Feeling a bit sick mentally. . .

. . . Physical symptoms too. Head is sore, my body is very tired. Energy is low. I have been avoiding drugs except for a gram taken over last weekend and shared with a few mates. Also some pot, a couple of joints also last weekend. Alcohol is on the up. I drank on Thursday night till I passed out.

Feeling very much vulnerable to self harm I went to the place I was in for a bit last year for. . . i dont know, to feel better and not get worse. Trace amounts of speed and THC were detected but so low that they were not there today so I was released with conditions.

Drugs and suicidal tendencies are a common theme now so I have to prove I am capable of sobriety as well as wanting to live to keep from being removed from my home. I regret asking for help in a way. I should not have to. I am usually pretty good you know.

Before this happened I went to the museum and saw the dinosaurs and also birds and stuffed animals. Got a t shirt of the periodic table. I am so cool. LOL.

Ill be home today with no harm done. The bad thoughts go away eventually. I told my flat mate I cant discuss certain things or I go nuts. He is a normal person who does not have the madness in his head so he does not quite get it but has agreed to not try to drag out of me things I am reluctant to talk about again. This is why i refrain from talking to a lot of people here anymore. This subject is painful for all affected I guess. Its better just left alone.

 

Do you have a pic of said shirt? I have a periodic table mug that is pretty awesome. Nerds rule!

 

Zeph, the thing that sticks out here to me is that you are increasing your use of alcohol. In someone who is prone to depression and may be vulnerable to self-harm... honestly, hon, would you consider reducing your intake? I didn't realize how strongly similar thoughts I had while I was drinking heavily were affecting me until I quit (and the thoughts went away).

Remember that you are still healing from years of not taking care of yourself mentally and physically because you were in active addiction. I really recommend that to the extent practical, you remove anything in your house with which you have self-harmed in the past so that you are not triggered "back" to that place in space and time when you hurt yourself. The human memory is an amazing thing.

I for one am glad you are in professional care and that the key for you will be relearning how to want to live. There are a lot of times when things just plain suck and you feel like it'll never change, right? And then, don't they always?

How much change you want is up to you. But you are a survivor. You do not belong in a psych ward - if the places there are anything like here, it'd be more punitive for having the bad thoughts, and to heal you must realize that they are not something for which you should be punished.

It's a new week Liz - make it a healthy and happy one, and feel free to drop me a PM/IM/FB/call if you want to have a chat that I will ensure makes you smile. :D