Blogs

Since I am not very romantic or sexual, and have no interest in having a man (or woman) for more than one night or so, I place my loyalties on my friends. Friendship is as important to me as romantic relationships are to other people - they are the top priority in my life besides my career and spiritual paths in life.

Lately I have been realizing that some of my friends are not good people. Some of those that I am really close to step all over me, take credit for things that I've done myself, and use me only for the resources I have. A good example is this: my cat pissed on the floor upstairs, and my roommate threw her outside and wouldn't let her back in. Cat's been missing for two weeks. That is animal cruelty! And my roommate knew how much Eleanor meant to me, but he/she just doesn't care. I am angry about that. Another example: I am throwing the rave next weekend, with a little help from the rest of the StarCatchers crew. But some people in the crew has been telling everyone that Tabby is throwing it, so I feel that I'm not getting the credit I deserve. I feel resentful about that. Another roommate keeps saying that the house is "my property", the bathroom upstairs is "my property", everything is his/her property and it makes me feel like I don't even live here, like I'm just a guest.

To keep the peace in the house, and in my community, I've repressed my anger at incidents like this. Some people would say that I should just cut off the people that do things like this to me, but it's complicated - there are things that I gain from being associated with them too. Namely, a solid reputation and some local fame. I do admit that I love positive attention and seek it out. But there's something that's always true no matter what group I'm in: I never get the chance to shine. I am always in the background, the true force in making something happen, but never getting real credit for it. I am like the shadow behind someone else's sun; they use me for the support I give, but in the end it's all about them. I feel like one of those women in history who were the driving forces behind their husband's famous activities, but the husband got all the credit and reputation.

I guess what I want is to be equal to others. I don't want to outshine anyone, but I don't want to be outshined by anyone either. I want people to treat my property and companions (like my cat) with respect. I want friends who don't talk shit about other people, because people who talk shit on others will eventually turn against me - I learned that lesson with my former roommate. I want friends who admit their mistakes, who give me credit I deserve, who don't take proverbial ownership of the house we all live in, who don't tell me they love me all the time and then walk all over me.

Here's a good proverb: ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. I don't care if you say you love me, pay me compliments... that means nothing to me. I am a very critical person and I need people to PROVE their friendship to me - that means treating me with more respect than I have been treated lately. I just don't know how to assert myself, I am so scared of losing friends and opportunities through those friends, that I just can't bring myself to say anything. Even when my cat went missing, I never let on how much my respect for said roommate dropped. When someone said that Tabby was throwing the rave, I kept my mouth shut. When my roommate talks about "my property" I keep my mouth shut. I don't know what to say that won't end up in drama - I want to avoid drama at all costs.

Well the first step is moving out into my own apartment. I will have my own space, my property (to an extent, as even homeowners are subject to outside rule regarding their homes, renters are subject to even more outside rule). I can distance myself from certain friends, and maybe I will get up the courage to say how I really feel because I won't have to worry about seeing them every day and having it be awkward. But maybe I am just really, really critical, I see faults in everyone and it annoys me so much. I feel like I know how to treat people VERY well, and if I can do it everyone else should be able to as well.

Cocaine....

It's so far like a more dizzying and purer feeling MDMA. more itnense ins ome times but at the same time very like....comes in waves of intense pleasiure

jaw sore
feel like a zombie

feel great in the limbs

3 lines done (1+1+1 in a matter of ann hour,
1 gram

first line: eh.
Second line: getting theren gettingn wavy feelings of randiness
third line: let's see.

so much shit on my deesk, hair's etc...please clean where you cut and snort coke ew >.<


paranoid - heard a weird sound, scoped out the house.

onto the third line.

(mouth really really dry each line)

'

"line anxiety" - cut tghe lines a lot, cleaned out aforementioned hair, typing here..happened on every line...why?


after a few snorts its harder to get coke up my nose, feels like i have a head cold and can barely breathe thru my nose

drip isn't bad. tastes bitter at first, but that is very short lived, and is replaced by nice numbing form the coke

haven't yet felt like running around the block or like im invincible

maybe next time ill take half of a gram and blow it, 250 in each nostril and go 500 at once?

only done it a few times recently, and many years ago

I'd really like to shake this guy's hand. If it's his job to make my portfolio get more and more fucked every time his finance guy says or doesn't say something, then he's doing a fantastic job. Yeah, yeah, yeah - I voted for him because I'm sick of living in a shitty country where people steal my fucking laptops and die on the streets or in jail. And I do believe that in 16 years or so we may see some of that change if Obama is able to get at least a single fucking person on the other side of the table to talk to him, our captain bi-partisan change master. Really great job. Why don't you do us all a favor and slow the fuck down. You have a stimulus package that's going to be re-written 1,000 times before anyone on the republican side will swallow it - yet you release the fucking thing like it's ready to be published after like a month in office. I'm with you, "my man," on all of the great stuff you want to do but for christ sake if you keep ignoring wall street and let things slide like this for more than another few months without even trying to pander to these guys, a lot of the little people are going to stop giving a shit about your rhetoric. Why? Because we fucking invest, you cocksucker. Now pull a rabbit out of your hat. Friday would be nice - take a nap and wake up an hour before the market opens, fucktard, and say something. We have no information. No fundamentals. No nothing. Talk, you dick, and talk fast.

Moving into a huge house with my partner and having the beginning of the life that seemed impossible only a few short months ago is making me happy!

I sat down and had a think about what I really wanted from this life and it hasn't changed since I was a kid, just the general outlook on achieving that life dimmed in recent years.

Crackheads, crackheads, crackheads. If I kept using to the level I once was. I would eventually die from it after messing up my life and that of my family. If I kept in physical contact around friends wheo were not friends but merely dickheads or crackheads then I would never be happy.

My life as it is now is dickhead free. Moving onwards and upwards from the dregs of society has actually been hard though. I don't think too much about previous relationships I have had, friendships that fizzled as they were unhealthy, I think about the good people that have come and gone then come back into my life now I have straightened up.

My best friends from Perth are playing a role again, they are over the moon about my health and my circumstances and I am feeling that I can once again resume being a top shelf mate to my buddies over there.

My Melbourne crew, well, the ones that have kept off the gear are in constant contact and have babies on the way, new houses, life in going ahead. I talk still to those who are using and dealing but its not the same, I don't see them to score anymore so its kinda fizzled out. But I would never drop them, even Jay who is doing okay.

My ex husband is going well, we spoke recently. After 10 years together and a horrible property dispute and acrimonious split- it took time for us to appreciate each other again. He is a great guy, I hope he is happy in his world.

Ben, you are so precious to me. Our home will be filled with love and laughter and the love I feel enveloping me from you so far away right now- is so warm and soft. I wish you were here with me now, but I will see you next weekend for a booty call!!!


SO FUCKING HAPPY!!!!

Today is Saturday, March 7th, 2009 and it is now 3:27 AM here in the Philippines.

In terms of music, I have been listening to a couple of the dozens of "Buddha Bar" compliation CDs I have. "Buddha Bar" is a famous chain that began in Paris, with Asian Fusion cusine, which I enjoy, but the like some hotels and resturants, they became just as famous (perhaps more so) for the music they played. Chillout with a World Music edge.

A favourite song of mine was included in the Ministry of Sound (another compliation series I love) Buddha Bar double CD set, that came in a red velvet commemorative case. I still have the case although the lettering has since faded. A great song on that particular complication is the , suprisingly Deepak Chopra and Demi Moore single, "Desire."

Chopra of course is the New Age MD and author who is fond of using poorly translated midevil Arabic poetry as his own, and Demi is of course the artlet who is married to Ashton Kutchner (I believe married ).

Sounds like bollocks from the idea, but it actually comes off very, very well no doubt due to the great instrumental backing it.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=tVgMyj3nKyw

"A lover asked his beloved, 'Do you love yourself more than you love me?' The lover replied, 'I have died to myself and I live for you'..."

I have not been watching a whole lot of TV. I should be taking advantage of it after all, with the attempts on the Power Barge at Nasapit, perhaps I will no longer have the option to do so for much longer. It is all the more ironic given the history here. We have cable now, courtesy of PhilCom, a cable and phone system that operates in the southern islands, and which has just been bought by an American corporation.

Until the late 90s we did not even have TV, since the 2 stations that operated in Davao City do not make it through the mountains, nor did the one channel in Butuan, etc. Things happened very rapidly here. We got landline phone service, cable TV and then cellular phone service all within 18 months of ne another and then within a year we got National Hiway paved!!!

Prior to the paving, the 90 odd klick drive from Butuan could take 7 hours in dry season! in monsoon season it might take an entire day depending on washouts, etc. People still almost universall have SUVs, and dirt bikes when having motor cycles.

PhilCom is not bad for cable, although theit computer service sucks terribly! DSL was a nightmare, and then in 2008 we finally got broadband. Now we have 2 accounts in the compound. We have local broadband for most things, and the AT and T Worldplan for business, and some of my correspodance. I no longer need to use an Anonymyser which cuts out one more headache.

Channel wise, I enjoy the Aussie channels the most, I love "All Saints," the Aussie equivalent to America;s "ER," although much more laid back. I love the middle aged MD with the earring who has a morphine addiction! Gee, wonder why?

1 channel we do not have, and which I miss
terribly, is the US channel, "Cartoon Network." I admit that I was very slow to catch on but on my last trip to the US I truly got into its "adult Swim," the adult themed cartoons and animation that they boradcast between Midnite and 6 AM.

My favourite show on Swim is "Tim and Eric Awesome Show" which I have shown clips from in earlier entries here, and Robot Chicken, of which I will link to a very shot but intensely amusing clip here....

www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDRa9I-NwDY

Still into the Apocrypha. Today I have been reading some of the various "Wisdom" Apocrypha. There are Solomon, Ezra, even Jesus. The best known is "Proverbs," which is part of the Jewish and Christian Canons. Most though have been omitted so that most Christians, and many Jews have no knowledge of the books. I have been reading "Wisdom of Solomon," which is rather interesting really.

Verse 11 is probably my favourite. I will offer it in English:

"Do not talk needlessly, which results in naught. Control yourself from insulting or gossping to and of a person. The mouth that moves needlessly imperils one's soul."

"Wisdom of Solomon" is a collection similar proverbs, some similar to those found in the Book of Proverbs while others are completely different.

Here at the compound, Dad has now arrived in Compostela up on Cebu, at his father's house. He will be returning with Rizza and probablly my 2nd eldest bro-in-law Nigel who is finishing his nusing Degree, as Rizza is finishing 1/3rd of hers (time flies).

Nusring (RN) BS takes 3 years in the Philippines, which is faster than generally found in N. America. I am suprised at hos Rizza has taken to it. When she got her Computer Science degree it seemed as if it was an exercise in futility.

Strangely she had been going on and on and on about becoming a Patient Care Attendant which in the West, and in Israel is an incredibly menial job. We all thought she was crazy and before I left for the US in 4/2008 we had left the conversation as an impasse. I had been trying to convice her to take on Nursing if she wanted to help people. Why become the labourer for a nurse when you can more easily become the nurse!?

After I had been in the US a couple of weeks she asked me if she could go up to our other home in Cebu. she said her nanny would accompany and stay with her and so I said fine, but no PCA courses!

She suprised me again when she informed me that she had registered at Southwestern University for a Nursing Science degree. I was extremely happy with her.

She is extremely insecure and so I correctly believed that the schooling would help instill confidence while also broadening her horizons. I do not know that she will ever really use her degree although it is good that hse has the knowledge and skills because of all our labourers' and families that depend on us.

There is no medical care at all for these people. We have all kinds of dangers here. Anything from Cobra and scorpion bites , to landmine injuries, to a plethora of illnesses.

There is a govt. hospital in Propesperidad, the provincial capital, but like almost all hospitals here they offer no real services to speak of. in most hospitals you will not even see a doctor unless you pay an estimated bill enirely up front and they are often extremely expensive by local standards.

The result is a total, or near total lack of healthcare for the poor who of course make up the bulk of society here.

I spoke in my latest "Blood and Guts" entry about the daughter of a Davao City NPA CO being kidnapped. Sadly, she was found dead this morning so it is seems it was Ilaga who killed her. I believe her father was not too bright when he named her "Rebelyn" (sic) as in "Rebellion." That is a death sentence waiting to happen!

Ilaga (Rats) made their bones by batling Muslims but in our part of Mindanao they mostly battle Communists. We have 4 Ilaga groups in and around us, plus 6 Bagani, pro-govt. Lumad (Tribals) paramilitaries.

Bagani usually only have the CAFGU weaponry, WWII and Korrea era Garland bolt rifles, while Ilaga have more efficient weaponry.

I have seriously been considering funding and creating my own paramilitary here, either myself or in conjunction with 3 other land holders (2 being family members). There is a form of CAFGU that is entirely privately funded and who have much greater freedom in operating.

The problem with that though is that it will seriously up the ante as for my and my family's safety. If I even begin moving in that direction I will be place don th NPA List, not to mention perhaps creating other enemies.

The private paras are officialy called
Special CAFGU Active Auxillaries.

It is a huge decison, with alot of local responsibility as well as alot of personal danger for me and mine so it must be considered very carefully. I suppose , like every other land holder here I already have a private para, although un-sanctioned (though blessed) by the govt. If I get into SCAFGUAA it would simply mean more coordination with the licit authorities, as well as making my men submit to a bootcamp under AFP (govt) soldiers.

However, officialy linking to the govt. places me diametrically opposed to the Objectives of the NPA et al. While we uneasily coexist with the organiation, and I am sure have employees who are actual members (as does every employer here), it would be entirely different.

My morphine intake is holding at 440 mgs per day, 220 in my AM dose, and 220 in the evening. I am still waiting until they stary distributing hydromorphone downhere, as well as the bupernorphine transdermal patches that were approved.

I am busying myself with my goat farming venture. I will start with 60 females, as soon as the out buildings are constructed, and we will break ground next week barring any unforseen circumstances. I will have it close to home, since I will be so heavily involved in the start up.

I have been struggling with the effectsof my other medications. One of the main reasons (other than changing out capital currency to the Euro and assets to gold) I went to the US in 2008 was to obtain Hepatitis-C medication. I brought it back with me and began my regimen 5 weeks ago. I am on Pegylated Interferon-A (Pegasys) and 1200 mgs of Ribarin tablets (sometimes capsules) in 2 doses of 600 each.

I will continue soon because of the character count...

I am a dirty, dirty, bad boy. But my roommate is just as guilty. She woke me up this morning with a blowjob. This is definitely not the first time this has happened when we crash out in the living room watching tv at night. It happened the night before yesterday too. She just loves cum, and we're definitely going to fuck tonight when she gets off work. It's just not right, but it's hard to say no to fun. All the time when she finishes giving me head, she accuses me of being bad. Imagine that....

Today is Friday, March 6th, 2009 and it is now 3:36 AM here in the Philippines.

Music wise, I have been strung out on a new track I just snagged via a file sharing site I am addicted to (Bearshare). Bearshare is pretty popular here, especially in the universities as it was one of my older brothers-in -law who told me about it in the first place.

The song though, is by Alibi. Alibi is simply Tiesto and Armin Ven Buuren (sic), 2 great Trance DJs. they have a bunch of great songs, but the one I am into at the moment is a remake of that old Marvin Gaye song, "Sexual Healing." Alot of mixes exist but my favourite happens to be , as always, the one by Freemasons. Freemasons are also 2 Trance DJs who are fantastic and I like practically every piece they do whether by remix or an original track.

Here is the song...

www.youtube.com/watch?v=p4H40ObraEU

Reading wise, busy reading bits and pieces of Jewish Apocrypha. Apocrypha of course are the unofficial religious texts that for whatever reason werenot part of the official canon.

Right now I am busy reading "Tobit" for about the hundredth time. It is funny how religious people are so sure that their Scripture (no matter the faith) is complete and perfect. they do not stop to realise that another human has picked and chosen just what it will contain and thus are censoring their own religion!

Tobit basically deals with a man who is said to be a descdant of the Exiled Northern Tribes (Lost Tribes). He is made blind, gets depressed and asks G-D to kill him. As he is doing it he remembers an important business deal in another village, where a nice sum of money is still owend to him (no Jewish jokes please!).

He asks his son Tobiah to retrieve the cash. At the moment when Tobit was asking for death, a girl in the village where the money is, named Sarah, was also asking G-D to kill her. Her sadness was cuased by a demon . She had been married 7 times and on each wedding night, before consummation (we are not married until we do the deed!), the jealous demon strangles the men.

Tobias takes his journey and on the road he meets up with a fellow traveller, who unbeknownst to him, is actually an Angel!

Arriving, retrieving the cash, he falls for the girl, and arranges his marriage hastily. Told of the demon, he panics but the Angle calms him and promises to take care of it. He tells Tobiah what to do, he does it and the Demon is banished.

Tobiah gains a wife, she gains a husband (finally), and Tobit is healed of his blindness!

The Scripture has comedy, suspense, horror, and drama.

Back in Mindanao...

Last night ilaga kidnapped the daughter of a major NPA leader in Davao City. As she was riding her motorcycle (it is the main form of transport, just as it is all over eastern Asia), outside of Oro Subdivision in Davao City, a white SUV cut her off, and in front of stunned passerby dragged her into the SUV and sped away.

The father is Leonicio Pitao AKA Ka Parago who commands the NPA in that part of Davao.the mayor of Davao City, Duterte, says that he has not found through offiical channels that she has been detaied by the Govt, despite the father being on the most wanted list of the 10th infantry Division for several months, frustrating them over and over again.

The 10th Infantry Division also says tey have no evidence that she is being held by any military element.

In Nasapit, outside Butuan, the NPA was thwarted when it tried to blow up a Power Plant on a barge belonging to the National Power Corp., which is a governmental industry. The barge supplies all of Caraga 's electricity. Caraga is a major Mindanwoan region, the region I happen to live in!

We get blackouts every couple of days, soemtimes as ong as 48 hours when the NPA blows pylons up, etc but if they had achieved their goal with the barge we would be in the dark for weeks, at least. We have some decent high powered generators here but only for household needs. Our mills obviously would be closed, as would all industry here and it would cataclysmic actually.

Funny, we did not have electricity here until the mid 80s, but now are so reliant upon it that it would equal total chaos should we go without it even for a week!

The attempted bombing is the second in a month, the first one taking place in the middle of Feb., just after the govt. offencive I spoke about in earlier posts.

This week marks the 6th year since the Abu Sayyaf bombig of the Davao Airport passenger terminal in which 22 people died. I rarely use it, although i did take it on my last trip to Cambodia in 2008 for my first leg, to Manila.

Yesterday, in Barangay Binoligan in Kidapawan City the Ilaga made their 16th assasination since October, in that city, when it killed a man, 5 days after killing 2 others in that one town.

The banker I have talked about, from Surigao City, is still missing. Sadly, he is believed dead now. He was kidnapped as he entered his home, but when asked for Proof of Life in his 2nd week of capitvity, the abductors failed to provide it, despite their repeated requests for 10 Million Pesos (100,000 US roughly).

"Proof of Life" is voice CONVERSATIONS, or a photo or film with current events on the telly behind the subject, or a dated local newspaper, etc.

The man, Johnson Custodio Cuiting owned Rural Bank of Placer, a commerical bank locally.

Late yesterday in front of a Bingo Hall in downtown Cotabato City an IED exploded critically wounding 4 women from Datu Piang in Maguindanao Province. the Hall is adjacent to Agong Lodging House where just the evening before another IED exploded in room 319! That one was set by the 2 men who rented the room. In the Agong detonation 2 workers in the building were badly burned and injured.

Earlier yesterday, another IED was discovered before it could detonate, after having been left in a ladies' handbag inthe public market in Pikit village in North Cotabato Province.

The Agong IED was an 81 MM shell (the usual source) wired to a 9 Volt battery and a mobile phone as the trigger. The Pikit IED was a simple tin can wired to a 9 volt, wired to a phone. No word on the bingo Hall IED composition.

In the past 4 days there has been heavy and constant fighting in and around Barangay Sabaken in N. Kabuntalan village in Maguindanao Province, as well as in Barangays Talitay and Talyan in Datu Piang in Maguindanao Province.

the army's using 105 MM Howitzers, along with SF-260 planes in heavy bombardment. Only 4 MILF (from K. kato's faction) reported killed so far, and those only for yesterday. Of course many dozens have died, as is always thecase - for both sides.

The 40th and 69th IB is fighting in Barangays Damatulan and Lumopog in Rangeban village, and Midsayap village as well as Barangay Dunggan in Aleosan village (Ilaga stronghold), against the MILF/BIAF. No word on casualties but the entire Barangay of Sabaken in N. Kabuntalan is in danger of being exterminated, with all houses said to be severely damaged or destroyed.

On 3/3 a shell from a 105 MM hit 9 children, ages 8 to 12. 3 died instantly and the other 6 are near dead or dead already. It took place in Barangay Mataya in Buldou village in Maguindanao.

On that same day in Barangay Crossing Salvo in Datu Unsay in Maguindanao the MILF's 105th engaged the army with 3 dead on scene.

The Sri Lankan NGO worker kidnapped on Basilan by the Puruji Indama faction of Abu Sayyaf is now being traded to an MILF faction commanded by Kumannder Usman Lidjal.

The army is massivley deploying along the Palungi River in and around Datu Piang in Maguindanao. so far the MILF has managed o rack 2 deaths when a pair on motorcycle did a drive by on the Butilen Bridge as the army was first moving into the sector.

Had to laugh at an article I saw in a govt. business handout that described Mindanao as "calm."

Locally, a drunk cop killed 3 people in Butuan last Sunday, and the crime wave is continuing with even more robberies, etc and so forth...

fuck yeah, got the car fixed. god damn, im just about to jump in er and go out and rip the roads up...in the sterotyped guido/ricer way of driving like a jackass with little regard for other users of the road.


smell ya later homes.

On the way home from work last night there was a guy on the bus that looked almost EXACTLY like Freddy Krueger. He had the hat and every thing. He kept staring at me too which needless to say made me feel a bit uncomfortable. I wonder if he knows that he looks like him.

Today is Thursday, 3/5/2009 and it is now 11:45 PM here in the Philippines.

Well, I got the masn out of trouble, we spent a few hours hanging out after I got off, now that he was separated from his tour Group, and I showed him the true sights of Jerusalem, as opposed to the Pilgrim Commercial nonsense that most only get to see.

You would be suprised how easy you can get into place with an auto rifle on your shoulder! Better than a Visa Black Card!

Anyway, his name was Mario Sigayle and he was from Cebu but was living on Mindanao, having met a woman in university from there, and marrying her. they were living in a home given to them by the wife's father, and a retail feed and supply store as well.


He has saved and been waiting for this trip for years and even though his wife was unexpectedly pregnant and about to burst, he had still taken the trip. It was difficult for him because at that time there was no phone service on most of Mindanao, and they lived deep in a bush village (my current home).

I let him spend the evening at my barracks (really a tent), against regulations but i lied and said he was my uncle, etc., family emergency and in those days things were so much more simple than they are today (sounds cliche but so so true).

The next day , I took a personal day and hitched with him to Masada (sic), where his Tour Group was seeing the ancient Jewish frotress. Hitching is par for the course in Israel, and in uniform you are guaranteed to get picked up very quickly, we even have hitching stands every so often. We took some pics, and after exchanging vitals I left, thinking little of it, seeing as how I had met many people back in those days.

2 and half weeks later I was told to head up to Metullah, on the Lebanese Border but in the
Central Sector, and rejin my Battalion (50th).

Hitched once again, and was made to wait 3 days for a link-up to take me outside of Ba'albek, at an FOB (Forward Operating Base) since we rarely were returning to Mt. Hermon, our main base at that point. However, the ride that brought me to Metullah was an 08 (CO AKA Commanding Officer) in the Lebanese Liason Office (we were allies of the sitting Lebanese Govt, which consisted of Phalangists.

Lebanese Phalangists, not be confused with Spanish Falangists, were/are a political party devoted to Maronite Lebanese. Maronites are a sect that is very close to Catholicsm in creed, and indeed for several decades now they have been drawing closer to the Papal Church after an incredibly long enstrangement.

At that time (and to a degree even today) they hated to be called Arabs, and insisted that they were the indigenous People of that land, being direct descendants of the Phoenicians.

Phonecians, and their related group (now extinct) the Carthaginians are a Greek People who spoke a Semitic anguage and practiced a unique religion that incorporated alot of indigenous features, such as holding "Ba'al" above all other G-Ds in their pantheon.

The Lebanese President at that time was a Gemayel, a son of the man who founded the Phalangist Movement. The Lebanese Army ceased to officially operate, and so the Phlangist Militia became the de facto national military.

The Liason Office was responsible for acting as a bridge between the IDF and the Phlangist Militia, as well as elements of the Govt. I talked quite a bit with the 08 on that ride to Metullah , and when he found out that I was a native Arabic speaker he offered me a position, but of course I had just turned 17 and was far too young for the assignment. He promised to keep me in mind.



For the next few months it was one Engagement after another, constant fighting. usually in and around Beka'a, and at this point alot of of men (Israeli) began to use Hashish and Heroin. Beka'a is a source region that is filled with cannabis used for Lebanese Hashish, and for poppies for #2 heroin (freebase).

I was suprised to get a box , and even more suprised to see it was from Mario who thanked me profusely, and apologised for not being able to contact me earlier. Mindanao, then as now has post offices but outside the 4 main cities on the island there is no mail delivery of any kind, nor was/is there any way to ship anything unless you were in one of the 4 main cities.

Mario had sent me boxes of snacks (knowing I had no close family to care for me there), as well sas a tonne of pictures, including his 1st child who had since been born his child was a daughter, whom he named "Rizza," who of course is now my wife! That was the beginning of our long friendship.

I smoked a bit of hash but that was about all.

Then, about 10 months after rejoining my Battalion I was hit by shrapnel from a large bore mortar shell. This time I was not knocked unconscious so I was in quite alot of pain with my harm almost severed at the wrist, and serious wounds in my left side.

The Medic pumped me with morphine, I was coptered out once again, and back to Hadassah Hospital for more fun and games.

Will continue...

its been what? 2 days since i last smoked weed...
longest stretch so far in recent memory

thats sooo sad lol

mostly coz im broke but funny that i dont feel any different, no strong psych cravings, well ok some....but its not bad. nicotine i suppose makes that all transparent. but im not smoking cigs more.

My bf spend the whole last weekend with me. Now he wants Friday to himself apparently. I know I should accept it. Men often need more time alone than women USUALLY. Hence, the invention of the garage. Right? I should be thankful for the time he does spend to me. I just wanna be a lil love dovely to make up for last weekend. Drive in head first and finally try to trust him not to hurt me. But yet I don't feel too encouraged. When I told hm that, he asked me where I got my weed. Which was a quote from my favorite movie, but it kinda hurt. I'm too sensitive.
I know it is PERFECTLY responsible that he would want to spend time relaxing or with his friends. I wish he would give me a second change not to make an ass out of myself in front of him female friends. As soon as they talk in I saw the wrong thing. But I want an opportunity to prove or at least try to prove myself... I also have have no friends and feel pretty isolated, being social would be nice.
But at least I know I'm too clingy so I'll leave him alone and let him plan what is going on. He has a tendency to withdraw now and then.
I guess I care class because I'm high. 'm just too damn sensitive.

BUT the the night,we went into two different room and watched the tv show we wanted. A year ago I wouldn't have been able to do that.
I want this to work for us. But I suck at relationships and
well I seem to destory everything that could possibly make me happy.
I guess I'm thoroughly depressed right now. Too much benzos I guess Who care.

Note to self: In the control panel, I chose the option to make this blog private, not readable by general members.
================

"Perkies 2" is more boring than "Porkies 1." Fits the sequels mold, I guess.

If anyone is reading, please don't be offended because I'm going to be blunt in this blog, as it's really not so much a blog as just notes to myself. As a novice, I don't want to forget certain details of various drug experiences. So these really are just notes to myself (not meant to be read by others).

I guess I find opiates boring. The nod/high, to me, is boring. If I had gotten a rush, the experience would have been less boring.

I guess my profile or constitution fits your classic non-drug user's profile. Opiates are too boring for me, and stimulants are too exciting (I don't like how fast my heart beats after smoking crack, for instance). To borrow from Goldilocks, sobriety is "just right" for me, not too hot a porridge, nor too cold.

Anyway this was my second-ever opiate experience. I crushed and swallowed 20 milligrams of generic Percocet (4 pills of 5 milligrams of oxycodone each, along with 325 mg of APAP each). Unlike the first time, I used Cold Water Extraction this time to remove some of the APAP. Not all APAP was removed because I learned that it takes an hour or more for the chilled water mixture to pass through a coffee filter, so I stopped the process short, and just drank the mixture trying to avoid much of the APAP that had collected at the bottom of the jar. The refrigerator's cold temperature helped separate much of the APAP from the water, and it collected at the jar's bottom. I could have avoided even more APAP by at least passing the mixture through 2 sheets of toilet paper used as a filter, but I was out of TP. (For a year I've been using Scott blue shop towels for "personal hygiene" as they're more absorbent than TP, and quite soft, too, but the Scott towels didn't appear to work well as a CWE filter.)

I was beginning to feel the effects just 6 minutes after drinking the stuff. By the way, this second opiate experience happened about 4 weeks after my first time with opiates. See my thread "The Percocet Puke" (or "Percocet Nausea"--as "puke" may not be searchable) for info on the first experience. (Again, this blog is really just notes to myself.)

The first time a month ago, I didn't use Cold Water Extraction. I just crushed and swallowed in water 25 milligrams of Percocets (5 milligrams more than my second time).

Felt nausea again this time, but I didn't throw up because I didn't drink any beer this time. The first time on Percs, I drank 5 or 6 gulps of beer.

Anyway, it was 3 hours before I was even just 40% functional again, and I was still nauseated and quite out-of-it. Also had a walloping headache this time, too, just like the first time.

No rush felt at all this time. The first time, even with more APAP, I got a rush, which was the only thing interesting about the experience. The rush came an hour or 90 minutes after ingesting the Percs. I think the rush was more intense than a sexual orgasm, but not as enjoyable. Again, no rush was felt during this second time ingesting oxycodone.

Some folks like opiates, but they're not for me. I just find them boring, and I couldn't wait 'till I was fully functional again.

I slept on-and-off for much of the day. Even 12 hours later, I was still a bit out-of-it. I took the drug at noon. My first sleep started at roughly 1 PM and lasted about 5 hours. Then I was awake for for 2 or 3 hours, during which I ate a full meal (the eating happened about 6.5 to 7 hours after Percocet ingestion--I was still a little nauseated but I did not throw up). Then I slept for another 2 or 3 hours. Woke up at 11 PM but was very, very groggy for quite some time. Went back to sleep for the night after an hour or two.

================
Edit:
(Other notes)

Although still feeling a little nauseated, I was able to eat a mid- to full-sized meal 6.5 to 7 hours after opiate ingestion, and I did not vomit from the food.
===

I was a little bit out of it for much of the next day.

Just testing posting so I can see how things work so I can write about it in the Greenlighters' Guide.

i feel a cringe in my stomach as i see the old couple hold hands as they walk, they're muffled laughter brought on by some joke only they share. it's enough to make someone sign up on eharmony...

it's a loneliness that i've always had. one that couldnt be cured by meaningless flirtation or stimulating conversation. tied over, maybe, but not cured. i long to be in a relationship when im alone though im never satisfied with the ending result and even now i feel foolish for letting something so childlike overcome me. i never understood why another person in your life could be so important to have, though i secretly knew that's exactly what i wanted...someone important to me.


but all this just shows that i have self-esteem issues and cant be happy with just me...


god dammit

This is my first blog, mainly inspired by a little bit of frustration within me.

I really want to get my hands on some Mescaline.
It's the only one of the three I have not tried and from the descriptions of it I think it will be my favorite.

Actually, i'm not even going to post what it is that i want to say. you two just shouldn't be together because of what you think you felt under the effects of a psychedelic.

I have to change Chinese Restaurants. I just ordered delivery from there and I wanted to pay with a debit card. They asked for not only the card number, but also the 3 numbers on the back of the card, and the billing address. I'm fine with the 3 number thing as that seems to be more commonly asked for now, but the billing address is pushing it too far. Sure, I give my address to them when I tell them where to deliver to but my address on my card could be different from where I want the food delivered.

I just don't understand why they need that. It seems kind of shady...