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i am sitting here munching on salt like its chips or something. and trying to get the motivation to cook dinner or go meet friends for drinks. but chances are, i am going to stay in and be a salt eating hermit.

the salt

up close

Oct 25, 2009

Dave

C

Thoughts

When will some people realize their self worth?

When will each man realize that he is no better than the next man, that we are all equal.

When will some people start giving a shit ?

Why does life complications grow twisted and complicated and weirdly...mushed?

..... Why does my ear hurt? lol

I wonder how badly I am going to fuck up my Thursday's blood testing...?

I wonder how high my blood pressure is ....

Why?
Just fucking why?

Why is always the question..... why can't anyone ever give a GOOD, VALID, NON-SELF DEGRADING answer to......

WHY?!!

"....I needed you to say...."

$:\$

Oct 25, 2009

crevan

C

stuck

fghdff

Oct 25, 2009

eckley47

To someone

Well I don't know why I came here tonight,
I got the feeling that something ain't right,
I'm so scared in case I fall off my chair,
And I'm wondering how I'll get down the stairs,
Clowns to the left of me,
Jokers to the right, here I am,
Stuck in the middle with you.
Yes I'm stuck in the middle with you,
And I'm wondering what it is I should do,
It's so hard to keep this smile from my face,
Losing control, yeah, I'm all over the place,
Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right,
Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.
Well you started out with nothing,
And you're proud that you're a self made man,
And your friends, they all come crawlin,
Slap you on the back and say,
Please.... Please.....
Trying to make some sense of it all,
But I can see that it makes no sense at all,
Is it cool to go to sleep on the floor,
'Cause I don't think that I can take anymore
Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right,
Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.
Well you started out with nothing,
And you're proud that you're a self made man,
And your friends, they all come crawlin,
Slap you on the back and say,
Please.... Please.....
Well I don't know why I came here tonight,
I got the feeling that something ain't right,
I'm so scared in case I fall off my chair,
And I'm wondering how I'll get down the stairs,
Clowns to the left of me,
Jokers to the right, here I am,
Stuck in the middle with you,
Yes I'm stuck in the middle with you,
Stuck in the middle with you.

To you...

Oct 25, 2009

chainsawr

Baby's First Post, or Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner!

I haven't had a blog in years. I also haven't read other's blogs in a while. I need to get myself reading and writing more often, so I figured this would be a good place to start.

My name is Tiffany, and I've been posting on BL sporadically since 2000. I hope I can con some of you poor suckers to read de shite from my noggin.

Sometimes poignant, sometimes meandering, sometimes ridiculous; scratch that: often ridiculous - I promise to be all this, and more!

Now, off to the races, but I'll be back. Gotta go kick kittens and punt babies (that's code for doing my dishes - it's going to get violent, as I think some things might be living in the bottom of the pile. I have problems staying motivated to do dishes, but maybe a few battle scars might do the trick). I'll be back to vent about the concerts I've been to this weekend; people have been pissing me off lately, which guarantees a vehement diatribe in the near future.

Oct 25, 2009

Dave

***title

I've booked a week off work to get through the worst of the comedown/withdrawals/whatever.

The earliest I could get is 2 weeks away. I'm looking on the bright side - this gives me time to do lots of research and have a decent plan for coping.

Of course, the other bright side is the IMMENSE RELIEF that I don't have to stop today. EADD people will conclude that I'm just stalling -- "I'll quit next week!". My instinct is to refute this, but that's like saying "I'm not in denial!".

Oct 24, 2009

angelsmoke

I guess I am Hopelessly Midwestern

I heard this on NPR this weekend and fell in love.

If you live life in the middle and not on the edge
You’re hopelessly Midwestern
If a big Saturday means clipping the hedge
You’re hopelessly Midwestern
If you shop at Sears, drink a lot of iced tea
You like to dance the polka and watch TV
Well, then the jury is in, and the critics agree
You’re hopelessly Midwestern

Hopelessly Midwestern – corn fed boys and girls
Hopelessly Midwestern – square pegs in this big round world
Well, you can go from seas to shining sea
But right in the middle is the place to be
And if you like it like that, you’re a lot like me –
Hopelessly Midwestern

Now if you’re favorite stretch of highway is flat & straight
You’re hopelessly Midwestern
And if you still think sushi looks a lot like bait
You’re hopelessly Midwestern
You like your potatoes mashed and your chicken fried
Your green beans boiled and your apples pied
And home sweet home is a double-wide
You’re hopelessly Midwestern

Hopelessly Midwestern – corn fed boys and girls
Hopelessly Midwestern – square pegs in this big round world
Well you can go from seas to shining sea
But right in the middle is the place to be
And if you like it like that, you’re a lot like me –
Hopelessly Midwestern

You know, I travel all over the country in my line of work – singing songs and playing the guitar. Wherever I go I seem to find Midwesterners in the audience. I guess it’s the great Midwestern Diaspora.

Midwesterners all over the continent, taking with them their recipes for green bean casserole made with Campbell’s mushroom soup and Durkee fried onions – yeah, straight from the can. And for dessert – lime Jello mold – the kind with the little marshmallows and the pineapple chunks.

Now you can laugh at the Midwest all you want – we can take it. We’re a hardy breed. But there is a lot to be said for the flatlands in the middle of America – your so-called “fly over” country. Sure the weather’s tough and the winters are hard and the summers are harder. But, hey, we never have hurricanes. No tsunamis, volcanoes, or earthquakes to speak of. And with the thousands of miles of beachfront property in Michigan alone, not one shark attack. Nary a one.

So I sing this song wherever I go, for all the displaced misplaced Midwesterners and all those Midwestern wannabes out there. But you know sometimes I am taken aback.

I remember singing this song a few years ago in California. A festival in Mendocino County. Beautiful summer day out there among the giant redwoods and the lush vineyards, you know. I sang this song along with many others, and when my set was over, a young woman, I guess what you’d call a classic “California girl” came up to me. Beautiful young woman all decked out in tye dye – orange and purple swirls from head to foot. She had long blonde hair and those big blue kaleidoscope eyes.

And she looked up at me and said – “Well, I know Western. But what’s MID western?” Like it was the next big thing or somethin’ and she wanted to get in on it.

I said, “Well, that just means you are from – or of – one of the Midwestern states.”

And that didn’t mean anything to her at all.

So I said –“Well. You know, if like you were from Ohio. Or Indiana. Illinois. Michigan, Wisconsin. Minnesota, Iowa, Missouri – Kansas, Nebraska, North Dakota, South Dakota. The Midwest.”

And she said, “Wow, man! Do you know all the capitals, too?”

You know, this is a true story. And it was right then and there that I realized just how Midwestern I really was. Because I DID know all the capitals. But I didn’t go all the way to Mendocino County California just to show off my education.

Now, if Carl Sandburg is your kind of poet
You’re hopelessly Midwestern
And if you have an accent but you don’t know it
You’re hopelessly Midwestern
You got at least three Uncles named Jim or Bob
You love your home and you love your job
And “growin’ your own” means corn on the cob
You’re hopelessly Midwestern

Hopelessly Midwestern – corn fed boys and girls
Hopelessly Midwestern – square pegs in this big round world
Well you can go from seas to shining sea
But right in the middle is the place to be
And if you like it like that, you’re a lot like me
Hopelessly Midwestern
Hopelessly, impossibly, irreparably Midwestern. - Joel Mabus

Oct 24, 2009

dspade

Another Relapse In The Crowd

One of the dude's that we all hang with rather frequently got paid on Friday. He shared at a meeting that money was a trigger for him and that it would help if we kept an eye on him.

I called him Friday morning (he works 3rd shift) and he was in the car with his girlfriend on their way to her place. He said he was ok.

I received a call from this guy's dad later Friday night and he asked me to call his son. The father received a text from the girlfriend saying that she has never seen dude act 'like this' before.

I called my boy a number of times but he didn't answer. I called his girlfriend and she described the symptoms of someone nodding out. I wanted to give the benefit of the doubt but it seemed rather clear from what she was describing.

I heard his voice in the background. He was telling her to hang up the phone.

She texted me later saying that she was missing 3 percocets and 28 lorazepam (ativan).

This isn't good.

I'm not one of those NA guys that will avoid him because he relapsed. Yeah, if he was a stranger, I would stay the fuck away but this dude is one of the first dude's I became friends with by taking a chance on trying something new.

I got his back if he needs me. Fuck, man, using is EASY. Has he forgotten the HARD part which is the lifestyle, pain and misery that comes along with it?

I'd LOVE to fucking use and slam some shit in my arm but I don't got it like that. I can't just do some one day and then put it down. I CAN"T use recreationally.

I've come to far and am FINALLY seeing a payoff. Why isn't it the same for him?

Oct 24, 2009

Sweet P

Chantix

I have a new primary care physician and I saw her the other day so that I could get a prescription for Chantix. This stuff is supposed to work wonders for quitting smoking but apparently I'm not a candidate for it.

I was diagnosed with depression in '93 and was prescribed Paxil (Paroxetine). I was taking it up until (maybe) the beginning of August this year. Since I took myself off it I haven't had ANY signs or symptoms of depression. This tells me that I was either mis-diagnosed or that I am 'cured'.

I also have a history of suicidal thoughts and attempts that go hand in hand with my previous drug and alcohol use.

Because of these things, my doctor does not want me to take Chantix because it can cause depression and suicidal thoughts.

She would like me to pursue alternatives starting with Smoking Cessation classes at the local hospital. These classes are facilitated by a psychologist and I believe it is also a support group.

When I finally make the decision through/during/after the classes she is suggesting nicotine gum.

I guess I don't get to take the easy way out through the 'magical' properties of Chantix. It would be nice to make it as easy as possible but, as I think about it, I tend to benefit to a much greater extent when I accomplish, or simply 'get through', things when it is painful. My addiction was painful, the realization of 'M's true feelings for me was painful, the tossing away of my career was painful.

All of these I have learned from. I can see different perspectives. I'm humbled and I feel, for the most part, at peace now. Pain helps me grow. The pain and discomfort of not smoking will be yet another growth experience for me.

I plan on making this Monday, October 26th my official quit date. I have some transdermal patches, running shoes and OTC sleep aids that I will be incorporating into this endeavor.

I figure the first three days will be the hardest (I know this from previous attempts I have made). During these three days of irritability I'm going to isolate from the new friends I've made in NA. I'm still going to go to my meetings but right after I'm gonna fly the fuck out because I'm well aware of how much of a dick I can be when withdrawing from nicotine. People tend to get on my nerves BIG TIME when I'm like that.

We shall see. I really want to get ALL monkeys off my back and not be controlled by something that I have the power to conquer.

Oct 24, 2009

OverDone

I'm a sheep baaaaa!

THE BASICS...

1. Name as it appears on your birth certificate? Kerry and fuck if I'm gonna say the rest of it here.
2. Nicknames? kerrbear
3. Number of candles that appeared on your last birthday cake? I haven't had a cake since I was 9 so 9 candles
4. Date of birth? 1/7/81
5. Starsign? Capricorn
6. Pets? 1 cat, Azrael

7. Height? 5' 8"
8. Weight? haha not saying
9. Eye colour? Blue
10. Hair colour? Brownish red
11. Piercing? now just tragus and belly button. In the past I've also had tongue, eyebrow, and ear lobes
12. Tattoos? "infinity lizards" on my upper back
13. Birthplace? Denver, CO
14. Do you have a job? Yes
15. Do you have any lookalikes? Not that I know of

HAVE YOU OR HAVEN'T YOU...

16. Been in love before? Yes
17. Been drunk? uh-huh
18. Been so drunk you passed out? oh yes
19. Been involved in a car crash? a few
20. Had the drink Calypso Breeze? never heard of it
21. Been toilet-papered? Nope
22. Tried Marijuana?

23. Gone skinny-dipping? Yeah
24. Dyed your hair? Yes, but I don't think I ever will again. I loooove my natural color now.
25. Been handcuffed? No
26. Been convicted of a crime? Nope
27. Stolen anything from someone else? When I was 5 I stole a pack of gum. My dad made me go in and return it and apologize.
28. Stolen anything from a hotel room? Every thing that's not bolted down is up for grabs

29. Voluntarily looked at pornography? Yes
30. Started a rumour to hurt someone else? Not that I recall

RANDOM QUESTIONS...

31. What was the name of your childhood blanket? Probably just blanket lol
32. Which single store would you choose to go on a shopping spree in? Depends how much money I get to spend.
33. What do you do most often when you are bored? Internets, TV
34. What words or phrases do you overuse? "you know"
35. Pet hates? cleaning up poop
36. Best things? Azrael, my parents, kittens in general
37. Bedtime? Usually around midnight, it depends what's going on
38. Most philosophical thought? hmmm
39. If you could have a starring role in any TV show, which would you choose? None. Fuck fame.
40. If you had three wishes, what would they be? happiness, love, and peace
41. What's your worst nightmare? Dying alone and having all my cats eat my body before I'm found.
42. Your most hated school subject? math!
43. Which is more important, sex, love or friendship? Love

44. What would be the first thing you would do to change the world? No more organized religion
45. Do you watch Big Brother? I scheduled a semester of classes around it, but haven't seen it since.
46. What do you think of reality TV? Most of it's lame.
47. Which celeb would you most like to sleep with? No thanks.
48. Are you a virgin?...
49. How often do you surf the net? I'm usually online when I'm home and awake.
50. What are four unusual facts about yourself that most people don't know? My mom has 16 brothers and sisters and my dad has 9, I love reading memoirs, I like drugs, I hate cranberries.

Oct 24, 2009

OverDone

You Fuckers! I NEVER Do These...

THE BASICS...

1. Name as it appears on your birth certificate? ------------
2. Nicknames? Jazzy J (not found of it), Dogface (thanks katie)
3. Number of candles that appeared on your last birthday cake? no cake and no party
4. Date of birth? 11-20-1970
5. Starsign? Scorpio
6. Pets? An 11 year old Akita
7. Height? 5' 11.5" (gotta add the .5 cause chicks like tall guys I hear)
8. Weight? 190lbs
9. Eye colour? Hazel
10. Hair colour? shaved
11. Piercing? ears but I don't use the holes anymore
12. Tattoos? one on each arm and one on my back
13. Birthplace? Somewhere outside of Philadelphia
14. Do you have a job? nope
15. Do you have any lookalikes? all us bald white guys look alike

HAVE YOU OR HAVEN'T YOU...

16. Been in love before? Yes
17. Been drunk? ummm.... I'm a Darksider
18. Been so drunk you passed out? See number 17
19. Been involved in a car crash? Quite a few
20. Had the drink Calypso Breeze? I do not have a vagina
21. Been toilet-papered? no i haven't
22. Tried Marijuana? More than tried
23. Gone skinny-dipping? yes I have
24. Dyed your hair? once had a mohawk. apparently dark red turns to pink after showering. I looked REAL tough after that mistake
25. Been handcuffed? by girlfriends and the police
26. Been convicted of a crime? define 'convicted'
27. Stolen anything from someone else? junkies tend to do that kind of thing on occasion
28. Stolen anything from a hotel room? towels, soap, shampoo, etc.
29. Voluntarily looked at pornography? Absolutely
30. Started a rumour to hurt someone else? most likely

RANDOM QUESTIONS...

31. What was the name of your childhood blanket? don't remember
32. Which single store would you choose to go on a shopping spree in? Macy's
33. What do you do most often when you are bored? sleep
34. What words or phrases do you overuse? 'gotcha', 'you fucker', 'motherfucker', 'dude', 'yo'
35. Pet hates? not really sure if I can list just one
36. Best things? dogs, computers, music, sex
37. Bedtime? it varies
38. Most philosophical thought? I'm not the most profound person in the world
39. If you could have a starring role in any TV show, which would you choose? Hells Kitchen
40. If you had three wishes, what would they be? removal of my obsession for drugs, stability, self-confidence
41. What's your worst nightmare? immortality
42. Your most hated school subject? religion
43. Which is more important, sex, love or friendship? love
44. What would be the first thing you would do to change the world? unity among people
45. Do you watch Big Brother? absolutely not
46. What do you think of reality TV? fake
47. Which celeb would you most like to sleep with? celebs have egos which is a HUGE turn off
48. Are you a virgin? I wish I was at times so I could have an excuse for my sexual naivete
49. How often do you surf the net? all the time (even while driving)
50. What are four unusual facts about yourself that most people don't know? 'Stonewall' Jackson is a distant relative, I learned 'ape language' from Edgar Rice Burroughs Tarzan novels when I was a kid, I can make fart noises by pressing my hands together

Oct 24, 2009

Sweet P

A bit of background

Hi!

Welcome to my blog of self pity and whining. I'm neither eloquent nor filled with deep thoughts that I'm unable to express -- so don't expect a literary masterpiece, please.

Me and alcohol
Meph is the second substance I've had abuse issues with. From age 20 to 23 I had a pretty crap alcohol problem. I'll shy away from "alcoholic" - technically I fit the definition, but I think that's better reserved for people who suffer physical withdrawal. I never drank in the morning or during the day, but managed about 130 units of alcohol a week. I convinced myself that this was ok and that i was "having fun" for about 2 years. In the last year I finally recognised it as a problem. A problem that I seemed powerless to get past.
My GP was no help ("you play computer games and watch TV in the evenings? No wonder you're an alcohol, what a boring and unrewarding life"). Eventually got it sorted with the help of a £240 an hour psychiatrist. Don't think he said anything that wasn't obvious -- but the obvious things didn't occur to me.

I was sober for about 3 months. Then a handful of binges spread over a another 4 months.

Though I'd cracked the habit and now drank significantly less than the average person, I still craved alcohol. I enjoyed MDMA recreationally, but to me it was orthoganal to booze.

Enter meph!

Enter meph, April 2009!
It's so obvious now that I just substituted one habit for another. Not for the same reasons - with alcohol I was trying to get away from anxiety, self loathing, etc etc. Meph was genuinely FUN! I did my first dose in the company of you fine BlueLighters, gabbling away in the EADD meph thread until gently nudged into the "I'm fucked" thread.

A bit of generic background
I feel horrible when I adopt a phrase usually used by opiate/other well'ard drug addicts. It feels like my poxy psychological addiction doesn't belong in the same class.
Nonetheless, I'd describe myself as a functioning addict.
I have a degree in maths & compsci, and I work in electronics engineering (professional geek). My job is pretty demanding, but I've yet to seriously fuck up because of alcohol/drugs. I take a lot of sick days - whereever possible I invent an excuse that allows me to take it from my holiday allowance and I think I'm getting a reputation for being unreliable, but my work is generally fine.

I'm 24, I lived alone until a few months ago when my boyfriend moved in. I'm debatably blonde ("dirty blonde", hell yes).

I have no hobbies. In my spare time (when not on drugs) I lounge in front of the TV (Hollyoaks is my secret vice. Oh yeah, I can't keep secrets), play games (WoW, replaying FFVII on ps3, that sorta thing). I surf the net and post on here and other forums. I chat and hang out with my fella.
I guess the important thing to notice there is that there's nothing that being fucked prevents me from doing. I have tried to adopt "rewarding" hobbies - but unfortunately I haven't found anything I enjoy yet. I guess I'm just a bad person.

Fella
My boyfriend is a fellow Bluelighter, mugabe. We met at a meetup in London, and a few awesome msn convos later, I was in full "yeeeek infatuation" mode. Lucky for me, so was he. I never believed in soulmates until I met him

He's a meph addict too - and certainly we have not helped each other with this, because of a mutual "don't harass me about my drug use" agreement.

Ancient history
For the "it all stems from your childhood" fans, yeah, probably. My dad was an abusive (that's physical+mental, not sexual) psychopath, left when I was 13, but not without doing quite a lot of damage before he did. My older sister looked after me so much and helped me to keep it together. Just as I'd pretty much picked up the pieces, she died in a freak accident age 23 while I was 15. I was completely numb to that and think I probably never really "dealt with it". Then my mum got arrested for dealing weed, 2 years later when I was 17.

Read into it if you want. I think the psychological torment my dad put me through has done some damage, but I don't think any of those things contributed to my current drug problems.

Oh. I'm 5'2. My natural weight is about 8st 5, probably hovering around 7st at the moment cos of the meph.

Oct 23, 2009

angelsmoke

Survey about me :)

THE BASICS...

1. Name as it appears on your birth certificate? Theresa Crain
2. Nicknames? None
3. Number of candles that appeared on your last birthday cake? No cake on my last bday

lol
4. Date of birth? may 29
5. Starsign? Gemini
6. Pets? 3 dogs, 1 cat
7. Height? 5' 8"
8. Weight? 120
9. Eye colour? Blue
10. Hair colour? Blonde
11. Piercing? tongue, ears
12. Tattoos? 3, and more to come

13. Birthplace? Ft Lauderdale.... broward county bitchhh!
14. Do you have a job? Not at the moment, just taking care of my son
15. Do you have any lookalikes? nahh

HAVE YOU OR HAVEN'T YOU...

16. Been in love before? Yep
17. Been drunk? Haha duh
18. Been so drunk you passed out? Yes sir
19. Been involved in a car crash? Yes
20. Had the drink Calypso Breeze? No
21. Been toilet-papered? No
22. Tried Marijuana? yes, smoke be4 bed.. helps me sleep. Other than that, nah makes me 2 lazy and stupid haha
23. Gone skinny-dipping? Yes
24. Dyed your hair? Yes, black and it was a big mistake.
25. Been handcuffed? God, yes..
26. Been convicted of a crime? Yeah, when i was a juvenile. for drugs of course =/
27. Stolen anything from someone else? Yes, not proud though
28. Stolen anything from a hotel room? Yes lol bath oils and soap
29. Voluntarily looked at pornography? Yeah but its pointless and i think its only for pigs, sorry.
30. Started a rumour to hurt someone else? Prob back in highschool lol

RANDOM QUESTIONS...

31. What was the name of your childhood blanket? my blankie lol
32. Which single store would you choose to go on a shopping spree in? Not sure... spencers, macys, shit if i could have a shopping spree at a tattoo parlor, thatd be awesome as well.
33. What do you do most often when you are bored? Sit online lol. Or go walking / jogging
34. What words or phrases do you overuse? WTF lol...
35. Pet hates? training a puppy lol
36. Best things? Too many to name. My son, drugs hehe, partyin with the besties. mcuh much more
37. Bedtime? When im tired... not 2 late tho knowing i gotta wake up early w/ the kid
38. Most philosophical thought? dunno?
39. If you could have a starring role in any TV show, which would you choose? CSI maybe?
40. If you had three wishes, what would they be? Win the lottery, give my son whatever he wants, and to settle down with a REAL family. ahem, long story

41. What's your worst nightmare? Not being successful i guess.....
42. Your most hated school subject? Math and History....
43. Which is more important, sex, love or friendship? LOVE & friendship
44. What would be the first thing you would do to change the world? not sure. id have to think about that 1 .
45. Do you watch Big Brother? No.
46. What do you think of reality TV? some shows are good
47. Which celeb would you most like to sleep with? Lol.. hmmm Ryan Reynolds?
48. Are you a virgin? Yep, sure.
49. How often do you surf the net? 2 much . im addcited to the internet lol
50. What are four unusual facts about yourself that most people don't know? Im not as innocent as they all think

Oct 23, 2009

OverDone

T

the grind

well, the my university "grind" is about to begin today..

Got a Corporate Finance exam at 7pm tonight (11am now), which is going to be a bitch, because I hate the class and don't know as much as I should. Normally I would be freaking out at this point, but for some reason, honestly I just don't care.

I've kept high grades my whole life, and at this point I know it's not all about grades. So if I fuck this up, I fuck it up, not that big of a deal, i've messed up the 1st midterm before and still destroyed the class with a high grade.

But yea, whats more of a pain is that I have an exam tomorrow - 9am saturday morning too. gonna be easier than finance, but still, blah.

It's a rainy fuckin friday - the kind I love. I wouldn't love anything more than to be standing outside on my porch, bags packed, waiting on my dad to pick me up for the weekend. But he is in heart surgery like, right now. But he should be out at noon.

ahhh i just wanna fast forward to tomorrow at noon, where i'll just be like "fuck yea"

Oct 23, 2009

OverDone

cinemas[XViD]gr.torrent

i'll preface this with that i'm one of those kind of people that like to watch something before i go to bed so i can coddle my small primate brain into letting me get some sleep, but over the three months or so i've been here in greece i haven't watched more then a lick of tv; i usually attribute this to a. the tv being the in the kitchen, b. most of if being in greek (minus cnn ofc) and c. tv fucking sucks.

irregardless, (u mad i just used that word?) my solution has been the occasional livestream and/or torrent'ing a movie or two on a nightly basis. i ended up writing this list up yesterday because i downloading the same movie again again (its happened a few times now), not realizing i've already seen it and wasted about an hour of my time heh.

so newayz, with further ado: here is my short list & synopsis of the movies i watched while i've been here (that i remember).

serenity (05) "The crew of the ship Serenity tries to evade an assassin sent to recapture one of their number who is telepathic." http://imdb.com/title/tt0379786/

the man from earth (07) "An impromptu goodbye party for Professor John Oldman becomes a mysterious interrogation after the retiring scholar reveals to his colleagues he is an immortal who has walked the earth for 14,000 years." http://imdb.com/title/tt0756683

undead (03) "A quaint Australian fishing village is overcome by meteorites that turn its residents into the ravenous undead, leaving a small group of those unharmed to find a way out." http://imdb.com/title/tt0339840/

zombieland (09) we all know what this is

faq about time travel (09) "While drinking at their local pub, three social outcasts attempt to navigate a time-travel conundrum. " http://imdb.com/title/tt0910554/

the thaw (09) "A research expedition to the Arctic discovers that a melting polar ice cap has released a deadly prehistoric parasite." http://imdb.com/title/tt1235448/
adventureland

district 9 (09) "An extraterrestrial race forced to live in slum-like conditions on Earth suddenly finds a kindred spirit in a government agent who is exposed to their biotechnology." http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1136608/

igby goes down (02) "A young man's peculiar upbringing renders him unable to competently cope with the struggle of growing up." http://imdb.com/title/tt0280760/

doghouse (09) "A group of men head to a remote village to help one of their friends get over his divorce; when they get there, though, they discover that all the women have been infected with a virus that makes them man-hating cannibals." http://imdb.com/title/tt1023500/

infestation (09) "A slacker awakes to find himself weak and wrapped in a webbing; after realizing that the world has been taken over by giant alien insects, he wakes a ragtag group of strangers and together they fight for survival." http://imdb.com/title/tt1020543/

whatever works (09) "-naive Mississippi runaway Melodie to live in his apartment, his reclusive rages give way to an unlikely friendship and Boris begins to mold the impressionable young girl's worldly views to match his own." http://imdb.com/title/tt1178663

primer (04) "Four friends/fledgling entrepreneurs, knowing that there's something bigger and more innovative than the different error-checking devices they've built, wrestle over their new time-traveling inventions paradoxes." http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0390384/

humanitys end (09) "The last man in the universe is hunted down by a hybrid race known as the Nephilim." http://imdb.com/title/tt1249453/

big fish (03) "A story about a son trying to learn more about his dying father by reliving stories and myths his father told him about himself." http://imdb.com/title/tt0319061/

the skeptic (09) "A 30 something lawyer moves into his aunts large house after her death. Clever & Scary. " http://imdb.com/title/tt0493451/

and the ones highlighted in red are the movies that particularly r0x0red on my scale of roxor. so blog0rz of bluelight, can you suggest me some moar sir? oh and i just wanna throw in that i'm watching syfy's new stargate universe series, and i'm thoroughly enjoying that too. um num num num

Oct 23, 2009

chainsawr

C

Dying Hair

I really think I should start doing it professionally and not myself.

I baught this stuff that is supposed to turn Dark/Black hair to brown.....brown to lighter brown....and medium brown to a sany brown type colour.

Its looking more black-ish than anything....but I messed up and wasnt paying attention and i added the conditionar creme too....so nothing might happen at all.

I might have to go buy another box of dye. Gesh!

$12.99 for half assed job
$60.00 (i think) for professional

being broke..... $12.99 wins LOL

I might post a picture later for the lulz.

Oct 23, 2009

purplefirefly

Survey stolen from Sweet P :)

THE BASICS...

1. Name as it appears on your birth certificate? This is confidential information. hahaha

2. Nicknames? I have a few- friends call me *** and my husband calls me **z and sometimes he calls me Snuggle Snack or Baby
3. Number of candles that appeared on your last birthday cake? No cake....poor me.
4. Date of birth? !/25
5. Starsign? Aquarius sun-Libra Rising-Libra Moon
6. Pets? 2 kitties
7. Height? 5' 8"
8. Weight?I don't even wanna know- I keep getting bigger- but I have started exercising so if that scale goes up next Dr.'s visit I will scream
9. Eye colour? Hazel
10. Hair colour? Reddish brown but right now it is dyed dark brown with my red being defiant and showing through.
11. Piercing? All gone. I had my lip, nose and ears but took em all out.
12. Tattoos? 2 but my hubby recently said okay to another! YAY!!!!!
13. Birthplace? USA
14. Do you have a job? no
15. Do you have any lookalikes? nope.

HAVE YOU OR HAVEN'T YOU...

16. Been in love before? Yep
17. Been drunk? Oh yes. Immaliteweighttoo
18. Been so drunk you passed out? Certainly have.
19. Been involved in a car crash? Yes. A couple....
20. Had the drink Calypso Breeze? nope
21. Been toilet-papered? Nope
22. Tried Marijuana? hahahahahahahaha
23. Gone skinny-dipping? Yes!
24. Dyed your hair? Uh huh.
25. Been handcuffed? Hand cuffed- meaning with real handcuffs?? No.
26. Been convicted of a crime? Not yet...
27. Stolen anything from someone else? Yes
28. Stolen anything from a hotel room? yeah-
29. Voluntarily looked at pornography? Yes but find it more pathetic than anything- Makes me sad for the people doing it.
30. Started a rumour to hurt someone else? Probably

RANDOM QUESTIONS...

31. What was the name of your childhood blanket? "Blankie."
32. Which single store would you choose to go on a shopping spree in? Target?? Or if it was a total free for all Urban Outfitters or SEPHORA!
33. What do you do most often when you are bored? Read, crochet, try to be crafty, bake, get online......
34. What words or phrases do you overuse? I say seriously alot. I say like alot......huh? and what? are spoken often
35. Pet hates? Poop and vomit
36. Best things? things as in best material possessions or best thing in general - This is confusing.....um- my husband? my kitties, my house, astrology, my brother, um......my new boots

37. Bedtime? Varies
38. Most philosophical thought? hahahahhahummmm........ do spirits have rainy days? or is it always sunny? If it is rainy, do they have emotions about weather?
39. If you could have a starring role in any TV show, which would you choose? Um.....No clue.
40. If you had three wishes, what would they be? Children-Unlimited supply of money and good health and happiness
41. What's your worst nightmare? dont want to say
42. Your most hated school subject? uh- it was probably math.
43. Which is more important, sex, love or friendship? Love
44. What would be the first thing you would do to change the world? I'd erase Religion (not spirituality) and end all negativity.
45. Do you watch Big Brother? No.
46. What do you think of reality TV? Some of its funny
47. Which celeb would you most like to sleep with? my husband of course!
48. Are you a virgin? Yeah. Im a virgin.:D
49. How often do you surf the net? Too often.
50. What are four unusual facts about yourself that most people don't know? I don't know but I'd be open for questioning

Oct 23, 2009

ocean

over it (pretty much anyway)

Huuuuuuuuuuge thanks to OverDone and ocean. You guys are the best!

Oct 23, 2009

ocean

I cut back my martial priveleges to Mr. Prick this week

10/22/2009

Don’t really know what’s wrong with me, but then again, it could be I’ve done nothing and had no energy (cept for a bit after a do dad.) It shouldn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that probably a big part of the reason has 2 do with only purchasing and consuming half my usual supply this week. I did in fact stop completely for 2 and a half days. As usual, however, whenever I purposely decide to willingly part with the dope for whatever reason, I stop the chase, almost every bleeping time, the dope chases me, lol. Dope, however, is like my best friend, lover, and confidant, so when this happens, I find it hard to get angry with him/it, as it’s like a friend that has annoying tendencies that can get you into trouble, yet this friend is SOO vivacious, friendly, funny, and damn good company, in spite of the BS, you find it impossible to stay angry at said friend.

Besides the $$ issue, I’ve cut down because I want some of my old non using time back, cause when Mr. Prick and I are on a hiatus from one another, I’m free to spend that time with other actual PEOPLE, mainly Mom and occasionally family. I feel, miss, and am deeply lonely and sorry for what I’ve been missing past 3 months. Like, ok vacation time was FUN, but it’s over homegirl, come on let it go, give it a rest for a while. Remember, absence makes the heart grow fonder! My twin Tolerance (HA!) that annoying invisible twin that’s gotten many a complaint from varies junkies, is quite wise to me, so even when I stopped for 2 and ½ days, she still reached out and grabbed 50% of my high after my first reunion after 2 and ½ days with Mr. Prick. I’ve told Mr. Prick, “I DON’T remember inviting my twin Tolerance for a friggin 3 way!” “Yes, sorry love, she DOES get a bit pushy. Let’s fuck again my pet,” he says as always with an evil grin.

Of course, what else is new, lol. I know his every move, his every act or statement b4 he utters it aloud in my brain, yet he still manages to win 80% of the time. This only goads him on, as he sees me as merely a challenge to persue and conquer, especially when I was clean 27 months. I honestly believed on a conscience level, that I would never engage with the most intense, illicit, hot sex I’ve ever had, but on a deeper level, I still was divided. How can I honestly permanently give up the best thing in terms of pleasures of the flesh that this earth, this life has EVER offered me? Even though I didn’t want it to be true and trust me I REALLY tried to write, to love and appreciate, create artistically without him, but even my friggin editors flat out told me something was missing. Sigh. Why can’t I write with the same passion and color as b4? Do you have writer’s block?

Haha if only they knew. “Well, unfortunately yes I have. You see I quit putting needles aka Mr. Prick who ejaculated glorius methamphetamine with a dash of diacetalmorphine (say 7 times ever max) called fireballs or speedballs in So Cali, but mainly I’m missing my sister Crystal Joyce Moon Tarantino Hyde, aka Crystal or Crystal Hyde the bad, witty, hilarious, law breaker, my alter ego that appears after Mr. Prick and I satisfy our sinful desire of pleasures of the flesh, orgasms by chemicals if you please, plus bad ass Sis or Cous as I call her who under the right circumstances is a gift from heaven or demoness from hell causing chaos and wreckage everywhere we go. It feels like I’m an observer, but trapped, yet spellbound by her magic. Anyway, fuck me tender, I got to go. Sis and the painkillers got me goin as always only when I have 2 work, MFSOB CRAAAAAAP!

Oct 23, 2009

TJ5

C

Mytol....Gravol.......it' s a fucking OL name god damnit!

Walking into shoppers thinking Mytol.....but I truely needed Gravol..... fuck, where the hell was my brain earlier? LOL

Good thing I realized my stupidity before asking where to find the Mytol...lol

Though it took me a good 5 minutes to find the Gravol....

Gonna pop 2 around 1am just to be safe..... don't want to repeats tonight...... yeah that was fucking appealing......brelahhh! *heaving sounds* LOL NOT!

Finally got me a damned belt too, so I'm happy to be getting out without worrying that my pants are gonna end up around my ankles....though I am sure some people wouldn;t mind LOL

Yeah Yeah my ego, i know where to stuff it.....

I wonder..... what is so appealing about anal beads? its not like its a dildo or vibe.....

Yeah I'm just random like that shit..... LOL

Wish I had something to get high on.....dried up and all i got it smokes.....shit...... i dont dare take T's shit....he takes enough to kill a throughbred horse.....

Hmn. No not even gonna touch that one with a 10 foot pole....haha and has nothign at all to do with T just to get things clear here.... LOL

Gravol..... shit better work..... $5.85 name brand mofo...

I feel like going to missbehavn around xmas maybe just after.... see what toys i can buy.....

there I go being random again....... boredom can do that to me......

I wonder what my doc is gonna say when the fuck ever i can figure out when my appointment it, they aint answerign their phones today....mofos!

Probably friday or monday.....it had a 2 in it and it was in the morning is all i recall LOL....yeah Im awful *shrugs*

Im bored.... *pouts* I only slept 2hrs tonight.... should be enough but I'll probably still be tired ...LOL Im such a wuss haha eh well....

FUN TIMES!

.....

boredom and sober.... not very fun....

Oct 23, 2009

crevan

C

First blog.

Don't really know what people write about in these things , or if anyone even cares at all about what im going to write, but fuck it. Im sitting at home bored as hell, and trying to make the most out of my last roxy. (which im rarely feeling since ive been taking them almost everyday for a good couple weeks) .. "sigh" anyways, I wouldn't say that i am a "newbie" to opiates, knowing ive been tkaing them now for quite awhile .. almost every day or every few days for a good month or 2. But before that, I was horribly addicted to cocaine, started that shit when i was 16. (i am 21 now) and im doing alot better. Last time i did powder was a good couple weeks ago but i only did about 2 lines w/ a friend and thank god i had 2 roxys afterwards for my comedown or else i would of been right back to where i started. I know most people don't believe that when you;re young , weed is a gateway drug, but i honestly believe it is. Back in the days when i was a young teen, that was all i did until i got introduced to cocaine. Didn't think bad of it, just nver really thought about it at all, never crossed my mind .Always told myself id never smoke crack though, but eventually cocaine gets old and then it leads to smokin rock and that was def something im glad to be out of. Tried it once a couple yrs ago, then stopped. Did it again a few other times, stopped. Then in early August went on a week binge and smoked it all day/all night with no sleep for a good 8 days. Wow. What a trip that was...... good times though i can say, but luckily i was blessed because tons of other BS happened during that week which almost had me locked up for a minimum of 5 years. So i thank god everyday i got another chance. So, with the whole pill thing... i never thought id ever have a problem with that either. I would take bars here and there... once in awhile if a couple of friends had them. But nothing serious... not really all into that. But the first time i ever did an oxycontin , was snorting an 80 all in one shot (which i know i was completely stupid) .. i was skeeted for a good week , then just did that. Oh man.. the feeling i got from that was just awesome. I was never all into the "downers'.. it was always the uppers i was interested in. But besides almost ODing and having my eyes rolling to the back of my head and me not being able to speak and puking all night , i had a great time on it hehe. But anywho... i love oxys. They're just so damn expensive and i sure as hell cannot afford them

But roxys are just the same. Still expensive, but i think as of right now they';re my fav. I just love the relaxation, and the stress free hour or 2 i have from taking it. Its like heaven... I love snorting them, but i think all of it might not be getting through to my bloodstream, sometimes i cant even feel it going up my nose. EVENTUALLY, if i keep sniffing hard enough , ill feel alil bit of a drip and i love it. So im thnking from now on i might just start swallowing them ... at least until my nose isn;t so stuffed up. But i know im just rambling on and on, but hey its a blog.. and i thought id make one and see if i get any comments or can chat w/ some cool people and get some advice and what not . But anywho, to the people who actually read this, thanks ! hehe

Oct 23, 2009

GetCrunk918

color

i am rather picky about what i use for certain things...

i use dark blue typeface when chatting online
when writing in pen, i will only use fine tip black pens
taking notes is done in pencil with .05mm tip
my jackets are all black or charcoal
there are more things that i can't think of...

Oct 23, 2009

OverDone

crazy weird dream tiem

my mom was extremely angry with and called some cops to come pick me up and told them i had pot in my room. instead of searching my room they took me to this place. before that, i went rummaging through my room removing all paraphernalia thinking they would ransack everything. suddenly all the bowls and bongs i had ever owned were in my room and i had no where to put them. plus three different sized bags of pot. so i decided to put everything in my underwear except for the bongs which i threw out the window. arriving at this place they took me into a sort of lobby where i sat. people started coming in sitting around me. one guy to my left stared at me and made faces as if he couldnt believe he was seeing me. like, "holy crap i cant believe it's you" face. to my right another guy sat down with bleached hair that didnt match his skin tone at all. they both looked familiar but i had no clue. i still had all these things in my underwear so i wasnt about to get up. but i did tell them i knew them but didnt know from where.
by the time i was suppose to be taking a drug test i went back to the bathroom with four other girls and before the lady came in with the cups and such this girl gave each of us a blue tablet. it dissolved quickly on my tongue and tasted like chewy sweetarts. apparently it helped and i passed the test. i had left bowls everywhere though. on my chair where i was sitting, on a nearby table, even in the bathroom and i had dropped two bags of pot while signing my name to get out of the place. the lady took it and gave me a mean look.

Oct 23, 2009

slushy muddy water

you're nothing, no one

I feel so low it's not even funny. This is not meant to be a pity party. It's simply how I see things.

I have no family. The only fucking family I had that I cared about was gma, and she died 2 years ago. My mom is a useless piece of shit who I don't talk to. My dad and I never met and wants nothing to do with me. I am alone. Sure my ex and me are best friends. We help eachother out. She's about the only person I have who gives a flying fuck about me and who I even care about. I love her to death.

But what is the point of it all if there's no point in living? I don't take risks. I don't have fun. I don't even know what I enjoy. I go out and think ok, I'm supposed to have fun. These fucking kids in high school, they go out to friends houses, they go to movies, they hang around the mall. But I'm never satisfied, I'm always empty. I always want some deep meaningful thing to happen. Otherwise I'm depressed and bored. Or maybe I'm missing everything. I don't know. Everything feels empty. Everything is nothing. Fuck this. I'm sick of watching what I say and do, for fear I'll fuck up my life. I'm sick of going out in public, or even talking to friends and seeing nothing but betrayal in their eyes, misunderstanding, hatred, and I get scared. The only person who I'm close enough to to trust is my ex. She feels the same. But she has a kid to live for. I don't. I don't have a reason. She used to be my reason but we're not together now and I dont know what I mean to her, she says she loves me to death but even being around her is empty now. I don't know what's wrong with me. Never make friends with strangers. Never fall in love cause it only hurts inthe end. Never live. Just die. The end. I am sick of feeling so alone. I'm looking to move out of this house with my housemates and getting my own place. But nothing makes me happy anymore. It's the same old shit, same old town, get up, go to work. Same old food. Same old tasteof tobacco in my mouth. Same old feeling of imminent doom all around. I'm sick of being scared of everyone and everything. I'm sick of living. It gets old. I'm sick of losing everyone and everything that means anything to me. I don't want to be alive.

Oct 22, 2009

zombiesarepeaceful

A silly random survey

THE BASICS...

1. Name as it appears on your birth certificate? That would be telling.
2. Nicknames? Sweet P, Babe, Hottie, Scatterbrain, Crackhead... I have a few.
3. Number of candles that appeared on your last birthday cake? I didn't get a cake.

4. Date of birth? A certain day of a certain month, 1985.
5. Starsign? Aquarius
6. Pets? One cat and a bunch of stuffed toy animals.
7. Height? 5' 8" ish
8. Weight? Around 48 kgs (or 105 lbs). Very skinny indeed.
9. Eye colour? Hazel
10. Hair colour? Red (dyed red, not ginger!)
11. Piercing? Ears
12. Tattoos? One day
13. Birthplace? Wellington, NZ.
14. Do you have a job? For the purposes of my benefit payments, no.

15. Do you have any lookalikes? I pity the fool!

HAVE YOU OR HAVEN'T YOU...

16. Been in love before? Yep
17. Been drunk? Oh yes. One or two beers is usually enough to get me drunk.
18. Been so drunk you passed out? Certainly have.
19. Been involved in a car crash? Yes. It was my fault, I must confess.
20. Had the drink Calypso Breeze? What the hell is that?
21. Been toilet-papered? Nope, just stabbed with a knife.
22. Tried Marijuana? Sure have!
23. Gone skinny-dipping? Yes!
24. Dyed your hair? I always dye my hair.
25. Been handcuffed? Yes, but not by the cops.

26. Been convicted of a crime? Not yet...
27. Stolen anything from someone else? Yes
28. Stolen anything from a hotel room? I think I've stolen drinks from the mini bar.
29. Voluntarily looked at pornography? Yes. Yes I have.
30. Started a rumour to hurt someone else? Don't think so. I'm too nice for that.

RANDOM QUESTIONS...

31. What was the name of your childhood blanket? "Blankie."
32. Which single store would you choose to go on a shopping spree in? Does a drug house count as a store?
33. What do you do most often when you are bored? Nothing. Literally nothing.
34. What words or phrases do you overuse? I try to use all words and phrases in moderation.
35. Pet hates? Don't get me started!
36. Best things? Drugs, music, computer.
37. Bedtime? When I get tired and/or run out of meth.
38. Most philosophical thought? Can God microwave a burrito so hot that even He could not touch it?
39. If you could have a starring role in any TV show, which would you choose? Cops, ha.
40. If you had three wishes, what would they be? True love, an end to my mental problems, and a big fat pile of cash.
41. What's your worst nightmare? I was writing answers to an endless survey on the net... oh wait.
42. Your most hated school subject? Gym
43. Which is more important, sex, love or friendship? Love
44. What would be the first thing you would do to change the world? I'd end stupidity.
45. Do you watch Big Brother? No. Big Brother watches me.
46. What do you think of reality TV? I'd rather stick my head in an oven.
47. Which celeb would you most like to sleep with? Decisions, decisions...
48. Are you a virgin? Absolutely not.
49. How often do you surf the net? Too often.
50. What are four unusual facts about yourself that most people don't know? None. I'm so open, it's scary. :D

Oct 22, 2009

Sweet P