Blogs

Impunity of a personal kind

forte of a fortnight

in which startling things
cross barron amongst ill feeling
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Personality dependent on catecholamines
stimulation of a sort

a defective attention

impairs my recollection
a box shaken of glass

broken inside those folds of synapse

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The more I read
I realize, how little I know
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In time, we find a new synthesis

funny how the sympathetic nervous system is so unsympathetic

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Starved myself
hungry for collectiveness

pitty my own misjudgment
and curse my hope to remedy.

Maybe it's just because of the weather, being alone in the house or that i'm outa smokes. But i'm having a hell of a time not calling back the old friends I know that wanna go to the city and not picking up my razor.
I know I should be calling people in NA but they are the last people I wanna talk to right now, not because I don't think they won't understand I'm just not in the mood to hear it right now.
My mind set is I wanna do what I wanna do and fuck it.
Granted I'm not gonna follow through, not right now at least. But the damn the thoughts are there.

Monday one of my best online friends who I've known for 4yrs from various sites (not this one though) committed suicide with his girlfriend.

Tuesday Morning a close school friend died of H1N1 or complications of Phnemonia, not sure and will not know because her religion (or maybe just her family) is against desecrating the body. 2hrs earlier her baby grandson died of H1N1.

Tuesday aftrenoon my bestfriend's mom died. They're not sure if it was H1N1, her heart (she was obese), or her lung (she had lung issues).

My son's father i found out the other day has fluid build up oon his lung, which we expected to come but might mean sugery to close the loonie size hole which has a 35% mortality rate. If they just remove the fluid he'll be in the hospital for 1-2 weeks, they also have to make sure the TB isn't back. If it's surgery, probably up to 2 months.

I'm getting closer to my 20th anniversary of remission of epilepsy which scares me and excites me. My mom's came back at 50 yrs old, after 45yrs of remission, her's were always worse than mine. I am a nocturnal epileptic and more times then not I got petite-mal. Only have had 2 grand-mal seizures in my life and I was 4yrs old and was startled into it.

So I guess there is one good thing amongst this shit of this week.

I'm still depressed and fucked up a little. Such is life I guess.

My chest still aches and not cause of my bronchitis..... because the lack of comfort in my pain hurts. A comfort of a friend, of a loved one....of someone you love. Always makes the heart at ease, even if just for a little while.

It Is True.

so, accordingly, i am keeping a running tab of how many times I use recreational drugs in the year 2009. for this, if I, for instance, use cocaine and dope on the same day, this still counts as one use day. basically, when I use a recreational drug during a day, no matter the quantity, I'll count that day as using.

so far I've got 16 use days since January 1, 2009.

one month I used four times. two months I didn't use at all.

16 / 9 (months so far) = little less than two per month.

At the end of this year, I will post a use total, mostly for my own bookkeeping purposes. But, in conclusion, at least this far, I am very glad at my number. I attribute a great deal of my success in not getting roped into an ongoing habit on my prescription of Subutex. It's been a godsend for me. I cannot imagine my life without Subutex---it means that much to me. Yea I plug it almost everyday to catch a little buzz, but who gives a shit, I'm only human. The drug has successfully done what it is marketed for: it's allowed me to lead a normal lifestyle without constantly wanting that next fix.

I am so happy with these numbers. So far, with Subutex, and with my parental/rehab safety net in place, I have been able to chip right along. A word on chipping: it, for me, really is the way to go. One cannot win over heroin, you cannot continue to achieve great kickass highs if you continue to use. Tolerance is the bitch on every junkie's back. Using approximately once every two weeks has afforded me enough great hits to leave me perfectly content---and I'm only happier knowing that I am using heroin/oxycodone in the best possible way: occasionally. Word up to that. I, for one, never thought that was possible.

I have been on a roller coaster this last year and a half- 2 years.
Somedays I wonder when I will catch my breath.
One thing after another......
I have alot going on in my home life- and I am STILL struggling to come to grips with the parental issues I am still carrying around at 28.
I had dreams about it last night even.
It is annoying that I continue to work on letting go of the hurt I feel by my father and the constant twisty tied relationship I have with my mother.
I can't help but feel I have to take care of her, right now, emotionally. I feel like I became the adult and she became the child many many years ago......
My father has no idea. He has no idea who I am and really doesn't bother to try or have any desire to......He just thinks the worst and then sets in his mind that I am that.
My friend said to me she heard a quote that adulthood was just years of trying to get over your childhood...... I find this amusing and true for me.

So- I talk so much about letting go of anger- and have for many reasons......but I realized I am still harboring anger at my parents.
My mother had called (this was a week ago) and I cut the talk short b/c I was in pain and just not in the mood. I hang up and a little while later tell my friend (who lives here now -another big long story) that I have a bad feeling something is going to happen when my parents go skiing the next day and I felt like I should call my mother back and just let her know I love her.......I didn't.
The next day comes, my parents went skiing, and I had a bad feeling all day- I ignored it b/c quite honestly I thought something might be wrong with my father and I wasn't sure how I'd deal with it......The following morning I wake up come downstairs and my friend says "Ummmmm- Your dad called?!?!" And I was like " Oh shit. He doesn't call me. something IS wrong" I made my coffee and my friend was like 'sit here, we will call together" (My friend and I grew up together- she lived with my parents and I and she knows my dad and his issues with me very well) - Anyway- My mother answers the phone and she sounds awful- I ask her what happened and she says a man plowed into her skiiing and broke her hip and she had surgery and 2 blood transfusions and all this.......
Well then I ask to speak to my father (this is the first time I have spoken to him since our falling out over the summer) and we're talking fine- Im asking questions and he has this very caring tone- Then I say "Well, Thanks for calling and letting me know" - And he bit my head off. He said"I WASN'T GOING TO CALL YOU AND YOU CALL EVERYONE AND GET EVERYONE WORRIED AND UPSET WHEN WE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON! BLAH BLAH BLAH"
It wasn't until this point that I realized it wasn't my dad calling- it was my mother, from my dad's phone. So when my friend saw missed call from Dad, it wasn't really. I didn't waste my breath and was just like 'ok ok, well talk to you later-bye" I just wish he wouldn't assume I am being a smart ass- but I guess, it really doesn't matter. I have given up all hope he will ever understand me or know me......he couldn't without me having to tell him that the majority of the life he thought he was living was a lie......I'd rather him live out the rest of his life believing I am some asshole than know the truth, which would hurt him deeply......
I'm tired of feeling like some misunderstood kid though hahahahahaha
And I need to let go of the anger.......I should have picked up that phone when I knew something was wrong.
Needed to get it out there. If you read all this boring nonsense, Thanks.

i can't believe i have been posting here as a_c for 7 years. its crazy to think how much has changed since i registered here as a junior in college. or from when i first stumbled across the site looking for information before my first time rolling in 2000. its been a crazy time but i am glad i've stuck around

I slept all day after I watched the Rememberance Day Ceramony on TV.

Nothing much has changed since my last post.

In your arms, safe, where I feel the best, at home, is where I want to be right now. Another day I have to wait, I hope I don't face denial yet again.

I ache, I ache for comfort.

Your arms, your scent all around me. Comforts me so much.

Emo yes but fuck it, I don't care.

Yeah, so things haven't really gone according to plan. EI is being a dick and are like "well, we need a medical." Which in this day and age I can forgive them for.

Just its a pain to get to my Family doctor (an hour away) with no car and no money for something that may or may not happen.

I'm going to sell some stuff to make ends meet. Try to look for a job. I got no where else to go. Welfare ain't going to cut it.

Starting to think about doing rotating shift work again just to pay the bills. Which equals death, pretty much. That'd be a do or die situation.

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I dunno the Addiction Services RN was really awesome. But, at this point do I really have the time for it? She made a point that I'm not really able to work right now. But, again how can I afford not to? I don't even know what I'm doing.

I guess it was good in the sense that I now know that I quit my job because of my addiction.

Oh well. At least I don't have the flu.

i am so nostalgic foe my past right now it's killing me.....i have no energy fer nothing......i just sit and think and stare and smoke...im so fucked right now

I need you to engulf me in your arms tonight D. I am a wreck and need you. You are busy though, so i will leave you be. I lost another loved one, I wish you were here to hold me.

I cant eat, cant sleep, cant do much but sit here and wonder if Im next? Who else will I lose?

I can't stand crying, so not me, such a weakness in my books. Yet here I am.

My chest hurts so bad.

I've never used a Blog before, which your prolly gonna be able to tell in oh a sec.
I've had more free time on my hands lately and I've been rereading the things I've written. More so the old journals and It's bringing up feeling I really don't want to think about. Since coming into the program I'm in I've been having to look at myself and be honest to everyone I come in contact with and myself. It sucks.

*I've come so far to feel so lost* Before my addiction the night used to calm me* I'd sit outside for hours listening, watching the sky and just being okay with myself* Why am I lost when I've gained so much* "just for today", right?* But deep inside I need to know* Will there be a happy tomorrow* Or am I simply hurting everyone around me* This book says we were insane, so what now* I still feel insane* I'm scared to feel anything for someone* I'll either hurt them, they'll hurt mw or in the end I'll still lose them* I can deal with nothing lasts forever* I already pasted that test* I didn't do so well, I always sucked at tests* Emotional ones - the wrost*

Sometimes that's what gets me through a day of obsessing about drugs. Simply the knowledge that I will obtain a variety of nice, shiny material objects as a result of not indulging in drugs and alcohol.

Yeah, its shallow but whatever it takes to get past the powerful obsession to use on certain days works for me.

The deeper aspect of my desire to stay clean is learning such positives such as:

tolerance
acceptance
honesty
willingness
open-mindedness
humility
integrity
patience

Right now, I just gotta do what is necessary.

I'll say one thing though... I'm beginning to get quite strong as an individual. This strength is coming from each challenge that I have overcome/dealt with thus far.

Things seem to be looking up for me right now. I'm off all of my medicines, excluding Adderall (which I'm pretty much off, but have not ruled out taking in the future). Two months ago I was on Carbitrol, Wellbutrin, Abilify, Adderall, Focalin, Temazepam and then Tramadol. Now I'm unmedicated and feel so much better - but my therapist is pretty thoroughly worried about me. I saw my psychiatrist today and didn't even mention being off meds (yet again).

Overall, I feel good like this. I also stopped smoking weed or using any drugs (for the most part), and while I was drinking a few beers a night this past week, I decided today to stop that, as being lucid at all times is extremely important to me.

Of course, this Fall's big vice remains - poppy pods. I've been pretty consistently opiated on them since early September, maybe even late August, I don't remember. Ideally, I want to get off those too and be 100% sober. It just keeps me sane, help me sleep, makes me happier, and relieves my horrible back pain.

Overall, things are looking up, happy to say. Work and school are going well, as is my poetry, and my relationship with C is amazing. In some ways, I feel like I'm becoming a more conventional person - which isn't a bad thing at all.

well first off, this is my first entry in my blog but i thought it was a good place to just ramble a bit.

The day started of a little different then most my days, i got up early evven tho i had a day off.
I was gonna have a friend over a little later but i started the day as soon as i woke up!

First i toke some breakfast, vitamins and some benadryl, then found my stash and took about:
~1mg buprenorphine, 2.5mg nitrazepam and 1.5mg bromazepam

went down to buy some milk and stuff at the baker, went home made a cop of elderberry with a little bourbon

then took some more goodies from my stash:
~1mg buprenorphin, 2.5mg nitrazepam and 1.5mg bromazepam.

now im just sitting nicely relaxed and chatting a bit, waiting to get some weed (soon hopefully)
and for my friend to come over with he's laptop and chill with me.

this gotta be the best morning i have had in a long time hehe :D

Seems this blog has become the emo blog. Whenever I am emo I've been writing in here. I guess it's because I can't talk to the one I want to, I can't talk to the one I used to be able to, I can't obviously talk to a 4yr old. This little white box seems here for me to get my emo out.
I don't WANT to be emo all the time, it just seems that is what has happened when you lose all your friends....well not all.... i got 1 left but, he's not the emo type, at least he potrays not to be.

Alone again, just needing a hug, and yet again no one. I can't even take my pills....I have taken 6 too many already for this month. Two days before I get my Cipralex....hopefully.

Must be some scatterbrains around here. You know when you lose important things? Like... keys, ID, that kinda thing?

Aye, well, I'm a bit (an epic) scatterbrain.

Today I lost my bag of meph. At work!

Was running really really late this morning so instead of making a few "maintenance bombs" (parachutes?) I just scooped a load into a baggy.

I had some at work, in the loo, and then..... it vanished. Didn't notice til a few hours later when I went to have more.

So.... basically, in a nutshell, I dropped a baggy of unidentifiable white powder.... at work.

Instant reaction - total panic.
Secondary reaction - re check bag, coat, all pockets meticulously
Next, I went wandering around the places in the building I'd been that day.
What makes it even shitter and stupider is that this isn't the first time this has happened. Last time though it was just 1 relatively innocent (compared to powder!) looking bomb. And I did find it again by wandering around.

No luck finding it this time.

By then I was in full on panic+paranoia mode

A neat psychological trick I learned ages ago was to think of the worst case scenario, the best case, and the most likely case. Usually this helps.... because the absolute worst case is often something that I could deal with.

In this case, I wouldn't be able to cope. One of two people in EADD have said that I've got my priorities wrong, and that I shouldn't value my career so highly. Even if you replaced "career" with "shitty job" --- how do I pay the rent? Buy food?

I know the answer .... move back in with my parents. They're lovely lovely people but living with them... they wind me up in all sorts of ways, but they also look after me 100% so I can get wasted every day all day. I'd drag myself out of it eventually, but not ending up in that situation is something I'd rather avoid.

So here are my top tips!!!
- Don't take drugs at work
- If you must, try not to leave them lying around or lose them


Edited to add......

arrrrg iam trying not to think abuot it, but I know how stupid and idiotic this was. Believe me, my flippancy is just a defence mechanism. I feel so stupid and pathetic and useless.... ahhhh - defence #2, self pity How dull.

I've been reading pretty much every source I can find on coping with addiction. Of course, there is nothing specific to mephedrone addiction (yet) but there is so much relevant stuff.

One I especially liked was "Take control now" by Marc Frederic Kern with Lance Lenon. I only read the free-to-download first chapter (ebook is $10, I think):

http://www.addictionalternatives.com/tcbook/download.html

I have written some lists -- positive/negative of carrying on/stopping.

Positives of continuing to take mephedrone

• It feels good:
• Euphoria
• Confidence
• Relaxation
• Stimulation
• Weight loss
• Makes me n mugabe super-super loving to each other
• Amazing meph sex
• Have made some cool friends through it
• Almost all activities become enjoyable

Negatives of continuing to take meph

• Things I plan to do never get done
• My flat looks like a junkie den
• Greasy skin, pale as a sheet... not a good look
• Out of berath, head and heart pounding, feeling sick .... from walking uo the stairs
• I'm blnded/dazzled by my monitor and TV. Sunlight physically HURTS
• Meph is becoming more and more unpredictable in its affects on us both. Sometimes still good, sometimes really edgy and sick
• Vision problems generally
• Job - I work hard for 2 hours and get ~15 minutes work done
• I've had so many sick days that HR will soon be all over me if i have more
• Used up almost all my holiday allowance taking sick days as impromptu holiday
• Someone will clock on eventually and then I'll be screwed

I know I've missed a lot of obvious ones -- the truth is that I don't give a crap about many of the commonly quoted ones.

Negatives of stopping taking meph

• Withdrawal... may not have gotten over the stupidity factor by the time my holiday ends.
• Withdrawal. What? No one likes pain!!
• mugabe will appear to give me the cold shoulder and not care about me at all
  • That's a combinaiton of his own crash plus a HUGE dose of my paranoia
• Lose some really fun friends, because we only know them because of meph
• Months and months of having to avoid being around meph users using meph
• At a loss to fill the empty hours in the evening.
• I'd hate myself for even longer.

Positives of stopping

• I'll be able to contribute normally at work
• Be able to talk to people without worrtying about looking/aounding fucked
• Mugabe and I can finally move to a bigger house
• We'll get to start our LIFE together. We can go out and do things together
• I can cook and eat something more fun than a ready meal
• I'll have time to do things in the evenings that got pushed aside because of meph

So there you have it.

I guess I was a bit worried about whether or not I WANTED to stop,,. or how 'emoitionally attached' to meph I I was.
I know that the lists are similar in length, but they're certainly not similar in weight to me. I really, really want to get off the stuff.

Less that 24 hours of meph remaining - wish me luck!!

I know I mumbled it but my answer was yes, I was happy, there laying in your arms.

Not sure if you heard or understood, Just wanted to make things clear.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0OOFN1z45CI

Rewording a good song...but oh well...

I miss the look of wonder in your eyes
The way your soft brown hair felt
I miss the power of your kiss
But baby most of all

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

I miss the colors that you brought into my life
Your golden smile, those big brown eyes
I miss your gentle voice in lonely times like now
Saying it'll be alright

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with
The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again
And let the light back in
I miss my friend

I miss those times
I miss those nights
I even miss the silly fights
The making up
The morning talks
And those late afternoon walks

I miss my friend
The one my heart and soul confided in
The one I felt the safest with

Click to expand...

The one I confided in with no hesitation in 10 feet under for years. I miss the freedom of not worrying about what I said, when i said it, and the love.

The freedom of not worrying, the freedom of just talking, the freedom of just holding each other through both our tears, both our struggles, holding, kissing, loving each other like no other. Just being there for one another, through our good and bad times, our weaknesses and strengths.

I have someone to confide in but not my heart and soul. Maybe I can? I don't know. I am so lost at what I can and cannot do with him.

I am so lost, so fucking lost sometimes, sometimes I just need a hug, and no one gives a flying fuck. Really no one does, how fucking nice is that. Then people wonder why I am so emo and fucked up. I just want to be held, to be wanted, to be loved by someone who is IN LOVE with me. What is so wrong with that?

what is so wrong to be in love and for that person to love you the same way back. To SHOW it once in awhile. Maybe SAY it once in a blue moon. What is so wrong with falling in love with a man that you makes you feel like no other has....?

Its not a weekness, it's a strength. Its courage. It's fucking awesome if you can find that in life. More so more than once, after your greatest love blows his head off in front of you.... and you can have the courage to fall in love dispite the fear of your past, of your fucked up life.....

Love is a strength,courage, honor, and if your lucky forever eternal.

whatever, pill time, emo time over.

I sit online some days all day, waiting for my friends to come online so i can chat with them, a few chuckles, make me a little happy for a short time.

Instead I sit here with no one online ALL day every day.

Then I come here a million times a day to post or check my posts or whatnot.

What a pathetic life I live. Life...HA! a joke!


oh well.... time to harden up again and ftw....

i do it for you

That even though I drove away after hitting that damn pay phone, they got my plate number. At breakfast this morning me and my mom talked but we didn't talk about what I was expecting. More or less she was just wondering if I was fucked up when the accident happened which honestly, I don't remember. I just know for a fact the whole reason I even hit the pay phone in the first place was because I couldn't go into reverse. I was trying to pull a u-turn and just didn't make it so I ended up taking out the phone.

I'm not really stressing the situation as of now, or at least I'm trying my best to not stress the situation because it's pretty pointless and I know if I let something like this stress me out I'm going to get myself in the same situation I always find myself in. I already know from experience isn't what I want to happen. We figure what is the worst that could happen? I have insurance, it's the basic but I am covered. I might just get hit with a fine and most likely have to pay for the damages to the phone...meaning I'll have to use a good amount of money which blows because I was planning on getting my new phone and shit. That might have to be put off got a few more checks or who knows, maybe this won't cost me as much as I am thinking.

Ok, so I'm not completely clean (I'm still taking my daily regimen of benzos, and I'm also pretty stoned right now...) but I've been off meth for at least two weeks now. Somewhere along the way I lost count of the days, but it's definitely been a couple of weeks. Fuck, I think this is the longest I've stayed off meth in the whole year!

There's an NA meeting tonight, but I don't think I'll go for a couple of reasons: 1) I'm still at Lydia's place in Auckland, and by the time I get back to my home city, the meeting will probably be nearly finished. 2) I'm starting to feel that NA isn't for me.

NA takes the "abstinence" approach when it comes to drugs (hell, even alcohol and tobacco at my group!), whereas I prefer harm reduction. I want to get my drug use under control, and use safely, rather than stopping completely. I see no problem in smoking an occasional bowl of weed or popping an E. And I will probably be on some form of medication for the rest of my life, so total abstinence won't really work for me.

But I'm glad I'm finally off meth. Most of the withdrawals have faded (with a little help from my friends clonazepam and triazolam), although I've still got some restlessness and cravings going on. If somebody offered me a baggie right now, I don't think I would be strong enough to refuse that. Hopefully in time I'll gain more control over this drug, because I'd actually love to go back to using it occasionally, instead of every day of the week like I used to.

Lydia and I are thinking about becoming "fortnightly warriors" with meth. We're planning to do a tiny amount (like a point) once every two weeks. I hope it works out, but I understand how addiction works and I know how difficult it can be to lower your intake of a hard drug once you've become addicted to it. But we'll see how it goes! If we start using more frequently, we've both agreed that we'll stop using for good.

See that dude? The one off to the side, watching in quiet understanding? Yeah, him. He did time for murder.

See that cat in the front? The one with the innocent smirk? He was a fan of robbin' convenience stores.

See the jittery guy in the back? He's new. Hasn't missed one of these things in a little over 30 days. I forgot to mention, he's a drug dealer and arsonist.

See the quiet girl who seems to notice everything? You wouldn't know it but she's a former sex worker.

These are just a few. You can multiply the faces and add the same stories to many.

Me? I'm a lying, manipulating thief who did whatever he could to hurt and sabotage himself.

These people are those that I am most comfortable with. They have been through all the bullshit. They, like me, have been beaten to their knees by themselves.

We can look at each other and understand.

We can give each other a genuine hug and tell each other 'Its gonna be alright, man. You've already been through the worst of it and, if not, we got you covered.'

These people are what life is about. REAL people trying to change.

Some can be preachy but this teaches me tolerance.

Some can be egotistical and this teaches me humility.

All of us make mistakes. This teaches me acceptance.

Some are just fuckin' annoying. They teach me patience.

I'm learning a lot up in here. I enjoy the company of my murdering, raping, thieving, prostituting, drug dealing teachers.

Looks like I've also learned gratitude.

. . . Physical symptoms too. Head is sore, my body is very tired. Energy is low. I have been avoiding drugs except for a gram taken over last weekend and shared with a few mates. Also some pot, a couple of joints also last weekend. Alcohol is on the up. I drank on Thursday night till I passed out.

Feeling very much vulnerable to self harm I went to the place I was in for a bit last year for. . . i dont know, to feel better and not get worse. Trace amounts of speed and THC were detected but so low that they were not there today so I was released with conditions.

Drugs and suicidal tendencies are a common theme now so I have to prove I am capable of sobriety as well as wanting to live to keep from being removed from my home. I regret asking for help in a way. I should not have to. I am usually pretty good you know.

Before this happened I went to the museum and saw the dinosaurs and also birds and stuffed animals. Got a t shirt of the periodic table. I am so cool. LOL.

Ill be home today with no harm done. The bad thoughts go away eventually. I told my flat mate I cant discuss certain things or I go nuts. He is a normal person who does not have the madness in his head so he does not quite get it but has agreed to not try to drag out of me things I am reluctant to talk about again. This is why i refrain from talking to a lot of people here anymore. This subject is painful for all affected I guess. Its better just left alone.