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Long story, just curious there seems to be nothing solid, yet they are busting people for aquiring and possession: Was curious if anybody has had trouble with LAW over b<.

I'm glad to be home again! Its going to take a while to get acclimatised to it though.

I was a bluelighter a few years ago, i think it was maybe 2002 or 2003.i cant rember my old username, it may have been 'lenin' but not sure.(My brain cells have taken quite a bashing since then.)However, i was a bluelighter who left in good standing, thats 4 sure.i think my not returning to bl then correlates closely to either getting our internet connexion cut &/or i was hospitalised. I dont think i was a lounge user last time i was round & i think i will avoid it for now."leila" seems to enjoy it though but i cant see the point in a lot of the bitching on it.each to their own but i dont want to be known just as "leila's partner" lol.

i can remember gaining a hell of a lotta knowledge about the substances i was taking, how to limit potential harmful practises & learning a great deal from my bl peers.

Its not an exageration to say that the very fact I am still alive & writing this is very much a testimony to what i learned when i was here before .I was flying so close to the edge in a very very reckless fashion & consuming industrial quantities of substances i really didnt understand enough about.

Got training done.
1 hour free weights & 15 mins spin cycle.
made up for 3 days of non-training...lol.

Introduction to pod tea has been good - long may it last.

reading old posts, the c-22 controversy is coming back to me.memory must be improving.

Enjoying this experience on bl but will try to avoid controversy - i dont want there to ever be a time when i let a website condition me.

I have always felt that I have been the only one who is going through my current situations. What I fail to realize is that many have gone through what I have, and millions of others to a more severe degree than what I have. Nevertheless the way I feel about what I am going through no one can copy, imitate, or "shrug off" as many do with the common phrase "get over it". I am one of the biggest failures in that sense, for I remember many times saying the exact same thing to others, some even close friends.

I feel I am constantly paying for crimes committed. Now I know , I have done wrong, I was in public, I got caught, I need to pay the price. However the price always seems to get a higher interest right as I am about to pay the last payment, so I have to continue to pay. I get a DUI, I pay 230 dollars for a DUI weekly course. I pay 200 to fly down to Tampa to finish the court situations. I pay a probation officer to basically kick my ass, and then I pay my time with community service. I also pay for treatment, where the place that wants to treat me doesn't even think I need it. However, it's okay by them, since I am still paying.

Quick thoughts of suicide (which I assure anyone who is reading this have never surfaced into anything more than a single painful, micro second thought, then quickly vanished), simple thoughts of pain, many thoughts of escaping, however end result is moving forward.

I have already moved forward from so much. Constant negative banter from teachers and classmates, from sexual abuse, friends robbing me (of dignity, money, and product), parents always going back n forth from stating they love to stating they do not want me around, and as of late from bosses trying to bring me down for no apparent reason at all. The amazing thing I believe is that I am still smiling. I am still on a daily basis being that laughable, outgoing, helping individual that has not yet depleted from my personality. How? I am not sure. If I could guess, I would say music but that is just a guess...that or quick sips of wine that always leave me humble

It's funny how I also cannot escape contact with the law.....it seems every four years or less. For instance, get the DUI and drug charge down south. Month later get robbed (not by friend, a random robbing this time, which actually had me more relieved and satisfied that it was not a friend) but then had to interact with the police on that scenario. Move back to NH and you guessed it, having an outstanding warrant, for having a cup of beer on the sidewalk, in the jail for again after only two weeks being back in my home state. Officer was good to me and liked me ...only because he really had no reason to pull me over, and yes, you guessed it, that outgoing innocent personality I portray so well.

Let's take a quick moment to talk about the bills of course. Now I sell my car since hey I can't drive it anyways, so there's another two years of payments on that. The student loan to cover me out of a car crash from 2006. Rent, electricity , an overdue heating bill (which is funny because I was without heat for a month thanks to landlord ass-clown). I did just finish paying off a cash call loan but that was a burden. So what do I do to get myself out of paying $650.00 to paying $380.00? I move in with this girl who is a friend of a coworker. Things are great we get along! I get all my stuff into the home, only to find out the person who was saying he was moving out march first, DIDN'T! So for the next three weeks, on the couch, only paying half the rent, but that doesn't matter because the kid who finally did move out, didn't pay for this month's rent. So guess who gets to eat that one? That's right, me and the girl, and this girl is similar to me getting screwed over so I offer to help pay on what he owes, but still...god dammit.

The only thing that gets me through the day is knowing I am still alive. Who knows what happens when you die, and I don't want to waste a beautiful sunset, or a crisp morning overlooking the small city with mountains in the background. This is where you have to understand, I do enjoy living. My point is right now is that although the hurdles I jump are not that high, they are many, and I need to take a break from the race, but I am deciding this right after the gun-shot has commenced.

So as I state in title, no sympathy required, in fact I feel none for myself. I am finishing this with a classic smile on my face, and hoping that someone who is constantly through bullshit will reach out to have one hell of a conversation....

The dark silhouette of myself lingers always. Sometimes behind me, chasing me, sometimes accompanying me by my side. The only time I am aware of my darker self is when this shadow is in front of me. It taunts and beckons but I still walk toward it without fear.

My darkness is a coward. I step forward unafraid and it refrains from engulfing me. I step forward quickly and it maintains the same distance as before.

As I step closer and closer the darker me becomes less powerful for I see me for who I am and embrace it with a willingness to change.

I will continue walking, I will continue chasing this shadow to let it know I am unafraid. I am ME now, flawed and imperfect.

I am grateful for these imperfections for without them I would not have the courage to walk towards myself.

slept in.............
Not feeling too well
sat up late reading about history of BL

It doesn't feel that long. It's a pretty big milestone!

Went to top of the Mark for martinis last night. Then
Went with gf to junior league fundraiser at the Fairmont. Hers sister was in the fashion show. Hundreds of peopel. I think that they must spend much of their free time talking about each other. Not my thing, so I went to the Tonga Room for some mai tais... Had several of ht edrinks on th emenu.. Dinner, auction ..... everybody my age looked the same. I would meet one, then a few minutes later, I would mistake another for the one I just met. They had the same hair cut, blond hair, blue eyes, tuxes, same western european ethnicity,.... Most of them were accountants. I can no longer laugh.

GF got sick and barfed all over the place at the end of th e fashion show. On the floor, on the people in the Grand Ballroom, on the way to the toilet, on the way to the cab, in the cab, ..... She was a mess. THe cabbie had to help carry her home.

Last year at the Junior art patrons party, the crowd was the same. aside fromt he free food and drinks, it 's unbearable. The drinks and food keep me going only so long. I cry.

it was a small dog..it ran from the left side of the street right into my car. i think it got excited because someone was walking their dog on the other side of the road ..it sucked major ass. i stopped and the other people walking their dog helped the owner go to the vet.. apparantly the dogs heart was still beating but i doubt it could've survived getting hit by an suv, sigh. just had to vent somewhere... i feel so terible. i wasn't exactly in the most aware state of mind, and sorta feel i could've avoided the incident if i was going slower.. i just hope i could forgive myself for this incident .

I play, I pounce, I fight. More often than not, I hunger.

You may recognize me by my spots. These spots have consumed me many times and I do not fault you for your caution. Please do not fault me for hiding these spots. Its interesting how a shirt, tie and shiny shoes make me appear as a different animal to you. My spots lie underneath, perhaps the brilliance of this borrowed watch has blurred your ability to see?

I hide my spots in order to survive, in order to feed and grab the opportunities that have presented themselves to me.

I hide these spots to live again in a less selfish manner.

I do not fault you.

I am a different leopard now. A different leopard with the same spots i have always had.

Should I care or should I not?
I knew once, but I forgot.

...Sorta...

Im moving on the weekend to a house that is on a street which is named a lot like BASTARD Street, but isnt really, just a couple letters the wrong way around.

Thank God

Its a really old /queenslander but has all the mod cons and huge back yard, maybe the biggest Ive had!

Planting my own vege patch will be fun.

I hope this home is going to be full of peace and love.

The bad things in my head are increasing, and Im not feeling too great despite this news. Im taking some valium and trying to not have these emotions. Insecurity? No, not really. /just self doubt.

I finished moving my things into storage 2 days ago. Currently couch-surfing. Only have a PO box. Start post-doc in a couple of months.

I just wanted to post what I went through on the day of March 25, 2007. I got off of work being a plumber as usual . I walked into my home in which where I lived alone , and before my son got home from his mothers house on a friday I wanted to quickly get a shower and be dressed before he made it home. I walked upstairs and started my water unaware thast someone had been hidden inside of my house while i was getting ready for my shower, as I walked out of my bedroom and into the bathroom the guy snuck out without me seeing him .As I walked into the bathroom he came from around the corner and hit me from behind. I was unsure still to this day as of what he hit me with , he managed to break all of the bones on the left side of my face and it knocked me out and into a coma which lasted 3 months. As he finished attacking me he tried to hurry out of my home before anyone seen him, and just as he was leaving , my son Gage who was 8 at the time was just returning home and managed to see and remember whome it was that was leaving my house. As my son walked in to find his daddy and found me lying there knocked out and full of blood.

Even though it had to be my small son who had to find me like that , he was the reason they were called in time to bring me back to life and save me .

So i layed in Shock Trauma in a coma and after 3 weeks i was transfered to Kernan Rehabilitation Hospital for another 3 months in the coma . After finally wakeing I had to be taught again on how to walk and they helped me get some of my thoughts clear and helped me think reasonable.

There was months and months that passed bye in which I spent most of the time in therapy and trying to get myself back to normal as possible. I had many months of legal affairs and alot mnore to deal with but I just wanted to share with you all of why March 27, 2007 was the worste day of my life.

farhad keeps introducing me to new foods... most of them i find really yummy, like the shamikabobs he made for dinner tonight. with french fries. except that i ate them all while i was frying up the patties so we had to make more. however, i am having a hard time stuff finding anything i like at indian places, its all too spicy

Today is Friday, March 13th, 2009 and it is now 12:38 AM here in the Philippines.

Listening to a fantastic R and B song, by Kindred and Family Soul (misstated many times as Kindred AND the Family Soul) and their first single "House of Love." The group is actually a husband and wife (very pretty I might add) who were married in 1998 and only discovered in the summer of 2007 by Jill Scott (anothter great R and B songstress) in their hometown of Philadelphia in the US, at a Afro-American arts festival, performing.

This song is fabulous, even the words are perfect. My favourite line in the song: "Our babies will have babies of their own, and our love will live on for generations to come..." My dream, only a dream of course.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=J1WWVJ-orVU

Speaking of Jill Scott, whose songs I do not usually care for despite her great voice, she did a song by another artist she "discovered," an Afro-Englishman, Anthony David whose song "Words" is also fantastic (alot of "fantastic" yes?). India Arie is also singing on it and in the video.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYaJFSh4kME

Reading wise, I have been studying some Merkava works. "Merkava" is a Hebrew word which means "Chariot," and some might know the word since it is the name of the Israeli produced battale tanks which are shortened at times to just "Mk," etc. i have ben rereading the texts because of a current thread in "Religion" where they ask you to define your faith, and of course itt delved into Kabbalah (not by me though)

Merkava is one School of Jewish Mysticism that is collectively known today as Kabbalah, not to be confused with the New Age hokum being peddled to suckers like Madonna et al. Kabbalah is an ancient Jewish path that dates at leat to the Babylonian Exile (when our People were taken in battle to Babylonia in the 6th Century BCE/BC).

Merkava was biggest around the time of the Jewish Wars in Judea, against the Roman Occupier, in other words from about the 1st to 3rd Centuries CE/AD.

It was probably the biggest single influence on Gnostic thought and teaching, although Zoraoaster probablly guided their usual dualistic notions that served as the unifying basis or core value of the Gnostic teachings.

For many centuries scholars believed Judaisim as a whole to have been shaped by the Gnostics but the converse was actually found to be true once the Nag Hammadi texts were discovered in 1945 CE/AD in Egypt.

These texts which literally are pricelss were found in the desert in the village of Nag Hammadi by a shepard mining minerals out of the soil. digging itno the sandy soil he discovered an ancient earthenware jug. Ignorantly (of course)( he burned roughly half the materiel in his hearth to cook his meals before being convinced to try and sell the works in Cairo and the rest is history.

It is always that way. An ignorant person disocvered great treasures and ruins some or most of them but at least they were discovered, yes?

A similar story (true of course) happened at St. Catherines which is a Greek Orthadox monastery on the Sinai mountain popularly held to be the true Mt. Sinai (actual location of which is not known).

A European travelller took ill in 1844 CE/AD while on an "adventure" as people of the Victorian Era used to call their mostly wasteful sojourns to exotic locales. Taken up to the isoalted monastery for rudimentary medical care and convalescence, he was startled one day when he was finally able to walk a bit.

Making his way from room to room he found incredible texts, being burned in the hovel fireplace of a labourer for the monastery! The texrts today known collectively as the "Codex Sinaiticus," and again, pricelss in value!

They might have been first "dicosvered by an Itlian traveller in the 18th Century CE/Ad but I do not buy into THAT tale myself, given the absolute lack of respect given to the documents just 80 or 90 years later.

One of my hobbies in Israel is prospecting acrhaeologically. I have a good metal detector which can even tell me the approximate makeup of whatever metal it detects. The problem though is that I want and need some form of ground penetrating radar which can tell me if any non-metal objects are buried as well!

Texts are usually not going to have metals near them, and I love history almost more than anything.

Here Dad has told me he also greatly desires a good metal detector but I know his idea is to find gold! As I have said, in years past he has prospected in COMVAL (the newly created province of Compostela Valley just a few villages from us going south, and prime gueriilla territory.

I probablly will make him happy and buy him one but the tarrifs are going to kill me, almost as bad as importing autos here! indeed, at Customs they usually do not look twice at a light skinned foreigner but they still almost always ask, "any Electronics?" Never bring any in a box orginal or otherwise. ALWAYS tell them it is your own and has been used before.

Anyway, it will thrill him and give me something to do as well, as long as we do not start de-mining! Here almost all mines are remote detonated, not anti-personell so it is not a great danger in bush, but along roads it still is.

I took my medicines this morning, Thursday. I also got back my blood work results that I had been so anxious about and not bad nor good news. Ideally i would be one of the 16% with my Genome who have undetctable viral loads in my blood at this, the 1 month point. Alas, from my previous 110,000 I now have 10,000 and change which is a good reduction but nothing to be throwing a prty about. I will know for sure in 2 more months at the 3 month point.

I actually phoned my primary physician in the States, I will not name her out of respect for her privacy but she is with Einstein/Yeshiva University, a Jewish instituion in NYC. We had a long talk about the outcome and I will of course carry on. I still have not told Mom, Dad or Rizza the results. They have all been praying for a "non-detectable" but i have livedennough to always expect the worst without creating a self fufilling prophecy via my negative analysation and over-analysation.

Talked to Rizza in depth about our situation, but she is oblivious as always. she is not very "deep," not to sound denigrating but like most Provinical women here she is focused on making babies, family, and now of course her studying. She finishes for the year in a week, after Finals the coming week and then she heads back with Dad who is in Compostela on Cebu.

I know we will have some serious talking to do when she arrives.

I haven't had a car for awhile now.

I spent too much money on drugs and not enough on bills and when this happens, things like 2007 Nissan's that you bought with your sparkling, can't believe it's this good at 20-years-old credit score get repossessed.

So my parents drive me around because they don't trust me with their car--and they shouldn't, I realized yesterday.

As far as they are concerned, I've been clean for almost 6 months now...that's very untrue. I was clean just under 3 months, and now have been on a just over 3 month binge, cleaning up for 5 days at a time once a month so I don't drop dirty for probation.

I'm definitely still a junkie, but I thought that I was over the "pawn all my stuff and when I run out pawn other people's/stores' things" phase. I lost a lot of my own nice things this way and got arrested again.

But as I was crossing the highway on my way to rehab, in the passenger seat of my dad's car, I had this overwhelming urge to hop on the highway, pawn my ipod and go score.

Had I gone through with it, it would have been the 4th iPod I pawned.

So, I now take it as a blessing in disguise that I don't have access to any cars.