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"i can go like... 3 whole days without it"
-you, probably.

So it's 1015 am . Gotta go to the methadone clinic. Then go panhandle. Same routine for almost 3 years now and it's starting to get old. No food in the fridge. Not a single dollar to our name. Yet we trudge forward still together or so we say.

The gulf between us now and us 3 years

Just got done watching the movie adaptation of the perks of being a wallflower... again. Its kinda my go to mental breakdown movie. Its like takimg a 50/50 on a gameshow. Either it pulls me right out of my funk cause i end up crying it all out or i dont feel anything for a few days and then we see how it plays out. Ive avoided it for longer than usual though. Seems i tend to have one about every 3 months with the wost in decemer and june. Seems i slid past that by what? A week?
Ig its progress.
Hell decwmber 10th 2021 was whn i attempted. So at least i beat that. Like a fucking game of tetris. Twtris is nice. Its a good game. I should play some tetris tommorow.
I have school tommorow so i should go to sleep soon. But who needs it? I lpok dead enough who tf needs beauty sleep. Beuty sleep is for beatiful losers.
Somtimes i loke to imaginge i am on a boat and im floating. Then it dosent feel so weird. It makes more sense. I hate boats. I remember when my dad would take me out on his fishing boat. Hes to busy now. Ten million kids. But at least he is around more than onxe a month now. He used to come home to sleep. Now he comes home to live. Its nice most of the time.
You know that feeling where the whole world feels like it is playing in mono? Everything seems worn and weathered. Like the smell of a library.
I love that old book smell but i prefer to smell it not see it.
Life feels like how old books smell

You Take The Low Road.
And I'll Take The HIGH Road.
And I'll Get To Scotland Before You.

Hey guys. Figured since 2022 can now officially kiss my ass id give an update.

As far as work goes its been a rollercoaster. My boss is an absolute tyrant and my entire department has becone very vocal that they are done with his shit. Mangement isnt doing jack shit and our HR manager quit awhile back soooooo... picture hell but instead of fire its a bunch of elderly people yelling at you that thier fucking lemons arnt purple enough and thats my job.

School is fine ig. Just typical american highscool bullshit. We have permenent metal detectors now because a kid got shot walking back from lunch and then a month after a kid stabbed someone in the caffiteria. We had one month where there was a lockdown litrualy no less that once a week, but thats just how it is now ig. Just gotta pull myself through these next 2 years.

Home has been better ig. My dad and i havent fought as much lately. We had a big blow up last week, but its been less frequent so im greatfull for that.

In hindsight of 2022 i think my biggest take away from the year us that i have to stand up for myself. Not gonna get anywhere or work on myself if im constantly dealing with others bullshit.

Cheers to 2023 guys! Lets make it a good one.

You know, touching kids. I don't. I've yet to see any convincing evidence, all have been caught lying about it, and not even FBI could get shit on him. I believe he wanted to expose real pedophiles an he got framed instead, like when my men Chester Bennington and Chris Cornell tried it too and got choked to death and they called it an hero (suicide in 4chan speak) i just hate it when evil people make everyone believe lies about good people. I saw MJ as a very nice guy. I think about him everytime i go to Las Vegas, he loved all the fake egyptian art they sell there.

Hello old friends. I spent so much time here over the years that it is strange to not be here like I used to be. I registered my first account when I was 15 and I just turned 34 in November. That's fucking crazy!

No I'm not sober. Still doing whatever drugs I want and or can get. I'm still with the most amazing women who I don't deserve. We still have an apartment that the government pays for (suckers). I work for myself I mean I panhandle lol. Life's good I'm having fun. Some days still suck. But that's ok. I finally realized happiness is a choice. I decide everyday what my expectations are and that decides the probability of me being happy. It's simple yet profound.

Ok now this takes the cake. My country is really upside-down these days. I thank God that I can no longer get pregnant. This country used to be based on the separation of church and state. I understand people not liking abortion, but accidents happen. Now these asshole judges in the Supreme Court have reversed the separation of church and state and the Fundamentalist Christian hypocrites are in power whether we like it or not. So I read in the news online that employees at Walmart are refusing to fill scripts for birth control pills? Oh hell no. According to the news some employees shamed a couple of female customers and refused to sell them condoms and birth control pills. This is just getting beyond ridiculous. I would of loved for those bitches and dickheads try to refuse me birth control cause I'd let them have it. Bitch pull your head out of your ass and sell me my damn pills! This country has really gone crazy. Before they never would have dreamed of forcing a ten year old rape victim to continue a pregnancy to term. The state of Ohio denied her an abortion because they "care about children." Unfuckingbelievable. They care more about an embryo that is not here than the life of a child that has been traumatized enough as it is. The whole fucking country has gone nuts. Not cool. I'm glad I never had children. I'd hate to see them grow up in a country that has fewer rights than I did. And it's getting worse.

I don't normally start threads about myself. Or rather I didn't back when I was active here. But those who know me know I'm big on marking anniversaries, and this is a biggie for me and this place. So I decided to mark it here. Tonight is exactly ten years since I joined bluelight and for better and worse this place has been significant for me. Significant enough that I felt I had to say something to mark the occasion.

It's truly hard to believe it has been as long as it has. I don't know why, but I actually remember quite vividly joining bluelight. I was on my then bf's computer in his room as his parents place, not long before we got our own. I'd never have expected so much of what I would experience over the ten years to come. Either here on bluelight or in real life.

I've thought a fair bit since leaving last year if I'd ever return to being active on bluelight. Saddly much as I do sometimes miss the early years, I don't think I'll ever be active here like I used too. But there's much I was glad to be a part of here. Most of all the simple stuff. Giving people advice, support, information, or just letting them know someone cares.

That's always been the thing I felt was most important here, as in life. Helping people. It's probably the most fundamental value that makes up who I am. That people matter. That people helping each other is the single most positive thing humans can do. That it should be at the heart of every decision. I can't claim I have been perfect at it. Far from it, in my addiction I've probably done more harm to others than the average. In truth nobody is going to be perfect at it, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try.

Be good to each other. It doesn't matter how much bad is in the world, or how futile it might seem. Every human is irreplaceable, of a value that is incalculable, and exists in the world for so very brief a time. We are all we have, even the smallest act of kindness matters.

Till next time.

i havent watched ufc in a few months, but today = charles oliveira vs islam makhachev, i mean COME ON, im not saying this is the baddest ufc match in the past 3 years or so, but CAN YOU NAME A BETTER ONE? i'll wait.
My mind says Islam, but my heart says Charlie Olives

Well I bought a New batch of amphetamine paste and I'm using intranassaly and It works fine. Other day I IVed a nice dose and I felt nothing. I didn't miss the vein, I softly heat the solution, filtered and shoot It. What's wrong?
Why I'm not feeling a rush described by other users like a great rush similar to cocaine.
Thanks in advanced
Peace &

It sucks??? Literally made to stalk people, it has no other purpose. Sell stuff maybe, and getting tracked by feds. What other purpose does it have?

Im back bitches

I havent been on for awhile. Got off opiates compleately... hopefully. Not gonna put money on that.
I reached my goal weight, felt nothing, lovely...
Long story short everything i have been clinging to has failed me.

Imma keep losing weight but i dont really have a number anymore. Its alot easier now too with the vyvanse.

Idk. Same old shit diff method ig.
Guess yall will be seeing more of me

I mean yeah, i have completely detoxed from opiates, but what am i supposed to do with it, just leave it there? I'm not Superman.

Here's my story: I cant think straight but want to put some thoughts down.

I had a C6/C7 fusion done in 2006 for a whiplash injury I got surfing in 1998; surgery didn't solve my problem well at all; been going to doctors and gulping opiates ever since. With shock like pain going down my arms and legs, weak all over; burning shoulders tight hamstrings and weak quads; all somehow from my neck. I was a triathlete before and super active; being 29 at the time; had a sweet house a good job and a younger wife. She liked that I was a homeowner and an athlete. Injury to myself coordinated with her pregnant for the first time. Haven't run or done a pull up since 1998. Managed to continue mountain bike, hiking and surfing and skating. Although impaired; real estate was going nuts so I slumlorded for a decade or so; juggling houses in Santa Barbara, Utah, and Central Oregon. Changed jobs from organic truck farmer/veggie seller; to getting my license and teaching school.

Never really able to keep a job as my physical condition was too much; didn't stop me from taking teaching jobs for short times all over Oregon. Eastern Oregon and Central Oregon and Coastal Oregon, I worked all over. In 2013, with two kids, one scholar and one stoner skaterat hitting puberty; my son and I put a skateramp in my wife's garage parking spot which irked her for sure. I had a trailer at the beach; and a condo which I would rent out weekly; which also irked her. Packing up her possessions and cramped camping was not her idea of a fun way to make money but I loved it. I could be at the beach, volunteered at a YMCA with my kids in tow every summer for fun experiences; which we had plenty of.

Eventually, my daughter put herself thru college and is a chemist in town; my son burned out from skate rat to minor in possession of weed; recently legalized for adults but penalized for minors. After years of forced therapy where he never cracked; he ended up with a GED.

I also bought a business in 2013; that we ran together for7 years. Bought my wife a job with our last bit of real estate; a farm store. Covid and divorce ended that one; I ended up with a garage full of drink coolers and display racks which I peddled off slowly. The juice bar/sandwich stop/ farm store, at which my wife and I could be our own bosses. It ended up sealing our fate, unfortunately. Passive agressive disagreements abounded with her and I having different philosophies. I was fly by the seat of my pants; she wanted a retirement account and insisted on deserving a nice car whether there was money for it or not. Wheeling and dealing versus safe stability was our main conflict; as well as my being compromised by my neck injury.

So we had moved to Central Oregon from Los Angeles. Selling Santa Barbara for two houses in Oregon. A short stint among the Mormons in Utah was a fun little side trip; as was living in a community of 400 and teaching school in the sticks. So I did some landlording and buying and selling of houses; easy money till the 2009 real estate bust caused a foreclosure and downsizing to one property; Also bought business; my wife at the time, she was my front for lots of family get togethers; and basically my caretaker; which sucked for her. Never have your wife be your caretaker or business partner! She couldn't help me and also blamed me for seemingly not putting in my fair share of work; We slowly were growing apart; until a 2017 accident and dual concussions for us both; it seemed to sever her from her emotions, she stopped being a mother to her kids and a faithful wife and helpmeet for me. She couldn't think to make sandwiches and soup anymore; soon she was gone. Everyone has ditched me save for my son; who, ironically, sells vegetables at a farm store; too bad he was out getting high when we could have used him at our farm store! At least I have him; but even that is tenuous.

He has a DUI conviction and is skipping on his penalty and conviction; basically you could say I am harboring a fugitive in my home. I drive him to work; he doesn't drive, doesn't hang with his friends anymore because he knows they fuck about with drugs, guns, fast cars, etc, and will shortly be encountering the cops as they are reckless. But currently he can't reckon with his problems; he's anxious and just waiting to get lit up and tossed in jail, where he will have to kick nicotine, alcohol, and kratom all at the same time. I'm enabling him I know; he's my only reliable friend. And we live together. He never even told his mom about his DUI. As she has moved on and formed a Brady Bunch type new family. Good riddance to her as she done me dirty after I burned her out as my helpmeet.

Rock, meet hard place. My daughter doesn't see me as it breaks her heart; ex-wife took our business off the table in our divorce. Thinking hard about leaving the state with my son; back to California to wherever a surgeon will cut me; I don't have much to lose by trying to fix my spine; but I also haven't travelled more than 1 hour in 4 years. No seeing family or friends, no skating(legs too shaky), no surfing(calf cramps), no working.

Not wanting to be a victim I try to walk and swim and skate a little but exercise does not help me get better or stronger.

My therapist says to keep working and demand reasonable accomodation. Like I am going to teach middle school in a cervical collar and make all the students only stay to my left as I can't look right.
Up until 2017 I would skate with my students after work at the local skatepark. My primary doc is taking my off clonazepam currently; then methadone next. Maybe switching me to suboxone for opioid misuse disorder. Not that I ever really went off script with opiates to manage my pain; but they are not really helping enough anymore. Luckily I am on a pain contract.
So at least I can wean off the meds pretty slowly. I want another surgery; I know the risks, but I have symptoms that have not been adressed and I feel like they could be with a surgery at the correct level; although it will bankrupt me and may not fix me; I am aware. Maybe it will address my pain which is giving me a constant occipital headache since my last surgery; the pain really concentrated at C4 and I found out I have the instability at C4 and have probably had it since my first whiplash; causing sore neck and leg and arm weakness. Like changing a tire takes me a month; I take job after job that I end up bailing on. I can't seem to function; I am only 54 and really want life back.

I had bought her the cook job and managed the produce; stupid I know. Setting up shop in the morning; going to work as a teacher; then closing shop after work. More lifting, but I got by with teaching and co-managing our store. I told her that an ambulance would be taking me home from the job; not far from the truth!

2017 she was driving, taking us home from work and she T-boned a truck. Almost killed a 16 yo girl. Not her fault she was driving and it is a notorious intersection by our work. My head hit the window, lost my front teeth; but my wife got a severe concussion and pretty much gave up the ghost on the business and our lives. She needed help; I couldn't do it and when she recovered she was gone. Started going on long walks and turning the location off her phone, etc. The lawyer that was going to rep us dropped us because of divorce; I felt like a deer in the headlights and did not hire a lawyer for divorce or for the injury from the car wreck. However; she hired a new one and got a settlement of 75,000, I settled for 5,000. Oh well, it didn't really get better from there. I found a new girlfriend who turned out had borderline personality disorder, my son got a dui, and I grew ever more isolated, bright side is I still own my house as real estate had been favorable to me from CA boom. I spent 60k on Lyrica, and 45k on a surgery that wasn't covered after the fact. So fucking stupid, my insurance is useless at this point; they wont pay for injections or surgery either; and are trying to price me out of my opioid meds.

Then in 2017; had a t=bone car wreck which screwed me up worse. 2021 and a new artificial disc put in at C6-C7. Turns out now I have a verterbrea out of of place at C4, its like my doctors have given up on my and my all over weakness that I believe is caused by my 3mm(only grade 1) cervical instability(spondylolisthesis), needs a fusion, in my opinion, as injections into my facet joints or steiroid shots never work. Ibuprofen is my savior in that it reduces my symptoms. Prednisone is an option. I can barely move my neck; I am begging my doctors to fuse up my C4 to my C5; but they don't want to limit my mobility. like I have any significant mobility.

So I am basically disabled; on 40 mgs methadone and 30mgs hydrocodone daily. Im fucking over it and am looking for a surgery but noone in my town will do it. So I am shopping around my MRI and Xrays, cat scans, etc, to spine specialists, problem is I dont travel well.
Since my disc replacement in 2021; things have gotten so much more intense; must be more pressure is put on C4 now.
Occipital headache and brain fog is my newest thing; since surgery last year. Docs are saying opiates will do that; but I feel like my problem is concentrated at the C4 level that gives me all the symptoms of spondylolisthesis; a condition also known as cervical instability; its not too severe looking and only 3mm; but driving me nuts as doctors think I am just crazy at this point and just throw pain meds at me; then I get a new primary doc and he wants to take them away and have me just cope with intractable pain.

So I've read some news articles that states are going to be restricting travel to prevent women from getting abortions in a state that it's legal! OMG ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!!! So now all of a sudden the USA is a fucking dictatorship? Piss on the damn judges that have started a ban on the rights most Americans have enjoyed. Next they will ban gay marriage, birth control, and hell why don't they install cameras in all of our houses to boot? Normally I don't bother with social media and Facebook, but this one time I did speak out. I only have people that I know IRL for the most part on my FB contacts and only have 57 friends. I'm not sure when the majority of them became right wing fanatics, but I did say that unless we all pull together and do something about this (which they won't) then little by little the Supreme Court will be taking away more and more of our rights. I stated that I don't care how you feel about abortion, slowly becoming a dictatorship is NOT ok! I knew that asshole Trump was trouble right from the start. He is bad news and sure enough because of him, we've had nonstop violence here. He is the reason the Supreme Court was able to do what it did by making sure there was an imbalance of power. So I will not be quiet about this. I will go down fighting, for all of the good it will do. I don't understand why so many people are okay with this.

"Let it happen. If it wants, to whatever it can happen to. And what's affected can complain about it if it wants. It doesn't hurt me unless I interpret its happening as harmful to me. I can choose not to."

So this TSA dude who was very handsome was like "lemme check yo phone" i was like wtf no, why?
He said "y not?" I was like uhhh privacy?!?!? He deadass pissed himself laughing, huh, whats funny about not wanting a random dude to see yo phone? He ended up seeing my phone anyways, idgaf cus ion got no nudes or anything like that but wtf that shits gotta stop, its not ok.

I'm trying to figure out how to get off of this stuff.

4 grams every night, for the past 6 years. Actually I'm "down" to 4g/night (from higher doses).

I don't get any especially enjoyable effects for it nor have I ever really. Occasionally i'll get some nice music enhancing mania but its pretty rare. I only resorted to phenibut after taking 900mg/day of pregabalin for a few years, then tapering down, switching to gabapentin, then stopping. I was fine during the day but couldnt sleep for months (an hour or two, maximum, per night for around 90 days and I couldn't take it any longer). I've been taking phenibut ever since.

Granted given my past as a notorious drug addict, this is by comparison, quite sober by my standards. Still this phenibut feels like its sucking the ambition out of me. Pregabalin was even worse in that regard, it puts you in this nihilistic mindset.

I need to get more serious about getting off this shit, every time I try to taper I get hit with some heavy anxiety, thinking about switching to f- phenibut or baclofen. I'm sure getting off this shit would be life changing. I feel like I'm living in a perpetual phenibut hangover. Recently I had forgotten I had taken my nightly 4g of phenibut and took another 4g, for a total of 8g. The next day I felt so gross and sedated, also very nauseated and irritable. I was incapacitated. I realized, "shit, I'm feeling half this awful everyday". It's also extemely acidic and appears to messing with my GI tract, and possibly liver and kidneys, although recent bloodwork showed normal values, aside from slightly elevated albumin levels. Yet, I am constantly, unusually thirsty and have various suspicious abdominal pains. I need an ultrasound and MRI. My moderate but extremely consistent (nightly) alcohol use likely exacerbates the issue.

I need to give tapering this stuff a more serious try. I mean I tapered off 380mg/day methadone to 0mg so this shouldn't be a problem?

Tonight was:

Phenibut: 3,976mg
Alcohol: not over yet, but probably "7 drinks" (via a mixture of wine and beer)

So I just picked up my prescription for lyrica ( pregabalin 150mgx120) supposed to take 4 a day. Well me being me I abuse it. I went without it for a while cause I take way more than prescribed. Last months prescription I took 4 pills once a day and felt pretty good. Then I started taking more and more and ran out. So I went a couple weeks without. I’ve been taking it since April but took gabapentin occasionally and got a huge tolerance. But I don’t take it for longer than a few days then take a break for a few days but I went a but I am taking 6-9 pills at a time 2 times a day and this is only my second day in my script. I take so many other things that it’s hard to tell what is giving me withdrawl or not giving me withdrawl. I have a huge tolerance to everything (oxycodone daily, clonazepam for about 15 days out of the month) I don’t know what to do. I want to stop everything but it’s so hard. I don’t remember the last time I went a day without taking a pill.

So my question is, why did my tolerance to this go so high so fast. I don’t want to take it daily cause I don’t want to NEED it. But I don’t know if I do cause I have suck a high tolerance and mix it with so many other things. I have no idea why I’m not dead really 45 mg of oxy daily, 2 grams of lyrica, 1 mg of Xanax and that’s just in the last 12 hours. Am I fucked?

Ok I haven't been to my blog in a long time. I've been clean for almost 9 years and I'm so grateful that BL and their blogs were available when I was using. Are our blogs not ours anymore? So now they are discussion boards? I haven't been here in a while, but I like to document my thoughts and events. I worked at a birth control and abortion facility back in the 80s when abortion was legal in all states. I am freakin pissed that these asshole judges are butting into our personal lives. THEY HAVE NO RIGHT! Now all these states where poor people reside are fucked. Victims of rape, incest, people that just had babies and got pregnant again are being forced to go through with pregnancies they don't want or need. The rich and well off will always be able to get abortions if they want. The families of these friggin judges will be able to get them, but heaven help those that are among the working poor or living in squalor. I've been poor for most of my life. I've worked but made piss poor wages. I am going to college to get my bachelor's degree to try to change that, but I'm so angry and very concerned for these people who these worthless judges have made decisions for a bunch of strangers. God damned Trump for appointing these right-wing conservative judges. God only knows how many women Trump knocked up. How many abortions did he pay for? I'm simply appalled that this could be allowed to happen. I don't want children. I never had any. That was my decision. I am so glad that I can no longer get pregnant. How could the US allow us to be put back into the dark ages. Next, they will try to take away gay marriage, birth control, and sterilization eventually. This means more poor people on the dole and higher crime rates. This is not about the love of children. It's about keeping women and poor people down.