Withdrawal? Still?

I was sharing at a meeting tonight how it has been 68 days since I have used but I still have thoughts and cravings. I know that they will leave and eventually stop hitting me this frequently but, what the fuck? Its been 68 days, shouldn't they be fucking gone by now?

Dude told me that it is a form of withdrawal. A type of 'mourning' if you will. He says that this is common to miss 'the good parts' of my addiction (the pleasant feelings, the intense rush, the excitement of the chase, etc.).

My drug using days are over, so I mourn. I guess this a part of 'acceptance'. I know I am getting better but it seems I am being impatient. I want to be well NOW. Completely fixed and okay. This is unrealistic, I know, but as a dude that has this addiction thing going on, I'm not patient. I want things to happen immediately.

As time passes, with me not using, I will get better. I didn't fuck myself in one day so it will take more than one day to unfuck myself.

I guess I'm angry that I'll never be that guy who can use 'every now and then'. I've proven to myself time and time again. I've abused the privilege of using drugs. I just can't use them and live a happy, peaceful life.

Now I need to learn how to live. I've removed the drugs but haven't really replaced the spot that they held with anything.

This will get easier and I need to remember that in order to get through it I need to go through it.

Someday I'll be patient.

Someday I'll be better at acceptance.

Just not today, I suppose.

And now I have another day clean.

 

i find that the more i focus on not doing something, the more i want to do something... like if i say i am only going to have 2-3 beers tonight, i suddenly want to drink heavily. or when i have been eating healthy for awhile, and comment out loud that i haven't had junk food in so many days, i want a happy meal.

 

I was going to comment on how this is (I think at least) a real downside to 12-step programs and their ilk, but then I remembered that I've never been in deep enough to need to use one. OD, you keep doing whatever you need to to keep clean. You're right, Rome wasn't built in a day, and every day that you stay sober is another day closer to not needing to count the days.

Oh, and patience is a learned skill, like any other. Practise, and it will come.