Crazy Train

[lolis my thesis]

Here's my story: I cant think straight but want to put some thoughts down.

I had a C6/C7 fusion done in 2006 for a whiplash injury I got surfing in 1998; surgery didn't solve my problem well at all; been going to doctors and gulping opiates ever since. With shock like pain going down my arms and legs, weak all over; burning shoulders tight hamstrings and weak quads; all somehow from my neck. I was a triathlete before and super active; being 29 at the time; had a sweet house a good job and a younger wife. She liked that I was a homeowner and an athlete. Injury to myself coordinated with her pregnant for the first time. Haven't run or done a pull up since 1998. Managed to continue mountain bike, hiking and surfing and skating. Although impaired; real estate was going nuts so I slumlorded for a decade or so; juggling houses in Santa Barbara, Utah, and Central Oregon. Changed jobs from organic truck farmer/veggie seller; to getting my license and teaching school.

Never really able to keep a job as my physical condition was too much; didn't stop me from taking teaching jobs for short times all over Oregon. Eastern Oregon and Central Oregon and Coastal Oregon, I worked all over. In 2013, with two kids, one scholar and one stoner skaterat hitting puberty; my son and I put a skateramp in my wife's garage parking spot which irked her for sure. I had a trailer at the beach; and a condo which I would rent out weekly; which also irked her. Packing up her possessions and cramped camping was not her idea of a fun way to make money but I loved it. I could be at the beach, volunteered at a YMCA with my kids in tow every summer for fun experiences; which we had plenty of.

Eventually, my daughter put herself thru college and is a chemist in town; my son burned out from skate rat to minor in possession of weed; recently legalized for adults but penalized for minors. After years of forced therapy where he never cracked; he ended up with a GED.

I also bought a business in 2013; that we ran together for7 years. Bought my wife a job with our last bit of real estate; a farm store. Covid and divorce ended that one; I ended up with a garage full of drink coolers and display racks which I peddled off slowly. The juice bar/sandwich stop/ farm store, at which my wife and I could be our own bosses. It ended up sealing our fate, unfortunately. Passive agressive disagreements abounded with her and I having different philosophies. I was fly by the seat of my pants; she wanted a retirement account and insisted on deserving a nice car whether there was money for it or not. Wheeling and dealing versus safe stability was our main conflict; as well as my being compromised by my neck injury.

So we had moved to Central Oregon from Los Angeles. Selling Santa Barbara for two houses in Oregon. A short stint among the Mormons in Utah was a fun little side trip; as was living in a community of 400 and teaching school in the sticks. So I did some landlording and buying and selling of houses; easy money till the 2009 real estate bust caused a foreclosure and downsizing to one property; Also bought business; my wife at the time, she was my front for lots of family get togethers; and basically my caretaker; which sucked for her. Never have your wife be your caretaker or business partner! She couldn't help me and also blamed me for seemingly not putting in my fair share of work; We slowly were growing apart; until a 2017 accident and dual concussions for us both; it seemed to sever her from her emotions, she stopped being a mother to her kids and a faithful wife and helpmeet for me. She couldn't think to make sandwiches and soup anymore; soon she was gone. Everyone has ditched me save for my son; who, ironically, sells vegetables at a farm store; too bad he was out getting high when we could have used him at our farm store! At least I have him; but even that is tenuous.

He has a DUI conviction and is skipping on his penalty and conviction; basically you could say I am harboring a fugitive in my home. I drive him to work; he doesn't drive, doesn't hang with his friends anymore because he knows they fuck about with drugs, guns, fast cars, etc, and will shortly be encountering the cops as they are reckless. But currently he can't reckon with his problems; he's anxious and just waiting to get lit up and tossed in jail, where he will have to kick nicotine, alcohol, and kratom all at the same time. I'm enabling him I know; he's my only reliable friend. And we live together. He never even told his mom about his DUI. As she has moved on and formed a Brady Bunch type new family. Good riddance to her as she done me dirty after I burned her out as my helpmeet.

Rock, meet hard place. My daughter doesn't see me as it breaks her heart; ex-wife took our business off the table in our divorce. Thinking hard about leaving the state with my son; back to California to wherever a surgeon will cut me; I don't have much to lose by trying to fix my spine; but I also haven't travelled more than 1 hour in 4 years. No seeing family or friends, no skating(legs too shaky), no surfing(calf cramps), no working.

Not wanting to be a victim I try to walk and swim and skate a little but exercise does not help me get better or stronger.

My therapist says to keep working and demand reasonable accomodation. Like I am going to teach middle school in a cervical collar and make all the students only stay to my left as I can't look right.
Up until 2017 I would skate with my students after work at the local skatepark. My primary doc is taking my off clonazepam currently; then methadone next. Maybe switching me to suboxone for opioid misuse disorder. Not that I ever really went off script with opiates to manage my pain; but they are not really helping enough anymore. Luckily I am on a pain contract.
So at least I can wean off the meds pretty slowly. I want another surgery; I know the risks, but I have symptoms that have not been adressed and I feel like they could be with a surgery at the correct level; although it will bankrupt me and may not fix me; I am aware. Maybe it will address my pain which is giving me a constant occipital headache since my last surgery; the pain really concentrated at C4 and I found out I have the instability at C4 and have probably had it since my first whiplash; causing sore neck and leg and arm weakness. Like changing a tire takes me a month; I take job after job that I end up bailing on. I can't seem to function; I am only 54 and really want life back.

I had bought her the cook job and managed the produce; stupid I know. Setting up shop in the morning; going to work as a teacher; then closing shop after work. More lifting, but I got by with teaching and co-managing our store. I told her that an ambulance would be taking me home from the job; not far from the truth!

2017 she was driving, taking us home from work and she T-boned a truck. Almost killed a 16 yo girl. Not her fault she was driving and it is a notorious intersection by our work. My head hit the window, lost my front teeth; but my wife got a severe concussion and pretty much gave up the ghost on the business and our lives. She needed help; I couldn't do it and when she recovered she was gone. Started going on long walks and turning the location off her phone, etc. The lawyer that was going to rep us dropped us because of divorce; I felt like a deer in the headlights and did not hire a lawyer for divorce or for the injury from the car wreck. However; she hired a new one and got a settlement of 75,000, I settled for 5,000. Oh well, it didn't really get better from there. I found a new girlfriend who turned out had borderline personality disorder, my son got a dui, and I grew ever more isolated, bright side is I still own my house as real estate had been favorable to me from CA boom. I spent 60k on Lyrica, and 45k on a surgery that wasn't covered after the fact. So fucking stupid, my insurance is useless at this point; they wont pay for injections or surgery either; and are trying to price me out of my opioid meds.

Then in 2017; had a t=bone car wreck which screwed me up worse. 2021 and a new artificial disc put in at C6-C7. Turns out now I have a verterbrea out of of place at C4, its like my doctors have given up on my and my all over weakness that I believe is caused by my 3mm(only grade 1) cervical instability(spondylolisthesis), needs a fusion, in my opinion, as injections into my facet joints or steiroid shots never work. Ibuprofen is my savior in that it reduces my symptoms. Prednisone is an option. I can barely move my neck; I am begging my doctors to fuse up my C4 to my C5; but they don't want to limit my mobility. like I have any significant mobility.

So I am basically disabled; on 40 mgs methadone and 30mgs hydrocodone daily. Im fucking over it and am looking for a surgery but noone in my town will do it. So I am shopping around my MRI and Xrays, cat scans, etc, to spine specialists, problem is I dont travel well.
Since my disc replacement in 2021; things have gotten so much more intense; must be more pressure is put on C4 now.
Occipital headache and brain fog is my newest thing; since surgery last year. Docs are saying opiates will do that; but I feel like my problem is concentrated at the C4 level that gives me all the symptoms of spondylolisthesis; a condition also known as cervical instability; its not too severe looking and only 3mm; but driving me nuts as doctors think I am just crazy at this point and just throw pain meds at me; then I get a new primary doc and he wants to take them away and have me just cope with intractable pain.

 

[lolis my thesis]

No doubt; I started smoking pot on the daily when I was 13; kept it up along with every other drug done compulsive like; including my addiction to exercise or porn.
Kinda jealous that my sister was valedictorian and a bitch to me; bringing me home when she caught me sneaking to beer busts at 15. That one hurt; but after tears I got a 1:00 am curfew
Had a good wife; but dial up babes lit up my nights; I got over it. Bought a VW van with a student loan and dropped out of college to chase waves on a van you had to push start the whole way.
That blew up both the van and the three guys friendships down in Mainland Mexico. Called my parents after hitchhiking thru the desert from AZ for some funds. What a spoiled brat I am!
Surf Doobie Chow was the mantra; but also way too many acid trips or mushroom eighths or 5000 swiped from my parents college fund for me on eight balls of coke
To smoking meth with losers for a bit; to endurance exercise and clean living
to pain meds and benzo overuse; nodding out on the methadone until I learned it was dangerous.
Just started therapy; havent scratched these wounds open just yet; may take awhile.
Oh yeah I also used to get black out drunk on the regular.
Miracle I graduated college and started dating a distance swimmer/started doing that kinda stuff COMPULSIVE MUCH!!!!

I take it at like 2:00 am, same time I take Wellbutrin 24 hr release 300mg.
The wellbutrin kinda makes me feel speedy; so I take .75mg at the same time; and I can sleep till 6 or so. That is the time; I crave the clonazepam and sometimes I just take 1mg then to hopefully go back to sleep for awhile. I should just get up and moving at 6am!
I only seem to sleep in 3 hour maximum time.

Are you familiar with lamictal; I have a psychiatrist that is saying to take 100mg/day; but I only take 50mg so far.
It does seem to drown out the lows of depression; she also wants me to take a stimulant for ADD and motivation; but probably not until I finish the benzo taper. They take me down .25 every three weeks;

I can ask for smaller cuts on the k-pins when I get to .5 in six weeks. (.125mg cuts) if I have withdrawal symptoms. They really are trying to ease me off slowly; but they have no interest in switching me to valium which I hear is easier to wean off. So far no withdrawal and I am down to .75 from 3mg/day.

I also get 40mg methadone/day and 30mg norco/day; so I guess that does make me an overdose risk. If I could get rid of my occipital headache I would be golden as I am feeling more motivated after my last "episode". Simply looking up and I feel achy weak and shaky for a month; including my arms and legs and also Essential tremor. Im torn(pun intended); on weather to pursue another fusion as I have adjacent segment trouble after a disc replacement in summer 2021.
I simple looked up/and down for and xray and one of my vertebrae slides 3mm over 2 fused levels and I was hurting pretty good for a solid month.

Thinking I may be looking at another fusion to correct this condition (I would like to dream that could give me a life without pain); but another surgery is a crapshoot. Although mild in size; not in symptoms. Its at C4 where I have cervical instability but its only grade 1 so no surgeons in
Central Oregon want to touch it. Injections and pain meds is all they are able to offer; I will be tapering the methadone and vicodin next. I fiend out on the vicodin shhheee!; (opioid misuse disorder I know)
After I blow thru the vicodin in a week or so I use kratom for rest of the time.
I guess I am a junky thanks to my liberal pain doc.
my regular doc just wants me to switch to suboxone next......stay tuned if ya want!
Thanks! I hear that from some people; Im a wordy motherfucker; got a novel in me somewheres. I used to be lightning fast and now I am running from lightning; perma-fuzzy in the head. My ever shrinking life; but as of yet won't succomb to pain; rather seeking answers.

Had a dream last night was camping; my truck and trailer went crazy out of control; I wasn't in it but watching helplessly. It bounced into another campsite and somehow hit and launched a cow safely over up and over another campsite; and some old granny sitting by the fire. At least that was amusing! Then horrible lightning storms with tornados ensued and every shelter or refuge in other trailers, with strangers, some who spoke Spanish, can't quite remember but I was sitting in an Airstream next to a little hispanic boy and opposite his mother. Others always offering shelter; but would slide wrecklessly out of control from gnarly storms that kept coming; both electric shock danger; tornadic columns of doom; turning the hillside to mud, always careening down the muddy slope; sliding into other campers.

Obvs; Looking for refuge; family members present but don't know who. Definitely my son was present. Maybe my ex-wife. Running for shelter. Looming disaster. Kept going back to the dream after waking up; futile attempts to shake my head clear in vain. Symbolic? I know I was uneasy as my son went out last night; already semi hammered and a with warrant on his head. He's suffering but I feel like a deer in the headlights; running in place, living the same day over and over. Went to bed with a sense of dread in my head. Was ever relieved to see him home this AM. Too much worry and stress; fear of loss of myself and seeing my daughter and ex-wife ever more distant on my horizon. Alien nation.

damn headache that has persisted the better part of the year; I can't remember who is who on basketball teams; and don't really recall the last year at all. I had surgery; but don't remember the recovery but sure as hell feel more pain now than ever. I don't feel smart anymore; after a disc replacement in my neck. Pain doc is throwing up his hands; Other docs are saying I am hazy from taking drugs. Pain doc saying I need to go to Mayo Clinic for specialized help; but it takes so much oomph, patience and time to organize stuff. Have a teaching gig but wake up with such angst and fatigue that I dread school starting when usually I look forward to being a ringmaster; letting the kids be kids. If a kid wants to go to the restroom I say, take your time, you're the hall monitor's problem now. Like they werent on task anyway; why not try and help the ones there to learn not forced by the institutional machine; My daughter put herself thru college; yet my son got chewed up and spit out, not for lack of aptitude, but resentment and stubborness. I am very intrigued by the ever different humans and what makes em; some kids raised by wolves, others with giant expectations from parents. Influenced by friends and wants and needs and fears. Technology is the soothing opiate that keeps most from rebelling like we did in the good old days.

And I got me a regular doc throwing anti depressants and mood stabilizers thinking more meds will help me with my medication problem, like WTF?

I missed a damn dentist appointment the other day; I was on the wrong day and even the wrong time. My daughter says I remember my own birth as I remember the smallest of details from 20 plus years ago; I remember high school but couldnt tell you about last week.

Drugs; but they helped me function for better part of 20 years now Im extra weak and also hazed. They were; but no longer are; enough to allow me decent quality of life. Holding on; walking and swimming, even though it doesn't really make me stronger like it used to do.
Dont even smoke pot(anymore) or drink; just take opiates benzos and lyrica. A cocktail for sure.
Maybe its the drugs; but why did they work for 20 years and then suddenly turn on me? Arggh


Interests: Surfing, skating, camping, marine biology(aside: been attacked by a sea lion, and caught a seabird in my own hands, carressed bulbous kelp maidens that would spring up between waves, kinda cool, surfing with dolphins leaving tracers from their fins, surfing on the same waves in the night, pure stoke shared at the Rincon) scheming, weather patterns, human behavior, study of language, travel, teaching, sports in general, fitness, mental health is suffering as my pursuits are too reckless; being told to mourn what is lost and do physical therapy instead. Never been a gym person, although I do enjoy swimming.
We all get old and sore and have to quit someday; or life takes us off the shores. I think its in the back of all surfers' minds. I remember grumpy old locals when I was young. They had back backs and were never too welcoming to the whippersnappers. I get in now. Its so fucking good, you never want to stop, or even share our spots freely, but stop we all will. You revisit your past like it is yesterday. So a pioneer of the bitchin!



The sport of Kings has become the sport of jesters. Like water off a sea otters back; or just bail, and find somewhere else to wax nostalgic over surf. Great kinships forged : but real brotherhood among the different sects is fleeting. "Who's that insta pack coming to ruin our session" are the laments I hear, or have made myself. Since the 80s. I hope you don't just bail this board; the community is harsh. Gotta have a thick skin to paddle out in these cold waters.



"Kelp Bowls"

Santa Cruz, 1990; post eathquake. Giant holes fenced off downtown. Up Western to pick up my friend; short ride in the 84 Chevy. Brewer single fin under my arm; running down the trail to %mile. Kevin R. did an air right over me. Cemented in my mind; maybe it was the tabs we took; the colors of the sunset; Kevin's girlfriend's Robot like style; but ripping! Then getting the boot from the Mexican Restaurant later for getting the giggles!
Yeah, I was going to Strand and Shores here on W coast; when they were burning cars or tipping them over; with a never got hassled but also knew there were certain "sea lions" to watch out for. Sure I had rocks thrown at me at certain points but that was after we scored it so we laughed it off.

The most scared I ever was when a real sea lion attacked me. That loc sent me right in; riding alongside me just to make sure. Whacking that blubber with my rail did nothing at all! I just say be friendly and welcome all comers but hey, when I go to a certain central coast spot; my "sea lion" of a friend blocks for me and he also gives me rides on his jetski when other spots are firing. Good to have sea lion friends. Especially when your just an otter

I remember hugging those kelp maidens popping up after every wave and stroking the leaf coming off the bulbs; each one my own Rapunzel.



Older days the pig boards probably gave float and longer sessions. Smaller boards evolved alongside wetsuit evolution. But my girfriend in 1994, won the 5 mile Pier to Pier swim. I got cold just paddling alongside her. Only women, or men with beer bellies, were able to finish without being pulled out due to hypothermia. Surfing is the best, most fleeting, way to kiss God; and enjoy sport simutaneously!

 

[lolis my thesis]

never wore shoes in college. I thought it was so cool but looking back it was so gross!

Your last paragraph made me tear right up. Mom is 82, Dad 86. They were huge in my own childrens' life. Now I miss them but they are warm happy in AZ now. We moved to Bend, OR when they were here, so they could know and help with their grand kids. I previously graduated UCSB (UCanStudyBuzzed). 6 years with a 2.0 GPA. Attribute that to waves, but also copious weed, wine, and (some) women. But a baggie to smoke for surf trips was the norm. Class? Midterms?...Mexico!

Central Oregon was the only place I got accepted to get my teaching licence when I wanted a desk job. So here I am; unemployed substitute teacher who just sold his business as a longtime veggie seller I am without so much as a carrot!.

Dad fears dementia as it took his mother and it may well take him. Mom hides the wine bottle if he drinks too much at the supper table. At one point Grandma called my mother a cleaning lady! But they still live it up at the UU church and my father is a handyman; and knows just how much the church is taking advantage of his talents, of which he gives generously.
Peace
I hired a craigslist mover yesterday. As I sold my commercial real estate; and the buyers actually want to close, but everything not nailed down had to go. It was chock full of produce racks and restaurant equipment. He helped me out bigtime yesterday. Johnny on the spot when I needed it. He went above and beyond for me, moving Deli Coolers, Sales Racks, picnic tables, benches, refrigerators, freezers, basically filled my garage. Need a new plan for skate ramp coming next week! Backyard in the grass; or front yard in the driveway? No more masonite; skate paint I suppose....

Here's the good part; I showed him that he overlooked a couple items outside. Mostly an ice cream cooler plus a couple other items. I told him not to sweat it; but he did. This morning, while he was at the property, he calls me; he caught my realtor there, boosting the Ben and Jerrys ice cream cooler!
Now I also know what happened to my missing hand truck.

Should I give the crooked realtor a bottle of champagne in these difficult times to pay it forward. Already tipped the mover with something nice to smoke. From my son's stash. Ha Ha.

When this is all over I have restaurant equipment and could do it over again in a leased space. Or maybe my friend in Cambria or his son wants to open up a restaurant business? Now that fugger has been scoring waves last few days.

I called him pretending I was with the "Federal Police" and that I was coming for his boards to keep him out of the water.

 

[lolis my thesis]

We all get old and sore and have to quit someday; or life takes us off the shores. I think its in the back of all surfers' minds. I remember grumpy old locals when I was young. They had back backs and were never too welcoming to the whippersnappers. I get in now. Its so fucking good, you never want to stop, or even share our spots freely, but stop we all will. You revisit your past like it is yesterday. So a pioneer of the bitchin!



The sport of Kings has become the sport of jesters. Like water off a sea otters back; or just bail, and find somewhere else to wax nostalgic over surf. Great kinships forged : but real brotherhood among the different sects is fleeting. "Who's that insta pack coming to ruin our session" are the laments I hear, or have made myself. Since the 80s. I hope you don't just bail this board; the community is harsh. Gotta have a thick skin to paddle out in these cold waters.

 

[lolis my thesis]

Weather related because its raining on lots of parades of late! We averaged 1000/day; Sandwiches and pre-made salads on artisan bread, wine, beer, kombucha, soft drinks, etc. And produce. Central Oregon. Usually I would take produce off site on Saturdays so they would be 2000 gross. Never did income vary much. Last year a competitor came in; eventually our gross dwindled to 600/day and we were caught flat footed. But burnout also had set in; a proactive business plan could have saved us; but I don't like debt so we folded. Plus one break in was the last straw! Peace Time to learn to fish! Sold the commercial real estate and luckily it was for cash and closed on Wednesday. Making it rain!
I know your hyperbolic, histrionic, egocentric ass is reading this! I liked your poem, sure did, over in the unemployment thread. I went to many school, long time; but never a prof uttered the words "driving narrative"(or I wasn't there that day). Scathe, wither, causticly fire away; I invite you to grade my reply(ies) to Ken Deaver (or his work, for that matter, since you did that already).

Use "driving narrataive", other literary devices you like to see, (Stragic use of Capitals?); in your critique. Use examples from your own work, IF applicable.

One student submits the work rubs you the wrong way. The other well, you would would like to rub the right way, ya perv!
Firstly, a young stoner slacker that barely comes to class; maybe he pretends he doesn't recognize you in the lineup and mercilessly snakes and backpaddles you. He turns in his work late, and there some sort of oil staining the page.

Now imagine your submission cums from some jubilcious, flrty, nubile sorority sister, bubbly and busty, and grade that. The overall marks should me be the same, given same content; but you really want to backpaddle her and leave nice marks for her! Her work has a nice mild odor as she tells you she has been keeping it in her underwear drawar!

Use your exceptional cranial capacity!
Im just looking for a free lesson; as I am allowed to teach English thru the 12th grade here in Bend(her)O'er

 

[lolis my thesis]

my business failed after 7 years. Never had any loans; so once the bank account finally drained it was over. Since yesterday I have a garage full of deli equipment and produce racks.
Cashed out on the building; fingers crossed it closes tomorrow. Then share the proceeds 50/50 with my ex.
Yesterday I caught my realtor red handed trying to boost an ice cream freezer; awkward!


Produce sales were so fun as a young man; not so exciting when you are landlocked and 50. teaching school, Real Estate flipper, Craigslist Air bnb'er with a trailer at the beach to retreat to while letting strangers take holidays in our condo; wanna be Trump. So lucky I bought a house in 1995 for 250; sold it in 2006 for 850k.
renting the shithole downstairs to students and living above the garage

I worked at Risley Farms in Goleta after UCSB (U can study Buzz ed); in 1992, growing strawberries and hawking them at Farmers Market on Tuesday State Street or downtown Saturdays; I was the annoying loudmouth barking away.
so I took my skills; and went to Jon Givens Farms and got a much better dealio.
Going down to Los Angeles, Santa Monica or Encino or Montrose. Still have the 1998

I worked for a Richie Rich boss. His house recently burned to the ground in the Fairview Canyon fire. Our arrangement was; Just had to give him the wholesale; then pocket the rest.
After I stopped working there he decided not to pay so well! 75k cash under the table and it always included a "me" fee!

 

[lolis my thesis]

Sit down folks, and let me spin you a yarn. If you are pressed for time, maybe don't read. I'm verbose, what can I say.

The Ultimate Fixx was describing a situation where life partners cease deceptions begin where honesty was originally, and ceasing to see eye to eye; habits become hidden, when discovered, a point of contention difficult to resolve. They say marriage is hard work. I believe that 100% but did not understand when I got involved with my wife to be, a great lay and a fun party girl; she was pregnant with my child; and at the same time I had a catastrophic whiplash injury to my neck. Even had a friend warn me in 2002 that her anger; albeit mostly below the surface; product of her upbringing, never addressed; the elephant in the room.

My ex-wife is an alcoholic, I am a methadone and hydrocodone benzo fiend. Pothead too. I would have her hide my pot; then proceed to tear up the house to find it, time after time. She stopped doing it eventually; saying just smoke the damn stuff fuckwad! At first she did everything with me. Went to the beach, Oregon and back, travelled to Spain with me and two little kids in tow; on my whim. She went to the doctor with me after I got hurt. After a few years she stopped going with me We bought a travel trailer; after it became "lived in" she ceased to join me on camping excursions. She didn't like that I would Air bnb our personal residence to go camping as a big part of our income. She was scared of dogs; and grew to resent ours. So warning signals of trouble ahead were abundant. Her new boyfriends dog; bit me when I met him, ceased to exist shortly after she moved in with her new man.

Her biggest fear was that I would enable my son to be an opioid addict(I did)
My biggest fear was that her drinking would enable him to become alcoholic (she did).

So now I live with my alcoholic, addict son. Who is a product of our drug use and behaviors. He is estranged from his momma; which makes me sad.

Ex wife, Ex mother, (Gillian), well we another accident for us both, her driving her new Subaru home from the business I had established for us. We were driving home from work together one day; and that was the day that she t-boned a group of rafters darting across the road, well that was when the last fibers of her connection to me were severed. No more love for me or her responsibilty as a mother. She started driving around with a flask in her car. And was adamant that this was "her' time. Went out to bars, turned off her location, started carrying a frisbee. She wasn't throwing it to herself mind you. Started walking at the dog free park. I was 50, she was 40, and it was over! Young husband had became old headache.

We are all products of our pasts; destined to repeat what was modeled by parents. Gillian felt explicitly unwanted, the unfavored child. Her dad, once a legendary scoundrel ala Hunter S Thomson, called himself Pablo even though his name was Paul, had connections to big drugs, hit men, rough shit. Gamma ate that shit up. For awhile. Gamma's dad hated "Pablo"; all the better! Gilli remembers being locked in her room while her parents had parties, serving up platters of cocaine, and Pablo even put cocaine in the bottles of booze to make the women horny. He took a hooker to his prom, by all accounts, a no-account, crippled in an accident, with a fused cervical spine, and living at one point in a hospital bed; a hardcore addict who had walked out of her life at 13. You see, his wife Gamma, had become a raging bitch. Pretty young party girl changed. So he up and them with nothing. He sold the car, the house, and moved far away.

Gilli's sister Alli, always got everything Gamma had left to give, cheerleading uniforms, underage drinking, car privilege at 13! My future wife, the black sheep Gilli, got responses "go ask your father for softball money"; alas he was nowhere to be found. Gramma hated him enough to serve him papers for back child support when he was in hospital after his first heart attack. Gamma never shared the proceeds with the kids she was suing for support for. Gilli's friends were not even allowed by Gamma, Gilli's mom, to sit on her furniture, while Alli, the favored one, had drinking parties and jocks barfing in the toilet. Alli was a cheerleader, and allowed to drive the car around at 13. Gilli was treated like a piece of shit.

When Gillian got with me; two months later I became injured, disabled, drug addicted just like her father was. And she was pregnant with our daughter at 21 years old.
Raised by wolves. OwwWOO. Interestingly, her sister Alli; she became a man hater, and wound up marrying a parapalegic man.;
never really had to confront her sexuality and properly address her distrust and contempt for men. Gamma could be heard on the phone with my dear gf Gillian, "He's got you pregnant again; he's gonna leave you with NOTHING" I would here scream. Barefoot and pregnant! "He's got four of you living in a 400sq foot studio(overlooking the neigborhood); and he's renting out the family house downstairs to a bunch of students." And I had her selling veggies for $30 an hour instead of doing hair like a proper lady should. So I didn't fit her agenda; and was determined to destroy me. And scheme how to get Gillis name on my property, car titles, etc. And make me marry her.

Gilli was 18 she went to Europe just to get as far away from Gamma as possible. While there, she discovered she had another surprise sister, Gamma had a baby at 15, but being Catholic, went to a Nunnery and had the baby and was forced by her parents to put her up for adoption. 20 years later extra daughter born of scandal, lesbian Jane Lorane, contacted her birth mom. I only say lesbian as it was ironic that the shunned became the novelty family member in a Catholic family; welcomed with open arms by the same patriarchal family that had outcast her as a baby, became a lesbian, and then suddenly accepted as the new favorite child.
These things have an impact dontcha think?

Can you see that Gilli was destined to repeat history; I was blinded by lust and busy with kids so it just happened under my nose. I tried to keep her away from her toxic mother, but apples and trees, and all, they remained in contact and currently are close again. I haven't pursued my ex neices and nephews but Gilli pushes her way to remain Auntie to her ex extended family; pushing her way to see them against my sister's and my parents wishes. She does not respect the boundaries or accept that my extended family has disowned her. It may not be right but thats how they feel about it. I know I sure ain't uncle Mike to my exnephew on her side!

By the age of 40, she had morphed into her own mother to a tee. She really is the passive agressive angry toxic person who had wooed me with her feminine wiles, yet ended up changing, not going along with her husbands plan.

She wanted a 401 k; a secure retirement; I wanted to live in a camper while we rented out our pad where she cherished her possesions and was uneasy about tenants using HER stuff. I had no personal attachments to inanimate objects; but people are different and I could have respected her wishes and desires; but I guess I didn't . I bought her a job as a cook at our produce market; she felt entitled to 30 bux an hour and a new car; the fact that the business couldn't afford that was too bad, for me. So after the novelty wore off; she got bored cooking and running her own show. Now she's happily employed at Costco; as a pharmacy assistant. Has her 401k or whatever I didn't provide.

What was super attractive to her when I was thirty, and she 20 it evolved as things do. An active dude with a cash money job and a house. And she was just so beautiful lookin and had a comely appearance. I first noticed her anger issues when she would get very angry at our daughter, teething, biting on her nipple when breastfeeding. So much so I requested her to write Kind on one hand and Firm on the other. And I dragged her around to the beach for surfing, Oregon and back a million times to manage our real estate. I finally encouraged her to take out our only mortgage on a house, that only needed the house to appreciate. It was 2009, market crashed and we stopped paying on her loan and she blamed me for ruining her credit as the loan was only in her name. The bank loaned her, a cashier at supermarket, 310,000 on a No document loan. Then the market crashed and I scrambled and scrimped and had just enough to buy us a property; a business and her a job.

I was always compromised by pain, just like good old Pable, and was always a bit of an impulsive renegade. She had to take care of me, couldn't cure me, and was truly in a long suffering position. I know it sucked balls to be married to me. too hurt to hold a job but well enough to go surfing kinda thing. I mean my devotion to the ocean was part of why she was attracted to me originally, but became an albatross (or Pelican) around her neck.

Divorcing was hard on me; very much like losing a loved one to death; she was my partner and helpmeet for 20 years; then one day she wasn't. Just...like....that.
Of course she had been slowly building bricks around herself; bricks of resentments and making a wall around her self that became too large for me to dismantle.
She already had one boob out the door; so by the time I realized I was losing her, she was gone.

I went thru a period of feeling I needed to have a partner; cycled thru a few girlfriends, but ultimately, now I feel free and content with myself; I don't need a girlfriend so of course they come knocking now that I am ready to be a whole person again; healed from a partnership that was my life but unfortunately went awry; shit happens and like it or not life goes on.
My daughter got the hell out of dodge when we split; she went off to college and got a chemistry degree. Sober and happy, what I can tell.
She remains friendly with her mom and with me. She is a diplomat; gonna oversee safety at the lab she works at. My daugter is the diamond in the rough; my son is my best friend and has not abandoned me. Love them dearly, proud of creating them with Gillian; and owe her a big thanks for helping me meet my biological imperative in a wowing fashion. My daughter is a safety supervisor at a chem lab in this smallish town; my son has held a job for 3 years selling vegetables like his old man; history repeating itself once again. True reincarnation; everlasting life in my Genes. My grandpa's name was Freedom; and I take after him. I feel like their is a bit of Freedom in me still.
Dear reader; I hope you enjoyed my saga. It ends for us all; but the merry go round of life keeps turning! There will be pain; and there will be joy and I know both now!
So the products of her and I do live on; for better or worse(no pun indended). Not even death will end that