Since I am not very romantic or sexual, and have no interest in having a man (or woman) for more than one night or so, I place my loyalties on my friends. Friendship is as important to me as romantic relationships are to other people - they are the top priority in my life besides my career and spiritual paths in life.
Lately I have been realizing that some of my friends are not good people. Some of those that I am really close to step all over me, take credit for things that I've done myself, and use me only for the resources I have. A good example is this: my cat pissed on the floor upstairs, and my roommate threw her outside and wouldn't let her back in. Cat's been missing for two weeks. That is animal cruelty! And my roommate knew how much Eleanor meant to me, but he/she just doesn't care. I am angry about that. Another example: I am throwing the rave next weekend, with a little help from the rest of the StarCatchers crew. But some people in the crew has been telling everyone that Tabby is throwing it, so I feel that I'm not getting the credit I deserve. I feel resentful about that. Another roommate keeps saying that the house is "my property", the bathroom upstairs is "my property", everything is his/her property and it makes me feel like I don't even live here, like I'm just a guest.
To keep the peace in the house, and in my community, I've repressed my anger at incidents like this. Some people would say that I should just cut off the people that do things like this to me, but it's complicated - there are things that I gain from being associated with them too. Namely, a solid reputation and some local fame. I do admit that I love positive attention and seek it out. But there's something that's always true no matter what group I'm in: I never get the chance to shine. I am always in the background, the true force in making something happen, but never getting real credit for it. I am like the shadow behind someone else's sun; they use me for the support I give, but in the end it's all about them. I feel like one of those women in history who were the driving forces behind their husband's famous activities, but the husband got all the credit and reputation.
I guess what I want is to be equal to others. I don't want to outshine anyone, but I don't want to be outshined by anyone either. I want people to treat my property and companions (like my cat) with respect. I want friends who don't talk shit about other people, because people who talk shit on others will eventually turn against me - I learned that lesson with my former roommate. I want friends who admit their mistakes, who give me credit I deserve, who don't take proverbial ownership of the house we all live in, who don't tell me they love me all the time and then walk all over me.
Here's a good proverb: ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. I don't care if you say you love me, pay me compliments... that means nothing to me. I am a very critical person and I need people to PROVE their friendship to me - that means treating me with more respect than I have been treated lately. I just don't know how to assert myself, I am so scared of losing friends and opportunities through those friends, that I just can't bring myself to say anything. Even when my cat went missing, I never let on how much my respect for said roommate dropped. When someone said that Tabby was throwing the rave, I kept my mouth shut. When my roommate talks about "my property" I keep my mouth shut. I don't know what to say that won't end up in drama - I want to avoid drama at all costs.
Well the first step is moving out into my own apartment. I will have my own space, my property (to an extent, as even homeowners are subject to outside rule regarding their homes, renters are subject to even more outside rule). I can distance myself from certain friends, and maybe I will get up the courage to say how I really feel because I won't have to worry about seeing them every day and having it be awkward. But maybe I am just really, really critical, I see faults in everyone and it annoys me so much. I feel like I know how to treat people VERY well, and if I can do it everyone else should be able to as well.
Lately I have been realizing that some of my friends are not good people. Some of those that I am really close to step all over me, take credit for things that I've done myself, and use me only for the resources I have. A good example is this: my cat pissed on the floor upstairs, and my roommate threw her outside and wouldn't let her back in. Cat's been missing for two weeks. That is animal cruelty! And my roommate knew how much Eleanor meant to me, but he/she just doesn't care. I am angry about that. Another example: I am throwing the rave next weekend, with a little help from the rest of the StarCatchers crew. But some people in the crew has been telling everyone that Tabby is throwing it, so I feel that I'm not getting the credit I deserve. I feel resentful about that. Another roommate keeps saying that the house is "my property", the bathroom upstairs is "my property", everything is his/her property and it makes me feel like I don't even live here, like I'm just a guest.
To keep the peace in the house, and in my community, I've repressed my anger at incidents like this. Some people would say that I should just cut off the people that do things like this to me, but it's complicated - there are things that I gain from being associated with them too. Namely, a solid reputation and some local fame. I do admit that I love positive attention and seek it out. But there's something that's always true no matter what group I'm in: I never get the chance to shine. I am always in the background, the true force in making something happen, but never getting real credit for it. I am like the shadow behind someone else's sun; they use me for the support I give, but in the end it's all about them. I feel like one of those women in history who were the driving forces behind their husband's famous activities, but the husband got all the credit and reputation.
I guess what I want is to be equal to others. I don't want to outshine anyone, but I don't want to be outshined by anyone either. I want people to treat my property and companions (like my cat) with respect. I want friends who don't talk shit about other people, because people who talk shit on others will eventually turn against me - I learned that lesson with my former roommate. I want friends who admit their mistakes, who give me credit I deserve, who don't take proverbial ownership of the house we all live in, who don't tell me they love me all the time and then walk all over me.
Here's a good proverb: ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. I don't care if you say you love me, pay me compliments... that means nothing to me. I am a very critical person and I need people to PROVE their friendship to me - that means treating me with more respect than I have been treated lately. I just don't know how to assert myself, I am so scared of losing friends and opportunities through those friends, that I just can't bring myself to say anything. Even when my cat went missing, I never let on how much my respect for said roommate dropped. When someone said that Tabby was throwing the rave, I kept my mouth shut. When my roommate talks about "my property" I keep my mouth shut. I don't know what to say that won't end up in drama - I want to avoid drama at all costs.
Well the first step is moving out into my own apartment. I will have my own space, my property (to an extent, as even homeowners are subject to outside rule regarding their homes, renters are subject to even more outside rule). I can distance myself from certain friends, and maybe I will get up the courage to say how I really feel because I won't have to worry about seeing them every day and having it be awkward. But maybe I am just really, really critical, I see faults in everyone and it annoys me so much. I feel like I know how to treat people VERY well, and if I can do it everyone else should be able to as well.