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I miss the look of surrender in your eyes
The way your soft black hair felt
I miss the power of your kiss when we kissed
But baby most of all

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

I miss the colors that you brought into my life
Your golden smile, those gentle brown eyes
I miss your gentle voice in lonely times like now
Saying it'll be alright

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

I miss those times
I miss those nights
I even miss the stupid emo shit
The making up
The talks
And those walks and photographs.

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with.....

It's been awhile since I posted anything in this journal. I couldn't keep my abstinence. I couldn't survive the withdrawal as I had expected after all. So, when the time came and I had to go to the university I got terribly high on my first day and it continued during following weeks...

I had enough of it. I decided to seek some help without losing one year. I couldn't bear it - say 2 weeks at the detox in the hospital with all types of junkies physically addicted one can imagine, then finally I would be put on a program... Great! But what about the rest of the academic year! Fucking ruined. And months of watching my ceiling...

Well, the only psychiatrist, that also is a chief of the detox in the hospital, didn't help me much at the clinic. He said there was no such a program I made up. The thing is I didn't mention any program... Well, he must have been listening to his thoughts while I was talking because he sure noticed when I told him I was on 100mg of morphine taken twice a day i.v.'ed or 20mg of levorphanol i.m.'ed as he took notes. But then he must have forgotten all I'd said or didn't know what levorphanol is thinking 'why this guy combines morphine with some weak shit?'... So he tells me all he can offer me is tramadol having heard me telling him about buprenorphine sublingual tablets (not Suboxone which is exclusive to programs, Polish tablets buprenorphine-only).

I got out of there with a prescription for 4g of tramadol for my 200mg morphine/20mg levorphanol addiction... I bought those 4g at chemist's... And as I remembered tramadol, it was the same. Terrible headache, nauseous as hell and no relief, no sign of opioid activity...

I left those tramadol capsules and got back to my habit. Luckily I got some buprenorphine that should either get me out of this or I will stay on it for a longer time. I can't get high off this, I can't get high off anything else while on it, I don't ruin my veins and muscles anymore. There is no way I can abuse it because all I feel from it is just relief from any withdrawal symptoms. This is better than methadone in this respect as I tried numerous times to get on a steady dose of methadone but failed and started to abuse it. With no effects at 8mg and the ceiling effect of buprenorphine I am safe now. Sure I could lay it off and wait for any signs it wore off and score. But I don't feel any urge to do so. And that's good. That's good.

I'm on meds to help me mellow the fuck out, but i think they might have a depression side effect.

I miss all my friends like mad.

Vanessa lives in London, so unless I can find the cash to get out there with me and my 4yr old, I don't get to see her.

Terry and I are, on again off again, fight again, good again, nothing lasts longer than a couple days with us.

D, I never know what to make of you. I fell in love with you, I thought you were falling in love with me. We were having fun times hanging out. I love going out and and taking pictures with you of random things and of us. I also enjoy just hanging out at your place. Driving around in the truck, just sitting there with you. You are one of my bestfriends, you for some unknown reason help keep me calm like none of my medications can, and yet most days I feel like I am a burden to your life and you rather that I just get lost. Which probably is just silliness but I never know with you.

NO this isn't an emo night, I took my meds so no emo LOL just thinking of all my bestfriends and how it sucks that I rarely get to hang with them.

They are all totally fucking awesome but all have better things to do than hang with me.

damn, I feel loved. haha.

I wish i could have a good movie, popcorn and/or pizza and a certian friend to cuddle on the couch and enjoy a good movie.

Instead I am here alone watching Transformers.

yay! lol

In the new house. Thanks rangrz for helping. U bru.

So here's my first blog post. I'll make a point not to edit this. I just want to have something anonymous to look back on in the future, to see where I was at.

It's Saturday night and I have work tomorrow. I've been eating poppy pods almost every day for over a month, and for the past 2 weeks using Tramadol every day. Before that I was using oxycodone and hydrocodone. Temazepam is another daily vice. All last school year I was addicted to Focalin and Adderall, and now that I have both drugs in my possession legally, I have no desire for them. Downers have consumed my life. Poppy pods seem more important to me than school right now.

I've lost my motivation to try and achieve anything. I still have the drive to go to work, which allows me to have more money to buy drugs with. Otherwise, it all seems pointless. I can't even write anymore. I don't know what's wrong with me...

TRAVEL!

Tell us your tales of where you've been, where you wanna go, or anything related to TRAVEL.

Have at it!

...I have what I need

...I don't need to question motives

...I don't need to worry

...I needn't dwell on future possibilities

...I see the progress I have made

...I can accept the consequences of my past actions

but most of all... ...right now, I am truly enjoying the sound of my dog's content snoring

I spent Tuesday and Wednesday hanging out with Lydia (Bluelight's famous drug_wench), showing her the sights and sounds of my city, along with my incredibly bad driving skills (apparently I drove down a one-way street and almost ran a red light at an intersection, but I got her home safely in the end!). We both managed to avoid using meth, which was quite an achievement considering we're both self-confessed meth-heads. It was an awesome couple of days.

TV documentaries about meth addiction will make you start craving badly.

You should really stop watching them.

Tomorrow will be the first day of November and the leaves are all yellows and reds and falling from the trees, blanketing the ground and I guess, I’ve been told, the tourists love to talk about them and come to see them but then they go home, out of state maybe, and they don’t have to spend their entire Sunday raking them, bagging them, don’t have to worry about slipping on some matted down wet ones and banging their knee off the curb, getting a citation for burning them in a metal trash can in their yard, don’t have to ride around on the packer all day collecting them, tons of them, for the entire month, everyday, every night, in the dark.

It’s windy right now and unusually warm. A few of the trees, maples, oaks, sway a bit when the wind really picks up looking like they could fall over at any second but they won’t and somebody’s wind chime clanks around, a car engine fires up down the street as somebody sits in it and turns the key in the ignition, a child screams somewhere but it isn’t the type of scream you have to be worried about. Tonight all the clocks will be turned back an hour and 7 o’clock will become 6’oclock and 6’oclock 5, and so on and so forth, and night time will come much earlier and everyday everything will feel a little bit sadder.

My stomach growls and I feel hungry. I stare at some fruit I bought a week ago but never touched. The bananas are overripe but the apples are probably still good, also the nectarines and the grapes. There is a sugar pumpkin that I could roast with some honey, brown sugar, cardamom, but I don’t think I have any of that so i’ll just stare at it some more until it rots and then, what?

I want to quite my job. I want to get out of debt. I want to buy a new car, a Lexus GS 350, and drive it across the southern part of the country, heading west. I want to go back to Venice and be able to drink the wine. I want to revolutionize the sanitation industry, I want to turn myself into half a machine, I’m a monster, I want to stop aging. I want to be healthy again. I want to go back ten years and tell the idiot me that I was all the things I know now, of the unavoidable doom, of the car wrecks and the injuries, surgeries, the overdoses and the possession charges and the deaths of lovers and the deaths of emotions, I want to tie him down to a chair and tell him NOW LISTEN! but he won’t, no matter what, he’ll still do the same shit and end up playing lead idiot in the same catastrophes.

The phone rings. I look at the name on the screen and then put it back down on the desk. The second hand of the backlit digital clock on the coffee pot goes around, around. Click. Click. Click. Click. The phone stops ringing and then vibrates to let me know I have a new voice message. I want to put my phone down on the street and run it over with my car. I want to drive my car to the edge of a mountain cliff and put it in neutral and push. I want to pull the fire alarm out in the hallway and then put a lit match to the kerosene soaked couch. I want to have chronic laryngitis. I want to lose all feeling in my extremities. I want to go blind, go deaf, forget how to walk.

The voice on the message says look, you gotta call me right back. It says, where the fuck are you? If I sit completely still and hold my breath I can hear what sounds like maybe a plane flying overhead, or maybe it’s the plumbing. The ancient, intricate heating system, the buildings furnace. One of the old ladies below me taking a shower or washing her dishes. A boeing 777 just leaving the airport heading nonstop to somewhere warm, with resorts with pools, beaches, women in bikinis, people in a band playing music with smiles on their faces and when you touch down and they beg you to stay they say, everything you’ll ever need is here and then two days later you’re sitting on the beach hearing nothing but the surf, totally, completely relaxed and you start looking at your hands, flipping them over, over and thinking, I have to get the fuck out of here.

Call me right back or fucking forget it, the person says on the voicemail. They tell me, I don’t have all day for this shit. And they sound angry but they never mean a word that they say.

You spend your entire life searching for what you think is the right answer but the truth is, and you’ve always known, there isn’t one. There is only what you choose to believe. There is no god. There is no plan. Pick a god, any god, and believe he will save you. Choose a path, any path, and believe it was meant to be. You start regretting everything you’ve done, you start second guessing yourself and never feel committed to a decision anymore, and you pray to the fucking wall that things will just somehow feel right again but they won’t. Am I supposed to do this job for the rest of my life? Am I really meant to be a father? Am I meant to call this person back? Should I burn all my possessions? Is any of this shit even real?

It’s the uncomfortable something you can feel rotting your core while you wait for the bartender to put the double scotch in front of you. It’s the longest half a second of your life right when the plunger goes down before the rush hits and you think, what the fuck is wrong with me? It’s the sick feeling you get when you finally blow your load and you look down at the pale flesh of some whore you’ll never know past the end of the hour. It’s the moment you realize you’ve been dreaming and you’re now awake, real, laying fully clothed on some mattress without any sheets.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things somebody else swears are true
Courage to leave my will, myself, my identity and everything I know behind
And the ignorance to smother my wisdom

Amen

Just waiting on My parents and my brother to call today they are close then I will call D and then we can get this shit rolling.

Should only take 2-3hrs hopefully. At most.


YAY Out of the shit box FINALLY!!!!! :D


Next blog will be from my new house :D

It's Halloween and I guess that is cool? Holidays are not as exciting as they were when I was a kid, especially Christmas. Now when Christmas rolls around I could really care less! But when I was a youngun, it was my favorite time of year by far. My birthday is December 2nd, so from Thanksgiving thru New Years was always a really fun time for me. Now as a "grown up" I actually kind of dislike the holiday season. One reason for this is because my Grandpa died on 12/26/00 and he and I were pretty close.
Anyhoo today has been fairly good. I went to pick up my dose along with my Sunday carry for just the second time even though I've been at THS (my MMT clinic) for like 4 months. The reason for this is I couldn't afford a lockup box until recently. I would just go without the Sunday carry before. Not having it really didn't matter to me; it's not like I got dopesick or anything from not having a dose for one day.
While I was waiting to go inside and dose this morning a really hot girl was behind me and I talked to her and I had butterflys!!! I am so shy around females hahaa I don't know why,..I really have no reason to be shy! I told her to have a good day and she said 'you too!" heheh yay. That's just about all that has happened today, I'm off to check on the O.D. forum ;D

Pourquoi devez-vous êtes si têtu ?

My flatmate asked me to aquire for him 15 trips, which I did then promptly lost all of them out of my pocket. At work. They could have gone anywhere, but at least they weren't in the Pathologist's car I went out in to various hospitals.

So they are either in the hands of the police or some lucky bastard who can't believe his luck!

And that left me to pay him back which I can't afford to do. I'll just have to figure out how to live for the next fortnight somehow.

I nwont be getting for anyone else again!!

I was going to write about side effects. Then I babbled. Then I decided that babbling was a side effect. I think this is the 10th time I've written this sentence, keep editing and re editing and generally fucking about. Grrr. Here's to "IM COMPLEETLY CLEARR HEADED ON MEPHADRONE LOL HAHA OMG WTF BBBQ!!!!!111"

Don't read it, it ain't worth your time.

I will make a decent blog about side effects -- it will be good to have when I stop.

One of mephedrone's many shitty side effects is the loss of vision. Tunnel vision , with white mist over the remaining peephole and bright flashes at the edges.
Guess what you can't see if you have tunnel vision. Yup - DOWN. Unless I stare downwards, I fall over EVERYTHING. Not good in shops.

It goes back to normal after a couple of days if I sleep, gets much worse with fluorescent lighting - I don't think staring at a monitor constantly helps either.

This only started the last few weeks.... so if you're a meph abuser it's something to look forward to, whee.

Not much going on with me at the moment, so figured I'd whinge about some of the side effects of meph abuse. Then for some reason I went off on a long, long ramble about self pity.... the two aren't directly related, I wasn't actually going to "whinge".

A couple of people in the EADD meph addiction thread have said that I'm too full of self pity. I didn't reply and agree because that seems like such a drugged-up-arse-kissy thing to do, but I guess I am. There mut be times when my "poor me" attitude holds me back.
Mugabe is a fan of his quotes - he often says to me "you can't drive forward looking in the rearview mirror".
Ignoring the fact for now that passing a driving test in the UK involves staring in the mirrors exclusively, perhaps this is something I should start taking note of. Many people have complained at my tendency to look c=backwards before now- just he managed to phrase it in a way that didn't turn me into a hissing spitting ball o rage.

The truth is, I had a shit time growing up. A really shit time. And I feel like I haven't done whatever it is I need to do to be at peace with that. I think maybe there is no resolution, no magic words or perfect therapy that will suddenly make it all better.
So I feel sorry for myself. I don't think I define myself by those awful things in the past -- I just want a bit of sympathy.

On an unrelated note

I told a friend about meph this week - a friend who up until now didn't know that I took drugs (just one of those un-talked-about things). He took it remarkably well -- seemed satisfied that I had a plan to quit.

Sure, he's not going to be my first port of call for drugs advice, but he's quietly supportive and hey, it's a lot easier than lying. I'm glad I went out on a limb and told him. I think in most circumstances, confiding in your non-druggy-friend just means losing a friend (although you could argue that you were really friends to begin with.

Just a little snoo

I was gonna blog about the side effects of mpeh abuse today, honestly!! I guess I can't categorise this under Or can I? Self indulgent rambling - one of the better observed effects.....

----------------
Sleeping dreams hum in rhythm
inside
a shout of help
around, a stolen spine lay somewhere round
------------------
different photos
life reenacting resurrecting
relived unintentions

spinning spinning spinning inside a ball - unbreakable.
------------------
if one could invoke the strength of herculean might
pulling ones own hair could be a delight
------------------
a bald- lacking breathe wench
a monster any child would fear to be
on halloween
------------------



If i would receive the most thoughtful gift
it would be water proof pen and paper

i get these tunes in my head of winding words
with impeccable form
and when the time comes to record
it all comes out like dribbling piss from a catheter.


I delighted in a demerol twilight.
to bring back down my haste and vulgar

I read about queen elizabeth.
i relate all too well with the fire of temper

if my words were a​

tangible weapon
the shrill is like napalm

unfortunately, not just the intended victims get burned

inside something gets taken away.
erased

i must recall, all is not what it seems
and have faith

its like sometimes the universe and all
and after forgiving and forgetting the day

there was some part of you that was

not returned​

and one day it all flows through you
burning within and all around interfering

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh​

just wanting to be free of something like everything

why cant i pull myself out of the messes i put myself in

why does it seem my own shadow ran away

where is that great embrace
real love

i haven't endeavored in a psychedelic for seemingly an insurmountable time

but i concerned about my fragility in psych

as though the entire world where invisible to me and i to it

one of these days you and me universe will be together again- in love again with one another. all passions rushing through and healing all burdens. my back a feather my feet wings. my hands the most beautiful tools of engineering and my mind blossoming into that gorgeous genius sweetest flower. i long for these days. i will have those days again - for always this time.

this week i have been trying to expand my circle of friends by hanging out with some new people... we went pumpkin carving and then trivia night with some people vgoraz knew from OH. but it ended up that the one dude ended up recognizing me from a bar i used to hang out at, and another guy graduated from my high school two years before me. it made me feel weird because i got all worried that they would hold my previous actions against me (whatever those would be). and i was worried that i didn't act properly or did something weird or something wrong.

then tonight i invited some coworkers over to celebrate me leaving my job. which is somewhat convoluted logic, but actually makes sense in this situation. but i spent the better part of the night worrying if i was doing everything correctly. then i said the word bottle funny (i say boTTle, with am emphasis on the T) and they started cracking up. i am pretty sure it was all in fun, but it made me feel super awkward.

i am not amused with these feelings. for a long time these sort of interactions were getting easier for me and less odd. but it seems like i am going backwards and struggling more with being social. but if i am not hanging out with people, i begin to feel depressed and worthless. wtf is going on in my head?

I was sharing at a meeting tonight how it has been 68 days since I have used but I still have thoughts and cravings. I know that they will leave and eventually stop hitting me this frequently but, what the fuck? Its been 68 days, shouldn't they be fucking gone by now?

Dude told me that it is a form of withdrawal. A type of 'mourning' if you will. He says that this is common to miss 'the good parts' of my addiction (the pleasant feelings, the intense rush, the excitement of the chase, etc.).

My drug using days are over, so I mourn. I guess this a part of 'acceptance'. I know I am getting better but it seems I am being impatient. I want to be well NOW. Completely fixed and okay. This is unrealistic, I know, but as a dude that has this addiction thing going on, I'm not patient. I want things to happen immediately.

As time passes, with me not using, I will get better. I didn't fuck myself in one day so it will take more than one day to unfuck myself.

I guess I'm angry that I'll never be that guy who can use 'every now and then'. I've proven to myself time and time again. I've abused the privilege of using drugs. I just can't use them and live a happy, peaceful life.

Now I need to learn how to live. I've removed the drugs but haven't really replaced the spot that they held with anything.

This will get easier and I need to remember that in order to get through it I need to go through it.

Someday I'll be patient.

Someday I'll be better at acceptance.

Just not today, I suppose.

And now I have another day clean.

Well finally visited the doctor for my anxiety. He decided to perscribe me Clonazepam and Cipralex.

0.5mg Clonazepam
10mg Cipralex

Both twice daily.


All day I've been feeling the anxiety getting to me. I took 0.5mg of Clonazepam at 6:00pm and it's now 6:47pm and I am starting to feel much more relaxed than I have been in quite awhile.

I don't start the Cipralex for 1 week because the doctor wants the clonazepam to kick in a work for awhile before starting the drug that's most likely going to make me feel worse before better.

I hope this works, I have been suffering from my anxiety since at least 1991/2 (that it was noticeable to me). Though I was showing early signs around 1988.

Not sure if I'm glad or not to have the label attached to what I have, "Social Anxiety" and "Mild Panic Disorder".

Heache- gone
Jittery- gone
feeling anxious- gone
feeling cold all the time- pretty much gone
that wound up feeling - pretty much gone
sweaty hands - still have (but it might just be too hot in here).
Dizziness, feeling faint - gone

This is going to be a challenging next 2 weeks. Not because of the meds. Austin is going to notice changes and will most likely test the waters in what he can NOW get away with. I know clonazepam has a side effect of possible anger issues, I already have anger management issues but related to my anxiety...so i wonder if the anger management will worsen or get better...?
we'll see...

Here's to hoping for the better...

give me back my salt! you evil fucktard!! & fu. ( _ ) " hfhfhnffh"

!@#$%^&*(

doiewrh4w98y5nOQ*ue03wojrneaopjkmdjjw984385r03q8wN98409804J20

i need a goddamn spine im so indecisive and i hate it another reason to beat the hell out of myself. i just cant though i dont know why. fuck!!!!!!!!!! i guess it wil pass soon enough im tired of it though just waiting for my decisions to make themselves its like torture and im the only one who can stop it but i just cant find the courage. years of abusing body and ego only made things worse. why? Why still do it? how does it help? i can see the flaws but too paralyzed by fear to help myself. i know this is my problem and i dont need help fixing it. i know i have to pick myself up but sometimes id rather sink into the dirt and dissapear. but that would be the easy way out and i know better than that. just needed to write it down so i cant look away anymore time for action do something for yourself stop wasting......................

Hi Everybody!

Hoptis asked me a while ago to paste in the selected bits of our e-mail discussions regarding the improvement of our little sub-forum. It's been a crazy week, so I haven't had a chance to get to it, but here it is:

Dave said:

As far as the suggestions for improvement, here's the short list so far:

* A direct link to blogs from the main page (and perhaps the forum list at www.bluelight.ru/vb as well) as well as/instead of the link in the 'Quick Links' section of the pulldown menu. Just as a means to improve visibility and access
* A 'Posting Guideline/Announcement' link (a la 'Other Drugs Guidelines') or other sort of Sticky post system for announcements
* A listing of who is moderating the area, so that posters can know to whom to address any issues/complaints


I was also wondering if there was a way to change the number of 'Recent Blogs/Comments' seen per page? As a nicety more than anything else. And if the poll functionality can be extended to Blogs? Not that we do much voting, but once a month we vote on the Topic of the Month, and the poll just looks more slick than the current setup.

From what I've heard, changes to the layout and what not in Blogs are not trivial, and as such I completely understand that these may not be able to be implemented, or if so not soon. I know how little time one can realisically can devote to BL . It's more of a wish list than anything else at the moment; nothing's broken, and none of the suggestions need to be implemented any time soon.

Click to expand...

hoptis said:

On the other issues, I'll try and look into all of those as soon as I can, some of them will be possible, some of them not. The polls one, at first glance, seems impossible but there are many workarounds for this, including the possibility of adding a notice to Blogs which directs people to a poll in a BL forum somewhere.

PS. Have you ever seen this?

http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/contactlist.php

I'll update it this weekend to remove spork, though I agree it would be nice to have the mods listed somewhere in Blogs too.

Also you should be aware, the home page for the Blogs module is here:

http://www.vbulletin.com/features_blog.php

Have a look at the demo of version 2.02. I hope to upgrade our Blogs to this version by year's end.

Click to expand...

Dave said:

Thanks for pointing out the contact list. In my nearly 10 years here I've never seen it, and think that it's great. I'll pass it on to the user who made that particular suggestion. The poll thing is probably the lowest priority thing in the pile; the way we are doing it now works well enough for our purposes.

Thanks as well for showing me the blog features list. I don't doubt that there are many features that I haven't used yet, and many more that most users don't use. I'll be sure to give that a good reading when I get a chance.

I think that's it for now. Talk to you soon!

Click to expand...

That's pretty well it for now. Hoptis is on vacation for another week yet IIRC, but this should be a good place to discuss potential improvements to Blogs in a manner more public than PMs.

To add another note: this month the topic of the month really seemed to fizzle. It was a good idea, but I haven't been around enough to properly promote the cross-forum idea. Do we want to keep going on with the 'sub-forum' themed months, just do regular themes, or can the theme of the month altogether? Personally I'd like to see it tried for another month at least, but I don't know how well the cross-forum theme idea is working. I just need to get out there and start talking up Blogs in places other than, well, Blogs.

So yeah, let's discuss these points, and add some more suggestions as we think of them, shall we?

...this is day 2 of not smoking. I'm doing it kind of cold turkey.

Yesterday I chewed a piece of 2mg nicotine gum for about 5 minutes. This morning I needed to chew half a piece because I accompanied a friend of mine to a court hearing for moral support and just couldn't hold back the cravings. Well, its not really cravings that are fucking with me, it is more of that on-edge, irritable discomfort that makes me pop a piece of gum.

Tell ya what, I absolutely CAN'T STAND people when I'm withdrawing from nicotine. I've been keeping my phone turned off these past two days for the simple fact that people are annoying. I don't want to hear about their problems, opinions or stories of how good/bad they are. I'm trying to make changes in my life. Quitting cigarettes is one of those changes.

Man, I truly want to punch someone sometimes. I figure in perhaps a day or two, this irritability will go away.

I hope so... I'm starting to question the nature of my character. These past few days are making me think that I am a complete, selfish asshole.

I'm gonna go to my meeting in about an hour, roll out as soon as its over, go home, pop an OTC sleep thing and go to bed with another successful day without cigarettes.

We'll see what happens.

How can we be expected to govern emotions with logic when emotions dictate logic?

We got shitted on here recently, the snow is still fucking coming down and it isn't supposed to stop until tomorrow evening. I'm dreading fucking going to work. The only thing I really have forward to look to right now is my paycheck. My first one was a fucking rip off, only got like 200 bucks on it and I had been working three god damn weeks. I was broke as fuck..shit I still am broke as fuck and i dropped my phone in a puddle and my ipod got wet the other night so that shit is all jacking up and this check isn't going to be enough to get me through another two weeks, I already know it. I already owe the bank $65.00 in fucking overdraft charges.