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Today is Saturday, Feb. 28th, 2009 and it is now 4:55 AM here in the Philippines.
Back to me...
So, I had taken the fragnments of a single bullet (probablly AK but of course , as often happens, I did not see the actual gun which hit me).
Out of Hadassah Hospital in Jerusalem, I was given a few days to hang out, and then put back into the mix but in-country for a month and a half because my Battalion was in the field right then, finishing the Operation I had been wounded on, neutralisation of SAM batteries and the Syrians protecting them.
Attached to what would become "Home Front," I was given the lovely task of keeping Christian Pilgrims safe as they hobknobbed amongst the Christian shrines that populate Jerusalem and the surrounding countrysside (Bethlehem after all is less than 8 kilometers from the city).
There is a catalouged mental illness known as "Jerusalem Psychosis" that I have talked about in my BL Journal I believe. Otherwise "normal" people come to Jerusalem and because of the proximity to things made central to their lives (whether consciously or otherwise) they loose it. Most recover perfectly, while others can be seen begging for alms and shouldering plywood crosses (some with rubber wheels on tyhe bottom!) for many years to come.
Interestingly, here in the Philippines they have a peculiar Christian custom of literal crucifixion! Varrious European Nations, though usually Iberian, have so called "secret socities" that have such Penitent Rites like self-flagellation, etc but actual full-on crucifixion I do believe is unique to this land.
One would imagine, given life on Mindanao that it would take part here or points south but alas, no. It takes place on Easter up north in Pampanga on Luzon. Pampangans actually have alot of customs thast others (including Filipinsos) find digusting.
Pampangans, an ethnicity with their own language, live around Subic Bay, Clark Air Force Base (or former base, now a Free Trade Zone and home to umpteenth mail order Rx outfits) and especially in Angeles City, the red light capital of SE Asia...and THAT is saying a WHOLE LOT!!!
I rarely go to Luzon, actually almost never save travelling in and out of the country. I could fly directly in and out of Cebu but i do not trust Customs and Immigration there. I am well acquainted with the process in Manila and since I usually carry (although legally prescribed ALWAYS) controlled substances I do not want any hassle , or at the very least steep bribe attempts.
In Manila, at the International Airport (Ninoy Acquino) the biggest bribe is to the ever present police who will nicely [pressure you to buy them a drink of wwater for 300 Pesos (which is enough to buy more than a cse of bottled water , although granted not at Airport prices), and then rarely unless you look lost.
Cebu though? Who can say, although I do hear tales from ex-patriates about the requisite bribe at Customs no matter what you are carrying, etc.
Anyway, regressing, Jerusalem is at least a very colourful place. Most are totally unaware that all those shrines they frequent are absolute nonsense! for example, the sector I patrolled for those 5 odd weeks was home to the Via Dolorosa (Way of Pain, in Latin and Spanish).
IF Jesus was ever curcified (let alone lived, but that is another story), he would not have walked the way of the Via. He would have marched in the diametrically opposite direction! The site for crucifixion was in that opposite direction.
Or , take the Church of the Holy Selphucre, the site believed to hold the site of Jesus' grave. It is located in what would have been central Jerusalem in that eras. Jews, of which Jesus and ALL his disciples were , do NOT bury their dead anywhere near the living. It is the most ritually unclean site, and since Jerusalem was wehere Mt. Moriah, the Temple Mount was located a grave in that location would have rendered the Mount unclean!!!
So what hapened? When Roman Emperor Constantine converted to Christianity, his mum Helena went to the Holy Land looking for relics and such. imaguine you live in a very, very poor land and some extremely rich old lady starts offering you cash to show her places. Are you going to say, "We really have no idea" or "It is right there!"?
Of course most said, "Right here" and so it went. there is a place competing for the claim to the site of the burial, and that is in a garden run by Protestant groups outside the Old City. I tend to put more stock in the Protestant site although archaeology has determined that it too is not the right place. Still, it is alot more sensible than Selphucre!
At Selphucre it is divided amongst all the old Christian groups: Catholics, Eastern Orthadox, Ethiopian Orthadox, Armenian Orthadox and so on. you would imagine that with a faith like Christianity that you would have an atmosphere of love and kindness, right? WRONG. They have fights with weapons over the right to hammer in a new nail!
A Muslim clan have the keys to the front door because since the time of the Crusaders the Christians cannot decided who does what.
So, I was working that sector. Around lunch 2 of my mates were dragging a tourist who was bewildered, because he had been caught breaking a piece of a brick off of the outside of the building as a memento. A pretty common occurrence despite the many signs warning not to, the men had rescused him from irate Armenian monks who were going to throttle him.
My mates were getting fed up with the guy because he did not seem to understand them, and they spoke little English if any so I intervened.
I got them to release the bloke and sure enough, that man ended up becoming my present father-in-law!
More on that next time...
Back to me...
So, I had taken the fragnments of a single bullet (probablly AK but of course , as often happens, I did not see the actual gun which hit me).
Out of Hadassah Hospital in Jerusalem, I was given a few days to hang out, and then put back into the mix but in-country for a month and a half because my Battalion was in the field right then, finishing the Operation I had been wounded on, neutralisation of SAM batteries and the Syrians protecting them.
Attached to what would become "Home Front," I was given the lovely task of keeping Christian Pilgrims safe as they hobknobbed amongst the Christian shrines that populate Jerusalem and the surrounding countrysside (Bethlehem after all is less than 8 kilometers from the city).
There is a catalouged mental illness known as "Jerusalem Psychosis" that I have talked about in my BL Journal I believe. Otherwise "normal" people come to Jerusalem and because of the proximity to things made central to their lives (whether consciously or otherwise) they loose it. Most recover perfectly, while others can be seen begging for alms and shouldering plywood crosses (some with rubber wheels on tyhe bottom!) for many years to come.
Interestingly, here in the Philippines they have a peculiar Christian custom of literal crucifixion! Varrious European Nations, though usually Iberian, have so called "secret socities" that have such Penitent Rites like self-flagellation, etc but actual full-on crucifixion I do believe is unique to this land.
One would imagine, given life on Mindanao that it would take part here or points south but alas, no. It takes place on Easter up north in Pampanga on Luzon. Pampangans actually have alot of customs thast others (including Filipinsos) find digusting.
Pampangans, an ethnicity with their own language, live around Subic Bay, Clark Air Force Base (or former base, now a Free Trade Zone and home to umpteenth mail order Rx outfits) and especially in Angeles City, the red light capital of SE Asia...and THAT is saying a WHOLE LOT!!!
I rarely go to Luzon, actually almost never save travelling in and out of the country. I could fly directly in and out of Cebu but i do not trust Customs and Immigration there. I am well acquainted with the process in Manila and since I usually carry (although legally prescribed ALWAYS) controlled substances I do not want any hassle , or at the very least steep bribe attempts.
In Manila, at the International Airport (Ninoy Acquino) the biggest bribe is to the ever present police who will nicely [pressure you to buy them a drink of wwater for 300 Pesos (which is enough to buy more than a cse of bottled water , although granted not at Airport prices), and then rarely unless you look lost.
Cebu though? Who can say, although I do hear tales from ex-patriates about the requisite bribe at Customs no matter what you are carrying, etc.
Anyway, regressing, Jerusalem is at least a very colourful place. Most are totally unaware that all those shrines they frequent are absolute nonsense! for example, the sector I patrolled for those 5 odd weeks was home to the Via Dolorosa (Way of Pain, in Latin and Spanish).
IF Jesus was ever curcified (let alone lived, but that is another story), he would not have walked the way of the Via. He would have marched in the diametrically opposite direction! The site for crucifixion was in that opposite direction.
Or , take the Church of the Holy Selphucre, the site believed to hold the site of Jesus' grave. It is located in what would have been central Jerusalem in that eras. Jews, of which Jesus and ALL his disciples were , do NOT bury their dead anywhere near the living. It is the most ritually unclean site, and since Jerusalem was wehere Mt. Moriah, the Temple Mount was located a grave in that location would have rendered the Mount unclean!!!
So what hapened? When Roman Emperor Constantine converted to Christianity, his mum Helena went to the Holy Land looking for relics and such. imaguine you live in a very, very poor land and some extremely rich old lady starts offering you cash to show her places. Are you going to say, "We really have no idea" or "It is right there!"?
Of course most said, "Right here" and so it went. there is a place competing for the claim to the site of the burial, and that is in a garden run by Protestant groups outside the Old City. I tend to put more stock in the Protestant site although archaeology has determined that it too is not the right place. Still, it is alot more sensible than Selphucre!
At Selphucre it is divided amongst all the old Christian groups: Catholics, Eastern Orthadox, Ethiopian Orthadox, Armenian Orthadox and so on. you would imagine that with a faith like Christianity that you would have an atmosphere of love and kindness, right? WRONG. They have fights with weapons over the right to hammer in a new nail!
A Muslim clan have the keys to the front door because since the time of the Crusaders the Christians cannot decided who does what.
So, I was working that sector. Around lunch 2 of my mates were dragging a tourist who was bewildered, because he had been caught breaking a piece of a brick off of the outside of the building as a memento. A pretty common occurrence despite the many signs warning not to, the men had rescused him from irate Armenian monks who were going to throttle him.
My mates were getting fed up with the guy because he did not seem to understand them, and they spoke little English if any so I intervened.
I got them to release the bloke and sure enough, that man ended up becoming my present father-in-law!
More on that next time...
Today is Saturday, Feb. 28th, 2009 and it is now 1:00 AM here in the Philippines.
Since I only got into ASG's latest hijinx, I will just segue directly into the latest war nonsense...
With the MILF...
On 2/23 at 130 AM in Barangay Santa Clara in Kalamansig village in Sultan Kudarat PRovince the fighting that began in October, 2008 after the killing, by Ilaga (Bisaya Para) of Datu (Chief) Makasa Mastura (Muslim chieftain) has continued with the latest blow up involving CAFGU, ILA AND Ilaga against the MILF.
That same day in Munai village in Lanao del Norte Province, the MILF's 102nd under Kumander Bravo engaged the army's 43rd infantry under Col. Uy. The 43rd has ensconced itself in its new FOB in Barangays Dalama and Matampay.
Yesterday, at daybreak in Barangays Nimao and Gavang in Datu Piang village in Maguindanao Province, Kumander Rambo (have to love those names guys!) of the combined forces of the MILF/BIAF, who themselves are now operating out of the BIAF OB at Camp Salman al Farishi in Zamboanga del Norte Province, have engaged the army in the Liguasan Marsh (hotbed for Muslim rebels). The BIAF of course is the arconym for the "Bangsamoro Islamic Armed Forces" which grew out of pro-MILF elements within the MNLF.
More than 100 homes have been burned since yesterday with the army blaming BIAF and the BIAF blaming, of course, the army. No count on deaths but it is said to be extremely high.
Of course the army now has its MG-520 gunships (copters) operating over the marsh, as always and are now movng 155 MM Howitzers to upgrade from their usual 105 MM pieces. More fun for the Refugees hiding in the Marsh.
Also, MILF/BIAF operating in Barangay Curnan in Gudod village in Zamboanga del Norte Province against the 18th Infantry, also since dawn yesterday, as well as against the 55th Infantry and 44th in Sirawi village also in that same province.
Also yesterday, in Barangay Tapikan in Shariff Aguak village in Maguindanao, the army engaged MILF elements in a drawn out firefight but again too soon for death reports.
Interestingly, the MILF has begun attacking via propaganda reports, the MNLF and especially its nominal leader Nur Minsuari. Minsuari, like the movie star Robin Padilla has attempted to garner Govt. goodwill by offering to act as a broker for the release of the 3 ICRC (Red Cross) captives being held by ASG (Abu Sayyaf) on Jolo.
After pointedly and quite cheekily addressing THAT brouhaha, the MILF now appears to have a very vested interest in the ASG operations on Jolo which is quite interesting given the fact that the MNLF has been operating in tandem with ASG down there (but not here on Mindanao), albeit the more radical die hards of the MNLF, the men who never accepted Govt. Asylum in the past offers.
The ASG faction holding the 3 ICRC workers, which include one Swiss man 38 years old, and one Italian who is 62 (and one 37 year old Filipina who is probablly already made a "wife" by an ASG soldier) is led by Kumander Akmad Jumdail alias Kumander Dr. Abu, who seems to have "bought" the 3 captives from the last faction holding them.
Of course that former faction has now just acquired 4 RPGs (brand news ones), as well as at least 11 mounted RR guns (machine guns),90 MM and 57 MM, and an assortment of rifles, etc. Seems to have been paid quite well for the 3 captives.
The military has decided to lay back for now after losing 2 Marines and 2 para men in their last attempt at "rescuing" the 3 on Jolo, and now seem to be content to have lain a loose perimeter around their encampment.
The Sri Lankan as I mentioned is being held by ASG on Basilan at the moment.
I might have mentioned it in my last entry but the Chinoy (Filipino-Chinese) trader, Wilson Tan who had been kidnapped with his 10 year old daughter Jennifer as they entered their home outside of Cotabato City last week, has been released (2 days ago) along with his daughter (thank G-D) after their family paid 6 Million Pesos- about 60,000 US- which is several lifetimes for several entire families here.
He had been held by Kummander Zaynudin who himself got started under Kumander Hadji Musa Ali who was killed in Cotabato City after being caught in a shootout with the army, in 1999.
Ali himself got started under Kumander Tahir Alonto, the ex-MNLF commander who was one of the first "MNLF Lost Commands," which is the generic term for rogue commanders from an military here (but first given currency under Col. Lademora, my friend whom I have talked about at length).
Alonto, of the famed Alonto Clan was himself killed by an army MG-520 gunship while ensconced in Liguasan Marsh in 9/2007.
In Barangay Matampay in Marawi City, which is consdered to be the birthplace of Moro Culture, actually Maranao since it is on Mindanao but I will not bore folks with the distinction, the Ilaga has been "salvaging" local Moro rebels and their close associates.
"Salvaging" is the English term used here for "extra-judicial killing."
In a shocking development, the poster-boy for the Ilaga, Norberto Manero, the man famed far and wide for the 4/11/1985 killing of Italian prest Tullio Favali in Tulunan in N. Cotabato Province, and then eating his organs along with his men has apparently joined forces with the MNLF!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What the fuck? Even I can still be amazed here!
True, Manero needs protection in a huge way from both MILF AND NPA, and the Ilaga while growing stronger are nowhere near their former strength in that part of the island, but with a Muslim army???? Well, I guess he was not too crazy over his Catholic background given his past dietary habits, right?
The men here just cannot get their heads around this and to be honest either can I.
He joined a band directly under Minsurari located in Kabacan in his home province of Cotabato N, go figure!
More soon...
Since I only got into ASG's latest hijinx, I will just segue directly into the latest war nonsense...
With the MILF...
On 2/23 at 130 AM in Barangay Santa Clara in Kalamansig village in Sultan Kudarat PRovince the fighting that began in October, 2008 after the killing, by Ilaga (Bisaya Para) of Datu (Chief) Makasa Mastura (Muslim chieftain) has continued with the latest blow up involving CAFGU, ILA AND Ilaga against the MILF.
That same day in Munai village in Lanao del Norte Province, the MILF's 102nd under Kumander Bravo engaged the army's 43rd infantry under Col. Uy. The 43rd has ensconced itself in its new FOB in Barangays Dalama and Matampay.
Yesterday, at daybreak in Barangays Nimao and Gavang in Datu Piang village in Maguindanao Province, Kumander Rambo (have to love those names guys!) of the combined forces of the MILF/BIAF, who themselves are now operating out of the BIAF OB at Camp Salman al Farishi in Zamboanga del Norte Province, have engaged the army in the Liguasan Marsh (hotbed for Muslim rebels). The BIAF of course is the arconym for the "Bangsamoro Islamic Armed Forces" which grew out of pro-MILF elements within the MNLF.
More than 100 homes have been burned since yesterday with the army blaming BIAF and the BIAF blaming, of course, the army. No count on deaths but it is said to be extremely high.
Of course the army now has its MG-520 gunships (copters) operating over the marsh, as always and are now movng 155 MM Howitzers to upgrade from their usual 105 MM pieces. More fun for the Refugees hiding in the Marsh.
Also, MILF/BIAF operating in Barangay Curnan in Gudod village in Zamboanga del Norte Province against the 18th Infantry, also since dawn yesterday, as well as against the 55th Infantry and 44th in Sirawi village also in that same province.
Also yesterday, in Barangay Tapikan in Shariff Aguak village in Maguindanao, the army engaged MILF elements in a drawn out firefight but again too soon for death reports.
Interestingly, the MILF has begun attacking via propaganda reports, the MNLF and especially its nominal leader Nur Minsuari. Minsuari, like the movie star Robin Padilla has attempted to garner Govt. goodwill by offering to act as a broker for the release of the 3 ICRC (Red Cross) captives being held by ASG (Abu Sayyaf) on Jolo.
After pointedly and quite cheekily addressing THAT brouhaha, the MILF now appears to have a very vested interest in the ASG operations on Jolo which is quite interesting given the fact that the MNLF has been operating in tandem with ASG down there (but not here on Mindanao), albeit the more radical die hards of the MNLF, the men who never accepted Govt. Asylum in the past offers.
The ASG faction holding the 3 ICRC workers, which include one Swiss man 38 years old, and one Italian who is 62 (and one 37 year old Filipina who is probablly already made a "wife" by an ASG soldier) is led by Kumander Akmad Jumdail alias Kumander Dr. Abu, who seems to have "bought" the 3 captives from the last faction holding them.
Of course that former faction has now just acquired 4 RPGs (brand news ones), as well as at least 11 mounted RR guns (machine guns),90 MM and 57 MM, and an assortment of rifles, etc. Seems to have been paid quite well for the 3 captives.
The military has decided to lay back for now after losing 2 Marines and 2 para men in their last attempt at "rescuing" the 3 on Jolo, and now seem to be content to have lain a loose perimeter around their encampment.
The Sri Lankan as I mentioned is being held by ASG on Basilan at the moment.
I might have mentioned it in my last entry but the Chinoy (Filipino-Chinese) trader, Wilson Tan who had been kidnapped with his 10 year old daughter Jennifer as they entered their home outside of Cotabato City last week, has been released (2 days ago) along with his daughter (thank G-D) after their family paid 6 Million Pesos- about 60,000 US- which is several lifetimes for several entire families here.
He had been held by Kummander Zaynudin who himself got started under Kumander Hadji Musa Ali who was killed in Cotabato City after being caught in a shootout with the army, in 1999.
Ali himself got started under Kumander Tahir Alonto, the ex-MNLF commander who was one of the first "MNLF Lost Commands," which is the generic term for rogue commanders from an military here (but first given currency under Col. Lademora, my friend whom I have talked about at length).
Alonto, of the famed Alonto Clan was himself killed by an army MG-520 gunship while ensconced in Liguasan Marsh in 9/2007.
In Barangay Matampay in Marawi City, which is consdered to be the birthplace of Moro Culture, actually Maranao since it is on Mindanao but I will not bore folks with the distinction, the Ilaga has been "salvaging" local Moro rebels and their close associates.
"Salvaging" is the English term used here for "extra-judicial killing."
In a shocking development, the poster-boy for the Ilaga, Norberto Manero, the man famed far and wide for the 4/11/1985 killing of Italian prest Tullio Favali in Tulunan in N. Cotabato Province, and then eating his organs along with his men has apparently joined forces with the MNLF!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What the fuck? Even I can still be amazed here!
True, Manero needs protection in a huge way from both MILF AND NPA, and the Ilaga while growing stronger are nowhere near their former strength in that part of the island, but with a Muslim army???? Well, I guess he was not too crazy over his Catholic background given his past dietary habits, right?
The men here just cannot get their heads around this and to be honest either can I.
He joined a band directly under Minsurari located in Kabacan in his home province of Cotabato N, go figure!
More soon...
Still Saturday, Feb. 28th, 2009 and it is now 1:36 AM here in the Philippines.
CONTINUATION...
NPA wise...
The NPA just released a handbill locally, which has interestingly been picked up by the local press, at least here on the island, threatening to kill a General from Mindoro (an island far to our north) who is coming down here to head a PDEA (our equivalent of the DEA in the US) to "tackle" our "drug problem," are we not so lucky?
The man, General Jovito Palparan will be working on the local task force to target 85 barangays in Davao City.
A "barangay" as I have explained is a term used to describe the second smallest municpal unit. Here you live in a "Sitio," which means "Site/Location." The Sitio is in ether a "Barangay" or "Purok" which essentially mean the same thing, sort of like a nigghbourhood. when speaking English though, Filipinos often describe a barangay as a "village" which it technically is not.
Well, I need to clarify. See, here, it is actually a village in many cases but not in the Western sense of the word. Many "villages" belong to a town or city, which are each defined according to set parameters. For example, my village of San Franz is the largest in our province, and yet we are not called a "city," or even a "town" but just "municpality." It can be confusing for new people.
When I use the word village here though, I use it to in relation to the Western usage, as denoting a town, etc.
Anyway, 85 barangays are being targetted, but only in our largest city, Davao City, one of the largest in the world actually in terms of overall square kilometers, etc.
2 of the barangays though are in very outlying areas since as I said, a city is not exactly along the parameters of a Western city, Marilog and Paquibito are home to large tracts of cannabis. The NPA is said to be involved in narco-terrorism as the phrase (a stupid one if ever there was one) goes. It is true that those 2 barangays though, are fimrly controlled by the NPA under Ka Paragos so again, go figure.
The NPA also released another handbill, this one does not seem to have been picked up by the media though. For a long time the army has accused the NPA of violating IHL (international Humanitarian Law) on the use of Land Mines.
The NPA though pointed out correctly that they almost always use (in their words "always") Remote Detonated Mines, which are as the phrase suggest, detonated under controlled conditions so that one can target purely military targets.
The NPA says those mines are not "Anti-Personel" but actually "Anti-Vehicular" (no such phrase exists mind you) . Of course RD Mines are just as Anti-Personel as any other mine, albeit totally legal under International Law.
The NPA also mentioned in that same handbill that the army has targeted Lumad (Tribal) villagers in a B'laan (a tribe) settlement with MG-520 gunships causing 300 families to become Refugees.
A 2 week long operation that began on 2/2 and ended around 2/13 when the army withdrew away from NPA positions in Barangays Banayal, Paraiso and Bituan in Tulunan village near the border of Magsaysay village in Davao del Sur Province. The 57th infantry under Lt. Col Mifredo Meligrito which is based in Barangay Bacung in Magasaysay claims to have killed 8 NPA soldiers but the NPA's Front 72 (whose territory is there) denies the claim. Army says it managed to inflitrate the NPA's main area camp also in Bacung.
Earlier in the operation, the army claimed to have captured Front 72's leader who they called Danilo Maligante but the NPA denied the man is even a guerilla let alone a Front Commander.
The army has only 8 months left to finish its 3 year old "Op.Plan Bantay Laya Part II" which President Arroyo has long promised woul exterminate the communist insurgency before 2010. Good luck ma'am.
With the longest running communist insugency, a Maoist movement in a very rural and depressed place they do not have much chance, but hey, they have managed to make incredible strides as they have here in San Franz with the last Op, although they merely pushed them back up into the mountains, andsince we are in a mountain range it is not saying much, yes?
Last Saturday, in Barangay Dagonoy in Talaing-D village in Davao del Norte Province, near here, 2 NPA died when engaged by the 60th Infantry early in the day.
Yesterday, in Barangays Puntiari, Palacapao, Minsamongan and H-Handumanan in Quezon village, an area deep in the bush of Bukidnon Province near here, the army's 29th Infantry engaged the NPA in running gun battles but no word on total death count yet with at least 8 NPA and 6 Govt. soldiers dead though, along with 800 families made Refugee.
Crime wise, they have stopped holding up busses, and now there is a rash of vehichle break-ins around Butuan.
Still have not released the bank owner in Surigao, or done anything about the gold robberies, etc but that is life in this part of the world. Noone expects the govt. to do a thing. This is why we all have many guns.
CONTINUATION...
NPA wise...
The NPA just released a handbill locally, which has interestingly been picked up by the local press, at least here on the island, threatening to kill a General from Mindoro (an island far to our north) who is coming down here to head a PDEA (our equivalent of the DEA in the US) to "tackle" our "drug problem," are we not so lucky?
The man, General Jovito Palparan will be working on the local task force to target 85 barangays in Davao City.
A "barangay" as I have explained is a term used to describe the second smallest municpal unit. Here you live in a "Sitio," which means "Site/Location." The Sitio is in ether a "Barangay" or "Purok" which essentially mean the same thing, sort of like a nigghbourhood. when speaking English though, Filipinos often describe a barangay as a "village" which it technically is not.
Well, I need to clarify. See, here, it is actually a village in many cases but not in the Western sense of the word. Many "villages" belong to a town or city, which are each defined according to set parameters. For example, my village of San Franz is the largest in our province, and yet we are not called a "city," or even a "town" but just "municpality." It can be confusing for new people.
When I use the word village here though, I use it to in relation to the Western usage, as denoting a town, etc.
Anyway, 85 barangays are being targetted, but only in our largest city, Davao City, one of the largest in the world actually in terms of overall square kilometers, etc.
2 of the barangays though are in very outlying areas since as I said, a city is not exactly along the parameters of a Western city, Marilog and Paquibito are home to large tracts of cannabis. The NPA is said to be involved in narco-terrorism as the phrase (a stupid one if ever there was one) goes. It is true that those 2 barangays though, are fimrly controlled by the NPA under Ka Paragos so again, go figure.
The NPA also released another handbill, this one does not seem to have been picked up by the media though. For a long time the army has accused the NPA of violating IHL (international Humanitarian Law) on the use of Land Mines.
The NPA though pointed out correctly that they almost always use (in their words "always") Remote Detonated Mines, which are as the phrase suggest, detonated under controlled conditions so that one can target purely military targets.
The NPA says those mines are not "Anti-Personel" but actually "Anti-Vehicular" (no such phrase exists mind you) . Of course RD Mines are just as Anti-Personel as any other mine, albeit totally legal under International Law.
The NPA also mentioned in that same handbill that the army has targeted Lumad (Tribal) villagers in a B'laan (a tribe) settlement with MG-520 gunships causing 300 families to become Refugees.
A 2 week long operation that began on 2/2 and ended around 2/13 when the army withdrew away from NPA positions in Barangays Banayal, Paraiso and Bituan in Tulunan village near the border of Magsaysay village in Davao del Sur Province. The 57th infantry under Lt. Col Mifredo Meligrito which is based in Barangay Bacung in Magasaysay claims to have killed 8 NPA soldiers but the NPA's Front 72 (whose territory is there) denies the claim. Army says it managed to inflitrate the NPA's main area camp also in Bacung.
Earlier in the operation, the army claimed to have captured Front 72's leader who they called Danilo Maligante but the NPA denied the man is even a guerilla let alone a Front Commander.
The army has only 8 months left to finish its 3 year old "Op.Plan Bantay Laya Part II" which President Arroyo has long promised woul exterminate the communist insurgency before 2010. Good luck ma'am.
With the longest running communist insugency, a Maoist movement in a very rural and depressed place they do not have much chance, but hey, they have managed to make incredible strides as they have here in San Franz with the last Op, although they merely pushed them back up into the mountains, andsince we are in a mountain range it is not saying much, yes?
Last Saturday, in Barangay Dagonoy in Talaing-D village in Davao del Norte Province, near here, 2 NPA died when engaged by the 60th Infantry early in the day.
Yesterday, in Barangays Puntiari, Palacapao, Minsamongan and H-Handumanan in Quezon village, an area deep in the bush of Bukidnon Province near here, the army's 29th Infantry engaged the NPA in running gun battles but no word on total death count yet with at least 8 NPA and 6 Govt. soldiers dead though, along with 800 families made Refugee.
Crime wise, they have stopped holding up busses, and now there is a rash of vehichle break-ins around Butuan.
Still have not released the bank owner in Surigao, or done anything about the gold robberies, etc but that is life in this part of the world. Noone expects the govt. to do a thing. This is why we all have many guns.
Mephedrone (first time, inexperienced), 100mg Broken Up, 2c B 10-15mg
Mephedrone Trial Run.
Set: Refreshed, great mood.
Setting: Home, walking around town, casual day off full of errands.
Compound(s): 100mg Mephedrone dosed primarily in 3 incriments, the last being maybe 60mg I think, 10mg 2cb initially to make sure it wasn't the meph.
Start:
Woke to a pleasent surprise, two small quantities of compounds, one my tried and true love, 2cb. The second, a compound buzzing around the forums I frequent with but with only a small time period synthesized existence/experimentation, the compound of the hour, (mephedrone).
11:30: Neighter compounds were labeled, nonetheless I know the taste of b quite well so I licked the tip of a knife to play guinea pig, no more than 5 mg.
12:38: Still not feeling B, perhaps slight "off" feeling, but pretty normal. A little aggravated because the woman is squawking again because apparantly she refuses to let her teach me to use WU, insists I walk a half hour there and back, and since the dumb kmart bitch didn't put the mtcn on again, after fucking up the last time, I now have to go back and yell at the woman, something of which I am of no fan of, even dead sober, and content.
Either way, awake one hour, showered, shaved, cleaned house, no food in stomach as of yet, by the time I take 10mg - 20 on a precision scale. Now the waiting game ensues.
12:58: Nothing yet, start getting impatient, take around another 25mg up the tooter. Will report back, having to run a few errands, getting saltwater tested at my favorite local aquarium and chatting it up with the hippie proprieter, hopefully in time enough to feel good and watch some live rock, but after I have to deal with this unpleasant business at the WU.
2:53 Back from a delightful (after aggravating) 2 mile walk on a beautiful almost summeresques day (global warming in NE PA? not sure, but not complaining). Got WU straightened out (an hour on the phone with 3 seperate dullards, but I digress. Venture off to [deletive's] Reef to have my water supply checked, and it so happens the proprieter W who referred to me by the other propriater M checks my water and says its best to breakdown and not use tap, before I invest further (kesey anyone? hehe) money invested, upon which I invested none so far.
Turns out he's a psychedelic head too, old hep cat as it were, and I mentioned my comparison's to the two hobbies of mushroom (edible) horticulture, to Marine Fishkeeping. To which the inevetitable Cubensis (not sparked by moi of course), conversation ensued, much to my enjoyment.
Needless to say, seems I'll be a fair regular, since I love the private atmosphere and his beauitful reef setups, live rock etc, and their (the two owner's) company. Whatever gets me out of the house in this rough time in muy relationship, is Win Win in my book.
On the methylone front, 2cb must have been 10mg because most certainly enjoyed the feeling of a slight psychedelia, visuals and mindset, and a nice little push from the mephedrone. Just snorted another 60mg. Will report back in one hour, have some laundry to do and while I wait, some BS with my tattoo artists, Laundry friends, Comic book shop owners, and I even stopped by the record store (coolest one in 100 miles, I know the owner).
3:59: MOST CERTAINLY FEEL NICE, ANOTHER 50mg dosed, then to the laundry (had to talk to landlord about a clogged toilet, clean and BS on BLUELIGHT TTYS THREAD ABOUT KIRBY and his demand for retribution. Will include pic in this blog and thread (depending on how sane I am tomorrow. Snooted, off to Lmat/comic shop/tat shop.
8:00: Down now, had a fun day of laundry comics and tattoo shop record store fun. Nice compound, although most likely only had 100mg throughout the day, will try more in the future. Had more fun with the intitial B headspace and slight visual change. Lost the B though, cleaning house tomorrow, needless to say.
Take care gaiz.
Mephedrone Trial Run.
Set: Refreshed, great mood.
Setting: Home, walking around town, casual day off full of errands.
Compound(s): 100mg Mephedrone dosed primarily in 3 incriments, the last being maybe 60mg I think, 10mg 2cb initially to make sure it wasn't the meph.
Start:
Woke to a pleasent surprise, two small quantities of compounds, one my tried and true love, 2cb. The second, a compound buzzing around the forums I frequent with but with only a small time period synthesized existence/experimentation, the compound of the hour, (mephedrone).
11:30: Neighter compounds were labeled, nonetheless I know the taste of b quite well so I licked the tip of a knife to play guinea pig, no more than 5 mg.
12:38: Still not feeling B, perhaps slight "off" feeling, but pretty normal. A little aggravated because the woman is squawking again because apparantly she refuses to let her teach me to use WU, insists I walk a half hour there and back, and since the dumb kmart bitch didn't put the mtcn on again, after fucking up the last time, I now have to go back and yell at the woman, something of which I am of no fan of, even dead sober, and content.
Either way, awake one hour, showered, shaved, cleaned house, no food in stomach as of yet, by the time I take 10mg - 20 on a precision scale. Now the waiting game ensues.
12:58: Nothing yet, start getting impatient, take around another 25mg up the tooter. Will report back, having to run a few errands, getting saltwater tested at my favorite local aquarium and chatting it up with the hippie proprieter, hopefully in time enough to feel good and watch some live rock, but after I have to deal with this unpleasant business at the WU.
2:53 Back from a delightful (after aggravating) 2 mile walk on a beautiful almost summeresques day (global warming in NE PA? not sure, but not complaining). Got WU straightened out (an hour on the phone with 3 seperate dullards, but I digress. Venture off to [deletive's] Reef to have my water supply checked, and it so happens the proprieter W who referred to me by the other propriater M checks my water and says its best to breakdown and not use tap, before I invest further (kesey anyone? hehe) money invested, upon which I invested none so far.
Turns out he's a psychedelic head too, old hep cat as it were, and I mentioned my comparison's to the two hobbies of mushroom (edible) horticulture, to Marine Fishkeeping. To which the inevetitable Cubensis (not sparked by moi of course), conversation ensued, much to my enjoyment.
Needless to say, seems I'll be a fair regular, since I love the private atmosphere and his beauitful reef setups, live rock etc, and their (the two owner's) company. Whatever gets me out of the house in this rough time in muy relationship, is Win Win in my book.
On the methylone front, 2cb must have been 10mg because most certainly enjoyed the feeling of a slight psychedelia, visuals and mindset, and a nice little push from the mephedrone. Just snorted another 60mg. Will report back in one hour, have some laundry to do and while I wait, some BS with my tattoo artists, Laundry friends, Comic book shop owners, and I even stopped by the record store (coolest one in 100 miles, I know the owner).
3:59: MOST CERTAINLY FEEL NICE, ANOTHER 50mg dosed, then to the laundry (had to talk to landlord about a clogged toilet, clean and BS on BLUELIGHT TTYS THREAD ABOUT KIRBY and his demand for retribution. Will include pic in this blog and thread (depending on how sane I am tomorrow. Snooted, off to Lmat/comic shop/tat shop.
8:00: Down now, had a fun day of laundry comics and tattoo shop record store fun. Nice compound, although most likely only had 100mg throughout the day, will try more in the future. Had more fun with the intitial B headspace and slight visual change. Lost the B though, cleaning house tomorrow, needless to say.
Take care gaiz.
So, first blog entry. I'm just feeling rather blue today 
My girlfriend is going through some personal stuff right now and it's really affecting our relationship. She's going through a crisis of faith and is feeling very homesick. She's originally from Vermont and is stuck here in Chicago due to lack of funds. Unfortunately, when she does find work out there she'll be moving for sure...and I wont be going with her. Dont get me wrong, I would never even think of asking her to stay as family is everything to her and she loves and misses her family dearly, I just dont know how we'll see each other when she goes.
This is all just happening so fast and I feel like I just cant deal with it all right now. On top of everything else I cant even do drugs until I find another job as I lost mine a few months ago thanks to the economy here. I suppose it's a good thing that I cant get fucked up but I just feel like I could use some help dealing with all this.
Anyway I just needed to vent.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, much love to you. I'm gonna make myself some tea and think this all over.
My girlfriend is going through some personal stuff right now and it's really affecting our relationship. She's going through a crisis of faith and is feeling very homesick. She's originally from Vermont and is stuck here in Chicago due to lack of funds. Unfortunately, when she does find work out there she'll be moving for sure...and I wont be going with her
. Dont get me wrong, I would never even think of asking her to stay as family is everything to her and she loves and misses her family dearly, I just dont know how we'll see each other when she goes.This is all just happening so fast and I feel like I just cant deal with it all right now. On top of everything else I cant even do drugs until I find another job as I lost mine a few months ago thanks to the economy here. I suppose it's a good thing that I cant get fucked up but I just feel like I could use some help dealing with all this.
Anyway I just needed to vent.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, much love to you. I'm gonna make myself some tea and think this all over.
Got a big promotion at work friday. About 3 months later then I should have, but whatever. Still not sure if I'm actually going to move now that I am making more money because I think the next year is going to be very very difficult.
I'm still planning on taking the LSAT and going to law school, but this job has me going to court every work and working with legal matters. Its going to look good on my resume. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the work but it is so emotionally draining.
I'm still planning on taking the LSAT and going to law school, but this job has me going to court every work and working with legal matters. Its going to look good on my resume. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the work but it is so emotionally draining.
Day 2 (pretty much)
I'm not sure when the worst comes but im actually feeling ok between the imodium and the klonopins.I've just been sitting on the couch watch movies and im getting very board wich is making me wnats to go get a bag and i was actually thinking about when my dad goes to work (since he has my car keys) I was goin got take him car to the shit. Iono, if i do it''l be a spur of the moment, i just hope I dont.
I'm not sure when the worst comes but im actually feeling ok between the imodium and the klonopins.I've just been sitting on the couch watch movies and im getting very board wich is making me wnats to go get a bag and i was actually thinking about when my dad goes to work (since he has my car keys) I was goin got take him car to the shit. Iono, if i do it''l be a spur of the moment, i just hope I dont.
Rolls
Skewers
Wings
Sandwiches
Dessert
It's a start
- Spring Roll - pork, cabbage, and bean thread vermicelli, rolled in rice paper and fried
- Summer Roll - shrimp, herbs, and bean thread vermicelli, rolled in rice paper and served cold
- Lettuce Wrap - roasted red pepper, julienne carrots, and steamed cabbage, wrapped in Bibb lettuce
Skewers
- lamb, kebab style
- chicken, Teriyaki style
- beef, satay style
Wings
- Mild - for those who think chili peppers are pretty.
- Medium - for those who think a little kick is a good thing.
- Hot - for those that had a little, but a little didn't cut it.
- Melt Your Face - for those willing to sign a waiver.
Sandwiches
- The Greek - lamb kebab served with shredded lettuce, fresh roma tomatoes, and diced red onion, covered in tzatziki sauce and red wine vinegrette
- Classic Club - three slices of white toast, ham, turkey, bacon, tomato, lettuce, mayonnaise, and mustard.
- Tetranomicon - smoked turkey, applewood smoked bacon, lettuce, and tomato. Served with our homemade basil pesto aioli.
- Who's Reuban? - Ham and swiss covered in our secret recipe coleslaw, and finished with sundried tomato aioli on homemade marble rye.
- hciwdnaS TLB (backwards BLT Sandwich) - Four slices of bacon are criss-crossed to form the bread of this unique sandwich with tomato, lettuce and a slice of white bread in the middle with our homemade garlic aioli.
Dessert
- stuffed cinnamon toast - four pieces of thick cut white toast, covered in cinnamon and sugar and filled with vanilla ice cream, topped with whipped cream and a caramel drizzle
- another dessert
It's a start
I just want to be alone tonight
I just want to take a lil breather
Cause lately all we do is fight
and everytime it cuts me deeper.
Cause something changed you've been acting so strange
and its taking its toll on me
its safe to say that im ready to let you leave
Without you I live it up a lil more everyday.
Without you i'm seeing myself so differently
I didnt wanna believe it then
But it all worked out in the end
When i watched you walk away
Well i never thought i'd say im fine without you.
Called you up cause its been long enough
and you said that you were so much better
we have done a lot of growing up
we were never meant to be together
Cause something changed you've been acting so strange
and its taking its toll on me
its safe to say that im ready to let you leave
Without you I live it up a lil more everyday.
Without you i'm seeing myself so differently
I didnt wanna believe it then
But it all worked out in the end
When i watched you walk away
Well i never thought i'd say im fine without you.
Cause something changed you've been acting so strange
and its taking its toll on me
its safe to say that im ready to let you leave
Without you I live it up a lil more everyday.
Without you i'm seeing myself so differently
I didnt wanna believe it then
But it all worked out in the end
When i watched you walk away
Well i never thought i'd say im fine without you.
without you(x3)
I just want to be alone tonight
I just want to take a lil breather
I just want to take a lil breather
Cause lately all we do is fight
and everytime it cuts me deeper.
Cause something changed you've been acting so strange
and its taking its toll on me
its safe to say that im ready to let you leave
Without you I live it up a lil more everyday.
Without you i'm seeing myself so differently
I didnt wanna believe it then
But it all worked out in the end
When i watched you walk away
Well i never thought i'd say im fine without you.
Called you up cause its been long enough
and you said that you were so much better
we have done a lot of growing up
we were never meant to be together
Cause something changed you've been acting so strange
and its taking its toll on me
its safe to say that im ready to let you leave
Without you I live it up a lil more everyday.
Without you i'm seeing myself so differently
I didnt wanna believe it then
But it all worked out in the end
When i watched you walk away
Well i never thought i'd say im fine without you.
Cause something changed you've been acting so strange
and its taking its toll on me
its safe to say that im ready to let you leave
Without you I live it up a lil more everyday.
Without you i'm seeing myself so differently
I didnt wanna believe it then
But it all worked out in the end
When i watched you walk away
Well i never thought i'd say im fine without you.
without you(x3)
I just want to be alone tonight
I just want to take a lil breather
A followup from my last post about Michael Phelps. The swimmer is finally starting to feel the consequences from his recent bong rip. According to huffingtonpost.com Phelps received a three month ban from swimming, lucky the "drug" charge was not enough to drop Phelps. But kelloggs didn't like the negative feedback and did decided not to renew another contact with the swimmer making this Febuary his last month.
Phelps continued to aplogise again by responding to the photo in an interview with the Baltimore Sun with comments like.
"This was stupid, and I know this won't happen again."
"This is a decision of mine that I'm not going to make today and I'm not going to make tomorrow."
and that he "clearly made a mistake"...
Sources:
Phelps continued to aplogise again by responding to the photo in an interview with the Baltimore Sun with comments like.
"This was stupid, and I know this won't happen again."
"This is a decision of mine that I'm not going to make today and I'm not going to make tomorrow."
and that he "clearly made a mistake"...
Sources:
Day 1
I did my last bag about an hour ago.
I gave my car keys to my dad becasue I dont know anyone who will deliever, so I cannot go anywere till I leave for class on Monday at 3pm. I am prepared with klonopins (for my anxiety and muscle spasms), imodium AD (diarrhea), some pepto bismol (upset stomach), and plenty of water and movies to watch.
I"ll be doing an update everyday on my condition, and please feel free to leave me an suggestions or helpful bits on info to make things easyier.
Anyone know how to make the cold sweats earyier?
WISH ME LUCK!!!
I did my last bag about an hour ago.
I gave my car keys to my dad becasue I dont know anyone who will deliever, so I cannot go anywere till I leave for class on Monday at 3pm. I am prepared with klonopins (for my anxiety and muscle spasms), imodium AD (diarrhea), some pepto bismol (upset stomach), and plenty of water and movies to watch.
I"ll be doing an update everyday on my condition, and please feel free to leave me an suggestions or helpful bits on info to make things easyier.
Anyone know how to make the cold sweats earyier?
WISH ME LUCK!!!
it was early morning...
the sun's warm rays were dulled by the viscious wind coming in from the east as i sat idlely waiting for the nanny's commands.
my sister who is numb to any and/or all emotions simply shrugged off the intense swaying of the heavy hanging baskets overhead as my eyes widened with caution. nothing could stop her mission to bring pretty flowers to the world...nothing.
i sat alone at the back of the greenhouse transplanting...waiting...waiting for what? i dont know...
the plants above rocked rythmically as i punctured holes in the flat surface of the potted soil and i could hear the sounds of the radio faintly coming from where my sister slaved. she came into view at the begining of the aisle yelling something inaudible but her lips said she was going inside for some crackers. the sides of the greenhouse flapped frantically against the frame, knocking the poles holding the plants further into motion and i glanced up then stared back at my sister who stood with her hands on her hips, irritated. she turned on her heels and marched for the house to relieve her bitter innards.
the wind grew stronger and the greenhouse was a peetree dish of noise. i'd be lying if i said i wasnt afraid. in the distance i heard a gust of wind hurdling towards my location and i gulped down my suspicions. when the gust hit the greenhouse i looked up at the crazed baskets then closed my eyes waiting for it to pass. at that moment...
CLANG!
the abrupt noise was followed by many a clangs caused by the pole wires snapping and the hooks of the baskets giving way to gravity. the pole fell at the end where i was sitting and the huge baskets dominoed towards my completely breakable person. without any thought i lept up and indiana jonesed it out of there while the clatter of falling weight kept close behind. i made it out just in time for the last basket to drop and catch the door from slamming shut.
peering inside i saw hundreds of dollars of work my sister and i had worked so hard to produce for nanny, but i also saw what could have been me lying underneath all the hundreds of pounds of soil and baskets that were heavy alone without the wet soil itself. and luckily i had the power of indie behind me, thank you indie....thank you.
the sun's warm rays were dulled by the viscious wind coming in from the east as i sat idlely waiting for the nanny's commands.
my sister who is numb to any and/or all emotions simply shrugged off the intense swaying of the heavy hanging baskets overhead as my eyes widened with caution. nothing could stop her mission to bring pretty flowers to the world...nothing.
i sat alone at the back of the greenhouse transplanting...waiting...waiting for what? i dont know...
the plants above rocked rythmically as i punctured holes in the flat surface of the potted soil and i could hear the sounds of the radio faintly coming from where my sister slaved. she came into view at the begining of the aisle yelling something inaudible but her lips said she was going inside for some crackers. the sides of the greenhouse flapped frantically against the frame, knocking the poles holding the plants further into motion and i glanced up then stared back at my sister who stood with her hands on her hips, irritated. she turned on her heels and marched for the house to relieve her bitter innards.
the wind grew stronger and the greenhouse was a peetree dish of noise. i'd be lying if i said i wasnt afraid. in the distance i heard a gust of wind hurdling towards my location and i gulped down my suspicions. when the gust hit the greenhouse i looked up at the crazed baskets then closed my eyes waiting for it to pass. at that moment...
CLANG!
the abrupt noise was followed by many a clangs caused by the pole wires snapping and the hooks of the baskets giving way to gravity. the pole fell at the end where i was sitting and the huge baskets dominoed towards my completely breakable person. without any thought i lept up and indiana jonesed it out of there while the clatter of falling weight kept close behind. i made it out just in time for the last basket to drop and catch the door from slamming shut.
peering inside i saw hundreds of dollars of work my sister and i had worked so hard to produce for nanny, but i also saw what could have been me lying underneath all the hundreds of pounds of soil and baskets that were heavy alone without the wet soil itself. and luckily i had the power of indie behind me, thank you indie....thank you.
Something I wrote when I was loaded years ago...
Touched By Fire
By Tanya T
Only certain beings
Solitary travelers
Choose to walk a path
Very few have been
Unknown by most
For it's so small
And it's a prickly path
Laden by dangers, by droughts so harsh,
Incredibly steep hills, loose rocks everywhere
Only those souls touched by fire
Are mad enough to walk there
The journey is long
Leading to unknown destinations
Although I don't remember
From where, and when, and why
This wandering soul I know
That crosses the path I take
A kinship I feel
We know we chose a road
Most of which we'll travel alone
Blessed and cursed are we
Souls touched by fire
Ever so mad indeed
To walk a path and endure countless falls
Being ripped, impaled, bruised, and broken
Consumed by pain
And wounds attained
Even amputations
Result from traveling at break neck speeds
And venturing over the edge
Prosthetics for the soul
On this dimension
Do not exist
Oh wandering souls
Cease and desist!
Of course we don't take heed
Souls possessed by fire
Do as they damn well please
By walking this path
There is no rest or sleep
I look at my companion
Like me he's ancient and fatigued
His heart's been ripped, bruised, broken, scorched, and burned
For rest and sleep he yearns
But most of all he seeks
Alas the most precious of all treats
Unconditional love
His lips will only ever meet in his dreams
Yet finding more places
So few dare to go
Stamina and endurance
Gifts unique and rare
Souls touched by fire need always share
To go where angels fear to tread
Pain, fear, depression, emptiness, despair
The deepest darkest valleys
Searing white hot pain
Life over the edge
Where others will not tread
They can never know
The raptures extreme, the joys, the highs
And ecstasies felt inside
Feeling so alive!
Kissing the sky
Such peace and joy
My cup runneth over
In abundance of love
Taking Saturn's ring
I pluck it from the sky
Fasten it to his neck
Reaching into the sky
I'm plucking constellations radiant and bright
And pieces of the dark black sky
Putting them in a bottle
It dangles as a charm
From his necklace
A bottle of stars
Contrasting the blackness of the sky
My gift for him
The beauty from the light that radiate from the stars
Beauty that does him justice
They reflect the energy of his essence
The love that emanates from his very soul
Made glorious by the contrast of black sky
Represents the emptiness, the pain
The suffering only known
To addict hearts that ventured the lowest of valleys
Where shadows of our souls
Kept us in the blackest of nights
Fear not the Piper my heart
For thy love is stronger than death!
Remember the deepest darkness is always before the dawn
Without which we'd never know
The magnificent beauty of the light
That burns radiantly bright
Fills my heart with joy
The necklace that he wears
Reflects the beauty of his soul so fair
"Alas my friend," I say
Although we must depart
For a while to travel our roads alone
Even while we're apart
Forever you'll be felt
Close to my heart
The shining stars reflecting your essence, my love
Can be seen and felt so true
A part of me my love
Will always be with you
All I have to do is look up in the sky
And know you're always there
The gift of unconditional love our hearts can always share
My sweet darling I love you for all time
You're a rare oasis of heaven
In a sea of parched desert land
6/10/00
drums keep pounding rhythym to the brain...la de da de dee...la de da de dy
my brain waves are simmering to a slow boil. everything has seemed to slow down and im unable to cope with the unnecessary dealings at work. how is it that people can be baffled at the solid truth of every day living? am i alone with my honesty? people think things they dont say and live with what they dont like. i just dont understand...
the beat goes on...
my brain waves are simmering to a slow boil. everything has seemed to slow down and im unable to cope with the unnecessary dealings at work. how is it that people can be baffled at the solid truth of every day living? am i alone with my honesty? people think things they dont say and live with what they dont like. i just dont understand...
the beat goes on...
That's basically it.
I will probably cry myself to sleep tonight because of perceived rejection and anger toward me by someone whose opinion I value much higher than I should, really.
He is a miserable, walking bag of depression and I worship him like an awestruck, lovesick puppy dog. He seriously has no idea the way he effects me and his tone or wording being off in the slightest make me think he hates me and wishes he could rid himself of me.
I know part of this is the detox talking as well, which also sucks and makes me want to run away and go someplace where heroin doesn't exist so I wouldn't have to even deal with it.
I will probably cry myself to sleep tonight because of perceived rejection and anger toward me by someone whose opinion I value much higher than I should, really.
He is a miserable, walking bag of depression and I worship him like an awestruck, lovesick puppy dog. He seriously has no idea the way he effects me and his tone or wording being off in the slightest make me think he hates me and wishes he could rid himself of me.
I know part of this is the detox talking as well, which also sucks and makes me want to run away and go someplace where heroin doesn't exist so I wouldn't have to even deal with it.
Its sacred.
I can not express it.
But I am so in love now I understand what it means.
I am very ready to do what it takes to have a happy life for him and me.
It makes me sad that I trusted the wrong people and it cost me the friendship of people I thought were friends. But in the end, it saved me the time spent with ppl who did not want me.
So thank you TOM.
I discovered myself. And happiness from the despair of you.
HAPPY
My family are so happy. Pepe is happy.
You were the lesson to learn, obviously. NEVER ever ignore the inner voice.
I can not express it.
But I am so in love now I understand what it means.
I am very ready to do what it takes to have a happy life for him and me.
It makes me sad that I trusted the wrong people and it cost me the friendship of people I thought were friends. But in the end, it saved me the time spent with ppl who did not want me.
So thank you TOM.
I discovered myself. And happiness from the despair of you.
HAPPY
My family are so happy. Pepe is happy.
You were the lesson to learn, obviously. NEVER ever ignore the inner voice.
Besides writing and watching DVD's last night, I read a bit from A Course in Miracles and reread a little from the NA Basic Text to try to get my mind out of all the knots it seems to be tied into. It had been a while since I read The Course, so I picked up where I left off and this paragraph spoke to me:
"Be comforted, and feel the Holy Spirit watching over you in love and perfect confidence in what He sees. He knows the Son of God, and shares his Father's certainty the universe rests in his gentle hands in safety and in peace. Let us consider now what he must learn, to share his Father's confidence in him. What is he, that the Creator of the universe should offer it to him and know it rests in safety? He looks upon himself not as his Father knows him. And yet it is impossible the confidence of God should be misplaced."
I don't know why, but it spoke to me, even though I don't believe that God is a he or a she, but a loving, formless, shapeless, energy, endless Source that moves through people, places, and things, but transcends time and space. That is my understanding of God anyway, as a never ending source that always was and always will be. So, I discard the whole Christianity overtones, but still get from it what I need. I've thought about it and somehow have come to the conclusion that it's The Source's will for me not to actually use drugs, but thinking about getting loaded, fantasizing about getting loaded, and writing about getting loaded, are not the same as doing it.
I'm working towards my 3rd years of clean time and as I stated before in previous blog entries, the first year was the honeymoon period for me, and the 2nd year plus is like now the shit in life has hit the fan and walking through this crap drug free is far from easy. After reading that paragraph from The Course, I read a couple of stories from the new NA Basic Text, one of them entitled, "One Third Step for Me, One Giant Leap for My Recovery." This particular story was about a guy that was raised in a loving, but strict Orthodox Jewish family. He wrote about how he hated feeling so different from others, eating different food, being made to dress differently from his peers, being brought up in a culture alien from his peers and how as a child long before drugs he first got out of himself through endless fantasy.
Damn how that hit home! He talked about trying to fly, asking God to let him fly, but it never happened. I did the same damn thing repeatedly as early as age 3, and used running to get out of myself and remember loving the rush I felt from running and going on the swings for hours at a time if I could. I hated being the tallest looking freak in the school with the biggest tits and everyone always teasing me asking how many grades I flunked in school. The guy in the story wrote about how he had big problems with the concept of God in NA because he saw "God" as this big white bearded man in the sky holding a score card of his life in one hand and a lightening bolt in the other, lol.
I had similar beliefs at one point too, thinking "God" was this bad ass godfather that promised heaven if you obeyed him, but knives, daggers, and eternal fire, brimestone, and damnation if you didn't. The story went on to describe how eventually after enough meditation and prayer, pretty soon the lightening bolt and the score card disappeared, so the dude came to his own understanding of what "God" is just like I have. Sometimes I get frustrated by the limitations imposed upon me by living in a body and having to deal with it's needs and cravings. In the spiritual realm this shit doesn't exist at all, so hell sign me up for that.
Life on earth in the physical realm is difficult as hell sometimes, although I know that still, life is precious and I've got to remember that it is even without drugs. For one thing, Erik had wanted to go to Hollywood and Crystal Lake, but when he was out here 4 years ago, we were raging dope fiends, I had been driving around in a hootchie mama car with a suspended license, always lookin over my shoulder paranoid of cops. I had every right to be paranoid because the day finally came when I couldn't avoid them, and inevitably got pulled over, had my car permanently impounded by the cops, then forced to spend a week in jail, and forced to sign up for a drug diversion program.
I couldn't stay clean for 10 weeks, then a warrant was put out for my arrest, hence my car getting impounded and thrown in jail, then being made to go to 9 month drug diversion program getting tested twice a week instead of 3 times in 10 weeks. It was stressful to say the least. So these days I don't have to look over my shoulder for cops, except when I'm speeding. I have current registration tags I didn't have to steal and there are no warrants out for my arrest so I can actually drive to Hollywood or anywhere else for that matter without having to drive under extreme paranoia or not at all. Reading those passages out of those books reminded me too that I'm alot more helpful to others and myself clean instead of loaded.
Since I was given the writing talent then it is God's will that I write. As far as this damn weight goes, I've asked The Source either to make me feel ok about it or help me get rid of it. I get impatient because in those 2 matters, writing and staying thin are not as simple as they used to be on meth, but on the other hand being a good employee, daughter, friend, and over all being a responsible, productive member of society are possible only because I'm drug free. So, I try to deal with the mental tug of war in my mind to the best of my ability. I don't go off like an emotional firecracker on others either anymore. I have some very painful memories of doing that to Aimee, my Mom, and Erik, but they've forgiven me and I love them to bits.
"Be comforted, and feel the Holy Spirit watching over you in love and perfect confidence in what He sees. He knows the Son of God, and shares his Father's certainty the universe rests in his gentle hands in safety and in peace. Let us consider now what he must learn, to share his Father's confidence in him. What is he, that the Creator of the universe should offer it to him and know it rests in safety? He looks upon himself not as his Father knows him. And yet it is impossible the confidence of God should be misplaced."
I don't know why, but it spoke to me, even though I don't believe that God is a he or a she, but a loving, formless, shapeless, energy, endless Source that moves through people, places, and things, but transcends time and space. That is my understanding of God anyway, as a never ending source that always was and always will be. So, I discard the whole Christianity overtones, but still get from it what I need. I've thought about it and somehow have come to the conclusion that it's The Source's will for me not to actually use drugs, but thinking about getting loaded, fantasizing about getting loaded, and writing about getting loaded, are not the same as doing it.
I'm working towards my 3rd years of clean time and as I stated before in previous blog entries, the first year was the honeymoon period for me, and the 2nd year plus is like now the shit in life has hit the fan and walking through this crap drug free is far from easy. After reading that paragraph from The Course, I read a couple of stories from the new NA Basic Text, one of them entitled, "One Third Step for Me, One Giant Leap for My Recovery." This particular story was about a guy that was raised in a loving, but strict Orthodox Jewish family. He wrote about how he hated feeling so different from others, eating different food, being made to dress differently from his peers, being brought up in a culture alien from his peers and how as a child long before drugs he first got out of himself through endless fantasy.
Damn how that hit home! He talked about trying to fly, asking God to let him fly, but it never happened. I did the same damn thing repeatedly as early as age 3, and used running to get out of myself and remember loving the rush I felt from running and going on the swings for hours at a time if I could. I hated being the tallest looking freak in the school with the biggest tits and everyone always teasing me asking how many grades I flunked in school. The guy in the story wrote about how he had big problems with the concept of God in NA because he saw "God" as this big white bearded man in the sky holding a score card of his life in one hand and a lightening bolt in the other, lol.
I had similar beliefs at one point too, thinking "God" was this bad ass godfather that promised heaven if you obeyed him, but knives, daggers, and eternal fire, brimestone, and damnation if you didn't. The story went on to describe how eventually after enough meditation and prayer, pretty soon the lightening bolt and the score card disappeared, so the dude came to his own understanding of what "God" is just like I have. Sometimes I get frustrated by the limitations imposed upon me by living in a body and having to deal with it's needs and cravings. In the spiritual realm this shit doesn't exist at all, so hell sign me up for that.
Life on earth in the physical realm is difficult as hell sometimes, although I know that still, life is precious and I've got to remember that it is even without drugs. For one thing, Erik had wanted to go to Hollywood and Crystal Lake, but when he was out here 4 years ago, we were raging dope fiends, I had been driving around in a hootchie mama car with a suspended license, always lookin over my shoulder paranoid of cops. I had every right to be paranoid because the day finally came when I couldn't avoid them, and inevitably got pulled over, had my car permanently impounded by the cops, then forced to spend a week in jail, and forced to sign up for a drug diversion program.
I couldn't stay clean for 10 weeks, then a warrant was put out for my arrest, hence my car getting impounded and thrown in jail, then being made to go to 9 month drug diversion program getting tested twice a week instead of 3 times in 10 weeks. It was stressful to say the least. So these days I don't have to look over my shoulder for cops, except when I'm speeding. I have current registration tags I didn't have to steal and there are no warrants out for my arrest so I can actually drive to Hollywood or anywhere else for that matter without having to drive under extreme paranoia or not at all. Reading those passages out of those books reminded me too that I'm alot more helpful to others and myself clean instead of loaded.
Since I was given the writing talent then it is God's will that I write. As far as this damn weight goes, I've asked The Source either to make me feel ok about it or help me get rid of it. I get impatient because in those 2 matters, writing and staying thin are not as simple as they used to be on meth, but on the other hand being a good employee, daughter, friend, and over all being a responsible, productive member of society are possible only because I'm drug free. So, I try to deal with the mental tug of war in my mind to the best of my ability. I don't go off like an emotional firecracker on others either anymore. I have some very painful memories of doing that to Aimee, my Mom, and Erik, but they've forgiven me and I love them to bits.
My mom told me that my old pdoc that I was very fond of has tragically died. This was a man who I respected, was a great doctor, and respected me and treated me like the psychology student I was and gave me the dx I really had. Finally got the answer to my questions. This saddened me. He apparently was out kayaking, it capsized and he drown. He was alone, apparently he liked to go out fishing, and had no life jacket. A man wish a Ph.D. sadly didn't use his commonsense. Even worse for his family, they can't find the body. Only 14 to 16 feet, people saw him drown and now they can't find him...
RIP Dr Zella. Thank you for the kindness and respect you showed me. Thank you for giving me a chance to be happy with the medication you chose, even if it didn't work long term. You gave me hope.
RIP Dr Zella. Thank you for the kindness and respect you showed me. Thank you for giving me a chance to be happy with the medication you chose, even if it didn't work long term. You gave me hope.
I had my psychiatrist appointment today. Its usually pretty routine. He is at the end of his residency and I'll see him one more time before I get a new guy in July. The thing that was nice about this appointment is my Doc told me he'd never heard of transactional analysis I told him about it. After I talked about it he checked out an article, then books, and he has now gone to seminars and his concluding thesis of his residency was "Transactions, Games and Scripts". He thanked me for introducing him to TA and told me I'm probably the biggest influence on how he is going to practice of any patient he's had. It was kind of nice.
The emotionally abusive ex boyfriend that dumped me in October will be home this Friday on his first leave since. I know he is going to try to manipulate me, use me, play me, keep me on his little leash. I've flatly refused.
He said the other day that he was thinking about me the other night, code for sexually. I said I didn't really care, didn't want to hear about it though. His comment was...so you don't want to hear about...know sexual fetishes and past experiences with us...
I was kinda blunt that he likely didn't want to hear about that. But, Sean tends to like to keep our private life private. He said he was talking about us, our past. I said we had our times, but the past is in the past. Also I said that I didn't think that it was appropriate for us to talk about this. Sean wouldn't appreciate it I'm sure. Thereby proving that I'm not the cheating gf that he ALWAYS thought I was and accused me of being.
I hope that I can remain strong in the face of this. I've always tried to remain friends with my exs. I have always been there when they have needed me, we were always friends from the start anyway. For Michael's sake I can forgive him, and I feel sorry for him really. That if he keeps treating women the way he did me, and never comes home, he will end up miserable and too late to fix it.
But I will prove he won't control me, he won't use me and I'm not a cheating gf. I care very much for my bf now, he treats me well. I cheat, he WILL leave I KNOW that. And there is no reason to cheat. I'm happy with Sean, happy with our sex life, happy with his emotional support.
But I fear my own desire for love and attention. I have a few things to prove to myself I suppose.
He said the other day that he was thinking about me the other night, code for sexually. I said I didn't really care, didn't want to hear about it though. His comment was...so you don't want to hear about...know sexual fetishes and past experiences with us...
I was kinda blunt that he likely didn't want to hear about that. But, Sean tends to like to keep our private life private. He said he was talking about us, our past. I said we had our times, but the past is in the past. Also I said that I didn't think that it was appropriate for us to talk about this. Sean wouldn't appreciate it I'm sure. Thereby proving that I'm not the cheating gf that he ALWAYS thought I was and accused me of being.
I hope that I can remain strong in the face of this. I've always tried to remain friends with my exs. I have always been there when they have needed me, we were always friends from the start anyway. For Michael's sake I can forgive him, and I feel sorry for him really. That if he keeps treating women the way he did me, and never comes home, he will end up miserable and too late to fix it.
But I will prove he won't control me, he won't use me and I'm not a cheating gf. I care very much for my bf now, he treats me well. I cheat, he WILL leave I KNOW that. And there is no reason to cheat. I'm happy with Sean, happy with our sex life, happy with his emotional support.
But I fear my own desire for love and attention. I have a few things to prove to myself I suppose.
OMG the creepy yellow projectiles are back! The mice men with purple fangs and dildo headed vibrators are planting cameras in my ceiling, my walls, and the siamese cats are 3 dimensional! Is it safe to take a shower? I mean without them looking or if it's too dangerous best to take my chances with unwashed lice infected crickets that might report me to the CIA? I don't know, I don't know, OMG what am I gonna do. Hey are all cream colored cameras Mexican mafia hit men or doe eyed turtle toes in pink taffeta dresses, oh shit the demonites are coming, HELLLLLLP!
Ok only joking guys! Sorry, hope I at least made someone laugh? Gotta see the humor in things or try to anyway. Peace
P.S. Yes I wrote this sober. lol
Ok only joking guys! Sorry, hope I at least made someone laugh? Gotta see the humor in things or try to anyway. Peace
P.S. Yes I wrote this sober. lol
I'm getting emotional again right now. If I had some crystal meth I'd shoot it. Sometimes I want the old days back, not the chaos, but the highs. I don't mind getting older as long as I look hot and with this weight, that certainly isn't the case anymore. I looked soo good when I was 42, only 2 years ago damn it and Weight Watchers takes fucking forever to lose weight. I did a no no. I read my boy's blog and felt sorry for him and thought about sending him some speed to help him, help myself too for that matter! As far as your weight gain goes, baby boy, it's not age thats doing it, it's the methadone, you know. As you know, I worked in 3 different methadone clinics for about 18 months and just about everyone that wasn't on crystal meth got fat. I read the insert on it, methadone has these weird side effects like twitching and it causes weird dreams and weight gain, so it's not you at all. As soon as you get off of that you'll see what I mean.
Of course you'll be tempted to go back to smack, but my friend Aimee has the right idea. She would quit smack if she got enough Rx dope to hold her, but truthfully, though I love Aimee, there will never be enough dope for Aimee because more is never enough. During the sad times I've thought about how blissful it would be to just go blast off with her, though that really wouldn't be necessary seeing as how I have my own Rx of dope if I really want it, but the fact is what I really want is speed. If I could get a hold of someone to hypnotise me, bring me back to the feeling that I had after shooting up, I would hold onto it and get my creativity back! At least I could fucking write again. I won the Song of the Year award with my story/poem The Magical Mist of Fairlyland. They offered to promote but ever since I got clean I've been fucked with this cocksucking writer's block.
I'm not happy at all. I want my beauty back. I want my talent back. I didn't get clean for this crap. Fuck. Yeah I'm frustrated. To top it off, this movie Jackie Brown came on. It reminded me of the time I worked as a extra in movies, and I was scheduled to be an extra in that movie, plus I could have met my brother Quentin Tarantino. He refused to talk to me before, or any of the Tarantino family, but the day I was to go, my car took a shit and I didn't have the money for cab fare. Mom told me it's just as well because I didn't have my ducks in a row at the time. She's right as usual, then I got to thinking about my birth father, my half siblings, my brother's bitch wife that won't let me talk to my brother or have my sister's address/phone number. Erik, at least your dad is willing to talk to you and help you. Mom told me I should sue Tony for 18 years of back child support he never paid, but I'm not that kind of person, never have been. If anyone deserves it, it is my Mom for putting up with all the aggravation.
Can't you take some valium or percocets and see your dad, it would make your visit less awkward, just don't take more than 2 pills max, or you'll regret it slurrin your words, noddin out, lol. I've done that more times than I care to remember in the past. So that's it I guess. I'm in an awkward stage where I don't fit the stoned world and my minds not in the sober one. I lost the pink cloud I fell off of after the first year of sobriety and it hurts, though I still go to 1 or 2 NA meetings a week and try to encourage newcomers. If I don't stay clean I'll blow off my responsibilities and I can go back to not giving a rat's ass about the pain Tony the phony and his brood caused me, so where to go, but God I guess.
Of course you'll be tempted to go back to smack, but my friend Aimee has the right idea. She would quit smack if she got enough Rx dope to hold her, but truthfully, though I love Aimee, there will never be enough dope for Aimee because more is never enough. During the sad times I've thought about how blissful it would be to just go blast off with her, though that really wouldn't be necessary seeing as how I have my own Rx of dope if I really want it, but the fact is what I really want is speed. If I could get a hold of someone to hypnotise me, bring me back to the feeling that I had after shooting up, I would hold onto it and get my creativity back! At least I could fucking write again. I won the Song of the Year award with my story/poem The Magical Mist of Fairlyland. They offered to promote but ever since I got clean I've been fucked with this cocksucking writer's block.
I'm not happy at all. I want my beauty back. I want my talent back. I didn't get clean for this crap. Fuck. Yeah I'm frustrated. To top it off, this movie Jackie Brown came on. It reminded me of the time I worked as a extra in movies, and I was scheduled to be an extra in that movie, plus I could have met my brother Quentin Tarantino. He refused to talk to me before, or any of the Tarantino family, but the day I was to go, my car took a shit and I didn't have the money for cab fare. Mom told me it's just as well because I didn't have my ducks in a row at the time. She's right as usual, then I got to thinking about my birth father, my half siblings, my brother's bitch wife that won't let me talk to my brother or have my sister's address/phone number. Erik, at least your dad is willing to talk to you and help you. Mom told me I should sue Tony for 18 years of back child support he never paid, but I'm not that kind of person, never have been. If anyone deserves it, it is my Mom for putting up with all the aggravation.
Can't you take some valium or percocets and see your dad, it would make your visit less awkward, just don't take more than 2 pills max, or you'll regret it slurrin your words, noddin out, lol. I've done that more times than I care to remember in the past. So that's it I guess. I'm in an awkward stage where I don't fit the stoned world and my minds not in the sober one. I lost the pink cloud I fell off of after the first year of sobriety and it hurts, though I still go to 1 or 2 NA meetings a week and try to encourage newcomers. If I don't stay clean I'll blow off my responsibilities and I can go back to not giving a rat's ass about the pain Tony the phony and his brood caused me, so where to go, but God I guess.
(Written at work about 2:00am or so...)
My true desire is to love others, not hate or be angry with them. I got to thinking about this because at work my patient's mom is extremely rude and difficult at times. I've been giving serious consideration to switching to 4 days + 1 night a week as opposed to now, which is 4 nights + 1 day.
My day patient is difficult and hard work, but his parents treat me with kindness and respect, plus if I happen to explain why something is or is not better for their son medically, they actually listen, whereas my other patient's mom, (where I am now) does the exact opposite of my nursing advice.
So finally when she got mean & rude with me another night however long ago it was, I told her that if she no longer wanted my help then I'll go home. I was pissed, so she recanted her bitchiness a bit. I want to be fair and forgiving, but at the same time I don't have to let people treat me like shit either.
This past 2 wks, my patient's mom went off to Vietnam & I've been dealing with the dad. He is totally cool, in fact my patient sleeps most of the night when he's here, but not with that bitch of a mom around. So, maybe I need to tell her what I've told my journal, but in a professional manner of course. I did tell Kelly's (my patient) dad and he said he was going to have a chat with her mom in Vietnamese because he doesn't want to lose me.
One good thing getting clean and doing recovery has helped me with is the fact I haven't had to be a sodding people pleaser, unlike during the days I was getting loaded. I actually stick up for myself without completely losing it.
All of the research I've done on spirituality has brought me to the conclusion that we're here on this earth to help others and so long as we focus on that, there is more harmony with ourselves and others. Still, the world fills our heads with such empty values such as vanity, money, racial and class prejudiced, ect & all this other stupid meaningless bullshit.
So I've been sidetracked big time along the way with drugs, vanity, and what money can buy, not that I've ever been well off financially, in fact far from it. Still, in the past I'd always have chosen drugs and poverty over being rich and sober because without dope, because all the things that money could buy would have felt devoid of pleasure if I couldn't be buzzed or high most of the time.
Ok, perhaps maybe not quite. If I'd been rich, I could have afforded detox and rehab, and at that point I could have gone skydiving, bought sports cars to speed in the desert and take off all day to go roller coaster riding and white water rafting to get my kicks that way. I take that back, being rich would have sufficed just fine, but I guess that's it. Drugs were the poor girl's steak and lobster, roller coasters and sports cars, but you get the point.
All my enjoyable activities couldn't be enjoyed before without either meth or painkillers in my system. How the hell did I manage to get so fucked up in the head? I guess that's a moot point.
One thing I loved about shots and pills was that a partner wasn't required. I didn't need someone else for money, sex, or whatever, I was just in my own private heaven. When it comes down to it, heaven and hell are but a state of mind. So I've tried to reach that state of heaven w/o drugs, but in all honesty in the physical realm, nothing even remotely compares to the euphoria of shooting up a rig full of crystal meth or heroin and crystal meth mixed together. (That's a righteous fucking blast!)
Sometimes I've found a solace and serenity living clean and communicating with The Source daily. It's just a feeling like, "Yeah homegirl you're doing well, I'm taking care of you, so don't trip." It's a nice feeling although the heaven others have told me about or that I've read about through meditation has still eluded me. The closet conscience contact/communion I've ever had with The Source has been alone in nature or at the beach on mushrooms. Not only can I talk to The Source, but I can truly hear. The useless irritating mindless chatter that goes on in my brain ceases and I can really hear direction. If I could only get that back with or without mushrooms, I'd give up fantasies about shooting meth ever again.
So who knows if this ever will or will not come to pass. I can try to hook up with Dave, Aimee, or Linda and find out if they can score some shrooms for me. I'd rather have them than meth or heroin, and believe it or not I don't want to trip merely for the high, but I want to go back home with The Source and stay there. Sometimes life feels like separation from The Source and I don't want to be divided and have my the feeling that my heart is shattered into a thousand tiny pieces anymore. Can you understand? Of course, what will probably happen is that shrooms will be impossible to get now that I want them (maybe? hell do I? should I?), however when I didn't want them there they were.
My true desire is to love others, not hate or be angry with them. I got to thinking about this because at work my patient's mom is extremely rude and difficult at times. I've been giving serious consideration to switching to 4 days + 1 night a week as opposed to now, which is 4 nights + 1 day.
My day patient is difficult and hard work, but his parents treat me with kindness and respect, plus if I happen to explain why something is or is not better for their son medically, they actually listen, whereas my other patient's mom, (where I am now) does the exact opposite of my nursing advice.
So finally when she got mean & rude with me another night however long ago it was, I told her that if she no longer wanted my help then I'll go home. I was pissed, so she recanted her bitchiness a bit. I want to be fair and forgiving, but at the same time I don't have to let people treat me like shit either.
This past 2 wks, my patient's mom went off to Vietnam & I've been dealing with the dad. He is totally cool, in fact my patient sleeps most of the night when he's here, but not with that bitch of a mom around. So, maybe I need to tell her what I've told my journal, but in a professional manner of course. I did tell Kelly's (my patient) dad and he said he was going to have a chat with her mom in Vietnamese because he doesn't want to lose me.
One good thing getting clean and doing recovery has helped me with is the fact I haven't had to be a sodding people pleaser, unlike during the days I was getting loaded. I actually stick up for myself without completely losing it.
All of the research I've done on spirituality has brought me to the conclusion that we're here on this earth to help others and so long as we focus on that, there is more harmony with ourselves and others. Still, the world fills our heads with such empty values such as vanity, money, racial and class prejudiced, ect & all this other stupid meaningless bullshit.
So I've been sidetracked big time along the way with drugs, vanity, and what money can buy, not that I've ever been well off financially, in fact far from it. Still, in the past I'd always have chosen drugs and poverty over being rich and sober because without dope, because all the things that money could buy would have felt devoid of pleasure if I couldn't be buzzed or high most of the time.
Ok, perhaps maybe not quite. If I'd been rich, I could have afforded detox and rehab, and at that point I could have gone skydiving, bought sports cars to speed in the desert and take off all day to go roller coaster riding and white water rafting to get my kicks that way. I take that back, being rich would have sufficed just fine, but I guess that's it. Drugs were the poor girl's steak and lobster, roller coasters and sports cars, but you get the point.
All my enjoyable activities couldn't be enjoyed before without either meth or painkillers in my system. How the hell did I manage to get so fucked up in the head? I guess that's a moot point.
One thing I loved about shots and pills was that a partner wasn't required. I didn't need someone else for money, sex, or whatever, I was just in my own private heaven. When it comes down to it, heaven and hell are but a state of mind. So I've tried to reach that state of heaven w/o drugs, but in all honesty in the physical realm, nothing even remotely compares to the euphoria of shooting up a rig full of crystal meth or heroin and crystal meth mixed together. (That's a righteous fucking blast!)
Sometimes I've found a solace and serenity living clean and communicating with The Source daily. It's just a feeling like, "Yeah homegirl you're doing well, I'm taking care of you, so don't trip." It's a nice feeling although the heaven others have told me about or that I've read about through meditation has still eluded me. The closet conscience contact/communion I've ever had with The Source has been alone in nature or at the beach on mushrooms. Not only can I talk to The Source, but I can truly hear. The useless irritating mindless chatter that goes on in my brain ceases and I can really hear direction. If I could only get that back with or without mushrooms, I'd give up fantasies about shooting meth ever again.
So who knows if this ever will or will not come to pass. I can try to hook up with Dave, Aimee, or Linda and find out if they can score some shrooms for me. I'd rather have them than meth or heroin, and believe it or not I don't want to trip merely for the high, but I want to go back home with The Source and stay there. Sometimes life feels like separation from The Source and I don't want to be divided and have my the feeling that my heart is shattered into a thousand tiny pieces anymore. Can you understand? Of course, what will probably happen is that shrooms will be impossible to get now that I want them (maybe? hell do I? should I?), however when I didn't want them there they were.
Today is Tuesday, Feb. 24th, 2009 and it is now 3:48 AM here in the Philippines.
Music wise, when I rushed back to Israel for the 2006 War, this song was blowing up all over NYC, "Suga Suga" by Baby Bash and Frankie J. Bash is not really my cup of ta but Frnkie J can sing his ass off and this song has a tight beat so...
www.youtube.com/watch?v=GYFKZPLAxdI
The second song is one that I had linked to on my BL Journal, but as I have said before, since those Journals are history i might as well recycle some of my favourite songs, as I listen to them again anyway. Jean is a pseudonymed Puerto Rican singer who grew up in Miami, Florida and usually sings in Spanish.
Indeed, once I was watching him in an interview, in Spanish, and the kid could hardly follow what was being said and when he was able to answer it was in Spanish that sounded llike a typical American accent. Grammar all wrong, etc.
However, he certainly redeems himself with this catchy song!
www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6szDIy6SUs
I have been reading, thanks to a mate in Israel, the controversial (or so the author had hoped) book by former US President Jimmy Carter: "Peace not Apartheid."
Carter was, is and apparently always will be a bloodt fool. He says absolutely nothing new or innovative in the book and clearly only useed the term "Apartheid" for its shock value and that to me is cheap and almost unforgivable.
"Apartheid" of course is the South African ideology based on the Christian Bible, and calls for strict separation of the races. Using it with relation to Israel is asinine. Not only are Arabs and Jews the same exact race, we are the same sub-grouping!!! Not to mention the fact that 20% of our own population is Arab!!!
As usual he tells us about his deep Christian beliefs and how disturbed he was when he took a junket to Israel in 73, a few months before the 73 War. It was his first trip to the region and e had expected to see a deeply religious nation (in Israel). This is how ignorant he was! Just 4 years before leading America!
I could pick apart the book but safe to say it was a total waste of time.
I am planning to head up to Cebu very soon. Rizza will be having her spring Break soon, and we will be back here but we have been apart for a good while now and she is getting antsy about it, as usual. She is desperate to have children, and while I understand it, things have required me to be here lately. I do no0 feel like going to Cebu but with the war pushed back away from us for a while, now is probablly the best time and after all, we will be coming back here soon.
I will probablly go with Dad via the ferry. He has not been back to Cebu since his mum died about 3 months ago. He usually goes atleast nce a month for a few days. He is a great son, typically Filipino in that regard. All the ethnicities and tribes here are similar in this regard.
Family is first and yet they are usually affected by disagreements that can develop into actual blood feuds,, "Rido" as they are known. We are in one as I have mentioned. Mom's elder brother Allan, or "Uncle Asshole" as i usually call him.
The last violence in ours was just after Xmas when a 2nd cousin was shot to death over it but the AFP (army) offencive against the NPA had calmed those waters quickly. Nothing makes families unite quicker than outsiders trying to encroach.
As we say in the Mid-East, "Me against my brother, my bother and I against the family, the family and I against the clan, the clan and I against the tribe, the tribe and I against the world." Pretty much true here as well. I suspect it might be the same in all tribal societies.
With the temporary peace in our valley, I am sure the Rido will flare up once more.
On Cebu, I will be heading back to the town of Danao, amongst other places. Danao is well known as the place to go to get blackmarket weaponry here. It reminds me in many ways, of NW Frontier Province in Pakistan near the Afghan border.
I had gone to Peshawar when in my early 20s. NW Province is off limits to non-residents, and while some of them can come and go at will given the right Baksheesh (brines), foreigners such as myself are verboten, no ifs, ands or buts.
I managed to call in a favour and got a permit, for 24 hours. We went to the Smugglers' Bazaar. for the Yanks, picture a "swap meet" or "flea market" where virtuallyall sellers are dealing drugs and weapons in total openess.
You would be dragged by the hand into a little store front, seaten, given sweet hot tea, and engaged in pleasentries and then they would offer generous samples of their wares. There are 6 types of heroin that I saw, every grade of cannabis and hasish, and so on.
What was so fascinating for me though, was that the gunsmithies. Working off a simple magazine photo they could fashion perfectly working firearms of any type!
Danao has no drugs market but it sure has gunsmithies. the Govt. tried to control them by allowing them to band together, form a coop and sell their goods under a taxation and permit system. Problem though was that aside from business dropping in a huge way (after all it is far simpler, if a bit more expensive to go to the mall and buy your pistol there (unless you needed an assault rifle which is difficult to arrange legally here).
So, while a few are above board, most are under the table. They can make anything you want. I ALLEGEDLY received 4 AKs last week, finally. the smuggling here is difficult for buyers so you have to wait for their sellers to deliver, for an added fee of course.
he AKs are perfect, I will photograph them soon enough I imagine. However, I wish to get a few more tools, we will see.
I have to go to Dad's father's home in their hometown of Compostela (not to be confused with Compostela on Mindanao). I love the "El Camino" resort there, even though it is flooded with Korean tourists. The food is great, and it is the only place I have found south of Luzon that has the breed of bananas that Westerns love so much.
I will not get into botanical terminology but the Philippine varieties are of a much different taste. They tast, to me, like apples! Over the years of coming here I never learned to like them but since moving here full time I have learned to ove them! HeY! ALOT better than dog or fruit bat, right?
El Dorado's prices are great, luxurious surroundings, a great place to spend time. If anyone reading ever plans on coming to the Philippines, consider that resort. When you hear the word "resort" here you better keep walking, nothing at all like Westerns imagine it, bu El Dorado is fantastic.
Onto Blood and Guts...
Sadly, the ICRC (Red Cross/Red Crescent) has announced that they are leaving Mindanao because their 3 workers are still in captivity having been kidnapped on Jolo, by Abu Sayyaf. they are being held by the faction led by Kumander Albader Parad.
ASG (A. Sayyaf) is presently, officially, holding 11 people but that means they are most likely holding several dozen given the fact that most do not want it publicised for various reasons.
The 3 teachers who were taking boat int Zamboanga were kidnapped at sea by ASG are still held , deep in the bush of Basilan. they are being heald by the faction led by Kumander (Commander) K Puruji Indama, and are being sighted in the mountains above the village of Tuburan.
On Friday, a "Chinoy" (Chinese Pinoy, "Pinoy" being the word for Filipino), or as we say in Bisaya "Tsinoy businessman was taken, with his daughter as they were entering their home. the daughter though is 10 years old. Late last night they were released in Maguindanao Province after their famly paid the ransom of several million Pesos. Just to give you an idea, 1 Pesos equals between 41 and 53 Pesos, usually holding around 44 these days. It has not been above 50 si9nce the summer of 2007.
Also taken Friday, but still being held, is a Sri Lankan man working for the NGO "Non-Violent Peace Force." He was taken from the home his organisation was renting in Lamitan, the capital on Basilan.
Other than kidnapping, ASG's last engagement of note was on 2/9 whe n hey mortared (81 MM) the 3rd Marine (Philippines) Battalion in Barangay Busbus on Jolo. Thereis no word on combatant deaths but 8 civlians did die in that terrible affair.
I will continue shortly, in another entry...
Music wise, when I rushed back to Israel for the 2006 War, this song was blowing up all over NYC, "Suga Suga" by Baby Bash and Frankie J. Bash is not really my cup of ta but Frnkie J can sing his ass off and this song has a tight beat so...
www.youtube.com/watch?v=GYFKZPLAxdI
The second song is one that I had linked to on my BL Journal, but as I have said before, since those Journals are history i might as well recycle some of my favourite songs, as I listen to them again anyway. Jean is a pseudonymed Puerto Rican singer who grew up in Miami, Florida and usually sings in Spanish.
Indeed, once I was watching him in an interview, in Spanish, and the kid could hardly follow what was being said and when he was able to answer it was in Spanish that sounded llike a typical American accent. Grammar all wrong, etc.
However, he certainly redeems himself with this catchy song!
www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6szDIy6SUs
I have been reading, thanks to a mate in Israel, the controversial (or so the author had hoped) book by former US President Jimmy Carter: "Peace not Apartheid."
Carter was, is and apparently always will be a bloodt fool. He says absolutely nothing new or innovative in the book and clearly only useed the term "Apartheid" for its shock value and that to me is cheap and almost unforgivable.
"Apartheid" of course is the South African ideology based on the Christian Bible, and calls for strict separation of the races. Using it with relation to Israel is asinine. Not only are Arabs and Jews the same exact race, we are the same sub-grouping!!! Not to mention the fact that 20% of our own population is Arab!!!
As usual he tells us about his deep Christian beliefs and how disturbed he was when he took a junket to Israel in 73, a few months before the 73 War. It was his first trip to the region and e had expected to see a deeply religious nation (in Israel). This is how ignorant he was! Just 4 years before leading America!
I could pick apart the book but safe to say it was a total waste of time.
I am planning to head up to Cebu very soon. Rizza will be having her spring Break soon, and we will be back here but we have been apart for a good while now and she is getting antsy about it, as usual. She is desperate to have children, and while I understand it, things have required me to be here lately. I do no0 feel like going to Cebu but with the war pushed back away from us for a while, now is probablly the best time and after all, we will be coming back here soon.
I will probablly go with Dad via the ferry. He has not been back to Cebu since his mum died about 3 months ago. He usually goes atleast nce a month for a few days. He is a great son, typically Filipino in that regard. All the ethnicities and tribes here are similar in this regard.
Family is first and yet they are usually affected by disagreements that can develop into actual blood feuds,, "Rido" as they are known. We are in one as I have mentioned. Mom's elder brother Allan, or "Uncle Asshole" as i usually call him.
The last violence in ours was just after Xmas when a 2nd cousin was shot to death over it but the AFP (army) offencive against the NPA had calmed those waters quickly. Nothing makes families unite quicker than outsiders trying to encroach.
As we say in the Mid-East, "Me against my brother, my bother and I against the family, the family and I against the clan, the clan and I against the tribe, the tribe and I against the world." Pretty much true here as well. I suspect it might be the same in all tribal societies.
With the temporary peace in our valley, I am sure the Rido will flare up once more.
On Cebu, I will be heading back to the town of Danao, amongst other places. Danao is well known as the place to go to get blackmarket weaponry here. It reminds me in many ways, of NW Frontier Province in Pakistan near the Afghan border.
I had gone to Peshawar when in my early 20s. NW Province is off limits to non-residents, and while some of them can come and go at will given the right Baksheesh (brines), foreigners such as myself are verboten, no ifs, ands or buts.
I managed to call in a favour and got a permit, for 24 hours. We went to the Smugglers' Bazaar. for the Yanks, picture a "swap meet" or "flea market" where virtuallyall sellers are dealing drugs and weapons in total openess.
You would be dragged by the hand into a little store front, seaten, given sweet hot tea, and engaged in pleasentries and then they would offer generous samples of their wares. There are 6 types of heroin that I saw, every grade of cannabis and hasish, and so on.
What was so fascinating for me though, was that the gunsmithies. Working off a simple magazine photo they could fashion perfectly working firearms of any type!
Danao has no drugs market but it sure has gunsmithies. the Govt. tried to control them by allowing them to band together, form a coop and sell their goods under a taxation and permit system. Problem though was that aside from business dropping in a huge way (after all it is far simpler, if a bit more expensive to go to the mall and buy your pistol there (unless you needed an assault rifle which is difficult to arrange legally here).
So, while a few are above board, most are under the table. They can make anything you want. I ALLEGEDLY received 4 AKs last week, finally. the smuggling here is difficult for buyers so you have to wait for their sellers to deliver, for an added fee of course.
he AKs are perfect, I will photograph them soon enough I imagine. However, I wish to get a few more tools, we will see.
I have to go to Dad's father's home in their hometown of Compostela (not to be confused with Compostela on Mindanao). I love the "El Camino" resort there, even though it is flooded with Korean tourists. The food is great, and it is the only place I have found south of Luzon that has the breed of bananas that Westerns love so much.
I will not get into botanical terminology but the Philippine varieties are of a much different taste. They tast, to me, like apples! Over the years of coming here I never learned to like them but since moving here full time I have learned to ove them! HeY! ALOT better than dog or fruit bat, right?
El Dorado's prices are great, luxurious surroundings, a great place to spend time. If anyone reading ever plans on coming to the Philippines, consider that resort. When you hear the word "resort" here you better keep walking, nothing at all like Westerns imagine it, bu El Dorado is fantastic.
Onto Blood and Guts...
Sadly, the ICRC (Red Cross/Red Crescent) has announced that they are leaving Mindanao because their 3 workers are still in captivity having been kidnapped on Jolo, by Abu Sayyaf. they are being held by the faction led by Kumander Albader Parad.
ASG (A. Sayyaf) is presently, officially, holding 11 people but that means they are most likely holding several dozen given the fact that most do not want it publicised for various reasons.
The 3 teachers who were taking boat int Zamboanga were kidnapped at sea by ASG are still held , deep in the bush of Basilan. they are being heald by the faction led by Kumander (Commander) K Puruji Indama, and are being sighted in the mountains above the village of Tuburan.
On Friday, a "Chinoy" (Chinese Pinoy, "Pinoy" being the word for Filipino), or as we say in Bisaya "Tsinoy businessman was taken, with his daughter as they were entering their home. the daughter though is 10 years old. Late last night they were released in Maguindanao Province after their famly paid the ransom of several million Pesos. Just to give you an idea, 1 Pesos equals between 41 and 53 Pesos, usually holding around 44 these days. It has not been above 50 si9nce the summer of 2007.
Also taken Friday, but still being held, is a Sri Lankan man working for the NGO "Non-Violent Peace Force." He was taken from the home his organisation was renting in Lamitan, the capital on Basilan.
Other than kidnapping, ASG's last engagement of note was on 2/9 whe n hey mortared (81 MM) the 3rd Marine (Philippines) Battalion in Barangay Busbus on Jolo. Thereis no word on combatant deaths but 8 civlians did die in that terrible affair.
I will continue shortly, in another entry...