Blogs

Someone close to me advised that I am focusing only on the dark aspects of my life....and I need to stop and look at the positive things. This is a break from the slippery slope of negativity, to the ski lift towards relief and self satisfaction.

Well I guess first off I was born. You could say that is a more accomplishment to my mother and father, but hey I kept breathing, that is an accomplishment heh.

I was always able and still able to be an outgoing and friendly individual, whose only desire is to make people laugh and have a good time while they are around, no matter whoever may be throwing negative vibes in my direction. Basically I have learned to always get back up and never let the ones who want to keep me down, keep me down (I know I am an amazing writer).

I am able to hold on to my past well, without dwelling on it. I am able to remember the amusement parks, the family trips, the good times with friends and good times with my sister, without it controlling my present.

I am diligent and to a certain degree intelligent. I passed tough courses in college with good grades, which earned a scholarship. I have graduated both high school and college and looking forward to earning my masters.

My parents are still proud of who I am and the man I am beginning to be. They have been there for all my good and bad times, and although they can hurt, they are forever loving. I can respect and give back that same feeling they give me.

I am able to enjoy life. I can understand that there may be greater things after I pass, but I can enjoy where I am now.

I enjoy giving what I have to make others feel good. I used to not have, and I learned an over abundance of giving can lead to the same alienation, however I adjusted now to where less is more, but less is better than none.

I can forgive. Forgetting will always be an issue I will have to deal with, and I may never be able to accomplish that. Forgiveness I can achieve, and I am humble to those who have the same ability to forgive me.

I have made many good friends, made many friendly acquaintances, and have been able to leave the negative ones behind. I am stronger now than I have been in a long time, and I can continue this trend even if there are pot holes in the road.

Importantly, I know I can change. I can go through the tough times, go through the hoops, learn from it, and adjust myself so I do not repeat it ever again.

There is my general list of accomplishments, and I am looking forward to many more in the future. See, I am not always depressing

Hello everyone, I just wanna introduce myself. I was born on the 13th January 2009. i am the oldest of six boys and also have two sisters.

My parents breeding was very pure and they did a great job bringing me up. I had a pretty stable upbringing although there was never enough food on the table and as a result I was pretty scrawny and my mum was in pretty poor condition because she would go without so we could all move ahead. She was a great lady.

On the 10th February this year i was sold to a man so that i could start working and learning to be the best that i could possibly be.

It was also on this day that I met my new best friend and someone whom i am sure I will be with for the rest of my life.

OK well it wasnt exactly that way right from the get go though. In fact when we first laid eyes on each other, she was already in the passenger seat of the truck that belongs to my new boss. I didnt even have to ask to immediately know that I had no place being on that front seat even though it was built for two.

Now it should be explained at this point that despite my being a very manly male, I am extremely cute. Well everyone tells me that anyways. And yet no matter how i tried to use my cuteness to win this wench over. Nothing would even get her to raise an eyebrow. the bitch hated me. At one point during the trip home i crawled up next to her on that front seat and she immediately moved off it. This was the pattern for the rest of that day.

I was invited to sit next to my boss on his beautifully comfy lounge and my beloved was already sitting there as well but as soon as i made a move towards that lounge........she was off and no amount of coaxing by the boss would have her joining us. Ohh yes, she had the shits.

Understandable i guess as she had had the run of the place pretty much unchallenged for the past 12 months.

My new boss fed me well that first night but I was quite shy being in a completely new environment and as such i was pretty early to bed. I also felt it best to allow time for my soon to be besty to converse with my master.

I HATE being ignored. ANYWHERE, ANYWAY that I feel ignored. When I'm hurting I want a kind word or a hug...is that so hard. I know I'm not the most important person on earth but whatever happened to some compassion? It just makes it all worse. I happens wherever I go it seems, my family, my bfs, BL...I'd perhaps people get sick of me being "EMO" I HATE that word. I ACTUALLY hurt, damn it! I think I feel too damn much. I wish I could just turn it off and then it wouldn't matter anymore. God I'm so pathetic that I make myself sick. thank god I don't get like this all the time like I used to. I had a bad day, I didn't sleep at all so it hasn't ended. I doubt the bf will want to see me tomorrow considering so I'll sleep and work on my major to do list...

-medication makes me a lot better. I'm usually less depressed and almost never suicidal.

-I have a bf who with the relationship is a lot of work at times, I suppose I pick a lot of the same difficult personality types but I care for him quite a bit.

-My ex has moved on and I realise I still love him. All he could talk to me about and torture me with is how perfect his new gf from North Carolina is. Apparently she is going to move here to be with him. I cry often lately about it. I feel horrible that I do because 1. I THOUGHT I moved on....and 2 I certainly isn't fair to my current bf. I miss the abusive ass. I guess when you lose who you are and give everything you have to one person you feel a lil upset when they are no longer there or give a damn about you, even 6 months later.

-I'm pretty much clean. I occasionally will pop a couple extra painkillers for my severe headaches, 2 birds with one stone. But I actually need the medication so I can't do it often. I don't use Tramadol or Soma anymore. I rarely even drink. Neither does the bf...

-I'm working again. Back at a grocery store a half hour away. I'm glad just to have a job again. Plus they are pretty much letting me do everything on my own. A who lot more responsibility and stress. But I feel that I might be assertive enough to say when enough is enough. But thank god I work. I do kinda like it and the hours are currently GREAT for me.

-Still don't know how to cope. All my coping skills are pretty much maladaptive. If I can't do any of those I just bawl my eyes out. Damn personality disorder still haunts me and causes problems in my relationship with the bf. He knows that its based on the fear of abandonment. I guess its time to get serious about getting into therapy. I can't seem to do it on my own. But I have no luck with therapy. Its painful, I resist it, it will take years to change the set personality characteristics. Anyone know any "self-help" books with Borderline Personality Disorder. I can read in a textbook what it is and know that is me to a T, but I can't seem to fix it.

-Today has been a pretty tough day emotionally. Fighting with the bf can be very draining. I'm smothering again...I feel like I'm beating my head against a brick wall when it comes to relationships, its not just the emotional distance of my ex. I desire so much affection that just being together isn't enough. I missed my meds the other day so that can send me for an emotional tailspin. Please don't think this is how I am. I a MUCH MUCH happier than I have been in a long time.

-Sadly it makes me wonder if maybe my ex could love me now...I need to let go but I have so much anger and sadness that I hid and swallowed and denied, even to myself. I want him back and cry sometimes because he pretty much told me he was all I had, I feel guilt about it, and I can become angry about how he is now or what he did to me or the time he took I can never get back. I don't know how to deal with anger. Am I horrible for wishing harm or misery like I suffered or revenge?

-I'm still in school. I should be graduating spring 2010. (Although I wonder if I can even find a job in my field and its just all a waste) At the moment I'm rather uncommitted to it. Taking classes I hate and feel like I don't really have to try. But attendance is rather required. I didn't go half the time at Central when all I had to do was walk across campus. Now I have to drive about a half hour. Tonight bf and I fighting kept me from my first class. I wouldn't leave until it was resolved and we were able to leave on decent grounds. I'm not sure if I should give him space or just keep up contact to be sure he knows that I care. Maybe I should just ask huh?

-Still living with my parents, although I often stay with Sean. I NEED to get out!! I can't stand it here. My parents went into my locked room, my mom found my key and thought apparently that gave her permission to use it. I was pissed. I feel that it should be MY space. Not that I really have anything to hide anymore. But my brother is still often emotionally abusive, threatening to harm me if I don't do what he wants, or do something, often I do nothing wrong and he goes off. Even my parents see it, sometimes I'M the one yelled at for making him mad. I'm afraid of him, he hits me, even though my parents never do when he threatens or hits my mom, I will call the cops. I want to move out but I can't get the things I need. Not with paying for school, driving and needing my medication. I won't make it if I have to go without it. I hope at some point Sean and I can move together. Going to be a LONG time from now seeing how he is...but what do you expect? I just don't want to and don't think it would be wise to be alone. It would allow me to fall into depression and what not.
-And not eat. Sean gets after me. I'm not sure what is the issue. I've had my blood looked at 3 times for thyroid issues. No such luck. Could it be another medical problem? Should I be making an appointment. Sean's scale says I weigh 96 pds, the one at work says 99, either way I weighed more in 7th grade than I do now. Thats not good. Sean sees now severe it is...He worries, and often will encourage me to eat. I don't think my ED is back. I don't usually think I need to lose weight, usually I see myself realistically.

-Oh on that note, my self-esteem usually is better. I have started to whiten my teeth, Sean's has a tanning bed I can use, I cut my hair and try to at least do a few nice things for myself. Some days I ACTUALLY feel pretty. I have tried to take control of my own life and my own mental health, ALTHOUGH this blog doesn't sounds like I'm doing very well. Like I said it was a bad day.
-Medically I don't know what the issue is. I get what the Dr's don't know what they are. Sinus headaches or tension headaches. I've had a MRI but it just showed a sinus infection. I have one about every other month. Appt about that?? Maybe I'm a hypochondriac, my mom thinks I am. Sean sees the pain I am and worries. He also hates that I bitch about it so much and there isn't shit he can do about it. It seems like my hair is starting to fall out again. Maybe my imagination? Last time that happened I determined I did 't sleep enough and my stress level was too high and changed schools. What now? *sigh* Maybe I should just make an appt for peace of mind. God knows.

-Wow this blog turned into a downer and I didn't intend for it to be. I guess that's a tough day for ya.

-Hmm I can't think of anything else at the moment. ANY advice on these issues is MORE than welcome. Those of you that are allowed to read this are trusted friends with my best interest at heart. Much love all. Please know I really am doing MUCH MUCH better than I used to be MOSt days, this isn't one of them. Damn I shouldn't blog on days like this. Makes ppl see this as emo bs.


Currently listening:
The Sound Of Madness
By Shinedown
Release date: 2008-06-24

Something I felt like saying on a Sunday night..


Out of everything that you have been through, every part of yourself that you think has been beaten, stolen, taken from you. For all the soft, safe spots in your life you think you have lost. You have in fact, lost nothing.

It is all still there inside you. Jumbled. Muddled pages of a book dropped and regathered too quickly, on the synthetic floor, of the school you are leaving. In the hallways you will finally be allowed to run in.

The wave will come again, a natural cycle will repeating, gently washing the jagged rock to smooth stone.

You see fragments of what you held solid and dear, torn and strewn into the darkest corners of your being. But when the fire returns, you will see those ideas that no longer burn as weak flame sheltered close to your chest, but as wildfire lighting every part of your being.

You are here because your time is coming again. You have lost nothing, and have everything to give.

Do not believe me.
Believe in yourself.
Spread your wings from the ashes.
and rise.

If you don't like my fire, then don't come around. Cuz I'm gonna burn one down...(ben harper)

What happened to the fighting spirit in America? The belief that if we don't like how our country is being run we have the authority to remove officials and change political order to suit how we want to be governed. Pretty sure that was a founding principle of our country. Fuck US government! Any governing body that calls itself democratic and run by the ppl and preach to other countries about the correct way to run their ppl, yet can beat any fighting spirit out of their own population deserves nothing more than being bound and treated at the mercy of those people. What's so impractical about literally letting the people run the damn country? Set up permanent polling places in every city or county. Every law introduced by senate will be voted on during a designated polling period for that issue. everyone that wants to vote on that specific issue has the opportunity to truly have a voice.

How often does any single person find a candidate/representative that is anything more than the most appropriate choice for them? A candidate that holds at least the same major views of the voter doesn't accurately represent any individual yet somehow ppl believe they can represent any sort of population with any sort of accuracy? Bullshit. They get power and lovvy for what they want. You're just lucky as a voter if you want something your candidate wants. Oxymoron: Selfless politician. It's all a dick-sizing competition to see who can get the most money/respect/power. Once voted does a representative EVER come to their home town to hold a town/county/state meeting to get feedback on what their ppl want? No, apparently whoever runs the most convincing campaign holds constant understanding of what their voters want. Fuck that. How many politicians don't break a law that would land a commoner in jail? I'd be willing to bet if we jailed 50% of those in power that deserved it we'd be left with a much different brand of people in government. POWER/MONEY=Freedom.

If we're granted inalienable rights then how can we be alienated from them? How does me smoking weed encroach on anyone else's right to life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness? It seems the biggest violator of encroaching on these rights is by the government itself. Ironic. He who giveth may taketh away I guess. What a crock of shit. I guess we were also founded on hypocrisy too so I suppose there's not much else we could have developed into. I'm reminded now of George Carlin pointing out this country was founded by a group of slave owners who said All men are created equal. "This is what's called being stunningly, STUNNINGLY full of shit". Maybe a new topic but I have one of my own lyrics stuck in my head, "Wisdom doesn't come from age and experience, it comes when you put that diploma on your desk"

ahhhh what a rant

There's a battle outside ragin'. It'll soon shake your windows and rattle your walls, for the times they are a-changin'.

Everyday I wake up to church bells ringing not a block away, ringing in the daily monotony of reality. Wake up, shower, walk to the bus, get on the train. Sometimes joining the usuals as part of their daily routine. When was the last time I seized the day? Better yet, when was the last time one day stood out from another? It's all just one long blur of light, dark, light, dark. What does this monotony give us? Security, comfort, acceptance. Security in knowing what's going to happen next. Comfort in not having to think on our own. Acceptance from other "routiners" as we make smalltalk on the usual trainride downtown. It's all bullshit. All about as real as the threesome I had last night behind closed eyes. Real life lays beyond routine, rules, and even drugs. What I wouldn't give to really live...

I'm always reminded of CosmicCharlie's great quote "All who wanders is not lost". I think this can be slightly reworded and be just as true, "All who are lost are NOT wandering". Who experiences life like a wanderer? No expectations, rules, authority, responsibilities, just the day to day roaming and freedom to enjoy every bit of life one can absorb. What does tripping do? Make everything new again. Why is it so profound to realize the true beauty in the simplicity of nature? Why can't we appreciate the life emanating from the vibrant greens of oak trees as we pass them on our daily trek to the same ol shit? Because we don't have the time. More accurately, we don't allow for the time. It's hard to put time aside to sit under a tree and run your palm across the top of the grass just to feel the tickle of the newly trimmed blades. No wonder psychedelics carry such profundity, allowing one to leave the restraints of time and experience the timeless beauty of every form of life.

Relatively recently I've become obsessed with this issue. Bluelight has given me many new resources and ideas. I've met ppl truly living life and I have true admiration for them. Sometimes I feel like I don't belong b/c I feel I don't have the experience and true understanding of what life can be as well as many here do. Sometimes I feel like I was born out of time, a true "wrong place wrong time" sort of existence. How do I combat such a feeling? How can I change the time I live in and views of those surrounding me when everyone sees my views as ludicrous, obsolete, far-fetched?

That's as far as I got on my morning train ride, but what a great tool! I will be doing this MUCH more often

death is suppose to be something so natural, something people encounter everyday...but no one is ever prepared. even when you know it's going to happen your whole life.

when my father died i felt numb. it was so sad and everyone around me was crying...i was too but i couldnt feel it. he stared only at me in a room full of people with a tube in his throat. i held his hand, they were huge and his fingers were flat from slamming them in so many doors by accident. his skin felt cold on the outside but warm inside deep in the muscle.

they had removed the breathing tube and he breathed on his own for over 10 minutes and i kept thinking, breath dad...just breath and be better...come home. but his breaths became more dense as he attempted to lift his head to look around the room, then his gazed was fixed back at me who was by his right side. i tightened my grip on his hand and it felt like he did too. when his pupils began to dialate a sense of wonder spread over his face and i told him i loved him and to not go too far from me. he slipped away and he was gone.

to me death isnt just an event that takes place, it could almost be explained as an object that clings to those left without. the only way i knew how to cope was to stay busy, to keep my hands at a constant flow of activity. otherwise it would find me in an idle state and consume me like a dark blanket, enveloping all the saddness in a close proximity. even now, almost 3 years later, it still finds me.

losing a parent is losing all security you have in yourself, those around you, and eveything that has to do with anything. it pushes you ino a state of questioning.

my father was sick his whole life with something. it's almost as if he collected illnesses like stamps...COPD, emphysema, neurofibromatosis, colon cancer, chronic bronchitis, constant heart attacks i had to supress with nitroglycerin pills. he would get pneumonia, or the flu and i would hold my breath until he lived through it. and between all of that he would pass multiple kidney stones. he was always in and out of the hospital and i knew the VA like the back of my hand...but he lived through it all. even through a collapsed lung which eventually they had to take parts of his lungs out. he was strong for such a little guy and he hated knowing that i was caring for him

and in dealing with all that he was there for me. he would come to pick me up at 3 am because my mother was drunk and violent. even when i was in my rebellious stage, he fought for me not to go to juvenile detention. when i was 16 and custody of me was given to the state because of my mother's stupidity and his health, he still drove the 40 minutes every tuesday and thurday to come see me, then again on friday to take me home for a home visit. i hated those assholes for making him feel unable to care for his daughter.

god i miss him. he had such a great sense of humor. he would always always always ask me if i was ok and sometimes it would irritate me because he asked so much. once i snapped at him for asking and i imdiately felt bad but didnt want to say so. he went to take a bath and when he got out i went in to use the bathroom. he had taken malaura's bathtub letters and spelled out: R U OK? on the bathtub wall. we laughed for days about it.

my mom called this morning saying my grandfather was sick. i asked if he was ok and she said no. i asked what was happening and she said, my father's sick stacy! i asked if she was ok and then she hung up. i hope papa is ok, and i hope she's ok...

i miss my dad...

things i want to eat when i am back next week:

• water ice
• honey hut
• swensons
• quaker steak
• lola or lolita
• hbc
• great lakes

it will be 4 days of pigging out

Oh yes.

• I have a cabinet full of vinegar.
• Sometimes when I am having writer's block, or if I am craving a snack, I drink a shot of rice vinegar and the heat sends me back to work.
• I experience extreme disappointment when I buy vinegar that underwhelms. Most recent bad bottles of black and sherry vinegars have been quarantined in a place no one else knows about.
• When I burn pans, I boil vinegar and water to get rid of the black spots because the house smells great afterward :D I don't really know or notice if this is actually effective in removing burn spots.
• I suspect that my main reason for liking sushi is because of the vinegary taste.
• A veggie wrap is not complete without balsamic dressing.
• I try to quickly finish the vegetables I pickle so I can drink the leftover vinegar.
• After eating dumplings, and when I am quite sure no one is looking, I will drink the leftover dipping sauce because of its high vinegar content.
• I am about to go back to my vinegar cabinet and take another vinegar shot.

Like a shadow
the past is omnipresent
possessing all it is cast across
with the sun aglow at your back

standing in the midst
of the skipping record of circumstance
to process becomes desperation
gunning to push past cranial indigestion

bear the emotional playback
spreading out like spilled milk, saturating
enveloping everything

strive to feel yourself beyond the veil
something haunting there, lingering
cold, dark and ambiguous
seems the dead tell tales after all

try to listen within the static hiss
behind deafening roars of silence
beneath the white-knuckled fists of fate
that arise right out of walls
erected at the lips of a mote of fear,
a well-blazed halo of avoidance

just give them away
these circles that become smaller
making life overwhelming

twisting your heart till it breaks
bending your mind till it snaps
draining your life till it becomes
a desolate wasteland
for nothing less than death

bring on noonday now
bring on noonday now
bring on noonday now
let the shadow disappear.

Everyone reading this know about the Grateful Dead Live Music Archive? It's a website that has pretty much every Grateful Dead show ever played or in the case of the late 1960's and early 70's shows, recorded, and you can download any song, from any show, or download the entire show, for free, no catches. 100% legal no strings attached! Here's the link:
http://www.archive.org/details/GratefulDead

Remember that thing I said about there not being any catches? Well... I forgotti to mention one minor issue; Did any of you have the bad luck to meet Jerry's wife, Bitchula Prime? Or maybe you'd recognize her by her Christian name, Deborah; any of you meet Deborah “don't call me Deb or Debbie” Garcia?

Let's stick with Bitchula Prime; it's gritty and realistic.

Well it used to be that you could download soundboards off the music archive as well as audience tapes, but then Bitchula Prime took legal action to have the entire site taken down because she wanted to make money off of the years of music that our dead junkie hero, one Jerome missing finger Garcia, and his running buddies in the world's most loveable band, the Grateful Dead had created over decades of touring. Bitchula had already sued the surviving members of the band in order to get her dirty claws on Jerry's Doug Irwin Guitars; think that grimy gold digger wanted to take guitar lessons?

Fuck no the Bitchula didn't! She wanted to sell them for as much cash as she could get! How else is an ugly, unpleasant, ignorant, fire breathing bitch going to find another man? Oh; there is that way. The Garcia way.

She might find another junkie with money and wriggle her way in like the corn maggot Bitchula is and always will be; but anyway- about the catches and court cases- and how it affects your experience when checking out the Grateful Dead Music Archive.

The jist of it; Bitchula kind of won and she kind of lost.

Soundboards on the archive are still available... but not to download onto your computer. You can only stream soundboards for your listening pleasure; no keepies! Audience tapes, however, are free to download onto your computer, so you can have them forever and for free no strings attached; When you hit the archive and see how many shows and songs this means are all yours for free, if you're thinking like I am you'll call it even stevens and be completely happy with the ruling.

Look; the band played show after show for years and they had a blast doing so. But anyone who doesn't realize that they were trying to make hella cash while doing so is living in that same delusion that all those college kids I sold doses to in my teens were living in; It wasn't ever about peace, love, apple pies and Chevrolet! Until the last years of tour there wasn't any 'scene' to not fuck up like all the spare changing drainbows were blamed for doing; I just didn't want them around because why should they keep asking me to pack their brand new pipes for free and beg for a miracle ticket while I chose to sling single doses on an ever riskier parking lot? And why shouldn't the band want to make some lootskins for all their troubles too?

Trust me, they always were out to make some money, and maybe it wasn't the most important item on the list but it was up there. I was out there to make some lootskins too, so I could finance my years of madcap & mayhem coast to coast; it sucks but that's the way of the world. Trust me, there's plenty of audience tapes that have such amazing sound quality, you won't even know if it's a soundboard or an audience tape. When Bitchula Prime took legal action to have the archive taken down, it was never the money aspect of it that made me hate every atom in her body yet more, and I didn't think that was possible.

What pissed me off about Bitchula taking legal action about anything Grateful Dead (or Garcia Band) is that she didn't have shit to do with any of it except for one tiny thing; bitchula ragged on Jerome to get off the heroin and that drove him to methadone (again) and then an insane attempt at a cold turkey full on kick in some hellish rehabs. After his escape from the first re-hell-ab Jer' wound up in another one that didn't even know diddly duke about opiate withdrawal, didn't monitor Jerry's condition, and he died when the withdrawal was too much for Jerry's body.

That bitch knows nothing about how dangerous kicking a hard core, long term opiate dependency can be; I fucking know all too well what it's like and what Jerry went through in a rehab that thinks cold turkey withdrawal off of methadone or other opiates is the best way to come off of opiates. As I was told by one of those psychopathic 12 step rehab counselors when I was kicking methadone cold turkey in the detox unit at Cumberland Heights, an inpatient rehab in Nashville:

“You need to remember how bad this feels; otherwise you'll go through this again and again. You might hate me for saying this now but the pain you're in right now is the best thing I can give you. One day in the future you'll thank me for telling the nurses not to give you any Klanipin or anything else to ease the withdrawal pains you're feeling now. I know you don't believe me, but it's true. One day you'll understand and thank me; I know it's bad now but maybe it's time to ask your higher power to help you because you can't help yourself. Why don't you try praying to get you through instead of using?”

Well it's nearly God damned ten years later and know what? I haven't thanked that fucking idiot or anyone else at that hellhole for making me kick methadone cold turkey; I am still pissed off at those freaks for what happened soon after I was told that: I lost my fucking pulse that kick was so fucked up. I'd been taking 125 mg of methadone everyday for three years at two methadone clinics in Nashville, got health insurance, dropped down to 70 mg in two weeks (which was awful enough) and then went into Cumberland Height's diabolical detox and rehab.

What the hell did Bitchula want Jerry off of dope for anyway? She only hooked up with him because he was opianated; he played much better on a fat shot of hi quality smack; she barely knew anything about Jerry as it was. Where was she during the boy's formative years in Palo Alto? Probably with Phyllis Schlafly's crowd. Where was she during the infamous acid tests? Not with Jerry; Mountain Girl had her eye on that back then. Oh yes, they even had a daughter. Why isn't Jerry's girl getting all the loot, anyway? Why isn't she checking out Jerry's guitars like a superheroes child who's about to discover they have super powers too, just like Dad?

I remember when Jerry and Bitchula pulled into a health food parking lot in Marin as my friends and I were smoking some Big Sur Holy Nuggets, and we waved hi to him. He'd seen us here and there all across the country many times before; sometimes he sent a trusted unnamed roadie to get some dope from we members of the nod squad. But as Bitchula Prime got out of Jer's shiny black BMW to go inside the health food store in a huff and slammed! the passenger door shut poor Jerry was sitting there looking miserable and far too sober.

He was dead maybe... three? Four years after that?

I'm not sure, as I was incarcerated not long after that in a correctional facility. I needed some correcting in societies opinion. I guess. LSD is illegal to distribute, sell, or take for personal use in Nassau Co. Long Island, New York.

It was for sale; I swear on my mother it was.

So go check out the Grateful Dead Music Archive and tell me what you think; any shows bring back any good memories? Hear any scorchers? Find a Scarlet>Fire that beats the May 77 Ithaca Scarlet> Fire ( Like the Egypt, Sphinx Theater, May 14th 1978 Scarlet> Fire available to download at the archive>)? Tell me all about it, Are you a knucklehead from Albany, New York who threatened to kick a tour kid's ass in 1990 if he didn't give you “doses.” and he convinced you to suck on the matchbook cover he handed you while swearing to you there was LSD in it? Threatened to kick his ass up and down the street if there wasn't any “doses” in it, left with your friends, and what happened a half hour later?

Not an ass kicking! Your buddies were carrying you to somewhere, and you were crying, your pants half down, shirt gone, too fucked up to walk or keep your clothes on without assistance, remember? Yeah, that was WASH in that matchbook cover motherfucker; told you so!!! No one got an ass kicking but someone's brain got a kicking.... Hope you a week's worth of happy trails Honcho!

If you are reading this, go to the Archive, Knickerbocker Arena, Albany, New York, March 25 1991, because that's the night we met! Pretty nice 3 stop run of shows in Albany, but for me the highlight of that Spring Tour was a little further down the line, in Greensboro, N.C., on March 31. I was peaking on far too many mushrooms when Jerry cranked up a lackluster show by cranking out a madcap “Might As Well,” and I got spiritualized North Cackalacky style!

You can download either the Albany or Greensboro shows at the archive, so whatcha waiting for; are you all members of the Nod Squad or something? Git on the stick, check it out, and tell me what you think! And if that kid who ate a mouthful of wash is reading, don't be mad; Remember the saying I read on this bumper sticker once; “No time to hate; Grateful Dead Spring Tour 88!”

Boo-ya-kah-shah!

Long story, just curious there seems to be nothing solid, yet they are busting people for aquiring and possession: Was curious if anybody has had trouble with LAW over b<.

I'm glad to be home again! Its going to take a while to get acclimatised to it though.

I was a bluelighter a few years ago, i think it was maybe 2002 or 2003.i cant rember my old username, it may have been 'lenin' but not sure.(My brain cells have taken quite a bashing since then.)However, i was a bluelighter who left in good standing, thats 4 sure.i think my not returning to bl then correlates closely to either getting our internet connexion cut &/or i was hospitalised. I dont think i was a lounge user last time i was round & i think i will avoid it for now."leila" seems to enjoy it though but i cant see the point in a lot of the bitching on it.each to their own but i dont want to be known just as "leila's partner" lol.

i can remember gaining a hell of a lotta knowledge about the substances i was taking, how to limit potential harmful practises & learning a great deal from my bl peers.

Its not an exageration to say that the very fact I am still alive & writing this is very much a testimony to what i learned when i was here before .I was flying so close to the edge in a very very reckless fashion & consuming industrial quantities of substances i really didnt understand enough about.

Got training done.
1 hour free weights & 15 mins spin cycle.
made up for 3 days of non-training...lol.

Introduction to pod tea has been good - long may it last.

reading old posts, the c-22 controversy is coming back to me.memory must be improving.

Enjoying this experience on bl but will try to avoid controversy - i dont want there to ever be a time when i let a website condition me.

I have always felt that I have been the only one who is going through my current situations. What I fail to realize is that many have gone through what I have, and millions of others to a more severe degree than what I have. Nevertheless the way I feel about what I am going through no one can copy, imitate, or "shrug off" as many do with the common phrase "get over it". I am one of the biggest failures in that sense, for I remember many times saying the exact same thing to others, some even close friends.

I feel I am constantly paying for crimes committed. Now I know , I have done wrong, I was in public, I got caught, I need to pay the price. However the price always seems to get a higher interest right as I am about to pay the last payment, so I have to continue to pay. I get a DUI, I pay 230 dollars for a DUI weekly course. I pay 200 to fly down to Tampa to finish the court situations. I pay a probation officer to basically kick my ass, and then I pay my time with community service. I also pay for treatment, where the place that wants to treat me doesn't even think I need it. However, it's okay by them, since I am still paying.

Quick thoughts of suicide (which I assure anyone who is reading this have never surfaced into anything more than a single painful, micro second thought, then quickly vanished), simple thoughts of pain, many thoughts of escaping, however end result is moving forward.

I have already moved forward from so much. Constant negative banter from teachers and classmates, from sexual abuse, friends robbing me (of dignity, money, and product), parents always going back n forth from stating they love to stating they do not want me around, and as of late from bosses trying to bring me down for no apparent reason at all. The amazing thing I believe is that I am still smiling. I am still on a daily basis being that laughable, outgoing, helping individual that has not yet depleted from my personality. How? I am not sure. If I could guess, I would say music but that is just a guess...that or quick sips of wine that always leave me humble

It's funny how I also cannot escape contact with the law.....it seems every four years or less. For instance, get the DUI and drug charge down south. Month later get robbed (not by friend, a random robbing this time, which actually had me more relieved and satisfied that it was not a friend) but then had to interact with the police on that scenario. Move back to NH and you guessed it, having an outstanding warrant, for having a cup of beer on the sidewalk, in the jail for again after only two weeks being back in my home state. Officer was good to me and liked me ...only because he really had no reason to pull me over, and yes, you guessed it, that outgoing innocent personality I portray so well.

Let's take a quick moment to talk about the bills of course. Now I sell my car since hey I can't drive it anyways, so there's another two years of payments on that. The student loan to cover me out of a car crash from 2006. Rent, electricity , an overdue heating bill (which is funny because I was without heat for a month thanks to landlord ass-clown). I did just finish paying off a cash call loan but that was a burden. So what do I do to get myself out of paying $650.00 to paying $380.00? I move in with this girl who is a friend of a coworker. Things are great we get along! I get all my stuff into the home, only to find out the person who was saying he was moving out march first, DIDN'T! So for the next three weeks, on the couch, only paying half the rent, but that doesn't matter because the kid who finally did move out, didn't pay for this month's rent. So guess who gets to eat that one? That's right, me and the girl, and this girl is similar to me getting screwed over so I offer to help pay on what he owes, but still...god dammit.

The only thing that gets me through the day is knowing I am still alive. Who knows what happens when you die, and I don't want to waste a beautiful sunset, or a crisp morning overlooking the small city with mountains in the background. This is where you have to understand, I do enjoy living. My point is right now is that although the hurdles I jump are not that high, they are many, and I need to take a break from the race, but I am deciding this right after the gun-shot has commenced.

So as I state in title, no sympathy required, in fact I feel none for myself. I am finishing this with a classic smile on my face, and hoping that someone who is constantly through bullshit will reach out to have one hell of a conversation....

The dark silhouette of myself lingers always. Sometimes behind me, chasing me, sometimes accompanying me by my side. The only time I am aware of my darker self is when this shadow is in front of me. It taunts and beckons but I still walk toward it without fear.

My darkness is a coward. I step forward unafraid and it refrains from engulfing me. I step forward quickly and it maintains the same distance as before.

As I step closer and closer the darker me becomes less powerful for I see me for who I am and embrace it with a willingness to change.

I will continue walking, I will continue chasing this shadow to let it know I am unafraid. I am ME now, flawed and imperfect.

I am grateful for these imperfections for without them I would not have the courage to walk towards myself.

slept in.............
Not feeling too well
sat up late reading about history of BL

It doesn't feel that long. It's a pretty big milestone!

Went to top of the Mark for martinis last night. Then
Went with gf to junior league fundraiser at the Fairmont. Hers sister was in the fashion show. Hundreds of peopel. I think that they must spend much of their free time talking about each other. Not my thing, so I went to the Tonga Room for some mai tais... Had several of ht edrinks on th emenu.. Dinner, auction ..... everybody my age looked the same. I would meet one, then a few minutes later, I would mistake another for the one I just met. They had the same hair cut, blond hair, blue eyes, tuxes, same western european ethnicity,.... Most of them were accountants. I can no longer laugh.

GF got sick and barfed all over the place at the end of th e fashion show. On the floor, on the people in the Grand Ballroom, on the way to the toilet, on the way to the cab, in the cab, ..... She was a mess. THe cabbie had to help carry her home.

Last year at the Junior art patrons party, the crowd was the same. aside fromt he free food and drinks, it 's unbearable. The drinks and food keep me going only so long. I cry.