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I just had the most amazing night of my life. I got to meet, talk to, get numbers, take pics with, etc. my favorite dirtbiking team... the event was amazing... I had sooo much fun while I was there lol I didn't want to leave!!

But the second I got in my car and drove away, I got depressed. I called everyone I knew, because I knew being by myself tonight would be a bad idea, and either no one had a place to chill, they didn't pick up their phones, or they straight up said they didn't want to chill because they were busy. I got turned down for sex twice. Now I'm sitting at home, alone, depressed as fuck and double fisting wine and beer.

There is something wrong with me. How is it that I can have the most amazing night of my life, hell I can get famous athletes' numbers and get invited to after parties and shit, I have all this amazing stuff going on for me... and yet here I am, drinking by myself and crying my fucking eyes out.

This depression is getting worse. I can't deal with the emotional pain without pills or alcohol anymore. It's too much. Sometimes I think that if I died tomorrow, no one would realize it. I need a certain person back in my life so bad... I need him more than ever... he made me happy, no matter what kind of bullshit was going down, even when I was raped, he made everything better... he made sticking it out worth it... in fact, he's the only reason I stayed there as long as I did... and now he's never coming back. I keep thinking of how much happier I would be if I could just walk three doors down to his room, knock on the door, and throw back some brews and play Guitar Hero.

But all of that is gone. I feel like something inside of me is dying. I'm getting more and more depressed every day. This is bad. I don't understand how I could have such an amazing night, and then come home and cry. I don't really understand why I'm so sad.

I don't get it.

I don't think everyone who's had an addiction problem needs to be fully abstinent from all drugs/alcohol for the rest of their lives. All addictions are different depending on the substance and person. Just cuz I did way too much Xanax for years does not mean I am an alcoholic. Just cuz I was doing too much speed so I could make more money at my job at the time, and cuz I couldn't handle other things better, does not mean it'll happen that way again.

I mean, because it won't.

Who'll believe that, but I know it's true.

They always say shit like you can judge someone based on their past behavior. And like, people don't change, blah blah.

But some people DO totally change, like, for real. I mean, our body chemistry can change, biologically we change, mentally we change.

I hate how some people get so stuck with their sayings and mantras and beliefs they can't think outside of them, but they THINK they are so open-minded. And they aren't.

UGH. OK. ENOUGH.

(OOH, the new DJ set I'm listening to just got really good. Damn I love Tidy Trax. I don't think THAT will ever change. Loved them from the first note I heard like 10 years ago... I may be 85 and still bouncing to Andy Farley...)

Anyone ever do meth while rolling?

It was HORRIBLE. I mean, not like death horrible, but it ruined a great roll (with GHB might I add, my favorite combo in the universe) for 30 minutes and I turned mean and achy and irritable and, NOT ecstatic. Theoretically meth SHOULD work OK with MDMA, I mean, both stimulants, one works on serotonin, one on dopamine, and E is often cut with meth, so they should complement each other. but I realize, no, they don't, not for me.

Then I knew at the moment: I am a ROLLER at heart. I am NOT a tweaker. I don't LIKE the meth "high." I like being not fatigued all day, and not stuck in bed cuz of my back injury, and not over-eating due to another med i am on or boredom... But I don't like... TWEAKING.

Cuz I spent too much time on that level, and I was bonkers and it was not fun.

Anyway, just my stream of consciousness... (and yes, I used to write/rant on like this WAY before I ever tried a drug or drank. So it's not drug speak, it's me, whether I like it or not, LOL.)

... is that, when you DON'T have awesome crystal, but just got semi sorta so-so kinda OK crystal (like, not dirty or full of nasty ephedra fillers and not making you sick or anything) is that you don't DO IT ALL SO FAST... it's just mediocre but it WORKS, so I am not stuck in bed half the day and I'm losing that horrid weight i gained from a med last year (GOD really, 40 lbs in 3 months, like anyone would get on speed to lose some of that fast... long story, won't rehash it).

I've been using for 6 years (not counting MDMA, which has been for 10 years but haven't done it in 2 years, and getting not great MDMA is NOT a good thing AT ALL though, ever, ever, ever.) And not counting Xanax or other benzos, which I pretty much ate like candy for about 8 years... now I just am prescribed a normal amount every month.

I actually enjoy NOT getting "tweaky" and shit, I kinda just feel, well, NORMAL when I have speed that isn't TOO good to make me wanna clean my house at 4 a.m. or stay up 10 days. And then I don't want to keep doing it all the time, cuz I'm just tired of it faster.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to keep spending what little $ i have on low-quality shit, but I have to see the good side of it. When it's like this, I feel like it's medication, not a party in a bag.

I got a little carried away....

Ultra Personal Survey - Deep survey for the bored soul


001. What is Your Name? SoCalGirl
002. How old are you? 34
003. What is the link to your website, blog, or myspace? Not telling
004. Height 5'5"
005. Weight: 119
006. Location: Torrance, CA

The first time...
007. You had sex? 19
008. You had oral sex? 16
009. The age you started puberty? 11

The last time...
010. You masturbated? weeks ago
011. You took a shower? today
012. You kissed someone? who? a week ago, my ex
013. You saw someone else naked? who? two days ago, a guy
014. You played truth or dare? long time ago
015. What was the worst dare you ever had to do? a TV reality show fake date
016. What was the worst dare you ever witnessed some one do? ?

Random:
017. What are you wearing? sweats
018. Are you single? yes
019. How many relationships have you had? many
020. How many of them were sexual? many many
021. If you could change on thing about yourself what would it be? That I hadn't been so crazy
022. What kind/brand of underwear are you wearing? Joe Boxer Thongs
023. Have you ever had a one night stand? yes
024. Are you happy with your looks? yes

The URL link to this survey is:
http://tjshome.com/survey/takesurvey.php?id=335.


Sorry ya'll, thanks for putting up with me!!! %)

Well, I'm not ranting about shit right now, but actually am looking for any DJs/producers, etc. of any genre and experience-level, who want to take a crack at remixing any of the pro-recorded vocal-only tracks I have.

I wrote them, so no prob with copyright or anything. I have a demo out from several years ago and am on quite a few sites with remixes of my tracks, a couple even got club play and radio play in the UK and Germany a couple years ago...

I have a few songs that haven't really had any remixing done with them yet so they just sound like acappela ballads, but can be remixed easily with trance, house, etc. And I have a couple tracks that HAVE been remixed, but it was awhile ago and i'd love to hear different versions.

So this is basically a casual, fun thing for our self-promotional purposes, and if there are any money-making opps that come around for our finished track, we'll discuss the terms then.

Send me a message or reply if interested and i'll email you the vocal track mp3s, and send you the links to the other stuff I've done so you can hear it.

yeah I'm dropping the anonymity thing by doing this but really, I don't think anyone HERE will care about that.

Oh and my sound is similar kinda to Jes, Dido, DJ Sammy, Lasgo... you know, the typical female vocals they use on clubby tracks and such... it's what I started listening to back in like 2000 so I started writing/recording my own stuff of those styles then. But now I mainly listen to much harder stuff, hard house and hardstyle, industrial, EBM, darkwave... so I'm totally open to any type of remix (even if it's not electronica.... my vox can work in mainstream styles too, sort of like Jewel, Michelle Branch, that kinda stuff...) so whatever you want to make from my vox, I'll be interested in it!

Contact me if interested and I'll send you the stuff.

I have been in a little funk lately.

A funk is kinda like, where everything is shitty for like 3 or 4 days. Including my social mood. I have been kind of bitchy to my friends and family lately. Nothing out of the ordinary, but I am normally pretty happy go lucky so it is different for me.

I guess I am stressed from legal shit. I have to write a 5 page paper on the effects of drugs to the brain. I guess I will do some research. Really, it will be tough to write it without glorifying drugs.

Gah, just a lot of bullshit. I have to appear in the court in front of the judge this week. It is just a hearing, where the judge checks on your probation status to see how you have been doing. Other than the fact I can't find work and haven't payed my fees, I have done everything else perfectly. I haven't failed one drug test, I have done all the requirements as well.

Things should go smoothly. I am REALLY hoping to find a job soon. I met up with a guy at my old work. I use to work at a gas station called happy kampers. It is also a game room, so they have slot machines. You can only win store credit on them, though. Even though I was fired from there, I am still very social with everyone there and make my appearances every day. Well, I met a dude that I had seen before when I worked there. His dad owns dish network and he has a computer science degree. He's real chill though, we have joked around before. He said he has a new job coming up and needs someone he can trust. I use to work at dish network, so I am very good with the subject and have a lot of knowledge on it. He was impressed with that, and took my number and gave me his card. It looks really good, but because of previous let-downs lately, I am not going to get my hopes up.

We shall see. Everything will be alright, it always is.

I'm 17, and i've done coke about 6 different times. Im a little guy, and i have smoked weed, done percs, vics, morph, methadone, x pills, molly. But when i do coke, im scared i'm going to have a heart attack. I just get really paranoid, and this prevents me from getting high off coke. i've only did about one line because i was scared i was going to die. Help? 8(

I know i shouldnt be into this stuff, but i'm 17, i'm 5'5 110 lbs. I smoke weed once a week or so, i have been doing percs and vics for over a year. Only when i can find them. So i have a little expierience with them. I get high with around 15mg of oxycodone. So, how does the fent patch work? i'm getting it today and would it get me high? if so how long? How to be safe about this? It's 25 mcg.

If you like pills and pot!

I need more pot though.

That is all.

One year ago I was a completely different person. I was a "drug abuser". I changed my ways to were now I am a "drug user" I use drugs and the experiences with them better myself now. The "Divine" had encountered my life and showed me the right path. I have a basic guide for my life now. Now I want to find a good woman to fill the other half of me haha.

October 2, 2011

Can you believe it is October all ready? Wow time passes so quickly and I haven't stop to smell the Autum breeze.

My grandson spent the weekend at camp and yes it rained all day and all night. He earned his fire and hiking badges. He was so excited I'm glad a little rain did not dampen his spirit!

I was hoping to receive my special tea yesterday. Needless to say - I will have to wait until next weekend to experiment.

Next Saturday is the Annual Fall Festival of the Leaves. It is a beautiful time of year, but the additional traffic from the city tourist is a major bummer. I am sure the local business folks will enjoy the money they bring.

That song perfectly describes my relationship with the guy I've mention in this blog a few times. Well, now it's a non-relationship. But I finally figured out that it was just a summer fling and that's all it was ever meant to be.

We got in another fight last night; I've been so sick of his excuses for a long time now.I mean, the things he tells me are so inconsistent... I don't know what's true and what's not anymore. I trusted him more when I first met him than I do now, and that's sad. He used to tell me the truth, even if it was something I wouldn't want to hear. And now, I'm not sure if he can even keep track of his lies.

I have, though. I notice every time he tells me something that doesn't match up with things he's said previously. He does it with everything, even stupid things. For example. When I first met him, he had told me he won some acting competition that got him an agent, so he moved out here to LA because he really wanted to be an actor. When I got pregnant, that was his entire reasoning for making me have an abortion. Then, a couple of weeks ago we got in a fight like always, and he brought up his acting stuff for some reason... and it was a completely different story. Now it was this: "I never intended to stay in LA. I just got the opportunity to shoot a commercial; the plan was to come out here, make a few bucks, and go back home. I don't want to be some huge famous actor and live that lifestyle."

Wait - what the fuck? Living in your car, racking up a bunch of unnecessary debt, and basically forcing a chick to have an abortion that she is so adamantly against are all pretty extreme measures to take for something you now claim you don't even want... aren't they? Yes they are. If what you say is true, you shot your commercial over a year ago... so why aren't you back in Chicago already? Why did you shoot a pilot for ABC last week? Why are you still going on auditions? WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE IF YOU "DON'T WANT TO BE AN ACTOR"?!!!? Hello?! Do you think I'm a fucking retarded idiot or something? Of course I'm going to notice all of the blatant inconsistencies there.

Honestly, he needs to work on his acting skills. He sucks at lying. I swear, it's always back and forth. He lies, I get mad, I lash out, he grovels, we make up, possibly have sex or hang out a week later, the cycle repeats itself. And not only that, but he's just been acting really fucking WEIRD lately. I mean, completely out of NO WHERE last weekend while we were having sex, he just stopped. And then he goes, "Did I just have it in your ass?" No. "Are you sure?" Yes, I am sure - I think I would notice. "Seriously?" I finally had to turn around and tell him straight up "NO YOU WERE NOT FUCKING ME IN THE ASS JUST NOW" for him to stop trying to make a conversation out of something that didn't even happen. While we were in the middle of sex. And then he just kept going. Dude. How do you not know the answer to that question all by yourself? You're behind me, darling. You have a clear view of where your dick is and where it is not.
I honestly don't know what's gotten into him, with his fucking space cadet attitude and all of his lies and excuses lately, but I've been tired of it for a while now. I know I've said I was finally going to let him go a million times and that I've never followed through, but this time I'm just done for real. I've fought, I've held on, I've tried for as long and as hard as I possibly could. Just to be his friend, and it was never good enough. It was just a matter of time before one of us got sick of the toxic circles we run around in. Eventually someone was going to have to chuck up the deuces. I knew it, he knew it... and in cases like those, I'll be the first to leave, each and every time.

I have some pretty good karma. I can afford to burn a bridge or two. So I called him around 6 am when I knew he wouldn't answer, left him a voice mail, told him what's up. Said I was done with the entire screwed up situation, and that I didn't want him to call me back or text me with any excuses this time. I didn't want to hear the same old shit.

Here's the ironic part. I'm really hungover right now, which usually makes me more prone to anxiety; it hits me hard. I'm also out of Xanax. On a scale of 1 to 10, ten being the highest, my anxiety is at about a 2 or a 3. Of course I'm a little bit sad. It always sucks to say goodbye to someone who was a prominent part of your life at one point, even if it was toxic. You still get used to it and build a sort of routine around it. Taking away that routine is a bit like breaking a habit; all of a sudden, that specific constant in your life is gone, and you've stepped outside of your comfort zone a bit. I knew that when I decided this, and I honestly thought that finally letting him go was going to send my anxiety into overdrive and that I'd be crying and sad all over the place. I'm not, though. At least not right now. It feels a little bit like a weight has been lifted... it's like, even though I'm kind of sad to see him go, I'm finally free from all of the stress and tension he was putting me through on a daily basis. I don't have to worry about being lied to anymore, or where I stand, or what he thinks.

Once I get past the initial grieving period you go through after losing someone, I know I'm going to feel so much better. At the end of the day, regarding this situation, I'm going to be fine. Something is wrong when it becomes harder to hold on than to let go. But at least knowing that fact brings me some serenity, because therein lies the conviction that I'm doing the right thing for myself.

Sure, there were a few good moments. Like when one of our favorite songs would come on, and we'd both just jam out to it, not giving a shit how we looked or sounded. Or the times we would just smoke bowls and chill out. There were a few times when everything was great and we were just joking around and laughing, not a care in the world. I wish it could have been that way with all of the time, but it wasn't. It SHOULD have been, because that's what friends are supposed to do. But with him, there was far more anxiety and tension and us being upset with each other than there was fun and laughter. It got to a point where the good times couldn't outweigh the bad anymore.
I'll miss him for a while, but it won't be worth it. I have other people to have fun and laugh with. No matter how great the good times were, I've found out that with him, it was never worth all of the anxiety and how constantly upset I've felt for the last three months. To quote one of my favorite songs, "Don't waste your time on me, my friend. Friend... what does that even mean?" Lol. That entire song and music video perfectly describes us. Funny, I just noticed you even sort of look like the guy in the video... and minus the nose, her and I even have similar facial features, definitely have the same hair as her in that video... and a dress that looks exactly like that. Hah. Kelly Clarkson knows what's up. "The Loser Wins" is another fabulous song that comes to mind.

Anyways. Your time ended quite a long time ago, I think. This is the last time I will waste any of my breath or finger energy on you. Finally chucking up the deuces, it's long overdue. Goodbye forever.

The best and worst part about people, is that everyone is different. Its great because theres variation, new experiences, new humor, new laughs. But it sucks because if you lose someone, or your connection is no longer what it was, or you simply have fucked up... thats it. No matter what you are never going to meet another like them... which i guess can be a good thing. Sometimes.

I have finally identified the moment that I have begin abusing my role in Jeff's life.

It was when we were in a trip and his car broke down and he was in my car. We got into a fight and I kicked him out of my car in the middle of the country. I will never forget when he teared up. For the first time, he figured out that he couldn't trust me, he couldn't rely on me. And he knew, he had to watch out for himself. He was getting out of the military, all confused, scared and self questionable about his future.

I have cried so hard when I identified that moment with my therapist. It took alot of digging to figure out this moment. That's the first mean thing I have done to him. That's my responsibility piece of why we ended up with a destructive relationship with the right guy.

I don't see how people can see me and Jeff being together one day but it actually got mentioned more than once. I am more sure than not that we wouldn't try this again. If he goes to jail, I will be his friend and guide him through it by providing emotional and financial support. That's all I can do. I actually wish that people would not say that, I don't need hope, I need a happy ending with someone else.

But whatever, I guess someone sees something more than I do. I think that's why my family refuses for me to return to GA because they are scared that I will go back. My friends know that Jeff and I are not over, my family knows and the therapists but I know Jeff and I know me and I know how disgusted we both are out of this relationship. Then, I also know how badly we miss talking to each other on the phone.

Pain, repeatedly experiences, indicates a need for self-assessment, an inventory of our behavior. Honest self-appraisal may well call for change, a change in attitude perhaps, a change in specific behavior in some instances or maybe a change in direction. We get off the right path occasionally, but go merrily on our way until barriers surface, doors close and experiences become painful.

Most of us willingly wallow in our pain a while not because we like it, but because its familiarity offers security. We find some comfort in our pain because at least it holds no suprises.

When our trust of God is high, we are more willing to change. And we open ourselves to the indications for movement in a new direction. Each of us must find our own willingness. Each of us must develop attentiveness to the signs that repeatedly invite changes in our behavior. But most of all, each of us has to travel the road of change singly. Changes we must find the courgae to make will never be exactily like someone else's changes.

I have been getting so fucked up on lorazepam and ambien, to escape tthat I have lost my identity.....my self-respect......my dignity. The things I have allowed to happen have destroyed my ego, my faith, my courage and my spiritual strength.

I arrived.......I have no pills of any kind. I must consume 2500 calories a day. I attend NA meetings twice a day, SLAA meetings once a day, Eating disorder meeting once a day, therapy once a day, Group therapy twice a day and I have to run a mile on the beach everyday.

The place is really nice, it was advertised on intervention. I can have my phone which is cool and go out if I am not busy doing all these other things. I miss Jeff very much but I think I made the right decision to go to rehab and not show up to his court to face his evil family that hates me from the bottom of their hearts and managed to brain-wash him as well. He will one day understands......I think he feels sorry for me but he was mean too, he fucked up too.

It's been about 36 hours since I took my last "maintenance" dose of loperamide, and I would have taken another this morning if a certain family member hadn't called me last night to tell me she had some Lorcet 10's for me... So now I'm sitting here trembling and sniffing and aching, waiting for an appropriate time to go pick them up... My roommate had offered beforehand to buy me $50 worth of pills if I drove her to/picked her up from a concert in downtown so she could get drunk first and not have to drive herself... It's like the stars had aligned perfectly and decided to cast some serendipity my way. The great cosmic muffin in the sky wants me to be high, is the logical conclusion I've come to. And so the cycle of hepatic destruction continues... I was going to bug my aunt for some more K4's today, but she needs them a lot more than I do, and I'd be too tempted to inject them. At least I still have my morals, right? Heh. Hopefully I can at least manage the energy to hop in the shower before I go. Time for some strong, strong coffee... Cripes...

So, Im sure you have heard of this theory but if you haven't its basically stating this: Thousands of years ago, dating back to the earliest civilizations of man, there was intervention from aliens who visited this planet. Why they came? a popular theory is that they did so to mine gold. Along with this, its been proposed that these aliens created human-alien hybrids, tampered with human DNA, essentially creating the beginning of modern man.

Furthermore, it is proposed aliens gave early man technology and otherworldly techniques for working with stone. Some of which, modern engineers can not explain how it would be possible, or at most very difficult to do even with today's technology. For instance temples carved out of solid bedrock, displaying perfect angles and cuts that would be impossible to do by hand, and even extremely difficult with modern day techniques. Even what can be described as drill markings, in a criss-cross type of pattern have been found, leading one to believe these ancient people were not just using a chisel and hammer.

Ancient Sumerian texts speak of a race called the Anunnaki, who were inhabitants of a planet called Nibiru, and came to earth in order to mine gold. It is written that the Anunnaki genetically engineered workers for mining, and after some trial and error ended up with homo-sapiens.

Ancient Hindu epics speak of flying machines called Vimanas in which the "gods" used for transportation in and out of the heavens. For this purpose, of course gods were actually aliens, who they interpreted to be gods (and understandably so) This is a pasage from the Sanskrit Samarangana Sutradhara (translates, "controller of the battlefield":

"Strong and durable must the body of the Vimana be made, like a great flying bird of light material. Inside one must put the mercury engine with its iron heating apparatus underneath. By means of the power latent in the mercury which sets the driving whirlwind in motion, a man sitting inside may travel a great distance in the sky. The movements of the Vimana are such that it can vertically ascend, vertically descend, move slanting forwards and backwards. With the help of the machines human beings can fly in the air and heavenly beings can come down to earth."

Some literature seems to depict that of alien dogfights in the sky, ships shooting each other down and such. Pretty spooky stuff to be seing that in works thousands of years old.

Vitrified remains have been uncovered all over the world, as well as radio-active skeletons, which points to some sort of nuclear activity. Vitrification is when a substance, such as sand or stone turns molten essentially and is converted in to a glass like substance under the enormous heat and aggression of a nuclear blast.

There exist in Peru, what is known as the Nazca lines (spelling?) which are carvings in the earth that can ONLY be seen from high above. AND, its said that the accuracy and precision of these drawings could only have been done w/ some sort of aerial vantage point for aid. But forget the how, I think more important is the why. Why would an ancient civilization make symbols and artwork on such a large scale that can only be seen from high above? It's said that they served as reference points for these alien visitors, so that when they returned they would know where to go. They were seen as gods, and the people went to extraordinary lenghts in attempts to please them.

So anyway... A few examples listed here touching on this ancient alien or ancient astronaut theory. What do you think? Look in to it a bit, read some of these guys ideas, such as Giorgio Tsoukalos or Erich Von Daniken. Its pretty fascinating stuff, keeping an open mind, and not dismissing it as crazy talk.

P.S, its not just these enthusiasts who talk about this kind of stuff. Modern science does acknowledge that it is prudentin to think that in all of history, in all of the universe, we're the only advanced race. Credible people have stated that it is absolutely possible that sometime during the course of earth's existence, a civilization thousands of years superior could have found earth.

I'm proud of myself for (even tho I went to his Facebook page after I said I never would anymore) outdoing my ex music-wise. OK it sounds weird, but he's a DJ and I've always WANTED to be a DJ, so he was a step ahead of me in finding good music. Like, he turned me onto industrial and EBM and darkwave and some other stuff (I already liked the styles of elec that I like, for years, but other stuff he got me into.) I haven't talked to him since I told him I thought I was pregnant last April and he texted me, "Fuq U, get an abortion." Sweet. After being friends since 2005, and we had only STARTED dating when I had the scare. Then I got arrested and went to jail for 4 months, I chose not to even tell him a thing about that, and found out in jail I was not pregnant. So, I DID send him a cordial email in April, asking him to send me some pics he took of me modeling some of the shirts he designed, cuz I lost them, but he never replied. (I ended up finding the pics, and some candids of us, AND a bunch of home vids that of course I tortured myself and watched. Then that made me REALLY want to check his websites.)

So last week, late, i was on speed, I said screw it, check his Facebook. And it seriously ruffled my feathers. No, no girlfriend or good photos of him or anything, but he started doing art a few years ago, and not so much of his DJing or photography, and in the past year, his weird art really took off. Like, it's his main thing now, he's living his dream (at least, part of his dream.)

And I look at my recent endeavors, and have nothing to show! OK so I went to college and he didn't, I didn't have a kid as a teen like he did, I am not bald, I (used to) have a lot more friends than he did, but what??? In the past few years I gogo danced, modeled, kept trying my singing which I've been at since I was like 8 (and I'm not bad, I had a CD and I have my songs out there on the sites and stuff, and DJs remix my stuff), let my license expire but don't have a car or money to get a car so I don't drive, I don't have a job, I live off social security disability cuz of my back injury (thank GOD I started getting that this month... or I dunno what I'd do). I just felt like such a loser when even HE was like, living the life he wants!

So I went to his FB page to look at his latest music interests but of course ended up seeing all his artwork and looking at his photos and going to his OTHER art sites where he obviously is stoned and gets all deep about stuff (and I know he's not REALLY that deep, he likes to SEEM like it, so that irked me too... I mean, "Fuq U" really is not mature.)

Then I re-edited two little vid clips I have of us, one after a concert a couple years ago and then one with me modeling his shirts...


And it made me miss his FRIENDSHIP. More than anything else. Cuz he wasn't a great date, he was a great friend tho. but not anymore.

OK I am PROUD tho because I actually totally got obsessed about finding new music on my own, like obscure stuff that no one I know would know, so I went to last.fm and several DJ download sites that i never really paid attention to, and dammit if I don't have better music than him now.

yes, I do.

Sounds like nothing, but totally a big deal to be right now.

THEN, today I made a little Youtube video for one of my vocal trance songs that I recorded several years ago but never really put out there... using the vids of me and him, but I FXd them so you can't tell it's him, but I got the raw emotion factor for the song into the video, which I've never done before really. I'm not video pro, I was just playing really,, but I seriously have watched that video 30 times already, and re-edited it twice.

I wonder if he even makes money from his art. I know he was working little regular jobs to make ends meet. Not that I'm a gold digger. Actually it seemed he was more into me when I was making bank then when I hit hard times... don't need another guy like that (already had several.)

So even tho I'm on speed, I'm not tweaked out and doing stupid shit, I'm sleeping (enough), I'm almost back at my normal pre-rehab weight (GOD what a nightmare), and I've managed not to piss of my parents.

AND I got back to my old doc who prescribes Klonopin for me, just enough for my anxiety and insomnia, tho that's just another secret I have to keep. (My parents are really controlling since I've been back, I can't even walk to the store by myself. So I had a friend take me to my old doc thank god. And then my other friend helps me get the other stuff. Ugh I hate not being able to be independent, really, it's wearing me down and I prob have to file bankruptcy due to all my bad credit and debts.)

Before I went to jail and rehab, i was a lot more selfish but not all in a bad way. I'm now still so worried about what others think or what they might say or do. I never used to be like that. i hope I get over it.

Well, I turned 35 last week and thank GOD I still get carded. I honestly cannot see myself being married with kids right now, like most of my friends are. Some aren't. Some are divorced. I don't FEEL 35. I don't LOOK 35. I don't ACT 35. (Tho sometimes I act, like, 85.)

OK babbling, should go... bye!!!

Weirdo Survey

How tall are you barefoot?
5\'5\"

Have you ever smoked heroin?
no

Do you own a gun?
no

Rehab?
yes

Do you get nervous before
going out

What do you think of your friends?
they think I am weird

What's your favorite Christmas song?
Oh Holy Night

What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Crystal Light

Do you do push-ups?
No

Have you ever done ecstacy?
Yes

Are you vegitarian?
No

Do you like painkillers?
No, I\'m allergic to them

What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
wit

What time did you wake up today?
noon

Current worry?
being betrayed

Current hate?
haters

Do you own slippers?
yes

Do you burn or tan?
tan

What songs do you sing in the shower?
yes

How many TVs do you have in your house?
3

Do you wish on stars?
yes

What song do/did you want played at your wedding?
I dunno

What song do you want played at your funeral?
Silence by Sarah McLachlan

Do you love someone?
Yes

http://www.funsurveys.net/view-survey.php?id=56

They have seemed to go together, for many years. I don't mean all my boyfriends were drug addicts, most were not, but at least the occasional E was included. I have never been single for as long as I have now. My last real boyfriend was 4 years ago. I hooked up with several guys since then but nothing real. I begin to wonder if I will find someone I can be in a relationship with again, I've gotten TIMID in a way, after the shit that's happened, I'm worried I don't have what it takes anymore, or right now. And they say, oh, work on yourself. Well, I have. OK, so I use speed. OK, so I like to drink wine. OK, so I do E and G when I can, which honestly has been like once a year. OK, I have a checkered past, and anyone who knows me can find out enough about it to cause them to totally judge. But fuck it, really, there's gotta be some people out there who understand that shit like that happens, or who don't judge like most people tend to.... I mean, I HOPE there are people like that. I know a few, but it's because I've known them a long time and i think they just know that I've been through a lot of weird shit and at heart I'm actually quite vanilla and normal.

But I do love my "drug" music. (Because people call electronica that, so whatever. whatever they call it, I love it, I'm a total DJ picky snob, and that's just what I like.) I'm probably never going to quit using forever. I don't mean I'll be using everyday forever, I mean I don't think I'll give it all up forever. I guess if I turn into a boring person and change a lot, I guess things happen, but now, I just can't see living these multiple lives to multiple people and all the lives are not full truths. I just feel so stuck and whereas in the past I had a boyfriend or a good friend to go through things with me, I don't now. I have a few friends who are on my side but they are not my best friend or boyfriend. I am just kinda alone in this right now and shit, if drugs kinda help me keep moving, then that's that.

It's not like I'm tweaking for 10 nights in a row, not eating, passing out on my floor naked because I'm too exhausted to make it to the shower. As that happened several years ago. I'm not even near that anymore. It's just being COMPLETELY clean and sober drove me completely insane.

(I just posted this in the spirituality/philosophy forum and I had to repeat myself...)

I was trying to find a posting I talked about lucid dreaming in about a month ago but I can't find it, someone was asking how to lucid dream more and maintain... I just wanted to share the most amazing lucid dream I had, several nights ago. I was getting REM-rebound cuz I'd been doing speed and not sleeping more than a couple hours a night for a week or so, so when I ran out, I was sleeping bigtime, and dreaming like mad.

I always have very long and vivid dreams, rarely nightmares (except when I was in jail and in major Xanax withdrawal and with a head injury...) but last week I had two lucid dreams and I wanted to share with anyone who might be interested. The first was very simple, I was on a rooftop balcony near my home and suddenly I realized it was a dream. I immediately thought of the posting here where he was asking for some lucid dream tips, so in my dream I actually thought, "hey, I need to post this for that guy on Bluelight!" LOL. Nothing major about that dream, but the next one was TRANSCENDENT. And that word was SPOKEN to me in my actual dream as it was happening.

The dream started with me thinking of a lost love, my ex from almost 10 years ago who I think is the One who got away and I miss him all the time and we haven't talked in years... I dreamed I was in our old bed, but he was gone. I crawled out of the bed in the dream and realized I was dreaming, but I was in a college like campus class and some of the people told me that to not wake up I had to temporarily inhabit the bodies of others who were asleep.

Nothing like that has happened before, but I did just that, which was a little unnerving. I found two girls nearby me in the dream who were asleep and I "possessed" each of them until they were freaking out too much. I had to keep each one calm, and kept telling them we were "soul sisters" sharing souls while we dreamed. I actually walked around in their bodies, and had other memories that were not mine, like one girl giving birth, and the other one playing beach volleyball.

I kept them calm by lucidly picturing visual colors in the sky for them, mainly teal and pink. The weirder part was in this dream, there was like a VOICE or presence kinda informing me on what to do to make the dream better. (I don't hear voices or anything when I'm awake, or whatnot.) The voice seemed male, told me to try to focus on each color in the rainbow, including white and black though. And told me to tell the girls that each person has MANY soul sisters or soul brothers, connected kinda like string theory. I had to visualize that for them.

Normally in my lucid dreams, they are pretty short, and i am touching water or flying. This time there was a LOT more going on. (I was not on any drugs or meds while this happened, unusual for someone who relied on heavy doses of benzos for like 8 years, to sleep...) I TRIED to inhabit a male's body, but he would not have that. I did open my eyes once and saw the reflection of the streetlamps on my lamp shade but I forced myself right back into the dream.

I focused on all the colors (I used to paint abstract really colorful stuff, and i photograph really colorful abstract light photography, so I'm always into colors) and yellow/gold was VERY vivid. It was like flowing. I then was told to picture white, but I just kept seeing clouds and that was making me not see much in the dream. The voice told me that my friend is "good with the color white" and to remember that white is ALL the colors, so I had to start seeing rainbows in the clouds before I could go on with the dream.

I also was smelling a lot in the dream. (I lost my sense of smell last year due to a bad medical reaction to some medication, and it has not returned, so I can't taste or smell anymore.) I was smelling like perfume and real scents. Anyway, some smaller things happened that I don't think were quite so lucid, but eventually the voice came back and told me to FLY. So of course I did! I flew up into space, around earth (just by myself, no spaceship or anything) and came down over Africa, over some very green waters. It was then that i started making the water more blue by thinking about it, and I started hearing chanting: "MDMA. ECSTASY. MDMA. ECSTASY." In all voices, and that's when I heard "transcendent." (Yes, I was a big roller for almost 10 years,haven't done it in a couple years but I have nothing bad to say about it.... changed my life and my viewpoints so much for the better.) It was like I was supposed to TELL people that one of the ways to reach transcendence IS via MDMA! Lol. So, still lucid dreaming, I figured the best way would be to use MUSIC of course. somehow I was able to project music to everyone, so in my dream I conjured up everything from industrial/EBM (VNV Nation type) to ethereal trance to hippie style music, anything to try to communicate with people using music.

It was the ULTIMATE dream for someone like me who DREAMS about being a DJ, LOL!!! (And I am obsessed with music.)

SO, my points are: to stay in a lucid dream, the ways are really variable. I never had to posesss bodies or listen to a voice to help me out, I used to just say "Increase clarity" once I knew I was lucid dreaming and that would help. And i would fly (or just float) and always touch water to make sure it felt real. SOMETIMES I've dropped E or done speed (or drank) in lucid dreams, the E affects me exactly like it does in reality in my dreams, which is damn cool! The speed in my dreams never works. The alcohol works sometimes.

My lucid dreams used to always be me alone, sometimes with someone else sexually. I think that was just my way of seeing how real a lucid dream could get. But the latest two lucids I had were nothing like that. I seriously woke up thinking I had a near-death-experience or an OBE. (Who knows???) I guess what I'm saying is, once you KNOW you are dreaming, do whatever it takes not to wake up. And remember you can do almost ANYTHING you want, so just start experimenting. (I tried to make my ex come to me in that dream but he didn't.... however i had a non-lucid dream about him the night after, which made me sad...) But when I awoke from this major lucid dream, it was like someone had been trying to teach me a lesson that has been in several of my dreams in the past... usually having to do with understanding "pi" and eternity in an easy way (like I've dreamed of gummy bears and carnival rides that somehow explained "pi" to me... I have to say i understand it.) And that there IS something MUCH bigger than us, as most of us think or know, but sometimes we get caught up in the little shit and just forget that YES, there are HUGE things in nature and space and time and the spiritual realm that we just have no real clue about sometimes. And also the theme that life and death are, well, the same, if you think of all things being energy, and energy is always supposed to be at the same level in the universe... (theory, but I believe the energy thing.)

I don't meditate, really, so I can't say anything on that. But dreaming's my thing, and I totally had to tell about this lucid dream... I don't know if I ever had an OBE or NDE but I HAVE shared dreams with a couple people I was close to, we dreamed the same thing at the same time. That's pretty nuts.

Seriously, I thought that when I woke up, the dream state that I'd been in was VERY similar to being dead and without a physical body to tie you down. It was really eye opening. It wasn't scary at all, it was absolutely incredible and I HOPE that's what being dead is like, if not better of course!!!

I don't know how to START a lucid dream, because mine are always that I realize it while I'm already dreaming. But really, once you know you're dreaming, find ways to make yourself stay there as long as you can, because the more you do it, the easier and better it is.

(The only not great lucid times I've had are the few times i was having a semi-bad or weird dream and I literally somehow told myself, dude, you're DREAMING, just WAKE UP and I did.)

it does seem easier when you've had a short time of lack of sleep, due to whatever. On certain meds, I COULDN'T dream, and i hated that. It was an anti-depressant I'm not on anymore. But when I used to take xanax, or klonopin, at a higher amount I'd have no problem having lucid dreams.

Well I've written WAAYYYY too much, but where else can I tell a dream like that, LOL?!

Thursday night, nothing to do, friends call and i agree to have a small kick-back at my place. We're chillin for a bit then we decide to smoke the buddha they have. After a couple of hits (maybe 8-10) i am beyond stoned, the whole thing was an experience in itself.

We sit down and my friends around me look like they're made of plato. Bob the Builder sort of vision where everything has that 3-dimensional effect but its all made of plato. I was tripping so hard i could barely make sense of what they spoke of. I took my eyes off them, i inhaled and they seemed normal, i exhaled and everything was plato. My throat burned, and i had no expectation for this sort of trip, i just wasn't anywhere near prepared. Its only cannabis, but after this experience i know im really sensitive to it. Panic started to kick in since we still had to go back into my house. Turned the tv on and i sat there feeling like i was going to regurgitate my stomach all in itself!

Bad thoughts and paranoia, i was hearing my parents voices from time to time, this was all in my head, i was having a bad one. The nausea finally got the best of me and i lost control. The friends i had today were terrible people to trip with, they continually harassed me after i already had suffered the humiliation of puking in front of all of them. I felt like dying on that fine hour, eventually i fell asleep on my couch, to be awoken by my dad telling me to go to bed, light nd all were on, we were in the living room.

They left and my parents thought i got drunk once more, my goodness this was absolutely glorious because my mom constantly says that it'd break her heart if i ever did drugs, and yet so, being an alcoholic is acceptable to some degree (if only she knew, i hardly ever drink).

Woke up feeling terrible, later that night they wanted to visit me with some more of that bud, took 3 hits and i was stoned, 1 hit later on that night to keep the buzz on. Ive been feeling relaxed all day today, and my lesson has been learnt, unless i wont be home for several hours i will refuse to take more than 3 hits of bud.

I Only hope that once i get into psyches nothing will ever be as bad as this.

~ Stay safe my friends.

Never change pass words while drunk and stoned. Can't access my ONCOR one ATM me = fail.

Will update on everything another time.

I work as a freelance sports journalist sometimes (extreme sports only - snowboarding, FMX, MotoX, skateboarding, BMX, etc.)... and today, I am being given the opportunity to interview and meet some of the Metal Mulisha team. I have dreamed of meeting them since I was 14 years old - words cannot describe how excited I am about this!! I leave in about an hour, I can't wait!

I really needed something amazing to happen in my life... I've been having a REALLY rough couple of weeks, and this fucking epic opportunity is EXACTLY what I needed. From experience covering these events, I know the riders always sneak in back of the rider/media entrance and blaze up... sometimes they ask me to join... sometimes I get numbers... but it's never anyone super famous. It would make my life if someone like Todd Potter asked me to burn with him. LOL. I doubt it would happen, but a girl can dream I really don't care, meeting him is good enough for me! It's also the FMX World Championships, so there's a very good chance Travis Pastrana might show up... and THAT would make my entire life!!

But still. Trust me, I will be more than happy with whatever I get!! Just having this opportunity is enough for me!

It might not last, but in this moment, I am very happy and content with my life. Can't wait for tonight!