Blogs

I've never used a Blog before, which your prolly gonna be able to tell in oh a sec.
I've had more free time on my hands lately and I've been rereading the things I've written. More so the old journals and It's bringing up feeling I really don't want to think about. Since coming into the program I'm in I've been having to look at myself and be honest to everyone I come in contact with and myself. It sucks.

*I've come so far to feel so lost* Before my addiction the night used to calm me* I'd sit outside for hours listening, watching the sky and just being okay with myself* Why am I lost when I've gained so much* "just for today", right?* But deep inside I need to know* Will there be a happy tomorrow* Or am I simply hurting everyone around me* This book says we were insane, so what now* I still feel insane* I'm scared to feel anything for someone* I'll either hurt them, they'll hurt mw or in the end I'll still lose them* I can deal with nothing lasts forever* I already pasted that test* I didn't do so well, I always sucked at tests* Emotional ones - the wrost*

Sometimes that's what gets me through a day of obsessing about drugs. Simply the knowledge that I will obtain a variety of nice, shiny material objects as a result of not indulging in drugs and alcohol.

Yeah, its shallow but whatever it takes to get past the powerful obsession to use on certain days works for me.

The deeper aspect of my desire to stay clean is learning such positives such as:

tolerance
acceptance
honesty
willingness
open-mindedness
humility
integrity
patience

Right now, I just gotta do what is necessary.

I'll say one thing though... I'm beginning to get quite strong as an individual. This strength is coming from each challenge that I have overcome/dealt with thus far.

Things seem to be looking up for me right now. I'm off all of my medicines, excluding Adderall (which I'm pretty much off, but have not ruled out taking in the future). Two months ago I was on Carbitrol, Wellbutrin, Abilify, Adderall, Focalin, Temazepam and then Tramadol. Now I'm unmedicated and feel so much better - but my therapist is pretty thoroughly worried about me. I saw my psychiatrist today and didn't even mention being off meds (yet again).

Overall, I feel good like this. I also stopped smoking weed or using any drugs (for the most part), and while I was drinking a few beers a night this past week, I decided today to stop that, as being lucid at all times is extremely important to me.

Of course, this Fall's big vice remains - poppy pods. I've been pretty consistently opiated on them since early September, maybe even late August, I don't remember. Ideally, I want to get off those too and be 100% sober. It just keeps me sane, help me sleep, makes me happier, and relieves my horrible back pain.

Overall, things are looking up, happy to say. Work and school are going well, as is my poetry, and my relationship with C is amazing. In some ways, I feel like I'm becoming a more conventional person - which isn't a bad thing at all.

well first off, this is my first entry in my blog but i thought it was a good place to just ramble a bit.

The day started of a little different then most my days, i got up early evven tho i had a day off.
I was gonna have a friend over a little later but i started the day as soon as i woke up!

First i toke some breakfast, vitamins and some benadryl, then found my stash and took about:
~1mg buprenorphine, 2.5mg nitrazepam and 1.5mg bromazepam

went down to buy some milk and stuff at the baker, went home made a cop of elderberry with a little bourbon

then took some more goodies from my stash:
~1mg buprenorphin, 2.5mg nitrazepam and 1.5mg bromazepam.

now im just sitting nicely relaxed and chatting a bit, waiting to get some weed (soon hopefully)
and for my friend to come over with he's laptop and chill with me.

this gotta be the best morning i have had in a long time hehe :D

Seems this blog has become the emo blog. Whenever I am emo I've been writing in here. I guess it's because I can't talk to the one I want to, I can't talk to the one I used to be able to, I can't obviously talk to a 4yr old. This little white box seems here for me to get my emo out.
I don't WANT to be emo all the time, it just seems that is what has happened when you lose all your friends....well not all.... i got 1 left but, he's not the emo type, at least he potrays not to be.

Alone again, just needing a hug, and yet again no one. I can't even take my pills....I have taken 6 too many already for this month. Two days before I get my Cipralex....hopefully.

Must be some scatterbrains around here. You know when you lose important things? Like... keys, ID, that kinda thing?

Aye, well, I'm a bit (an epic) scatterbrain.

Today I lost my bag of meph. At work!

Was running really really late this morning so instead of making a few "maintenance bombs" (parachutes?) I just scooped a load into a baggy.

I had some at work, in the loo, and then..... it vanished. Didn't notice til a few hours later when I went to have more.

So.... basically, in a nutshell, I dropped a baggy of unidentifiable white powder.... at work.

Instant reaction - total panic.
Secondary reaction - re check bag, coat, all pockets meticulously
Next, I went wandering around the places in the building I'd been that day.
What makes it even shitter and stupider is that this isn't the first time this has happened. Last time though it was just 1 relatively innocent (compared to powder!) looking bomb. And I did find it again by wandering around.

No luck finding it this time.

By then I was in full on panic+paranoia mode

A neat psychological trick I learned ages ago was to think of the worst case scenario, the best case, and the most likely case. Usually this helps.... because the absolute worst case is often something that I could deal with.

In this case, I wouldn't be able to cope. One of two people in EADD have said that I've got my priorities wrong, and that I shouldn't value my career so highly. Even if you replaced "career" with "shitty job" --- how do I pay the rent? Buy food?

I know the answer .... move back in with my parents. They're lovely lovely people but living with them... they wind me up in all sorts of ways, but they also look after me 100% so I can get wasted every day all day. I'd drag myself out of it eventually, but not ending up in that situation is something I'd rather avoid.

So here are my top tips!!!
- Don't take drugs at work
- If you must, try not to leave them lying around or lose them


Edited to add......

arrrrg iam trying not to think abuot it, but I know how stupid and idiotic this was. Believe me, my flippancy is just a defence mechanism. I feel so stupid and pathetic and useless.... ahhhh - defence #2, self pity How dull.

I've been reading pretty much every source I can find on coping with addiction. Of course, there is nothing specific to mephedrone addiction (yet) but there is so much relevant stuff.

One I especially liked was "Take control now" by Marc Frederic Kern with Lance Lenon. I only read the free-to-download first chapter (ebook is $10, I think):

http://www.addictionalternatives.com/tcbook/download.html

I have written some lists -- positive/negative of carrying on/stopping.

Positives of continuing to take mephedrone

• It feels good:
• Euphoria
• Confidence
• Relaxation
• Stimulation
• Weight loss
• Makes me n mugabe super-super loving to each other
• Amazing meph sex
• Have made some cool friends through it
• Almost all activities become enjoyable

Negatives of continuing to take meph

• Things I plan to do never get done
• My flat looks like a junkie den
• Greasy skin, pale as a sheet... not a good look
• Out of berath, head and heart pounding, feeling sick .... from walking uo the stairs
• I'm blnded/dazzled by my monitor and TV. Sunlight physically HURTS
• Meph is becoming more and more unpredictable in its affects on us both. Sometimes still good, sometimes really edgy and sick
• Vision problems generally
• Job - I work hard for 2 hours and get ~15 minutes work done
• I've had so many sick days that HR will soon be all over me if i have more
• Used up almost all my holiday allowance taking sick days as impromptu holiday
• Someone will clock on eventually and then I'll be screwed

I know I've missed a lot of obvious ones -- the truth is that I don't give a crap about many of the commonly quoted ones.

Negatives of stopping taking meph

• Withdrawal... may not have gotten over the stupidity factor by the time my holiday ends.
• Withdrawal. What? No one likes pain!!
• mugabe will appear to give me the cold shoulder and not care about me at all
  • That's a combinaiton of his own crash plus a HUGE dose of my paranoia
• Lose some really fun friends, because we only know them because of meph
• Months and months of having to avoid being around meph users using meph
• At a loss to fill the empty hours in the evening.
• I'd hate myself for even longer.

Positives of stopping

• I'll be able to contribute normally at work
• Be able to talk to people without worrtying about looking/aounding fucked
• Mugabe and I can finally move to a bigger house
• We'll get to start our LIFE together. We can go out and do things together
• I can cook and eat something more fun than a ready meal
• I'll have time to do things in the evenings that got pushed aside because of meph

So there you have it.

I guess I was a bit worried about whether or not I WANTED to stop,,. or how 'emoitionally attached' to meph I I was.
I know that the lists are similar in length, but they're certainly not similar in weight to me. I really, really want to get off the stuff.

Less that 24 hours of meph remaining - wish me luck!!

I know I mumbled it but my answer was yes, I was happy, there laying in your arms.

Not sure if you heard or understood, Just wanted to make things clear.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0OOFN1z45CI

Rewording a good song...but oh well...

I miss the look of wonder in your eyes
The way your soft brown hair felt
I miss the power of your kiss
But baby most of all

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

I miss the colors that you brought into my life
Your golden smile, those big brown eyes
I miss your gentle voice in lonely times like now
Saying it'll be alright

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

I miss those times
I miss those nights
I even miss the silly fights
The making up
The morning talks
And those late afternoon walks

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with

Click to expand...

The one I confided in with no hesitation in 10 feet under for years. I miss the freedom of not worrying about what I said, when i said it, and the love.

The freedom of not worrying, the freedom of just talking, the freedom of just holding each other through both our tears, both our struggles, holding, kissing, loving each other like no other. Just being there for one another, through our good and bad times, our weaknesses and strengths.

I have someone to confide in but not my heart and soul. Maybe I can? I don't know. I am so lost at what I can and cannot do with him.

I am so lost, so fucking lost sometimes, sometimes I just need a hug, and no one gives a flying fuck. Really no one does, how fucking nice is that. Then people wonder why I am so emo and fucked up. I just want to be held, to be wanted, to be loved by someone who is IN LOVE with me. What is so wrong with that?

what is so wrong to be in love and for that person to love you the same way back. To SHOW it once in awhile. Maybe SAY it once in a blue moon. What is so wrong with falling in love with a man that you makes you feel like no other has....?

Its not a weekness, it's a strength. Its courage. It's fucking awesome if you can find that in life. More so more than once, after your greatest love blows his head off in front of you.... and you can have the courage to fall in love dispite the fear of your past, of your fucked up life.....

Love is a strength,courage, honor, and if your lucky forever eternal.

whatever, pill time, emo time over.

I sit online some days all day, waiting for my friends to come online so i can chat with them, a few chuckles, make me a little happy for a short time.

Instead I sit here with no one online ALL day every day.

Then I come here a million times a day to post or check my posts or whatnot.

What a pathetic life I live. Life...HA! a joke!


oh well.... time to harden up again and ftw....

i do it for you

That even though I drove away after hitting that damn pay phone, they got my plate number. At breakfast this morning me and my mom talked but we didn't talk about what I was expecting. More or less she was just wondering if I was fucked up when the accident happened which honestly, I don't remember. I just know for a fact the whole reason I even hit the pay phone in the first place was because I couldn't go into reverse. I was trying to pull a u-turn and just didn't make it so I ended up taking out the phone.

I'm not really stressing the situation as of now, or at least I'm trying my best to not stress the situation because it's pretty pointless and I know if I let something like this stress me out I'm going to get myself in the same situation I always find myself in. I already know from experience isn't what I want to happen. We figure what is the worst that could happen? I have insurance, it's the basic but I am covered. I might just get hit with a fine and most likely have to pay for the damages to the phone...meaning I'll have to use a good amount of money which blows because I was planning on getting my new phone and shit. That might have to be put off got a few more checks or who knows, maybe this won't cost me as much as I am thinking.

Ok, so I'm not completely clean (I'm still taking my daily regimen of benzos, and I'm also pretty stoned right now...) but I've been off meth for at least two weeks now. Somewhere along the way I lost count of the days, but it's definitely been a couple of weeks. Fuck, I think this is the longest I've stayed off meth in the whole year!

There's an NA meeting tonight, but I don't think I'll go for a couple of reasons: 1) I'm still at Lydia's place in Auckland, and by the time I get back to my home city, the meeting will probably be nearly finished. 2) I'm starting to feel that NA isn't for me.

NA takes the "abstinence" approach when it comes to drugs (hell, even alcohol and tobacco at my group!), whereas I prefer harm reduction. I want to get my drug use under control, and use safely, rather than stopping completely. I see no problem in smoking an occasional bowl of weed or popping an E. And I will probably be on some form of medication for the rest of my life, so total abstinence won't really work for me.

But I'm glad I'm finally off meth. Most of the withdrawals have faded (with a little help from my friends clonazepam and triazolam), although I've still got some restlessness and cravings going on. If somebody offered me a baggie right now, I don't think I would be strong enough to refuse that. Hopefully in time I'll gain more control over this drug, because I'd actually love to go back to using it occasionally, instead of every day of the week like I used to.

Lydia and I are thinking about becoming "fortnightly warriors" with meth. We're planning to do a tiny amount (like a point) once every two weeks. I hope it works out, but I understand how addiction works and I know how difficult it can be to lower your intake of a hard drug once you've become addicted to it. But we'll see how it goes! If we start using more frequently, we've both agreed that we'll stop using for good.

See that dude? The one off to the side, watching in quiet understanding? Yeah, him. He did time for murder.

See that cat in the front? The one with the innocent smirk? He was a fan of robbin' convenience stores.

See the jittery guy in the back? He's new. Hasn't missed one of these things in a little over 30 days. I forgot to mention, he's a drug dealer and arsonist.

See the quiet girl who seems to notice everything? You wouldn't know it but she's a former sex worker.

These are just a few. You can multiply the faces and add the same stories to many.

Me? I'm a lying, manipulating thief who did whatever he could to hurt and sabotage himself.

These people are those that I am most comfortable with. They have been through all the bullshit. They, like me, have been beaten to their knees by themselves.

We can look at each other and understand.

We can give each other a genuine hug and tell each other 'Its gonna be alright, man. You've already been through the worst of it and, if not, we got you covered.'

These people are what life is about. REAL people trying to change.

Some can be preachy but this teaches me tolerance.

Some can be egotistical and this teaches me humility.

All of us make mistakes. This teaches me acceptance.

Some are just fuckin' annoying. They teach me patience.

I'm learning a lot up in here. I enjoy the company of my murdering, raping, thieving, prostituting, drug dealing teachers.

Looks like I've also learned gratitude.

. . . Physical symptoms too. Head is sore, my body is very tired. Energy is low. I have been avoiding drugs except for a gram taken over last weekend and shared with a few mates. Also some pot, a couple of joints also last weekend. Alcohol is on the up. I drank on Thursday night till I passed out.

Feeling very much vulnerable to self harm I went to the place I was in for a bit last year for. . . i dont know, to feel better and not get worse. Trace amounts of speed and THC were detected but so low that they were not there today so I was released with conditions.

Drugs and suicidal tendencies are a common theme now so I have to prove I am capable of sobriety as well as wanting to live to keep from being removed from my home. I regret asking for help in a way. I should not have to. I am usually pretty good you know.

Before this happened I went to the museum and saw the dinosaurs and also birds and stuffed animals. Got a t shirt of the periodic table. I am so cool. LOL.

Ill be home today with no harm done. The bad thoughts go away eventually. I told my flat mate I cant discuss certain things or I go nuts. He is a normal person who does not have the madness in his head so he does not quite get it but has agreed to not try to drag out of me things I am reluctant to talk about again. This is why i refrain from talking to a lot of people here anymore. This subject is painful for all affected I guess. Its better just left alone.

It's Saturday night, and I should be working. Instead, I'm fooling around on my computer and waiting for my wine to chill. I'm thinking about an evening of Wii and wine. The visual resemblance of those two words is surely not a coincidence, n'est ce pas?

I just took this photo on my shitty webcam. It's my dog "face mashing" me. He does this weird thing where he mashes his head into any of your body parts he has access to. It reminds me of one of my best friends who starts to talk with his head when he's hammered.

I've decided this week that - next year - I am going to go on a working holiday to Central and South America. I've got friends to stay with in Mexico, Colombia, and Brazil, so I will work in each of these countries for a month. I'm also going to make enough money to pay for food, a return ticket, and some travelling around Peru and Argentina as well. I have to save some money first, hence the span of time before I leave. I've been looking at ticket prices, and they are cheap! Yayyyyy!

The other day, I was crossing the road a stride-length behind a very attractive girl wearing a skirt, tights, and hot boots. This guy pulled up at the four-way stop in a convertible - with the top down. During Canadian winter (well, technically, it's not winter yet, but if there has already been snow, it's winter in my mind). He jammed his breaks as if he hadn't seen her (or me, for that matter) crossing the street, and revved his bloody engine whilst waiting. "Hear that? It's a mid-life crisis mating call" I jested out of his earshot. The girl laughed and walked on. Still, this whole experience got me to thinking: what is this whole mid-life crisis all about? Surely, it has something to do with not running around and not doing enough crazy shit before settling down and procreating. I mean, travelling and the like are not for everyone, but each person probably has a few things he or she should do before settling down, right? Of course, not everyone settles down, either. I wonder if I ever will.

As a result, I figured I should indulge the travel bug some more. I just feel like I need to do it. I'd rather do it now than waste the cash later on an engine I can rev at young hotties.

I've got one other thing to share. I am a head teacher at work, and I develop quite a bit of curriculum. I decided to make one of the assignments for one of our levels a "rant" - they had to write about something that pisses them off, basically. This is one of those rants, verbatim. It made me laugh, anyway. Oh, and I guess I'll just put one great big [sic] at the end of the whole thing. Keep in mind, this was written by an ESL student. Names have been removed to protect the innocent.

Walking Rage

If you like go to shopping on weekend, you're might be have "walking rage." This can make me want to KILL SOMEBODY or KICK SOMEONE'S ASS. On the weekend, after a busy week, I feel very tired, weekend is coming, I can relax on the weekend and do something what I like, like shopping. Because of weekend there are many people go to shopping. I walk on a narrow path; it might be just can through four or five people. But some people walk front of me. They walk like a line and they walk very slowly, there have no space to let me pass them. But I don't like walk like that slow or I want to go to buy something, I don't want to waste my time, sometimes my friends are wait me, I need to meet them as fast as I can. At that time, I will feel very angry. "WHAT HELLS ARE THEY DOING! Why they can't just walk at right edge, let people to walk fast who need it."

If there is a modern lady walk in front of me and she roll her buttocks, but she don't care about who is behind her and want pass, she just walk. It really makes me CRAZY. Does she a model? Does she in a fashion show? I really want CUT HER BUTTOCKS. Sometimes I want punch some people's face. Let them RELAX AT HOSPITAL, don't let them work like a line to stop people to pass them. Therefore we need to learn control ourselves. We can't just angry and do something stupid. When you feel angry just take a deep breath you will feel better.

[sic]
***
Bwahaha, poor student. Glad to see that little flash of anger management at the end.

They say you can tell a man by the shoes he wears, or by observing how they live. My mother is taking me to breakfast tomorrow, she walked downstairs as I was doing a morning fix, nothing out of control I managed to hide it, but she wanted to talk "serious". Once again everyone believes I'm strung out on drugs. I guess between the grams of cocaine, heroin, shrooms, 3 benzos, and 5 ecstasy pills I had taken over the past few days they were taking their toll on my appearance. It was to my surprise that it wasn't my physical appearance she was worried about, it was my den in the unfinished basement of my grandparents house.

She said my room is chaotic, making her think I'm also a wreck. Of course I told her not to worry, I wasn't doing any hard drugs. Obviously she didn't believe my as shortly a few hours later my cousin told me she was in tears crying...expressing her worry. I really wish I didn't hurt everyone with my habits. It seems like everyone else can do what they want with their life, but whatever I do with mine effects everyone. Load of buillshit if you ask me. I'm so nervous she will ask to look at my arms and be able to tell the fresh track marks. I just got my fingers crossed.

On a side note I had the living shit scared out of me again with my homie Chuck the other night when we were popping all those pills and banging up coke and horse. One time awhile back he invited me over to his house to get me well when I was sick and we popped a few benzos before doing a few shots. Well...he had done too much and fell out with the needle still in his hand and I had to spend the next few hours trying to keep him awake so he wouldn't die. One of the scariest moments of my life...made me realize how scared my other friend's must have been on the nights I overdosed and they had to take care of me. Basically the same thing happened the other night but he this was the first time he had done heroin in about a month (I still had been on suboxone and doing dope so I was aware of what my tolerance was, also I should have known the shot was too big because of the amount of benzo's he had taken). He fell out...

I had seen him like this before...I had done heroin with Chuck more then anyone I knew. I figured it was just like anyone else nodding out, I had done the same shit many times. But the other guys in the room freaked out causing a seen bitching at me saying how could I call myself a friend because I had almost let me homie die. They took him in the shower and started throwing him around and hitting him trying to get him to wake up. I was too high to really comprehend what was going on, but I knew they were over reacting. I wanted to help my homie, but that wasn't the way. I felt like shouting for them to stop...if anything all they were going to do was knock him out even more.

Finally they got him up and we had to leave right away. It took us three hours to get to his house and finally I got him in the hallway outside his house. I managed to find his keys and take all of his shit in and lock it up. I kept him as awake as I could, and covered him with a blanket before leaving him outside in the hall (he refused to come inside). I left a note on the door telling him to text me as soon as he could...if he wasn't mad at me. I told him I had nothing to do with what happened in the apartment and that I was the one who took care of him after that.

I was glad to hear from him the next morning...he was ok and not mad at me at all. If anything...he said thanks for taking care of him...

Mostly because I don't have the time to put together a standalone Blog post.

THE BASICS...

1. Name as it appears on your birth certificate? David 'Archangel' 'Son-of-Lis'.
2. Nicknames? None
3. Number of candles that appeared on your last birthday cake? 3 I think.
4. Date of birth? 3 September 1980
5. Starsign? Double virgo
6. Pets? nope
7. Height? 6'2"
8. Weight? Around 210 lbs
9. Eye colour? Blue-green
10. Hair colour? Dark brown
11. Piercing? Nope
12. Tattoos? None Yet
13. Birthplace? Edmonton, Alberta
14. Do you have a job? Yes
15. Do you have any lookalikes? I've been told that I look like all kinds of people, but none that really stick out.

HAVE YOU OR HAVEN'T YOU...

16. Been in love before? No
17. Been drunk? sure
18. Been so drunk you passed out? nope
19. Been involved in a car crash? a couple
20. Had the drink Calypso Breeze? Sounds like a feminine hygiene product
21. Been toilet-papered? ... do people actually do that?
22. Tried Marijuana? Yup
23. Gone skinny-dipping? Nope
24. Dyed your hair? Yea, but not for years now
25. Been handcuffed? No
26. Been convicted of a crime? No
27. Stolen anything from someone else? I used to be a bit of a klepto, but only from convenience and book stores. Never from anyone that I knew. And not at all in the last 15 years or so. Except for work when I was working at Starbucks
28. Stolen anything from a hotel room? Nope
29. Voluntarily looked at pornography? Bwhahaha! No, I was forced at gunpoint
30. Started a rumour to hurt someone else? No

RANDOM QUESTIONS...

31. What was the name of your childhood blanket? It didn't have a name
32. Which single store would you choose to go on a shopping spree in? Dunno, I'm not much of a shopper
33. What do you do most often when you are bored? I'm rarely bored. Daydreaming is good fun.
34. What words or phrases do you overuse? 'Shits and giggles", "Exactly", too many others
35. Pet hates?
36. Best things?
37. Bedtime? 9:30-10 ish during the week, whenever on the weekend.
38. Most philosophical thought? Timor animum necat
39. If you could have a starring role in any TV show, which would you choose? My own cooking show, but I'd be wearing a Daft Punk helmet..
40. If you had three wishes, what would they be? That's a tough one. Material freedom, the ability to control my ageing as desired, about another 40 "social/emotional" IQ points.
41. What's your worst nightmare? Aphasia
42. Your most hated school subject? Before university? Gym. At univeristy? Other than some pretty loose guidelines I was able to make my own schedule, so I enjoyed pretty well everything. Physical chem and advanced organic were tough, but fascinating (especially the labs).
43. Which is more important, sex, love or friendship? ... moving on to the next question ...
44. What would be the first thing you would do to change the world? I'll expand on spork's reply: no more desire to partake in organized religion. Suppressing religions only makes them stronger, but proper education can kill them.
45. Do you watch Big Brother? I don't really watch TV. Just pre-recorded Simpsons/Futurama/IT crowd and occasionally some BSG.
46. What do you think of reality TV? The last nail in the coffin for TV, at least for me. And it really makes me lose confidence in modern humanity.
47. Which celeb would you most like to sleep with? Just sex? Not really my thing, but if someone was holding a gun to my head then probably Marisa Miller.
48. Are you a virgin? ...
49. How often do you surf the net? How often do I not?
50. What are four unusual facts about yourself that most people don't know? I spent a year at Lutheran seminary before coming out as an atheist (although still not to my parents ); I'm a pretty good cook, but my sense of smell is far less sensitive than most people's; I'm deeply opposed to the idea of having kids, but love children and secretly think that I'd be a pretty good father; I had plans in my early 20s to found and promote a nihilist/protest political party on the national level-- it got as far as getting the application to form a new party, but when I saw how much it would cost if I didn't get the minimum number of votes to stay 'official', I abandoned the plan.

[soapbox]
As such, I still hold that representational democracy is deeply flawed as a system of governance if the goal is to have 'the people' determine policy. If the goal is to have a ruling elite determine policy, then it is an excellent system as it fosters apathy and the belief that people are in control, when in fact they are simply choosing one member of the elite over another.
[/soapbox]

Surveys are fun!

...the extreme irony of the description of my blog. Well, technically I think spelling is separate from grammar, but still!

That is almost as bad as people who complain about others' "bad grammer."

Maybe I'll leave it there as a testament to not boasting about my skillz to pay da billz. That, or I'll try to pass it off as an intentional play on words. Yeah, that's it. It's a totally mthrfkn intentional play on words.

*facepalm*

Let's see how long I can leave it there without fixing it.

Man, all of a sudden I'm the entertainment committee. Dude calls me up because he's bored and wants to do something. Thats cool and all but I need me time.

First off, I'm new at hangin' out with people I've just met.

Second, if I have something, I'll give it. Now people EXPECT me to give them things. Kinda pisses me off. No... it REALLY fuckin' pisses me off.

Third, I really don't like being around people all that much. I'm finally comfortable in my own skin again, I'd like to be by myself for a few days, hang with my dog and get all the things done that I've been putting off due to some bullshit obligation to others.

I can't work other people's program for them. They need to do their own work just like everyone else.

So what this dude is bored. I went through that as well. Being bored (and dealing with it) is an important part of this thing. In the past when we were bored we simply just used drugs to conquer that boredom.

Dude's gotta face it sooner or later. Being able to be still takes time and eventually, being comfortable with ourselves will follow.

I'm done with chasing after chaos. Don't involve me in yours.

I dunno. I guess I'm going through my own shit right now and am focusing MY shit onto others.

I still feel like I'm being taken advantage of.

There are some memories that are so difficult to forget, once forgotten they should not be awoken.

A conversation with my flat mate awoke a memory I have not been able to make peace with, something I have never been able to discuss with family, friends or my shrink. No one outside a circle of people that I and another from BL are aware of. I guess no one else but BL people could understand anyway.

I told Declan what my comprehension
Of what events occurred between Toddy and I was. How I dont know what it really was or what did happen to him. How it was the single most mentally damaging thing to happen to me so far. Ive been divorced, used like a bitch, beaten up, rolled, cheated on, assaulted, all bad things. But those things had a resolution of sorts. The disappearance of my trusted friend come lover did not have that closure.

I worked hard at getting better, getting it behind me and was at long last able to not think of him as a missing person until I actually told another human face to face about him and how confused and frightened I was. It all came back to haunt me.

So for 3 days now I have had no good sleep, no respite from the anxiety, no cessation for the need to know- where is he?

I wont ask Jody or Lara any more. I cant get any solid facts. Acceptance of the loss of a dream in such a fucked up way is the only thing I can do.

I hope this pain passes. But I doubt it will duds truly leave me. I am simply not able to truly forget what I never really understood.

The things I think of when bored..... lol

I got a GREAT idea..... but uh-uhhh not giving it away, after all you are a member Good Idea though

As I'm sure most of you know by now, me and Lydia (drug_wench) are now together as a couple. I've spent this week staying with her in Auckland, and it's been the best week I've had in a long, long time!

She was the first person I contacted when I joined Bluelight and we've been friends for a while now. Even though I hadn't met her in real life, I could tell she was a really kind-hearted person with an awesome personality, who was facing similar struggles to me. I noticed I was slowly getting feelings for her as we chatted online and texted each other over the year, but it wasn't until I met her a couple of weeks ago that I knew I was instantly attacted to her!

I desperately wanted to tell her how I felt about her, but I was scared that it would ruin the friendship - or at least make things very awkward! So the first time we met, we were basically just hanging out together as friends. I could tell she was sending signals to me, but I guess my insecure mind dismissed them and thought I was reading into things too much.

A day or two after I dropped her home, I sent her a text telling her I was in love with her. I was terrified, but I couldn't hold the feelings inside me any longer. A few minutes later I got a reply: "ffs babe, isn't it obvious? i've been feeling the exact same way!" :D

I don't really believe in fate, but it really does seem that Lydia and I were meant to be together. The last few years have been so difficult for both of us, but now it finally seems that we have the happiness we deserve. We each have someone to love, to support, and to keep us going. I used to have very little motivation to get healthy and quit using meth, but now I definitely do!

Life so complicated
So fustrating
Would you still love me
if you knew my secrets
I bet you would.

Heart beat so sequential
so unmistakable
I could hear it through the crowd
Constant beat like a techno dance floor.

Silken touch upon my hip
my frenzied heartbeat to match your own
my ear upon your chest
the place I most want to be.

The sound so heavenly to my ear.

When I am alone with my thoughts I think...

Why the fuck do I hold some of my thoughts or responses back with you? One time in particular, I said nothing at all.

At least I was honest this time and said what I thought. I just wish I didn't leave, I feel like a doofus and crappy for leaving but hey, meh well.... i'll be ok. Just stupidness as par my usual.

Someone asked me if I was scared of you. Instantly I said "Never", in a way that's not true, physically yeah Im not. Emotionally, dude, you scare the fuck out of me.

I know your not into the whole emo scene, so I won't write stuff on here. I just can't write it elsewhere, this blog is the one place where I can express my thoughts freely.

Sometimes I wish you read these things, but then again at times I'm glad you probably don't.

You once asked me, how I could like someone fucked up like you. Sweetheart, I'm just as fucked up as you. There are many things you don't know about me, my family, my life...as I am sure the same goes for you. I am fucked up in my own way too.

I just wish you had more LIFE self worth. Have no fear for nothing type thing, worries me sometimes about you.

I would hate to lose you in any way, by death or just stupidity. You are my greatest friend, you are more than that to me, you know I love you, but I know/guess that's not your type of thing right now...or ever.

Doesn't help with my fucked up situation here. ex's, kids, drama, almost constantly. I'm sorry things are a mess in my life. I know I shouldn't be sorry but I am. If they weren't I guess I would be a better friend/whatever.

I know you don't like the emo stuff, but your the fresh air in my life. You are not the easiest person to get along with at times, but you are the easiest to fall in love with.

My heart never changes, and I told you that once that I you and all that falling in stuff....

My heart will always you. As you will always be my greatest friend. Like I said I am a stubborn ass bitch and never give up on my friends or the people I love.

Now enough of the emo shit....LOL

I have shit to do, I have to continue this blog later.... grrr .... lol


GOD I'M FUCKED UP!!