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I feel restless, and unhealthy here. I am showing some of the same signs of stress I showed before that caused me to realize that the college I was attending was too demanding for me. MY had lost a lot of weight and my hair had started to fall out and sleep, well wasn't good either.
Now its happening all over again. This time the answer just isn't so simple. I don't know what I can change.
I WANT to move out of my parents house but I feel so helpless to be able to do that. Right now I'm going to school and just working a few days a week. My fear is that if I did move I couldn't pay the bills and the last thing I want to do is come back to my parents.
Plus there is the issue of my health needs. I'm on medications that I CAN NOT do without. I miss one day and my whole world starts to go down hill as you have recently seen. (I'm doing better today.) And there are other ones I need as well. There is the issue of my depo shot and the fact that I MUST have glasses so eye care is needed. Plus in order to get all the things and proper care that I need seeing a psych doc is needed. There is no way I could pay for all that.
I graduate spring 2010, I guess I could stay in this hell hole (although I don't pay rent of food or various other things so there is some blessings I guess) where I don't WANT to talk to anyone here and its quite often that I'm threatened with physical harm from my younger brother. Summer is coming and he will be around even more, dreading it.
My only hope is that I can find a good job with my psych degree, one that has some sort of medical coverage, but that is a long time from now. How can I manage being so restless here. And the way the world is going a job may not even be there, then what do I do? Live with my parents forever and work a shitty job that I hate? HELP?
I have so much homework to do. I can't stand to read that boring CRAP. One class I have already taken but, "It doesn't count becuase I took it under psychology and and BVU its offered only under sociology", are you kidding me? I have to PAY to take a class that I have already wasted my time and PAID to take?! Even the prof. said it was bs.
Any advice would be helpful. I know some of you have moved out on your own. Shit I feel like a child now. How did you manage or perhaps you just didn't have the situation I do.
Now its happening all over again. This time the answer just isn't so simple. I don't know what I can change.
I WANT to move out of my parents house but I feel so helpless to be able to do that. Right now I'm going to school and just working a few days a week. My fear is that if I did move I couldn't pay the bills and the last thing I want to do is come back to my parents.
Plus there is the issue of my health needs. I'm on medications that I CAN NOT do without. I miss one day and my whole world starts to go down hill as you have recently seen. (I'm doing better today.) And there are other ones I need as well. There is the issue of my depo shot and the fact that I MUST have glasses so eye care is needed. Plus in order to get all the things and proper care that I need seeing a psych doc is needed. There is no way I could pay for all that.
I graduate spring 2010, I guess I could stay in this hell hole (although I don't pay rent of food or various other things so there is some blessings I guess) where I don't WANT to talk to anyone here and its quite often that I'm threatened with physical harm from my younger brother. Summer is coming and he will be around even more, dreading it.
My only hope is that I can find a good job with my psych degree, one that has some sort of medical coverage, but that is a long time from now. How can I manage being so restless here. And the way the world is going a job may not even be there, then what do I do? Live with my parents forever and work a shitty job that I hate? HELP?
I have so much homework to do. I can't stand to read that boring CRAP. One class I have already taken but, "It doesn't count becuase I took it under psychology and and BVU its offered only under sociology", are you kidding me? I have to PAY to take a class that I have already wasted my time and PAID to take?! Even the prof. said it was bs.
Any advice would be helpful. I know some of you have moved out on your own. Shit I feel like a child now. How did you manage or perhaps you just didn't have the situation I do.
(Can you get accused on blog whoring? I figure better here than on the boards...I'll get to that.)
After an hour of half of sleep I woke up at 5am feeling like the whole time I had been sleeping that I was fighting SO hard to sleep. I know I was actually in REM stage sleep because I had a dream that there was this girl that didn't get that my bf and I were together and wouldn't leave him alone and I was so worried that he would cheat on me and likely eventually get rid of me.
I woke up with my breathing and pulse through the roof. I tried to lay back down but there was no way that I was sleeping like that. I KNOW he would NOT cheat on me. But I still had myself pretty worked up. I took a couple kpins but hell I don't know if they will do ANY good. I've been eating them like skittles because I have no other drugs around and they don't do much for me anyway. God, everywhere I turn its something.
I'm thinking I SHOULD take a break from BL. It just seems to be hurting me more than its helping right now. I believe that a few really do seek to cause me pain. I'm not lying. There is one bitch (I'm not allowed to name names in my blog, which is stupid but I'll follow.) who just can't let shit go. She has to bring up past "wrongs" in her eyes and constantly get under my skin about them. I don't know what makes her think that she is SO god damn wonderful. Personally I think she is quit a post whore herself but no one calls her on it, Nooo.. I'm sorry that you feel so god damn shitty about yourself although you pretend you have a perfect life, News Flash, if you did you wouldn't be here, that you feel that you have to constantly go after me. Even when I didn't provoke it or say anything, perhaps I was just asking a simple god damn question. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE OR I'M SERIOUSLY GOING TO HAVE TO BE A BITCH ABOUT IT. And you know what will happen. I'll be the one that gets banned. Its just fucking bullshit that some people get called on their shit and their targeting of others and others don't.
Perhaps everyone has seen her naked enough that it doesn't matter. You know what. This is my journal, so I don't care how big and bad you think you fucking are. How beautiful and wonderful you think you are, its not self-confidence its arrogance. FUCK YOU!
god I've just had it with a few BLers.
But without BL pathetically I have nothing. No outlet, nothing. I try just not to respond to it. Some have said that I go to the threads and read it so I'm responsible for getting hurt. Well fuck, isn't it pretty normal to want to know what people are saying when they are talking about you?
I have grown in leaps and bounds in my behavior here and when times are shitty I try SO SO SO hard just to keep it here. Why can some people bitch and moan all they want and they don't catch shit but I do? I wish someone could just look at the evidence and see it from my side of the god damn screen...
I'm so lonely, so tired. I feel so worthless, so unwanted, so useless. None of these feelings are new to me at all. They have followed me all of my pathetic little life. Its a wonder I've made it this long.
(Had enough of the bullshit. Ignore list, now she can't hurt me anymore...)
After an hour of half of sleep I woke up at 5am feeling like the whole time I had been sleeping that I was fighting SO hard to sleep. I know I was actually in REM stage sleep because I had a dream that there was this girl that didn't get that my bf and I were together and wouldn't leave him alone and I was so worried that he would cheat on me and likely eventually get rid of me.
I woke up with my breathing and pulse through the roof. I tried to lay back down but there was no way that I was sleeping like that. I KNOW he would NOT cheat on me. But I still had myself pretty worked up. I took a couple kpins but hell I don't know if they will do ANY good. I've been eating them like skittles because I have no other drugs around and they don't do much for me anyway. God, everywhere I turn its something.
I'm thinking I SHOULD take a break from BL. It just seems to be hurting me more than its helping right now. I believe that a few really do seek to cause me pain. I'm not lying. There is one bitch (I'm not allowed to name names in my blog, which is stupid but I'll follow.) who just can't let shit go. She has to bring up past "wrongs" in her eyes and constantly get under my skin about them. I don't know what makes her think that she is SO god damn wonderful. Personally I think she is quit a post whore herself but no one calls her on it, Nooo.. I'm sorry that you feel so god damn shitty about yourself although you pretend you have a perfect life, News Flash, if you did you wouldn't be here, that you feel that you have to constantly go after me. Even when I didn't provoke it or say anything, perhaps I was just asking a simple god damn question. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE OR I'M SERIOUSLY GOING TO HAVE TO BE A BITCH ABOUT IT. And you know what will happen. I'll be the one that gets banned. Its just fucking bullshit that some people get called on their shit and their targeting of others and others don't.
Perhaps everyone has seen her naked enough that it doesn't matter. You know what. This is my journal, so I don't care how big and bad you think you fucking are. How beautiful and wonderful you think you are, its not self-confidence its arrogance. FUCK YOU!
god I've just had it with a few BLers.
But without BL pathetically I have nothing. No outlet, nothing. I try just not to respond to it. Some have said that I go to the threads and read it so I'm responsible for getting hurt. Well fuck, isn't it pretty normal to want to know what people are saying when they are talking about you?
I have grown in leaps and bounds in my behavior here and when times are shitty I try SO SO SO hard just to keep it here. Why can some people bitch and moan all they want and they don't catch shit but I do? I wish someone could just look at the evidence and see it from my side of the god damn screen...
I'm so lonely, so tired. I feel so worthless, so unwanted, so useless. None of these feelings are new to me at all. They have followed me all of my pathetic little life. Its a wonder I've made it this long.
(Had enough of the bullshit. Ignore list, now she can't hurt me anymore...)
I have half the mind to go get a long flexable tube, go out to my car, attach it to the tail pipe, put it through the window and tape it off. Take about 5 Ambien and a bunch of k-pins and crawl in under a blanket and never have to wake up and feel this pain again. Why don't I? I don't think I could live with what my death would do to the people around me. All I can think of is Sean and how much guilt he would feel. I know he would blame himself. Even though its not his fault. I don't know if just one day without medication or if it has stopped working altogether. All I've wanted was to help and make people happy, and if that meant me suffering, so be it. Perhaps some people are just put on the earth to suffer? It seems that I have most of my life, brief moments of happiness when medicated and it actually WORKS. Is all the suffering really worth it?I'm tired, so tired of being hurt and hurting...I broke down and asked a friend to find me some drugs, ANYTHING. But he can't. They NEVER can. I can't even order anything online because of the credit card issue. And I have no god damn contacts...god knowing that all I have is to continue to suffer without anything to dull it just makes me want to kill myself more. Why is this here where likely hardly anyone will see it? Because in general BL doesn't care. I show the way I see the world or my depression. I get labeled as a emo attention whore. I recently spent a lot less time suicdal than I used to but it doesn't even matter. Fuck it.
I'm not anywhere convinced that writing this out is going to make me feel better. I'm a mess. I think it could be that I don't take my meds. Miss one day and the next 2 or so go to hell.
My ex is just haunting me. I am reminded of him everywhere I go. It kills me. I was fine the 6 months before now when we weren't together. I was convinced I was better, stronger, indestructable, healthier, and happier. Now, I know I'm not. I'm the same pathetic person I ever was. It kills me that I've been replaced by some perfect Barbie.
Oh does she know how he can be? Perhaps she doesn't care that he would rather be stoned and alone than be near her. He doesn't do hiw own dishes or laundry. He has to have his space. Will constantly accuse her of cheating and emotionally abuse her if need be...or perhaps it was just me. Perhaps I was the only one "special" enough to have such things.
He never had time to spend with me when we were together, but he has spent the WHOLE month of leave in North Carolina with her and just can't bear to leave.
I don't know why I can't seem to get over it all. I just wish I could force it all from my mind and concentrate on what I have.
Although that isn't much better. Sean and I can't spend 2 days together without fighting. I see much of my past relationship in it. I honestly think its all me. I don't have any idea how to have a productive relationship. I become so attacted to the person that I never want to leave them, want their attention and affection all the time and when I don't get enough I feel rejected, I can't stand to leave a fight unresolved and leave...not knowing if I will actually ever come back because that is how it has been before. I'm so afraid of being abandoned that I will do anything to prevent it. Even if I just apparently make it worse. Hell thats why I said in the abuse that I did and likely would go back to it. I'm so damn pathetic.
I'm trying to convince myself that I'm strong. Listening to Distrubed, provoking feelings of strength and anger rather than depression and a sadness that I can't explain, but its not working. I'm almost crying again. I just feel so tired, sick, at times when Sean and I are fighting I will just sink to the floor crying and just start staring at the wall, seperating myself from the situation as the feelings of dissociation, nausousness and dizziness overcome me. Its like I have a breaking point that I just can't handle it anymore. Thats where drugs used to come in but now there are none.
For now, as soon as the new debit card comes, I will have Tramadol. I HAVE to have that high again. I have to have some sort of crutch. I can't survive this world anymore alone. What else do I have?
Right now I'm just putting myself into isolation when possible so that perhaps I can get used to the pain of being alone again and I won't smother my bf anymore. That is what drove my ex to kick me out of the house after only a few months. "I was around too much." Sean and I don't live together...as he said last night "We are not married! We don't live together." God I am so worthless when it come to this. All I want is to always have someone there but thats not going to happen...
No, I don't feel any better. I feel more like shit. More like I will never have a long term meaningful relationship with someone that will understand me...well maybe because I don't even understand me. I feel like I'm better off just ending it now. I don't have to suffer rejection, pain and heartache all over again and again and again. I don't have to push myself to the breaking point in school and work. I don't have to waste away to a shell of a human being, I'm already physically working on that. 20 minutes ago I said I was surprised I was suicidal....yet.
Well the current lyrics I hear kinda speak it...
"It seems the whole experience is
Terrible, and crippling!
The pain is much more than physical
Beyond belief, when we’re alone!
Typical, enough for me!
That I burn inside in agony!
What power will enable me
To make this decision!
Despair has fallen over me
The way to hide the agony
Embracing my calamity
To save myself, once and for all!
In a world that I don’t wanna know
With the message that I never wanna send
To be freed from all of this
I want you to quicken my end!
Don’t tell me I cannot go
With a wound that refuses to mend!
Deliver me from all of this
I want you to quicken my end"
My ex is just haunting me. I am reminded of him everywhere I go. It kills me. I was fine the 6 months before now when we weren't together. I was convinced I was better, stronger, indestructable, healthier, and happier. Now, I know I'm not. I'm the same pathetic person I ever was. It kills me that I've been replaced by some perfect Barbie.
Oh does she know how he can be? Perhaps she doesn't care that he would rather be stoned and alone than be near her. He doesn't do hiw own dishes or laundry. He has to have his space. Will constantly accuse her of cheating and emotionally abuse her if need be...or perhaps it was just me. Perhaps I was the only one "special" enough to have such things.
He never had time to spend with me when we were together, but he has spent the WHOLE month of leave in North Carolina with her and just can't bear to leave.
I don't know why I can't seem to get over it all. I just wish I could force it all from my mind and concentrate on what I have.
Although that isn't much better. Sean and I can't spend 2 days together without fighting. I see much of my past relationship in it. I honestly think its all me. I don't have any idea how to have a productive relationship. I become so attacted to the person that I never want to leave them, want their attention and affection all the time and when I don't get enough I feel rejected, I can't stand to leave a fight unresolved and leave...not knowing if I will actually ever come back because that is how it has been before. I'm so afraid of being abandoned that I will do anything to prevent it. Even if I just apparently make it worse. Hell thats why I said in the abuse that I did and likely would go back to it. I'm so damn pathetic.
I'm trying to convince myself that I'm strong. Listening to Distrubed, provoking feelings of strength and anger rather than depression and a sadness that I can't explain, but its not working. I'm almost crying again. I just feel so tired, sick, at times when Sean and I are fighting I will just sink to the floor crying and just start staring at the wall, seperating myself from the situation as the feelings of dissociation, nausousness and dizziness overcome me. Its like I have a breaking point that I just can't handle it anymore. Thats where drugs used to come in but now there are none.
For now, as soon as the new debit card comes, I will have Tramadol. I HAVE to have that high again. I have to have some sort of crutch. I can't survive this world anymore alone. What else do I have?
Right now I'm just putting myself into isolation when possible so that perhaps I can get used to the pain of being alone again and I won't smother my bf anymore. That is what drove my ex to kick me out of the house after only a few months. "I was around too much." Sean and I don't live together...as he said last night "We are not married! We don't live together." God I am so worthless when it come to this. All I want is to always have someone there but thats not going to happen...
No, I don't feel any better. I feel more like shit. More like I will never have a long term meaningful relationship with someone that will understand me...well maybe because I don't even understand me. I feel like I'm better off just ending it now. I don't have to suffer rejection, pain and heartache all over again and again and again. I don't have to push myself to the breaking point in school and work. I don't have to waste away to a shell of a human being, I'm already physically working on that. 20 minutes ago I said I was surprised I was suicidal....yet.
Well the current lyrics I hear kinda speak it...
"It seems the whole experience is
Terrible, and crippling!
The pain is much more than physical
Beyond belief, when we’re alone!
Typical, enough for me!
That I burn inside in agony!
What power will enable me
To make this decision!
Despair has fallen over me
The way to hide the agony
Embracing my calamity
To save myself, once and for all!
In a world that I don’t wanna know
With the message that I never wanna send
To be freed from all of this
I want you to quicken my end!
Don’t tell me I cannot go
With a wound that refuses to mend!
Deliver me from all of this
I want you to quicken my end"
It's early Mon morning. I have a lot to write, but am gonna just cover the basics for now cause I'll be crashing soon. I'm not sure exactly how long I've been a slave to tramadol, but it's been probably 6 months. I cut my dose from 10 pills a day to 5, suffered for 3 months because of it, then went down to 4 a month later. I felt fine for 18 hrs, but then the kicking would start. I have no money and I am desparate. I couldn't handle the thought of having to go through another 4 months of this hell, so unfortunately I had to take matters into my own hands. Detox was out because we're talking around 3 to 10 grand for a 3 day detox. Ibogaine is out because of not having $600 and no access from the USA. Gradually tappering I can't do anymore because I have a job I have to be at 5 fucking days and I dont even get 2 days in a row to kick in peace cause I'm off Mon and Wed.
I went down to my friend's house who's been a seasoned junkie for years. Since there's no telling when Dave's source will get off his ass 2 get me the shrooms I paid for, meanwhile prolonging the agony of the tramadol addiction, I got an idea. I realized that first off, when I was strung out on fiorinal and codeine pills 12 years ago with a 20-30 pill a day habit, when forced to quit, the physical kick lasted about 2 wks, and the tramadol is 10 times worse than that! I quit the tramadol completely on Thursday and took a couple pills of fiorinal #3's instead. So Saturday night, I explained my plight to Aimee and she affirmed the fact that she saw chicks in prison have horrific w/d's when forced to kick in prison. I've had a couple other junkies on line tell me they had the same problem so I know for a fact it's not my imagination.
I don't know how it is that a non narcotic drug that is not even a controlled substance in the drug laws of the anal USA is actually way more dangerous than so called real Rx dope, but all I know is that it is. If worst comes to worst, I thought I'll start weaning using 2 of my Fiorinal 3's, then go down to one pill the following week, maybe every other day and drink lots of grapefruit juice because it greatly enhances the effect of opiates. I bought some seraquils off Aimee. I've had them before and they aren't fun or anything, but one pill will knock me out so I can sleep 24 hrs, sometimes more. That was the first order of business. There was this guy that hangs out in the drug den that knew where to score X, so I bought 4 pills.
I'd never taken X before. The purpose of taking the X was to stave off W/D's, which they have for the last 36 hrs. That was the fun part of the beginning phase of this kicking. So far no pain. Still, the other problem that's been tripping me up is the fact I've got some dumb ass responsibility every day of the week lately. I called in sick Sunday, said I was sick in bed. About an hour ago I cancelled work for Tuesday, plus sent my patient's mom a text apologizing but wanting to give plenty of notice for her to find a replacement. I left messages cancelling my obligation to the NA helpline on Wed and I cancelled my dental appointment Wednesday. I left a note for Mom, she knows what I'm trying to do, but soon I'm going to pop a seraquil and do my damndest to sleep through the w/d's. I have 4 days to concentrate on nothing but getting over the kick and hopefully most of the sickness will be gone or tolerable by the time I have to report to work Thurs night.
Work is not gonna be happy, but it's not like I get much benefit for getting 2 unpaid days off which will be a motherfucker of a bitch trying to pay these bills. Next week, I'm going to petition probation and tell them there's no way I should owe them $1372. They base their calculations on each individual's ability to pay, but I was making more money before and wasn't saddled with medical, dental, student loan bills, gas, auto insurance, and auto maintainance, so fucking horse shit. I'm going to show them all these bills, plus my cut in pay, those fuckers at the very least ought to reduce the cost of having been on probation by 1/2, especially since I've already given them $800. You know what these fuckers are charging me for? Paper work that my PO had to do for the privelege of me being on probation, for someone I didn't even have to see except once.
Don't know what will come out of this, but I got the student loan people off my back until September. They agreed not to garnish my wages due to extreme financial hardship that it would cause, but I have to do the whole paper work and proof thing in another 6 months to keep them from garnishing my wages again. I'll also have to make my objections in writing over their demand that I pay $43,500 on an $8,000 loan. Granted, I know I blew them off all this time up until the past 8 months or so and started making payments, but sorry, I think that's just a tiny bit too steep. Working the Steps of NA has like my Mom pointed out enabled me to face and deal with unpleasant responsibilities. I know my sponsor and Jeff are concerned about me which is sweet, and other people in NA probably wonder why I've been scarse lately, going only to 1-2 meetings a week.
I'm not sure how and when I'm going to go about the business of telling them about my relapse, which technically started with the tramadol. The important thing at the time I was taking it, was what steps I've been doing to get off of it and I can honestly say I've put in a great deal of effort, but after 6 months of intense suffering, fuck it I can no longer deal with it and be expected to suffer through 4 or 5 months tapering gradually like I was and having to go to work full time. I work hard to be the very best nurse to these patients as I can be and while I don't necessarily go off on them, I can't actually enjoy my job and really be the kind of nurse these poor kids deserve. I'm squirming the entire time almost, just desparately wishing for the torture to be over. So, what normally is an enjoyable, easy job working with parents and kids that really like me feels like an endurance contest. They don't deserve that! I'm sad, angry, and so disappointed I let this happen, but the sickness just never wants to end!
Now that I don't have to prolong the suffering because of the fact I cancelled my responsiblilities, I can take Aimee's seraquil and God help me I hope I suffer most of the sickness in my sleep as I kick and thrash around in bed, but mercifully oblivious to the suffering, at least consciencly. And pray for me please that I will be well enough Thurs evening to be the kind of employee my patients and I deserve.
I went down to my friend's house who's been a seasoned junkie for years. Since there's no telling when Dave's source will get off his ass 2 get me the shrooms I paid for, meanwhile prolonging the agony of the tramadol addiction, I got an idea. I realized that first off, when I was strung out on fiorinal and codeine pills 12 years ago with a 20-30 pill a day habit, when forced to quit, the physical kick lasted about 2 wks, and the tramadol is 10 times worse than that! I quit the tramadol completely on Thursday and took a couple pills of fiorinal #3's instead. So Saturday night, I explained my plight to Aimee and she affirmed the fact that she saw chicks in prison have horrific w/d's when forced to kick in prison. I've had a couple other junkies on line tell me they had the same problem so I know for a fact it's not my imagination.
I don't know how it is that a non narcotic drug that is not even a controlled substance in the drug laws of the anal USA is actually way more dangerous than so called real Rx dope, but all I know is that it is. If worst comes to worst, I thought I'll start weaning using 2 of my Fiorinal 3's, then go down to one pill the following week, maybe every other day and drink lots of grapefruit juice because it greatly enhances the effect of opiates. I bought some seraquils off Aimee. I've had them before and they aren't fun or anything, but one pill will knock me out so I can sleep 24 hrs, sometimes more. That was the first order of business. There was this guy that hangs out in the drug den that knew where to score X, so I bought 4 pills.
I'd never taken X before. The purpose of taking the X was to stave off W/D's, which they have for the last 36 hrs. That was the fun part of the beginning phase of this kicking. So far no pain. Still, the other problem that's been tripping me up is the fact I've got some dumb ass responsibility every day of the week lately. I called in sick Sunday, said I was sick in bed. About an hour ago I cancelled work for Tuesday, plus sent my patient's mom a text apologizing but wanting to give plenty of notice for her to find a replacement. I left messages cancelling my obligation to the NA helpline on Wed and I cancelled my dental appointment Wednesday. I left a note for Mom, she knows what I'm trying to do, but soon I'm going to pop a seraquil and do my damndest to sleep through the w/d's. I have 4 days to concentrate on nothing but getting over the kick and hopefully most of the sickness will be gone or tolerable by the time I have to report to work Thurs night.
Work is not gonna be happy, but it's not like I get much benefit for getting 2 unpaid days off which will be a motherfucker of a bitch trying to pay these bills. Next week, I'm going to petition probation and tell them there's no way I should owe them $1372. They base their calculations on each individual's ability to pay, but I was making more money before and wasn't saddled with medical, dental, student loan bills, gas, auto insurance, and auto maintainance, so fucking horse shit. I'm going to show them all these bills, plus my cut in pay, those fuckers at the very least ought to reduce the cost of having been on probation by 1/2, especially since I've already given them $800. You know what these fuckers are charging me for? Paper work that my PO had to do for the privelege of me being on probation, for someone I didn't even have to see except once.
Don't know what will come out of this, but I got the student loan people off my back until September. They agreed not to garnish my wages due to extreme financial hardship that it would cause, but I have to do the whole paper work and proof thing in another 6 months to keep them from garnishing my wages again. I'll also have to make my objections in writing over their demand that I pay $43,500 on an $8,000 loan. Granted, I know I blew them off all this time up until the past 8 months or so and started making payments, but sorry, I think that's just a tiny bit too steep. Working the Steps of NA has like my Mom pointed out enabled me to face and deal with unpleasant responsibilities. I know my sponsor and Jeff are concerned about me which is sweet, and other people in NA probably wonder why I've been scarse lately, going only to 1-2 meetings a week.
I'm not sure how and when I'm going to go about the business of telling them about my relapse, which technically started with the tramadol. The important thing at the time I was taking it, was what steps I've been doing to get off of it and I can honestly say I've put in a great deal of effort, but after 6 months of intense suffering, fuck it I can no longer deal with it and be expected to suffer through 4 or 5 months tapering gradually like I was and having to go to work full time. I work hard to be the very best nurse to these patients as I can be and while I don't necessarily go off on them, I can't actually enjoy my job and really be the kind of nurse these poor kids deserve. I'm squirming the entire time almost, just desparately wishing for the torture to be over. So, what normally is an enjoyable, easy job working with parents and kids that really like me feels like an endurance contest. They don't deserve that! I'm sad, angry, and so disappointed I let this happen, but the sickness just never wants to end!
Now that I don't have to prolong the suffering because of the fact I cancelled my responsiblilities, I can take Aimee's seraquil and God help me I hope I suffer most of the sickness in my sleep as I kick and thrash around in bed, but mercifully oblivious to the suffering, at least consciencly. And pray for me please that I will be well enough Thurs evening to be the kind of employee my patients and I deserve.
I am just going to introduce myself, who I am, who you maybe perceive me as (or what), what I do/like, dislike et cetra.
I am Twenty-Six (we are taught to write out the number such as, say...26? if it is <100). Attending my last and fifth year, or tenth semester, as a biology and biochemistry student with attempts in close proximity to my prescribed pain medications compliance to relief towards philosophy, economics, and chemistry (~50%, excuse me fifty-percent).
I just earned myself an interview for the intial and only pharmacy school I applied to, which is on the fifth of March. Strong letters of recommendation are great (preceptor of the year (my manager at the hospital I work at)), my organic chemistry teacher (top of her class), and my advisor who, literally thought I was talking out of my @$$ when I first told her I was going to be a pharmacist freshman year, which now we are friends and have been quite acquainted after five years. Enough of school, for now.
I see two doctors: a sports injury specialist (pysiatrist), and a internist. Between them I am prescribed (currently): #180, 5mg Oxycodone IR tablets (but they always give me capsules), #90, 7.5/750 Vicodin ES horse pills, #90, 5mg Diazepam tablets(with four refills), and #30, 25mg Amitriptyline tablets (with four refills). Correct that, three Valium and Amitriptyline refills (as they were just filled yesterday).
I have a unique mind, I have posts on myspace (that I rarely go on much anymore) that would interest people with interest in interesting peoples interested thoughts consisting of uniquity (What, did you think I was going to say interesting?). I will get those for you, depending on who draws attention to my post(s)/blog(s) and how many readers I accrue.
If you want to see me, request a myspace link, you may be accepted for the extra photos.
I am a very generous person and I go that returned today with a buddy handing me sixteen, fifteen milligram oxycodone IR pills, the light blue ones. I am currently running on approximately 20mg (oopps, deal!) of Diazepam, 10mg Cyclobenzeprine, and (unfortunately) 150mg of Oxycodone IR tablets (90mg this morning [because I had non for the second day], 30mg before work [~2p.m. Eastern Standard Time, and 30mg ninety-seven minutes ago (5:55 p.m.)]). I am not high, I am in relief of pain, well the majority.
I have to cut this short(er) than I would like it; as I have a lot to say and a unique mind. Me, me, me that is all "I" ever talk about, anyways. I am at work and must close up.
I love replies of criticism, politeness, comments, or just neutral (even if they are positive & negative [or else they wouldn't be neutral]).
Take care everyone. Talk to you soon, I hope.
PS: For work, I work as a technician retail and in a hospital, and my 3rd (third) job is at a nursing home. I got a tutoring job offer (at my convenience for $18/hr that I may take), I only have four classes this semester.
PSS: I also volunteer...
I am Twenty-Six (we are taught to write out the number such as, say...26? if it is <100). Attending my last and fifth year, or tenth semester, as a biology and biochemistry student with attempts in close proximity to my prescribed pain medications compliance to relief towards philosophy, economics, and chemistry (~50%, excuse me fifty-percent).
I just earned myself an interview for the intial and only pharmacy school I applied to, which is on the fifth of March. Strong letters of recommendation are great (preceptor of the year (my manager at the hospital I work at)), my organic chemistry teacher (top of her class), and my advisor who, literally thought I was talking out of my @$$ when I first told her I was going to be a pharmacist freshman year, which now we are friends and have been quite acquainted after five years. Enough of school, for now.
I see two doctors: a sports injury specialist (pysiatrist), and a internist. Between them I am prescribed (currently): #180, 5mg Oxycodone IR tablets (but they always give me capsules), #90, 7.5/750 Vicodin ES horse pills, #90, 5mg Diazepam tablets(with four refills), and #30, 25mg Amitriptyline tablets (with four refills). Correct that, three Valium and Amitriptyline refills (as they were just filled yesterday).
I have a unique mind, I have posts on myspace (that I rarely go on much anymore) that would interest people with interest in interesting peoples interested thoughts consisting of uniquity (What, did you think I was going to say interesting?). I will get those for you, depending on who draws attention to my post(s)/blog(s) and how many readers I accrue.
If you want to see me, request a myspace link, you may be accepted for the extra photos.
I am a very generous person and I go that returned today with a buddy handing me sixteen, fifteen milligram oxycodone IR pills, the light blue ones. I am currently running on approximately 20mg (oopps, deal!) of Diazepam, 10mg Cyclobenzeprine, and (unfortunately) 150mg of Oxycodone IR tablets (90mg this morning [because I had non for the second day], 30mg before work [~2p.m. Eastern Standard Time, and 30mg ninety-seven minutes ago (5:55 p.m.)]). I am not high, I am in relief of pain, well the majority.
I have to cut this short(er) than I would like it; as I have a lot to say and a unique mind. Me, me, me that is all "I" ever talk about, anyways. I am at work and must close up.
I love replies of criticism, politeness, comments, or just neutral (even if they are positive & negative [or else they wouldn't be neutral]).
Take care everyone. Talk to you soon, I hope.
PS: For work, I work as a technician retail and in a hospital, and my 3rd (third) job is at a nursing home. I got a tutoring job offer (at my convenience for $18/hr that I may take), I only have four classes this semester.
PSS: I also volunteer...
Well I was at a day event yesterday, yes like all day with music at 138bpm+. Walked out at 7pm smelling like I'd rolled around in an ashtray and a gut so acidic I could dissolve tungsten in 5 minutes. Music was sitting at 170bpm then. Thought we'd learn but went over to a friends place, got drizzunk on Jaegerbombs and by midnight my body gave up, we were mixing at 175 bpm then. heh. I got party throat from shouting over the music all day.
Woke up at like 7, ate some oats (in bed), then read some of my book (still in bed) and slept till about 1:30, now that's a Sunday!
Got an sms (text) from my friend on the coast, his massive sound system is sitting under a carport at his inlaws place (where he unfortunately has to stay for the time being - and they treating him like crap right now - the fuckers), he's been trying to sell it but because of the current economic situation no-one is buying. Hes getting flak for it being there, and if it stays there too long its eventually going to rot. Its a labor of love 14Kw monster sound rig with 2 lasers, and a ton of lights. Too big for most clubs around here actually. Short a pair of CDJ's for a big big party really. He offered to let myself and friends use it just to take it off his hands for now.
We discussed it and are going to make plans to move it up here and keep it in storage till September (our spring, we going into autumn now) and plan something BIG.
Was discussing this with friends in feb, that we should keep our ears open for a small warehouse that desperately is looking for tenants by summer, it looks like our hands are being forced here, its become the inevitable.
About bloody time really!
Woke up at like 7, ate some oats (in bed), then read some of my book (still in bed) and slept till about 1:30, now that's a Sunday!
Got an sms (text) from my friend on the coast, his massive sound system is sitting under a carport at his inlaws place (where he unfortunately has to stay for the time being - and they treating him like crap right now - the fuckers), he's been trying to sell it but because of the current economic situation no-one is buying. Hes getting flak for it being there, and if it stays there too long its eventually going to rot. Its a labor of love 14Kw monster sound rig with 2 lasers, and a ton of lights. Too big for most clubs around here actually. Short a pair of CDJ's for a big big party really. He offered to let myself and friends use it just to take it off his hands for now.
We discussed it and are going to make plans to move it up here and keep it in storage till September (our spring, we going into autumn now) and plan something BIG.
Was discussing this with friends in feb, that we should keep our ears open for a small warehouse that desperately is looking for tenants by summer, it looks like our hands are being forced here, its become the inevitable.
About bloody time really!
The next day I started my training. i am not permitted inside the main part of the house unless I am invited in and when my master is away I am locked in a cage but my besty gets locked up as well. I cried a lot the first time and eventually cried myself to sleep.
An hour or so later we were let out and taken for more training and some exersize at the local park where we got to meet some dogs and had a game with them. It was great fun although i was a bit scared of being bitten but it was all good.
I wasnt feeling the best that night and thought maybe I had overdone all the work and exercise throughout the day.
My master must have also seen that something was wrong and so he took me to see a doctor. Predictably the doctor told me I was cute and also gave me some pills to take because it appears i might have worms. ooky pooky.
I was very sick that evening and many times vomitted throughout the night. I also had a diareae problem. I weighed a measly 3 kgs.
On the good side of things though, my lady friend realised that I was in a bad way and started to show that she had some compassion. She even allowed me to snuggle up to her on one cold morning. Even though I was still very sick, I, for the first time really started to feel happy.
A couple of days later I was teasing her and she was responding in like manner. We were bonding and that bonding was building a very solid friendship. A friendship that I now know will never be broken.
My girlfriend is about 12 months older than me, I know its a bit strange going out with someone thats a whole year older but she is worth it. She is such a beautiful girl. i will try and organise some pics for you all real soon.
An hour or so later we were let out and taken for more training and some exersize at the local park where we got to meet some dogs and had a game with them. It was great fun although i was a bit scared of being bitten but it was all good.
I wasnt feeling the best that night and thought maybe I had overdone all the work and exercise throughout the day.
My master must have also seen that something was wrong and so he took me to see a doctor. Predictably the doctor told me I was cute and also gave me some pills to take because it appears i might have worms. ooky pooky.
I was very sick that evening and many times vomitted throughout the night. I also had a diareae problem. I weighed a measly 3 kgs.
On the good side of things though, my lady friend realised that I was in a bad way and started to show that she had some compassion. She even allowed me to snuggle up to her on one cold morning. Even though I was still very sick, I, for the first time really started to feel happy.
A couple of days later I was teasing her and she was responding in like manner. We were bonding and that bonding was building a very solid friendship. A friendship that I now know will never be broken.
My girlfriend is about 12 months older than me, I know its a bit strange going out with someone thats a whole year older but she is worth it. She is such a beautiful girl. i will try and organise some pics for you all real soon.
Someone close to me advised that I am focusing only on the dark aspects of my life....and I need to stop and look at the positive things. This is a break from the slippery slope of negativity, to the ski lift towards relief and self satisfaction.
Well I guess first off I was born. You could say that is a more accomplishment to my mother and father, but hey I kept breathing, that is an accomplishment heh.
I was always able and still able to be an outgoing and friendly individual, whose only desire is to make people laugh and have a good time while they are around, no matter whoever may be throwing negative vibes in my direction. Basically I have learned to always get back up and never let the ones who want to keep me down, keep me down (I know I am an amazing writer).
I am able to hold on to my past well, without dwelling on it. I am able to remember the amusement parks, the family trips, the good times with friends and good times with my sister, without it controlling my present.
I am diligent and to a certain degree intelligent. I passed tough courses in college with good grades, which earned a scholarship. I have graduated both high school and college and looking forward to earning my masters.
My parents are still proud of who I am and the man I am beginning to be. They have been there for all my good and bad times, and although they can hurt, they are forever loving. I can respect and give back that same feeling they give me.
I am able to enjoy life. I can understand that there may be greater things after I pass, but I can enjoy where I am now.
I enjoy giving what I have to make others feel good. I used to not have, and I learned an over abundance of giving can lead to the same alienation, however I adjusted now to where less is more, but less is better than none.
I can forgive. Forgetting will always be an issue I will have to deal with, and I may never be able to accomplish that. Forgiveness I can achieve, and I am humble to those who have the same ability to forgive me.
I have made many good friends, made many friendly acquaintances, and have been able to leave the negative ones behind. I am stronger now than I have been in a long time, and I can continue this trend even if there are pot holes in the road.
Importantly, I know I can change. I can go through the tough times, go through the hoops, learn from it, and adjust myself so I do not repeat it ever again.
There is my general list of accomplishments, and I am looking forward to many more in the future. See, I am not always depressing
Well I guess first off I was born. You could say that is a more accomplishment to my mother and father, but hey I kept breathing, that is an accomplishment heh.
I was always able and still able to be an outgoing and friendly individual, whose only desire is to make people laugh and have a good time while they are around, no matter whoever may be throwing negative vibes in my direction. Basically I have learned to always get back up and never let the ones who want to keep me down, keep me down (I know I am an amazing writer).
I am able to hold on to my past well, without dwelling on it. I am able to remember the amusement parks, the family trips, the good times with friends and good times with my sister, without it controlling my present.
I am diligent and to a certain degree intelligent. I passed tough courses in college with good grades, which earned a scholarship. I have graduated both high school and college and looking forward to earning my masters.
My parents are still proud of who I am and the man I am beginning to be. They have been there for all my good and bad times, and although they can hurt, they are forever loving. I can respect and give back that same feeling they give me.
I am able to enjoy life. I can understand that there may be greater things after I pass, but I can enjoy where I am now.
I enjoy giving what I have to make others feel good. I used to not have, and I learned an over abundance of giving can lead to the same alienation, however I adjusted now to where less is more, but less is better than none.
I can forgive. Forgetting will always be an issue I will have to deal with, and I may never be able to accomplish that. Forgiveness I can achieve, and I am humble to those who have the same ability to forgive me.
I have made many good friends, made many friendly acquaintances, and have been able to leave the negative ones behind. I am stronger now than I have been in a long time, and I can continue this trend even if there are pot holes in the road.
Importantly, I know I can change. I can go through the tough times, go through the hoops, learn from it, and adjust myself so I do not repeat it ever again.
There is my general list of accomplishments, and I am looking forward to many more in the future. See, I am not always depressing
I've heard from other people regarding my addiction and have been told that they too got fucked over by tramadol, and that it was an evil drug non narcotic or not, to get off. Hell what's frustrating is that when I kicked fiorinal with codeines giving myself 4 days to taper, I felt like crap for 2 weeks. The first week was the worst, the second I could function. This fucking tramadol kick, however went on for over 3 goddamned months so I decided to hell with this fucking noise! I wish I lived in fucking Vancouver so I could just get off this crap and be done with this hell, FUCK! I HATE having to depend on other junkies to score dope for me so I can get well.
Ok I'll back up. I took 2 Rx pills this pm when the w/ds started at 3pm. I still feel fine. I'm going to see how long before I get more wd's, 12 hrs? 18? I thought here's a plan: take off a week from work in April or May after I buy some seraquil from Aimee, have 5 pills on hand to help my withdrawing ass just sleep it the fuck off. Also, within that week, I'd have a couple tabs of Excstasy that Linda said she could get from her grandson who gets it from this other guy. I called her house, of course she was detoxing from speed. I offered to buy her some speed if she'd get off her ass and get me some X, but she said no. LOL. Fine, the offer of the free 1/4 g of speed only lasts today though, fuck.
When I was in her position I would have said fuck yeah, but hey, that's what I mean I HATE depending on others. Also, I'm still waiting on fucking Dave for my damned shrooms. So, yeah sorry can't do cold turkey and have to go to work, so I want to have some shrooms one day, rest with seraquil for 2 days, do a hit of X the next day, more seraquil before returning to work, then hopefully I'll be through the opiate w/d's and never take tramadol again. It is SO not worth it. Dave told me by the end of the month on the shrooms, fucking Christ
I hope so! What pisses me off is that when I don't want drugs people shove them in my face, but when I'm trying to plan a detox, others aren't cooperating. I can't keep taking this fucking Rx dope. Today I felt 2 pills and I want to see if I can maintain on just one. Addiction feels like the sort of trap where a guy gets seduced by a hot chick, but then gets trapped into marrying a bitch because she got pregant. Try getting out of a marriage and you'll have her mafia brothers making you feel 11 million nasty new flavors of pain you never thought existed.
My sponsor has been worried about me. I'm not sure when I'm just going to tell the NA gang that yours truly relapsed, but it's not as simple as ok stop using and get a new clean date because if I have to work, which I do, then I need a goddamned detox and I don't mean cold turkey. I hate my infernal poverty that is preventing me from an Ibogaine detox. That and I don't know if my friend in Van is really up to sending it to me if I did come up with the money.
Here's the deal with my friend. He's never stolen from me or anything. I love him, he loves me, he lives in Vancouver, but he is 4 times the junkie I am. He's hooked on methadone, heroin, klonipin, and whatever other chemicals he takes. Ok granted he has been a life saver in the past, sent me needles that saved my life when I was shooting so I wouldn't have to use dirty needles. He's sent me speed or a tiny amount of heroin when I was using them.
I understood when I asked him for smack back in the day, he'd score it for me, then end up using it himself. I didn't hold it against him. But if I bought Ibogaine on line and had them send it to his place in Van, I'd be gambling on whether or not I'd ever get it plus I'd be screwed out of the money I spent on it. For real, I HATE to think the worst, but when you're dealing with hard core junkies anything is possible. He may be sick, he may use what was mine, then I'd be fucked. I don't know this, but you know how junkies are! They don't even necessarily MEAN any harm, but if they were dope sick....
So should I risk it? I've thought of just telling him my fears honestly, yeah his feelings might be hurt, but it's not like dude I have money. I don't. Sigh. What the fuck should I do? I can't go to detox because my insurance covers half, and half medical detox is WAY the fuck more than $600. Fuck.
Ok I'll back up. I took 2 Rx pills this pm when the w/ds started at 3pm. I still feel fine. I'm going to see how long before I get more wd's, 12 hrs? 18? I thought here's a plan: take off a week from work in April or May after I buy some seraquil from Aimee, have 5 pills on hand to help my withdrawing ass just sleep it the fuck off. Also, within that week, I'd have a couple tabs of Excstasy that Linda said she could get from her grandson who gets it from this other guy. I called her house, of course she was detoxing from speed. I offered to buy her some speed if she'd get off her ass and get me some X, but she said no. LOL. Fine, the offer of the free 1/4 g of speed only lasts today though, fuck.
When I was in her position I would have said fuck yeah, but hey, that's what I mean I HATE depending on others. Also, I'm still waiting on fucking Dave for my damned shrooms. So, yeah sorry can't do cold turkey and have to go to work, so I want to have some shrooms one day, rest with seraquil for 2 days, do a hit of X the next day, more seraquil before returning to work, then hopefully I'll be through the opiate w/d's and never take tramadol again. It is SO not worth it. Dave told me by the end of the month on the shrooms, fucking Christ
I hope so! What pisses me off is that when I don't want drugs people shove them in my face, but when I'm trying to plan a detox, others aren't cooperating. I can't keep taking this fucking Rx dope. Today I felt 2 pills and I want to see if I can maintain on just one. Addiction feels like the sort of trap where a guy gets seduced by a hot chick, but then gets trapped into marrying a bitch because she got pregant. Try getting out of a marriage and you'll have her mafia brothers making you feel 11 million nasty new flavors of pain you never thought existed.
My sponsor has been worried about me. I'm not sure when I'm just going to tell the NA gang that yours truly relapsed, but it's not as simple as ok stop using and get a new clean date because if I have to work, which I do, then I need a goddamned detox and I don't mean cold turkey. I hate my infernal poverty that is preventing me from an Ibogaine detox. That and I don't know if my friend in Van is really up to sending it to me if I did come up with the money.
Here's the deal with my friend. He's never stolen from me or anything. I love him, he loves me, he lives in Vancouver, but he is 4 times the junkie I am. He's hooked on methadone, heroin, klonipin, and whatever other chemicals he takes. Ok granted he has been a life saver in the past, sent me needles that saved my life when I was shooting so I wouldn't have to use dirty needles. He's sent me speed or a tiny amount of heroin when I was using them.
I understood when I asked him for smack back in the day, he'd score it for me, then end up using it himself. I didn't hold it against him. But if I bought Ibogaine on line and had them send it to his place in Van, I'd be gambling on whether or not I'd ever get it plus I'd be screwed out of the money I spent on it. For real, I HATE to think the worst, but when you're dealing with hard core junkies anything is possible. He may be sick, he may use what was mine, then I'd be fucked. I don't know this, but you know how junkies are! They don't even necessarily MEAN any harm, but if they were dope sick....
So should I risk it? I've thought of just telling him my fears honestly, yeah his feelings might be hurt, but it's not like dude I have money. I don't. Sigh. What the fuck should I do? I can't go to detox because my insurance covers half, and half medical detox is WAY the fuck more than $600. Fuck.
Hello everyone, I just wanna introduce myself. I was born on the 13th January 2009. i am the oldest of six boys and also have two sisters.
My parents breeding was very pure and they did a great job bringing me up. I had a pretty stable upbringing although there was never enough food on the table and as a result I was pretty scrawny and my mum was in pretty poor condition because she would go without so we could all move ahead. She was a great lady.
On the 10th February this year i was sold to a man so that i could start working and learning to be the best that i could possibly be.
It was also on this day that I met my new best friend and someone whom i am sure I will be with for the rest of my life.
OK well it wasnt exactly that way right from the get go though. In fact when we first laid eyes on each other, she was already in the passenger seat of the truck that belongs to my new boss. I didnt even have to ask to immediately know that I had no place being on that front seat even though it was built for two.
Now it should be explained at this point that despite my being a very manly male, I am extremely cute. Well everyone tells me that anyways. And yet no matter how i tried to use my cuteness to win this wench over. Nothing would even get her to raise an eyebrow. the bitch hated me. At one point during the trip home i crawled up next to her on that front seat and she immediately moved off it. This was the pattern for the rest of that day.
I was invited to sit next to my boss on his beautifully comfy lounge and my beloved was already sitting there as well but as soon as i made a move towards that lounge........she was off and no amount of coaxing by the boss would have her joining us. Ohh yes, she had the shits.
Understandable i guess as she had had the run of the place pretty much unchallenged for the past 12 months.
My new boss fed me well that first night but I was quite shy being in a completely new environment and as such i was pretty early to bed. I also felt it best to allow time for my soon to be besty to converse with my master.
My parents breeding was very pure and they did a great job bringing me up. I had a pretty stable upbringing although there was never enough food on the table and as a result I was pretty scrawny and my mum was in pretty poor condition because she would go without so we could all move ahead. She was a great lady.
On the 10th February this year i was sold to a man so that i could start working and learning to be the best that i could possibly be.
It was also on this day that I met my new best friend and someone whom i am sure I will be with for the rest of my life.
OK well it wasnt exactly that way right from the get go though. In fact when we first laid eyes on each other, she was already in the passenger seat of the truck that belongs to my new boss. I didnt even have to ask to immediately know that I had no place being on that front seat even though it was built for two.
Now it should be explained at this point that despite my being a very manly male, I am extremely cute. Well everyone tells me that anyways. And yet no matter how i tried to use my cuteness to win this wench over. Nothing would even get her to raise an eyebrow. the bitch hated me. At one point during the trip home i crawled up next to her on that front seat and she immediately moved off it. This was the pattern for the rest of that day.
I was invited to sit next to my boss on his beautifully comfy lounge and my beloved was already sitting there as well but as soon as i made a move towards that lounge........she was off and no amount of coaxing by the boss would have her joining us. Ohh yes, she had the shits.
Understandable i guess as she had had the run of the place pretty much unchallenged for the past 12 months.
My new boss fed me well that first night but I was quite shy being in a completely new environment and as such i was pretty early to bed. I also felt it best to allow time for my soon to be besty to converse with my master.
I HATE being ignored. ANYWHERE, ANYWAY that I feel ignored. When I'm hurting I want a kind word or a hug...is that so hard. I know I'm not the most important person on earth but whatever happened to some compassion? It just makes it all worse. I happens wherever I go it seems, my family, my bfs, BL...I'd perhaps people get sick of me being "EMO" I HATE that word. I ACTUALLY hurt, damn it! I think I feel too damn much. I wish I could just turn it off and then it wouldn't matter anymore. God I'm so pathetic that I make myself sick. thank god I don't get like this all the time like I used to. I had a bad day, I didn't sleep at all so it hasn't ended. I doubt the bf will want to see me tomorrow considering so I'll sleep and work on my major to do list...
-medication makes me a lot better. I'm usually less depressed and almost never suicidal.
-I have a bf who with the relationship is a lot of work at times, I suppose I pick a lot of the same difficult personality types but I care for him quite a bit.
-My ex has moved on and I realise I still love him. All he could talk to me about and torture me with is how perfect his new gf from North Carolina is. Apparently she is going to move here to be with him. I cry often lately about it. I feel horrible that I do because 1. I THOUGHT I moved on....and 2 I certainly isn't fair to my current bf. I miss the abusive ass. I guess when you lose who you are and give everything you have to one person you feel a lil upset when they are no longer there or give a damn about you, even 6 months later.
-I'm pretty much clean. I occasionally will pop a couple extra painkillers for my severe headaches, 2 birds with one stone. But I actually need the medication so I can't do it often. I don't use Tramadol or Soma anymore. I rarely even drink. Neither does the bf...
-I'm working again. Back at a grocery store a half hour away. I'm glad just to have a job again. Plus they are pretty much letting me do everything on my own. A who lot more responsibility and stress. But I feel that I might be assertive enough to say when enough is enough. But thank god I work. I do kinda like it and the hours are currently GREAT for me.
-Still don't know how to cope. All my coping skills are pretty much maladaptive. If I can't do any of those I just bawl my eyes out. Damn personality disorder still haunts me and causes problems in my relationship with the bf. He knows that its based on the fear of abandonment. I guess its time to get serious about getting into therapy. I can't seem to do it on my own. But I have no luck with therapy. Its painful, I resist it, it will take years to change the set personality characteristics. Anyone know any "self-help" books with Borderline Personality Disorder. I can read in a textbook what it is and know that is me to a T, but I can't seem to fix it.
-Today has been a pretty tough day emotionally. Fighting with the bf can be very draining. I'm smothering again...I feel like I'm beating my head against a brick wall when it comes to relationships, its not just the emotional distance of my ex. I desire so much affection that just being together isn't enough. I missed my meds the other day so that can send me for an emotional tailspin. Please don't think this is how I am. I a MUCH MUCH happier than I have been in a long time.
-Sadly it makes me wonder if maybe my ex could love me now...I need to let go but I have so much anger and sadness that I hid and swallowed and denied, even to myself. I want him back and cry sometimes because he pretty much told me he was all I had, I feel guilt about it, and I can become angry about how he is now or what he did to me or the time he took I can never get back. I don't know how to deal with anger. Am I horrible for wishing harm or misery like I suffered or revenge?
-I'm still in school. I should be graduating spring 2010. (Although I wonder if I can even find a job in my field and its just all a waste) At the moment I'm rather uncommitted to it. Taking classes I hate and feel like I don't really have to try. But attendance is rather required. I didn't go half the time at Central when all I had to do was walk across campus. Now I have to drive about a half hour. Tonight bf and I fighting kept me from my first class. I wouldn't leave until it was resolved and we were able to leave on decent grounds. I'm not sure if I should give him space or just keep up contact to be sure he knows that I care. Maybe I should just ask huh?
-Still living with my parents, although I often stay with Sean. I NEED to get out!! I can't stand it here. My parents went into my locked room, my mom found my key and thought apparently that gave her permission to use it. I was pissed. I feel that it should be MY space. Not that I really have anything to hide anymore. But my brother is still often emotionally abusive, threatening to harm me if I don't do what he wants, or do something, often I do nothing wrong and he goes off. Even my parents see it, sometimes I'M the one yelled at for making him mad. I'm afraid of him, he hits me, even though my parents never do when he threatens or hits my mom, I will call the cops. I want to move out but I can't get the things I need. Not with paying for school, driving and needing my medication. I won't make it if I have to go without it. I hope at some point Sean and I can move together. Going to be a LONG time from now seeing how he is...but what do you expect? I just don't want to and don't think it would be wise to be alone. It would allow me to fall into depression and what not.
-And not eat. Sean gets after me. I'm not sure what is the issue. I've had my blood looked at 3 times for thyroid issues. No such luck. Could it be another medical problem? Should I be making an appointment. Sean's scale says I weigh 96 pds, the one at work says 99, either way I weighed more in 7th grade than I do now. Thats not good. Sean sees now severe it is...He worries, and often will encourage me to eat. I don't think my ED is back. I don't usually think I need to lose weight, usually I see myself realistically.
-Oh on that note, my self-esteem usually is better. I have started to whiten my teeth, Sean's has a tanning bed I can use, I cut my hair and try to at least do a few nice things for myself. Some days I ACTUALLY feel pretty. I have tried to take control of my own life and my own mental health, ALTHOUGH this blog doesn't sounds like I'm doing very well. Like I said it was a bad day.
-Medically I don't know what the issue is. I get what the Dr's don't know what they are. Sinus headaches or tension headaches. I've had a MRI but it just showed a sinus infection. I have one about every other month. Appt about that?? Maybe I'm a hypochondriac, my mom thinks I am. Sean sees the pain I am and worries. He also hates that I bitch about it so much and there isn't shit he can do about it. It seems like my hair is starting to fall out again. Maybe my imagination? Last time that happened I determined I did 't sleep enough and my stress level was too high and changed schools. What now? *sigh* Maybe I should just make an appt for peace of mind. God knows.
-Wow this blog turned into a downer and I didn't intend for it to be. I guess that's a tough day for ya.
-Hmm I can't think of anything else at the moment. ANY advice on these issues is MORE than welcome. Those of you that are allowed to read this are trusted friends with my best interest at heart. Much love all. Please know I really am doing MUCH MUCH better than I used to be MOSt days, this isn't one of them. Damn I shouldn't blog on days like this. Makes ppl see this as emo bs.
Currently listening:
The Sound Of Madness
By Shinedown
Release date: 2008-06-24
-I have a bf who with the relationship is a lot of work at times, I suppose I pick a lot of the same difficult personality types but I care for him quite a bit.
-My ex has moved on and I realise I still love him. All he could talk to me about and torture me with is how perfect his new gf from North Carolina is. Apparently she is going to move here to be with him. I cry often lately about it. I feel horrible that I do because 1. I THOUGHT I moved on....and 2 I certainly isn't fair to my current bf. I miss the abusive ass. I guess when you lose who you are and give everything you have to one person you feel a lil upset when they are no longer there or give a damn about you, even 6 months later.
-I'm pretty much clean. I occasionally will pop a couple extra painkillers for my severe headaches, 2 birds with one stone. But I actually need the medication so I can't do it often. I don't use Tramadol or Soma anymore. I rarely even drink. Neither does the bf...
-I'm working again. Back at a grocery store a half hour away. I'm glad just to have a job again. Plus they are pretty much letting me do everything on my own. A who lot more responsibility and stress. But I feel that I might be assertive enough to say when enough is enough. But thank god I work. I do kinda like it and the hours are currently GREAT for me.
-Still don't know how to cope. All my coping skills are pretty much maladaptive. If I can't do any of those I just bawl my eyes out. Damn personality disorder still haunts me and causes problems in my relationship with the bf. He knows that its based on the fear of abandonment. I guess its time to get serious about getting into therapy. I can't seem to do it on my own. But I have no luck with therapy. Its painful, I resist it, it will take years to change the set personality characteristics. Anyone know any "self-help" books with Borderline Personality Disorder. I can read in a textbook what it is and know that is me to a T, but I can't seem to fix it.
-Today has been a pretty tough day emotionally. Fighting with the bf can be very draining. I'm smothering again...I feel like I'm beating my head against a brick wall when it comes to relationships, its not just the emotional distance of my ex. I desire so much affection that just being together isn't enough. I missed my meds the other day so that can send me for an emotional tailspin. Please don't think this is how I am. I a MUCH MUCH happier than I have been in a long time.
-Sadly it makes me wonder if maybe my ex could love me now...I need to let go but I have so much anger and sadness that I hid and swallowed and denied, even to myself. I want him back and cry sometimes because he pretty much told me he was all I had, I feel guilt about it, and I can become angry about how he is now or what he did to me or the time he took I can never get back. I don't know how to deal with anger. Am I horrible for wishing harm or misery like I suffered or revenge?
-I'm still in school. I should be graduating spring 2010. (Although I wonder if I can even find a job in my field and its just all a waste) At the moment I'm rather uncommitted to it. Taking classes I hate and feel like I don't really have to try. But attendance is rather required. I didn't go half the time at Central when all I had to do was walk across campus. Now I have to drive about a half hour. Tonight bf and I fighting kept me from my first class. I wouldn't leave until it was resolved and we were able to leave on decent grounds. I'm not sure if I should give him space or just keep up contact to be sure he knows that I care. Maybe I should just ask huh?
-Still living with my parents, although I often stay with Sean. I NEED to get out!! I can't stand it here. My parents went into my locked room, my mom found my key and thought apparently that gave her permission to use it. I was pissed. I feel that it should be MY space. Not that I really have anything to hide anymore. But my brother is still often emotionally abusive, threatening to harm me if I don't do what he wants, or do something, often I do nothing wrong and he goes off. Even my parents see it, sometimes I'M the one yelled at for making him mad. I'm afraid of him, he hits me, even though my parents never do when he threatens or hits my mom, I will call the cops. I want to move out but I can't get the things I need. Not with paying for school, driving and needing my medication. I won't make it if I have to go without it. I hope at some point Sean and I can move together. Going to be a LONG time from now seeing how he is...but what do you expect? I just don't want to and don't think it would be wise to be alone. It would allow me to fall into depression and what not.
-And not eat. Sean gets after me. I'm not sure what is the issue. I've had my blood looked at 3 times for thyroid issues. No such luck. Could it be another medical problem? Should I be making an appointment. Sean's scale says I weigh 96 pds, the one at work says 99, either way I weighed more in 7th grade than I do now. Thats not good. Sean sees now severe it is...He worries, and often will encourage me to eat. I don't think my ED is back. I don't usually think I need to lose weight, usually I see myself realistically.
-Oh on that note, my self-esteem usually is better. I have started to whiten my teeth, Sean's has a tanning bed I can use, I cut my hair and try to at least do a few nice things for myself. Some days I ACTUALLY feel pretty. I have tried to take control of my own life and my own mental health, ALTHOUGH this blog doesn't sounds like I'm doing very well. Like I said it was a bad day.
-Medically I don't know what the issue is. I get what the Dr's don't know what they are. Sinus headaches or tension headaches. I've had a MRI but it just showed a sinus infection. I have one about every other month. Appt about that?? Maybe I'm a hypochondriac, my mom thinks I am. Sean sees the pain I am and worries. He also hates that I bitch about it so much and there isn't shit he can do about it. It seems like my hair is starting to fall out again. Maybe my imagination? Last time that happened I determined I did 't sleep enough and my stress level was too high and changed schools. What now? *sigh* Maybe I should just make an appt for peace of mind. God knows.
-Wow this blog turned into a downer and I didn't intend for it to be. I guess that's a tough day for ya.
-Hmm I can't think of anything else at the moment. ANY advice on these issues is MORE than welcome. Those of you that are allowed to read this are trusted friends with my best interest at heart. Much love all. Please know I really am doing MUCH MUCH better than I used to be MOSt days, this isn't one of them. Damn I shouldn't blog on days like this. Makes ppl see this as emo bs.
Currently listening:
The Sound Of Madness
By Shinedown
Release date: 2008-06-24
3/19/2009
I went to the dentist for some oral surgery today, which turned out to be way more than just a “simple procedure.” It seems that lately anytime I go to just have a cavity filled, it turns into something like a crown or a surgery. Christ I’m gonna die broke paying for all this dental work. Sigh. At least I’m getting it done though, I guess. I’ve all ready lost 8 of my lower teeth, but my uppers are intact and straight. Today, he took off some of my gum, took off some of my bone, cleaned out the decay and sutured me up, so I have 5 stitches. He said, “You’re gonna be a little sore for a couple days.” Yeah, no shit. I took 3 painkillers when I got home and now almost 6 hrs later I’m sore again.
I had a migraine earlier plus the tooth pain and I wanted to get a buzz, so I figured I’d kill 3 birds with one stone. Doing drugs again is like slipping into a pair of old, comfortable slippers. As the pain left and the buzz came on it brought back old feelings of comfort, security, and warmth. I stopped by Linda and Aimee’s after getting a pedicure and my legs waxed. I’ve come to the conclusion that as much as I hate it, I’m fat, at least compared to my sexier, thin self, so deal with it. Self hate is like swallowing poison and hoping you won’t die. It’s self defeating, therefore pointless. Once I gained weight, I quit doing little niceties like make up and hair, plus pretty clothes the way I used to do when I was thin.
I cannot change the weight, at least not overnight, and truthfully I have serious doubts that I’ll ever be able to do it again without speed. So, today I did make up and hair, did the pedicure and legs. I asked the lady if she did Brazilian wax, some places do, some don’t. I shave most of it all off, except for a tiny triangle on top for decoration. I mean, I don’t want to be completely bald, just ¾ bald. The lady said they did, so next time I’ll try a wax. Having my thighs waxed hurt like hell before, so I switched to shaving, but I’ll try it again. Anyway, Linda said I looked nice and Aimee was asleep. I was hoping to get pictures of Aimee and I together looking nice because she really looks pretty when she dresses up and puts her make up on in spite of the fact that she too, gained weight. She never took off all the weight she put on while she was in prison for almost 2 years, but she’s still pretty, and so am I.
Truthfully, I so miss having the sexy, flat meth belly because I could wear lowriser jeans that showed off my belly button and I looked hot. All my customers sure as hell thought so back in 2005 or they wouldn’t have paid for me. I miss my meth looks, but I don’t miss being strung out. I’ve all ready got a small tramadol habit which is not fun and I know taking Rx painkillers for my gums and bone being sliced open won’t help, but to hell with it. I won’t take the tramadol for the 2 or 3 days I’m on my Rx dope. Rx dope is dangerous territory for me, in fact that was my name for my fiorinal with codeine pills, Dangerous. Crystal Hyde was the name for crystal meth, the alter ego
I became. Crystal was a girlfriend because when under the influence she taught me about clothes, make up, hair, and attracting the guys, whereas Dangerous was a seductive, soft, but strong lover ready to take me under his wing and wipe all my tears away when I came crawling to him for protection from physical or emotional pain. The catch was of course, once hooked, it was impossible to get out from under his thumb completely and now the dance is starting back up again, first with the tramadol and yes, I’ll have to be sure 3 days is the longest I take Rx painkillers.
After that, it will be back to tramadol and kicking. I’m having serious doubts as to whether I ever will get off this crap again, not because I don’t want to but because kicking makes me feel like fucking shit! I could handle a week of hell, but not another 2 or 3 goddamned months. Sigh. This is why I’d really like one serious dose of ibogaine so I can just be done with it. Mom asked why don’t I just go into detox. I said, “Are you kidding? No place is gonna detox me from a 4 pill a day habit from tramadol and besides that even if they did, medical detox would cost a hell of a lot more than $600 for 2 grams of ibogaine.” So fuck, I’m not sure what’s going to happen, but I’ll probably be stuck detoxing the slow way and that sucks ass. I don’t know if I can or will.
I went to the dentist for some oral surgery today, which turned out to be way more than just a “simple procedure.” It seems that lately anytime I go to just have a cavity filled, it turns into something like a crown or a surgery. Christ I’m gonna die broke paying for all this dental work. Sigh. At least I’m getting it done though, I guess. I’ve all ready lost 8 of my lower teeth, but my uppers are intact and straight. Today, he took off some of my gum, took off some of my bone, cleaned out the decay and sutured me up, so I have 5 stitches. He said, “You’re gonna be a little sore for a couple days.” Yeah, no shit. I took 3 painkillers when I got home and now almost 6 hrs later I’m sore again.
I had a migraine earlier plus the tooth pain and I wanted to get a buzz, so I figured I’d kill 3 birds with one stone. Doing drugs again is like slipping into a pair of old, comfortable slippers. As the pain left and the buzz came on it brought back old feelings of comfort, security, and warmth. I stopped by Linda and Aimee’s after getting a pedicure and my legs waxed. I’ve come to the conclusion that as much as I hate it, I’m fat, at least compared to my sexier, thin self, so deal with it. Self hate is like swallowing poison and hoping you won’t die. It’s self defeating, therefore pointless. Once I gained weight, I quit doing little niceties like make up and hair, plus pretty clothes the way I used to do when I was thin.
I cannot change the weight, at least not overnight, and truthfully I have serious doubts that I’ll ever be able to do it again without speed. So, today I did make up and hair, did the pedicure and legs. I asked the lady if she did Brazilian wax, some places do, some don’t. I shave most of it all off, except for a tiny triangle on top for decoration. I mean, I don’t want to be completely bald, just ¾ bald. The lady said they did, so next time I’ll try a wax. Having my thighs waxed hurt like hell before, so I switched to shaving, but I’ll try it again. Anyway, Linda said I looked nice and Aimee was asleep. I was hoping to get pictures of Aimee and I together looking nice because she really looks pretty when she dresses up and puts her make up on in spite of the fact that she too, gained weight. She never took off all the weight she put on while she was in prison for almost 2 years, but she’s still pretty, and so am I.
Truthfully, I so miss having the sexy, flat meth belly because I could wear lowriser jeans that showed off my belly button and I looked hot. All my customers sure as hell thought so back in 2005 or they wouldn’t have paid for me. I miss my meth looks, but I don’t miss being strung out. I’ve all ready got a small tramadol habit which is not fun and I know taking Rx painkillers for my gums and bone being sliced open won’t help, but to hell with it. I won’t take the tramadol for the 2 or 3 days I’m on my Rx dope. Rx dope is dangerous territory for me, in fact that was my name for my fiorinal with codeine pills, Dangerous. Crystal Hyde was the name for crystal meth, the alter ego
I became. Crystal was a girlfriend because when under the influence she taught me about clothes, make up, hair, and attracting the guys, whereas Dangerous was a seductive, soft, but strong lover ready to take me under his wing and wipe all my tears away when I came crawling to him for protection from physical or emotional pain. The catch was of course, once hooked, it was impossible to get out from under his thumb completely and now the dance is starting back up again, first with the tramadol and yes, I’ll have to be sure 3 days is the longest I take Rx painkillers.
After that, it will be back to tramadol and kicking. I’m having serious doubts as to whether I ever will get off this crap again, not because I don’t want to but because kicking makes me feel like fucking shit! I could handle a week of hell, but not another 2 or 3 goddamned months. Sigh. This is why I’d really like one serious dose of ibogaine so I can just be done with it. Mom asked why don’t I just go into detox. I said, “Are you kidding? No place is gonna detox me from a 4 pill a day habit from tramadol and besides that even if they did, medical detox would cost a hell of a lot more than $600 for 2 grams of ibogaine.” So fuck, I’m not sure what’s going to happen, but I’ll probably be stuck detoxing the slow way and that sucks ass. I don’t know if I can or will.
Something I felt like saying on a Sunday night..
Out of everything that you have been through, every part of yourself that you think has been beaten, stolen, taken from you. For all the soft, safe spots in your life you think you have lost. You have in fact, lost nothing.
It is all still there inside you. Jumbled. Muddled pages of a book dropped and regathered too quickly, on the synthetic floor, of the school you are leaving. In the hallways you will finally be allowed to run in.
The wave will come again, a natural cycle will repeating, gently washing the jagged rock to smooth stone.
You see fragments of what you held solid and dear, torn and strewn into the darkest corners of your being. But when the fire returns, you will see those ideas that no longer burn as weak flame sheltered close to your chest, but as wildfire lighting every part of your being.
You are here because your time is coming again. You have lost nothing, and have everything to give.
Do not believe me.
Believe in yourself.
Spread your wings from the ashes.
and rise.
Out of everything that you have been through, every part of yourself that you think has been beaten, stolen, taken from you. For all the soft, safe spots in your life you think you have lost. You have in fact, lost nothing.
It is all still there inside you. Jumbled. Muddled pages of a book dropped and regathered too quickly, on the synthetic floor, of the school you are leaving. In the hallways you will finally be allowed to run in.
The wave will come again, a natural cycle will repeating, gently washing the jagged rock to smooth stone.
You see fragments of what you held solid and dear, torn and strewn into the darkest corners of your being. But when the fire returns, you will see those ideas that no longer burn as weak flame sheltered close to your chest, but as wildfire lighting every part of your being.
You are here because your time is coming again. You have lost nothing, and have everything to give.
Do not believe me.
Believe in yourself.
Spread your wings from the ashes.
and rise.
If you don't like my fire, then don't come around. Cuz I'm gonna burn one down...(ben harper)
What happened to the fighting spirit in America? The belief that if we don't like how our country is being run we have the authority to remove officials and change political order to suit how we want to be governed. Pretty sure that was a founding principle of our country. Fuck US government! Any governing body that calls itself democratic and run by the ppl and preach to other countries about the correct way to run their ppl, yet can beat any fighting spirit out of their own population deserves nothing more than being bound and treated at the mercy of those people. What's so impractical about literally letting the people run the damn country? Set up permanent polling places in every city or county. Every law introduced by senate will be voted on during a designated polling period for that issue. everyone that wants to vote on that specific issue has the opportunity to truly have a voice.
How often does any single person find a candidate/representative that is anything more than the most appropriate choice for them? A candidate that holds at least the same major views of the voter doesn't accurately represent any individual yet somehow ppl believe they can represent any sort of population with any sort of accuracy? Bullshit. They get power and lovvy for what they want. You're just lucky as a voter if you want something your candidate wants. Oxymoron: Selfless politician. It's all a dick-sizing competition to see who can get the most money/respect/power. Once voted does a representative EVER come to their home town to hold a town/county/state meeting to get feedback on what their ppl want? No, apparently whoever runs the most convincing campaign holds constant understanding of what their voters want. Fuck that. How many politicians don't break a law that would land a commoner in jail? I'd be willing to bet if we jailed 50% of those in power that deserved it we'd be left with a much different brand of people in government. POWER/MONEY=Freedom.
If we're granted inalienable rights then how can we be alienated from them? How does me smoking weed encroach on anyone else's right to life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness? It seems the biggest violator of encroaching on these rights is by the government itself. Ironic. He who giveth may taketh away I guess. What a crock of shit. I guess we were also founded on hypocrisy too so I suppose there's not much else we could have developed into. I'm reminded now of George Carlin pointing out this country was founded by a group of slave owners who said All men are created equal. "This is what's called being stunningly, STUNNINGLY full of shit". Maybe a new topic but I have one of my own lyrics stuck in my head, "Wisdom doesn't come from age and experience, it comes when you put that diploma on your desk"
ahhhh what a rant
What happened to the fighting spirit in America? The belief that if we don't like how our country is being run we have the authority to remove officials and change political order to suit how we want to be governed. Pretty sure that was a founding principle of our country. Fuck US government! Any governing body that calls itself democratic and run by the ppl and preach to other countries about the correct way to run their ppl, yet can beat any fighting spirit out of their own population deserves nothing more than being bound and treated at the mercy of those people. What's so impractical about literally letting the people run the damn country? Set up permanent polling places in every city or county. Every law introduced by senate will be voted on during a designated polling period for that issue. everyone that wants to vote on that specific issue has the opportunity to truly have a voice.
How often does any single person find a candidate/representative that is anything more than the most appropriate choice for them? A candidate that holds at least the same major views of the voter doesn't accurately represent any individual yet somehow ppl believe they can represent any sort of population with any sort of accuracy? Bullshit. They get power and lovvy for what they want. You're just lucky as a voter if you want something your candidate wants. Oxymoron: Selfless politician. It's all a dick-sizing competition to see who can get the most money/respect/power. Once voted does a representative EVER come to their home town to hold a town/county/state meeting to get feedback on what their ppl want? No, apparently whoever runs the most convincing campaign holds constant understanding of what their voters want. Fuck that. How many politicians don't break a law that would land a commoner in jail? I'd be willing to bet if we jailed 50% of those in power that deserved it we'd be left with a much different brand of people in government. POWER/MONEY=Freedom.
If we're granted inalienable rights then how can we be alienated from them? How does me smoking weed encroach on anyone else's right to life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness? It seems the biggest violator of encroaching on these rights is by the government itself. Ironic. He who giveth may taketh away I guess. What a crock of shit. I guess we were also founded on hypocrisy too so I suppose there's not much else we could have developed into. I'm reminded now of George Carlin pointing out this country was founded by a group of slave owners who said All men are created equal. "This is what's called being stunningly, STUNNINGLY full of shit". Maybe a new topic but I have one of my own lyrics stuck in my head, "Wisdom doesn't come from age and experience, it comes when you put that diploma on your desk"
ahhhh what a rant
There's a battle outside ragin'. It'll soon shake your windows and rattle your walls, for the times they are a-changin'.
Everyday I wake up to church bells ringing not a block away, ringing in the daily monotony of reality. Wake up, shower, walk to the bus, get on the train. Sometimes joining the usuals as part of their daily routine. When was the last time I seized the day? Better yet, when was the last time one day stood out from another? It's all just one long blur of light, dark, light, dark. What does this monotony give us? Security, comfort, acceptance. Security in knowing what's going to happen next. Comfort in not having to think on our own. Acceptance from other "routiners" as we make smalltalk on the usual trainride downtown. It's all bullshit. All about as real as the threesome I had last night behind closed eyes. Real life lays beyond routine, rules, and even drugs. What I wouldn't give to really live...
I'm always reminded of CosmicCharlie's great quote "All who wanders is not lost". I think this can be slightly reworded and be just as true, "All who are lost are NOT wandering". Who experiences life like a wanderer? No expectations, rules, authority, responsibilities, just the day to day roaming and freedom to enjoy every bit of life one can absorb. What does tripping do? Make everything new again. Why is it so profound to realize the true beauty in the simplicity of nature? Why can't we appreciate the life emanating from the vibrant greens of oak trees as we pass them on our daily trek to the same ol shit? Because we don't have the time. More accurately, we don't allow for the time. It's hard to put time aside to sit under a tree and run your palm across the top of the grass just to feel the tickle of the newly trimmed blades. No wonder psychedelics carry such profundity, allowing one to leave the restraints of time and experience the timeless beauty of every form of life.
Relatively recently I've become obsessed with this issue. Bluelight has given me many new resources and ideas. I've met ppl truly living life and I have true admiration for them. Sometimes I feel like I don't belong b/c I feel I don't have the experience and true understanding of what life can be as well as many here do. Sometimes I feel like I was born out of time, a true "wrong place wrong time" sort of existence. How do I combat such a feeling? How can I change the time I live in and views of those surrounding me when everyone sees my views as ludicrous, obsolete, far-fetched?
That's as far as I got on my morning train ride, but what a great tool! I will be doing this MUCH more often
Everyday I wake up to church bells ringing not a block away, ringing in the daily monotony of reality. Wake up, shower, walk to the bus, get on the train. Sometimes joining the usuals as part of their daily routine. When was the last time I seized the day? Better yet, when was the last time one day stood out from another? It's all just one long blur of light, dark, light, dark. What does this monotony give us? Security, comfort, acceptance. Security in knowing what's going to happen next. Comfort in not having to think on our own. Acceptance from other "routiners" as we make smalltalk on the usual trainride downtown. It's all bullshit. All about as real as the threesome I had last night behind closed eyes. Real life lays beyond routine, rules, and even drugs. What I wouldn't give to really live...
I'm always reminded of CosmicCharlie's great quote "All who wanders is not lost". I think this can be slightly reworded and be just as true, "All who are lost are NOT wandering". Who experiences life like a wanderer? No expectations, rules, authority, responsibilities, just the day to day roaming and freedom to enjoy every bit of life one can absorb. What does tripping do? Make everything new again. Why is it so profound to realize the true beauty in the simplicity of nature? Why can't we appreciate the life emanating from the vibrant greens of oak trees as we pass them on our daily trek to the same ol shit? Because we don't have the time. More accurately, we don't allow for the time. It's hard to put time aside to sit under a tree and run your palm across the top of the grass just to feel the tickle of the newly trimmed blades. No wonder psychedelics carry such profundity, allowing one to leave the restraints of time and experience the timeless beauty of every form of life.
Relatively recently I've become obsessed with this issue. Bluelight has given me many new resources and ideas. I've met ppl truly living life and I have true admiration for them. Sometimes I feel like I don't belong b/c I feel I don't have the experience and true understanding of what life can be as well as many here do. Sometimes I feel like I was born out of time, a true "wrong place wrong time" sort of existence. How do I combat such a feeling? How can I change the time I live in and views of those surrounding me when everyone sees my views as ludicrous, obsolete, far-fetched?
That's as far as I got on my morning train ride, but what a great tool! I will be doing this MUCH more often
death is suppose to be something so natural, something people encounter everyday...but no one is ever prepared. even when you know it's going to happen your whole life.
when my father died i felt numb. it was so sad and everyone around me was crying...i was too but i couldnt feel it. he stared only at me in a room full of people with a tube in his throat. i held his hand, they were huge and his fingers were flat from slamming them in so many doors by accident. his skin felt cold on the outside but warm inside deep in the muscle.
they had removed the breathing tube and he breathed on his own for over 10 minutes and i kept thinking, breath dad...just breath and be better...come home. but his breaths became more dense as he attempted to lift his head to look around the room, then his gazed was fixed back at me who was by his right side. i tightened my grip on his hand and it felt like he did too. when his pupils began to dialate a sense of wonder spread over his face and i told him i loved him and to not go too far from me. he slipped away and he was gone.
to me death isnt just an event that takes place, it could almost be explained as an object that clings to those left without. the only way i knew how to cope was to stay busy, to keep my hands at a constant flow of activity. otherwise it would find me in an idle state and consume me like a dark blanket, enveloping all the saddness in a close proximity. even now, almost 3 years later, it still finds me.
losing a parent is losing all security you have in yourself, those around you, and eveything that has to do with anything. it pushes you ino a state of questioning.
my father was sick his whole life with something. it's almost as if he collected illnesses like stamps...COPD, emphysema, neurofibromatosis, colon cancer, chronic bronchitis, constant heart attacks i had to supress with nitroglycerin pills. he would get pneumonia, or the flu and i would hold my breath until he lived through it. and between all of that he would pass multiple kidney stones. he was always in and out of the hospital and i knew the VA like the back of my hand...but he lived through it all. even through a collapsed lung which eventually they had to take parts of his lungs out. he was strong for such a little guy and he hated knowing that i was caring for him
and in dealing with all that he was there for me. he would come to pick me up at 3 am because my mother was drunk and violent. even when i was in my rebellious stage, he fought for me not to go to juvenile detention. when i was 16 and custody of me was given to the state because of my mother's stupidity and his health, he still drove the 40 minutes every tuesday and thurday to come see me, then again on friday to take me home for a home visit. i hated those assholes for making him feel unable to care for his daughter.
god i miss him. he had such a great sense of humor. he would always always always ask me if i was ok and sometimes it would irritate me because he asked so much. once i snapped at him for asking and i imdiately felt bad but didnt want to say so. he went to take a bath and when he got out i went in to use the bathroom. he had taken malaura's bathtub letters and spelled out: R U OK? on the bathtub wall. we laughed for days about it.
my mom called this morning saying my grandfather was sick. i asked if he was ok and she said no. i asked what was happening and she said, my father's sick stacy! i asked if she was ok and then she hung up. i hope papa is ok, and i hope she's ok...
i miss my dad...
when my father died i felt numb. it was so sad and everyone around me was crying...i was too but i couldnt feel it. he stared only at me in a room full of people with a tube in his throat. i held his hand, they were huge and his fingers were flat from slamming them in so many doors by accident. his skin felt cold on the outside but warm inside deep in the muscle.
they had removed the breathing tube and he breathed on his own for over 10 minutes and i kept thinking, breath dad...just breath and be better...come home. but his breaths became more dense as he attempted to lift his head to look around the room, then his gazed was fixed back at me who was by his right side. i tightened my grip on his hand and it felt like he did too. when his pupils began to dialate a sense of wonder spread over his face and i told him i loved him and to not go too far from me. he slipped away and he was gone.
to me death isnt just an event that takes place, it could almost be explained as an object that clings to those left without. the only way i knew how to cope was to stay busy, to keep my hands at a constant flow of activity. otherwise it would find me in an idle state and consume me like a dark blanket, enveloping all the saddness in a close proximity. even now, almost 3 years later, it still finds me.
losing a parent is losing all security you have in yourself, those around you, and eveything that has to do with anything. it pushes you ino a state of questioning.
my father was sick his whole life with something. it's almost as if he collected illnesses like stamps...COPD, emphysema, neurofibromatosis, colon cancer, chronic bronchitis, constant heart attacks i had to supress with nitroglycerin pills. he would get pneumonia, or the flu and i would hold my breath until he lived through it. and between all of that he would pass multiple kidney stones. he was always in and out of the hospital and i knew the VA like the back of my hand...but he lived through it all. even through a collapsed lung which eventually they had to take parts of his lungs out. he was strong for such a little guy and he hated knowing that i was caring for him
and in dealing with all that he was there for me. he would come to pick me up at 3 am because my mother was drunk and violent. even when i was in my rebellious stage, he fought for me not to go to juvenile detention. when i was 16 and custody of me was given to the state because of my mother's stupidity and his health, he still drove the 40 minutes every tuesday and thurday to come see me, then again on friday to take me home for a home visit. i hated those assholes for making him feel unable to care for his daughter.
god i miss him. he had such a great sense of humor. he would always always always ask me if i was ok and sometimes it would irritate me because he asked so much. once i snapped at him for asking and i imdiately felt bad but didnt want to say so. he went to take a bath and when he got out i went in to use the bathroom. he had taken malaura's bathtub letters and spelled out: R U OK? on the bathtub wall. we laughed for days about it.
my mom called this morning saying my grandfather was sick. i asked if he was ok and she said no. i asked what was happening and she said, my father's sick stacy! i asked if she was ok and then she hung up. i hope papa is ok, and i hope she's ok...
i miss my dad...
Last Friday the 13th, I got some news that really hit me hard. I’ve not been feeling all the great because of having to go through the w/ds lately to begin with, but I thought I’d better call Alice, my brother’s mother to see what is up. The conversation I had with my brother’s wife not too long ago didn’t go so well, so instead of just wondering forever what the deal is, I got up the nerve to call and ask. She said that Dawn, my bro’s wife had told her that I had been rude to her on the phone. “WHAT? I WAS NOT!!,” I protested. All I did was ask to speak to Ed. Well according to Alice I should have tried really talking to her. “You were too cut and dried, Tanya and you just can’t be that way with people,” said Alice. “Huh? And what exactly was I supposed to say to a woman that I’ve never even met that according to you hates my guts?,” I asked. “You really need to work on your people skills. That’s just something you’ll have to work out. Dawn is not keeping Ed from talking to you,” she said. “Ok fine. Thanks for telling me. I won’t bother him anymore,” I said.
I never did anything wrong to Ed. I wrote him a long letter trying to get in touch with him, but apparently, he thinks I’m not including his wife or he just doesn’t like me, I don’t know since he won’t tell me, plus now I guess Dawn told him I’m a bitch. Hey whatever. I listened to what Alice had to say and in retrospect I probably shouldn’t have been afraid to try to get Dawn to like me. The ironic thing is that had I been high on speed, I probably could have pulled it off on the phone. Don’t get me wrong, when I was high you couldn’t count on me to interact with normies and show up for events, but as far as talking, I was quite good at that. Plus when I was high, if I wanted to talk to someone, I was never afraid to talk to them, but sober is completely different. I’m not afraid of people per se, but if I know someone hates me to begin with, I avoid them, or if I have to talk to them, I get to the point.
It saddened me that had I known this ahead of time I would not have made that mistake. Too late. I went to the Fri night NA meeting and everyone shared but me. I didn’t share for fear of starting to cry in the middle of it and I HATE that. When I got home from the meeting and I was alone in my room, I cried for 5 minutes and prayed to God. “I wish I would have known what to say,” I communicated with God. A few days later my sponsor and Cheryl from NA told me to call them and that they were really worried about me so I did. I told them the story and Cheryl said well they must be a bunch of unhappy people to continue to hold a grudge against me for something that happened 12 years ago, and now that I think about it, she’s right. Diane, my aunt the one that apparently made it a point to bad mouth me to the whole family and get me banned from my brother’s wedding, was very unhappy and probably still is.
All she did the entire time of my visits was to whine and complain about everyone and everything, but when Alice told me, “This is why Tony wants nothing to do with you.” (Tony is my birth father) I couldn’t help but laugh at that because Tony’s a real fuckin saint haha. My sponsor said that’s too bad for the whole lot because, she said, “They are missing out on a very special person.” So I told my sponsor that every time I try getting in contact with those people, that it causes me nothing but pain. I wrote all my letters of amends to them, sent the one to my brother, but don’t see the point of actually mailing Tony’s, or my sisters since they really want nothing to do with me and frankly I did my best and I don’t want anymore pain. I tried all ready and I’m done. Yes, absolutely, she said. Direct amends are to be made only when it doesn’t cause more harm to others or myself, so I just have to get together with my sponsor and read the letters to her, then I’m done with Step 9. These people are all pissed off at me because I refused to pick up an 18 month old toddler that is my cousin 12 years ago, I tried to apologize, but they didn’t want to hear it.
Mom said it’s best because I really don’t want to have Tony in my life anyway, that he’s nothing but trouble, and she is right. The guy was a rapist and a thief that refused to take responsibility for any of the 4 kids he had by 4 different women. I think it’s funny how he tried to hone in on my famous brother though, who of course won’t have anything to do with him. Anyway, I’m holding no grudges, I’ve officially closed that chapter in my life as far as tying up loose ends.
When I got up today the phone rang and I thought it was the NA people wondering when I was gonna report for phone duty, but it was Erik. Whoa, that was awesome! I always love talking to Kupid. I don’t feel like I’ve been the best influence on him lately, because when I write in my journal, I tell the truth and the truth is that this past 6 months I haven’t been working the best spiritual program because of the fact I got hooked on tramadol. When that happened, that made me open up a jones for drugs in a new and fierce way. They say in NA that addiction is an insidious, cunning disease. It managed to weasel it’s way back in through the tramadol without me even having to pick up any “real” drugs like my beloved meth or painkillers.
I have steered clear of both, except for the fact that I did on 4 different occasions take some Rx dope for my teeth or once, a migraine that lasted for 3 days. After talking to Erik about the ibogaine, I did have an honest conversation with my Mom. I’m hooked on tramadol, I told her, I take 4 pills a day, not for pain, not to get high, but to avoid w/ds. I told her about my research on ibogaine, how it will detox me from tramadol, but that it costs $600. She said she might lend me the $600 for the ibogaine if I go talk to my doctor first. I’m willing to do that, but I know what any doc will most likely say, which will probably be no.
“Why can’t you just ask for an Rx?,” she asked. “It’s illegal in the US, but legal in Canada,” I said. “I have them send it to Erik and he could send it to me.” She was sketchy about that set up, but I said please Mom, I just want to get off this damn drug! I was actually touched because I was honest with her about my dilemma and didn’t want to have to go through another 2-4 months of w/ds if I didn’t have to, but her answer is maybe. I’d have to get Erik to send it to me though, PLEASE, BABY BOY! Mom asked me how I got off dope before and I said, I went to jail, but at least in jail I didn’t have to worry about going to work and feeling like crap. It’s not fair to my patients. “You don’t beat them do you?,” she asked. Laughing, no of course not,” I said. “I’m just dragging, feel no energy, feel like crap, and therefore my patience is thin. I DON’T want that.” “Thank you for being honest with me,” she said. “At least you’re doing something about it. And the past 2 years I’ve seen you actually face problems instead of avoiding them.” That was a real compliment. I’m very grateful for Mom. I just want off tramadol so I can feel normal again, but cold turkey is too much for me. I guess it’s back to tapering ½ pill a month plus taking the Phenocaine supplements again to help with the w/ds.
I never did anything wrong to Ed. I wrote him a long letter trying to get in touch with him, but apparently, he thinks I’m not including his wife or he just doesn’t like me, I don’t know since he won’t tell me, plus now I guess Dawn told him I’m a bitch. Hey whatever. I listened to what Alice had to say and in retrospect I probably shouldn’t have been afraid to try to get Dawn to like me. The ironic thing is that had I been high on speed, I probably could have pulled it off on the phone. Don’t get me wrong, when I was high you couldn’t count on me to interact with normies and show up for events, but as far as talking, I was quite good at that. Plus when I was high, if I wanted to talk to someone, I was never afraid to talk to them, but sober is completely different. I’m not afraid of people per se, but if I know someone hates me to begin with, I avoid them, or if I have to talk to them, I get to the point.
It saddened me that had I known this ahead of time I would not have made that mistake. Too late. I went to the Fri night NA meeting and everyone shared but me. I didn’t share for fear of starting to cry in the middle of it and I HATE that. When I got home from the meeting and I was alone in my room, I cried for 5 minutes and prayed to God. “I wish I would have known what to say,” I communicated with God. A few days later my sponsor and Cheryl from NA told me to call them and that they were really worried about me so I did. I told them the story and Cheryl said well they must be a bunch of unhappy people to continue to hold a grudge against me for something that happened 12 years ago, and now that I think about it, she’s right. Diane, my aunt the one that apparently made it a point to bad mouth me to the whole family and get me banned from my brother’s wedding, was very unhappy and probably still is.
All she did the entire time of my visits was to whine and complain about everyone and everything, but when Alice told me, “This is why Tony wants nothing to do with you.” (Tony is my birth father) I couldn’t help but laugh at that because Tony’s a real fuckin saint haha. My sponsor said that’s too bad for the whole lot because, she said, “They are missing out on a very special person.” So I told my sponsor that every time I try getting in contact with those people, that it causes me nothing but pain. I wrote all my letters of amends to them, sent the one to my brother, but don’t see the point of actually mailing Tony’s, or my sisters since they really want nothing to do with me and frankly I did my best and I don’t want anymore pain. I tried all ready and I’m done. Yes, absolutely, she said. Direct amends are to be made only when it doesn’t cause more harm to others or myself, so I just have to get together with my sponsor and read the letters to her, then I’m done with Step 9. These people are all pissed off at me because I refused to pick up an 18 month old toddler that is my cousin 12 years ago, I tried to apologize, but they didn’t want to hear it.
Mom said it’s best because I really don’t want to have Tony in my life anyway, that he’s nothing but trouble, and she is right. The guy was a rapist and a thief that refused to take responsibility for any of the 4 kids he had by 4 different women. I think it’s funny how he tried to hone in on my famous brother though, who of course won’t have anything to do with him. Anyway, I’m holding no grudges, I’ve officially closed that chapter in my life as far as tying up loose ends.
When I got up today the phone rang and I thought it was the NA people wondering when I was gonna report for phone duty, but it was Erik. Whoa, that was awesome! I always love talking to Kupid. I don’t feel like I’ve been the best influence on him lately, because when I write in my journal, I tell the truth and the truth is that this past 6 months I haven’t been working the best spiritual program because of the fact I got hooked on tramadol. When that happened, that made me open up a jones for drugs in a new and fierce way. They say in NA that addiction is an insidious, cunning disease. It managed to weasel it’s way back in through the tramadol without me even having to pick up any “real” drugs like my beloved meth or painkillers.
I have steered clear of both, except for the fact that I did on 4 different occasions take some Rx dope for my teeth or once, a migraine that lasted for 3 days. After talking to Erik about the ibogaine, I did have an honest conversation with my Mom. I’m hooked on tramadol, I told her, I take 4 pills a day, not for pain, not to get high, but to avoid w/ds. I told her about my research on ibogaine, how it will detox me from tramadol, but that it costs $600. She said she might lend me the $600 for the ibogaine if I go talk to my doctor first. I’m willing to do that, but I know what any doc will most likely say, which will probably be no.
“Why can’t you just ask for an Rx?,” she asked. “It’s illegal in the US, but legal in Canada,” I said. “I have them send it to Erik and he could send it to me.” She was sketchy about that set up, but I said please Mom, I just want to get off this damn drug! I was actually touched because I was honest with her about my dilemma and didn’t want to have to go through another 2-4 months of w/ds if I didn’t have to, but her answer is maybe. I’d have to get Erik to send it to me though, PLEASE, BABY BOY! Mom asked me how I got off dope before and I said, I went to jail, but at least in jail I didn’t have to worry about going to work and feeling like crap. It’s not fair to my patients. “You don’t beat them do you?,” she asked. Laughing, no of course not,” I said. “I’m just dragging, feel no energy, feel like crap, and therefore my patience is thin. I DON’T want that.” “Thank you for being honest with me,” she said. “At least you’re doing something about it. And the past 2 years I’ve seen you actually face problems instead of avoiding them.” That was a real compliment. I’m very grateful for Mom. I just want off tramadol so I can feel normal again, but cold turkey is too much for me. I guess it’s back to tapering ½ pill a month plus taking the Phenocaine supplements again to help with the w/ds.
things i want to eat when i am back next week:
it will be 4 days of pigging out
- water ice
- honey hut
- swensons
- quaker steak
- lola or lolita
- hbc
- great lakes
it will be 4 days of pigging out
Oh yes.
- I have a cabinet full of vinegar.
- Sometimes when I am having writer's block, or if I am craving a snack, I drink a shot of rice vinegar and the heat sends me back to work.
- I experience extreme disappointment when I buy vinegar that underwhelms. Most recent bad bottles of black and sherry vinegars have been quarantined in a place no one else knows about.
- When I burn pans, I boil vinegar and water to get rid of the black spots because the house smells great afterward :D I don't really know or notice if this is actually effective in removing burn spots.
- I suspect that my main reason for liking sushi is because of the vinegary taste.
- A veggie wrap is not complete without balsamic dressing.
- I try to quickly finish the vegetables I pickle so I can drink the leftover vinegar.
- After eating dumplings, and when I am quite sure no one is looking, I will drink the leftover dipping sauce because of its high vinegar content.
- I am about to go back to my vinegar cabinet and take another vinegar shot.
Like a shadow
the past is omnipresent
possessing all it is cast across
with the sun aglow at your back
standing in the midst
of the skipping record of circumstance
to process becomes desperation
gunning to push past cranial indigestion
bear the emotional playback
spreading out like spilled milk, saturating
enveloping everything
strive to feel yourself beyond the veil
something haunting there, lingering
cold, dark and ambiguous
seems the dead tell tales after all
try to listen within the static hiss
behind deafening roars of silence
beneath the white-knuckled fists of fate
that arise right out of walls
erected at the lips of a mote of fear,
a well-blazed halo of avoidance
just give them away
these circles that become smaller
making life overwhelming
twisting your heart till it breaks
bending your mind till it snaps
draining your life till it becomes
a desolate wasteland
for nothing less than death
bring on noonday now
bring on noonday now
bring on noonday now
let the shadow disappear.
the past is omnipresent
possessing all it is cast across
with the sun aglow at your back
standing in the midst
of the skipping record of circumstance
to process becomes desperation
gunning to push past cranial indigestion
bear the emotional playback
spreading out like spilled milk, saturating
enveloping everything
strive to feel yourself beyond the veil
something haunting there, lingering
cold, dark and ambiguous
seems the dead tell tales after all
try to listen within the static hiss
behind deafening roars of silence
beneath the white-knuckled fists of fate
that arise right out of walls
erected at the lips of a mote of fear,
a well-blazed halo of avoidance
just give them away
these circles that become smaller
making life overwhelming
twisting your heart till it breaks
bending your mind till it snaps
draining your life till it becomes
a desolate wasteland
for nothing less than death
bring on noonday now
bring on noonday now
bring on noonday now
let the shadow disappear.
Everyone reading this know about the Grateful Dead Live Music Archive? It's a website that has pretty much every Grateful Dead show ever played or in the case of the late 1960's and early 70's shows, recorded, and you can download any song, from any show, or download the entire show, for free, no catches. 100% legal no strings attached! Here's the link:
http://www.archive.org/details/GratefulDead
Remember that thing I said about there not being any catches? Well... I forgotti to mention one minor issue; Did any of you have the bad luck to meet Jerry's wife, Bitchula Prime? Or maybe you'd recognize her by her Christian name, Deborah; any of you meet Deborah “don't call me Deb or Debbie” Garcia?
Let's stick with Bitchula Prime; it's gritty and realistic.
Well it used to be that you could download soundboards off the music archive as well as audience tapes, but then Bitchula Prime took legal action to have the entire site taken down because she wanted to make money off of the years of music that our dead junkie hero, one Jerome missing finger Garcia, and his running buddies in the world's most loveable band, the Grateful Dead had created over decades of touring. Bitchula had already sued the surviving members of the band in order to get her dirty claws on Jerry's Doug Irwin Guitars; think that grimy gold digger wanted to take guitar lessons?
Fuck no the Bitchula didn't! She wanted to sell them for as much cash as she could get! How else is an ugly, unpleasant, ignorant, fire breathing bitch going to find another man? Oh; there is that way. The Garcia way.
She might find another junkie with money and wriggle her way in like the corn maggot Bitchula is and always will be; but anyway- about the catches and court cases- and how it affects your experience when checking out the Grateful Dead Music Archive.
The jist of it; Bitchula kind of won and she kind of lost.
Soundboards on the archive are still available... but not to download onto your computer. You can only stream soundboards for your listening pleasure; no keepies! Audience tapes, however, are free to download onto your computer, so you can have them forever and for free no strings attached; When you hit the archive and see how many shows and songs this means are all yours for free, if you're thinking like I am you'll call it even stevens and be completely happy with the ruling.
Look; the band played show after show for years and they had a blast doing so. But anyone who doesn't realize that they were trying to make hella cash while doing so is living in that same delusion that all those college kids I sold doses to in my teens were living in; It wasn't ever about peace, love, apple pies and Chevrolet! Until the last years of tour there wasn't any 'scene' to not fuck up like all the spare changing drainbows were blamed for doing; I just didn't want them around because why should they keep asking me to pack their brand new pipes for free and beg for a miracle ticket while I chose to sling single doses on an ever riskier parking lot? And why shouldn't the band want to make some lootskins for all their troubles too?
Trust me, they always were out to make some money, and maybe it wasn't the most important item on the list but it was up there. I was out there to make some lootskins too, so I could finance my years of madcap & mayhem coast to coast; it sucks but that's the way of the world. Trust me, there's plenty of audience tapes that have such amazing sound quality, you won't even know if it's a soundboard or an audience tape. When Bitchula Prime took legal action to have the archive taken down, it was never the money aspect of it that made me hate every atom in her body yet more, and I didn't think that was possible.
What pissed me off about Bitchula taking legal action about anything Grateful Dead (or Garcia Band) is that she didn't have shit to do with any of it except for one tiny thing; bitchula ragged on Jerome to get off the heroin and that drove him to methadone (again) and then an insane attempt at a cold turkey full on kick in some hellish rehabs. After his escape from the first re-hell-ab Jer' wound up in another one that didn't even know diddly duke about opiate withdrawal, didn't monitor Jerry's condition, and he died when the withdrawal was too much for Jerry's body.
That bitch knows nothing about how dangerous kicking a hard core, long term opiate dependency can be; I fucking know all too well what it's like and what Jerry went through in a rehab that thinks cold turkey withdrawal off of methadone or other opiates is the best way to come off of opiates. As I was told by one of those psychopathic 12 step rehab counselors when I was kicking methadone cold turkey in the detox unit at Cumberland Heights, an inpatient rehab in Nashville:
“You need to remember how bad this feels; otherwise you'll go through this again and again. You might hate me for saying this now but the pain you're in right now is the best thing I can give you. One day in the future you'll thank me for telling the nurses not to give you any Klanipin or anything else to ease the withdrawal pains you're feeling now. I know you don't believe me, but it's true. One day you'll understand and thank me; I know it's bad now but maybe it's time to ask your higher power to help you because you can't help yourself. Why don't you try praying to get you through instead of using?”
Well it's nearly God damned ten years later and know what? I haven't thanked that fucking idiot or anyone else at that hellhole for making me kick methadone cold turkey; I am still pissed off at those freaks for what happened soon after I was told that: I lost my fucking pulse that kick was so fucked up. I'd been taking 125 mg of methadone everyday for three years at two methadone clinics in Nashville, got health insurance, dropped down to 70 mg in two weeks (which was awful enough) and then went into Cumberland Height's diabolical detox and rehab.
What the hell did Bitchula want Jerry off of dope for anyway? She only hooked up with him because he was opianated; he played much better on a fat shot of hi quality smack; she barely knew anything about Jerry as it was. Where was she during the boy's formative years in Palo Alto? Probably with Phyllis Schlafly's crowd. Where was she during the infamous acid tests? Not with Jerry; Mountain Girl had her eye on that back then. Oh yes, they even had a daughter. Why isn't Jerry's girl getting all the loot, anyway? Why isn't she checking out Jerry's guitars like a superheroes child who's about to discover they have super powers too, just like Dad?
I remember when Jerry and Bitchula pulled into a health food parking lot in Marin as my friends and I were smoking some Big Sur Holy Nuggets, and we waved hi to him. He'd seen us here and there all across the country many times before; sometimes he sent a trusted unnamed roadie to get some dope from we members of the nod squad. But as Bitchula Prime got out of Jer's shiny black BMW to go inside the health food store in a huff and slammed! the passenger door shut poor Jerry was sitting there looking miserable and far too sober.
He was dead maybe... three? Four years after that?
I'm not sure, as I was incarcerated not long after that in a correctional facility. I needed some correcting in societies opinion. I guess. LSD is illegal to distribute, sell, or take for personal use in Nassau Co. Long Island, New York.
It was for sale; I swear on my mother it was.
So go check out the Grateful Dead Music Archive and tell me what you think; any shows bring back any good memories? Hear any scorchers? Find a Scarlet>Fire that beats the May 77 Ithaca Scarlet> Fire ( Like the Egypt, Sphinx Theater, May 14th 1978 Scarlet> Fire available to download at the archive>)? Tell me all about it, Are you a knucklehead from Albany, New York who threatened to kick a tour kid's ass in 1990 if he didn't give you “doses.” and he convinced you to suck on the matchbook cover he handed you while swearing to you there was LSD in it? Threatened to kick his ass up and down the street if there wasn't any “doses” in it, left with your friends, and what happened a half hour later?
Not an ass kicking! Your buddies were carrying you to somewhere, and you were crying, your pants half down, shirt gone, too fucked up to walk or keep your clothes on without assistance, remember? Yeah, that was WASH in that matchbook cover motherfucker; told you so!!! No one got an ass kicking but someone's brain got a kicking.... Hope you a week's worth of happy trails Honcho!
If you are reading this, go to the Archive, Knickerbocker Arena, Albany, New York, March 25 1991, because that's the night we met! Pretty nice 3 stop run of shows in Albany, but for me the highlight of that Spring Tour was a little further down the line, in Greensboro, N.C., on March 31. I was peaking on far too many mushrooms when Jerry cranked up a lackluster show by cranking out a madcap “Might As Well,” and I got spiritualized North Cackalacky style!
You can download either the Albany or Greensboro shows at the archive, so whatcha waiting for; are you all members of the Nod Squad or something? Git on the stick, check it out, and tell me what you think! And if that kid who ate a mouthful of wash is reading, don't be mad; Remember the saying I read on this bumper sticker once; “No time to hate; Grateful Dead Spring Tour 88!”
Boo-ya-kah-shah!
http://www.archive.org/details/GratefulDead
Remember that thing I said about there not being any catches? Well... I forgotti to mention one minor issue; Did any of you have the bad luck to meet Jerry's wife, Bitchula Prime? Or maybe you'd recognize her by her Christian name, Deborah; any of you meet Deborah “don't call me Deb or Debbie” Garcia?
Let's stick with Bitchula Prime; it's gritty and realistic.
Well it used to be that you could download soundboards off the music archive as well as audience tapes, but then Bitchula Prime took legal action to have the entire site taken down because she wanted to make money off of the years of music that our dead junkie hero, one Jerome missing finger Garcia, and his running buddies in the world's most loveable band, the Grateful Dead had created over decades of touring. Bitchula had already sued the surviving members of the band in order to get her dirty claws on Jerry's Doug Irwin Guitars; think that grimy gold digger wanted to take guitar lessons?
Fuck no the Bitchula didn't! She wanted to sell them for as much cash as she could get! How else is an ugly, unpleasant, ignorant, fire breathing bitch going to find another man? Oh; there is that way. The Garcia way.
She might find another junkie with money and wriggle her way in like the corn maggot Bitchula is and always will be; but anyway- about the catches and court cases- and how it affects your experience when checking out the Grateful Dead Music Archive.
The jist of it; Bitchula kind of won and she kind of lost.
Soundboards on the archive are still available... but not to download onto your computer. You can only stream soundboards for your listening pleasure; no keepies! Audience tapes, however, are free to download onto your computer, so you can have them forever and for free no strings attached; When you hit the archive and see how many shows and songs this means are all yours for free, if you're thinking like I am you'll call it even stevens and be completely happy with the ruling.
Look; the band played show after show for years and they had a blast doing so. But anyone who doesn't realize that they were trying to make hella cash while doing so is living in that same delusion that all those college kids I sold doses to in my teens were living in; It wasn't ever about peace, love, apple pies and Chevrolet! Until the last years of tour there wasn't any 'scene' to not fuck up like all the spare changing drainbows were blamed for doing; I just didn't want them around because why should they keep asking me to pack their brand new pipes for free and beg for a miracle ticket while I chose to sling single doses on an ever riskier parking lot? And why shouldn't the band want to make some lootskins for all their troubles too?
Trust me, they always were out to make some money, and maybe it wasn't the most important item on the list but it was up there. I was out there to make some lootskins too, so I could finance my years of madcap & mayhem coast to coast; it sucks but that's the way of the world. Trust me, there's plenty of audience tapes that have such amazing sound quality, you won't even know if it's a soundboard or an audience tape. When Bitchula Prime took legal action to have the archive taken down, it was never the money aspect of it that made me hate every atom in her body yet more, and I didn't think that was possible.
What pissed me off about Bitchula taking legal action about anything Grateful Dead (or Garcia Band) is that she didn't have shit to do with any of it except for one tiny thing; bitchula ragged on Jerome to get off the heroin and that drove him to methadone (again) and then an insane attempt at a cold turkey full on kick in some hellish rehabs. After his escape from the first re-hell-ab Jer' wound up in another one that didn't even know diddly duke about opiate withdrawal, didn't monitor Jerry's condition, and he died when the withdrawal was too much for Jerry's body.
That bitch knows nothing about how dangerous kicking a hard core, long term opiate dependency can be; I fucking know all too well what it's like and what Jerry went through in a rehab that thinks cold turkey withdrawal off of methadone or other opiates is the best way to come off of opiates. As I was told by one of those psychopathic 12 step rehab counselors when I was kicking methadone cold turkey in the detox unit at Cumberland Heights, an inpatient rehab in Nashville:
“You need to remember how bad this feels; otherwise you'll go through this again and again. You might hate me for saying this now but the pain you're in right now is the best thing I can give you. One day in the future you'll thank me for telling the nurses not to give you any Klanipin or anything else to ease the withdrawal pains you're feeling now. I know you don't believe me, but it's true. One day you'll understand and thank me; I know it's bad now but maybe it's time to ask your higher power to help you because you can't help yourself. Why don't you try praying to get you through instead of using?”
Well it's nearly God damned ten years later and know what? I haven't thanked that fucking idiot or anyone else at that hellhole for making me kick methadone cold turkey; I am still pissed off at those freaks for what happened soon after I was told that: I lost my fucking pulse that kick was so fucked up. I'd been taking 125 mg of methadone everyday for three years at two methadone clinics in Nashville, got health insurance, dropped down to 70 mg in two weeks (which was awful enough) and then went into Cumberland Height's diabolical detox and rehab.
What the hell did Bitchula want Jerry off of dope for anyway? She only hooked up with him because he was opianated; he played much better on a fat shot of hi quality smack; she barely knew anything about Jerry as it was. Where was she during the boy's formative years in Palo Alto? Probably with Phyllis Schlafly's crowd. Where was she during the infamous acid tests? Not with Jerry; Mountain Girl had her eye on that back then. Oh yes, they even had a daughter. Why isn't Jerry's girl getting all the loot, anyway? Why isn't she checking out Jerry's guitars like a superheroes child who's about to discover they have super powers too, just like Dad?
I remember when Jerry and Bitchula pulled into a health food parking lot in Marin as my friends and I were smoking some Big Sur Holy Nuggets, and we waved hi to him. He'd seen us here and there all across the country many times before; sometimes he sent a trusted unnamed roadie to get some dope from we members of the nod squad. But as Bitchula Prime got out of Jer's shiny black BMW to go inside the health food store in a huff and slammed! the passenger door shut poor Jerry was sitting there looking miserable and far too sober.
He was dead maybe... three? Four years after that?
I'm not sure, as I was incarcerated not long after that in a correctional facility. I needed some correcting in societies opinion. I guess. LSD is illegal to distribute, sell, or take for personal use in Nassau Co. Long Island, New York.
It was for sale; I swear on my mother it was.
So go check out the Grateful Dead Music Archive and tell me what you think; any shows bring back any good memories? Hear any scorchers? Find a Scarlet>Fire that beats the May 77 Ithaca Scarlet> Fire ( Like the Egypt, Sphinx Theater, May 14th 1978 Scarlet> Fire available to download at the archive>)? Tell me all about it, Are you a knucklehead from Albany, New York who threatened to kick a tour kid's ass in 1990 if he didn't give you “doses.” and he convinced you to suck on the matchbook cover he handed you while swearing to you there was LSD in it? Threatened to kick his ass up and down the street if there wasn't any “doses” in it, left with your friends, and what happened a half hour later?
Not an ass kicking! Your buddies were carrying you to somewhere, and you were crying, your pants half down, shirt gone, too fucked up to walk or keep your clothes on without assistance, remember? Yeah, that was WASH in that matchbook cover motherfucker; told you so!!! No one got an ass kicking but someone's brain got a kicking.... Hope you a week's worth of happy trails Honcho!
If you are reading this, go to the Archive, Knickerbocker Arena, Albany, New York, March 25 1991, because that's the night we met! Pretty nice 3 stop run of shows in Albany, but for me the highlight of that Spring Tour was a little further down the line, in Greensboro, N.C., on March 31. I was peaking on far too many mushrooms when Jerry cranked up a lackluster show by cranking out a madcap “Might As Well,” and I got spiritualized North Cackalacky style!
You can download either the Albany or Greensboro shows at the archive, so whatcha waiting for; are you all members of the Nod Squad or something? Git on the stick, check it out, and tell me what you think! And if that kid who ate a mouthful of wash is reading, don't be mad; Remember the saying I read on this bumper sticker once; “No time to hate; Grateful Dead Spring Tour 88!”
Boo-ya-kah-shah!