I'm proud of myself for (even tho I went to his Facebook page after I said I never would anymore) outdoing my ex music-wise. OK it sounds weird, but he's a DJ and I've always WANTED to be a DJ, so he was a step ahead of me in finding good music. Like, he turned me onto industrial and EBM and darkwave and some other stuff (I already liked the styles of elec that I like, for years, but other stuff he got me into.) I haven't talked to him since I told him I thought I was pregnant last April and he texted me, "Fuq U, get an abortion." Sweet. After being friends since 2005, and we had only STARTED dating when I had the scare. Then I got arrested and went to jail for 4 months, I chose not to even tell him a thing about that, and found out in jail I was not pregnant. So, I DID send him a cordial email in April, asking him to send me some pics he took of me modeling some of the shirts he designed, cuz I lost them, but he never replied. (I ended up finding the pics, and some candids of us, AND a bunch of home vids that of course I tortured myself and watched. Then that made me REALLY want to check his websites.)
So last week, late, i was on speed, I said screw it, check his Facebook. And it seriously ruffled my feathers. No, no girlfriend or good photos of him or anything, but he started doing art a few years ago, and not so much of his DJing or photography, and in the past year, his weird art really took off. Like, it's his main thing now, he's living his dream (at least, part of his dream.)
And I look at my recent endeavors, and have nothing to show! OK so I went to college and he didn't, I didn't have a kid as a teen like he did, I am not bald, I (used to) have a lot more friends than he did, but what??? In the past few years I gogo danced, modeled, kept trying my singing which I've been at since I was like 8 (and I'm not bad, I had a CD and I have my songs out there on the sites and stuff, and DJs remix my stuff), let my license expire but don't have a car or money to get a car so I don't drive, I don't have a job, I live off social security disability cuz of my back injury (thank GOD I started getting that this month... or I dunno what I'd do). I just felt like such a loser when even HE was like, living the life he wants!
So I went to his FB page to look at his latest music interests but of course ended up seeing all his artwork and looking at his photos and going to his OTHER art sites where he obviously is stoned and gets all deep about stuff (and I know he's not REALLY that deep, he likes to SEEM like it, so that irked me too... I mean, "Fuq U" really is not mature.)
Then I re-edited two little vid clips I have of us, one after a concert a couple years ago and then one with me modeling his shirts...
And it made me miss his FRIENDSHIP. More than anything else. Cuz he wasn't a great date, he was a great friend tho. but not anymore.
OK I am PROUD tho because I actually totally got obsessed about finding new music on my own, like obscure stuff that no one I know would know, so I went to last.fm and several DJ download sites that i never really paid attention to, and dammit if I don't have better music than him now.
yes, I do.
Sounds like nothing, but totally a big deal to be right now.
THEN, today I made a little Youtube video for one of my vocal trance songs that I recorded several years ago but never really put out there... using the vids of me and him, but I FXd them so you can't tell it's him, but I got the raw emotion factor for the song into the video, which I've never done before really. I'm not video pro, I was just playing really,, but I seriously have watched that video 30 times already, and re-edited it twice.
I wonder if he even makes money from his art. I know he was working little regular jobs to make ends meet. Not that I'm a gold digger. Actually it seemed he was more into me when I was making bank then when I hit hard times... don't need another guy like that (already had several.)
So even tho I'm on speed, I'm not tweaked out and doing stupid shit, I'm sleeping (enough), I'm almost back at my normal pre-rehab weight (GOD what a nightmare), and I've managed not to piss of my parents.
AND I got back to my old doc who prescribes Klonopin for me, just enough for my anxiety and insomnia, tho that's just another secret I have to keep. (My parents are really controlling since I've been back, I can't even walk to the store by myself. So I had a friend take me to my old doc thank god. And then my other friend helps me get the other stuff. Ugh I hate not being able to be independent, really, it's wearing me down and I prob have to file bankruptcy due to all my bad credit and debts.)
Before I went to jail and rehab, i was a lot more selfish but not all in a bad way. I'm now still so worried about what others think or what they might say or do. I never used to be like that. i hope I get over it.
Well, I turned 35 last week and thank GOD I still get carded. I honestly cannot see myself being married with kids right now, like most of my friends are. Some aren't. Some are divorced. I don't FEEL 35. I don't LOOK 35. I don't ACT 35. (Tho sometimes I act, like, 85.)
OK babbling, should go... bye!!!
So last week, late, i was on speed, I said screw it, check his Facebook. And it seriously ruffled my feathers. No, no girlfriend or good photos of him or anything, but he started doing art a few years ago, and not so much of his DJing or photography, and in the past year, his weird art really took off. Like, it's his main thing now, he's living his dream (at least, part of his dream.)
And I look at my recent endeavors, and have nothing to show! OK so I went to college and he didn't, I didn't have a kid as a teen like he did, I am not bald, I (used to) have a lot more friends than he did, but what??? In the past few years I gogo danced, modeled, kept trying my singing which I've been at since I was like 8 (and I'm not bad, I had a CD and I have my songs out there on the sites and stuff, and DJs remix my stuff), let my license expire but don't have a car or money to get a car so I don't drive, I don't have a job, I live off social security disability cuz of my back injury (thank GOD I started getting that this month... or I dunno what I'd do). I just felt like such a loser when even HE was like, living the life he wants!
So I went to his FB page to look at his latest music interests but of course ended up seeing all his artwork and looking at his photos and going to his OTHER art sites where he obviously is stoned and gets all deep about stuff (and I know he's not REALLY that deep, he likes to SEEM like it, so that irked me too... I mean, "Fuq U" really is not mature.)
Then I re-edited two little vid clips I have of us, one after a concert a couple years ago and then one with me modeling his shirts...
And it made me miss his FRIENDSHIP. More than anything else. Cuz he wasn't a great date, he was a great friend tho. but not anymore.
OK I am PROUD tho because I actually totally got obsessed about finding new music on my own, like obscure stuff that no one I know would know, so I went to last.fm and several DJ download sites that i never really paid attention to, and dammit if I don't have better music than him now.
yes, I do.
Sounds like nothing, but totally a big deal to be right now.
THEN, today I made a little Youtube video for one of my vocal trance songs that I recorded several years ago but never really put out there... using the vids of me and him, but I FXd them so you can't tell it's him, but I got the raw emotion factor for the song into the video, which I've never done before really. I'm not video pro, I was just playing really,, but I seriously have watched that video 30 times already, and re-edited it twice.
I wonder if he even makes money from his art. I know he was working little regular jobs to make ends meet. Not that I'm a gold digger. Actually it seemed he was more into me when I was making bank then when I hit hard times... don't need another guy like that (already had several.)
So even tho I'm on speed, I'm not tweaked out and doing stupid shit, I'm sleeping (enough), I'm almost back at my normal pre-rehab weight (GOD what a nightmare), and I've managed not to piss of my parents.
AND I got back to my old doc who prescribes Klonopin for me, just enough for my anxiety and insomnia, tho that's just another secret I have to keep. (My parents are really controlling since I've been back, I can't even walk to the store by myself. So I had a friend take me to my old doc thank god. And then my other friend helps me get the other stuff. Ugh I hate not being able to be independent, really, it's wearing me down and I prob have to file bankruptcy due to all my bad credit and debts.)
Before I went to jail and rehab, i was a lot more selfish but not all in a bad way. I'm now still so worried about what others think or what they might say or do. I never used to be like that. i hope I get over it.
Well, I turned 35 last week and thank GOD I still get carded. I honestly cannot see myself being married with kids right now, like most of my friends are. Some aren't. Some are divorced. I don't FEEL 35. I don't LOOK 35. I don't ACT 35. (Tho sometimes I act, like, 85.)
OK babbling, should go... bye!!!