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thank you so much for the input.

thats what I was considering as well. im going to taper then drop to no dose then hop on suboxone. but i have heard that people in turn will get addicted to the suboxone so Im not sure if i should even get into the subs?

I really appreciate the input though. say I take around 200 mg a day. over how many days do you think I should wait to drop from dosage level to dosage level?

And how much of a MG drop should I do each time I go down a level ??

Thanks for any replies any help much appreciated.

hey! so, my boyfriends b-day is coming up soon and he keeps talking about how he misses smoking damiana. so that sparked an idea in my brain that i want to get him damiana for his b-day. the only problem now, is that i dont know where i can get it for cheap and in this somewhat of a short amount of time. i live in springfield missouri. anyone know of a place i can buy some damiana to smoke?

I had a really beautiful post I wanted to write about what my soul looked like. Who I truly am. But I don't have the strength in me anymore to write it. It feels like a lie when I'm feeling the way I am.

The tears just roll down my face as though I can't control them. I said I wasn't going to cry, it was stupid to cry over. But it happens anyway. I still say I'm not crying cause I'm not committing to it. I don't want to.
I hurt a lot. And it seems that no one knows, or no one cares. My troubles and heartache are laughable.

I feel like I'm coming unhinged. I know I just have to pull it back together. I just wish I could could be honest with you guys (BL) when once in awhile I really do hurt. But I fear the reaction of "oh its "Old PT" fuck that. We hate you.
Please remember I'm still human.
I'm not always happy go lucky and PLUR. Nor am I Emo. I am not to be labeled.
I am human and I have feelings and right now I feel so sad and lost and I guess my blog is the only place I can try to get it out.
Try to keep it from eating me alive.

The tears come more now. Still not committing to this crying bullshit. But at least I can hope its all this is a little cathartic, or something...

Today I only worked for about an hour. It's my weekend now.

My fucking coolant is leaking like it's going out of style. It's more of an irritation than anything else... but I don't have money in my budget to fix my car.

That's what I get for buying an old Audi, but I do love it.

My solution was to use some cpvc glue to try and seal the crack in my coolant reservoir. We will see how well it works. Hopefully it can just carry me until next Friday.

My uncle Terry is going to be calling me tomorrow. I need to ask him for money. I need a laptop and textbooks money so I can start going to school again in the Fall. I have been awarded grants that cover my tuition, which is great, but my job at the treatment center has me just scraping by, and my other job doesn't pay enough to afford me that stuff.

I realized today that I was wearing a two hundred dollar pair of jeans and stressing out about a hundred dollar car repair. I guess I haven't been too smart with my money over the past three years.


But I'm not starving and I'm not exposed to the batshit insane heat outside and I'm not dopesick and miserable.

Life's good today.

I should probably start by writing a bit about myself. I'm a 24-year-old unemployed transsexual girl with major depression, borderline personality disorder, a heavy methamphetamine addiction, and a benzodiazepine dependence. Enough baggage to fill a cargo plane!

I live in a New Zealand city of about 200,000 people. I studied psychology for a while at university, before having to drop out because of all the crap going on in my life. Maybe one day I'll return to finish to degree, once I've got my shit together in a neat little pile. I have no idea what I want to do with my life career-wise, but frankly I don't really care at the moment. I've got bigger things to worry about.

I've been smoking methamphetamine for two years (at this time of writing), and have been using it especially heavily over the past year. I'll use whenever I can get it, however I can get it. My peak usage has been two grams of pure crystal meth every day of the week, but I'm now trying to reduce that (and I am making some progress there, with the help of a drug counsellor).

I was first prescribed clonazepam at 18 for anxiety and panic attacks, and have been taking them regularly for around six years. I'm currently on 6mg a day (mostly just as a maintenance dose, to prevent withdrawals) but I do have the odd moment when I abuse them and take much greater doses. I have an insane tolerance to benzos for someone with a body mass index of only 15-16, and I'm very dependant on them. If I don't have my clonaz, I get very sick indeed. One time, after stopping cold turkey, I had a full blown seizure (convulsing, foaming at the mouth, and all that jazz) and woke up in the emergency department.

Anyway, that basically sums up me and my issues. I tend to be incredibly lazy with blogs, but hopefully I'll write more soon! :D

Good times. What's better than getting cheated on? How about when your slutbag girl friend starts sucking your 'best friends' dick behind your back?


I'm sure there is a special place in hell for losers like Muhammad Kased. Fucking cock suckers who cheat on their fiances with their best friends girl. Go the fuck back to Palestine to your ignorant virgin, take the shame and HIV with you and never come back. You picked the wrong couple to get involved with you fucking moron. Have fun at the doctors. Hope Palestinian health care is better than it was when you left.


And you and I both know she was a shitty lay- you think you regret it now? Just wait till the fun starts you drop out fucking loser.

I've been a cranky motherfucker lately, but there's nothing like a survey to make you feel better. Here's hoping at least.

(stolen from a_c's post, hence the lack of capitalization )

my name is: Dave

this morning i was: Way too fucking tired

im afraid of: People, mostly.

i dream about: "Meatball subs; all you can eat for two dollars!"

Seriously, just having someone that I can love, who loves me back. For once.

Have You Ever…

pictured your crush naked?: Daily.

been in love: No

cried when someone died: Yes.

lied: When I was quite young I was a pathological liar, but now I hate falsehood and try to be as honest and candid as possible.

flowers or candy: If candy = chocolate, then candy; else flowers (preferably living ones planted in dirt)

scruff or clean shaven: I can pull off both, but the latter seems to get better feedback.

tall or short: I'm on the tall end of average, around 192 cm. I seem to prefer smaller ladies though.


With The Opposite Sex…

what do you notice first?: Eyes/lips/teeth

last person you slow danced with: No idea, as it was probably over a decade ago.

worst question to ask: I'm not to sure about this one. Either way, people generally don't ask me about myself-- which is why I like surveys

Who…

makes you laugh the most?: My best friend's wife. She's an absolute riot.

makes you smile: My crush.

gives you a funny feeling when you see them: See above.

is easier talk to: boys or girls?: Depends.

Do You Ever…

sit on the internet waiting for someone special to IM you?: No. Sitting on the internet should be its own reward.

save AIM conversations?: Is saved by default by my IM client

wish you were a member of the opposite sex?: If it could be done reversibly (and completely, rather than current gender reassignment), in a second. If it was one way but 100%, probably.

cry because of something someone has said: Not cry, but I can get upset pretty easily at times.

pray?: Not since I didn't get that Lamborghini in 4th grade.

Have You Ever…

fallen for your best friend?: Nope.

rejected someone: Once. She was a creeper, and a fundie.

cheated on someone: No, and I never would.

been cheated on: Yes

done something you regretted: Of course. Nearly daily.

wanted to die: Yup.

Who Was The Last Person…

you talked to on the phone: My mum I think. I avoid phones like the plague, and generally stick to texting.

hugged: Best friend's wife.

you instant messaged: Don't recall; I don't use IM all that much, unless texting counts.

you laughed with: A circle of close friends, including my Best Friend's Wife.

Do You…

color your hair: Normally no. But I'm doing a hair modelling gig at a trade show this weekend, which involved getting a (free) very expensive dye job. The last time that I dyed it before that was probably 1998.

ever get off the computer: When I'm not at work or home, or when I'm asleep. Otherwise I'll at least have it on to play music (monitor off of course).

habla espanol: Non, mais je parle Francais.

sprechen sie deutsches: Eine kliene bissien.

fight with your parents: Not really, although I do ration my time with them.

have friends you’ve lost touch with: Of course

feel happy?: I have my moments. Right now, not really.

wish you could fly away.. far, far away?: Yes. I'm mulling over selling my place and disappearing for six months.

believe in God?: No

could you live without the computer?: Yes, but I'd have a tough time communicating with people.

what’s your favorite candy?: Chocolate of any form, as long as it is of decent quality.

whats your favorite fruit?: Fresh pineapple

sunrise or sunset?: Sunrise is hopeful, sunset is peaceful/mournful. Both are of equal beauty.

what hurts the most? Emotional.

trust others way too easily?: Generally not, although I let people hurt me too easily.

are your fingers cold?: Generally not.

coke or pepsi: Neither. I haven't had any of that toxic filth for years.

Final Questions…

I want: something?

I wish: I had better social facility.

I love: Cooking, reading, learning, relaxation, music, art, and life.

I miss: Feeling connected to people.

I fear: Covered above, like the second question. Who wrote this survey?

I hear: My computer fan, and the upstairs neighbours having guests over.

I smell: Very little. My sense of smell, while recovering somewhat, is still pretty weak.

I wonder: If I'll ever feel comfortable.

Poping 5 tylenol#3's as soon as i get out of bed just to ward off the junk WD and the fact that i can barely fucking walk my leg hurts so bad. That was the last of the codeine i had now all i have left is lousy tramadol. Which ive taken 300mg's of today.

Still breathing zopiclone fumes from last night i eat 250mg's of lyrica and 1200mg's of gabapentin to cut the cravings for alcohol and to calm me down. The 8mg's of clonazepam helps as well. I may eat more tramadol later on because i shouldnt have a seizure with the meds im on.

My brain is scrambled from the mix of downers im on and right now that is a good thing. Im not feeling too sick and certainly not as bad as expected. As long as i can keep my nerves down im alright.

Fuck i wish it was thursday or friday so i could get my morphine. Fucking hell thats seems like a long way away.

Today is Saturday, June 26th, 2010 and it is now 847 AM here in Makati, Luzon, in the Philippines.

To recap, I was back in the family compound in San Franz, Mindanao, and seeing Col. Carlos Lademora...

I had said in my last entry that he and I were "relieved," that we had escaped attention after the "Maguindanao Massacre." As I had briefly mentioned, the "Massacre" took place at the hands of a pro-government paramilitary.

After it happened there was a lot of public sentiment demanding the dissolution of all official paramilitaries. There was also A LOT of attention paid to alleged misdeeds committed by these paramilitaries.

The Philippines has ALWAYS been a nation of "warl-rds" and little fifedoms. The central government in Manila offers tremendous latitude as long as it gets the votes it desires come election time.

The paramilitary in the "Massacre" was the Ampatuan family's and consisted of CVO (Civilian Volunteer Organisations). CVOs are usually found in Muslim majority areas and they service LGUs (Local Government Units), meaning Barangay, Town/City and Province.

Normally they are outfitted with M1 Garands which are pretty useless in today's world but that is how it is. Applicants who join a CVO get almost 2,700 Pesos a month (about 57 US), and 45 days military training, at least on paper.

They only serve in the community to which their particular CVO is attached. The equivalent in non-Muslim areas like mine is a CAFGU (Kaf-Goo), meaning "Civilain Auxilary Force Geographical Unit.

I have spoken in past entries about my nascent paramilitary, and that it s a type known as "CAFGU-SS." The actual label is, "SSCA," (Special CAFGU Active Auxilaries).

CAFGUs and CVOs are paid for by the government and armed at the government's discretion, ergo crappy rifles and shitty training. SS though are created by landholders and businessmen. We fund it, we arm it, or rather we tell the government what to order for us since it has to go through their end user certificates (difficult ordering up 400 AR15s from the US, to the Philippines, without it).

We can train them ourselves if we choose though they try to get us to put them through the government's 45 days training for quasi-reservists.

So, after the "Massacre" there was serious talk over re-vamping the entire system but the government knows this is impossible to do. They created a stupid commission with no teeth, to identify, list and then demobilise "private" paramilitaries but what this translated into was nothing but a few newspaper blurbs.

In fact, before I continue, I should offer some more details about how Jackie and I actually met. As I said in past entires it happened at the military base Jackie was born and raised on, the same base she was living on when we met.

My section of Mindanao is the Eastern half of the island, ergo "EASTMINCOM" (Eastern Mindanao Command). EASTMINCOM has 2 AFP (Armed Forces of the Philippines) Army Divisions, the 4th and the 10th.

My village, or town, borders the 4th and 10th, though our compound falls within the 4th. Jackie's base is the 4th Division's main base.

When Col Lademora put the bug in my ear about forming my own SS (he has his own and the idea is to buil mine sufficiently and then fold them into each other and create quite a formidable force), he introduced me to the 4ths CO, Major General Mario Chan, at his office on that base, Camp Edilberto Evangelista.

General Chan put me in touch with 2 Lt.Cols., COs of 2 different Battalions, the 23rd and 29th (in the 402nd Brigade), directly. The Philippine military is quite different from any I have ever known. Normally he would have introduced me to the Brigade CO but in this case it took the form of a 5 minute phone call, a courtesy call if you will, informing him that he was hooking me up with the 2 Battalion COs.

2 days later the LT Col of the 23rd met me for lunch in San Franz and then took me to Esperanza, a small town in my province that I have mentioned in past entries since we have an important rice broker of ours doing business up there.

Esperanza is not like San Franz. Our town is locked up tight, it is the home of the Ilaga Movement,a pro-government movement that I have talked about before. Ergo, the NPA (Maoist Insurgency) leaves us totally alone, excepting 1 offencive about 18 months ago when most of the town had become refugees, but I am meandering too much.

Esperanza on the other hand is in deep conflict. From barangay to barangay (neighbourhood to neighbourhood) one can find the NPA ruling with a shadow/parallel government, or one can find pro-government paramilitaries holding strong.

Esperanza is one of 3 "capitals" of the Higaon-on Hilltribe, Jackie's father's tribe. Like "indigenous" Peoples the world over Hilltribes are caught in a deadly game of cat and mouse (don't I sound so very trite using that "cat and mouse" shtick?).

The 23rd IB, whose CO was chauffering me around, is the point unit for a pro-government paramilitary known as the "BLA" (Bungkatol Liberation Army), the armed wing of a political movement known as "BULIF."

BULIF seeks to gain much more autonomy for the Higao-on, though at this point not to secede.

When I got involved the organisation was at its germination, just coalescing. I admired the foresight of the 4th ID to seize the iniative and turn what could have been yet another seccessionist organisation into pro-government force.

The word "Bungkatol" basically translates into English as, "The true and earnest laws and customs of our tribal elders." They wanted to avoid being used by the NPA, but at the same time they agreed with the NPA that the government's COIN (Counter-Insurgency) protocols were not serving the needs of the Hilltribesmen.

I will continue in yet another post because of the wonderful character count.

(Edited for spelling)

Hey all, was and am prescribed oxycodone 30mg=40mg and have been taking religiously for years. Now I'm thinking of trying to get off them for awhile so they will actually help my pain again! my tolerance has grown so high my recommended dose does anything, and im not sure there is anything higher then this ? any ideas on how to taper my dosage and make my withdrawal as comfortable as possible (although I know it will be hell no matter what)!! please help me through this, or any alternative ideas to get me to feel the meds again withOUT having to stop them would be amazing! Thanks in advance guys. Hope to make bluelighter within the next day or two! woohoooo!! :D

Well, there was a huge mix up of dates, perfect timing 8) Thursday is the viewing and friday is the buriel.

Earthquake talk -- Its rediculous, it was very minor considering. Though I am sure people not used to it would be a little rattled. i don't think it warrented all the news time it took up. I felt it here in Toronto. It rattled my house like a rag doll but nothing got knocked down just alot of shaking and TV almost got knocked down.

My brother lives on the 2nd floor and he never felt it and my brother was driving into hamilton right after it ended and felt nothing.

My daughter felt nothing on her 2nd floor classroom.

I was on the 2nd floor when it happened and I felt it. i dunno why some did and some didnt. weird.

Thats all on that.

Won't be online for a couple days, maybe more, I dunno.

Hope all is well around the world.

I just found out at 3pm that my dad died sometime between 11am - 2pm. He died in his sleep from a heart attack, we initally thought it was his ulcer and we didn't even know he had heart issues besides a slightly elevated blood pressure.

He was only 63 years old. His mother died the same way, after having her 3rd stroke. His mother died though at 84yrs old, his father died when he was 53yrs old of Cancer.

His viewings are Wed, Thurs, Fri of this week. I don't know how I'll even go. I mean I will go, but I don't think I will be able to "say goodbye" at the casket.

My family and I were never uber close but my parents and I were close enough. They had their issues but I knew my dad loved me and that he adored my mom.

My parents would have been married 30 years next month (or was it August? i forget) and have been together about 35 years.

I always told myself that i wouldn't cry if my parents died because in my head i "expected" it because of their drug habbit and their already poor health.

I kinda expected my brother or mother to die first, not being mean but they are in the poorest of health. My brother has Hepatitus C and bad kidneys, smokes and does pills and drugs of all kind. My mother has Epilepsy, and just over all bad health.

I got the call just before I was supposed to pick up my son from school. Thought it was him getting back to me after I called at 1:30pm. I was just about to say, "Hey no-mind what's up?" an inside joke we always kidded about when we talked but then I heard my brother's voice and my husband saying, "WHAT?!".... so I was like, "Uh, hello?" and my brother told me. Needless to say, I had to hang up for an hour to get my stuff together before I could talk to anyone.

Its been a long day.....

To top it off my ex-MIL had the nerve to bitch at my husband when he called to ask her to pick up my daughter from school... "Why couldn't you call sooner?!" she yelled at him...

Well pardon me bitch if I didn't know my dad died until 3pm, next time he dies I'll ask him to send a memo ahead of time to not inconvience your beer binge.... is what I wanted to say but i kept my mouth shut.

To top it off my son has been acting up all day, more so than normal. Just being outright bad. Telling everyone that he wishes they would die just because they won't give him things or they make him mad...

I got a headache

First note on blog.

Received?

I wake up in the backseat of the Jeep somewhere along highway 75 in the darkness, barreling down the asphalted two laned road at 70, 80 miles per hour and looking out of the window of the door which I had been leaning my head against, which is open a crack, wind rushing in making a steady unbroken wooshing noise and I close it instinctively, notice nobody else around at all, no headlights, no nothing and then sit up straight, unbelted, the green army blanket wrapped around me in a way that I know somebody else had placed it on me while I slept. The radio is off but the red and blue glow of letters and numbers coming from the dashboard illuminate her face enough for me to see and she's smiling, her lips moving slightly not making any noise, not saying anything, singing to herself. Why didn't you wake me up, I ask her, already knowing what she's going to say. Because you were tired. I'm okay up here, i'm a better driver than you think I am. And she knows what i'm going to say. That isn't the point, alluding to the slight issue of her lack of a drivers license, something she has never really given a shit about but has plagued me with anxiety whenever she is behind the wheel, especially in a state I know nothing about, miles away from home on the other end of the country. I reach underneath the passengers seat and pat around for my father's flask, bring it up underneath the blanket and unscrew the top, trying not to make any noise, put it to my lips and drink whatever is left of the cheap bourbon I put in somewhere in North Carolina in the bathroom of the dimly lit truck stop with holes in the wall.

We can stay at Dale Hollow for the night, if you want. I have an aunt who has a house boat there, she tells me but I don't believe her. It's just a few more exits down. I tell her to pull over, I have to take a piss but she's ready with the empty gatorade bottle telling me, here, use this. It's too late to lie and tell her I have to shit too, she'll know, so I just grab the bottle and tell her thanks, trying to think of any other excuse I can to get her to pull the car over but I don't have anything and so I sit back, wish I wasn't out of bourbon in the backseat of my Jeep in the middle of the night in the woods of Tennessee going somewhere, way too fast, where I definitely don't want to be.

Sit down everyone. It turns out, apparently, that Mephedrone and Methylene are not plant feeder!!. I did tell you to sit down.
Apparently they are similar to cocaine and MDMA. These two drugs being very similar. In a blind test you can't tell the difference.
I wonder if one day people who make up the rules will actually know something about drugs?
Discuss

Well I went to the "viewing" today. I finally saw my dad. He looked weird, the embalming made his face look so fat and poofy and they had plastic under his clothes, so anytime anyone touched him you could hear it.
My mom made sure he was wearing his favorite clothes, though as taboo as it might sound. He'll be buried in his favorite clothes (a cotton t-shirt & Jeans). He had bruises all over his face and hands from the EMTs that I am sure would have been worse without the make-up caking.
I checked out his bald spot out of curiosity to see what the "true" colouring was, it's the whitest I'd seen any part of him.
I put one of my son's toys in, and my brother put some momentos in.

Freaky thing happened though. We were talking in the front pew on the right about silly, fun, and just memories of my dad and other family members when out of nowhere a candle that was by his head went flying and landed by the front pew on the left...... the casket was 6+ feet away. It freaked us out completely.

Though I am sure my dad is pissing himself laughing where ever he ended up. He had that kind of wry humour.

He gets buried tomorrow, there is going to be a ton of people there tomorrow -- my anxiety is going to be out there.

Weird thing is, most people when at a furneral their bodies (the dead i mean) have a pout/frown... my dad had a wry grin, like he knew something we didn't and his last little thing to give us was that wry grin...

I got a headache....

Well, yeah... on friday, after I got done from work I went to the city and picked up 5 bags of coke (roughly 2.5 grams) and a dime of weed. I'm pretty sure I had a six pack as well.

Anyway, I actually FORCED myself to get high. True, I already had a fresh box of spikes in my closet but the effort to get the drugs took a lot of sheer force. Everything inside me screamed not to do it. I KNEW I was throwing a lot of HARD work away but I said fuck it and took the drive down and copped.

So, on Saturday I went to the city again and picked up another 5 bags and on Sunday I picked up 7 bags.

Now its Monday. I called off work today to 'recover' but I mostly lay in bed unable to sleep but unwilling to even venture into the living room (too much effort). Thoughts of suicide came back, familiar feelings that I had made significant strides in placing behind me all came back. In force.

I'm not sittin' here crying. I'm kinda just afraid. I picked up a bottle of vodka a few minutes ago and it pisses me off. Am I back into this thing again? Alcohol makes it easier to make impulsive decisions like driving to the city for 'just one more'. I hope I can follow through and be clean tomorrow. I can't get back into the grips of this again. It was only supposed to be one night.

When did feeling good stop feeling good?

Little girl on daddy's knee
playing horsie with a smile so bright
hugs and kisses before she says goodnight
"goodnight baby, you sleep well."

Little girl not so little anymore
not quite a woman but not still a girl
"don't worry daddy i'll be just fine,
dont look at him that way daddy, it's not that bad".

little girl is all grown up, she's a mommy herself
little boy sitting on grandpa's knee
little boy with smile so bright
"more papa, i like horsie!".

old man laying down still
out of breathe and tired as can be
old man bones and old man aches
"it's okay daddy have a rest, its okay daddy we'll talk again in a few days".

old man becomes young again
his old bones and old man aches are gone
he's happy and smiling again
Rockin' to Jimi Hendrix again.

shed no tear that's not what he wants
be not sad that's not how he rolled
have a beer, have a toke, have a smile, stay awhile
celebrate and have memory, cause that's just how it has to be.

Grown woman walks up to her dad,
hugs and kisses before bed,
"Goodnight daddy, I hope you sleep well. Good night daddy, Rest in Peace."

So here I am 21 years old, no insurance of any kind, I have a fractured eye socket (cant really tell thought unless you felt my face) and an elbow that needs to be operated on. & No money other than the cash that goes to managing my chronic pain.

I no longer have a job (had to quit after wrecking my car in a hospital induced lack of sleep/benzo/barbiturate/opioid haze in another state), all my money (all I can scrape up selling benzos) goes to internet pharmacies to buy codeine & dihydrocodeine. Im starting to lose hope.

Ever since I was little my mind has been filled with constant traumatic events; too many to mention. And on top of the constant trauma in the back of my mind about where Im @, how I got here, and my most recent series of traumatic events (again too much to mention) nothing seems to be getting better no matter how hard I try to break through this cycle of nothingness.

I've fucked up college, and am in over 5000 dollars in debt due to having no medical insurance without my knowledge (I was dropped off my dads plan without notice after the wreck).

The only time I feel truely content with the life I lead is when I get cash in my hand (illegally) & am in an opioid induced haze. All my friends and family see nothing in me & I don't have the money to make something with my life without risking my freedom. I have no family in America on my moms side and my dads side has written me off for continuous failed drug tests and refuses to speak to me. All I've ever wanted was to feel a part of something; to have a family to co me crawling back to when all hope is lost; but no. I really try hard every day to see the light @ the end of the tunnel and be happy, somedays it works but most days it doesnt.

Me and my sis used to be close but now shes off exceeding me in college and is going to be a very successfull woman.

I really don't know what the fuck to do. I have a criminal record that was supposed to be expunged after completion of probation (charged as an adult @ 16 for marijuana cultivation & carrying a knife within legal length and drug paraphenalia). I was on ADHD meds (amphetamines to the max) & ritalin (methylphenidate) since I was 6 & from what I've read in medical literature, permanent damage can be caused by constantly being doped up as a developing child; especially when all you come home to is violent alcoholic outbursts.

I dont use this forum often but I cant keep talking to my mom about my problems, she has enough of her own with her ex husband who is a emotionless alcoholic. I just felt like venting. Thanks for reading.

Today is Tiesday, June 22nd, 2010 and it is now 1001AM here in Quezon City, Luzon, Philippines.

To recap, I was at Rizza's family compound, on Mindanao and Col. Lademora, a mentor of mine had just summoned me to come to his house via his son, the Mayor.

I asked the Mayor if he was heading over to his father's house and he said he was actually going in the opposite direction to Lianga, across the provincial line in Surigao del Sur, to buy some fish.

Our province is landlocked, though the next municipality to the east, Lianga, in the afore mentioned next province, is a coastal town. I have explained the Philippine's unique municipal structures in the past but since I love repeating myself ad naseum, I will tell it again.

In rural areas the most basic unit is the "Sitio," a clump of houses. If you are an American, picture yourself on a rural road, you see a group of 4 or 5 houses clustered on a farm, that is the equivalent.

Next is the "Purok." A Purok is a grouping of sitios, in general vicinity to one another though if this demarcation serves a purpose it escapes me and every Filipino I have ever asked about it.

Next, you have the "Barangay." The rule of thumb is that 2 puroks make 1 barangay but it rarely if ever happens like that. A barangay is equivalent to a "village." The rule of thumb is less than 100 families per barangay but this is also something rarely adhered to.

Then you have the "Town." No matter how big the municipality is, it is a "town" unless it generates a set amounf of income at which point it is chartered as a "City."

So, if you are travelling through the countryside here you can pass through 30 villages and still be in the same town. Between each village can be kilometers and kilometers of thick jungle and these 30 villages can take 100 kilometers all told but still be in the same town.

You can be in a town with 90,000 people, and it is still a town, or be in a municipality with 20,000 and be in a "city."

It takes some getting used to.

Each town has a Barangay named "Poblacion," and this denotes the "downtown shopping district" of a municipality. Mayor Lademora was going to Lianga's Poblacion because that is where one goes, in our area, if they want seafood and Bisayans eat seafood everyday if they can afford it. We generally have it for 2 meals a day, sometimes all 3.

IF you like fish you will love Mindanao or for that matter, most anywhere outside of Manila though you can find it there as well, just more difficult and a tad bit more expensive.

On Mindanao Bisaya won't eat freshwater fish if they can afford not too, though some make an exception for "Bangus." Bangus is about a kilo on average, it is butterflied, seasoned very heavily, and dried. They are sold on roadsides in huge piles. Luckily for me, Rizza's family will not go near it.

For me, not a huge seafood fan, I had to adjust my diet in 2007. Mom was so caring, Dad as well, always worried because I would not eat the fish they were serving so they would send a servant out to buy me a meat dish 2 times a day, and my requisite 1 liter bottle of soda. They all drink cold water but I had grown spoiled in recent years.

The soda here is decent because they come in glass bottles, something the West stopped years ago. Sprite, or a brand called "Royal Orange," but the price is almost what it would cost in the US, rendering it a rich man's beverage.

I ended up adapting and today, even though I have spent a good deal of tme back in the States since 2008, I truly enjoy Red Snapper which they call "Lapu Lapu"in Bisaya.

A funny joke with a bit of history: Those of you with even a faint grasp of history might remember that the man credited with circumventing the planet 1st was , in English, "Ferdinand Magellan." Some may also remember that when Magellan came to the Philippines he ran into a bit of bad luck.

On Mactan Island, an atoll just off of Cebu, where Cebu City is now, the Chief refused to convert and accept that Magellan, in his wooden ship was now claiming to own the land (in the name of some far away king).

Magellan decided to teach the man a lesson. The ship sat out a bit because of coral reefs but Magellan and his landing party waded into shore.They snuck up to the obstinate chief and set his village on fire.

The warriors of course were livid. Magellan had given an order to his artillerymen to fire their cannons at the beach if they saw things getting dangerously tense. Well, things were way past "tense." The problem however was that the ship sat out way too far to make any kind of threatining impression. Magellan took a poison arrow to the leg and his men promptly withdrew, throroughly routed.

Most historians claim that Megalln turned and faced the tribe of "thousands of warriors" to give his men time to wade out to the ship bust other historians find that just a bit too pat ad entirely counter-intuitive to boot. In any regard Magellan kicked the bucket.

The chief? His name was...LAPU LAPU.

Now the joke: "Who killed Lapu Lapu?"

The answer most anyone shouts out is "Magellan" though it was Magellan who was killed by Lapu Lapu, not the converse.

The punchline to the joke though:

Who killed Lapu Lapu? THE CHEF hahahahahahahah!

So...I took the Sportage (*Kia SUV) and drove to Col Lademora's home. We were both thankful that we escaped unscathed after the "Maguindanao Massacre," the event that I wrote about both here and in a CE and P Forum.

Basically, to recap...On 11/23/2009 a Vice Mayor in Maguindanao Province decided that he would defy a local warl-rd and run against him for Governor of the province.

After being warned many times to back down he sent his wife, 2 of his sisters, a group of attorneys and 32 journalists in a convoy of SUVs for a 30 km. trip to the provincial capital of Sharif Aguak. Their purpose in going there was to file the vice mayor's Certificate of Candidacy for the May 10th, 2010 Elections.

Upon entering the town of Ampatuan they were stopped at a police checkpoint, along with 2 unrelated SUVs who had cut into the convoy by passing the last vehicle.

The Governor's son, leading the family paramilitary with at least 100 guerillas all fully armed were waiting at a police checkpoint..

Raping the women, they then commanderred the vehicles and drove 2 km. into the bush, up to a hill overlooking the checkpoint. there a govt. owned backhoe 9consruction machine) had gug 3 deep pits. Using a belt-fed M16 they executed at least 56 people. A 57th was hogtied and shot in the head with a 12 gauge shotgun. 3 people remain missing until now so the probable death toll was 60.

it was the single worst case of violence against journalists in history, as well as the worst single ase of Election-related violence in the Philippines where sich violence is almost mundane, expected as part of the cost of "doing business."

I will continue to explain why we were "relieved," etc.

(Edited for spelling and to add the last paragraph)