had the cash? I wouldnt.

dude, its NYE and I am home and just relaxing. sure, there may be some weed being smoked, but I am SURE I will remember this NYE and not have nodded off way before midnight like I have for the last 3 or so years. man, I had a GF too, and she wasnt a user, but would let me just sit there and NOD OFF as the clock turns. its damn sad I was such a shit boyfriend; I feel so bad for the girl but she was NOT FOR ME, which is why I had to leave her once going sober; she reminded me too much of bad times.. and also she knew the junkie me, which was not a good me. so getting away worked great and keeps me sober.

sobriety, well, to a degree (still weed and bupe), who would have thought I'd be so happy on NYE just to sit here in bed and relax. actually remembering and knowing what I am doing and watching BBALL. no girl crying, no me nodding off, w/ a needle next to me, as I hear sniffles from the girl, etc. I was a TRUE PIECE OF SHIT! I am just fucking THANKFUL GOD. truly thankful for what has come.

I hope to stay in this position as long as possible.

This ain't a great time of year for me right now; I'm not a big fan of Christmas, and I think I may have a physical dependence to both phenibut and RC benzodiazepines (or thienodiazepenes, whatever they're called), not to mention the 12 mg of Suboxone I've been taking for around 8 years or so.

Ironically, I began buying the etizolam and the diclazepam to help me get off of the phenibut, of which I was using 150 grams a fortnight. I'm not blaming anybody but myself here; I knew the abuse potential for this drug group - I just felt they were a logical solution to my phenibut problem. I should never have began mixing the two - that's where I really fucked up. If I don't have them, I experience an anxiety so extreme, it's hard to describe, and the most blackest depression I've ever known in my life. So, I feel completely trapped right now and don't know what to do.

Suicide has never really seemed a feasible proposition to me in the past, even during my lowest points; it seemed too messy, too bloody. Let's face it: dragging a razor over the artery in your wrist does not sound easy. I have to admit though, it's been something I've thought about quite a lot lately, because I now have means to make it painless, even easy; I have around 500 mg of pure etizolam, and 500 mg of diclazepam powder. All it would take is to pour the lot into a cup of coffee, and it's game over. It wouldn't even look like a suicide, which would devastate my mum and dad, but an accidental overdose. This isn't something I'm actively planning, but it's ticking away in the back of my mind.

Anyway, sorry for the depressing post, but I just had to get this out there somehow; I'd find it hard to explain this shit to a real life person.

So my ex called Jan 1 early in the morning, and I am in no shape to even pick up. Then calls a couple hours later and I'm coming around and talk for a few minutes. I know this man is persistent when he really needs something, and it's always cash. *Big sigh... "what's up?" See he has bad health problems associated with diabetes and has already had a few amputations, toes, fingers, what's next but it's a bit scary when he said he's got gangrene.

He's hungry and says he has not eaten since the day before. Very weak and struggling to keep awake, states he cannot take his insulin until he has food in his stomach. I'm trying to be sympathetic and cordial (I'm 2,000 miles away come on man, I can't send you money so don't ask) No he didn't ask for money, just if I knew the name of a church that delivers food, like meals-on-wheels or whatever.

No, I only am aware of the food pantry and of course the homeless shelter across the street from where he lives, where I used to work. But no, he can't go anywhere since he's so weak he cannot walk. I asked him to go to hospital, surely they will admit him but he's scared nobody will be able to care for his cat. So I tell him I will call my friend there and see if someone can bring you a plate. This was around noon so I know it was lunch time. But I could not reach my friend after a few tries, lunchtime was over.

Since I've been burned a few times by this person I didn't know what to do or if even to take this seriously. My friend at the shelter didn't text me back. I phoned the front desk but hung up when I reached someone who I didn't recognize and didn't know me. It's been more than 18 months since I worked there. 5 pm rolls around, he's blowing up my phone once again. Dammit, same situation but worse. That's it, I'm calling Sean but I'm scared he won't answer, being the CEO he owns the place and I hate to bother him because he's always so busy.

I thought fuck it, sent a brief text telling him I have a diabetic friend who's sick and needs a plate of food right now and can he help? I was surprised when he texted me right back asking for the address and phone number. My ex ended up with boxes of canned vegetables, fruits, meat and dried foods. I really hope he follows through and takes care of that infection at the hospital tomorrow.

So I finally got an answer as to when I go into this court ordered 90 day residential rehab house. The lady that runs the place told me, "In 2 days, I think." LOL. I'm not trippin, but merely makin an observation that these rehab places are demonstrating crappy business skills at best and this includes these facilities that have reputations of having really good programs. I mean residents say they run a good program, but all I know is they all seem to be flying by the seat of their pants when it comes to the day to day on the business end.

That said, whether I actually get in Monday remains to be seen. I'm not upset or happy about it, I don't care either way because I know whatevers supposed to happen will happen. I just do the foot work and let God deal with the rest. If I do end up going in in 2 days, then I guess it's goodbye for 90 days.

Mom and I went to see the movie Philemena today and we both enjoyed it very much. That was an excellent example of applying the principle of forgiveness. I got a sponsor yesterday, someone I knew from having gone to NA from the last time I got clean. So it feels good not to be living in a fearful mindset the way I had been going prior to September this year. Sigh. I hate to say it but 90 days in jail gave me a new beginning.

Get this. I went to my doc and he is puzzled as hell. My blood work says I am free of Hep C and my viral load is undetectable. He's gonna have to run these tests again cause I've had results that have said otherwise since 1998, yet now I'm free of it. That's it for now. Peace out.

mikeoekim and i have a bet on the september 29th game

wyld 4 x and i have a bet on the november 3rd game

generic mind and i have a bet on both bills vs. pats games (pats win both, he sports a pats avatar, bills win either game, i'll sport a bills avatar)

the liberal media and i have a bet on the raiders season record. raiders win 6 games and i sport a raiders avatar for a week, they get fewer than 6 wins and the liberal media sports a patriots avatar for a week