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And it's not like I'd know where to go buy illegal stuff! ;) But I've been feeling very nostalgic for Djarums lately.

Just the thought of the smell of a Djarum Black brings me back to high school, 2003/4ish. The delightful taste of clove cigarettes... like a Christmas ham and an after-sex smoke.

The beautiful black paper they were rolled in. The sugary sweet filtered tip. The red and black box that held the cigarettes in 2 rows of ten cigarettes. Quality stuff, in my 17 year old opinion. I haven't had a clove in 8 years but I do think I would still enjoy them.



Cloves were $10/pack. This was in New York City, Manhattan, 2003/4 prices so that was still expensive. Marlboro Menthol Lights were probably $7. But they were definitely worth the splurge.

Yes, I was one of those assholes who perfumed entire city blocks with the smell of clove cigarettes. Sometimes I'd catch a whiff of clove and follow the scent wherever it led me. I had a lot of time on my hands, really. Or else it could have been the cocaine. Cocaine takes you on strange journeys.

I could make a pack of cloves last 20 days. All I needed was one cigarette a day. They were incredibly harsh. People who I knew smoked a pack of cloves a day typically didn't have the easiest time breathing.

One time the Dean of Security took me to his office after I smoked a clove and asked me if I was stoned. Because of the smell. My mom thought they were pot too. Some lame NYU chicks asked me and one of my friends if they were "those special herbal cigarettes" and I was like, "Uhhh, suuuure..." and gave them one. I thought about it and later realized they thought I gave them a joint. HAHAHAHAHA. That's funny. Like I'm the fucking joint fairy or something.

I wish I could have been a fly on the wall at the party where the power of placebo got these skanky bitches living off of daddy's money "high". Hahahaha.

Anyway, I am debating whether or not I should snort more oxy. And then whether to snort -codone or -morphone. This shit is fucking crazy.

Ohh, if you used to smoke cloves please share your stories and love or even hate if you hate 'em. Free speech and all that shit. :P


My son for the past week has had pupils the size of saucers, like he's tripping on something. He's not been on meds and no head injury. His pupils are just HUGE. Its freaky and at times I can't help but chuckle.

LOL.

I'm gonna look into it but I just find it weird. They've been that way since a couple days before thanksgiving (October 10th).

Freaky....

Oh and the above picture is the smallest it was all that weekend, normally there's just a sliver of blue. 8o
<sorry, we don't allow drug testing questions anywhere on BL. There are other sites where you can find assistance with this question or you can search our Archives. Please re-read the Bluelight User Agreement you agreed to when signing up. Thanks. --OverDone>
It’s Funny how I saved this photograph I found on someones tumblr a while back. I just knew one day I would want to reflect on this photo and its contents. When I initially saw it I couldn’t agree more. Now when I look at it in retrospect I still think it’s hilarious but also complete bogus. First off, nothing is impossible. Secondly, when having a very optimistic outlook on life this picture is counterproductive towards everything I currently stand for. I think when I first viewed this photograph it just instantly brought back memories of a darker era in my previous fuck up stage of life. However, at the same time was someway relevant to the current status of my life now. In this photo everything correlates to drug usage. The only reason why I feel that I could relate to this photo now is simply by the adding of ‘fattening’ and ‘expensive’. That I can relate to because for some odd reason, I chose the most expensive hobbies to get into. I couldn’t just pick up a skateboard and skate around town spending $100 or less. I chose photography. FUCKING expensive hobby and I was really not ready for the reality slap of how expensive parts for cameras could accumulate to. After photography I chose another FUCKING expensive hobby which is bicycling. I don’t know if Lance Armstrong had anything to do with my decision however the suspension of my California Drivers License was the reason why I picked up this hobby. Well, back to the reason why I feel that this photo is basically directed towards drug usage and drug users. “Everything I like is either ILLEGAL, IMMORAL, fattening, ADDICTIVE, expensive, or IMPOSSIBLE.” Drugs are illegal, immoral, fattening(munchies), addictive(duh), expensive(hell fucking yes), impossible(to get sometimes).

I look at this photo and I just grin cynically. I know what that path looks/feels like and it’s a path I am far, FAR away from ever stepping foot in again. Whether it is marijuana, E, or whatever an individual is using this photo just describes a drug addict. Earlier in my post I mentioned that nothing is impossible. Cliche? fuck you, move aside. I’ll just end this rant with stay optimistic, kind, and humble. Keep your eye on the prize and that prize could differ for every individual and change throughout time. Me specifically, becoming a Multimillionaire before 30 is my ultimate life goal. When I become a multimillionaire everything I like will not be illegal, immoral, addictive, or impossible; everything will be within ‘reach’. Happiness is awaiting me.
I found this several weeks ago in town:
NSFW:



Sorry for the image being horribly out of focus. That's the best my digital point-and-shoot will do for something that close to the lens. The fuzzy hairs on the stem don't show up, but they were there, especially near the pod. The cap doesn't really point up in a cup shape but is more flat across. The pod about as wide across as a quarter.
It had already been dry for several weeks when I picked it.

At the time, I was convinced that it was a papaver somniferum pod, but now I doubt it. I picked several and brewed tea from them, but other than burning the back of my throat, they had no effect. So I was wondering if anyone (Rach?) can identify it.
You know, I'm a nice guy, I stay to myself for the most part, I try to when I can. I show great respect for others and authority.Yet asking a simple question in a forum that encourages questions, complaints and what have you to the BL staff was met with answers calling me arrogant for having asked my question in the first plachelpe. Told pretty much to go stick it as my request would require too much work and an over all feeling that I had some set of balls to have even asked my question in the first place.

You know yesterday all I could do was praise BL because I felt like it was a community where we all could come together on common ground, with common issues, and common challenges. Now today I feel as though I'm an out cast banished back to my place of hell in which I have tried for years now to get out of and finally feel like a useful part of society. Perhaps I am taking the responses a little to rough, but I say deal with it. I have the right to speak my mind and and be that better man then I was. Whatever the case, I think I will find myself keeping it quiet around here for a while now. I will not speak unless spoken too, and I will not involve myself in anyone else's issues. Hopefully this will keep me out of trouble.

Peace out for now......
we headed out at about noon, the car packed and waiting with a rusty bumper and two dents, one to match the other. he had carried me mile upon crazed mile, drifting through space and time with the grin of mechanic slyness. the only ropes with this one was age. clairence would soon sputter dry and i could either take it easy on him or ride the fucker until it screams death, so naturally i chose the latter.
we stopped to load up on gas and alcoholic beverages pleasing to all senses at the local kroger off the interstate. mountains of people littered the place giving me the wort kind of creeps so i stayed behind and reflected about the time to come. northbound and ready for the type of laughter that splits the neck with vise scripts and a neatly polished crowbar from uncle john's locked cabinet. i was smiling at myself in the rear view mirror when my cohorts returned with crackling plastic bags weighed with various cargo for moonlit happenings.
delicious food can take camp pretty far. the steak flavor was still in my mouth when the trees started finding themselves. the woods is somewhere i feel especially at home and jesus was i home. i could taste the reality like star hinted memories crossing a blind side. the entirety of my hands on batteries was a realization i just could not handle. get the batteries in. but my fumbles were too heavy with entirely present dysfunction.
the silhouette of the leaves kaleidoscoped into copious amounts of repetitive patterns against the moon's huge ass face beaming down on the tiny me between rocks too huge to be just rocks. stars fastened themselves into glittering pops of reappearing light puzzles that were as fragile as milk crystals. my phone was alive...and all the time i had the blue and purple light in the second pocket of my bag.
Too many words on the the tip of my tongue and
I can never figure out
When to speak when to shout when to shut up
When to knock myself out

I need a brainwash
Gray-matter bath
I need the clutter all
Thrown in the trash
I need a brain wash, cause I'm a loon

So could ya please throw my head in a tub?
I could really use a cereberal scrub
Wash away what I know
It's an overrated frontal lobe

Expensive thrills
sexual perversity
are always filling my mind

Mixed with guilt
Cause of bombs over dresden
Are kinda bringing me down

I need a brainwash
Gray-matter bath
I need the clutter all
Thrown in the trash
I need a brain wash, cause I'm a loon

Cause Im a psycho-babble brain
A real life looney toon
A mixed up maniac, Im certifyable
So put me in a room right next to Nicholson
And give me thorazine Cause all I wanna do
Is sing traditional songs
But I like to sing in minor technologies
Not making sense
So could you please throw my head in a tub
I could really use a cereberal scrub
Wash away all I know
It's an over rated frontal lobe
& i guess i'll have to be fine too...but i'm not.
I’ve worked with this guy for about over a year now. He is very cute, muscles, blonde hair and he has that personality that everyone can get along with him. So funny. Him and I get along and we use to flirt constantly but then he asked out a co worker and then our scheduled got switched so I hardly saw him. But I guess just recently they broke up and well he was inviting me to this group thing with my work and I said sure and then so I gave him my number. And then he kept texting me all the time. He asked to hang out and I said yes and he asked me a bunch of questions about my sex life and I lied, I have no sex life. I am a virgin. Quite honestly I didn’t think it would matter whether I told the truth because he is leaving in December. But what I didn’t really expect that he was going to ask me to be friends with benefits. The weird thing is that I usually chicken out at every chance I get with a boy, if some one tries to hold my hands I feel uncomfortable and never talk to them again. Well I lied to him and he kept pressuring me, over and over. And I wanted to do it with him. But since I lied I didn’t want to. I ended up having my first kiss with him and he doesn’t even know. Since then he has only texted me twice “to hang out”. The thing is I am very self conscience about myself, because I am overweight and I am convinced I am not pretty. And I know he is just using me. But is it weird that I am actually considering to have sex with this guy that I hardly know? I feel almost I should tell him the truth, and go for it but then again maybe I should just not and wait for someone that I like and have actually have had a relationship with. What should I do?
If I did decide to go for it would he be mad that I lied cause I would have to tell the truth cause it would be a obvious fact. I also asked him if he would still be asking me this question if I was a virgin and he said yes. Also i am 18 by the way.
Was alright. I am on the last of my bud, it bums me out but I'm going to the dispensary tomorrow. I've recently taken up guitar and learning how to play knockin' on heavens door. Biking I have also discovered a passion for and it's great exercise. I went to the farmer's market today for the first time, they have great prices and the food is better than grocery store shit IMO. Oh and my garden is looking beautiful. Three bubba kush, five super lemon have, one white widow, one durban poison, one white russian, and one sweet deep grapefruit.




The sweet deep grapefruit is in the germination process (I just got it!). I also have a tomato plant, pepper plant, and baby carrots growing in there. I love pot so much! ha ha. I love that at when I started writing this I was sober and when I got to the end I smoked one bowl and got really high. DAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaank
I've finished my month of hiking a segment of the Pacific Crest Trail in the Sierra Nevadas and have returned to the ranch in eastern Oregon. Actually, I've been back for a while, but only recently have I had the chance to get another laptop out of storage. It's a dusty Compaq Presario that's nearly 10 years old, but after a few days of compiling a linux kernel customized, stripped down, and streamlined for older hardware, I've now got a laptop that is as functional for basic tasks as any of the fancy new ones. The screen on the first laptop I had been using here died, and I hadn't gotten around to ordering the part to repair it. I've also been able to borrow the satellite modem again. All this is running on what is now 3 45 Watt solar panels and a bank of car batteries powered by the rapidly dwindling intervals of sunlight available as the days shorten and winter approaches.

Getting around by public transportation in the US, especially in rural areas, is more difficult than it seems like it should be in a rich and “developed” country. It involves long (as in waiting a couple of days for a bus or train and being stuck as I was in Portland for a day). I've read that 3rd world/developing countries often have better public transportation networks than what is available here. Here on the other hand, much of the public transportation infrastructure which included train service that was accessible from virtually anywhere in the country no matter how rural, was ripped up after WWII.

That said, the ride back from my hike was not too bad. After finishing at Mt. Whitney (that section was a zoo with so many other people (Southern Californians) hiking up the same route as myself), I caught a 4 am CREST bus at Lone Pine. The bus was already crowded at that hour and I felt lucky to get a seat. I got on near to the last. I was kind of worried about how I would smell. I say this after having worn the same clothes, th esame pants, underwear, shirt, shoes, and socks for around 1 month while doing very strenuous activity. I tried to keep from stinking by washing everything with stream or lake water and a drop of shampoo every few days. Except that I'm using a horse watering trough for bathing water, that's also how I'm staying clean here at the ranch.

I was to travel north on that bus to Reno, Nevada. But by the time the bus had reached Mammoth Lakes, about half way to Reno, I needed a break from the ride. After being relatively alone in the mountains for a month (more than 2 months counting the time in Eastern Oregon), it takes a while to get used to crowds. So I exited the bus, puttered around town, and then checked into a hostel.

After spending several hours in town (mostly reading, journaling, and drinking coffee), I started to feel as though I might be up for doing something social. So I joined up with some people at the hostel who were on their way to a party a local brewery was catering. Once there, I ate my fill of free grilled brautwurst, corn-on-the-cob and beer. This event was a very lucky find and was all very welcome after a month of eating powdered eggs, cliff bars, tuna packets, granola, cooscoos, tortillas. My diet wasn't quite that bad the whole time. I had often foraged when I wasn't busy trying to maintain my mileage. The tastiest foods I had on the hike included pine needles (You'd be surprised at what tastes good after eating powdered eggs day after day, and according to the GEM SAS Collin's Survival Guide, tea made from them is a rich source of vitamin C, a nutrient that I make sure to ingest regularly after a brush with scurvy as a college student), pine nuts, and an occasional fresh brook trout roasted in a piece of foil with wild onions, berries, various roots, tubers, and mushrooms (an edible species of Bolete was abundant along much of the trail) .

The next morning after the party, I rode the 8:30 bus to Reno, transferred to Sacramento, then transferred to an Amtrak train bound for Portland.

Train rides are sometimes their own unpredictable adventure. A ride can be fun as you talk to people and pass through sublimely beautiful landscapes, or it can be a Hell Ride. I think I recently blogged about a couple of really, really horrible train rides. Briefly, one time for example, a passenger (he had boarded in Sacramento) stood up, and in the space between his seat and the one in front, he pulled down his pants and simultaneously sprayed blasts of diarrhea and urine out of his body. The foul smell made staying in the car unbearable. Unfortunately, the train was crowded/booked solid and there were no available seats in other cars for me to retreat to. I had to sit there and endure the stench and ensuing nausea and burning sensation in my eyes.

And another time when my gf was riding Amtrak alone, some homeless people got on in Sacramento. Again, Sacramento. That city's train station borders the down town area which fro some reason attracts hordes of the homeless, drunks, and crack-heads. Sometimes they sneak on the trains without a ticket or the money to buy one. Anyway, one of them randomly walked up to her, accused her of stealing his bag of day-old bagels, and threatened to kill her, and then he assaulted another passenger. There was a police investigation that stopped the train for several hours because of that. He and some others were taken to jail.

Anyway, this train was full as usual. The conductor assigned me to a seat next to a very drunk and belching man of Mexican ethnicity who wore a thick black mustachio that made him look like Cheech Marin. Somebody whispered to me that he had been drinking since he got on in San Diego earlier that morning. It was now around 11:30 pm. He would occasionally wake up from his stupor belch, and make belligerent comments that didn't make sense. In one exchange, he was angry at me because I have the appearance of an Eastern European and he was mad because he thought I was a foreigner and that I couldn't speak English. This went on for a few minutes. Then he calmed down, said he was sorry, and gave me one of his beers.

Any way, I was thinking of the empty seat behind me, the very last seat in the back of the last car. Although it was the conductor's seat, I moved back there and started reading. Then, within a half hour, the conductor returned (it was her seat) and, despite my protest, made me move back with the drunk. But she promised to give me her seat after she made her rounds and went to the crew's quarters.

Within a half hour after that, a Medical Marijuana Guy who was sitting a few seats ahead of me started handing out hash brownies to some of the passengers who were still awake including myself. A scarfed down the brownie. It reminded me that I was still quite hungry from my hike. As though on cue, the conductor returned, put me back in th empty seat, and gifted my with a bag of barbequeud ribs which I really enjoyed.

I arrived in Portland the afternoon of the next day, too late to catch the bus to eastern Oregon. So I camped in the woods in Forest Park (a 10 mile long park that begins a couple of miles from the Amtrak station) while I waited for the bus that wouldn't leave for eastern Oregon until the afternoon of the day after. And finally made it back here.
Well first I figured I would start out with a few words about myself.

Im a 37 year old male, who is a recovering alcoholic. 2 years ago, my disease beat me to the ground when I was unknowingly sick with a severe kidney infection, and being chronically drunk I had no clue how sick I was until my kidneys shut down on my from lack of any medical treatment for the infection. This lead me to continue nievely still drinking to the point where my liver shut down and I was in full renal shut down. A good friend of mine noticed somethings were not right with me and drove 1 hour to my house scooped me up and took me to my local ER. I was completely jaundice, very lethargic and had sever hepatic encephalopathy. I was immediately admitted into the hospital and spent the next 2 months or so recovering in ICU. For those that know anything about a persons condition who is a few minutes short of being in a hepatic coma then you will understand that having an ammonia level of 187 is about 1 step short of death.

I have spent the last 2 years still recovering from what alcoholism has done to me mentally and physically. I now suffer physically from End Stage Liver disease, cirrhosis, and hepaticocellular disease (extremely enlarged liver and spleen) but I do not have viral hepatitis which is what usually causes the enlargement. I am still undergoing multiple tests to understand what is causing this swelling which does not usually coincide with cirrhosis, which cirrhosis by itself is not a painful disease, but I assure you I am in severe visceral pain from my liver, the pain is being caused by the hepaticocellular disease and my GI doctor is having me go for a full work up for the possibility of a liver transplant.

Due to the severe pain I am being treated by a pain management doctor, this due to all the pain medications I have been on and currently on have lead me to very many questions to which from doing many google searches have continually landed me here at bluelight.ru.

This site has been a godsend to me and a wealth of knowledge for practically every question I have ever had. For the ones I could not answer from searching, I decided to join the membership here and what a welcome surprise this has been. This is one of the best, most organized and well maintained forums sites I have ever had the pleasure of being a member of. This site has a lot of rules which can be alot for a new member, but these rules are in place for a good reason. Without these rules, this place could not be the site and wealth of knowledge it is today.

I would like it to be known how much I enjoy it here, and how much I respect these rules, the forums, and the excellent job all the mods do here to make this my favorite sites to come to, not to mention how much I learn by coming here.

All that having been said and for those that want to say that I'm trying to suck up to the mods or trying to gain brownie points for saying what I have about everything here, I say go to hell and find someone else to save that rhetoric for because you will be wasting it on the wrong person as I do not really care what you think of me for it. This site has been a great relief for me to have found somewhere that I can speak my mind and discuss topics with people with like problems and issues. A place where I can discuss pain medications with people with out being labeled a dope head, pill popper, or addict because of the meds that I am on. A place where your not judged because your taking pain meds, the list goes on and on.

So thanks Bluelight and keep it up, thanks for being there to listen, even if you don't always reply. Much respect (even though occasionally I have inadvertently broken some of the forums rules).

Peace out!

Respectfully,

Painenduser
Man, I can't even front: me having a job is a bad look. i understand that there has to be some balance between the good times and the bad, and I will admit that I'm all fucked up right now - I haven't changed my drawers in a week - but that last job really hurt my emotions. It made me realize that most people are cool, but the ones who are hoes are the ones who take all the time. And I was about to lose my temper waiting tables. Maybe I haven't lived in the suburbs long enough, but I don't like how these escapist yuppies walk around like every day is Christmas during a recession. And it's m responsibility to act like it's cool that I'm scrounging for tips? Hell no. The U.S.A. is a cocaine-consuming, war-mongering money washing center. I'll think outside of the box on this one.
I found this several weeks ago in town:
NSFW:



Sorry for the image being horribly out of focus. That's the best my digital point-and-shoot will do for something that close to the lens. The fuzzy hairs on the stem don't show up, but they were there, especially near the pod. The cap doesn't really point up in a cup shape but is more flat across. The pod about as wide across as a quarter.
It had already been dry for several weeks when I picked it.

At the time, I was convinced that it was a papaver somniferum pod, but now I doubt it. I picked several and brewed tea from them, but other than burning the back of my throat, they had no effect. So I was wondering if anyone (Rach?) can identify it.
The other night I had this nightmare where a bunch of foxes were running around in the dark in the living room, randomly jumping toward me and snapping while I was curled in a ball. I read this as a clear sign that I needed to go do something, so I signed up to do some volunteer work at approximately noon tomorrow. I have no idea what I'll be doing, but I do know that it will be with addicts at a hospital for two days per week, 8 hours per day.

I think it will be cool and it might even introduce me to the possibility that work can be rewarding. Baby steps, baby steps.
Scored a fair bit of Lorazepam over the weekend. Didn't know much about it so thought I'd give it a whirl. Looked on Bluelight and Erowid for some how-to's. Read about some trips to the ER, so thought 10mg would be a good starting point. What a let down, didn't do anything. I mean maybe it took the edge off, but so does cheap scotch. Took another 5mg after about an hour, still not much of anything. Did them sublingual, each pill being 1mg each. Should I have banged it? Is there ever much fun to be had with this, or was I barking up the wrong tree?
does anybody know of any good online speak easys if u catch my drift think about it for a sec now especially any opperating out of pak i stan?
As the final labored breath of a dying day leaves the diseased sky in a sputter of sickening ochre, the fell caress of creeping malice fills the air of a night blacker yet than all those before it. Ever new morbidity, organic and writhing, manifests and is lost in the mounting wave, the now familiar progression that weighs on the soul of the world like a cloak, unshakable and leaden with sentient cruelty. I alone am keenly aware of the suffocating miasma beyond the faint glow of the defensive shield, a device of synthetic origin. Crafted by man, it serves as a barrier against the better part of his assailant's crushing presence. Those in my company are oblivious to the corrosive auras beyond, their sanity protected by the fortifying wards of desperate science.
I have no idea what's going on but I am hearing children making weird noises near my apt and I am wondering why they're doing that. Sounds like crying and/or cooing of some sort.

In other news I'm back in hollywood so pm me if yer in the LA area to chill drink, get a little high on dank medical weed and have live dj's spinning for a fucking out of this world party!!!
As I ride the wave of newly found inspiration, I wanted to share some bits and pieces of my writings to my favorite online community ;)

The first is a bit that I suppose would appeal most to fans of science fiction, dark apocalyptic tales, and so forth. However, I must warn all readers about the work from which this line of clippings is derived; elements of the universe therein is about as dark, gritty, and morbid as alternative realities in literature can get. On the other hand, I hope you enjoy and find it interesting. The work as whole is focused on hope, passion, and all the brightest facets of the human spectrum.

Thanks for reading, and I am open to all kinds of feedback, so fire at will!
Got so many questions dont know where to begin or where to look if anyone knows much about methodone let me know what dosage i should take..
ive ooked and looked and looked and just got an email that my blog was deleted WTF i need advice. running out of opiates 7-8 30mg oxycode, 7-8 10mg hydro, and 7-8 1 mg xanax per day and i got 4 10 mg methadone to las tme till the 21st. still got 44 30s 2 hydro and 3 xanax. what should i do?
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