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THE BASICS...

1. Name as it appears on your birth certificate? ------------
2. Nicknames? Jazzy J (not found of it), Dogface (thanks katie)
3. Number of candles that appeared on your last birthday cake? no cake and no party
4. Date of birth? 11-20-1970
5. Starsign? Scorpio
6. Pets? An 11 year old Akita
7. Height? 5' 11.5" (gotta add the .5 cause chicks like tall guys I hear)
8. Weight? 190lbs
9. Eye colour? Hazel
10. Hair colour? shaved
11. Piercing? ears but I don't use the holes anymore
12. Tattoos? one on each arm and one on my back
13. Birthplace? Somewhere outside of Philadelphia
14. Do you have a job? nope
15. Do you have any lookalikes? all us bald white guys look alike


HAVE YOU OR HAVEN'T YOU...

16. Been in love before? Yes
17. Been drunk? ummm.... I'm a Darksider
18. Been so drunk you passed out? See number 17
19. Been involved in a car crash? Quite a few
20. Had the drink Calypso Breeze? I do not have a vagina
21. Been toilet-papered? no i haven't
22. Tried Marijuana? More than tried
23. Gone skinny-dipping? yes I have
24. Dyed your hair? once had a mohawk. apparently dark red turns to pink after showering. I looked REAL tough after that mistake
25. Been handcuffed? by girlfriends and the police
26. Been convicted of a crime? define 'convicted'
27. Stolen anything from someone else? junkies tend to do that kind of thing on occasion
28. Stolen anything from a hotel room? towels, soap, shampoo, etc.
29. Voluntarily looked at pornography? Absolutely
30. Started a rumour to hurt someone else? most likely


RANDOM QUESTIONS...

31. What was the name of your childhood blanket? don't remember
32. Which single store would you choose to go on a shopping spree in? Macy's
33. What do you do most often when you are bored? sleep
34. What words or phrases do you overuse? 'gotcha', 'you fucker', 'motherfucker', 'dude', 'yo'
35. Pet hates? not really sure if I can list just one
36. Best things? dogs, computers, music, sex
37. Bedtime? it varies
38. Most philosophical thought? I'm not the most profound person in the world
39. If you could have a starring role in any TV show, which would you choose? Hells Kitchen
40. If you had three wishes, what would they be? removal of my obsession for drugs, stability, self-confidence
41. What's your worst nightmare? immortality
42. Your most hated school subject? religion
43. Which is more important, sex, love or friendship? love
44. What would be the first thing you would do to change the world? unity among people
45. Do you watch Big Brother? absolutely not
46. What do you think of reality TV? fake
47. Which celeb would you most like to sleep with? celebs have egos which is a HUGE turn off
48. Are you a virgin? I wish I was at times so I could have an excuse for my sexual naivete
49. How often do you surf the net? all the time (even while driving)
50. What are four unusual facts about yourself that most people don't know? 'Stonewall' Jackson is a distant relative, I learned 'ape language' from Edgar Rice Burroughs Tarzan novels when I was a kid, I can make fart noises by pressing my hands together

Hi!

Welcome to my blog of self pity and whining. I'm neither eloquent nor filled with deep thoughts that I'm unable to express -- so don't expect a literary masterpiece, please.

Me and alcohol
Meph is the second substance I've had abuse issues with. From age 20 to 23 I had a pretty crap alcohol problem. I'll shy away from "alcoholic" - technically I fit the definition, but I think that's better reserved for people who suffer physical withdrawal. I never drank in the morning or during the day, but managed about 130 units of alcohol a week. I convinced myself that this was ok and that i was "having fun" for about 2 years. In the last year I finally recognised it as a problem. A problem that I seemed powerless to get past.
My GP was no help ("you play computer games and watch TV in the evenings? No wonder you're an alcohol, what a boring and unrewarding life"). Eventually got it sorted with the help of a £240 an hour psychiatrist. Don't think he said anything that wasn't obvious -- but the obvious things didn't occur to me.

I was sober for about 3 months. Then a handful of binges spread over a another 4 months.

Though I'd cracked the habit and now drank significantly less than the average person, I still craved alcohol. I enjoyed MDMA recreationally, but to me it was orthoganal to booze.

Enter meph!

Enter meph, April 2009!
It's so obvious now that I just substituted one habit for another. Not for the same reasons - with alcohol I was trying to get away from anxiety, self loathing, etc etc. Meph was genuinely FUN! I did my first dose in the company of you fine BlueLighters, gabbling away in the EADD meph thread until gently nudged into the "I'm fucked" thread.

A bit of generic background
I feel horrible when I adopt a phrase usually used by opiate/other well'ard drug addicts. It feels like my poxy psychological addiction doesn't belong in the same class.
Nonetheless, I'd describe myself as a functioning addict.
I have a degree in maths & compsci, and I work in electronics engineering (professional geek). My job is pretty demanding, but I've yet to seriously fuck up because of alcohol/drugs. I take a lot of sick days - whereever possible I invent an excuse that allows me to take it from my holiday allowance and I think I'm getting a reputation for being unreliable, but my work is generally fine.

I'm 24, I lived alone until a few months ago when my boyfriend moved in. I'm debatably blonde ("dirty blonde", hell yes).

I have no hobbies. In my spare time (when not on drugs) I lounge in front of the TV (Hollyoaks is my secret vice. Oh yeah, I can't keep secrets), play games (WoW, replaying FFVII on ps3, that sorta thing). I surf the net and post on here and other forums. I chat and hang out with my fella.
I guess the important thing to notice there is that there's nothing that being fucked prevents me from doing. I have tried to adopt "rewarding" hobbies - but unfortunately I haven't found anything I enjoy yet. I guess I'm just a bad person.

Fella
My boyfriend is a fellow Bluelighter, mugabe. We met at a meetup in London, and a few awesome msn convos later, I was in full "yeeeek infatuation" mode. Lucky for me, so was he. I never believed in soulmates until I met him
He's a meph addict too - and certainly we have not helped each other with this, because of a mutual "don't harass me about my drug use" agreement.

Ancient history
For the "it all stems from your childhood" fans, yeah, probably. My dad was an abusive (that's physical+mental, not sexual) psychopath, left when I was 13, but not without doing quite a lot of damage before he did. My older sister looked after me so much and helped me to keep it together. Just as I'd pretty much picked up the pieces, she died in a freak accident age 23 while I was 15. I was completely numb to that and think I probably never really "dealt with it". Then my mum got arrested for dealing weed, 2 years later when I was 17.

Read into it if you want. I think the psychological torment my dad put me through has done some damage, but I don't think any of those things contributed to my current drug problems.

Oh. I'm 5'2. My natural weight is about 8st 5, probably hovering around 7st at the moment cos of the meph.

THE BASICS...

1. Name as it appears on your birth certificate? Theresa Crain
2. Nicknames? None
3. Number of candles that appeared on your last birthday cake? No cake on my last bday lol
4. Date of birth? may 29
5. Starsign? Gemini
6. Pets? 3 dogs, 1 cat
7. Height? 5' 8"
8. Weight? 120
9. Eye colour? Blue
10. Hair colour? Blonde
11. Piercing? tongue, ears
12. Tattoos? 3, and more to come
13. Birthplace? Ft Lauderdale.... broward county bitchhh!
14. Do you have a job? Not at the moment, just taking care of my son
15. Do you have any lookalikes? nahh



HAVE YOU OR HAVEN'T YOU...

16. Been in love before? Yep
17. Been drunk? Haha duh
18. Been so drunk you passed out? Yes sir
19. Been involved in a car crash? Yes
20. Had the drink Calypso Breeze? No
21. Been toilet-papered? No
22. Tried Marijuana? yes, smoke be4 bed.. helps me sleep. Other than that, nah makes me 2 lazy and stupid haha
23. Gone skinny-dipping? Yes
24. Dyed your hair? Yes, black and it was a big mistake.
25. Been handcuffed? God, yes..
26. Been convicted of a crime? Yeah, when i was a juvenile. for drugs of course =/
27. Stolen anything from someone else? Yes, not proud though
28. Stolen anything from a hotel room? Yes lol bath oils and soap
29. Voluntarily looked at pornography? Yeah but its pointless and i think its only for pigs, sorry.
30. Started a rumour to hurt someone else? Prob back in highschool lol


RANDOM QUESTIONS...

31. What was the name of your childhood blanket? my blankie lol
32. Which single store would you choose to go on a shopping spree in? Not sure... spencers, macys, shit if i could have a shopping spree at a tattoo parlor, thatd be awesome as well.
33. What do you do most often when you are bored? Sit online lol. Or go walking / jogging
34. What words or phrases do you overuse? WTF lol...
35. Pet hates? training a puppy lol
36. Best things? Too many to name. My son, drugs hehe, partyin with the besties. mcuh much more
37. Bedtime? When im tired... not 2 late tho knowing i gotta wake up early w/ the kid
38. Most philosophical thought? dunno?
39. If you could have a starring role in any TV show, which would you choose? CSI maybe?
40. If you had three wishes, what would they be? Win the lottery, give my son whatever he wants, and to settle down with a REAL family. ahem, long story
41. What's your worst nightmare? Not being successful i guess.....
42. Your most hated school subject? Math and History....
43. Which is more important, sex, love or friendship? LOVE & friendship
44. What would be the first thing you would do to change the world? not sure. id have to think about that 1 .
45. Do you watch Big Brother? No.
46. What do you think of reality TV? some shows are good
47. Which celeb would you most like to sleep with? Lol.. hmmm Ryan Reynolds?
48. Are you a virgin? Yep, sure.
49. How often do you surf the net? 2 much . im addcited to the internet lol
50. What are four unusual facts about yourself that most people don't know? Im not as innocent as they all think

well, the my university "grind" is about to begin today..

Got a Corporate Finance exam at 7pm tonight (11am now), which is going to be a bitch, because I hate the class and don't know as much as I should. Normally I would be freaking out at this point, but for some reason, honestly I just don't care.

I've kept high grades my whole life, and at this point I know it's not all about grades. So if I fuck this up, I fuck it up, not that big of a deal, i've messed up the 1st midterm before and still destroyed the class with a high grade.

But yea, whats more of a pain is that I have an exam tomorrow - 9am saturday morning too. gonna be easier than finance, but still, blah.

It's a rainy fuckin friday - the kind I love. I wouldn't love anything more than to be standing outside on my porch, bags packed, waiting on my dad to pick me up for the weekend. But he is in heart surgery like, right now. But he should be out at noon.

ahhh i just wanna fast forward to tomorrow at noon, where i'll just be like "fuck yea"

i'll preface this with that i'm one of those kind of people that like to watch something before i go to bed so i can coddle my small primate brain into letting me get some sleep, but over the three months or so i've been here in greece i haven't watched more then a lick of tv; i usually attribute this to a. the tv being the in the kitchen, b. most of if being in greek (minus cnn ofc) and c. tv fucking sucks.

irregardless, (u mad i just used that word?) my solution has been the occasional livestream and/or torrent'ing a movie or two on a nightly basis. i ended up writing this list up yesterday because i downloading the same movie again again (its happened a few times now), not realizing i've already seen it and wasted about an hour of my time heh.

so newayz, with further ado: here is my short list & synopsis of the movies i watched while i've been here (that i remember).

serenity (05) "The crew of the ship Serenity tries to evade an assassin sent to recapture one of their number who is telepathic." http://imdb.com/title/tt0379786/

the man from earth (07) "An impromptu goodbye party for Professor John Oldman becomes a mysterious interrogation after the retiring scholar reveals to his colleagues he is an immortal who has walked the earth for 14,000 years." http://imdb.com/title/tt0756683

undead (03) "A quaint Australian fishing village is overcome by meteorites that turn its residents into the ravenous undead, leaving a small group of those unharmed to find a way out." http://imdb.com/title/tt0339840/

zombieland (09) we all know what this is

faq about time travel (09) "While drinking at their local pub, three social outcasts attempt to navigate a time-travel conundrum. " http://imdb.com/title/tt0910554/

the thaw (09) "A research expedition to the Arctic discovers that a melting polar ice cap has released a deadly prehistoric parasite." http://imdb.com/title/tt1235448/
adventureland

district 9 (09) "An extraterrestrial race forced to live in slum-like conditions on Earth suddenly finds a kindred spirit in a government agent who is exposed to their biotechnology." http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1136608/

igby goes down (02) "A young man's peculiar upbringing renders him unable to competently cope with the struggle of growing up." http://imdb.com/title/tt0280760/

doghouse (09) "A group of men head to a remote village to help one of their friends get over his divorce; when they get there, though, they discover that all the women have been infected with a virus that makes them man-hating cannibals." http://imdb.com/title/tt1023500/

infestation (09) "A slacker awakes to find himself weak and wrapped in a webbing; after realizing that the world has been taken over by giant alien insects, he wakes a ragtag group of strangers and together they fight for survival." http://imdb.com/title/tt1020543/

whatever works (09) "-naive Mississippi runaway Melodie to live in his apartment, his reclusive rages give way to an unlikely friendship and Boris begins to mold the impressionable young girl's worldly views to match his own." http://imdb.com/title/tt1178663

primer (04) "Four friends/fledgling entrepreneurs, knowing that there's something bigger and more innovative than the different error-checking devices they've built, wrestle over their new time-traveling inventions paradoxes." http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0390384/

humanitys end (09) "The last man in the universe is hunted down by a hybrid race known as the Nephilim." http://imdb.com/title/tt1249453/

big fish (03) "A story about a son trying to learn more about his dying father by reliving stories and myths his father told him about himself." http://imdb.com/title/tt0319061/

the skeptic (09) "A 30 something lawyer moves into his aunts large house after her death. Clever & Scary. " http://imdb.com/title/tt0493451/

Click to expand...

and the ones highlighted in red are the movies that particularly r0x0red on my scale of roxor. so blog0rz of bluelight, can you suggest me some moar sir? oh and i just wanna throw in that i'm watching syfy's new stargate universe series, and i'm thoroughly enjoying that too. um num num num

I really think I should start doing it professionally and not myself.

I baught this stuff that is supposed to turn Dark/Black hair to brown.....brown to lighter brown....and medium brown to a sany brown type colour.

Its looking more black-ish than anything....but I messed up and wasnt paying attention and i added the conditionar creme too....so nothing might happen at all.

I might have to go buy another box of dye. Gesh!

$12.99 for half assed job
$60.00 (i think) for professional

being broke..... $12.99 wins LOL

I might post a picture later for the lulz.

THE BASICS...

1. Name as it appears on your birth certificate? This is confidential information. hahaha
2. Nicknames? I have a few- friends call me *** and my husband calls me **z and sometimes he calls me Snuggle Snack or Baby
3. Number of candles that appeared on your last birthday cake? No cake....poor me.
4. Date of birth? !/25
5. Starsign? Aquarius sun-Libra Rising-Libra Moon
6. Pets? 2 kitties
7. Height? 5' 8"
8. Weight?I don't even wanna know- I keep getting bigger- but I have started exercising so if that scale goes up next Dr.'s visit I will scream
9. Eye colour? Hazel
10. Hair colour? Reddish brown but right now it is dyed dark brown with my red being defiant and showing through.
11. Piercing? All gone. I had my lip, nose and ears but took em all out.
12. Tattoos? 2 but my hubby recently said okay to another! YAY!!!!!
13. Birthplace? USA
14. Do you have a job? no
15. Do you have any lookalikes? nope.



HAVE YOU OR HAVEN'T YOU...

16. Been in love before? Yep
17. Been drunk? Oh yes. Immaliteweighttoo
18. Been so drunk you passed out? Certainly have.
19. Been involved in a car crash? Yes. A couple....
20. Had the drink Calypso Breeze? nope
21. Been toilet-papered? Nope
22. Tried Marijuana? hahahahahahahaha
23. Gone skinny-dipping? Yes!
24. Dyed your hair? Uh huh.
25. Been handcuffed? Hand cuffed- meaning with real handcuffs?? No.
26. Been convicted of a crime? Not yet...
27. Stolen anything from someone else? Yes
28. Stolen anything from a hotel room? yeah-
29. Voluntarily looked at pornography? Yes but find it more pathetic than anything- Makes me sad for the people doing it.
30. Started a rumour to hurt someone else? Probably


RANDOM QUESTIONS...

31. What was the name of your childhood blanket? "Blankie."
32. Which single store would you choose to go on a shopping spree in? Target?? Or if it was a total free for all Urban Outfitters or SEPHORA!
33. What do you do most often when you are bored? Read, crochet, try to be crafty, bake, get online......
34. What words or phrases do you overuse? I say seriously alot. I say like alot......huh? and what? are spoken often
35. Pet hates? Poop and vomit
36. Best things? things as in best material possessions or best thing in general - This is confusing.....um- my husband? my kitties, my house, astrology, my brother, um......my new boots
37. Bedtime? Varies
38. Most philosophical thought? hahahahhahummmm........ do spirits have rainy days? or is it always sunny? If it is rainy, do they have emotions about weather?
39. If you could have a starring role in any TV show, which would you choose? Um.....No clue.
40. If you had three wishes, what would they be? Children-Unlimited supply of money and good health and happiness
41. What's your worst nightmare? dont want to say
42. Your most hated school subject? uh- it was probably math.
43. Which is more important, sex, love or friendship? Love
44. What would be the first thing you would do to change the world? I'd erase Religion (not spirituality) and end all negativity.
45. Do you watch Big Brother? No.
46. What do you think of reality TV? Some of its funny
47. Which celeb would you most like to sleep with? my husband of course!
48. Are you a virgin? Yeah. Im a virgin.:D
49. How often do you surf the net? Too often.
50. What are four unusual facts about yourself that most people don't know? I don't know but I'd be open for questioning

Huuuuuuuuuuge thanks to OverDone and ocean. You guys are the best!

Walking into shoppers thinking Mytol.....but I truely needed Gravol..... fuck, where the hell was my brain earlier? LOL

Good thing I realized my stupidity before asking where to find the Mytol...lol

Though it took me a good 5 minutes to find the Gravol....

Gonna pop 2 around 1am just to be safe..... don't want to repeats tonight...... yeah that was fucking appealing......brelahhh! *heaving sounds* LOL NOT!

Finally got me a damned belt too, so I'm happy to be getting out without worrying that my pants are gonna end up around my ankles....though I am sure some people wouldn;t mind LOL

Yeah Yeah my ego, i know where to stuff it.....

I wonder..... what is so appealing about anal beads? its not like its a dildo or vibe.....

Yeah I'm just random like that shit..... LOL

Wish I had something to get high on.....dried up and all i got it smokes.....shit...... i dont dare take T's shit....he takes enough to kill a throughbred horse.....

Hmn. No not even gonna touch that one with a 10 foot pole....haha and has nothign at all to do with T just to get things clear here.... LOL

Gravol..... shit better work..... $5.85 name brand mofo...

I feel like going to missbehavn around xmas maybe just after.... see what toys i can buy.....

there I go being random again....... boredom can do that to me......

I wonder what my doc is gonna say when the fuck ever i can figure out when my appointment it, they aint answerign their phones today....mofos!

Probably friday or monday.....it had a 2 in it and it was in the morning is all i recall LOL....yeah Im awful *shrugs*

Im bored.... *pouts* I only slept 2hrs tonight.... should be enough but I'll probably still be tired ...LOL Im such a wuss haha eh well....

FUN TIMES!



..... boredom and sober.... not very fun....

Don't really know what people write about in these things , or if anyone even cares at all about what im going to write, but fuck it. Im sitting at home bored as hell, and trying to make the most out of my last roxy. (which im rarely feeling since ive been taking them almost everyday for a good couple weeks) .. "sigh" anyways, I wouldn't say that i am a "newbie" to opiates, knowing ive been tkaing them now for quite awhile .. almost every day or every few days for a good month or 2. But before that, I was horribly addicted to cocaine, started that shit when i was 16. (i am 21 now) and im doing alot better. Last time i did powder was a good couple weeks ago but i only did about 2 lines w/ a friend and thank god i had 2 roxys afterwards for my comedown or else i would of been right back to where i started. I know most people don't believe that when you;re young , weed is a gateway drug, but i honestly believe it is. Back in the days when i was a young teen, that was all i did until i got introduced to cocaine. Didn't think bad of it, just nver really thought about it at all, never crossed my mind .Always told myself id never smoke crack though, but eventually cocaine gets old and then it leads to smokin rock and that was def something im glad to be out of. Tried it once a couple yrs ago, then stopped. Did it again a few other times, stopped. Then in early August went on a week binge and smoked it all day/all night with no sleep for a good 8 days. Wow. What a trip that was...... good times though i can say, but luckily i was blessed because tons of other BS happened during that week which almost had me locked up for a minimum of 5 years. So i thank god everyday i got another chance. So, with the whole pill thing... i never thought id ever have a problem with that either. I would take bars here and there... once in awhile if a couple of friends had them. But nothing serious... not really all into that. But the first time i ever did an oxycontin , was snorting an 80 all in one shot (which i know i was completely stupid) .. i was skeeted for a good week , then just did that. Oh man.. the feeling i got from that was just awesome. I was never all into the "downers'.. it was always the uppers i was interested in. But besides almost ODing and having my eyes rolling to the back of my head and me not being able to speak and puking all night , i had a great time on it hehe. But anywho... i love oxys. They're just so damn expensive and i sure as hell cannot afford them But roxys are just the same. Still expensive, but i think as of right now they';re my fav. I just love the relaxation, and the stress free hour or 2 i have from taking it. Its like heaven... I love snorting them, but i think all of it might not be getting through to my bloodstream, sometimes i cant even feel it going up my nose. EVENTUALLY, if i keep sniffing hard enough , ill feel alil bit of a drip and i love it. So im thnking from now on i might just start swallowing them ... at least until my nose isn;t so stuffed up. But i know im just rambling on and on, but hey its a blog.. and i thought id make one and see if i get any comments or can chat w/ some cool people and get some advice and what not . But anywho, to the people who actually read this, thanks ! hehe

i am rather picky about what i use for certain things...

• i use dark blue typeface when chatting online
• when writing in pen, i will only use fine tip black pens
• taking notes is done in pencil with .05mm tip
• my jackets are all black or charcoal
• there are more things that i can't think of...

my mom was extremely angry with and called some cops to come pick me up and told them i had pot in my room. instead of searching my room they took me to this place. before that, i went rummaging through my room removing all paraphernalia thinking they would ransack everything. suddenly all the bowls and bongs i had ever owned were in my room and i had no where to put them. plus three different sized bags of pot. so i decided to put everything in my underwear except for the bongs which i threw out the window. arriving at this place they took me into a sort of lobby where i sat. people started coming in sitting around me. one guy to my left stared at me and made faces as if he couldnt believe he was seeing me. like, "holy crap i cant believe it's you" face. to my right another guy sat down with bleached hair that didnt match his skin tone at all. they both looked familiar but i had no clue. i still had all these things in my underwear so i wasnt about to get up. but i did tell them i knew them but didnt know from where.
by the time i was suppose to be taking a drug test i went back to the bathroom with four other girls and before the lady came in with the cups and such this girl gave each of us a blue tablet. it dissolved quickly on my tongue and tasted like chewy sweetarts. apparently it helped and i passed the test. i had left bowls everywhere though. on my chair where i was sitting, on a nearby table, even in the bathroom and i had dropped two bags of pot while signing my name to get out of the place. the lady took it and gave me a mean look.

I feel so low it's not even funny. This is not meant to be a pity party. It's simply how I see things.

I have no family. The only fucking family I had that I cared about was gma, and she died 2 years ago. My mom is a useless piece of shit who I don't talk to. My dad and I never met and wants nothing to do with me. I am alone. Sure my ex and me are best friends. We help eachother out. She's about the only person I have who gives a flying fuck about me and who I even care about. I love her to death.

But what is the point of it all if there's no point in living? I don't take risks. I don't have fun. I don't even know what I enjoy. I go out and think ok, I'm supposed to have fun. These fucking kids in high school, they go out to friends houses, they go to movies, they hang around the mall. But I'm never satisfied, I'm always empty. I always want some deep meaningful thing to happen. Otherwise I'm depressed and bored. Or maybe I'm missing everything. I don't know. Everything feels empty. Everything is nothing. Fuck this. I'm sick of watching what I say and do, for fear I'll fuck up my life. I'm sick of going out in public, or even talking to friends and seeing nothing but betrayal in their eyes, misunderstanding, hatred, and I get scared. The only person who I'm close enough to to trust is my ex. She feels the same. But she has a kid to live for. I don't. I don't have a reason. She used to be my reason but we're not together now and I dont know what I mean to her, she says she loves me to death but even being around her is empty now. I don't know what's wrong with me. Never make friends with strangers. Never fall in love cause it only hurts inthe end. Never live. Just die. The end. I am sick of feeling so alone. I'm looking to move out of this house with my housemates and getting my own place. But nothing makes me happy anymore. It's the same old shit, same old town, get up, go to work. Same old food. Same old tasteof tobacco in my mouth. Same old feeling of imminent doom all around. I'm sick of being scared of everyone and everything. I'm sick of living. It gets old. I'm sick of losing everyone and everything that means anything to me. I don't want to be alive.

THE BASICS...

1. Name as it appears on your birth certificate? That would be telling.
2. Nicknames? Sweet P, Babe, Hottie, Scatterbrain, Crackhead... I have a few.
3. Number of candles that appeared on your last birthday cake? I didn't get a cake.
4. Date of birth? A certain day of a certain month, 1985.
5. Starsign? Aquarius
6. Pets? One cat and a bunch of stuffed toy animals.
7. Height? 5' 8" ish
8. Weight? Around 48 kgs (or 105 lbs). Very skinny indeed.
9. Eye colour? Hazel
10. Hair colour? Red (dyed red, not ginger!)
11. Piercing? Ears
12. Tattoos? One day
13. Birthplace? Wellington, NZ.
14. Do you have a job? For the purposes of my benefit payments, no.
15. Do you have any lookalikes? I pity the fool!


HAVE YOU OR HAVEN'T YOU...

16. Been in love before? Yep
17. Been drunk? Oh yes. One or two beers is usually enough to get me drunk.
18. Been so drunk you passed out? Certainly have.
19. Been involved in a car crash? Yes. It was my fault, I must confess.
20. Had the drink Calypso Breeze? What the hell is that?
21. Been toilet-papered? Nope, just stabbed with a knife.
22. Tried Marijuana? Sure have!
23. Gone skinny-dipping? Yes!
24. Dyed your hair? I always dye my hair.
25. Been handcuffed? Yes, but not by the cops.
26. Been convicted of a crime? Not yet...
27. Stolen anything from someone else? Yes
28. Stolen anything from a hotel room? I think I've stolen drinks from the mini bar.
29. Voluntarily looked at pornography? Yes. Yes I have.
30. Started a rumour to hurt someone else? Don't think so. I'm too nice for that.


RANDOM QUESTIONS...

31. What was the name of your childhood blanket? "Blankie."
32. Which single store would you choose to go on a shopping spree in? Does a drug house count as a store?
33. What do you do most often when you are bored? Nothing. Literally nothing.
34. What words or phrases do you overuse? I try to use all words and phrases in moderation.
35. Pet hates? Don't get me started!
36. Best things? Drugs, music, computer.
37. Bedtime? When I get tired and/or run out of meth.
38. Most philosophical thought? Can God microwave a burrito so hot that even He could not touch it?
39. If you could have a starring role in any TV show, which would you choose? Cops, ha.
40. If you had three wishes, what would they be? True love, an end to my mental problems, and a big fat pile of cash.
41. What's your worst nightmare? I was writing answers to an endless survey on the net... oh wait.
42. Your most hated school subject? Gym
43. Which is more important, sex, love or friendship? Love
44. What would be the first thing you would do to change the world? I'd end stupidity.
45. Do you watch Big Brother? No. Big Brother watches me.
46. What do you think of reality TV? I'd rather stick my head in an oven.
47. Which celeb would you most like to sleep with? Decisions, decisions...
48. Are you a virgin? Absolutely not.
49. How often do you surf the net? Too often.
50. What are four unusual facts about yourself that most people don't know? None. I'm so open, it's scary. :D

So far I haven't had very good experiences with the mental health industry here in the states.

Yesterday I went to my first 1 on 1 session with my IOP. They had me on the waiting list for about a month and a half and I was excited when they gave me a call.

I live in a small city/town right outside Philly. Its not really 'small' but if you are in recovery, it becomes smaller. Anyway, guess who was assigned to be my therapist? A dude that is supposedly in recovery and who I had slept with his wife back in 1994. Don't get it twisted, she wasn't married when we were doing the boyfriend/girlfriend thing but I was the last guy she was with before they started doing their thing.

Because of this, I see a conflict of interest and I definitely detected an attitude about him.

Anyway, I filled out even more paperwork and he said that he was going to schedule me for group therapy in the evenings from 6 pm to 8 pm. I told him that that wouldn't work for me because I go to NA meetings every night during those time frames. he looked at me like I had two heads. He tried to tell me that it was okay because the one meeting I go to ends at 8:30. Ummmmm, are you fucking stupid with that Masters degree? Catching the last half hour of a 90 minute meeting isn't what I'm about. I enjoy and NEED the WHOLE FUCKING MEETING, jerkoff. (NOTE: i didn't speak to him in this manner but I should have).

He then said 'Well, when you get a job, it will probably be during the day, so therefore you won't be able to make your group sessions'.

This dude has 16 years clean. He should be WELL aware that it is a 'just for today' program. I can't see into the future and, when I do get a daytime or nighttime, I will adjust my schedule accordingly. For now, I don't have to adjust anything. I'm comfortable with the regular meetings I go to and have established associations with people and am in the process of building a foundation of people who are getting to know me.

After the session ended, I called them up and informed them that I am declining their services.

Fuck it. I have medical assistance through the state that allows me to see a psychologist. I'd much rather see a PHD than someone that has a Masters degree (and who's wife I used to fuck).

I think this gut needs to check himself and assess whether he is helping or harming.

What a jerkoff.

Ah yes, I'm sure my roomies/non-friends are wondering what exactly I'm doing.

So I quit work on Sept 30th. After some hassle they are finally giving me my Record of Employment this week so I'll finally figure out to get some cash month to month to pay the bills. Seems all we ever do in this life is pay the bills...

Anyways, my parents think I still have a job. Which is a lie. So like from Sept. 30th until now they think I still work at the same place. I've dropped hints. "I'm going to Addiction Services." "Pick me up at my house." For the requisite family dinner.

And I don't feel bad at all. I mean to me its:

A. None of their business. (Well, technically it is since they have a co-signed loan with me)
B. They are the opposite of help. They're more of a problem to deal with than anything else. I'm sure I'm not alone on this one.
C. Its a white lie. No use parents acting irate and panicky for some situation that isn't their own. And one that's almost figured out.
D. I quit to help myself out. Why would I tell them if it didn't help me out?

I guess I thought that I should have felt bad so I smoked a cigarillo last night and have a sore throat today.

Ah, well. C'est la vie.

22.10.2009. 13:39 final chart.
Aphex twin:
1)come to daddy
2)Xtal
3)AFX Acid 04
4)Piano tuners
5)flim
6)Donkey Rhubarb
7)Heliosphan
8)Digeridoo
9)Ageispolis
10)Supremacy II
11)We have arrived.
12)Fenix funk.
13)73 Yips.
14)Klopjob (Analord 3)
15)Quoth
Well that's close enough. It was somewhere 1997, i did forget it until now. We were burning CDs and placed "come to daddy" as 11th in the CD of Massive Attack as extra, and me and a certain buddy laughed our asses off because someone. Already then it was possible to burn CDs and it was the era of Pentium II. Close enough..."Classics" is a good one too, i have it on mp3s too. Maybe "windowlicker". "DruQs" totally sucked. And the "selected ambient works" are just those 35RPM thingies, or is it just "Classics"? About Donkey Rhubarb: How a such beauty with kids is possible, and teddy costumes!?! Truely masterpieces all of em. haha. Too cunfusing?!? never. And what about the AFX series? Is it even better? He may be the harshest artist around. I think he really likes children in very good way. Not that those albums are sold a lot anyway. The sounds are totally unique industrial and ambient.

Things have been so crazy in my life since I recently broke up with my boyfriend Lee. I miss him so much. I now feel like I'm a boat who's anchor has broken loose, and now I'm just aimlessly floating around on the ocean, getting tossed about by the waves. I have absolutely no sense of stability and it's driving me insane.

I've practically returned to prostitution, which I swore I'd never do. I'm not advertising on the net or hooking up with random strangers each night like I used to, but I am getting free drugs from a couple of dealers in exchange for sex. I spent last night with one of them, drinking shots, smoking heaps of meth, and of course, getting my brains fucked out.

I returned home this morning - hungover, coming down, and generally thinking "what the hell was I doing?". I don't plan any of this shit. The rational part of my brain seems to be switched off, and I just go with whatever my emotions or impulses tell me to do. I'm sure it's a symptom of my BPD, but I don't want to use that an excuse. So while recovering quietly at home today, I've been reflecting on my life and wondering what the hell I want to do with it!

Well, I still don't know what I want to do with my life, but I know I don't want to be doing this. It's time to start tuning into that rational part of my brain. I've attempted to get clean thousands of times before, but this time it feels different. More serious, I guess. I don't care if my life turns out to be pretty unsuccessful... I just don't wanna spend it as skanky drug addict who'll do anything for a fix.

You said you loved me
that you think you are falling in love with me
and ever since Sept. 29th its been different.
what, you can fall out of love that fast? you said you do me. I you. Then what's the big deal? I don't care that you don't have a nice place, or some fancy dancy truck, or that you work ungodly hours, hell i don't even care about the sex. You called me your girfriend a few times around, forgive me if i thought we were. I love spending time with you, you are awesome, you even after tonight are my bestfriend and I still love you, because, despite what anyone might think YOU are perfect to ME, and I don't want you to fall away and we never hang out again. Cause as the song goes: "Life would suck without you".
Not sure if all was a lie or your just too scared to face such emotions or whatever is going on.....
I will always be here for you anytime, any way i can, as long as i can be - wich is my last breath.
I love you, you love me, we talk, we hang out, we have some things in common, and we're both messed up...... what is so wrong about us having a relationship?
I have never asked for anything but a hug, and given everything i could....and willing to give more than i had.
what the hell is so evil about a relationship? you had one with that girl before me......what....am i too ugly? too stupid? i'm not hardcore drugs? because I have kids?
You have your issues and drama and I have mine but why should mine cause US to end?
I'd do anything short of murder for you...
It hurts to breathe without you....
I can't stop crying...
my world away from insanity, my world.
now i guess i truly do have nothing....

thanks for breaking my heart and making me cry all night.

I knew you didn't give a shit about anything or anyone but I thought I was something to you....more than a friend....

I'll always be here for you, always love you, always be IN LOVE with you....

I'm always a call away, never forget that.




.....I can't stop shaking.......and crying......oh well....

It's been sometime since I have blogged so I am taking time out to do that today. It somehow is theraptic for me like journaling was while in rehab. I guess because I really don't have anyone to talk to here. Or anywhere for that matter. Or maybe I do???? It's hard to lay my shit on someone or ask for help. I've always been the "helper." Anyway....I find myself missing my rehab "friends." You kind of get close in a short period of time. I felt sort of at home and comfortable there. Wasn't getting much help from the staff though. I felt staying would have been a waste of time. Just feel like I don't fit in anywhere. Blah, blah, blah....poor me.

On a postive note, I have this most amazing guy in my life but feel I may fuck it up, like every other good thing. So I am trying to take it slow and not rush into anything, because it sort of is a rehab romance. I am trying to be sure that my feelings are real feelings and that I am being myself (not one of those masks that we tend to but on). And I also want to be sure that I am getting to know the real him. And we have been "good" with those things I think. We are not saying I love you or planning a marriage and children already, like so many rehab romances. I would like to think we are different, but probably everyelse does too. All I know is that I REALLY like to get to know him better. I would like to be a part of his life. Wherever I may fit, even if it's just as friends, because he is as I said an amazing man.

I have trouble telling him how I feel and when I do I think he has trouble receiving/believing it.

I need him to know that he is strong and beautiful. A good friend and fantastic lover. He takes care of others before himself.

We also share in the "darkness", but I want it to be the "good darkness". not the darkness that I believe he goes to sometimes, which takes away from all the good things he is.

My wish is to have this "rehab romance" turn into something beautiful!

Its been pointed out to me many times recently that I may have some anger issues. May have? Shit, I truly do have a lot of anger inside of me. I have been chalking this up to being clean from drugs and alcohol but I am unsure if this is the reason. I will have 60 days clean on October 20th (this coming Tuesday) and I haven't noticed any change yet.

I think that one of the primary catalysts is that people try to take advantage. I try to give what I can when I can but I have been receiving the most presumptuous requests lately concerning people asking for money, cigarettes and rides. I really have no problem with giving rides to folks but on a couple of occasions some have been treating me like their bitch taxi service. (I have since cut those people from my life).

People in NA are aware that I am not working but a few people have asked (almost demanded) money from me as if I owed it to them or something. These people, well these TWO people have 6 months and 15 months clean respectively. They should know better.

I hold this anger in but I can sense that I am going to explode in an unreasonable, unfair violent rage the more often these incidents occur.

I was telling friends tonight that my next response to monetary requests will be as follows:

'Dude, I have money in my left pocket. I'm not telling you how much but if you can take it from me using fists, knife or gun, its yours.'

WTF?!?!?!? This seems exciting to me. It also seems like a fantasy way of fulfilling my need to get hurt. I can't hurt myself anymore (I can't act out in such unhealthy ways) but if someone else hurts me, than its a win-win situation.

Its stupid nonsense, I know but again... WTF!?!?

I walk around with a chip on my shoulder hoping that someone will fuck with me so that I can release all this rage. Its unfair to whoever this may unfold upon since, essentially I want to get hurt as much as I want to hurt someone else.

I read somewhere on BL a suggestion concerning this and I may pursue it. They suggested purchasing a metal trash can and a baseball bat and going out to a field and beating the shit outta the can. This would be fun (as well as therapeutic) but there will be no excitement or pleasure gained from the lack of flesh against flesh animalistic violence.

I know this sounds psychotic. In my heart I don't want to hurt ANYONE AT ALL but myself. Why is this? I don't know. Perhaps I still hate myself and feel I still need to punish myself?

I DO know that this type of thinking will take me back to the misery and pain of the needle. I can't have that!

If I ever get pushed along on the waiting list for my IOP I'm going to tell them that I'm covered from an addiction standpoint through NA but I truly need help with whatever underlying issues I have with myself that are causing these thoughts and feelings.

Recovery is a slow and gradual process. I know this but... again... WTF?!?!!??!

To say this has been a long week is a major fucking understatement. First i end up going into morphine and dilaudid withdrawals then i end up in a slummy house of a aquintence of mine scoring drugs. Originally went to get coke but turned it down and got weed and shrooms instead. Havent taken any of the shrooms yet but i'll keep them and it saves me from freezing my balls out picking them myself.

After getting good and stoned a few "friends" of mine show up from the old days. One guy i havent seen in atleast 5 years and if anything looks even worse then before. Fresh outta jail and ripping off stores to pay down debts on his heavy crack habit. Since he also bangs oxy when he can afford to he doesent spend much money on food and it shows. Ive seen corpses look better.

The weed get's me thinking about alot of shit in the meantime and how i thought everyone had changed and gone to shit on rock. Then i realize that nothing has changed at all and that ive changed instead. The only thing that has changed is the choice of drugs the same scams are still going except theve gotten more pathetic. Alot more or perhaps it just seems pathetic to me. I can't stand this town and all the people around here it's such a fucking bringdown. Nothing here but bad memories.

I get the fuck out of the place as soon as i can and head home. I don't have anywhere else to go that for sure. After smoking a joint and taking some codeine i check my bank account and prices of plane tickets online. Just a few more months and hopefully im gone. With any luck i can keep my head this time when i take off. Take off and not look back for what is there to look back for.

14 days clean today....its been a shit of a day....but i am fully through my 'P-tox'
BOUT FUCKING TIME
(now I'm ready to hit the needle....only half-kidding)

Obviously I haven't been around lately, I'm sure most could assume why. There is only one real reason I ever stop doing things I consider "normal" activities. A few nights ago, on wed evening I want to say. I had just had one of the fucking worst nights I've had in a long time. I got myself locked out of my car, lost my debit card, got ripped off on my first check, and my car got hit...just more shit then I could handle at the moment. A friend of mine Chuck sent me a message and said he would text me later once he got home and if I wanted to I could swing by which honestly by this point I could use the company.

On my way to his place he sent me another text asking if I would get him two dozen doughnuts from the local store and he'd get me back for it later. I didn't mind of course, he was on of the few friends I trusted and never ripped me off. When I got there I could tell he was very grateful for me bringing him food. So grateful in fact he offered me not only heroin, but some coke.

After the long day I had of course I said just a little, even though I knew I was flat out lying to myself and this was going to be the start of a binge which would leave me broke till my next check. I've just accepted that I'm an addict and when I use anything other then marijuana I seem to know / have no limit. We started out shooting a little bit of cocaine, then we did two speed ball's. I couldn't even tell you how much black and white we went through by the end of that night but I was fucked up. I couldn't even hold my thoughts consistent throughout a conversation. We would start talking about one thing, then switch over to something completely different but we both were messed up and didn't realize it till after the fact. This went on for the next two days and I did have to work those days. I didn't sleep at all during that time and my comedown off the cocaine was horrible. What was even worse was since I'd been using heroin and wasn't on my subs for that time, I got dope sick once I was out of dope. I forgot how much heroin withdrawal sucked.

Then to top it all off, working while coming down off these drugs made me sick to the point where I was puking and shaking at my desk. Finally after having two days off I made a recovery, and am now stable again. I love and want my drugs, but I need my job and as much as I want to just say those wonderful two words all addicts love "fuck it", I understand my job has to come before my addictions. I shouldn't have done all that knowing the comedown was going to be hard and I had to work, but I chose to and dealt with the consequences (feeling like complete shit at work).

Everything is back on track though, I'm doing great at work, going to the gym, and working with clients. Guess I just got side-tracked for a brief moment there.