I had a good night at work last night, but got depressed as soon as I came home. It’s this damn mail. I fucking HATE the mail, because it brings tidings of bad news, YOU OWE ANOTHER BILL. Sigh. I’m not even gonna deal with it now. I’ll sleep during the day, then I’ll be up all night and deal with it then. I sure as fuck don’t have an extra $400 lying around to pay for this crap lab work. I’m frustrated because I’m not buying stupid bullshit that’s causing me to go into debt, but other crap like probation, student loan people, now the lab bill, fuck I’m tired of it. I got a little serenity back at work last night. I’m broke and I asked God, “How the fuck am I supposed to get help with my issues without money?” Ibogaine sounded like a good deal because it could show me past lives, get me unhooked from tramadol, maybe get my damn head straight with food. Mushrooms never helped me with addiction, but they gave me insights into myself.
I don’t make a lot of money, so I’m limited until I get another job and I don’t know when that’s gonna be. I’m doing the best that I can though and as for the tramadol, I’m going down from 4 pills a day to 3 on Friday. I will stay on 3 a day for a month instead of a week, then see how I feel on 2. I’d rather do it this way then to have to go through another 2-3 months feeling like absolute crap again, as I did recently. I’ve not been eating simply when I feel like it, only when I have to. For now I’ve given up on that crap. I’ll never be beautiful again, I just don’t give a fuck. That’s my depression talking because I feel it now, like there’s no hope. I’m sick and tired of the same stupid issues day in and day out. That’s why I wanted the therapy, to at least try. So there it is. The purpose of writing about it is supposed to help take some of the power out of it. That done, I’m turning this shit over to God. I can only do so much and I’m doing the best I can, and in spite of that if nothing happens then fuck it.
I don’t make a lot of money, so I’m limited until I get another job and I don’t know when that’s gonna be. I’m doing the best that I can though and as for the tramadol, I’m going down from 4 pills a day to 3 on Friday. I will stay on 3 a day for a month instead of a week, then see how I feel on 2. I’d rather do it this way then to have to go through another 2-3 months feeling like absolute crap again, as I did recently. I’ve not been eating simply when I feel like it, only when I have to. For now I’ve given up on that crap. I’ll never be beautiful again, I just don’t give a fuck. That’s my depression talking because I feel it now, like there’s no hope. I’m sick and tired of the same stupid issues day in and day out. That’s why I wanted the therapy, to at least try. So there it is. The purpose of writing about it is supposed to help take some of the power out of it. That done, I’m turning this shit over to God. I can only do so much and I’m doing the best I can, and in spite of that if nothing happens then fuck it.