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But 1st, What Is THE_MATRIX?
The Matrix Is What We Live In. It Is All Around Us. It Is A Supercomputer Generated, Digital Dream Made Necessary By The Nuclear Fiasco.
Now, As For METH:
Most People Are Simply Sleep Walking (or already dead, I'm really not sure), but a healthy methamphetamine habit is the KEY to unplugging oneself from the matrix and waking up.
Unfortunately, from what I understand commercial ICE methamphetamine is now so cut (or something) that it doesn't even keep one awake for even 24 hours. That's a shame, but I already did enough over 25 years to wake up.
Yes, but what about L.O.V.E?
That would be filed under MDMA, but I can't even get good MDMA anymore.
The Matrix Is What We Live In. It Is All Around Us. It Is A Supercomputer Generated, Digital Dream Made Necessary By The Nuclear Fiasco.
Now, As For METH:
Most People Are Simply Sleep Walking (or already dead, I'm really not sure), but a healthy methamphetamine habit is the KEY to unplugging oneself from the matrix and waking up.
Unfortunately, from what I understand commercial ICE methamphetamine is now so cut (or something) that it doesn't even keep one awake for even 24 hours. That's a shame, but I already did enough over 25 years to wake up.
Yes, but what about L.O.V.E?
That would be filed under MDMA, but I can't even get good MDMA anymore.
After 3 months of being in purgotory i awake. I have just been realeased from solitary confinment and about the last thing i remember is pissing on a security guard. Im in a room with about 5 other people 2 of which are smoking out the window. I get out of bed and this guy with a thick african french accent greets me. He knows my name. Do you wanna smoke a joint with me he says? Well fuck you don't have to ask me twice. He has some northern lights haze which is fucking excellent. He doesnt know how to roll a joint so i roll it. I learn he is from Rwanda and that his parents fled the genocide. Atleast i have a interesting roomate.
I try and think back to what exactly led up to this moment. I remember being thrown in solitary about 5 or 6 times for fighting with security but thats about it. How can i not remember 3 months of my life? It's fucked. I was completely unmedicated for 3 months up until today. No morphine no clonazepam and no anti-psychotics. Not even lopermimide for wd ffs. My doctor is a sadist. LOn learn she is withholding morphine from another patient as well. Thankfully after flipping out and gettimng into a fight yesterday my brother got me another shrink so im atleast on a anti-psychotic now.
I light up the joint and damn does it feel good. I don't think i smoked much weed when i thought i was dead. Oh well atleast im not dopesick anymore and the benzo wd's are gone. We finish ther joint and just as we are about to go out a nurse walks in without even fucking knocking. How rude i say I smell weed she says. I just walk out and we say we dont know what your talking about. we dicide to order pizza and thank fuck for outside food. I seem to have also have put on quite abit of weight which is distrubing but i can live with that
All there is to do is watch tv. My computer broke before i came in here and i don't have a smartphone so i have nothing to do. they should have a playstation here ffs for somethying to do. bedtime is at 10 but they check in on you with a flashlight every hour so sleep is not really a option. I miss freedom. I miss being able to smoke a joint or a cig in peace,. I miss being able to drink a beer in the middle of the night. I also miss my cat and my gf. One fucked up thing that happens is a few days after i came to i am watching tv and this young chick comes over and grabs me by the dick. It is right in front of everyone but thankfully no nurse is present. Wtf? i say. I quickly get her hand the fuck out of my pants cause this is hardly the time or the place. Goddamn she could have atleast have asked me to go in the bathroom.
Besides that it'd basically wake up at 8, eat breakfast, eat dinner ast noon, eat supper at 5, snack time at 9, then bedtime at 10. In between that it's smoke cigs, smoke weed, order food and run up to the shop if you have privlages to kill the boredom. Im not allowed out yet though which is fucked. My fellow patients all seem cool. One guy knows a guy from my town and constantly talks about when you could get real coke back in the 80's. Talking to the shrink doesent happen often and when it does it'd like talking to someone in another language. We don't seee eye to eye or like each other at all. She's a bitrxh and seems to not like the fact that i know anything about drugs and talksd down to me. My brotheer also hates her.
besides that there is not alot to tell. Sadly i can't remember the first 3 months of my stay really so i can't write about that. If anyone who reads this has ever had cotards syndrome please hot me up. It's a very rare disorder.
I try and think back to what exactly led up to this moment. I remember being thrown in solitary about 5 or 6 times for fighting with security but thats about it. How can i not remember 3 months of my life? It's fucked. I was completely unmedicated for 3 months up until today. No morphine no clonazepam and no anti-psychotics. Not even lopermimide for wd ffs. My doctor is a sadist. LOn learn she is withholding morphine from another patient as well. Thankfully after flipping out and gettimng into a fight yesterday my brother got me another shrink so im atleast on a anti-psychotic now.
I light up the joint and damn does it feel good. I don't think i smoked much weed when i thought i was dead. Oh well atleast im not dopesick anymore and the benzo wd's are gone. We finish ther joint and just as we are about to go out a nurse walks in without even fucking knocking. How rude i say I smell weed she says. I just walk out and we say we dont know what your talking about. we dicide to order pizza and thank fuck for outside food. I seem to have also have put on quite abit of weight which is distrubing but i can live with that
All there is to do is watch tv. My computer broke before i came in here and i don't have a smartphone so i have nothing to do. they should have a playstation here ffs for somethying to do. bedtime is at 10 but they check in on you with a flashlight every hour so sleep is not really a option. I miss freedom. I miss being able to smoke a joint or a cig in peace,. I miss being able to drink a beer in the middle of the night. I also miss my cat and my gf. One fucked up thing that happens is a few days after i came to i am watching tv and this young chick comes over and grabs me by the dick. It is right in front of everyone but thankfully no nurse is present. Wtf? i say. I quickly get her hand the fuck out of my pants cause this is hardly the time or the place. Goddamn she could have atleast have asked me to go in the bathroom.
Besides that it'd basically wake up at 8, eat breakfast, eat dinner ast noon, eat supper at 5, snack time at 9, then bedtime at 10. In between that it's smoke cigs, smoke weed, order food and run up to the shop if you have privlages to kill the boredom. Im not allowed out yet though which is fucked. My fellow patients all seem cool. One guy knows a guy from my town and constantly talks about when you could get real coke back in the 80's. Talking to the shrink doesent happen often and when it does it'd like talking to someone in another language. We don't seee eye to eye or like each other at all. She's a bitrxh and seems to not like the fact that i know anything about drugs and talksd down to me. My brotheer also hates her.
besides that there is not alot to tell. Sadly i can't remember the first 3 months of my stay really so i can't write about that. If anyone who reads this has ever had cotards syndrome please hot me up. It's a very rare disorder.
Jj was my oldest friend. No matter how much time and distance passed between us our reunions never felt awkward. I used him as an anchor to my past as i lurched forward toward becoming an Andrew who's skin i felt at home in. I can not believe your gone at 34. A car accident. My anchor cut. Fuck.
Death. I think its the suddeness of the vanishing act that really trips me out. Over. Done. Gone. Three days later a viewing then the next morning grave side service followed by lunch then most everyone forgets you existed. 5 msybe 10 people at most are left standing around dazed but thats it really. Final. Check the box score err i mean facebook tribute page for the final thoughts.
No more memories to be made. Im just left wondering wtf happened. 70 mph into a tree on a 4 lane interstate at noon with no brake marks no slide and very little deceleration. Like i can only draw the obvious conclusion which is you did that shit on purpose. Why? You could of called me. I mean fuck i could have helped. You always saved my ass i wish you wpuld havr let me try.
Honestly i wasnt shocked i thought you sounded down when we talked the last few times. You seemed to be stuck in the gravity well of the black hole of "adult respondibility". Our family has a toxic set of expectations that they managed to trick you into believing. That vanilla is the only flavor adults eat as if a paint by numbers is on the same level as a bansky.
Lies. destructive Lies. You where always the perfect one. You where praised for embracing vanilla as the only flavor. You bought into the hype of a middle class existence as if hell wasnt the only outcome. You played by the rules. You graduated college. Got a job. Bought a house. Married a vanilla girl who gave you a kid. Never even considering that vanilla is a lie. Happiness was not around the next corner. Until i guess one day you had that awful realization. Trapped. Andrew wasnt a liar. They lied. Now jj you cant be andrew but you sure as fuck were not vanilla at heart. You repressed that "irresponsible indulgence of youth". Deeper into the desolate tastless world of work and mortages and weekends. Hell.
So you lost. You traded your youth for stability but ended up dead in your used car. Like i told you differed pleasure is life wasted. I guess you got screwed. Sorry bro
Death. I think its the suddeness of the vanishing act that really trips me out. Over. Done. Gone. Three days later a viewing then the next morning grave side service followed by lunch then most everyone forgets you existed. 5 msybe 10 people at most are left standing around dazed but thats it really. Final. Check the box score err i mean facebook tribute page for the final thoughts.
No more memories to be made. Im just left wondering wtf happened. 70 mph into a tree on a 4 lane interstate at noon with no brake marks no slide and very little deceleration. Like i can only draw the obvious conclusion which is you did that shit on purpose. Why? You could of called me. I mean fuck i could have helped. You always saved my ass i wish you wpuld havr let me try.
Honestly i wasnt shocked i thought you sounded down when we talked the last few times. You seemed to be stuck in the gravity well of the black hole of "adult respondibility". Our family has a toxic set of expectations that they managed to trick you into believing. That vanilla is the only flavor adults eat as if a paint by numbers is on the same level as a bansky.
Lies. destructive Lies. You where always the perfect one. You where praised for embracing vanilla as the only flavor. You bought into the hype of a middle class existence as if hell wasnt the only outcome. You played by the rules. You graduated college. Got a job. Bought a house. Married a vanilla girl who gave you a kid. Never even considering that vanilla is a lie. Happiness was not around the next corner. Until i guess one day you had that awful realization. Trapped. Andrew wasnt a liar. They lied. Now jj you cant be andrew but you sure as fuck were not vanilla at heart. You repressed that "irresponsible indulgence of youth". Deeper into the desolate tastless world of work and mortages and weekends. Hell.
So you lost. You traded your youth for stability but ended up dead in your used car. Like i told you differed pleasure is life wasted. I guess you got screwed. Sorry bro
Endocarditis an infection of one or more valves of the heart. It is incredibly lethal in the short and medium term in IV drug users. some studies estimate a 5 year cumulative mortality rate nearing 100 percent in this population. With the caveat that we are a difficult population to study. It's a disease of non sterile use. All those stories of shooting up out of midpuddles and shit are straight up survivorship bias. The ones who got sick don't live to tell the tale mostly. The easiest way to prevent it is using sterile technique ruthlessly. Surgical mask over mouth and nose after washing hands with soap then alcohol. Wiping the surface around the cooker with alcohol then the cooker itself. Use a sterile cotton or better a micron filter to draw up. Then wipe the injection site with an alcohol wipe. Do this before every single injection not just the very first one. Once the shot is drawn up put the cooker somewhere that dust and spit won't fly in it from people talking or moving around. I use the microwave. If it'll be more then 4 hours between shots cover the cooker with saran wrap and put it in the fridge.
You must be more steril as your using career progresses. Heart valves are slick at birth. Iv drugs introduce microscopic particles that hit the valves and make the surface rough and allow bacteria to latch on in the holes. The instability of blood around the valve inhibits your immune system from properly responding as well as antibiotics from working as intended.
This is a little talked about complication that is fucking scary. My gf had it and should be dead. Her fiance is dead from it. She will need lifelong care and is only alive by our ruthless application of sterile practice since we began iv drugs again
You must be more steril as your using career progresses. Heart valves are slick at birth. Iv drugs introduce microscopic particles that hit the valves and make the surface rough and allow bacteria to latch on in the holes. The instability of blood around the valve inhibits your immune system from properly responding as well as antibiotics from working as intended.
This is a little talked about complication that is fucking scary. My gf had it and should be dead. Her fiance is dead from it. She will need lifelong care and is only alive by our ruthless application of sterile practice since we began iv drugs again
Secondary to cerebral palsy, I have a dislocated hip that sometimes creates a legitimate need for strong pain control and I was prescribed Percocet ( first Vicodin) for it.
However, somewhere along the way, I started to run out early and going into withdrawal. The first time wasn’t bad. It was like having a cold.
They do say that every addict gets one easy-out pass, I have been blessed to get a second one and actually use it this time! How that happened and a lot of the in between stuff is this story!
I had been a born again Christian for something like 15 years and I was in evangelical seminary studying in be a missionary when the trouble started with running out of my medicine early. For the life of me, I can’t figure out why I started taking more than I was prescribed in a day ( even back then I didn’t know why I started doing that but I did and it lead to withdrawal like I said.
The first time was manageable without telling anyone. The second time was also although the people closest to me thought it was strange that I would get the flu so soon after having a cold the previous month.
The third time I ended up in the hospital because of it, they assumed I had an infection and I just let them think it. They threw antibiotics at it like crazy but of course they never figured out what was going on.
In the middle somewhere, I learned about loperamide and figured I could use it to taper myself off opiates and yes I think that it likely does work for some people, but it didn’t for me. In fact I’m pretty sure that the mix of high dose loperamide and grapefruit juice damaged my liver but thankfully not quite at a level that would show up on lab work.
It still made me miserable. My feet swelled up and I couldn’t sleep which is the very first sign of brain damage from the buildup of toxins that your liver should be breaking down The technical term is hepatic encephalopathy: at the beginning you can’t sleep and at the end you don’t wake up)
In cases of serious liver problems, they treat these brain issues by giving the person strong laxatives to clear out the toxins and have them avoid animal proteins that create the toxins. So when I inadvertently took too much of a natural supplement called L-glutathione ( also an antidote for Tylenol poisoning in huge amounts) and I got severe diarrhea that landed me back in the hospital with “ stomach flu” I was amazed to hear that I had slept for 6 hours in the ER after not being able to sleep for a few weeks. I think that just confirms my suspicions about the liver damage because why else would something that caused diarrhea just happen to fix my sleep issues?
After the loperamide and grapefruit juice ( loperamide didn’t seem to have any adverse effect until the one night I mixed it with a few liters of grapefruit juice) my feet started swelling up any time I took Tylenol or anything else with a liver warning on the package and they still do.
By the way, doctors think that glutathione is not bio-available that is that it doesn’t impact the body, if it’s taken orally. From experience I can say that in the form of Glutathione it doesn’t but the form of the organic molecule known as L glutathione definitely does! Although after my very first experiment with taking a huge amount ( thinking that if it’s natural you can’t take to much) and after taking so much of it even afterwards but in frequent, smaller quantities, while trying to deal with swelling caused by the Tylenol in my prescription it doesn’t help nearly as much as it used to be it still helps somewhat with constipation.
My doctor gave me prednisone to help with my swollen feet and it’s still the only thing that consistently works for it. I have heard that prednisone is used for treating liver problems but I haven’t looked into the details about why it’s works or the Pharmacodynamics and pharmacokinetics ( how the medication acts and moves around inside of a person after they take it: I did mention in a previous post that I have Asperger’s syndrome with a special academic interest in medicine. Thus, I’m not just using words I don’t understand above: I can read medical journals but I did have to google the spelling because I am also dyslexic.
I guess I should say that I can understand medical journals but it helps a lot if someone or a screen reader is doing the actual reading. I once had a major argument with the guy who was working at my university’s tutoring program as the biology tutor. He kept telling me that he would not be able to help me with a medical journal article that wasn’t formatted in such a way that my computer program could read it aloud because he didn’t understand it. I told him that as long as he could read it, it would be fine and I could likely explain it to him ( and in part I did).
However I digress, so as I was saying, the loperamide and too much Tylenol likely caused sub-clinical liver problems that I am still dealing with and there is indirect evidence in my story to support this hypothesis
When I went to the ER about gall bladder problems I was really mostly bothered by withdrawal again. Yes I had gall stones but I knew about them long before and they weren’t really bothering me at the time. So, yes I’m saying that withdrawal lead to surgery indirectly but evidently the gall stones were like the most my doctor had ever seen anyone have( the surgeon told me as much). So, who knows? I probably would’ve had to have surgery eventually anyway.
wow, this is turning into the full unedited confession version of this story I think that this is what Celebrate Recovery calls doing a fourth step ( by the way guys, if anyone in my CR group reads this… if I ever do a step study, I will probably just refer the appropriate person to this material when it comes to step four… no reason to recreate the wheel as it were)
So yeah it was sometime after the surgery that I discovered Kratom and The Lord Jesus told me in a dream to switch exclusively to Kratom for my chronic pain issues and only use opiates for any short term issues that might arise.
Shortly thereafter, an actual run in with the stomach flu ( and the inability to eat that it caused) led to one of the worst migraines I have ever had. I went to the ER and I was silently praying for very strong pain medicine and I distinctly heard the Lord say “is 2 mg of IV hydromorphine enough?”
I laughed silently and replied,” yes anymore and I would likely be joining you tonight… which I would be okay with…so it’s up to you…but yes that’s great for dealing with this headache thanks”
Two was exactly how much they gave me too which confirmed that I heard the Lord. Moreover, the whole experience showed me that he was and is fine with me taking pain medication for short term use, when I really need it.
Despite the dream, I was afraid of what my doctor would think and say if I stopped taking my prescription so I continued to take in and switch to kratom to avoid withdrawal.
I was warned by a prophet years before that free of human opinion would significantly hinder my relationship with God if I didn’t deal with it. At the time though I didn’t see that attribute in myself and I wouldn’t have known how to deal with it if it had walked up and introduced itself ( which I guess having a prophet tell you about something like should be even more dramatic than an introduction but as they say hindsight is 20/20.)
All I can say is that prophetic word was spot on! I had a second dream, a much scarier one in which the Lord basically said that I had to make a choice was he in charge or was I? I very honestly said that I needed healing from the addiction and Jesus said Okay.
For about 2 years after, that I did switch to just kratom. I also did online classes on the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy approach to addiction. And for a while I met with a therapist too. For a while things seemed to be going very well.
Then I unfortunately got some kratom that must have been contaminated with something because it made my feet swell up exponentially!
And after that they were infected and dripping fluid on the floor. I soon found myself in the hospital with the infection. Honestly I don’t know if the infection was somehow connected with the contaminated kratom ( it’s hard to envision the connection because although my feet swelled no open sores developed… at least not the first time, liquid and clear liquid at that just seemed to drip from my pores.
The swelling made it nearly impossible to transfer from my wheelchair. Therefore after I got home from the hospital, I was spending nearly 24/7 in my chair. That combined with the fact that swollen skin is more likely to break down meant that I eventually did get pressure sores on my feet from the footrests.
Then they really got infected: warning: gross medical picture to follow…. I’ll scroll a little in case anyone would prefer not to see, but, at one point the open area was literally green and it was taking baby diapers on top of the dressing to keep my leg and foot from leaving huge puddles on the floor:
S
C
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O
L
L
I
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the scrolling is something I learned to do when interacting with other people who have dissociative disorders by the way… So like I said * May Trigger* : medical content:
So I was more or less ( and probably more) living out Isaiah 1:5-6:
Why bother even trying to do anything with you
when you just keep to your bullheaded ways?
You keep beating your heads against brick walls.
Everything within you protests against you.
From the bottom of your feet to the top of your head,
nothing’s working right.
Wounds and bruises and running sores— MSG
I honestly wasn’t just trying to be stubborn, though. I felt trapped in the addiction. I wanted to follow the Lord but again I was held captive by fear- this time it was fear of withdrawal.
Nonetheless, anyone who thinks that the idea that sin leads to death is either academic or entirely spiritual is mistaken. No I didn’t die but death is a process many times and sometimes it’s a slow gradual one… I was definitely heading that direction
I see the situation In Isaiah as relating to me because somewhere along the way I started switching between the Percocet and kratom again
That was before my leg looked like that picture and my regression didn’t last long because my insurance changed and that necessitated the need to switch primary care providers. After the switch I couldn’t get Percocet anymore.
Before my legs got as bad as the picture, my mom was pushing me to see specialists about the swelling in my feet even though I told her I knew what was going on and I also knew that since the underlying problem didn’t hit clinical markers that would register as abnormal on labs no one else would ever figure it out.
I kept saying that the Lord said he would heal me but physical stuff like my feet would be last because from God’s perspective Spiritual things triage first ( they are first priority issues), emotional issues seem to be the second priority and physical stuff comes last!
Yes there is at least one biblical account that seems to support the idea that Jesus works by triage and spiritual issues come first: In Luke Jesus heals a paralyzed man who was lowered through the roof of a house on a mat. However, his physical healing came after his spiritual issues were addressed:
Luke 5:18-26 MSG:
18-20 Some men arrived carrying a paraplegic on a stretcher. They were looking for a way to get into the house and set him before Jesus. When they couldn’t find a way in because of the crowd, they went up on the roof, removed some tiles, and let him down in the middle of everyone, right in front of Jesus. Impressed by their bold belief, he said, “Friend, I forgive your sins.”
21 That set the religion scholars and Pharisees buzzing. “Who does he think he is? That’s blasphemous talk! God and only God can forgive sins.”
22-26 Jesus knew exactly what they were thinking and said, “Why all this gossipy whispering? Which is simpler: to say ‘I forgive your sins,’ or to say ‘Get up and start walking’? Well, just so it’s clear that I’m the Son of Man and authorized to do either, or both. . . .” He now spoke directly to the paraplegic: “Get up. Take your bedroll and go home.” Without a moment’s hesitation, he did it—got up, took his blanket, and left for home, giving glory to God all the way.
I first realized the connection between the above passage and triage because of Bill Williams book, Naked Before God:the return of a broken disciple.
So, yeah I knew I heard Jesus say Okay when I said I needed healing and I knew he was the Great Physician and I could trust him to do it in the right order! If anyone knows the importance of triaging and handling injuries in the right order, it’s Him! My family was harder to convince though and for my part, I had no idea how much spiritual stuff there would be to sort out by the end of things, nor did I know how much time it would take!
Needless to say with my leg looking like the picture above, I ended up in the hospital again and I was in and out of hospitals and even nursing homes ( since I was in the hospital a long time and lost a lot of strength the drs thought that I would not be able to deal with things at home: they were at least right in thinking I would need a lot of extra help because I was completely unable to move myself from my wheelchair to the toilet, shower or my bed!
I eventually signed myself out of the last nursing home ( when the Lord told me it was okay to do so). However, even though I had His permission to go home I had no idea how I would manage at home.
He quickly brought some great freelance caregivers into my life whom my mom still pays, but when I left the nursing home it was a step of faith and the staff there thought I was crazy to leave so soon and without a plan… from their perspective I didn’t have a plan but my plan was stepping out and trusting the Lord to provide even though I didn’t know what it would look like.
So, the Lord supplied the help I needed and some much needed friendship ( part of emotional healing… Asperger’s makes it incredibly difficult to connect with friends. Moreover, some of these friends started helping me work through emotional trauma from my childhood: even if they might not have been aware of it.
Nonetheless, I was still stuck with fear of withdrawal even though kratom was managing it. And physically I was still a mess and in and out of the hospital a lot for leg infections.
Then, in October of last year, I got a stomach infection that was legitimately quite painful. Nothing would stay down and I ended up in the hospital, on strong pain medication, antibiotics and NPO ( nothing prescribed orally. It meant that all of my nutrition was supplied in huge IV bags ( called TPN: Total Parenteral nutrition).
When I got home from that I was even more afraid of withdrawal because the withdrawals from pain medicine are usually much worse than withdrawal from Kratom.
Thus, I stupidly got myself of Suboxone (drug treatment program) without asking the Lord about it first… I’m not saying suboxone is always a bad choice… I don’t know… it might be part of God’s plan of recovery for some people but it definitely wasn’t a good idea to just decide to do it without asking Him first.
Remember that mess of spiritual issues I mentioned? If I had spiritual problems before I really started to have them after starting suboxone.
I started having trouble praying because of spiritual warfare ( the enemy interrupting my prayers with their garbage thoughts). I didn’t realize that when you get addicted to something, it’s like you give the dark side an “ in” and they at least think they then have a right to mess with you .
Sometime: before the Lord showed me that I had lost my first love and he specifically used me verse in Revelation to talk to me about. The part about doing the first works again is why I will be repeating my baptism as soon as my latest scabs finish falling off my legs.
There’s some debate about what the “ first works” refers to but evidently quite a few people think it could mean baptism and the Holy Spirit hasn’t said I am wrong in thinking that is what He wants me to do.
When he said that I had lost my first love my automatic response was “ Wow that’s a heck of a diagnosis and he replied that we would get through it together.
Still, I didn’t drop the suboxone as soon as he said I should ( still terrified of withdrawals and most people will attest to the fact that Suboxone withdrawals make Vicodin withdrawals look like an enjoyable spring picnic).
So I was unwittingly and inadvertently digging the hole deeper as far as addiction was concerned. And that’s when the spiritual warfare got to be a serious hot mess!
If you know much about the culture of the United States Marines, you’ll understand what it means when someone who considers themselves a Marine’s kid ( nicknamed “ devil pup” since Marines have been called Devil Dogs since the battle of Belle wood).
The trouble praying got intense enough that I started writing prayer out in a journal like letters that don’t have to be mailed.
The spiritual enemies of our souls still tried to keep me from doing it. That was evident in that I would not feel tired at all and yet still to drift off with the pen in my hand!
At one point the enemy had my convinced that I committed the unforgivable sin because of the thoughts they ( demons) put in my head.
So, I started doing major research on what exactly blasphemy of the Holy Spirit really is, as well as what to do if you think you have gone over that event horizon!
After I saw a video by pastor Tim Conway of I'll Be Honest | Christian Videos | illbehonest.com I pressed in harder into seeking Christ. ( I plan to do a separate post on what that looked like logically to help other returning prodigals but everyone should realize it’s more about your heart than about some How-to formula).
I will briefly say that I sought out people who have the spiritual gift of prophecy and took their counsel seriously. And it’s important to say that I never told them much about what I was going through because I found that whenever I told anyone or tried to they would pull out their box of doctrinal band aides which only left me feeling like they weren’t really listening even though they were well intended and at least some of what some of the people I tried to talk to said in response to me was in fact correct.
The first breakthrough came when I got restored to ministry in a way that strikingly paralleled Peter’s experience.
In the midst of the thought battles I was having a major pity party and said something really stupid ( No, you don’t need to know what I said, just that I said it twice, outloud with no one else in earshot.
I felt horrible about it, and the next day as I was praying about it ( in my journal still) and reading the word, I had a vision, saw Jesus and ended up apologizing twice!
If you know the scriptures well, the parallels between my experience and Peter’s restoration to ministry will be immediately apparent. If not, the account is in John 21:15-25 basically Peter said something stupid that he didn’t mean, three times in the course of a night and he later ended up apologizing three times to Jesus for it.
I was still seeking out prophetic ministry pretty regularly and it wasn’t long afterwards that one of the people who was ministering to me said they saw Jesus tying up a demon and dragging it out of my living space.
From there prayer got easier and someone else ( also a prophet) told me just to focus on spending time with Jesus and letting him show me his love.
I did exactly what my friend said and soon began to physically feel like I was being hugged and held. I also got into reading the scriptures more and soon came across Isaiah 30:15-17.
As someone who has a partial child alter, who is or was looking for a keeper ( caregiver) the idea that I was allowed to just settle into complete dependency on Him was a major revelation. It was like “ you mean I can just be in kid headspace and let you be keeper?!
I eventually got this prophetic word from one of the ministries I approached.
Hello! This is Russ Walden responding to your prophetic request. — The Father says I’m going to get pushy in your life. I’m going to push down the altars of the idols that have demanded your worship and I’m going to push out the enemy that has encroached upon your territory. I say to you that you don’t have to keep asking Me about that anymore. You’ve asked, and you’ve pleaded, and you’ve begged and cajoled. You are about to see the response of Heaven to your anguished cry! I HAVE in FACT heard your cry says the Father. I have heard your cry and I am going to display My glory in your life to such a degree that the clouds of darkness and confusion will be BURNED away by the brightness of My coming. I am coming says the Father. I am coming into the earth, yes but I am coming into your situation. I say to you I am coming to show My power and show My glory and manifest My substance! The angel of My glory is stepping out into your situation and says “Enough!” He is declaring My declaration says the Father, “No More!” Can you feel it? Can you sense My hand descending on your life? Get ready, says the Father. Get ready for the joy that usurps, mourning that rejoicing that will redefine the hopes that you have hoped for in your life.
It wasn’t long after that that the addiction broke. I started tapering off the suboxone but the idea of jumping completely off still scared me. Jesus basically had to wrestle the stuff out of my hand ( remove the mental desire for it).
Most people don’t stop taking suboxone until they are down to at least 1/8 of a milligram and they still have a week or so of withdrawal that kratom won’t even touch.
I stopped when I was still taking 8 times that much and the freezing and sneezing started like 4 days later.
The first day I was really tempted to start taking it again but I prayed about it and I fell asleep and woke up later and the withdrawals were shut off.
They came back somewhat the next day but,it was psychologically easier to deal with and the temptation was not as bad.
I was waiting for a package of kratom I had ordered online ( it was taking ages to arrive) and about a week later when the withdrawal was really miserable, I discovered that a store about a block from my house had Kratom… anyone who takes kratom will appreciate just how rare that is… you can usually only find kratom online and if you do find a store with it it’s very low quality and potentially unsafe ( because other chemicals may have been added to it, Kratom by itself is very safe).
So, it was definitely the Lord’s provision that I have a store so close to me that sells kratom and it turned out to be very high quality too!
Amazingly I found that I only needed half the dose of Kratom compared to what I was taking before my wandering off into suboxone treatment. Most people have to increase their Kratom dose after being on suboxone for a few months ( I was on it for about 8 months and started at 6 mg a day)
Soon after that my legs and feet got significantly closer to their normal size and I regained the ability to transfer from my chair to my bed.
Furthermore, I found that prednisone started working again to help with the swelling ( I had gotten Covid-19 in one of the nursing homes… 3 times… and I was on prednisone for quite a while to help mitigate the symptoms of that. So, once I was tapered off it didn’t really work for a while and I had side effect that one doesn’t get from short term prednisone use and those are gone now too).
Yes, I’m still dealing with a skin infection on my legs but I’m am pretty sure Jesus told my what it is and I’m on the correct antibiotics for it, finally It’s not the first time He has shown me what protocol to use from medical journals. In fact, my mom keeps bugging me to find a new primary doctor and I’m just about to the point of telling her that I already have the best one… lol!
Although I still have a dressing on my left leg, I have scabs that are healing very well and nothing is draining! The dressing pads stay dry!
When I was on prednisone for so long to deal with Covid I gained a lot of weight ( one of the side effects I mentioned above) and I have lost that now, I am back to my normal weight or very close to it. In fact I had to buy a bunch of new clothes!
The changes in my health and abilities has been so fast and dramatic that one of my care aides actually asked what I was doing and if she would be able to replicate it… lol I’m not doing anything. I gave Jesus my unconditional “ yes” and Jehova Rafa has done everything as far as healing me.
What I mentioned above about telling my mom that Jesus is my primary M.D. brings up the other thing I have been healed from: fear of what others think! The issue, just isn’t an issue now… I would have been terrified to write something like this, especially on the internet before now!
So, I have been healed from that and I have discovered my calling, but I talked about that in my introduction post!
Here’s the latest picture of my feet by the way…
And those are from a few weeks ago. They look better than that now.
If pictures are worth a thousand words then those before and after pictures say everything. Jesus is the Great physician.
The Bible never says that God helps those who help themselves. In fact it says that Salvation depends on stopping efforts to save one’s self:
Isaiah 30:15-17The Message
17 God, the Master, The Holy of Israel,
has this solemn counsel:
“Your salvation requires you to turn back to me
and stop your silly efforts to save yourselves.
Your strength will come from settling down
in complete dependence on me.
It also says that all who ask for help get help:
Romans 10:13-17 "Everyone who calls, 'Help, God!' gets help."
All I can say to anyone wondering how to get their version of this break through is Come to Christ and settle down into complete dependence on him
However, somewhere along the way, I started to run out early and going into withdrawal. The first time wasn’t bad. It was like having a cold.
They do say that every addict gets one easy-out pass, I have been blessed to get a second one and actually use it this time! How that happened and a lot of the in between stuff is this story!
I had been a born again Christian for something like 15 years and I was in evangelical seminary studying in be a missionary when the trouble started with running out of my medicine early. For the life of me, I can’t figure out why I started taking more than I was prescribed in a day ( even back then I didn’t know why I started doing that but I did and it lead to withdrawal like I said.
The first time was manageable without telling anyone. The second time was also although the people closest to me thought it was strange that I would get the flu so soon after having a cold the previous month.
The third time I ended up in the hospital because of it, they assumed I had an infection and I just let them think it. They threw antibiotics at it like crazy but of course they never figured out what was going on.
In the middle somewhere, I learned about loperamide and figured I could use it to taper myself off opiates and yes I think that it likely does work for some people, but it didn’t for me. In fact I’m pretty sure that the mix of high dose loperamide and grapefruit juice damaged my liver but thankfully not quite at a level that would show up on lab work.
It still made me miserable. My feet swelled up and I couldn’t sleep which is the very first sign of brain damage from the buildup of toxins that your liver should be breaking down The technical term is hepatic encephalopathy: at the beginning you can’t sleep and at the end you don’t wake up)
In cases of serious liver problems, they treat these brain issues by giving the person strong laxatives to clear out the toxins and have them avoid animal proteins that create the toxins. So when I inadvertently took too much of a natural supplement called L-glutathione ( also an antidote for Tylenol poisoning in huge amounts) and I got severe diarrhea that landed me back in the hospital with “ stomach flu” I was amazed to hear that I had slept for 6 hours in the ER after not being able to sleep for a few weeks. I think that just confirms my suspicions about the liver damage because why else would something that caused diarrhea just happen to fix my sleep issues?
After the loperamide and grapefruit juice ( loperamide didn’t seem to have any adverse effect until the one night I mixed it with a few liters of grapefruit juice) my feet started swelling up any time I took Tylenol or anything else with a liver warning on the package and they still do.
By the way, doctors think that glutathione is not bio-available that is that it doesn’t impact the body, if it’s taken orally. From experience I can say that in the form of Glutathione it doesn’t but the form of the organic molecule known as L glutathione definitely does! Although after my very first experiment with taking a huge amount ( thinking that if it’s natural you can’t take to much) and after taking so much of it even afterwards but in frequent, smaller quantities, while trying to deal with swelling caused by the Tylenol in my prescription it doesn’t help nearly as much as it used to be it still helps somewhat with constipation.
My doctor gave me prednisone to help with my swollen feet and it’s still the only thing that consistently works for it. I have heard that prednisone is used for treating liver problems but I haven’t looked into the details about why it’s works or the Pharmacodynamics and pharmacokinetics ( how the medication acts and moves around inside of a person after they take it: I did mention in a previous post that I have Asperger’s syndrome with a special academic interest in medicine. Thus, I’m not just using words I don’t understand above: I can read medical journals but I did have to google the spelling because I am also dyslexic.
I guess I should say that I can understand medical journals but it helps a lot if someone or a screen reader is doing the actual reading. I once had a major argument with the guy who was working at my university’s tutoring program as the biology tutor. He kept telling me that he would not be able to help me with a medical journal article that wasn’t formatted in such a way that my computer program could read it aloud because he didn’t understand it. I told him that as long as he could read it, it would be fine and I could likely explain it to him ( and in part I did).
However I digress, so as I was saying, the loperamide and too much Tylenol likely caused sub-clinical liver problems that I am still dealing with and there is indirect evidence in my story to support this hypothesis
When I went to the ER about gall bladder problems I was really mostly bothered by withdrawal again. Yes I had gall stones but I knew about them long before and they weren’t really bothering me at the time. So, yes I’m saying that withdrawal lead to surgery indirectly but evidently the gall stones were like the most my doctor had ever seen anyone have( the surgeon told me as much). So, who knows? I probably would’ve had to have surgery eventually anyway.
wow, this is turning into the full unedited confession version of this story I think that this is what Celebrate Recovery calls doing a fourth step ( by the way guys, if anyone in my CR group reads this… if I ever do a step study, I will probably just refer the appropriate person to this material when it comes to step four… no reason to recreate the wheel as it were)
So yeah it was sometime after the surgery that I discovered Kratom and The Lord Jesus told me in a dream to switch exclusively to Kratom for my chronic pain issues and only use opiates for any short term issues that might arise.
Shortly thereafter, an actual run in with the stomach flu ( and the inability to eat that it caused) led to one of the worst migraines I have ever had. I went to the ER and I was silently praying for very strong pain medicine and I distinctly heard the Lord say “is 2 mg of IV hydromorphine enough?”
I laughed silently and replied,” yes anymore and I would likely be joining you tonight… which I would be okay with…so it’s up to you…but yes that’s great for dealing with this headache thanks”
Two was exactly how much they gave me too which confirmed that I heard the Lord. Moreover, the whole experience showed me that he was and is fine with me taking pain medication for short term use, when I really need it.
Despite the dream, I was afraid of what my doctor would think and say if I stopped taking my prescription so I continued to take in and switch to kratom to avoid withdrawal.
I was warned by a prophet years before that free of human opinion would significantly hinder my relationship with God if I didn’t deal with it. At the time though I didn’t see that attribute in myself and I wouldn’t have known how to deal with it if it had walked up and introduced itself ( which I guess having a prophet tell you about something like should be even more dramatic than an introduction but as they say hindsight is 20/20.)
All I can say is that prophetic word was spot on! I had a second dream, a much scarier one in which the Lord basically said that I had to make a choice was he in charge or was I? I very honestly said that I needed healing from the addiction and Jesus said Okay.
For about 2 years after, that I did switch to just kratom. I also did online classes on the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy approach to addiction. And for a while I met with a therapist too. For a while things seemed to be going very well.
Then I unfortunately got some kratom that must have been contaminated with something because it made my feet swell up exponentially!
And after that they were infected and dripping fluid on the floor. I soon found myself in the hospital with the infection. Honestly I don’t know if the infection was somehow connected with the contaminated kratom ( it’s hard to envision the connection because although my feet swelled no open sores developed… at least not the first time, liquid and clear liquid at that just seemed to drip from my pores.
The swelling made it nearly impossible to transfer from my wheelchair. Therefore after I got home from the hospital, I was spending nearly 24/7 in my chair. That combined with the fact that swollen skin is more likely to break down meant that I eventually did get pressure sores on my feet from the footrests.
Then they really got infected: warning: gross medical picture to follow…. I’ll scroll a little in case anyone would prefer not to see, but, at one point the open area was literally green and it was taking baby diapers on top of the dressing to keep my leg and foot from leaving huge puddles on the floor:
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the scrolling is something I learned to do when interacting with other people who have dissociative disorders by the way… So like I said * May Trigger* : medical content:
So I was more or less ( and probably more) living out Isaiah 1:5-6:
Why bother even trying to do anything with you
when you just keep to your bullheaded ways?
You keep beating your heads against brick walls.
Everything within you protests against you.
From the bottom of your feet to the top of your head,
nothing’s working right.
Wounds and bruises and running sores— MSG
I honestly wasn’t just trying to be stubborn, though. I felt trapped in the addiction. I wanted to follow the Lord but again I was held captive by fear- this time it was fear of withdrawal.
Nonetheless, anyone who thinks that the idea that sin leads to death is either academic or entirely spiritual is mistaken. No I didn’t die but death is a process many times and sometimes it’s a slow gradual one… I was definitely heading that direction
I see the situation In Isaiah as relating to me because somewhere along the way I started switching between the Percocet and kratom again
That was before my leg looked like that picture and my regression didn’t last long because my insurance changed and that necessitated the need to switch primary care providers. After the switch I couldn’t get Percocet anymore.
Before my legs got as bad as the picture, my mom was pushing me to see specialists about the swelling in my feet even though I told her I knew what was going on and I also knew that since the underlying problem didn’t hit clinical markers that would register as abnormal on labs no one else would ever figure it out.
I kept saying that the Lord said he would heal me but physical stuff like my feet would be last because from God’s perspective Spiritual things triage first ( they are first priority issues), emotional issues seem to be the second priority and physical stuff comes last!
Yes there is at least one biblical account that seems to support the idea that Jesus works by triage and spiritual issues come first: In Luke Jesus heals a paralyzed man who was lowered through the roof of a house on a mat. However, his physical healing came after his spiritual issues were addressed:
Luke 5:18-26 MSG:
18-20 Some men arrived carrying a paraplegic on a stretcher. They were looking for a way to get into the house and set him before Jesus. When they couldn’t find a way in because of the crowd, they went up on the roof, removed some tiles, and let him down in the middle of everyone, right in front of Jesus. Impressed by their bold belief, he said, “Friend, I forgive your sins.”
21 That set the religion scholars and Pharisees buzzing. “Who does he think he is? That’s blasphemous talk! God and only God can forgive sins.”
22-26 Jesus knew exactly what they were thinking and said, “Why all this gossipy whispering? Which is simpler: to say ‘I forgive your sins,’ or to say ‘Get up and start walking’? Well, just so it’s clear that I’m the Son of Man and authorized to do either, or both. . . .” He now spoke directly to the paraplegic: “Get up. Take your bedroll and go home.” Without a moment’s hesitation, he did it—got up, took his blanket, and left for home, giving glory to God all the way.
I first realized the connection between the above passage and triage because of Bill Williams book, Naked Before God:the return of a broken disciple.
So, yeah I knew I heard Jesus say Okay when I said I needed healing and I knew he was the Great Physician and I could trust him to do it in the right order! If anyone knows the importance of triaging and handling injuries in the right order, it’s Him! My family was harder to convince though and for my part, I had no idea how much spiritual stuff there would be to sort out by the end of things, nor did I know how much time it would take!
Needless to say with my leg looking like the picture above, I ended up in the hospital again and I was in and out of hospitals and even nursing homes ( since I was in the hospital a long time and lost a lot of strength the drs thought that I would not be able to deal with things at home: they were at least right in thinking I would need a lot of extra help because I was completely unable to move myself from my wheelchair to the toilet, shower or my bed!
I eventually signed myself out of the last nursing home ( when the Lord told me it was okay to do so). However, even though I had His permission to go home I had no idea how I would manage at home.
He quickly brought some great freelance caregivers into my life whom my mom still pays, but when I left the nursing home it was a step of faith and the staff there thought I was crazy to leave so soon and without a plan… from their perspective I didn’t have a plan but my plan was stepping out and trusting the Lord to provide even though I didn’t know what it would look like.
So, the Lord supplied the help I needed and some much needed friendship ( part of emotional healing… Asperger’s makes it incredibly difficult to connect with friends. Moreover, some of these friends started helping me work through emotional trauma from my childhood: even if they might not have been aware of it.
Nonetheless, I was still stuck with fear of withdrawal even though kratom was managing it. And physically I was still a mess and in and out of the hospital a lot for leg infections.
Then, in October of last year, I got a stomach infection that was legitimately quite painful. Nothing would stay down and I ended up in the hospital, on strong pain medication, antibiotics and NPO ( nothing prescribed orally. It meant that all of my nutrition was supplied in huge IV bags ( called TPN: Total Parenteral nutrition).
When I got home from that I was even more afraid of withdrawal because the withdrawals from pain medicine are usually much worse than withdrawal from Kratom.
Thus, I stupidly got myself of Suboxone (drug treatment program) without asking the Lord about it first… I’m not saying suboxone is always a bad choice… I don’t know… it might be part of God’s plan of recovery for some people but it definitely wasn’t a good idea to just decide to do it without asking Him first.
Remember that mess of spiritual issues I mentioned? If I had spiritual problems before I really started to have them after starting suboxone.
I started having trouble praying because of spiritual warfare ( the enemy interrupting my prayers with their garbage thoughts). I didn’t realize that when you get addicted to something, it’s like you give the dark side an “ in” and they at least think they then have a right to mess with you .
Sometime: before the Lord showed me that I had lost my first love and he specifically used me verse in Revelation to talk to me about. The part about doing the first works again is why I will be repeating my baptism as soon as my latest scabs finish falling off my legs.
There’s some debate about what the “ first works” refers to but evidently quite a few people think it could mean baptism and the Holy Spirit hasn’t said I am wrong in thinking that is what He wants me to do.
When he said that I had lost my first love my automatic response was “ Wow that’s a heck of a diagnosis and he replied that we would get through it together.
Still, I didn’t drop the suboxone as soon as he said I should ( still terrified of withdrawals and most people will attest to the fact that Suboxone withdrawals make Vicodin withdrawals look like an enjoyable spring picnic).
So I was unwittingly and inadvertently digging the hole deeper as far as addiction was concerned. And that’s when the spiritual warfare got to be a serious hot mess!
If you know much about the culture of the United States Marines, you’ll understand what it means when someone who considers themselves a Marine’s kid ( nicknamed “ devil pup” since Marines have been called Devil Dogs since the battle of Belle wood).
The trouble praying got intense enough that I started writing prayer out in a journal like letters that don’t have to be mailed.
The spiritual enemies of our souls still tried to keep me from doing it. That was evident in that I would not feel tired at all and yet still to drift off with the pen in my hand!
At one point the enemy had my convinced that I committed the unforgivable sin because of the thoughts they ( demons) put in my head.
So, I started doing major research on what exactly blasphemy of the Holy Spirit really is, as well as what to do if you think you have gone over that event horizon!
After I saw a video by pastor Tim Conway of I'll Be Honest | Christian Videos | illbehonest.com I pressed in harder into seeking Christ. ( I plan to do a separate post on what that looked like logically to help other returning prodigals but everyone should realize it’s more about your heart than about some How-to formula).
I will briefly say that I sought out people who have the spiritual gift of prophecy and took their counsel seriously. And it’s important to say that I never told them much about what I was going through because I found that whenever I told anyone or tried to they would pull out their box of doctrinal band aides which only left me feeling like they weren’t really listening even though they were well intended and at least some of what some of the people I tried to talk to said in response to me was in fact correct.
The first breakthrough came when I got restored to ministry in a way that strikingly paralleled Peter’s experience.
In the midst of the thought battles I was having a major pity party and said something really stupid ( No, you don’t need to know what I said, just that I said it twice, outloud with no one else in earshot.
I felt horrible about it, and the next day as I was praying about it ( in my journal still) and reading the word, I had a vision, saw Jesus and ended up apologizing twice!
If you know the scriptures well, the parallels between my experience and Peter’s restoration to ministry will be immediately apparent. If not, the account is in John 21:15-25 basically Peter said something stupid that he didn’t mean, three times in the course of a night and he later ended up apologizing three times to Jesus for it.
I was still seeking out prophetic ministry pretty regularly and it wasn’t long afterwards that one of the people who was ministering to me said they saw Jesus tying up a demon and dragging it out of my living space.
From there prayer got easier and someone else ( also a prophet) told me just to focus on spending time with Jesus and letting him show me his love.
I did exactly what my friend said and soon began to physically feel like I was being hugged and held. I also got into reading the scriptures more and soon came across Isaiah 30:15-17.
As someone who has a partial child alter, who is or was looking for a keeper ( caregiver) the idea that I was allowed to just settle into complete dependency on Him was a major revelation. It was like “ you mean I can just be in kid headspace and let you be keeper?!
I eventually got this prophetic word from one of the ministries I approached.
Hello! This is Russ Walden responding to your prophetic request. — The Father says I’m going to get pushy in your life. I’m going to push down the altars of the idols that have demanded your worship and I’m going to push out the enemy that has encroached upon your territory. I say to you that you don’t have to keep asking Me about that anymore. You’ve asked, and you’ve pleaded, and you’ve begged and cajoled. You are about to see the response of Heaven to your anguished cry! I HAVE in FACT heard your cry says the Father. I have heard your cry and I am going to display My glory in your life to such a degree that the clouds of darkness and confusion will be BURNED away by the brightness of My coming. I am coming says the Father. I am coming into the earth, yes but I am coming into your situation. I say to you I am coming to show My power and show My glory and manifest My substance! The angel of My glory is stepping out into your situation and says “Enough!” He is declaring My declaration says the Father, “No More!” Can you feel it? Can you sense My hand descending on your life? Get ready, says the Father. Get ready for the joy that usurps, mourning that rejoicing that will redefine the hopes that you have hoped for in your life.
It wasn’t long after that that the addiction broke. I started tapering off the suboxone but the idea of jumping completely off still scared me. Jesus basically had to wrestle the stuff out of my hand ( remove the mental desire for it).
Most people don’t stop taking suboxone until they are down to at least 1/8 of a milligram and they still have a week or so of withdrawal that kratom won’t even touch.
I stopped when I was still taking 8 times that much and the freezing and sneezing started like 4 days later.
The first day I was really tempted to start taking it again but I prayed about it and I fell asleep and woke up later and the withdrawals were shut off.
They came back somewhat the next day but,it was psychologically easier to deal with and the temptation was not as bad.
I was waiting for a package of kratom I had ordered online ( it was taking ages to arrive) and about a week later when the withdrawal was really miserable, I discovered that a store about a block from my house had Kratom… anyone who takes kratom will appreciate just how rare that is… you can usually only find kratom online and if you do find a store with it it’s very low quality and potentially unsafe ( because other chemicals may have been added to it, Kratom by itself is very safe).
So, it was definitely the Lord’s provision that I have a store so close to me that sells kratom and it turned out to be very high quality too!
Amazingly I found that I only needed half the dose of Kratom compared to what I was taking before my wandering off into suboxone treatment. Most people have to increase their Kratom dose after being on suboxone for a few months ( I was on it for about 8 months and started at 6 mg a day)
Soon after that my legs and feet got significantly closer to their normal size and I regained the ability to transfer from my chair to my bed.
Furthermore, I found that prednisone started working again to help with the swelling ( I had gotten Covid-19 in one of the nursing homes… 3 times… and I was on prednisone for quite a while to help mitigate the symptoms of that. So, once I was tapered off it didn’t really work for a while and I had side effect that one doesn’t get from short term prednisone use and those are gone now too).
Yes, I’m still dealing with a skin infection on my legs but I’m am pretty sure Jesus told my what it is and I’m on the correct antibiotics for it, finally It’s not the first time He has shown me what protocol to use from medical journals. In fact, my mom keeps bugging me to find a new primary doctor and I’m just about to the point of telling her that I already have the best one… lol!
Although I still have a dressing on my left leg, I have scabs that are healing very well and nothing is draining! The dressing pads stay dry!
When I was on prednisone for so long to deal with Covid I gained a lot of weight ( one of the side effects I mentioned above) and I have lost that now, I am back to my normal weight or very close to it. In fact I had to buy a bunch of new clothes!
The changes in my health and abilities has been so fast and dramatic that one of my care aides actually asked what I was doing and if she would be able to replicate it… lol I’m not doing anything. I gave Jesus my unconditional “ yes” and Jehova Rafa has done everything as far as healing me.
What I mentioned above about telling my mom that Jesus is my primary M.D. brings up the other thing I have been healed from: fear of what others think! The issue, just isn’t an issue now… I would have been terrified to write something like this, especially on the internet before now!
So, I have been healed from that and I have discovered my calling, but I talked about that in my introduction post!
Here’s the latest picture of my feet by the way…
And those are from a few weeks ago. They look better than that now.
If pictures are worth a thousand words then those before and after pictures say everything. Jesus is the Great physician.
The Bible never says that God helps those who help themselves. In fact it says that Salvation depends on stopping efforts to save one’s self:
Isaiah 30:15-17The Message
17 God, the Master, The Holy of Israel,
has this solemn counsel:
“Your salvation requires you to turn back to me
and stop your silly efforts to save yourselves.
Your strength will come from settling down
in complete dependence on me.
It also says that all who ask for help get help:
Romans 10:13-17 "Everyone who calls, 'Help, God!' gets help."
All I can say to anyone wondering how to get their version of this break through is Come to Christ and settle down into complete dependence on him
Not to default on @Nurse Ratched @n3ophy7e @MsDiz
You can't keep users here because you don't have a least favorite MOD thread.
There is petty tyrants. and there is deep tyranny.
You can't keep users here because you don't have a least favorite MOD thread.
There is petty tyrants. and there is deep tyranny.
Theoria philosophiae hermeticae https://wellcomecollection.org/works/c87kw9k7/items?canvas=43
Theatrum Chemicum - https://books.google.com/books?id=3...ce=gbs_ge_summary_r&cad=0#v=onepage&q&f=false
Zosimos
The first vision occurs at the beginning - Zosimos introduces his treatise with some general remarks on the processes of nature and, in particular, on the “composition of the waters” (Thesis udaton) and various other operations, and closes with the words: “and upon this simple system of many colours is based the manifold and infinitely varied investigation of all things.”
"And as I spoke thus I fell asleep, and I saw a sacrificer standing before me, high upon an altar in the shape of a bowl. There were fifteen steps leading up to the altar. The priest stood there, and I heard a voice from above saying “I have performed the act of descending the fifteen steps into the darkness, and the ascending of the steps into the light. And he who renews me is the sacrificer, by casting away the grossness of the body; and by compelling necessity I am sanctified as a priest and now stand in perfection as a spirit.” I inquired of him who he was and he answered me in a fine voice, saying “I am Ion, priest of the inner sanctuaries, and I submit myself to an unendurable torment. For there came one in haste at early morning, who overpowered me, and pierced me through with the sword, and dismembered me in accordance with the rule of harmony. And he drew off the skin of my head with the sword, which he wielded with strength, and mingled the bones with the pieces of flesh, and caused them to be burned upon the fire of the arttill I perceived by the transformation of the body that I had become spirit.” And even as he spoke thus, and I held him by force to converse with me, his eyes became as blood. And he spewed forth all his own flesh. And I saw how he changed into the opposite of himself- into a mutilated anthroparion, and he tore his flesh with his own teeth, and sank into himself.
Full of fear I thought to myself “Is not this the composition of the waters?” I saw the same bowl-shaped altar, and on the upper part- boiling water, and a numberless multitude of people in it, but there was no one near the altar whom I could question. Then I went up to the altar and I perceived the anthroparion - a barber grown grey with age who said to me: “What are you looking at?” I replied that I was astonished to see the seething of the water, and the men burning and yet alive. He answered, “The sight that you see is the entrance, and the exit, and the transformation.” I asked him “What transformation?” and he answered “This is the place of the operation called embalming. Those who seek to obtain the art enter here, and become spirits by escaping from the body.” Then I said “Are you a spirit?” And he answered "Yes, a spirit and a guardian of spirits.” As we spoke, while the boiling continued and the people uttered distressful cries, I saw a brazen man holding a leaden tablet in his hand. He spoke with a loud voice, looking upon the tablet, “I command all those who are undergoing the punishment to be calm, to take each of them a leaden tablet, to write with their own hand and to keep their eyes upraised in the air and their mouths open until their uvula swells.” The deed followed the word, and the master of the house said to me “You have beheld, you have stretched your neck upward and have seen what is done.” I replied that I had seen, and he continued: “This brazen man whom you see is the priest who sacrifices and is sacrificed (Sotor), and spews forth his own flesh. Power is given him over this water and over the people who are punished.”
At last I was overcome with the desire to mount the seven steps and to see the seven punishments, and, as was suitable, in a single day. So I went back in order to complete the ascent. Passing it several times, I finally came upon the path. But as I was about to ascend, I lost my way again. Greatly discouraged, and not seeing in which direction I should go, I fell asleep, and while I was sleeping, I saw an anthroparion, a barber clad in a robe of royal purple, who stood outside the place of punishments. He said “What are you doing?” and I replied “I have stopped here because I have lost my way.” And he said “Follow me.” I turned and followed him and we came near to the place of punishments. I saw my guide, this little barber, enter, and his whole body was consumed by the fire.
I stepped aside trembling with fear, then I awoke, and said to myself “What means this vision?” Again I clarified my understanding, and knew that this barber was the brazen man clad in a purple garment. And I said to my self “It is needful that he must enter the place of punishments.”
My soul desired to mount the third step, so I followed the road alone. When I was near the place of punishments I went astray, and I stopped in despair. Again I saw an old man whitened by years, who had become wholly white, with a blinding whiteness. His name was Agathodaimon. Turning himself about, the old man with white hair gazed upon me for a full hour. And I urged him “Show me the right way.” He did not come towards me, but hastened on his way. But I, running hither and thither, at length came to the altar. And when I stood at the top of the altar, I saw the white-haired old man enter the place of punishments and he was transformed by the flame into a pillar of fire. On account of the violence of the punishment, his eyes filled with blood. I spoke to him, and asked “Why are you stretched out there?” But he could barely open his mouth, and groaned “I am the leaden man, and I submit myself to an unendurable torment.” Seized with great fear, I awoke and sought within myself the reason for what I had seen. I said to myself - The lead (pain) is to be rejected, and in truth the vision refers to the composition of the liquids.
I beheld the divine and holy bowl-shaped altar, and saw a priest clothed in a white robe reaching to his feet, who was celebrating these terrible mysteries. I said: “Who is this?” And the answer came: “This is the priest of the inner sanctuaries. It is he who changes the bodies into blood, makes the eyes clairvoyant, and raises the dead." Then, falling again to earth, I fell asleep. And as I was ascending the fourth step, I saw to the east one approaching holding a sword in his hand. And another came behind him, bringing one adorned round about with signs, clad in white and comely to see, who was named the Meridian of the Sun. And as they drew near to the place of punishments, he who held the sword in his hand said “Cut off his head, immolate his body, and cut his flesh into pieces, that it may first be boiled according to the method, and then delivered to the place of punishments.” Thereupon I said "This concerns the liquids in the art of the metals.” And he who bore the sword in his hand said “You have completed the descent of the seven steps.” And the other answered, as he caused the waters to gush forth from all the moist places “The procedure is completed.”
I saw an altar which was in the shape of a bowl, and a fiery spirit stood upon the altar, and tended the fire for the seething and the boiling and the burning of the men who rose up from it. And I inquired about the people who stood there, and I said: “I see with astonishment the seething and the boiling of the water, and the men burning and yet alive” And he answered me, saying: “This boiling that you see is the place of the operation
called embalming. Those who seek to obtain the art enter here, and they cast their bodies from them and become spirits. The practice of the art is explained by this procedure; for whatever casts off the grossness of the body becomes spirit.”
In short, my friend, build a temple from a single stone, like to white lead, to alabaster, to Proconnesian marble, with neither end nor beginning in its construction. Let it have within it a spring of the purest water, sparkling like the sun. Note on what side the entrance to the temple is, and take a sword in your hand, then seek the entrance, for narrow is the place where the opening is. A dragon lies at the entrance, guarding it. Lay hold upon him and immolate him. Strip him of his skin, and take his flesh and bones to separate the limbs. Laying the flesh of the limbs together with the bones at the entrance of the temple, make a step. Mount thereon and enter - you will find what you seek. The priest, the brazen man, whom you see seated in the spring and composing the substance, has changed his color and has become the silver man. If you will, you will soon perceive him as a golden man.
I said to myself “What is the cause of this vision? Is not that boiling white and yellow water the divine water?” And I found that I had well understood. “Beautiful it is to speak and beautiful to hear. Beautiful to give and beautiful to receive. Beautiful to be poor and beautiful to be rich. How does nature teach giving and receiving? The brazen man gives and the hydrolith receives. The metal gives and the plant receives. The stars give and the flowers receive. The heavens give and the earth receives. The thunder claps give forth darting fire.
All things are woven together and all things are undone again. All things are mingled together and all things combine. All things unite and all things separate. All things are moistened and all things are dried. All things flourish and all things fade in the bowl of the altar, for each thing comes to pass with method and in fixed measure and by exact weighing of the four elements.
The weaving together of all things and the undoing of all things and the whole fabric of things cannot come to pass without this method. It is a natural one, preserving due order in its inhaling and its exhaling. It brings increase and it brings decrease. Through the harmonies of separating and combining, all things bring forth nature. For nature applied to nature transforms nature. Such is the order of natural law throughout the whole cosmos, and thus all things hang together.” This is the key which shall open the flower of art, wisdom, reason and understanding.
Theatrum Chemicum - https://books.google.com/books?id=3...ce=gbs_ge_summary_r&cad=0#v=onepage&q&f=false
Zosimos
The first vision occurs at the beginning - Zosimos introduces his treatise with some general remarks on the processes of nature and, in particular, on the “composition of the waters” (Thesis udaton) and various other operations, and closes with the words: “and upon this simple system of many colours is based the manifold and infinitely varied investigation of all things.”
"And as I spoke thus I fell asleep, and I saw a sacrificer standing before me, high upon an altar in the shape of a bowl. There were fifteen steps leading up to the altar. The priest stood there, and I heard a voice from above saying “I have performed the act of descending the fifteen steps into the darkness, and the ascending of the steps into the light. And he who renews me is the sacrificer, by casting away the grossness of the body; and by compelling necessity I am sanctified as a priest and now stand in perfection as a spirit.” I inquired of him who he was and he answered me in a fine voice, saying “I am Ion, priest of the inner sanctuaries, and I submit myself to an unendurable torment. For there came one in haste at early morning, who overpowered me, and pierced me through with the sword, and dismembered me in accordance with the rule of harmony. And he drew off the skin of my head with the sword, which he wielded with strength, and mingled the bones with the pieces of flesh, and caused them to be burned upon the fire of the arttill I perceived by the transformation of the body that I had become spirit.” And even as he spoke thus, and I held him by force to converse with me, his eyes became as blood. And he spewed forth all his own flesh. And I saw how he changed into the opposite of himself- into a mutilated anthroparion, and he tore his flesh with his own teeth, and sank into himself.
Full of fear I thought to myself “Is not this the composition of the waters?” I saw the same bowl-shaped altar, and on the upper part- boiling water, and a numberless multitude of people in it, but there was no one near the altar whom I could question. Then I went up to the altar and I perceived the anthroparion - a barber grown grey with age who said to me: “What are you looking at?” I replied that I was astonished to see the seething of the water, and the men burning and yet alive. He answered, “The sight that you see is the entrance, and the exit, and the transformation.” I asked him “What transformation?” and he answered “This is the place of the operation called embalming. Those who seek to obtain the art enter here, and become spirits by escaping from the body.” Then I said “Are you a spirit?” And he answered "Yes, a spirit and a guardian of spirits.” As we spoke, while the boiling continued and the people uttered distressful cries, I saw a brazen man holding a leaden tablet in his hand. He spoke with a loud voice, looking upon the tablet, “I command all those who are undergoing the punishment to be calm, to take each of them a leaden tablet, to write with their own hand and to keep their eyes upraised in the air and their mouths open until their uvula swells.” The deed followed the word, and the master of the house said to me “You have beheld, you have stretched your neck upward and have seen what is done.” I replied that I had seen, and he continued: “This brazen man whom you see is the priest who sacrifices and is sacrificed (Sotor), and spews forth his own flesh. Power is given him over this water and over the people who are punished.”
At last I was overcome with the desire to mount the seven steps and to see the seven punishments, and, as was suitable, in a single day. So I went back in order to complete the ascent. Passing it several times, I finally came upon the path. But as I was about to ascend, I lost my way again. Greatly discouraged, and not seeing in which direction I should go, I fell asleep, and while I was sleeping, I saw an anthroparion, a barber clad in a robe of royal purple, who stood outside the place of punishments. He said “What are you doing?” and I replied “I have stopped here because I have lost my way.” And he said “Follow me.” I turned and followed him and we came near to the place of punishments. I saw my guide, this little barber, enter, and his whole body was consumed by the fire.
I stepped aside trembling with fear, then I awoke, and said to myself “What means this vision?” Again I clarified my understanding, and knew that this barber was the brazen man clad in a purple garment. And I said to my self “It is needful that he must enter the place of punishments.”
My soul desired to mount the third step, so I followed the road alone. When I was near the place of punishments I went astray, and I stopped in despair. Again I saw an old man whitened by years, who had become wholly white, with a blinding whiteness. His name was Agathodaimon. Turning himself about, the old man with white hair gazed upon me for a full hour. And I urged him “Show me the right way.” He did not come towards me, but hastened on his way. But I, running hither and thither, at length came to the altar. And when I stood at the top of the altar, I saw the white-haired old man enter the place of punishments and he was transformed by the flame into a pillar of fire. On account of the violence of the punishment, his eyes filled with blood. I spoke to him, and asked “Why are you stretched out there?” But he could barely open his mouth, and groaned “I am the leaden man, and I submit myself to an unendurable torment.” Seized with great fear, I awoke and sought within myself the reason for what I had seen. I said to myself - The lead (pain) is to be rejected, and in truth the vision refers to the composition of the liquids.
I beheld the divine and holy bowl-shaped altar, and saw a priest clothed in a white robe reaching to his feet, who was celebrating these terrible mysteries. I said: “Who is this?” And the answer came: “This is the priest of the inner sanctuaries. It is he who changes the bodies into blood, makes the eyes clairvoyant, and raises the dead." Then, falling again to earth, I fell asleep. And as I was ascending the fourth step, I saw to the east one approaching holding a sword in his hand. And another came behind him, bringing one adorned round about with signs, clad in white and comely to see, who was named the Meridian of the Sun. And as they drew near to the place of punishments, he who held the sword in his hand said “Cut off his head, immolate his body, and cut his flesh into pieces, that it may first be boiled according to the method, and then delivered to the place of punishments.” Thereupon I said "This concerns the liquids in the art of the metals.” And he who bore the sword in his hand said “You have completed the descent of the seven steps.” And the other answered, as he caused the waters to gush forth from all the moist places “The procedure is completed.”
I saw an altar which was in the shape of a bowl, and a fiery spirit stood upon the altar, and tended the fire for the seething and the boiling and the burning of the men who rose up from it. And I inquired about the people who stood there, and I said: “I see with astonishment the seething and the boiling of the water, and the men burning and yet alive” And he answered me, saying: “This boiling that you see is the place of the operation
called embalming. Those who seek to obtain the art enter here, and they cast their bodies from them and become spirits. The practice of the art is explained by this procedure; for whatever casts off the grossness of the body becomes spirit.”
In short, my friend, build a temple from a single stone, like to white lead, to alabaster, to Proconnesian marble, with neither end nor beginning in its construction. Let it have within it a spring of the purest water, sparkling like the sun. Note on what side the entrance to the temple is, and take a sword in your hand, then seek the entrance, for narrow is the place where the opening is. A dragon lies at the entrance, guarding it. Lay hold upon him and immolate him. Strip him of his skin, and take his flesh and bones to separate the limbs. Laying the flesh of the limbs together with the bones at the entrance of the temple, make a step. Mount thereon and enter - you will find what you seek. The priest, the brazen man, whom you see seated in the spring and composing the substance, has changed his color and has become the silver man. If you will, you will soon perceive him as a golden man.
I said to myself “What is the cause of this vision? Is not that boiling white and yellow water the divine water?” And I found that I had well understood. “Beautiful it is to speak and beautiful to hear. Beautiful to give and beautiful to receive. Beautiful to be poor and beautiful to be rich. How does nature teach giving and receiving? The brazen man gives and the hydrolith receives. The metal gives and the plant receives. The stars give and the flowers receive. The heavens give and the earth receives. The thunder claps give forth darting fire.
All things are woven together and all things are undone again. All things are mingled together and all things combine. All things unite and all things separate. All things are moistened and all things are dried. All things flourish and all things fade in the bowl of the altar, for each thing comes to pass with method and in fixed measure and by exact weighing of the four elements.
The weaving together of all things and the undoing of all things and the whole fabric of things cannot come to pass without this method. It is a natural one, preserving due order in its inhaling and its exhaling. It brings increase and it brings decrease. Through the harmonies of separating and combining, all things bring forth nature. For nature applied to nature transforms nature. Such is the order of natural law throughout the whole cosmos, and thus all things hang together.” This is the key which shall open the flower of art, wisdom, reason and understanding.
so this lovely lady is named Kayla. She robbed me for 50 dollars. You should not call her phone a bunch of times
Good morning Bluelight,
I am Walter G. A. Zapruder and I finally started writing the beginnings of what I believe to be an important Manifesto that I feel has the potential to be one of the catalysts that will help bring about the End of the Drug War
I come to this forum in need of pointers, critique, thoughts and any other engagement that will help me formulate and improve my most crucial and potentially the most important thing I have ever produced.
Below this, is what I have written so far, which is a fraction of what will become of the finished Manifesto. Thank you
I am Walter G. A. Zapruder and I finally started writing the beginnings of what I believe to be an important Manifesto that I feel has the potential to be one of the catalysts that will help bring about the End of the Drug War
I come to this forum in need of pointers, critique, thoughts and any other engagement that will help me formulate and improve my most crucial and potentially the most important thing I have ever produced.
Below this, is what I have written so far, which is a fraction of what will become of the finished Manifesto. Thank you
It has to end.
Walter G. A. Zapruder
My identity isn't going to be shared when I eventually have the stomach to share this screed with the world. This work is something that has been kicking around my noggin for the last year and a half, since I regularly started using crystal meth. I went into this criminal underworld essentially blinded to the totality of what I had gotten myself into the fateful day I decided to message the right somebody on Grindr asking if they sold tina. The day of my lunch break I went to their apartment, got to meet their dog and their teenage child. When I sat in their room, 20 dollars later and I began an unforced series of errors that spanned the lions share of my time as a methamphetamine connoseuir.
The school of hard knocks was as clear as the dusty shards of amphetamine in a small baggie. The habit I rapidly developed took it's seemingly permanent hold upon my psyche and to this day I feel a somewhat sickly adoration for that crazy crystal. I am built different than most meth users, in the way that I have ADHD. I have less of the same experiences as one who rapidly loses touch with reality and who's addiction is more than apparent to the world. My journey was much more subtle and insidious, as my own personal version of semi-addiction lacked the same explosive qualities (until much later) that the archetypal meth head in a shitty trailer park in buttfuck nowhere. My experience is that of significant ups and downs, resembling sheer jagged cliff faces, steep hills and numerous potholes.
Being that I am not neurotypical, methamphetamine being a psychostimulant, albeit an unbelievably powerful one, immediately sharpened my mental function. My attention is sharper, my thoughts are significantly deeper, the gift of gab I can have is ensured and it seemingly makes my mind perform superhuman tasks that dwarf my non medicated regular self. It performs the exact same function as a proper prescription of Adderall and Ritalin, if not for the illegality, the unknown purity, the unknown sourcing, the dangerous criminality it requires me to interact with and most importantly, it rapidly drains my body of it's resources like nutrients food and water.
Being high on this terrible wonder drug in it's most obscene form, being smoked from a small glass pipe that I can buy from numerous gas stations around my local town, causes the user to lose track of their own basic human needs if not treated like the equivilant of rocket fuel for a mind. When my bodily needs are met, which is nearly impossible on this drug, it gives me the ability to overclock my already genius mind to a fault. I am undoubtedly smarter, more focused, better at conversation if in a good mood and overall superiour to what I see as my normal inferior state.
Is this manifesto a cautionary tale? Yes
Is this manifesto a stark series of warnings that the government purposely keeps obscured? Absolutely
Is this drug a demonic presence in an otherwise normal person's life, bar ADHD if not given the proper respect that it deserves? You bet.
Is this screed a form of attempted harm reduction? It is a deep necessity I feel in my core
This entire screed is purpose written to give the reader, presumably one who took a plunge in the deep end without the fore-knowledge necessary to keep this potential tool from becoming an increasingly bleak and darkening nightmare that strips the humanity, the love and the people you love from your life until you are left howling at the moon, with nothing left but the fentanyl-laced powder that some other equally lost and helpless addict provided at whatever arbitrary markup they decided in their helplessly lost mind.
I will probably never entirely swear off crystal meth, as I am one of the numerous unlucky souls who made the fateful leap into a new era of my life by letting such a potent stimulant take the reigns. As an experienced meth enjoyer, through trial and error, I am here to tell you the budding methamphetamine chronic that you fucked up. You have made either the most ruineous life altering beginning of a long series of mistakes that will end in your eventual death, or you have chosen to harness the force of nature that this drug brings. I am not a normal case of someone who still struggles to find that fine middle ground that will allow me to harness this powerful foe and use it like the powerful tool it can potentially be. If it weren't for the man I love, I would be dead.
I did nothing to deserve a second chance at life. I am priviledged to even have the chance at bottling the lighting, rather than be struck by it and as such, I feel the time has come for me to begin picking away at what I know in my heart of hearts is an important piece of drug related literature. The beginnings of a manifesto that as the months and years drag on, will slowly but surely balloon with more and more useful, lifesaving and salvational information that I know will help save the lives of my less fortunate peers who are losing themselves to this drug.
Within this manifesto, you the reading tweaker, will be provided with my own knowledge and experiences that I have gained and lessons I have learned from being a user and a lover of my lucky lady Tina. Do not take what I am to write with a grain of salt as that isnt even enough to fill your glass with even the faintest swirrels of white electrifying smoke. What you are going to read may change your course and could save your life. Please share the information that you find useful, or point others towards this document as this needs to be common knowledge. None of us need to suffer and certainly none of us deserve to be miserable because of our questionable decision making.
So here goes nothing...
Tina, a gorgeous glass vixen
You have made a short sighted but human error in having picked up the pipe for the first time in your life. You may have been introduced by a friend, a stranger in a risque situation met through a hookup app gay or straight, a close relative or family member or any number of other ways the tendrils of Tina's influence tenderly introduced itself and lowered your guard. You may have felt a mixture of nervousness, curiousity, low grade fear and a myriad of other emotions before either your torch or lighter graced the bulb.
But as you watched the novel and mysterious glassy substance heat, as it pooled into a mostly clear, maybe brownish molten pool of superheated liquid and as you pulled the wispy white vapor in as much as you could in a breath, in mere moments your entire world has gotten rocked. However you were prior mentally or emotionally falls away into a void and what emerges from the newlyfound emptiness that resulted as soon as the vapor is absorbed by your lungs.
Your lady of ill repute, cruella-de-ville if you will, has cast upon you her charms. How her charms affected you this first time is dependant upon the individual, but for my personal experience, the charms caused me a sudden mental clarity, a clear minded nirvana that was resultant of that trance. I discovered that Tina blessed me with a mind that truly could live up to the expectation of genius. I knew from the outset the very first time I had danced with her, that she was a very dangerous temptation that I knew from then on would loom like a spectre over my existence.
But as a meth consumer who experienced and had a vague and general idea of what this tool is capable of, I know the reality of the situation and understand why I believed so strongly in methamphetamine's ability to supercharge my mind. It isn't unique to methamphetamine in regards to improvement of certain areas of my executive function, rather the nature of the beast of a stimulant dosage enveloping my brain in general was the explanation.
METHAMPHETAMINE'S POSITIVE EFFECTS ON EXECUTIVE FUNCTIONING'S DEFICITS ARE ABSOLUTELY NOT UNIQUE TO ITSELF.
I do not need meth to make my mind function as it should, because I recognize the nearly identically effective, yet significantly less taxing effects of Methylphenidate upon my body. Meth can be used to treat ADHD in the most severe of cases, in a clinical setting with strong scientifically sound and proven controls over the dosage, the purity, the sourcing with the added benefits of being administered and provided by law abiding professionals with educations directly related to treating mental health and dysfunctions such as ADHD.
Medically approved treatment of ADHD has many factors that street methamphetamine is incapable of achieving and maintaining
Pharmacuticals that are approved by the FDA after rigorous testing of their effects, an understanding of at least the basic mechanics of the drug awaiting the green light, a legally strong chain of custody that documents the journey of the drug's creation. From raw materials, to the labratories that synthesized the medication, to well documented and monitored industrial manufacturing of the medicine by trained and well paid technicians, every single step of the journey from approval by the Food and Drug Administration to the patient prescribed neccessary medication that they picked up at the Pharmacy of their choice, where finally a Pharmacy Technician and a licensed Pharmacist oversees the dispensary of the drug to the person in need.
Crystal Meth, along with any other illicit narcotics manufactured by clandestine hidden labratories or by other means have no possibility of such verification.
In all of the time I have partaken in crystal meth, from the times I used it in a recreational manner, to the times where I had bouts with flare ups of my mental illness of addiction, I have never once known any real information about the drugs I purchased from acquaintances that happened to sell it. Without my own initiative and unneccessarily difficult and opaque methods that require expertise and materials that I have limited access to, there is no true way for me to ever asertain anything about the quality of the drug that I buy to consume later. The closest thing to a guarantee that I might possibly get is an afirmative statement by the person of unknown trustworthiness of quality and retail value.
For the average consumer of illicit drugs, whatever their reason may be, they will never truely be any the wiser on their own about the safety, purity, quality or pricing of the drug they paid their dealer. The quality of the clandestine medicine they now possess for their own consumption hinges on the good word of the person they trusted enough to buy from. One may buy a gram of methamphetamine for whatever arbitrary pricing the dealer decided on, however far away from the fair market value of $40 dollars and come to find later on during a binge that their meth was tainted with a completely different clandestine medication, such as Fentanyl. As a man who has tried a few different opioids such as Heroin and Fentanyl in seperate instances, along with information about these drugs from offical sources on how they affect the body, the person in question who purchased what they thought was pure meth, in fact had a batch that one time they loaded their pipe with a specific portion of the baggie that was tainted. One moment they expected to enjoy a fun time they planned, or they maybe are suffering from a particualrly severe bout of addiction, and after they hit their pipe; they experience the feelings they might not recognize as the onset of an opioid overdose until its too late.
I was a victim of this myself, when one day, the source I trusted as a reliable and trustworthy as a methamphetamine dealer, sold me a batch with the most miniscule amount of fentanyl that tainted a random portion of the containing bag that I was so used to bringing home after driving up the highway back to my town. Within 20 minutes of having self administered methamphetamine vapor from my pipe, the only thing that wasn't right was how the hit felt in my lungs. The meth uncharacteristically fulminated and charred black suddenly and a slow but creeping feeling of an opioid high gradually increased in intensity and severity as it worked its way through my system. Eventually, I went into overdose in my apartment shortly after I had returned from a brief trip away. vision fading, the control of my muscles going limp, causing me to nearly slump off the bed onto the floor had it not been for the man I love catching me.
He saw the signs of what was happening and seeing me losing conscoiousness rapidly, administered a narcan kit. As he rushed into the bathroom to grab the life saving nasal spray, I mumbled for him to give me 15 more minutes in the numb and sludge frozen daze. I remember vividly how my consciousness swept back to life and the abject terror I was stricken by when it reversed the effects temporarily of the Fentanyl and I shreiked as the thick miasma stopped receding and began to suffocate me again. From what he had said, my eyes cocked out at a 45 degree angle from each other, my left eye and my right eye independently and vacantly cocked in an inhuman and unnatural way. From what I can remember of that traumatic near tragedy, at that point my vision was enveloped by a strange barrage of deep green and purple that I cant do justice with a description.
During the entire time this was occuring, he was frantically trying to get help from the operator after he had dialed 911 early into my body going into shock from the overdose. He could barely keep calm as he administered another Narcan, which brought back my normal color from the grey palor that swept over me. At some point, I found myself in the living room, surrounded by several firefighters and ambulance workers as they checked my vitals and kept close watch on me in case my body started to completely go into failure. At some point they had left, with the promise of my neighbor and my love that I would be driven to the emergency room; as I had regained enough consciousness to beg them all not to take me in an Ambulance, out of fear of the obscenely large medical debt that the priviledge of being given a lift 5 minutes down the road to the hospital that I would recieve.
When I finally arrived there and got dropped off, I found in my shame filled, traumatized and embaressed daze that was gradually fading that nobody there really felt any concern, or care for me as a patient. I felt the judgement of the entire medical staff on my shoulders as they went through the motions of registering me into the system as what I later found out from my 600 dollar medical bill was entered as a Sudden Illness. A nurse proceeded to lead me to a recliner in an empty area with curtains and beds for patients that was out of the way of the hospital staff who had much more important things to do than to deal with some worthless piece of shit who overdosed on Fentanyl.
Some worthless fucking deadbeat methhead who I felt they deep down wish they got to write a report of an overdose death somewhere in the city, rather than being forced to deal with and ignore the filth they were forced to pretend to treat. Nobody came to check on me, nor did anyone treat me with a modecum of respect, nor did any of those fucking scumbags ever gave a rats ass about my near death experience. They all maintained their air of superiority over the human waste that inconvinienced them.
To any current users, or those who partake, the onus of testing your own drugs is foisted upon you, as there is no regulations of any kind to ensure you wont be poisoned by something you are so used to consuming for an expected effect. Even with any number of precautions you may try putting in place, there is no truly certain way of knowing that your drugs aren't tainted, as the baggie that I had overdosed from had been tested in multiple different places with Fentanyl test strips. It was a single area in the bag that happened to have gotten loaded in the pipe that didn't get tested for the opioid. 3 different tests that we as amateurs did came back negative, before that fateful night.
Your purity, your quality, your pricing and anything else related to the crystal you are buying is all up to chance in the grand scheme of things. Your safety is a complex game of Russian roulette because of it's origins from an outlaw chemist
Your safety is not guaranteed because of the first argument I am going to make of this essay. Because these drugs are made illegal by the drug scheduling system, these problems exist. Every negative effect of any illicit drugs that the government proclaimed with supreme authority to be worthy of a prison sentence, is because they are illegal to manufacture and possess. Because they are effectively banned from the general public to use, because we are fighting a war on drugs, these harms exist.
None of the drugs that are reviled as poisons to the community are nearly as harmful as is proclaimed by the public, the government and the medical system. Because drugs are classified as a criminal offense, the criminal elements that make profits producing, smuggling, distributing and selling these drugs because the government deemed them illegal.
The government deemed these drugs illegal because by extension they deem addiction, a mental illness, as a criminal offense worthy of the same kind of punishment that violent criminals face for rape and murder. I propose a radically different approach that is slowly gaining traction, but not at a speed that will make any real difference in time. This civil rights disaster, that I have personally witnessed and by proxy experinced is what inspired me to take a stand for what is right, and to fight an evil that has corrupted the soul of our great nation.
I propose a solution that will heal our nation, vanquish the power of the drug cartels, provide trillions of dollars towards our own social systems, medical system and other systens. I propose we make the concept of classifying drugs as illegal, as an unconstitutional and tyranical overreach of the government over innocent people and we finally rip the band-aid off.
Legalize all illicit drugs, enlist the pharmaceutical giants with emergency wartime powers to begin manufacturing every street drug that has reached epidemic levels in the same way we regulate the manufacture of alcohol, tobacco and other consumable goods. Bayer, Pfizer and all other pharmaceutical companies will be tasked with producing Heroin, Fentanyl, Methamphetamine, Cocaine and any other drugs that are considered a societal harm. Sourcing precursors from verified and monitored American sources, to reach American markets.
With this new supply of verifiably safe and sourced and regulated consumer drugs produced nationwide the minimum age to purchase any of these drugs would match that of Alchol, Tobacco and Marijuana, which is the age of 21 with a valid government ID. Each of these consumer drugs would be taxed with the same sin taxes that the few vices that are socially acceptable are and ensure that the money that once flowed towards the Narcoterrorist cartels that used the 10 trillion dollars of black money to fund their campaigns of terror, violence and desolation that will gradually flow into State and Federal government coffers for offical earmarked use.
With the ever growing windfall of the cheap, safe, verifiable and regulated narcotics that undercut the Cartels own produced drugs to the point where they cant sustain their own operations as the worlds largest consumer market for black market illegal narcotics would rapidly cease to be as it transitioned from the shadows as Recreationals would . That money could be used for everything from repairing infrastructure, researching and understanding the mental illness of Addiction and its numerous different forms, creating building and maintaining solid support networks for people who want help. Providing any American Citizen no matter where they live in this great nation the ability to easily and freely obtain any number of services to help treat their mental illness at no cost to them.
The War on Drugs
In 1971, U.S. President Richard Nixon declared
It's time to finally end South America's Vietnam war and for our diminished nation to finally shake the poisionous ideas of the 100 year old Prohibition School of Thought of treating the class of mental illnesses Addiction as a crime worthy of police and government tyranny and release all detainees convicted of nonviolent possession offenses in all 50 states in the nations criminal justice system. Drug offenses that are enhanced by more serious charges will be allotted a court date to offer reduced sentences and significant addiction support and mental health treament if eligable. Violent offenses will be granted the same retrial with their civil class considered.
Federal Addiction Crisis Administration
FACA tasked with monitoring the National Recreational Purchase Tracking System (NRPTS) for American citizens that present their ID at purchase of FDA approved Pre-Scheduling Era psychotropic substances as approved for sale. This system could be modeled after the pre existing National Precursor Log Exchange system used to monitor sales of cold medication containing pseudoephedrine and monitors the dates, purchases, number of Drivers License logged purchases.
Every single legal purchase of any Recreational class substances excluding waivered classes of psychotropic substances such as alcohol and marijuana
Walter G. A. Zapruder
My identity isn't going to be shared when I eventually have the stomach to share this screed with the world. This work is something that has been kicking around my noggin for the last year and a half, since I regularly started using crystal meth. I went into this criminal underworld essentially blinded to the totality of what I had gotten myself into the fateful day I decided to message the right somebody on Grindr asking if they sold tina. The day of my lunch break I went to their apartment, got to meet their dog and their teenage child. When I sat in their room, 20 dollars later and I began an unforced series of errors that spanned the lions share of my time as a methamphetamine connoseuir.
The school of hard knocks was as clear as the dusty shards of amphetamine in a small baggie. The habit I rapidly developed took it's seemingly permanent hold upon my psyche and to this day I feel a somewhat sickly adoration for that crazy crystal. I am built different than most meth users, in the way that I have ADHD. I have less of the same experiences as one who rapidly loses touch with reality and who's addiction is more than apparent to the world. My journey was much more subtle and insidious, as my own personal version of semi-addiction lacked the same explosive qualities (until much later) that the archetypal meth head in a shitty trailer park in buttfuck nowhere. My experience is that of significant ups and downs, resembling sheer jagged cliff faces, steep hills and numerous potholes.
Being that I am not neurotypical, methamphetamine being a psychostimulant, albeit an unbelievably powerful one, immediately sharpened my mental function. My attention is sharper, my thoughts are significantly deeper, the gift of gab I can have is ensured and it seemingly makes my mind perform superhuman tasks that dwarf my non medicated regular self. It performs the exact same function as a proper prescription of Adderall and Ritalin, if not for the illegality, the unknown purity, the unknown sourcing, the dangerous criminality it requires me to interact with and most importantly, it rapidly drains my body of it's resources like nutrients food and water.
Being high on this terrible wonder drug in it's most obscene form, being smoked from a small glass pipe that I can buy from numerous gas stations around my local town, causes the user to lose track of their own basic human needs if not treated like the equivilant of rocket fuel for a mind. When my bodily needs are met, which is nearly impossible on this drug, it gives me the ability to overclock my already genius mind to a fault. I am undoubtedly smarter, more focused, better at conversation if in a good mood and overall superiour to what I see as my normal inferior state.
Is this manifesto a cautionary tale? Yes
Is this manifesto a stark series of warnings that the government purposely keeps obscured? Absolutely
Is this drug a demonic presence in an otherwise normal person's life, bar ADHD if not given the proper respect that it deserves? You bet.
Is this screed a form of attempted harm reduction? It is a deep necessity I feel in my core
This entire screed is purpose written to give the reader, presumably one who took a plunge in the deep end without the fore-knowledge necessary to keep this potential tool from becoming an increasingly bleak and darkening nightmare that strips the humanity, the love and the people you love from your life until you are left howling at the moon, with nothing left but the fentanyl-laced powder that some other equally lost and helpless addict provided at whatever arbitrary markup they decided in their helplessly lost mind.
I will probably never entirely swear off crystal meth, as I am one of the numerous unlucky souls who made the fateful leap into a new era of my life by letting such a potent stimulant take the reigns. As an experienced meth enjoyer, through trial and error, I am here to tell you the budding methamphetamine chronic that you fucked up. You have made either the most ruineous life altering beginning of a long series of mistakes that will end in your eventual death, or you have chosen to harness the force of nature that this drug brings. I am not a normal case of someone who still struggles to find that fine middle ground that will allow me to harness this powerful foe and use it like the powerful tool it can potentially be. If it weren't for the man I love, I would be dead.
I did nothing to deserve a second chance at life. I am priviledged to even have the chance at bottling the lighting, rather than be struck by it and as such, I feel the time has come for me to begin picking away at what I know in my heart of hearts is an important piece of drug related literature. The beginnings of a manifesto that as the months and years drag on, will slowly but surely balloon with more and more useful, lifesaving and salvational information that I know will help save the lives of my less fortunate peers who are losing themselves to this drug.
Within this manifesto, you the reading tweaker, will be provided with my own knowledge and experiences that I have gained and lessons I have learned from being a user and a lover of my lucky lady Tina. Do not take what I am to write with a grain of salt as that isnt even enough to fill your glass with even the faintest swirrels of white electrifying smoke. What you are going to read may change your course and could save your life. Please share the information that you find useful, or point others towards this document as this needs to be common knowledge. None of us need to suffer and certainly none of us deserve to be miserable because of our questionable decision making.
So here goes nothing...
Tina, a gorgeous glass vixen
You have made a short sighted but human error in having picked up the pipe for the first time in your life. You may have been introduced by a friend, a stranger in a risque situation met through a hookup app gay or straight, a close relative or family member or any number of other ways the tendrils of Tina's influence tenderly introduced itself and lowered your guard. You may have felt a mixture of nervousness, curiousity, low grade fear and a myriad of other emotions before either your torch or lighter graced the bulb.
But as you watched the novel and mysterious glassy substance heat, as it pooled into a mostly clear, maybe brownish molten pool of superheated liquid and as you pulled the wispy white vapor in as much as you could in a breath, in mere moments your entire world has gotten rocked. However you were prior mentally or emotionally falls away into a void and what emerges from the newlyfound emptiness that resulted as soon as the vapor is absorbed by your lungs.
Your lady of ill repute, cruella-de-ville if you will, has cast upon you her charms. How her charms affected you this first time is dependant upon the individual, but for my personal experience, the charms caused me a sudden mental clarity, a clear minded nirvana that was resultant of that trance. I discovered that Tina blessed me with a mind that truly could live up to the expectation of genius. I knew from the outset the very first time I had danced with her, that she was a very dangerous temptation that I knew from then on would loom like a spectre over my existence.
But as a meth consumer who experienced and had a vague and general idea of what this tool is capable of, I know the reality of the situation and understand why I believed so strongly in methamphetamine's ability to supercharge my mind. It isn't unique to methamphetamine in regards to improvement of certain areas of my executive function, rather the nature of the beast of a stimulant dosage enveloping my brain in general was the explanation.
METHAMPHETAMINE'S POSITIVE EFFECTS ON EXECUTIVE FUNCTIONING'S DEFICITS ARE ABSOLUTELY NOT UNIQUE TO ITSELF.
I do not need meth to make my mind function as it should, because I recognize the nearly identically effective, yet significantly less taxing effects of Methylphenidate upon my body. Meth can be used to treat ADHD in the most severe of cases, in a clinical setting with strong scientifically sound and proven controls over the dosage, the purity, the sourcing with the added benefits of being administered and provided by law abiding professionals with educations directly related to treating mental health and dysfunctions such as ADHD.
Medically approved treatment of ADHD has many factors that street methamphetamine is incapable of achieving and maintaining
Pharmacuticals that are approved by the FDA after rigorous testing of their effects, an understanding of at least the basic mechanics of the drug awaiting the green light, a legally strong chain of custody that documents the journey of the drug's creation. From raw materials, to the labratories that synthesized the medication, to well documented and monitored industrial manufacturing of the medicine by trained and well paid technicians, every single step of the journey from approval by the Food and Drug Administration to the patient prescribed neccessary medication that they picked up at the Pharmacy of their choice, where finally a Pharmacy Technician and a licensed Pharmacist oversees the dispensary of the drug to the person in need.
Crystal Meth, along with any other illicit narcotics manufactured by clandestine hidden labratories or by other means have no possibility of such verification.
In all of the time I have partaken in crystal meth, from the times I used it in a recreational manner, to the times where I had bouts with flare ups of my mental illness of addiction, I have never once known any real information about the drugs I purchased from acquaintances that happened to sell it. Without my own initiative and unneccessarily difficult and opaque methods that require expertise and materials that I have limited access to, there is no true way for me to ever asertain anything about the quality of the drug that I buy to consume later. The closest thing to a guarantee that I might possibly get is an afirmative statement by the person of unknown trustworthiness of quality and retail value.
For the average consumer of illicit drugs, whatever their reason may be, they will never truely be any the wiser on their own about the safety, purity, quality or pricing of the drug they paid their dealer. The quality of the clandestine medicine they now possess for their own consumption hinges on the good word of the person they trusted enough to buy from. One may buy a gram of methamphetamine for whatever arbitrary pricing the dealer decided on, however far away from the fair market value of $40 dollars and come to find later on during a binge that their meth was tainted with a completely different clandestine medication, such as Fentanyl. As a man who has tried a few different opioids such as Heroin and Fentanyl in seperate instances, along with information about these drugs from offical sources on how they affect the body, the person in question who purchased what they thought was pure meth, in fact had a batch that one time they loaded their pipe with a specific portion of the baggie that was tainted. One moment they expected to enjoy a fun time they planned, or they maybe are suffering from a particualrly severe bout of addiction, and after they hit their pipe; they experience the feelings they might not recognize as the onset of an opioid overdose until its too late.
I was a victim of this myself, when one day, the source I trusted as a reliable and trustworthy as a methamphetamine dealer, sold me a batch with the most miniscule amount of fentanyl that tainted a random portion of the containing bag that I was so used to bringing home after driving up the highway back to my town. Within 20 minutes of having self administered methamphetamine vapor from my pipe, the only thing that wasn't right was how the hit felt in my lungs. The meth uncharacteristically fulminated and charred black suddenly and a slow but creeping feeling of an opioid high gradually increased in intensity and severity as it worked its way through my system. Eventually, I went into overdose in my apartment shortly after I had returned from a brief trip away. vision fading, the control of my muscles going limp, causing me to nearly slump off the bed onto the floor had it not been for the man I love catching me.
He saw the signs of what was happening and seeing me losing conscoiousness rapidly, administered a narcan kit. As he rushed into the bathroom to grab the life saving nasal spray, I mumbled for him to give me 15 more minutes in the numb and sludge frozen daze. I remember vividly how my consciousness swept back to life and the abject terror I was stricken by when it reversed the effects temporarily of the Fentanyl and I shreiked as the thick miasma stopped receding and began to suffocate me again. From what he had said, my eyes cocked out at a 45 degree angle from each other, my left eye and my right eye independently and vacantly cocked in an inhuman and unnatural way. From what I can remember of that traumatic near tragedy, at that point my vision was enveloped by a strange barrage of deep green and purple that I cant do justice with a description.
During the entire time this was occuring, he was frantically trying to get help from the operator after he had dialed 911 early into my body going into shock from the overdose. He could barely keep calm as he administered another Narcan, which brought back my normal color from the grey palor that swept over me. At some point, I found myself in the living room, surrounded by several firefighters and ambulance workers as they checked my vitals and kept close watch on me in case my body started to completely go into failure. At some point they had left, with the promise of my neighbor and my love that I would be driven to the emergency room; as I had regained enough consciousness to beg them all not to take me in an Ambulance, out of fear of the obscenely large medical debt that the priviledge of being given a lift 5 minutes down the road to the hospital that I would recieve.
When I finally arrived there and got dropped off, I found in my shame filled, traumatized and embaressed daze that was gradually fading that nobody there really felt any concern, or care for me as a patient. I felt the judgement of the entire medical staff on my shoulders as they went through the motions of registering me into the system as what I later found out from my 600 dollar medical bill was entered as a Sudden Illness. A nurse proceeded to lead me to a recliner in an empty area with curtains and beds for patients that was out of the way of the hospital staff who had much more important things to do than to deal with some worthless piece of shit who overdosed on Fentanyl.
Some worthless fucking deadbeat methhead who I felt they deep down wish they got to write a report of an overdose death somewhere in the city, rather than being forced to deal with and ignore the filth they were forced to pretend to treat. Nobody came to check on me, nor did anyone treat me with a modecum of respect, nor did any of those fucking scumbags ever gave a rats ass about my near death experience. They all maintained their air of superiority over the human waste that inconvinienced them.
To any current users, or those who partake, the onus of testing your own drugs is foisted upon you, as there is no regulations of any kind to ensure you wont be poisoned by something you are so used to consuming for an expected effect. Even with any number of precautions you may try putting in place, there is no truly certain way of knowing that your drugs aren't tainted, as the baggie that I had overdosed from had been tested in multiple different places with Fentanyl test strips. It was a single area in the bag that happened to have gotten loaded in the pipe that didn't get tested for the opioid. 3 different tests that we as amateurs did came back negative, before that fateful night.
Your purity, your quality, your pricing and anything else related to the crystal you are buying is all up to chance in the grand scheme of things. Your safety is a complex game of Russian roulette because of it's origins from an outlaw chemist
Your safety is not guaranteed because of the first argument I am going to make of this essay. Because these drugs are made illegal by the drug scheduling system, these problems exist. Every negative effect of any illicit drugs that the government proclaimed with supreme authority to be worthy of a prison sentence, is because they are illegal to manufacture and possess. Because they are effectively banned from the general public to use, because we are fighting a war on drugs, these harms exist.
None of the drugs that are reviled as poisons to the community are nearly as harmful as is proclaimed by the public, the government and the medical system. Because drugs are classified as a criminal offense, the criminal elements that make profits producing, smuggling, distributing and selling these drugs because the government deemed them illegal.
The government deemed these drugs illegal because by extension they deem addiction, a mental illness, as a criminal offense worthy of the same kind of punishment that violent criminals face for rape and murder. I propose a radically different approach that is slowly gaining traction, but not at a speed that will make any real difference in time. This civil rights disaster, that I have personally witnessed and by proxy experinced is what inspired me to take a stand for what is right, and to fight an evil that has corrupted the soul of our great nation.
I propose a solution that will heal our nation, vanquish the power of the drug cartels, provide trillions of dollars towards our own social systems, medical system and other systens. I propose we make the concept of classifying drugs as illegal, as an unconstitutional and tyranical overreach of the government over innocent people and we finally rip the band-aid off.
Legalize all illicit drugs, enlist the pharmaceutical giants with emergency wartime powers to begin manufacturing every street drug that has reached epidemic levels in the same way we regulate the manufacture of alcohol, tobacco and other consumable goods. Bayer, Pfizer and all other pharmaceutical companies will be tasked with producing Heroin, Fentanyl, Methamphetamine, Cocaine and any other drugs that are considered a societal harm. Sourcing precursors from verified and monitored American sources, to reach American markets.
With this new supply of verifiably safe and sourced and regulated consumer drugs produced nationwide the minimum age to purchase any of these drugs would match that of Alchol, Tobacco and Marijuana, which is the age of 21 with a valid government ID. Each of these consumer drugs would be taxed with the same sin taxes that the few vices that are socially acceptable are and ensure that the money that once flowed towards the Narcoterrorist cartels that used the 10 trillion dollars of black money to fund their campaigns of terror, violence and desolation that will gradually flow into State and Federal government coffers for offical earmarked use.
With the ever growing windfall of the cheap, safe, verifiable and regulated narcotics that undercut the Cartels own produced drugs to the point where they cant sustain their own operations as the worlds largest consumer market for black market illegal narcotics would rapidly cease to be as it transitioned from the shadows as Recreationals would . That money could be used for everything from repairing infrastructure, researching and understanding the mental illness of Addiction and its numerous different forms, creating building and maintaining solid support networks for people who want help. Providing any American Citizen no matter where they live in this great nation the ability to easily and freely obtain any number of services to help treat their mental illness at no cost to them.
The War on Drugs
In 1971, U.S. President Richard Nixon declared
It's time to finally end South America's Vietnam war and for our diminished nation to finally shake the poisionous ideas of the 100 year old Prohibition School of Thought of treating the class of mental illnesses Addiction as a crime worthy of police and government tyranny and release all detainees convicted of nonviolent possession offenses in all 50 states in the nations criminal justice system. Drug offenses that are enhanced by more serious charges will be allotted a court date to offer reduced sentences and significant addiction support and mental health treament if eligable. Violent offenses will be granted the same retrial with their civil class considered.
Federal Addiction Crisis Administration
FACA tasked with monitoring the National Recreational Purchase Tracking System (NRPTS) for American citizens that present their ID at purchase of FDA approved Pre-Scheduling Era psychotropic substances as approved for sale. This system could be modeled after the pre existing National Precursor Log Exchange system used to monitor sales of cold medication containing pseudoephedrine and monitors the dates, purchases, number of Drivers License logged purchases.
Every single legal purchase of any Recreational class substances excluding waivered classes of psychotropic substances such as alcohol and marijuana
First off, my long term aim is to write an academic paper on this (as well as the topic of my other blog, optimal emotional state).
However, to do so I first must outline all ideas comprehensively, then reduce or boil that down until the material addresses all core concepts in a manner concisely enough suitable for a paper.
Where to start.....
1) emotional performance = establishing energy
2) physical/sports performance = how to optimally apply that energy.
However, to do so I first must outline all ideas comprehensively, then reduce or boil that down until the material addresses all core concepts in a manner concisely enough suitable for a paper.
Where to start.....
1) emotional performance = establishing energy
2) physical/sports performance = how to optimally apply that energy.
Rosalee is so fucked up and I have to get rid of this bitch for good. We have been "friends" for lack of a better friend, by tumoutuously (sp) for almost 2 and a half hellish years. I had just got out of a 37 year friendship that had taken alot out of me and Rosalee was right there acting like she knew I expected the people in my life should, as I always do for them. We are in our late 50s and she 65. She gets kicked out of every house she has lived in, she leaves bodies and enemies in her wake, she is selfish, narcissistic, will terrorize me for no reason until I upset then go on a rampage talking bad about me like a child, embarrassing me -- I even had to release a client because of her -- she had no where to go after leaving her last place. I gave up two full days to her daily drama where everyone has to stop their lives for her or you regret it and moved her into my private office. She even threw a box at my head and marked me up. I can't continue on except she needs therapy and her own children want nothing to do with her. She is having surgery soon. I think after she recovers we will have to put her shit out on the lawn and change the locks. Or evict her formerlly, it is hell. I stay locked in my room. I want her far away from me forever so that I never have to see or hear from her again.
Just venting.
Just venting.
I would tell you that I am sorry for the hurtful words I said. Sorry for the violence. The anger. The arrogance. I should of stayed the same nice guy. Instead I tried to be something I can't be. I'm sorry you hate me. I'm sorry you feel you can't trust me. I guess sorry is the word of the day. I'm sorry they where right about us. I guess all good things on this planet die and decay
I have been in AA, in and out since 2007.
yesterday I started taking valium.
I am 49 years old.
I'm tired of trying.
I'm tired . Addicted for 35 years .
pray for ,me.
yesterday I started taking valium.
I am 49 years old.
I'm tired of trying.
I'm tired . Addicted for 35 years .
pray for ,me.
There's this used bookstore a few blocks down from my apartment that I go to semi frequently. I'm fairly acquainted with the proprietor, he knows that I collect books about drugs and will always be sure to show me the new drug literature he has in store when I visit. He tells me about this new book he got in the store about ayahuasca, I tell him I'd love to see it, he takes me over to a shelf and pulls out Jonathan Otts Ayahuasca analogs! My eyes immediately burst wide upon seeing the title, "oh my god, this book is really rare" I yell out stupidly. I immediately regret my statement, he was selling the book for eleven dollars, most of the copies online are going for around 500$. After I burst out the fact elusivity of the book, he takes it from me and looks up the price. Unfortunately I don't have 500$ to spend on any of Ott's literature, so I needless to say didn't end up buying it... Anyway, I hope your guys' days were a lot better, I'm going to go cry myself to sleep.
These Are Just What Stars Are, I Think.
bigthink.com
Ask Ethan: What are white holes, and do they really exist?
In General Relativity, white holes are just as mathematically plausible as black holes. Black holes are real; what about white holes?
bigthink.com
I love to learn how to grow Cannabis outdoors, as well as lavender. Any pro gardeners feel free to chime in. @negrogesic @Snafu in the Void @mal3volent. On 20mg Valium, 2 cans of French and Dutch beer. Might have a cognac too. Dreaming about my humble garden. BUMP!
- Locked
🧑🌾 Gardening 🧑🌾
Oxycodone synthesis vs Heroin synthesis if you have a field of poppy plants what would you use the opium for?
So, my question is with the different routes of synthesis and if you had a full 3 acres of poppy plants ready for harvest. What would you make for the opium and what would be the most profitable?
From my understanding Oxycodone is synthesis from a chemical from the poppy plant and so obviously is heroin.
Someone recently is trying to tell me that his pill says pressed with oxycodone and they aren't but my argument was brought up was how could they get the oxycodone powered if the only way is if it came from the plant and there is not AFFORDABLE synthetic route to synthesis oxycodone?
From my understanding Oxycodone is synthesis from a chemical from the poppy plant and so obviously is heroin.
Someone recently is trying to tell me that his pill says pressed with oxycodone and they aren't but my argument was brought up was how could they get the oxycodone powered if the only way is if it came from the plant and there is not AFFORDABLE synthetic route to synthesis oxycodone?
SInce getting off methadone. It seems like my epilepsy has came back after about 6 months off. It totally could have nothing to do with me quitting methadone since I usually had a seizure every 6 months anyway. The ones I have had letely are different from the ones i started with about 7 years ago. I used to only have grand mauls. Three months ago I had started haveing petit mauls every other night. I did not quite black out but hit the floor and seized. It really sucks bad and hurts physicaly a lot. It happend 20 times one month. I went back to the hospital and since iv been on every damn seizure medication other than benzos since i had a history of being on methaodne. I was never treated nicely or fair in the hospital. The month after i had the seizures I had another 2 then I could not handle it anymore and I went to the hospital. I am in Canada so its free( but in a way it still sucks becasue it takes 6-16 hours to get in to see a dr at the Greater Sudbury Hospital;iI live about 4 hours North of Toronto) I ended up seeing a dr who looked at my past and all the different drugs that ddint work but it did say they had some success with Ativan(Lorazepam) so my neurologist deicded to prescribe me clonazepam. My dosage was 4 .5s a day so in the end 2mgs prescribed in a manner of 2 .5's in the morning and 2 .5's after supper. I didn't abuse the medicine at all and it was the best I have ever taken. My seizures stopped in 3 days. Only 2 small one the first and second day. Then none at all. Well since I still had my old methadone dr as one of the drs to send my info too( I do not understand why havnt been there years and i told them to take it off but they "forgot" ). My former methadone dr recived it and he is honestly not being biast the biggest asshole in the world. No joke. He was just on the news and being sued for not dropping patients and having much much more than is a lound.( since the Government pays him hundreds of dollars a month for each patient and we still have to pay 160 a month for the methadone unless you are on social assistance or have coverage with you're job..many don not ) Also he was not meeting his patients enough in person. He was always on the computer screen 5 hours away. Sitting there watching soccer half the time. lol Yay 1 goal per game so fun , " and ties you bet" jk around. This man actually had the nerve to call my nerologist who prescribed me the clonazepam and just talk complete shit about me, saying im way to much of a liability wiht my past addiction. Even though my neurogist already knew about the past addiction because I told her the methadone dr just had to call any and freak out about me. I still have an appointment but I bet I woint get the only med that fucking worked. I was actually able to go out and hand out resumes on it and be normal. No seizures anymore and I never abused it. Never took extra, never sold any. Makes me so mad that ill prolly lose the only drug that has worked for me. Fucking asshole methaodne dr im not even on it anymore.PLus i was clean for 3 years on his program and had all my carries for 3 years so why would he call and say im a liability? Just because he is a pure asshole. I hope my dr prescribes me clonazepam again honestly it really worked and I never abused it so fuck i deserve to have the only med thats worked. I kow my neurologist is going to give into the methadone dr and prescribe me something iv already had and try and trick me and say the breand name or drug name and ill say iv already tried it didnt work check my records, but I bet the Neurologist will prescribe it anywway. WHy cant life be fair. That methadone dr hasnt been my dr for months he has no right to call my neurologist and talk shit about me like that. My methadone dr was sucha fucking asshole. Took me 12 months to get 3 carries i wason 5 years. Took 2 years to get 6 when at least it should take 7 because the first one takes 2 montsh of being clean. ANyway I rambled so much if someone actually read all this thanks for reading I hope no one else has to experience something unfair like that.
********TRIGGER WARNING******** DARK SHIT, SUICIDE, MENTAL HEALTH*********
3 suicide attempts. 4 trips to rehab. 3 trips to the behavioral health unit. 4 overdoses. 1 trip to solitary confinement in jail for a week. So many car wrecks. Since 2014.
These are the dire consequences of the life I live and the result of my fatal impulses. It's like I seek destruction as a means and an end, and I finally have a feeling like I can overcome these things but it is still so difficult. I get antsy. I get anxiety. I am stable but devastation is always on deck to be released.
I have permanent physical consequences from my last suicide attempt. I severed an artery in my wrist with a sharp pocket knife, and I enflamed the tendonitis in my left knee to new levels after falling down some steps. These might be somewhat minor to some, but I now have this shit to upkeep and a permanent pain, I can no longer kneel or do a lot of normal things.
I'm starting this blog simply to tell my story and get my feelings out. I have to put it somewhere. And I trust the community of Bluelight to offer advice and solidarity as I go through these struggles. I am unemployed. Living at home with folks thankfully. But I'm at the point of desperation, all of my loans are behind and I have maybe 10 dollars to my name in all my accounts and stocks aside from my IRA. I'm hurting. I need help but the only person that can get me there is myself. Probably 6 months til I can drive, but my probation should be over in 2 months.
I'm getting there but it's tough. This is where I'm at. Feel free to tell me where you're at, I'd love to hear from all of you in your own individual ways. We are all important and we all have something to offer. That is the point of this website.
Anyway, I'll quit rambling for now. Sending you all love and positive energy. More to come I'm sure. I might write a book here who knows.
3 suicide attempts. 4 trips to rehab. 3 trips to the behavioral health unit. 4 overdoses. 1 trip to solitary confinement in jail for a week. So many car wrecks. Since 2014.
These are the dire consequences of the life I live and the result of my fatal impulses. It's like I seek destruction as a means and an end, and I finally have a feeling like I can overcome these things but it is still so difficult. I get antsy. I get anxiety. I am stable but devastation is always on deck to be released.
I have permanent physical consequences from my last suicide attempt. I severed an artery in my wrist with a sharp pocket knife, and I enflamed the tendonitis in my left knee to new levels after falling down some steps. These might be somewhat minor to some, but I now have this shit to upkeep and a permanent pain, I can no longer kneel or do a lot of normal things.
I'm starting this blog simply to tell my story and get my feelings out. I have to put it somewhere. And I trust the community of Bluelight to offer advice and solidarity as I go through these struggles. I am unemployed. Living at home with folks thankfully. But I'm at the point of desperation, all of my loans are behind and I have maybe 10 dollars to my name in all my accounts and stocks aside from my IRA. I'm hurting. I need help but the only person that can get me there is myself. Probably 6 months til I can drive, but my probation should be over in 2 months.
I'm getting there but it's tough. This is where I'm at. Feel free to tell me where you're at, I'd love to hear from all of you in your own individual ways. We are all important and we all have something to offer. That is the point of this website.
Anyway, I'll quit rambling for now. Sending you all love and positive energy. More to come I'm sure. I might write a book here who knows.
I trusted. I laid my nearly virgin heart on the altar of love i held back nothing. I gave freely of everything i had without reservation. Then when that was gone i got up everyday and ran myself to exhaustion physically mentally and morally. Because i loved you. I believed in us. I never quit i always forgave i told lies to everyone i ever called a confidont friend or aquantence. Because i loved you and i wanted you to know i was all in.
For a long time i believed you where just as committed. Doubt only crept in recently in a slow sickening buildup of sinister realization. Then in an instant the die was cast and i coukdnt deny it any longer. Love is dead my heart destroyed my purpose extinguished. So long my sweet princess ill never forget the eternity i spent with you before finding out that perfect things cannot exist outside the books we used to believe in. As if this life is simple enough for trite things like love to exist longer then briefly
For a long time i believed you where just as committed. Doubt only crept in recently in a slow sickening buildup of sinister realization. Then in an instant the die was cast and i coukdnt deny it any longer. Love is dead my heart destroyed my purpose extinguished. So long my sweet princess ill never forget the eternity i spent with you before finding out that perfect things cannot exist outside the books we used to believe in. As if this life is simple enough for trite things like love to exist longer then briefly
The hyper-politically correct, overly sensitive social media landscape has taken a concept which should mean one thing and flipped it on its head to mean another thing entirely.
Body acceptance.
Body acceptance, according to the social media world, means as a society we must accept different body types and the people that are in them. That's fine.
However, how is accepting (and therefore condoning) an obese persons body type, not at best irresponsible, and at worst down right deadly? Sure, you might still be a beautiful person on the inside, but if you're unhealthily overweight, what makes you think it's *not* okay for others to call you out on it - especially if you parade that fact about yourself openly and proudly?
If I took a photo of myself with white powder caked on my nostrils, looking like I hadn't slept in three days, would you then expect me to write an essay on how this is all about "chemical acceptance," and if you can't see the way society has molded you to shame and judge drug users, then YOU'RE actually the one with a deficient social sensibility and conscience?
Is the hypocrisy and stupidity of this not clear? If someone is unhealthily overweight, we should not accept that scenario and tell them it's okay - just in the same way we don't tell drug addicts and people with similar conditions it's okay.
What we should be saying is - "I believe there is a beautiful person inside of you, but your obesity is hurting yourself and those around you - and for that reason, I do not accept your body."
Body acceptance.
Body acceptance, according to the social media world, means as a society we must accept different body types and the people that are in them. That's fine.
However, how is accepting (and therefore condoning) an obese persons body type, not at best irresponsible, and at worst down right deadly? Sure, you might still be a beautiful person on the inside, but if you're unhealthily overweight, what makes you think it's *not* okay for others to call you out on it - especially if you parade that fact about yourself openly and proudly?
If I took a photo of myself with white powder caked on my nostrils, looking like I hadn't slept in three days, would you then expect me to write an essay on how this is all about "chemical acceptance," and if you can't see the way society has molded you to shame and judge drug users, then YOU'RE actually the one with a deficient social sensibility and conscience?
Is the hypocrisy and stupidity of this not clear? If someone is unhealthily overweight, we should not accept that scenario and tell them it's okay - just in the same way we don't tell drug addicts and people with similar conditions it's okay.
What we should be saying is - "I believe there is a beautiful person inside of you, but your obesity is hurting yourself and those around you - and for that reason, I do not accept your body."
If we had known how many of us would perish maybe we would have given more thought to the decision. It seemed pretty benign to just try it once you know for the experience. If we would of thought more about it would it have mattered? If we knew the funerals that would be sparsely attended. The holidays we would miss. The birthdays that are no longer celebrated. But really the death was just the epilogue of a slow motion tragedy played out over the decade that became our 20s. Those milestones we set on our calendars in middle school got slightly altered kinda quickly. Instead of graduating college we graduated rehabs. We started maintenance instead of careers. Over time the paper thin lies we told family and straight friends turned into awkward silence before the inevitable absence that took us even before death made it all so permanent.
All that's left of our permanent youth are Facebook pages and pictures that we didn't want taken. Our old friends speak our names in hushed tones and with reverence "do you remember that time before" it all fell apart and we gave our future over to chemists that don't pay taxes. Like I said where we really that sad had we known what we would give up to just feel the rush of a drug that we never had enough of. Can love really be obtained in a chemical solution? I dont really know but I do feel the estrangement from the person I was before all this bullshit transpired
All that's left of our permanent youth are Facebook pages and pictures that we didn't want taken. Our old friends speak our names in hushed tones and with reverence "do you remember that time before" it all fell apart and we gave our future over to chemists that don't pay taxes. Like I said where we really that sad had we known what we would give up to just feel the rush of a drug that we never had enough of. Can love really be obtained in a chemical solution? I dont really know but I do feel the estrangement from the person I was before all this bullshit transpired
If you take enough meth, then you are going to get woke, the opposite of politically correct. And "Once you are awake, you will stay awake."--Frederick Nietzsche.
Overdid the meth? Ethylamphetamine is lovely and heavenly with PUPILLARY DILATION. Mydriasis (dilated pupils) and nystagmus (eye wiggles) are solid gold indications of good things happening.
Ephedra gardened meth is a smoother and softer product than other forms of it, excluding levo meth, but I prefer most of the other kinds to it.
Overdid the meth? Ethylamphetamine is lovely and heavenly with PUPILLARY DILATION. Mydriasis (dilated pupils) and nystagmus (eye wiggles) are solid gold indications of good things happening.
Ephedra gardened meth is a smoother and softer product than other forms of it, excluding levo meth, but I prefer most of the other kinds to it.
The zeitgeist of each succeeding generation seems to come with its own version of the 'speedball', the combination of a stimulant with a depressant (typically of the opioid class). The combination of heroin with cocaine and or amphetamines in the early 20th century seems to have been the progenitor of endless experimentation with all sorts of pharmacophores and analogues thereof. But in an ever-evolving pharmacological landscape it can be difficult for the average junkie to keep up with the latest hype of polydrug use.
Introducing, the infinite monkey speedball theorem. A primate of some sort existing somewhere in space with access to an endless combination of opioids and stimulants. The theorem postulates that a monkey left to his own devices in a room with all the worlds possible different stimulants, analgesics, and opioid peptides will eventually discover the holy grail of speedballs. A speedball that will usher in a new era of productivity and euphoria for humanity, and maybe even make Chris Farley rise from the dead.
Introducing, the infinite monkey speedball theorem. A primate of some sort existing somewhere in space with access to an endless combination of opioids and stimulants. The theorem postulates that a monkey left to his own devices in a room with all the worlds possible different stimulants, analgesics, and opioid peptides will eventually discover the holy grail of speedballs. A speedball that will usher in a new era of productivity and euphoria for humanity, and maybe even make Chris Farley rise from the dead.