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and a nice mellow high...thank gawd fer the ganja...thank the ganja gods!!

Today, while out on my usual errands, I discovered that the local needle exchange gives away free condoms... even flavoured ones! How intriguing. I think I'll be visiting more often.

So for anyone unaware, I made some pretty steep resolutions this year.

-No Smoking, ever
-No Alcohol until May 8th
-No Sex until May 8th

May 8th being my Birthday. I figured I'd start a blog to chronicle my efforts because my friends will undoubtedly get sick of me bitching about how shitty my life is without these things, and here at least people can ignore me.

So, let's start at the beginning, or the beginning of the end. New Year's Eve:

We had plans to catch an early dinner at the Casino. Every New Year's Eve they have all-you-can-eat Lobster and I was ready to do some damage. We got there at around 8:00 and were told we'd have to wait until 10:30 to be seated. I told them they'd have to fuck off and I was going home to order Chinese food. We spent the ride home debating on whether to go out for the night or stay in. We were only a 20 minute drive away from the second largest ball-drop in the country, but we didn't want to deal with the crowds. I didn't anyway. I always seem to get myself in trouble when I'm out on New Year's Eve.

So it'd be a night on the couch with Chinese and 4 bottles of Riesling, thank God. I was looking forward to a quiet night in. We ate, we got drunk, we watched TV. At one point she mentioned she had to go to the bathroom and left the room. Either I was so drunk I didn't notice how long she was gone or she just changes amazingly fast, because when I heard her walk back into the room I looked up and saw that she was wearing a black and pink corset, black knee-high stockings, and black panties. The corset had two black ribbons that went from the front above the breasts and over the shoulders to tie in a bow around the neck. The panties had pink ruffles right above the ass. She gave a mischievous grin and a wink, took a sip of her wine, and then walked into the bedroom. I sat there for a good 20 seconds gawking at the wall before my muscles got the message from my brain to move. NOW.

I walked(see:stumbled) to the bedroom and there she was, sitting on the bed with that same little sexy grin. To say I pounced on her would be an understatement. It reminded me of a Gazelle getting wtfpwned by a stalking lion in the plains of Africa on the Discovery Channel. I sunk my teeth so deep into her shoulder I'm surprised I didn't draw blood. She let out a high-pitched yelp(she loves it when I bite) but apparently wasn't ready to let me take control just yet. She pushed me off of her and pinned my arms down to the side of the bed, then SLOWLY went down on me. Fucking torture! I only lasted about 5 minutes before I couldn't take it anymore and picked her up, threw her on the bed, and ravaged the hell out her. When we were done she said "Happy New Year." I went out into the living room, smoked my last cigarette, and finished my last glass of wine.

That the last time I enjoyed my three vices in 2008.

im tired of going out there looking for something that i've already found.

living weekend to weekend with no end

i feel like giving up, letting it all go,
even if i change everything
everything will still stay the same

Thanks for the laughs and the other stuff.... I`m glad your ok. I miss u though, emo sounding or not...

THE BEANS BABY, HEINZ!! LuLz!

Moving in with the most amazing girlfriend I could ever have asked for at the end of the month. First time I've lived with a girlfriend... lots of firsts and anxieties this past year and everything has worked out fantastic. Start an M.B.A. program next summer, so much exciting happening. Still lurking at Bluelight, just not getting into posting. Long term plans include a move to Asheville, NC with the girlfriend... can't wait for that long-term reality!

Insomnia sucks. It's 1am and I've got a busy day planned for tomorrow, so I'm trying to get a decent amount of sleep. But seriously, I can't even remember the last time I had a good night's sleep without the aid of medication. And I'm so tolerant to the stuff, it's pretty much worthless anyway. 5 zopiclone tablets haven't even touched me tonight. So far, I'm resisting the urge to take seroquel which will knock me out quickly but make me a total zombie the next day.

*grumble grumble*

firstly......

drug_wench and Sweet P are now......TOGETHER

we thought this out so dont think....ahh typical impulsive methheads - weve bn getting to know each other for awhile over txt/PM mainly but also MSN and even the phone
we eventually realised we were falling for each other - oneday i kinda hinted to her she was the best friend i had in NZ tbh (wat i really meant was....unlike all my other friends, i not only found her interesting and easy to talk to - something i see as perfect in a relationship - but i also....wasnt able to tell her this but.....was falling for her)

it turned out, she was feeling the same!

wen we finally met up, i went with her overnight to stay in her (fairly close....1.5hrs or less by car) city
we had so much fun together - wen i met her at the door i was almost shocked by how gorgeous she was IRL (had only seen pics!)
we talked and talked and talked all day the first day (i even missed my dose of benzos cos i was too busy talking so.....had to double-dose and fight some mega anxiety - she helped me thru it by taking me for a walk round her neighbourhood/smoking a bowl of weed)

next day we had equaly as much fun - never an awkward moment - lots of cuddles (i wanted to b close to her and vice versa...only i didnt know that part!)

u get the picture - i was dying to tell my best friend i was in luv with her (id kinda hinted - she knew im bisexual and prefer women.....i even nearly fondled her breast while hugging......i was like 'whoops' but left it on long enough to kinda show i 'didnt mind' ...etc)
then i was telling her by text daily how i missed her and we had so much in common, etc, etc - i said i loved her many times (but that cud b 'platonic'....i think my body language esp towards the end showed as subtly as i cud, that i wanted to b close, and she was the same......we both kinda saw the signs in each other but we both dismissed them as were both lacking in self-esteem and full of self-doubt)

on oneday i was at a friends and id had a fight with her (shes pissing me off atm tbh but anyway....) and wen i was sitting outside with a ciggie trying to keep my distance so i didnt kill the woman, keira ( sweet P) texted and said she wanted to tel me something that might ruin our friendship

fuck at first i freaked out - i was like 'oh shit, she doesnt like something about me.....'
i hadnt had the confidence shed had - but she had it (thanks baby)
then she let me know she had feelings for me - and that if i didnt it was fine we cud stil b 'friends'

i was like 'no way r we still being just friends!!!!'
well we r friends - basically thats how the best relationships start IMO
the best relationships i see working r those that hav bn built on friendships and didnt even necessarily hav a sexual basis at start
we r currently staying in my house - its day 2 together as a couple, and we feel as if weve not only known each other forever but.....bn together forever
ive never had as special and as wonderful a partner as my sweet P
and she says the same about me (but she hates to call me a wench! lol)

I am happy to have a chance to return to BL after such a long absence, but am sad to return to find that my dear ol' journal and photos are all gone.

I have reflected back upon my journal here at BL for years, and coming back to find that there are no longer journals but blogs kind of makes me sad. Yes, blogs are typically the same thing, but my journal here was full of so many good/bad memories that I am sad to see it gone.

Ah well, things change, the world revolves, and life goes on.

I will just fill this blog with memories for me to reflect on in the future, right?

Well, let's see. I'm no longer a doper, and although at times I do miss my junky lifestyle I am very happy for the new kind of life my recovery has afforded me. I didn't return to BL for quite some time because I felt it worked as a trigger for me, but am realizing now that nothing can trigger my addiction but myself.

Normally I blog over at The Atomic Mom, but in taking a sort of hiatus there I have decided to blog here for a bit. That blog is merely a "mommy blog" and not a whole lot of anything else goes on there.

I am pregnant with my second son. I couldn't get lucky enough to have a daughter, so I am going on this journey again. I hope that life provides me with two strong and healthy boys to look after me when I am old and feeble. My second son is due in March of 2010 and I am desperately seeking a name for him, so any help will be greatly appreciated.

That is as much of an update that I can provide you with for now, and probably more of one than you really wanted. Rest assured that you will here more from me. Much much more.

Ninevah

Well rangrz finally got online. He seemed pretty fucked up. I was very worried cause of the car accident and then no word for the whole day.... well since the other day.

I am going to stop by his place tomorrow. I don't care if he bitches and moans about it all.

Nearly had a fucking heart attack.

At least I can breathe now.... kinda.

I'm still worried about him. Until I see him, I will continue to be worried about him.

We'll see...

Today is Thursday, November 5th, 2009 and it is now 1257PM here in Brooklyn, NY here in the US.

Life proceeds in the same monotnous pace, as days turn into weeks, weeks into months. I suppose I shouldn't complain given the alternative as illustrated by recent day in Bronx County Court.

As fun as that clusterfuck was, it pales next to that experienced by my cousin Shlomo (Solomon Dwek). If that name rings bells it should, it was the center of an international case that was shamelessly sold as "Jews selling body organs and corrupt rabbis involved in money laundering" in NY and NJ here in the US (this pat summer). The case actually spawned at least 1 thread here on BL, in CE &P.

Shlomo was a real estate entrepeneur who stupidly got involved in 50 Million US Bank Fraud in the spring. Unbelievably (for both our Clan and community) he turned State's Witness and entrapped numerous people within our commmunity as well as scores of non-Jewish politicos. Stupidly, politicians played ball despire his bbeing out on bail in a 50 Million Dollar Federal case!

Within our community it did not matter because noone has ever turned against us and my clan (Dwek) is a leading "Syrian" Clan. We, like many West Asian Peoples operate a Parallel Banking System so as to keep our capital within our own community, fully within our reach and control as well as so as to avoid Banking Regs and Tax Regs that stifle our traditional practices. For example, here in the US, if I wire, OR carry 10,001 US Dollars out of the USD I have violated Federal Law.

To avoid these pitfalls, as well as to avoid scrutiny at large, we use a money transfer system based upon chits, code words and Clan Honour.For example, I often move moderate sums (theoretically of course, given that such as admission would be tantamount to a criminal confesion under US Law) in and out of the US. Especially when moving them out, I wish to circumvent those afore mentioned "stifling" regulations.

I can go to 1 of several men within my community, pay the sum I want to move out, plus a very very modest few pecenrage points (as a fee) and be given either a chit (slip of paper with a symbol or word) bor just a word orally. Arriving in my (now) home country of the Philippines, I can go to yey another man from our community living in the Metro-Manila area and pick up my transferred fee. I could also just have my wife or other trusted individual make the pickup for me.

Utilising this system cousin Shlomo managed to ensnare 14 men in our community, who were labeled "Money Launderers" and then had all their assets appropriated by the US Govt. The shame this brought our Clan is indescribable but we almost immediately (and grarefully) paid back the men, or their families as the case may be since most were then under exorbiant bail offers that couldn't be paid without then having that ammount appropriated.

Politicians were ensnared in bribery for favourable deals concerning real estate ventures within those politicians' munipalities.

Finally, a single Jew, an Israeli and NOT from the Syrian Community, erroneously described as a rabbi (since any religiopus Jew is labled "rabbi" by ignorant non-Jews), was arraested for brokering kidney sales between Israeli donors and Jewish recipeints. This was not even connected, in any way,shape or form to my cousin's case BUT was bundled with it in the Gran Jury Roster (Indictment Scheduale) for, apparently, purposes of sensationalism and publicity.

Almost immediately after the case broke, Shlomo's father, my Uncle, Rabbi Israel Dwek, the Chief Rabbi of Deal,NJ cast a curse on his son, which renders him dead to him and to every other Jew.

There is a Talmudic Dictum (Law in rhe Talmud) bcalled, in English, "Law of the 'Moser'." A "Moser" is any Jew who informs on any other Jew, to no-Jews. The penalty is death. Since Shlomo by then was deep in the US Witness Protection Program (sic) it sadly was not possible to LITERALLY do so, he was ostracised and considered dead.

All in all, I guess a bit of peace now will be A-OK!

I guess today's been a crappy day with everything.
PLus.... yeah, whatever.

I been thinking of John. I am so fucking pissed off at my mom for losing the ONE picture I have of him.

You'd think that from 6yrs of knowing him I would have had more pictures. There was a stack he had, but yeah, not going to go into that right now or ever probably.

I miss my fucking best friends, the dead one and the ones alive.

It sucks that I am such a loser that I sit home all day doing nothing but being a mum, watch tv occasionally and looking out the window for/at what I don't know.

I recall the days that bestfriends hung out every other day or such.... I guess that's not the in thing anymore....

Or I just really fucking suck .....

i met someone who is special to me. i thought things were going well.. i thought she felt the same way about me as i felt about her. its hard to be sure about this kind of thing without being blatant, though. so i guess i acted on it too soon..

but we were getting along splendidly. we were getting to know each other. we would laugh and joke and we could talk about anything. she had this look in her eyes when she looked at me and i thought for sure she liked me, at least a little bit. i've jumped the gun somehow and apparently ruined everything. she won't even look at me anymore.

so what can i do to bring things back to the way they were? i still see her all the time, but now she gives me the cold shoulder. when i brought her plate down to her last night, she just stayed in the corner, facing away from me. didn't say a word. this morning she was still in the same place. she had eaten but i guess she was trying to make a point. so self-absorbed, but maybe she was always this way and i was just blind to it before. i don't even lock the basement door anymore; i don't think she even cares. too interested in whats going on in her own world

today i'll try leaving the chain off her bars and see if she even gives a shit; if she even cares that we once had something. i don't know what would be worse: to find her gone next time, as if i had been nothing more then an inconvenience in her life, or to see that she was still there, spiting me and breaking my heart.

Bored as hell, wish I had someone to hang with.

I'm sitting here looking out the window like a lost fucking puppy, it's fucking pathetic.

Fack!

I don't know why I bothered going looking around that place. Just to find something I really didn't want to see.

Now today is probably going to suck ass.

......On my knees ill ask
last chance for one last dance
cuz with you id withstand
all of hell to hold your hand
id give it all id give for us
give anything but i wont give up
Cause you know, you know, you know......

....Stop breathing if i dont see you anymore .....

....I wanted, I wanted to stay
'Cause i needed, I need to hear you say:
I love you! I loved you all along! .....

We've been sitting here off and on all day and hearing this squealing. Can't figure out what the fuck it is.

Squeal, squeal, squeal, all fucking day!

I finally just found out what the fuck it was that was squealing ALL DAY:



I put it under NSFW, just to be a tease LOL

I threw it out the other day and just now it started acting up. mofo thing. GRRR!

LOL 8)

to keep yas posted....ummm im like a week (nearly - cant ever b bothered counting days unless im in wd) clean again

ive decided, along wiv my sweet P, that were gonna try using one point a fortnight (now u cant go wrong with that......as long as u stick to it!!!! were both pretty strong ppl and if we can see relapse is starting again we will both hav to face that life and meth dont work for us.....big deal, she gets me higher than meth anyway! )

btw. some ppl hav hinted that they see me as 'overly-posting' about our relationship - i say to those ppl, just dont read my posts then cos im in luv....ive had a shit of a yr....and wen someone precious comes along and changes all that for me then its a big fucking kill to hav ppl criticising the fact i post about her a lot....those ppl know who they r
maybe they dont know it but over the past yr:
-ive bn gang-raped
-sexualy/physically/emotionally abused by the guy i thought i was gonna marry....oh and he turned out to b dealing from our house
-2 of my horses died (molly and her foal bollinger) and my best dog ever (ozzy)
-i developed complex PTSD
-i was found to b hep C positive....symptoms r just starting to show up now and theyre not nice!
-im going thru benzo wd....and evry time i drop even a mg of valium i hav seizures
-i was rediagnosed with borderline personality disorder (as my gf has too - NOT easy to live with.....basically a way of saying im uncomfortable in my own skin, cant b alone with myself, hate myself, etc etc)
-my dad (whose got bipolar 1/aspergers) keeps disowning me then taking me back....very confusing and like living on a razors edge
-i eventually got too sick to ride/even go out and look after my best horse maverick and i eventually ended up leasing him out for 3.5yrs minimum....to a gd home....but typical me i already feel like 'maybe he luvs bex (his new rider) more than me' (after all she lives on the property with him and can give him hugs OUT THE WINDOW!)
-then i found out my cousin had sold the pony he and i had half-shares in so he could fund his sons wood-chopping competition (for the easter show next yr)
-even having to give up being a mod cos i was too sick to b a gd mod and do my duties properly was really hard cos i like helping ppl and i cant work currently so having a 'job' of any kind meant a lot to me

this is emo-sounding yes - im not asking any of u to feel sorry for me....I HATE THAT - but wen i get ppl saying that i shud leave my feelings for keira in the blogs section only well that just hurts....cos keira is the best thing that happened to me (and shes the only reason i AM clean - and the only reason i didnt commit suicide wen i found out lance - my cuz - had sold cascade)

BPD makes u sensitive to the smallest thing - i cry over other ppls pain, let alone my own
ppl just hav to hav a go at my typing and.......ill cry then burn myself
i hate myself...but keira makes me feel worth loving
having her here right now cuddling me is why after i got a PM no one else wud (well ok maybe other borderlines wud) feel hurt by....and seeing a thread id made about us(well basically i talked bout us but ended with wanting to find out if any other BLers had met the same way thats why i didnt put it in here...i wanted to find out if there r any others who met thru BL.....[ARE THERE????? ID B INTERESTED TO KNOW!]) had bn closed
NB. i am not complaining bout the mods - god ive bn one, i know wat a job it is, but......it still hurt....i hope im allowed to express that - no hard feelings to the mod who closed it; they may not hav even realised i was asking if anyone else had met via BL, cos the other problem i hav is AD-fucking-HD, and it makes me go off on tangents - add that to yrs of crack use, and having a convo with me can at times b hard to follow, even on the net

anyway i gues i needed to let all that out....its not really recovery but to continue on recovery:
-after using i did hav cravings for more but i got thru it by sleeping it off and talking to my girl, then of course....she came up a couple of days later so.....yea
(yea ok i had meth sweat and i cud certainly feel its got more toxic to me since ive given up again!)
one problem with meth and going thru benzo taper is that a tiny tiny bit of meth affects me pretty strongly wen i hav no tolerance....like were talking a crystal will get me high lol
this is a gd thing but cud b a bad thing if i was to slam a whole point at once
keira makes sure i dont hav more than a point at a time - and i do the same with her, as much as we possibly can wen were in difrent cities

i think my DOC currently is KEIRA

Often I wonder what made me an addict. God? the devil? Myself? Kate who offered me my first taste? My not-so-innocent childhood? Or just a fucking combo of the above? Probably the last.

At school our whole group were addicts. But I went the farthest. Like Nikki Sixx says in the Heroin Diaries 'I look that bullet head on and don't bother dodging it'.

At 10 I was snorting speed weekly. Everyone else got high on it but all it did for me was make me concentrate. Unless I snorted double what they did. Which I did.

After that it progressed to cannabis products - the stronger the better - then the real party started when I met cocaine. I became cocky and would do stupid things and say what I felt like. Ecstasy and psychedelics enhanced everything. Plus I was drinking a lot of booze - not beer or even wine...tequila was my poison. I just wanted to forget I was alive - and often I did. Forget I was alive that is.

My moods changed. Mum and Dad said knowingly 'hormones'. My health went downhill. I spent a lot of time off school. But I liked that. Dad worked out in the studio out the back - he never saw the drug pushers coming to my gate. My parents even thought I was a virgin. Yet I was a coke whore.

I had low self esteem. The teachers called me 'lazy, stupid and hyperactive'. I was. I couldn't read properly or do maths problems. My mind wandered constantly and I would draw horses over everything.

I thought getting a horse would help let out my seemingly boundless energy and get over my obssession with horses. Besides I had ridden as a kid. So I saved up $50 and was given a broken down ex show jumper from a riding school. He'd been abused. His name was Minty. I didn't fit in at school (except with the other 'druggies') but I sure didn't fit in at pony club. You have to have a 'decent horse' to fit in at pony club. Minty was not 'decent'. He was spun out and stressed, always rearing and bucking and bolting. He was no show pony.

By then it no longer mattered. I was 15 years old and I'd discovered crystal meth by then. I just wanted to have fun on Minty, not 'fit in'. I loved his fits of temper and fear. They only aided my adrenalin.

P was different for me than other drugs. I did'nt do the others daily.
I had'nt planned to do P daily. It just happened.
I tried one line and felt pleasure I'd never felt before. A relaxation/rush. I realised all those other drugs I'd used before had just been mere affairs. Methamphetamine was true love.
After I came down from that line I immediately bought a pipe off my friend Adrienne. From that day on, at age 15, I smoked P every day for 5 years. Then I started using IV.
I hid it well at first. But how long can you hide what eventually became a 4 gram a day habit?

Now I sit here and I wonder: how did I become this? Deep down I know how I became this. I always was this. Turned out I have ADHD. That was my problem at school - yet I'm still in the habit of saying 'oh I'm just stupid, lazy and hyperactive'.
Who am I? I couldn't even tell you anymore.

My Absolute Favorites are in bold.


2Pac - Until The end Of Time
Eminem - Big Weenie
Eminem - No One's Iller
Eminem - Mockingbird
Eminem - Stan

Elliott Yamin - Fight For Love
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CEHdKzSnWvY

Chuck Wicks - Stealing Cinderella http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HtOy8R01fTA

Nickelback - Far Away
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otbL8blg1vk


Nickelback - If today was your last day
Denis Leary - ASSHOLE

Kelly Clarkson - Life Would Suck Without You
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bap-oZI-Grc

Tim McGraw - I Need You
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=saHyv3rRHsk

Tim McGraw - It's Your Love
Daniel Powter - Bad Day
Johnny Cash - Hurt
Johnny Cash - I Walk The Line

Reba McEntire - What If It's You
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sum44o2d3o8

Gary Allan - Tough Little Boys
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SzmgAM8rIgo

Bon Jovi - It's My Life
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cOfaYFIHt1g

Bon Jovi - Have A Nice Day
Jake Owen - Don't think I can't Love You

Joe Nichols - I'll Wait For You
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VaR77TJ25-Q


Bob Seger - Turn The Page
Eric Clapton - Cocaine
Our Lady Peace - 4am
Our Lady Peace - Superman's Dead
Brad Paisley - When I get Where I'm Going
Brian Adams - Summer of '69

Jimmy Wayne - I love You This Much
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WUiW-zC8qNo&feature=fvst

Joy Enriques - How Can I NOT Love You


John Michael Montgomery - Letters from Home
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TqJ1MwLEAUU&feature=related

John Michael Montgomery - If You Ever Went Away
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dy-i5bxIN_Y&feature=related

so 5 days of halloween parties just seemed to serve as a minor distractions from life. everyday i still wake up depressed and miserable untill i smoke some weed im just sad and depressed. when im high though it lets me put on a nihilistic attitude that always gets me through. i was talking to someone about it and they think im just dependant. i told her im not but she works for a doctor who gives out green cards and wouldnt listen. this made me so angry i decided not to smoke just to show myself i can. i dont know what ill do but im determined to prove im just naturally depressed. its hard though without smoking i have vary little will to live but im forcing myself to have ambition this week. Remember no more wasting...........

Me in 2005/6:




Me June 2009:




Me in September/October 2009:




Me Today:

I thought was worth my $10.00 to see.


And enjoyed it thoroughly.



I also realized, i may be part vulcan.



haha.

I dunno why i feel so retardedly emo and feel abandoned by everyone. Family and Friends.

Everyone else has better things to do, jobs they have, better friends than me, or yes the lovely excuse that I have kids and how could they hang with me if i am "so busy" with my kids.

All I wanna do Is hang with my friends once or twice a week, but here I am stuck at home doing fuck all.

No, I have nothing better to do, I have NOTHING to do. What the fuck am I supposed to be doing?

Get a life? Oh yes I thought that what friends were for, hanging out and having a life...? or was I mistaken?

I could get a job, sure, would fuck over T's disability a bit but would keep me busy and I'd have money but ....

I really just want to hang with my friends a couple times a week.

What in the hell is so wrong with that?



blah, now this cipralex is bringing out the bitch in me. I'm gonna go lay down or maybe watch tv....

how fun *eyeroll*