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I've decided to move out and get my own studio apartment. No roommate drama - I just feel that i need to be alone to "actualize my reality" (as Carrie put it once), to get my life together. I need to stop doing harmful things to myself, start taking better care of myself, give myself more time for meditation and silence (and eventually, some type of enlightenment and peacefulness of mind). On the material end, I am looking forward to having more closet space to put my things and having my home be as spotlessly clean as I can have it.

The plan is to stop doing drugs on spring break, after a nice big binge. Then I can take a few days to lay in bed and feel like crap, without having so many obligations towards others. After spring break, I will be sober almost all of the time, except for the occasional hallucinogen and alcohol (as long as I drink moderately and don't turn to it as a resort to curb social anxiety.. I'm sure I can do that). In the summer I will try ibogaine - which is reported by many to be a life-changing trip that basically re-wires the brain in a positive way; it's been used to get hardcore heroin addicts sober and has a lot of success rates. I more want to use it for resolving existential issues, like my terror of death and lack of faith in the universe as a safe and loving place.

I know what I'm in for - facing demons. Maybe fighting demons. I'm not ready for it yet - that's why I've been waiting and I'm still waiting until I make better changes to my mental and emotional state beforehand.

Next term is going to be a good one. I only have one class that I"ll be studying for, and then I have an Internship with an organization that does what I want to do with my life - planting trees in the city. During that Internship, I want to train myself as a program coordinator, take on a case study project, and help plan fundraising events. I know I can be good at these things - I just need practice and someone to give me a chance. That's what this is for. Making my future happen now.

Of course, I am still planning on throwing events with my crew. In the summer we are doing more collaboration than anything, then in the fall I want to throw all-ages raves that are safe and healthy for everyone. It's a lot of stress and challenge, but this work makes me really happy in the end. I get a confidence boost from all the compliments I get from people, especially influential people in the scene who believe in our ideals and what we're doing to achieve them. It's because we are about community - not just about making money or becoming famous - we want to bring communities together and help everyone realize their potential. This is what community development is really about.

I need to get used to this blog thing. I am not someone who expresses feelings naturally, but I figure BL is a great place to express my thoughts.

I am pretty straight and naive as far as drugs are concerned. I have no past drug addictions except for some experimental usage in my teenage years. I do, however, get asked why I am here, which is why I am adding to my blog.

Almost one year today, I lost my one true love. The one guy I truly believe was my soul mate. I am trying desperately to get past this first year, but I found Bluelight about a week after he died. I was looking for oxycontin information and the nature of the addiction. I found BL and didn't leave. I found that TDS was the first place where people understood addiction, understood the lifestyle, and who I could post pics and express my dire, low feeling of complete emptiness. I found BL had the ultimate information I needed not only for the science of the medication, but the understanding of why a junkie would OD on a drug rather than spend time with someone he claimed to love.

That is why I am on BL. Also, I the Lounge and those people are not the trash of the Internet. They are some funny people who turn my sadness into laughter. Go-go Lounge!

I would like to thank BL for accepting this naive girl into the community. You guys rock!

My 19yo brother tells me the other night that he test drove an Audi A4 and is considering buying it with his signing bonus from the Guard. I was so angry I could've punched him right then and there, at the concert in front of everyone. See, this particular car is my dream car, although now an attainable dream after five years of wanting. I have plans to buy one next year after I finish grad school. He knows this. In fact, I'm confident the only reason he's even familiar with the car at all is because I've been talking about wanting one all this time.

My frustration comes from two places, the first being practical in nature and the second being entirely emotional.

1) He's being short-sighted, which is par for the course with him but it disappoints more and more as time goes on and one might expect he'd grow out of it even a little. Instead of getting a new reasonable car that will be respectable AND last him forever (an Accord, for example), he wants an older luxury car because image is far more important than rationality. He is becoming exactly what I saw coming (mentioned in my last post in fact, I believe), that stereotypical kid that gets a little money from the military and all the sudden thinks he's a high roller and can't wait to show off.

2) That's MY car. No one wants a copycat friend. And this isn't even a copycat, he's trying to get it before me! Yes, he needs a car. But don't get MY car, the car I've spent my adult life pining for but was waiting until it was a responsible decision before I bought it. The way I look at it, I've earned this luxury through hard work and patience and he hasn't earned shit.

I realize it's only a car. And I also realize I could still get it even if he buys one. But WTF?!

this is getting to be too much. i can not stand being around people 24/7 and i have no peace and quiet in my house. i keep trying to get my roommates to go and do things without me, but they don't. then when i plan to go do something by myself, one of them is always begging to come along. or when one of them is gone, the other one wants to stick around and hang out.

i am fed up with it and neither one of them seems to care. even when i go somewhere to study, one of them manages to show up where i am. ffs, i used to be able to work out alone and now one of them comes to that sometimes.

i really just want to scream at the both of them to leave me the fuck alone. even if i do that, i am sure one of them will still want something.

yes, this is about you too. you are clingy.

they are both whiny. i made plans to do what i wanted last night and neither one was amused about it yet they both tagged along. one got piss drunk and the other seemed bored when i talked to other people.

now one is off buying random computer parts and the other one is bugging me about why i want to go hiking by myself. and begging me to take him to target. its been 6 weeks and he doesn't have a job and doesn't leave the apartment unless i take him somewhere or he has an inteview.

phew, i think i feel slightly less annoyed after ranting.

yay, it's 3:13 a.m. sunday and i haven't slept since 7am monday. haven't eaten anything in that time peropd except a muffin and a slice of dried mango but i feel fuckign great.
MDPV, fuck yeah.

I'm on to you and your damn spy satellites.

(cont)

Sitting back down at his desk Gavin opened his email again and saw that somebody had sent him something while he was away getting a drink of water. It was another attachment, a jpeg, from another unrecognizable email address though completely different from the first, again with no message in the body of the email. Gavin put his mouse cursor over the 'open attachment' button but didn't click it right away. He couldn't remember the last time he had felt so nervous.

When the photo appeared on his screen Gavin saw that same sickeningly familiar, generic looking hotel comforter, that same worn out, cheap looking carpet and his wife sitting cross legged on the floor, naked, pale, looking at the camera and smiling as she held in her hand what he assumed was the same erect penis, her tongue sticking out through her teeth as she licked the head of it. An absolute feeling of disgust, of wretchedness and revulsion and detest surged through his body, seeming to be even stronger now, and he fought back the overwhelming impulses to cry or throw something or vomit or faint, feeling like he was going to jump right out of his skin and fly away out the window, up to the sky, into nothingness. Gavin was genuinely disappointed that his wife hadn't been raped, and this revolted him even more.

It took just a few more seconds for the third email to come in, from yet another mysterious sender, of his wife bent over the bed, getting it from the same guy doggystyle. And a few moments later, another one of her on her back again, her legs spread open and feet up in the air, the guy inside of her and standing on the floor at the edge of the bed. Each new photo came from a different email address, all with the same free, well known domain name. He recieved a photo of her looking at the camera, her lips pressed together as if blowing a kiss and squeezing her breasts as the guy stuck his dick between them. Another one of her on top, riding the guy, with a hand on each ass cheek, spreading them apart to reveal her asshole and looking over her shoulder, smiling. He got a picture of her licking the guy's balls, a picture of her looking up at the man while she jerked him off and another picture of her getting it missionary while she threw her head back, eyes closed, biting her bottom lip like she does when she cums.

"You filthy fucking scum sucking bitch," Gavin said out loud, each picture opened, scattered all over his desktop. He didn't feel bad about insulting her anymore.

The surge of pictures ceased as quickly as they had begun and as he sat there, dazed, exhausted, behind on his work, Gavin felt lost and frightened, unsure of what to do next and it occurred to him that his life, his entire world as he knew it was different now, that things would never be the same.

On his way home Gavin stopped at the liquor store and bought two seventy-five dollar bottles of wine, a French Bordeaux. He hadn't had a drink in years, for numerous reasons. There were single roses for sale in a vase by the register and he asked the cashier to add one to his purchase, in addition to the cheap, old fashioned corkscrew that was for sale right next to the flowers.

By the time he pulled into his driveway, Gavin had consumed most of the first bottle. He shoved the cork back into it and flung it in the back seat. When he got inside the house his wife was in the kitchen, standing over the sink, dumping a boiling pot of pasta into a strainer. She said something to him, maybe hi honey or how was your day, not bothering to turn and look at her husband. Gavin stared at her as she shook the strainer full of pasta from side to side, a continuous cloud of steam rising up into her face and after a brief moment of silence he placed the bottle of wine with the rose on the table, turned and walked upstairs, threw himself on his bed and fell asleep in his suit.

sign my farewell with the chimes of clock radios 7a.m. sun reveals a failed
cherubim dangling from the rafters like a sentimental ghost floating midway
between the curse of the sky and you this noose carries what atrophied wings
can't don't you want me disenchanted a deader shade of sorry buried from the
neck up in a slipknot dragging my feet through the dead air suspended a
fallen chair length from the ground when you found me when they finally
found me this halo fit my throat I am your contorted angel writhing at a
loss for wings swelled tongues tell of brighter eyes a severed spine of
better days like the deafened clicks of a blue lipped off the beat pendulum
I just wanted to be something more than enough of my God I don't think I'm
breathing Jesus Christ when did I stop breathing oh my God I can't hear
myself breathing this is all I know of flying my eyes set on you like stains
in memory of romance

I feel very weird. I forgot my psych appt on Thursday so have to ring on Monday and reschedule. I think I'll see him in a couple of weeks as I still have not been able to do a couple of relatively simple tasks he wanted me to do- which involve social activity with a bunch of strnagers.

I take my meds, go about my day and am generally doing okay, but am also still unable to get over massive anxiety and agoraphobia. My depression seems to be getting a bit worse too so the bump up in effexor will have to go ahead.

I doubt its effectiveness reallly. Its never had its advertised affect on anxiety to me or anyone else I know who has been on it.

Seroquel: is getting to be a joke now. Maybe its time to stop taking it as it does not really do much except on days my head just cant keep up with my thinking.

I cant sit down quietly and read a book like I used to. At all. My mind cant focus on anything for long these days.

Im a bit stressed out about finding a place to live, so maybe this is what is getting to me.

Ben is back in Sydney, I miss him heaps. But I don't feel alone or insecure at all, which is odd. I feel him near me and know we are meant to be together

xx

Somebody had sent Gavin Graham a picture, from an email address that he didn't recognize, of what appeared to be his wife lying naked on her back with her head hanging upside down off of the side of a made bed while a muscular looking black man stood over her, his erect penis shoved deep into her mouth and his face buried in her crotch. The person who had taken the picture was standing behind them when the shot was captured and he could see his wife's bright blue eyes open wide and looking directly into the camera, her long, curly auburn hair hanging down against the side of the bed, the black man's testicles hanging flopped across her nose and his bare ass sticking straight up in the air. He knew the picture was recent, as his wife had put on a considerable amount of weight over the last six months, and in the photo she is the fattest she has ever been.

Gavin went through all the usual reactions, trying to convince himself it wasn't his wife, that it was some look-a-like, that a friend was playing a joke on him and the photo was somehow a fake. Though as he stared at it more and more, looking at her eyes, her hair, her pale, chubby arms wrapped around the waist of the man, her dark red painted toenails, blurry but visible in the background, he knew without a shadow of a doubt that it was her. He began to think about the person who may have sent him this, how they obtained it, what their motive was, what benefit they might gain from him seeing this. And then he thought about his wife. Where the hell was she when this photo was taken? He didn't recognize the comforter on the bed, and it looked like a cheap generic hotel blanket if he had to guess. The picture was taken close up enough so that there wasn't anything else really visible for him to see, save for the ugly, bland looking carpet the man was standing on.

Gavin wondered how this could happen without him knowing it. Was it during the day while he was at work? His wife was a receptionist at a hospital and worked almost the same hours as him, taking the weekends off. He supposed she could easily pull off an affair without him knowing it. Though was this even an affair he was witnessing? Looking at the photo again Gavin remembered that somebody had to have taken the picture, some sort of camera man. He considered the idea that the camera was maybe positioned on a stand and captured using a timer, but it did look very professional, not as though it was taken with somebody's digital camera. He didn't know much about photography, but Gavin could tell this wasn't some amateur job. Was it some sort of porn?

He googled the email address but nothing came up. He scanned the body of the email again but there was no message at all, only the photo as an attachment file. Staring at the picture still, Gavin began to get angry. What the fuck was his wife thinking? Hadn't he been good to her over the years, and she him? Sure their sex life has been a bit latent recently but nothing he felt was unusual. After all, they've been dating each other since they were in their early twenties, a good ten plus years. It's normal to have lulls in the relationship like that. It isn't as though he didn't love her anymore. Not to mention her constant neglect for her health and good looks hadn't exactly been a turn on for him. Gavin tried hard to not make any judgements, but how hard was it for her to really put down the chocolate cake and join a fucking gym? On top of it all they had actually been talking lately about having kids. How could she let herself go before she even becomes a mother?

Gavin stared at the crack in the black guys ass and then looked at the back of his head, his face nonexistent, buried between his wife's legs, licking the only vagina he had spent the last decade of his life making love to and he thought about the irony of his wife cheating on him now that she was fat. Though maybe this wasn't the first time. How long has this been going on for? He sat at his desk through his lunch break, not even aware of the time, and repeatedly minimized the picture on his desktop so he couldn't see it and then maximized it again to it's full size, staring at it in disbelief, wishing for the whole situation to go away.

"You fucking whore," Gavin said to himself, under his breath, looking into her eyes still and then immediately felt an overwhelming sadness for thinking such a thing about his wife, the woman he's loved his entire adult life. Beginning to feel emotional, he stifled the urge to say anything else, lest somebody in the office hear him talking to himself like some sort of crazy person. Just sitting there, staring, trying to calm himself down, it didn't take long before Gavin felt certain he was going to explode. He considered taking his laptop and throwing it across the room. He wanted to flip his whole desk over and scream like a madman. He pictured his belongings, his papers, pens, telephone, wires, desk lamp scattering all over the floor and imagined everybody in the office gathering around the mess, around him as he collapsed on the floor in a fit of tears, sobbing like a schoolboy. He saw them comforting him, standing him up as he cried into their shoulders, asking him what's wrong, what happened, telling him it's going to be alright.

"It's going to be alright," Gavin said to himself, looking down at his keyboard and taking a deep breath. His eyes drifted over to the famed photo he had forgotten was even there of himself and his wife the beautiful, sunny day they were married, standing outside of the church and embracing each other, kissing, happy.

"It's going to be alright," he said again. He thought about when they were first dating, how smitten she was of him, how happy he used to feel, how much hope he had for the future. Gavin remembered how they used to go to the movies together and share a joint on the car ride there, share another one on the car ride home, then go back to his apartment and fuck until the sun came up, make breakfast together and then pass out in each other's arms and sleep through the day. He looked back and forth between the picture of his younger, slimmer, smiling wife in her wedding dress and the picture of his older, fatter wife sixty-nine-ing with some faceless black guy with more muscles on his legs than Gavin had in his entire body. He considered the idea that the photo was taken against her will, that the whole act occurred without her consent. Maybe she had been kidnapped, the camera man holding a gun in his free hand. He looked into her eyes again and tried to interpret what was going through her mind. Was it a look of desperation and fear or one of ecstasy and enjoyment?

Gavin got up from his desk to remove himself from it all, to interrupt his thought process, give himself a break from the mess and got a drink of water from the communal bubbler on the other side of the floor. He avoided eye contact with anybody in the office as he just didn't feel like talking to anyone about anything right now. He felt nauseas, emotional, slightly psychotic, and he didn't trust himself to keep it all together. Gavin had dealt with his own emotional outbursts of rage when he was younger, and as he matured had learned to get control of his anger and frustration but at the moment he was dealing with something inside of himself that he had never felt before and somewhere in his mind he was concerned for his own sanity.

I'm giving up weed for Lent. Not because I have a reason to need to or because I actually observe Lent. No, just because. Why not? The 40 days are up just before a big weekend of shows and then leaving for New Orleans the following Wed for Jazzfest so the stars seem perfectly aligned for this little endeavor. I've gone two week stretches without for various reasons, usually vacations where bringing it wasn't feasible and getting it there wasn't a priority. But beyond that, every day or at least half the days in a week for many years now. I think abstaining will be a challenge. Weed's my go to stress reducer, but this will be a good opportunity to find others. Note to self: Do not use this as an excuse to drink more. I feel like shit when I drink too much and that's certainly not what I'm looking for. 36 and a half days to go!

I woke up this morning from a horrible using dream. It was VERY realistic.

I had purchased a huge bag of coke for someone and did a shot out of it. I then delivered it to him in some sort of frat house. The dude then tried injecting. He was completely fucking his arm up so his frat brother said that he could do it for him. This guy took the needle at a 90 degree angle and slowly went for the arm. I yelled 'No! What the FUCK are you doing?' I then grabbed the spike and injected the guy properly.

I'm glad it wasn't real but I still had this horrible feeling in my stomach when I woke up.

What a horrible dream.

Today is Saturday, Feb. 28th, 2009 and it is now 4:55 AM here in the Philippines.

Back to me...

So, I had taken the fragnments of a single bullet (probablly AK but of course , as often happens, I did not see the actual gun which hit me).

Out of Hadassah Hospital in Jerusalem, I was given a few days to hang out, and then put back into the mix but in-country for a month and a half because my Battalion was in the field right then, finishing the Operation I had been wounded on, neutralisation of SAM batteries and the Syrians protecting them.

Attached to what would become "Home Front," I was given the lovely task of keeping Christian Pilgrims safe as they hobknobbed amongst the Christian shrines that populate Jerusalem and the surrounding countrysside (Bethlehem after all is less than 8 kilometers from the city).

There is a catalouged mental illness known as "Jerusalem Psychosis" that I have talked about in my BL Journal I believe. Otherwise "normal" people come to Jerusalem and because of the proximity to things made central to their lives (whether consciously or otherwise) they loose it. Most recover perfectly, while others can be seen begging for alms and shouldering plywood crosses (some with rubber wheels on tyhe bottom!) for many years to come.

Interestingly, here in the Philippines they have a peculiar Christian custom of literal crucifixion! Varrious European Nations, though usually Iberian, have so called "secret socities" that have such Penitent Rites like self-flagellation, etc but actual full-on crucifixion I do believe is unique to this land.

One would imagine, given life on Mindanao that it would take part here or points south but alas, no. It takes place on Easter up north in Pampanga on Luzon. Pampangans actually have alot of customs thast others (including Filipinsos) find digusting.

Pampangans, an ethnicity with their own language, live around Subic Bay, Clark Air Force Base (or former base, now a Free Trade Zone and home to umpteenth mail order Rx outfits) and especially in Angeles City, the red light capital of SE Asia...and THAT is saying a WHOLE LOT!!!

I rarely go to Luzon, actually almost never save travelling in and out of the country. I could fly directly in and out of Cebu but i do not trust Customs and Immigration there. I am well acquainted with the process in Manila and since I usually carry (although legally prescribed ALWAYS) controlled substances I do not want any hassle , or at the very least steep bribe attempts.

In Manila, at the International Airport (Ninoy Acquino) the biggest bribe is to the ever present police who will nicely [pressure you to buy them a drink of wwater for 300 Pesos (which is enough to buy more than a cse of bottled water , although granted not at Airport prices), and then rarely unless you look lost.

Cebu though? Who can say, although I do hear tales from ex-patriates about the requisite bribe at Customs no matter what you are carrying, etc.

Anyway, regressing, Jerusalem is at least a very colourful place. Most are totally unaware that all those shrines they frequent are absolute nonsense! for example, the sector I patrolled for those 5 odd weeks was home to the Via Dolorosa (Way of Pain, in Latin and Spanish).

IF Jesus was ever curcified (let alone lived, but that is another story), he would not have walked the way of the Via. He would have marched in the diametrically opposite direction! The site for crucifixion was in that opposite direction.

Or , take the Church of the Holy Selphucre, the site believed to hold the site of Jesus' grave. It is located in what would have been central Jerusalem in that eras. Jews, of which Jesus and ALL his disciples were , do NOT bury their dead anywhere near the living. It is the most ritually unclean site, and since Jerusalem was wehere Mt. Moriah, the Temple Mount was located a grave in that location would have rendered the Mount unclean!!!

So what hapened? When Roman Emperor Constantine converted to Christianity, his mum Helena went to the Holy Land looking for relics and such. imaguine you live in a very, very poor land and some extremely rich old lady starts offering you cash to show her places. Are you going to say, "We really have no idea" or "It is right there!"?

Of course most said, "Right here" and so it went. there is a place competing for the claim to the site of the burial, and that is in a garden run by Protestant groups outside the Old City. I tend to put more stock in the Protestant site although archaeology has determined that it too is not the right place. Still, it is alot more sensible than Selphucre!

At Selphucre it is divided amongst all the old Christian groups: Catholics, Eastern Orthadox, Ethiopian Orthadox, Armenian Orthadox and so on. you would imagine that with a faith like Christianity that you would have an atmosphere of love and kindness, right? WRONG. They have fights with weapons over the right to hammer in a new nail!

A Muslim clan have the keys to the front door because since the time of the Crusaders the Christians cannot decided who does what.

So, I was working that sector. Around lunch 2 of my mates were dragging a tourist who was bewildered, because he had been caught breaking a piece of a brick off of the outside of the building as a memento. A pretty common occurrence despite the many signs warning not to, the men had rescused him from irate Armenian monks who were going to throttle him.

My mates were getting fed up with the guy because he did not seem to understand them, and they spoke little English if any so I intervened.

I got them to release the bloke and sure enough, that man ended up becoming my present father-in-law!

More on that next time...

Today is Saturday, Feb. 28th, 2009 and it is now 1:00 AM here in the Philippines.

Since I only got into ASG's latest hijinx, I will just segue directly into the latest war nonsense...

With the MILF...

On 2/23 at 130 AM in Barangay Santa Clara in Kalamansig village in Sultan Kudarat PRovince the fighting that began in October, 2008 after the killing, by Ilaga (Bisaya Para) of Datu (Chief) Makasa Mastura (Muslim chieftain) has continued with the latest blow up involving CAFGU, ILA AND Ilaga against the MILF.

That same day in Munai village in Lanao del Norte Province, the MILF's 102nd under Kumander Bravo engaged the army's 43rd infantry under Col. Uy. The 43rd has ensconced itself in its new FOB in Barangays Dalama and Matampay.

Yesterday, at daybreak in Barangays Nimao and Gavang in Datu Piang village in Maguindanao Province, Kumander Rambo (have to love those names guys!) of the combined forces of the MILF/BIAF, who themselves are now operating out of the BIAF OB at Camp Salman al Farishi in Zamboanga del Norte Province, have engaged the army in the Liguasan Marsh (hotbed for Muslim rebels). The BIAF of course is the arconym for the "Bangsamoro Islamic Armed Forces" which grew out of pro-MILF elements within the MNLF.

More than 100 homes have been burned since yesterday with the army blaming BIAF and the BIAF blaming, of course, the army. No count on deaths but it is said to be extremely high.

Of course the army now has its MG-520 gunships (copters) operating over the marsh, as always and are now movng 155 MM Howitzers to upgrade from their usual 105 MM pieces. More fun for the Refugees hiding in the Marsh.

Also, MILF/BIAF operating in Barangay Curnan in Gudod village in Zamboanga del Norte Province against the 18th Infantry, also since dawn yesterday, as well as against the 55th Infantry and 44th in Sirawi village also in that same province.

Also yesterday, in Barangay Tapikan in Shariff Aguak village in Maguindanao, the army engaged MILF elements in a drawn out firefight but again too soon for death reports.

Interestingly, the MILF has begun attacking via propaganda reports, the MNLF and especially its nominal leader Nur Minsuari. Minsuari, like the movie star Robin Padilla has attempted to garner Govt. goodwill by offering to act as a broker for the release of the 3 ICRC (Red Cross) captives being held by ASG (Abu Sayyaf) on Jolo.

After pointedly and quite cheekily addressing THAT brouhaha, the MILF now appears to have a very vested interest in the ASG operations on Jolo which is quite interesting given the fact that the MNLF has been operating in tandem with ASG down there (but not here on Mindanao), albeit the more radical die hards of the MNLF, the men who never accepted Govt. Asylum in the past offers.

The ASG faction holding the 3 ICRC workers, which include one Swiss man 38 years old, and one Italian who is 62 (and one 37 year old Filipina who is probablly already made a "wife" by an ASG soldier) is led by Kumander Akmad Jumdail alias Kumander Dr. Abu, who seems to have "bought" the 3 captives from the last faction holding them.

Of course that former faction has now just acquired 4 RPGs (brand news ones), as well as at least 11 mounted RR guns (machine guns),90 MM and 57 MM, and an assortment of rifles, etc. Seems to have been paid quite well for the 3 captives.

The military has decided to lay back for now after losing 2 Marines and 2 para men in their last attempt at "rescuing" the 3 on Jolo, and now seem to be content to have lain a loose perimeter around their encampment.

The Sri Lankan as I mentioned is being held by ASG on Basilan at the moment.

I might have mentioned it in my last entry but the Chinoy (Filipino-Chinese) trader, Wilson Tan who had been kidnapped with his 10 year old daughter Jennifer as they entered their home outside of Cotabato City last week, has been released (2 days ago) along with his daughter (thank G-D) after their family paid 6 Million Pesos- about 60,000 US- which is several lifetimes for several entire families here.

He had been held by Kummander Zaynudin who himself got started under Kumander Hadji Musa Ali who was killed in Cotabato City after being caught in a shootout with the army, in 1999.

Ali himself got started under Kumander Tahir Alonto, the ex-MNLF commander who was one of the first "MNLF Lost Commands," which is the generic term for rogue commanders from an military here (but first given currency under Col. Lademora, my friend whom I have talked about at length).

Alonto, of the famed Alonto Clan was himself killed by an army MG-520 gunship while ensconced in Liguasan Marsh in 9/2007.

In Barangay Matampay in Marawi City, which is consdered to be the birthplace of Moro Culture, actually Maranao since it is on Mindanao but I will not bore folks with the distinction, the Ilaga has been "salvaging" local Moro rebels and their close associates.

"Salvaging" is the English term used here for "extra-judicial killing."

In a shocking development, the poster-boy for the Ilaga, Norberto Manero, the man famed far and wide for the 4/11/1985 killing of Italian prest Tullio Favali in Tulunan in N. Cotabato Province, and then eating his organs along with his men has apparently joined forces with the MNLF!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What the fuck? Even I can still be amazed here!

True, Manero needs protection in a huge way from both MILF AND NPA, and the Ilaga while growing stronger are nowhere near their former strength in that part of the island, but with a Muslim army???? Well, I guess he was not too crazy over his Catholic background given his past dietary habits, right?

The men here just cannot get their heads around this and to be honest either can I.

He joined a band directly under Minsurari located in Kabacan in his home province of Cotabato N, go figure!

More soon...

Still Saturday, Feb. 28th, 2009 and it is now 1:36 AM here in the Philippines.

CONTINUATION...

NPA wise...

The NPA just released a handbill locally, which has interestingly been picked up by the local press, at least here on the island, threatening to kill a General from Mindoro (an island far to our north) who is coming down here to head a PDEA (our equivalent of the DEA in the US) to "tackle" our "drug problem," are we not so lucky?

The man, General Jovito Palparan will be working on the local task force to target 85 barangays in Davao City.

A "barangay" as I have explained is a term used to describe the second smallest municpal unit. Here you live in a "Sitio," which means "Site/Location." The Sitio is in ether a "Barangay" or "Purok" which essentially mean the same thing, sort of like a nigghbourhood. when speaking English though, Filipinos often describe a barangay as a "village" which it technically is not.

Well, I need to clarify. See, here, it is actually a village in many cases but not in the Western sense of the word. Many "villages" belong to a town or city, which are each defined according to set parameters. For example, my village of San Franz is the largest in our province, and yet we are not called a "city," or even a "town" but just "municpality." It can be confusing for new people.

When I use the word village here though, I use it to in relation to the Western usage, as denoting a town, etc.

Anyway, 85 barangays are being targetted, but only in our largest city, Davao City, one of the largest in the world actually in terms of overall square kilometers, etc.

2 of the barangays though are in very outlying areas since as I said, a city is not exactly along the parameters of a Western city, Marilog and Paquibito are home to large tracts of cannabis. The NPA is said to be involved in narco-terrorism as the phrase (a stupid one if ever there was one) goes. It is true that those 2 barangays though, are fimrly controlled by the NPA under Ka Paragos so again, go figure.

The NPA also released another handbill, this one does not seem to have been picked up by the media though. For a long time the army has accused the NPA of violating IHL (international Humanitarian Law) on the use of Land Mines.

The NPA though pointed out correctly that they almost always use (in their words "always") Remote Detonated Mines, which are as the phrase suggest, detonated under controlled conditions so that one can target purely military targets.

The NPA says those mines are not "Anti-Personel" but actually "Anti-Vehicular" (no such phrase exists mind you) . Of course RD Mines are just as Anti-Personel as any other mine, albeit totally legal under International Law.

The NPA also mentioned in that same handbill that the army has targeted Lumad (Tribal) villagers in a B'laan (a tribe) settlement with MG-520 gunships causing 300 families to become Refugees.

A 2 week long operation that began on 2/2 and ended around 2/13 when the army withdrew away from NPA positions in Barangays Banayal, Paraiso and Bituan in Tulunan village near the border of Magsaysay village in Davao del Sur Province. The 57th infantry under Lt. Col Mifredo Meligrito which is based in Barangay Bacung in Magasaysay claims to have killed 8 NPA soldiers but the NPA's Front 72 (whose territory is there) denies the claim. Army says it managed to inflitrate the NPA's main area camp also in Bacung.

Earlier in the operation, the army claimed to have captured Front 72's leader who they called Danilo Maligante but the NPA denied the man is even a guerilla let alone a Front Commander.

The army has only 8 months left to finish its 3 year old "Op.Plan Bantay Laya Part II" which President Arroyo has long promised woul exterminate the communist insurgency before 2010. Good luck ma'am.

With the longest running communist insugency, a Maoist movement in a very rural and depressed place they do not have much chance, but hey, they have managed to make incredible strides as they have here in San Franz with the last Op, although they merely pushed them back up into the mountains, andsince we are in a mountain range it is not saying much, yes?

Last Saturday, in Barangay Dagonoy in Talaing-D village in Davao del Norte Province, near here, 2 NPA died when engaged by the 60th Infantry early in the day.

Yesterday, in Barangays Puntiari, Palacapao, Minsamongan and H-Handumanan in Quezon village, an area deep in the bush of Bukidnon Province near here, the army's 29th Infantry engaged the NPA in running gun battles but no word on total death count yet with at least 8 NPA and 6 Govt. soldiers dead though, along with 800 families made Refugee.

Crime wise, they have stopped holding up busses, and now there is a rash of vehichle break-ins around Butuan.

Still have not released the bank owner in Surigao, or done anything about the gold robberies, etc but that is life in this part of the world. Noone expects the govt. to do a thing. This is why we all have many guns.

Mephedrone (first time, inexperienced), 100mg Broken Up, 2c B 10-15mg
Mephedrone Trial Run.

Set: Refreshed, great mood.
Setting: Home, walking around town, casual day off full of errands.
Compound(s): 100mg Mephedrone dosed primarily in 3 incriments, the last being maybe 60mg I think, 10mg 2cb initially to make sure it wasn't the meph.




Start:

Woke to a pleasent surprise, two small quantities of compounds, one my tried and true love, 2cb. The second, a compound buzzing around the forums I frequent with but with only a small time period synthesized existence/experimentation, the compound of the hour, (mephedrone).

11:30: Neighter compounds were labeled, nonetheless I know the taste of b quite well so I licked the tip of a knife to play guinea pig, no more than 5 mg.

12:38: Still not feeling B, perhaps slight "off" feeling, but pretty normal. A little aggravated because the woman is squawking again because apparantly she refuses to let her teach me to use WU, insists I walk a half hour there and back, and since the dumb kmart bitch didn't put the mtcn on again, after fucking up the last time, I now have to go back and yell at the woman, something of which I am of no fan of, even dead sober, and content.

Either way, awake one hour, showered, shaved, cleaned house, no food in stomach as of yet, by the time I take 10mg - 20 on a precision scale. Now the waiting game ensues.

12:58: Nothing yet, start getting impatient, take around another 25mg up the tooter. Will report back, having to run a few errands, getting saltwater tested at my favorite local aquarium and chatting it up with the hippie proprieter, hopefully in time enough to feel good and watch some live rock, but after I have to deal with this unpleasant business at the WU.


2:53 Back from a delightful (after aggravating) 2 mile walk on a beautiful almost summeresques day (global warming in NE PA? not sure, but not complaining). Got WU straightened out (an hour on the phone with 3 seperate dullards, but I digress. Venture off to [deletive's] Reef to have my water supply checked, and it so happens the proprieter W who referred to me by the other propriater M checks my water and says its best to breakdown and not use tap, before I invest further (kesey anyone? hehe) money invested, upon which I invested none so far.

Turns out he's a psychedelic head too, old hep cat as it were, and I mentioned my comparison's to the two hobbies of mushroom (edible) horticulture, to Marine Fishkeeping. To which the inevetitable Cubensis (not sparked by moi of course), conversation ensued, much to my enjoyment.

Needless to say, seems I'll be a fair regular, since I love the private atmosphere and his beauitful reef setups, live rock etc, and their (the two owner's) company. Whatever gets me out of the house in this rough time in muy relationship, is Win Win in my book.

On the methylone front, 2cb must have been 10mg because most certainly enjoyed the feeling of a slight psychedelia, visuals and mindset, and a nice little push from the mephedrone. Just snorted another 60mg. Will report back in one hour, have some laundry to do and while I wait, some BS with my tattoo artists, Laundry friends, Comic book shop owners, and I even stopped by the record store (coolest one in 100 miles, I know the owner).



3:59: MOST CERTAINLY FEEL NICE, ANOTHER 50mg dosed, then to the laundry (had to talk to landlord about a clogged toilet, clean and BS on BLUELIGHT TTYS THREAD ABOUT KIRBY and his demand for retribution. Will include pic in this blog and thread (depending on how sane I am tomorrow. Snooted, off to Lmat/comic shop/tat shop.

8:00: Down now, had a fun day of laundry comics and tattoo shop record store fun. Nice compound, although most likely only had 100mg throughout the day, will try more in the future. Had more fun with the intitial B headspace and slight visual change. Lost the B though, cleaning house tomorrow, needless to say.



Take care gaiz.

So, first blog entry. I'm just feeling rather blue today
My girlfriend is going through some personal stuff right now and it's really affecting our relationship. She's going through a crisis of faith and is feeling very homesick. She's originally from Vermont and is stuck here in Chicago due to lack of funds. Unfortunately, when she does find work out there she'll be moving for sure...and I wont be going with her . Dont get me wrong, I would never even think of asking her to stay as family is everything to her and she loves and misses her family dearly, I just dont know how we'll see each other when she goes.
This is all just happening so fast and I feel like I just cant deal with it all right now. On top of everything else I cant even do drugs until I find another job as I lost mine a few months ago thanks to the economy here. I suppose it's a good thing that I cant get fucked up but I just feel like I could use some help dealing with all this.
Anyway I just needed to vent.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, much love to you. I'm gonna make myself some tea and think this all over.

Got a big promotion at work friday. About 3 months later then I should have, but whatever. Still not sure if I'm actually going to move now that I am making more money because I think the next year is going to be very very difficult.

I'm still planning on taking the LSAT and going to law school, but this job has me going to court every work and working with legal matters. Its going to look good on my resume. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the work but it is so emotionally draining.

Day 2 (pretty much)

I'm not sure when the worst comes but im actually feeling ok between the imodium and the klonopins.I've just been sitting on the couch watch movies and im getting very board wich is making me wnats to go get a bag and i was actually thinking about when my dad goes to work (since he has my car keys) I was goin got take him car to the shit. Iono, if i do it''l be a spur of the moment, i just hope I dont.

Rolls

1. Spring Roll - pork, cabbage, and bean thread vermicelli, rolled in rice paper and fried
2. Summer Roll - shrimp, herbs, and bean thread vermicelli, rolled in rice paper and served cold
3. Lettuce Wrap - roasted red pepper, julienne carrots, and steamed cabbage, wrapped in Bibb lettuce

Skewers

1. lamb, kebab style
2. chicken, Teriyaki style
3. beef, satay style

Wings

1. Mild - for those who think chili peppers are pretty.
2. Medium - for those who think a little kick is a good thing.
3. Hot - for those that had a little, but a little didn't cut it.
4. Melt Your Face - for those willing to sign a waiver.

Sandwiches

1. The Greek - lamb kebab served with shredded lettuce, fresh roma tomatoes, and diced red onion, covered in tzatziki sauce and red wine vinegrette
2. Classic Club - three slices of white toast, ham, turkey, bacon, tomato, lettuce, mayonnaise, and mustard.
3. Tetranomicon - smoked turkey, applewood smoked bacon, lettuce, and tomato. Served with our homemade basil pesto aioli.
4. Who's Reuban? - Ham and swiss covered in our secret recipe coleslaw, and finished with sundried tomato aioli on homemade marble rye.
5. hciwdnaS TLB (backwards BLT Sandwich) - Four slices of bacon are criss-crossed to form the bread of this unique sandwich with tomato, lettuce and a slice of white bread in the middle with our homemade garlic aioli.

Dessert

1. stuffed cinnamon toast - four pieces of thick cut white toast, covered in cinnamon and sugar and filled with vanilla ice cream, topped with whipped cream and a caramel drizzle
2. another dessert

It's a start

I just want to be alone tonight
I just want to take a lil breather
Cause lately all we do is fight
and everytime it cuts me deeper.
Cause something changed you've been acting so strange
and its taking its toll on me
its safe to say that im ready to let you leave

Without you I live it up a lil more everyday.
Without you i'm seeing myself so differently
I didnt wanna believe it then
But it all worked out in the end
When i watched you walk away
Well i never thought i'd say im fine without you.

Called you up cause its been long enough
and you said that you were so much better
we have done a lot of growing up
we were never meant to be together

Cause something changed you've been acting so strange
and its taking its toll on me
its safe to say that im ready to let you leave

Without you I live it up a lil more everyday.
Without you i'm seeing myself so differently
I didnt wanna believe it then
But it all worked out in the end
When i watched you walk away
Well i never thought i'd say im fine without you.

Cause something changed you've been acting so strange
and its taking its toll on me
its safe to say that im ready to let you leave

Without you I live it up a lil more everyday.
Without you i'm seeing myself so differently
I didnt wanna believe it then
But it all worked out in the end
When i watched you walk away
Well i never thought i'd say im fine without you.

without you(x3)

I just want to be alone tonight
I just want to take a lil breather