What the FUCK is wrong with me?

I just had the most amazing night of my life. I got to meet, talk to, get numbers, take pics with, etc. my favorite dirtbiking team... the event was amazing... I had sooo much fun while I was there lol I didn't want to leave!!

But the second I got in my car and drove away, I got depressed. I called everyone I knew, because I knew being by myself tonight would be a bad idea, and either no one had a place to chill, they didn't pick up their phones, or they straight up said they didn't want to chill because they were busy. I got turned down for sex twice. Now I'm sitting at home, alone, depressed as fuck and double fisting wine and beer.

There is something wrong with me. How is it that I can have the most amazing night of my life, hell I can get famous athletes' numbers and get invited to after parties and shit, I have all this amazing stuff going on for me... and yet here I am, drinking by myself and crying my fucking eyes out.

This depression is getting worse. I can't deal with the emotional pain without pills or alcohol anymore. It's too much. Sometimes I think that if I died tomorrow, no one would realize it. I need a certain person back in my life so bad... I need him more than ever... he made me happy, no matter what kind of bullshit was going down, even when I was raped, he made everything better... he made sticking it out worth it... in fact, he's the only reason I stayed there as long as I did... and now he's never coming back. I keep thinking of how much happier I would be if I could just walk three doors down to his room, knock on the door, and throw back some brews and play Guitar Hero.

But all of that is gone. I feel like something inside of me is dying. I'm getting more and more depressed every day. This is bad. I don't understand how I could have such an amazing night, and then come home and cry. I don't really understand why I'm so sad.

I don't get it.

 

Depression, like all other mental illness, is not rational. Don't beat yourself up over it; you are ill, that's all.

I know that you've got a bit of a bag of issues, including PTSD IIRC. Have you seen a psychologist for it? I've had similar (albeit less severe PTSD) issues, and found that EMDR coupled with some CBT techniques helped me get over the hump where my depression became manageable. In other words, beforehand I was unable to control the depression, or pull myself out of the pit when things did get bad, but afterwards I was able to prevent (or at least lessen) depressive episodes, and recover more quickly from them. The metaphor that I used at the time was the removal of an iron mask that I had worn my entire life. It didn't make things perfect, but without removing it all my efforts were little more than painting happy cololurs on the mask.

I think that this event is an eye opener for you. This cannot be managed on your own, and in order to keep having these great things in your life (and to be able to properly enjoy them) then I really do think that you should find a good psychologist as soon as you're able.

I hope that things look better in the morning

 

I'm seeing a psychologist right now. He's a good one, but I don't seem to be making much progress, and that worries me a bit.

The thing is though, I don't think I'm depressed. When I'm out with friends, at an event, socializing, even just talking on the phone, I feel fine. But the second I'm alone, I'm hit with these feelings. That's the reason I don't think it's true, clinical depression... I know that it makes you not want to take care of yourself and just isolate yourself from the world. I don't do that. I love going out, and when I'm with my friends or other people, I don't feel that way. Sometimes I do, but more often than not, I just feel happy and loved and enjoy those peoples' company. There's just something missing in my life maybe? I think if I was in a good relationship, I would be happier. I also need to get over a few things from my past.

My problem is an internal thing for sure, something I need to work on inside myself. I'm not quite sure where to start or what it is though. lol. Maybe I'm just going through a rough patch because I'm off of opiates and now all I have is Suboxone and low dosages of Xanax, and I'm having to deal with life sober for the first time. I don't drink much, because A.) I don't like the hangover, B.) It doesn't make me forget, it makes me focus and I either try to kill the pain by crying in a room by myself or fucking some guy, and C.) I always do something that I wake up anxious over the next morning, whether it's a text/phone call... sleeping with someone I wouldn't have slept with sober... whatever. So yeah. Sober life be hard, yo.

By the way. Is my blog still private? I did all the things you told me to, but you're the only one commenting on my blogs lately. So either my usual readers got bored of my bitching and whining and stopped commenting lol... orrrr my blog settings are private.

 

It is - I just noticed on the side bar it says Private Blog. Hmm. I don't know how it changed by itself. Do you think you can look into it for me pretty please?

 

I'm waiting to hear back from admins on it

Depression can be a tricky beast. Socialization is a tonic against it, but in your case it might just be masking symptoms. Keep in mind that when it comes to any human trait, nothing is black and white. Some might manifest depression differently than others. Have you discussed your perceived lack of progress with your psych?

 

hi xburtonchic, it appears that you will need to go into each of your Blog entries that are set to Private and uncheck a box in the 'Options' category.

To do this, please do the following:

1. Hover over the title of the Blog entry that you would like to make Public
2. Click on the little pencil that appears to the right of the title
3. Scroll down past the text box that has the content of your entry
4. Scroll to the 'Options' category
5. Uncheck the box that says 'Restrict entry viewing to Contacts and Blog Moderators'
6. Scroll to the very bottom of the page and click on the button on the lower right hand side that says 'Save Changes'

Let us know how you make out

 

Dave - I haven't, but I plan to discuss it tomorrow when I see him My thing is that it's so on and off... that when I'm in my psychologists office, I'm already out and driving around, so I'm in a good mood, and the whole depression thing doesn't even cross my mind because in my mind it's like "Oh hey, I'm finally out of this rut." But I'm going to make it a point to talk to him about it tomorrow anyways!

Anywayy. I have absolutely no idea what's going on with my blogs, because that "Restrict entry viewing..." option is unchecked... and the "Allow Comments to be posted" option is checked. It's possible I might have done something the other week to screw it up when I was attempting to delete a draft and it wouldn't work, but idk exactly grr. :/