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So far I haven't had very good experiences with the mental health industry here in the states.

Yesterday I went to my first 1 on 1 session with my IOP. They had me on the waiting list for about a month and a half and I was excited when they gave me a call.

I live in a small city/town right outside Philly. Its not really 'small' but if you are in recovery, it becomes smaller. Anyway, guess who was assigned to be my therapist? A dude that is supposedly in recovery and who I had slept with his wife back in 1994. Don't get it twisted, she wasn't married when we were doing the boyfriend/girlfriend thing but I was the last guy she was with before they started doing their thing.

Because of this, I see a conflict of interest and I definitely detected an attitude about him.

Anyway, I filled out even more paperwork and he said that he was going to schedule me for group therapy in the evenings from 6 pm to 8 pm. I told him that that wouldn't work for me because I go to NA meetings every night during those time frames. he looked at me like I had two heads. He tried to tell me that it was okay because the one meeting I go to ends at 8:30. Ummmmm, are you fucking stupid with that Masters degree? Catching the last half hour of a 90 minute meeting isn't what I'm about. I enjoy and NEED the WHOLE FUCKING MEETING, jerkoff. (NOTE: i didn't speak to him in this manner but I should have).

He then said 'Well, when you get a job, it will probably be during the day, so therefore you won't be able to make your group sessions'.

This dude has 16 years clean. He should be WELL aware that it is a 'just for today' program. I can't see into the future and, when I do get a daytime or nighttime, I will adjust my schedule accordingly. For now, I don't have to adjust anything. I'm comfortable with the regular meetings I go to and have established associations with people and am in the process of building a foundation of people who are getting to know me.

After the session ended, I called them up and informed them that I am declining their services.

Fuck it. I have medical assistance through the state that allows me to see a psychologist. I'd much rather see a PHD than someone that has a Masters degree (and who's wife I used to fuck).

I think this gut needs to check himself and assess whether he is helping or harming.

What a jerkoff.

Ah yes, I'm sure my roomies/non-friends are wondering what exactly I'm doing.

So I quit work on Sept 30th. After some hassle they are finally giving me my Record of Employment this week so I'll finally figure out to get some cash month to month to pay the bills. Seems all we ever do in this life is pay the bills...

Anyways, my parents think I still have a job. Which is a lie. So like from Sept. 30th until now they think I still work at the same place. I've dropped hints. "I'm going to Addiction Services." "Pick me up at my house." For the requisite family dinner.

And I don't feel bad at all. I mean to me its:

A. None of their business. (Well, technically it is since they have a co-signed loan with me)
B. They are the opposite of help. They're more of a problem to deal with than anything else. I'm sure I'm not alone on this one.
C. Its a white lie. No use parents acting irate and panicky for some situation that isn't their own. And one that's almost figured out.
D. I quit to help myself out. Why would I tell them if it didn't help me out?

I guess I thought that I should have felt bad so I smoked a cigarillo last night and have a sore throat today.

Ah, well. C'est la vie.

22.10.2009. 13:39 final chart.
Aphex twin:
1)come to daddy
2)Xtal
3)AFX Acid 04
4)Piano tuners
5)flim
6)Donkey Rhubarb
7)Heliosphan
8)Digeridoo
9)Ageispolis
10)Supremacy II
11)We have arrived.
12)Fenix funk.
13)73 Yips.
14)Klopjob (Analord 3)
15)Quoth
Well that's close enough. It was somewhere 1997, i did forget it until now. We were burning CDs and placed "come to daddy" as 11th in the CD of Massive Attack as extra, and me and a certain buddy laughed our asses off because someone. Already then it was possible to burn CDs and it was the era of Pentium II. Close enough..."Classics" is a good one too, i have it on mp3s too. Maybe "windowlicker". "DruQs" totally sucked. And the "selected ambient works" are just those 35RPM thingies, or is it just "Classics"? About Donkey Rhubarb: How a such beauty with kids is possible, and teddy costumes!?! Truely masterpieces all of em. haha. Too cunfusing?!? never. And what about the AFX series? Is it even better? He may be the harshest artist around. I think he really likes children in very good way. Not that those albums are sold a lot anyway. The sounds are totally unique industrial and ambient.

Things have been so crazy in my life since I recently broke up with my boyfriend Lee. I miss him so much. I now feel like I'm a boat who's anchor has broken loose, and now I'm just aimlessly floating around on the ocean, getting tossed about by the waves. I have absolutely no sense of stability and it's driving me insane.

I've practically returned to prostitution, which I swore I'd never do. I'm not advertising on the net or hooking up with random strangers each night like I used to, but I am getting free drugs from a couple of dealers in exchange for sex. I spent last night with one of them, drinking shots, smoking heaps of meth, and of course, getting my brains fucked out.

I returned home this morning - hungover, coming down, and generally thinking "what the hell was I doing?". I don't plan any of this shit. The rational part of my brain seems to be switched off, and I just go with whatever my emotions or impulses tell me to do. I'm sure it's a symptom of my BPD, but I don't want to use that an excuse. So while recovering quietly at home today, I've been reflecting on my life and wondering what the hell I want to do with it!

Well, I still don't know what I want to do with my life, but I know I don't want to be doing this. It's time to start tuning into that rational part of my brain. I've attempted to get clean thousands of times before, but this time it feels different. More serious, I guess. I don't care if my life turns out to be pretty unsuccessful... I just don't wanna spend it as skanky drug addict who'll do anything for a fix.

You said you loved me
that you think you are falling in love with me
and ever since Sept. 29th its been different.
what, you can fall out of love that fast? you said you do me. I you. Then what's the big deal? I don't care that you don't have a nice place, or some fancy dancy truck, or that you work ungodly hours, hell i don't even care about the sex. You called me your girfriend a few times around, forgive me if i thought we were. I love spending time with you, you are awesome, you even after tonight are my bestfriend and I still love you, because, despite what anyone might think YOU are perfect to ME, and I don't want you to fall away and we never hang out again. Cause as the song goes: "Life would suck without you".
Not sure if all was a lie or your just too scared to face such emotions or whatever is going on.....
I will always be here for you anytime, any way i can, as long as i can be - wich is my last breath.
I love you, you love me, we talk, we hang out, we have some things in common, and we're both messed up...... what is so wrong about us having a relationship?
I have never asked for anything but a hug, and given everything i could....and willing to give more than i had.
what the hell is so evil about a relationship? you had one with that girl before me......what....am i too ugly? too stupid? i'm not hardcore drugs? because I have kids?
You have your issues and drama and I have mine but why should mine cause US to end?
I'd do anything short of murder for you...
It hurts to breathe without you....
I can't stop crying...
my world away from insanity, my world.
now i guess i truly do have nothing....

thanks for breaking my heart and making me cry all night.

I knew you didn't give a shit about anything or anyone but I thought I was something to you....more than a friend....

I'll always be here for you, always love you, always be IN LOVE with you....

I'm always a call away, never forget that.




.....I can't stop shaking.......and crying......oh well....

It's been sometime since I have blogged so I am taking time out to do that today. It somehow is theraptic for me like journaling was while in rehab. I guess because I really don't have anyone to talk to here. Or anywhere for that matter. Or maybe I do???? It's hard to lay my shit on someone or ask for help. I've always been the "helper." Anyway....I find myself missing my rehab "friends." You kind of get close in a short period of time. I felt sort of at home and comfortable there. Wasn't getting much help from the staff though. I felt staying would have been a waste of time. Just feel like I don't fit in anywhere. Blah, blah, blah....poor me.

On a postive note, I have this most amazing guy in my life but feel I may fuck it up, like every other good thing. So I am trying to take it slow and not rush into anything, because it sort of is a rehab romance. I am trying to be sure that my feelings are real feelings and that I am being myself (not one of those masks that we tend to but on). And I also want to be sure that I am getting to know the real him. And we have been "good" with those things I think. We are not saying I love you or planning a marriage and children already, like so many rehab romances. I would like to think we are different, but probably everyelse does too. All I know is that I REALLY like to get to know him better. I would like to be a part of his life. Wherever I may fit, even if it's just as friends, because he is as I said an amazing man.

I have trouble telling him how I feel and when I do I think he has trouble receiving/believing it.

I need him to know that he is strong and beautiful. A good friend and fantastic lover. He takes care of others before himself.

We also share in the "darkness", but I want it to be the "good darkness". not the darkness that I believe he goes to sometimes, which takes away from all the good things he is.

My wish is to have this "rehab romance" turn into something beautiful!

Its been pointed out to me many times recently that I may have some anger issues. May have? Shit, I truly do have a lot of anger inside of me. I have been chalking this up to being clean from drugs and alcohol but I am unsure if this is the reason. I will have 60 days clean on October 20th (this coming Tuesday) and I haven't noticed any change yet.

I think that one of the primary catalysts is that people try to take advantage. I try to give what I can when I can but I have been receiving the most presumptuous requests lately concerning people asking for money, cigarettes and rides. I really have no problem with giving rides to folks but on a couple of occasions some have been treating me like their bitch taxi service. (I have since cut those people from my life).

People in NA are aware that I am not working but a few people have asked (almost demanded) money from me as if I owed it to them or something. These people, well these TWO people have 6 months and 15 months clean respectively. They should know better.

I hold this anger in but I can sense that I am going to explode in an unreasonable, unfair violent rage the more often these incidents occur.

I was telling friends tonight that my next response to monetary requests will be as follows:

'Dude, I have money in my left pocket. I'm not telling you how much but if you can take it from me using fists, knife or gun, its yours.'

WTF?!?!?!? This seems exciting to me. It also seems like a fantasy way of fulfilling my need to get hurt. I can't hurt myself anymore (I can't act out in such unhealthy ways) but if someone else hurts me, than its a win-win situation.

Its stupid nonsense, I know but again... WTF!?!?

I walk around with a chip on my shoulder hoping that someone will fuck with me so that I can release all this rage. Its unfair to whoever this may unfold upon since, essentially I want to get hurt as much as I want to hurt someone else.

I read somewhere on BL a suggestion concerning this and I may pursue it. They suggested purchasing a metal trash can and a baseball bat and going out to a field and beating the shit outta the can. This would be fun (as well as therapeutic) but there will be no excitement or pleasure gained from the lack of flesh against flesh animalistic violence.

I know this sounds psychotic. In my heart I don't want to hurt ANYONE AT ALL but myself. Why is this? I don't know. Perhaps I still hate myself and feel I still need to punish myself?

I DO know that this type of thinking will take me back to the misery and pain of the needle. I can't have that!

If I ever get pushed along on the waiting list for my IOP I'm going to tell them that I'm covered from an addiction standpoint through NA but I truly need help with whatever underlying issues I have with myself that are causing these thoughts and feelings.

Recovery is a slow and gradual process. I know this but... again... WTF?!?!!??!

To say this has been a long week is a major fucking understatement. First i end up going into morphine and dilaudid withdrawals then i end up in a slummy house of a aquintence of mine scoring drugs. Originally went to get coke but turned it down and got weed and shrooms instead. Havent taken any of the shrooms yet but i'll keep them and it saves me from freezing my balls out picking them myself.

After getting good and stoned a few "friends" of mine show up from the old days. One guy i havent seen in atleast 5 years and if anything looks even worse then before. Fresh outta jail and ripping off stores to pay down debts on his heavy crack habit. Since he also bangs oxy when he can afford to he doesent spend much money on food and it shows. Ive seen corpses look better.

The weed get's me thinking about alot of shit in the meantime and how i thought everyone had changed and gone to shit on rock. Then i realize that nothing has changed at all and that ive changed instead. The only thing that has changed is the choice of drugs the same scams are still going except theve gotten more pathetic. Alot more or perhaps it just seems pathetic to me. I can't stand this town and all the people around here it's such a fucking bringdown. Nothing here but bad memories.

I get the fuck out of the place as soon as i can and head home. I don't have anywhere else to go that for sure. After smoking a joint and taking some codeine i check my bank account and prices of plane tickets online. Just a few more months and hopefully im gone. With any luck i can keep my head this time when i take off. Take off and not look back for what is there to look back for.

14 days clean today....its been a shit of a day....but i am fully through my 'P-tox'
BOUT FUCKING TIME
(now I'm ready to hit the needle....only half-kidding)

Obviously I haven't been around lately, I'm sure most could assume why. There is only one real reason I ever stop doing things I consider "normal" activities. A few nights ago, on wed evening I want to say. I had just had one of the fucking worst nights I've had in a long time. I got myself locked out of my car, lost my debit card, got ripped off on my first check, and my car got hit...just more shit then I could handle at the moment. A friend of mine Chuck sent me a message and said he would text me later once he got home and if I wanted to I could swing by which honestly by this point I could use the company.

On my way to his place he sent me another text asking if I would get him two dozen doughnuts from the local store and he'd get me back for it later. I didn't mind of course, he was on of the few friends I trusted and never ripped me off. When I got there I could tell he was very grateful for me bringing him food. So grateful in fact he offered me not only heroin, but some coke.

After the long day I had of course I said just a little, even though I knew I was flat out lying to myself and this was going to be the start of a binge which would leave me broke till my next check. I've just accepted that I'm an addict and when I use anything other then marijuana I seem to know / have no limit. We started out shooting a little bit of cocaine, then we did two speed ball's. I couldn't even tell you how much black and white we went through by the end of that night but I was fucked up. I couldn't even hold my thoughts consistent throughout a conversation. We would start talking about one thing, then switch over to something completely different but we both were messed up and didn't realize it till after the fact. This went on for the next two days and I did have to work those days. I didn't sleep at all during that time and my comedown off the cocaine was horrible. What was even worse was since I'd been using heroin and wasn't on my subs for that time, I got dope sick once I was out of dope. I forgot how much heroin withdrawal sucked.

Then to top it all off, working while coming down off these drugs made me sick to the point where I was puking and shaking at my desk. Finally after having two days off I made a recovery, and am now stable again. I love and want my drugs, but I need my job and as much as I want to just say those wonderful two words all addicts love "fuck it", I understand my job has to come before my addictions. I shouldn't have done all that knowing the comedown was going to be hard and I had to work, but I chose to and dealt with the consequences (feeling like complete shit at work).

Everything is back on track though, I'm doing great at work, going to the gym, and working with clients. Guess I just got side-tracked for a brief moment there.

What is stronger Methocarbamol or soma's? I have Methocarbamol and I want to know if they are the same as soma's?

I went along to my first NA meeting last night. Only about 6 people turned up, so it was quite a small relaxed group of people. There was even free coffee and cake, and I got a little keychain for being clean "just for today" hehe. I had a chance to briefly share my story with the group... I really do suck at public speaking. Everyone else sounded so insightful and profound, and there I was stuttering and not really knowing what to say! But I think I managed ok. Apparently there's another meeting on Tuesday which attracts more people, so I'll probably go along to that one too.

At this stage I'm still not sure if the NA approach is right for me, but I won't rush into any decisions. I'll keep attending the meetings for now. To be honest, their "total abstinence from drugs" policy doesn't sit well with me. I want to give up meth, but realistically I will probably be taking benzos long-term, and I don't really see a problem with having an occasional puff of weed! I had a chat with the group coordinator after the meeting, and he mentioned a few other drug services that are available in the city. Day programs, detox facilities, and that sort of stuff. Might be worth looking into.

18.10.2009 19:35 .

This sure is my first blog try after reading many on the net considering a lot of crap but also Homer Simpson. Youtube is fantastic.
Next time we are going to counsel music as a type of art, but this time something very special. There was, and, still is a lot of demos
recorded in there, youtube. Not demotapes, but those programmed pieces of computer art. There once was a art exhibition in our loved country,
Finland.

All kinds of platforms, C64, Amiga 500,1200,AGA and such as PC. Cultural revolution could be the name of the last 2 years of the PC
acceleration cards, even without the physics engines. But somehow the C64 still gets the best points, Algotechs brilliant "Sabrina:Boys"
mpg code wins the lottery with perfect idea, and the music. MFX should be cancelled even if it happens to be a cult. There still isn't
acceleration with the Byterapers who sure have the best ideas and has the longest winning spring ever. Doomsday shares the same also. Orange
has melted as a part of the CNCD family, which needs to be permanent. They don't seem as artificial artist anyhow anyway but will never
be a part of the Microsoft company haha. It is the secret of the carpet maker, who knows the idea, knows what happened to the loved
Commodore 64 and keeps it alive.

http://www.mediafire.com/?sharekey=b0f99d25cc6a1e4075a4fc82078ae6c8e04e75f6e8ebb871

Chimaero - Modern Evening Mix:

1. Glenn Wilson - Just Wanna Dance With You (Orig. Mix)
2. Josh Gabriel - Entanglement (Orig. Mix)
3. Luigi Rocca, Marshall, Libex - Black Moon (Orig. Mix)
4. Fer BR - Belle Funk
5. Milton Channels, Andrea Saenz, Sabastian Reza and Pablo Basel - Trip (Orig. Mix)
6. David August - Children (Orig. Mix)
7. Jay Lumen - Morning Cocktail (Orig. Mix)

I dunno about "Chimaero" as a name, just something random thru wiki. Some Greek town or something with -aero on the end, maybe something like Chimera?

Your love is my inspiration.
Never had someone who cared for me so much.
Love you so much that it hurts what I do to you.
You have the purest heart and purest soul.
You make me want to be human again.
A human with feelings, feelings for you.
Thank you for being in my life.

A beautiful ship, set your sails
Ignore the rocks and broken nails
In your passage, a lot of places
Transparent names, with blurry faces

Crash into shore, stay for awhile
Something here temps your smile
We can sail on a new ship
A vessel with rails, harder to grip

Stormy sea, calling your name
Intimate swells leave you the same
The rush of the ride, I understand
I want it to, yet hand in hand

Misplaced anchor left untouched
I will help you scrape the rust
Bare your skin under the moon
Come sunrise, we'll be there soon

Yesterday i got about 3 grams standard cubensis. i didnt trip that hard but the confusion and deep thought processes were there. gave me a good perspective on where i stand now. its like some massive cerebral knot was at least loosened. now im happy again with a plan to start fixing my life. Why cant everyone just sit down trip and think about whats really important? i think i need to do it a few more times before im fully ok.

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
Of bullshit lies you push on me
I once was lost, but now am found
Because my mind is free

T'was grace that taught my heart to fear
By trying to make me believe
How precious did that grace appear
By seeing how you deceive

Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have fallen and fought
My actions brought me safe thus far
Because I am all I've got

The Lord has promised good to me
But I read through his lies
He will my shield and portion be,
When Mary spreads her thighs

Yea when this flesh and heart shall fail
A physical life shall cease
Burn your book and silly veil
For my conscious will be released

When you die and god is not there
You will become the sun
You'll have no less days to sing god's lies
Then when you first begun

still i recoil like mace
in all the little moments that i pushed you away that i cant erase
every moment overflows with power

Staring up, bearing down
Shedding skin, but not yet frown
Tying the noose around my life
I kick the chair, while clinching the knife

Will this year be the one
Where I won't regret what I've done
Daily battle at Twenty Three,
Searching for my synchronicity

Playing with fire, tasting the flame
I cut the rope, but am never the same
Level myself with the scum of the earth
To show myself some kind of worth

Will this year be the one
Where I won't regret what I've done
Searching for a reason to be
I found a coward deep inside me

The newest theme is ............COLOR!

Tell us how color effects you-
What you love about color-
What your favorite color is-
How color is used in your life-
Whatever you want......


Enjoy...... Color!!!

I love telling this story about my boy...

Years ago, when I was successful, I had a house cleaner come in every other week to do her thing. She would bring her baby to my place and let him hang in his stroller while she cleaned.

My dog, Shaman, is fascinated by kids and smaller dogs and he would sit right next to the stroller while this girl worked on my place.

One day, she was upstairs vacuuming (her kid and Shaman were downstairs) and had her headphones on. She told me that she looked up to see my dog looking at her with a puzzled look on his face and he was whimpering. She took her headphones off and could hear her baby crying downstairs.

My boy recognized the baby's crying and apparently went upstairs to tell its mommy that something was amiss.

Nothing significant was wrong with the child but my boy made it a point to let the girl know that she should probably check it out.

When she told me this story I was filled with even more pride in Shaman's inherent goodness.

Pets aren't just pets. They are worthy companions that contribute to our daily lives in genuine ways.