Blogs

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Sleeping dreams hum in rhythm
inside
a shout of help
around, a stolen spine lay somewhere round
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different photos
life reenacting resurrecting
relived unintentions

spinning spinning spinning inside a ball - unbreakable.
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if one could invoke the strength of herculean might
pulling ones own hair could be a delight
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a bald- lacking breathe wench
a monster any child would fear to be
on halloween
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If i would receive the most thoughtful gift
it would be water proof pen and paper

i get these tunes in my head of winding words
with impeccable form
and when the time comes to record
it all comes out like dribbling piss from a catheter.


I delighted in a demerol twilight.
to bring back down my haste and vulgar

I read about queen elizabeth.
i relate all too well with the fire of temper

if my words were a​

tangible weapon
the shrill is like napalm

unfortunately, not just the intended victims get burned

inside something gets taken away.
erased

i must recall, all is not what it seems
and have faith

its like sometimes the universe and all
and after forgiving and forgetting the day

there was some part of you that was

not returned​

and one day it all flows through you
burning within and all around interfering

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh​

just wanting to be free of something like everything

why cant i pull myself out of the messes i put myself in

why does it seem my own shadow ran away

where is that great embrace
real love

i haven't endeavored in a psychedelic for seemingly an insurmountable time

but i concerned about my fragility in psych

as though the entire world where invisible to me and i to it

one of these days you and me universe will be together again- in love again with one another. all passions rushing through and healing all burdens. my back a feather my feet wings. my hands the most beautiful tools of engineering and my mind blossoming into that gorgeous genius sweetest flower. i long for these days. i will have those days again - for always this time.

this week i have been trying to expand my circle of friends by hanging out with some new people... we went pumpkin carving and then trivia night with some people vgoraz knew from OH. but it ended up that the one dude ended up recognizing me from a bar i used to hang out at, and another guy graduated from my high school two years before me. it made me feel weird because i got all worried that they would hold my previous actions against me (whatever those would be). and i was worried that i didn't act properly or did something weird or something wrong.

then tonight i invited some coworkers over to celebrate me leaving my job. which is somewhat convoluted logic, but actually makes sense in this situation. but i spent the better part of the night worrying if i was doing everything correctly. then i said the word bottle funny (i say boTTle, with am emphasis on the T) and they started cracking up. i am pretty sure it was all in fun, but it made me feel super awkward.

i am not amused with these feelings. for a long time these sort of interactions were getting easier for me and less odd. but it seems like i am going backwards and struggling more with being social. but if i am not hanging out with people, i begin to feel depressed and worthless. wtf is going on in my head?

I was sharing at a meeting tonight how it has been 68 days since I have used but I still have thoughts and cravings. I know that they will leave and eventually stop hitting me this frequently but, what the fuck? Its been 68 days, shouldn't they be fucking gone by now?

Dude told me that it is a form of withdrawal. A type of 'mourning' if you will. He says that this is common to miss 'the good parts' of my addiction (the pleasant feelings, the intense rush, the excitement of the chase, etc.).

My drug using days are over, so I mourn. I guess this a part of 'acceptance'. I know I am getting better but it seems I am being impatient. I want to be well NOW. Completely fixed and okay. This is unrealistic, I know, but as a dude that has this addiction thing going on, I'm not patient. I want things to happen immediately.

As time passes, with me not using, I will get better. I didn't fuck myself in one day so it will take more than one day to unfuck myself.

I guess I'm angry that I'll never be that guy who can use 'every now and then'. I've proven to myself time and time again. I've abused the privilege of using drugs. I just can't use them and live a happy, peaceful life.

Now I need to learn how to live. I've removed the drugs but haven't really replaced the spot that they held with anything.

This will get easier and I need to remember that in order to get through it I need to go through it.

Someday I'll be patient.

Someday I'll be better at acceptance.

Just not today, I suppose.

And now I have another day clean.

Well finally visited the doctor for my anxiety. He decided to perscribe me Clonazepam and Cipralex.

0.5mg Clonazepam
10mg Cipralex

Both twice daily.


All day I've been feeling the anxiety getting to me. I took 0.5mg of Clonazepam at 6:00pm and it's now 6:47pm and I am starting to feel much more relaxed than I have been in quite awhile.

I don't start the Cipralex for 1 week because the doctor wants the clonazepam to kick in a work for awhile before starting the drug that's most likely going to make me feel worse before better.

I hope this works, I have been suffering from my anxiety since at least 1991/2 (that it was noticeable to me). Though I was showing early signs around 1988.

Not sure if I'm glad or not to have the label attached to what I have, "Social Anxiety" and "Mild Panic Disorder".

Heache- gone
Jittery- gone
feeling anxious- gone
feeling cold all the time- pretty much gone
that wound up feeling - pretty much gone
sweaty hands - still have (but it might just be too hot in here).
Dizziness, feeling faint - gone

This is going to be a challenging next 2 weeks. Not because of the meds. Austin is going to notice changes and will most likely test the waters in what he can NOW get away with. I know clonazepam has a side effect of possible anger issues, I already have anger management issues but related to my anxiety...so i wonder if the anger management will worsen or get better...?
we'll see...

Here's to hoping for the better...

give me back my salt! you evil fucktard!! & fu. ( _ ) " hfhfhnffh"

!@#$%^&*(

doiewrh4w98y5nOQ*ue03wojrneaopjkmdjjw984385r03q8wN98409804J20

i need a goddamn spine im so indecisive and i hate it another reason to beat the hell out of myself. i just cant though i dont know why. fuck!!!!!!!!!! i guess it wil pass soon enough im tired of it though just waiting for my decisions to make themselves its like torture and im the only one who can stop it but i just cant find the courage. years of abusing body and ego only made things worse. why? Why still do it? how does it help? i can see the flaws but too paralyzed by fear to help myself. i know this is my problem and i dont need help fixing it. i know i have to pick myself up but sometimes id rather sink into the dirt and dissapear. but that would be the easy way out and i know better than that. just needed to write it down so i cant look away anymore time for action do something for yourself stop wasting......................

Hi Everybody!

Hoptis asked me a while ago to paste in the selected bits of our e-mail discussions regarding the improvement of our little sub-forum. It's been a crazy week, so I haven't had a chance to get to it, but here it is:

Dave said:

As far as the suggestions for improvement, here's the short list so far:

* A direct link to blogs from the main page (and perhaps the forum list at www.bluelight.ru/vb as well) as well as/instead of the link in the 'Quick Links' section of the pulldown menu. Just as a means to improve visibility and access
* A 'Posting Guideline/Announcement' link (a la 'Other Drugs Guidelines') or other sort of Sticky post system for announcements
* A listing of who is moderating the area, so that posters can know to whom to address any issues/complaints


I was also wondering if there was a way to change the number of 'Recent Blogs/Comments' seen per page? As a nicety more than anything else. And if the poll functionality can be extended to Blogs? Not that we do much voting, but once a month we vote on the Topic of the Month, and the poll just looks more slick than the current setup.

From what I've heard, changes to the layout and what not in Blogs are not trivial, and as such I completely understand that these may not be able to be implemented, or if so not soon. I know how little time one can realisically can devote to BL . It's more of a wish list than anything else at the moment; nothing's broken, and none of the suggestions need to be implemented any time soon.

Click to expand...

hoptis said:

On the other issues, I'll try and look into all of those as soon as I can, some of them will be possible, some of them not. The polls one, at first glance, seems impossible but there are many workarounds for this, including the possibility of adding a notice to Blogs which directs people to a poll in a BL forum somewhere.

PS. Have you ever seen this?

http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/contactlist.php

I'll update it this weekend to remove spork, though I agree it would be nice to have the mods listed somewhere in Blogs too.

Also you should be aware, the home page for the Blogs module is here:

http://www.vbulletin.com/features_blog.php

Have a look at the demo of version 2.02. I hope to upgrade our Blogs to this version by year's end.

Click to expand...

Dave said:

Thanks for pointing out the contact list. In my nearly 10 years here I've never seen it, and think that it's great. I'll pass it on to the user who made that particular suggestion. The poll thing is probably the lowest priority thing in the pile; the way we are doing it now works well enough for our purposes.

Thanks as well for showing me the blog features list. I don't doubt that there are many features that I haven't used yet, and many more that most users don't use. I'll be sure to give that a good reading when I get a chance.

I think that's it for now. Talk to you soon!

Click to expand...

That's pretty well it for now. Hoptis is on vacation for another week yet IIRC, but this should be a good place to discuss potential improvements to Blogs in a manner more public than PMs.

To add another note: this month the topic of the month really seemed to fizzle. It was a good idea, but I haven't been around enough to properly promote the cross-forum idea. Do we want to keep going on with the 'sub-forum' themed months, just do regular themes, or can the theme of the month altogether? Personally I'd like to see it tried for another month at least, but I don't know how well the cross-forum theme idea is working. I just need to get out there and start talking up Blogs in places other than, well, Blogs.

So yeah, let's discuss these points, and add some more suggestions as we think of them, shall we?

...this is day 2 of not smoking. I'm doing it kind of cold turkey.

Yesterday I chewed a piece of 2mg nicotine gum for about 5 minutes. This morning I needed to chew half a piece because I accompanied a friend of mine to a court hearing for moral support and just couldn't hold back the cravings. Well, its not really cravings that are fucking with me, it is more of that on-edge, irritable discomfort that makes me pop a piece of gum.

Tell ya what, I absolutely CAN'T STAND people when I'm withdrawing from nicotine. I've been keeping my phone turned off these past two days for the simple fact that people are annoying. I don't want to hear about their problems, opinions or stories of how good/bad they are. I'm trying to make changes in my life. Quitting cigarettes is one of those changes.

Man, I truly want to punch someone sometimes. I figure in perhaps a day or two, this irritability will go away.

I hope so... I'm starting to question the nature of my character. These past few days are making me think that I am a complete, selfish asshole.

I'm gonna go to my meeting in about an hour, roll out as soon as its over, go home, pop an OTC sleep thing and go to bed with another successful day without cigarettes.

We'll see what happens.

How can we be expected to govern emotions with logic when emotions dictate logic?

We got shitted on here recently, the snow is still fucking coming down and it isn't supposed to stop until tomorrow evening. I'm dreading fucking going to work. The only thing I really have forward to look to right now is my paycheck. My first one was a fucking rip off, only got like 200 bucks on it and I had been working three god damn weeks. I was broke as fuck..shit I still am broke as fuck and i dropped my phone in a puddle and my ipod got wet the other night so that shit is all jacking up and this check isn't going to be enough to get me through another two weeks, I already know it. I already owe the bank $65.00 in fucking overdraft charges.

I am happy to have a chance to return to BL after such a long absence, but am sad to return to find that my dear ol' journal and photos are all gone.

I have reflected back upon my journal here at BL for years, and coming back to find that there are no longer journals but blogs kind of makes me sad. Yes, blogs are typically the same thing, but my journal here was full of so many good/bad memories that I am sad to see it gone.

Ah well, things change, the world revolves, and life goes on.

I will just fill this blog with memories for me to reflect on in the future, right?

Well, let's see. I'm no longer a doper, and although at times I do miss my junky lifestyle I am very happy for the new kind of life my recovery has afforded me. I didn't return to BL for quite some time because I felt it worked as a trigger for me, but am realizing now that nothing can trigger my addiction but myself.

Normally I blog over at The Atomic Mom, but in taking a sort of hiatus there I have decided to blog here for a bit. That blog is merely a "mommy blog" and not a whole lot of anything else goes on there.

I am pregnant with my second son. I couldn't get lucky enough to have a daughter, so I am going on this journey again. I hope that life provides me with two strong and healthy boys to look after me when I am old and feeble. My second son is due in March of 2010 and I am desperately seeking a name for him, so any help will be greatly appreciated.

That is as much of an update that I can provide you with for now, and probably more of one than you really wanted. Rest assured that you will here more from me. Much much more.

Ninevah

I am happy to have a chance to return to BL after such a long absence, but am sad to return to find that my dear ol' journal and photos are all gone.

I have reflected back upon my journal here at BL for years, and coming back to find that there are no longer journals but blogs kind of makes me sad. Yes, blogs are typically the same thing, but my journal here was full of so many good/bad memories that I am sad to see it gone.

Ah well, things change, the world revolves, and life goes on.

I will just fill this blog with memories for me to reflect on in the future, right?

Well, let's see. I'm no longer a doper, and although at times I do miss my junky lifestyle I am very happy for the new kind of life my recovery has afforded me. I didn't return to BL for quite some time because I felt it worked as a trigger for me, but am realizing now that nothing can trigger my addiction but myself.

Normally I blog over at The Atomic Mom, but in taking a sort of hiatus there I have decided to blog here for a bit. That blog is merely a "mommy blog" and not a whole lot of anything else goes on there.

I am pregnant with my second son. I couldn't get lucky enough to have a daughter, so I am going on this journey again. I hope that life provides me with two strong and healthy boys to look after me when I am old and feeble. My second son is due in March of 2010 and I am desperately seeking a name for him, so any help will be greatly appreciated.

That is as much of an update that I can provide you with for now, and probably more of one than you really wanted. Rest assured that you will here more from me. Much much more.

Ninevah

Here I sit with a ton of work to do, yet I cannot seem to buckle down and do it. I always feel bad when I can't get students' assignments corrected really quickly, as I remember what that was like when I was a student 92875984279 years ago. Still, sometimes there's just no intrinsic motivation to get it done. Therefore, here I am, posting here. Pointlessly (or perhaps not?) productive.

Today had its ups and downs. First of all, I have one class that is half filled with very motivated students who want to learn, while the other half remains the utter opposite. If I were the type of person who could disconnect herself from the slackers, I would be happier; I think this is why I shouldn't follow this career path - teaching ESL, if you're wondering exactly what I teach - forever. Regardless, I had them do an assignment and the results were fantastic from the go-getters and a complete disappointment from the others, namely due to the fact that they didn't even prepare their presentations. I put so much energy and effort into making my class the best it can be, and all they do is complain and not do anything I ask of them...it is really disheartening. This hasn't been the norm for me since I started teaching in Canada, however, so I need to learn to let it go. I'm working on just noticing emotions and then letting them go.

Still, one of my motivated students, a lawyer from Colombia, approached me after class and told me that their attitudes are absolutely terrible and was really kind to me. That is what I need to focus on -- that and the fact that most of the students I have are generally great!

However, the highlight of my day came when I decided to invite some of my adorable little Chinese students from my morning class to a costume shop to find Halloween costumes. The girls all tried on sexy costumes, which I advised them against (it's for a school function) until I actually saw them - the costumes were far too long and big to even be considered sexy. This amused me. They were adorable. They bought the costumes, too. I'll try to get photos.

I'm going as the grammar police. I think I'm going to put punctuation marks and grammar "tickets" on my belt. What's that, you say? I'm a nerd? Yep, sure am; a nerd of a dying breed, an appreciater of something that is now looked upon in the same light as art or poetry - a fantastic, useful vehicle for human expression that is of absolutely no interest to the majority. Sigh.

Comedic teacher moment of the day:

*Korean student presenting the recipe for a traditional Korean dish*

Saudi student: "Do you usually eat that with rice?"
Korean student: "Of course! Korean people always eat lice with everything. We think it's really delicious!"

I had an awful day today due to a minor event.

I overslept.

"HOLY SHIT!!!!" I hear you cry.

I was supposed to be at work at 9 and woke up at 1.

It's hardly surprising -- I hadn't slept for a few days (I'm wracking my brain to remember exactly when, but can't...). This isn't the first time this has happened, either

I went absolutely apeshit - I was so angry with myself.

I leapt out of bed screaming "fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck", crashed through to the living room punching the walls on my way, threw some stuff around (most notably a chair).
Not sure when I started crying, but definitely was sobbing inconsolably for most of the throwing. Bashed myself over the head with some objects, got a knife and cut myself (purely self harm, not suicidal).

All I could think was "stupid useless worthhless freak bitch".

Out comes the meph. I chucked a few grams on the table, separated an amount, grabbed a straw and got stuck in. Didn't even bother crushing the crystals out or making a line.

I guess it was a combination of hurting myself and wanting to feel better. It mostly did the trick.... I wasn't miserable for the rest of the day, but anxiety level is through the roof. It's like I'm fiending really badly all the time... even when I've just had some.

Things are ok with work. I sent my boss an email (I'm scared of phones).... I thought of some excuses, but in the end decided to be honest. Too honest - I didn't mention drugs, but I did say that I was "barely coping with life".
He was really nice about it. Much nicer than I deserve. He's on holiday for the rest of the week, but he said he'll talk to me about it next week.
So I have a few days to think about what I'm going to say.. and I guess I have to be sober on Monday -- on meph I'd suddenly decide THE TRUTH is a good idea.

My boss let me work from home that afternoon.... that, and the rest of the day, has just been continually rising stress levels, and bigger and bigger redoses for the very temporary relief.

I managed to get a hold of myself in the end, and reminded myself that meph is (now, not when I first started) hugely influenced by frame of mind. So I concentrating on stabilising that, relaxing, taking deep breaths etc etc, and to a large extent it has worked

Crap day though.

Snorted a few bumps of Ativan powder. Not a bad buzz really. Especially while trying to write a resume.

Its not so bad, really.

Not so bad at all.

Or "how it all got out of hand".

This is an honest account of my meph usage since I "discovered" it in March this year. Now I've written it, I wonder why the hell I'm giving this info. It's only going to invite flaming.

Before you flame me:

I don't think this is cool. Or good. Or even fun. I am terrified by my consumption, and I really, really want to stop.
"Just stop then"
is not helpful.


23rd March Ordered my first 2g of meph after lots of reading on BL and agonising over methylone vs mephedrone.
Sessions often lead to staying up all night, but never more than 1 night. Usually involve about 300mg total spread over a few bombs and little tiny mini lines.

24th April
Order another 2g.
Usage same.

End of April
Buy and try some methylone. Unimpressed.

Early may
Meet some local mephheads.
http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/showpost.php?p=7117287&postcount=99
These are not stupid guys, but they have the whole "YAH YAH LET'S CAIN IT HAAARRDD!!" bravado thing. First time I've come across people like that - genuinely really nice people who like to get very fucked.
Used up the rest of my meph and M1 at their after-party.

Also went to the BL meetup in London, where I met my soon-to-become boyfriend mugabe.

Here's where it starts to escalate
28th May
Order 2g

Still taking small doses (I didn't weigh them, but they were approx 100mg bombs) -- but this is when I started taking a baggie of bombs to work with me to avoid the comedown.

10th June
Order 5g

I think I had about 3g in 3 days (no sleep) and mugabe had the other 2g.

Heavy.

June was insane. That's the month I made taking meph at work a regular thing.
Justification thought #1. "Hmm, I'm bored this evening. Really bored. I think I'll have some meph! It's a work night, but I'll get some sleep somehow, so it's not so bad"

#2 "Doh, it's 4am. I might as well stay up now, I'll feel worse if I sleep"

#3 "I'll take a few small bombs to work with me so I don't crash and fall asleep" (total impossibility -- meph keeps me awake for 12 hours after last dose)
#4 "Home sweet home. That wasn't too bad, think I coped ok. Will have a bigger dose to get nicely fucked and have some fun. Might as well, since I'm already on it. I'll sleep tonight, so it's not so bad"

Go to #1, and you have June.

Mugabe and I agreed that we're taking too much too often and that we need a break. Decide to stop until 1st August (5 weeks away).

I go through my 10 days of hell meph crash. I wanted to kill myself by day 7 - I thought it'd never get any better.
I made these posts when i finally felt better.

"I feel better!"
http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/showpost.php?p=7298581&postcount=25

"I don't know if I'll do meph again"
http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/showpost.php?p=7298629&postcount=27

"I know I'll do meph again"
http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/showpost.php?p=7298645&postcount=29

Pretty much sums up the problem: "I hate myself for it... but in my heart, I know that come August 1st, I'll somehow condone a meph bender."

We lasted a month, til 24th July, not 1st August. But in that month we did a great great variety of drugs! For me, none of them matched up to meph. I remember saying "ket isn't as good as meph" -- mugabe looking gorgeously bemused at the comparison - no doubt everyone else agree that it's a weird one. Sunlight isn't as good as cheese.

I don't have my order history for August - I guess mugabe paid for those. I know that it was almost all at the weekends, occasionally spilling over onto a Monday. This was good, compared to June.

At this point a 5g bag between us would last us 1 session. I don't mean 1 day - I mean Friday afternoon through to Sunday night. No sleep. Not great.

A few times we finished the bag on Saturday afternoon and went and bought more locally, for £20 a gram.

That said, although we were probably causing ourselves no end of damage, it wasn't interfering with our lives. I took GBL most evenings recreationally, and found that the rebound from that plus a load of caffeine pills and coffee was enough to keep me awake at work. There was no comedown to speak of, just tiredness.

Then came the END... September... when we made our BULK buy. And I do mean BULK.

The day it arrived, we oohed and aahed at the big bag... drew a smiley face on it, and "sampled" it.
I hadn't realised that running out was the only thing that stopped us usually. After all, a 2g bag lasted me a month not so long before.

I think the "sampling" was a 3 day binge, then sleep, then another few days. Lasted just over a week.

We were still measuring our usage then.... we got through about 10g each in that week.

Then we again said:

"WE WILL BE SENSIBLE FROM NOW ON".

I was again struck down by the almighty meph comedown. We stopped on a Sunday, and rather surprisingly we made it to Friday. I had a beer at work (contract celebration thing) and it put me in a LET'S GET FUCKED mood.

That lasted another week or so. Eventually I stayed awake for 4 nights in a row and went mental. Hallucinations were quite nice for a bit - but then it all got a bit nasty.

I set 4 alarms for work the next morning but slept through all of them. Pissed off and a bit scared by my binge, I vowed... blah blah

By now the comedown was REALLY HURTING.
Mugabe did a line one day while I was at work... instantly felt guilty and told me. I used it as an excuse to have some too. And here we are.... I don't think there's been a day without meph for.... well, a long time.
The quantities are through the roof too. For example, today, starting from midnight (this is just guessing -- my memory is hazy and I didn't weight most of the bombs):
2 bombs ~150mg
1 line ~75mg
1 bomb ~150mg
Slept for a bit.
1 bomb ~250mg
4 bombs (work) ~100mg
1 line ~50mg
1 bomb ~200mg
1 bomb ~325mg
1 bomb ~150mg

That's nearly 2g. So 14g a week.... 60g a month... That can't be right!!!!

I think it is though.

How am I still alive?

I'm on suboxone again.

the only reason I wasn't was because I ran out and hadn't been to the doctor in like 3 months. So I had a week long w/d, high, w/d, high, w/d, high schedule.

long enough to remind me that I like being on suboxone much more than I like the uncertainty of being on dope without a steady supply of money.

that's about it for now. my blog was lonely, so I decided to make a post. it feels better now. :D

Ma quando lei mi tocca ama questo....
E lei mi tiene ciò ama...

Se la bacio ama questo
E se lei bisbiglia come che era non perso tempo fa Ma è tutto ritorna a me...

I miei baci sarebbero tuttavia benvenuto farebbe il mio abbraccio la porta tuttavia conforta li ha fatto mai?

So che questo non può essere sano. So che potrei trovare qualcuno che non farebbe me il uncertian. Che non sarebbe d'altra parte molto divertimento. Non capisco l'appello, so appena che la vita non sarebbe molto divertimento senza lei. Lei è il conforto tra la tensione, i tempi facili tra il duro.

La voglio mi volere.
Ho bisogno di lei per avere bisogno di me. Desidero per mi che desiderare.

So nessuno di questo mai sarà, Lei non crede che esso mai potrebbe essere, Lei non crede che lei mai potrebbe
essere, l'un meritevole del mio tempo.

LEI È!

Ancora oltre tutto questo. Oltre tutto il ragionamento di unfound. Lei mi vuole tuttavia intorno... Intorno a ma appena distante. .... O è che appena una facciata. ... Qualcosa di falso appena di essere finché qualcosa viene meglio avanti? So come il paranoide che sembra, ma lei deve capire dove vengo da. ... Quanto l'ha doluto ha installata in me. ... Lei neanche si preoccupa, che duole anche più. ...

Ho sentito stupendo le parole dalla sua bocca. Era una volta o l'era due volte? Non ho mai pensato una scusa mai potrebbe sembrare per stupire. ...
Spero appena che lei l'ha significato realmente.

Farla sa anche che lei fa....




my italian sucks and I am sure i got alot wrong, but i just don't care. oh and i think i femminized the HE lol.... it's a HE not a SHE.

Looking over everything i've done so far all the shit i been through. i can say life has thrown quite a few curve balls but overall my life is pretty good. ive done so much stuff other people never even dream about and sure im not rich or famous or even in a good spot right now but i am alive. if i were to die today without accomplishing anything else i'd be happy just for being alive. sometimes i forget this and get sad or angry and by the time i remember i feel stupid for forgetting. there is beauty in everything just look and see it even in the worst situations. at least thats what ive seen, there might be a few POW's or sumtn to disagree but for the most part people take too much for granite including myself.

No more meph: Saturday 6th November

That's a bit of a way off..... I didn't really choose the date -- it's the earliest that I could get time off work. I'm NOT going to work through this, not again.

Looking on the bright side:

• This gives us plenty of time to get rid of all the meph.
• Time for reading about addiction, ways of kicking it, and ways of dealing with comedowns (it's basically a 10 day comedown!)
• Time to figure out coping strategies etc

Of course, I'm also immensly relieved that I don't have to stop TODAY, or in the near-near future. I can't deny that, but I reguse ot put it in the "bright side" list.

I suppose it could look as if I'm stalling. "I'll quit next week....month.....year......".
Isn't saying "I'm not stalling" a bit like saying "I'm not in denial?".
There's no intention of continuing though, definitely not.... if nothing else, believe my sincerity....

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

I said that to mugabe just now; he said "I don't believe in heaven or hell". Good answer

why do I make such retarded choices every time I drink one of these fuckin Joose things?

a 24 oz energy drink fortified with 10% alcohol. brilliant.



sorry

I'm much happier when I'm alone but alone is dangerous for me right now. They say the 'disease' is at its strongest when we isolate but the thing is, people just get on my fuckin' nerves. Plain and simple.

'They' also say 'Principles before Personalities'. Well, I guess I have different principles (or none at all).

I walk taller when I walk by myself.
I speak clearer when I am by myself.
I see more good in the distant stranger when by myself.

When I am with a group:
I slouch with self-doubt
I don't speak my mind as often as I should
I see the bad in the close 'friend'

Am I different than the others that are in the rooms I frequent? Maybe I'm just looking for reasons to disqualify myself from personal growth and potential freedom.

Life requires interaction with all different types of people on a frequent basis. Maybe the discomfort of socialization is helping me deal with the reality that THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD OTHER THAN MYSELF. There is no escape from that. So I gotta learn.

I do know that this is the exact opposite of my behavior when I was using. I didn't socialize at all unless it was the rare instance I used with others. I was with myself, by myself unless absolutely necessary back then.

Now I gotta deal with people and their ridiculous flaws (as if I'm not ridiculously flawed myself).

Well, I didn't use today so I must be doing something right.

Day 65 and it IS getting easier. I AM seeing tiny little bits and pieces of real, hardcore benefits to this new lifestyle I have chosen.

I still think about that needle every fucking day but I don't think of it as often.

I wish I could withdraw from people but I don't have that kind of luxury. I need to do things differently NOW if I truly want to be okay someday.

The following post has been extremely helpful to me on more than one occasion. I hope you are well DrugWench:

http://bluelight.ru/vb/showpost.php?p=6450829&postcount=70

I quit Saturday 14th November.

That's a long way off..... I didn't really choose the date -- it's the earliest that I could get time off work. I'm NOT going to work through this, not again.

Looking on the bright side:

• This gives us plenty of time to get rid of all the meph.
• Time for reading about addiction, ways of kicking it, and ways of dealing with comedowns (it's basically a 10 day comedown!)
• Time to figure out coping strategies etc

Of course, I'm also immensly relieved that I don't have to stop TODAY, or in the near-near future. I can't deny that, but I reguse ot put it in the "bright side" list.

I expect this will beinterpreted by some as stalling - "I'll quit.... next year". More about that in a minute. Let me deal with the "we have time to get rid of all the meph" thing first. I know this doesn't sound good -- if there is still some left at the beginning of that week, won't I just have a mephy holiday? I won't go into it -- but trust me, there will be NO MEPH here that day.

"You're just stalling"
To me, saying "no I'm not" to this is about as valuable as "no, I'm not in denial!".

Just to be absolutely clear - I have no intention of coming up with an 'I'll quit next....year".

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

If nothing else, please believe my sincerity, and realise that point these things out won't actually change them.

It's a possibility that we will somehow justify carrying on. I have to admit that, or I'd just be lying to myself. I think being more honest about my own failures is a good thing....

I've believed in myself and my ability to change so many times. "I can do this". But when I quit drinking, I was at the point where I was afraid I'd never, ever be free of it. So self belief isn't necessary.

Likewise with my boyfriend. I must remember that believing in him and being vocal about it is a bad thing.

Saying "no, you have no self control, you'll fail" might goad someone into "proving you wrong", but that's a pretty unhealthy sounding relationship.

In the past I've always totally and truly believed in his ability to resist - sometimes correctly, generally not. I thought that being "supportive" would buoy his confidence in himself and hence self control.
But it's not just about self control. Sometimes it's just impossible, the temptation, craving, and situaion is too much....

Upshot:

• I "learn" that he can't be trusted
• He feels shit and guilty

Me being me, I've very rarely expressed any negative feeling to him about this. Actually, I'm very rarely even annoyed -- I know how easily it can happen and god knows I've broken enough "no more meph" promises. Less consciously his failures give me buffer room to fail too.

I've been reading lots about addiction, and the general consensus seems to be that in that situation I should yell at him. Make him feel shitty.
I assume the idea is that he'l make a negative association with meph -- meph gets him told off.

This wouldn't work with me. Taking the meph made me feel GOOD. It's the promise I made and the yelling that made me feel bad -- and I don't really associate the two together.
I'll ask him what his view is!

The one that is more clear cut but equally hard is the "I did something really stupid when I was on meph". I've always reacted to that in the "nice" way -- comfort, hugs, minimisation of the event, a bnit of humour and a change of subject.
I think it's pretty clear that that's the wrong thing to do now. But it's so hard to see someone you love in pain and not want to make it better.

Seems this is all general relationship stuff - how we treat each other - that applies equally to his behaviour towards me. I can guess where he stands on most of this, but will do the obvious thing and ask him
I only wish I could do it sober. We're both far too "understanding" on meph. But it's preferable to a comedown conversation -- he'd look bored yet irritated and give me one word answers, at which point I'd burst into tears. Ahhhhh, emotional instability, yay.