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Man, all of a sudden I'm the entertainment committee. Dude calls me up because he's bored and wants to do something. Thats cool and all but I need me time.

First off, I'm new at hangin' out with people I've just met.

Second, if I have something, I'll give it. Now people EXPECT me to give them things. Kinda pisses me off. No... it REALLY fuckin' pisses me off.

Third, I really don't like being around people all that much. I'm finally comfortable in my own skin again, I'd like to be by myself for a few days, hang with my dog and get all the things done that I've been putting off due to some bullshit obligation to others.

I can't work other people's program for them. They need to do their own work just like everyone else.

So what this dude is bored. I went through that as well. Being bored (and dealing with it) is an important part of this thing. In the past when we were bored we simply just used drugs to conquer that boredom.

Dude's gotta face it sooner or later. Being able to be still takes time and eventually, being comfortable with ourselves will follow.

I'm done with chasing after chaos. Don't involve me in yours.

I dunno. I guess I'm going through my own shit right now and am focusing MY shit onto others.

I still feel like I'm being taken advantage of.

There are some memories that are so difficult to forget, once forgotten they should not be awoken.

A conversation with my flat mate awoke a memory I have not been able to make peace with, something I have never been able to discuss with family, friends or my shrink. No one outside a circle of people that I and another from BL are aware of. I guess no one else but BL people could understand anyway.

I told Declan what my comprehension
Of what events occurred between Toddy and I was. How I dont know what it really was or what did happen to him. How it was the single most mentally damaging thing to happen to me so far. Ive been divorced, used like a bitch, beaten up, rolled, cheated on, assaulted, all bad things. But those things had a resolution of sorts. The disappearance of my trusted friend come lover did not have that closure.

I worked hard at getting better, getting it behind me and was at long last able to not think of him as a missing person until I actually told another human face to face about him and how confused and frightened I was. It all came back to haunt me.

So for 3 days now I have had no good sleep, no respite from the anxiety, no cessation for the need to know- where is he?

I wont ask Jody or Lara any more. I cant get any solid facts. Acceptance of the loss of a dream in such a fucked up way is the only thing I can do.

I hope this pain passes. But I doubt it will duds truly leave me. I am simply not able to truly forget what I never really understood.

The things I think of when bored..... lol

I got a GREAT idea..... but uh-uhhh not giving it away, after all you are a member Good Idea though

As I'm sure most of you know by now, me and Lydia (drug_wench) are now together as a couple. I've spent this week staying with her in Auckland, and it's been the best week I've had in a long, long time!

She was the first person I contacted when I joined Bluelight and we've been friends for a while now. Even though I hadn't met her in real life, I could tell she was a really kind-hearted person with an awesome personality, who was facing similar struggles to me. I noticed I was slowly getting feelings for her as we chatted online and texted each other over the year, but it wasn't until I met her a couple of weeks ago that I knew I was instantly attacted to her!

I desperately wanted to tell her how I felt about her, but I was scared that it would ruin the friendship - or at least make things very awkward! So the first time we met, we were basically just hanging out together as friends. I could tell she was sending signals to me, but I guess my insecure mind dismissed them and thought I was reading into things too much.

A day or two after I dropped her home, I sent her a text telling her I was in love with her. I was terrified, but I couldn't hold the feelings inside me any longer. A few minutes later I got a reply: "ffs babe, isn't it obvious? i've been feeling the exact same way!" :D

I don't really believe in fate, but it really does seem that Lydia and I were meant to be together. The last few years have been so difficult for both of us, but now it finally seems that we have the happiness we deserve. We each have someone to love, to support, and to keep us going. I used to have very little motivation to get healthy and quit using meth, but now I definitely do!

Life so complicated
So fustrating
Would you still love me
if you knew my secrets
I bet you would.

Heart beat so sequential
so unmistakable
I could hear it through the crowd
Constant beat like a techno dance floor.

Silken touch upon my hip
my frenzied heartbeat to match your own
my ear upon your chest
the place I most want to be.

The sound so heavenly to my ear.

When I am alone with my thoughts I think...

Why the fuck do I hold some of my thoughts or responses back with you? One time in particular, I said nothing at all.

At least I was honest this time and said what I thought. I just wish I didn't leave, I feel like a doofus and crappy for leaving but hey, meh well.... i'll be ok. Just stupidness as par my usual.

Someone asked me if I was scared of you. Instantly I said "Never", in a way that's not true, physically yeah Im not. Emotionally, dude, you scare the fuck out of me.

I know your not into the whole emo scene, so I won't write stuff on here. I just can't write it elsewhere, this blog is the one place where I can express my thoughts freely.

Sometimes I wish you read these things, but then again at times I'm glad you probably don't.

You once asked me, how I could like someone fucked up like you. Sweetheart, I'm just as fucked up as you. There are many things you don't know about me, my family, my life...as I am sure the same goes for you. I am fucked up in my own way too.

I just wish you had more LIFE self worth. Have no fear for nothing type thing, worries me sometimes about you.

I would hate to lose you in any way, by death or just stupidity. You are my greatest friend, you are more than that to me, you know I love you, but I know/guess that's not your type of thing right now...or ever.

Doesn't help with my fucked up situation here. ex's, kids, drama, almost constantly. I'm sorry things are a mess in my life. I know I shouldn't be sorry but I am. If they weren't I guess I would be a better friend/whatever.

I know you don't like the emo stuff, but your the fresh air in my life. You are not the easiest person to get along with at times, but you are the easiest to fall in love with.

My heart never changes, and I told you that once that I you and all that falling in stuff....

My heart will always you. As you will always be my greatest friend. Like I said I am a stubborn ass bitch and never give up on my friends or the people I love.

Now enough of the emo shit....LOL

I have shit to do, I have to continue this blog later.... grrr .... lol


GOD I'M FUCKED UP!!

and a nice mellow high...thank gawd fer the ganja...thank the ganja gods!!

Today, while out on my usual errands, I discovered that the local needle exchange gives away free condoms... even flavoured ones! How intriguing. I think I'll be visiting more often.

So for anyone unaware, I made some pretty steep resolutions this year.

-No Smoking, ever
-No Alcohol until May 8th
-No Sex until May 8th

May 8th being my Birthday. I figured I'd start a blog to chronicle my efforts because my friends will undoubtedly get sick of me bitching about how shitty my life is without these things, and here at least people can ignore me.

So, let's start at the beginning, or the beginning of the end. New Year's Eve:

We had plans to catch an early dinner at the Casino. Every New Year's Eve they have all-you-can-eat Lobster and I was ready to do some damage. We got there at around 8:00 and were told we'd have to wait until 10:30 to be seated. I told them they'd have to fuck off and I was going home to order Chinese food. We spent the ride home debating on whether to go out for the night or stay in. We were only a 20 minute drive away from the second largest ball-drop in the country, but we didn't want to deal with the crowds. I didn't anyway. I always seem to get myself in trouble when I'm out on New Year's Eve.

So it'd be a night on the couch with Chinese and 4 bottles of Riesling, thank God. I was looking forward to a quiet night in. We ate, we got drunk, we watched TV. At one point she mentioned she had to go to the bathroom and left the room. Either I was so drunk I didn't notice how long she was gone or she just changes amazingly fast, because when I heard her walk back into the room I looked up and saw that she was wearing a black and pink corset, black knee-high stockings, and black panties. The corset had two black ribbons that went from the front above the breasts and over the shoulders to tie in a bow around the neck. The panties had pink ruffles right above the ass. She gave a mischievous grin and a wink, took a sip of her wine, and then walked into the bedroom. I sat there for a good 20 seconds gawking at the wall before my muscles got the message from my brain to move. NOW.

I walked(see:stumbled) to the bedroom and there she was, sitting on the bed with that same little sexy grin. To say I pounced on her would be an understatement. It reminded me of a Gazelle getting wtfpwned by a stalking lion in the plains of Africa on the Discovery Channel. I sunk my teeth so deep into her shoulder I'm surprised I didn't draw blood. She let out a high-pitched yelp(she loves it when I bite) but apparently wasn't ready to let me take control just yet. She pushed me off of her and pinned my arms down to the side of the bed, then SLOWLY went down on me. Fucking torture! I only lasted about 5 minutes before I couldn't take it anymore and picked her up, threw her on the bed, and ravaged the hell out her. When we were done she said "Happy New Year." I went out into the living room, smoked my last cigarette, and finished my last glass of wine.

That the last time I enjoyed my three vices in 2008.

im tired of going out there looking for something that i've already found.

living weekend to weekend with no end

i feel like giving up, letting it all go,
even if i change everything
everything will still stay the same

Thanks for the laughs and the other stuff.... I`m glad your ok. I miss u though, emo sounding or not...

THE BEANS BABY, HEINZ!! LuLz!

Moving in with the most amazing girlfriend I could ever have asked for at the end of the month. First time I've lived with a girlfriend... lots of firsts and anxieties this past year and everything has worked out fantastic. Start an M.B.A. program next summer, so much exciting happening. Still lurking at Bluelight, just not getting into posting. Long term plans include a move to Asheville, NC with the girlfriend... can't wait for that long-term reality!

Insomnia sucks. It's 1am and I've got a busy day planned for tomorrow, so I'm trying to get a decent amount of sleep. But seriously, I can't even remember the last time I had a good night's sleep without the aid of medication. And I'm so tolerant to the stuff, it's pretty much worthless anyway. 5 zopiclone tablets haven't even touched me tonight. So far, I'm resisting the urge to take seroquel which will knock me out quickly but make me a total zombie the next day.

*grumble grumble*

firstly......

drug_wench and Sweet P are now......TOGETHER

we thought this out so dont think....ahh typical impulsive methheads - weve bn getting to know each other for awhile over txt/PM mainly but also MSN and even the phone
we eventually realised we were falling for each other - oneday i kinda hinted to her she was the best friend i had in NZ tbh (wat i really meant was....unlike all my other friends, i not only found her interesting and easy to talk to - something i see as perfect in a relationship - but i also....wasnt able to tell her this but.....was falling for her)

it turned out, she was feeling the same!

wen we finally met up, i went with her overnight to stay in her (fairly close....1.5hrs or less by car) city
we had so much fun together - wen i met her at the door i was almost shocked by how gorgeous she was IRL (had only seen pics!)
we talked and talked and talked all day the first day (i even missed my dose of benzos cos i was too busy talking so.....had to double-dose and fight some mega anxiety - she helped me thru it by taking me for a walk round her neighbourhood/smoking a bowl of weed)

next day we had equaly as much fun - never an awkward moment - lots of cuddles (i wanted to b close to her and vice versa...only i didnt know that part!)

u get the picture - i was dying to tell my best friend i was in luv with her (id kinda hinted - she knew im bisexual and prefer women.....i even nearly fondled her breast while hugging......i was like 'whoops' but left it on long enough to kinda show i 'didnt mind' ...etc)
then i was telling her by text daily how i missed her and we had so much in common, etc, etc - i said i loved her many times (but that cud b 'platonic'....i think my body language esp towards the end showed as subtly as i cud, that i wanted to b close, and she was the same......we both kinda saw the signs in each other but we both dismissed them as were both lacking in self-esteem and full of self-doubt)

on oneday i was at a friends and id had a fight with her (shes pissing me off atm tbh but anyway....) and wen i was sitting outside with a ciggie trying to keep my distance so i didnt kill the woman, keira ( sweet P) texted and said she wanted to tel me something that might ruin our friendship

fuck at first i freaked out - i was like 'oh shit, she doesnt like something about me.....'
i hadnt had the confidence shed had - but she had it (thanks baby)
then she let me know she had feelings for me - and that if i didnt it was fine we cud stil b 'friends'

i was like 'no way r we still being just friends!!!!'
well we r friends - basically thats how the best relationships start IMO
the best relationships i see working r those that hav bn built on friendships and didnt even necessarily hav a sexual basis at start
we r currently staying in my house - its day 2 together as a couple, and we feel as if weve not only known each other forever but.....bn together forever
ive never had as special and as wonderful a partner as my sweet P
and she says the same about me (but she hates to call me a wench! lol)

I am happy to have a chance to return to BL after such a long absence, but am sad to return to find that my dear ol' journal and photos are all gone.

I have reflected back upon my journal here at BL for years, and coming back to find that there are no longer journals but blogs kind of makes me sad. Yes, blogs are typically the same thing, but my journal here was full of so many good/bad memories that I am sad to see it gone.

Ah well, things change, the world revolves, and life goes on.

I will just fill this blog with memories for me to reflect on in the future, right?

Well, let's see. I'm no longer a doper, and although at times I do miss my junky lifestyle I am very happy for the new kind of life my recovery has afforded me. I didn't return to BL for quite some time because I felt it worked as a trigger for me, but am realizing now that nothing can trigger my addiction but myself.

Normally I blog over at The Atomic Mom, but in taking a sort of hiatus there I have decided to blog here for a bit. That blog is merely a "mommy blog" and not a whole lot of anything else goes on there.

I am pregnant with my second son. I couldn't get lucky enough to have a daughter, so I am going on this journey again. I hope that life provides me with two strong and healthy boys to look after me when I am old and feeble. My second son is due in March of 2010 and I am desperately seeking a name for him, so any help will be greatly appreciated.

That is as much of an update that I can provide you with for now, and probably more of one than you really wanted. Rest assured that you will here more from me. Much much more.

Ninevah

Well rangrz finally got online. He seemed pretty fucked up. I was very worried cause of the car accident and then no word for the whole day.... well since the other day.

I am going to stop by his place tomorrow. I don't care if he bitches and moans about it all.

Nearly had a fucking heart attack.

At least I can breathe now.... kinda.

I'm still worried about him. Until I see him, I will continue to be worried about him.

We'll see...

Today is Thursday, November 5th, 2009 and it is now 1257PM here in Brooklyn, NY here in the US.

Life proceeds in the same monotnous pace, as days turn into weeks, weeks into months. I suppose I shouldn't complain given the alternative as illustrated by recent day in Bronx County Court.

As fun as that clusterfuck was, it pales next to that experienced by my cousin Shlomo (Solomon Dwek). If that name rings bells it should, it was the center of an international case that was shamelessly sold as "Jews selling body organs and corrupt rabbis involved in money laundering" in NY and NJ here in the US (this pat summer). The case actually spawned at least 1 thread here on BL, in CE &P.

Shlomo was a real estate entrepeneur who stupidly got involved in 50 Million US Bank Fraud in the spring. Unbelievably (for both our Clan and community) he turned State's Witness and entrapped numerous people within our commmunity as well as scores of non-Jewish politicos. Stupidly, politicians played ball despire his bbeing out on bail in a 50 Million Dollar Federal case!

Within our community it did not matter because noone has ever turned against us and my clan (Dwek) is a leading "Syrian" Clan. We, like many West Asian Peoples operate a Parallel Banking System so as to keep our capital within our own community, fully within our reach and control as well as so as to avoid Banking Regs and Tax Regs that stifle our traditional practices. For example, here in the US, if I wire, OR carry 10,001 US Dollars out of the USD I have violated Federal Law.

To avoid these pitfalls, as well as to avoid scrutiny at large, we use a money transfer system based upon chits, code words and Clan Honour.For example, I often move moderate sums (theoretically of course, given that such as admission would be tantamount to a criminal confesion under US Law) in and out of the US. Especially when moving them out, I wish to circumvent those afore mentioned "stifling" regulations.

I can go to 1 of several men within my community, pay the sum I want to move out, plus a very very modest few pecenrage points (as a fee) and be given either a chit (slip of paper with a symbol or word) bor just a word orally. Arriving in my (now) home country of the Philippines, I can go to yey another man from our community living in the Metro-Manila area and pick up my transferred fee. I could also just have my wife or other trusted individual make the pickup for me.

Utilising this system cousin Shlomo managed to ensnare 14 men in our community, who were labeled "Money Launderers" and then had all their assets appropriated by the US Govt. The shame this brought our Clan is indescribable but we almost immediately (and grarefully) paid back the men, or their families as the case may be since most were then under exorbiant bail offers that couldn't be paid without then having that ammount appropriated.

Politicians were ensnared in bribery for favourable deals concerning real estate ventures within those politicians' munipalities.

Finally, a single Jew, an Israeli and NOT from the Syrian Community, erroneously described as a rabbi (since any religiopus Jew is labled "rabbi" by ignorant non-Jews), was arraested for brokering kidney sales between Israeli donors and Jewish recipeints. This was not even connected, in any way,shape or form to my cousin's case BUT was bundled with it in the Gran Jury Roster (Indictment Scheduale) for, apparently, purposes of sensationalism and publicity.

Almost immediately after the case broke, Shlomo's father, my Uncle, Rabbi Israel Dwek, the Chief Rabbi of Deal,NJ cast a curse on his son, which renders him dead to him and to every other Jew.

There is a Talmudic Dictum (Law in rhe Talmud) bcalled, in English, "Law of the 'Moser'." A "Moser" is any Jew who informs on any other Jew, to no-Jews. The penalty is death. Since Shlomo by then was deep in the US Witness Protection Program (sic) it sadly was not possible to LITERALLY do so, he was ostracised and considered dead.

All in all, I guess a bit of peace now will be A-OK!

I guess today's been a crappy day with everything.
PLus.... yeah, whatever.

I been thinking of John. I am so fucking pissed off at my mom for losing the ONE picture I have of him.

You'd think that from 6yrs of knowing him I would have had more pictures. There was a stack he had, but yeah, not going to go into that right now or ever probably.

I miss my fucking best friends, the dead one and the ones alive.

It sucks that I am such a loser that I sit home all day doing nothing but being a mum, watch tv occasionally and looking out the window for/at what I don't know.

I recall the days that bestfriends hung out every other day or such.... I guess that's not the in thing anymore....

Or I just really fucking suck .....

i met someone who is special to me. i thought things were going well.. i thought she felt the same way about me as i felt about her. its hard to be sure about this kind of thing without being blatant, though. so i guess i acted on it too soon..

but we were getting along splendidly. we were getting to know each other. we would laugh and joke and we could talk about anything. she had this look in her eyes when she looked at me and i thought for sure she liked me, at least a little bit. i've jumped the gun somehow and apparently ruined everything. she won't even look at me anymore.

so what can i do to bring things back to the way they were? i still see her all the time, but now she gives me the cold shoulder. when i brought her plate down to her last night, she just stayed in the corner, facing away from me. didn't say a word. this morning she was still in the same place. she had eaten but i guess she was trying to make a point. so self-absorbed, but maybe she was always this way and i was just blind to it before. i don't even lock the basement door anymore; i don't think she even cares. too interested in whats going on in her own world

today i'll try leaving the chain off her bars and see if she even gives a shit; if she even cares that we once had something. i don't know what would be worse: to find her gone next time, as if i had been nothing more then an inconvenience in her life, or to see that she was still there, spiting me and breaking my heart.

Bored as hell, wish I had someone to hang with.

I'm sitting here looking out the window like a lost fucking puppy, it's fucking pathetic.

Fack!

I don't know why I bothered going looking around that place. Just to find something I really didn't want to see.

Now today is probably going to suck ass.

......On my knees ill ask
last chance for one last dance
cuz with you id withstand
all of hell to hold your hand
id give it all id give for us
give anything but i wont give up
Cause you know, you know, you know......

....Stop breathing if i dont see you anymore .....

....I wanted, I wanted to stay
'Cause i needed, I need to hear you say:
I love you! I loved you all along! .....

We've been sitting here off and on all day and hearing this squealing. Can't figure out what the fuck it is.

Squeal, squeal, squeal, all fucking day!

I finally just found out what the fuck it was that was squealing ALL DAY:



I put it under NSFW, just to be a tease LOL

I threw it out the other day and just now it started acting up. mofo thing. GRRR!

LOL 8)

to keep yas posted....ummm im like a week (nearly - cant ever b bothered counting days unless im in wd) clean again

ive decided, along wiv my sweet P, that were gonna try using one point a fortnight (now u cant go wrong with that......as long as u stick to it!!!! were both pretty strong ppl and if we can see relapse is starting again we will both hav to face that life and meth dont work for us.....big deal, she gets me higher than meth anyway! )

btw. some ppl hav hinted that they see me as 'overly-posting' about our relationship - i say to those ppl, just dont read my posts then cos im in luv....ive had a shit of a yr....and wen someone precious comes along and changes all that for me then its a big fucking kill to hav ppl criticising the fact i post about her a lot....those ppl know who they r
maybe they dont know it but over the past yr:
-ive bn gang-raped
-sexualy/physically/emotionally abused by the guy i thought i was gonna marry....oh and he turned out to b dealing from our house
-2 of my horses died (molly and her foal bollinger) and my best dog ever (ozzy)
-i developed complex PTSD
-i was found to b hep C positive....symptoms r just starting to show up now and theyre not nice!
-im going thru benzo wd....and evry time i drop even a mg of valium i hav seizures
-i was rediagnosed with borderline personality disorder (as my gf has too - NOT easy to live with.....basically a way of saying im uncomfortable in my own skin, cant b alone with myself, hate myself, etc etc)
-my dad (whose got bipolar 1/aspergers) keeps disowning me then taking me back....very confusing and like living on a razors edge
-i eventually got too sick to ride/even go out and look after my best horse maverick and i eventually ended up leasing him out for 3.5yrs minimum....to a gd home....but typical me i already feel like 'maybe he luvs bex (his new rider) more than me' (after all she lives on the property with him and can give him hugs OUT THE WINDOW!)
-then i found out my cousin had sold the pony he and i had half-shares in so he could fund his sons wood-chopping competition (for the easter show next yr)
-even having to give up being a mod cos i was too sick to b a gd mod and do my duties properly was really hard cos i like helping ppl and i cant work currently so having a 'job' of any kind meant a lot to me

this is emo-sounding yes - im not asking any of u to feel sorry for me....I HATE THAT - but wen i get ppl saying that i shud leave my feelings for keira in the blogs section only well that just hurts....cos keira is the best thing that happened to me (and shes the only reason i AM clean - and the only reason i didnt commit suicide wen i found out lance - my cuz - had sold cascade)

BPD makes u sensitive to the smallest thing - i cry over other ppls pain, let alone my own
ppl just hav to hav a go at my typing and.......ill cry then burn myself
i hate myself...but keira makes me feel worth loving
having her here right now cuddling me is why after i got a PM no one else wud (well ok maybe other borderlines wud) feel hurt by....and seeing a thread id made about us(well basically i talked bout us but ended with wanting to find out if any other BLers had met the same way thats why i didnt put it in here...i wanted to find out if there r any others who met thru BL.....[ARE THERE????? ID B INTERESTED TO KNOW!]) had bn closed
NB. i am not complaining bout the mods - god ive bn one, i know wat a job it is, but......it still hurt....i hope im allowed to express that - no hard feelings to the mod who closed it; they may not hav even realised i was asking if anyone else had met via BL, cos the other problem i hav is AD-fucking-HD, and it makes me go off on tangents - add that to yrs of crack use, and having a convo with me can at times b hard to follow, even on the net

anyway i gues i needed to let all that out....its not really recovery but to continue on recovery:
-after using i did hav cravings for more but i got thru it by sleeping it off and talking to my girl, then of course....she came up a couple of days later so.....yea
(yea ok i had meth sweat and i cud certainly feel its got more toxic to me since ive given up again!)
one problem with meth and going thru benzo taper is that a tiny tiny bit of meth affects me pretty strongly wen i hav no tolerance....like were talking a crystal will get me high lol
this is a gd thing but cud b a bad thing if i was to slam a whole point at once
keira makes sure i dont hav more than a point at a time - and i do the same with her, as much as we possibly can wen were in difrent cities

i think my DOC currently is KEIRA