A slice of the pie

I have been on a roller coaster this last year and a half- 2 years.
Somedays I wonder when I will catch my breath.
One thing after another......
I have alot going on in my home life- and I am STILL struggling to come to grips with the parental issues I am still carrying around at 28.
I had dreams about it last night even.
It is annoying that I continue to work on letting go of the hurt I feel by my father and the constant twisty tied relationship I have with my mother.
I can't help but feel I have to take care of her, right now, emotionally. I feel like I became the adult and she became the child many many years ago......
My father has no idea. He has no idea who I am and really doesn't bother to try or have any desire to......He just thinks the worst and then sets in his mind that I am that.
My friend said to me she heard a quote that adulthood was just years of trying to get over your childhood...... I find this amusing and true for me.

So- I talk so much about letting go of anger- and have for many reasons......but I realized I am still harboring anger at my parents.
My mother had called (this was a week ago) and I cut the talk short b/c I was in pain and just not in the mood. I hang up and a little while later tell my friend (who lives here now -another big long story) that I have a bad feeling something is going to happen when my parents go skiing the next day and I felt like I should call my mother back and just let her know I love her.......I didn't.
The next day comes, my parents went skiing, and I had a bad feeling all day- I ignored it b/c quite honestly I thought something might be wrong with my father and I wasn't sure how I'd deal with it......The following morning I wake up come downstairs and my friend says "Ummmmm- Your dad called?!?!" And I was like " Oh shit. He doesn't call me. something IS wrong" I made my coffee and my friend was like 'sit here, we will call together" (My friend and I grew up together- she lived with my parents and I and she knows my dad and his issues with me very well) - Anyway- My mother answers the phone and she sounds awful- I ask her what happened and she says a man plowed into her skiiing and broke her hip and she had surgery and 2 blood transfusions and all this.......
Well then I ask to speak to my father (this is the first time I have spoken to him since our falling out over the summer) and we're talking fine- Im asking questions and he has this very caring tone- Then I say "Well, Thanks for calling and letting me know" - And he bit my head off. He said"I WASN'T GOING TO CALL YOU AND YOU CALL EVERYONE AND GET EVERYONE WORRIED AND UPSET WHEN WE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON! BLAH BLAH BLAH"
It wasn't until this point that I realized it wasn't my dad calling- it was my mother, from my dad's phone. So when my friend saw missed call from Dad, it wasn't really. I didn't waste my breath and was just like 'ok ok, well talk to you later-bye" I just wish he wouldn't assume I am being a smart ass- but I guess, it really doesn't matter. I have given up all hope he will ever understand me or know me......he couldn't without me having to tell him that the majority of the life he thought he was living was a lie......I'd rather him live out the rest of his life believing I am some asshole than know the truth, which would hurt him deeply......
I'm tired of feeling like some misunderstood kid though hahahahahaha
And I need to let go of the anger.......I should have picked up that phone when I knew something was wrong.
Needed to get it out there. If you read all this boring nonsense, Thanks.

 

Stop beating yourself up!!!! Argggggghhhhh! You are WAY too good of a person to be carrying around guilt that you are not responsible for.

I wish I could tap my heels together three times and make everything better. You truly do deserve peace, man.

 

Thanks OD......I'm trying.
My brain has been manipulated from childhood to turn all problems into my fault and guilt. My mother is the groundworker in that- She lays guilt down at my feet always.......
BUT I AM WORKING ON IT
(and my friend said the same thing to me as you said as soon as I hung up the phone- )

 

Hi Ocean, i relate to your circumstance more then you will know. One thing that got me through sort of "reconnecting" with my parents was essentially being the bigger (wo)man in all things.

For a family member to try and disrupt your life in whatever way, I found giving them exactly what they werent expecting worked best. It wasnt so much manipulation, it was more expelling less energy then being upset. It took a few years really for even myself to implement properly and there are still a few family members I dont speak with.

For a long time my dad acted the same way to me, nearly identical really. But then again my fathers attention span is so small that I would just pretend I didnt hear him and talk about something else.

Or on christmas, send then a card with a picture of colorado... haha. Another thing that got me through it was realizing they are still family, as much as it f*** sucks cock. I dont know all of your situation, but if you want to chat sometime please let me know.

Anyway, i doubt you wanted to hear my shizz, but I thought I would be a friend. Sorry if it wasn't appropriate

 

^No, It is good to hear that others can relate and I appreciate you putting yourself out there......
Thanks for being a friend
And funny enough- I plan to send my father a photo of my brother and mother in a frame for Christmas
I have given up on proving myself to him- but its the letting go of the anger and disappointment that is hard ......