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So, I lost my mom unexpectedly yesterday. I was her only child and she had been a constant in my life, along with her house. Now she is gone and I'm feeling like I did when I was 19. I had burned my hand and it was exquisitely painful. I had to put my hand into a bowl of ice water which gave me relief until I removed it and then it started all over again. Now I'm trying to remember The Course that says none of this is real. This world isn't real. This life isn't real. If none of them are real, then this pain cannot be real.

So, I got a phone call early this morning from my aunt regarding my mom. Mom has been in a skilled nursing facility/rehab. Her health was critical Jan 29, then got a little better, but then turned to shit once again. Apparently, she had internal bleeding and septicemia which I'm assuming is what killed her. I went to the ER at the hospital and she was already unresponsive. Her eyes were open, but she wasn't blinking. Although she drove me crazy a great deal of the time, we were also very close as well. I'm an only child so I was all she had in terms of kids. She was 80 years old and most of her family and friends are dead. It was a shock that she died this morning. I expected another 5 years out of her, but that did not happen. In addition, I will lose the home I have shared with her on and off since 1977. This house and everything in it remind me of her, but mom had a huge income when she was working. I have never come close to her earning potential, which means even though she left the house to me, I can not afford a mortgage, homeowners, maintenance and property tax. Not even close. So, I will lose my childhood home since 1977. I dread the thought of renting an apartment with inflation as high as it is. In the 1990's I was paying $600-$700/mo for a one bedroom apartment. Where I live they now cost $3000/month. Even renting a room runs $1500. So, I'm hurt I lost my mom. I'm hurt I will lose the house and I'm hurt at the uncertainty of my future. She had some life left in her. It's such a tragedy that she's gone.

So, I am 59 now. I first came to BL in 2001. At that time, I was still a hardcore drug user and writing was my favorite pastime. Well now mom is 80 years old and she went downhill all at once. She is in a rehab/nursing home. It makes me very angry that she has to tolerate being incontinent, not being able to walk, plus reduced mental capacity. She was always a strong woman and a major go-getter. She was able to buy this half-acre home/lot that has been a part of my life since 1977. I never expected to own a home. This was due to low wages, drug use, and zero desire to deal with property tax, homeowners insurance, and house maintenance. So what happened was mom went downhill much too fast. I'm not sure if this illness will take her life or leave her permanently disabled, but now I'm the one in charge of the house. I got thrown into all of the responsibilities of this house, paying it's bills with no former training in how to do so. It's plain weird taking care of the house with no mom in sight. She's only 5 minutes away, but this has thrown me for a loop and made me sad. There is no way I will tolerate not being able to walk as well as having no control over my bodily functions. NA talks about living life on life's terms, but right now as far as I'm concerned it's terms are unfuckingacceptable. I will do the best I can to hold onto this house for mom, but I can't help thinking my time is coming up next. I figure I have another ten years left in me, and I'm fine with that. I'd rather die in ten years than be forced to deal with what mom is dealing with. I know this is a depressing post, but I had to get it out. I have to periodically fight the sadness that threatens to overtake me. I will probably share about this in my Narcotics Anonymous meeting tonight.

So, I was sitting in my Character and Conflict class last Tuesday afternoon. This class demands a great deal of soul searching and self-honesty. I have been a member of Narcotics Anonymous for ten years now and writing on my step work has already given me a great deal of practice. There was a lot of writing on Step 4, which many people dread. I was not one of them because I was anxious to know why I was always in a great deal of psychic pain when I was young. The professor put on a Miley Cyrus song at the beginning of class and asked us to listen to it. I've always been a classic rock and pop type of person, but the melody and the words took me back to when I was young. The professor asked for comments, so I told him that the song reminded me of why I felt the need to do so many drugs when I was young. I was constantly plagued with the idea that I was not thin enough, pretty enough, rich enough, smart enough (especially the thin and pretty). As I told the class this, I saw most of the young ladies nodding their heads. They have the same insecurities that I did back in the 80's, sadly enough. The next thing I said was, "If I could go back and talk to my 21 year old self, I would tell her, don't sweat the small stuff, honey. You are enough in every single way." And I was, but I was always the kind of girl that carried around an extra 15 pounds. Society said we must be thin in order to be beautiful, so I did a lot of speed so that I could have that kind of beauty. The thing is what young girls don't realize is that they already are beautiful as they are. I hope I got through to some of them. Sometimes I see that the more things change, the more they stay the same.

But we trying to find a better way.
Maybe heaven is a ghetto with no bad blocks and shangri-la dealers at every bus stop and
maybe god is a cop that we can fast talk
so if your guilty and you know it put your hands up
cause karma is just another word for bad luck
and what if death is just another pair of handcuffs.
Then I guess we better run....

Oh Ali. Wtf happened here. I love you. I really do.

I'm closer to 70 than 60 and have been a high-functioning recreational drug user for close to 50 years. I've maintained my health and managed daily cannabis and quarterly psychedelics pretty damned well, but I'm on my own in respect to the latter these days. Besides dying, the few old-timers left in my orbit have scaled back smoking weed to preserve their lungs and won't use edibles/extracts etc. because it mongs them out too much for too long. Mention a few grams of shrooms and they aren't keen at all anymore. Acid, mescaline and molly the same. My partner (same age) has recently signalled she won't come tripping with me anymore for various reasons, which I'm completely down with, btw.
So here I am. I make no secret of taking these substances recreationally for the sheer pleasure and spectacle of it all and don't feel the slightest bit inclined to stop just because I'm getting-on in years. At the same time, I'm becoming more aware of how isolated I'm becoming taking 6-8 hours solo out of a calendar-day experiencing a blast I can't share or discuss with much enthusiasm.
Life otherwise goes on and we deal with the day-to-day of it all, but that feeling of breaking through and going where straight people don't is a treat I enjoy 3 or 4 times a year and probably need to keep me centred. I don't want that kernel of 'regret' to fester in my subconscious and ambush me somewhere down the line, but I feel like the rot is setting in. I've only had one negative experience involving way too much shroom which took some effort to ride-out, but it also taught me how much negative ideas or worries, even small ones, can be amplified and really fuck-up a good time.
I'm just about due another journey and have plenty enough shrooms to go anytime, but I can't shake the idea that I'm being greedy blocking out time to travel to the exclusion of everything else. I know my partner gets a bit concerned and feels excluded to a degree, but she would never say as much. So, there it is. Are there any other hold-outs facing the same dilemma? Do I have to finally grow-up like my kids keep saying and fade my 50 years of counter-life to black?

You know what love fast die young is a dumb fucking mantra. It should say live fast for as long as you possibly can. Stretch that shit for as long as you can. I'm 36 still living the life. Going hard doing wtf I want. Happy. So it's doable. I feel sorry for my friends who died young. They missed out.

So, I got a text from my half-sister saying that our "dad" died. I wrote, "You mean your dad?" We always called him Tony, but never dad. She wrote, "Our bio dad Tony." She came across as if she was really sad and I'm like wtf? He had 4 of us, all by different moms and he never did a damn thing for any one of us, never mind child support. So why are my half-siblings acting as if they lost their best friend? He never did jack shit. I mean, he did agree to meet with me in 1996 for which I'm grateful because I had questions that only he could answer. All of us were raised by stepfathers or were adopted and even though some of them were bad dads, they were still our dads not Tony. My sis posted on Facebook acting like she had a relationship with him. I didn't say anything, but again thought WTF? I wish him no ill will, but I don't get why my half-siblings are making such a fuss. One of my half-brothers is rich and famous and like me doesn't think much of Tony and refused to meet him. Tony tried to meet him by showing up at a coffee shop he knew he frequented, but my half-brother told him to keep on walking.

Been two days since I last vaped it feels freeing and relieving. I still feel somewhat depressed and unmotivated and uninspired without it but I do have 2mg lozenges so won't be going cold turkey as planned anytime soon but my levels must be far lower than when I was vaping incessantly I hardly want to use a lozenge more than once an hour every couple even still on the first one from last night

Won't report back on this unless I start vaping or finally ween myself off for at least a couple weeks

Symptoms seem ignorable today yesterday bad mood swings and temper it's nothing but a walk in the park with all these other buzzes going perhaps lol vaping cannabis, drinking kratom, couple other light ones my goodness haha

I gotta get away from disposable vapes. It causes more pain than enjoyment at this point. I got a 2.4% pod a little while ago dropping by half from the previous levels going to try to go cold turkey when it dies.

Pot and alcohol sedate me so when I use them I also go in for a disposable vape.

This is getting to be torture though and I feel like I am being used by it.

I feel so much lighter, at ease, and vigorous when I am off the stuff.

Report back when getting ready to pull the plug this is but a festering pestering nasty facet of a long and complicated process halting a life destroying poly substance problem.

can someone tell me if mt posts are public

So I missed the first six years of the site and I used to feel somewhat left behind by that. Funny in retrospect I now find myself one of the oldest active users. I got my crew tag which is very cool. People check on me when I leave for awhile thank you herbivore. I feel the love. I even had sebastiansghost write me a very lovely pm when I turned in my mod stick. That was cool. I've met some really great people over my two decades here. Seen some wild stuff. From .nu to .ru to .org. lost a few friends along the way I still feel the hole in my life. I have been able to practice what I preach in my real world life I tapered my now fiance off alcohol based on what I learned here. I owe this site a debt of gratitude I don't think I would of made it to 34 without it's influence. So here is too the future I don't know what it holds but I look at the new mods continuing our old traditions and that is really cool. Just remember "you can always take more but you can't ever take less"

YO AHHH THIS SHIT STILL LIVE!?! WASSUUPP BLUELIGHTT!!

btw....what tf did this used to be called? didnt it have some different name than blogs back in the day? i swear it was something else and we all used to write here and share our crazy stories and doped up poetry...

i miss posting here. been a long time. HELLOOO FROM JERSEY XOXO

But 1st, What Is THE_MATRIX?

The Matrix Is What We Live In. It Is All Around Us. It Is A Supercomputer Generated, Digital Dream Made Necessary By The Nuclear Fiasco.

Now, As For METH:

Most People Are Simply Sleep Walking (or already dead, I'm really not sure), but a healthy methamphetamine habit is the KEY to unplugging oneself from the matrix and waking up.

Unfortunately, from what I understand commercial ICE methamphetamine is now so cut (or something) that it doesn't even keep one awake for even 24 hours. That's a shame, but I already did enough over 25 years to wake up.

Yes, but what about L.O.V.E?

That would be filed under MDMA, but I can't even get good MDMA anymore.

After 3 months of being in purgotory i awake. I have just been realeased from solitary confinment and about the last thing i remember is pissing on a security guard. Im in a room with about 5 other people 2 of which are smoking out the window. I get out of bed and this guy with a thick african french accent greets me. He knows my name. Do you wanna smoke a joint with me he says? Well fuck you don't have to ask me twice. He has some northern lights haze which is fucking excellent. He doesnt know how to roll a joint so i roll it. I learn he is from Rwanda and that his parents fled the genocide. Atleast i have a interesting roomate.

I try and think back to what exactly led up to this moment. I remember being thrown in solitary about 5 or 6 times for fighting with security but thats about it. How can i not remember 3 months of my life? It's fucked. I was completely unmedicated for 3 months up until today. No morphine no clonazepam and no anti-psychotics. Not even lopermimide for wd ffs. My doctor is a sadist. LOn learn she is withholding morphine from another patient as well. Thankfully after flipping out and gettimng into a fight yesterday my brother got me another shrink so im atleast on a anti-psychotic now.

I light up the joint and damn does it feel good. I don't think i smoked much weed when i thought i was dead. Oh well atleast im not dopesick anymore and the benzo wd's are gone. We finish ther joint and just as we are about to go out a nurse walks in without even fucking knocking. How rude i say I smell weed she says. I just walk out and we say we dont know what your talking about. we dicide to order pizza and thank fuck for outside food. I seem to have also have put on quite abit of weight which is distrubing but i can live with that

All there is to do is watch tv. My computer broke before i came in here and i don't have a smartphone so i have nothing to do. they should have a playstation here ffs for somethying to do. bedtime is at 10 but they check in on you with a flashlight every hour so sleep is not really a option. I miss freedom. I miss being able to smoke a joint or a cig in peace,. I miss being able to drink a beer in the middle of the night. I also miss my cat and my gf. One fucked up thing that happens is a few days after i came to i am watching tv and this young chick comes over and grabs me by the dick. It is right in front of everyone but thankfully no nurse is present. Wtf? i say. I quickly get her hand the fuck out of my pants cause this is hardly the time or the place. Goddamn she could have atleast have asked me to go in the bathroom.

Besides that it'd basically wake up at 8, eat breakfast, eat dinner ast noon, eat supper at 5, snack time at 9, then bedtime at 10. In between that it's smoke cigs, smoke weed, order food and run up to the shop if you have privlages to kill the boredom. Im not allowed out yet though which is fucked. My fellow patients all seem cool. One guy knows a guy from my town and constantly talks about when you could get real coke back in the 80's. Talking to the shrink doesent happen often and when it does it'd like talking to someone in another language. We don't seee eye to eye or like each other at all. She's a bitrxh and seems to not like the fact that i know anything about drugs and talksd down to me. My brotheer also hates her.

besides that there is not alot to tell. Sadly i can't remember the first 3 months of my stay really so i can't write about that. If anyone who reads this has ever had cotards syndrome please hot me up. It's a very rare disorder.

Jj was my oldest friend. No matter how much time and distance passed between us our reunions never felt awkward. I used him as an anchor to my past as i lurched forward toward becoming an Andrew who's skin i felt at home in. I can not believe your gone at 34. A car accident. My anchor cut. Fuck.

Death. I think its the suddeness of the vanishing act that really trips me out. Over. Done. Gone. Three days later a viewing then the next morning grave side service followed by lunch then most everyone forgets you existed. 5 msybe 10 people at most are left standing around dazed but thats it really. Final. Check the box score err i mean facebook tribute page for the final thoughts.


No more memories to be made. Im just left wondering wtf happened. 70 mph into a tree on a 4 lane interstate at noon with no brake marks no slide and very little deceleration. Like i can only draw the obvious conclusion which is you did that shit on purpose. Why? You could of called me. I mean fuck i could have helped. You always saved my ass i wish you wpuld havr let me try.
Honestly i wasnt shocked i thought you sounded down when we talked the last few times. You seemed to be stuck in the gravity well of the black hole of "adult respondibility". Our family has a toxic set of expectations that they managed to trick you into believing. That vanilla is the only flavor adults eat as if a paint by numbers is on the same level as a bansky.

Lies. destructive Lies. You where always the perfect one. You where praised for embracing vanilla as the only flavor. You bought into the hype of a middle class existence as if hell wasnt the only outcome. You played by the rules. You graduated college. Got a job. Bought a house. Married a vanilla girl who gave you a kid. Never even considering that vanilla is a lie. Happiness was not around the next corner. Until i guess one day you had that awful realization. Trapped. Andrew wasnt a liar. They lied. Now jj you cant be andrew but you sure as fuck were not vanilla at heart. You repressed that "irresponsible indulgence of youth". Deeper into the desolate tastless world of work and mortages and weekends. Hell.

So you lost. You traded your youth for stability but ended up dead in your used car. Like i told you differed pleasure is life wasted. I guess you got screwed. Sorry bro

Endocarditis an infection of one or more valves of the heart. It is incredibly lethal in the short and medium term in IV drug users. some studies estimate a 5 year cumulative mortality rate nearing 100 percent in this population. With the caveat that we are a difficult population to study. It's a disease of non sterile use. All those stories of shooting up out of midpuddles and shit are straight up survivorship bias. The ones who got sick don't live to tell the tale mostly. The easiest way to prevent it is using sterile technique ruthlessly. Surgical mask over mouth and nose after washing hands with soap then alcohol. Wiping the surface around the cooker with alcohol then the cooker itself. Use a sterile cotton or better a micron filter to draw up. Then wipe the injection site with an alcohol wipe. Do this before every single injection not just the very first one. Once the shot is drawn up put the cooker somewhere that dust and spit won't fly in it from people talking or moving around. I use the microwave. If it'll be more then 4 hours between shots cover the cooker with saran wrap and put it in the fridge.

You must be more steril as your using career progresses. Heart valves are slick at birth. Iv drugs introduce microscopic particles that hit the valves and make the surface rough and allow bacteria to latch on in the holes. The instability of blood around the valve inhibits your immune system from properly responding as well as antibiotics from working as intended.

This is a little talked about complication that is fucking scary. My gf had it and should be dead. Her fiance is dead from it. She will need lifelong care and is only alive by our ruthless application of sterile practice since we began iv drugs again

Secondary to cerebral palsy, I have a dislocated hip that sometimes creates a legitimate need for strong pain control and I was prescribed Percocet ( first Vicodin) for it.

However, somewhere along the way, I started to run out early and going into withdrawal. The first time wasn’t bad. It was like having a cold.

They do say that every addict gets one easy-out pass, I have been blessed to get a second one and actually use it this time! How that happened and a lot of the in between stuff is this story!

I had been a born again Christian for something like 15 years and I was in evangelical seminary studying in be a missionary when the trouble started with running out of my medicine early. For the life of me, I can’t figure out why I started taking more than I was prescribed in a day ( even back then I didn’t know why I started doing that but I did and it lead to withdrawal like I said.

The first time was manageable without telling anyone. The second time was also although the people closest to me thought it was strange that I would get the flu so soon after having a cold the previous month.

The third time I ended up in the hospital because of it, they assumed I had an infection and I just let them think it. They threw antibiotics at it like crazy but of course they never figured out what was going on.

In the middle somewhere, I learned about loperamide and figured I could use it to taper myself off opiates and yes I think that it likely does work for some people, but it didn’t for me. In fact I’m pretty sure that the mix of high dose loperamide and grapefruit juice damaged my liver but thankfully not quite at a level that would show up on lab work.

It still made me miserable. My feet swelled up and I couldn’t sleep which is the very first sign of brain damage from the buildup of toxins that your liver should be breaking down The technical term is hepatic encephalopathy: at the beginning you can’t sleep and at the end you don’t wake up)

In cases of serious liver problems, they treat these brain issues by giving the person strong laxatives to clear out the toxins and have them avoid animal proteins that create the toxins. So when I inadvertently took too much of a natural supplement called L-glutathione ( also an antidote for Tylenol poisoning in huge amounts) and I got severe diarrhea that landed me back in the hospital with “ stomach flu” I was amazed to hear that I had slept for 6 hours in the ER after not being able to sleep for a few weeks. I think that just confirms my suspicions about the liver damage because why else would something that caused diarrhea just happen to fix my sleep issues?

After the loperamide and grapefruit juice ( loperamide didn’t seem to have any adverse effect until the one night I mixed it with a few liters of grapefruit juice) my feet started swelling up any time I took Tylenol or anything else with a liver warning on the package and they still do.

By the way, doctors think that glutathione is not bio-available that is that it doesn’t impact the body, if it’s taken orally. From experience I can say that in the form of Glutathione it doesn’t but the form of the organic molecule known as L glutathione definitely does! Although after my very first experiment with taking a huge amount ( thinking that if it’s natural you can’t take to much) and after taking so much of it even afterwards but in frequent, smaller quantities, while trying to deal with swelling caused by the Tylenol in my prescription it doesn’t help nearly as much as it used to be it still helps somewhat with constipation.

My doctor gave me prednisone to help with my swollen feet and it’s still the only thing that consistently works for it. I have heard that prednisone is used for treating liver problems but I haven’t looked into the details about why it’s works or the Pharmacodynamics and pharmacokinetics ( how the medication acts and moves around inside of a person after they take it: I did mention in a previous post that I have Asperger’s syndrome with a special academic interest in medicine. Thus, I’m not just using words I don’t understand above: I can read medical journals but I did have to google the spelling because I am also dyslexic.

I guess I should say that I can understand medical journals but it helps a lot if someone or a screen reader is doing the actual reading. I once had a major argument with the guy who was working at my university’s tutoring program as the biology tutor. He kept telling me that he would not be able to help me with a medical journal article that wasn’t formatted in such a way that my computer program could read it aloud because he didn’t understand it. I told him that as long as he could read it, it would be fine and I could likely explain it to him ( and in part I did).

However I digress, so as I was saying, the loperamide and too much Tylenol likely caused sub-clinical liver problems that I am still dealing with and there is indirect evidence in my story to support this hypothesis

When I went to the ER about gall bladder problems I was really mostly bothered by withdrawal again. Yes I had gall stones but I knew about them long before and they weren’t really bothering me at the time. So, yes I’m saying that withdrawal lead to surgery indirectly but evidently the gall stones were like the most my doctor had ever seen anyone have( the surgeon told me as much). So, who knows? I probably would’ve had to have surgery eventually anyway.

wow, this is turning into the full unedited confession version of this story I think that this is what Celebrate Recovery calls doing a fourth step ( by the way guys, if anyone in my CR group reads this… if I ever do a step study, I will probably just refer the appropriate person to this material when it comes to step four… no reason to recreate the wheel as it were)

So yeah it was sometime after the surgery that I discovered Kratom and The Lord Jesus told me in a dream to switch exclusively to Kratom for my chronic pain issues and only use opiates for any short term issues that might arise.

Shortly thereafter, an actual run in with the stomach flu ( and the inability to eat that it caused) led to one of the worst migraines I have ever had. I went to the ER and I was silently praying for very strong pain medicine and I distinctly heard the Lord say “is 2 mg of IV hydromorphine enough?”

I laughed silently and replied,” yes anymore and I would likely be joining you tonight… which I would be okay with…so it’s up to you…but yes that’s great for dealing with this headache thanks”

Two was exactly how much they gave me too which confirmed that I heard the Lord. Moreover, the whole experience showed me that he was and is fine with me taking pain medication for short term use, when I really need it.

Despite the dream, I was afraid of what my doctor would think and say if I stopped taking my prescription so I continued to take in and switch to kratom to avoid withdrawal.

I was warned by a prophet years before that free of human opinion would significantly hinder my relationship with God if I didn’t deal with it. At the time though I didn’t see that attribute in myself and I wouldn’t have known how to deal with it if it had walked up and introduced itself ( which I guess having a prophet tell you about something like should be even more dramatic than an introduction but as they say hindsight is 20/20.)

All I can say is that prophetic word was spot on! I had a second dream, a much scarier one in which the Lord basically said that I had to make a choice was he in charge or was I? I very honestly said that I needed healing from the addiction and Jesus said Okay.

For about 2 years after, that I did switch to just kratom. I also did online classes on the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy approach to addiction. And for a while I met with a therapist too. For a while things seemed to be going very well.

Then I unfortunately got some kratom that must have been contaminated with something because it made my feet swell up exponentially!

And after that they were infected and dripping fluid on the floor. I soon found myself in the hospital with the infection. Honestly I don’t know if the infection was somehow connected with the contaminated kratom ( it’s hard to envision the connection because although my feet swelled no open sores developed… at least not the first time, liquid and clear liquid at that just seemed to drip from my pores.

The swelling made it nearly impossible to transfer from my wheelchair. Therefore after I got home from the hospital, I was spending nearly 24/7 in my chair. That combined with the fact that swollen skin is more likely to break down meant that I eventually did get pressure sores on my feet from the footrests.

Then they really got infected: warning: gross medical picture to follow…. I’ll scroll a little in case anyone would prefer not to see, but, at one point the open area was literally green and it was taking baby diapers on top of the dressing to keep my leg and foot from leaving huge puddles on the floor:

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the scrolling is something I learned to do when interacting with other people who have dissociative disorders by the way… So like I said * May Trigger* : medical content:


So I was more or less ( and probably more) living out Isaiah 1:5-6:

Why bother even trying to do anything with you

when you just keep to your bullheaded ways?

You keep beating your heads against brick walls.

Everything within you protests against you.

From the bottom of your feet to the top of your head,

nothing’s working right.

Wounds and bruises and running sores— MSG
I honestly wasn’t just trying to be stubborn, though. I felt trapped in the addiction. I wanted to follow the Lord but again I was held captive by fear- this time it was fear of withdrawal.

Nonetheless, anyone who thinks that the idea that sin leads to death is either academic or entirely spiritual is mistaken. No I didn’t die but death is a process many times and sometimes it’s a slow gradual one… I was definitely heading that direction

I see the situation In Isaiah as relating to me because somewhere along the way I started switching between the Percocet and kratom again

That was before my leg looked like that picture and my regression didn’t last long because my insurance changed and that necessitated the need to switch primary care providers. After the switch I couldn’t get Percocet anymore.

Before my legs got as bad as the picture, my mom was pushing me to see specialists about the swelling in my feet even though I told her I knew what was going on and I also knew that since the underlying problem didn’t hit clinical markers that would register as abnormal on labs no one else would ever figure it out.

I kept saying that the Lord said he would heal me but physical stuff like my feet would be last because from God’s perspective Spiritual things triage first ( they are first priority issues), emotional issues seem to be the second priority and physical stuff comes last!

Yes there is at least one biblical account that seems to support the idea that Jesus works by triage and spiritual issues come first: In Luke Jesus heals a paralyzed man who was lowered through the roof of a house on a mat. However, his physical healing came after his spiritual issues were addressed:

Luke 5:18-26 MSG:

18-20 Some men arrived carrying a paraplegic on a stretcher. They were looking for a way to get into the house and set him before Jesus. When they couldn’t find a way in because of the crowd, they went up on the roof, removed some tiles, and let him down in the middle of everyone, right in front of Jesus. Impressed by their bold belief, he said, “Friend, I forgive your sins.”

21 That set the religion scholars and Pharisees buzzing. “Who does he think he is? That’s blasphemous talk! God and only God can forgive sins.”

22-26 Jesus knew exactly what they were thinking and said, “Why all this gossipy whispering? Which is simpler: to say ‘I forgive your sins,’ or to say ‘Get up and start walking’? Well, just so it’s clear that I’m the Son of Man and authorized to do either, or both. . . .” He now spoke directly to the paraplegic: “Get up. Take your bedroll and go home.” Without a moment’s hesitation, he did it—got up, took his blanket, and left for home, giving glory to God all the way.
I first realized the connection between the above passage and triage because of Bill Williams book, Naked Before God:the return of a broken disciple.

So, yeah I knew I heard Jesus say Okay when I said I needed healing and I knew he was the Great Physician and I could trust him to do it in the right order! If anyone knows the importance of triaging and handling injuries in the right order, it’s Him! My family was harder to convince though and for my part, I had no idea how much spiritual stuff there would be to sort out by the end of things, nor did I know how much time it would take!

Needless to say with my leg looking like the picture above, I ended up in the hospital again and I was in and out of hospitals and even nursing homes ( since I was in the hospital a long time and lost a lot of strength the drs thought that I would not be able to deal with things at home: they were at least right in thinking I would need a lot of extra help because I was completely unable to move myself from my wheelchair to the toilet, shower or my bed!

I eventually signed myself out of the last nursing home ( when the Lord told me it was okay to do so). However, even though I had His permission to go home I had no idea how I would manage at home.

He quickly brought some great freelance caregivers into my life whom my mom still pays, but when I left the nursing home it was a step of faith and the staff there thought I was crazy to leave so soon and without a plan… from their perspective I didn’t have a plan but my plan was stepping out and trusting the Lord to provide even though I didn’t know what it would look like.

So, the Lord supplied the help I needed and some much needed friendship ( part of emotional healing… Asperger’s makes it incredibly difficult to connect with friends. Moreover, some of these friends started helping me work through emotional trauma from my childhood: even if they might not have been aware of it.

Nonetheless, I was still stuck with fear of withdrawal even though kratom was managing it. And physically I was still a mess and in and out of the hospital a lot for leg infections.

Then, in October of last year, I got a stomach infection that was legitimately quite painful. Nothing would stay down and I ended up in the hospital, on strong pain medication, antibiotics and NPO ( nothing prescribed orally. It meant that all of my nutrition was supplied in huge IV bags ( called TPN: Total Parenteral nutrition).

When I got home from that I was even more afraid of withdrawal because the withdrawals from pain medicine are usually much worse than withdrawal from Kratom.

Thus, I stupidly got myself of Suboxone (drug treatment program) without asking the Lord about it first… I’m not saying suboxone is always a bad choice… I don’t know… it might be part of God’s plan of recovery for some people but it definitely wasn’t a good idea to just decide to do it without asking Him first.

Remember that mess of spiritual issues I mentioned? If I had spiritual problems before I really started to have them after starting suboxone.

I started having trouble praying because of spiritual warfare ( the enemy interrupting my prayers with their garbage thoughts). I didn’t realize that when you get addicted to something, it’s like you give the dark side an “ in” and they at least think they then have a right to mess with you .

Sometime: before the Lord showed me that I had lost my first love and he specifically used me verse in Revelation to talk to me about. The part about doing the first works again is why I will be repeating my baptism as soon as my latest scabs finish falling off my legs.

There’s some debate about what the “ first works” refers to but evidently quite a few people think it could mean baptism and the Holy Spirit hasn’t said I am wrong in thinking that is what He wants me to do.

When he said that I had lost my first love my automatic response was “ Wow that’s a heck of a diagnosis and he replied that we would get through it together.

Still, I didn’t drop the suboxone as soon as he said I should ( still terrified of withdrawals and most people will attest to the fact that Suboxone withdrawals make Vicodin withdrawals look like an enjoyable spring picnic).

So I was unwittingly and inadvertently digging the hole deeper as far as addiction was concerned. And that’s when the spiritual warfare got to be a serious hot mess!

If you know much about the culture of the United States Marines, you’ll understand what it means when someone who considers themselves a Marine’s kid ( nicknamed “ devil pup” since Marines have been called Devil Dogs since the battle of Belle wood).

The trouble praying got intense enough that I started writing prayer out in a journal like letters that don’t have to be mailed.

The spiritual enemies of our souls still tried to keep me from doing it. That was evident in that I would not feel tired at all and yet still to drift off with the pen in my hand!

At one point the enemy had my convinced that I committed the unforgivable sin because of the thoughts they ( demons) put in my head.

So, I started doing major research on what exactly blasphemy of the Holy Spirit really is, as well as what to do if you think you have gone over that event horizon!

After I saw a video by pastor Tim Conway of I'll Be Honest | Christian Videos | illbehonest.com I pressed in harder into seeking Christ. ( I plan to do a separate post on what that looked like logically to help other returning prodigals but everyone should realize it’s more about your heart than about some How-to formula).

I will briefly say that I sought out people who have the spiritual gift of prophecy and took their counsel seriously. And it’s important to say that I never told them much about what I was going through because I found that whenever I told anyone or tried to they would pull out their box of doctrinal band aides which only left me feeling like they weren’t really listening even though they were well intended and at least some of what some of the people I tried to talk to said in response to me was in fact correct.

The first breakthrough came when I got restored to ministry in a way that strikingly paralleled Peter’s experience.

In the midst of the thought battles I was having a major pity party and said something really stupid ( No, you don’t need to know what I said, just that I said it twice, outloud with no one else in earshot.

I felt horrible about it, and the next day as I was praying about it ( in my journal still) and reading the word, I had a vision, saw Jesus and ended up apologizing twice!

If you know the scriptures well, the parallels between my experience and Peter’s restoration to ministry will be immediately apparent. If not, the account is in John 21:15-25 basically Peter said something stupid that he didn’t mean, three times in the course of a night and he later ended up apologizing three times to Jesus for it.

I was still seeking out prophetic ministry pretty regularly and it wasn’t long afterwards that one of the people who was ministering to me said they saw Jesus tying up a demon and dragging it out of my living space.

From there prayer got easier and someone else ( also a prophet) told me just to focus on spending time with Jesus and letting him show me his love.

I did exactly what my friend said and soon began to physically feel like I was being hugged and held. I also got into reading the scriptures more and soon came across Isaiah 30:15-17.

As someone who has a partial child alter, who is or was looking for a keeper ( caregiver) the idea that I was allowed to just settle into complete dependency on Him was a major revelation. It was like “ you mean I can just be in kid headspace and let you be keeper?!

I eventually got this prophetic word from one of the ministries I approached.

Hello! This is Russ Walden responding to your prophetic request. — The Father says I’m going to get pushy in your life. I’m going to push down the altars of the idols that have demanded your worship and I’m going to push out the enemy that has encroached upon your territory. I say to you that you don’t have to keep asking Me about that anymore. You’ve asked, and you’ve pleaded, and you’ve begged and cajoled. You are about to see the response of Heaven to your anguished cry! I HAVE in FACT heard your cry says the Father. I have heard your cry and I am going to display My glory in your life to such a degree that the clouds of darkness and confusion will be BURNED away by the brightness of My coming. I am coming says the Father. I am coming into the earth, yes but I am coming into your situation. I say to you I am coming to show My power and show My glory and manifest My substance! The angel of My glory is stepping out into your situation and says “Enough!” He is declaring My declaration says the Father, “No More!” Can you feel it? Can you sense My hand descending on your life? Get ready, says the Father. Get ready for the joy that usurps, mourning that rejoicing that will redefine the hopes that you have hoped for in your life.
It wasn’t long after that that the addiction broke. I started tapering off the suboxone but the idea of jumping completely off still scared me. Jesus basically had to wrestle the stuff out of my hand ( remove the mental desire for it).

Most people don’t stop taking suboxone until they are down to at least 1/8 of a milligram and they still have a week or so of withdrawal that kratom won’t even touch.

I stopped when I was still taking 8 times that much and the freezing and sneezing started like 4 days later.

The first day I was really tempted to start taking it again but I prayed about it and I fell asleep and woke up later and the withdrawals were shut off.

They came back somewhat the next day but,it was psychologically easier to deal with and the temptation was not as bad.

I was waiting for a package of kratom I had ordered online ( it was taking ages to arrive) and about a week later when the withdrawal was really miserable, I discovered that a store about a block from my house had Kratom… anyone who takes kratom will appreciate just how rare that is… you can usually only find kratom online and if you do find a store with it it’s very low quality and potentially unsafe ( because other chemicals may have been added to it, Kratom by itself is very safe).

So, it was definitely the Lord’s provision that I have a store so close to me that sells kratom and it turned out to be very high quality too!

Amazingly I found that I only needed half the dose of Kratom compared to what I was taking before my wandering off into suboxone treatment. Most people have to increase their Kratom dose after being on suboxone for a few months ( I was on it for about 8 months and started at 6 mg a day)

Soon after that my legs and feet got significantly closer to their normal size and I regained the ability to transfer from my chair to my bed.

Furthermore, I found that prednisone started working again to help with the swelling ( I had gotten Covid-19 in one of the nursing homes… 3 times… and I was on prednisone for quite a while to help mitigate the symptoms of that. So, once I was tapered off it didn’t really work for a while and I had side effect that one doesn’t get from short term prednisone use and those are gone now too).

Yes, I’m still dealing with a skin infection on my legs but I’m am pretty sure Jesus told my what it is and I’m on the correct antibiotics for it, finally It’s not the first time He has shown me what protocol to use from medical journals. In fact, my mom keeps bugging me to find a new primary doctor and I’m just about to the point of telling her that I already have the best one… lol!

Although I still have a dressing on my left leg, I have scabs that are healing very well and nothing is draining! The dressing pads stay dry!

When I was on prednisone for so long to deal with Covid I gained a lot of weight ( one of the side effects I mentioned above) and I have lost that now, I am back to my normal weight or very close to it. In fact I had to buy a bunch of new clothes!

The changes in my health and abilities has been so fast and dramatic that one of my care aides actually asked what I was doing and if she would be able to replicate it… lol I’m not doing anything. I gave Jesus my unconditional “ yes” and Jehova Rafa has done everything as far as healing me.

What I mentioned above about telling my mom that Jesus is my primary M.D. brings up the other thing I have been healed from: fear of what others think! The issue, just isn’t an issue now… I would have been terrified to write something like this, especially on the internet before now!

So, I have been healed from that and I have discovered my calling, but I talked about that in my introduction post!

Here’s the latest picture of my feet by the way…



And those are from a few weeks ago. They look better than that now.

If pictures are worth a thousand words then those before and after pictures say everything. Jesus is the Great physician.

The Bible never says that God helps those who help themselves. In fact it says that Salvation depends on stopping efforts to save one’s self:

Isaiah 30:15-17The Message

17 God, the Master, The Holy of Israel,

has this solemn counsel:

“Your salvation requires you to turn back to me

and stop your silly efforts to save yourselves.

Your strength will come from settling down

in complete dependence on me.

It also says that all who ask for help get help:

Romans 10:13-17 "Everyone who calls, 'Help, God!' gets help."
All I can say to anyone wondering how to get their version of this break through is Come to Christ and settle down into complete dependence on him

Not to default on @Nurse Ratched @n3ophy7e @MsDiz
You can't keep users here because you don't have a least favorite MOD thread.
There is petty tyrants. and there is deep tyranny.

Theoria philosophiae hermeticae https://wellcomecollection.org/works/c87kw9k7/items?canvas=43

Theatrum Chemicum - https://books.google.com/books?id=3...ce=gbs_ge_summary_r&cad=0#v=onepage&q&f=false

Zosimos

The first vision occurs at the beginning - Zosimos introduces his treatise with some general remarks on the processes of nature and, in particular, on the “composition of the waters” (Thesis udaton) and various other operations, and closes with the words: “and upon this simple system of many colours is based the manifold and infinitely varied investigation of all things.”

"And as I spoke thus I fell asleep, and I saw a sacrificer standing before me, high upon an altar in the shape of a bowl. There were fifteen steps leading up to the altar. The priest stood there, and I heard a voice from above saying “I have performed the act of descending the fifteen steps into the darkness, and the ascending of the steps into the light. And he who renews me is the sacrificer, by casting away the grossness of the body; and by compelling necessity I am sanctified as a priest and now stand in perfection as a spirit.” I inquired of him who he was and he answered me in a fine voice, saying “I am Ion, priest of the inner sanctuaries, and I submit myself to an unendurable torment. For there came one in haste at early morning, who overpowered me, and pierced me through with the sword, and dismembered me in accordance with the rule of harmony. And he drew off the skin of my head with the sword, which he wielded with strength, and mingled the bones with the pieces of flesh, and caused them to be burned upon the fire of the arttill I perceived by the transformation of the body that I had become spirit.” And even as he spoke thus, and I held him by force to converse with me, his eyes became as blood. And he spewed forth all his own flesh. And I saw how he changed into the opposite of himself- into a mutilated anthroparion, and he tore his flesh with his own teeth, and sank into himself.

Full of fear I thought to myself “Is not this the composition of the waters?” I saw the same bowl-shaped altar, and on the upper part- boiling water, and a numberless multitude of people in it, but there was no one near the altar whom I could question. Then I went up to the altar and I perceived the anthroparion - a barber grown grey with age who said to me: “What are you looking at?” I replied that I was astonished to see the seething of the water, and the men burning and yet alive. He answered, “The sight that you see is the entrance, and the exit, and the transformation.” I asked him “What transformation?” and he answered “This is the place of the operation called embalming. Those who seek to obtain the art enter here, and become spirits by escaping from the body.” Then I said “Are you a spirit?” And he answered "Yes, a spirit and a guardian of spirits.” As we spoke, while the boiling continued and the people uttered distressful cries, I saw a brazen man holding a leaden tablet in his hand. He spoke with a loud voice, looking upon the tablet, “I command all those who are undergoing the punishment to be calm, to take each of them a leaden tablet, to write with their own hand and to keep their eyes upraised in the air and their mouths open until their uvula swells.” The deed followed the word, and the master of the house said to me “You have beheld, you have stretched your neck upward and have seen what is done.” I replied that I had seen, and he continued: “This brazen man whom you see is the priest who sacrifices and is sacrificed (Sotor), and spews forth his own flesh. Power is given him over this water and over the people who are punished.”

At last I was overcome with the desire to mount the seven steps and to see the seven punishments, and, as was suitable, in a single day. So I went back in order to complete the ascent. Passing it several times, I finally came upon the path. But as I was about to ascend, I lost my way again. Greatly discouraged, and not seeing in which direction I should go, I fell asleep, and while I was sleeping, I saw an anthroparion, a barber clad in a robe of royal purple, who stood outside the place of punishments. He said “What are you doing?” and I replied “I have stopped here because I have lost my way.” And he said “Follow me.” I turned and followed him and we came near to the place of punishments. I saw my guide, this little barber, enter, and his whole body was consumed by the fire.

I stepped aside trembling with fear, then I awoke, and said to myself “What means this vision?” Again I clarified my understanding, and knew that this barber was the brazen man clad in a purple garment. And I said to my self “It is needful that he must enter the place of punishments.”

My soul desired to mount the third step, so I followed the road alone. When I was near the place of punishments I went astray, and I stopped in despair. Again I saw an old man whitened by years, who had become wholly white, with a blinding whiteness. His name was Agathodaimon. Turning himself about, the old man with white hair gazed upon me for a full hour. And I urged him “Show me the right way.” He did not come towards me, but hastened on his way. But I, running hither and thither, at length came to the altar. And when I stood at the top of the altar, I saw the white-haired old man enter the place of punishments and he was transformed by the flame into a pillar of fire. On account of the violence of the punishment, his eyes filled with blood. I spoke to him, and asked “Why are you stretched out there?” But he could barely open his mouth, and groaned “I am the leaden man, and I submit myself to an unendurable torment.” Seized with great fear, I awoke and sought within myself the reason for what I had seen. I said to myself - The lead (pain) is to be rejected, and in truth the vision refers to the composition of the liquids.

I beheld the divine and holy bowl-shaped altar, and saw a priest clothed in a white robe reaching to his feet, who was celebrating these terrible mysteries. I said: “Who is this?” And the answer came: “This is the priest of the inner sanctuaries. It is he who changes the bodies into blood, makes the eyes clairvoyant, and raises the dead." Then, falling again to earth, I fell asleep. And as I was ascending the fourth step, I saw to the east one approaching holding a sword in his hand. And another came behind him, bringing one adorned round about with signs, clad in white and comely to see, who was named the Meridian of the Sun. And as they drew near to the place of punishments, he who held the sword in his hand said “Cut off his head, immolate his body, and cut his flesh into pieces, that it may first be boiled according to the method, and then delivered to the place of punishments.” Thereupon I said "This concerns the liquids in the art of the metals.” And he who bore the sword in his hand said “You have completed the descent of the seven steps.” And the other answered, as he caused the waters to gush forth from all the moist places “The procedure is completed.”

I saw an altar which was in the shape of a bowl, and a fiery spirit stood upon the altar, and tended the fire for the seething and the boiling and the burning of the men who rose up from it. And I inquired about the people who stood there, and I said: “I see with astonishment the seething and the boiling of the water, and the men burning and yet alive” And he answered me, saying: “This boiling that you see is the place of the operation
called embalming. Those who seek to obtain the art enter here, and they cast their bodies from them and become spirits. The practice of the art is explained by this procedure; for whatever casts off the grossness of the body becomes spirit.”

In short, my friend, build a temple from a single stone, like to white lead, to alabaster, to Proconnesian marble, with neither end nor beginning in its construction. Let it have within it a spring of the purest water, sparkling like the sun. Note on what side the entrance to the temple is, and take a sword in your hand, then seek the entrance, for narrow is the place where the opening is. A dragon lies at the entrance, guarding it. Lay hold upon him and immolate him. Strip him of his skin, and take his flesh and bones to separate the limbs. Laying the flesh of the limbs together with the bones at the entrance of the temple, make a step. Mount thereon and enter - you will find what you seek. The priest, the brazen man, whom you see seated in the spring and composing the substance, has changed his color and has become the silver man. If you will, you will soon perceive him as a golden man.

I said to myself “What is the cause of this vision? Is not that boiling white and yellow water the divine water?” And I found that I had well understood. “Beautiful it is to speak and beautiful to hear. Beautiful to give and beautiful to receive. Beautiful to be poor and beautiful to be rich. How does nature teach giving and receiving? The brazen man gives and the hydrolith receives. The metal gives and the plant receives. The stars give and the flowers receive. The heavens give and the earth receives. The thunder claps give forth darting fire.

All things are woven together and all things are undone again. All things are mingled together and all things combine. All things unite and all things separate. All things are moistened and all things are dried. All things flourish and all things fade in the bowl of the altar, for each thing comes to pass with method and in fixed measure and by exact weighing of the four elements.

The weaving together of all things and the undoing of all things and the whole fabric of things cannot come to pass without this method. It is a natural one, preserving due order in its inhaling and its exhaling. It brings increase and it brings decrease. Through the harmonies of separating and combining, all things bring forth nature. For nature applied to nature transforms nature. Such is the order of natural law throughout the whole cosmos, and thus all things hang together.” This is the key which shall open the flower of art, wisdom, reason and understanding.

so this lovely lady is named Kayla. She robbed me for 50 dollars. You should not call her phone a bunch of times

Good morning Bluelight,

I am Walter G. A. Zapruder and I finally started writing the beginnings of what I believe to be an important Manifesto that I feel has the potential to be one of the catalysts that will help bring about the End of the Drug War

I come to this forum in need of pointers, critique, thoughts and any other engagement that will help me formulate and improve my most crucial and potentially the most important thing I have ever produced.

Below this, is what I have written so far, which is a fraction of what will become of the finished Manifesto. Thank you