I stayed home all day Wednesday trying to get well. I've had a cold that started last Wednesday that has knocked me on my ass. I called the doc to find out what was up with my lab work, what the hell is wrong with me? Well I'm not diabetic, yea! I've been exposed to Hep C, they said. Duh, I already knew that. I specficially told my doc I wanted a liver panel, grrr, but my blood count was good, all in all $600 worth of tests. My insurance covered $200, so I guess I'll be getting a bill for the other $400. The doc called in some antibotics though, cause she says I have a bad UTI, bladder infection. So I got the Rx, but stayed home all day. I just want to get over this bloody cold. I felt it start up in my throat early Wed, am, yesterday, I'm thinking fuck! I took an airborn and started my course of antibiotics and now 24 hrs later, no sore throat, thank God.
I've been thinking about the iboga. It scares me to be honest. It sounds like an intense trip, but I'm willing to do it if it will help. I still don't know what Erik is gonna do, if he plans on coming down here from Van or what. Money is a problem for both of us, and any days off I take are unpaid, plus I'll have to get a motel room so I (or we) won't be confronted with my Mom. That's the one bad thing. I wish I could just be honest with her, but if I was, I know she wouldn't go for that at all and think I'm planning a relapse. Technically according to NA, that's what it would be, although in my mind it is not. It is only medicine. Medicine that might help reset the seratonin levels in my brain, give me a new perspective on the obsticals I can't seem to overcome, even with great effort, plus get me off this damn ultram. I'm not abusing the ultram, only taking my required dose early every morning to avoid W/D's. I plan on reducing the pills to 3 Friday the 13th and go down one pill every 3 weeks after that.
I think my mistake before was trying to go down too fast, and like any other drug it's best to take your time in order to avoid intense W/D's. That's the thing, if I HAVE to work, which I do, then I pretty much have to do this gradually, otherwise I end up feeling like crap and that's not fair to my patients. In a way detoxing in jail was alot easier because although the W/D's sucked, it wasn't like I had to worry about going to work. All I did was hang out in my cell 22 hrs a day, exercise the other 2, and talk to my cellie. So, by the time I was done serving my sentence, I was detoxed and felt great, went to work clean. I made a huge mistake taking ultram to begin with. I should have just taken extra strength motrin for all the dental procedures I had done, but I thought ultram would be better than vicodin. I should have stayed away, but too late, I'm stuck with the consequences.
If Erik does come here, it will be touch financially, but for him I'll make it happen. I could probably ask Linda to come in and check on us every 4 hrs, that might work. She'd do it too, if I gave her $20 as an initiative. That way we wouldn't be totally at the mercy of the drug, plus we could get well. It was good to stay home and rest. It's early am Thursday. The room is dark in here except for the bluish glow from the computer and I have the portable heater on. I visited with Mom for a little bit today, watched dvds and cable, then slept the rest of the time. It was sure nice of my Aunt to offer to pay for a series of acupuncture treatments for me to treat my migraines. Last time I did them in 1995 for about 4 months, 3 times a week, then 6 months later no headaches for 2 or 3 years. This way I won't have to dick around with constantly getting non narcotic pain killers from my doc or have to even think about touching the backup narcotic Rx I turned over to Mom, in order not to be at the mercy of a migraine for 3 days again when the non narcotics don't work, or I'm lacking in supply.
I emailed the acupuncturist and I think I'll start my treatments in April because I have traffic school the last 2 Wednesdays this month, and 2 dental appointments on Thursdays. She is closed on Mondays, so I can't go after work, and it's a hell of a drive all the way out to Pasadena, but I'm willing to go to great lengths to get well. Funny the more I think about it, the idea of actually doing crystal meth or pain pills seems like a rediculous idea. I have a head full of NA now and the highs wouldn't be the same. If I do the iboga I'll lose my clean time, but some things are worth pursuing if it's for the right reason. The main thing is I am planning on living a drug free life style. I know things about myself and life now that I didn't before, so I'm ready for a theraputic trip, should it come to pass.
I should get on writing those letters that Step 9 demands. I think I can write them now without an edge of sarcasm entering their contents, so after this blog entry I'll write and mail at least one. I guess I'll start with Tony because Mom has his addy that my brother's wife refused to give me. Then I can be done with him. I have 3 more letters after that, but the first one is a start.
I've been thinking about the iboga. It scares me to be honest. It sounds like an intense trip, but I'm willing to do it if it will help. I still don't know what Erik is gonna do, if he plans on coming down here from Van or what. Money is a problem for both of us, and any days off I take are unpaid, plus I'll have to get a motel room so I (or we) won't be confronted with my Mom. That's the one bad thing. I wish I could just be honest with her, but if I was, I know she wouldn't go for that at all and think I'm planning a relapse. Technically according to NA, that's what it would be, although in my mind it is not. It is only medicine. Medicine that might help reset the seratonin levels in my brain, give me a new perspective on the obsticals I can't seem to overcome, even with great effort, plus get me off this damn ultram. I'm not abusing the ultram, only taking my required dose early every morning to avoid W/D's. I plan on reducing the pills to 3 Friday the 13th and go down one pill every 3 weeks after that.
I think my mistake before was trying to go down too fast, and like any other drug it's best to take your time in order to avoid intense W/D's. That's the thing, if I HAVE to work, which I do, then I pretty much have to do this gradually, otherwise I end up feeling like crap and that's not fair to my patients. In a way detoxing in jail was alot easier because although the W/D's sucked, it wasn't like I had to worry about going to work. All I did was hang out in my cell 22 hrs a day, exercise the other 2, and talk to my cellie. So, by the time I was done serving my sentence, I was detoxed and felt great, went to work clean. I made a huge mistake taking ultram to begin with. I should have just taken extra strength motrin for all the dental procedures I had done, but I thought ultram would be better than vicodin. I should have stayed away, but too late, I'm stuck with the consequences.
If Erik does come here, it will be touch financially, but for him I'll make it happen. I could probably ask Linda to come in and check on us every 4 hrs, that might work. She'd do it too, if I gave her $20 as an initiative. That way we wouldn't be totally at the mercy of the drug, plus we could get well. It was good to stay home and rest. It's early am Thursday. The room is dark in here except for the bluish glow from the computer and I have the portable heater on. I visited with Mom for a little bit today, watched dvds and cable, then slept the rest of the time. It was sure nice of my Aunt to offer to pay for a series of acupuncture treatments for me to treat my migraines. Last time I did them in 1995 for about 4 months, 3 times a week, then 6 months later no headaches for 2 or 3 years. This way I won't have to dick around with constantly getting non narcotic pain killers from my doc or have to even think about touching the backup narcotic Rx I turned over to Mom, in order not to be at the mercy of a migraine for 3 days again when the non narcotics don't work, or I'm lacking in supply.
I emailed the acupuncturist and I think I'll start my treatments in April because I have traffic school the last 2 Wednesdays this month, and 2 dental appointments on Thursdays. She is closed on Mondays, so I can't go after work, and it's a hell of a drive all the way out to Pasadena, but I'm willing to go to great lengths to get well. Funny the more I think about it, the idea of actually doing crystal meth or pain pills seems like a rediculous idea. I have a head full of NA now and the highs wouldn't be the same. If I do the iboga I'll lose my clean time, but some things are worth pursuing if it's for the right reason. The main thing is I am planning on living a drug free life style. I know things about myself and life now that I didn't before, so I'm ready for a theraputic trip, should it come to pass.
I should get on writing those letters that Step 9 demands. I think I can write them now without an edge of sarcasm entering their contents, so after this blog entry I'll write and mail at least one. I guess I'll start with Tony because Mom has his addy that my brother's wife refused to give me. Then I can be done with him. I have 3 more letters after that, but the first one is a start.