Blogs

-Guido-
March 27th 2009
Strange thoughts in head as of late. Getting thrown out of flat is bitter sweet. Can express self and live without restraint now. Living under a new roof now, as much as I love old friends I cannot let them know where I am now.

Work was exhausting today. Rearranged store room and unloaded and organized numerous pallets by hand. Got home and passed out. Woke up hour ago to text message from girlfriend. She wanted to let me know how happy I made her. I told her how beautiful she makes life. Really has no clue to the extent I mean that. Makes life really worth it. Might not be here tonight typing this if it was'nt for her. Surely would not be person I am today. Still depressed but now there is glimmer of joy.

Broken as always I was when you came
So lost inside my thoughts where darkness rained
I was afraid for someones touch to feel so right.
But you came out like a ray of sun to melt the ice.

You brought me light
And saved my life
And through my darkest nights
Your loved shined on me
Your love shined on me.
You touched my soul
you gave me hope
And if my world goes cold,
Your love shines on me.

No longer scared to love i feel complete
Your eyes transcend me
Your touch sets me free
There is no safer place for me than in your arms
There is no doubt in my mind you'll keep me safe from harm.


Doctors appointment tomorrow morning. Only two doses of Suboxone left. Have not been doing NA meetings like doctor asked. Do not care if thrown off program. Doctor only does short detox program anyways, no long term maintenance. Have not used heroin in two weeks. Future is still uncertain.
-Guido-
-Guido-
TJ5
The Spoon and the Needle
The full flooded emotionality hide me like a tidal wave, but you know what? Fucking ANYTHING is better than permanent kicking! The whole body aches, sore ass muscles, all came back to me, but I haven't done any more meth. I couldn't go on the NA vacation because that means taking off my whole work week. I for once want some vacation time for me. Aimee wants to go to this nice, cheap motel that Linda took her for her birthday, just the two of us to kick back and party. Sounds like the best damn vacation, speaking of which I haven't had a vacation from work for over 2 years. One advantage of planing a vacation with a full time dope fiend is the fact she can take Mon-Fri off instead of fucking Thurs-Sunday making me lose 4 days of pay. So, it's settled. I want to plan a little time off in May because there are 5 wks and I'll still have 4 pay periods, no 5 because I won't have to take my entire fucking work week off trying to accomodate non users and normies.

I'm glad I pretty much work alone during the dead of night so I don't have to explain my emoti0ns or look strange, so I wrote last night:

3/27/09 at 2:00am

I had a wonderful time. More than anyone except a very dedicated dope fiend can know. What happened? There was life before dope, until the tender age of 17 when the soft (pot) dope started. There was beauty, joy, and fun, the kind I truly missed for 2 years. I can't believe how well Erik had me pegged, even before I did, knowing the saddness would come. He called it seratonin depletion, but I don't know. Coming down off X was no problem. Then this time 1/4 gram of meth, although it had been almost 2 1/2 years I'd seen sister Crystal.

I was/am blessed to have the love god H and painkillers preventing what I'd always dreaded as apathy from speed come down. The dopemine is leaving, but the lullaby of the blissful but wistful seratonin to take its place. The perks of the meth once again returning- the euphoria, the enthusiasm for writing full force-I've had writer's block for so long as far as poetry goes. Still, I was too nervous to attempt to write like I used too, inhibited of worries concerning my Mom monitoring my moods, fuck. I want a fucking scheduled vacation like I had in the past: 90 days clean/5 days using + 2 days to recover. That worked wonderfully for 2 and a half years. Here's an old piece inspired by Mr. Prick (shooting meth for those that don't know what I'm talking about:

6/21/02





The Spoon And The Needle



By Tanya T





All around the pile of glass

The spoon chases the needle

That’s how the crystal goes so fast

Through the kiss of the steel



Why bother with a teenager

When an 8 balls so much meaner?

$250 gone

Poof! Through the needle



Taking the spoon by the hand

On the dance floor with the needle

To music by the Cotton Band

Better than the Beatles



Up and down

Round they go

With Tina see them

Do ce do



Kick to the left

Stepping to the right

Tina wants to dance all night!



Bump and grind

With rhythm and rhyme

Shaking her booty

To her partner's behind



Spoon to the left

Twist and shake

Needle to the right

She seals her fate



Into the cleft of the spoon she goes

Dancing with water,

A top she knows

Delving into her loins

She's melting here goes!



Here comes the needle

His ass is big

He grinds her into the spoon

She digs



Next comes the cotton

A little tight ball

Horny and hot

A sweet little doll



She screams out in ecstasy

She's wetter than hell

The needle sucks her juice so well

He should serve all eternity in jail



Fast and furious

With lust and desire

The spoon and the needle

Are hot and on fire



There's no turning back

I'm ready to go

To dance with the rig

Tonight I'm his ho!



I see my forbidden lover

His energy, his presence, radiating like no other

That stance he takes

Says it all



Unrequited danger is he

He summons me

Daring me to take the bad boy on



I quietly submit

To his razor sharp kiss

Into his arms I melt

Sweet surrender, such bliss

Is the needle's sharp kiss



"Welcome home my love," he whispers

My Spike, My Steel

My Rig, My Point, My Sexy Outfit

My One True Prick,



"You waited for me!," I say

"Of course, my silly bitch

I told you before

You will once again

Be my own private whore



Not just for a week

A month or a day

I'm a jealous lover

But patient beyond all reason

I'll prove time and time and season



I don't care how long you venture astray

I'll always be with you

No matter how long you’re away



One day you'll come back

To submit once again

As my servant, my slave



Remember I'm the only One

Those sacred vows you took for fun

Will never be undone



You were my wife,

A marriage of bondage

I was your pain, your passion,

Your chain, your life



Come my sweet mistress

My slut, my bitch

Let's go on a trip

To the stars and get hitched"



"My lover, my prick,

My devil, you DICK

Come taste my blood



My passions are high

Come drink from the well of my veins,

Get drenched in the flood



Feed your perversions,

Your sinful desires

My heart is aflame

My innocence tainted



Your danger enticing

Your poison is great

Your lips tasting of venom

I love to hate



"Yes Your Corruptness

I see you haven't changed

Your flavors of deceit,

Ever so exquisite they range!



I'm back once again

My giver of pain

To revel in the stick

As my blood wets your dick



I missed you my asshole, my master

For what is a man?

But a life support system for a COCK!



My true husband you are

You're my dream, my star

Whether near or far

You're forever in my heart

No matter how long we're apart



Even though evil snake

My soul you can and will take

If given your way

Your prisoner I would stay



But unlike other men

I know where you've been

I know how you are

And what to expect



Cunning, seductive, such masculine strength

I'm awed by your charms

I have much respect,

You go to great lengths



To take me to places,

Without you I'd never go

You've a million different faces



You're my teacher, my preacher

My Judas, my savior,

My enemy, my best friend



You are my contradiction

You're a thorn in my side

You're my pain, my rose

From you I cannot hide



For now you are my love

My Romeo who shines bright light above

You're my needle and spoon

My poison I love



I'm back lover boy

Let's go for a ride

To the end of creations



My lips you will kiss

Wrap me in your bliss

You bad boy, you master of intoxication



Take me to eccentric creations

Show me your new, electric sensations

Take me to planet intoxication!"





"My mistress, my slave

My lover, my wife

Come let us repeat our sacred vows

I don't care for how long

A week, or for life





My illicit lover and mistress

With this needle I thee wed

I will keep your illusions alive

And your monkey fed



Until your veins are dry

And your soul is bled

I will protect you at all times



From life you so dread

And deliver deception

Until the day you're dead."



"I will not promise forever,

Your Deadliness," I say

"Humor me then",

He says with an evil grin



Ok what the fuck

For old times sake

I'm completely insane

A glutton for pleasure and pain

To you, I repeat my vows again



With this needle I Thee wed

I will forsake all others

To be with you instead

Until my veins are dry

And my soul is bled



From this day forward

I will take only you to bed

And love ONLY you

Until the day I'm dead.



His eyes light up then he says,

"Promise to obey me too?"



"You're pushing it my sick,

Sorry ass lover

Of blood spilling,

Corrupter of virgin veins



The day I promise to obey you

Is the day the quest

For intoxicating chemicals

Ceases to plant the seeds



Of corrupt desire in human kind

You'll have a mighty long wait

I hope you like to masturbate."



"That's what I love about you," he says.

A defiant slave,

Is a delightful slave,

Waiting to be broken."



There ends round one

Of a wicked jig

With the spoon and the needle



I have 8 more pages I wrote last night. I wish I could go on line and type. It would make me feel better, plus I have to feel inspired enough to write all this crap down. I'm going to start reprinting my old work so people understand what I'm talking about. It was a gift from Mr. Prick, writing just flowed and unless one loves writing, it's probably difficult to grasp the concept that being blocked has felt like a sort of death for me the past 2 years. I'm not saying I want to return to the difficult existence of doing nothing but chasing a high, although even that had its freedom and fun. I'm not trying to come up with an excuse to go back to using full time, but I wish I could have the writer's block removed, plus this disgusting fat. It sure as fuck would sweeten the idea of full time sobriety. So for now, there it is.
TJ5
TJ5
TJ5
Back in time...
I lost a couple of heavy fucking entries. Sigh. It's not often the shit I write is light reading to be sure, but I had all these mixed feelings and I don't know, probably this mega chem fest I bombarded myself with has a lot to do with it. The good thing is that I sure as fuck don't feel the dreaded apathy that's been accompanying the tamadol addiction because I got a couple of big ass older, bader boys to uproot the tramadol w/d's, since I failed with my own detox. All I can say is that for what it's worth, you sure as shit find out what you're made of when tapering off any dope, especially any particular kind that happens to be especially intense. Sometimes in the past, others have told me how strong I was (not that it was anything remotely near easy.) That was mostly during the 3 months off and one week on, doing a teenager in a week of quality meth and just cutting it off either cold turkey, or if fortunate, I'd have some painkillers to help with the come down.

The 30 pill a day Rx habit when I was 30 was extremely unpleasant as well. I suffered 2 intense wks of w/ds (being ignorant of proper tapering) and by the 3rd week, the physical was manageable, but the intense fucking cravings 24/7 were torture. God I was a mess. Anyway, like I said, I lost some entries, gone forever, maybe for the best. I had to go through my list and make sure only 3 people can actually read my blog cause I'm kinda embarassed knowing I'd written how the clean life and the Steps were it from now on, blah blah. I cannot believe some of the shit I have done in my life. Get on intense dope. Get off intense dope. Fly to Dublin to have an affair with a complete stranger completely sober back in 2001 with $40 to my name. I was damn lucky he was true to his word and supported me during my one week stay in a classy hotel, buy my food, be my tour guide, give me spending money, and hell give me $400 to fix my car.

I had been practicing my using schedule then, which was why I was able to get away from Mr. Prick for that time. At the same time, I was so damn shy, that I wished for sister Crystal in the worst way if only to make me unafraid to venture out in Dublin on my own. I was afraid because I get lost with 2 hands and a flashlight. (of course I did get lost) People's accents were so thick in places I had no idea what the fuck they were saying and had I been on speed, I wouldn't have been afraid to joke and ask until I understood what they were talking about. I wished I had a friend that knew the place the entire time I was there, but Brendan and I were actually only together 3 days and nights. The rest of the time I was on my own and I was depressed, afraid of people, so I hid out in my room, all except for one day, when I got my ass good and lost in a very shitty area, of course leave it to me and my fucked up non existent sense of direction.

That has been one pain in the ass fucked up handicap I hate the most about myself. Anyway, he was a CEO, a mega suit that was the exact opposite of the kind of person I was, blue collar working class with a white collar education and a double life that he never would understand in a million years, like most normies. Still, to be admired, attended to sweetly in some classy joint, romanced, wined, and dined felt as if a starving lady got some exquisite chow of attentive affection and romantic physical closeness I've rarely enjoyed in my entire life. The double life of dope certainly had a great deal to do with it, but that wasn't the only reason. The men that wanted me I didn't want and the ones I wanted didn't want me, at least most of the time, and when there was mutual attraction, there was no romance, no wining, and dining, except for Don, the very first man I was engaged to and in love with me, Mexican and older as well. I felt smothered eventually by his extreme jealousy and possessiveness, and aside from him there was Brendan. Men older than I am from latin or european cultures tend to be the way American men at one time were in this country.

Mom would tell me all about the good old days of the late fifties and early sixties and how a lady got treated like a lady without expecting sex in return. In my drug haze, I had Erik, I felt so blessed because junkies give sweet, platonic, love. I had long ago surrendered and asked Mr. Prick to relieve me of my sex drive, which he certainly did willingly. Even after I got clean for a couple years, the drive was mercifully gone. Mr. Prick is the only man I've made love with or had sex with (in a chemical way) in a long time. Erik warned me I'd be a bit sad, and fuck he's right I'm feeling it. I took a very little amount of the smack given to me, but careful as hell to respect that bad ass. Only .15cc which was minimal, but I don't want to make the mistake of erring by giving myself too much. That would be awful. I scratched and threw up intensely the first time Erik had to leave and go work in New Mexico. The weird thing was neither one of us felt any ill effects until an hour later.

Now here I am. I'm sad. I'm sorry I never learned the proper amount of self love, and life skills, even after studying very intentely. I don't know what the purpose of my life here is and I'm sometimes as sad and lost as I was the days of my massive pill addiction and a homeless guy asked me for money. I burst into tears and told him I lost my job and what a horrible failure I was. I'll never forget his compassion. I let myself be rocked by his sweet, unwashed, homeless self and listened as he told me how sorry he was, he knows how hard it is to find work (I felt understood) and then proceeded to offer me money. I refused his $2, that he kept trying to give me, but that day I felt accepted by a member of a caste system, an outcast. It felt comforting to not feel alone for a change.
TJ5
TJ5
MazDan
Ace Ace Baby. Part 4.
On my first visit to the vet I weighed 3.08 kilos. It was the next day that my worm problem was discovered and as such i didnt really eat for a day or so but despite all that, within one week I had put on more than a kilo because I weighed 4.25.
My next visit to the vet is on April 6 when i will be 12 weeks old and on that day i have to have lots of needles and also my micro chip inserted. The chip will sit just behind my neck in between my shoulder blades and its about the size of a grain of rice. If I ever get lost I can always be traced back to my boss.

I have also heard talk that I will be desexed very soon but Im not really sure what that means and since i trust my master, I figure it cant be all that bad........anyways it might even taste good. Ahhhh everything tastes good when your a puppy. Speaking of tasting good, I get three main courses every day. In the morning I get a mixture of a canned food that has real vegetables in it and nice chunks of meat and also some special dried puppy food. Then at lunchtime I usually have some chicken necks........I looooove chicken necks and they takle a long time to chew through and are sooo tasty. Sometimes we get doggy bones instead and at night its similar to breakfast. As well of course we get lots of doggy treats throughout the day and my personal favourite is the dried duck bits that i get when i do something good during training.

Im really good at sitting now and coming when my mastercalls is pretty good but still needs a bit of work. I was a bit scared of the chain saw today but was slowly overcoming that. There was a really big thunderstorm the other night and my master and myself and Casper all went outside under the pagola and played games. It was so much fun. I cant wait for the next thunderstorm cos they are the best even though they are really loud, I love them.

We get to go to play at the doggy playground almost every day and each day i am getting more and more confident and the last few days i have been chasing even the biggest of the other dogs. They are all reaslly good to me and realise im only little and they dont play to rough so its all good fun. Ohh guess what. Funny us talking about doggy park cos i have to go now seeing as my master just called..........its doggy park time.......see yas.
Pillthrill
Pillthrill
Pillthrill
Readers must be listed as friends
Due to the lack of trust and my personal problems and things VERY close to my heart that I chose to post here to prevent harmful comments being posted on public sites for the amusment of others. Only those who have proved themselves to be decent human beings will be allowed to read.

Thank you
Pillthrill
Pillthrill
-Guido-
March 27th 2009
Strange thoughts in head as of late. Getting thrown out of flat is bitter sweet. Can express self and live without restraint now. Living under a new roof now, as much as I love old friends I cannot let them know where I am now.

Work was exhausting today. Rearranged store room and unloaded and organized numerous pallets by hand. Got home and passed out. Woke up hour ago to text message from girlfriend. She wanted to let me know how happy I made her. I told her how beautiful she makes life. Really has no clue to the extent I mean that. Makes life really worth it. Might not be here tonight typing this if it was'nt for her. Surely would not be person I am today. Still depressed but now there is glimmer of joy.

Broken as always I was when you came
So lost inside my thoughts where darkness rained
I was afraid for someones touch to feel so right.
But you came out like a ray of sun to melt the ice.

You brought me light
And saved my life
And through my darkest nights
Your loved shined on me
Your love shined on me.
You touched my soul
you gave me hope
And if my world goes cold,
Your love shines on me.

No longer scared to love i feel complete
Your eyes transcend me
Your touch sets me free
There is no safer place for me than in your arms
There is no doubt in my mind you'll keep me safe from harm.


Doctors appointment tomorrow morning. Only two doses of Suboxone left. Have not been doing NA meetings like doctor asked. Do not care if thrown off program. Doctor only does short detox program anyways, no long term maintenance. Have not used heroin in two weeks. Future is still uncertain.
-Guido-
-Guido-
-Guido-
March 25th 2009
Having a rough day. Was thrown out of flat by room mates. Always thought problem was them but turns out it was me. Ego was to big and always holding on to the past. Funny though, considering what low opinion I have of self. Was not able to change as well when everything else was changing around me. Have a new home now. Dosed Suboxone around 4pm. Felt relaxed for bit. Feeling depressed lately though. Wanted to see girlfriend tonight but she passed out like I did. Woke up to a text message from her apologizing. She is a real sweetheart. Wish i was able to spend more time with her. Makes me cry sometimes. I love her more than life itself.

Need to make four NA meeting in order to stay on Suboxone program. Really not buying the twelve step bullshit. People at meeting tell me to put faith in God. I ask them where God was when I was pumping bitter sweet liquid into my veins, or what kind of God creates such a substance. Will post for a little bit and then sleep. Work in a few hours. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
-Guido-
-Guido-
MazDan
Ace Ace Baby. Part 3.
By now i figure that everyone should have worked out that i am in fact a puppy. And as such my master needs to find me a name.

My best friends name is Casper and also affectionately known as Cassie. Probably because she is completely white from head to toe. She is a Border collie Poodle cross and is the smartest dog I know. hmmm, did I mention before that she is also really cute and the love of my life? Ohh I did........oh well now you know I mean it.....lol.

So we are at the doggy park and Casper is playing with the other big dogs while i mostly stay around my master cos once i got smashed into by one of the other boofhead dogs and it bloody well hurt......stupid big oaf dog it is. Now while at the doggy park I hear the ladies talking about what to call me and they come up with names like bandit and woofy and stuff like that. I dunno, it just wasnt me really so I was really happy when master turned to me one day and said........Ace. Thats who you are. Your Ace.

Woohoo, I was somebody. But not just anybody. I was Ace. my master said it just doesnt get any better than that. So Ace it is.

Now that i had a name i always listen so carefully because everytime i hear my name called, i go running. I want to be the most obedient dog in the whole wide world.

I am now fully recovered from my worms problem and my coat is starting to get nice and shiny again and i have so much more energy which means i can play for a long time with Casper now although i still sleep most of the day and night.....lol, except when i wake my master up to let me out for a chance to relieve myself.

We have a really good system. Casper sleeps on the bed with the boss and I have been told that one day when I can last all night without needing to pee or poo that I can sleep up there to. I am trying very hard. But in the meantime I sleep in a box that originally came with a television in it. Its just big enough for me to have a really cool bed and I cant get out on my own cos its a bit to high but its right next to my masters bed and anytime i need to do stuff in the middle of the night I just climb up and call out and my master gets up to take me outside.

This is a picture of me and my bestest ever friend Casper.

Did I mention how cute she is? lol.........well she is.

MazDan
MazDan
entropy90
What The Fuck!!!
So I get the word that there's some valium out so I go out and do what any benzo loving fool would do, I buy some. When I get them I hop on the old PC and check these out just to make sure they're ligit. Turns out this half ass drug dealer is passing off Medroxyprogesterone acetate valium. Now Medroxyprogesterone acetate is used by certain states as "chemical castration" for sexual predators. WHAT THE FUCK? seriously what the fuck? Who would pass that off for valium or better yet why? Anyway long story short i find the kid force him to take the pills back and give me my fucking money. But still What The Fuck.
spork
spork
2oclockbeanfiend.2
Fuck you, america!
As soon as my legal situation is settled, I am leaving this shit-hole, scum-sucking country and never looking back. Its fucking unbelievable how little it means to be a born-and-raised US citizen these days. How is it that I'm treated EXACTLY like an illegal Mexican immigrant? I'm not racist or anything like that, but I believe a US citizen should be treated differently than an illegal immigrant (from any country.) Shit, forget immigrants, animals are treated better than I've been treated by my home country. THE UNITED STATES JAIL/PRISON SYSTEM IS TORTURE. A caucasian US citizen should never be stopped for suspicion on his/her own street, based solely on how they look. I only say caucasian, because this country's government was founded by caucasians. I live in a nice neighborhood, and apparently its not safe to walk down my own street. Not unsafe because of criminals, but because of the police. FUCK THE POLICE. YOU ARE ALL GOING TO BURN IN HELL. KARMA IS REAL AND IT IS COMING FOR YOU. CORRECTIONS OFFICERS, HELL ISN'T WHERE YOU ARE GOING. THE PLACE YOU ARE HEADED IS MUCH, MUCH WORSE THAN ANY HELL YOU CAN IMAGINE. YOU ARE SO FUCKED. THE WAY YOU TREAT HUMAN BEINGS IS UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE. YOU ARE ALL GONNA GET IT. Sleep well for now, but your day of reckoning is coming.

FUCK YOU!
2oclockbeanfiend.2
2oclockbeanfiend.2
TJ5
Failed detox
By the 3rd day, I took 4 fiorinal #3'.s. I'm tired of kicking and thrashing around so I guess I'm stuck as a maintainance user.
TJ5
TJ5
G
George's Opiate Addiction Blog
gcat333
G
OverDone
A First for Me!
I babysat for the first time in my life! I'm 38 and an ex IV coke user. I have NEVER babysat before or even thought someone like me would be a candidate.

To be truthful, I was a 'babysitter assistant'. 'M' was asked by her brother to watch the 5 or 6 year old twins and the 12 or 13 year old daughter. The neighbors asked if we could their two kids as well.

I dunno, it was neat. The kids pretty much took care of themselves and the 12/13 year old daughter (who is extremely intelligent) stepped in to handle the minor issues that occurred.

It was especially nice for me because it gave me a chance to get integrated with 'M's' family. We have all met before but this is different. THIS is a family I can relate to. They are so close and caring. I want to be a part of that. I have never seen this type of closeness before and I want to be good enough to be a part of it.

I think I am. Time and reality will tell.
Pillthrill
Pillthrill
Pillthrill
God damn it all to fucking hell
I am craving SO SO Hard and I have nothing!! I can't order anything online because I have no debit or credit card if I did, I would have to wait a month for the tramadol to get here. I'm thinking about making pod tea and using paypal but I don't know shit about how to get the right pods. I did it a couple times before and NOTHING. GOD I'm going fucking insane. I am just sitting here crying. I want Tramadol SO SO bad. Hell I'd settle to be stoned but no one wants to set me up anymore with ANYTHING!
Sean doesn't understand, he doesn't want me on drugs so its not like I can turn to him to help me either...
I HATE THIS!
Pillthrill
Pillthrill
-Guido-
Rorschachs Jouranal. March 25, 2009.
Talking with Edited ~spork left bad taste in mouth. He is foolish and immature, going off topic and answering questions in a stupid manner. Possibly homosexual? Must remember to investigate further.
spork
spork
Pillthrill
In need of change
I feel restless, and unhealthy here. I am showing some of the same signs of stress I showed before that caused me to realize that the college I was attending was too demanding for me. MY had lost a lot of weight and my hair had started to fall out and sleep, well wasn't good either.

Now its happening all over again. This time the answer just isn't so simple. I don't know what I can change.

I WANT to move out of my parents house but I feel so helpless to be able to do that. Right now I'm going to school and just working a few days a week. My fear is that if I did move I couldn't pay the bills and the last thing I want to do is come back to my parents.

Plus there is the issue of my health needs. I'm on medications that I CAN NOT do without. I miss one day and my whole world starts to go down hill as you have recently seen. (I'm doing better today.) And there are other ones I need as well. There is the issue of my depo shot and the fact that I MUST have glasses so eye care is needed. Plus in order to get all the things and proper care that I need seeing a psych doc is needed. There is no way I could pay for all that.

I graduate spring 2010, I guess I could stay in this hell hole (although I don't pay rent of food or various other things so there is some blessings I guess) where I don't WANT to talk to anyone here and its quite often that I'm threatened with physical harm from my younger brother. Summer is coming and he will be around even more, dreading it.

My only hope is that I can find a good job with my psych degree, one that has some sort of medical coverage, but that is a long time from now. How can I manage being so restless here. And the way the world is going a job may not even be there, then what do I do? Live with my parents forever and work a shitty job that I hate? HELP?

I have so much homework to do. I can't stand to read that boring CRAP. One class I have already taken but, "It doesn't count becuase I took it under psychology and and BVU its offered only under sociology", are you kidding me? I have to PAY to take a class that I have already wasted my time and PAID to take?! Even the prof. said it was bs.

Any advice would be helpful. I know some of you have moved out on your own. Shit I feel like a child now. How did you manage or perhaps you just didn't have the situation I do.
Pillthrill
Pillthrill
Pillthrill
Panic Attack
(Can you get accused on blog whoring? I figure better here than on the boards...I'll get to that.)

After an hour of half of sleep I woke up at 5am feeling like the whole time I had been sleeping that I was fighting SO hard to sleep. I know I was actually in REM stage sleep because I had a dream that there was this girl that didn't get that my bf and I were together and wouldn't leave him alone and I was so worried that he would cheat on me and likely eventually get rid of me.

I woke up with my breathing and pulse through the roof. I tried to lay back down but there was no way that I was sleeping like that. I KNOW he would NOT cheat on me. But I still had myself pretty worked up. I took a couple kpins but hell I don't know if they will do ANY good. I've been eating them like skittles because I have no other drugs around and they don't do much for me anyway. God, everywhere I turn its something.

I'm thinking I SHOULD take a break from BL. It just seems to be hurting me more than its helping right now. I believe that a few really do seek to cause me pain. I'm not lying. There is one bitch (I'm not allowed to name names in my blog, which is stupid but I'll follow.) who just can't let shit go. She has to bring up past "wrongs" in her eyes and constantly get under my skin about them. I don't know what makes her think that she is SO god damn wonderful. Personally I think she is quit a post whore herself but no one calls her on it, Nooo.. I'm sorry that you feel so god damn shitty about yourself although you pretend you have a perfect life, News Flash, if you did you wouldn't be here, that you feel that you have to constantly go after me. Even when I didn't provoke it or say anything, perhaps I was just asking a simple god damn question. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE OR I'M SERIOUSLY GOING TO HAVE TO BE A BITCH ABOUT IT. And you know what will happen. I'll be the one that gets banned. Its just fucking bullshit that some people get called on their shit and their targeting of others and others don't.

Perhaps everyone has seen her naked enough that it doesn't matter. You know what. This is my journal, so I don't care how big and bad you think you fucking are. How beautiful and wonderful you think you are, its not self-confidence its arrogance. FUCK YOU!
god I've just had it with a few BLers.

But without BL pathetically I have nothing. No outlet, nothing. I try just not to respond to it. Some have said that I go to the threads and read it so I'm responsible for getting hurt. Well fuck, isn't it pretty normal to want to know what people are saying when they are talking about you?

I have grown in leaps and bounds in my behavior here and when times are shitty I try SO SO SO hard just to keep it here. Why can some people bitch and moan all they want and they don't catch shit but I do? I wish someone could just look at the evidence and see it from my side of the god damn screen...

I'm so lonely, so tired. I feel so worthless, so unwanted, so useless. None of these feelings are new to me at all. They have followed me all of my pathetic little life. Its a wonder I've made it this long.

(Had enough of the bullshit. Ignore list, now she can't hurt me anymore...)
Pillthrill
Pillthrill
OverDone
How dare they!
There should be a law that bans beer with an alcohol content less than 7%.
Pillthrill
Pillthrill
Pillthrill
Thoughts of why I'm not doing it...
I have half the mind to go get a long flexable tube, go out to my car, attach it to the tail pipe, put it through the window and tape it off. Take about 5 Ambien and a bunch of k-pins and crawl in under a blanket and never have to wake up and feel this pain again. Why don't I? I don't think I could live with what my death would do to the people around me. All I can think of is Sean and how much guilt he would feel. I know he would blame himself. Even though its not his fault. I don't know if just one day without medication or if it has stopped working altogether. All I've wanted was to help and make people happy, and if that meant me suffering, so be it. Perhaps some people are just put on the earth to suffer? It seems that I have most of my life, brief moments of happiness when medicated and it actually WORKS. Is all the suffering really worth it?I'm tired, so tired of being hurt and hurting...I broke down and asked a friend to find me some drugs, ANYTHING. But he can't. They NEVER can. I can't even order anything online because of the credit card issue. And I have no god damn contacts...god knowing that all I have is to continue to suffer without anything to dull it just makes me want to kill myself more. Why is this here where likely hardly anyone will see it? Because in general BL doesn't care. I show the way I see the world or my depression. I get labeled as a emo attention whore. I recently spent a lot less time suicdal than I used to but it doesn't even matter. Fuck it.
spork
spork
Pillthrill
Relief? Doubt it
I'm not anywhere convinced that writing this out is going to make me feel better. I'm a mess. I think it could be that I don't take my meds. Miss one day and the next 2 or so go to hell.

My ex is just haunting me. I am reminded of him everywhere I go. It kills me. I was fine the 6 months before now when we weren't together. I was convinced I was better, stronger, indestructable, healthier, and happier. Now, I know I'm not. I'm the same pathetic person I ever was. It kills me that I've been replaced by some perfect Barbie.
Oh does she know how he can be? Perhaps she doesn't care that he would rather be stoned and alone than be near her. He doesn't do hiw own dishes or laundry. He has to have his space. Will constantly accuse her of cheating and emotionally abuse her if need be...or perhaps it was just me. Perhaps I was the only one "special" enough to have such things.
He never had time to spend with me when we were together, but he has spent the WHOLE month of leave in North Carolina with her and just can't bear to leave.
I don't know why I can't seem to get over it all. I just wish I could force it all from my mind and concentrate on what I have.

Although that isn't much better. Sean and I can't spend 2 days together without fighting. I see much of my past relationship in it. I honestly think its all me. I don't have any idea how to have a productive relationship. I become so attacted to the person that I never want to leave them, want their attention and affection all the time and when I don't get enough I feel rejected, I can't stand to leave a fight unresolved and leave...not knowing if I will actually ever come back because that is how it has been before. I'm so afraid of being abandoned that I will do anything to prevent it. Even if I just apparently make it worse. Hell thats why I said in the abuse that I did and likely would go back to it. I'm so damn pathetic.

I'm trying to convince myself that I'm strong. Listening to Distrubed, provoking feelings of strength and anger rather than depression and a sadness that I can't explain, but its not working. I'm almost crying again. I just feel so tired, sick, at times when Sean and I are fighting I will just sink to the floor crying and just start staring at the wall, seperating myself from the situation as the feelings of dissociation, nausousness and dizziness overcome me. Its like I have a breaking point that I just can't handle it anymore. Thats where drugs used to come in but now there are none.

For now, as soon as the new debit card comes, I will have Tramadol. I HAVE to have that high again. I have to have some sort of crutch. I can't survive this world anymore alone. What else do I have?

Right now I'm just putting myself into isolation when possible so that perhaps I can get used to the pain of being alone again and I won't smother my bf anymore. That is what drove my ex to kick me out of the house after only a few months. "I was around too much." Sean and I don't live together...as he said last night "We are not married! We don't live together." God I am so worthless when it come to this. All I want is to always have someone there but thats not going to happen...

No, I don't feel any better. I feel more like shit. More like I will never have a long term meaningful relationship with someone that will understand me...well maybe because I don't even understand me. I feel like I'm better off just ending it now. I don't have to suffer rejection, pain and heartache all over again and again and again. I don't have to push myself to the breaking point in school and work. I don't have to waste away to a shell of a human being, I'm already physically working on that. 20 minutes ago I said I was surprised I was suicidal....yet.

Well the current lyrics I hear kinda speak it...
"It seems the whole experience is
Terrible, and crippling!
The pain is much more than physical
Beyond belief, when we’re alone!
Typical, enough for me!
That I burn inside in agony!
What power will enable me
To make this decision!
Despair has fallen over me
The way to hide the agony
Embracing my calamity
To save myself, once and for all!

In a world that I don’t wanna know
With the message that I never wanna send
To be freed from all of this
I want you to quicken my end!
Don’t tell me I cannot go
With a wound that refuses to mend!
Deliver me from all of this
I want you to quicken my end"
Dave
Dave
jaymie
Reverend Jaymie...
Taking the law into my own hands I can now marry people. hee hee! :)
jaymie
jaymie
TJ5
Sigh...Down with the sickness
It's early Mon morning. I have a lot to write, but am gonna just cover the basics for now cause I'll be crashing soon. I'm not sure exactly how long I've been a slave to tramadol, but it's been probably 6 months. I cut my dose from 10 pills a day to 5, suffered for 3 months because of it, then went down to 4 a month later. I felt fine for 18 hrs, but then the kicking would start. I have no money and I am desparate. I couldn't handle the thought of having to go through another 4 months of this hell, so unfortunately I had to take matters into my own hands. Detox was out because we're talking around 3 to 10 grand for a 3 day detox. Ibogaine is out because of not having $600 and no access from the USA. Gradually tappering I can't do anymore because I have a job I have to be at 5 fucking days and I dont even get 2 days in a row to kick in peace cause I'm off Mon and Wed.

I went down to my friend's house who's been a seasoned junkie for years. Since there's no telling when Dave's source will get off his ass 2 get me the shrooms I paid for, meanwhile prolonging the agony of the tramadol addiction, I got an idea. I realized that first off, when I was strung out on fiorinal and codeine pills 12 years ago with a 20-30 pill a day habit, when forced to quit, the physical kick lasted about 2 wks, and the tramadol is 10 times worse than that! I quit the tramadol completely on Thursday and took a couple pills of fiorinal #3's instead. So Saturday night, I explained my plight to Aimee and she affirmed the fact that she saw chicks in prison have horrific w/d's when forced to kick in prison. I've had a couple other junkies on line tell me they had the same problem so I know for a fact it's not my imagination.

I don't know how it is that a non narcotic drug that is not even a controlled substance in the drug laws of the anal USA is actually way more dangerous than so called real Rx dope, but all I know is that it is. If worst comes to worst, I thought I'll start weaning using 2 of my Fiorinal 3's, then go down to one pill the following week, maybe every other day and drink lots of grapefruit juice because it greatly enhances the effect of opiates. I bought some seraquils off Aimee. I've had them before and they aren't fun or anything, but one pill will knock me out so I can sleep 24 hrs, sometimes more. That was the first order of business. There was this guy that hangs out in the drug den that knew where to score X, so I bought 4 pills.

I'd never taken X before. The purpose of taking the X was to stave off W/D's, which they have for the last 36 hrs. That was the fun part of the beginning phase of this kicking. So far no pain. Still, the other problem that's been tripping me up is the fact I've got some dumb ass responsibility every day of the week lately. I called in sick Sunday, said I was sick in bed. About an hour ago I cancelled work for Tuesday, plus sent my patient's mom a text apologizing but wanting to give plenty of notice for her to find a replacement. I left messages cancelling my obligation to the NA helpline on Wed and I cancelled my dental appointment Wednesday. I left a note for Mom, she knows what I'm trying to do, but soon I'm going to pop a seraquil and do my damndest to sleep through the w/d's. I have 4 days to concentrate on nothing but getting over the kick and hopefully most of the sickness will be gone or tolerable by the time I have to report to work Thurs night.

Work is not gonna be happy, but it's not like I get much benefit for getting 2 unpaid days off which will be a motherfucker of a bitch trying to pay these bills. Next week, I'm going to petition probation and tell them there's no way I should owe them $1372. They base their calculations on each individual's ability to pay, but I was making more money before and wasn't saddled with medical, dental, student loan bills, gas, auto insurance, and auto maintainance, so fucking horse shit. I'm going to show them all these bills, plus my cut in pay, those fuckers at the very least ought to reduce the cost of having been on probation by 1/2, especially since I've already given them $800. You know what these fuckers are charging me for? Paper work that my PO had to do for the privelege of me being on probation, for someone I didn't even have to see except once.

Don't know what will come out of this, but I got the student loan people off my back until September. They agreed not to garnish my wages due to extreme financial hardship that it would cause, but I have to do the whole paper work and proof thing in another 6 months to keep them from garnishing my wages again. I'll also have to make my objections in writing over their demand that I pay $43,500 on an $8,000 loan. Granted, I know I blew them off all this time up until the past 8 months or so and started making payments, but sorry, I think that's just a tiny bit too steep. Working the Steps of NA has like my Mom pointed out enabled me to face and deal with unpleasant responsibilities. I know my sponsor and Jeff are concerned about me which is sweet, and other people in NA probably wonder why I've been scarse lately, going only to 1-2 meetings a week.

I'm not sure how and when I'm going to go about the business of telling them about my relapse, which technically started with the tramadol. The important thing at the time I was taking it, was what steps I've been doing to get off of it and I can honestly say I've put in a great deal of effort, but after 6 months of intense suffering, fuck it I can no longer deal with it and be expected to suffer through 4 or 5 months tapering gradually like I was and having to go to work full time. I work hard to be the very best nurse to these patients as I can be and while I don't necessarily go off on them, I can't actually enjoy my job and really be the kind of nurse these poor kids deserve. I'm squirming the entire time almost, just desparately wishing for the torture to be over. So, what normally is an enjoyable, easy job working with parents and kids that really like me feels like an endurance contest. They don't deserve that! I'm sad, angry, and so disappointed I let this happen, but the sickness just never wants to end!

Now that I don't have to prolong the suffering because of the fact I cancelled my responsiblilities, I can take Aimee's seraquil and God help me I hope I suffer most of the sickness in my sleep as I kick and thrash around in bed, but mercifully oblivious to the suffering, at least consciencly. And pray for me please that I will be well enough Thurs evening to be the kind of employee my patients and I deserve.
Pillthrill
Pillthrill
T
Blog virginity, given boosted plasma levels.
I am just going to introduce myself, who I am, who you maybe perceive me as (or what), what I do/like, dislike et cetra.

I am Twenty-Six (we are taught to write out the number such as, say...26? if it is <100). Attending my last and fifth year, or tenth semester, as a biology and biochemistry student with attempts in close proximity to my prescribed pain medications compliance to relief towards philosophy, economics, and chemistry (~50%, excuse me fifty-percent).

I just earned myself an interview for the intial and only pharmacy school I applied to, which is on the fifth of March. Strong letters of recommendation are great (preceptor of the year (my manager at the hospital I work at)), my organic chemistry teacher (top of her class), and my advisor who, literally thought I was talking out of my @$$ when I first told her I was going to be a pharmacist freshman year, which now we are friends and have been quite acquainted after five years. Enough of school, for now.

I see two doctors: a sports injury specialist (pysiatrist), and a internist. Between them I am prescribed (currently): #180, 5mg Oxycodone IR tablets (but they always give me capsules), #90, 7.5/750 Vicodin ES horse pills, #90, 5mg Diazepam tablets(with four refills), and #30, 25mg Amitriptyline tablets (with four refills). Correct that, three Valium and Amitriptyline refills (as they were just filled yesterday).

I have a unique mind, I have posts on myspace (that I rarely go on much anymore) that would interest people with interest in interesting peoples interested thoughts consisting of uniquity (What, did you think I was going to say interesting?). I will get those for you, depending on who draws attention to my post(s)/blog(s) and how many readers I accrue.

If you want to see me, request a myspace link, you may be accepted for the extra photos.

I am a very generous person and I go that returned today with a buddy handing me sixteen, fifteen milligram oxycodone IR pills, the light blue ones. I am currently running on approximately 20mg (oopps, deal!) of Diazepam, 10mg Cyclobenzeprine, and (unfortunately) 150mg of Oxycodone IR tablets (90mg this morning [because I had non for the second day], 30mg before work [~2p.m. Eastern Standard Time, and 30mg ninety-seven minutes ago (5:55 p.m.)]). I am not high, I am in relief of pain, well the majority.

I have to cut this short(er) than I would like it; as I have a lot to say and a unique mind. Me, me, me that is all "I" ever talk about, anyways. I am at work and must close up.

I love replies of criticism, politeness, comments, or just neutral (even if they are positive & negative [or else they wouldn't be neutral]).

Take care everyone. Talk to you soon, I hope.

PS: For work, I work as a technician retail and in a hospital, and my 3rd (third) job is at a nursing home. I got a tutoring job offer (at my convenience for $18/hr that I may take), I only have four classes this semester.

PSS: I also volunteer...
ThePharmacist25
T
Dastrix Slogan
Party throat and the inevitable!
Well I was at a day event yesterday, yes like all day with music at 138bpm+. Walked out at 7pm smelling like I'd rolled around in an ashtray and a gut so acidic I could dissolve tungsten in 5 minutes. Music was sitting at 170bpm then. Thought we'd learn but went over to a friends place, got drizzunk on Jaegerbombs and by midnight my body gave up, we were mixing at 175 bpm then. heh. I got party throat from shouting over the music all day.

Woke up at like 7, ate some oats (in bed), then read some of my book (still in bed) and slept till about 1:30, now that's a Sunday!

Got an sms (text) from my friend on the coast, his massive sound system is sitting under a carport at his inlaws place (where he unfortunately has to stay for the time being - and they treating him like crap right now - the fuckers), he's been trying to sell it but because of the current economic situation no-one is buying. Hes getting flak for it being there, and if it stays there too long its eventually going to rot. Its a labor of love 14Kw monster sound rig with 2 lasers, and a ton of lights. Too big for most clubs around here actually. Short a pair of CDJ's for a big big party really. He offered to let myself and friends use it just to take it off his hands for now.

We discussed it and are going to make plans to move it up here and keep it in storage till September (our spring, we going into autumn now) and plan something BIG.

Was discussing this with friends in feb, that we should keep our ears open for a small warehouse that desperately is looking for tenants by summer, it looks like our hands are being forced here, its become the inevitable.

About bloody time really!
Dastrix Slogan
Dastrix Slogan
MazDan
Ace Ace Baby. Part 2.
The next day I started my training. i am not permitted inside the main part of the house unless I am invited in and when my master is away I am locked in a cage but my besty gets locked up as well. I cried a lot the first time and eventually cried myself to sleep.

An hour or so later we were let out and taken for more training and some exersize at the local park where we got to meet some dogs and had a game with them. It was great fun although i was a bit scared of being bitten but it was all good.

I wasnt feeling the best that night and thought maybe I had overdone all the work and exercise throughout the day.

My master must have also seen that something was wrong and so he took me to see a doctor. Predictably the doctor told me I was cute and also gave me some pills to take because it appears i might have worms. ooky pooky.

I was very sick that evening and many times vomitted throughout the night. I also had a diareae problem. I weighed a measly 3 kgs.

On the good side of things though, my lady friend realised that I was in a bad way and started to show that she had some compassion. She even allowed me to snuggle up to her on one cold morning. Even though I was still very sick, I, for the first time really started to feel happy.

A couple of days later I was teasing her and she was responding in like manner. We were bonding and that bonding was building a very solid friendship. A friendship that I now know will never be broken.

My girlfriend is about 12 months older than me, I know its a bit strange going out with someone thats a whole year older but she is worth it. She is such a beautiful girl. i will try and organise some pics for you all real soon.
MazDan
MazDan
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