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Bluelight PLEASE sort the server problems out it is frustrating. Lately every time I've sent an E-mail (PM) or a message n it keeps saying 'server busy.' Please, please, please sort this out!!!!

Evey xxxx

well, sober to me is not on dope. ill prob have a sip of champagne come time but other than that prob. not a damn thing.

I COULD NOT TELL YOU ONE NYE OVER THE LAST 4 YEARS! I just would get dope, xanny and whatever and then drink on top and black the fuck out. wake up the next day not caring about the night before and ready to score my next bundle. kinda sick, huh? needles and dope is what NYE was about; nothing to do w/ the new year and new way of life; it all had to do w/ what meant a lot to me... DRUGS! not family, not GF, not anything.. just DRUGS!

sounds sick, huh!? for years I lost control and now I finally feel I have full control of my life and my being! I know what will happen daily and I know I have no problems w/ sobriety. is that good? will one day all of a sudden I want dope in me? who knows. I never get the craving at all but I thank the bupe for that as well. who knows, tho. what I DO KNOW is that I am no sober for 4+ months and I have been happy as a mother fucker between the money, life, people, job, etc since my sobriety. I am truly blessed and happy I am not addicted to HEROIN anymore. that fucking SHIT killed me for many years. hell, it almost KILLED ME many times as well.

I guess you need deadly OD's to get woken up. sad, huh? well, I am thankful it worked this time and I am thankful I awoken from my last OD.

Thank you, GOD! Thank you, family! Thank you, ME! for being ME and confident w/ what will happen... and oh yea, THANK YOU SUBOXONE! ha.

havent seen dope/high from dope in 5 months. and it legit seems like a life time ago for some reason. just seems weird. its almost like I cant imagine myself using it or even getting it. I AM ON 8-12MG of BUPE tho; so maybe thats what kills theirs urges so hard, but I have other friends on bupe but still score a bundle a week here and there.

whats funny is I think 5 months clean is a long time but I am coming off a KILLER 3-4 year run of drugs w/ dope being the main killer. but yet those 3-4 years are behind me and I need to move on? plus, I was so fucked up I hardly remember any of those days/thoughts/whatever. I legit have blacked out those times it seems.

oh well, just wanted to write this at 810AM on a Sunday while high on weed and just taken my bupe dosage - makes me sound more like a user than a sober person, huh? ha.

Never write a drunk post!

time

Winter solstice is my favorite day in the entire year. I am partial to darkness. So it was with a joyful heart that I went and finished my Christmas shopping this evening. It was hectic, and it was fun.

There seem to be more families each year that decorate their homes and I marveled at this as I drove home with my purchases. I rode through neighborhood after neighborhood savoring the bright displays of color and wondering what it must look like from the sky.

As I drove through the university, my eyes, hungry for more Christmas lights, focused on the blue emergency lights. I have taken Ecstasy at the university on a number of occasions, and the blue lights used to look absolutely stunning there across dark lawn on a moist night while I was rolling my tits off. The memory of those lights and those nights changed me... it was enough to propel me into the next block of lights with new eyes.

I have been trying to some time now to put in to words what the rest of my ride home was like. The lights were warm and beautiful. Santas were loving and generous. Snowmen were smiling and happy.

The above paragraph doesn't begin to describe how I felt. I don't know how to express this!

Regardless. I've had some wonderful times, and I feel blessed.




hmmm... ps. I did not go to the university alone. I had a rolling buddy... the best, funniest, most entertaining person I ever knew. My teacher. My friend.

imagine? blows my mind; esp. on those Friday's where I got paid.. I'd blow my entire check if possible. I'd already owe so much out; the dope man would be getting called/chase. I'd already be thinking on how am I going to get money the rest of the time; how will I pay rent, how will I pay this/that/whatever. I was spending everything and then some on dope; nothing but dope; no food, no drinks, no snacks, just dope.. and maybe a $1 item at McDonald's.

may not seem like much to most, but it blows my mind that I spent just $8 all day today as opposed to the Friday nights I had only 5-6 months back. its crazy, man. if your truly want to change life and go in complete different direction, then trust me.. YOU CAN DO IT. I DID IT. IT BLOWS MY MIND!

people have always said you need a year or so because youre just looking for your next fix, right? well, maybe.

as usual I've been clean for 4-5 months and even week 3 of that I picked up a younger girl and we fooled around for a month but nothing serious. well, now I am closer to month 5 and I think I found a girl that I am going to actually end up being "with". I wonder, tho, if its too soon!?

Its funny cuz I told this girl my life/full story of drug use, my past, and what I've seen/done and she seems to be chill w/ it. her brother is also an ex-addict so she can relate she says. she's also on a lot of medication herself but for other reasons, but some of the same of mine, such as: anti depressants, .25 xanny, some stuff for problem she has (nothing too erious) and then a sleeping pill (cant believe I forgot the name). this chick also smokes weed w/ me and will have a drink or two. so, although she not a true addict, she surly does have that after life/medication life that most of us carry after. the other night we smoke and I said I might take a .5 xanny to just chill and she was like "woah, why would you do that? xannny w/ weed. I never did that. chill". I kinda liked hearing that from her because now I know she's never been THAT bad and even talked me out of taking the xanny while smoking.

anyway, shes completely covered in tattoos like me; she's also has an obsession to a certain band much like I do. I am all about Alice in Chains, and she seems to know them well.. so thats a big PLUS. also, I love The Beatles and she was belting out Beatle songs on the car ride home the other night; so thats a big PLUS too, right?

she seems a little clingy tho at times and talks about being together forever. but at the same time she tells me she has no intention of marriage, kids or anything like that. WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANT AND SAY. another reason why I think her and I see to be pretty on point.

few problems:

1. she lives 40 mins away - it's not too far but its a hassle. I live right outside of Boston and she lives from the city. we both met at the tattoo shop and I facebooked her and picked her up, ha.
2. she wants to chill like 4-5 times a week; I am cool w/ 2-3 times.
3. she still like to go out w/ friends to different parties/bars; thats so not me, esp. at this state of sobriety; although, I still will have an alcoholic drink because beer was never a prob; I can only drink 1 or 2 anyway (yes, a drug is a drug is a drug, chill).
4. as originally said, I am only 4-5 months sober. am I ready for this? I am just in the process of saving money again, getting the new apartment, living a new life, etc. do I need her to be part of it?

so, what do you guys think? I do like the fact that shes from a place/area I know nothing about, so therefore I know nothing about her past and she knows nothing about mine except from what we tell one another, which I hope is the complete truth, cuz mine has been thus far.

It feels like everytime I log in lately I see a memorial thread for a member whos posts I know well. Its wierd when I read enough of someones posts I begin to feel like I know them. Coolio especially I was reading his posts in OD since like 07 when I was still a young pup. More recently I have been seeing Micheals posts in TDS giving great advice and being a huge asset to the site. Yeah we lost some goodones. So the next time you log in look around and marvel at the community we have built it is a truely beautiful thing. I am really proud to call myself a bluelighter. Now yall be kind to each other out there!

edit

It's been close to a year since I stopped using.

I'm finally starting to feel better.

My energy is coming up. My mood is coming up.

Something is definitely happening to me.

I hardly recognize some of the things I have written. I don't know what happened to me... why did I have to use?

In honest reflection after all these months have passed, I'm baffled.

What was that all about, for fucks sake?

I put a torch to my whole life. I struggled through college after my kids got in school. After I finished my degree and my post graduate work, I found a great job with good pay. I was on my way up.

I self destructed though. It all came crashing down around me because of me. Why did I do that? Why didn't I just do like I did through college? I kept my nose to the grindstone. I worked hard. I was doing great. Everything was going perfectly.

I am a fucking idiot. But I'm a sober.

I should have just stayed sober to begin with.

But I couldn't. I couldn't.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I blew it.

Fuck.

It's been 2 days since I've seen my wife... we spend every day together.. we're inseparable. Well I guess we were.. she hasn't called/texted me she deleted me on facebook blocked me and I don't know what she's doing... I wish I wouldnt have googled her name and went to her FB because all I saw were selfies and guys hitting on her.. I know she's deceiving me somehow.. which she vowed not to do.. I wish I could find out she wasn't doing anything but my gut tells me different... I love this woman so fucking much I wish she would just stop this bullshit and come home but I know we are beyond that.. here starts the healing process.. god give me strength to not do anything stupid.. I love you so much my beautiful wife..

I don’t normally follow the news coverage of celebrity tripe or the tragedies that happen to random people. The first are vapid, the second are usually only given national-level attention by the media if they are uber-disturbing. But I was bored to death at work this week. Here’s two stories that definitely fit that bill but share a common theme.

I have no idea if the “affluenza” kid who stole beer from Wal-mart, got in his truck and killed 4 people was actually raised in an environment which condones this sort of thing or if he was just young and stupid. What I do know is that there is such a thing as spoiled rotten. Paris Hilton. Nicole Richie. Justin Bieber. Pick your favorite rock star. The list is endless. I went to college in Texas with a bunch of oil-money brats out of Houston and Dallas who acted the same way.

What I will charitably call the other end of the spectrum has been shooting off more than just their shotguns this week. In an interview with GQ magazine, Duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson compared Muslims to Nazis, gay sex to bestiality and that pre-Civil rights era blacks were perfectly happy (I wonder what he thinks about us here at Bluelight?) My point is not that these remarks are obscene (which they are) but that after you found out who said them it feels far less scandalous. We’re like, oh yeah, I’ll bet he said that. A religious hillbilly gun nut who is bigoted isn’t exactly earth-shattering news.

The world is full of people who are self-absorbed, narcissistic or simply prefer to live behind walls that insulate them from reality. My mother does the same thing through her religious devotion and mistakes it for piety. “Affluenza” and Duck Dynasty are simply different symptoms of the same disease although I don't know what the hell to call it. Maybe it's just plain old, garden-variety vanity.

I've got 4 months clean. If I weren't clean, I doubt I'd of been able to be there for my friends & I would have missed out. My friend I've known since 9th grade, Mike's dad Tom died. I have a history with them since 1980 as well as my 5 other friends who showed up from way back in the day. It was kind of sad, but the gathering was healing and loving so I'm very grateful for that. Time is a strange illusion, I mean it doesn't seem like all these years have passed since 1980. Peace out.

The funny thing about truly observing yourself is finding clarity.

I am not the friendly, kind and calm person you all think I an. This was just a drug induced state of mine.

Abstaining from drugs the past 16 hours showed me who I am. A fucking degenerate hypocrite who's easily irritated. Random outbursts of anger, depression and unease now consume me.

Even laughter has lost its optimistic alure, it just feels different. Arriving randomly through out my life with no rational explanation outside mania.

Perhaps it is rational. My life is a joke, I'm a joke.

How long can I stay sober?

I find myself on an abondoned pier, with an eerie and confusion aura. Why am I here?

Words flood out my mouth "this is where the boat I was talking to you about would port, no children were reported to have returned from this voyage. Crazy huh?"

The one I'm talking to is staring at a memorial completely unresponsive and indulged elsewhere.

I turn around and see a dark figure. A once deserted and fogged scene is now clear and full of pressence. Ghosts boarding a frightful ship, the dark figure approaches me. It whispers something in my ear and I suddently wake up.

Heart rapidly beating out of my chest, sweat pouring out of me and thoughts consumed of despair.

Fear and anxiety now inhibit my world.

As I race to the kitchen to quench my thirst I hear a melodic nursery rhyme.

After I return to my bed the toon seized and I forget every single lyric.

The one I was with was me, my positive essence. He was ignoring me because I portrayed a negative and dark figure.

The unknown creature I saw was my clarity, showing me that evil thoughts and mind sets only lead to terrible destinations. Dark places where you never die, only suffer.

I have never felt such an urge to experience life, to live.

A nightmare? I think not. More like a dream I was far too naive to have embellish my conquest.

My new found journey of expressing optimism.

so, the last time I OD'd I was at a friends house and was picked up from there and brought to ER. that day he kinda stopped his habit too considering he almost saw one of his best friends die. he ended up going to the clinic to start the SHOT rather than subox or methadone. anyway, we've kept in touch over the last 4 months of being clean.

so for the past 2 weeks he's been MIA. and then I'd get a text saying he's busy or call you later, blah blah. so finally I get the text/call tonight saying he just stepped out of rehab and he slipped up and had to go back; he picked up a benzo/opiate addiction and was lying about sobriety etc.

makes me sick he did that but its the user mind and TRUST ME I know how it works. I talked to him and said he could come to me and I could help him in all the best ways possible. by no means have I been SOBER FOREVER but since its a long term friend I am sure we can game plan and figure something out w him. I would love to help him and make him into the BETTER person he deserves to be.

what do you all think? do I have enough in me?

JESUS H CHRIST (sorry, Jesus). Why on earth do I keep having tattos??? My arm is burning n wow did it hurt while being done. I'm so sensitive to pain now. I used to have laser treatment etc - felt like fat splashing me but wasn't that bad. But this sleeve I'm having hurts n it's flaming torture honest to God.

Have I gone really sensitive to pain after all those years of taking 700-800mg codeine or am I imagining it????! I was planning on having a good many more tattoos though it's draining my bank balance. Im still on this Herbalife but crikey I feel tired today n I've got to force myself to exercise later so I don't have a bum the size of planet Earth. I am doing some workout called Brazilian Buttlift. The ladies on the dvd are all lovely n tanned good.

I've been going on the sunbed but only for 3mins then other day I got tokin for 6 minutes but went on for 4 1/2 minutes as was scared of burning but next time I'm going to go 6 minutes n yes I cover my tattoo n that's a fun job I can tell you haha. I want to be brown for Christmas.

Right off to dye my hair again - I'm back to pink ontop n blue underneath. I tried it with red to be festive for Christmas holidays but I got bored. Right time to stop sitting down to energise myself or thry 'll be no burning today - just a load of nodding n sleeping blah... I wish I could remember the ace feeling of feeling energised with natural endorphins.

Cheeerio!

Evey xxxx

Just sittin here chillin before bed. I'm constantly keeping up on my spiritual studies and readings. There is an excellent book called "The Disappearance of the Universe" by Gary Renard that explains why we are here, and quantum physics has said the same thing in scientific language. I actually was able to sit down and have a conversation with Mom about this. "Mom you know the moon is beautiful tonight! Did you know that as I was beholding it's beauty all the way from here that I was changing it on a subatomic level just by observing it!"

Some of you know this is true. Quantum physics explains that our universe is created by thought. Christian Science teaches that matter is unreality, as does metaphysics. My experience is showing me that this is true, but the peace of mind I've gained is a beneficial effect gained from these spiritual disciplines. NA doesn't go into any of that, but the spiritual principals it teaches are the same. If you're curious you can look up the Disappearance book online to get an idea of what I'm talking about. I tell you this even though I thought it was pretty far out after the first time I read it, I had to admit it sure does explain a whole hell of a lot.

Anyway, I'm certainly not saying life is all of a sudden easy or anything, but I have a strength beyond me to live it every day and then sometimes I'm rewarded with glimpses of what Jesus referred to as The Kingdom of God, that it is within not without or pure non dualism. Anyway thanks you guys for the kind comments in my last two journal entries. Peace and love to all.

Well had some of my sleeve done other day so four days with clingfilm on (apart from to clean them which I do with baby wipes should see all the blood n dirt coming off). Having some butterflies on tomorrow the sleeve is coming along good. I love tattoos n yes I am female think I'm addicted to having them. Still I'll draw the line after Tuesday. Three n half hours on Thursday n after two hours tomorrow. I've got my Emla cream because I can't stand pain since I gave up codeine so I'm now sensitive to pain lol). So I'll stick on the emla cream n then relax n enjoy having this tattoo sorted with. This having a good pampering with when I felt like complete c***.

Things have come to light but I realised that I wronged a certain person very much. I don't know if it could ever be put right but I know that I have made one hell of a huge mistake to someone who had been a great support to me with getting into treatment n so much n we let people play us
I sent this person an E-mail saying sorry but it's not enough. I'm going to let things go n thank God that at last I know the truth.
Trouble is I was so hurt n angry I said some truly wicked stuff to this person that I am EXTREMELY ashamed of.

I am so extremely greatful to Bluelight. This site has been good to me. No drama n full of supportive people. I've been here almost four months now n during that time I've stopped drinking, gone to 12mg sub, started making plans n have goals to aim for. In 2014 I will taper off suboxone. It is time to.

I am so terribly sorry that I had it so wrong with a certain person n have lost that friendship for good but that's life n I hope she's happy where-ever she is. I was gillable n stupid to think certain people were friends n they never were. I let people make fun of me, humiliate me but that was me in self-destruct n I will not let it happen again.

Onwards n forwards - n I know that God is with me n will guide me showing the way as long as I don't choose addiction over him again. I've been a complete idiot believing people cared, trying to contact them when they were laughing n mocking me but that's ok. It hurt like hell but hay ho - the best form of revenge is to be happy, get on with my life, move forward, make amends for bad deeds n hold my hand out to my responsibilities n keep walking.....

Feeling a bit down over crap but that will pass.... It will all pass n life will be better again. I am exercising, losing weight, joining groups, going on the sunbeds n having my sleeve done so all is ok n God has answered my prayers.

Please take care n those of you fighting addictions you can do it those of you jump meth / sub you are inspirations I truly mean that.
Evey

feeling really quite awful right now. i took the last step off the ledge in my seemingly endless ssri taper, and i officially have been off ssris for about a month now. holy anxiety batman. it seems my symptoms have been growing exponentially every day. the first week or so were actually totally fine and i noticed myself feeling slightly more anxious and being a bit more ocd, but this last week has been a fucking NIGHTMARE and a half. i have not slept in 3 days. i lay down in bed, exhausted, and I toss and turn around, getting beat up by worry and a huge pit in my stomach. i know all the coping mechanisms to get through stuff like this, breathing, meditation, positive thinking, etc. but when im in it like this, its like fucking impossible. i feel like im lost in an endless abyss of fear that wont quit. and my body just does crazy shit that I cant turn off... like my hands and feet and face go numb like pins and needles, I get heart palpitations, I get dizzy. All the time, seemingly for no reason. Like nothing triggers it, this shit just randomly happens.

Ive spent the better part of the last month planning and preparing to throw my boyfriend a surprise 30th birthday party. it was last night. i would say it was a success, but I wasn't really able to enjoy myself because of this overwhelming, crushing feeling that somethings WRONG, something is TERRIBLY WRONG but i dont know what, I just get this sense of impending doom. and of course i worry about everything so much that it is literally killing me. i worry that I bought too much food for the party, and now people think I'm crazy or silly or stupid or fat or gluttonous. Even though I barely ate at the party because my stomach was a huge knot. I worry that I said the wrong thing and people dont like me. I got super drunk at the party, not sure why, probably to quiet the demons if only for a few hours. but then the party ended, everyone went home, and here I sit, wide awake, my hands and feet are numb and tingly, i cant stop crying, i feel like total shit physically and mentally right now. i finally gave in and popped an ativan, but i know its not strong enough to knock me out like i want it to. i dont want to take drugs anymore. well except smoking weed. although i cant even tell if that is helpful or harmful anymore. i just know its something i enjoy doing. so im gonna keep doing it. would smoke a bowl right now to help me fall asleep but my mouth is all fucking chapped and my tongue is all sore from being dehydrated and i just cant bear the thought of smoke entering my mouth right now. theres a hash brownie in the freezer but im afraid to eat it cuz I dont want to be TOO high. worry worry worry. ugh.

please just let this pass me by. i know i need to be proactive in healing myself. thats one thing ive learned over the past year. that telling myself "I have anxiety" isn't a good idea because I'm just identifying with it and subconsciously I start to believe I will never be free of it. I can't say Ive done anything proactive about healing my anxiety and ocd since I got off my meds, Ive pretty much just been suffering through it day by day and now im starting to really lose it after not sleeping for 3 days. i feel like a fucking deranged zombie right now. i want to get up and go do shit in my house but there are other people sleeping i dont want to wake up. i just had to write this so i could get some kind of relief. hah.

I'm a 30-year-old recovering heroin addict living with her parents, working a minimum wage job. However, I've recently gone on suboxone, my car insurance has gone down, and my state's minimum wage is going up very soon. I've done the math and I'll finally be able to move out probably by late spring/early summer if I stay clean and put the money I save toward possible first/last/security, which is the most expensive scenario.
Pretty mundane blog post, but I wanted to get it out, since I'm pretty jazzed.

waking up this morning and seeing 6-12 inches of snow of the ground brought a smile to my face FOR ONCE. sure, I still have to shovel and clean the car and whatnot, but what I dont have to do is HUSTLE ALL DAY trying to score on a shitty day like today. simple things like this make me happy that I am so clean. imagine? I am HAPPY that I do not have to drive in the snow to go meet just to score; sometimes my "guys" would not want to leave the house, other times they'd wake up late and yet to plow out to meet. it was never an easy thing and always drove me absolutely crazy. at this time last year I was always still recovering from brain surgery/cancer and just USING ALOT!

who would have thought things would change so much over the course of a year? not me.

I am very grateful. I EVEN have weed to chill out today and just relax in this snow storm. oh what a beautiful day ahead, for once.

Eyes Suffer Chains, The Lines of Demarcation an Evacuation in Sight. Alright. Comes Sashaying Sunlight.

Here I am. I tip-toe around life. Dodging eggshells and piles, mounds, mountains of mail. Return to sender, I but trying. No self, intention is not action.
I have moved. My mind to another space. And here I am. I do see, now, I lack rigid shape. That is OK. I see, now, thresholds are where I keep. Half in, half way... poof, so long. The ever-elastic soul. I am, not your figmented fragments of presumed imagination.
The many ripples, shimmers, shades, shatters: a dangerous reflection. A mirror mind of corrupt illustration.
So pious, noble, knowing glance cold. A simulacrum of prevarication.
I am this thing, being, something with feeling.

A mind, a thought, and smile I took. A file, a label: thousands of bills from shallow forsakers. My earth is a bounty of simple surrender. I am, I see, through the looking glass: breathing supple, sweet, sumptuous satisfaction.
Such a beautiful mess of me. My chaos like honey: arpeggio of harmony. I am
A heart, a slope, an intercept. An enduring shape, reject conform, perpetuating form.

Such peaces of everything, everywhere, a tide, a swirl, a spin, a whirlwind -- stuttering paper cranes.
Drifting among you. Inanimate intimacies, stammering wings of exquisite reminisce nostalgic soirée. A glorious remise of regal designed resign moldings from hands without articulation, be all defy circumscription.