This Weekend. Maybe

I'm tired of fucking around with these feelings. This fuckin' monkey, this disappointment with others, this fucking irrational fear and lack of faith.

I think I may need to just get it over with and get a taste.

I dunno, man. This sucks. Can I use recreationally? Probably not. Will I lose a lot of shit (if not all) of what I've fought for? Yeah.

I still want a taste of good coke in my arm, regardless of the consequences.

Insanity.

Fucking insanity.

 

Once you've been an addict there's no such thing as just one more "taste". You need to stay strong and keep away from the drugs that were causing you problems. I've got my own battle going on at the moment - trying to stay off meth - so I know how you feel. Think of reasons not to use, instead of justifications to start using again.

 

yeah, it helps me to write to get shit out of my system. After a little over a week of self-centered, self-pity and a self-sabotaging inability to accept reality, I feel much better today.

I was carrying resentments around concerning other people in NA and my close-mindedness towards the concept that we are all combatting the same issues in different phases.

I was thinking how I'm surrounded by more assholes in NA than I ever encountered in my addiction. I completely neglected to consider that we are all folks that had hit the end of our road. We were fucking broken and came to NA with fractured personalities, our living skills were reduced to the animal level and we were socially retarded.

Its a long slow process rebuilding but these fractured people (like myself) are making an effort.

Of course, there will be more assholes than not. NA is a consolidation of diseased-up men and women. It ain't up to me to gauge where another person should be in their recovery regardless of how many years they have been clean.

You're absolutely right, Sweet P... its WAAAAYYYYYY easier to justify myself into using than to actually make an effort and change