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I know that awareness is a gift, but it doesn't mean I will take it easily. I realize that in order to change I need to first be aware.. But it's like lately it seems all my character defects are on front street like I have a huge neon sign and an arrow pointing to my character defects. I guess that's bound to happen.

I am grateful for the opportunity to work on these defects and to learn how to not act on them.

Ahhh awareness, such a blessing and a curse all in one.

She has now changed 3, or 4 times in this short span of time, around when I met her. Maybe she always does this around this time of year.

I seem to have had a dream about sex with my/a sister, and a girl/girls were going to hunt food for me. Like my sister, but not.

And she who I say changed had a "face like a lioness" I once thought, though I haven't seen her in five years. The next one I met, with her name, came within a month- working at a new job and had my sister's birthday, and was the first person I noticed who had my mother's middle name, Faye. This reinforced observations from before with the girl. Mother and sister. In a way.

And the fact that she believes in "Faye", and I'm trying to explain things. My sister goes by her middle name, Jennifer, as Jenny. A Jinn is the Arabian world's "fairy", it has been said. It just seems close to say Jinni sounds like Jenny. Jinn/Jinni, and other names.

Sister's first name is Mary. My first time holding a girl's hand happened in a simulated Mars habitat. I've noticed Mar is around in certain ways.

My sister showed me her stuff one time. I was really little. 5-6. She must have been 12. Not that she molested me but that's the first time I saw a girl naked. I think I remember it was more educational. She was saying that she has what I have.

The next (saw naked) was Christina Marie.

Just been going to school and going home. Was meant to go to the flat today but wanted to pick up my bud and some peoples stuff they left here. Been listening to Snoop Lion's Reincarnated almost constantly since I heard it, brilliant album, never heard any of snoops other stuff. I want a pipe for weed, they are relatively easy to steal from Poundland apparently. I would pay for it if I was 18, but I'm not ^^

.. why not waste time, right? well, I am off to see my Dr. today. we'll be lowering my bupe dosage to 12MG/daily. although, I am recently coming from 8MG and staying way ahead of schedule; so this downgrade is no worry to me. I plan to stay far ahead as far as bupe dosing; the higher dosing helped at first to kill the edge/need but now after 6 months and only 2 slips the confidence and power is there so the bupe is no needed in the large dosing, but is needed to kick any WD's. I WANT to be off this shit within the next 6 months but let's see how that plays out.

what else? well, nothing. I still smoke a lot of weed; I'll do a benzo here and there and thats about it. I have sleeping pills scripted but trying to do away w/ all pills so not taking those; weed more than enough. still have a Celexa 10MG pill taking w/ morning bupe; would like to DROP that but last few times I felt OFF so been keeping the habit going. I am going to try and go every OTHER day w/ it and see what happens.

do I think I need these pills to live on!? NO! do I want to be on a drug the rest of my life and have a daily dosage!? NO! so what do I do!? well, its up to me, right?

was a good post I read on this board recently and some guy just going off about how WE MAKE OUR OWN CHOICES; there is NO 12 STEPS and NO ADDICTION; it's totally up to that person; and I honestly and truly agree. I've always seen it that way; was there a physical addiction? yes. I did withdraw. but could the mental addiction ALWAYS be beat if truly NEEDED/WANTED!? YES! 100%. if you told a DOPE FIEND not to touch dope or you will kill their MOTHER, I wonder what percentage would commit 100%!? crazy to think like that. hell, even to say that to me right now I'd be scared but I'd have to do it, right? you cant slip up. you are always full aware of what is happening. you just make up your own stories as to why you need to do it, right? or lie to yourself as to why? right? dont you!? I always did.

OK, I am rambling and some sick, twisted, weird writing happening as I listen to Mad Season live in Seattle 12/31/94. the sound of Layne's voice gives me twisted thoughts alone.

In the beginning, the first few months, feelings of guilt start to creep in. You think, "Why am I doing this to myself? This is not what I want out of life!". But as time passes, the guilt gets pushed further and further inward and you begin to care less and less, There's just no time for it anymore!

You have to steel yourself and put your feelings on the back burner. The only passion there's room for is the chase, the high, the moment when you can leave the constant grind of everyday life behind.

The ones that come to me, asking me to cop for them? The ones that think this is some sort of occasional thing they can indulge in, like going out to eat eat an expensive restaurant once in a while? I feel bad for them, feel somehow superior, God knows why? I've seen it before. Like anything else, you either have a knack for it and learn or you find a less dangerous hobby more suited to you....or you die, or you go to prison, get disowned by your friends family, quit school, lose your job or....... maybe just maybe you can be one of the few of us that can actually keep pace with the demon, for awhile...but be warned, that demon just gets faster and stronger and bigger every day....You gotta fight that demon tooth and nail, learn everything you can about his game......You got become as mean as he is, make em him work for you, make em your bitch!

Most junkies would've wanted a different life, to have been born into different circumstances, to have capitalized on all the missed oppurtunities...But you can;t go back, can't change who you are and creating a reality that's worth living in by traditional means, just seems like so much effort after a point, fuck it! We don't don't know what the fuck we want anyway....

How do you go after what you want when you don't even know what that is?

The dope thickens our skin, toughens us up, makes us immune to rejection, pain, freezing cold winter days, self-loathing. None of these can penetrate. Well..... sometimes, in the middle of the night, you wake up in a cold sweat and think,"This isn't my life! This is so horrible! How am I doing this!:....Then the sickness kicks in and you're faced with the decsion, which doesn't seem much like a decision at all. So you pull yourself together and do it again and again and again until it's all you have left. It's all you're good at. It's all you know. It's sounds sad to other people, but you know exactly what led up to this point and don't really feel too bad about it unless youre broke and sick. You're gonna keep it going until you have a good reason not to or until something forces you to. Fuck it, that's the nature of the game.

Five days clean on 1/28/14

I'm not one to count the days like this, but I'm serious about it this time.
Gabapentin - I shall worship you for your mercy.
Benzodiazepines - I shall thank you for easing pain, but you are dangerous so I stopped taking you today.
Magnesium/Potassium Gluconate - You help the chills go away, thank you for that. (Not the CVS kind, it has no bio-availability)

I felt better yestarday than I did today, but I also slept on a couch made of what I assume were fluffy iron shavings so maybe it's just that.
I also stopped the benzos. I wasn't taking them long but I was taking them hard because I really was hurting physically and mentally. However, I'm glad they're gone.
I've started exercising again (I'm a skinny young guy, weak from addiction), and I like it! I did not think I would but it makes me feel better for about an hour.

id like to try and describe my experiences of the past 4 weeks

i cant really do it justice because by nature i am a minimalist and find it extremely difficult to elaborate without being asked to

what has basically happened is that i had to lose my mind to find my self

it all happened with a manic episode (first of my life at the age of 20), where i was being super productive, super nice to everyone, super energetic and my thought processes were moving like a racing car

things that led to this manic episode were

juice fast - i had been living on low ish quality pure pressed fruit and veg juice (mostly fruit unfortunately which i suppose added to me excess energy), i reached 5 days i think before i reintegrated fibre into my diet, and that was the point i felt i had learnt enough to be able to stop fasting

acid + dmt - i tripped on some good clean tabs (around 180mcg) whilst on day 4 or so of the fast, it was pure bliss, i didnt really get the (true art) element i usually get on acid at night, but the revelations were very, very close to home and useful to me in life. it should be noted that i had been doing reading on proper reintegration of psychedelic experience so i better understood how to apply these 'smelling the floweres' concepts back into daily life.

nofap - theres a sub-reddit called nofap, its a community of people (most seem to have erectile dysfunction [i dont thank god], due to porn addiction, i wanted to try it out for myself so i did 55 days or so of not releasing any seminal fluid even in wet dream form, it did crazy thing to my body, kind of like letting a stew boil past when its cooked because i feel that it helped to tip my psychosis past the breaking point.

new environment - there was a small controversy about the thread i created about the aunt + dmt thing, i havent pursued it any further, but being at her house brought me back to my zen so to speak. her garden is spiritual bordering on extremely spiritual and perfectly created. i hosted a party there and it was one of the greatest gatherings of my life (although i dont know if my manic perspective skewed that vision because i was already starting to 'lose it' per-se.)

also i should add i had been doing some reading on taoist sexual kung fu and practicing some meditation

anyway there was one night i was at the house sitting place, i had just coked a very delicious dinner of bacon and eggs for my sisters friends and i could tell they were going to lez out with my presence there, so i walked home, it was super peaceful, on the way i think i visited the royal botanic gardens or was on bluelight destroying ppl in the lounge for kicks (as people do i guess), either way there was one point where i could smell the dmt molecule in a plant that grows over a fence to a junior primary school, i chewed the leaves and spat out most of the fibre, swallowed the bitter juice and then back on to bluelight, but having god like thought processes

i feel like the drug i was on was a cross between stimulant/amphetamine and psychedelic/deliriant

its very hard to tell and i am very curious what it was because it spirit guided me to the ER ward at hospital where i was psychotic for 2 days and thats probably another blog post once i can write it all out because so much crazy shit has happened in the past 3-4 weeks its difficult to type it all

peace and love

Mr.E

%)%)

In the future?

Will we be able to all look out and see our reflection? So much will be out there, and in a sense the frequency of everything will be turned up. Is there a point to where it's all just going to flow together, for everyone?

I seem to already see it, now, and it's been this way, and perhaps through certain points in time it's pronounced easier to us. I know it's always this way, no doubt, but of course, we're on a level.

But I'm wondering if soon even more things will seem prophetic, or synchronistic-- If it will be something of science-fact, that we know exists because it's inevitable for something to resemble, or relate to something else, in form. Will it just continue to happen, and be remembered, and added to, in our universal culture... And become closer to each of us, all of us? Or will somehow something work against this. Will we forget things.

As things would continue, it would seem that more things would be happening at once, that are related, and very likely now-always. If it all began at one would there not be connection on every level, to one?

Really loving Bluelight right now. I've met some amazing people n I feel this site has really helped me a lot. It's nice to have a good laugh instead of being serious all the time. You know what they say. "If you don't laugh you cry."
Assignment sent off so if I pass it that's 5 modules completed. One module n a dissertaion left before I get my masters though God knows how as I'm a right thick cow lol

Ok take care n be safe everyone ,
Evey xxxx

I've been taking 2-fma very frequently (3-5 times a week typically) for about 7-8 months now and it's still going well. Tolerance does not seem to be an issue, as the effects haven't really lessened. 2-fma still puts me in a good mood and makes me enjoy whatever I'm doing so much more. Usually I'm at work, loving the motivation I have to work as hard as I can. 95% of the time I'm using it as a functional stimulant, but I've had a couple mini binges of recreational use. Each time was just 1 day, but I'd dose 3-4 times total during the day. Gets me fucking amped and loving the fuck out of everything, but I try to keep that type of thing to once a month.

I was forced to take a 2 week break the beginning of this month, which I thought was going to suck, but it didn't. I felt fine. Of course I wished I was on it, but my energy level and overall mood were good.

2-fma seems to be a miracle drug. They should probably stop prescribing people adderall and switch to 2-fma instead. Except not really because then it'd be a controlled substance.

Normal day school wise, noticed with a slight change in attitude, people treat you very diffrent. Been having the most pathetic argument with some kid who blocked me on facebook, completely through other people which adds to the fun of it. He keeps uploading pictures of me high as fuck, failing to respect that there is a vague trust when you smoke lots with someone, not to take pictures that clearly show you stoned out your mind, caption them and put it on public news feeds. Anyway, I'm happy.

well, I was open about it yesterday; picked up a bundle and shot throughout the day (from 530-1130). since I've been somewhat clean for the last 5-6 months I started small; only shot .25 of the G. waited about 15 minutes; felt good but not THAT good; so shot another.25. wow, felt like heaven; forgot what it felt like to make random calls and talk, clean around the house when you dont have to, watch the Patriots game and be ready to cry but be happy at the same time, and also somewhat nod as time went on as I sat there on the couch and watched Football.

Anyway, woke up, smoked some weed and ordered steak tip sub and broccoli bites. all was good.

shot another .25 and around 830 and all was STILL GOOD! felt great, had a nod, took my other NEEDED MEDICATION and laid in bed reading this forum, cleaning the bedroom, folding clothes, etc.

at 1130 I blasted my last shot and just dazed off; woke up at 3AM w/ computer on top of me and my glasses on; shut off computer and took glasses off and went back to bed ASAP!

woke up this morning feeling great and still do; I waited 36 hours after my last 8MG bupe dosage to shoot that gram over a 6 hour period roughly (I used to shoot a G a shot, so times def. have changed).

I'll admit, I had fun.. but I dont THINK I lost control. the Patriots lost yesterday, so I had to use, right? ha.

didnt take anything yet today and MAY even wait till tomorrow morning to take my 8MG bupe; any advice on when to take my bupe again!?

yesterday was the first time I waited that long OFF BUPE to BLAST AWAY!

I could prob easily get away w/ taking the bupe between now and 5 but thinking that dope will last in my system till morning and I could take my 8MG then, right?

anyway, this isnt me looking for just bupe advice, but me telling a relapse story, so DO NOT put it in the bupe thread, no need. the peeps that know me on this board I am telling I relapsed w/ the needle. and I am admitting I enjoyed but today I am at work and still feel IN CONTROL, so let's see.

I haven't read my trip reports in years but went back to review some yesterday and today; I think I am a darn good writer. Some of the early ones lack flow but they improved as the years went by. They are all here....

http://www.erowid.org/experiences/exp.cgi?A=ShowAuthor&ID=33

and breath. and smell food, and other signals.

the penis developed to excrete urine as well as deposit sperm, and both are pleasurable.
the vagina is similar, but there is more outward differentiation, even as is inward.

the anus excretes solid waste, and is also involved in sexual contact, sometimes.
how we love our butts.

i have wondered how talking and eating and food are related...
i mean it's said that our ability to communicate came about, in part, from sharing meals with one another.

did the female rear develop naturally as a sexual signaler? at some point in our past, we definitely paid more attention down there. we could tell things about health, perhaps.

how does it all relate? i know it's all sexual... perhaps all communicative, as well. And food. Sex as food. Food as words. Food as sexual. The kiss. Nipples as sexual and where we get our first food.

What purpose in male? Its become pleasure. Heightened sensory.

Sex as communication- life as communication.

ya know!?! sometimes youre just bored and what else is there to do? well, I did work 12-4 but now home and have zero to do till morning (regular 9-5 during week). smoked a bowl to relax and all is good but ill be honest, the thought of dope did hit the head. no shot of it happening; few reasons:

1. I have a drug test Tuesday for my bupe; last thing I need is to not have my bupe.
2. I really dont want/need it and have been good the last 6 months aside from last weekend (shot time).

so, what to do? well, I write a blog here on bluelight to kill time while high and watching the Lakers/Knicks game. kinda fun to read back on your blogs as time goes on; I read back on my first one a minute before I did this and it's before I was even close to clean. it's actually when I was at my worst and it's me on here just saying I am a junk bag. ha. kinda funny.

well, bye-bye to myself, since its my blog/posts.

Wow we smoked a lot last night, for the first time in my life I wanted to be less high. After smoking about 4.5 grams I was on the verge of a panic attack for about 5 mins, today considering how much I smoked I had a very small day-after comedown, I get them when ever I smoke over 0.5. Today just chilled. Good weekend.

Mark was the driver manager for the company I'm with. He hired me. He just got fired for embezzling about 200,000, or so the numbers show. I never suspected.

I last saw him when I ran my late route a couple of weeks ago. He was running the earlier run of the same route, covering for another driver, but got started late because of other jobs. I was about 5 minutes behind when I got to the first stop- the nurse informed me.

The second stop I was about 10 minutes ahead of him, as I took a way that lets me drive fast. Saw him when I was walking out of the home.

Third stop- the last facility, I got pulled over as I entered the town, going about 15 over in a construction zone. He gave me a warning. C.S. Starr. His eyes were a cold, almost piercing blue.

I called Mark to tell him to watch out for the cop... Don't get caught.

That's the last time I saw him, and talked to him, when I exited the facility there and he got there.

Now he may be going to jail.

At a meeting- a result of his departure, there were sheets where we put down our current schedules, and then another where we put our desired schedules. I was centered among names in the column.

crystal

i was thinking of her. i dreamt of her. 5 years exactly after meeting a girl who introduced me to crystals.
crystal i met in church, growing up. my mom's church, in liberty.
i'm pretty sure i always had her around, after age 2-3.

she was nice.

i tackled a girl named nicole at church, when I was about 5. the last name i remember hearing from the girl who introduced me to crystals, was nick, in the dream i had the night i knew i wouldn't see her again. it was jealousy. in part. in the dream she had phased me out, and went back to, perhaps, being some chameleon.

crystal and i later became closer. she liked me. i didn't not like her.

she wore a lot of make-up.

later the night after the dream, i heard the name crystal jenkins, and recognized that the eyes of crystal and the eyes of a girl i know with the last name jenkins, robyn's eyes, look similar, in respects. they are different ancestry- crystal is white and robyn hopi/navajo.

robyn introduced herself after i had had a dream about a pyramid, and drew a picture in paint, of it, and posted it in a blog. she told me i am...

the only animal i've ever shot was a robin, with a pellet/bb-gun. i cried and built an encasing/shelter around it as it died, hoping it would save it's life. i think i might have made it into a tomb of sorts, though that wasn't the intention.

at around 6 years old or so, i wanted to be nude with my next door neighbor, christina. she wasn't very excited about being naked, but i convinced her some. i wanted to marry her. very adult feelings/drives, though not so complex.

my first real sexual experience was with chris, or at least the level of it jumped out. he put his mouth around me, when i slept over, under the covers going down on me. we were in the second grade. it was an interesting feeling, that i enjoyed, but when he wanted me to do it to him, i was disgusted by his smell.

then his mom and dad called us to the living room. his dad is a cop. they knew what we were doing, i guess.

i remember i thought i had this fear that i had "aids" from it.

it was the bad smell.

my first girlfriend, krystin, also shared my birthday, being born when i turned one.

we met at marsville- something the young astronauts club did, with some other schools, building a habitat and things for what we thought it might be like on mars, and what challenges we might face. i wasn't a part of this club. some kids volunteered me, out of the blue. i didn't even hang out with many of them, but they wanted me to design the cockpit of a ship. some controls.

held hands with her in the red light, in the habitat.

the girl who introduced me to crystals, Donna, i may have had a dream about her where i had the same feeling, in red light, before i met her. she felt the same when i met her. warm fuzzy feeling when i touched her. heat. acceptance. energy. in the dream i went in front of a crystal, and had an experience.

mars repeats...

krystin was later a girl's best friend- erica templeton's. erica had a child on our birthday, 6/11 , caden, by a friend of mine, who gave me a harmonica not long before, after his uncle- who was like a father, died. we went to a strip club together- this guy and i, and another, whose dad had died only a couple of years prior. chase, the soon father, paid for everything for me. i had my eyes on one- a platinum blond, small chested, with an ass. i can't remember her name, but she let me touch her, and direct her, with seemingly no end to what she'd allow me. many eyes could see, and i could see they didn't like something about it. perhaps it was jealousy, or maybe they thought i was rude, or i don't know. i was on mdma, and she had told me her dad or some father figure had my name. chase gave me the harmonica-his uncle's, later that night.

donna mirrors the feeling i got with krystin-- the warmth i felt, or remember, and associate, and build on. she was new. and it matched what i felt in the dream. and crystals. and mars- the color red, her hair, and she came after another with red hair, who an older brother named mark, and she gave me a marx brothers shirt that was her dads, and introduced me to the mars volta, and arcade fire. oh, and i met her through mark- another mark.

my first ejaculation with a girl happened in a church parking lot, while driving around listening to nine inch nails, as was the plan (her suggestion). we stopped there to make out. she was best friends with my main interest- sara. but sara was with another at the time. song 23. elsa married roman.

another male was mike. and mark.

i started to give mark oral sex once, after i sold him mushrooms, as we began messing around this once. i wanted to experiment, and he has talked about his open sexuality, sometimes expressing certain desire.

there's a large part of my life that i don't feel like approaching.

alisha.

my mom. how they all relate, in my little world.

i remember watching emmanuelle- an erotic show, through the lines on cinnamax, around puberty. then i started hearing the name as i slept in the pews at church.

I forget. I changed a machine for sleep apnea for her, and I think I may have diagnosed a problem. I forget her name. I was in a hurry. The grocery was closing in a half hour. I'll find the paperwork later to see her name. Room 315, at 2525.

I delivered a pump to a person named Thomas, to his mother, or wife (or sister- I don't know), Christy.
A cat named Hannah- a shorthaired calico, that was mostly dark, very pretty coat to her, came up, very active, and awake. I guess it was midnight. Her eyes were as wide as can be. Stood on her two feet to smell my hand. Very active, and forward. The energy was high. My vision seemed to focus more in response to seeing her, and her eyes. She was vivid.

I looked at the paperwork after I had her- Christy sign it, to see what her first name was, to enter it into my phone later right, and I saw the name of the patient looked like my name. Their last name- the way it was spelled, the lettering looks very close to my first name, and Thomas is my last name- the first name of the patient. I stopped for a second, like, "what?"

My next stop was after I got to rest and eat some food, and was scheduled, unlike the others tonight, which were stat-work/on call. I'm covering for a guy named Mike, who has had the hiccups for maybe a week now, or more. Maybe two. I get up there- it's in a hospital, and there seems to be every nurse and assistant in the ward congregating at a desk. More than I've seen. One or two say "There he is!", playfully, making me smile. I count maybe 8 or 9. I talk to them... More only one. I only remember the face of one. Immediately the most attractive, and fit, in a physical fitness sense. Offered connection first, so it was easy to return.

We talked some, about Mike, and it came up who else did the work the past two nights. The two names were Jared and Daniel, but only Daniel is for sure- I brought up Jared as a possibility for an unknown.

She told me I looked like a Tom. I smiled, as my last name is Thomas, and wouldn't mind it as a first name- or being called it.

Then it was time to work. Easy checking things and readying them for travel. Lab-work. But sometimes the nurses forget to label samples, and it's either a guessing game or ask, so I went to ask the one I talked to.

I didn't get her name. I should have.

She reminded me a little of my sister.

She was fine with standing very close to me.

Had a love for her. A decision, now, as the connection is faded somewhat, as time passed.

She's from Kokomo. We ended with talking about the snow we're supposed to be getting, again, and driving through it.

Went the wrong way on a one way, for a second.

The interstate back was filled with patches of ice. The way there was clear.

Abby was the last I saw, as I handed off the samples to her. She's usually very... To the point. Not unfriendly but not friendly. "Science". Today when I called to tell her I was outside, so that she'll start walking to the door, and so will I to meet her, I said "Hi Abby, this is _", instead of how I might usually speak- not using her first name. She was noticeably more excited, and uppity. Friendly. Open.

As she walked back to the other set of doors, and I saw her through the windows of the building, I noticed she had a cute body, and I hoped she was having sex.

I live about a minute from the drop off point.

Matter of speaking not necessarily bl. If I've made a complaint against someone do I tell them or leave it? I don't want to seem underhanded or like I'm backstabbing but I really had no other choice if my feelings aint being taken into account n I'm punished easily when others are not for the same behaviour. I need to feel like I matter as a person n that I'm going to feel safe in a specific place.
However, If I tell the person I may seem like I'm being manipulative arrrrrggggg I don't know what to do. I don't normally like having to go this route but I'm really left no other choice. I wont be bullied or belittled by another person especially when I took time out of my day to try n give that person support. And I can't stand back n have consequences when others who do similar do not.
Really hope I've done the right thing though because I've had people do this sort of thing to me n I thought they were being underhanded n wondered why those people never talked to me.
Why can't things just be simple n fair? I'm so frustrated right now but I think I've come a long way since last year.

Evey

well, almost a week. tomorrow will be official week after my last use. right after use I used 4MG bupe and then 8MG following day. since then I have been trying to drop back to 4MG bupe a day. I'd eventually like to get off the bupe and not have to worry about this opiate habit (sounds whacky since I just shot last weekend, huh?). well, who knows. maybe this is just my confidence getting the best of me. maybe this is me thinking I can use once a month and get away w/ it (I know I cant; been there, done that). I have gained so much over the last 5/6 months clean, which is why I am confident my minor use was nothing; I have put up too much to lose. there is NO WAY I could even THINK to go back to what I once was doing. I will lose my new apartment, car, etc, all within a week. def. not worth it just to be junked out. maybe if I was a millionaire I'd be blogging differently but I am far from that. its sad cuz I actually DO make good money but you wouldnt have an idea; then again, you might think that but looking at the outside but on the inside I was empty. I had NOTHING. new car!? sure. gas? none. bill paid? no. rent? no paid. credit cards? bankruptcy. but that was all OK because I could TRY and hide it on the OUTSIDE as my inside was ROTTING THE FUCK AWAY!

finally my IN and OUT feel good and I'd like to stay down this path; will be there more slips up's? probably. I wont lie. but I am doing my fucking best here and it's been working somehow, someway w/ the changes I've made. so each day I hope for the best.

one last thing. I weed.

Sitting in croachy, high as fuck. Me and Ethan met Raymond, David and Carl we bout 3 grams off Raymond. We smoke some of David's stash, 3 or 4 joints worth, after that the day is really damn messy, I cant really remember what I have done all day or who we met. but I remember smoking a novelty size rocket, 6 joints long 2.5 wide with 6+ people contributing. we managed to fit almost 2 grams in it, was the biggest thing I have ever seen weed wise. We smoked half of it then bottle bonged the second half, almost everyone there was on the verge of throwing up. Through out the weekend among everyone I have been with, we have brought around half an ounce. I am having trouble recalling what I even did for the rest of the day, but I was higher than I have been in a while, until tonight, we have 6 grams to smoke between the 3 of us.

David and Raymond are pretty big time, they walk around with £300+ cash in their trackies and ounces of bud sitting in their bedrooms... Its really weird to see. I remember feeling my thoughts physically manifesting as rocks in my body, bouncing around in me, smashing my body from side to side, especially my face, my vision was rapidly moving like I was drunk.

Now I am sitting In my nice comfy house, warm with a big ass TV and some of my closest friends and 6 grams. Hoping I don't whitey.

678907
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at this point, I'd be stupid not to believe. Perhaps not believe, but actively experience. And believe. God. I know there is. How else would that have happened like that?

Crystal.

I mean, for what it is to me, it is basically God. It's a program. It's God. Even beyond the program is a program. The system. I don't know. But I've seen. Order simply expands. We are written. Encoded. Embedded in a system that allows. Our potential always is. We always exist.

I feel so, so small. I can't grasp it all the time.

I don't know what it is.

Order.

I can understand those who feel they're controlled. I feel controlled. But I tend to challenge it. But how could I have set them all up, the way it happened. I know exactly what it all means. I do. I just lie about it. How would I be what the names have pointed to? It would instead seem that ... no... no. This is a test. It has to be.

I don't know.
Why should I be excited? More pain comes. For sure.
Sometimes I think I'm a spark inside a crystal, some energy source for something else, a world inside me, or universe. That everything around me even if "conscious" as I seem to be, are also exactly like me, and "controlled", because they appear to align around me. And I want to find others like me, that the shapes form around. The stories. The structures, even through the bad and dead, there is life. It's like a ship made of bones of the past, and... stuff. I see black. Black because it's like I can't see the future, and what's through the past that I see- it's like the "dark, shadowed structures" behind a veil of events, and people, forming some greater meaning, or image. A flow of it. A higher dimensional structure, and shape of things, through time, and then beyond/to one that kind of uhh, I mean time just is not, to it. I guess it's possible other energy forms straddle different dimensions of the greater spark.

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But then I don't believe. I do believe... But not in me. How is that? I believe in God, but not myself. It fluctuates. I doubt myself. And it's not even that I'm wrong- it's just that there are other ways to see things.
And I might only get a part. How could I ever be anything but in control? But what if that's simply the chess board? And I do have a choice? That it's just full of strings... But they all play with each other, on some level. That order is just all there can be. Or that working for order.

Maybe I need to learn chaos.
My life has already been long.
I don't know how I'll handle that.
It's been chaotic, anyways. That's the thing. Chaos one way and order when you actually reflect back through it. We see time only through a narrow slit. We're part of something greater.
I am.

Sometimes, I think that this is hell. But then I think that ... no, it might be hell.
Why would hell let you know you're in hell? I guess on some level it might.
I've considered it a purgatory in some sense, but these are all just words. I'm not even sure the extent of their roots, to be making assumptions about where I'm at, I guess. I don't know. I mean I'm here. There's no where. And I can make it fall away, but it stays. It seems like it should fall apart- like when you know you're dreaming and you wake up. Sometimes it feels like that should happen, but it doesn't. It's a feeling close to that. I feel like I'm going to wake up outside of this. I still might.
But then I don't know. I might be a part of a system. Turned on and off. The stories of things, and the world around me, just a rendering. Something some intelligent program sets into motion, and it's all just soulless and fake, set up to milk me, or use me to produce a honey of sorts, or something. I don't know. Programs. Or something that seems to have order around it.

Silkworm.

It plays with me. It's like it's in my mind. But I challenge that I'm in it, and I am a slave to it, and it's basically, that whatever it is is heavier than me, so it drags me along with it. It's energy is mine. Sometimes it's hard to know what comes first, or if there is really such a thing. Reality will mirror my thoughts.

Or it will play with me.