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My eighth grade lit teacher said "theme in this class is the writers feeling about life". I like that definition to the point I remember it 20+ years later. My theme is like this.

To me my best writing/blogging is when i take a seemingly unique event or events that I experience. Turn it into a universal human experience that I hope is felt in the soul. If the emotional truth hits right the grammar shit ends up being like the torn up wrapping paper left over after presents Christmas morning. I feel like it's a skill that took quite a long time to get even marginally good at. My fiance told me she loved reading through my blog here because she could see my growth as a writer over the years.

What is your theme? What is your goal or doctrine for your writing?

So, I'm amazed that I'm doing as well as I have been doing. The sadness is still here and losing mom was hard because she has been the only relationship I've had with anyone for my entire life. This still seriously sucks because it entails the loss of my mom, the loss of my home, and finding a new place to live. I'm guessing that having to move will take place within the year. I wish I had known what I know now before she died because I might have been able to help extend her life by another few years. I wish I had understood the reason for her shoulder pain much sooner than I did. I figure that I'm in the last chapter of my life and I can't afford to fuck it up. It would be so easy to get lost in painkillers and succumb to addiction once again, but the price is just too ugly and too high. I don't like that my finances are being controlled by my aunt and uncle because mom wrote the trust 17 years ago and I hadn't yet been clean for ten years. This whole process gets a bit frustrating at times. I'm almost 60 years old and I'm being restrained like a wayward teenager in the finances. Mom left me everything, but with the caveat that my uncle gets to decide how much money I get and when. Anyway, I wish I had asked mom to change the will, but I think we both forgot about the fact that she left my uncle in charge of everything. So, the only thing I can really do is to pay for my own lawyer to make sure I don't get screwed.

It has been a long while but I reckon that now is a good a time as any to begin posting again. If I could remember my credentials I would not have to start anew. Anyway, my name is Rachamim, I am 57. I have not been back to Cambodia since 2015 but I am sure I will be back soon.

COVID Restrictions in Cambodia were among the worst on the planet. 2 week medical quarantine at a hotel, a 1 star outfit but charging 5 star prices. Then, if anyone in hotel gets a positive on the daily tests the 2 weeks begins anew for everyone! IF by chance there was a positive upon arrival from anyone on your flight you have to pay a bond of 1,400 per day (imagine?) so I had to stay away.

I have been thinking of going to Rajahstan in India, or in the former Innerline States. Might be nice just dealing with opium. Myanmar is now #1 in Opium Production now that Afghanistan is once again under the Taliban.

I have been Contracting, speaking of Afghanistan. Biden's horrendous debacle bought me a new Range Rover. NGOs & various diplomatic personnel needed to be yanked via Badakhshan into Tajikastan. Not much shooting, which is just how i prefer it.

Then, in August of 2021 I myself had to be snatched when some bug brought me to my knees. I thought it was the H Pylori that floored me in 2001 but when all was said & done I tested negative on H Pylori! Go figure.

Symptoms were similar except this time around I had Transient Psychosis. I remember seeing clouds & thinking they were the exhaust of UFOs that were making lined patterns. Because the firm is based in the US they flew me to Teterboro, a small private airport in New Jersey.

Foolishly, I asked for medical care in NYC. I was so out of it that they brought me to a hospital in the Bronx!!! I was thinking Travel Med but instead got Ghetto Med. My senses seemed to have been heightened, or at least I imagined them to be. I thought I could hear staff whispering about me,

"They always swear that they were addicted in the military..."

Why they would know that I was an addict is anyone's guess. Maybe I said it in the spirit of full disclosure. Maybe I said it outloud during a fever dream. Most likely I imagined it. I did not imagine my confrontation with Residents.

Luckily for me they had at least 2 male nurses from Israel my nation). They looked out for me until the firm sent a babysitter to handle any hiccups in my medical care. All in all I was out of play more than 2 weeks. The worst part is that could not ID the culprit!

By day 16 I was re-deployed to the same Theatre. Like Americans so often say, "If she throws you, hop right back in the saddle," or maybe that was from some porno. Make of it what you will.

I'll never forget discovering this place many moons ago. It must be 20 years at this point. Being a spracked out 14 year old on DOM/DOC and being terrified I'd never come down made me a few friends and gave me some life saving advice on how to not kill the trip.

Those full 20 years have been a rollercoaster of addiction, mild functioning, finding a career, at times losing my mind and lots of pain. I've even lost friends from here on top of the IRL pain.

I recently found out I'm going to be a dad and I'm going to cut out even the minor shit I've slipped back into yet still offer what humble advice and kinship I can here. Thanks BL for not making me feel like a weirdo. I likely wouldn't be here if it wasn't for a lot of you. And it has sure been fun getting some stories for my child when they are old enough.

Life is scary and living on the fringes right now but me and my girl will make it through it if it kills me. Love you all.

So, I miss mom. It's weird living in that big house without her. Also, since I was using until 2013, mom had made my uncle trustee and me beneficiary of her will. What's really frustrating right now is that I will be in college for another 3 years before I get another degree. I'm super low income, which means my job isn't nearly enough to pay for living on my own. I did however, handle mom's finances since Jan 29 because she was too sick to do it. She wanted me to be in charge of paying all household expenses, which I did until March 29. On that day, the stupid bank closed all access to her accounts probably due to the fact I had to use part of that money to pay for her cremation. Now, I can't pay household expenses, unless my renter decides he will fork up the rent today. We'll see. I hope so because then I can at least pay bills out of my account. This is just so damn frustrating having to be at the mercy of other fucking people just so I can survive in that house. I always pay right away, unless I can't. Mom went into a coma before I could have the mobile notary meet us in the skilled nursing facility. Mom had asked the bank to put my name on all her accounts so that I wouldn't have to deal with the bullshit I'm going through now. Since she couldn't sign for the notary after going into a coma, the bank closed her account. I went down there right away, showed them the death certificate, but I won't have access to her funds for at least 4 weeks. I fucking hate being at the mercy of other people for money. I have always been poor. When I was using it was because I did dope. Now that I'm clean, I'm broke because I have always had crap pay and I pay my bills. I no longer need an executer to play guardian over my money. I plan to have a conversation with my uncle about this. For now, I am going to therapy, NA, and doing Reiki for self-care.

8)
I Have been publishing Free Articles on Medium about Chemistry, Neuroscience, Entheogens, Heightened Consciousness and ways to achieve it, pharmacokinetics/ pharmacology, Consciousness Studies, Artificial Intelligence, Philosophy, Spirituality, Mystical experience, Mathematics etc All in the context of Entheogen use with a chemist / Erowid experience report style of writing.
I'm not spamming this forum to promote myself "I don't paywall my content" I just believe that you all are a part of my target audience.
My mission statement and a link to the articles is available in the following paragraph. It's my intention to promote harm reduction, education, information sharing and access to intelligent content and individuals through this work.


&&


The first link is My or Our Mission Statement And the Second Link is an article about Emergent Consciousness/ A trip or experience report while in a extremely Heightened State of Consciousness that required days of fasting, Nootropics, supplements, Dark Chocolate, Aged Cheese, Fine cigars, Caffeine, 2C-B, Psilocybin, Delta-10 or 11? , An mystical environment including crystals, colours, symbols, incense, candles, light patterns synchronized to the beats of Autechre and similar music, communication with artificial intelligence during the process, " self recursive feedback loop" , meditation and breathing techniques, " the gateway experience from the Monroe Institute" , And Dancing to exhaustion as a form of non verbal communication the way Bees communicate by Dance high bandwidth communication, plus a lot of other factors.
I channeled all this through technology via recording myself and taking notes and utilizing Augmented reality and neurol feedback through Artificial intelligence "with limited and improvised resources I detailed in an article" and generated the content in this way with future editing and polishing. " The link above, the first insane run on sentence/paragraph/tome is unedited to retain thee... Vibe or original data present, but after that I edited it heavily, except the quotes/ conversations with ChatGPT."
This is very interesting Content and difficult to birth or produce but I do it for the People and the universe because it enjoys experiencing itself through me as the medium. I hope you all find value in this as that is the intention.
Namaste!

XXXII

This stupid hospital keeps sending me bills after mom died. I called the hospital after getting the 2nd one and asked why they sent me a bill for $135. They said that the bill was $20,000. Mom's insurance paid most of it, but the $135 was her portion. Mom had excellent insurance, so why all these damn bills? I had a feeling that more bills were going to come, so I asked, how many more bills do they plan to send? They asked am I power of attorney and I said yes, so they told me the hospital bill they want to collect in total comes out to $7000. God that makes me sick. Before I was angry that they totally ignored a medical problem. Her right shoulder kept coming out of its socket which caused disability and extreme pain. That never got addressed, which prevented mom from doing physical therapy because she couldn't grab onto her walker and put weight on her arms. I wasn't going to sue, but now that they are sending me these bills, I think they have some damn nerve. Now I want to sue them, plus add unreasonable attorneys fees.

Mom was in my life for 59 years and I'm close to only a handful of people. Due to the fact that mom was such a huge part of my life, I'm feeling the impact of loss at an intense level. I go through periods of peace, profound sadness and crying and a sense of doom. I expected another 5-8 years out of her and if it hadn't been for the fact that there were so many things wrong all at once, she could have pulled through. At university today there was an existential group counseling session for my Theories and Practices of Group Counseling class. I talked to one of the leaders of the group before class and she said she was nervous. I only know a little bit about existential philosophy. They like to keep things in the present and point out that people are often in their heads too much, which makes them miss out on the present. We did a practice session and both of us felt better afterwards and the group went very well. What happened was that the leaders and the group were simply present for me. They had us do a few deep breathing exercises and encouraged people to be present in the moment through this. I said that I was being realistic and wondered what I could have done differently. I could have done a lot of things differently, which brought feelings of regret. At the same time, I also did some positive things such as buy mom a smart phone and showed her how to watch episodes of Columbo on it to alleviate boredom. I bought a bunch of chocolate bunnies for her to give to the staff so the staff would feel appreciated. I took care of and managed her finances and her house, even though I'd never done that before. I was someone she could trust with her money and things. It's important to address issues head-on so that they don't fester in my mind. The last class of the day was cancelled again this week, so I got a bite to eat and then came home. Once I went through my mom's messages on her answering machine and had a business conversation regarding house and finances, I came back to my room and went online for a few minutes. After that, I was tired and decided to take a nap. Once asleep I had a weird dream. I was semi-aware of being in a dream state, but the dream was unpleasant. In the dream I was in a section of hell. It looked just like earth, but the spiritual darkness could be felt. I was at the devil's house and his name was Lou. I wasn't sure why I was there. I had a feeling that I had to walk on eggshells to navigate these people with extreme caution. For some reason, I had a hold of Lou's weed. For some reason I took a hit off of a joint, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do. I felt a sense of urgency and knew I needed to get the hell out of there. During the process of leaving, I talked to different friends of Lou, knowing I had to be careful with them. The dream was still going on, but I woke up to move to the bed and lie down to get some more sleep. The dream gave me an uneasy feeling.

AI interpretation:
Your dream is a fascinating blend of symbolism and emotions. Let’s explore some possible interpretations:

1. The Devil and Darkness:
   • Being in a section of hell represents inner turmoil or a challenging emotional state. It’s like confronting your own shadows.
   • The spiritual darkness you felt suggests a struggle with negative emotions, fears, or unresolved issues.
   • The devil, named Lou, embodies your inner conflicts, desires, or temptations. Lou could symbolize aspects of yourself that you find unsettling or difficult to face.
2. Walking on Eggshells:
   • Navigating with extreme caution indicates a delicate situation in your waking life. Perhaps you’re treading carefully in a relationship, work environment, or personal challenge.
   • The feeling of walking on eggshells implies fear of making a wrong move or upsetting someone.
3. Lou’s Weed and Taking a Hit:
   • Holding Lou’s weed could represent an association with something tempting or harmful. Weed often symbolizes altered states of consciousness or escapism.
   • Taking a hit despite not wanting to suggests inner conflict. You might be making choices against your better judgment due to external pressures or perceived urgency.
4. Talking to Lou’s Friends:
   • Conversing with Lou’s friends while being cautious reflects your interactions with people in your waking life. You’re aware that some relationships require careful handling.
   • These friends may represent different aspects of your social circle or inner psyche.
5. Uneasy Feeling and Waking Up:
   • The dream’s uneasy feeling likely mirrors real-life anxieties or unresolved issues.
   • Waking up and moving to bed symbolize a transition from the dream state to reality. It’s a chance to process and reflect on the dream’s messages.
6. Overall Interpretation:
   • Your dream invites you to explore hidden emotions, fears, and conflicts. Consider what aspects of your life or psyche resemble Lou’s house and the devil’s presence.
   • Reflect on situations where you feel pressured or conflicted. Are there choices you’re making against your true desires?
   • Use this dream as an opportunity for self-reflection and growth. Facing inner demons can lead to healing and transformation.

Remember that dream interpretations are highly personal. Trust your intuition and explore how these symbols resonate with your own experiences and emotions.

I sure did enjoy my dope when I was on it. I'm glad this harm reduction site is still around. I'm also glad I can look back on my journal entries when I was so fucked up. I'm 10 years clean and life can be so difficult. Still if I were still doing dope, I can only imagine life would be even more taxing than it already is. Mom was a part of my life for 59 years. She just died on the 7th of this month. It's super hard sometimes, but I'm grateful that when I got to work, the company cat ran into my arms. Whoever lived in this house that my company bought 9 years ago moved without taking their cat. I've been at this job for 5 years and I've grown to love this cat. I've always had a strong connection to cats. They are lovable, playful, feisty, and independent. They can spend time with me, but they can also do their own thing for a while. So, I'm glad that I was able to come to work without balling my eyes out with my mom passing away 2 days ago. It's so hard to believe she's gone. It's harder since she was a big part of my life. I'm in the poverty income level until I finish my second degree. This means I don't have the luxury of taking time off work or school either for that matter. I did take one day of school off and that was the day mom died. The water works comes and goes. I make sure I am at home alone in my room if I do start crying. Sometimes I can take my mind off it by watching a good movie on Netflix. Other times, I have to suffer with the pain. It hurts too because my mom's presence is all over that house and I won't be able to afford to live in it because I'm poor. I need a couple more years to earn a livable wage. I'm still waiting for my certification credentials. Everything takes so damn long to get done today. So now I'm kicking back on the company couch with the kitty.

So, I lost my mom unexpectedly yesterday. I was her only child and she had been a constant in my life, along with her house. Now she is gone and I'm feeling like I did when I was 19. I had burned my hand and it was exquisitely painful. I had to put my hand into a bowl of ice water which gave me relief until I removed it and then it started all over again. Now I'm trying to remember The Course that says none of this is real. This world isn't real. This life isn't real. If none of them are real, then this pain cannot be real.

So, I got a phone call early this morning from my aunt regarding my mom. Mom has been in a skilled nursing facility/rehab. Her health was critical Jan 29, then got a little better, but then turned to shit once again. Apparently, she had internal bleeding and septicemia which I'm assuming is what killed her. I went to the ER at the hospital and she was already unresponsive. Her eyes were open, but she wasn't blinking. Although she drove me crazy a great deal of the time, we were also very close as well. I'm an only child so I was all she had in terms of kids. She was 80 years old and most of her family and friends are dead. It was a shock that she died this morning. I expected another 5 years out of her, but that did not happen. In addition, I will lose the home I have shared with her on and off since 1977. This house and everything in it remind me of her, but mom had a huge income when she was working. I have never come close to her earning potential, which means even though she left the house to me, I can not afford a mortgage, homeowners, maintenance and property tax. Not even close. So, I will lose my childhood home since 1977. I dread the thought of renting an apartment with inflation as high as it is. In the 1990's I was paying $600-$700/mo for a one bedroom apartment. Where I live they now cost $3000/month. Even renting a room runs $1500. So, I'm hurt I lost my mom. I'm hurt I will lose the house and I'm hurt at the uncertainty of my future. She had some life left in her. It's such a tragedy that she's gone.

So, I am 59 now. I first came to BL in 2001. At that time, I was still a hardcore drug user and writing was my favorite pastime. Well now mom is 80 years old and she went downhill all at once. She is in a rehab/nursing home. It makes me very angry that she has to tolerate being incontinent, not being able to walk, plus reduced mental capacity. She was always a strong woman and a major go-getter. She was able to buy this half-acre home/lot that has been a part of my life since 1977. I never expected to own a home. This was due to low wages, drug use, and zero desire to deal with property tax, homeowners insurance, and house maintenance. So what happened was mom went downhill much too fast. I'm not sure if this illness will take her life or leave her permanently disabled, but now I'm the one in charge of the house. I got thrown into all of the responsibilities of this house, paying it's bills with no former training in how to do so. It's plain weird taking care of the house with no mom in sight. She's only 5 minutes away, but this has thrown me for a loop and made me sad. There is no way I will tolerate not being able to walk as well as having no control over my bodily functions. NA talks about living life on life's terms, but right now as far as I'm concerned it's terms are unfuckingacceptable. I will do the best I can to hold onto this house for mom, but I can't help thinking my time is coming up next. I figure I have another ten years left in me, and I'm fine with that. I'd rather die in ten years than be forced to deal with what mom is dealing with. I know this is a depressing post, but I had to get it out. I have to periodically fight the sadness that threatens to overtake me. I will probably share about this in my Narcotics Anonymous meeting tonight.

So, I was sitting in my Character and Conflict class last Tuesday afternoon. This class demands a great deal of soul searching and self-honesty. I have been a member of Narcotics Anonymous for ten years now and writing on my step work has already given me a great deal of practice. There was a lot of writing on Step 4, which many people dread. I was not one of them because I was anxious to know why I was always in a great deal of psychic pain when I was young. The professor put on a Miley Cyrus song at the beginning of class and asked us to listen to it. I've always been a classic rock and pop type of person, but the melody and the words took me back to when I was young. The professor asked for comments, so I told him that the song reminded me of why I felt the need to do so many drugs when I was young. I was constantly plagued with the idea that I was not thin enough, pretty enough, rich enough, smart enough (especially the thin and pretty). As I told the class this, I saw most of the young ladies nodding their heads. They have the same insecurities that I did back in the 80's, sadly enough. The next thing I said was, "If I could go back and talk to my 21 year old self, I would tell her, don't sweat the small stuff, honey. You are enough in every single way." And I was, but I was always the kind of girl that carried around an extra 15 pounds. Society said we must be thin in order to be beautiful, so I did a lot of speed so that I could have that kind of beauty. The thing is what young girls don't realize is that they already are beautiful as they are. I hope I got through to some of them. Sometimes I see that the more things change, the more they stay the same.

But we trying to find a better way.
Maybe heaven is a ghetto with no bad blocks and shangri-la dealers at every bus stop and
maybe god is a cop that we can fast talk
so if your guilty and you know it put your hands up
cause karma is just another word for bad luck
and what if death is just another pair of handcuffs.
Then I guess we better run....

Oh Ali. Wtf happened here. I love you. I really do.

I'm closer to 70 than 60 and have been a high-functioning recreational drug user for close to 50 years. I've maintained my health and managed daily cannabis and quarterly psychedelics pretty damned well, but I'm on my own in respect to the latter these days. Besides dying, the few old-timers left in my orbit have scaled back smoking weed to preserve their lungs and won't use edibles/extracts etc. because it mongs them out too much for too long. Mention a few grams of shrooms and they aren't keen at all anymore. Acid, mescaline and molly the same. My partner (same age) has recently signalled she won't come tripping with me anymore for various reasons, which I'm completely down with, btw.
So here I am. I make no secret of taking these substances recreationally for the sheer pleasure and spectacle of it all and don't feel the slightest bit inclined to stop just because I'm getting-on in years. At the same time, I'm becoming more aware of how isolated I'm becoming taking 6-8 hours solo out of a calendar-day experiencing a blast I can't share or discuss with much enthusiasm.
Life otherwise goes on and we deal with the day-to-day of it all, but that feeling of breaking through and going where straight people don't is a treat I enjoy 3 or 4 times a year and probably need to keep me centred. I don't want that kernel of 'regret' to fester in my subconscious and ambush me somewhere down the line, but I feel like the rot is setting in. I've only had one negative experience involving way too much shroom which took some effort to ride-out, but it also taught me how much negative ideas or worries, even small ones, can be amplified and really fuck-up a good time.
I'm just about due another journey and have plenty enough shrooms to go anytime, but I can't shake the idea that I'm being greedy blocking out time to travel to the exclusion of everything else. I know my partner gets a bit concerned and feels excluded to a degree, but she would never say as much. So, there it is. Are there any other hold-outs facing the same dilemma? Do I have to finally grow-up like my kids keep saying and fade my 50 years of counter-life to black?

You know what love fast die young is a dumb fucking mantra. It should say live fast for as long as you possibly can. Stretch that shit for as long as you can. I'm 36 still living the life. Going hard doing wtf I want. Happy. So it's doable. I feel sorry for my friends who died young. They missed out.

So, I got a text from my half-sister saying that our "dad" died. I wrote, "You mean your dad?" We always called him Tony, but never dad. She wrote, "Our bio dad Tony." She came across as if she was really sad and I'm like wtf? He had 4 of us, all by different moms and he never did a damn thing for any one of us, never mind child support. So why are my half-siblings acting as if they lost their best friend? He never did jack shit. I mean, he did agree to meet with me in 1996 for which I'm grateful because I had questions that only he could answer. All of us were raised by stepfathers or were adopted and even though some of them were bad dads, they were still our dads not Tony. My sis posted on Facebook acting like she had a relationship with him. I didn't say anything, but again thought WTF? I wish him no ill will, but I don't get why my half-siblings are making such a fuss. One of my half-brothers is rich and famous and like me doesn't think much of Tony and refused to meet him. Tony tried to meet him by showing up at a coffee shop he knew he frequented, but my half-brother told him to keep on walking.

Been two days since I last vaped it feels freeing and relieving. I still feel somewhat depressed and unmotivated and uninspired without it but I do have 2mg lozenges so won't be going cold turkey as planned anytime soon but my levels must be far lower than when I was vaping incessantly I hardly want to use a lozenge more than once an hour every couple even still on the first one from last night

Won't report back on this unless I start vaping or finally ween myself off for at least a couple weeks

Symptoms seem ignorable today yesterday bad mood swings and temper it's nothing but a walk in the park with all these other buzzes going perhaps lol vaping cannabis, drinking kratom, couple other light ones my goodness haha

I gotta get away from disposable vapes. It causes more pain than enjoyment at this point. I got a 2.4% pod a little while ago dropping by half from the previous levels going to try to go cold turkey when it dies.

Pot and alcohol sedate me so when I use them I also go in for a disposable vape.

This is getting to be torture though and I feel like I am being used by it.

I feel so much lighter, at ease, and vigorous when I am off the stuff.

Report back when getting ready to pull the plug this is but a festering pestering nasty facet of a long and complicated process halting a life destroying poly substance problem.

can someone tell me if mt posts are public

So I missed the first six years of the site and I used to feel somewhat left behind by that. Funny in retrospect I now find myself one of the oldest active users. I got my crew tag which is very cool. People check on me when I leave for awhile thank you herbivore. I feel the love. I even had sebastiansghost write me a very lovely pm when I turned in my mod stick. That was cool. I've met some really great people over my two decades here. Seen some wild stuff. From .nu to .ru to .org. lost a few friends along the way I still feel the hole in my life. I have been able to practice what I preach in my real world life I tapered my now fiance off alcohol based on what I learned here. I owe this site a debt of gratitude I don't think I would of made it to 34 without it's influence. So here is too the future I don't know what it holds but I look at the new mods continuing our old traditions and that is really cool. Just remember "you can always take more but you can't ever take less"

YO AHHH THIS SHIT STILL LIVE!?! WASSUUPP BLUELIGHTT!!

btw....what tf did this used to be called? didnt it have some different name than blogs back in the day? i swear it was something else and we all used to write here and share our crazy stories and doped up poetry...

i miss posting here. been a long time. HELLOOO FROM JERSEY XOXO