this is the 51st cold kick

i am so nostalgic foe my past right now it's killing me.....i have no energy fer nothing......i just sit and think and stare and smoke...im so fucked right now

 

I really wish I could say something uplifting and original....but I afraid Drugs may have wasted my brain....or it could be the pharmacutal non-presciprtion drugs I get...in pill form of course...cant be hitting the heavy stuff....truth is ...I'm a pig....when I comes to drugs...there is no limit with me...I have a huge tolorance with dope.... all dope....even Booze...I can drink till I pass out...except fer hard stuff...although I do imbib occasionally...But I love Beer...specialy Canadian beer...
like Lucky (chug beer)..Kokanee (of course!) it's the best...Molsons Canadian...Labats Blue...and Corona..yh Its from mexico duh!
AS for hard stuff...well its all good...Gin,Vodka,liqures,whiskey,wine, rum
and as for my tolerance for Heroin...well I have never reached it...and for coke...kinda the same...heart-pounding stuff...but no collapse...im ot being careful ...i just have no limits....Borderline personality.....what-fuckig-ever....LOL
erase and rewind cuz I've been changing my mind--The Cardigans

 

Except one thing...tonight I made a date with a junkie buddy of mine to score some primo dope for tomorrow morn...my prob is ...I really don't wanna go?...Im not dopesick and I dont have a huge craving or anything...yet why do I feel the pull to go...the consequences outweigh the 2hour high....what to do...decline?..lie..just ignor him???whatever

 

Stolen in just about every single store in my town numerous times...so many times that I get ashamed to shop there just fer legitimate stuff....ripped off my best friend of her methadone dose and replaced it with water....waited fer hours just fer my crack dealer to return with my dope....lied and stole from every single family member....given blow-jobs to asshole ugly dealers fer a 20$ rock...fucked dealers fer my H fix...used barbed,old,dirty rigs to fix....pawned all my expensive stuff without any intention of ever getting it out...shared a needle once with a friend...(I'm HIV free)....cheated on every single one of my bf's......used a friends wash....almost robbed two old ladies with a knife (couldn't tho, so sick I didn't have the energy)....can't think of anything else

 

cops stopped me yesterday but I was as smooth as grannies inner thigh skin (lol).....got into a fight with my husband cuz I took 50 euro from the bank which is in both our names...so technically I wasn't stealing....I went into an internet cafe cuz I wanted to talk to yota about something but was so out of it I couldnt even log on...I had snorted 4 baggies of heroin in one go...couldn't even walk after that...don't remember how I even got home...let me tell u..if I quit now...I sure have the best "last time" to remember...

 

I have just taken so many fucking pills and they have ni fucking effect on me whats so ever...kilss the pain tho....three days without heroin now and I dont fucking care....oh sure I say that now but whats happends tomorrow or the next day??
back to the same desructive substance abuse???...I
'll be honest I dont think i can quit heroin or coke permanently....I think maybe I will od tonight with so many pills in my systems...they suck...want someting stronger...like xanax...but where to find my pharmacist wont give em to me so fuck that asshole!!!///altho I do have to thank him fer what he has given me....but its noyt enough....I have a long rough night ahead of me and my nerves are killing me....everything is shit...and I only have myself to blame.....fuck life...fuck YOU and everything else on this shit planet God put me on...jusy fucking kill me!!! oh but no!!! pnly the good die young and Im shit no good since the day i was spawned........

 

never did no harm.....its Dare.....fell like u dare yerself to work it out.....hold it down...dare...junp back and forth fell like you dare yerself to work it out
gorillaz.....BUT WHWHO GIVES A SHIT .....oh...oh..oh....oh...boom,boom,,,another night night another dream..just another night..just another night,,,I talk I talk talk to you
i fell joy i fell joy i feel pain,,,I am yer lover...yer brother....vision of love...in the night i feel of love so true....i talk talk ...in the night I feel of love so true
dont be misteaken by the first impression....shes not what she seems
shes on fire,,,shes on fire
fire,fire,firefire!!!!
SCARFACE SOUNDTRACK......SO WILD...SHES ON FIRE AND SHE BURNS thro the night at the speed of light.....and shes burning....shes on fire...like who gives two friggin shits at this point
heres the house,heres the city to my dream....sleeping single fer u...till time has gone by...fer all the love u pour like rain...and the bed is big eniff fer both of us....sleeping single...i will wait fer u...sleeping single i will pray fer u....till time time has gone by....has gone byyyyy
roxette (pppf).....wnt u change yer mind???
Im burning up...dont out me off and im cant quench my desire...and this pounding in my heart just wint die....fer yer love.....yer always closing the door....come on let go!!..im burning up..im burning up..fer looove!!!....im on fire.....come let go!!!!...
do u wanna see me down on my knees ? im not the same i have no shame....im on fire!
madonna...
Meet me halfway, right at the boarderline
That's where I'm gonna wait, for you
I'll be lookin out, night n'day
Took my heart to the limit, and this is where I'll stay
I can't go any further then this
I want you so bad it's my only wish
black eyed peas...can u meet half way? can u meet me half way>???
ugotta put it in...work it boy!!.....
chick off destinys child...cant remember the bitches name......use the curves ofmy body fer yer motivation,.....check it baby..check it..i wanna
see

On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimmering light
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim
I had to stop for the night
There she stood in the doorway;
I heard the mission bell
And I was thinking to myself,
�this could be heaven or this could be hell�
Then she lit up a candle and she showed me the way
There were voices down the corridor,
I thought I heard them say...
o I called up the captain,
�please bring me my wine�
He said, �we haven�t had that spirit here since nineteen sixty nine�
And still those voices are calling from far away,
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them say...
Mirrors on the ceiling,
The pink champagne on ice
And she said we are all just prisoners here, of our own device
And in the master�s chambers,
They gathered for the feast
The stab it with their steely knives,
But they just can�t kill the beast

the Eagels...duh..like who dosent know this tune?

eurasion eyes...are watching me...like a river oh u flow thro me...when eurasion eyes are watching....well do u feel the passion in me?? I can only see yer eurasion eyes.....say...do u feel the passion in me...cus im the one who said id never care fer someone like u....when the world is cold i can only see yer eurasian eyes....and my heart is blind..i can only see yer eurasion eyes
corey heart

how can i explain when there are only a few words i can choose??....
do u remember once upon a time whe there were open doors? dont give up...dont give up
who cares

Uhg.
Pick Me, Pick me, yeah
Let a long, low signal
At ease, at least, yeah
Everyone is hollow
Pick me, pick me, yeah
Everyone is waiting
Pick me, pick me, yeah
You can even pay them
Hey!!!!!.......
Dive, dive, dive, Dive in me
Dive in me
Kiss this, kiss that, yeah
Let a long, low signal
At ease, at least, yeah
You can be my hero
Pick me, pick me, yeah
Everyone is waiting
Hit me, Hit me yeah,
Im real good at hating
Hey
Dive, dive, dive, Dive in me
Dive in me
Dive, dive, dive, Dive in me
Dive in me
NIRVANA

i can make it alone, i cab make it alone ,i can make it alone ???????????????????

 

then some fucking assshole videotaped me i was out of it on H'pills,booze...everytime i think about what i said and looked like i fucking cringe.....i never
wanna look like that again.....fucking bird
thank god im not qitting cold turkey....its fucking impossible...it ths
the
worst
only have a few more kicks left in me...the smart ones beat it before the moster grows..bigger than can be managed comfortably....but im getting wayyy tooo old fer the party lifestyle,...ive overdone it and im almost thro

 

.....wat the fack am i gonna do??...get drunk...gotta wait now till tonight to score sum ganja...guess i get drunk and take sum pilss later...on day 4 of my wd's.....did'nt get so depressed this time 4 sum reason.....o..wat i wud do fer a nice fattie right now

 

oh yeah!!...scored out in the nasty cold weather...on the fucking streets too....4th day with out H....im a tough chickie.....need sum good contacts....nigger power...they rule...albanian power too
yeah...scored thank god...cant make it without weed...

 

its my hell
i worry about it
sometimes all day....i dread boredom
job, no job...it's all fucking boring
and i worry alot about it
i think i need a kid

 

I'm outta smokes...so now I gotta walk and get sum...crap!...this is gonna be a long night...the day was long...don't know what to do??
can't work dad depresses me...
my family?....whatever
my husband.....a sarcastic shrug of the shoulders
and there just dosen't seem to be much else

 

oh the restlessness of my come down from lorazzies...first it was the heroin kick....and becuz I'm an idiot...I abused benzos while using the down...so I have somewhat of an addiction to these little fuckers...now I gotta kick all over again....I'm doing a quik taper...I want off these things....well,not all together...I think I just may need a wee one sumtimes in da future when I go into heroin panic overload...and I can't prevent my legs from walking to my dealers...Literally
My legs just do not stop.I know what I'm doing is bad. But my mind has NO control over the mission.
Now it's this restless, sleepless..blah feeling. I think i'm grinding my teeth too...ah shut yer whining!...but
Fuck it

 

Yh,,did it..I guess....Ouch!! Right now I just sneezed like 3 tmes LOL....anyways...I have no idea wat today will bring fer my lethargic,bored,depressed ass
But at least Stelios says he's staying home today...YaY! so I don't have to be alone. I'm writing a letter to trevor and mailing today. In my depressed state I miss that little bugger. Fuck..he's in jail....he keeps fucking up so they just keep adding more time.
I love everybody. So why do I feel so empty inside?

 

when is this shit gonaa end??...9 dayz now and i still feel like shit...this bezo wd..is fucking killing me