It’s okay to be gay. The whole spectrum called (in Canada) LGBTQ2S+ is a perfectly fine way to be. I have identified as a gay male for a large part of my life. I knew this to be a fact for sure by my early teenage years, and I was terrified to come out publically until I was 20. Very few knew about my sexuality before then. As I got older, by a series of pivotal points - I had developed the bravery to come out. And I did.
I was fully out as gay by 26. Sagaciously, my family and friends treated me without any spite or hateful attitudes. I have been accepted by my family and friends. My parents being the most important to the process.
I wasn’t too worried about my mom, but I was worried about telling my dad about it. He made some pretty homophobic comments at various points when I was a kid growing up, and toward me as well.
I remember once when I was 13, my dad and I were building a miniramp in our back yard where we lived in Meaford, ON. I was really into skateboarding at the time.,to the point that I would tout the slogans like “Skateboarding is not a crime.” as I was in communities online like skateboardcity.com and I’d once fundraised to repair and improve the Meaford Skatepark.
My dad surprised me one day after taking me to a skate park in Kitchener. He said he wanted us to build a “half pipe” meaning a mini ramp (half pipes are generally huge and go full vertical) for our yard. I went to visit my mom in Ayr for the weekend, and he went to Knights Building Supplies in Meaford to buy the materials. He designed the blueprint, cut the pieces to size, and we started the frame. Once it was finished to a point that I could just follow instructions and assemble it myself I did - sometimes with friends.
Me and my friend Curtis were working on building this mini ramp together. When my dad came out to check on things at some point, he asked me out of the blue, “Are you homosexual?”
I said no.
“Are you homoflexible?”
I said no.
“Well, good! If you were - I’d be worried!”
There were some other things said that were pretty stupid like that, but I didn’t tell my dad I was gay until I was 26 based on this memory alone. I thought that was the end of it for a long time. But I’ve always had a feeling of being displaced to some core level. I didn’t really have a word or concept to put to this for a long time.. I didn’t really care much for the gender identity that I was set by, but that’s not really the issue. I just don’t feel like much of anything on this level.
Transgendered is something I understand, but that’s not in my ego or ID to label myself on. I’ve had dreams of being a woman in the past, but whatever right?I’ve always been a particularly sensitive person, and make friends easily with girls. But.. so? Someone who I was really close friends with one New Year’s Eve asked me if I felt I am a woman in a man’s body, Well.. no.
The answer is a definite no. As a matter of fact, I’ve identified as recently as last fall (in 2021) as being squarely male and proud of it, verbatim in my own words! I have read this off of a fairly recently post I wrote on bluelight.org. But that’s so contradictory and off the mark.
Bluelight is a safe space on the internet for posting on harm reduction for drug use, and a research portal which has contributed to contemporary research in drugs, drug use, people who use drugs, and anything related in all manner of fields. In extension, it has made ripples in drug policy all over the world since Monica Barrett joined Bluelight as the director of its research portal in 2003.
Bluelight had been in operation since 1997. First as part of another site called the MDMA Clearinghouse., Then it split off and became bluelight.ru in 1999, then following up to become bluelight.org in 2015.
I was their social media and communications manager for awhile last year. I’ve been through a lot there, and it’s been a huge part of my personal and professional development since 2020 and the COVID-19 pandemic began. I’ve been heavy into my addictions and my mental health has had better options in stock before this mess began. My own, and the world at large.
The point is, I’ve said a lot of things on Bluelight that are off the mark. It’s a place where I go to vent, to divulge my thoughts and days, to hang out and have a laugh.. or weep while I write out my deepest darkest to a fellow group of (mostly) drug users from all over the world. It’s been a beautiful outlet for me where I’ve found support and validation to my life and it’s very direction in so many ways. But I’m going to redact that post where I’m a proud man. I’m actually having a tough time on that one!
Really. I’m having a really hard time describing how I really feel on the issue. Like many things, over the years and even into the present I can have conflicting feelings which give way to conflicting statements. I think this is normal for most people on their issues, to agendas in life. I do know how I identify though.
Up until the start of 2021, I wasn’t even aware that there are people who identify as genderqueer. People who often use the pronouns ‘they’ and ‘them’ as their identifiers. Amongst others, through my counselor Tim McConnell at Pieces to Pathways in Toronto. Pieces to Pathways is a LGBTQ2S+ youth counseling agency who are in favor of harm reduction as well as abstinence in their addictions counseling.
I am no longer a client of Tims or Pieces to Pathways because I’m past the age range they cover from 16-29 - but it was a wonderful experience, I miss Tim quite a bit.. a lot more than I ever thought I would miss a counseler. Tim would call me each week (or so) but I’m generally so fried (like ALL the time) I would sleep through my phone ringing! Either that, or I’d flat out forget I had an appointment. I missed more than I wished to, and I miss Tim now. I learned so much from this person.
Because of my experiences here and through a lot of deep thought and realization, I realized in October of 2021 that I identify as genderqueer. I am going through anorher process of coming out at the age of 30. This one has been rougher. A lot harder.
I am also changing my name to Joey. It’s a sentimental name to me. Someone who was really important to me who I loved dearly used to call me that. Because I ‘need to be taken care of’. It was a kind, sweet name for him to give me, and I miss him too. So as I’ve decided to change my gender identity, I’ve decided to take on this name too. For good.
It’s been a tough life. I am resilient though and I will manage. I’m still navigating how I want to bring forth my identity into my renewed life. The disrespect I have got from some, since I’ve labelled myself as genderqueer is very real though. That hurts intensely.
The entire spectrum of LGBTQ2S+ needs something from the rest of you. That is to be given a recognition that’s as inclusive to you as any subject in education is known to be. We are actually here, maybe we could get used to it if we were known and spoken well of.
There needs to be a foundation of knowledge to breeding wisdom in any subject as life is - and we are all its subjects. To feel secure in our societies by treating each other with respect. Being treated so might make someone’s day. And not the last one left in hurt. The suicide rate is still sky high here.
What underlies a person’s basic identity should be a simple thing. Things like using someone’s proper pronouns and a name is to be recognized as human beings proud of who we are as a rule we all can stand by. Not a proclamation against whoever’s against our very existence. The most crucial and basic actions that can take someone to feel secure in their own head is to be able to identify themselves without contradiction.
Can you imagine being only rarely, or never called your own name and gender? By the people you love and need the most - who truly need you too in return, but they’re too absorbed in their hot button gender identity politics to respect that? To respect you! Or themselves?
It hurts.
-Joey
Genderqueer
Pronouns He/Him
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. Eventually they had to send a school counciler in the room to keep him in check. She decided to start a game of hangman and i joined in, jokingly puting "you guys are so loud ahhhhh" as my sentance, and the majority of the class thpught it was funny... exept for the kid. He got up to go next, and as he was setting it up the counciler had to step out to deal with a disterbance in another classroom. In this time he decideds to write faggot and tranny over the board with me as the hangman. The sub told him to erase it and sit down and obviously he didnt listen. The counciler comes back in as he is arguing with the sub, and he finnaly erases it. But then replaces it with "kys noah" in huge letters across the board. I snapped at this point and stqrted packing my shit up to walk out, and told him "you will find it fucking halarious when i do cause imma put your name on the fucking note." And he starts laughing and says "ill look forward to it." At this point the counciler removed me from the room and told me to write down everything that happened. They want me to start keeping record of everything he sqys to me from now on.
. Literal Circus Monkeys. I had a good time trolling everyone. Now I get to say my Farewell as a Legend that changed this site lol.
. Oh well. Time to move on to greater things while the circus continues.
