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so, last 2 days I have been using 8MG and I've felt fine. I was coming from 12MG previous and 16MG prior to that. at the start of it all I was on 24MG but that only for a week before the drop to 16MG came into play.

hoping these 8MG's hold on and play out. I'd LOVE to keep dropping but last thing i want is to get that urge and craving again. so lets hope all goes well.

just a quick update.
What is up bluelight? Well I am happy to say that I have moved out of my parents house again. I am renting a room with a good friend who has a nice house real clos to my job. Its a sweet deal too. Meanwhile the family drama continues. Mom went through my shit back at the house and found my stash of used needles I hadn't gotten around to trashing yet. There where probably 150 needles in the gallon size zip lock bag. Now she is all pissed and she gets so angry over this shit. While I am just over it. We have argued over it so many times that I just have no more words to spend on it. She will never understand and even if she could I never explain. How do you explain Pandora to someone outside the box?

They act like I should be really sorry and beg for forgiveness. For what? Having a drug problem? Sorry I said it once I said it a 10000000 times. Ill never understand what she thinks being a bitch to me is going to accomplish? She gets all sarcastic and tells me I cant quit and all this other bullshit. Well I am quitting because the relapse ran its course. I get bored with heroin after a month or four. And I am bored with it now. I have been clean on just suboxone for the last week and I feel great not a single honest craving.

I am going to be ok despite what people may say. I believe it so it doesn't even matter. Goodnight friends!
dig the knife in as deep as it goes and then just give it one more push. twist it in my back and bury lies upon lies. the last time that i swallow the hook. let the blood flow and drink my soul. take it all til theres nothing left of me. devour me whole. is it just as sick as it always was? just too blind to see the lust? never let your guard down , not even for a second. once you do your whole world views affected. you hand me the razor and i do the work for you. gouging out your name from chunks of my skin. and i just keep letting you push it farther in.

what does it mean when the cozy haze of ignorance is gone. was it ever really real or was i wrong. how do you live knowing the truth when you face me everyday? the soul reflections dirty and unclear. i dont know what im doing here. the sweet sticky drip dries to flaky ragged crust. its the only thing left i can trust.
I am two people.

I am Facebook me, and I am Bluelight me.

In Facebook, I play games and talk to my kids. I post pics of my grandkids, my animals, awesome food I make, gorgeous sunrises, all the stuff that is close to me but outside of me.

In Bluelight, I discuss my fears. I read people's posts about the drugs I liked, the sex I liked, the depression I know too intimately, and the losses I feel personally. BL hosts my inner landscape.

In Facebook, my friends who have passed away have had all their Facebooks become memorials. Friends and loved ones post their grief on the dead person's wall. It is a huge deal. As I have mentioned before, I don't have very many fb friends. I used to have more... and every single one of the friends I had who died became fb pain for me. I mean, to see that face show up in my newsfeed because of an automatic game invite or some shit...

FB will become a memorial for everyone who has a FB account. Eventually my own wall will have posts of grief from those closest to me. I'm sorry to know that my own fb pic will make certain people cry when they see it after I am gone.

In Bluelight, some members have a thread announcing their passing. I don't know anyone here. I have met a few BL people but I'm sober. (I can't even smoke weed anymore because I am broke. I rarely go in the cannabis thread anyway because I thought the moderater sucked. Maybe it's different now.) I don't talk to the people I did drugs with except for one single human being... the person who told me about BL. It's highly unlikely that he nor anyone on BL will know when I am gone, or care. Probably most of the BL members who pass on are just gone and we might notice someone does not post anymore... but that's all.

When I look at my FB friend list, I see people I know and love.

When I look at my BL friend list, I see people who know stuff about me that I never ever want my FB people to know about me.

I have always been two people though. I have always kept a journal. Always. But that shit is private. My first diary is almost 50 years old and has a tiny lock on it. I knew when I made my first entry that I was two people. I was an only child my first 9 years and I had a lot of alone time so I wrote because there was no one to talk to. Pretty soon I realized that I wrote things I could not say.

All that has led to this. My FB me and my BL me. My FB me is my public self, my family self, my socially awkward but well meaning self. My BL self is a continuation of the little locked diary...

to be continued.
I ran into this chick I used to party with at the needle exchange downtown..she's this model bitch with a blinding affinity for shooting coke. She was sleeping at my place one night a few years ago..and I found her in the middle of the night outside digging her finger nails into the sidewalk screaming about how much she hated her father... Yeah, that kind of chick. Anyway, she was looking haggard..that's the thing about the model types. They're already skinny as shit so a few months on the needle and they look like the crypt keepers uglier female cousin... Her voice was all raspy and shit— as if she'd swallowed sand paper. I tried to ignore her..just pick up my works and be gone, but she followed me to the end of the block asking if I had a place to go and get high, blah, blah, blah.. apparently her modeling days of picking up checks for ten grand were over. Now she's just a street urchin. Needless to say.. I passed.
ugh. will be seeing my Subox Dr. on Tuesday at 1PM and then my brain tumor Dr. on Wednesday at 2PM. that will be a long day at Mass General Hospital, ugh! whatever tho, it has to happen for me to get better in ALL ALWAYS! it's just such a long day there. also, I usually have to do a class on Wednesday for Subox but since it's been 3 months I no longer have to attend the classes.

I will be also be picking up a few benzo's from a friend this week; although I am "clean" I still get benzo's here and there. They have always helped me greatly w/ anxiety but my script was cut once I openly admitted to be an addict. I could see if they cut the script by the total pill count but they cut the script as a whole. oh well. now I just pick up a few pieces of a month on the street. no more 90 .5MG xanny for $15. now it's about 10 10MG Valium for $20. doesnt seem as good, huh? well, I dont need them to abuse I just use to kill any anxious time I may have. they sure do help but HATE having to buy them from the street since I am staying away from all that. luckily, it's not the same person as my dope man and it's also someone who has been staying away from the dope but happens be be scripted benzos.

well, just wanted to get on here and complain a bit about the week ahead. I am laying here watching Sunday night Football after smoking a small bowl and thinking of a busy week ahead. ugh. good part is there will be NO HEROIN involved and I will save 100's and 100's of dollars. crazy that I ever did that before.
I just got an email from a lab head asking me to work for her. The project is interesting. It uses stem cells and a synthetic mesh or scaffold to try to grow living retinas taht would ultimately be transplanted into the eyes of blind people with the aim of restoring vision. One of the problems is to get the cells to differentiate into neurons taht can form functional circuity that can interface with photoreceptors, either human or silicon, and from there process the information and then to send meaningful nerve impulses to the optic nerve. The first goal is to get a prep that responds to light stimulation with enough resolution taht it can identity the stimulus. For example, it should be able to "see" well enough to recognize objects and to read very large print or signs. The next goal would be to successfully transplant the stem-cell derived prep into a human eye. The deal breaker though is that the lab is part of an organization close Irvine, California. Briefly, Irvine, and almost all of southern California, is the opposite of what I would consider an ideal place to live in. It embodies many of the things I hate about America -- sprawl, car-culture, conspicuous mass consumption, racial segregation (no blacks in Irvine), and I think is the capital of Tits and Noses. Southern California ranks among the top regions in the country where the most frivolous plastic surgery is performed. And the Republican Party was founded there. A few years ago, I had a job offer to work for a biotech company down there that paid twice as much, but within an hour of getting off the plane at the "John Wayne International Airport," I had been driven into such a deep state of despair by that city experience (including its inhabitants) that I was near suicidal.

Not long before that trip, I had read Hunter Thompson's Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Until then, I had wondered what he meant by "fear and loathing." Did it have something to do with his claimed drug bender in Las Vegas? (I could write pages debunking that one. For example, adrenochrome is not extracted from the adrenal glands of dying people but is merely common adrenaline carried by physicians that has been exposed to oxygen and thus oxidized and turned a reddish color. Contrary to Thompson's claim, the rush is much like adrenaline and is neither euphoric nor hallucinogenic. As far as huffing ether, it would be really hard to do it in public. It's extremely volatile and stinks too much. People would notice and call the cops.) Or was it a deeper commentary on something that's wrong with Las Vegas? In Irvine, I realized the answer. That term is Thompson's commentary on the descent of American society into moral and intellectual degeneracy and hypocritical hedonism, largely due to the greed-driven leadership of those who hold power in America: national and local politicians, military and law enforcement officials, and the heads of corporate and banking enterprises-- and the complacent populace.

The sun sets before 4 and rises after 7. That leaves 13 hours of night. The solar power generation system is so inefficient that I can run an electric light for only about an hour each night. (I don't own the system, and I didn't build it. If I had, it would be able to power a laptop and lights 24/7. The old man who owns it jury-rigged it from the cheapest components he could find in random mail order catalogs. On top of that, he's barely literate, ignorant, lazy, and everything else he has tried to build here is completely jury-rigged, shoddy, and barely works (if it works). I have a hard time dealing with inept people, especially elderly bigots, who half-ass everything they do, don't take care of things, and are destructive; but sadly he's a very typical personality type for this region of the country.) Can I write things like that here? I feel bad for being critical of somebody's personality, but it's been building up, and I feel that I need to vent. Then again, these are all things about himself that he can change. For me, I also grew up in that kind of white-trash family background, but I've made a deep effort to rise above it. Hopefully, I have succeeded to some degree. I can't say the same for him or many of the other people, especially older ones, I have encountered here.

So for reading, I have a couple of oil lanterns, a red Coleman camp lantern that runs on white gas or gasoline or about anything you put in it, some rechargeable LED lights, and some candles. So I sit in that cabin reading or writing by lamp light for hours each day. The eye strain has become painful.

So, I'm staying in town for a couple of days. I left extra food for the horses at the cabin. It's good to have internet -- but, I wasn't completely without internet at the cabin all the time. I borrowed a "smart phone" that was miraculously able to pick up a signal and go online in the mountains. But keeping the phone charged was a problem.

My gf is starting to try to talk me into going down to San Francisco to live with her for a while. I can't tolerate cities, traffic, children, unruly dogs, or television sets because they make startling noises and sudden movements. Loud noises and disturbances put me on edge leaving me in a state where I can't think clearly and am under the weight of constant low-grade anxiety. It's like my nerves are raw, and I can't tune out or ignore distracting sounds or movements for long. I crave solitude. That's one of the reasons I came out here.

That, and I'm disgusted by modern civilization and humanity (with a few exceptions) in general. Specifically, I hate what so-called "development" or, more accurately, sprawl has done to the natural areas. There are so few left, and, at least in the lower 48 states, most of the wilderness areas and national parks are all crawling with people and their unleashed, undisciplined dogs and children doing day hikes or firing guns. "Let's go to the country and shoot guns Pa." Even out here, it seems like I can't walk more than a mile without coming across some kind or road or redneck jeep track that utterly destroys the beauty and serenity of the spot. Strangely, I've read that the construction of a new road through a formerly pristine area, one of his favorite places to hike, is what set off the Unabomber (a former UC Berkeley Mathematics professor who couldn't bear modern civilization and turned survivalist before becoming turning into a killer) on his nearly 20 year bombing spree. As a pacifist though, I would never harm anyone or sabotage or destroy their property if I can't withstand modern life any longer. I would simply walk off a 10,000 foot cliff.

Another thing I noticed is that the forests here don't look right. All of the trees, tall though they may be, have thin trunks, and there's a lot of thorny, jungly undergrowth. It turns out that logging companies clear-cut, burn, bulldoze or otherwise destroy what's left of most of the forests (even supposedly protected national forests and wilderness areas) here every 50 years or so, the length of the timber harvest cycle. Even what's called "old growth" forests are not truly old for politicians have redefined the phrase "old growth" to mean, generally, any tree 50 years old or so. Why? for economic reasons I would guess. To fool environmentalist. They like to claim that they still have a large proportion of old growth forests remaining in the state so they can get away with logging as much as the want. But that's only a guess.

I wonder if it would be feasible to live in Antarctica. Build a house on the beach and live on penguin eggs and seal meat, seaweed, algae, and lichens. I could build a small greenhouse and have fresh vegetable during the summer. With global warming, Antarctica will be tropical before long, and I could get an early start down there.
Yep... the time of year when my back feels like a bag of walnuts.

Goddamit! My back's aching from dragging all those damn sacks around. Back in the day it was a single present for each child - and they were grateful - even if the toys were made of asbestos and lead paint. Ah... the days of sensible health and safety regulations and weakly unionised labour. <3

These days, they want the whole toy shop. It isn't good for a man's back. I don't need a chiropractor to tell me this.

Popped a couple of OxyContin and it did nothing. Ms Claus offered a back massage, but once she's hit the gin, her hands are as cold as Rudolph's nuts.

So what the hell is a Furby anyway?

They seem to be popular with the brats again. Great! We've had some of those ugly things in storage since the last time they were popular in 1998. They look a little different... but we can give these ones to the visually impaired kids.

I'll be back. In the mean time, does anyone know a decent 'masseuse' in Thailand?
This week my father, who is a multimillionaire, told me that I was an idiot and that he didn't owe me anything so it looks like I'm going to be a lot poorer than I thought once he dies (he's 65).
WOW - for the first time in so long life is great, amazing, ace. I don't even want that life of drinking n taking C. That wasn't me. I feel like something overtook my body but there again that would be not taking responsibility for things I'd done n things that happened to me during the past 18 months.

I am back to me who doesn't mind a drink on a social acassion but really would rather leave it n would rather keep fit: looking after my body by exercising, eating right. Going to groups n meeting new people, saying how I feel in order to get what I want without too much conflict eg I bought an expensive jacket from a shop n realised that they had left the security tag on. They started to get anal because I did not have the receipt. I stood my ground n not only did they take the security tag off but also gave me a 25% voucher.

Take care everyone,
Evey xxxx
I have 120 dollars a heroin dealer and a huge tolerance. . God damn why is life so fucked up. Why am I such a pussy? I tell myself that shit everyday. Its not like my life is so bad though. So I sit back smoke a bowl and think fuck how is this gonna end? But it doesn't life goes on you know? That's the scary part this shit could last a long ass time,
I gotta say bluelight is pretty amazing, I mean without it I probably would be severely fucked from my MDMA days not knowing what caused all the issues and possibly still rolling dangerously. Without it I wouldnt have learnt half the things I know now! Just think of all the people not just members but even people who come here looking for answers and how bluelight would have given them the right information.

Think about all the lives that would have been potentially saved, the overdoses that have been prevented, the drug interactions that have stopped... it goes on!

Bluelight is a wonderful site filled with tons of helpful and life saving information, advice and a good place to pass time %)
Recently, I have heard from numerous people I have known. Or if you prefer, people I know but have not been in touch with for a long while.

Mostly it has been former students. But there have been former colleagues, and long lost friends as well.

Why is this happening? I thought as I wandered on into the far end of middle age, my worthiness would begin to wane. What is happening out there to cause young people to actively look for me? I only have 20 friends on FB and those are family, and the friends of my age. I keep it like that on purpose. I'm not trying to talk to anybody. I don't answer my phone, even for family.

Socializing is a nuisance. I don't speak at Al Anon meetings. I'm not trying to make friends.
I got an email today from a kid. I didn't answer. But I started to wonder why I'm being contacted at all. I just never know what to say. That's the fucking truth. I'm awkward.

Just a few moments ago, I got a text from a friend I never see. She said our mutual friend "sherm" had passed away.

Sherm was standing next to me at our friend Laura's memorial last year. The newspaper article about her death ran a picture of us side by side with other friends and loved ones, all holding a candle around the scene of the crime.

Now he's gone too. They were both younger than me by several years. We all had a lot of fun together. He messaged me on FB a month ago. I just said "hey".
I fucked myself good, didn't I?

And guess who I want to hear from this evening.
Message me NOW for fucksake. WTF is going on... shit.just.got.weird.


I get to stay in my home until New Years. My loan is under consideration for a modification.

I was very encouraged by the possibility of being able to stay in the home I've been making mortgage payments on for twelve years when all of a sudden

the IRS slammed our social security check for back taxes to the tune of $500.

How low can my house payment really go under a modification? Now that the government is going to take the roughly $8,000 I owe them from my social security, my house payments would need to be about $17 a month.

_____________________________________


I filled out dozens of employment applications for Christmas help wanted ads. I babysit my grandson during the day so I figured some nights and weekends riding a register somewhere would earn me enough pay to enjoy shopping for my kids and my grandkids.

I did not get a single call. Nothing. My entire existence as a person who earns money seems to be over. I feel that the business world with its human resources teams, its cubicals, its staff meetings, its calendars, its casual Fridays, is done with me.

I thought I would work well into my sixties. I thought I was going to continue to get raises, go on vacations, and have a lot of fun working at the job I loved and spending the money I earned there.

I feel sad. I miss money.

_____________________________________


I cleaned a lot today. I got the tree out of the garage and set it up. The front room and on up the stairs are trimmed with Christmas decorations. I listened to Christmas music.

There won't be presents under the tree.
I know. "Why bother to put up the tree?"
Excellent question.

Because I still believe in Santa Claus and I might wake up Christmas morning to presents under the tree.

She said with heavy sarcasm
.:|

The reason I decorated my home for Christmas is because I have suffered excruciating anxiety the last month or two about losing my home. I do not have to move until after the holiday. I have been given the smallest hope that perhaps I will keep my home.

My personality is coming back to me after having been ravaged with panic.

I am thankful to be in this home this holiday season.
I want to enjoy the sight and the feel of my tree and my decorations.
All that I have now is what I acquired throughout my life with the money I earned.

There is only one thing for me to do now.

Enjoy what I have. Dig what is already here.

I have what I have. That's all that I have.



Five more days, the bank will foreclose on our mortgage, and our home will be sold at auction.

I have never needed a benzo more badly in my fucking life.

I am paralyzed.
Alright, I think it's about that time again.... Every now and then I do a short-term stint with a nootropic in order to smooth my mind's ride back into a better place. I've wanted to branch out a little more, but so far the ones I've used are piracetam, aniracetam, and noopept. So far I've found piracetam to be by far the most effective for me, so that's what I picked up again this time (mere days before the place I got it from put it on sale for 40% off, grr...). This time around the focus of my use will be getting my clarity of thought back since I'm quitting a long period of smoking weed which was starting to have a very negative effect on my mindset. I'm guessing it should provide a good deal of help.

I'm mostly just putting this up to remind myself... but I may update with a log of how it's going every now and then. Today so far I've taken 2400 mg and I think I'm going to take another later, aiming for 4800 mg a day for sixty days, which will deplete my stash. I also took 1200 mg of lecithin to supplement, though I may get some alpha-GPC or something later....

Here's too an effective regimen!
So I spoke to my ex sponsor from back when I got clean the first time. It was great talking to her. I told her about the most likely cause of the chronic fatigue I've had since before I relapsed on meth and pain killers, which the doc thinks is my liver. She told me she's been battling big time with her depression. It got to the point she couldn't work anymore so she can't be available now to sponsor anyone. It's all good, I told her, but perhaps someday in the future when she's better. She also told me she and her husband moved and have a lot of open land for a doe to run around on. I had always told her she reminded me of a sweet, gentle spirit of a doe. Then she said she named the doe TJ and I laughed and said, "You didn't!" She said yes she did and it was odd how she had thought about me 3 days before I called and left her a message on her voice mail after being away from NA 4 1/2 years. Anyway, aside from that, not the usual drama and despair comes with living clean unlike the loaded living. I loved getting loaded, but truthfully I certainly don't miss the bullshit. Sigh. I've given far too many years fartin around with dope. No regrets, well not really as no good can come from it. It's time to break the cycle of self punishment and look at whatever I need to clean up without self condemnation. Still doin daily meditations, prayers, and reading about the spiritual disciplines. I love the peace I'm experiencing at the moment.
I'm glad I didn't give in to the temptation to pop some Rx painkillers even though I had a migraine that lasted 2 days. I've been doing prayer and meditation every day probably since the end of August. Unlike drugs, the effects are more subtle and not immediate but better in the long run. It looks like I will be in a recovery home for 90 days as ordered by the court sometime mid December. It sure is a whole lot easier having to report to a probation officer every 2 weeks clean because it saves a lot of useless wasted energy on stupid fear. That said, I'm glad to be clean. I have wanted to feel the warm embrace of opiates a few times, but knew the price for now is just too high. Also, odd as it sounds I feel a certain responsibility towards my jail house friends in Tank 8 to stay clean. I've kept my promises to them, did what I said I'd do plus written to them. This demonstrates that if I can stay clean on the outside even though the odds say it's unlikely then so can they. If anything, I want to serve as a beacon of hope.
vgoraz went to the store this morning saying he was going to make some eggs and bacon for breakfast. he came back with a filet of fish and light bulbs 8(
Just got through Thanksgiving in one piece...

Feel like I have a sinus infection anyway, but the entire experience has left me feeling skull fucked.

One certain section of my family is messed up beyond words (more so than usual core group), so much so that I tried to distance myself from them for a few years, only for everyone else to make me feel like I was the jerk and it was my responsibility to mend frayed relations. In reality, I just don't have time or room for negativity in my life, my marriage is sacred, and I don't want their bile tainting it. Anyway, I swallowed my so-called 'pride', and, along with an earlier dinner last Autumn, did the holiday meet and greet. Only, for the entirety, I felt my personal space to be invaded way beyond any manner of human civility/politeness. It's one thing if I invite certain people to visit me, but I was inundated with what felt like borderline threats of 'WERE COMING TO SEE YOU'S" (meaning, staying IN my tiny apt that is barely enough space for two people, even when I tried to address how little space we had and that we'd have work, etc...) from the group I have moral issue with the entire last few days (10 + times, at least) to the point where I have a splitting migraine and feel like I'm emotionally drained beyond belief. A huge part of why I live so far away is to distance myself from this crap. That, and being with my husband (same goes for him, funnily enough). I am an intensely private person, and things happened that I will never be able to fully forgive. I know that again makes me sound like a shit, but it goes very, very deep. Even sitting in the same room with one of these individuals took a great deal of self restraint, as they had done all possible to humiliate not only myself but those closest to me.

I know this probably sounds super petty to many, but this person literally is morally bereft and, imo, dangerous to the well being of others. My mom was hospitalized with bleeding ulcers over the amount of stress they caused. I won't even go into what my brother went through.

I know it will bowl over, but I hate how family is supposed to symbolize some kind of unbreakable bind, even when it is not healthy. I do care for everyone's well being, but I care for my own more at the moment. That sounds selfish, I'm sure, but if I broke down what really happened, it would make more sense.

Anyway, hope all is well with others. Love and well wishes to everyone who took the time to read this.

Peace.
Porcelain Doll siting high on your shelf
gorgeous by your self
perfect for everyone to see

Porcelain doll
keep safe my dear
so dont stray from here
everyone wanting to be

Poercelain doll
lifeless whiteface
whats in your soul
emotionless beauty
what falls for the toll?

Drugs tell the stories
Tracks show the lies
but everyone watches your fake painted eyes
Dolly your broken,you bring no more joy
who wants to play with a broken old toy

Moonlight reflects on your pale visage
for years you were lovely
now sleeps in a garage

What happened to you Dolly
How'd you fall from so high?
Were you trying to see him
Trying to fly?

Smart beautiful girl
beloved by the world
At first no one saw..thru her mask unfurled
Now with tangled hair
People pass or stop and stare

They now see and hold apathy or hate
for poor broken dolly
the sight came to late

Porcelain Doll
Your new box is right
Smile now
as they shut the lid tight
As I sit here sober I think back to the thoughts/emotions I went through while using; it surprises me that I have not gotten sober sooner just to be HAPPY once again.

the final 6-12 months of my last run which ran about 3 to 3.5 years, I was so depressed that with each shot/sniff/pill I wished the worst for myself. there were times I would just sit in my parked car for hours by myself and just think the worst thoughts. thats even after the drug was taken/picked up. I'd just sit and think of how I just gave my "friend" $200 for something I am going to put into my arm/nose. how I had a girlfriend (at the time) that was sitting at home KNOWING I was picking up dope but HAD TO PRETEND TO TRUST ME cuz I would only tell her I was running to the store or had to swing by my friends. she knew her BF was a true junkie but she couldnt do anything about it because all I did was lie and yell anytime she'd try to prove me wrong. I sit here and just get sick thinking of what once was done and how I felt.

I'd sit there at work and think of how I can score. I'd look at my bank account and just be sick at the money spent. I'd see what credit card I can advance cash on and then NOT PAY IT back. that's typically how my work day went. around lunch I'd score and then come back and blast away in the bathroom at work. shooting/sniffing in that place was NORMAL TO ME. and this wasnt a ONE PERSON bathroom; this was a bathroom for the entire office (men, of course). and I'd use a stall to shoot/sniff whatever the choice was that day. then I'd head back to the desk and put in some work because now I had THE DRIVE because the dope was in me. as the day began to end I would think of how I need to score again and would lie and not go home to the GF and just come up w/ money someway/somehow. it would be lie after lie until I could pick up. then just come home jammed/high and pretend all was good. as if nothing bad has happened and I did NOTHING wrong at all. legit, I just think about it and it blows my mind.

so many times I would think of other rockstars or celebs who have OD'd and why they OD'd. thinking they had all the money and fame in the world but lost it all to drugs. it always made me think of "what if I died?". I was doing enough to die and OD'd a number of times. most OD's were on my own couch and wasnt taken to the hospital. a few were the other way around. but I saw NOTHING wrong w/ that. I would just say I was really tired that day or maybe it was something else; and I'd truly believe myself and tell others and then just go on about life as if nothing has happened. HOW THE FUCK DID I DO THIS?

Last Thanksgiving I was at the girls house and went into the bathroom before the meal and blasted a dope/xanny SHOT and then snorted/took a few more MG's xanny. while eating the dinner my face actually NODDED OUT INTO THE PLATE. it legit hit my nose and I woke up just as my face was about to smash into the table. and what did I say? nothing. I said I am super tired and that I was sorry. I thought nothing was wrong and that it wasnt noticeable. I left there and fought w/ my GF and thought she was overreacting and that I acted fine. IMAGINE?

the week had finally come where I wanted to TRY and help myself and went to a Dr. the Dr. told me he couldnt prescribed me anything right away until I had certain classes or did certain things; or maybe had to be clean 7 days to get on the nalaxone track rather than sub. anyway, I went home that day to fill a quick script of nalaxone and it was going to be my first TRY. but before that TRY came I decided to have ONE LAST SHOT. I met up w/ a friend and we split 3Gs of the STRONGEST SHIT IVE HAD YET. so we meet up w/ this girl and grab these 3G's. the girl pulls the pins out and blast both of us w/ a half gram and xanny shot; then we take 2MG more xannny by mouth. so, I AM DRIVING and I drop her off and we go back to my boys house; he tells me I am swerving and nodding but I am still driving and we end up getting to his house. once we get there I pull out another pin and he tells me NOT TO SHOOT and that I am too fucked up to do it. of course I dont listen and I blast what we had left. well, hours later I woke up in the ER and had an overdose; they put me in a psych ward because it was taken as a suicide attempt. first day in the bull pen I had anxiety through the roof and they gave me benzo, which I thought was weird considering I just OD'd. well, 2nd day I was moved to the actual floor and started my soboxone script. I ended up leaving there 9 days later and got into a program which helped me stay clean but with the help of suboxone.

to this day I am still clean and it's only been 3.5 months but it feels like years and years .I think back and look at my life and what I can BARLEY REMEMBER and think of all the times I basically thought/tried to kill myself but w/o myself even knowing. I put myself in every bad position you could possibly think of but NEVER THOUGHT ANYTHING OF IT.

this board has actually helped me; although, when I first started on here and first posts I was still using but asking for advice to quit. I also had my last OD after 15 days of joining the board. but from there on it's been great to keep sober. I also enjoy just reading what others had to say about their lives and see how they come along.

I really do wish the best for every body because I have been down this miserable road before and know what its like.. and I also know that MANY of you MAY have it even worse than I had and god bless.. I wish you nothing but the best.
so, my first Thanksgiving sober in a while and it was a good one; I even got to bet on some guys because I actually have the money nowadays to bet.. who would have thought! ha.

anyway, went over my mom/dads house for Thanksgiving and was there all throughout the day. actually sat and watched football w/ the father and was able to stay awake and actually have a normal convo. same goes for at the dinner table w. the rest of the family. typically I wouldnt come out for this holiday or if I did I would try to hide myself because I knew I was high or eyes would be nodding out and didnt want to embarrass myself.

I wont lie tho, my sis and I did smoke a bowl before dinner to make us a bit more hungry but weed is nothing, right? ha. its something I've yet to give up on and feel it has helped me through this sobriety period; although, some will say a drug is a drug.. well, too bad.

tomorrow is Black Friday and I even have plans to go out shopping and pick up a few things for the new apartment. imagine? I am GOING OUT TO BUY SOMETHING OTHER THAN DOPE!? who would have ever thought I would be looking to buy something other than dope? not me.

hope you all had a good things giving and things went well for you and your fam. things were sure good for ME; but the fam is a little whacky regardless if I am high or not.. but I STILL had a good day and its a day I can actually remember and not have to worry about anything.

happy thanksgiving to all! might go smoke a bowl and finished up this football game.
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