Blogs

Inspired by "Taking Drugs" I am going to dedicate my blog to paraphernalia photography and documentation.

The source of all photos will remain unknown.
If you would like for me to post your photo, contact me via PM and I will give you an e-mail address to send your photo to. All submissions MUST include what is in the photo or I will not post it. You can also feel free to include a quote or tag line with your photo.

-Shoolameet-

firstly, i call my methadone doctor 'Dr Done'
i think the auckland methadone services r pretty fucked really - serving all the ex-junkies in the auckland region (a pretty big region - like a third of NZ....at least 1 million ppl!) - yet they only hav one clinic....and 2 doctors

one doctor i refuse to see cos hes....an asshole (he knew me from my multiple trips to detox - and yes those methadone doctors also manage all the detox clients!)
that one just said to me oneday 'Lydia, ur the most complicated case ive ever had to deal with'
i replied 'then dont deal with me' - and i laid a complaint (i tend to do a lot of that wen it comes to the public health system )
he also told me that i wudnt b able to hav serum level tests done (to find out if im a fast metaboliser - i suspected i was, cos no matter wat dose i went up to, it never held me thru to the morning!) until i reached 170mg!

my new doctor ('Dr Done' - not quite so bad, quite gentle; still makes it well-known he knows im playing around with other drugs and i 'shudnt b mixing this and that with methadone'.....oh and he thinks im 'neurotic'...which i guess i am to b fair) told me this was complete and utter bullshit - that u cud hav serum levels checked at any level.....i was like 'ur kidding! u mean i didnt possibly hav to go thru all this BS and cud hav had all this done ages ago?' and he was like 'yea basically'
i was on 150mg wen i finally got the forms off him, one blood test to take in the morning before i had my methadone, one to take 4 hrs afterwards (the general 'peak' of most ppls methadone levels)

i dreaded taking the morning one.....i am used to waking sick: aching all over, stiff, shaky, runny nose, watery eyes, sneezing and yawning (oh and very irritable - i cudnt even b bothered brushing my hair wen i went to dose i felt so yuk)....so having a blood test, waiting in a room full of ppl while i was sweating like a pig and sneezing and sniffing, well that was not fun!
the later one wasnt fun either cos i get so little sleep from (what ive found out r methadone wds!) that usually i spend hours sleeping in the afternoon
yet another reason i had to give in my job as mod in the end!

well wen Dr Done got the results i got rung immediately by my case manager saying 'oh the doctor has some interesting results for u' (this is back in maybe august.....)
i asked her if the tests had revealed if i was a fast metaboliser and she said she cudnt disclose that info
i asked if she knew and she said that, yes she did, but she still cudnt discuss it with me 8(

well cos theres only those 2 fucking doctors covering all the methadone clients in the auckland region (plus all the detox clients which come pretty frequently) there wasnt a place for me to see Dr Done till NO-fucking-VEMBER!
gotta luv the NZ public health service eh

finally couple of days ago i went to see the guy (taking Keira with me for support) and he is actually a nice guy, commenting that i seem a lot better for having found someone (actually i was partly calmed by wat he had to tell me!!!)
he told me that my results showed a minimal amount of methadone in my system even 4 hrs after dosing.....and before dosing there was nothing in my system
by then i was taking 167.5mg daily!
he said that i was the fastest metaboliser hed ever come across

instead of splitting my doses into morning/night, hes just plain added another 20mg at night time and i am still allowed to climb higher up the scale another 30mg in the morning before he has to reapprove and rewrite another script

i sometimes feel a bit self-conscious cos i know im one of the ppl at the clinic on the highest doses - and shit, i will never fully stabilise until im fully off valium
im down to 24mg of valium tonight and planning to put my done up by 5mg next week wen i go away to the hunting lodge with my mum and my darling Keira

however, shit happens - and i know ive gotta get off 'done someday (after ive got off valium - and yes, i will b way into the 200s by then.....it WONT b easy!)
Keira and i call each other 'troopers' - hailing from the Iron Maiden song
cos wen were waiting for the next attack, ud better stand, theres no turning back!

now im taking methadone at night as well, im a diffrent person
i wake with only valium wds
no more gooseflesh, hot/cold flushes, runny nose/eyes, runs for the toilet, etc

apparently ppl with ADHD often do hav fast metabolisms
i was told by another 'done patient thats probly wat it is - my friend Tanea
thanks Tanz, now im well - to a degree (and even to a degree means a lot to me )

My health hasn't been the best lately (actually, that's a major understatement), but today it seems to have taken a sudden nose dive - I've got heartburn, diarrhoea, nausea, vomiting, and lately I've also been losing more weight and having periods of memory loss. I'm 99% sure it's related to the zopiclone I've been taking... 80-110mg every night for the past two or three months! After doing some research on the net I've only just learned that this dose is far too high and "potentially toxic". Apparently the recommended dose to treat insomnia is a mere 7.5-15mg a night for no longer than two weeks!

Why the fuck didn't my doctor tell me this when he prescribed it to me, and why the fuck has he continued giving it to me? I admit, I have been exceeding the prescribed dose because of the tolerance, but until now I assumed that zopiclone was similar to benzos (which I'm also taking), and it was natural for the dose to continue increasing over time. I had no idea I was putting my health at risk, nor did I know that zopiclone has a maximum recommended dose (15mg) - and anything exceeding that could lead to health problems with regular use. No wonder I've been feeling so damn sick lately! My liver already isn't in good shape, and now this has probably made things a whole lot worse. I'm gonna book an urgent appointment with my doctor, find a way to get off the zopiclone, and get some bloodwork done. I'm scared, and I'm pissed off.

Yesterday I arrived back home after a spending a week with Lydia at her cousin's farm in the middle of nowhere. It was a nice break. When you're a city girl like me, you forget how relaxing and peaceful the world can be when you're away from civilisation!

We both had a great time... it was only a brief five day holiday, but I think we both needed it.

stuff a gerbil up your ass with a tube...... haha

see this blood on my sleeve...it means im a time traveler, got a full power imagination to take me anywhere i could ever want to go, just say the word connect the dots cock the trigger release the shot, become something that u are not...
these lines on my arms is the map of my life, small trails of shiny white scars scratched over the crook of my arm, down the front, stretchin out over the skin, twistin like route 80, all the places i been.
i go where they aint gone before, walk out, fearless ,
swagger towards the future, mental kevlar never no stress got my eyes on the prize n no break in my step
i can be anything, live a new different life in the blink of my eye, watchin thru pinpoints i try on a new style a new ride a new way to be,
i see you but you dont see me
I am everything you think you know and really dont
i am everything you wish that you could do but you know you wont...
cigarette burns and broken knuckle cuts, bloody fist blistered wrist, a scab obtained in nodded bliss
a token from the other world, i close my eyes and touch the scar and travel back within my mind a souvenier i brought back home here, from another place and time.
all the words in the world cant touch my mind, your angry talk will never reach .... I am a force, a voice, more than just a body and a head piece,
diesel powered 12-liter heart wont stop, you got wat you got
but i got mine....
can you travel thru time?
can you get off a bus, early mornin steam from the vents, take a look around the city and say 'this is mine'?
can you go somewhere you afraid to see and face it with your eyes open?
can you feel the releif of giving up hope?
can you trace the track of your life by the marks on your skin, do you know wat you stand for?
can you break every thought you ever held turn it out and re learn wat its all about?
have you ever lived, flew higher, shined brighter than a thousand blue and red lights flashing reflected thru the night?
do you know wat its like,
to get ready to fly, take that
big
fat
shot
and.................



----------------------------------

A feen sits nodded out in a parked car across the street , body draped over the seat, shoulders slumped head bowed lost in a dream.

This monster, I truly don't wish to wake him. Lately, he's been only half-asleep so I move quietly so as not to get him started.

Sometimes I find myself poking him. This is a dangerously stupid thing for me to do. But I can't help it.

If he wakes up, he will take control of everything and who knows when he'll sleep again.

I know he wishes me to have nothing but him and is quite skilled at eliminating everything I care for in life. There is no room for my monster and anything else. He demands everything.

I poke and poke and poke knowing full well that he will eventually poke back at me. His pokes often come in the form of metal.

I poke him, he pokes me, metal pokes my veins.

Please stay sleeping.

i figure i will post a few hungarian recipes i enjoy along with pictures. i may have posted some of these in the recipes threads, i am not sure.

turos csusz (cottage cheese noodles)



you mix thin noodles, dry cottage cheese (the curds), bacon and little sour cream. its a yummy side dish.

csirke paprikás (chicken paprikash)



1. lightly season the chicken with salf, pepper and hungarian paprika. cover the chicken with chopped onions and roast in the oven at 400F.
2. when chicken is done, mix sour cream in with the left over juice and onions to make the sauce.
3. serve with noodles or nokedli

nokedli (dumplings)



3 eggs
1/2 c water
21/2 c flour
2t salt

beat until smooth drop by teaspoon into boiling water cook about 10 minutes drain

marhapörkölt (beef goulash)



ingredients (for 4 persons)

* 600 g beef sheen or shoulder, or any tender part of the beef cut into 2x2 cm cubes
* 2 tablespoons oil or lard
* 2 medium onions, chopped
* 2 cloves of garlic
* 1-2 carrots, diced
* 1 parsnip, diced
* 1-2 cellery leafes
* 2 medium tomatoes, peeled and chopped, or 1 tbs. tomato paste
* 2 fresh green peppers
* 2-3 medium potatoes, sliced
* 1 tablespoon Hungarian paprika powder
* 1 teaspoon ground caraway seed
* 1 bayleaf
* ground black pepper and salt according to taste
* water

# Heat up the oil or lard in a pot and braise the chopped onions in it until they get a nice golden brown colour.

# Sprinkle the braised onions with paprika powder while strirring them to prevent the paprika from burning.

# Add the beef cubes and and sauté them till they turn white and get a bit of brownish colour as well.

# The meat will probably let out its own juice, let the beef-cubes simmer in it while adding the grated or crushed and chopped garlic (grated garlic has stronger flavour), the ground caraway seed, some salt and ground black pepper, the bayleaf, pour water enough to cover the content of the pan and let it simmer on low heat for a while.

# When the meat is half-cooked (approx. in 1,5 hour, but it can take longer depending on the type and quality of the beef) add the diced carrots, parsnip and the potatoes, the cellery leaf and some more salt if necessary (vegetables tend to call for more salt). You'll probably have to add some more (2-3 cups) water too.

# When the vegetables and the meat are almost done add the tomatoe cubes and the sliced green peppers. Let it cook on low heat for another few minutes. You can remove the lid of the pan if you want the soup to thicken.

#serve with nokedli

I've been in the mud for a while now. I don't really know when I'm winning, or if I'm out of control. I've been riding it the best I can. I don't want to let it buck me.

It's a different world now. I can't pick up and move on. I've set my anchors. There is no going back. All of my options are things I've never known.

I've still got a good set of cards. Chance has always been good to me. I just don't have the option to walk. I've got to make what I've got work.

I need shelter from the storm. I hadn't noticed it before. Now it overwhelms me. I haven't been making the best decisions. I know less than I thought.

-Jesus loves you, the rest of us think you’re an asshole.

Food/Recipes!


I know you guys have some excellent food ideas, recipes or secrets-


Share them here!

I think I've discovered why it is that after two days off I'm tired as shit for like 5 days after that all I can do right when I get home is sleep and of course it's drug related. Typically, I use on my days off and the first two or three days at work I'll shoot up before going in...I've thought about taking a shot with me but am too scared of the risks involved with taking heroin to work.

I think that after all that using though my body is just burned out, not to mention nodding out isn't the same as getting some real good solid sleep. Which if you think about it, when I'm using dope most of the time I nod off instead of sleep and that goes from the moment I get my dope till I do my last shot because when I use heroin...I use it consistently till it's gone. I am only awake now because I couldn't sleep and woke up, but by the time I got back to bed I was already wide awake and figured I'd stay up because I haven't been awake past 8pm for the past week.

This gives me time to finally update a little too with what's been going on in my personal life. Olive left back to South Dakota on wed, I saw her for the last time that tue [nov, 10 2009] . It was great seeing her, and even with her being a junkie friend I still helped her out by giving her 10 suboxone to help with her kick. But I do wish her the best and hope she does get clean, I myself am in that battle of sobriety and know how hard it is. But I have faith she can do it, even if i can't...yet. When we kicked for that last time, it really made me realize how much I'm going to miss this girl. She was part of my life change over the past year. I forgot to get farmboy's information so I could visit him in jail, but she gave me a number I could contact her at which I will do soon here because I really do want to see Farmer too. I have enough love for the boy to visit him in jail and I want him to know that.

That last night I saw Olive too she hooked me up with one of her dealers too for the suboxone (which she didn't have to, I have ways to get heroin if I really want it but it still was nice of her to hook me up like that so I don't have to go through bullshit to get dope). With my luck anyway, this guy will go to jail soon, seems like all the dealers I get that have direct numbers already end up getting arrested shortly after I get their info.

Other then that, at work my general manager talked to me because the number of phone calls I've been taking have reduced a lot since I started working my new shift, which I thought might have been because I was too fucked up at times. But after today being completely sober and tallying up all the orders I took, I took around 40 calls. Which is about what she was considering "low" because when I worked the 8-5 shift I had around 60+ calls. I'm going to tell her I think it's the hours I work, because I come in at 11am, I miss the morning rush and only catch the evening rush around 3-5pm then it's pretty slow after that so I don't get a lot of phone entry calls.

I just hope I don't lose my job, I'm going to try as hard as I can to get those high numbers, but if they aren't high enough I'm going to bring it to her attention that it has nothing to do with my performance, but rather the shift I am working.

Didn't sleep at all last night! NOT ONE SECOND. this more intense insomnia then usual is being brought about i believe due to the Bupenorphine, I believe i may have taken too much yesterday and thats why i had such a bad case. Plus I did like 2mgs around 8pm - but damn wtf seriously is wrong with §uboxone.. It gives me worse insomnia then stimulants!!! FUCKIN BULLSHIT!

I been snorting heroin for probably 2 and a half maybe 3 years. I quit before for like a month and got right back on it. All my friends starting doing it and got hooked. Now were all trying to quit its been to long and were wasting all our money and i dont even do anything else i cant concentrate on school or anything. and on top of that i gpot my own place in newark cuza skool. Which is pretty back cuz i got like 10 dealers like in a mile radius. I just recently try to quit with one of my friends i got throught the WD part i hurt for about 5 days. And now i was chilling with my other friends who didnt quit and they didnt let me get it. But i got so tempted i went and got it and did it. My other friend didnt do it and is still good. Now me and my other friends are tryign to stop again. I need some help i took suboxon for 3 days and was still hurting alot after. I dont no how i can live life without it its all we did everyday il pick up do like 35 -40 bags a night i did the most out of everyone. everyone else probnably got to 15 the highest but not everyday. I really need some advice from people who got off it and are still clean. How do you live you life when your off it it seems there nothing else to do

it sucks ass being far away from people you care about

Impunity of a personal kind

forte of a fortnight

in which startling things
cross barron amongst ill feeling
-------------

Personality dependent on catecholamines
stimulation of a sort

a defective attention

impairs my recollection
a box shaken of glass

broken inside those folds of synapse

------------

The more I read
I realize, how little I know
-----------

In time, we find a new synthesis

funny how the sympathetic nervous system is so unsympathetic

----------

Starved myself
hungry for collectiveness

pitty my own misjudgment
and curse my hope to remedy.

Maybe it's just because of the weather, being alone in the house or that i'm outa smokes. But i'm having a hell of a time not calling back the old friends I know that wanna go to the city and not picking up my razor.
I know I should be calling people in NA but they are the last people I wanna talk to right now, not because I don't think they won't understand I'm just not in the mood to hear it right now.
My mind set is I wanna do what I wanna do and fuck it.
Granted I'm not gonna follow through, not right now at least. But the damn the thoughts are there.

Monday one of my best online friends who I've known for 4yrs from various sites (not this one though) committed suicide with his girlfriend.

Tuesday Morning a close school friend died of H1N1 or complications of Phnemonia, not sure and will not know because her religion (or maybe just her family) is against desecrating the body. 2hrs earlier her baby grandson died of H1N1.

Tuesday aftrenoon my bestfriend's mom died. They're not sure if it was H1N1, her heart (she was obese), or her lung (she had lung issues).

My son's father i found out the other day has fluid build up oon his lung, which we expected to come but might mean sugery to close the loonie size hole which has a 35% mortality rate. If they just remove the fluid he'll be in the hospital for 1-2 weeks, they also have to make sure the TB isn't back. If it's surgery, probably up to 2 months.

I'm getting closer to my 20th anniversary of remission of epilepsy which scares me and excites me. My mom's came back at 50 yrs old, after 45yrs of remission, her's were always worse than mine. I am a nocturnal epileptic and more times then not I got petite-mal. Only have had 2 grand-mal seizures in my life and I was 4yrs old and was startled into it.

So I guess there is one good thing amongst this shit of this week.

I'm still depressed and fucked up a little. Such is life I guess.

My chest still aches and not cause of my bronchitis..... because the lack of comfort in my pain hurts. A comfort of a friend, of a loved one....of someone you love. Always makes the heart at ease, even if just for a little while.

It Is True.

so, accordingly, i am keeping a running tab of how many times I use recreational drugs in the year 2009. for this, if I, for instance, use cocaine and dope on the same day, this still counts as one use day. basically, when I use a recreational drug during a day, no matter the quantity, I'll count that day as using.

so far I've got 16 use days since January 1, 2009.

one month I used four times. two months I didn't use at all.

16 / 9 (months so far) = little less than two per month.

At the end of this year, I will post a use total, mostly for my own bookkeeping purposes. But, in conclusion, at least this far, I am very glad at my number. I attribute a great deal of my success in not getting roped into an ongoing habit on my prescription of Subutex. It's been a godsend for me. I cannot imagine my life without Subutex---it means that much to me. Yea I plug it almost everyday to catch a little buzz, but who gives a shit, I'm only human. The drug has successfully done what it is marketed for: it's allowed me to lead a normal lifestyle without constantly wanting that next fix.

I am so happy with these numbers. So far, with Subutex, and with my parental/rehab safety net in place, I have been able to chip right along. A word on chipping: it, for me, really is the way to go. One cannot win over heroin, you cannot continue to achieve great kickass highs if you continue to use. Tolerance is the bitch on every junkie's back. Using approximately once every two weeks has afforded me enough great hits to leave me perfectly content---and I'm only happier knowing that I am using heroin/oxycodone in the best possible way: occasionally. Word up to that. I, for one, never thought that was possible.

I have been on a roller coaster this last year and a half- 2 years.
Somedays I wonder when I will catch my breath.
One thing after another......
I have alot going on in my home life- and I am STILL struggling to come to grips with the parental issues I am still carrying around at 28.
I had dreams about it last night even.
It is annoying that I continue to work on letting go of the hurt I feel by my father and the constant twisty tied relationship I have with my mother.
I can't help but feel I have to take care of her, right now, emotionally. I feel like I became the adult and she became the child many many years ago......
My father has no idea. He has no idea who I am and really doesn't bother to try or have any desire to......He just thinks the worst and then sets in his mind that I am that.
My friend said to me she heard a quote that adulthood was just years of trying to get over your childhood...... I find this amusing and true for me.

So- I talk so much about letting go of anger- and have for many reasons......but I realized I am still harboring anger at my parents.
My mother had called (this was a week ago) and I cut the talk short b/c I was in pain and just not in the mood. I hang up and a little while later tell my friend (who lives here now -another big long story) that I have a bad feeling something is going to happen when my parents go skiing the next day and I felt like I should call my mother back and just let her know I love her.......I didn't.
The next day comes, my parents went skiing, and I had a bad feeling all day- I ignored it b/c quite honestly I thought something might be wrong with my father and I wasn't sure how I'd deal with it......The following morning I wake up come downstairs and my friend says "Ummmmm- Your dad called?!?!" And I was like " Oh shit. He doesn't call me. something IS wrong" I made my coffee and my friend was like 'sit here, we will call together" (My friend and I grew up together- she lived with my parents and I and she knows my dad and his issues with me very well) - Anyway- My mother answers the phone and she sounds awful- I ask her what happened and she says a man plowed into her skiiing and broke her hip and she had surgery and 2 blood transfusions and all this.......
Well then I ask to speak to my father (this is the first time I have spoken to him since our falling out over the summer) and we're talking fine- Im asking questions and he has this very caring tone- Then I say "Well, Thanks for calling and letting me know" - And he bit my head off. He said"I WASN'T GOING TO CALL YOU AND YOU CALL EVERYONE AND GET EVERYONE WORRIED AND UPSET WHEN WE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON! BLAH BLAH BLAH"
It wasn't until this point that I realized it wasn't my dad calling- it was my mother, from my dad's phone. So when my friend saw missed call from Dad, it wasn't really. I didn't waste my breath and was just like 'ok ok, well talk to you later-bye" I just wish he wouldn't assume I am being a smart ass- but I guess, it really doesn't matter. I have given up all hope he will ever understand me or know me......he couldn't without me having to tell him that the majority of the life he thought he was living was a lie......I'd rather him live out the rest of his life believing I am some asshole than know the truth, which would hurt him deeply......
I'm tired of feeling like some misunderstood kid though hahahahahaha
And I need to let go of the anger.......I should have picked up that phone when I knew something was wrong.
Needed to get it out there. If you read all this boring nonsense, Thanks.

i can't believe i have been posting here as a_c for 7 years. its crazy to think how much has changed since i registered here as a junior in college. or from when i first stumbled across the site looking for information before my first time rolling in 2000. its been a crazy time but i am glad i've stuck around

I slept all day after I watched the Rememberance Day Ceramony on TV.

Nothing much has changed since my last post.

In your arms, safe, where I feel the best, at home, is where I want to be right now. Another day I have to wait, I hope I don't face denial yet again.

I ache, I ache for comfort.

Your arms, your scent all around me. Comforts me so much.

Emo yes but fuck it, I don't care.

Yeah, so things haven't really gone according to plan. EI is being a dick and are like "well, we need a medical." Which in this day and age I can forgive them for.

Just its a pain to get to my Family doctor (an hour away) with no car and no money for something that may or may not happen.

I'm going to sell some stuff to make ends meet. Try to look for a job. I got no where else to go. Welfare ain't going to cut it.

Starting to think about doing rotating shift work again just to pay the bills. Which equals death, pretty much. That'd be a do or die situation.

----------------

I dunno the Addiction Services RN was really awesome. But, at this point do I really have the time for it? She made a point that I'm not really able to work right now. But, again how can I afford not to? I don't even know what I'm doing.

I guess it was good in the sense that I now know that I quit my job because of my addiction.

Oh well. At least I don't have the flu.

i am so nostalgic foe my past right now it's killing me.....i have no energy fer nothing......i just sit and think and stare and smoke...im so fucked right now

I need you to engulf me in your arms tonight D. I am a wreck and need you. You are busy though, so i will leave you be. I lost another loved one, I wish you were here to hold me.

I cant eat, cant sleep, cant do much but sit here and wonder if Im next? Who else will I lose?

I can't stand crying, so not me, such a weakness in my books. Yet here I am.

My chest hurts so bad.