Blogs

I am happy to have a chance to return to BL after such a long absence, but am sad to return to find that my dear ol' journal and photos are all gone.

I have reflected back upon my journal here at BL for years, and coming back to find that there are no longer journals but blogs kind of makes me sad. Yes, blogs are typically the same thing, but my journal here was full of so many good/bad memories that I am sad to see it gone.

Ah well, things change, the world revolves, and life goes on.

I will just fill this blog with memories for me to reflect on in the future, right?

Well, let's see. I'm no longer a doper, and although at times I do miss my junky lifestyle I am very happy for the new kind of life my recovery has afforded me. I didn't return to BL for quite some time because I felt it worked as a trigger for me, but am realizing now that nothing can trigger my addiction but myself.

Normally I blog over at The Atomic Mom, but in taking a sort of hiatus there I have decided to blog here for a bit. That blog is merely a "mommy blog" and not a whole lot of anything else goes on there.

I am pregnant with my second son. I couldn't get lucky enough to have a daughter, so I am going on this journey again. I hope that life provides me with two strong and healthy boys to look after me when I am old and feeble. My second son is due in March of 2010 and I am desperately seeking a name for him, so any help will be greatly appreciated.

That is as much of an update that I can provide you with for now, and probably more of one than you really wanted. Rest assured that you will here more from me. Much much more.

Ninevah

I am happy to have a chance to return to BL after such a long absence, but am sad to return to find that my dear ol' journal and photos are all gone.

I have reflected back upon my journal here at BL for years, and coming back to find that there are no longer journals but blogs kind of makes me sad. Yes, blogs are typically the same thing, but my journal here was full of so many good/bad memories that I am sad to see it gone.

Ah well, things change, the world revolves, and life goes on.

I will just fill this blog with memories for me to reflect on in the future, right?

Well, let's see. I'm no longer a doper, and although at times I do miss my junky lifestyle I am very happy for the new kind of life my recovery has afforded me. I didn't return to BL for quite some time because I felt it worked as a trigger for me, but am realizing now that nothing can trigger my addiction but myself.

Normally I blog over at The Atomic Mom, but in taking a sort of hiatus there I have decided to blog here for a bit. That blog is merely a "mommy blog" and not a whole lot of anything else goes on there.

I am pregnant with my second son. I couldn't get lucky enough to have a daughter, so I am going on this journey again. I hope that life provides me with two strong and healthy boys to look after me when I am old and feeble. My second son is due in March of 2010 and I am desperately seeking a name for him, so any help will be greatly appreciated.

That is as much of an update that I can provide you with for now, and probably more of one than you really wanted. Rest assured that you will here more from me. Much much more.

Ninevah

Here I sit with a ton of work to do, yet I cannot seem to buckle down and do it. I always feel bad when I can't get students' assignments corrected really quickly, as I remember what that was like when I was a student 92875984279 years ago. Still, sometimes there's just no intrinsic motivation to get it done. Therefore, here I am, posting here. Pointlessly (or perhaps not?) productive.

Today had its ups and downs. First of all, I have one class that is half filled with very motivated students who want to learn, while the other half remains the utter opposite. If I were the type of person who could disconnect herself from the slackers, I would be happier; I think this is why I shouldn't follow this career path - teaching ESL, if you're wondering exactly what I teach - forever. Regardless, I had them do an assignment and the results were fantastic from the go-getters and a complete disappointment from the others, namely due to the fact that they didn't even prepare their presentations. I put so much energy and effort into making my class the best it can be, and all they do is complain and not do anything I ask of them...it is really disheartening. This hasn't been the norm for me since I started teaching in Canada, however, so I need to learn to let it go. I'm working on just noticing emotions and then letting them go.

Still, one of my motivated students, a lawyer from Colombia, approached me after class and told me that their attitudes are absolutely terrible and was really kind to me. That is what I need to focus on -- that and the fact that most of the students I have are generally great!

However, the highlight of my day came when I decided to invite some of my adorable little Chinese students from my morning class to a costume shop to find Halloween costumes. The girls all tried on sexy costumes, which I advised them against (it's for a school function) until I actually saw them - the costumes were far too long and big to even be considered sexy. This amused me. They were adorable. They bought the costumes, too. I'll try to get photos.

I'm going as the grammar police. I think I'm going to put punctuation marks and grammar "tickets" on my belt. What's that, you say? I'm a nerd? Yep, sure am; a nerd of a dying breed, an appreciater of something that is now looked upon in the same light as art or poetry - a fantastic, useful vehicle for human expression that is of absolutely no interest to the majority. Sigh.

Comedic teacher moment of the day:

*Korean student presenting the recipe for a traditional Korean dish*

Saudi student: "Do you usually eat that with rice?"
Korean student: "Of course! Korean people always eat lice with everything. We think it's really delicious!"

I had an awful day today due to a minor event.

I overslept.

"HOLY SHIT!!!!" I hear you cry.

I was supposed to be at work at 9 and woke up at 1.

It's hardly surprising -- I hadn't slept for a few days (I'm wracking my brain to remember exactly when, but can't...). This isn't the first time this has happened, either

I went absolutely apeshit - I was so angry with myself.

I leapt out of bed screaming "fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck", crashed through to the living room punching the walls on my way, threw some stuff around (most notably a chair).
Not sure when I started crying, but definitely was sobbing inconsolably for most of the throwing. Bashed myself over the head with some objects, got a knife and cut myself (purely self harm, not suicidal).

All I could think was "stupid useless worthhless freak bitch".

Out comes the meph. I chucked a few grams on the table, separated an amount, grabbed a straw and got stuck in. Didn't even bother crushing the crystals out or making a line.

I guess it was a combination of hurting myself and wanting to feel better. It mostly did the trick.... I wasn't miserable for the rest of the day, but anxiety level is through the roof. It's like I'm fiending really badly all the time... even when I've just had some.

Things are ok with work. I sent my boss an email (I'm scared of phones).... I thought of some excuses, but in the end decided to be honest. Too honest - I didn't mention drugs, but I did say that I was "barely coping with life".
He was really nice about it. Much nicer than I deserve. He's on holiday for the rest of the week, but he said he'll talk to me about it next week.
So I have a few days to think about what I'm going to say.. and I guess I have to be sober on Monday -- on meph I'd suddenly decide THE TRUTH is a good idea.

My boss let me work from home that afternoon.... that, and the rest of the day, has just been continually rising stress levels, and bigger and bigger redoses for the very temporary relief.

I managed to get a hold of myself in the end, and reminded myself that meph is (now, not when I first started) hugely influenced by frame of mind. So I concentrating on stabilising that, relaxing, taking deep breaths etc etc, and to a large extent it has worked

Crap day though.

Snorted a few bumps of Ativan powder. Not a bad buzz really. Especially while trying to write a resume.

Its not so bad, really.

Not so bad at all.

Or "how it all got out of hand".

This is an honest account of my meph usage since I "discovered" it in March this year. Now I've written it, I wonder why the hell I'm giving this info. It's only going to invite flaming.

Before you flame me:

I don't think this is cool. Or good. Or even fun. I am terrified by my consumption, and I really, really want to stop.
"Just stop then"
is not helpful.


23rd March Ordered my first 2g of meph after lots of reading on BL and agonising over methylone vs mephedrone.
Sessions often lead to staying up all night, but never more than 1 night. Usually involve about 300mg total spread over a few bombs and little tiny mini lines.

24th April
Order another 2g.
Usage same.

End of April
Buy and try some methylone. Unimpressed.

Early may
Meet some local mephheads.
http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/showpost.php?p=7117287&postcount=99
These are not stupid guys, but they have the whole "YAH YAH LET'S CAIN IT HAAARRDD!!" bravado thing. First time I've come across people like that - genuinely really nice people who like to get very fucked.
Used up the rest of my meph and M1 at their after-party.

Also went to the BL meetup in London, where I met my soon-to-become boyfriend mugabe.

Here's where it starts to escalate
28th May
Order 2g

Still taking small doses (I didn't weigh them, but they were approx 100mg bombs) -- but this is when I started taking a baggie of bombs to work with me to avoid the comedown.

10th June
Order 5g

I think I had about 3g in 3 days (no sleep) and mugabe had the other 2g.

Heavy.

June was insane. That's the month I made taking meph at work a regular thing.
Justification thought #1. "Hmm, I'm bored this evening. Really bored. I think I'll have some meph! It's a work night, but I'll get some sleep somehow, so it's not so bad"

#2 "Doh, it's 4am. I might as well stay up now, I'll feel worse if I sleep"

#3 "I'll take a few small bombs to work with me so I don't crash and fall asleep" (total impossibility -- meph keeps me awake for 12 hours after last dose)
#4 "Home sweet home. That wasn't too bad, think I coped ok. Will have a bigger dose to get nicely fucked and have some fun. Might as well, since I'm already on it. I'll sleep tonight, so it's not so bad"

Go to #1, and you have June.

Mugabe and I agreed that we're taking too much too often and that we need a break. Decide to stop until 1st August (5 weeks away).

I go through my 10 days of hell meph crash. I wanted to kill myself by day 7 - I thought it'd never get any better.
I made these posts when i finally felt better.

"I feel better!"
http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/showpost.php?p=7298581&postcount=25

"I don't know if I'll do meph again"
http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/showpost.php?p=7298629&postcount=27

"I know I'll do meph again"
http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/showpost.php?p=7298645&postcount=29

Pretty much sums up the problem: "I hate myself for it... but in my heart, I know that come August 1st, I'll somehow condone a meph bender."

We lasted a month, til 24th July, not 1st August. But in that month we did a great great variety of drugs! For me, none of them matched up to meph. I remember saying "ket isn't as good as meph" -- mugabe looking gorgeously bemused at the comparison - no doubt everyone else agree that it's a weird one. Sunlight isn't as good as cheese.

I don't have my order history for August - I guess mugabe paid for those. I know that it was almost all at the weekends, occasionally spilling over onto a Monday. This was good, compared to June.

At this point a 5g bag between us would last us 1 session. I don't mean 1 day - I mean Friday afternoon through to Sunday night. No sleep. Not great.

A few times we finished the bag on Saturday afternoon and went and bought more locally, for £20 a gram.

That said, although we were probably causing ourselves no end of damage, it wasn't interfering with our lives. I took GBL most evenings recreationally, and found that the rebound from that plus a load of caffeine pills and coffee was enough to keep me awake at work. There was no comedown to speak of, just tiredness.

Then came the END... September... when we made our BULK buy. And I do mean BULK.

The day it arrived, we oohed and aahed at the big bag... drew a smiley face on it, and "sampled" it.
I hadn't realised that running out was the only thing that stopped us usually. After all, a 2g bag lasted me a month not so long before.

I think the "sampling" was a 3 day binge, then sleep, then another few days. Lasted just over a week.

We were still measuring our usage then.... we got through about 10g each in that week.

Then we again said:

"WE WILL BE SENSIBLE FROM NOW ON".

I was again struck down by the almighty meph comedown. We stopped on a Sunday, and rather surprisingly we made it to Friday. I had a beer at work (contract celebration thing) and it put me in a LET'S GET FUCKED mood.

That lasted another week or so. Eventually I stayed awake for 4 nights in a row and went mental. Hallucinations were quite nice for a bit - but then it all got a bit nasty.

I set 4 alarms for work the next morning but slept through all of them. Pissed off and a bit scared by my binge, I vowed... blah blah

By now the comedown was REALLY HURTING.
Mugabe did a line one day while I was at work... instantly felt guilty and told me. I used it as an excuse to have some too. And here we are.... I don't think there's been a day without meph for.... well, a long time.
The quantities are through the roof too. For example, today, starting from midnight (this is just guessing -- my memory is hazy and I didn't weight most of the bombs):
2 bombs ~150mg
1 line ~75mg
1 bomb ~150mg
Slept for a bit.
1 bomb ~250mg
4 bombs (work) ~100mg
1 line ~50mg
1 bomb ~200mg
1 bomb ~325mg
1 bomb ~150mg

That's nearly 2g. So 14g a week.... 60g a month... That can't be right!!!!

I think it is though.

How am I still alive?

I'm on suboxone again.

the only reason I wasn't was because I ran out and hadn't been to the doctor in like 3 months. So I had a week long w/d, high, w/d, high, w/d, high schedule.

long enough to remind me that I like being on suboxone much more than I like the uncertainty of being on dope without a steady supply of money.

that's about it for now. my blog was lonely, so I decided to make a post. it feels better now. :D

Ma quando lei mi tocca ama questo....
E lei mi tiene ciò ama...

Se la bacio ama questo
E se lei bisbiglia come che era non perso tempo fa Ma è tutto ritorna a me...

I miei baci sarebbero tuttavia benvenuto farebbe il mio abbraccio la porta tuttavia conforta li ha fatto mai?

So che questo non può essere sano. So che potrei trovare qualcuno che non farebbe me il uncertian. Che non sarebbe d'altra parte molto divertimento. Non capisco l'appello, so appena che la vita non sarebbe molto divertimento senza lei. Lei è il conforto tra la tensione, i tempi facili tra il duro.

La voglio mi volere.
Ho bisogno di lei per avere bisogno di me. Desidero per mi che desiderare.

So nessuno di questo mai sarà, Lei non crede che esso mai potrebbe essere, Lei non crede che lei mai potrebbe
essere, l'un meritevole del mio tempo.

LEI È!

Ancora oltre tutto questo. Oltre tutto il ragionamento di unfound. Lei mi vuole tuttavia intorno... Intorno a ma appena distante. .... O è che appena una facciata. ... Qualcosa di falso appena di essere finché qualcosa viene meglio avanti? So come il paranoide che sembra, ma lei deve capire dove vengo da. ... Quanto l'ha doluto ha installata in me. ... Lei neanche si preoccupa, che duole anche più. ...

Ho sentito stupendo le parole dalla sua bocca. Era una volta o l'era due volte? Non ho mai pensato una scusa mai potrebbe sembrare per stupire. ...
Spero appena che lei l'ha significato realmente.

Farla sa anche che lei fa....




my italian sucks and I am sure i got alot wrong, but i just don't care. oh and i think i femminized the HE lol.... it's a HE not a SHE.

Looking over everything i've done so far all the shit i been through. i can say life has thrown quite a few curve balls but overall my life is pretty good. ive done so much stuff other people never even dream about and sure im not rich or famous or even in a good spot right now but i am alive. if i were to die today without accomplishing anything else i'd be happy just for being alive. sometimes i forget this and get sad or angry and by the time i remember i feel stupid for forgetting. there is beauty in everything just look and see it even in the worst situations. at least thats what ive seen, there might be a few POW's or sumtn to disagree but for the most part people take too much for granite including myself.

No more meph: Saturday 6th November

That's a bit of a way off..... I didn't really choose the date -- it's the earliest that I could get time off work. I'm NOT going to work through this, not again.

Looking on the bright side:

• This gives us plenty of time to get rid of all the meph.
• Time for reading about addiction, ways of kicking it, and ways of dealing with comedowns (it's basically a 10 day comedown!)
• Time to figure out coping strategies etc

Of course, I'm also immensly relieved that I don't have to stop TODAY, or in the near-near future. I can't deny that, but I reguse ot put it in the "bright side" list.

I suppose it could look as if I'm stalling. "I'll quit next week....month.....year......".
Isn't saying "I'm not stalling" a bit like saying "I'm not in denial?".
There's no intention of continuing though, definitely not.... if nothing else, believe my sincerity....

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

I said that to mugabe just now; he said "I don't believe in heaven or hell". Good answer

why do I make such retarded choices every time I drink one of these fuckin Joose things?

a 24 oz energy drink fortified with 10% alcohol. brilliant.



sorry

I'm much happier when I'm alone but alone is dangerous for me right now. They say the 'disease' is at its strongest when we isolate but the thing is, people just get on my fuckin' nerves. Plain and simple.

'They' also say 'Principles before Personalities'. Well, I guess I have different principles (or none at all).

I walk taller when I walk by myself.
I speak clearer when I am by myself.
I see more good in the distant stranger when by myself.

When I am with a group:
I slouch with self-doubt
I don't speak my mind as often as I should
I see the bad in the close 'friend'

Am I different than the others that are in the rooms I frequent? Maybe I'm just looking for reasons to disqualify myself from personal growth and potential freedom.

Life requires interaction with all different types of people on a frequent basis. Maybe the discomfort of socialization is helping me deal with the reality that THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD OTHER THAN MYSELF. There is no escape from that. So I gotta learn.

I do know that this is the exact opposite of my behavior when I was using. I didn't socialize at all unless it was the rare instance I used with others. I was with myself, by myself unless absolutely necessary back then.

Now I gotta deal with people and their ridiculous flaws (as if I'm not ridiculously flawed myself).

Well, I didn't use today so I must be doing something right.

Day 65 and it IS getting easier. I AM seeing tiny little bits and pieces of real, hardcore benefits to this new lifestyle I have chosen.

I still think about that needle every fucking day but I don't think of it as often.

I wish I could withdraw from people but I don't have that kind of luxury. I need to do things differently NOW if I truly want to be okay someday.

The following post has been extremely helpful to me on more than one occasion. I hope you are well DrugWench:

http://bluelight.ru/vb/showpost.php?p=6450829&postcount=70

I quit Saturday 14th November.

That's a long way off..... I didn't really choose the date -- it's the earliest that I could get time off work. I'm NOT going to work through this, not again.

Looking on the bright side:

• This gives us plenty of time to get rid of all the meph.
• Time for reading about addiction, ways of kicking it, and ways of dealing with comedowns (it's basically a 10 day comedown!)
• Time to figure out coping strategies etc

Of course, I'm also immensly relieved that I don't have to stop TODAY, or in the near-near future. I can't deny that, but I reguse ot put it in the "bright side" list.

I expect this will beinterpreted by some as stalling - "I'll quit.... next year". More about that in a minute. Let me deal with the "we have time to get rid of all the meph" thing first. I know this doesn't sound good -- if there is still some left at the beginning of that week, won't I just have a mephy holiday? I won't go into it -- but trust me, there will be NO MEPH here that day.

"You're just stalling"
To me, saying "no I'm not" to this is about as valuable as "no, I'm not in denial!".

Just to be absolutely clear - I have no intention of coming up with an 'I'll quit next....year".

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

If nothing else, please believe my sincerity, and realise that point these things out won't actually change them.

It's a possibility that we will somehow justify carrying on. I have to admit that, or I'd just be lying to myself. I think being more honest about my own failures is a good thing....

I've believed in myself and my ability to change so many times. "I can do this". But when I quit drinking, I was at the point where I was afraid I'd never, ever be free of it. So self belief isn't necessary.

Likewise with my boyfriend. I must remember that believing in him and being vocal about it is a bad thing.

Saying "no, you have no self control, you'll fail" might goad someone into "proving you wrong", but that's a pretty unhealthy sounding relationship.

In the past I've always totally and truly believed in his ability to resist - sometimes correctly, generally not. I thought that being "supportive" would buoy his confidence in himself and hence self control.
But it's not just about self control. Sometimes it's just impossible, the temptation, craving, and situaion is too much....

Upshot:

• I "learn" that he can't be trusted
• He feels shit and guilty

Me being me, I've very rarely expressed any negative feeling to him about this. Actually, I'm very rarely even annoyed -- I know how easily it can happen and god knows I've broken enough "no more meph" promises. Less consciously his failures give me buffer room to fail too.

I've been reading lots about addiction, and the general consensus seems to be that in that situation I should yell at him. Make him feel shitty.
I assume the idea is that he'l make a negative association with meph -- meph gets him told off.

This wouldn't work with me. Taking the meph made me feel GOOD. It's the promise I made and the yelling that made me feel bad -- and I don't really associate the two together.
I'll ask him what his view is!

The one that is more clear cut but equally hard is the "I did something really stupid when I was on meph". I've always reacted to that in the "nice" way -- comfort, hugs, minimisation of the event, a bnit of humour and a change of subject.
I think it's pretty clear that that's the wrong thing to do now. But it's so hard to see someone you love in pain and not want to make it better.

Seems this is all general relationship stuff - how we treat each other - that applies equally to his behaviour towards me. I can guess where he stands on most of this, but will do the obvious thing and ask him
I only wish I could do it sober. We're both far too "understanding" on meph. But it's preferable to a comedown conversation -- he'd look bored yet irritated and give me one word answers, at which point I'd burst into tears. Ahhhhh, emotional instability, yay.

i am sitting here munching on salt like its chips or something. and trying to get the motivation to cook dinner or go meet friends for drinks. but chances are, i am going to stay in and be a salt eating hermit.

the salt



up close

When will some people realize their self worth?

When will each man realize that he is no better than the next man, that we are all equal.

When will some people start giving a shit ?

Why does life complications grow twisted and complicated and weirdly...mushed?

..... Why does my ear hurt? lol

I wonder how badly I am going to fuck up my Thursday's blood testing...?

I wonder how high my blood pressure is ....

Why?
Just fucking why?

Why is always the question..... why can't anyone ever give a GOOD, VALID, NON-SELF DEGRADING answer to......

WHY?!!​

"....I needed you to say...."

fghdff

Well I don't know why I came here tonight,
I got the feeling that something ain't right,
I'm so scared in case I fall off my chair,
And I'm wondering how I'll get down the stairs,
Clowns to the left of me,
Jokers to the right, here I am,
Stuck in the middle with you.
Yes I'm stuck in the middle with you,
And I'm wondering what it is I should do,
It's so hard to keep this smile from my face,
Losing control, yeah, I'm all over the place,
Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right,
Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.
Well you started out with nothing,
And you're proud that you're a self made man,
And your friends, they all come crawlin,
Slap you on the back and say,
Please.... Please.....
Trying to make some sense of it all,
But I can see that it makes no sense at all,
Is it cool to go to sleep on the floor,
'Cause I don't think that I can take anymore
Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right,
Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.
Well you started out with nothing,
And you're proud that you're a self made man,
And your friends, they all come crawlin,
Slap you on the back and say,
Please.... Please.....
Well I don't know why I came here tonight,
I got the feeling that something ain't right,
I'm so scared in case I fall off my chair,
And I'm wondering how I'll get down the stairs,
Clowns to the left of me,
Jokers to the right, here I am,
Stuck in the middle with you,
Yes I'm stuck in the middle with you,
Stuck in the middle with you.



To you...

I haven't had a blog in years. I also haven't read other's blogs in a while. I need to get myself reading and writing more often, so I figured this would be a good place to start.

My name is Tiffany, and I've been posting on BL sporadically since 2000. I hope I can con some of you poor suckers to read de shite from my noggin.

Sometimes poignant, sometimes meandering, sometimes ridiculous; scratch that: often ridiculous - I promise to be all this, and more!

Now, off to the races, but I'll be back. Gotta go kick kittens and punt babies (that's code for doing my dishes - it's going to get violent, as I think some things might be living in the bottom of the pile. I have problems staying motivated to do dishes, but maybe a few battle scars might do the trick). I'll be back to vent about the concerts I've been to this weekend; people have been pissing me off lately, which guarantees a vehement diatribe in the near future.

I've booked a week off work to get through the worst of the comedown/withdrawals/whatever.

The earliest I could get is 2 weeks away. I'm looking on the bright side - this gives me time to do lots of research and have a decent plan for coping.

Of course, the other bright side is the IMMENSE RELIEF that I don't have to stop today. EADD people will conclude that I'm just stalling -- "I'll quit next week!". My instinct is to refute this, but that's like saying "I'm not in denial!".

I heard this on NPR this weekend and fell in love.

If you live life in the middle and not on the edge
You’re hopelessly Midwestern
If a big Saturday means clipping the hedge
You’re hopelessly Midwestern
If you shop at Sears, drink a lot of iced tea
You like to dance the polka and watch TV
Well, then the jury is in, and the critics agree
You’re hopelessly Midwestern

Hopelessly Midwestern – corn fed boys and girls
Hopelessly Midwestern – square pegs in this big round world
Well, you can go from seas to shining sea
But right in the middle is the place to be
And if you like it like that, you’re a lot like me –
Hopelessly Midwestern

Now if you’re favorite stretch of highway is flat & straight
You’re hopelessly Midwestern
And if you still think sushi looks a lot like bait
You’re hopelessly Midwestern
You like your potatoes mashed and your chicken fried
Your green beans boiled and your apples pied
And home sweet home is a double-wide
You’re hopelessly Midwestern

Hopelessly Midwestern – corn fed boys and girls
Hopelessly Midwestern – square pegs in this big round world
Well you can go from seas to shining sea
But right in the middle is the place to be
And if you like it like that, you’re a lot like me –
Hopelessly Midwestern

You know, I travel all over the country in my line of work – singing songs and playing the guitar. Wherever I go I seem to find Midwesterners in the audience. I guess it’s the great Midwestern Diaspora.

Midwesterners all over the continent, taking with them their recipes for green bean casserole made with Campbell’s mushroom soup and Durkee fried onions – yeah, straight from the can. And for dessert – lime Jello mold – the kind with the little marshmallows and the pineapple chunks.

Now you can laugh at the Midwest all you want – we can take it. We’re a hardy breed. But there is a lot to be said for the flatlands in the middle of America – your so-called “fly over” country. Sure the weather’s tough and the winters are hard and the summers are harder. But, hey, we never have hurricanes. No tsunamis, volcanoes, or earthquakes to speak of. And with the thousands of miles of beachfront property in Michigan alone, not one shark attack. Nary a one.

So I sing this song wherever I go, for all the displaced misplaced Midwesterners and all those Midwestern wannabes out there. But you know sometimes I am taken aback.

I remember singing this song a few years ago in California. A festival in Mendocino County. Beautiful summer day out there among the giant redwoods and the lush vineyards, you know. I sang this song along with many others, and when my set was over, a young woman, I guess what you’d call a classic “California girl” came up to me. Beautiful young woman all decked out in tye dye – orange and purple swirls from head to foot. She had long blonde hair and those big blue kaleidoscope eyes.

And she looked up at me and said – “Well, I know Western. But what’s MID western?” Like it was the next big thing or somethin’ and she wanted to get in on it.

I said, “Well, that just means you are from – or of – one of the Midwestern states.”

And that didn’t mean anything to her at all.

So I said –“Well. You know, if like you were from Ohio. Or Indiana. Illinois. Michigan, Wisconsin. Minnesota, Iowa, Missouri – Kansas, Nebraska, North Dakota, South Dakota. The Midwest.”

And she said, “Wow, man! Do you know all the capitals, too?”

You know, this is a true story. And it was right then and there that I realized just how Midwestern I really was. Because I DID know all the capitals. But I didn’t go all the way to Mendocino County California just to show off my education.

Now, if Carl Sandburg is your kind of poet
You’re hopelessly Midwestern
And if you have an accent but you don’t know it
You’re hopelessly Midwestern
You got at least three Uncles named Jim or Bob
You love your home and you love your job
And “growin’ your own” means corn on the cob
You’re hopelessly Midwestern

Hopelessly Midwestern – corn fed boys and girls
Hopelessly Midwestern – square pegs in this big round world
Well you can go from seas to shining sea
But right in the middle is the place to be
And if you like it like that, you’re a lot like me
Hopelessly Midwestern
Hopelessly, impossibly, irreparably Midwestern. - Joel Mabus

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One of the dude's that we all hang with rather frequently got paid on Friday. He shared at a meeting that money was a trigger for him and that it would help if we kept an eye on him.

I called him Friday morning (he works 3rd shift) and he was in the car with his girlfriend on their way to her place. He said he was ok.

I received a call from this guy's dad later Friday night and he asked me to call his son. The father received a text from the girlfriend saying that she has never seen dude act 'like this' before.

I called my boy a number of times but he didn't answer. I called his girlfriend and she described the symptoms of someone nodding out. I wanted to give the benefit of the doubt but it seemed rather clear from what she was describing.

I heard his voice in the background. He was telling her to hang up the phone.

She texted me later saying that she was missing 3 percocets and 28 lorazepam (ativan).

This isn't good.

I'm not one of those NA guys that will avoid him because he relapsed. Yeah, if he was a stranger, I would stay the fuck away but this dude is one of the first dude's I became friends with by taking a chance on trying something new.

I got his back if he needs me. Fuck, man, using is EASY. Has he forgotten the HARD part which is the lifestyle, pain and misery that comes along with it?

I'd LOVE to fucking use and slam some shit in my arm but I don't got it like that. I can't just do some one day and then put it down. I CAN"T use recreationally.

I've come to far and am FINALLY seeing a payoff. Why isn't it the same for him?

I have a new primary care physician and I saw her the other day so that I could get a prescription for Chantix. This stuff is supposed to work wonders for quitting smoking but apparently I'm not a candidate for it.

I was diagnosed with depression in '93 and was prescribed Paxil (Paroxetine). I was taking it up until (maybe) the beginning of August this year. Since I took myself off it I haven't had ANY signs or symptoms of depression. This tells me that I was either mis-diagnosed or that I am 'cured'.

I also have a history of suicidal thoughts and attempts that go hand in hand with my previous drug and alcohol use.

Because of these things, my doctor does not want me to take Chantix because it can cause depression and suicidal thoughts.

She would like me to pursue alternatives starting with Smoking Cessation classes at the local hospital. These classes are facilitated by a psychologist and I believe it is also a support group.

When I finally make the decision through/during/after the classes she is suggesting nicotine gum.

I guess I don't get to take the easy way out through the 'magical' properties of Chantix. It would be nice to make it as easy as possible but, as I think about it, I tend to benefit to a much greater extent when I accomplish, or simply 'get through', things when it is painful. My addiction was painful, the realization of 'M's true feelings for me was painful, the tossing away of my career was painful.

All of these I have learned from. I can see different perspectives. I'm humbled and I feel, for the most part, at peace now. Pain helps me grow. The pain and discomfort of not smoking will be yet another growth experience for me.

I plan on making this Monday, October 26th my official quit date. I have some transdermal patches, running shoes and OTC sleep aids that I will be incorporating into this endeavor.

I figure the first three days will be the hardest (I know this from previous attempts I have made). During these three days of irritability I'm going to isolate from the new friends I've made in NA. I'm still going to go to my meetings but right after I'm gonna fly the fuck out because I'm well aware of how much of a dick I can be when withdrawing from nicotine. People tend to get on my nerves BIG TIME when I'm like that.

We shall see. I really want to get ALL monkeys off my back and not be controlled by something that I have the power to conquer.

THE BASICS...

1. Name as it appears on your birth certificate? Kerry and fuck if I'm gonna say the rest of it here.
2. Nicknames? kerrbear
3. Number of candles that appeared on your last birthday cake? I haven't had a cake since I was 9 so 9 candles
4. Date of birth? 1/7/81
5. Starsign? Capricorn
6. Pets? 1 cat, Azrael
7. Height? 5' 8"
8. Weight? haha not saying
9. Eye colour? Blue
10. Hair colour? Brownish red
11. Piercing? now just tragus and belly button. In the past I've also had tongue, eyebrow, and ear lobes
12. Tattoos? "infinity lizards" on my upper back
13. Birthplace? Denver, CO
14. Do you have a job? Yes
15. Do you have any lookalikes? Not that I know of

HAVE YOU OR HAVEN'T YOU...

16. Been in love before? Yes
17. Been drunk? uh-huh
18. Been so drunk you passed out? oh yes
19. Been involved in a car crash? a few
20. Had the drink Calypso Breeze? never heard of it
21. Been toilet-papered? Nope
22. Tried Marijuana?
23. Gone skinny-dipping? Yeah
24. Dyed your hair? Yes, but I don't think I ever will again. I loooove my natural color now.
25. Been handcuffed? No
26. Been convicted of a crime? Nope
27. Stolen anything from someone else? When I was 5 I stole a pack of gum. My dad made me go in and return it and apologize.
28. Stolen anything from a hotel room? Every thing that's not bolted down is up for grabs
29. Voluntarily looked at pornography? Yes
30. Started a rumour to hurt someone else? Not that I recall

RANDOM QUESTIONS...

31. What was the name of your childhood blanket? Probably just blanket lol
32. Which single store would you choose to go on a shopping spree in? Depends how much money I get to spend.
33. What do you do most often when you are bored? Internets, TV
34. What words or phrases do you overuse? "you know"
35. Pet hates? cleaning up poop
36. Best things? Azrael, my parents, kittens in general
37. Bedtime? Usually around midnight, it depends what's going on
38. Most philosophical thought? hmmm
39. If you could have a starring role in any TV show, which would you choose? None. Fuck fame.
40. If you had three wishes, what would they be? happiness, love, and peace
41. What's your worst nightmare? Dying alone and having all my cats eat my body before I'm found.
42. Your most hated school subject? math!
43. Which is more important, sex, love or friendship? Love
44. What would be the first thing you would do to change the world? No more organized religion
45. Do you watch Big Brother? I scheduled a semester of classes around it, but haven't seen it since.
46. What do you think of reality TV? Most of it's lame.
47. Which celeb would you most like to sleep with? No thanks.
48. Are you a virgin?...
49. How often do you surf the net? I'm usually online when I'm home and awake.
50. What are four unusual facts about yourself that most people don't know? My mom has 16 brothers and sisters and my dad has 9, I love reading memoirs, I like drugs, I hate cranberries.