I quit Saturday 14th November.
That's a long way off..... I didn't really choose the date -- it's the earliest that I could get time off work. I'm NOT going to work through this, not again.
Looking on the bright side:
Of course, I'm also immensly relieved that I don't have to stop TODAY, or in the near-near future. I can't deny that, but I reguse ot put it in the "bright side" list.
I expect this will beinterpreted by some as stalling - "I'll quit.... next year". More about that in a minute. Let me deal with the "we have time to get rid of all the meph" thing first. I know this doesn't sound good -- if there is still some left at the beginning of that week, won't I just have a mephy holiday? I won't go into it -- but trust me, there will be NO MEPH here that day.
"You're just stalling"
To me, saying "no I'm not" to this is about as valuable as "no, I'm not in denial!".
Just to be absolutely clear - I have no intention of coming up with an 'I'll quit next....year".
The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
If nothing else, please believe my sincerity, and realise that point these things out won't actually change them.
It's a possibility that we will somehow justify carrying on. I have to admit that, or I'd just be lying to myself. I think being more honest about my own failures is a good thing....
I've believed in myself and my ability to change so many times. "I can do this". But when I quit drinking, I was at the point where I was afraid I'd never, ever be free of it. So self belief isn't necessary.
Likewise with my boyfriend. I must remember that believing in him and being vocal about it is a bad thing.
Saying "no, you have no self control, you'll fail" might goad someone into "proving you wrong", but that's a pretty unhealthy sounding relationship.
In the past I've always totally and truly believed in his ability to resist - sometimes correctly, generally not. I thought that being "supportive" would buoy his confidence in himself and hence self control.
But it's not just about self control. Sometimes it's just impossible, the temptation, craving, and situaion is too much....
Upshot:
Me being me, I've very rarely expressed any negative feeling to him about this. Actually, I'm very rarely even annoyed -- I know how easily it can happen and god knows I've broken enough "no more meph" promises. Less consciously his failures give me buffer room to fail too.
I've been reading lots about addiction, and the general consensus seems to be that in that situation I should yell at him. Make him feel shitty.
I assume the idea is that he'l make a negative association with meph -- meph gets him told off.
This wouldn't work with me. Taking the meph made me feel GOOD. It's the promise I made and the yelling that made me feel bad -- and I don't really associate the two together.
I'll ask him what his view is!
The one that is more clear cut but equally hard is the "I did something really stupid when I was on meph". I've always reacted to that in the "nice" way -- comfort, hugs, minimisation of the event, a bnit of humour and a change of subject.
I think it's pretty clear that that's the wrong thing to do now. But it's so hard to see someone you love in pain and not want to make it better.
Seems this is all general relationship stuff - how we treat each other - that applies equally to his behaviour towards me. I can guess where he stands on most of this, but will do the obvious thing and ask him
I only wish I could do it sober. We're both far too "understanding" on meph. But it's preferable to a comedown conversation -- he'd look bored yet irritated and give me one word answers, at which point I'd burst into tears. Ahhhhh, emotional instability, yay.
That's a long way off..... I didn't really choose the date -- it's the earliest that I could get time off work. I'm NOT going to work through this, not again.
Looking on the bright side:
- This gives us plenty of time to get rid of all the meph.
- Time for reading about addiction, ways of kicking it, and ways of dealing with comedowns (it's basically a 10 day comedown!)
- Time to figure out coping strategies etc
Of course, I'm also immensly relieved that I don't have to stop TODAY, or in the near-near future. I can't deny that, but I reguse ot put it in the "bright side" list.
I expect this will beinterpreted by some as stalling - "I'll quit.... next year". More about that in a minute. Let me deal with the "we have time to get rid of all the meph" thing first. I know this doesn't sound good -- if there is still some left at the beginning of that week, won't I just have a mephy holiday? I won't go into it -- but trust me, there will be NO MEPH here that day.
"You're just stalling"
To me, saying "no I'm not" to this is about as valuable as "no, I'm not in denial!".
Just to be absolutely clear - I have no intention of coming up with an 'I'll quit next....year".
The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
If nothing else, please believe my sincerity, and realise that point these things out won't actually change them.
It's a possibility that we will somehow justify carrying on. I have to admit that, or I'd just be lying to myself. I think being more honest about my own failures is a good thing....
I've believed in myself and my ability to change so many times. "I can do this". But when I quit drinking, I was at the point where I was afraid I'd never, ever be free of it. So self belief isn't necessary.
Likewise with my boyfriend. I must remember that believing in him and being vocal about it is a bad thing.
Saying "no, you have no self control, you'll fail" might goad someone into "proving you wrong", but that's a pretty unhealthy sounding relationship.
In the past I've always totally and truly believed in his ability to resist - sometimes correctly, generally not. I thought that being "supportive" would buoy his confidence in himself and hence self control.
But it's not just about self control. Sometimes it's just impossible, the temptation, craving, and situaion is too much....
Upshot:
- I "learn" that he can't be trusted
- He feels shit and guilty
Me being me, I've very rarely expressed any negative feeling to him about this. Actually, I'm very rarely even annoyed -- I know how easily it can happen and god knows I've broken enough "no more meph" promises. Less consciously his failures give me buffer room to fail too.
I've been reading lots about addiction, and the general consensus seems to be that in that situation I should yell at him. Make him feel shitty.
I assume the idea is that he'l make a negative association with meph -- meph gets him told off.
This wouldn't work with me. Taking the meph made me feel GOOD. It's the promise I made and the yelling that made me feel bad -- and I don't really associate the two together.
I'll ask him what his view is!
The one that is more clear cut but equally hard is the "I did something really stupid when I was on meph". I've always reacted to that in the "nice" way -- comfort, hugs, minimisation of the event, a bnit of humour and a change of subject.
I think it's pretty clear that that's the wrong thing to do now. But it's so hard to see someone you love in pain and not want to make it better.
Seems this is all general relationship stuff - how we treat each other - that applies equally to his behaviour towards me. I can guess where he stands on most of this, but will do the obvious thing and ask him
I only wish I could do it sober. We're both far too "understanding" on meph. But it's preferable to a comedown conversation -- he'd look bored yet irritated and give me one word answers, at which point I'd burst into tears. Ahhhhh, emotional instability, yay.