at this point, I'd be stupid not to believe. Perhaps not believe, but actively experience. And believe. God. I know there is. How else would that have happened like that?
Crystal.
I mean, for what it is to me, it is basically God. It's a program. It's God. Even beyond the program is a program. The system. I don't know. But I've seen. Order simply expands. We are written. Encoded. Embedded in a system that allows. Our potential always is. We always exist.
I feel so, so small. I can't grasp it all the time.
I don't know what it is.
Order.
I can understand those who feel they're controlled. I feel controlled. But I tend to challenge it. But how could I have set them all up, the way it happened. I know exactly what it all means. I do. I just lie about it. How would I be what the names have pointed to? It would instead seem that ... no... no. This is a test. It has to be.
I don't know.
Why should I be excited? More pain comes. For sure.
Sometimes I think I'm a spark inside a crystal, some energy source for something else, a world inside me, or universe. That everything around me even if "conscious" as I seem to be, are also exactly like me, and "controlled", because they appear to align around me. And I want to find others like me, that the shapes form around. The stories. The structures, even through the bad and dead, there is life. It's like a ship made of bones of the past, and... stuff. I see black. Black because it's like I can't see the future, and what's through the past that I see- it's like the "dark, shadowed structures" behind a veil of events, and people, forming some greater meaning, or image. A flow of it. A higher dimensional structure, and shape of things, through time, and then beyond/to one that kind of uhh, I mean time just is not, to it. I guess it's possible other energy forms straddle different dimensions of the greater spark.
1234567890
12345 67890
678907
But then I don't believe. I do believe... But not in me. How is that? I believe in God, but not myself. It fluctuates. I doubt myself. And it's not even that I'm wrong- it's just that there are other ways to see things.
And I might only get a part. How could I ever be anything but in control? But what if that's simply the chess board? And I do have a choice? That it's just full of strings... But they all play with each other, on some level. That order is just all there can be. Or that working for order.
Maybe I need to learn chaos.
My life has already been long.
I don't know how I'll handle that.
It's been chaotic, anyways. That's the thing. Chaos one way and order when you actually reflect back through it. We see time only through a narrow slit. We're part of something greater.
I am.
Sometimes, I think that this is hell. But then I think that ... no, it might be hell.
Why would hell let you know you're in hell? I guess on some level it might.
I've considered it a purgatory in some sense, but these are all just words. I'm not even sure the extent of their roots, to be making assumptions about where I'm at, I guess. I don't know. I mean I'm here. There's no where. And I can make it fall away, but it stays. It seems like it should fall apart- like when you know you're dreaming and you wake up. Sometimes it feels like that should happen, but it doesn't. It's a feeling close to that. I feel like I'm going to wake up outside of this. I still might.
But then I don't know. I might be a part of a system. Turned on and off. The stories of things, and the world around me, just a rendering. Something some intelligent program sets into motion, and it's all just soulless and fake, set up to milk me, or use me to produce a honey of sorts, or something. I don't know. Programs. Or something that seems to have order around it.
Silkworm.
It plays with me. It's like it's in my mind. But I challenge that I'm in it, and I am a slave to it, and it's basically, that whatever it is is heavier than me, so it drags me along with it. It's energy is mine. Sometimes it's hard to know what comes first, or if there is really such a thing. Reality will mirror my thoughts.
Or it will play with me.
weed.
