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ill be honest, I had a bit of a slip up. I've been riding my bupe at a low dosage trying to get down to 4MG daily and while taking 6MG I was getting urges.

anyway, I run into an old LADY friend of mine at a gas station; she happens to be going to pick up. she asks if I want in and says how good the dope is. I give her $$ and 2 bupe for the favor. she walks away w/ both. I asked her, "what did you drop the bag?". she says, "no, I still have to get it. met me at so and so in 10 minutes". I sure dont miss those days.

anyway, she breaks up the 2 grams and we split and sniff. she was never a shooter so I didnt want to look bad infront of her. so just 12 hours after my 6MG bupe dosage I did feel a bit HIGH from the dope but nothing too serious. I did go home and end up taking a benzo or two and maybe a beer or two. slept well.

but def. regret that TODAY! I am moving forward in life and cannot let one night hold me back. in a SICK, TWISTED MIND that is me celebrating that I have made these changes; I got a new apartment, won a court case, etc. so I celebrate by using what brought me to all these cases? ha.

I used last night around 830PM. I took 4MG bupe this morning at 1015ish. I'll take another 4MG later on tonight and then tomorrow morning back to 8MG.

damn, sucks to slip up but gotta be truthful w/ yourself.

funny.. I've been off opiates for the past 5 months and EVERYTHING has been great; I am in that next step and I am moving back into my own ONE BED which is great; hard wood throughout, stainless steel appliances, granite counter tops, etc. you know, all that fancy shit on TV even tho I dont use any of it.

anyway, I am so happy that I got this place; got my bankruptcy case cleaned, been doing great at work and enjoying it all.. so what do I do to celebrate!?!?!

I GO OUT AND USE TO CELEBRATE! sure, it was only ONE DAY.. but it was ONE DAY TOO MUCH! and here I am trying to tell myself "well, it was only 8 hours after I took my last 8MG bupe, so I felt nothing.". "its once in 5 months, who cars". "im not even shooting, so if I only sniff its not a big deal". "what is $100 bucks out of so much saved".

those all ran through my SICK, diseased ridden head. imagine that? sure, you can say you could have those thoughts about anything, but I had those thoughts of the ONE FUCKING THING that took all that stuff I mentioned I am "getting back" away from me at one point. IT TOOK MY ALL; ALMOST MY LIFE!

I am not saying I am depressed that I used; it made me see things differently in both positive and negative ways.

As I always said, I'd be first to admit right away when/if I ever released.. well, here I am saying I did a gram of dope; but it was only a sniff using a dollar bill - so old school, ha. but as sick as this may sound, it was cool to use the same car book I used to use in this car when I'd always test new dope and sniff off same book.

while high I would just nod, or eventually just pass out.

nowadays I am TRYING to pick-up on new TV shows, places to go, things to do, etc. TRYING being the key word here. I do smoke a lot of weed and listen to music; which is great, dont get me wrong.. but I def. need to find OTHER things to do. I do get a DRUG message board to post on, so thats cool, right? ha.

I can talk about sobriety as I sit here and smoke weed. that make sense? I do have a script, so its cool? ha. well, as long as that dope is NO WHERE TO BE FOUND, then I am MORE THAN CLEAN in my eyes; that shit ruined my fucking life. shocked I am still alive w/ all the OD's, seizures, etc. GOD must want me here for a reasons, right? or maybe he just didnt want to take me away from the family; who knows.

sober has been better, I must admit. well, being away from DOPE I should say. still have occasional beer, smoke weed, maybe a xanny, etc. but NOTHING as if it was the before life where I almost killed myself daily. I have MONEY, steady job, steady LIFE, steady/trusting family. all things I never thought I'd have again.truly amazing what happen.

Another lesson learned on medical discrimination in Americas health care system. Don't get me wrong I understand that when I signed up for this life I was asking to get shit on. But Ill be damned if I am going to pay you 175 dollars to shit on me. I truly believe I know more about suboxone than this geriatric mother fucker. He tried to not write the script because I wasn't in heavy enough withdrawal. When I tried to explain to him that I was already stable on suboxone he didn't want to hear about it and basically called me a liar. I am thinking to myself I am paying you to write me a script nothing more and nothing less. I didn't come here for a drug consultation, drug test or whatever bullshit moral crap you wanna get into. So then he says well Ill write you enough for one week even though my next appointment is not for 2 weeks. He got really pissed when I pointed that out. So I left pretty pissed off. Then I thought fuck it 10 will last me 70 days and I will find a different doctor at a later date.

Then I got really pissed. Not everyone is as educated on suboxone as I am. Not everyone will advocate as fiercely for themselves as I will. Then I thought about my responsibility as a human being to fight injustice where I see it. Then I thought about finishing my degree and getting involved in activism. Then I smoked a bowl and wrote this blog.

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Alright here is an update......
my son is now almost 9 months and doing amazing .... he is super adorable and smart and very friendly... and I am still breastfeeding
I have been applying to graduate school programs... a few phd psych programs and also a masters program in exercise science
At the moment I feel very inadequate a lot of the time because I fear if I were to look for a job despite my college degree I would not be the recipient of a plethora of jobs which I should be proud and happy to work or enjoy working said jobs... also they probably would not pay well
basically I need to go to grad school
asnywho I am doing the stay at home mom thing for the moment because that is where my presence is best served
I also really don't want to be with my son's father anymore... I want more I want to be with someone who I am proud of... and who I love
when I was getting fucked my sons dad was a great match for me because I couldn't do better however now that I am clean I realize that I am attractive and smart and kinda maybe a cool person to be around and I have potential I need someone who can keep up
getting a dui and not being able to provide for a family isn't cutting it

and I feel ashamed that I am staying with my parents but honestly its working for the moment my mom has gone through a tough time and because Jesse (my babyboy) and I have been around it has really helped her. And my mom and I have become super close...

Look i am going to go to grad school so one day i wont need or want my parents financial help i will be able to support myself and my son and then hopefully i will attract the right kind of mate

but.... until then trying to stay strong.... i want to be proud of myself to and living at my parents doesn't make me proud

also am working really hard to get in shape... Get it Right Get it Tight!!!
(i am training for a tough mudder race)

If anyone wants to contact you're more than welcome i'm taking a break for a while.
Take care.

so, was using 12MG and cut myself down to 8MG quickly. last 2 days been using 6MG which I MAY STAY WITH but as for now let's say I am on 8MG and steady. the Dr. still has me prescribed 16/MG but I went to be ahead of their schedule for many reasons. also, the less, the better, right? I also have no problem taken a higher dosage on the days where I am not feeling "right".

just shocked to see how quickly I am dropping dosage over the last 5 months. hoping to be clean within a year but if I am clean and having thoughts/urges, then I rather just be on bupe and have nothing to worry about. we'll see how things go; I have a lot to THANK this board for but I have MYSELF as the NUMBER ONE person to THANK! I believe in myself to get clean, stay clean and live a steady life. I did it before and I can surly do it again; I found a new way to live - a happy life! I am DONE w/ keeping the people/things that MADE/MAKE me miserable OUT OF MY LIFE!

On to the next one...

I'll keep everyone posted when I am officially on 6MG (which could be tomorrow, since it's what I took over last 2 days) and then down to 4MG from there. we'll see how this all plays out.

Now it's about two years later. I started the blog entries one some of the worst days of my life. I changed alot. I don't take much in the way of pharmaceuticals anymore. Just 450 mg lithium once a day. I even stopped blood pressure meds. I looked back at the progression of meds I took and see now how I mistook myself for depressed.

It was because of the blood pressure meds. After I started on them - I started feeling lethargic and lost some ability to keep it up. Then my blood pressure was still high so they put me on two. It took me five years to take another close look at the blood pressure meds and to realize that they were the only drug left which could be a culprit in my lack of self confidence. So I told my doc I was stopping and a year later my blood pressure checked out good 125 80. During that time the lethargy stopped within a week of stopping the bp meds, and my sexuality picked up a good bit.

Each mind drug I took, even some body drugs had bad effects on me and compiled a list of side effects which weren't me, and which pushed me to even desperation at times. It's impossible to fight off a suspicion about a drug effect from inside it sometimes. Here's the list:

(not all at same time)
Celexa
Wellbutrin
Mirtazapine
Xanax
Valium
Meprobamate
Lithium

I was on blood pressure meds and my pdoc was giving me wellbutrin and I was also getting anxiety. I told my pdoc about the feelings of sexual malaise you see, so he gave me welllbutrin which was marketed as alieving that side effect. Instead I developed anxiety and shit started to spiral

I am going to stop seeing even the pdoc soon. It was a five years of mistaken diagnosis's.

I dont know what it is about their music, but it hits me in a way like no other music ever has. I've been listening to them for years, first found them in 1996 for their unplugged; then starting to learn more about them, more about their lead singer Layne Staley, his life style, how he was addicted to dope, etc.

listen to these guys throughout my life has helped/ruin/recovery my life in many ways. in some SICK/TWISTED ways its Layne who always made me think of what dope felt like; then again, my friends were using anyway, so I cant just blame Layne. but seeing how sick he was and hearing how he wants out but cant get out, made me think the same many time.

I always remember using in my finals months and getting my "fix" on and NOT FEELING HAPPY even after I just shot what I did. most people get that sudden rush, or euphoria but I would blast away and just feel miserable because the made I spent to "get by" and knowing I needed more later on, or maybe the next morning. sick thinking of the lies, things I've done, ways I fucked up my own life, all to feed this dope addiction. I never thought it would grab me by the balls the way it did.

Well, here I am at 5 months clean (bupe) and I look back in just awe about my life and how I lived something like that. 5 months is NOT LONG, I understand, but it still blows my mind thinking of what I was doing this time last year. This time last year I approaching my worst grabbing 2 bundles/grams a day and blasting away... taking xanny, ambien, trazadone, and whatever pills I could get my hands on. sometimes I'd get coke if I could; it became just be being a drug cabinet, but I didnt keep the drugs long, I always did EVERYTHING I had ASAP! its why id buy 1G even if I had the money for 2G's. I know I'd use the 2 asap and nod out at work; so I kept it to 1 and 1 for after. sick, right?

blows my mind thinking about my life as I listen to Layne struggles on this unplugged set.

This guy has the money for all the drugs; so they must have just completely sank him. It's not just about money, the dope truly does fuck you up. I just look at pics of many times over the years when I know I was fucked up and I can just see it in my face; it's an awkward sideways smile. my eyes PINNED SHUT and my face just look droopy. def. not a "normal" looking guy. so why would I want unlimited supply if I had the cash? I wouldnt.

dude, its NYE and I am home and just relaxing. sure, there may be some weed being smoked, but I am SURE I will remember this NYE and not have nodded off way before midnight like I have for the last 3 or so years. man, I had a GF too, and she wasnt a user, but would let me just sit there and NOD OFF as the clock turns. its damn sad I was such a shit boyfriend; I feel so bad for the girl but she was NOT FOR ME, which is why I had to leave her once going sober; she reminded me too much of bad times.. and also she knew the junkie me, which was not a good me. so getting away worked great and keeps me sober.

sobriety, well, to a degree (still weed and bupe), who would have thought I'd be so happy on NYE just to sit here in bed and relax. actually remembering and knowing what I am doing and watching BBALL. no girl crying, no me nodding off, w/ a needle next to me, as I hear sniffles from the girl, etc. I was a TRUE PIECE OF SHIT! I am just fucking THANKFUL GOD. truly thankful for what has come.

I hope to stay in this position as long as possible.

This ain't a great time of year for me right now; I'm not a big fan of Christmas, and I think I may have a physical dependence to both phenibut and RC benzodiazepines (or thienodiazepenes, whatever they're called), not to mention the 12 mg of Suboxone I've been taking for around 8 years or so.

Ironically, I began buying the etizolam and the diclazepam to help me get off of the phenibut, of which I was using 150 grams a fortnight. I'm not blaming anybody but myself here; I knew the abuse potential for this drug group - I just felt they were a logical solution to my phenibut problem. I should never have began mixing the two - that's where I really fucked up. If I don't have them, I experience an anxiety so extreme, it's hard to describe, and the most blackest depression I've ever known in my life. So, I feel completely trapped right now and don't know what to do.

Suicide has never really seemed a feasible proposition to me in the past, even during my lowest points; it seemed too messy, too bloody. Let's face it: dragging a razor over the artery in your wrist does not sound easy. I have to admit though, it's been something I've thought about quite a lot lately, because I now have means to make it painless, even easy; I have around 500 mg of pure etizolam, and 500 mg of diclazepam powder. All it would take is to pour the lot into a cup of coffee, and it's game over. It wouldn't even look like a suicide, which would devastate my mum and dad, but an accidental overdose. This isn't something I'm actively planning, but it's ticking away in the back of my mind.

Anyway, sorry for the depressing post, but I just had to get this out there somehow; I'd find it hard to explain this shit to a real life person.

So my ex called Jan 1 early in the morning, and I am in no shape to even pick up. Then calls a couple hours later and I'm coming around and talk for a few minutes. I know this man is persistent when he really needs something, and it's always cash. *Big sigh... "what's up?" See he has bad health problems associated with diabetes and has already had a few amputations, toes, fingers, what's next but it's a bit scary when he said he's got gangrene.

He's hungry and says he has not eaten since the day before. Very weak and struggling to keep awake, states he cannot take his insulin until he has food in his stomach. I'm trying to be sympathetic and cordial (I'm 2,000 miles away come on man, I can't send you money so don't ask) No he didn't ask for money, just if I knew the name of a church that delivers food, like meals-on-wheels or whatever.

No, I only am aware of the food pantry and of course the homeless shelter across the street from where he lives, where I used to work. But no, he can't go anywhere since he's so weak he cannot walk. I asked him to go to hospital, surely they will admit him but he's scared nobody will be able to care for his cat. So I tell him I will call my friend there and see if someone can bring you a plate. This was around noon so I know it was lunch time. But I could not reach my friend after a few tries, lunchtime was over.

Since I've been burned a few times by this person I didn't know what to do or if even to take this seriously. My friend at the shelter didn't text me back. I phoned the front desk but hung up when I reached someone who I didn't recognize and didn't know me. It's been more than 18 months since I worked there. 5 pm rolls around, he's blowing up my phone once again. Dammit, same situation but worse. That's it, I'm calling Sean but I'm scared he won't answer, being the CEO he owns the place and I hate to bother him because he's always so busy.

I thought fuck it, sent a brief text telling him I have a diabetic friend who's sick and needs a plate of food right now and can he help? I was surprised when he texted me right back asking for the address and phone number. My ex ended up with boxes of canned vegetables, fruits, meat and dried foods. I really hope he follows through and takes care of that infection at the hospital tomorrow.

So I finally got an answer as to when I go into this court ordered 90 day residential rehab house. The lady that runs the place told me, "In 2 days, I think." LOL. I'm not trippin, but merely makin an observation that these rehab places are demonstrating crappy business skills at best and this includes these facilities that have reputations of having really good programs. I mean residents say they run a good program, but all I know is they all seem to be flying by the seat of their pants when it comes to the day to day on the business end.

That said, whether I actually get in Monday remains to be seen. I'm not upset or happy about it, I don't care either way because I know whatevers supposed to happen will happen. I just do the foot work and let God deal with the rest. If I do end up going in in 2 days, then I guess it's goodbye for 90 days.

Mom and I went to see the movie Philemena today and we both enjoyed it very much. That was an excellent example of applying the principle of forgiveness. I got a sponsor yesterday, someone I knew from having gone to NA from the last time I got clean. So it feels good not to be living in a fearful mindset the way I had been going prior to September this year. Sigh. I hate to say it but 90 days in jail gave me a new beginning.

Get this. I went to my doc and he is puzzled as hell. My blood work says I am free of Hep C and my viral load is undetectable. He's gonna have to run these tests again cause I've had results that have said otherwise since 1998, yet now I'm free of it. That's it for now. Peace out.

mikeoekim and i have a bet on the september 29th game

wyld 4 x and i have a bet on the november 3rd game

generic mind and i have a bet on both bills vs. pats games (pats win both, he sports a pats avatar, bills win either game, i'll sport a bills avatar)

the liberal media and i have a bet on the raiders season record. raiders win 6 games and i sport a raiders avatar for a week, they get fewer than 6 wins and the liberal media sports a patriots avatar for a week

Bluelight PLEASE sort the server problems out it is frustrating. Lately every time I've sent an E-mail (PM) or a message n it keeps saying 'server busy.' Please, please, please sort this out!!!!

Evey xxxx

well, sober to me is not on dope. ill prob have a sip of champagne come time but other than that prob. not a damn thing.

I COULD NOT TELL YOU ONE NYE OVER THE LAST 4 YEARS! I just would get dope, xanny and whatever and then drink on top and black the fuck out. wake up the next day not caring about the night before and ready to score my next bundle. kinda sick, huh? needles and dope is what NYE was about; nothing to do w/ the new year and new way of life; it all had to do w/ what meant a lot to me... DRUGS! not family, not GF, not anything.. just DRUGS!

sounds sick, huh!? for years I lost control and now I finally feel I have full control of my life and my being! I know what will happen daily and I know I have no problems w/ sobriety. is that good? will one day all of a sudden I want dope in me? who knows. I never get the craving at all but I thank the bupe for that as well. who knows, tho. what I DO KNOW is that I am no sober for 4+ months and I have been happy as a mother fucker between the money, life, people, job, etc since my sobriety. I am truly blessed and happy I am not addicted to HEROIN anymore. that fucking SHIT killed me for many years. hell, it almost KILLED ME many times as well.

I guess you need deadly OD's to get woken up. sad, huh? well, I am thankful it worked this time and I am thankful I awoken from my last OD.

Thank you, GOD! Thank you, family! Thank you, ME! for being ME and confident w/ what will happen... and oh yea, THANK YOU SUBOXONE! ha.

havent seen dope/high from dope in 5 months. and it legit seems like a life time ago for some reason. just seems weird. its almost like I cant imagine myself using it or even getting it. I AM ON 8-12MG of BUPE tho; so maybe thats what kills theirs urges so hard, but I have other friends on bupe but still score a bundle a week here and there.

whats funny is I think 5 months clean is a long time but I am coming off a KILLER 3-4 year run of drugs w/ dope being the main killer. but yet those 3-4 years are behind me and I need to move on? plus, I was so fucked up I hardly remember any of those days/thoughts/whatever. I legit have blacked out those times it seems.

oh well, just wanted to write this at 810AM on a Sunday while high on weed and just taken my bupe dosage - makes me sound more like a user than a sober person, huh? ha.

Never write a drunk post!

time

Winter solstice is my favorite day in the entire year. I am partial to darkness. So it was with a joyful heart that I went and finished my Christmas shopping this evening. It was hectic, and it was fun.

There seem to be more families each year that decorate their homes and I marveled at this as I drove home with my purchases. I rode through neighborhood after neighborhood savoring the bright displays of color and wondering what it must look like from the sky.

As I drove through the university, my eyes, hungry for more Christmas lights, focused on the blue emergency lights. I have taken Ecstasy at the university on a number of occasions, and the blue lights used to look absolutely stunning there across dark lawn on a moist night while I was rolling my tits off. The memory of those lights and those nights changed me... it was enough to propel me into the next block of lights with new eyes.

I have been trying to some time now to put in to words what the rest of my ride home was like. The lights were warm and beautiful. Santas were loving and generous. Snowmen were smiling and happy.

The above paragraph doesn't begin to describe how I felt. I don't know how to express this!

Regardless. I've had some wonderful times, and I feel blessed.




hmmm... ps. I did not go to the university alone. I had a rolling buddy... the best, funniest, most entertaining person I ever knew. My teacher. My friend.

imagine? blows my mind; esp. on those Friday's where I got paid.. I'd blow my entire check if possible. I'd already owe so much out; the dope man would be getting called/chase. I'd already be thinking on how am I going to get money the rest of the time; how will I pay rent, how will I pay this/that/whatever. I was spending everything and then some on dope; nothing but dope; no food, no drinks, no snacks, just dope.. and maybe a $1 item at McDonald's.

may not seem like much to most, but it blows my mind that I spent just $8 all day today as opposed to the Friday nights I had only 5-6 months back. its crazy, man. if your truly want to change life and go in complete different direction, then trust me.. YOU CAN DO IT. I DID IT. IT BLOWS MY MIND!

people have always said you need a year or so because youre just looking for your next fix, right? well, maybe.

as usual I've been clean for 4-5 months and even week 3 of that I picked up a younger girl and we fooled around for a month but nothing serious. well, now I am closer to month 5 and I think I found a girl that I am going to actually end up being "with". I wonder, tho, if its too soon!?

Its funny cuz I told this girl my life/full story of drug use, my past, and what I've seen/done and she seems to be chill w/ it. her brother is also an ex-addict so she can relate she says. she's also on a lot of medication herself but for other reasons, but some of the same of mine, such as: anti depressants, .25 xanny, some stuff for problem she has (nothing too erious) and then a sleeping pill (cant believe I forgot the name). this chick also smokes weed w/ me and will have a drink or two. so, although she not a true addict, she surly does have that after life/medication life that most of us carry after. the other night we smoke and I said I might take a .5 xanny to just chill and she was like "woah, why would you do that? xannny w/ weed. I never did that. chill". I kinda liked hearing that from her because now I know she's never been THAT bad and even talked me out of taking the xanny while smoking.

anyway, shes completely covered in tattoos like me; she's also has an obsession to a certain band much like I do. I am all about Alice in Chains, and she seems to know them well.. so thats a big PLUS. also, I love The Beatles and she was belting out Beatle songs on the car ride home the other night; so thats a big PLUS too, right?

she seems a little clingy tho at times and talks about being together forever. but at the same time she tells me she has no intention of marriage, kids or anything like that. WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANT AND SAY. another reason why I think her and I see to be pretty on point.

few problems:

1. she lives 40 mins away - it's not too far but its a hassle. I live right outside of Boston and she lives from the city. we both met at the tattoo shop and I facebooked her and picked her up, ha.
2. she wants to chill like 4-5 times a week; I am cool w/ 2-3 times.
3. she still like to go out w/ friends to different parties/bars; thats so not me, esp. at this state of sobriety; although, I still will have an alcoholic drink because beer was never a prob; I can only drink 1 or 2 anyway (yes, a drug is a drug is a drug, chill).
4. as originally said, I am only 4-5 months sober. am I ready for this? I am just in the process of saving money again, getting the new apartment, living a new life, etc. do I need her to be part of it?

so, what do you guys think? I do like the fact that shes from a place/area I know nothing about, so therefore I know nothing about her past and she knows nothing about mine except from what we tell one another, which I hope is the complete truth, cuz mine has been thus far.

It feels like everytime I log in lately I see a memorial thread for a member whos posts I know well. Its wierd when I read enough of someones posts I begin to feel like I know them. Coolio especially I was reading his posts in OD since like 07 when I was still a young pup. More recently I have been seeing Micheals posts in TDS giving great advice and being a huge asset to the site. Yeah we lost some goodones. So the next time you log in look around and marvel at the community we have built it is a truely beautiful thing. I am really proud to call myself a bluelighter. Now yall be kind to each other out there!

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