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reading the darkside today, sliced at my normally cool and composed self. I don't me a nick at it, it tore me from pelvic bone to nap of my neck.

So many bad memories, so many things I wish I could help with. So many people suffering in silence, often over false images in magazines, or from a disorder that is simple to treat.

Not many things rip rangrz apart like that, and if I made an ass of my self. I am sorry. But it was a punch of emotion and sadness that compared to very few others.

So I will try every day, to make some small, positive change. One more burden on my weary shoulders, but one I would rather take on the fluff off.

I don't care if I'm a spook, viewed as a sciopathic tool of the goverment by most. It aint true, we too have feelings, we're not sciopaths. I don't care if i'm a tweaker. Once again viewed as just violent, mean people. No, we feel too. I am whatever you say I am. But I know who I really am. The things that I feel and care about. The things that bring me to tears, and the acts I am capable of doing, if the need should occur. Fuck the labels of the general public. I'm still human, even if they are blinded to it.

Just writing shit out helps sometimes. Even if its hard to understand for anyone else. My life has been fucked up in a million ways and not many would understand 100%, just as I can not understand others 100% but I can offer my compassion. Maybe sometimes, others could do the same for the type of people they might not get?

Yeah, I'm kind of weak right now. I keep flip flopping with my cravings and justifications to use. To tell the truth, I still can't come up with a SOLID excuse or reason to get high. The thing is, I don't need one. Its scary to think that 'just because' can send me back to where I was before (or worse)

I'm just gonna hang here in the Blog section of BL for a bit. I'm too shaky to be around the other sections at the moment. Even TDS triggers me sometimes but this is entirely due to my own weakness and fucked up, self-hating manner of thinking.

87 days clean from everything so far.

Such a tiny, HUGE amount of days to not use drugs. I wonder sometimes if I'll make it. Something tells me I haven't hit my bottom yet but do we really need to hit that 'bottom' to get better?

I feel like I have a lot of potential in this life. I guess I need to be patient and wait it out. My time frames and expectations of when things should be happening are twisted and unrealistic.

Things will be when the time is appropriate. NOT when I say it is time.

I'm strong on the surface
but not all the way through
I've never been perfect
but neither have you.

I guess I can pretend
Hide everything away
I've done it all before.

Every man has hurt me
in one form of way or another
why would I expect to get my way
win the perfect man
cause your perfect to me.

So lets pretend
pretend to be just friends
lets hide the feelings away
and deny they exist
lets go have fun
lets go get spun.

haha I work at a recycling plant. And today my buddy found a box from the MAC store with 15 unopened IPODs.. The touch screen ones. I wish I found that box. Everyone at work that day got one. lol

One ounce of Marijuana

500mg of 4-methylmethcathinone (aka Meow)

Sometimes I got bed at night and request dreams about certain topics from my sub conscious.
I didn't know what I wanted to dream last night so I just said to myself when I was in bd going to sleep, I want to dream about something fun so when I wake up I feel good.

(i tend to always remember my dreams very vividly)

So I went to sleep.
I woke up this morning having dreamt that I was in some random city scoring dope and I was stoke to be doing so.
I've never played around with heroin IRL so was surprised with this.
In my dream I knew how to cook it and find the vein and everything. In real life I'd be fumbling from what I've seen on TV never having been around many IV users when they rig up.
Anyway I shot the dope and had the time if my life sitting in a park leaning up with my back against the tree and i began to nod while listen to some birds chirping in a tree above me.

After this I woke up feeling very euphoric.

Was a bizarre dream.

Tonight I'm going to ask myself for another 'fun' dream and see what happens.

káposztás tészta (cabbage and noodles)



its small, square noodles pan fried with shredded cabbage. bacon can be added for more flavor.

bécsi szelet (weinerschnitzel)



its pretty much weinerschnitzel... thinly pounded veal breaded and fried. served with a lemon for squirting.

Töltött káposzta (stuffed cabbage)



1 cabbage
For the filling
1 lb. ground beef
1/2 lb. rice, rinsed
1 large onion, finely chopped
1 tbsp édes paprika
A little olive oil, just to help bind it together
Salt and black pepper to taste
For the sauce
1 15 oz. jar sauerkraut
Water
Oil
2 tbsp all-purpose flour
1 tsp édes paprika
1 tbsp granulated sugar
Salt to taste
2 6 oz. cans tomato paste

Take off the most wretched outer leaves of the cabbage, and rinse the whole thing off. Steam the cabbage for 5-10 minutes, or until the leaves are pliable enough to bend easily. I find that after removing all the pliable leaves I can, I end up having to re-steam the still hard inner leaves. If I steam it so long that even they are pliable from the start, the outer leaves are easier to accidentally rip.

Peel off the leaves. Hold each leaf rib-side up, and pare the thick rib down to get rid of that tough vein and make it about as flat as the rest of the leaf.

Prepare the filling by mixing all the filling ingredients together by hand. The rice:meat ratio varies, though I have suggested using a 1:2 ratio here. Ima initially told me to use 1 part rice to 1 1/2 parts meat by weight, but when I tried it that way, there was way more rice than I’m used to when she cooks it. It may be that the type of rice used affects this – I don’t know what sort of rice Ima uses (Uncle Ben’s would be my guess), but I use basmati. Szaz Anna also uses 1 part rice to 1 1/2 parts meat by weight.

When I called Ima to ask her to clear this up for me, she explained that it is really based on what you can afford – if you can afford more meat, use less rice. If you want to stretch the meat further, use more rice. The rice also serves the purpose of keeping the meat from binding into nothing more than a tough patty; like the bread in meatballs, the rice here keeps the meat tender and good.

To fill each cabbage leaf, set the leaf on the table rib-side down, so that it naturally curves into a sort of cup waiting to be filled. Roll small handfulls of meat into oblong patties that fit the size of the leaves, and place the filling on the cabbage leaf, near the bottom of the leaf. Fold the sides of the leaf over the filling, and roll the cabbage around the meat, being sure to tuck the bottom end of the rib around the filling to keep it all snugly wrapped.

Cut the center out of the cabbage that remains, and discard. Chop up the rest of the cabbage into small pieces.

To fill the pot, start with a layer of that chopped up cabbage mixed with sauerkraut. Then place the stuffed cabbage in a flat layer on top of that, starting by lining them up around the circumference of pot and then filling in the middle. Add another layer of chopped cabbage and sauerkraut on top of that, then another layer of stuffed cabbage. Keep going like this until you run out of stuffed cabbage, and add a final layer of chopped cabbage and sauerkraut on top. Add water to just cover the contents of the pot.

Bring it to a boil, then reduce to a simmer. Simmer, covered, for about 30 minutes.

A few minutes before your kitchen timer goes off, make a roux by browning the flour in a bit of oil in a separate pan. Stir in the paprika, then remove from heat. Add the sugar, salt, and tomato paste, and mix well. Ladle some of the water out of the cooking cabbage pot and mix in with the paste, just to thin it out. Add the thinned paste back into the pot with the cabbage, and carefully stir it in to dissolve it in the water. My grandmother instructed me to the shake the pot to get the paste mixed in, but my pot was too full for me to risk that.

Simmer for another 10-20 minutes, or until done.

uborka saláta (cucumber salad)



its thinly sliced cucumbers covered in vinegar and seasoned with salt, pepper and paprika.

Inspired by "Taking Drugs" I am going to dedicate my blog to paraphernalia photography and documentation.

The source of all photos will remain unknown.
If you would like for me to post your photo, contact me via PM and I will give you an e-mail address to send your photo to. All submissions MUST include what is in the photo or I will not post it. You can also feel free to include a quote or tag line with your photo.

-Shoolameet-

firstly, i call my methadone doctor 'Dr Done'
i think the auckland methadone services r pretty fucked really - serving all the ex-junkies in the auckland region (a pretty big region - like a third of NZ....at least 1 million ppl!) - yet they only hav one clinic....and 2 doctors

one doctor i refuse to see cos hes....an asshole (he knew me from my multiple trips to detox - and yes those methadone doctors also manage all the detox clients!)
that one just said to me oneday 'Lydia, ur the most complicated case ive ever had to deal with'
i replied 'then dont deal with me' - and i laid a complaint (i tend to do a lot of that wen it comes to the public health system )
he also told me that i wudnt b able to hav serum level tests done (to find out if im a fast metaboliser - i suspected i was, cos no matter wat dose i went up to, it never held me thru to the morning!) until i reached 170mg!

my new doctor ('Dr Done' - not quite so bad, quite gentle; still makes it well-known he knows im playing around with other drugs and i 'shudnt b mixing this and that with methadone'.....oh and he thinks im 'neurotic'...which i guess i am to b fair) told me this was complete and utter bullshit - that u cud hav serum levels checked at any level.....i was like 'ur kidding! u mean i didnt possibly hav to go thru all this BS and cud hav had all this done ages ago?' and he was like 'yea basically'
i was on 150mg wen i finally got the forms off him, one blood test to take in the morning before i had my methadone, one to take 4 hrs afterwards (the general 'peak' of most ppls methadone levels)

i dreaded taking the morning one.....i am used to waking sick: aching all over, stiff, shaky, runny nose, watery eyes, sneezing and yawning (oh and very irritable - i cudnt even b bothered brushing my hair wen i went to dose i felt so yuk)....so having a blood test, waiting in a room full of ppl while i was sweating like a pig and sneezing and sniffing, well that was not fun!
the later one wasnt fun either cos i get so little sleep from (what ive found out r methadone wds!) that usually i spend hours sleeping in the afternoon
yet another reason i had to give in my job as mod in the end!

well wen Dr Done got the results i got rung immediately by my case manager saying 'oh the doctor has some interesting results for u' (this is back in maybe august.....)
i asked her if the tests had revealed if i was a fast metaboliser and she said she cudnt disclose that info
i asked if she knew and she said that, yes she did, but she still cudnt discuss it with me 8(

well cos theres only those 2 fucking doctors covering all the methadone clients in the auckland region (plus all the detox clients which come pretty frequently) there wasnt a place for me to see Dr Done till NO-fucking-VEMBER!
gotta luv the NZ public health service eh

finally couple of days ago i went to see the guy (taking Keira with me for support) and he is actually a nice guy, commenting that i seem a lot better for having found someone (actually i was partly calmed by wat he had to tell me!!!)
he told me that my results showed a minimal amount of methadone in my system even 4 hrs after dosing.....and before dosing there was nothing in my system
by then i was taking 167.5mg daily!
he said that i was the fastest metaboliser hed ever come across

instead of splitting my doses into morning/night, hes just plain added another 20mg at night time and i am still allowed to climb higher up the scale another 30mg in the morning before he has to reapprove and rewrite another script

i sometimes feel a bit self-conscious cos i know im one of the ppl at the clinic on the highest doses - and shit, i will never fully stabilise until im fully off valium
im down to 24mg of valium tonight and planning to put my done up by 5mg next week wen i go away to the hunting lodge with my mum and my darling Keira

however, shit happens - and i know ive gotta get off 'done someday (after ive got off valium - and yes, i will b way into the 200s by then.....it WONT b easy!)
Keira and i call each other 'troopers' - hailing from the Iron Maiden song
cos wen were waiting for the next attack, ud better stand, theres no turning back!

now im taking methadone at night as well, im a diffrent person
i wake with only valium wds
no more gooseflesh, hot/cold flushes, runny nose/eyes, runs for the toilet, etc

apparently ppl with ADHD often do hav fast metabolisms
i was told by another 'done patient thats probly wat it is - my friend Tanea
thanks Tanz, now im well - to a degree (and even to a degree means a lot to me )

My health hasn't been the best lately (actually, that's a major understatement), but today it seems to have taken a sudden nose dive - I've got heartburn, diarrhoea, nausea, vomiting, and lately I've also been losing more weight and having periods of memory loss. I'm 99% sure it's related to the zopiclone I've been taking... 80-110mg every night for the past two or three months! After doing some research on the net I've only just learned that this dose is far too high and "potentially toxic". Apparently the recommended dose to treat insomnia is a mere 7.5-15mg a night for no longer than two weeks!

Why the fuck didn't my doctor tell me this when he prescribed it to me, and why the fuck has he continued giving it to me? I admit, I have been exceeding the prescribed dose because of the tolerance, but until now I assumed that zopiclone was similar to benzos (which I'm also taking), and it was natural for the dose to continue increasing over time. I had no idea I was putting my health at risk, nor did I know that zopiclone has a maximum recommended dose (15mg) - and anything exceeding that could lead to health problems with regular use. No wonder I've been feeling so damn sick lately! My liver already isn't in good shape, and now this has probably made things a whole lot worse. I'm gonna book an urgent appointment with my doctor, find a way to get off the zopiclone, and get some bloodwork done. I'm scared, and I'm pissed off.

Yesterday I arrived back home after a spending a week with Lydia at her cousin's farm in the middle of nowhere. It was a nice break. When you're a city girl like me, you forget how relaxing and peaceful the world can be when you're away from civilisation!

We both had a great time... it was only a brief five day holiday, but I think we both needed it.

stuff a gerbil up your ass with a tube...... haha

see this blood on my sleeve...it means im a time traveler, got a full power imagination to take me anywhere i could ever want to go, just say the word connect the dots cock the trigger release the shot, become something that u are not...
these lines on my arms is the map of my life, small trails of shiny white scars scratched over the crook of my arm, down the front, stretchin out over the skin, twistin like route 80, all the places i been.
i go where they aint gone before, walk out, fearless ,
swagger towards the future, mental kevlar never no stress got my eyes on the prize n no break in my step
i can be anything, live a new different life in the blink of my eye, watchin thru pinpoints i try on a new style a new ride a new way to be,
i see you but you dont see me
I am everything you think you know and really dont
i am everything you wish that you could do but you know you wont...
cigarette burns and broken knuckle cuts, bloody fist blistered wrist, a scab obtained in nodded bliss
a token from the other world, i close my eyes and touch the scar and travel back within my mind a souvenier i brought back home here, from another place and time.
all the words in the world cant touch my mind, your angry talk will never reach .... I am a force, a voice, more than just a body and a head piece,
diesel powered 12-liter heart wont stop, you got wat you got
but i got mine....
can you travel thru time?
can you get off a bus, early mornin steam from the vents, take a look around the city and say 'this is mine'?
can you go somewhere you afraid to see and face it with your eyes open?
can you feel the releif of giving up hope?
can you trace the track of your life by the marks on your skin, do you know wat you stand for?
can you break every thought you ever held turn it out and re learn wat its all about?
have you ever lived, flew higher, shined brighter than a thousand blue and red lights flashing reflected thru the night?
do you know wat its like,
to get ready to fly, take that
big
fat
shot
and.................



----------------------------------

A feen sits nodded out in a parked car across the street , body draped over the seat, shoulders slumped head bowed lost in a dream.

This monster, I truly don't wish to wake him. Lately, he's been only half-asleep so I move quietly so as not to get him started.

Sometimes I find myself poking him. This is a dangerously stupid thing for me to do. But I can't help it.

If he wakes up, he will take control of everything and who knows when he'll sleep again.

I know he wishes me to have nothing but him and is quite skilled at eliminating everything I care for in life. There is no room for my monster and anything else. He demands everything.

I poke and poke and poke knowing full well that he will eventually poke back at me. His pokes often come in the form of metal.

I poke him, he pokes me, metal pokes my veins.

Please stay sleeping.

i figure i will post a few hungarian recipes i enjoy along with pictures. i may have posted some of these in the recipes threads, i am not sure.

turos csusz (cottage cheese noodles)



you mix thin noodles, dry cottage cheese (the curds), bacon and little sour cream. its a yummy side dish.

csirke paprikás (chicken paprikash)



1. lightly season the chicken with salf, pepper and hungarian paprika. cover the chicken with chopped onions and roast in the oven at 400F.
2. when chicken is done, mix sour cream in with the left over juice and onions to make the sauce.
3. serve with noodles or nokedli

nokedli (dumplings)



3 eggs
1/2 c water
21/2 c flour
2t salt

beat until smooth drop by teaspoon into boiling water cook about 10 minutes drain

marhapörkölt (beef goulash)



ingredients (for 4 persons)

* 600 g beef sheen or shoulder, or any tender part of the beef cut into 2x2 cm cubes
* 2 tablespoons oil or lard
* 2 medium onions, chopped
* 2 cloves of garlic
* 1-2 carrots, diced
* 1 parsnip, diced
* 1-2 cellery leafes
* 2 medium tomatoes, peeled and chopped, or 1 tbs. tomato paste
* 2 fresh green peppers
* 2-3 medium potatoes, sliced
* 1 tablespoon Hungarian paprika powder
* 1 teaspoon ground caraway seed
* 1 bayleaf
* ground black pepper and salt according to taste
* water

# Heat up the oil or lard in a pot and braise the chopped onions in it until they get a nice golden brown colour.

# Sprinkle the braised onions with paprika powder while strirring them to prevent the paprika from burning.

# Add the beef cubes and and sauté them till they turn white and get a bit of brownish colour as well.

# The meat will probably let out its own juice, let the beef-cubes simmer in it while adding the grated or crushed and chopped garlic (grated garlic has stronger flavour), the ground caraway seed, some salt and ground black pepper, the bayleaf, pour water enough to cover the content of the pan and let it simmer on low heat for a while.

# When the meat is half-cooked (approx. in 1,5 hour, but it can take longer depending on the type and quality of the beef) add the diced carrots, parsnip and the potatoes, the cellery leaf and some more salt if necessary (vegetables tend to call for more salt). You'll probably have to add some more (2-3 cups) water too.

# When the vegetables and the meat are almost done add the tomatoe cubes and the sliced green peppers. Let it cook on low heat for another few minutes. You can remove the lid of the pan if you want the soup to thicken.

#serve with nokedli

I've been in the mud for a while now. I don't really know when I'm winning, or if I'm out of control. I've been riding it the best I can. I don't want to let it buck me.

It's a different world now. I can't pick up and move on. I've set my anchors. There is no going back. All of my options are things I've never known.

I've still got a good set of cards. Chance has always been good to me. I just don't have the option to walk. I've got to make what I've got work.

I need shelter from the storm. I hadn't noticed it before. Now it overwhelms me. I haven't been making the best decisions. I know less than I thought.

-Jesus loves you, the rest of us think you’re an asshole.

Food/Recipes!


I know you guys have some excellent food ideas, recipes or secrets-


Share them here!

I think I've discovered why it is that after two days off I'm tired as shit for like 5 days after that all I can do right when I get home is sleep and of course it's drug related. Typically, I use on my days off and the first two or three days at work I'll shoot up before going in...I've thought about taking a shot with me but am too scared of the risks involved with taking heroin to work.

I think that after all that using though my body is just burned out, not to mention nodding out isn't the same as getting some real good solid sleep. Which if you think about it, when I'm using dope most of the time I nod off instead of sleep and that goes from the moment I get my dope till I do my last shot because when I use heroin...I use it consistently till it's gone. I am only awake now because I couldn't sleep and woke up, but by the time I got back to bed I was already wide awake and figured I'd stay up because I haven't been awake past 8pm for the past week.

This gives me time to finally update a little too with what's been going on in my personal life. Olive left back to South Dakota on wed, I saw her for the last time that tue [nov, 10 2009] . It was great seeing her, and even with her being a junkie friend I still helped her out by giving her 10 suboxone to help with her kick. But I do wish her the best and hope she does get clean, I myself am in that battle of sobriety and know how hard it is. But I have faith she can do it, even if i can't...yet. When we kicked for that last time, it really made me realize how much I'm going to miss this girl. She was part of my life change over the past year. I forgot to get farmboy's information so I could visit him in jail, but she gave me a number I could contact her at which I will do soon here because I really do want to see Farmer too. I have enough love for the boy to visit him in jail and I want him to know that.

That last night I saw Olive too she hooked me up with one of her dealers too for the suboxone (which she didn't have to, I have ways to get heroin if I really want it but it still was nice of her to hook me up like that so I don't have to go through bullshit to get dope). With my luck anyway, this guy will go to jail soon, seems like all the dealers I get that have direct numbers already end up getting arrested shortly after I get their info.

Other then that, at work my general manager talked to me because the number of phone calls I've been taking have reduced a lot since I started working my new shift, which I thought might have been because I was too fucked up at times. But after today being completely sober and tallying up all the orders I took, I took around 40 calls. Which is about what she was considering "low" because when I worked the 8-5 shift I had around 60+ calls. I'm going to tell her I think it's the hours I work, because I come in at 11am, I miss the morning rush and only catch the evening rush around 3-5pm then it's pretty slow after that so I don't get a lot of phone entry calls.

I just hope I don't lose my job, I'm going to try as hard as I can to get those high numbers, but if they aren't high enough I'm going to bring it to her attention that it has nothing to do with my performance, but rather the shift I am working.

Didn't sleep at all last night! NOT ONE SECOND. this more intense insomnia then usual is being brought about i believe due to the Bupenorphine, I believe i may have taken too much yesterday and thats why i had such a bad case. Plus I did like 2mgs around 8pm - but damn wtf seriously is wrong with §uboxone.. It gives me worse insomnia then stimulants!!! FUCKIN BULLSHIT!

I been snorting heroin for probably 2 and a half maybe 3 years. I quit before for like a month and got right back on it. All my friends starting doing it and got hooked. Now were all trying to quit its been to long and were wasting all our money and i dont even do anything else i cant concentrate on school or anything. and on top of that i gpot my own place in newark cuza skool. Which is pretty back cuz i got like 10 dealers like in a mile radius. I just recently try to quit with one of my friends i got throught the WD part i hurt for about 5 days. And now i was chilling with my other friends who didnt quit and they didnt let me get it. But i got so tempted i went and got it and did it. My other friend didnt do it and is still good. Now me and my other friends are tryign to stop again. I need some help i took suboxon for 3 days and was still hurting alot after. I dont no how i can live life without it its all we did everyday il pick up do like 35 -40 bags a night i did the most out of everyone. everyone else probnably got to 15 the highest but not everyday. I really need some advice from people who got off it and are still clean. How do you live you life when your off it it seems there nothing else to do

it sucks ass being far away from people you care about