I had an awful day today due to a minor event.
I overslept.
"HOLY SHIT!!!!" I hear you cry.
I was supposed to be at work at 9 and woke up at 1.
It's hardly surprising -- I hadn't slept for a few days (I'm wracking my brain to remember exactly when, but can't...). This isn't the first time this has happened, either
I went absolutely apeshit - I was so angry with myself.
I leapt out of bed screaming "fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck", crashed through to the living room punching the walls on my way, threw some stuff around (most notably a chair).
Not sure when I started crying, but definitely was sobbing inconsolably for most of the throwing. Bashed myself over the head with some objects, got a knife and cut myself (purely self harm, not suicidal).
All I could think was "stupid useless worthhless freak bitch".
Out comes the meph. I chucked a few grams on the table, separated an amount, grabbed a straw and got stuck in. Didn't even bother crushing the crystals out or making a line.
I guess it was a combination of hurting myself and wanting to feel better. It mostly did the trick.... I wasn't miserable for the rest of the day, but anxiety level is through the roof. It's like I'm fiending really badly all the time... even when I've just had some.
Things are ok with work. I sent my boss an email (I'm scared of phones).... I thought of some excuses, but in the end decided to be honest. Too honest - I didn't mention drugs, but I did say that I was "barely coping with life".
He was really nice about it. Much nicer than I deserve. He's on holiday for the rest of the week, but he said he'll talk to me about it next week.
So I have a few days to think about what I'm going to say.. and I guess I have to be sober on Monday -- on meph I'd suddenly decide THE TRUTH is a good idea.
My boss let me work from home that afternoon.... that, and the rest of the day, has just been continually rising stress levels, and bigger and bigger redoses for the very temporary relief.
I managed to get a hold of myself in the end, and reminded myself that meph is (now, not when I first started) hugely influenced by frame of mind. So I concentrating on stabilising that, relaxing, taking deep breaths etc etc, and to a large extent it has worked
Crap day though.
I overslept.
"HOLY SHIT!!!!" I hear you cry.
I was supposed to be at work at 9 and woke up at 1.
It's hardly surprising -- I hadn't slept for a few days (I'm wracking my brain to remember exactly when, but can't...). This isn't the first time this has happened, either
I went absolutely apeshit - I was so angry with myself.
I leapt out of bed screaming "fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck", crashed through to the living room punching the walls on my way, threw some stuff around (most notably a chair).
Not sure when I started crying, but definitely was sobbing inconsolably for most of the throwing. Bashed myself over the head with some objects, got a knife and cut myself (purely self harm, not suicidal).
All I could think was "stupid useless worthhless freak bitch".
Out comes the meph. I chucked a few grams on the table, separated an amount, grabbed a straw and got stuck in. Didn't even bother crushing the crystals out or making a line.
I guess it was a combination of hurting myself and wanting to feel better. It mostly did the trick.... I wasn't miserable for the rest of the day, but anxiety level is through the roof. It's like I'm fiending really badly all the time... even when I've just had some.
Things are ok with work. I sent my boss an email (I'm scared of phones).... I thought of some excuses, but in the end decided to be honest. Too honest - I didn't mention drugs, but I did say that I was "barely coping with life".
He was really nice about it. Much nicer than I deserve. He's on holiday for the rest of the week, but he said he'll talk to me about it next week.
So I have a few days to think about what I'm going to say.. and I guess I have to be sober on Monday -- on meph I'd suddenly decide THE TRUTH is a good idea.
My boss let me work from home that afternoon.... that, and the rest of the day, has just been continually rising stress levels, and bigger and bigger redoses for the very temporary relief.
I managed to get a hold of myself in the end, and reminded myself that meph is (now, not when I first started) hugely influenced by frame of mind. So I concentrating on stabilising that, relaxing, taking deep breaths etc etc, and to a large extent it has worked
Crap day though.