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These cravings aren't so bad. This pleasure seeking behavior is subsiding. I have other pleasures to pursue.
My love 'M'. New experiences of wholesome family life. Future dreams. Togetherness. New 'firsts'. Education.
I am id, but id can be positive pleasure as opposed to self-destructive, self-seeking, negative pursuits.
Its time to re-pattern my 'natural' instincts and delve into REAL pleasures that last.
I am id but id isn't necessarily bad.
My love 'M'. New experiences of wholesome family life. Future dreams. Togetherness. New 'firsts'. Education.
I am id, but id can be positive pleasure as opposed to self-destructive, self-seeking, negative pursuits.
Its time to re-pattern my 'natural' instincts and delve into REAL pleasures that last.
I am id but id isn't necessarily bad.
I went to the Mon night NA meeting and I was glad I did. Mom, MaryAnn, and Marla at NA knew there was something wrong with me, but I've dealt with depressive episodes my entire life. The best thing for me to do is accept them, write about them, then they are dealt with. It's amazing what the power of acceptance can do. When you want or don't want something badly enough and you've done everything in your power to make it happen or to stop it, that's all that can be done. Therefore there is no point tripping on the results. Easier said than done sometimes, but it occured to me that as upset as I was about not having much money and not being able to go on vacation, buy the things I want or need, hey I did have a sports car. That's another thing you have to do when you're depressed. Fine one or many things to be grateful for. I had a good night off last night. Mary Ann and Marla said I looked like I needed a hug and they gave them to me. I didn't want to say what was bothering me because sometimes at NA meetings the best thing to do is listen. At least I'm not longer the raging dope fiend that I was and even though I miss parts of that life at times, memories out of nowhere will come back to haunt me. Getting over emotional more times than I care to remember for example, miscalculating and taking too many pain pills barely able to walk or slurring my words so horribly I swear it's amazing that company didn't fire my ass. Anyway I'm trying to be grateful for the shit I do have so I feel better today. I'll be off to work the swing shift in a couple hours.
*i had a massage at a women's bathhouse/spa type place last night. it was awesome and i want to go back. the sauna and steam room made my skin all soft 
*i do not understand people who seek permission from their SO to do mundane things. i know the boundaries of my relationship without constantly needing to check with james.
*insecure girls confuse me. most of my coworkers seek constant validation from their SOs. and flip out if they don't get a text from their SO every few hours.
*wedding vendors annoy the hell out of me. so does dress shopping.
*a long weekend in cleveland is not a vacation, tho its needed to take care of the above issues.
*i prolly should write my papers instead of random thoughts
*which would mean i should also stop playing lexulous.
*i do not understand people who seek permission from their SO to do mundane things. i know the boundaries of my relationship without constantly needing to check with james.
*insecure girls confuse me. most of my coworkers seek constant validation from their SOs. and flip out if they don't get a text from their SO every few hours.
*wedding vendors annoy the hell out of me. so does dress shopping.
*a long weekend in cleveland is not a vacation, tho its needed to take care of the above issues.
*i prolly should write my papers instead of random thoughts
*which would mean i should also stop playing lexulous.
Bluelighting started as I was just looking for legal highs. Later I found the drug that I just couldn't get enough of, loved the feeling of happiness it gave me, Tramadol. I know a lot of people hate it here but it just worked for me. That first high blew my mind. Oh the money I've spent, likely around $1000. Uh makes me almost sick to think about it, but hell thats in like a year or two so I guess not too bad. Now I'm off it. I lost the last shipment and didn't have a job and the bf didn't like that I was on it. I knew he just had my best interest at heart, once he heard how bad the w.ds could be and how sick I would get on it sometimes, he was set against it.
Now and then I'll pop 3x the dose I need of Fioricet with codeine. But my body doesn't like coming off those barbs after 4-5 days. Just makes me sick. Plus there isn't much to the script, and I do have legit reasons for having it. I use too much and then I don't have it when I need it.
I look back and I see Xanax dependent, knocking myself out all the time no matter what the problem. Came off that after rehab and they wouldn't let me have ANY substances of abuse. I was angry because I do have an anxiety disorder. Now, I get k-pins. I've gotten 1 high from them and didn't like it. It was like being overtired and what not and unable to do anything. Guess I don't like it anymore. I can manage without it, but until I get into therapy its easier to manage the disorder with the drugs.
Oh the wonder of weed. I loved that stuff. Still would likely do it if I ran into it. I destressed, I ate, I slept...the only problem was it was illegal and when my mom found it a few times, she had enough and told me how it was going to be. I quit.
The fall from grace that was Soma and Tramadol. Fuck. So stupid. Cost me a job I liked and rumors of a serious drug problem and child abuse. Damn. Soma was strange. Some days it would work and other days it wouldn't. High dose before work and bam, blackout. Just a sudden decline in functioning. I'm amazed I didn't lose my job then. A good story and current health problems I guess. Lost it later to just a sober mistake in judgement...
Times of my mom knowing I was fucked up on a whole gram of Tramadol. Enough that I'm throwing up. I just was chasing a high.
BL has seen many sides of me. A depressed self loathing individual with seemingly no reason to live. To the healthier person I am now with medication and determination to take control of my own life. A person that at times, actually likes herself. Although I'm not perfect, sadness and depression still get me sometimes and I still lack a lot of the skills to deal with it. But the thoughts of suicide are now gone, not returning even at the low points. A comfort and a miracle. Any dr that has done that for me, may happiness be their own in life, for the gift that have been able to give me.
Medication is simply a guessing game. But those of thought and understand guess more right than wrong...
BL has seen the falling away of the abusive ex Iraq boyfriend. The heartache and the hope that he would return. The realization of the abuse, the position I put myself in, the time lost, the tears wasted and the rise to strength.
At times I still miss him, the good times before the abuse and when he still loved me. I almost cried today. I suppose once you truly love someone with everything you have...its hard to let go, and who knows if you can ever stop loving them.
But I have also moved on. TO a bf that cares about me, never would abuse me, has my best interest in mind. No, he isn't perfect, far from. He had made his own mistakes and sadly just messed up his life worse than I managed to mess up my own. But together we are better, stronger, leaning on each other and holding each other up in times of trial.
He was there before the medication was able to take hold, helping me to stay here and hold out. He has been able to witness the change in me and see me happy. Who knew that I would ACTUALLY be happy! Although he is well aware of all the issues just below the surface that occasionally rear their ugly head.
Today, I'm in school still chasing my dream of psychology and just my gift of being able to help people. I can read those around me and when I'm not overcome by my own problems are able to make a difference in the lives of those around me. People are now able to see the person under all the depression and self hated. A kind person who seeks to help others and can be a joy to be around.
Sure I need to change my sleep patterns, need to get rid of the barbs, need to get into therapy and work on coping skills and relationship paranoia. Need to gain some freaking weight. I don't think there is a eating disorder really present but rather an adaptation. I sleep I don't eat. I didn't eat so my stomach doesn't make me feel hungry...although I don't lack issues with food completely. I had my moments. I noticed the other day that I weigh more in 7th grade than I do now and thats not healthy. 94 pounds is not cool. I'm thinking perhaps its time to look as some possible medical causes.
Now and then I'll pop 3x the dose I need of Fioricet with codeine. But my body doesn't like coming off those barbs after 4-5 days. Just makes me sick. Plus there isn't much to the script, and I do have legit reasons for having it. I use too much and then I don't have it when I need it.
I look back and I see Xanax dependent, knocking myself out all the time no matter what the problem. Came off that after rehab and they wouldn't let me have ANY substances of abuse. I was angry because I do have an anxiety disorder. Now, I get k-pins. I've gotten 1 high from them and didn't like it. It was like being overtired and what not and unable to do anything. Guess I don't like it anymore. I can manage without it, but until I get into therapy its easier to manage the disorder with the drugs.
Oh the wonder of weed. I loved that stuff. Still would likely do it if I ran into it. I destressed, I ate, I slept...the only problem was it was illegal and when my mom found it a few times, she had enough and told me how it was going to be. I quit.
The fall from grace that was Soma and Tramadol. Fuck. So stupid. Cost me a job I liked and rumors of a serious drug problem and child abuse. Damn. Soma was strange. Some days it would work and other days it wouldn't. High dose before work and bam, blackout. Just a sudden decline in functioning. I'm amazed I didn't lose my job then. A good story and current health problems I guess. Lost it later to just a sober mistake in judgement...
Times of my mom knowing I was fucked up on a whole gram of Tramadol. Enough that I'm throwing up. I just was chasing a high.
BL has seen many sides of me. A depressed self loathing individual with seemingly no reason to live. To the healthier person I am now with medication and determination to take control of my own life. A person that at times, actually likes herself. Although I'm not perfect, sadness and depression still get me sometimes and I still lack a lot of the skills to deal with it. But the thoughts of suicide are now gone, not returning even at the low points. A comfort and a miracle. Any dr that has done that for me, may happiness be their own in life, for the gift that have been able to give me.
Medication is simply a guessing game. But those of thought and understand guess more right than wrong...
BL has seen the falling away of the abusive ex Iraq boyfriend. The heartache and the hope that he would return. The realization of the abuse, the position I put myself in, the time lost, the tears wasted and the rise to strength.
At times I still miss him, the good times before the abuse and when he still loved me. I almost cried today. I suppose once you truly love someone with everything you have...its hard to let go, and who knows if you can ever stop loving them.
But I have also moved on. TO a bf that cares about me, never would abuse me, has my best interest in mind. No, he isn't perfect, far from. He had made his own mistakes and sadly just messed up his life worse than I managed to mess up my own. But together we are better, stronger, leaning on each other and holding each other up in times of trial.
He was there before the medication was able to take hold, helping me to stay here and hold out. He has been able to witness the change in me and see me happy. Who knew that I would ACTUALLY be happy! Although he is well aware of all the issues just below the surface that occasionally rear their ugly head.
Today, I'm in school still chasing my dream of psychology and just my gift of being able to help people. I can read those around me and when I'm not overcome by my own problems are able to make a difference in the lives of those around me. People are now able to see the person under all the depression and self hated. A kind person who seeks to help others and can be a joy to be around.
Sure I need to change my sleep patterns, need to get rid of the barbs, need to get into therapy and work on coping skills and relationship paranoia. Need to gain some freaking weight. I don't think there is a eating disorder really present but rather an adaptation. I sleep I don't eat. I didn't eat so my stomach doesn't make me feel hungry...although I don't lack issues with food completely. I had my moments. I noticed the other day that I weigh more in 7th grade than I do now and thats not healthy. 94 pounds is not cool. I'm thinking perhaps its time to look as some possible medical causes.
This is my first entry, and rather than ranting about my past i will just start by typing about the present. Basically all i would have to say about my past is the few hospitalizations and rehabs iv been to in order to get away from the drugs, but needless to say i always end up right back where i started, but not as bad or intense as the original problem i suppose. But that leads me to what i have been thinking about today. for a while i was sure i was done with the downers but it turned into being down on the downers everyday again. i have no job, i lost my car so i don't have money to be spending on the opiates when i feel like i have definitely developed a problem again. today is one of the few days i in a couple weeks that i have not been able to get an OC or Perk due to not having money. this leaves me extremely irritated trying to think of all the possible ways i could make money. i hate the fact that im back to feeling like i need some sort of drug just to get me through the day. i feel bad because my friends and family have gone through so much to help me with my drug problems, but i am carrying on my life fine. well i guess that's easy to say now since its only been a couple weeks that im doing opiates almost every day again. the urges that i am getting to steal things in order to make money is horrible because im really not the type of person to fuck other people over. i refrain from stealing things right now but what if things get worse in the weeks to come? I NEED MONEY. tomorrow i am going to return my photography book in order to hopefully get enough money to throw down on half an 80. which
is sad that i have decided to fail class that i have paid to take just for 40 mg of an oc. pathetic. im pathetic. why is this happening again? Its very sad that the reason i feel like i need to get a new job is to be able to support my opiate habit. 
well im going to go figure out how i could get money so i can skip class and get high tonight =] later.
is sad that i have decided to fail class that i have paid to take just for 40 mg of an oc. pathetic. im pathetic. why is this happening again? Its very sad that the reason i feel like i need to get a new job is to be able to support my opiate habit. well im going to go figure out how i could get money so i can skip class and get high tonight =] later.
I had a good night at work last night, but got depressed as soon as I came home. It’s this damn mail. I fucking HATE the mail, because it brings tidings of bad news, YOU OWE ANOTHER BILL. Sigh. I’m not even gonna deal with it now. I’ll sleep during the day, then I’ll be up all night and deal with it then. I sure as fuck don’t have an extra $400 lying around to pay for this crap lab work. I’m frustrated because I’m not buying stupid bullshit that’s causing me to go into debt, but other crap like probation, student loan people, now the lab bill, fuck I’m tired of it. I got a little serenity back at work last night. I’m broke and I asked God, “How the fuck am I supposed to get help with my issues without money?” Ibogaine sounded like a good deal because it could show me past lives, get me unhooked from tramadol, maybe get my damn head straight with food. Mushrooms never helped me with addiction, but they gave me insights into myself.
I don’t make a lot of money, so I’m limited until I get another job and I don’t know when that’s gonna be. I’m doing the best that I can though and as for the tramadol, I’m going down from 4 pills a day to 3 on Friday. I will stay on 3 a day for a month instead of a week, then see how I feel on 2. I’d rather do it this way then to have to go through another 2-3 months feeling like absolute crap again, as I did recently. I’ve not been eating simply when I feel like it, only when I have to. For now I’ve given up on that crap. I’ll never be beautiful again, I just don’t give a fuck. That’s my depression talking because I feel it now, like there’s no hope. I’m sick and tired of the same stupid issues day in and day out. That’s why I wanted the therapy, to at least try. So there it is. The purpose of writing about it is supposed to help take some of the power out of it. That done, I’m turning this shit over to God. I can only do so much and I’m doing the best I can, and in spite of that if nothing happens then fuck it.
I don’t make a lot of money, so I’m limited until I get another job and I don’t know when that’s gonna be. I’m doing the best that I can though and as for the tramadol, I’m going down from 4 pills a day to 3 on Friday. I will stay on 3 a day for a month instead of a week, then see how I feel on 2. I’d rather do it this way then to have to go through another 2-3 months feeling like absolute crap again, as I did recently. I’ve not been eating simply when I feel like it, only when I have to. For now I’ve given up on that crap. I’ll never be beautiful again, I just don’t give a fuck. That’s my depression talking because I feel it now, like there’s no hope. I’m sick and tired of the same stupid issues day in and day out. That’s why I wanted the therapy, to at least try. So there it is. The purpose of writing about it is supposed to help take some of the power out of it. That done, I’m turning this shit over to God. I can only do so much and I’m doing the best I can, and in spite of that if nothing happens then fuck it.
Today is still Saturday, March 7th, 2009 and it is now 4:42 AM here in the Philippines.
CONTINUATION...
So, I take my Pegasys (Interferon) as a SC (subcutaneous) injection, every Thursday morning. the syrettes are preloaded, and have to be kept cold, which presents a problem if the electricity goes out, and so we always have to maintain vigliance.
The biggest problem is the blood work. Aside from the usual Viral Loads, etc. there are some serious side effects like anemia which need to be kept in check.
There are some very capable blood labs here, although on more northern islands. However, none that have any experience whatsoever with HCV (Hep-C). So, every 3 weeks I am to ship 3 vials of blood via FedEx which is no mean feat! First I need all the permits to ship HazMat, as well as all the other nonsense, then have to go to Butuan (1.5 hours) to use the FedEx contracor , nd so on and so forth. I get my results back via the internet beause of the obvious epxense.
It costs me 140 US for each shipment of blood.
I have Genome III, which is not usually found in the US, but common in the Mid-East where I contracted it. I am not sure exactly when I caught it, but it had to be during one of my two war wounds, so before I was 18. I am now 42, and ergo have had it for 24 years!
Genome III has an 80% cure rate, and so I am doing my best. If I even push down my viral load I will be satisfied. I do not even begin to hope for a total cure!
I had just began getting scarring on my liver before I left to come home after the summer. I also have Fatty Liver which is common with Genome III, and the treatment should also address that.
It is not sexual transmitable, so it has not impacted my lif ein any great way, except it has at times made me over-tired but I am well disciplined (thank you IDF!) ad manage to carry on.
I was diagnosed in 1991, 2 years or so after they first dicsovered the disease. Prior to its discovery it was labeled "Hep Non-A, Non-B." I had gotten ready to leave active suty in the army and on my blood workup I was diagnosed. I received a form letter and I was terrified knowing it meant a serious condition. When I read the letter i was laughing because I had already caught Hep-A, in the field.
Hep-A is from fecal matter and of course in th army you drink all kinds of nasty water, eat nasty foods. I had Dysentery at least twice, mumps, and a few diseases they could not accurately diagnosed. the god thing is that once you contract Hep-A you are ever after immune.
Hep-B is from bodily fluids and I have never contracted that one, but did undergo the tiple vaccination for it which supposeldy leaves me immune.
Today we sent my blood sample, which will be given a sensitive test for accurate Viral Load, and which will tell us hether or not it will be able to cure me. again, I am not hoping but at the very least it istill a positive move (the meds).
One of the big side effects from the meds is depression. I have never had depression, but I have been feeling blue over the last week or two, mostly over Rizza. I do not want to get into it because it is not easy to talk about but I do question myself alot.
We Jews do not believe in romantic love, and yet we do believ in "Soul Mates." We believe that before G-D created humans HE created every soul that will ever exist on Earth. HE then divided each soul into male and female halves. Ever after, sometimes taking multiple lives, these halves seek one another out, and when they unite it is true love!
How can we not believe in love but believe in that compeltely fufillment? Perhaps saying we do not believe in love is inaccurate. We believe "love" is not "bells and whistles" but the bond that grows after long cohabitacion, enduring life's many trials and riasing children together.
Still, we know love does exist, as it did with our ancestors like King David. He killed for love!I believe love exists! Yet I do not think I have ever truly felt it and I am 42! I have lived an extremely colourful and varied life, but for what? Anyway, enough blah and besides, if Mom Or Rizza read this I will have hell to pay but what good is a Blog if I cannot be open with it, yes?
I found some videos on Youtube, showing my village that I will post in case anybody ever gets curious about what it really looks like. I know that I have been promising new pics for a while but I procastinate so much. At least i found the videso, ighT?
www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozKQU_FfPug
It is a quick 30 odd second clip on the main drag in the village (Roxas is the name of the street but that is it, not Roxas Ave, etc., jut "Roxas"). It shows the new Jollibee we got last year, that I have talked about (our equivalent to a McDonals although McDonals does have sites here as well albeit with localised menus. Mmmmm mmm good! RICE BURGERS yikes...). If one was able to look towards the left from Jollibee they would see our store "Summer Rain" which I have talked about. It is the one now run by Uncle Leo but first run by Dad and Mom when they gt married. Rizza was born in back of that store!
Have a great clip, 8 minutes long that shows the MILF anfd the army, without taking sides, the first 4 minutes are still shots but the last half is combat footage from Mindanao.
The 2 songs are local, with the second song being a smash hit that was used last year for an even more opular rap song.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=gowsU7xweUE
The last clip I wished to post is having problems with the url so I will have to get to it next entry (yes, I know you are SO disappointed), it is kind of aggravating (to me). An anti-Ilaga propaganda piece by al Jazeera, anti-Bisaya, anti-Illongo and so forth. Total bullshit but interesting footage none the less.
I will close on that note...
CONTINUATION...
So, I take my Pegasys (Interferon) as a SC (subcutaneous) injection, every Thursday morning. the syrettes are preloaded, and have to be kept cold, which presents a problem if the electricity goes out, and so we always have to maintain vigliance.
The biggest problem is the blood work. Aside from the usual Viral Loads, etc. there are some serious side effects like anemia which need to be kept in check.
There are some very capable blood labs here, although on more northern islands. However, none that have any experience whatsoever with HCV (Hep-C). So, every 3 weeks I am to ship 3 vials of blood via FedEx which is no mean feat! First I need all the permits to ship HazMat, as well as all the other nonsense, then have to go to Butuan (1.5 hours) to use the FedEx contracor , nd so on and so forth. I get my results back via the internet beause of the obvious epxense.
It costs me 140 US for each shipment of blood.
I have Genome III, which is not usually found in the US, but common in the Mid-East where I contracted it. I am not sure exactly when I caught it, but it had to be during one of my two war wounds, so before I was 18. I am now 42, and ergo have had it for 24 years!
Genome III has an 80% cure rate, and so I am doing my best. If I even push down my viral load I will be satisfied. I do not even begin to hope for a total cure!
I had just began getting scarring on my liver before I left to come home after the summer. I also have Fatty Liver which is common with Genome III, and the treatment should also address that.
It is not sexual transmitable, so it has not impacted my lif ein any great way, except it has at times made me over-tired but I am well disciplined (thank you IDF!) ad manage to carry on.
I was diagnosed in 1991, 2 years or so after they first dicsovered the disease. Prior to its discovery it was labeled "Hep Non-A, Non-B." I had gotten ready to leave active suty in the army and on my blood workup I was diagnosed. I received a form letter and I was terrified knowing it meant a serious condition. When I read the letter i was laughing because I had already caught Hep-A, in the field.
Hep-A is from fecal matter and of course in th army you drink all kinds of nasty water, eat nasty foods. I had Dysentery at least twice, mumps, and a few diseases they could not accurately diagnosed. the god thing is that once you contract Hep-A you are ever after immune.
Hep-B is from bodily fluids and I have never contracted that one, but did undergo the tiple vaccination for it which supposeldy leaves me immune.
Today we sent my blood sample, which will be given a sensitive test for accurate Viral Load, and which will tell us hether or not it will be able to cure me. again, I am not hoping but at the very least it istill a positive move (the meds).
One of the big side effects from the meds is depression. I have never had depression, but I have been feeling blue over the last week or two, mostly over Rizza. I do not want to get into it because it is not easy to talk about but I do question myself alot.
We Jews do not believe in romantic love, and yet we do believ in "Soul Mates." We believe that before G-D created humans HE created every soul that will ever exist on Earth. HE then divided each soul into male and female halves. Ever after, sometimes taking multiple lives, these halves seek one another out, and when they unite it is true love!
How can we not believe in love but believe in that compeltely fufillment? Perhaps saying we do not believe in love is inaccurate. We believe "love" is not "bells and whistles" but the bond that grows after long cohabitacion, enduring life's many trials and riasing children together.
Still, we know love does exist, as it did with our ancestors like King David. He killed for love!I believe love exists! Yet I do not think I have ever truly felt it and I am 42! I have lived an extremely colourful and varied life, but for what? Anyway, enough blah and besides, if Mom Or Rizza read this I will have hell to pay but what good is a Blog if I cannot be open with it, yes?
I found some videos on Youtube, showing my village that I will post in case anybody ever gets curious about what it really looks like. I know that I have been promising new pics for a while but I procastinate so much. At least i found the videso, ighT?
www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozKQU_FfPug
It is a quick 30 odd second clip on the main drag in the village (Roxas is the name of the street but that is it, not Roxas Ave, etc., jut "Roxas"). It shows the new Jollibee we got last year, that I have talked about (our equivalent to a McDonals although McDonals does have sites here as well albeit with localised menus. Mmmmm mmm good! RICE BURGERS yikes...). If one was able to look towards the left from Jollibee they would see our store "Summer Rain" which I have talked about. It is the one now run by Uncle Leo but first run by Dad and Mom when they gt married. Rizza was born in back of that store!
Have a great clip, 8 minutes long that shows the MILF anfd the army, without taking sides, the first 4 minutes are still shots but the last half is combat footage from Mindanao.
The 2 songs are local, with the second song being a smash hit that was used last year for an even more opular rap song.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=gowsU7xweUE
The last clip I wished to post is having problems with the url so I will have to get to it next entry (yes, I know you are SO disappointed), it is kind of aggravating (to me). An anti-Ilaga propaganda piece by al Jazeera, anti-Bisaya, anti-Illongo and so forth. Total bullshit but interesting footage none the less.
I will close on that note...
I was disappointed to find out that the stuff Erik ordered is probably not gonna work, unless 20-100 grams are taken at once. I’m very green on this damn drug, but apparently, there are all these types and the best bet is to find a site that sells 98% ibogaine as opposed to root bark or root powder, and I forget the last kind. Anyone reading this that has no idea what the fuck I’m talking about, check out this site:
http://www.ibogaine.desk.nl/tours.html
Another good site to check out is:
www.erowid.com
Just type in the name of the drug you wanna know about, it's chemical compound, it's history, what it's used for, and people's personal experiences are there for you.
Interesting to read about if nothing else. Now I know of this site that sells in Canada, but 1. they don’t ship to the US and 2. even if they did, I sure as fuck don’t have six hundred fucking dollars lying around. It’s bullshit that people with no money can’t get help, but whatever. It would take me a long time to save up that kind of money and when I do, I guess I’ll have them send it to Erik in Van. I need to talk to him and find out what the fuck we’re going to do.
My family and my sponsor know about the fact I’m hooked on ultram, even though I’m slowly tapering. As far as they’re concerned I’m clean because ultram isn’t a “real” drug. They’re right in the sense that my life certainly isn’t the unmanageable mess it was while I was practicing real drugs, although I know other NA members would say I’m not really clean. Honestly, what anyone thinks isn’t really an issue with me, the important thing is that I’m doing something about it.
Ibogaine would have detoxed me off this shit a lot faster than doing it by slowly tapering and I’d be done with the w/d’s. As it is now, I’m okay, but I don’t feel particularly good and sociable for about 6 hrs prior to my daily dose. I finally got over this damn cold I’ve had for 10 days (seeming like 10 forevers) but Friday after the meeting, I had to tell Jeff that I felt like crap and sorry, but instead of going out after the meeting every Friday like we always do, I had to bug out.
“Sorry bro, but I’m gonna have to go home and sleep before work.” He looked very disappointed and said, “You haven’t been yourself at all lately.” He’s right. The last I don’t know, 4 months or so I’ve felt not right. My lab results were good, so all this time when I thought my Hep C or diabetes were flaring up, it was a simple case of w/ds all along. I felt like crap for 2 months and got chronic fatigue all the time after cutting my ultram from 10 pills a day to 5, but like I said opiate w/ds usually include insomnia, not hypersomnia! Whatever, I hate to think Erik lost money on the stuff he did get. I hope we can find a way to get the real stuff, but if not I can only do the next best thing, mushrooms. I put in an order of them with Dave. He gave me this big shit eating grin and taunted, “Tanya’s going off the wagon! Tanya’s going off the wagon!” “This isn’t for recreational purposes, it’s for therapy. Ever heard of ibogaine?,” I asked. “No,” he said. “I’ll send you some info about it online, but my friend and I have a problem and we want help.”
Mushrooms always did put me through to higher levels of consciousness. If I can’t get ibogaine, they are the next best thing. I’ve done everything I can, now all I can do is wait. You know it’s frustrating, because as I told my Mom, even in active addiction, I NEVER spent more than $300 at one time for drugs. The times I did spend even that much were rare occasions when I found a kick ass source that only charged $300 for ¼ oz of some quality meth, but that was a rare occurrence.
Usually I spent $70-$140 a week on meth depending on whether I wanted a 1/16th or an 8 ball. The point is that illicit drugs were affordable, but unfortunately ibogaine and even non drug related shit I dug like white water rafting, sky diving, and sports cars were unattainable to me because of the cost. So if some normies wonder why people like me wasted so much money on drugs, it’s because they were the poor people’s thrills in a syringe.
Wanna fly? Wanna raft? Wanna race? There it is affordable, compact, and all ready to go. So, that’s that.
I was going through some journal entries and I saw someone got a stern lecture from spork saying you can't talk shit about people. I assumed she met fellow BL'ers because otherwise if I got in trouble every time someone pissed me off, I wrote about it, and she read about it, hell my ass would have been carved up with a pen knife ages ago, lol.
I saw too someone got edited for either asking for drugs or pushing them, but any time I see edited entries, I have to admit it makes me want to know what the fuck was written, kind of like how D.H. Lawrence's book Lady Chatterly's Lover was banned in the US during the 50's because of it's explicit sexual descriptions of (at the time) unlawful oral copulation considered lewd and lascivious. Next thing you know, people ordered the books like hotcakes from France. Did you know how the Rolling Stones song Lady Jane got its
title? In the book Lady Chatterly's Lover, the game keeper called his mistresses vagina "Lady Jane." He called named his penis Sir Thomas, so of course when I was high on meth 7 years ago, I picked out a yahoo ID called, "Lady_Jane_Loves_Sir_Thomas." People sometimes asked me in, but does Sir Thomas love Lady Jane? Judging from the world's population, I'd say indeed he does. Only one person caught the reference and knew what my scandalous on line name really meant though, an ex English teacher, haha.
http://www.ibogaine.desk.nl/tours.html
Another good site to check out is:
www.erowid.com
Just type in the name of the drug you wanna know about, it's chemical compound, it's history, what it's used for, and people's personal experiences are there for you.
Interesting to read about if nothing else. Now I know of this site that sells in Canada, but 1. they don’t ship to the US and 2. even if they did, I sure as fuck don’t have six hundred fucking dollars lying around. It’s bullshit that people with no money can’t get help, but whatever. It would take me a long time to save up that kind of money and when I do, I guess I’ll have them send it to Erik in Van. I need to talk to him and find out what the fuck we’re going to do.
My family and my sponsor know about the fact I’m hooked on ultram, even though I’m slowly tapering. As far as they’re concerned I’m clean because ultram isn’t a “real” drug. They’re right in the sense that my life certainly isn’t the unmanageable mess it was while I was practicing real drugs, although I know other NA members would say I’m not really clean. Honestly, what anyone thinks isn’t really an issue with me, the important thing is that I’m doing something about it.
Ibogaine would have detoxed me off this shit a lot faster than doing it by slowly tapering and I’d be done with the w/d’s. As it is now, I’m okay, but I don’t feel particularly good and sociable for about 6 hrs prior to my daily dose. I finally got over this damn cold I’ve had for 10 days (seeming like 10 forevers) but Friday after the meeting, I had to tell Jeff that I felt like crap and sorry, but instead of going out after the meeting every Friday like we always do, I had to bug out.
“Sorry bro, but I’m gonna have to go home and sleep before work.” He looked very disappointed and said, “You haven’t been yourself at all lately.” He’s right. The last I don’t know, 4 months or so I’ve felt not right. My lab results were good, so all this time when I thought my Hep C or diabetes were flaring up, it was a simple case of w/ds all along. I felt like crap for 2 months and got chronic fatigue all the time after cutting my ultram from 10 pills a day to 5, but like I said opiate w/ds usually include insomnia, not hypersomnia! Whatever, I hate to think Erik lost money on the stuff he did get. I hope we can find a way to get the real stuff, but if not I can only do the next best thing, mushrooms. I put in an order of them with Dave. He gave me this big shit eating grin and taunted, “Tanya’s going off the wagon! Tanya’s going off the wagon!” “This isn’t for recreational purposes, it’s for therapy. Ever heard of ibogaine?,” I asked. “No,” he said. “I’ll send you some info about it online, but my friend and I have a problem and we want help.”
Mushrooms always did put me through to higher levels of consciousness. If I can’t get ibogaine, they are the next best thing. I’ve done everything I can, now all I can do is wait. You know it’s frustrating, because as I told my Mom, even in active addiction, I NEVER spent more than $300 at one time for drugs. The times I did spend even that much were rare occasions when I found a kick ass source that only charged $300 for ¼ oz of some quality meth, but that was a rare occurrence.
Usually I spent $70-$140 a week on meth depending on whether I wanted a 1/16th or an 8 ball. The point is that illicit drugs were affordable, but unfortunately ibogaine and even non drug related shit I dug like white water rafting, sky diving, and sports cars were unattainable to me because of the cost. So if some normies wonder why people like me wasted so much money on drugs, it’s because they were the poor people’s thrills in a syringe.
Wanna fly? Wanna raft? Wanna race? There it is affordable, compact, and all ready to go. So, that’s that.
I was going through some journal entries and I saw someone got a stern lecture from spork saying you can't talk shit about people. I assumed she met fellow BL'ers because otherwise if I got in trouble every time someone pissed me off, I wrote about it, and she read about it, hell my ass would have been carved up with a pen knife ages ago, lol.
I saw too someone got edited for either asking for drugs or pushing them, but any time I see edited entries, I have to admit it makes me want to know what the fuck was written, kind of like how D.H. Lawrence's book Lady Chatterly's Lover was banned in the US during the 50's because of it's explicit sexual descriptions of (at the time) unlawful oral copulation considered lewd and lascivious. Next thing you know, people ordered the books like hotcakes from France. Did you know how the Rolling Stones song Lady Jane got its
title? In the book Lady Chatterly's Lover, the game keeper called his mistresses vagina "Lady Jane." He called named his penis Sir Thomas, so of course when I was high on meth 7 years ago, I picked out a yahoo ID called, "Lady_Jane_Loves_Sir_Thomas." People sometimes asked me in, but does Sir Thomas love Lady Jane? Judging from the world's population, I'd say indeed he does. Only one person caught the reference and knew what my scandalous on line name really meant though, an ex English teacher, haha.
Had an impromptu gathering last night. Started as one friend, then three. By 9:00, we numbered nine. Beer pong, general goofing off, and finished the night off with some American Idol on the Wii. I laughed so hard I had tears rolling down my face. Went to bed after (the new) 4:00. I woke up a few hours later feeling like I had the fucking flu or something. Miserable. I drugged myself and went back to sleep for a few more hours. Now, I feel groggy and like spending the whole day on the couch in pjs, but we have an unfortunate obligation this evening.
D is going to meet Matisyahu in a bit. He's in town for Phish and made arrangements with D's dad's temple to borrow a torah so he could have his own services. D doesn't care to meet him, but his dad seemed excited to offer it and he's taking his brother and his brother's friend. I have no interest in going. Maybe it'd be cool to shake his hand, get a picture or something, but because of his religious beliefs, he doesn't touch female fans. 8) I dreamed last night that I did go and he gave me VIP tix for Phish tonight. I told D to ask... haha.
My brother leaves for basic training tonight, hence the obligation, a going away party at my parents. He's getting on my nerves a lot lately so I kind of wish he'd just go already so I can have four months of peace. The latest... he's decided to get another tattoo. An "original" (his description) phoenix half-sleeve that he offered to show me on the internet. Bah. His first is across his upper back, a cross and angel wings with a bible verse. It's hideous anyway, which pains me because I love tattoos, but more importantly, the book of the bible is misspelled. This fact he only within the last day FINALLY admitted because I refused to back down when he again claimed, but could show no evidence, that it's the original Hebrew spelling. *sigh*
School is on Spring Break this week, but internet students don't get it. I have a big assignment due next weekend. In fact, I have a big assignment due most every weekend. Grad school is kicking my ass. I'm hanging in there, but I'll be soooo glad when it's over.
D is going to meet Matisyahu in a bit. He's in town for Phish and made arrangements with D's dad's temple to borrow a torah so he could have his own services. D doesn't care to meet him, but his dad seemed excited to offer it and he's taking his brother and his brother's friend. I have no interest in going. Maybe it'd be cool to shake his hand, get a picture or something, but because of his religious beliefs, he doesn't touch female fans. 8) I dreamed last night that I did go and he gave me VIP tix for Phish tonight. I told D to ask... haha.
My brother leaves for basic training tonight, hence the obligation, a going away party at my parents. He's getting on my nerves a lot lately so I kind of wish he'd just go already so I can have four months of peace. The latest... he's decided to get another tattoo. An "original" (his description) phoenix half-sleeve that he offered to show me on the internet. Bah. His first is across his upper back, a cross and angel wings with a bible verse. It's hideous anyway, which pains me because I love tattoos, but more importantly, the book of the bible is misspelled. This fact he only within the last day FINALLY admitted because I refused to back down when he again claimed, but could show no evidence, that it's the original Hebrew spelling. *sigh*
School is on Spring Break this week, but internet students don't get it. I have a big assignment due next weekend. In fact, I have a big assignment due most every weekend. Grad school is kicking my ass. I'm hanging in there, but I'll be soooo glad when it's over.
Since I am not very romantic or sexual, and have no interest in having a man (or woman) for more than one night or so, I place my loyalties on my friends. Friendship is as important to me as romantic relationships are to other people - they are the top priority in my life besides my career and spiritual paths in life.
Lately I have been realizing that some of my friends are not good people. Some of those that I am really close to step all over me, take credit for things that I've done myself, and use me only for the resources I have. A good example is this: my cat pissed on the floor upstairs, and my roommate threw her outside and wouldn't let her back in. Cat's been missing for two weeks. That is animal cruelty! And my roommate knew how much Eleanor meant to me, but he/she just doesn't care. I am angry about that. Another example: I am throwing the rave next weekend, with a little help from the rest of the StarCatchers crew. But some people in the crew has been telling everyone that Tabby is throwing it, so I feel that I'm not getting the credit I deserve. I feel resentful about that. Another roommate keeps saying that the house is "my property", the bathroom upstairs is "my property", everything is his/her property and it makes me feel like I don't even live here, like I'm just a guest.
To keep the peace in the house, and in my community, I've repressed my anger at incidents like this. Some people would say that I should just cut off the people that do things like this to me, but it's complicated - there are things that I gain from being associated with them too. Namely, a solid reputation and some local fame. I do admit that I love positive attention and seek it out. But there's something that's always true no matter what group I'm in: I never get the chance to shine. I am always in the background, the true force in making something happen, but never getting real credit for it. I am like the shadow behind someone else's sun; they use me for the support I give, but in the end it's all about them. I feel like one of those women in history who were the driving forces behind their husband's famous activities, but the husband got all the credit and reputation.
I guess what I want is to be equal to others. I don't want to outshine anyone, but I don't want to be outshined by anyone either. I want people to treat my property and companions (like my cat) with respect. I want friends who don't talk shit about other people, because people who talk shit on others will eventually turn against me - I learned that lesson with my former roommate. I want friends who admit their mistakes, who give me credit I deserve, who don't take proverbial ownership of the house we all live in, who don't tell me they love me all the time and then walk all over me.
Here's a good proverb: ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. I don't care if you say you love me, pay me compliments... that means nothing to me. I am a very critical person and I need people to PROVE their friendship to me - that means treating me with more respect than I have been treated lately. I just don't know how to assert myself, I am so scared of losing friends and opportunities through those friends, that I just can't bring myself to say anything. Even when my cat went missing, I never let on how much my respect for said roommate dropped. When someone said that Tabby was throwing the rave, I kept my mouth shut. When my roommate talks about "my property" I keep my mouth shut. I don't know what to say that won't end up in drama - I want to avoid drama at all costs.
Well the first step is moving out into my own apartment. I will have my own space, my property (to an extent, as even homeowners are subject to outside rule regarding their homes, renters are subject to even more outside rule). I can distance myself from certain friends, and maybe I will get up the courage to say how I really feel because I won't have to worry about seeing them every day and having it be awkward. But maybe I am just really, really critical, I see faults in everyone and it annoys me so much. I feel like I know how to treat people VERY well, and if I can do it everyone else should be able to as well.
Lately I have been realizing that some of my friends are not good people. Some of those that I am really close to step all over me, take credit for things that I've done myself, and use me only for the resources I have. A good example is this: my cat pissed on the floor upstairs, and my roommate threw her outside and wouldn't let her back in. Cat's been missing for two weeks. That is animal cruelty! And my roommate knew how much Eleanor meant to me, but he/she just doesn't care. I am angry about that. Another example: I am throwing the rave next weekend, with a little help from the rest of the StarCatchers crew. But some people in the crew has been telling everyone that Tabby is throwing it, so I feel that I'm not getting the credit I deserve. I feel resentful about that. Another roommate keeps saying that the house is "my property", the bathroom upstairs is "my property", everything is his/her property and it makes me feel like I don't even live here, like I'm just a guest.
To keep the peace in the house, and in my community, I've repressed my anger at incidents like this. Some people would say that I should just cut off the people that do things like this to me, but it's complicated - there are things that I gain from being associated with them too. Namely, a solid reputation and some local fame. I do admit that I love positive attention and seek it out. But there's something that's always true no matter what group I'm in: I never get the chance to shine. I am always in the background, the true force in making something happen, but never getting real credit for it. I am like the shadow behind someone else's sun; they use me for the support I give, but in the end it's all about them. I feel like one of those women in history who were the driving forces behind their husband's famous activities, but the husband got all the credit and reputation.
I guess what I want is to be equal to others. I don't want to outshine anyone, but I don't want to be outshined by anyone either. I want people to treat my property and companions (like my cat) with respect. I want friends who don't talk shit about other people, because people who talk shit on others will eventually turn against me - I learned that lesson with my former roommate. I want friends who admit their mistakes, who give me credit I deserve, who don't take proverbial ownership of the house we all live in, who don't tell me they love me all the time and then walk all over me.
Here's a good proverb: ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. I don't care if you say you love me, pay me compliments... that means nothing to me. I am a very critical person and I need people to PROVE their friendship to me - that means treating me with more respect than I have been treated lately. I just don't know how to assert myself, I am so scared of losing friends and opportunities through those friends, that I just can't bring myself to say anything. Even when my cat went missing, I never let on how much my respect for said roommate dropped. When someone said that Tabby was throwing the rave, I kept my mouth shut. When my roommate talks about "my property" I keep my mouth shut. I don't know what to say that won't end up in drama - I want to avoid drama at all costs.
Well the first step is moving out into my own apartment. I will have my own space, my property (to an extent, as even homeowners are subject to outside rule regarding their homes, renters are subject to even more outside rule). I can distance myself from certain friends, and maybe I will get up the courage to say how I really feel because I won't have to worry about seeing them every day and having it be awkward. But maybe I am just really, really critical, I see faults in everyone and it annoys me so much. I feel like I know how to treat people VERY well, and if I can do it everyone else should be able to as well.
Cocaine....
It's so far like a more dizzying and purer feeling MDMA. more itnense ins ome times but at the same time very like....comes in waves of intense pleasiure
jaw sore
feel like a zombie
feel great in the limbs
3 lines done (1+1+1 in a matter of ann hour,
1 gram
first line: eh.
Second line: getting theren gettingn wavy feelings of randiness
third line: let's see.
so much shit on my deesk, hair's etc...please clean where you cut and snort coke ew >.<
paranoid - heard a weird sound, scoped out the house.
onto the third line.
(mouth really really dry each line)
'
"line anxiety" - cut tghe lines a lot, cleaned out aforementioned hair, typing here..happened on every line...why?
after a few snorts its harder to get coke up my nose, feels like i have a head cold and can barely breathe thru my nose
drip isn't bad. tastes bitter at first, but that is very short lived, and is replaced by nice numbing form the coke
haven't yet felt like running around the block or like im invincible
maybe next time ill take half of a gram and blow it, 250 in each nostril and go 500 at once?
only done it a few times recently, and many years ago
It's so far like a more dizzying and purer feeling MDMA. more itnense ins ome times but at the same time very like....comes in waves of intense pleasiure
jaw sore
feel like a zombie
feel great in the limbs
3 lines done (1+1+1 in a matter of ann hour,
1 gram
first line: eh.
Second line: getting theren gettingn wavy feelings of randiness
third line: let's see.
so much shit on my deesk, hair's etc...please clean where you cut and snort coke ew >.<
paranoid - heard a weird sound, scoped out the house.
onto the third line.
(mouth really really dry each line)
'
"line anxiety" - cut tghe lines a lot, cleaned out aforementioned hair, typing here..happened on every line...why?
after a few snorts its harder to get coke up my nose, feels like i have a head cold and can barely breathe thru my nose
drip isn't bad. tastes bitter at first, but that is very short lived, and is replaced by nice numbing form the coke
haven't yet felt like running around the block or like im invincible
maybe next time ill take half of a gram and blow it, 250 in each nostril and go 500 at once?
only done it a few times recently, and many years ago
I'd really like to shake this guy's hand. If it's his job to make my portfolio get more and more fucked every time his finance guy says or doesn't say something, then he's doing a fantastic job. Yeah, yeah, yeah - I voted for him because I'm sick of living in a shitty country where people steal my fucking laptops and die on the streets or in jail. And I do believe that in 16 years or so we may see some of that change if Obama is able to get at least a single fucking person on the other side of the table to talk to him, our captain bi-partisan change master. Really great job. Why don't you do us all a favor and slow the fuck down. You have a stimulus package that's going to be re-written 1,000 times before anyone on the republican side will swallow it - yet you release the fucking thing like it's ready to be published after like a month in office. I'm with you, "my man," on all of the great stuff you want to do but for christ sake if you keep ignoring wall street and let things slide like this for more than another few months without even trying to pander to these guys, a lot of the little people are going to stop giving a shit about your rhetoric. Why? Because we fucking invest, you cocksucker. Now pull a rabbit out of your hat. Friday would be nice - take a nap and wake up an hour before the market opens, fucktard, and say something. We have no information. No fundamentals. No nothing. Talk, you dick, and talk fast.
Maryann told me how proud she is of me when I came home from work this morning. It's always great to hear that, although I only hope that when my shipment of iboga comes in, bless my baby's lovely Aryan heart, I end up detoxed from this goddamned tramadol for good. Even though I'm tapering VERY slowly this time around, I find it MOST unpleasant particularly 6 hrs before my next dose is due and I hate how these w/d's make me feel. I had been down to 1/2 pill a day + supplements to cut the w/d's, but even with the supplements I felt intense lower back and bone pain. So one day I took 2 or 3 pills, the pain went away almost immediately, then got hooked right back into this damned dance. The funny thing is I don't remember my REAL Rx painkillers being this bad most of the time.
I guess there's different types of iboga, some worthless, others strong, but I won't find out until I get it. Fingers crossed that it works for me. I so want to be done with the tramadol and the fucked up dance with food and weight. So, I've chalked it up to if it's meant to work out for me it will and if the stuff turns out to be bogus, then I'll have to suffer detoxing the slow way.. As for the food, I don't know. If this doesn't work, I'm very tempted to do something drastic, but for now all I can do is wait. As for my sweet Kupid, I hope God blesses him with freedom from this horrible methadone. I pray that it will. I still have intense emotions tied up with my drug of choice I haven't touched in over 2 years. From reports that I've read, iboga helps free people from intense, stored up emotions. I can only go by how LSD and mushrooms were, and shrooms could be very intense and take me to a deeper levels of conscienceness. I want to be rid of my demons once and for all.
I guess there's different types of iboga, some worthless, others strong, but I won't find out until I get it. Fingers crossed that it works for me. I so want to be done with the tramadol and the fucked up dance with food and weight. So, I've chalked it up to if it's meant to work out for me it will and if the stuff turns out to be bogus, then I'll have to suffer detoxing the slow way.
. As for the food, I don't know. If this doesn't work, I'm very tempted to do something drastic, but for now all I can do is wait. As for my sweet Kupid, I hope God blesses him with freedom from this horrible methadone. I pray that it will. I still have intense emotions tied up with my drug of choice I haven't touched in over 2 years. From reports that I've read, iboga helps free people from intense, stored up emotions. I can only go by how LSD and mushrooms were, and shrooms could be very intense and take me to a deeper levels of conscienceness. I want to be rid of my demons once and for all.
Moving into a huge house with my partner and having the beginning of the life that seemed impossible only a few short months ago is making me happy!
I sat down and had a think about what I really wanted from this life and it hasn't changed since I was a kid, just the general outlook on achieving that life dimmed in recent years.
Crackheads, crackheads, crackheads. If I kept using to the level I once was. I would eventually die from it after messing up my life and that of my family. If I kept in physical contact around friends wheo were not friends but merely dickheads or crackheads then I would never be happy.
My life as it is now is dickhead free. Moving onwards and upwards from the dregs of society has actually been hard though. I don't think too much about previous relationships I have had, friendships that fizzled as they were unhealthy, I think about the good people that have come and gone then come back into my life now I have straightened up.
My best friends from Perth are playing a role again, they are over the moon about my health and my circumstances and I am feeling that I can once again resume being a top shelf mate to my buddies over there.
My Melbourne crew, well, the ones that have kept off the gear are in constant contact and have babies on the way, new houses, life in going ahead. I talk still to those who are using and dealing but its not the same, I don't see them to score anymore so its kinda fizzled out. But I would never drop them, even Jay who is doing okay.
My ex husband is going well, we spoke recently. After 10 years together and a horrible property dispute and acrimonious split- it took time for us to appreciate each other again. He is a great guy, I hope he is happy in his world.
Ben, you are so precious to me. Our home will be filled with love and laughter and the love I feel enveloping me from you so far away right now- is so warm and soft. I wish you were here with me now, but I will see you next weekend for a booty call!!!
SO FUCKING HAPPY!!!!
I sat down and had a think about what I really wanted from this life and it hasn't changed since I was a kid, just the general outlook on achieving that life dimmed in recent years.
Crackheads, crackheads, crackheads. If I kept using to the level I once was. I would eventually die from it after messing up my life and that of my family. If I kept in physical contact around friends wheo were not friends but merely dickheads or crackheads then I would never be happy.
My life as it is now is dickhead free. Moving onwards and upwards from the dregs of society has actually been hard though. I don't think too much about previous relationships I have had, friendships that fizzled as they were unhealthy, I think about the good people that have come and gone then come back into my life now I have straightened up.
My best friends from Perth are playing a role again, they are over the moon about my health and my circumstances and I am feeling that I can once again resume being a top shelf mate to my buddies over there.
My Melbourne crew, well, the ones that have kept off the gear are in constant contact and have babies on the way, new houses, life in going ahead. I talk still to those who are using and dealing but its not the same, I don't see them to score anymore so its kinda fizzled out. But I would never drop them, even Jay who is doing okay.
My ex husband is going well, we spoke recently. After 10 years together and a horrible property dispute and acrimonious split- it took time for us to appreciate each other again. He is a great guy, I hope he is happy in his world.
Ben, you are so precious to me. Our home will be filled with love and laughter and the love I feel enveloping me from you so far away right now- is so warm and soft. I wish you were here with me now, but I will see you next weekend for a booty call!!!
SO FUCKING HAPPY!!!!
As I write this, two things are happening.
First I am finally actually getting clean off Tramadol, not just tapering down to a "safe" dose. I am now on 50mg/day and can stop any time suffering only minimal withdrawal, having been in almost continuous mild withdrawal for the past month as I tapered down from a sustained dose of 800mg/day. I am very happy to say that I managed to counter the withdrawal's bad effects with either studying (everything), or taking inspiration from the teachings of The Buddha.
The second thing happening is that I am finishing up things in Thailand. Thanks to my new phone getting lost, I don't even need to say goodbye to anyone... not that I have anyone besides Vegan to say goodbye to... which is ironic, since I had at least 30 contacts in my phone, most of which were Thai. Tells you just how fruitful are relationships with the Thai...
That said though, the combination of the above two have granted me a brand new, shiny lense through which to view Thailand: that of Compassion. Irony strikes again. As I started preparing to leave a month ago, I have become MUCH more tolerant to Thailand in general. It seems I have coincidentally reached the final phase of culture-shock at the very end of my stay. I still did not forget any of the mistreatments I have received, and will continue to warn fellow travellers about the nasties of Thailand - but all the bitterness has gone away. There is no hatefulness left - just memories of a cynical outlook. Now I go through the days with a smile, perhaps content with the knowledge that I am leaving soon - and for once, leaving off to realize one of my lifelong dreams: visiting India.
I do not remember the last time I've ever been so happy (naturally). I feel a glowing joy surrounding me all the time now. I am really looking forward to my India trip, and shall start a new blog just for it
I leave on the morning of the 10th, landing in Kolkata (Calcutta). From there, assuming all paperwork and permits gets done, I leave east to Bangladesh. Going through Bangladesh is just an alternative to going north through West Bengal. I won't be spending any significant time in the country (in fact, I'm going to try for a transit visa). The idea is just to experience a less familiar side of the subcontinent. Besides, it's for bragging rights
.
From Northwest Bangladesh, I exit and head to Darjeeling. Assuming I got a Sikkim Permit back in Kolkatta, I head to Sikkim for a few days. From there I head west to Nepal. (Note that, basically, I have not been to India by then).
After exploring Nepal, I head back down to Varanasi. That will be my first true taste of India, as I plan to spend some time there. From Varanasi, I somehow make it to Srinagar or Ladakh or McLeod Ganj or Amritsar. One of those will be my base, and from it I'd likely visit the other. The point is that the majority of my time in India will be spent in the far northwest.
There are also two prospects that depend entirely on money, time, weather, and - most importantly - politics. These are Kerala and Sri Lanka in the south, and Pakistan to the east.
I'd DIE (literally - I don't care about security threats) to see Northern Pakistan. However, visiting there is very contingent on the above factors. Such a shame, as I would have actually made Pakistan my base for this trip in a better world...
Stay put for a new blog, published by "A Large Barge with a Radio Antenna Tower on it." as my blogs are collectively titled.*
* A cookie for whoever catches the reference!
First I am finally actually getting clean off Tramadol, not just tapering down to a "safe" dose. I am now on 50mg/day and can stop any time suffering only minimal withdrawal, having been in almost continuous mild withdrawal for the past month as I tapered down from a sustained dose of 800mg/day. I am very happy to say that I managed to counter the withdrawal's bad effects with either studying (everything), or taking inspiration from the teachings of The Buddha.
The second thing happening is that I am finishing up things in Thailand. Thanks to my new phone getting lost, I don't even need to say goodbye to anyone... not that I have anyone besides Vegan to say goodbye to... which is ironic, since I had at least 30 contacts in my phone, most of which were Thai. Tells you just how fruitful are relationships with the Thai...
That said though, the combination of the above two have granted me a brand new, shiny lense through which to view Thailand: that of Compassion. Irony strikes again. As I started preparing to leave a month ago, I have become MUCH more tolerant to Thailand in general. It seems I have coincidentally reached the final phase of culture-shock at the very end of my stay. I still did not forget any of the mistreatments I have received, and will continue to warn fellow travellers about the nasties of Thailand - but all the bitterness has gone away. There is no hatefulness left - just memories of a cynical outlook. Now I go through the days with a smile, perhaps content with the knowledge that I am leaving soon - and for once, leaving off to realize one of my lifelong dreams: visiting India.
I do not remember the last time I've ever been so happy (naturally). I feel a glowing joy surrounding me all the time now. I am really looking forward to my India trip, and shall start a new blog just for it
I leave on the morning of the 10th, landing in Kolkata (Calcutta). From there, assuming all paperwork and permits gets done, I leave east to Bangladesh. Going through Bangladesh is just an alternative to going north through West Bengal. I won't be spending any significant time in the country (in fact, I'm going to try for a transit visa). The idea is just to experience a less familiar side of the subcontinent. Besides, it's for bragging rights
. From Northwest Bangladesh, I exit and head to Darjeeling. Assuming I got a Sikkim Permit back in Kolkatta, I head to Sikkim for a few days. From there I head west to Nepal. (Note that, basically, I have not been to India by then
). After exploring Nepal, I head back down to Varanasi. That will be my first true taste of India, as I plan to spend some time there. From Varanasi, I somehow make it to Srinagar or Ladakh or McLeod Ganj or Amritsar. One of those will be my base, and from it I'd likely visit the other. The point is that the majority of my time in India will be spent in the far northwest.
There are also two prospects that depend entirely on money, time, weather, and - most importantly - politics. These are Kerala and Sri Lanka in the south, and Pakistan to the east.
I'd DIE (literally - I don't care about security threats) to see Northern Pakistan. However, visiting there is very contingent on the above factors. Such a shame, as I would have actually made Pakistan my base for this trip in a better world...
Stay put for a new blog, published by "A Large Barge with a Radio Antenna Tower on it." as my blogs are collectively titled
.** A cookie for whoever catches the reference!
Today is Saturday, March 7th, 2009 and it is now 3:27 AM here in the Philippines.
In terms of music, I have been listening to a couple of the dozens of "Buddha Bar" compliation CDs I have. "Buddha Bar" is a famous chain that began in Paris, with Asian Fusion cusine, which I enjoy, but the like some hotels and resturants, they became just as famous (perhaps more so) for the music they played. Chillout with a World Music edge.
A favourite song of mine was included in the Ministry of Sound (another compliation series I love) Buddha Bar double CD set, that came in a red velvet commemorative case. I still have the case although the lettering has since faded. A great song on that particular complication is the , suprisingly Deepak Chopra and Demi Moore single, "Desire."
Chopra of course is the New Age MD and author who is fond of using poorly translated midevil Arabic poetry as his own, and Demi is of course the artlet who is married to Ashton Kutchner (I believe married ).
Sounds like bollocks from the idea, but it actually comes off very, very well no doubt due to the great instrumental backing it.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=tVgMyj3nKyw
"A lover asked his beloved, 'Do you love yourself more than you love me?' The lover replied, 'I have died to myself and I live for you'..."
I have not been watching a whole lot of TV. I should be taking advantage of it after all, with the attempts on the Power Barge at Nasapit, perhaps I will no longer have the option to do so for much longer. It is all the more ironic given the history here. We have cable now, courtesy of PhilCom, a cable and phone system that operates in the southern islands, and which has just been bought by an American corporation.
Until the late 90s we did not even have TV, since the 2 stations that operated in Davao City do not make it through the mountains, nor did the one channel in Butuan, etc. Things happened very rapidly here. We got landline phone service, cable TV and then cellular phone service all within 18 months of ne another and then within a year we got National Hiway paved!!!
Prior to the paving, the 90 odd klick drive from Butuan could take 7 hours in dry season! in monsoon season it might take an entire day depending on washouts, etc. People still almost universall have SUVs, and dirt bikes when having motor cycles.
PhilCom is not bad for cable, although theit computer service sucks terribly! DSL was a nightmare, and then in 2008 we finally got broadband. Now we have 2 accounts in the compound. We have local broadband for most things, and the AT and T Worldplan for business, and some of my correspodance. I no longer need to use an Anonymyser which cuts out one more headache.
Channel wise, I enjoy the Aussie channels the most, I love "All Saints," the Aussie equivalent to America;s "ER," although much more laid back. I love the middle aged MD with the earring who has a morphine addiction! Gee, wonder why?
1 channel we do not have, and which I miss
terribly, is the US channel, "Cartoon Network." I admit that I was very slow to catch on but on my last trip to the US I truly got into its "adult Swim," the adult themed cartoons and animation that they boradcast between Midnite and 6 AM.
My favourite show on Swim is "Tim and Eric Awesome Show" which I have shown clips from in earlier entries here, and Robot Chicken, of which I will link to a very shot but intensely amusing clip here....
www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDRa9I-NwDY
Still into the Apocrypha. Today I have been reading some of the various "Wisdom" Apocrypha. There are Solomon, Ezra, even Jesus. The best known is "Proverbs," which is part of the Jewish and Christian Canons. Most though have been omitted so that most Christians, and many Jews have no knowledge of the books. I have been reading "Wisdom of Solomon," which is rather interesting really.
Verse 11 is probably my favourite. I will offer it in English:
"Do not talk needlessly, which results in naught. Control yourself from insulting or gossping to and of a person. The mouth that moves needlessly imperils one's soul."
"Wisdom of Solomon" is a collection similar proverbs, some similar to those found in the Book of Proverbs while others are completely different.
Here at the compound, Dad has now arrived in Compostela up on Cebu, at his father's house. He will be returning with Rizza and probablly my 2nd eldest bro-in-law Nigel who is finishing his nusing Degree, as Rizza is finishing 1/3rd of hers (time flies).
Nusring (RN) BS takes 3 years in the Philippines, which is faster than generally found in N. America. I am suprised at hos Rizza has taken to it. When she got her Computer Science degree it seemed as if it was an exercise in futility.
Strangely she had been going on and on and on about becoming a Patient Care Attendant which in the West, and in Israel is an incredibly menial job. We all thought she was crazy and before I left for the US in 4/2008 we had left the conversation as an impasse. I had been trying to convice her to take on Nursing if she wanted to help people. Why become the labourer for a nurse when you can more easily become the nurse!?
After I had been in the US a couple of weeks she asked me if she could go up to our other home in Cebu. she said her nanny would accompany and stay with her and so I said fine, but no PCA courses!
She suprised me again when she informed me that she had registered at Southwestern University for a Nursing Science degree. I was extremely happy with her.
She is extremely insecure and so I correctly believed that the schooling would help instill confidence while also broadening her horizons. I do not know that she will ever really use her degree although it is good that hse has the knowledge and skills because of all our labourers' and families that depend on us.
There is no medical care at all for these people. We have all kinds of dangers here. Anything from Cobra and scorpion bites , to landmine injuries, to a plethora of illnesses.
There is a govt. hospital in Propesperidad, the provincial capital, but like almost all hospitals here they offer no real services to speak of. in most hospitals you will not even see a doctor unless you pay an estimated bill enirely up front and they are often extremely expensive by local standards.
The result is a total, or near total lack of healthcare for the poor who of course make up the bulk of society here.
I spoke in my latest "Blood and Guts" entry about the daughter of a Davao City NPA CO being kidnapped. Sadly, she was found dead this morning so it is seems it was Ilaga who killed her. I believe her father was not too bright when he named her "Rebelyn" (sic) as in "Rebellion." That is a death sentence waiting to happen!
Ilaga (Rats) made their bones by batling Muslims but in our part of Mindanao they mostly battle Communists. We have 4 Ilaga groups in and around us, plus 6 Bagani, pro-govt. Lumad (Tribals) paramilitaries.
Bagani usually only have the CAFGU weaponry, WWII and Korrea era Garland bolt rifles, while Ilaga have more efficient weaponry.
I have seriously been considering funding and creating my own paramilitary here, either myself or in conjunction with 3 other land holders (2 being family members). There is a form of CAFGU that is entirely privately funded and who have much greater freedom in operating.
The problem with that though is that it will seriously up the ante as for my and my family's safety. If I even begin moving in that direction I will be place don th NPA List, not to mention perhaps creating other enemies.
The private paras are officialy called
Special CAFGU Active Auxillaries.
It is a huge decison, with alot of local responsibility as well as alot of personal danger for me and mine so it must be considered very carefully. I suppose , like every other land holder here I already have a private para, although un-sanctioned (though blessed) by the govt. If I get into SCAFGUAA it would simply mean more coordination with the licit authorities, as well as making my men submit to a bootcamp under AFP (govt) soldiers.
However, officialy linking to the govt. places me diametrically opposed to the Objectives of the NPA et al. While we uneasily coexist with the organiation, and I am sure have employees who are actual members (as does every employer here), it would be entirely different.
My morphine intake is holding at 440 mgs per day, 220 in my AM dose, and 220 in the evening. I am still waiting until they stary distributing hydromorphone downhere, as well as the bupernorphine transdermal patches that were approved.
I am busying myself with my goat farming venture. I will start with 60 females, as soon as the out buildings are constructed, and we will break ground next week barring any unforseen circumstances. I will have it close to home, since I will be so heavily involved in the start up.
I have been struggling with the effectsof my other medications. One of the main reasons (other than changing out capital currency to the Euro and assets to gold) I went to the US in 2008 was to obtain Hepatitis-C medication. I brought it back with me and began my regimen 5 weeks ago. I am on Pegylated Interferon-A (Pegasys) and 1200 mgs of Ribarin tablets (sometimes capsules) in 2 doses of 600 each.
I will continue soon because of the character count...
In terms of music, I have been listening to a couple of the dozens of "Buddha Bar" compliation CDs I have. "Buddha Bar" is a famous chain that began in Paris, with Asian Fusion cusine, which I enjoy, but the like some hotels and resturants, they became just as famous (perhaps more so) for the music they played. Chillout with a World Music edge.
A favourite song of mine was included in the Ministry of Sound (another compliation series I love) Buddha Bar double CD set, that came in a red velvet commemorative case. I still have the case although the lettering has since faded. A great song on that particular complication is the , suprisingly Deepak Chopra and Demi Moore single, "Desire."
Chopra of course is the New Age MD and author who is fond of using poorly translated midevil Arabic poetry as his own, and Demi is of course the artlet who is married to Ashton Kutchner (I believe married ).
Sounds like bollocks from the idea, but it actually comes off very, very well no doubt due to the great instrumental backing it.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=tVgMyj3nKyw
"A lover asked his beloved, 'Do you love yourself more than you love me?' The lover replied, 'I have died to myself and I live for you'..."
I have not been watching a whole lot of TV. I should be taking advantage of it after all, with the attempts on the Power Barge at Nasapit, perhaps I will no longer have the option to do so for much longer. It is all the more ironic given the history here. We have cable now, courtesy of PhilCom, a cable and phone system that operates in the southern islands, and which has just been bought by an American corporation.
Until the late 90s we did not even have TV, since the 2 stations that operated in Davao City do not make it through the mountains, nor did the one channel in Butuan, etc. Things happened very rapidly here. We got landline phone service, cable TV and then cellular phone service all within 18 months of ne another and then within a year we got National Hiway paved!!!
Prior to the paving, the 90 odd klick drive from Butuan could take 7 hours in dry season! in monsoon season it might take an entire day depending on washouts, etc. People still almost universall have SUVs, and dirt bikes when having motor cycles.
PhilCom is not bad for cable, although theit computer service sucks terribly! DSL was a nightmare, and then in 2008 we finally got broadband. Now we have 2 accounts in the compound. We have local broadband for most things, and the AT and T Worldplan for business, and some of my correspodance. I no longer need to use an Anonymyser which cuts out one more headache.
Channel wise, I enjoy the Aussie channels the most, I love "All Saints," the Aussie equivalent to America;s "ER," although much more laid back. I love the middle aged MD with the earring who has a morphine addiction! Gee, wonder why?
1 channel we do not have, and which I miss
terribly, is the US channel, "Cartoon Network." I admit that I was very slow to catch on but on my last trip to the US I truly got into its "adult Swim," the adult themed cartoons and animation that they boradcast between Midnite and 6 AM.
My favourite show on Swim is "Tim and Eric Awesome Show" which I have shown clips from in earlier entries here, and Robot Chicken, of which I will link to a very shot but intensely amusing clip here....
www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDRa9I-NwDY
Still into the Apocrypha. Today I have been reading some of the various "Wisdom" Apocrypha. There are Solomon, Ezra, even Jesus. The best known is "Proverbs," which is part of the Jewish and Christian Canons. Most though have been omitted so that most Christians, and many Jews have no knowledge of the books. I have been reading "Wisdom of Solomon," which is rather interesting really.
Verse 11 is probably my favourite. I will offer it in English:
"Do not talk needlessly, which results in naught. Control yourself from insulting or gossping to and of a person. The mouth that moves needlessly imperils one's soul."
"Wisdom of Solomon" is a collection similar proverbs, some similar to those found in the Book of Proverbs while others are completely different.
Here at the compound, Dad has now arrived in Compostela up on Cebu, at his father's house. He will be returning with Rizza and probablly my 2nd eldest bro-in-law Nigel who is finishing his nusing Degree, as Rizza is finishing 1/3rd of hers (time flies).
Nusring (RN) BS takes 3 years in the Philippines, which is faster than generally found in N. America. I am suprised at hos Rizza has taken to it. When she got her Computer Science degree it seemed as if it was an exercise in futility.
Strangely she had been going on and on and on about becoming a Patient Care Attendant which in the West, and in Israel is an incredibly menial job. We all thought she was crazy and before I left for the US in 4/2008 we had left the conversation as an impasse. I had been trying to convice her to take on Nursing if she wanted to help people. Why become the labourer for a nurse when you can more easily become the nurse!?
After I had been in the US a couple of weeks she asked me if she could go up to our other home in Cebu. she said her nanny would accompany and stay with her and so I said fine, but no PCA courses!
She suprised me again when she informed me that she had registered at Southwestern University for a Nursing Science degree. I was extremely happy with her.
She is extremely insecure and so I correctly believed that the schooling would help instill confidence while also broadening her horizons. I do not know that she will ever really use her degree although it is good that hse has the knowledge and skills because of all our labourers' and families that depend on us.
There is no medical care at all for these people. We have all kinds of dangers here. Anything from Cobra and scorpion bites , to landmine injuries, to a plethora of illnesses.
There is a govt. hospital in Propesperidad, the provincial capital, but like almost all hospitals here they offer no real services to speak of. in most hospitals you will not even see a doctor unless you pay an estimated bill enirely up front and they are often extremely expensive by local standards.
The result is a total, or near total lack of healthcare for the poor who of course make up the bulk of society here.
I spoke in my latest "Blood and Guts" entry about the daughter of a Davao City NPA CO being kidnapped. Sadly, she was found dead this morning so it is seems it was Ilaga who killed her. I believe her father was not too bright when he named her "Rebelyn" (sic) as in "Rebellion." That is a death sentence waiting to happen!
Ilaga (Rats) made their bones by batling Muslims but in our part of Mindanao they mostly battle Communists. We have 4 Ilaga groups in and around us, plus 6 Bagani, pro-govt. Lumad (Tribals) paramilitaries.
Bagani usually only have the CAFGU weaponry, WWII and Korrea era Garland bolt rifles, while Ilaga have more efficient weaponry.
I have seriously been considering funding and creating my own paramilitary here, either myself or in conjunction with 3 other land holders (2 being family members). There is a form of CAFGU that is entirely privately funded and who have much greater freedom in operating.
The problem with that though is that it will seriously up the ante as for my and my family's safety. If I even begin moving in that direction I will be place don th NPA List, not to mention perhaps creating other enemies.
The private paras are officialy called
Special CAFGU Active Auxillaries.
It is a huge decison, with alot of local responsibility as well as alot of personal danger for me and mine so it must be considered very carefully. I suppose , like every other land holder here I already have a private para, although un-sanctioned (though blessed) by the govt. If I get into SCAFGUAA it would simply mean more coordination with the licit authorities, as well as making my men submit to a bootcamp under AFP (govt) soldiers.
However, officialy linking to the govt. places me diametrically opposed to the Objectives of the NPA et al. While we uneasily coexist with the organiation, and I am sure have employees who are actual members (as does every employer here), it would be entirely different.
My morphine intake is holding at 440 mgs per day, 220 in my AM dose, and 220 in the evening. I am still waiting until they stary distributing hydromorphone downhere, as well as the bupernorphine transdermal patches that were approved.
I am busying myself with my goat farming venture. I will start with 60 females, as soon as the out buildings are constructed, and we will break ground next week barring any unforseen circumstances. I will have it close to home, since I will be so heavily involved in the start up.
I have been struggling with the effectsof my other medications. One of the main reasons (other than changing out capital currency to the Euro and assets to gold) I went to the US in 2008 was to obtain Hepatitis-C medication. I brought it back with me and began my regimen 5 weeks ago. I am on Pegylated Interferon-A (Pegasys) and 1200 mgs of Ribarin tablets (sometimes capsules) in 2 doses of 600 each.
I will continue soon because of the character count...
I loved the emails my boy (Kupid) sent me. They are so sweet. Well I guess our respective trips are well on their way for both of us. Since I live by Disneyland and Erik is in Vancouver, we will be on our own with these trips, but actually, my intuition tells me that these trips need to be taken alone because both of us are on our own journey and I guess the rule is absolute silence if you're going to trip with someone else present. It's best then, to fly solo, carefully. Things I want from iboga: 1. help me forgive the past and the present completely! 2. help me desire to eat healthy foods only, once again obtain an attractive weight, and exercise 3. improve my conscience contact with the God of my understanding, who i choose to call The Source 4. detox me completely from ultram 5. help me use my writing gift for the highest good of all. These are my goals and what I want from the drug. From the accounts that I've read, these are indeed possible and I think getting through Step 9 in NA has helped tremendously prepare me for this trip.
I was awake very early yesterday and I did something I hadn't done in years. I went into a chat room and was very disappointed. What ever happened to just a normal conversation between 2 people instead of finding my picture attractive and immediately wanting to get me in the sack? I am NOT a piece of meat, for fuxake. I ended up talking to one nice guy on the other side of the world, but even he was all fired up to fly halfway across the world to meet. I mean I appreciate the compliment, but come on. I wouldn't mind talking to another woman just to chat, it's harder to "just talk" to women in a way because I feel awkward IMing a total stranger, which is why I've always ended up talking to mostly guys. I just wanted some company and it was too early to call and wake up any of my friends, but that turned into a complete disater. That's one thing I really liked about my druggie days because when I have my meth clubs, druggies are always happy to talk to other druggies, at least they were up until the end of 2006.
So sobriety sometimes really does have it's awkward moments in off the wall ways. My handwriting when I was on meth was always ornate and pretty. Sober, I have to really concentrate on not letting my cursive writing look like chicken scrawl. I can't socialize in quite the same way as easily as I could when I was on meth, although that's not always a bad thing, necessarily. If I were still thin, sobriety would definitely be easier, but I'm going to see if the iboga trip will help me change my thinking about food. I realized while I was at work last Tuesday how much easier it is to just sit and hang out with normies. I couldn't do that before. Looking at life clean is showing me a completely different angle on people, how normies have hurts and frustrations that are just as intense as my own clean. Anyway, I'm rambling. Work was good. I'm almost over this cold. I want to get as enthused about NA as I was in the beginning because it really does help spiritual growth and eventually I want to go with other NA members on a jails and institutions panel, help inmates because I was one at one time. So that's it for now I guess.
P.S. A while back, someone asked me for a pic of my newest ink, but journal wouldn't let me attach one, so here it is.
I was awake very early yesterday and I did something I hadn't done in years. I went into a chat room and was very disappointed. What ever happened to just a normal conversation between 2 people instead of finding my picture attractive and immediately wanting to get me in the sack? I am NOT a piece of meat, for fuxake. I ended up talking to one nice guy on the other side of the world, but even he was all fired up to fly halfway across the world to meet. I mean I appreciate the compliment, but come on. I wouldn't mind talking to another woman just to chat, it's harder to "just talk" to women in a way because I feel awkward IMing a total stranger, which is why I've always ended up talking to mostly guys. I just wanted some company and it was too early to call and wake up any of my friends, but that turned into a complete disater. That's one thing I really liked about my druggie days because when I have my meth clubs, druggies are always happy to talk to other druggies, at least they were up until the end of 2006.
So sobriety sometimes really does have it's awkward moments in off the wall ways. My handwriting when I was on meth was always ornate and pretty. Sober, I have to really concentrate on not letting my cursive writing look like chicken scrawl. I can't socialize in quite the same way as easily as I could when I was on meth, although that's not always a bad thing, necessarily. If I were still thin, sobriety would definitely be easier, but I'm going to see if the iboga trip will help me change my thinking about food. I realized while I was at work last Tuesday how much easier it is to just sit and hang out with normies. I couldn't do that before. Looking at life clean is showing me a completely different angle on people, how normies have hurts and frustrations that are just as intense as my own clean. Anyway, I'm rambling. Work was good. I'm almost over this cold. I want to get as enthused about NA as I was in the beginning because it really does help spiritual growth and eventually I want to go with other NA members on a jails and institutions panel, help inmates because I was one at one time. So that's it for now I guess.
P.S. A while back, someone asked me for a pic of my newest ink, but journal wouldn't let me attach one, so here it is.
I am a dirty, dirty, bad boy. But my roommate is just as guilty. She woke me up this morning with a blowjob. This is definitely not the first time this has happened when we crash out in the living room watching tv at night. It happened the night before yesterday too. She just loves cum, and we're definitely going to fuck tonight when she gets off work. It's just not right, but it's hard to say no to fun. All the time when she finishes giving me head, she accuses me of being bad. Imagine that....
Today is Friday, March 6th, 2009 and it is now 3:36 AM here in the Philippines.
Music wise, I have been strung out on a new track I just snagged via a file sharing site I am addicted to (Bearshare). Bearshare is pretty popular here, especially in the universities as it was one of my older brothers-in -law who told me about it in the first place.
The song though, is by Alibi. Alibi is simply Tiesto and Armin Ven Buuren (sic), 2 great Trance DJs. they have a bunch of great songs, but the one I am into at the moment is a remake of that old Marvin Gaye song, "Sexual Healing." Alot of mixes exist but my favourite happens to be , as always, the one by Freemasons. Freemasons are also 2 Trance DJs who are fantastic and I like practically every piece they do whether by remix or an original track.
Here is the song...
www.youtube.com/watch?v=p4H40ObraEU
Reading wise, busy reading bits and pieces of Jewish Apocrypha. Apocrypha of course are the unofficial religious texts that for whatever reason werenot part of the official canon.
Right now I am busy reading "Tobit" for about the hundredth time. It is funny how religious people are so sure that their Scripture (no matter the faith) is complete and perfect. they do not stop to realise that another human has picked and chosen just what it will contain and thus are censoring their own religion!
Tobit basically deals with a man who is said to be a descdant of the Exiled Northern Tribes (Lost Tribes). He is made blind, gets depressed and asks G-D to kill him. As he is doing it he remembers an important business deal in another village, where a nice sum of money is still owend to him (no Jewish jokes please!).
He asks his son Tobiah to retrieve the cash. At the moment when Tobit was asking for death, a girl in the village where the money is, named Sarah, was also asking G-D to kill her. Her sadness was cuased by a demon . She had been married 7 times and on each wedding night, before consummation (we are not married until we do the deed!), the jealous demon strangles the men.
Tobias takes his journey and on the road he meets up with a fellow traveller, who unbeknownst to him, is actually an Angel!
Arriving, retrieving the cash, he falls for the girl, and arranges his marriage hastily. Told of the demon, he panics but the Angle calms him and promises to take care of it. He tells Tobiah what to do, he does it and the Demon is banished.
Tobiah gains a wife, she gains a husband (finally), and Tobit is healed of his blindness!
The Scripture has comedy, suspense, horror, and drama.
Back in Mindanao...
Last night ilaga kidnapped the daughter of a major NPA leader in Davao City. As she was riding her motorcycle (it is the main form of transport, just as it is all over eastern Asia), outside of Oro Subdivision in Davao City, a white SUV cut her off, and in front of stunned passerby dragged her into the SUV and sped away.
The father is Leonicio Pitao AKA Ka Parago who commands the NPA in that part of Davao.the mayor of Davao City, Duterte, says that he has not found through offiical channels that she has been detaied by the Govt, despite the father being on the most wanted list of the 10th infantry Division for several months, frustrating them over and over again.
The 10th Infantry Division also says tey have no evidence that she is being held by any military element.
In Nasapit, outside Butuan, the NPA was thwarted when it tried to blow up a Power Plant on a barge belonging to the National Power Corp., which is a governmental industry. The barge supplies all of Caraga 's electricity. Caraga is a major Mindanwoan region, the region I happen to live in!
We get blackouts every couple of days, soemtimes as ong as 48 hours when the NPA blows pylons up, etc but if they had achieved their goal with the barge we would be in the dark for weeks, at least. We have some decent high powered generators here but only for household needs. Our mills obviously would be closed, as would all industry here and it would cataclysmic actually.
Funny, we did not have electricity here until the mid 80s, but now are so reliant upon it that it would equal total chaos should we go without it even for a week!
The attempted bombing is the second in a month, the first one taking place in the middle of Feb., just after the govt. offencive I spoke about in earlier posts.
This week marks the 6th year since the Abu Sayyaf bombig of the Davao Airport passenger terminal in which 22 people died. I rarely use it, although i did take it on my last trip to Cambodia in 2008 for my first leg, to Manila.
Yesterday, in Barangay Binoligan in Kidapawan City the Ilaga made their 16th assasination since October, in that city, when it killed a man, 5 days after killing 2 others in that one town.
The banker I have talked about, from Surigao City, is still missing. Sadly, he is believed dead now. He was kidnapped as he entered his home, but when asked for Proof of Life in his 2nd week of capitvity, the abductors failed to provide it, despite their repeated requests for 10 Million Pesos (100,000 US roughly).
"Proof of Life" is voice CONVERSATIONS, or a photo or film with current events on the telly behind the subject, or a dated local newspaper, etc.
The man, Johnson Custodio Cuiting owned Rural Bank of Placer, a commerical bank locally.
Late yesterday in front of a Bingo Hall in downtown Cotabato City an IED exploded critically wounding 4 women from Datu Piang in Maguindanao Province. the Hall is adjacent to Agong Lodging House where just the evening before another IED exploded in room 319! That one was set by the 2 men who rented the room. In the Agong detonation 2 workers in the building were badly burned and injured.
Earlier yesterday, another IED was discovered before it could detonate, after having been left in a ladies' handbag inthe public market in Pikit village in North Cotabato Province.
The Agong IED was an 81 MM shell (the usual source) wired to a 9 Volt battery and a mobile phone as the trigger. The Pikit IED was a simple tin can wired to a 9 volt, wired to a phone. No word on the bingo Hall IED composition.
In the past 4 days there has been heavy and constant fighting in and around Barangay Sabaken in N. Kabuntalan village in Maguindanao Province, as well as in Barangays Talitay and Talyan in Datu Piang in Maguindanao Province.
the army's using 105 MM Howitzers, along with SF-260 planes in heavy bombardment. Only 4 MILF (from K. kato's faction) reported killed so far, and those only for yesterday. Of course many dozens have died, as is always thecase - for both sides.
The 40th and 69th IB is fighting in Barangays Damatulan and Lumopog in Rangeban village, and Midsayap village as well as Barangay Dunggan in Aleosan village (Ilaga stronghold), against the MILF/BIAF. No word on casualties but the entire Barangay of Sabaken in N. Kabuntalan is in danger of being exterminated, with all houses said to be severely damaged or destroyed.
On 3/3 a shell from a 105 MM hit 9 children, ages 8 to 12. 3 died instantly and the other 6 are near dead or dead already. It took place in Barangay Mataya in Buldou village in Maguindanao.
On that same day in Barangay Crossing Salvo in Datu Unsay in Maguindanao the MILF's 105th engaged the army with 3 dead on scene.
The Sri Lankan NGO worker kidnapped on Basilan by the Puruji Indama faction of Abu Sayyaf is now being traded to an MILF faction commanded by Kumannder Usman Lidjal.
The army is massivley deploying along the Palungi River in and around Datu Piang in Maguindanao. so far the MILF has managed o rack 2 deaths when a pair on motorcycle did a drive by on the Butilen Bridge as the army was first moving into the sector.
Had to laugh at an article I saw in a govt. business handout that described Mindanao as "calm."
Locally, a drunk cop killed 3 people in Butuan last Sunday, and the crime wave is continuing with even more robberies, etc and so forth...
Music wise, I have been strung out on a new track I just snagged via a file sharing site I am addicted to (Bearshare). Bearshare is pretty popular here, especially in the universities as it was one of my older brothers-in -law who told me about it in the first place.
The song though, is by Alibi. Alibi is simply Tiesto and Armin Ven Buuren (sic), 2 great Trance DJs. they have a bunch of great songs, but the one I am into at the moment is a remake of that old Marvin Gaye song, "Sexual Healing." Alot of mixes exist but my favourite happens to be , as always, the one by Freemasons. Freemasons are also 2 Trance DJs who are fantastic and I like practically every piece they do whether by remix or an original track.
Here is the song...
www.youtube.com/watch?v=p4H40ObraEU
Reading wise, busy reading bits and pieces of Jewish Apocrypha. Apocrypha of course are the unofficial religious texts that for whatever reason werenot part of the official canon.
Right now I am busy reading "Tobit" for about the hundredth time. It is funny how religious people are so sure that their Scripture (no matter the faith) is complete and perfect. they do not stop to realise that another human has picked and chosen just what it will contain and thus are censoring their own religion!
Tobit basically deals with a man who is said to be a descdant of the Exiled Northern Tribes (Lost Tribes). He is made blind, gets depressed and asks G-D to kill him. As he is doing it he remembers an important business deal in another village, where a nice sum of money is still owend to him (no Jewish jokes please!).
He asks his son Tobiah to retrieve the cash. At the moment when Tobit was asking for death, a girl in the village where the money is, named Sarah, was also asking G-D to kill her. Her sadness was cuased by a demon . She had been married 7 times and on each wedding night, before consummation (we are not married until we do the deed!), the jealous demon strangles the men.
Tobias takes his journey and on the road he meets up with a fellow traveller, who unbeknownst to him, is actually an Angel!
Arriving, retrieving the cash, he falls for the girl, and arranges his marriage hastily. Told of the demon, he panics but the Angle calms him and promises to take care of it. He tells Tobiah what to do, he does it and the Demon is banished.
Tobiah gains a wife, she gains a husband (finally), and Tobit is healed of his blindness!
The Scripture has comedy, suspense, horror, and drama.
Back in Mindanao...
Last night ilaga kidnapped the daughter of a major NPA leader in Davao City. As she was riding her motorcycle (it is the main form of transport, just as it is all over eastern Asia), outside of Oro Subdivision in Davao City, a white SUV cut her off, and in front of stunned passerby dragged her into the SUV and sped away.
The father is Leonicio Pitao AKA Ka Parago who commands the NPA in that part of Davao.the mayor of Davao City, Duterte, says that he has not found through offiical channels that she has been detaied by the Govt, despite the father being on the most wanted list of the 10th infantry Division for several months, frustrating them over and over again.
The 10th Infantry Division also says tey have no evidence that she is being held by any military element.
In Nasapit, outside Butuan, the NPA was thwarted when it tried to blow up a Power Plant on a barge belonging to the National Power Corp., which is a governmental industry. The barge supplies all of Caraga 's electricity. Caraga is a major Mindanwoan region, the region I happen to live in!
We get blackouts every couple of days, soemtimes as ong as 48 hours when the NPA blows pylons up, etc but if they had achieved their goal with the barge we would be in the dark for weeks, at least. We have some decent high powered generators here but only for household needs. Our mills obviously would be closed, as would all industry here and it would cataclysmic actually.
Funny, we did not have electricity here until the mid 80s, but now are so reliant upon it that it would equal total chaos should we go without it even for a week!
The attempted bombing is the second in a month, the first one taking place in the middle of Feb., just after the govt. offencive I spoke about in earlier posts.
This week marks the 6th year since the Abu Sayyaf bombig of the Davao Airport passenger terminal in which 22 people died. I rarely use it, although i did take it on my last trip to Cambodia in 2008 for my first leg, to Manila.
Yesterday, in Barangay Binoligan in Kidapawan City the Ilaga made their 16th assasination since October, in that city, when it killed a man, 5 days after killing 2 others in that one town.
The banker I have talked about, from Surigao City, is still missing. Sadly, he is believed dead now. He was kidnapped as he entered his home, but when asked for Proof of Life in his 2nd week of capitvity, the abductors failed to provide it, despite their repeated requests for 10 Million Pesos (100,000 US roughly).
"Proof of Life" is voice CONVERSATIONS, or a photo or film with current events on the telly behind the subject, or a dated local newspaper, etc.
The man, Johnson Custodio Cuiting owned Rural Bank of Placer, a commerical bank locally.
Late yesterday in front of a Bingo Hall in downtown Cotabato City an IED exploded critically wounding 4 women from Datu Piang in Maguindanao Province. the Hall is adjacent to Agong Lodging House where just the evening before another IED exploded in room 319! That one was set by the 2 men who rented the room. In the Agong detonation 2 workers in the building were badly burned and injured.
Earlier yesterday, another IED was discovered before it could detonate, after having been left in a ladies' handbag inthe public market in Pikit village in North Cotabato Province.
The Agong IED was an 81 MM shell (the usual source) wired to a 9 Volt battery and a mobile phone as the trigger. The Pikit IED was a simple tin can wired to a 9 volt, wired to a phone. No word on the bingo Hall IED composition.
In the past 4 days there has been heavy and constant fighting in and around Barangay Sabaken in N. Kabuntalan village in Maguindanao Province, as well as in Barangays Talitay and Talyan in Datu Piang in Maguindanao Province.
the army's using 105 MM Howitzers, along with SF-260 planes in heavy bombardment. Only 4 MILF (from K. kato's faction) reported killed so far, and those only for yesterday. Of course many dozens have died, as is always thecase - for both sides.
The 40th and 69th IB is fighting in Barangays Damatulan and Lumopog in Rangeban village, and Midsayap village as well as Barangay Dunggan in Aleosan village (Ilaga stronghold), against the MILF/BIAF. No word on casualties but the entire Barangay of Sabaken in N. Kabuntalan is in danger of being exterminated, with all houses said to be severely damaged or destroyed.
On 3/3 a shell from a 105 MM hit 9 children, ages 8 to 12. 3 died instantly and the other 6 are near dead or dead already. It took place in Barangay Mataya in Buldou village in Maguindanao.
On that same day in Barangay Crossing Salvo in Datu Unsay in Maguindanao the MILF's 105th engaged the army with 3 dead on scene.
The Sri Lankan NGO worker kidnapped on Basilan by the Puruji Indama faction of Abu Sayyaf is now being traded to an MILF faction commanded by Kumannder Usman Lidjal.
The army is massivley deploying along the Palungi River in and around Datu Piang in Maguindanao. so far the MILF has managed o rack 2 deaths when a pair on motorcycle did a drive by on the Butilen Bridge as the army was first moving into the sector.
Had to laugh at an article I saw in a govt. business handout that described Mindanao as "calm."
Locally, a drunk cop killed 3 people in Butuan last Sunday, and the crime wave is continuing with even more robberies, etc and so forth...
fuck yeah, got the car fixed. god damn, im just about to jump in er and go out and rip the roads up...in the sterotyped guido/ricer way of driving like a jackass with little regard for other users of the road.
smell ya later homes.
smell ya later homes.
On the way home from work last night there was a guy on the bus that looked almost EXACTLY like Freddy Krueger. He had the hat and every thing. He kept staring at me too which needless to say made me feel a bit uncomfortable. I wonder if he knows that he looks like him.
Today is Thursday, 3/5/2009 and it is now 11:45 PM here in the Philippines.
Well, I got the masn out of trouble, we spent a few hours hanging out after I got off, now that he was separated from his tour Group, and I showed him the true sights of Jerusalem, as opposed to the Pilgrim Commercial nonsense that most only get to see.
You would be suprised how easy you can get into place with an auto rifle on your shoulder! Better than a Visa Black Card!
Anyway, his name was Mario Sigayle and he was from Cebu but was living on Mindanao, having met a woman in university from there, and marrying her. they were living in a home given to them by the wife's father, and a retail feed and supply store as well.
He has saved and been waiting for this trip for years and even though his wife was unexpectedly pregnant and about to burst, he had still taken the trip. It was difficult for him because at that time there was no phone service on most of Mindanao, and they lived deep in a bush village (my current home).
I let him spend the evening at my barracks (really a tent), against regulations but i lied and said he was my uncle, etc., family emergency and in those days things were so much more simple than they are today (sounds cliche but so so true).
The next day , I took a personal day and hitched with him to Masada (sic), where his Tour Group was seeing the ancient Jewish frotress. Hitching is par for the course in Israel, and in uniform you are guaranteed to get picked up very quickly, we even have hitching stands every so often. We took some pics, and after exchanging vitals I left, thinking little of it, seeing as how I had met many people back in those days.
2 and half weeks later I was told to head up to Metullah, on the Lebanese Border but in the
Central Sector, and rejin my Battalion (50th).
Hitched once again, and was made to wait 3 days for a link-up to take me outside of Ba'albek, at an FOB (Forward Operating Base) since we rarely were returning to Mt. Hermon, our main base at that point. However, the ride that brought me to Metullah was an 08 (CO AKA Commanding Officer) in the Lebanese Liason Office (we were allies of the sitting Lebanese Govt, which consisted of Phalangists.
Lebanese Phalangists, not be confused with Spanish Falangists, were/are a political party devoted to Maronite Lebanese. Maronites are a sect that is very close to Catholicsm in creed, and indeed for several decades now they have been drawing closer to the Papal Church after an incredibly long enstrangement.
At that time (and to a degree even today) they hated to be called Arabs, and insisted that they were the indigenous People of that land, being direct descendants of the Phoenicians.
Phonecians, and their related group (now extinct) the Carthaginians are a Greek People who spoke a Semitic anguage and practiced a unique religion that incorporated alot of indigenous features, such as holding "Ba'al" above all other G-Ds in their pantheon.
The Lebanese President at that time was a Gemayel, a son of the man who founded the Phalangist Movement. The Lebanese Army ceased to officially operate, and so the Phlangist Militia became the de facto national military.
The Liason Office was responsible for acting as a bridge between the IDF and the Phlangist Militia, as well as elements of the Govt. I talked quite a bit with the 08 on that ride to Metullah , and when he found out that I was a native Arabic speaker he offered me a position, but of course I had just turned 17 and was far too young for the assignment. He promised to keep me in mind.
For the next few months it was one Engagement after another, constant fighting. usually in and around Beka'a, and at this point alot of of men (Israeli) began to use Hashish and Heroin. Beka'a is a source region that is filled with cannabis used for Lebanese Hashish, and for poppies for #2 heroin (freebase).
I was suprised to get a box , and even more suprised to see it was from Mario who thanked me profusely, and apologised for not being able to contact me earlier. Mindanao, then as now has post offices but outside the 4 main cities on the island there is no mail delivery of any kind, nor was/is there any way to ship anything unless you were in one of the 4 main cities.
Mario had sent me boxes of snacks (knowing I had no close family to care for me there), as well sas a tonne of pictures, including his 1st child who had since been born his child was a daughter, whom he named "Rizza," who of course is now my wife! That was the beginning of our long friendship.
I smoked a bit of hash but that was about all.
Then, about 10 months after rejoining my Battalion I was hit by shrapnel from a large bore mortar shell. This time I was not knocked unconscious so I was in quite alot of pain with my harm almost severed at the wrist, and serious wounds in my left side.
The Medic pumped me with morphine, I was coptered out once again, and back to Hadassah Hospital for more fun and games.
Will continue...
Well, I got the masn out of trouble, we spent a few hours hanging out after I got off, now that he was separated from his tour Group, and I showed him the true sights of Jerusalem, as opposed to the Pilgrim Commercial nonsense that most only get to see.
You would be suprised how easy you can get into place with an auto rifle on your shoulder! Better than a Visa Black Card!
Anyway, his name was Mario Sigayle and he was from Cebu but was living on Mindanao, having met a woman in university from there, and marrying her. they were living in a home given to them by the wife's father, and a retail feed and supply store as well.
He has saved and been waiting for this trip for years and even though his wife was unexpectedly pregnant and about to burst, he had still taken the trip. It was difficult for him because at that time there was no phone service on most of Mindanao, and they lived deep in a bush village (my current home).
I let him spend the evening at my barracks (really a tent), against regulations but i lied and said he was my uncle, etc., family emergency and in those days things were so much more simple than they are today (sounds cliche but so so true).
The next day , I took a personal day and hitched with him to Masada (sic), where his Tour Group was seeing the ancient Jewish frotress. Hitching is par for the course in Israel, and in uniform you are guaranteed to get picked up very quickly, we even have hitching stands every so often. We took some pics, and after exchanging vitals I left, thinking little of it, seeing as how I had met many people back in those days.
2 and half weeks later I was told to head up to Metullah, on the Lebanese Border but in the
Central Sector, and rejin my Battalion (50th).
Hitched once again, and was made to wait 3 days for a link-up to take me outside of Ba'albek, at an FOB (Forward Operating Base) since we rarely were returning to Mt. Hermon, our main base at that point. However, the ride that brought me to Metullah was an 08 (CO AKA Commanding Officer) in the Lebanese Liason Office (we were allies of the sitting Lebanese Govt, which consisted of Phalangists.
Lebanese Phalangists, not be confused with Spanish Falangists, were/are a political party devoted to Maronite Lebanese. Maronites are a sect that is very close to Catholicsm in creed, and indeed for several decades now they have been drawing closer to the Papal Church after an incredibly long enstrangement.
At that time (and to a degree even today) they hated to be called Arabs, and insisted that they were the indigenous People of that land, being direct descendants of the Phoenicians.
Phonecians, and their related group (now extinct) the Carthaginians are a Greek People who spoke a Semitic anguage and practiced a unique religion that incorporated alot of indigenous features, such as holding "Ba'al" above all other G-Ds in their pantheon.
The Lebanese President at that time was a Gemayel, a son of the man who founded the Phalangist Movement. The Lebanese Army ceased to officially operate, and so the Phlangist Militia became the de facto national military.
The Liason Office was responsible for acting as a bridge between the IDF and the Phlangist Militia, as well as elements of the Govt. I talked quite a bit with the 08 on that ride to Metullah , and when he found out that I was a native Arabic speaker he offered me a position, but of course I had just turned 17 and was far too young for the assignment. He promised to keep me in mind.
For the next few months it was one Engagement after another, constant fighting. usually in and around Beka'a, and at this point alot of of men (Israeli) began to use Hashish and Heroin. Beka'a is a source region that is filled with cannabis used for Lebanese Hashish, and for poppies for #2 heroin (freebase).
I was suprised to get a box , and even more suprised to see it was from Mario who thanked me profusely, and apologised for not being able to contact me earlier. Mindanao, then as now has post offices but outside the 4 main cities on the island there is no mail delivery of any kind, nor was/is there any way to ship anything unless you were in one of the 4 main cities.
Mario had sent me boxes of snacks (knowing I had no close family to care for me there), as well sas a tonne of pictures, including his 1st child who had since been born his child was a daughter, whom he named "Rizza," who of course is now my wife! That was the beginning of our long friendship.
I smoked a bit of hash but that was about all.
Then, about 10 months after rejoining my Battalion I was hit by shrapnel from a large bore mortar shell. This time I was not knocked unconscious so I was in quite alot of pain with my harm almost severed at the wrist, and serious wounds in my left side.
The Medic pumped me with morphine, I was coptered out once again, and back to Hadassah Hospital for more fun and games.
Will continue...
I stayed home all day Wednesday trying to get well. I've had a cold that started last Wednesday that has knocked me on my ass. I called the doc to find out what was up with my lab work, what the hell is wrong with me? Well I'm not diabetic, yea! I've been exposed to Hep C, they said. Duh, I already knew that. I specficially told my doc I wanted a liver panel, grrr, but my blood count was good, all in all $600 worth of tests. My insurance covered $200, so I guess I'll be getting a bill for the other $400. The doc called in some antibotics though, cause she says I have a bad UTI, bladder infection. So I got the Rx, but stayed home all day. I just want to get over this bloody cold. I felt it start up in my throat early Wed, am, yesterday, I'm thinking fuck! I took an airborn and started my course of antibiotics and now 24 hrs later, no sore throat, thank God.
I've been thinking about the iboga. It scares me to be honest. It sounds like an intense trip, but I'm willing to do it if it will help. I still don't know what Erik is gonna do, if he plans on coming down here from Van or what. Money is a problem for both of us, and any days off I take are unpaid, plus I'll have to get a motel room so I (or we) won't be confronted with my Mom. That's the one bad thing. I wish I could just be honest with her, but if I was, I know she wouldn't go for that at all and think I'm planning a relapse. Technically according to NA, that's what it would be, although in my mind it is not. It is only medicine. Medicine that might help reset the seratonin levels in my brain, give me a new perspective on the obsticals I can't seem to overcome, even with great effort, plus get me off this damn ultram. I'm not abusing the ultram, only taking my required dose early every morning to avoid W/D's. I plan on reducing the pills to 3 Friday the 13th and go down one pill every 3 weeks after that.
I think my mistake before was trying to go down too fast, and like any other drug it's best to take your time in order to avoid intense W/D's. That's the thing, if I HAVE to work, which I do, then I pretty much have to do this gradually, otherwise I end up feeling like crap and that's not fair to my patients. In a way detoxing in jail was alot easier because although the W/D's sucked, it wasn't like I had to worry about going to work. All I did was hang out in my cell 22 hrs a day, exercise the other 2, and talk to my cellie. So, by the time I was done serving my sentence, I was detoxed and felt great, went to work clean. I made a huge mistake taking ultram to begin with. I should have just taken extra strength motrin for all the dental procedures I had done, but I thought ultram would be better than vicodin. I should have stayed away, but too late, I'm stuck with the consequences.
If Erik does come here, it will be touch financially, but for him I'll make it happen. I could probably ask Linda to come in and check on us every 4 hrs, that might work. She'd do it too, if I gave her $20 as an initiative. That way we wouldn't be totally at the mercy of the drug, plus we could get well. It was good to stay home and rest. It's early am Thursday. The room is dark in here except for the bluish glow from the computer and I have the portable heater on. I visited with Mom for a little bit today, watched dvds and cable, then slept the rest of the time. It was sure nice of my Aunt to offer to pay for a series of acupuncture treatments for me to treat my migraines. Last time I did them in 1995 for about 4 months, 3 times a week, then 6 months later no headaches for 2 or 3 years. This way I won't have to dick around with constantly getting non narcotic pain killers from my doc or have to even think about touching the backup narcotic Rx I turned over to Mom, in order not to be at the mercy of a migraine for 3 days again when the non narcotics don't work, or I'm lacking in supply.
I emailed the acupuncturist and I think I'll start my treatments in April because I have traffic school the last 2 Wednesdays this month, and 2 dental appointments on Thursdays. She is closed on Mondays, so I can't go after work, and it's a hell of a drive all the way out to Pasadena, but I'm willing to go to great lengths to get well. Funny the more I think about it, the idea of actually doing crystal meth or pain pills seems like a rediculous idea. I have a head full of NA now and the highs wouldn't be the same. If I do the iboga I'll lose my clean time, but some things are worth pursuing if it's for the right reason. The main thing is I am planning on living a drug free life style. I know things about myself and life now that I didn't before, so I'm ready for a theraputic trip, should it come to pass.
I should get on writing those letters that Step 9 demands. I think I can write them now without an edge of sarcasm entering their contents, so after this blog entry I'll write and mail at least one. I guess I'll start with Tony because Mom has his addy that my brother's wife refused to give me. Then I can be done with him. I have 3 more letters after that, but the first one is a start.
I've been thinking about the iboga. It scares me to be honest. It sounds like an intense trip, but I'm willing to do it if it will help. I still don't know what Erik is gonna do, if he plans on coming down here from Van or what. Money is a problem for both of us, and any days off I take are unpaid, plus I'll have to get a motel room so I (or we) won't be confronted with my Mom. That's the one bad thing. I wish I could just be honest with her, but if I was, I know she wouldn't go for that at all and think I'm planning a relapse. Technically according to NA, that's what it would be, although in my mind it is not. It is only medicine. Medicine that might help reset the seratonin levels in my brain, give me a new perspective on the obsticals I can't seem to overcome, even with great effort, plus get me off this damn ultram. I'm not abusing the ultram, only taking my required dose early every morning to avoid W/D's. I plan on reducing the pills to 3 Friday the 13th and go down one pill every 3 weeks after that.
I think my mistake before was trying to go down too fast, and like any other drug it's best to take your time in order to avoid intense W/D's. That's the thing, if I HAVE to work, which I do, then I pretty much have to do this gradually, otherwise I end up feeling like crap and that's not fair to my patients. In a way detoxing in jail was alot easier because although the W/D's sucked, it wasn't like I had to worry about going to work. All I did was hang out in my cell 22 hrs a day, exercise the other 2, and talk to my cellie. So, by the time I was done serving my sentence, I was detoxed and felt great, went to work clean. I made a huge mistake taking ultram to begin with. I should have just taken extra strength motrin for all the dental procedures I had done, but I thought ultram would be better than vicodin. I should have stayed away, but too late, I'm stuck with the consequences.
If Erik does come here, it will be touch financially, but for him I'll make it happen. I could probably ask Linda to come in and check on us every 4 hrs, that might work. She'd do it too, if I gave her $20 as an initiative. That way we wouldn't be totally at the mercy of the drug, plus we could get well. It was good to stay home and rest. It's early am Thursday. The room is dark in here except for the bluish glow from the computer and I have the portable heater on. I visited with Mom for a little bit today, watched dvds and cable, then slept the rest of the time. It was sure nice of my Aunt to offer to pay for a series of acupuncture treatments for me to treat my migraines. Last time I did them in 1995 for about 4 months, 3 times a week, then 6 months later no headaches for 2 or 3 years. This way I won't have to dick around with constantly getting non narcotic pain killers from my doc or have to even think about touching the backup narcotic Rx I turned over to Mom, in order not to be at the mercy of a migraine for 3 days again when the non narcotics don't work, or I'm lacking in supply.
I emailed the acupuncturist and I think I'll start my treatments in April because I have traffic school the last 2 Wednesdays this month, and 2 dental appointments on Thursdays. She is closed on Mondays, so I can't go after work, and it's a hell of a drive all the way out to Pasadena, but I'm willing to go to great lengths to get well. Funny the more I think about it, the idea of actually doing crystal meth or pain pills seems like a rediculous idea. I have a head full of NA now and the highs wouldn't be the same. If I do the iboga I'll lose my clean time, but some things are worth pursuing if it's for the right reason. The main thing is I am planning on living a drug free life style. I know things about myself and life now that I didn't before, so I'm ready for a theraputic trip, should it come to pass.
I should get on writing those letters that Step 9 demands. I think I can write them now without an edge of sarcasm entering their contents, so after this blog entry I'll write and mail at least one. I guess I'll start with Tony because Mom has his addy that my brother's wife refused to give me. Then I can be done with him. I have 3 more letters after that, but the first one is a start.
its been what? 2 days since i last smoked weed...
longest stretch so far in recent memory
thats sooo sad lol
mostly coz im broke but funny that i dont feel any different, no strong psych cravings, well ok some....but its not bad. nicotine i suppose makes that all transparent. but im not smoking cigs more.
longest stretch so far in recent memory
thats sooo sad lol
mostly coz im broke but funny that i dont feel any different, no strong psych cravings, well ok some....but its not bad. nicotine i suppose makes that all transparent. but im not smoking cigs more.
My bf spend the whole last weekend with me. Now he wants Friday to himself apparently. I know I should accept it. Men often need more time alone than women USUALLY. Hence, the invention of the garage. Right? I should be thankful for the time he does spend to me. I just wanna be a lil love dovely to make up for last weekend. Drive in head first and finally try to trust him not to hurt me. But yet I don't feel too encouraged. When I told hm that, he asked me where I got my weed. Which was a quote from my favorite movie, but it kinda hurt. I'm too sensitive.
I know it is PERFECTLY responsible that he would want to spend time relaxing or with his friends. I wish he would give me a second change not to make an ass out of myself in front of him female friends. As soon as they talk in I saw the wrong thing. But I want an opportunity to prove or at least try to prove myself... I also have have no friends and feel pretty isolated, being social would be nice.
But at least I know I'm too clingy so I'll leave him alone and let him plan what is going on. He has a tendency to withdraw now and then.
I guess I care class because I'm high. 'm just too damn sensitive.
BUT the the night,we went into two different room and watched the tv show we wanted. A year ago I wouldn't have been able to do that.
I want this to work for us. But I suck at relationships and
well I seem to destory everything that could possibly make me happy.
I guess I'm thoroughly depressed right now. Too much benzos I guess Who care.
I know it is PERFECTLY responsible that he would want to spend time relaxing or with his friends. I wish he would give me a second change not to make an ass out of myself in front of him female friends. As soon as they talk in I saw the wrong thing. But I want an opportunity to prove or at least try to prove myself... I also have have no friends and feel pretty isolated, being social would be nice.
But at least I know I'm too clingy so I'll leave him alone and let him plan what is going on. He has a tendency to withdraw now and then.
I guess I care class because I'm high. 'm just too damn sensitive.
BUT the the night,we went into two different room and watched the tv show we wanted. A year ago I wouldn't have been able to do that.
I want this to work for us. But I suck at relationships and
well I seem to destory everything that could possibly make me happy.
I guess I'm thoroughly depressed right now. Too much benzos I guess Who care.
