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Doing my taxes online.

This could be good.. but bad at the same time.

Idle hands, and a full bank account.

This really pissed me off today for some reason so I though I'd share my thoughts.

I don't understand why there is such a negative stigma surrounding Nicotine. Sure it's in Tobacco smoke - but it has MANY legitimate uses. Many studies have come out recently showing that Nicotine may be a very effective treatment against many psychological disorders - such as....Bipolar Disorder, Schizophrenia, Hyperkinetic Disorder (Also known as ADHD. However in ICD-10 ADHD has been officially renamed to HyperKinetic Disorder) Certain Anxiety Disorders, as well as Personality Disorders.

That's what people don't understand. It's not the nicotine that kills!!! It's the smoke that kills!! If you were to dry lettuce, roll it, then smoke it - you would end up with similar problems then if you were smoking tobacco. The carbon that is formed when something is burned is what causes your problems when smoking.

However, Tobacco can be blamed as well.

Tobacco contains other psychotropic substances (chemicals that are able to enter the brain). Specifically - there are 3 alkaloids in Tobacco that inhibit MAO enzymes. These are known as Monoamine Oxidase Inhibitors.

What Monoamine Oxidase Inhibitors (MAOI's) do is they stop the Monoamine enzymes from being able to break down Dopamine, Serotonin, Epinephrine (A.K.A Adrenaline), and Norepinephrine as well as any substance that is in the blood stream.

Because of this - these 3 alkaloids in Tobacco are actually what causes the addiction to Nicotine because the MAO enzymes would normally break down the Nicotine and make it inactive. But with these enzymes inhibited - the Nicotine is able to stay in the brain for a much longer period of time have a much larger and significantly more potent effect on the brain and central nervous system.

If Nicotine where the only substance in the body - it would normally be metabolized and entirely be filtered out of the body within 2 hours. But with these MAO enzymes present in Tobacco - they cause the nicotine to stay in the body for up to 20 hours after initial absorption.

This is why smoking while under the influence of cocaine makes it more likely that you will become dependent on cocaine.

It just pisses me off that anti-tobacco organizations use people's ignorance about the positive effects of nicotine against them and make false claims that Nicotine is the problem and that nicotine is cancerous and that's what causes your issues when in reality Nicotine has been proven to NOT be cancerous as well as not cause the problems that you see in people who smoke.

Which brings me back to my original point. It's not the Nicotine that kills - its the smoke that kills.

Ugh... so I totally just had a bulimic episode...

I'm driving home from Bobbi's house and something came over me. An urge so irresistible, so strong, that I, well, could not resist. I went to McDonald's and ordered a medium fry (crack fries as D calls them,) and one cookie. The I drove around barely chewing the food and stuffing it down my gullet. I was driving down a deserted highway (as I like to do when I'm doing "secret" behavior,) and as I was stuffing the last of the fries in my mouth, I just started crying. (wtf?) So there I am, driving down a deserted highway at night stuffing fries into my mouth with tears streaming down my face. I felt so hopeless. I felt so disgusted by my behavior. I felt so ugly. I felt so fucking out of control.

I notice each time I get clean from heroin, my bulimic actions and desires are getting stronger. I am scared that I will not be able to control this... I know these patterns. I recognize this type of thinking... if I don't do something, it won't be long until my descent into daily disordered eating. I swear, if my teeth ever get fucked up from this shit.. omg. I am way to vain to have fucked up teeth. I am rather surprised that my teeth look like they do after being an intermittent puker for so many years. When people compliment me on my teeth and how white they are I always think to myself..."hmmm if you only knew"

Old habits die hard.

I have a terrible habit of wanting to save people like I would save a stray puppy on the side of the road.

There's a guy, Scott that had recently began coming around to NA meetings. He is super quiet and shy, and probably one of the most socially anxious people I have ever met. Anyway, he came to the meeting tonight and admitted he had relapsed.. he had 10 days clean, then got high. I don't know what it is, but I feel so bad for him. He seems so broken. Like, I just want to take him, and fix him. Make everything go away, and cure him. I want to scoop him up in my arms and wave a magic wand and be able to tell him "Hey, everything is going to be okay" and really be able to make that happen.

I guess I'm just co-dependent as fuck or something. The audacity of me to think that I could help someone else when I can't even help my own damn self.

But I am in the beginning phases of writing a book. I know it seems a little farfetched but I have a lot of material for my manuscript, and an idea for who I would like to be an agent. I will probably write it under a different name, as I don't want notoriety or anything. I have been working on this for a while but just haven't shared it because it seems a little ridiculous to even say out loud.

Last night after my 12 step meeting, I went to eat with everyone. We are done eating and I excuse myself to go to the washroom and when I get back out everyone is already outside. They are talking and smoking and some had already left to their cars. As soon as I walk thru the door to outside my friend TP says in front of everyone "ARE YOU THROWING UP YOUR FOOD?!" Everyone got silent.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

edit

Well today I took my little one to a friend's party which was lovely for her. Usually these things are completely torture for me. Lots of people around. Usually I feel anxious and can't wait to get out of there feeling like it's the hardest possible thing to do. Now I'm on suboxone I took her today and I actually made conversation with people. I sat there confidently talking to other people like a normal person. I got through the three hours pretty fine. Usually listening to loud musice is really intense n invasive - well it wasn't today.

Oh and then we walked home in the dark. Now was I frightened of this? Nah I blissfully walked home, listening to the river, along the road - feeling calm n tranquil thinking of getting home to have a nice hot chocolate and a sasuage butty.

All is well with the world and I can take my child to a party and be a normal person without being a complete nervous wreck unable to properly talk to someone n not feeling like the loud music is too intrusive.

I actually paid hooky cooky with my daughter n her friends today - this was normal and ok for me to do.

I made the best decision of my life to get on suboxone to overcome my addiction n get my life back n if people want to hate me for it. Well that's their choice n none of my business.

What matters now is now and the future.....

lots of lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnng sunny walks,
around the stalks,
in the countryside,
where many will play and hide
full of trees,
with lovely calm, windy breeze
On, on and along
singing a peaceful song
going at a gentle pace,
after all no need to race.

Anyway now things are starting to go ok and I've got this confidence beyond belief I'm going to change my life. Get ripped, eat healthy, make new friend, learn how to manage confrontations without feeling intimidated n scared and ENJOY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can't really think of any other?

Evey xxxx

Hiya Everyone,

On a different note I think, no I KNOW that there is something not right with my body. At first I thought it may be the suboxone but if I say that I'm late with something on a monthly basis, going hot then extremely cls, feel like my heads full of fluid like it's going to burst. I think I may be on the change n I don't know how to feel about it.

Really kind of need to talk to someone who has gone through this or who currently is. Can a doctor do a test n find out if I am or not????

Evey xxxx

Soooo, in other news, I definitely got chased with a butcher knife last week. It was one week ago today, actually. A lady from my 12 step fellowship was sending a bunch of very strange text messages to me. She conveyed that she was suicidal so I picked up the phone to call her. She was hysterical and said she would be willing to go to the hospital. She asked if I would take her. I agreed. From being in the fellowship I know that you should not ever go alone when dealing with a potentially dicey situation. I called some other women in recovery that have the same or more clean time than me, and no one answered. Being that is WAS after midnight on a week day, I just went alone since no one answered their phones. Make a long story short, when I got there, she came at me with a big ass butcher knife. She didn't say a word, she just had this odd expression on her face. Her eyes were pitch black and she looked subhuman. I have never seen someone look that way.. it was almost if she was possessed. I immediately turned and ran and jumped down two flights of stairs into my car. I have never felt so panicked in my life. After everything that I have been thru and all the sketchy situations, this is the most haunting. She has a crazed, animalistic look in her eye that I cannot get out of my head. I called 911 and the police took her to the mental hospital. She got out yesterday and has since been harassing people in the fellowship. I know that there are just some things that this program cannot fix, such as mental illness, and some addicts need outside help.

I'm really not fucked up about it.. like, I don't mind if she comes to meetings, clearly she needs it. She got out yesterday and came to the meeting last night. I did not say hello to her. Halfway thru the meeting I left because of homework. A few hours later she texted me and said "I am deleting you, you need to do the same. And just leave me alone." Ok, whaaaaaaat? I have not had any communication with this lady since the night of the incident and she has the audacity to text me and tell me to leave her alone? I was furious and I wanted to text her crazy ass back and go in on her, but I tried my best not to react. I ignored it and I am sure that is not what she wanted. I heard thru the grape vine that she is telling people that I saved her life but I am making her feel uncomfortable at meeting because I didn't acknowledge her? Are you kidding me? Hi, you came at me with a butcher knife, I'm not gonna just immediately start talking to you.

I know that awareness is a gift, but it doesn't mean I will take it easily. I realize that in order to change I need to first be aware.. But it's like lately it seems all my character defects are on front street like I have a huge neon sign and an arrow pointing to my character defects. I guess that's bound to happen.

I am grateful for the opportunity to work on these defects and to learn how to not act on them.

Ahhh awareness, such a blessing and a curse all in one.

She has now changed 3, or 4 times in this short span of time, around when I met her. Maybe she always does this around this time of year.

I seem to have had a dream about sex with my/a sister, and a girl/girls were going to hunt food for me. Like my sister, but not.

And she who I say changed had a "face like a lioness" I once thought, though I haven't seen her in five years. The next one I met, with her name, came within a month- working at a new job and had my sister's birthday, and was the first person I noticed who had my mother's middle name, Faye. This reinforced observations from before with the girl. Mother and sister. In a way.

And the fact that she believes in "Faye", and I'm trying to explain things. My sister goes by her middle name, Jennifer, as Jenny. A Jinn is the Arabian world's "fairy", it has been said. It just seems close to say Jinni sounds like Jenny. Jinn/Jinni, and other names.

Sister's first name is Mary. My first time holding a girl's hand happened in a simulated Mars habitat. I've noticed Mar is around in certain ways.

My sister showed me her stuff one time. I was really little. 5-6. She must have been 12. Not that she molested me but that's the first time I saw a girl naked. I think I remember it was more educational. She was saying that she has what I have.

The next (saw naked) was Christina Marie.

Just been going to school and going home. Was meant to go to the flat today but wanted to pick up my bud and some peoples stuff they left here. Been listening to Snoop Lion's Reincarnated almost constantly since I heard it, brilliant album, never heard any of snoops other stuff. I want a pipe for weed, they are relatively easy to steal from Poundland apparently. I would pay for it if I was 18, but I'm not ^^

.. why not waste time, right? well, I am off to see my Dr. today. we'll be lowering my bupe dosage to 12MG/daily. although, I am recently coming from 8MG and staying way ahead of schedule; so this downgrade is no worry to me. I plan to stay far ahead as far as bupe dosing; the higher dosing helped at first to kill the edge/need but now after 6 months and only 2 slips the confidence and power is there so the bupe is no needed in the large dosing, but is needed to kick any WD's. I WANT to be off this shit within the next 6 months but let's see how that plays out.

what else? well, nothing. I still smoke a lot of weed; I'll do a benzo here and there and thats about it. I have sleeping pills scripted but trying to do away w/ all pills so not taking those; weed more than enough. still have a Celexa 10MG pill taking w/ morning bupe; would like to DROP that but last few times I felt OFF so been keeping the habit going. I am going to try and go every OTHER day w/ it and see what happens.

do I think I need these pills to live on!? NO! do I want to be on a drug the rest of my life and have a daily dosage!? NO! so what do I do!? well, its up to me, right?

was a good post I read on this board recently and some guy just going off about how WE MAKE OUR OWN CHOICES; there is NO 12 STEPS and NO ADDICTION; it's totally up to that person; and I honestly and truly agree. I've always seen it that way; was there a physical addiction? yes. I did withdraw. but could the mental addiction ALWAYS be beat if truly NEEDED/WANTED!? YES! 100%. if you told a DOPE FIEND not to touch dope or you will kill their MOTHER, I wonder what percentage would commit 100%!? crazy to think like that. hell, even to say that to me right now I'd be scared but I'd have to do it, right? you cant slip up. you are always full aware of what is happening. you just make up your own stories as to why you need to do it, right? or lie to yourself as to why? right? dont you!? I always did.

OK, I am rambling and some sick, twisted, weird writing happening as I listen to Mad Season live in Seattle 12/31/94. the sound of Layne's voice gives me twisted thoughts alone.

In the beginning, the first few months, feelings of guilt start to creep in. You think, "Why am I doing this to myself? This is not what I want out of life!". But as time passes, the guilt gets pushed further and further inward and you begin to care less and less, There's just no time for it anymore!

You have to steel yourself and put your feelings on the back burner. The only passion there's room for is the chase, the high, the moment when you can leave the constant grind of everyday life behind.

The ones that come to me, asking me to cop for them? The ones that think this is some sort of occasional thing they can indulge in, like going out to eat eat an expensive restaurant once in a while? I feel bad for them, feel somehow superior, God knows why? I've seen it before. Like anything else, you either have a knack for it and learn or you find a less dangerous hobby more suited to you....or you die, or you go to prison, get disowned by your friends family, quit school, lose your job or....... maybe just maybe you can be one of the few of us that can actually keep pace with the demon, for awhile...but be warned, that demon just gets faster and stronger and bigger every day....You gotta fight that demon tooth and nail, learn everything you can about his game......You got become as mean as he is, make em him work for you, make em your bitch!

Most junkies would've wanted a different life, to have been born into different circumstances, to have capitalized on all the missed oppurtunities...But you can;t go back, can't change who you are and creating a reality that's worth living in by traditional means, just seems like so much effort after a point, fuck it! We don't don't know what the fuck we want anyway....

How do you go after what you want when you don't even know what that is?

The dope thickens our skin, toughens us up, makes us immune to rejection, pain, freezing cold winter days, self-loathing. None of these can penetrate. Well..... sometimes, in the middle of the night, you wake up in a cold sweat and think,"This isn't my life! This is so horrible! How am I doing this!:....Then the sickness kicks in and you're faced with the decsion, which doesn't seem much like a decision at all. So you pull yourself together and do it again and again and again until it's all you have left. It's all you're good at. It's all you know. It's sounds sad to other people, but you know exactly what led up to this point and don't really feel too bad about it unless youre broke and sick. You're gonna keep it going until you have a good reason not to or until something forces you to. Fuck it, that's the nature of the game.

Five days clean on 1/28/14

I'm not one to count the days like this, but I'm serious about it this time.
Gabapentin - I shall worship you for your mercy.
Benzodiazepines - I shall thank you for easing pain, but you are dangerous so I stopped taking you today.
Magnesium/Potassium Gluconate - You help the chills go away, thank you for that. (Not the CVS kind, it has no bio-availability)

I felt better yestarday than I did today, but I also slept on a couch made of what I assume were fluffy iron shavings so maybe it's just that.
I also stopped the benzos. I wasn't taking them long but I was taking them hard because I really was hurting physically and mentally. However, I'm glad they're gone.
I've started exercising again (I'm a skinny young guy, weak from addiction), and I like it! I did not think I would but it makes me feel better for about an hour.

id like to try and describe my experiences of the past 4 weeks

i cant really do it justice because by nature i am a minimalist and find it extremely difficult to elaborate without being asked to

what has basically happened is that i had to lose my mind to find my self

it all happened with a manic episode (first of my life at the age of 20), where i was being super productive, super nice to everyone, super energetic and my thought processes were moving like a racing car

things that led to this manic episode were

juice fast - i had been living on low ish quality pure pressed fruit and veg juice (mostly fruit unfortunately which i suppose added to me excess energy), i reached 5 days i think before i reintegrated fibre into my diet, and that was the point i felt i had learnt enough to be able to stop fasting

acid + dmt - i tripped on some good clean tabs (around 180mcg) whilst on day 4 or so of the fast, it was pure bliss, i didnt really get the (true art) element i usually get on acid at night, but the revelations were very, very close to home and useful to me in life. it should be noted that i had been doing reading on proper reintegration of psychedelic experience so i better understood how to apply these 'smelling the floweres' concepts back into daily life.

nofap - theres a sub-reddit called nofap, its a community of people (most seem to have erectile dysfunction [i dont thank god], due to porn addiction, i wanted to try it out for myself so i did 55 days or so of not releasing any seminal fluid even in wet dream form, it did crazy thing to my body, kind of like letting a stew boil past when its cooked because i feel that it helped to tip my psychosis past the breaking point.

new environment - there was a small controversy about the thread i created about the aunt + dmt thing, i havent pursued it any further, but being at her house brought me back to my zen so to speak. her garden is spiritual bordering on extremely spiritual and perfectly created. i hosted a party there and it was one of the greatest gatherings of my life (although i dont know if my manic perspective skewed that vision because i was already starting to 'lose it' per-se.)

also i should add i had been doing some reading on taoist sexual kung fu and practicing some meditation

anyway there was one night i was at the house sitting place, i had just coked a very delicious dinner of bacon and eggs for my sisters friends and i could tell they were going to lez out with my presence there, so i walked home, it was super peaceful, on the way i think i visited the royal botanic gardens or was on bluelight destroying ppl in the lounge for kicks (as people do i guess), either way there was one point where i could smell the dmt molecule in a plant that grows over a fence to a junior primary school, i chewed the leaves and spat out most of the fibre, swallowed the bitter juice and then back on to bluelight, but having god like thought processes

i feel like the drug i was on was a cross between stimulant/amphetamine and psychedelic/deliriant

its very hard to tell and i am very curious what it was because it spirit guided me to the ER ward at hospital where i was psychotic for 2 days and thats probably another blog post once i can write it all out because so much crazy shit has happened in the past 3-4 weeks its difficult to type it all

peace and love

Mr.E

%)%)

In the future?

Will we be able to all look out and see our reflection? So much will be out there, and in a sense the frequency of everything will be turned up. Is there a point to where it's all just going to flow together, for everyone?

I seem to already see it, now, and it's been this way, and perhaps through certain points in time it's pronounced easier to us. I know it's always this way, no doubt, but of course, we're on a level.

But I'm wondering if soon even more things will seem prophetic, or synchronistic-- If it will be something of science-fact, that we know exists because it's inevitable for something to resemble, or relate to something else, in form. Will it just continue to happen, and be remembered, and added to, in our universal culture... And become closer to each of us, all of us? Or will somehow something work against this. Will we forget things.

As things would continue, it would seem that more things would be happening at once, that are related, and very likely now-always. If it all began at one would there not be connection on every level, to one?

Really loving Bluelight right now. I've met some amazing people n I feel this site has really helped me a lot. It's nice to have a good laugh instead of being serious all the time. You know what they say. "If you don't laugh you cry."
Assignment sent off so if I pass it that's 5 modules completed. One module n a dissertaion left before I get my masters though God knows how as I'm a right thick cow lol

Ok take care n be safe everyone ,
Evey xxxx

I've been taking 2-fma very frequently (3-5 times a week typically) for about 7-8 months now and it's still going well. Tolerance does not seem to be an issue, as the effects haven't really lessened. 2-fma still puts me in a good mood and makes me enjoy whatever I'm doing so much more. Usually I'm at work, loving the motivation I have to work as hard as I can. 95% of the time I'm using it as a functional stimulant, but I've had a couple mini binges of recreational use. Each time was just 1 day, but I'd dose 3-4 times total during the day. Gets me fucking amped and loving the fuck out of everything, but I try to keep that type of thing to once a month.

I was forced to take a 2 week break the beginning of this month, which I thought was going to suck, but it didn't. I felt fine. Of course I wished I was on it, but my energy level and overall mood were good.

2-fma seems to be a miracle drug. They should probably stop prescribing people adderall and switch to 2-fma instead. Except not really because then it'd be a controlled substance.

Normal day school wise, noticed with a slight change in attitude, people treat you very diffrent. Been having the most pathetic argument with some kid who blocked me on facebook, completely through other people which adds to the fun of it. He keeps uploading pictures of me high as fuck, failing to respect that there is a vague trust when you smoke lots with someone, not to take pictures that clearly show you stoned out your mind, caption them and put it on public news feeds. Anyway, I'm happy.

well, I was open about it yesterday; picked up a bundle and shot throughout the day (from 530-1130). since I've been somewhat clean for the last 5-6 months I started small; only shot .25 of the G. waited about 15 minutes; felt good but not THAT good; so shot another.25. wow, felt like heaven; forgot what it felt like to make random calls and talk, clean around the house when you dont have to, watch the Patriots game and be ready to cry but be happy at the same time, and also somewhat nod as time went on as I sat there on the couch and watched Football.

Anyway, woke up, smoked some weed and ordered steak tip sub and broccoli bites. all was good.

shot another .25 and around 830 and all was STILL GOOD! felt great, had a nod, took my other NEEDED MEDICATION and laid in bed reading this forum, cleaning the bedroom, folding clothes, etc.

at 1130 I blasted my last shot and just dazed off; woke up at 3AM w/ computer on top of me and my glasses on; shut off computer and took glasses off and went back to bed ASAP!

woke up this morning feeling great and still do; I waited 36 hours after my last 8MG bupe dosage to shoot that gram over a 6 hour period roughly (I used to shoot a G a shot, so times def. have changed).

I'll admit, I had fun.. but I dont THINK I lost control. the Patriots lost yesterday, so I had to use, right? ha.

didnt take anything yet today and MAY even wait till tomorrow morning to take my 8MG bupe; any advice on when to take my bupe again!?

yesterday was the first time I waited that long OFF BUPE to BLAST AWAY!

I could prob easily get away w/ taking the bupe between now and 5 but thinking that dope will last in my system till morning and I could take my 8MG then, right?

anyway, this isnt me looking for just bupe advice, but me telling a relapse story, so DO NOT put it in the bupe thread, no need. the peeps that know me on this board I am telling I relapsed w/ the needle. and I am admitting I enjoyed but today I am at work and still feel IN CONTROL, so let's see.

I haven't read my trip reports in years but went back to review some yesterday and today; I think I am a darn good writer. Some of the early ones lack flow but they improved as the years went by. They are all here....

http://www.erowid.org/experiences/exp.cgi?A=ShowAuthor&ID=33

and breath. and smell food, and other signals.

the penis developed to excrete urine as well as deposit sperm, and both are pleasurable.
the vagina is similar, but there is more outward differentiation, even as is inward.

the anus excretes solid waste, and is also involved in sexual contact, sometimes.
how we love our butts.

i have wondered how talking and eating and food are related...
i mean it's said that our ability to communicate came about, in part, from sharing meals with one another.

did the female rear develop naturally as a sexual signaler? at some point in our past, we definitely paid more attention down there. we could tell things about health, perhaps.

how does it all relate? i know it's all sexual... perhaps all communicative, as well. And food. Sex as food. Food as words. Food as sexual. The kiss. Nipples as sexual and where we get our first food.

What purpose in male? Its become pleasure. Heightened sensory.

Sex as communication- life as communication.

ya know!?! sometimes youre just bored and what else is there to do? well, I did work 12-4 but now home and have zero to do till morning (regular 9-5 during week). smoked a bowl to relax and all is good but ill be honest, the thought of dope did hit the head. no shot of it happening; few reasons:

1. I have a drug test Tuesday for my bupe; last thing I need is to not have my bupe.
2. I really dont want/need it and have been good the last 6 months aside from last weekend (shot time).

so, what to do? well, I write a blog here on bluelight to kill time while high and watching the Lakers/Knicks game. kinda fun to read back on your blogs as time goes on; I read back on my first one a minute before I did this and it's before I was even close to clean. it's actually when I was at my worst and it's me on here just saying I am a junk bag. ha. kinda funny.

well, bye-bye to myself, since its my blog/posts.