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Today we drove back from visiting our families for the weekend. My wife and I.

As we went on down the desolate highway, we approach a number of signs indicating we are approaching an 'Inspection Station' with 'Federal agents on duty' and 'Warning - K9 detector', and a giant metal pavillion constructed accross the highway on the northbound side.

I start to see a Department of Homeland Security flag flying. Underneath, about a dozen vehicles marked to belong to the US Customs & Border Protection, some green(border patrol subdivision) and just a few navy blue(the same ones right at the border crossing), a helecopter, and perhaps the most impressive surveillence set I have ever seen, of infrared scanners, high-tech cameras. There was close to a hundred on each side of the highway, and more on the southbound side where there is no checkpoint.

"Wtf are all the cameras for?" I think to myself. I get closer. There's a bunch of border patrol agents standing around. One of them is holding a dog on a leash, appears to be a Belgian mallenois/German shepherd mix.

I stop in front of the officer. He begins to ask me a series of questions while the other man with a dog slowly circles the vehicle.

"Are you a US citizen?" the officer asks me.

"Yes sir," I reply. The officer never asks for any ID.

He continues to ask "is this vehicle yours?"

"Yes sir," I replied again.

"How long have you had the vehicle?" He asks.

"6 months," I replied.

"Where are you coming from?" "Where are you going?" He asks.

I answered his questions politely.

He asks "Is it okay if we look in the trunk?"

"Why?" I asked.

"You need to get out right now so we can X-ray it." He replied.

"Why?" I asked again.

"Because you're in a new ca-You're being combative," He barked.

Then they told us where to stand, so they can frisk us like TSA agents. They brushed my scrotum and asshole with their hands. They got a butch buzzcut lesbian to check my wife's bra, and pat between her legs!

I ask what the purpose of this was while they finished searching the vehicle.

"We're protecting America," he smugly replies.

After searching the car, they let us go. We didn't do anything wrong, but we got completely raped by the feds in the name of "Homeland Security".

My plan is to create a new soundtrack for myself in two weeks :D
....It's always darkest before the Dawn...

So this is the end of the story. Everything we had,everything we did is buried in dust- and this dust is all that's all that's left of us.....

....and Oh, Poor Atlas- It was a beast of a burden.....


Ran out of time....

I have been so stressed.
It was work that stressed me out- now that is actually my escape form my stress.
I'm doing okay at work, I might even make bonus which is exciting!
Most know I am in the process of a divorce, and I don't really talk about it online much......
This month would have been our 9 year anniversary, that hit.
To add to that, this month I am having to do all this court stuff to get the divorce finalized......I've been running around like crazy to get it done.
I was supposed to go to court this morning and I overslept- My mom didn't wake me b/c she knew I had been so exhausted from this last week or two. It has been seriously non stop of stress.
I have to go before work Weds now- then Friday I get my speech b/c I'm representing myself and have to go before the judge- either the 29th or 6th of Oct. Something tells me it'll be Oct 6th......
Anyway, it's all for the best and my ex and I are on great terms and things are fine there- but it's still a strange thing to process. There are a lot of mixed emotions that come with it.
So, besides the divorce, I'm still living with my parents and not saving money. My Savings account has now dwindled to 36 dollars and change. I've had so many unexpected expenses.....
They recently found out they have to move which means, I move too.
Either into a place with them, or into my own place.
I am completely unprepared financially.
We've been looking at houses with separate living quarters for me.
IF that happens, it'll be alright- I'll just pay my parents rent.......
I'm worried I'll never get married again, yes, I know, I'm getting a divorce and shouldn't even be thinking about it- but I do.
I want to be married and have kids- but can't imagine that actually happening. The thought of having someone know me and all the details of my life is weird. Having to re-open myself to someone sounds fun, but sounds awful at the same time.
I've been depressed and worried that I'm going to start sucking at my job......I guess b/c right now it's the only thing going okay and I'm just waiting for it to fall beneath my feet......
Egh. Enough whining. I just needed to write it out.



....we walk the plank with our eyes wide open.....

I can't say it without feeling like some emo kid- but I feel really misunderstood.......a lot of the time. People don't get what I'm saying, think I'm serious when I'm not, they judge me by my appearance, or my anxiety, or my this or that.
I feel like hardly anyone gets me.
I'm in this bitchy mood tonight and maybe that's why I'm sitting around feeling like either I can't communicate properly or people just don't get me..... Or maybe I'm feeling bitchy b/c I feel that way.
I say something and it seems like people just take pieces of it and make it into what they want.......
Things aren't so terrible in my life. I'm not in some bad place or anything.
I just feel really misunderstood.
That is all.

i know i am not supposed to pay attention to the weight on the scale but its really frustrating. i've been at the same weight for like two weeks now even tho i haven't changed my eating or exercise habits. my workouts are getting more difficult and i feel like i am not making any progress. but i guess at some point i stop losing fat and start gaining muscle which makes what the scale says not that useful.

i can tell i am getting stronger, altho i am still incredibly weak. when i began, i struggled with even lifting my arms over my head (i forget the name of the exercise/muscle. apparently i have forgotten everything i learned in anatomy). i can do that with 8 pounds now. and i suppose since the exercises are getting more complicated, i am getting better balance, more strength and coordination. which i guess is progress?

its frustrating cause at first i was losing weight every session. and tracking how many pounds i weigh is a pretty easy to keep myself motivated. i don't really notice a difference in how i look, altho i am noticing my clothes being a lot looser. unglued isn't the best motivator either. i was complaining to him and all he said was "i told you it wasn't going to stay that easy".

i am going to see some friends i have not seen since the spring this weekend. i will be very curious to see if they notice any difference. the two whose opinions i care about both know i have been working out. but my one friend is very blunt and does not sugarcoat things.

Well neighbours that were once on talking terms are now not so much. I can't fucking stand them. Asked them politely to bugger off today and get off my lawn (I live in a townhouse complex) and go sit somewhere else. They refused to got all yelling and rude and threatening to my girlfriend and I so we called the cops and a female officer arrived an hour later (after they all scattered like cockroaches). Must say, she was hawwwt. hehe. Yeah so, they were told to leave us alone, don't even talk to us and stay away from our front lawn. It was also hilarious and hawt to hear her YELL at the idiots :D
So apparently the dood said to my gf, "You watch and see what I do, you watch" (their all Bosnian btw).
If they try ANYTHING they will be served with immediate eviction (well for the end of the month) and WILL be charged, they will get a No Trespass for ANY property our management owns and we're in rent geared to income and so they would no longer be able to rent in any location which means market rent for them, ALSO I am friends with a good majority of the community here as I keep my mouth shut and I am respectful of people....so I have at least a dozen families on my side and got my back. 99% of the people in here can't STAND them.

We were nice towards them, I was very much a push over for months and months. I got sick of their shit, and told them to bugger off. They want to cause issues, bring it the fuck on, I'm game to make their lives a living hell. Fucking right I can be a bitch if they want to be douches to me and my family. Fuck them.

You're a man not a god, they can fuck off. Just cause men rule in bosnia...well this is Canada NOT bosnia. Learn our customs and rules bitchas! Don't see that as racist or whatnot, hell I'm part Macedonian which is very similar to their culture and my family doesn't act like them at all. Hell I have everything from Native to Black to Middle Eastern to Mediterranean and UK in me. I would be hypocritical to be racist. They are just getting on my last nerve, fuck with me and suffer my wrath.

"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" - William Congreve

"As you'll answer it, take heed
This Slave commit no Violence upon
Himself. I've been deceiv'd. The Publick Safety
Requires he should be more confin'd; and none,
No not the Princes self, permitted to
Confer with him. I'll quit you to the King.
Vile and ingrate! too late thou shalt repent
The base Injustice thou hast done my Love:
Yes, thou shalt know, spite of thy past Distress,
And all those Ills which thou so long hast mourn'd;
Heav'n has no Rage, like Love to Hatred turn'd,
Nor Hell a Fury, like a Woman scorn'd." - William Congreve, in The Mourning Bride, 1697

can u use miracle grow for ur amm. nitrate?

2 of Kambal alone, 1 with Joysa and cousin.

One day left I have to live .. hooray!!
I read today that in the US if you have a terminal illness you're guaranteed to get SS disability benefits. I was thinking about trying to get hiv but I don't think that's considered a terminal illness. I don't even think aids is anymore.
So, I need to find something I can contract that is terminal, will not kill me immediately so I can enjoy atleast a year or two of free gov't money. Plus, I can probably get a nice morphine script too. Anyone have any ideas?

I never thought I'd find the love of my life on BL lol, but I did.
You're amazing but no words can really describe you, I love you

*gets on knees, presents ring*

Ok, finally got the account working again. I shall try not to post on here drunk and stoned again....well, okay...at least not change a password lmfao


Well, on me. Still unmedicated and untreated for what, since July? So, 2 almost 3mos. Emotional wreck some days, happy as shit others. Today was explosion day. My girlfriend took something the wrong way after waking up on the wrong side of my bed apparently. We have been arguing all day, well up until about 4pm. We're good now. I hate when we fight because it's over shit we both know but are too stubborn to agree upon right away. We both have trust issues and I wish we both could get over it. We're so right for each other, she is SO wonderful We're both stubborn, heck we're so much alike its scary at times.

She loves me so much, and I need to trust in that. We want to move in together but both agree to wait till summer comes back before rushing into anything, though lately it seems that we'd be better off just living together away from this fucking place - another story for another post.


She really thinks she's gonna be the one to ask, haha, I think not.

She's in denial about my place not being OUR place....kinda like the saying I love you thing. She's been here for 2 weeks straight, been home from 345pm until 1hr ago (well still there) and she already is coming back for the night.

Been looking at houses for a little while but we cant even move out of here until October 2012 anyhow, so no rush on looking really. Oh and I have been saving some money aside for a couple months with no one knowing and will be for awhile. My balls are huge and golden, I am my father's daughter after all. It's okay though, she can keep thinking she's gonna be the one to ask..... well okay, she was the one to ask first....then chickened out. No worries though, no rush when you have forever.

I've fallen off my "wagon" but not like last time. I'm drinking and getting high again but no self harm, no PV, no stupid shit at all. Just weed and vodka and yes some cheap highs from DXM and Benadryl. Oh well, I'm maintaining my weight at 139Lbs and still have lots of appitite, no side effects that I notice yet. My balance and memory are great and my moods are good as long as i use. No withdrawals yet. Slippery slope I know, I'm not stupid.

I would go on with this update but need to do some stuff, will continue later or tomorrow.....or ASAP.

My last day here:

It involved 4 hours of therapy, I am tired and my head hurts, I got a follow-up plan where I am moving to so I can start my new job. I have a therapist that I am seeing twice a week, a life coach just to check-in with and an anger management group therapy. I am tired of therapy.......Gosh

My therapist explained that her best guess is that Jeff has been advised by his lawyer to not contact me. That whatever chance he had of staying out of jail involves listening to his lawyer. I am a risk to his case. My inability to not being able to manage my emotions was a risk to his case. At the very least until they know how to approach this. She said that I would hope to appreciate that and be able to listen to my lawyer if I was in that circumstance as well. She said that if Jeff is acquitted or has to do time, I would hear from him but until then he is putting his emotions aside because his life is at risk. She said what I can do until then is practice managing my emotions and if I can truly manage my emotions and give the man his space which is different than what I have been doing, she said he might comeback.

We assessed the situation of whether I can support him if he does some time and she said it all relies on me and how I am doing. We had a family session with my sisters on the phone. They said that my sisters felt that if they didn't put me in this program quick enough, they were sure that I was going to end up in jail or dead. They said it's not Jeff that they have a problem with, it is me and what I become when I am with Jeff. They can careless if I was with Jeff or someone else. They were tired of getting a call of "your sister is in jail and drove to New Orleans for 8 hours" or "your sister is in the middle of the street in new orleans with no where to go" or your sister is laying and making false allegations about her boyfriend's sister. They were absoultely tired of it and were scared. They said they felt like they had no option except put every penny together in order for me to receive help and have this conversation. The bottom line was if you wanna be with Jeff, do whatever suits you as long as you can manage your emotions and not be a compelete fuckin wreck when you are with him. If you choose to support him if he does time then we would be sad for you but as long as you don't complain and negelct my life as long as I have been doing then they don't care.

The therapist and my family both agreed that Jeff and I don't allow enough time to pass before we start talking again. Which never allows time for us to heal or change. My family said they put me in here because they didn't know what drugs I was doing, what the hell was going on but they knew that I had a hard time leaving new orleans and things fell apart badly.

The therapist said that I even proved that the lawyer was right about advising Jeff not to talked to me when I proved his words by doing what I did to his sister. It took all that money for me to have this conversation. I had to hear of outsiders their guess and analytical thinking of the situation. Now I have to prove to my family, Jeff, his family and most importantly to myself that I can manage my life, my own emotions, not lie or tattletale, and give someone space if I have been asked to. So now I am still suffering but I am leaving with a new understanding, prosepctive about the situation. I understand more than I can ever understand. So we shall see the plan into action. Here I go........

Methoxetamine. It's a hell of a compound. I dosed a good dose of MxE and I am now having these positive epiphanies, I feel alive and blissful for the first time in a long long time. This drug is beyond words. I am thinking about positive changes in my life, all prompted by the mindset this drug put me in. I am reflecting on past mistakes and how to avoid making them again.

This drug heals.

More later.

Hi guys. I'lll be documenting my journey of growing psilocybin mushrooms using the PF Tek method in this blog here. The strand I will be growing is the Golden Teacher and I will cover everything from turning a print into a syringe to picking the last flush.

Keep in tune. I get time off soon for a few months, so I will be starting then.

P.S. I'm a total n00b at growing shrooms, I've only successfully done it once before so this'll be fun!

Hi everyone I was hoping someone could give me a bit of advice on this combination. I'm planning on taking 20mg valium to smooth out the shakes i get from adderall, 20mg of oxy (in form of perocet 10/325) and 10mg of adderall IR....I also made a fentanyl nasal spray bottle and am familiar with the dosing and how much i am injesting. I am very experienced in using these I just wanted an opinion. My tolerance to all of these are high, but I'm one of the few who if I dont use for a few days it will drop (not dramatically but decently). If anyone has experience with this combo any advice is appriciated! I just like the combination of release of dopamine.

About three or four weeks ago family members in New York began getting very nervous about a hurricane that was shaping up to be nearly a perfect storm in the negative sense of the word. As that was taking place one of thr two dozen typhoons (the Pacific equivalent to a hurricane) slammed into Luzon, the island upon which Manila sits as well as it being home to Joysa and her family. Joysa's home in the municipality of Hagonoy, in Bulacan Province sits literaLly 15 meters (45 ft) from a major river. Every high tide there is at least 1.5 meters (4.5 ft) of water in her living room.

With this typhoon, which co-incidentally struch during high tide, she and her family had to climb atop their roof and wait for whatever pittance the govt. decided to air drop to them. I wired her a few hundred US Dollars but until now there is still no electricity there although the waters have greatly receeded.

Then, this past weekend 300 NPA (Maoist) guerillas attacked 4 mining outfits all owned by the Sumitomo Corporation, a huge Japanese company. All 4 are roughly 25 klicks from me (20 miles more or less). It was an incredible attack in , all in the town of Claver which they blew up two ocean going freighters, at least 142 tandem dump lorries, more than 3 dozen backhoes, etc, etc. All in all they wracked more than 1.5 Billion US in destruction in just that one attack. They only killed four soldiers in the mine's paramilitary but also took 4 prisoners. The result has led to a massive redeployment into this part of hell. It seems that when it rains, it pours as the saying goes.

Yesterday afternoon a govt. soldier was killed capturing an NPA camp 2 klicks off of our cattle operation in the town of Esperanza. I have never seen the Flips launch an operation of the current magnitude. Our island already has 70% of the military deployed on it and they are now focusing their full power on our sector. Our guys (BULIF) are operation 24/7 but that isn't unusual.

The common law wife of that Scottish man, Luisa Galvez, the woman that was kidnapped? She was freed over the weekend after the MILF, the Muslim guerillas holding her fled as their camp was being overrun. She was shot in both legs but will live to tell about it.

5 new kidnappings since Sunday but they are all local victims so nooone cares, what a world. I did find a bit of cheer though; on Sunday a 10 year old girl in the town of Magpet was talking to her 21 year old male cousin when he grabbed her, dragged her into the jungle, and bashed her face in as he raped her. Thinking she was dead he left her buried in a shallow pit covered with banana leaves. The girl revived, made her way home and now the bastard is being hunted by the family. Sometimes good people do win.

I ended up getting 3 bags with my wife. Had to hit the exchange up first so atleast we got sharps to use instead on the dull thing we had. Bags were smaller than the ones from the other day, but better quality. Had to cold cop on SouthCarolina again. Always hate having to do that, but atleast it's quick.
So, we each did one and there's one left for tomorrow. After that, no idea what i intend to do. I could sit and go thru WD cause it won't be too bad, or maybe go and try and find a sub. So many things I need to do too....
Atleast we got to hangout with an old friend we hadn't seen in a whlie. Someone I went to school with so I got to hear about what happened to others I went to school with., Guess I missed my 10 year reunion. But, if I didn't want to see them 10 years ago, doubt I'd want to now..
Caught the new South Park. Not quite what I was expecting, but funny as always.

OK so I've worked in porn on many sides of the industry, i gogo danced/stripped, escorted, modeled nude, slept with more people than I can count, and ALL I WANT is the most vanilla, boring, lights-off, in-bed, guy-and-girl, monogamous, missionary style sex. (I haven't been in a relationship for years so I don't get laid anyway now, and my libido is like GONE due to meds I was on and just my other situations.)

But it's funny how everyone if they know my past, think I'd be totally into all sorts of kinky shit, but I'm totally opposite. (They also assume I was molested or abused or raped, and nothing like that ever happened to me at all.) I guess all the years of porn, watching it and working in it (mainly as camera-person/editor) and the other stuff I did has desensitized me to the point where I just want something so BASIC it shocks people. And it confuses guys because I think they think I'll be all one way, and then I'm totally not.

I dunno, just felt like saying that.

It's a trap!

Been thinking bout going back on subs too. Best part of them is it keeps the desire to use down and is so much cheaper. The best I ever did was when I would go work up north during the week and do my subs (1mg IV morning, sometimes another after work) then come home for weekend and buy a bundle or two. I actually stayed in Leonardo, about a block from the quick stop from the movie clerks. There weren't any dealers hanging out in front of the store tho.
Scene might be bigger here, but I , for all intents and purposes, was the scene in my town. For almost 2 years I never once had to worry about copping or getting money. Really spoiled me. Although, I gotta say it was nice having a rest after hustling nonstop with no day off for like 16 months. Although, I gotta say I'm soooo lucky to not be in jail. i walked away from being caught with 5 or 6 g of dope, about 400 used needles, suboxone, methadone, valium, and whatever else knows what was in my room.
Glad there's others from Atlantic City on here. Makes the world feel a little smaller.
Definitely easy to cop in the city, but it's just so hot. Took me as long to cop as long as it took me to walk to new york ave apts. Course there was a cop sitting right on the Tennessee waiting, but we walked right by him. Heading there now, post when i get back

Just came back from new mexico where I had a daily dope habit of about 2g a day. Was slinging for the guy running the town. Got busted, but cops fucked up the case and got released and left. Kicked fucking hard in jail and came back home to jersey.
Picked up a small OC habit, not much like 10-20mg a day. Would be more but been taking em oral since IVing those is pain in the ass and getting gel in your veins sucks. Went to city 2 days ago and got 2 stamp bags and might do it tomorrow too. Everytime I get close to clean, I just can't stand the thought of it and feel the need to use again.

The Op Forums banned me with no real reason, here is the admin email i got---

I am sorry krazikomi,
From the comments that you made in you first posts we have decided that you would not be a good fit with our membership.
Please do not make another account as we check IP's and e-mails and usernames where duplicates will be banned immediately.
Go to your other small little boards and let them know how rotten we are to not permit you to be a member. I am sure they will have sympathy for you.
I too am a long term member of bluelight. Maybe I should look you up there.

Bye,



Now i must say that yes i did make some comments that were in poor taste like in a political thread i called Barack Obama a bad ass ninja for killing osama and alwaki. But in this day and age does that really warrant a bann? No where in the forum rules did i see that calling the president of our United States a bad ass ninja unacceptable or not allowed. I thought the site was a great resource for me. And i was going to add the its greatness. instead i get smacked with a mystery bann stick with a sad excuse of an explanation. God this gets me so angry. I also profusely apologized via email to the admin but he/she has yet to get back to me. So come on blue light help me out. Maybe appeal my ban to "Westend" their forum admin explain i meant no harm no foul. I really do want to be a active member on op forums.


Really wow why set off a person like me? Here is the lameness it says now when i log into the site.

You have been banned for the following reason:
Came on talking crap immediately. No attempt at becoming a real member
Date the ban will be lifted: Never

Why because admin is a Republican or something thinks Bush should get credit. I guess we will never know do to the lack of communication after all this.

http://overseaspharmacy.com/forum/forum.php

Watch your posts carefully or it may set of a political shit storm like no other. Better yet don't register with them at all, i like http://www.drugbuyersguide.com/ better. The admin there XanaxMaster is way cool and does not go on political vendettas against site members.

KK

just a test how do i delete?

I'm sober and I've been listening to full DJ set mixes on Spotify.com for hours and I f'n NEED to SLEEP cuz I didn't sleep last night. I'm just so stoked to hear so many awesome hard house/hard dance full sets that I haven't heard before, I can't turn the thing off....

(Thanks for the messages here, I'll reply tomorrow when I am not all feeling cracked out from no sleep.)

Good song. This is going to seem strange compared to my last few blogs, but I feel like God (or karma or Buddha or whoever... I'm agnostic so idk) is rewarding me lately. I've just been having all of these great things literally just fall into my lap. Without having to do any work.

1. Having the opportunity the ASA FMX World Championships.
2. Which ended up being the best night of my life, hands down. I networked, I met a few of my absolute FAVORITE riders, I was treated like VIP all night by people I didn't even know... a few time when the bouncers would be like, "You can't go into that area, you have to have a green wristband", some random person would come up and be like, "No, she's alright, let her in." And I'd get in.
3. I got to touch Todd Potter's dirtbike. Words will never describe.
4. Industry professionals have been hitting me up left and right since then to chill... hot ones!
5. People who more or less ignored me before are now crawling out of the woodwork and wanting to get close with me. Yeahh I know it's because they're trying to get an in now that I'm actually starting to be a bit more well-known in what I do, getting to know professional riders, getting to cover the good events. But it's still a good feeling to know that people look up to me and depend on me. Besides, they'll find out soon enough that I can't do anything for them... I'm not THAT well-connected. Yet. ;-)
6. I've been making some extra cash doing nothing but watching my friend's kids, who I absolutely adore, for an hour and taking them to school... and now instead of her paying me, the state is going to start paying me. And I'm going to be making A LOT more.

Most of those have to do with money, success, fame... materialistic things... but I'm too high on life at this very moment to care how that makes me look. I've needed this. I DESERVE this. For the last four months or so, and especially for the last few weeks, I've just been hoping and praying as hard as I could for my life to turn around. Like, just ONE good thing to happen... and now it's like, all of these amazing things are happening at once. I feel really, really blessed. People say money and fame can't buy happiness, but um... it sure as fuck helps!

Of course my problems aren't eliminated. There's still an undertone of sadness at the fact that *** and I had to finally make the decision to go our separate ways yesterday. I already miss him, and I get sad when I see his name. I still miss **** every day of my life and would give up all of those things I named above just to have him back, but I know it's impossible. I still have to deal with all of the traumatic shit that happened in the military and get over that. I'm still battling addiction and struggling to get off of Suboxone and Xanax, especially now that I slipped so far these past few weeks with taking more than I was supposed to a few days.

But things are starting to get better on the surface. *** was one of the biggest stressors in my life for the past few months, and even though I miss him now, I know I'll get over it soon. It will be nice to have that particular source of anxiety and stress gone. The financial opportunities I've been getting are going to help me massively as far as my debt goes, and I ALWAYS feel better when I know I have some extra cash to spend on myself... instead of just the very, VERY bare necesseties... and someday soon I can start spoiling myself again, even if it's just once a month. I'm a girl - you don't understand how much of a confidence and happiness booster a simple manicure or new haircut or new outfit or a new bag can be. I've been meeting tons of new people, and I'll be starting school soon.. a new school.. and making even more new friends. That definitely helps with the massive loneliness I've been feeling lately. I still want that *special someone* since I've been single for two years, but I'm not going to complain about what I have right now either. I'm content with what I have at the moment.

Now all I need is to work on the things under the surface, and I'll be good to go.
But that is going to be the hardest battle by far, so... yeah. Change is in the air though, and it seems to be for the better. Let's hope it stays this way. Wish me luck guys