crystal
i was thinking of her. i dreamt of her. 5 years exactly after meeting a girl who introduced me to crystals.
crystal i met in church, growing up. my mom's church, in liberty.
i'm pretty sure i always had her around, after age 2-3.
she was nice.
i tackled a girl named nicole at church, when I was about 5. the last name i remember hearing from the girl who introduced me to crystals, was nick, in the dream i had the night i knew i wouldn't see her again. it was jealousy. in part. in the dream she had phased me out, and went back to, perhaps, being some chameleon.
crystal and i later became closer. she liked me. i didn't not like her.
she wore a lot of make-up.
later the night after the dream, i heard the name crystal jenkins, and recognized that the eyes of crystal and the eyes of a girl i know with the last name jenkins, robyn's eyes, look similar, in respects. they are different ancestry- crystal is white and robyn hopi/navajo.
robyn introduced herself after i had had a dream about a pyramid, and drew a picture in paint, of it, and posted it in a blog. she told me i am...
the only animal i've ever shot was a robin, with a pellet/bb-gun. i cried and built an encasing/shelter around it as it died, hoping it would save it's life. i think i might have made it into a tomb of sorts, though that wasn't the intention.
at around 6 years old or so, i wanted to be nude with my next door neighbor, christina. she wasn't very excited about being naked, but i convinced her some. i wanted to marry her. very adult feelings/drives, though not so complex.
my first real sexual experience was with chris, or at least the level of it jumped out. he put his mouth around me, when i slept over, under the covers going down on me. we were in the second grade. it was an interesting feeling, that i enjoyed, but when he wanted me to do it to him, i was disgusted by his smell.
then his mom and dad called us to the living room. his dad is a cop. they knew what we were doing, i guess.
i remember i thought i had this fear that i had "aids" from it.
it was the bad smell.
my first girlfriend, krystin, also shared my birthday, being born when i turned one.
we met at marsville- something the young astronauts club did, with some other schools, building a habitat and things for what we thought it might be like on mars, and what challenges we might face. i wasn't a part of this club. some kids volunteered me, out of the blue. i didn't even hang out with many of them, but they wanted me to design the cockpit of a ship. some controls.
held hands with her in the red light, in the habitat.
the girl who introduced me to crystals, Donna, i may have had a dream about her where i had the same feeling, in red light, before i met her. she felt the same when i met her. warm fuzzy feeling when i touched her. heat. acceptance. energy. in the dream i went in front of a crystal, and had an experience.
mars repeats...
krystin was later a girl's best friend- erica templeton's. erica had a child on our birthday, 6/11 , caden, by a friend of mine, who gave me a harmonica not long before, after his uncle- who was like a father, died. we went to a strip club together- this guy and i, and another, whose dad had died only a couple of years prior. chase, the soon father, paid for everything for me. i had my eyes on one- a platinum blond, small chested, with an ass. i can't remember her name, but she let me touch her, and direct her, with seemingly no end to what she'd allow me. many eyes could see, and i could see they didn't like something about it. perhaps it was jealousy, or maybe they thought i was rude, or i don't know. i was on mdma, and she had told me her dad or some father figure had my name. chase gave me the harmonica-his uncle's, later that night.
donna mirrors the feeling i got with krystin-- the warmth i felt, or remember, and associate, and build on. she was new. and it matched what i felt in the dream. and crystals. and mars- the color red, her hair, and she came after another with red hair, who an older brother named mark, and she gave me a marx brothers shirt that was her dads, and introduced me to the mars volta, and arcade fire. oh, and i met her through mark- another mark.
my first ejaculation with a girl happened in a church parking lot, while driving around listening to nine inch nails, as was the plan (her suggestion). we stopped there to make out. she was best friends with my main interest- sara. but sara was with another at the time. song 23. elsa married roman.
another male was mike. and mark.
i started to give mark oral sex once, after i sold him mushrooms, as we began messing around this once. i wanted to experiment, and he has talked about his open sexuality, sometimes expressing certain desire.
there's a large part of my life that i don't feel like approaching.
alisha.
my mom. how they all relate, in my little world.
i remember watching emmanuelle- an erotic show, through the lines on cinnamax, around puberty. then i started hearing the name as i slept in the pews at church.
xxxx
