I CAN'T STAND WHERE I LIVE!!
I LOATHE THIS SUBDIVISION!!
Did I mention I despise where I live????
Now don't get me wrong...I spent years and years waiting and wanting to build a brand spanking ( WTF is with that phrase- I hated spanking! And why are they "new"?) home like I grew up in. When I found out I could buy a home with NO MONEY DOWN, I thought it was a joke. After accepting it was true and given my loan approval amount, I went house hunting.That in itself is a whole other blog topic....
I wanted a house right that very minute! I couldn't wait to tell the ungrateful bitch of a landlord to fuck off and find some other sucker to fix her property and lovingly care for it like we did for nothing....
Anyway, I found a house online in a super nice neighborhood. For the asking price, we thought something must be seriously wrong with it.
Walking in, I could see why the price was low as I looked at the gold shag carpet that was installed in 1964.... no shittin'. Two layers of carpet in the orange kitchen..... furry, carpet in the bedrooms.... yes, I said fur. Neon yellow, blue and pink in 3 of the bedrooms, burnt yellow fur in the master bedroom and something else in another bedroom. But it had FIVE bedrooms!!! Two full baths!!! What the fuck?
Who cares if the colors and smoke smell was hideous? I smoked back then. Long story short, bought it, repaired it, carpeted, painted and landscaped it. We loved that house!
The school system??? Ugh!! Yet another blog topic.
I started looking into building new.. just day dreaming really, and then realized I could build new for pretty cheap!
I had a sum of $$ coming soon, all I needed was $6000 down payment for the builders to start building. That's it!
I listed my house for sale myself and sold it to the third person who saw it. Nearly 6 yrs ago, it was a seller's market. Hey! Another blog topic! Selling your old house before your new one is built! Can you say NIGHTMARE??
Anyway, it gets finished , I move in... I'm in heaven, right? WRONG. It was short lived. There was small writing in the deed about a Neighborhood Association. I was assured they're really no big deal.... It's just to keep cars on blocks out of driveways and for paiting your house with purple polka dots.
Then the board meetings started, then the dues statement started coming....$100 a yr., still not bad.
Then the cutesie newsletter started coming. NOT cute.
And then came the BITCHES. we are the 10th house out of 54 built. It's always fucking women who are responsible for association nightmares I've heard about.
Most men just don't give a shit about flowers, block parties and garage sales, right? Then the gossiping started.... the stupid-ass cliques like in grade school..."Come celebrate our deck built" parties...... Barf! Fuck off! We're all adults now!
I just want to live in my fucking house I spent years wanting. The fake ass neighbors next to me became besties with their other neighbor.... the bitch is the association treasurer, and best friends with the architectural dipshits and sucks on the toes of the head honcho of it all. They all loooooovvvvvvve cooking out together.....and have their little fires in the summer... mowing on the same day, getting the same trees, bushes, decorations, pools, patio furniture , garden boxes,, sprinklers, dog breed..... yup! The same fucking dog..and NOW matching campers.... Oh Lord.... hold my hair back for me.
I'm gonna..... I'm gonna..... I'm gon...
Ehheeeehhhhhccccckkkkk!
Vomit, puke, heave, hurl, retch, eject, project, urp up, throw up, spit up, spit out, upchuck, emit, expel, gag, heave, and regurgitate what I ate last..... and that was corn-on-the-cob (why does come out looking the same way as when it went in??? I SWEAR I chewed my corn up...at least bit it in half, didn't I? And why do I always lookat my poo antyway?
What am I expecting to find anyway....a rare gem or something?), bar-b-qued ribs that marinated all day in a delicious blend of just the right combination of mellow and bold spices and a splash of white vinegar, cooked low with the lid on tight for about 40 minutes (no peeking!), then grilled slowly, hawaiian
style shrimp skewered (what kind of word is that) ) with sticks that were soaked in water, so as not to cause a three alarm fire, cuz the asshole fuckfaces in this neighborhood would really be gossiping about that for so long, that one day, while standing in their little circle at the end of their driveways, arms crossed, animated and laughing, one of their jaws will just split their face all the way 'round to the back from flappin' their jaws so much with all their talking, talking, talking....ooh... and my famous potato salad with just a touch of smoked paprika, although I really wished I had time to hardboil and slice a couple of eggs to place on the top....it really makes for a nice presentation when you then sprinkle that awesome colored paprika over all.... ever so gently with a ranch and bacon pasta salad, and washed down with ice water.
What? I was thirsty.
Well, yesterday, I got sick and tired and tired and sick of these mother fuckin' bitches and their brown-nosing husbands (who, btw, all share their toys... lawn mowers, snow blowers, power washers, sledge hammers, chain saws.....wives) of the idiotic teenage bullshit, headgame playing, attention wanting, keeping up with the Jones', spying, scrutinizing, dumb-ass gabby, dippin'- in- my-business, prying, beady little eyes that are always staring at me and my life. So when I was sitting in MY garage, taking a break from the back breaking, tedious hard work on my own unique, flower garden designed by ME, not from some picture I just saw in the latest Better Homes and Gardens magazine while in the waiting room of my OBGYN where I'm going to spread my legs and stick my heels in some sheep-skin covered stirrups while he talks me through my yearly exam that is now actually 1 2/3 years since I was told I should go......
Who starts talking to the buttwad that's at the very top of my "I- want- to-rip- out- your- testicals- quickly-for- my- sake-but-in- slow- motion- for -your sake big, fresh, fly infested pile of dog shit list??
"Dog lady's" husband in the flesh! I can't stand that bitch the most. She ecalls the cops on people who blow off fire works cuz her four Golden's are pussies. Too fucking bad. Take the stick out your ass and enjoy this one life you were given. Her husband and Buttwad seem to be best buds now. Hmmmmmm. When did that happen? They must have conversed with one another the other day when my neighbor, who will be known as Buttwad from here on in, was in shock when his family returned from wherever their little family went on vacation. See, Buttwad one-upped me last year when I planted a flower garden between my house and his against the fence WE paid for that Buttwad sucks every free ounce of benefits he can from. Along the ONE panel he paid for to join our fence to his house, he and wifey planted within one inch of our side for probably the whole time we were on vacation last year, and continued the theme to the front of their house. Buttwad then planted a young, floweirng tree of some sort that is a whole 2 inches from the actual lot line, where OUR fence distinguishes our lots. Well two can play that fucking game, Buttwad!
Not only was he in shock over my rock garden, but I planted bushes two inches from the lot line.
Take THAT Buttwad!!
I can't wait to move!!!
And if one more nosey ass person in this subdivision tries to peek in my back yard ONE MORE TIME, I'm gonna drop my bikini top.
Oh sure, the men will love it...but they have to live with the bitches tha made this subdivision suck. At least they'll think twice before spying on me again.
I LOATHE THIS SUBDIVISION!!
Did I mention I despise where I live????
Now don't get me wrong...I spent years and years waiting and wanting to build a brand spanking ( WTF is with that phrase- I hated spanking! And why are they "new"?) home like I grew up in. When I found out I could buy a home with NO MONEY DOWN, I thought it was a joke. After accepting it was true and given my loan approval amount, I went house hunting.That in itself is a whole other blog topic....
I wanted a house right that very minute! I couldn't wait to tell the ungrateful bitch of a landlord to fuck off and find some other sucker to fix her property and lovingly care for it like we did for nothing....
Anyway, I found a house online in a super nice neighborhood. For the asking price, we thought something must be seriously wrong with it.
Walking in, I could see why the price was low as I looked at the gold shag carpet that was installed in 1964.... no shittin'. Two layers of carpet in the orange kitchen..... furry, carpet in the bedrooms.... yes, I said fur. Neon yellow, blue and pink in 3 of the bedrooms, burnt yellow fur in the master bedroom and something else in another bedroom. But it had FIVE bedrooms!!! Two full baths!!! What the fuck?
Who cares if the colors and smoke smell was hideous? I smoked back then. Long story short, bought it, repaired it, carpeted, painted and landscaped it. We loved that house!
The school system??? Ugh!! Yet another blog topic.
I started looking into building new.. just day dreaming really, and then realized I could build new for pretty cheap!
I had a sum of $$ coming soon, all I needed was $6000 down payment for the builders to start building. That's it!
I listed my house for sale myself and sold it to the third person who saw it. Nearly 6 yrs ago, it was a seller's market. Hey! Another blog topic! Selling your old house before your new one is built! Can you say NIGHTMARE??
Anyway, it gets finished , I move in... I'm in heaven, right? WRONG. It was short lived. There was small writing in the deed about a Neighborhood Association. I was assured they're really no big deal.... It's just to keep cars on blocks out of driveways and for paiting your house with purple polka dots.
Then the board meetings started, then the dues statement started coming....$100 a yr., still not bad.
Then the cutesie newsletter started coming. NOT cute.
And then came the BITCHES. we are the 10th house out of 54 built. It's always fucking women who are responsible for association nightmares I've heard about.
Most men just don't give a shit about flowers, block parties and garage sales, right? Then the gossiping started.... the stupid-ass cliques like in grade school..."Come celebrate our deck built" parties...... Barf! Fuck off! We're all adults now!
I just want to live in my fucking house I spent years wanting. The fake ass neighbors next to me became besties with their other neighbor.... the bitch is the association treasurer, and best friends with the architectural dipshits and sucks on the toes of the head honcho of it all. They all loooooovvvvvvve cooking out together.....and have their little fires in the summer... mowing on the same day, getting the same trees, bushes, decorations, pools, patio furniture , garden boxes,, sprinklers, dog breed..... yup! The same fucking dog..and NOW matching campers.... Oh Lord.... hold my hair back for me.
I'm gonna..... I'm gonna..... I'm gon...
Ehheeeehhhhhccccckkkkk!
Vomit, puke, heave, hurl, retch, eject, project, urp up, throw up, spit up, spit out, upchuck, emit, expel, gag, heave, and regurgitate what I ate last..... and that was corn-on-the-cob (why does come out looking the same way as when it went in??? I SWEAR I chewed my corn up...at least bit it in half, didn't I? And why do I always lookat my poo antyway?
What am I expecting to find anyway....a rare gem or something?), bar-b-qued ribs that marinated all day in a delicious blend of just the right combination of mellow and bold spices and a splash of white vinegar, cooked low with the lid on tight for about 40 minutes (no peeking!), then grilled slowly, hawaiian
style shrimp skewered (what kind of word is that) ) with sticks that were soaked in water, so as not to cause a three alarm fire, cuz the asshole fuckfaces in this neighborhood would really be gossiping about that for so long, that one day, while standing in their little circle at the end of their driveways, arms crossed, animated and laughing, one of their jaws will just split their face all the way 'round to the back from flappin' their jaws so much with all their talking, talking, talking....ooh... and my famous potato salad with just a touch of smoked paprika, although I really wished I had time to hardboil and slice a couple of eggs to place on the top....it really makes for a nice presentation when you then sprinkle that awesome colored paprika over all.... ever so gently with a ranch and bacon pasta salad, and washed down with ice water.
What? I was thirsty.
Well, yesterday, I got sick and tired and tired and sick of these mother fuckin' bitches and their brown-nosing husbands (who, btw, all share their toys... lawn mowers, snow blowers, power washers, sledge hammers, chain saws.....wives) of the idiotic teenage bullshit, headgame playing, attention wanting, keeping up with the Jones', spying, scrutinizing, dumb-ass gabby, dippin'- in- my-business, prying, beady little eyes that are always staring at me and my life. So when I was sitting in MY garage, taking a break from the back breaking, tedious hard work on my own unique, flower garden designed by ME, not from some picture I just saw in the latest Better Homes and Gardens magazine while in the waiting room of my OBGYN where I'm going to spread my legs and stick my heels in some sheep-skin covered stirrups while he talks me through my yearly exam that is now actually 1 2/3 years since I was told I should go......
Who starts talking to the buttwad that's at the very top of my "I- want- to-rip- out- your- testicals- quickly-for- my- sake-but-in- slow- motion- for -your sake big, fresh, fly infested pile of dog shit list??
"Dog lady's" husband in the flesh! I can't stand that bitch the most. She ecalls the cops on people who blow off fire works cuz her four Golden's are pussies. Too fucking bad. Take the stick out your ass and enjoy this one life you were given. Her husband and Buttwad seem to be best buds now. Hmmmmmm. When did that happen? They must have conversed with one another the other day when my neighbor, who will be known as Buttwad from here on in, was in shock when his family returned from wherever their little family went on vacation. See, Buttwad one-upped me last year when I planted a flower garden between my house and his against the fence WE paid for that Buttwad sucks every free ounce of benefits he can from. Along the ONE panel he paid for to join our fence to his house, he and wifey planted within one inch of our side for probably the whole time we were on vacation last year, and continued the theme to the front of their house. Buttwad then planted a young, floweirng tree of some sort that is a whole 2 inches from the actual lot line, where OUR fence distinguishes our lots. Well two can play that fucking game, Buttwad!
Not only was he in shock over my rock garden, but I planted bushes two inches from the lot line.
Take THAT Buttwad!!
I can't wait to move!!!
And if one more nosey ass person in this subdivision tries to peek in my back yard ONE MORE TIME, I'm gonna drop my bikini top.
Oh sure, the men will love it...but they have to live with the bitches tha made this subdivision suck. At least they'll think twice before spying on me again.