Bluelighting started as I was just looking for legal highs. Later I found the drug that I just couldn't get enough of, loved the feeling of happiness it gave me, Tramadol. I know a lot of people hate it here but it just worked for me. That first high blew my mind. Oh the money I've spent, likely around $1000. Uh makes me almost sick to think about it, but hell thats in like a year or two so I guess not too bad. Now I'm off it. I lost the last shipment and didn't have a job and the bf didn't like that I was on it. I knew he just had my best interest at heart, once he heard how bad the w.ds could be and how sick I would get on it sometimes, he was set against it.
Now and then I'll pop 3x the dose I need of Fioricet with codeine. But my body doesn't like coming off those barbs after 4-5 days. Just makes me sick. Plus there isn't much to the script, and I do have legit reasons for having it. I use too much and then I don't have it when I need it.
I look back and I see Xanax dependent, knocking myself out all the time no matter what the problem. Came off that after rehab and they wouldn't let me have ANY substances of abuse. I was angry because I do have an anxiety disorder. Now, I get k-pins. I've gotten 1 high from them and didn't like it. It was like being overtired and what not and unable to do anything. Guess I don't like it anymore. I can manage without it, but until I get into therapy its easier to manage the disorder with the drugs.
Oh the wonder of weed. I loved that stuff. Still would likely do it if I ran into it. I destressed, I ate, I slept...the only problem was it was illegal and when my mom found it a few times, she had enough and told me how it was going to be. I quit.
The fall from grace that was Soma and Tramadol. Fuck. So stupid. Cost me a job I liked and rumors of a serious drug problem and child abuse. Damn. Soma was strange. Some days it would work and other days it wouldn't. High dose before work and bam, blackout. Just a sudden decline in functioning. I'm amazed I didn't lose my job then. A good story and current health problems I guess. Lost it later to just a sober mistake in judgement...
Times of my mom knowing I was fucked up on a whole gram of Tramadol. Enough that I'm throwing up. I just was chasing a high.
BL has seen many sides of me. A depressed self loathing individual with seemingly no reason to live. To the healthier person I am now with medication and determination to take control of my own life. A person that at times, actually likes herself. Although I'm not perfect, sadness and depression still get me sometimes and I still lack a lot of the skills to deal with it. But the thoughts of suicide are now gone, not returning even at the low points. A comfort and a miracle. Any dr that has done that for me, may happiness be their own in life, for the gift that have been able to give me.
Medication is simply a guessing game. But those of thought and understand guess more right than wrong...
BL has seen the falling away of the abusive ex Iraq boyfriend. The heartache and the hope that he would return. The realization of the abuse, the position I put myself in, the time lost, the tears wasted and the rise to strength.
At times I still miss him, the good times before the abuse and when he still loved me. I almost cried today. I suppose once you truly love someone with everything you have...its hard to let go, and who knows if you can ever stop loving them.
But I have also moved on. TO a bf that cares about me, never would abuse me, has my best interest in mind. No, he isn't perfect, far from. He had made his own mistakes and sadly just messed up his life worse than I managed to mess up my own. But together we are better, stronger, leaning on each other and holding each other up in times of trial.
He was there before the medication was able to take hold, helping me to stay here and hold out. He has been able to witness the change in me and see me happy. Who knew that I would ACTUALLY be happy! Although he is well aware of all the issues just below the surface that occasionally rear their ugly head.
Today, I'm in school still chasing my dream of psychology and just my gift of being able to help people. I can read those around me and when I'm not overcome by my own problems are able to make a difference in the lives of those around me. People are now able to see the person under all the depression and self hated. A kind person who seeks to help others and can be a joy to be around.
Sure I need to change my sleep patterns, need to get rid of the barbs, need to get into therapy and work on coping skills and relationship paranoia. Need to gain some freaking weight. I don't think there is a eating disorder really present but rather an adaptation. I sleep I don't eat. I didn't eat so my stomach doesn't make me feel hungry...although I don't lack issues with food completely. I had my moments. I noticed the other day that I weigh more in 7th grade than I do now and thats not healthy. 94 pounds is not cool. I'm thinking perhaps its time to look as some possible medical causes.
Now and then I'll pop 3x the dose I need of Fioricet with codeine. But my body doesn't like coming off those barbs after 4-5 days. Just makes me sick. Plus there isn't much to the script, and I do have legit reasons for having it. I use too much and then I don't have it when I need it.
I look back and I see Xanax dependent, knocking myself out all the time no matter what the problem. Came off that after rehab and they wouldn't let me have ANY substances of abuse. I was angry because I do have an anxiety disorder. Now, I get k-pins. I've gotten 1 high from them and didn't like it. It was like being overtired and what not and unable to do anything. Guess I don't like it anymore. I can manage without it, but until I get into therapy its easier to manage the disorder with the drugs.
Oh the wonder of weed. I loved that stuff. Still would likely do it if I ran into it. I destressed, I ate, I slept...the only problem was it was illegal and when my mom found it a few times, she had enough and told me how it was going to be. I quit.
The fall from grace that was Soma and Tramadol. Fuck. So stupid. Cost me a job I liked and rumors of a serious drug problem and child abuse. Damn. Soma was strange. Some days it would work and other days it wouldn't. High dose before work and bam, blackout. Just a sudden decline in functioning. I'm amazed I didn't lose my job then. A good story and current health problems I guess. Lost it later to just a sober mistake in judgement...
Times of my mom knowing I was fucked up on a whole gram of Tramadol. Enough that I'm throwing up. I just was chasing a high.
BL has seen many sides of me. A depressed self loathing individual with seemingly no reason to live. To the healthier person I am now with medication and determination to take control of my own life. A person that at times, actually likes herself. Although I'm not perfect, sadness and depression still get me sometimes and I still lack a lot of the skills to deal with it. But the thoughts of suicide are now gone, not returning even at the low points. A comfort and a miracle. Any dr that has done that for me, may happiness be their own in life, for the gift that have been able to give me.
Medication is simply a guessing game. But those of thought and understand guess more right than wrong...
BL has seen the falling away of the abusive ex Iraq boyfriend. The heartache and the hope that he would return. The realization of the abuse, the position I put myself in, the time lost, the tears wasted and the rise to strength.
At times I still miss him, the good times before the abuse and when he still loved me. I almost cried today. I suppose once you truly love someone with everything you have...its hard to let go, and who knows if you can ever stop loving them.
But I have also moved on. TO a bf that cares about me, never would abuse me, has my best interest in mind. No, he isn't perfect, far from. He had made his own mistakes and sadly just messed up his life worse than I managed to mess up my own. But together we are better, stronger, leaning on each other and holding each other up in times of trial.
He was there before the medication was able to take hold, helping me to stay here and hold out. He has been able to witness the change in me and see me happy. Who knew that I would ACTUALLY be happy! Although he is well aware of all the issues just below the surface that occasionally rear their ugly head.
Today, I'm in school still chasing my dream of psychology and just my gift of being able to help people. I can read those around me and when I'm not overcome by my own problems are able to make a difference in the lives of those around me. People are now able to see the person under all the depression and self hated. A kind person who seeks to help others and can be a joy to be around.
Sure I need to change my sleep patterns, need to get rid of the barbs, need to get into therapy and work on coping skills and relationship paranoia. Need to gain some freaking weight. I don't think there is a eating disorder really present but rather an adaptation. I sleep I don't eat. I didn't eat so my stomach doesn't make me feel hungry...although I don't lack issues with food completely. I had my moments. I noticed the other day that I weigh more in 7th grade than I do now and thats not healthy. 94 pounds is not cool. I'm thinking perhaps its time to look as some possible medical causes.
