The full flooded emotionality hide me like a tidal wave, but you know what? Fucking ANYTHING is better than permanent kicking! The whole body aches, sore ass muscles, all came back to me, but I haven't done any more meth. I couldn't go on the NA vacation because that means taking off my whole work week. I for once want some vacation time for me. Aimee wants to go to this nice, cheap motel that Linda took her for her birthday, just the two of us to kick back and party. Sounds like the best damn vacation, speaking of which I haven't had a vacation from work for over 2 years. One advantage of planing a vacation with a full time dope fiend is the fact she can take Mon-Fri off instead of fucking Thurs-Sunday making me lose 4 days of pay. So, it's settled. I want to plan a little time off in May because there are 5 wks and I'll still have 4 pay periods, no 5 because I won't have to take my entire fucking work week off trying to accomodate non users and normies.
I'm glad I pretty much work alone during the dead of night so I don't have to explain my emoti0ns or look strange, so I wrote last night:
3/27/09 at 2:00am
I had a wonderful time. More than anyone except a very dedicated dope fiend can know. What happened? There was life before dope, until the tender age of 17 when the soft (pot) dope started. There was beauty, joy, and fun, the kind I truly missed for 2 years. I can't believe how well Erik had me pegged, even before I did, knowing the saddness would come. He called it seratonin depletion, but I don't know. Coming down off X was no problem. Then this time 1/4 gram of meth, although it had been almost 2 1/2 years I'd seen sister Crystal.
I was/am blessed to have the love god H and painkillers preventing what I'd always dreaded as apathy from speed come down. The dopemine is leaving, but the lullaby of the blissful but wistful seratonin to take its place. The perks of the meth once again returning- the euphoria, the enthusiasm for writing full force-I've had writer's block for so long as far as poetry goes. Still, I was too nervous to attempt to write like I used too, inhibited of worries concerning my Mom monitoring my moods, fuck. I want a fucking scheduled vacation like I had in the past: 90 days clean/5 days using + 2 days to recover. That worked wonderfully for 2 and a half years. Here's an old piece inspired by Mr. Prick (shooting meth for those that don't know what I'm talking about:
6/21/02
The Spoon And The Needle
By Tanya T
All around the pile of glass
The spoon chases the needle
That’s how the crystal goes so fast
Through the kiss of the steel
Why bother with a teenager
When an 8 balls so much meaner?
$250 gone
Poof! Through the needle
Taking the spoon by the hand
On the dance floor with the needle
To music by the Cotton Band
Better than the Beatles
Up and down
Round they go
With Tina see them
Do ce do
Kick to the left
Stepping to the right
Tina wants to dance all night!
Bump and grind
With rhythm and rhyme
Shaking her booty
To her partner's behind
Spoon to the left
Twist and shake
Needle to the right
She seals her fate
Into the cleft of the spoon she goes
Dancing with water,
A top she knows
Delving into her loins
She's melting here goes!
Here comes the needle
His ass is big
He grinds her into the spoon
She digs
Next comes the cotton
A little tight ball
Horny and hot
A sweet little doll
She screams out in ecstasy
She's wetter than hell
The needle sucks her juice so well
He should serve all eternity in jail
Fast and furious
With lust and desire
The spoon and the needle
Are hot and on fire
There's no turning back
I'm ready to go
To dance with the rig
Tonight I'm his ho!
I see my forbidden lover
His energy, his presence, radiating like no other
That stance he takes
Says it all
Unrequited danger is he
He summons me
Daring me to take the bad boy on
I quietly submit
To his razor sharp kiss
Into his arms I melt
Sweet surrender, such bliss
Is the needle's sharp kiss
"Welcome home my love," he whispers
My Spike, My Steel
My Rig, My Point, My Sexy Outfit
My One True Prick,
"You waited for me!," I say
"Of course, my silly bitch
I told you before
You will once again
Be my own private whore
Not just for a week
A month or a day
I'm a jealous lover
But patient beyond all reason
I'll prove time and time and season
I don't care how long you venture astray
I'll always be with you
No matter how long you’re away
One day you'll come back
To submit once again
As my servant, my slave
Remember I'm the only One
Those sacred vows you took for fun
Will never be undone
You were my wife,
A marriage of bondage
I was your pain, your passion,
Your chain, your life
Come my sweet mistress
My slut, my bitch
Let's go on a trip
To the stars and get hitched"
"My lover, my prick,
My devil, you DICK
Come taste my blood
My passions are high
Come drink from the well of my veins,
Get drenched in the flood
Feed your perversions,
Your sinful desires
My heart is aflame
My innocence tainted
Your danger enticing
Your poison is great
Your lips tasting of venom
I love to hate
"Yes Your Corruptness
I see you haven't changed
Your flavors of deceit,
Ever so exquisite they range!
I'm back once again
My giver of pain
To revel in the stick
As my blood wets your dick
I missed you my asshole, my master
For what is a man?
But a life support system for a COCK!
My true husband you are
You're my dream, my star
Whether near or far
You're forever in my heart
No matter how long we're apart
Even though evil snake
My soul you can and will take
If given your way
Your prisoner I would stay
But unlike other men
I know where you've been
I know how you are
And what to expect
Cunning, seductive, such masculine strength
I'm awed by your charms
I have much respect,
You go to great lengths
To take me to places,
Without you I'd never go
You've a million different faces
You're my teacher, my preacher
My Judas, my savior,
My enemy, my best friend
You are my contradiction
You're a thorn in my side
You're my pain, my rose
From you I cannot hide
For now you are my love
My Romeo who shines bright light above
You're my needle and spoon
My poison I love
I'm back lover boy
Let's go for a ride
To the end of creations
My lips you will kiss
Wrap me in your bliss
You bad boy, you master of intoxication
Take me to eccentric creations
Show me your new, electric sensations
Take me to planet intoxication!"
"My mistress, my slave
My lover, my wife
Come let us repeat our sacred vows
I don't care for how long
A week, or for life
My illicit lover and mistress
With this needle I thee wed
I will keep your illusions alive
And your monkey fed
Until your veins are dry
And your soul is bled
I will protect you at all times
From life you so dread
And deliver deception
Until the day you're dead."
"I will not promise forever,
Your Deadliness," I say
"Humor me then",
He says with an evil grin
Ok what the fuck
For old times sake
I'm completely insane
A glutton for pleasure and pain
To you, I repeat my vows again
With this needle I Thee wed
I will forsake all others
To be with you instead
Until my veins are dry
And my soul is bled
From this day forward
I will take only you to bed
And love ONLY you
Until the day I'm dead.
His eyes light up then he says,
"Promise to obey me too?"
"You're pushing it my sick,
Sorry ass lover
Of blood spilling,
Corrupter of virgin veins
The day I promise to obey you
Is the day the quest
For intoxicating chemicals
Ceases to plant the seeds
Of corrupt desire in human kind
You'll have a mighty long wait
I hope you like to masturbate."
"That's what I love about you," he says.
A defiant slave,
Is a delightful slave,
Waiting to be broken."
There ends round one
Of a wicked jig
With the spoon and the needle
I have 8 more pages I wrote last night. I wish I could go on line and type. It would make me feel better, plus I have to feel inspired enough to write all this crap down. I'm going to start reprinting my old work so people understand what I'm talking about. It was a gift from Mr. Prick, writing just flowed and unless one loves writing, it's probably difficult to grasp the concept that being blocked has felt like a sort of death for me the past 2 years. I'm not saying I want to return to the difficult existence of doing nothing but chasing a high, although even that had its freedom and fun. I'm not trying to come up with an excuse to go back to using full time, but I wish I could have the writer's block removed, plus this disgusting fat. It sure as fuck would sweeten the idea of full time sobriety. So for now, there it is.
