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slept in.............
Not feeling too well
sat up late reading about history of BL

It doesn't feel that long. It's a pretty big milestone!

Went to top of the Mark for martinis last night. Then
Went with gf to junior league fundraiser at the Fairmont. Hers sister was in the fashion show. Hundreds of peopel. I think that they must spend much of their free time talking about each other. Not my thing, so I went to the Tonga Room for some mai tais... Had several of ht edrinks on th emenu.. Dinner, auction ..... everybody my age looked the same. I would meet one, then a few minutes later, I would mistake another for the one I just met. They had the same hair cut, blond hair, blue eyes, tuxes, same western european ethnicity,.... Most of them were accountants. I can no longer laugh.

GF got sick and barfed all over the place at the end of th e fashion show. On the floor, on the people in the Grand Ballroom, on the way to the toilet, on the way to the cab, in the cab, ..... She was a mess. THe cabbie had to help carry her home.

Last year at the Junior art patrons party, the crowd was the same. aside fromt he free food and drinks, it 's unbearable. The drinks and food keep me going only so long. I cry.

it was a small dog..it ran from the left side of the street right into my car. i think it got excited because someone was walking their dog on the other side of the road ..it sucked major ass. i stopped and the other people walking their dog helped the owner go to the vet.. apparantly the dogs heart was still beating but i doubt it could've survived getting hit by an suv, sigh. just had to vent somewhere... i feel so terible. i wasn't exactly in the most aware state of mind, and sorta feel i could've avoided the incident if i was going slower.. i just hope i could forgive myself for this incident .

I play, I pounce, I fight. More often than not, I hunger.

You may recognize me by my spots. These spots have consumed me many times and I do not fault you for your caution. Please do not fault me for hiding these spots. Its interesting how a shirt, tie and shiny shoes make me appear as a different animal to you. My spots lie underneath, perhaps the brilliance of this borrowed watch has blurred your ability to see?

I hide my spots in order to survive, in order to feed and grab the opportunities that have presented themselves to me.

I hide these spots to live again in a less selfish manner.

I do not fault you.

I am a different leopard now. A different leopard with the same spots i have always had.

Should I care or should I not?
I knew once, but I forgot.

...Sorta...

Im moving on the weekend to a house that is on a street which is named a lot like BASTARD Street, but isnt really, just a couple letters the wrong way around.

Thank God

Its a really old /queenslander but has all the mod cons and huge back yard, maybe the biggest Ive had!

Planting my own vege patch will be fun.

I hope this home is going to be full of peace and love.

The bad things in my head are increasing, and Im not feeling too great despite this news. Im taking some valium and trying to not have these emotions. Insecurity? No, not really. /just self doubt.

I finished moving my things into storage 2 days ago. Currently couch-surfing. Only have a PO box. Start post-doc in a couple of months.

I just wanted to post what I went through on the day of March 25, 2007. I got off of work being a plumber as usual . I walked into my home in which where I lived alone , and before my son got home from his mothers house on a friday I wanted to quickly get a shower and be dressed before he made it home. I walked upstairs and started my water unaware thast someone had been hidden inside of my house while i was getting ready for my shower, as I walked out of my bedroom and into the bathroom the guy snuck out without me seeing him .As I walked into the bathroom he came from around the corner and hit me from behind. I was unsure still to this day as of what he hit me with , he managed to break all of the bones on the left side of my face and it knocked me out and into a coma which lasted 3 months. As he finished attacking me he tried to hurry out of my home before anyone seen him, and just as he was leaving , my son Gage who was 8 at the time was just returning home and managed to see and remember whome it was that was leaving my house. As my son walked in to find his daddy and found me lying there knocked out and full of blood.

Even though it had to be my small son who had to find me like that , he was the reason they were called in time to bring me back to life and save me .

So i layed in Shock Trauma in a coma and after 3 weeks i was transfered to Kernan Rehabilitation Hospital for another 3 months in the coma . After finally wakeing I had to be taught again on how to walk and they helped me get some of my thoughts clear and helped me think reasonable.

There was months and months that passed bye in which I spent most of the time in therapy and trying to get myself back to normal as possible. I had many months of legal affairs and alot mnore to deal with but I just wanted to share with you all of why March 27, 2007 was the worste day of my life.

farhad keeps introducing me to new foods... most of them i find really yummy, like the shamikabobs he made for dinner tonight. with french fries. except that i ate them all while i was frying up the patties so we had to make more. however, i am having a hard time stuff finding anything i like at indian places, its all too spicy

Today is Friday, March 13th, 2009 and it is now 12:38 AM here in the Philippines.

Listening to a fantastic R and B song, by Kindred and Family Soul (misstated many times as Kindred AND the Family Soul) and their first single "House of Love." The group is actually a husband and wife (very pretty I might add) who were married in 1998 and only discovered in the summer of 2007 by Jill Scott (anothter great R and B songstress) in their hometown of Philadelphia in the US, at a Afro-American arts festival, performing.

This song is fabulous, even the words are perfect. My favourite line in the song: "Our babies will have babies of their own, and our love will live on for generations to come..." My dream, only a dream of course.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=J1WWVJ-orVU

Speaking of Jill Scott, whose songs I do not usually care for despite her great voice, she did a song by another artist she "discovered," an Afro-Englishman, Anthony David whose song "Words" is also fantastic (alot of "fantastic" yes?). India Arie is also singing on it and in the video.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYaJFSh4kME

Reading wise, I have been studying some Merkava works. "Merkava" is a Hebrew word which means "Chariot," and some might know the word since it is the name of the Israeli produced battale tanks which are shortened at times to just "Mk," etc. i have ben rereading the texts because of a current thread in "Religion" where they ask you to define your faith, and of course itt delved into Kabbalah (not by me though)

Merkava is one School of Jewish Mysticism that is collectively known today as Kabbalah, not to be confused with the New Age hokum being peddled to suckers like Madonna et al. Kabbalah is an ancient Jewish path that dates at leat to the Babylonian Exile (when our People were taken in battle to Babylonia in the 6th Century BCE/BC).

Merkava was biggest around the time of the Jewish Wars in Judea, against the Roman Occupier, in other words from about the 1st to 3rd Centuries CE/AD.

It was probably the biggest single influence on Gnostic thought and teaching, although Zoraoaster probablly guided their usual dualistic notions that served as the unifying basis or core value of the Gnostic teachings.

For many centuries scholars believed Judaisim as a whole to have been shaped by the Gnostics but the converse was actually found to be true once the Nag Hammadi texts were discovered in 1945 CE/AD in Egypt.

These texts which literally are pricelss were found in the desert in the village of Nag Hammadi by a shepard mining minerals out of the soil. digging itno the sandy soil he discovered an ancient earthenware jug. Ignorantly (of course)( he burned roughly half the materiel in his hearth to cook his meals before being convinced to try and sell the works in Cairo and the rest is history.

It is always that way. An ignorant person disocvered great treasures and ruins some or most of them but at least they were discovered, yes?

A similar story (true of course) happened at St. Catherines which is a Greek Orthadox monastery on the Sinai mountain popularly held to be the true Mt. Sinai (actual location of which is not known).

A European travelller took ill in 1844 CE/AD while on an "adventure" as people of the Victorian Era used to call their mostly wasteful sojourns to exotic locales. Taken up to the isoalted monastery for rudimentary medical care and convalescence, he was startled one day when he was finally able to walk a bit.

Making his way from room to room he found incredible texts, being burned in the hovel fireplace of a labourer for the monastery! The texrts today known collectively as the "Codex Sinaiticus," and again, pricelss in value!

They might have been first "dicosvered by an Itlian traveller in the 18th Century CE/Ad but I do not buy into THAT tale myself, given the absolute lack of respect given to the documents just 80 or 90 years later.

One of my hobbies in Israel is prospecting acrhaeologically. I have a good metal detector which can even tell me the approximate makeup of whatever metal it detects. The problem though is that I want and need some form of ground penetrating radar which can tell me if any non-metal objects are buried as well!

Texts are usually not going to have metals near them, and I love history almost more than anything.

Here Dad has told me he also greatly desires a good metal detector but I know his idea is to find gold! As I have said, in years past he has prospected in COMVAL (the newly created province of Compostela Valley just a few villages from us going south, and prime gueriilla territory.

I probablly will make him happy and buy him one but the tarrifs are going to kill me, almost as bad as importing autos here! indeed, at Customs they usually do not look twice at a light skinned foreigner but they still almost always ask, "any Electronics?" Never bring any in a box orginal or otherwise. ALWAYS tell them it is your own and has been used before.

Anyway, it will thrill him and give me something to do as well, as long as we do not start de-mining! Here almost all mines are remote detonated, not anti-personell so it is not a great danger in bush, but along roads it still is.

I took my medicines this morning, Thursday. I also got back my blood work results that I had been so anxious about and not bad nor good news. Ideally i would be one of the 16% with my Genome who have undetctable viral loads in my blood at this, the 1 month point. Alas, from my previous 110,000 I now have 10,000 and change which is a good reduction but nothing to be throwing a prty about. I will know for sure in 2 more months at the 3 month point.

I actually phoned my primary physician in the States, I will not name her out of respect for her privacy but she is with Einstein/Yeshiva University, a Jewish instituion in NYC. We had a long talk about the outcome and I will of course carry on. I still have not told Mom, Dad or Rizza the results. They have all been praying for a "non-detectable" but i have livedennough to always expect the worst without creating a self fufilling prophecy via my negative analysation and over-analysation.

Talked to Rizza in depth about our situation, but she is oblivious as always. she is not very "deep," not to sound denigrating but like most Provinical women here she is focused on making babies, family, and now of course her studying. She finishes for the year in a week, after Finals the coming week and then she heads back with Dad who is in Compostela on Cebu.

I know we will have some serious talking to do when she arrives.

I haven't had a car for awhile now.

I spent too much money on drugs and not enough on bills and when this happens, things like 2007 Nissan's that you bought with your sparkling, can't believe it's this good at 20-years-old credit score get repossessed.

So my parents drive me around because they don't trust me with their car--and they shouldn't, I realized yesterday.

As far as they are concerned, I've been clean for almost 6 months now...that's very untrue. I was clean just under 3 months, and now have been on a just over 3 month binge, cleaning up for 5 days at a time once a month so I don't drop dirty for probation.

I'm definitely still a junkie, but I thought that I was over the "pawn all my stuff and when I run out pawn other people's/stores' things" phase. I lost a lot of my own nice things this way and got arrested again.

But as I was crossing the highway on my way to rehab, in the passenger seat of my dad's car, I had this overwhelming urge to hop on the highway, pawn my ipod and go score.

Had I gone through with it, it would have been the 4th iPod I pawned.

So, I now take it as a blessing in disguise that I don't have access to any cars.

I don't know where all this self-negativity is coming from lately.

I used to be fairly confident, then I went downhill for some time, but recently, things started looking up a lot more.

Then I hear ONE comment by ONE person who I don't even have any respect for, and suddenly it's back to old habits.

I'm just ready to go to sleep for a couple weeks or so.

These cravings aren't so bad. This pleasure seeking behavior is subsiding. I have other pleasures to pursue.

My love 'M'. New experiences of wholesome family life. Future dreams. Togetherness. New 'firsts'. Education.

I am id, but id can be positive pleasure as opposed to self-destructive, self-seeking, negative pursuits.

Its time to re-pattern my 'natural' instincts and delve into REAL pleasures that last.

I am id but id isn't necessarily bad.

*i had a massage at a women's bathhouse/spa type place last night. it was awesome and i want to go back. the sauna and steam room made my skin all soft

*i do not understand people who seek permission from their SO to do mundane things. i know the boundaries of my relationship without constantly needing to check with james.

*insecure girls confuse me. most of my coworkers seek constant validation from their SOs. and flip out if they don't get a text from their SO every few hours.

*wedding vendors annoy the hell out of me. so does dress shopping.

*a long weekend in cleveland is not a vacation, tho its needed to take care of the above issues.

*i prolly should write my papers instead of random thoughts

*which would mean i should also stop playing lexulous.

Bluelighting started as I was just looking for legal highs. Later I found the drug that I just couldn't get enough of, loved the feeling of happiness it gave me, Tramadol. I know a lot of people hate it here but it just worked for me. That first high blew my mind. Oh the money I've spent, likely around $1000. Uh makes me almost sick to think about it, but hell thats in like a year or two so I guess not too bad. Now I'm off it. I lost the last shipment and didn't have a job and the bf didn't like that I was on it. I knew he just had my best interest at heart, once he heard how bad the w.ds could be and how sick I would get on it sometimes, he was set against it.

Now and then I'll pop 3x the dose I need of Fioricet with codeine. But my body doesn't like coming off those barbs after 4-5 days. Just makes me sick. Plus there isn't much to the script, and I do have legit reasons for having it. I use too much and then I don't have it when I need it.

I look back and I see Xanax dependent, knocking myself out all the time no matter what the problem. Came off that after rehab and they wouldn't let me have ANY substances of abuse. I was angry because I do have an anxiety disorder. Now, I get k-pins. I've gotten 1 high from them and didn't like it. It was like being overtired and what not and unable to do anything. Guess I don't like it anymore. I can manage without it, but until I get into therapy its easier to manage the disorder with the drugs.

Oh the wonder of weed. I loved that stuff. Still would likely do it if I ran into it. I destressed, I ate, I slept...the only problem was it was illegal and when my mom found it a few times, she had enough and told me how it was going to be. I quit.

The fall from grace that was Soma and Tramadol. Fuck. So stupid. Cost me a job I liked and rumors of a serious drug problem and child abuse. Damn. Soma was strange. Some days it would work and other days it wouldn't. High dose before work and bam, blackout. Just a sudden decline in functioning. I'm amazed I didn't lose my job then. A good story and current health problems I guess. Lost it later to just a sober mistake in judgement...
Times of my mom knowing I was fucked up on a whole gram of Tramadol. Enough that I'm throwing up. I just was chasing a high.

BL has seen many sides of me. A depressed self loathing individual with seemingly no reason to live. To the healthier person I am now with medication and determination to take control of my own life. A person that at times, actually likes herself. Although I'm not perfect, sadness and depression still get me sometimes and I still lack a lot of the skills to deal with it. But the thoughts of suicide are now gone, not returning even at the low points. A comfort and a miracle. Any dr that has done that for me, may happiness be their own in life, for the gift that have been able to give me.
Medication is simply a guessing game. But those of thought and understand guess more right than wrong...

BL has seen the falling away of the abusive ex Iraq boyfriend. The heartache and the hope that he would return. The realization of the abuse, the position I put myself in, the time lost, the tears wasted and the rise to strength.
At times I still miss him, the good times before the abuse and when he still loved me. I almost cried today. I suppose once you truly love someone with everything you have...its hard to let go, and who knows if you can ever stop loving them.

But I have also moved on. TO a bf that cares about me, never would abuse me, has my best interest in mind. No, he isn't perfect, far from. He had made his own mistakes and sadly just messed up his life worse than I managed to mess up my own. But together we are better, stronger, leaning on each other and holding each other up in times of trial.
He was there before the medication was able to take hold, helping me to stay here and hold out. He has been able to witness the change in me and see me happy. Who knew that I would ACTUALLY be happy! Although he is well aware of all the issues just below the surface that occasionally rear their ugly head.

Today, I'm in school still chasing my dream of psychology and just my gift of being able to help people. I can read those around me and when I'm not overcome by my own problems are able to make a difference in the lives of those around me. People are now able to see the person under all the depression and self hated. A kind person who seeks to help others and can be a joy to be around.

Sure I need to change my sleep patterns, need to get rid of the barbs, need to get into therapy and work on coping skills and relationship paranoia. Need to gain some freaking weight. I don't think there is a eating disorder really present but rather an adaptation. I sleep I don't eat. I didn't eat so my stomach doesn't make me feel hungry...although I don't lack issues with food completely. I had my moments. I noticed the other day that I weigh more in 7th grade than I do now and thats not healthy. 94 pounds is not cool. I'm thinking perhaps its time to look as some possible medical causes.

This is my first entry, and rather than ranting about my past i will just start by typing about the present. Basically all i would have to say about my past is the few hospitalizations and rehabs iv been to in order to get away from the drugs, but needless to say i always end up right back where i started, but not as bad or intense as the original problem i suppose. But that leads me to what i have been thinking about today. for a while i was sure i was done with the downers but it turned into being down on the downers everyday again. i have no job, i lost my car so i don't have money to be spending on the opiates when i feel like i have definitely developed a problem again. today is one of the few days i in a couple weeks that i have not been able to get an OC or Perk due to not having money. this leaves me extremely irritated trying to think of all the possible ways i could make money. i hate the fact that im back to feeling like i need some sort of drug just to get me through the day. i feel bad because my friends and family have gone through so much to help me with my drug problems, but i am carrying on my life fine. well i guess that's easy to say now since its only been a couple weeks that im doing opiates almost every day again. the urges that i am getting to steal things in order to make money is horrible because im really not the type of person to fuck other people over. i refrain from stealing things right now but what if things get worse in the weeks to come? I NEED MONEY. tomorrow i am going to return my photography book in order to hopefully get enough money to throw down on half an 80. which is sad that i have decided to fail class that i have paid to take just for 40 mg of an oc. pathetic. im pathetic. why is this happening again? Its very sad that the reason i feel like i need to get a new job is to be able to support my opiate habit. well im going to go figure out how i could get money so i can skip class and get high tonight =] later.