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First off, my long term aim is to write an academic paper on this (as well as the topic of my other blog, optimal emotional state).

However, to do so I first must outline all ideas comprehensively, then reduce or boil that down until the material addresses all core concepts in a manner concisely enough suitable for a paper.

Where to start.....

1) emotional performance = establishing energy

2) physical/sports performance = how to optimally apply that energy.

I would tell you that I am sorry for the hurtful words I said. Sorry for the violence. The anger. The arrogance. I should of stayed the same nice guy. Instead I tried to be something I can't be. I'm sorry you hate me. I'm sorry you feel you can't trust me. I guess sorry is the word of the day. I'm sorry they where right about us. I guess all good things on this planet die and decay

I have been in AA, in and out since 2007.
yesterday I started taking valium.
I am 49 years old.
I'm tired of trying.
I'm tired . Addicted for 35 years .
pray for ,me.

There's this used bookstore a few blocks down from my apartment that I go to semi frequently. I'm fairly acquainted with the proprietor, he knows that I collect books about drugs and will always be sure to show me the new drug literature he has in store when I visit. He tells me about this new book he got in the store about ayahuasca, I tell him I'd love to see it, he takes me over to a shelf and pulls out Jonathan Otts Ayahuasca analogs! My eyes immediately burst wide upon seeing the title, "oh my god, this book is really rare" I yell out stupidly. I immediately regret my statement, he was selling the book for eleven dollars, most of the copies online are going for around 500$. After I burst out the fact elusivity of the book, he takes it from me and looks up the price. Unfortunately I don't have 500$ to spend on any of Ott's literature, so I needless to say didn't end up buying it... Anyway, I hope your guys' days were a lot better, I'm going to go cry myself to sleep.

These Are Just What Stars Are, I Think.

SInce getting off methadone. It seems like my epilepsy has came back after about 6 months off. It totally could have nothing to do with me quitting methadone since I usually had a seizure every 6 months anyway. The ones I have had letely are different from the ones i started with about 7 years ago. I used to only have grand mauls. Three months ago I had started haveing petit mauls every other night. I did not quite black out but hit the floor and seized. It really sucks bad and hurts physicaly a lot. It happend 20 times one month. I went back to the hospital and since iv been on every damn seizure medication other than benzos since i had a history of being on methaodne. I was never treated nicely or fair in the hospital. The month after i had the seizures I had another 2 then I could not handle it anymore and I went to the hospital. I am in Canada so its free( but in a way it still sucks becasue it takes 6-16 hours to get in to see a dr at the Greater Sudbury Hospital;iI live about 4 hours North of Toronto) I ended up seeing a dr who looked at my past and all the different drugs that ddint work but it did say they had some success with Ativan(Lorazepam) so my neurologist deicded to prescribe me clonazepam. My dosage was 4 .5s a day so in the end 2mgs prescribed in a manner of 2 .5's in the morning and 2 .5's after supper. I didn't abuse the medicine at all and it was the best I have ever taken. My seizures stopped in 3 days. Only 2 small one the first and second day. Then none at all. Well since I still had my old methadone dr as one of the drs to send my info too( I do not understand why havnt been there years and i told them to take it off but they "forgot" ). My former methadone dr recived it and he is honestly not being biast the biggest asshole in the world. No joke. He was just on the news and being sued for not dropping patients and having much much more than is a lound.( since the Government pays him hundreds of dollars a month for each patient and we still have to pay 160 a month for the methadone unless you are on social assistance or have coverage with you're job..many don not ) Also he was not meeting his patients enough in person. He was always on the computer screen 5 hours away. Sitting there watching soccer half the time. lol Yay 1 goal per game so fun , " and ties you bet" jk around. This man actually had the nerve to call my nerologist who prescribed me the clonazepam and just talk complete shit about me, saying im way to much of a liability wiht my past addiction. Even though my neurogist already knew about the past addiction because I told her the methadone dr just had to call any and freak out about me. I still have an appointment but I bet I woint get the only med that fucking worked. I was actually able to go out and hand out resumes on it and be normal. No seizures anymore and I never abused it. Never took extra, never sold any. Makes me so mad that ill prolly lose the only drug that has worked for me. Fucking asshole methaodne dr im not even on it anymore.PLus i was clean for 3 years on his program and had all my carries for 3 years so why would he call and say im a liability? Just because he is a pure asshole. I hope my dr prescribes me clonazepam again honestly it really worked and I never abused it so fuck i deserve to have the only med thats worked. I kow my neurologist is going to give into the methadone dr and prescribe me something iv already had and try and trick me and say the breand name or drug name and ill say iv already tried it didnt work check my records, but I bet the Neurologist will prescribe it anywway. WHy cant life be fair. That methadone dr hasnt been my dr for months he has no right to call my neurologist and talk shit about me like that. My methadone dr was sucha fucking asshole. Took me 12 months to get 3 carries i wason 5 years. Took 2 years to get 6 when at least it should take 7 because the first one takes 2 montsh of being clean. ANyway I rambled so much if someone actually read all this thanks for reading I hope no one else has to experience something unfair like that.

********TRIGGER WARNING******** DARK SHIT, SUICIDE, MENTAL HEALTH*********







3 suicide attempts. 4 trips to rehab. 3 trips to the behavioral health unit. 4 overdoses. 1 trip to solitary confinement in jail for a week. So many car wrecks. Since 2014.

These are the dire consequences of the life I live and the result of my fatal impulses. It's like I seek destruction as a means and an end, and I finally have a feeling like I can overcome these things but it is still so difficult. I get antsy. I get anxiety. I am stable but devastation is always on deck to be released.

I have permanent physical consequences from my last suicide attempt. I severed an artery in my wrist with a sharp pocket knife, and I enflamed the tendonitis in my left knee to new levels after falling down some steps. These might be somewhat minor to some, but I now have this shit to upkeep and a permanent pain, I can no longer kneel or do a lot of normal things.

I'm starting this blog simply to tell my story and get my feelings out. I have to put it somewhere. And I trust the community of Bluelight to offer advice and solidarity as I go through these struggles. I am unemployed. Living at home with folks thankfully. But I'm at the point of desperation, all of my loans are behind and I have maybe 10 dollars to my name in all my accounts and stocks aside from my IRA. I'm hurting. I need help but the only person that can get me there is myself. Probably 6 months til I can drive, but my probation should be over in 2 months.

I'm getting there but it's tough. This is where I'm at. Feel free to tell me where you're at, I'd love to hear from all of you in your own individual ways. We are all important and we all have something to offer. That is the point of this website.

Anyway, I'll quit rambling for now. Sending you all love and positive energy. More to come I'm sure. I might write a book here who knows.

I trusted. I laid my nearly virgin heart on the altar of love i held back nothing. I gave freely of everything i had without reservation. Then when that was gone i got up everyday and ran myself to exhaustion physically mentally and morally. Because i loved you. I believed in us. I never quit i always forgave i told lies to everyone i ever called a confidont friend or aquantence. Because i loved you and i wanted you to know i was all in.

For a long time i believed you where just as committed. Doubt only crept in recently in a slow sickening buildup of sinister realization. Then in an instant the die was cast and i coukdnt deny it any longer. Love is dead my heart destroyed my purpose extinguished. So long my sweet princess ill never forget the eternity i spent with you before finding out that perfect things cannot exist outside the books we used to believe in. As if this life is simple enough for trite things like love to exist longer then briefly

The hyper-politically correct, overly sensitive social media landscape has taken a concept which should mean one thing and flipped it on its head to mean another thing entirely.

Body acceptance.

Body acceptance, according to the social media world, means as a society we must accept different body types and the people that are in them. That's fine.

However, how is accepting (and therefore condoning) an obese persons body type, not at best irresponsible, and at worst down right deadly? Sure, you might still be a beautiful person on the inside, but if you're unhealthily overweight, what makes you think it's *not* okay for others to call you out on it - especially if you parade that fact about yourself openly and proudly?

If I took a photo of myself with white powder caked on my nostrils, looking like I hadn't slept in three days, would you then expect me to write an essay on how this is all about "chemical acceptance," and if you can't see the way society has molded you to shame and judge drug users, then YOU'RE actually the one with a deficient social sensibility and conscience?

Is the hypocrisy and stupidity of this not clear? If someone is unhealthily overweight, we should not accept that scenario and tell them it's okay - just in the same way we don't tell drug addicts and people with similar conditions it's okay.

What we should be saying is - "I believe there is a beautiful person inside of you, but your obesity is hurting yourself and those around you - and for that reason, I do not accept your body."

If we had known how many of us would perish maybe we would have given more thought to the decision. It seemed pretty benign to just try it once you know for the experience. If we would of thought more about it would it have mattered? If we knew the funerals that would be sparsely attended. The holidays we would miss. The birthdays that are no longer celebrated. But really the death was just the epilogue of a slow motion tragedy played out over the decade that became our 20s. Those milestones we set on our calendars in middle school got slightly altered kinda quickly. Instead of graduating college we graduated rehabs. We started maintenance instead of careers. Over time the paper thin lies we told family and straight friends turned into awkward silence before the inevitable absence that took us even before death made it all so permanent.

All that's left of our permanent youth are Facebook pages and pictures that we didn't want taken. Our old friends speak our names in hushed tones and with reverence "do you remember that time before" it all fell apart and we gave our future over to chemists that don't pay taxes. Like I said where we really that sad had we known what we would give up to just feel the rush of a drug that we never had enough of. Can love really be obtained in a chemical solution? I dont really know but I do feel the estrangement from the person I was before all this bullshit transpired

If you take enough meth, then you are going to get woke, the opposite of politically correct. And "Once you are awake, you will stay awake."--Frederick Nietzsche.

Overdid the meth? Ethylamphetamine is lovely and heavenly with PUPILLARY DILATION. Mydriasis (dilated pupils) and nystagmus (eye wiggles) are solid gold indications of good things happening.

Ephedra gardened meth is a smoother and softer product than other forms of it, excluding levo meth, but I prefer most of the other kinds to it.

Lavender

The zeitgeist of each succeeding generation seems to come with its own version of the 'speedball', the combination of a stimulant with a depressant (typically of the opioid class). The combination of heroin with cocaine and or amphetamines in the early 20th century seems to have been the progenitor of endless experimentation with all sorts of pharmacophores and analogues thereof. But in an ever-evolving pharmacological landscape it can be difficult for the average junkie to keep up with the latest hype of polydrug use.

Introducing, the infinite monkey speedball theorem. A primate of some sort existing somewhere in space with access to an endless combination of opioids and stimulants. The theorem postulates that a monkey left to his own devices in a room with all the worlds possible different stimulants, analgesics, and opioid peptides will eventually discover the holy grail of speedballs. A speedball that will usher in a new era of productivity and euphoria for humanity, and maybe even make Chris Farley rise from the dead.

"i can go like... 3 whole days without it"
-you, probably.

So it's 1015 am . Gotta go to the methadone clinic. Then go panhandle. Same routine for almost 3 years now and it's starting to get old. No food in the fridge. Not a single dollar to our name. Yet we trudge forward still together or so we say.

The gulf between us now and us 3 years

Just got done watching the movie adaptation of the perks of being a wallflower... again. Its kinda my go to mental breakdown movie. Its like takimg a 50/50 on a gameshow. Either it pulls me right out of my funk cause i end up crying it all out or i dont feel anything for a few days and then we see how it plays out. Ive avoided it for longer than usual though. Seems i tend to have one about every 3 months with the wost in decemer and june. Seems i slid past that by what? A week?
Ig its progress.
Hell decwmber 10th 2021 was whn i attempted. So at least i beat that. Like a fucking game of tetris. Twtris is nice. Its a good game. I should play some tetris tommorow.
I have school tommorow so i should go to sleep soon. But who needs it? I lpok dead enough who tf needs beauty sleep. Beuty sleep is for beatiful losers.
Somtimes i loke to imaginge i am on a boat and im floating. Then it dosent feel so weird. It makes more sense. I hate boats. I remember when my dad would take me out on his fishing boat. Hes to busy now. Ten million kids. But at least he is around more than onxe a month now. He used to come home to sleep. Now he comes home to live. Its nice most of the time.
You know that feeling where the whole world feels like it is playing in mono? Everything seems worn and weathered. Like the smell of a library.
I love that old book smell but i prefer to smell it not see it.
Life feels like how old books smell

You Take The Low Road.
And I'll Take The HIGH Road.
And I'll Get To Scotland Before You.

Hey guys. Figured since 2022 can now officially kiss my ass id give an update.

As far as work goes its been a rollercoaster. My boss is an absolute tyrant and my entire department has becone very vocal that they are done with his shit. Mangement isnt doing jack shit and our HR manager quit awhile back soooooo... picture hell but instead of fire its a bunch of elderly people yelling at you that thier fucking lemons arnt purple enough and thats my job.

School is fine ig. Just typical american highscool bullshit. We have permenent metal detectors now because a kid got shot walking back from lunch and then a month after a kid stabbed someone in the caffiteria. We had one month where there was a lockdown litrualy no less that once a week, but thats just how it is now ig. Just gotta pull myself through these next 2 years.

Home has been better ig. My dad and i havent fought as much lately. We had a big blow up last week, but its been less frequent so im greatfull for that.

In hindsight of 2022 i think my biggest take away from the year us that i have to stand up for myself. Not gonna get anywhere or work on myself if im constantly dealing with others bullshit.

Cheers to 2023 guys! Lets make it a good one.

You know, touching kids. I don't. I've yet to see any convincing evidence, all have been caught lying about it, and not even FBI could get shit on him. I believe he wanted to expose real pedophiles an he got framed instead, like when my men Chester Bennington and Chris Cornell tried it too and got choked to death and they called it an hero (suicide in 4chan speak) i just hate it when evil people make everyone believe lies about good people. I saw MJ as a very nice guy. I think about him everytime i go to Las Vegas, he loved all the fake egyptian art they sell there.