Her. This day, five years ago, was when I last felt in any contact with the last girl that I liked-- Last that I liked to any degree where I might actually try, that is. This was the day I felt out of contact. And I was right.
One year after, on this date, I had the combination of an anxiety/panic attack, and an allergic reaction to milk and possibly other substances, which made me think I was having a heart attack. I wasn't yet aware I was allergic to milk- or anything, though I'd find it probably sabotaged me in life many times before.
I went to the hospital and they said it was a panic attack... But the weight on my chest didn't go away even as I would feel calm. It took a month or more for me to connect that it was milk.
Fitting.
I had connected this girl to my mom, in some respects. In my life it seems all my girlfriends had something in common with my mother... Or what my mother is in the line of. Some were stronger connections than others, like Alisha- who I was obsessed with, or was obsessed with my own association with her, who shared my mom's maiden name, and was closest to her eye color (green spectrum), and was the average or mean sum when her name was calculated, of the first four girls I felt seriously for.
Anyways, so I had this "heart attack". It was my first nieces birthday. The first born from my generation, from my sister.
The next year, I made sure I didn't do anything on that day, as the experience was somewhat traumatic. I took it easy. But the next day at work, my first delivery was to a family with the last name Hart. First and only delivery, as a pizza delivery guy. For some reason, I think it was slow, I went home that night after that one delivery.
The year after this, my Grandmother died. 1/31. Once again I felt a heart attack feeling happening multiple times around this time... This time because I ate beef liver. During her funeral, I felt some of the worst chest pain I had felt yet at that point. But I was determined it was the beef, and determined not to collapse dead at a funeral.
I'm raping this story. There's too much more to it.
The last girl, still, that I've had sex with, where there was no exchange of money, was a girl with the last name Hart... but the dates don't go with anything as far as I have been able to tell, in any artistic way... But I was thinking I had heart problems for a time up until that night I met her, and had sex with her. Discovered I'm fine. Problem is tension/anxiety. I guess this is the last time that just happened, unless I consider what went on with Rayna, as sex. Which it wasn't.
Anyways, so this year, a guy from Florida moved in next door to me. His name is Noah.
Donna, the girl this is circling around, moved to Florida recently, to be nearer to her family.
When Noah moved in, I saw this C-shaped thing laying on the ground.
And it reminded me of Donna, because I built her futon one night, spending like 5 hours doing so- why, because I tend to be a perfectionist and it was hard to balance the parts to put it together, with only my hands. And I over-do things. I didn't want it falling apart and hurting her. She had gone to sleep, because she was tired from not sleeping well the night before.
...But it came with these pieces, like above, and none of them fit where they were supposed to. At least, I didn't figure it out. It still bothers me that I didn't complete it, or at least clear that it wasn't my lack of ability, or something.
I took that picture today, as I saw it on the sidewalk, walking to my car. I haven't seen it in awhile... as snow has been on the ground quite a lot, and before, it pretty much stayed where it was, near my apartment block's doorway, where it was before.
I always look for something on this day. Not that I actively look, but sometimes things just pop out that are associated, most closely with me, to her. I keep my eyes open.
Yesterday, I got in a car wreck, but despite the fender being crumbled like tin, alignment is still perfect, and no mechanical damage. If it would have happened today, it might have meant something more to me. I'm glad it wasn't as bad as it could have been...
Maybe it was, like this wreck- the connection with her wasn't as bad as it could have been. That's what I feel like I was avoiding, in ways, back then. Colliding in an uncontrollable way. Messing up. I didn't have a job back then. No place for her to go. I didn't know a lot that I know now. What I know now is that I love her, and I'm not afraid of it. I love her. This is unconditional, at my highest, which is where I try to speak from, and give the most to (my lowest of course I try to keep low, but it's there sometimes, probably out of forgetfulness).
But this is not to say I have hopes for her, or that I think she's "perfect for me"... because I love myself, too. I need someone for me, too, if I should have anyone in my life at all. The way I love her now, is that I want her happiness. I want her to love, and be loved, and I want relative peace for her. I'd support her if I could, any way I could. I'd be her friend. I'd love her child. And try to love who she loves. Really, not to get gushy, or fake. But I would rather feel love. I identify most.
She seems to be in my head, sometimes. It all kind of does. I met a girl with the last name Stark, on OkCupid- never met in person, just exchanged some words. I asked if her name was a reference to Iron Man or if it was her last name. She confirmed it was her last name- the first one with it that I had noticed. At this same time I was talking to Rayna, who I mentioned above, and some hours later, she said she just put her son to bed, and he was insistent on wearing his Iron Man costume, that she allowed- A never before occurrence, I guess, for him to want this. I would be the point that sees this, and I didn't relay anything between them until then, when I told her about the girl with the last name Stark.
I don't really know what route to take. I just keep watching.
I keep watching her.
In this time that we met, she's been more actively changing in ways that I am allowed to see. I tend to find another explanation, though, like how Valentines Day is coming up, and people come awake around this time of year anyways, as the days start to get longer, and the sun starts shining more orange (something about the angle letting more "orange" through).
But there are so many times. I just keep talking myself out of this.
I play in my lies.
I'm an opportunist.
xxxx