I'm back here, alone. Divorced my wife of 13 years a few months ago, my kids are with her for the next 2 weeks summer vacation. Who am I kidding right? I'm a good technical functionary, make a good salary, but since the props have been pulled out from under me, I must admit, I don't have a lot of hope these days. I was clean for 6 years until about 3 weeks ago, when I scored some MDPV, M1, and JWH-lings and set about trying to find some peace of mind. Didn't work so much, and, not that I have a specific regret for 'relapsing' chemically, I mostly am bummed because the people that I've grown to love and admire are in recovery, and, not being one to hold much back, they know about my recent use, and have distanced themselves completely, or maybe it's a mutual distancing, whatever. The reality is that I"m alone in a 4,500 sqft house (alone except for the cat, dog, the kids guniea pigs), and I have become phobic - I rarely leave. I've gotten in the car twice in the past week for trips to the store for cigs and caffeine. I have a woman who runs errands for me that I can leave a check on the front porch along with a grocery list and she takes care of it. Jeesh. It's like I'm 24 again, before I met my ex, and was basically working and slumming alone, only now I make a lot more money and I work entirely from home. I can be anyone I want to be on the phone and online with my customers. So objectively, is this 'bad' - I'm not completely dysphoric, although one reason I became so willing to order up some chems was because I've been in a state of emotional flatness for years, and the risk of addiction seems worth it in exchange for feeling joy again. Yea, I know - exercise, anti-depressants, good food, etc. I've done all of that, in various combinations for varying periods of time. I'm taking some real risks I know - tapering of my SSRI (staying on the SDRI and lamictal). Researching which chems stand the best chance of invoking euphoria with as little down-side crash risk as possible - oh, I found out that MDPV + M1 is not the way to go. Ended up getting a punch in the ass of an adrenaline hit a couple of weeks ago that threw me into a panic attack for 3 hours. Bleh. Also, not willing to take any psych's - I know what will be revealed on the trip, and I don't want to be pounded in the skull with my shortcomings and failures at this point. Just pleasure, softness, gentless, forgiveness, joy - that's what I'm after. Oh - the poppy tea - certainly some peace with that, but OMG the fucking constipation was ungodly - seriously - major incidents. Not that I don't still sip every couple of days, I just down a teaspoon of psillium powder every time I go to the kitchen to avoid the worst of it. Alcohol - no thanks, at least not as a hobby. Maybe I'll grab a good bottle of a dry red soon for the next time I go 'spearmintin with RC stims. Oh, I ordered some phenazepam to ease that panic stuff as well.
I'm fascinated with drugs - the psychological changes they can evoke, the culture, and the chemistry. I spend most of my free time reading BL, tihkal, pihkal, erowid, mapps stuff, whatever, because I really think that the keys to being happy are largely neurochemical. I definitely think that religion is neurochemical. The only thing that I miss is a real social life - I have my work, which as I mentioned is all online from home. I have my kids, but only 1/2 the time, and at 11 and 13 they are (i almost hate to say it) - more of a challenge than a source of contentment at this point. Don't get me wrong - I love them and would take a bullet any day for either one, but they are getting on with the business of growing up, and that means pushing the limits. So right now it's just me and my cat, on BL. I think I want to try MDMA (yea, i've never done it!). I've been ordering comfort items online like mad - just got a bunch of beautiful hand-crafted resin-powder incenses. On the way in the mails I have MDPV, Mephedrone, Phenazepam, Methylone, Naphyrone, seroquel (to abort the bad ones), a beta-blocker, and more Viagra. Not that I'm getting laid - after I started using again, my gf (who is about 1 year sober) just backed the fuck off. Funny thing is, she called me last night to make sure that I wasn't seeing someone else. give me a fucking break. You don't want to hang out with me, but yet you would have a problem with me seeing someone else. In some ways getting laid was like the one thing that kept me attached to the idea that I was OK, and desirable, and my libido is pretty high - and with her, it started out with great sex a few times a week, only to start dropping precipitously over the past few months, leaving me feeling like 'what's the fucking point? Is this the 'girlfriend experience'? Hell, I just got out of a marriage that had little sex, but at least there was a shared history and kids that kept it together for a long time. With the GF, no long history and declining frequency of sex. a fucking waste of time. Porn is free and lube cheap. Have a great day.
I'm fascinated with drugs - the psychological changes they can evoke, the culture, and the chemistry. I spend most of my free time reading BL, tihkal, pihkal, erowid, mapps stuff, whatever, because I really think that the keys to being happy are largely neurochemical. I definitely think that religion is neurochemical. The only thing that I miss is a real social life - I have my work, which as I mentioned is all online from home. I have my kids, but only 1/2 the time, and at 11 and 13 they are (i almost hate to say it) - more of a challenge than a source of contentment at this point. Don't get me wrong - I love them and would take a bullet any day for either one, but they are getting on with the business of growing up, and that means pushing the limits. So right now it's just me and my cat, on BL. I think I want to try MDMA (yea, i've never done it!). I've been ordering comfort items online like mad - just got a bunch of beautiful hand-crafted resin-powder incenses. On the way in the mails I have MDPV, Mephedrone, Phenazepam, Methylone, Naphyrone, seroquel (to abort the bad ones), a beta-blocker, and more Viagra. Not that I'm getting laid - after I started using again, my gf (who is about 1 year sober) just backed the fuck off. Funny thing is, she called me last night to make sure that I wasn't seeing someone else. give me a fucking break. You don't want to hang out with me, but yet you would have a problem with me seeing someone else. In some ways getting laid was like the one thing that kept me attached to the idea that I was OK, and desirable, and my libido is pretty high - and with her, it started out with great sex a few times a week, only to start dropping precipitously over the past few months, leaving me feeling like 'what's the fucking point? Is this the 'girlfriend experience'? Hell, I just got out of a marriage that had little sex, but at least there was a shared history and kids that kept it together for a long time. With the GF, no long history and declining frequency of sex. a fucking waste of time. Porn is free and lube cheap. Have a great day.