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I found this several weeks ago in town:

Sorry for the image being horribly out of focus. That's the best my digital point-and-shoot will do for something that close to the lens. The fuzzy hairs on the stem don't show up, but they were there, especially near the pod. The cap doesn't really point up in a cup shape but is more flat across. The pod about as wide across as a quarter.
It had already been dry for several weeks when I picked it.

At the time, I was convinced that it was a papaver somniferum pod, but now I doubt it. I picked several and brewed tea from them, but other than burning the back of my throat, they had no effect. So I was wondering if anyone (Rach?) can identify it.

The other night I had this nightmare where a bunch of foxes were running around in the dark in the living room, randomly jumping toward me and snapping while I was curled in a ball. I read this as a clear sign that I needed to go do something, so I signed up to do some volunteer work at approximately noon tomorrow. I have no idea what I'll be doing, but I do know that it will be with addicts at a hospital for two days per week, 8 hours per day.

I think it will be cool and it might even introduce me to the possibility that work can be rewarding. Baby steps, baby steps.

Scored a fair bit of Lorazepam over the weekend. Didn't know much about it so thought I'd give it a whirl. Looked on Bluelight and Erowid for some how-to's. Read about some trips to the ER, so thought 10mg would be a good starting point. What a let down, didn't do anything. I mean maybe it took the edge off, but so does cheap scotch. Took another 5mg after about an hour, still not much of anything. Did them sublingual, each pill being 1mg each. Should I have banged it? Is there ever much fun to be had with this, or was I barking up the wrong tree?

does anybody know of any good online speak easys if u catch my drift think about it for a sec now especially any opperating out of pak i stan?

As the final labored breath of a dying day leaves the diseased sky in a sputter of sickening ochre, the fell caress of creeping malice fills the air of a night blacker yet than all those before it. Ever new morbidity, organic and writhing, manifests and is lost in the mounting wave, the now familiar progression that weighs on the soul of the world like a cloak, unshakable and leaden with sentient cruelty. I alone am keenly aware of the suffocating miasma beyond the faint glow of the defensive shield, a device of synthetic origin. Crafted by man, it serves as a barrier against the better part of his assailant's crushing presence. Those in my company are oblivious to the corrosive auras beyond, their sanity protected by the fortifying wards of desperate science.

I have no idea what's going on but I am hearing children making weird noises near my apt and I am wondering why they're doing that. Sounds like crying and/or cooing of some sort.

In other news I'm back in hollywood so pm me if yer in the LA area to chill drink, get a little high on dank medical weed and have live dj's spinning for a fucking out of this world party!!!

As I ride the wave of newly found inspiration, I wanted to share some bits and pieces of my writings to my favorite online community

The first is a bit that I suppose would appeal most to fans of science fiction, dark apocalyptic tales, and so forth. However, I must warn all readers about the work from which this line of clippings is derived; elements of the universe therein is about as dark, gritty, and morbid as alternative realities in literature can get. On the other hand, I hope you enjoy and find it interesting. The work as whole is focused on hope, passion, and all the brightest facets of the human spectrum.

Thanks for reading, and I am open to all kinds of feedback, so fire at will!

Got so many questions dont know where to begin or where to look if anyone knows much about methodone let me know what dosage i should take..

email [email protected] got a serious question

ive ooked and looked and looked and just got an email that my blog was deleted WTF i need advice. running out of opiates 7-8 30mg oxycode, 7-8 10mg hydro, and 7-8 1 mg xanax per day and i got 4 10 mg methadone to las tme till the 21st. still got 44 30s 2 hydro and 3 xanax. what should i do?

Someone help me with this quick, Im a newbie to this site. And Im about outta meds HELP!!!!!

ive been taking 5-6 30mg oxycodones a day 6-7 10mg hydros and 7-8 1mg xanax a day. Will 10 mg off methadone a day help me till i go back to the doc? Or do I need more? email me [email protected] get on my email more often. thanks for veryones help.

High school's ending for me soon. My grandma owns property out in the sticks near the cascades but she lives in Arizona. She gave me permission to live up there and I thought great, I'll start a farm. But to start a farm you need money and there are no job opportunities out there especially in this recession. So I decided I'll postpone my farmer dream and join the Navy. I can't think of a downside (except staying sober). I'll put in about four years, get experience I could use in the outside world, while saving all the money I earn. After I should have enough to start my farm. I already have the property I would use the money I saved from the Navy to buy equipment. I'm plan on eventually taking myself of the grid, plenty of game and fresh water up there.
This will happen in about seven months. What do you guys think about my plan?

IM NOT SURE....IV BEEN ABUSING FENTANYL FOR 2 WEEKS NOW....IM IN A RUSH AND EVEN WORRYING ABOUT MY SPELLING...IVE BEEN USING A NASAL SPRAY BUT I DONT WANT TO GO TO A HOSPITAL BECAUSE IM NOT NODDING OUT I JUST FEEL VERT STRANGE IN THE HEAD...I DID THIS BECAUSE I FAILED MY COMPOSITION CLASS PLEASE I NEED ADVICE...SHOULD I CALL A POISON CONTROL HOTLINE? IM AWAKE AND NOT NODDING BUT COULD I PASS OUT AT ANY MOMENT? IM GOING TO GO WALK OUTSIDE AND WALK AROUND BECAUSE I KNOW UR NOT SUPPOSE TO GO TO SLEEP. I KNOW ITS STUPID TO THINK THE OARAMEICS SHOULD BE CALLED IF I THNK IM IN DANGE....PLEASE RESPONDWHAT CAN I DO TO ENSURE MY SAFETY AT THIS POINT? HOW LONG SHOULD I WAIT BEFORE BED? MY TOLERANCE IS VERY HIGH BUT I FEEL STRANGE AND ITS JUST SCARING ME BECAUSE I HAVE PANIC AND ANXIETY DISORDER AND PTSD...WHAT CAN I DO TO THAT WILL HELP? PLEASE I KNOW THS IS TUPID BUT I DONT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO

So, today is thanksgiving. I have put the potatoes on for the stuffing, turkey is waiting to be seasoned and stuffed. Gonna make Turkey with stuffing in, acorn squash, mash potatoes, green beans, sweet baby carrots, and Apple pie and Pumpkin pie for desert. All made from scratch, by me. Started a little late so I envision eating around 6pm or so when we normally eat around 4-5pm range. Oh well, that's alright.

First holiday with my gal, its been fun

Kiddo is being a pain in the arse, rules are no eating on the sofa and he's throwing fits to eat while sitting on the sofa. Argh! He's doing it too because he knows I'm getting pissed that he's sneaking food to the sofa every couple minutes. Told me " Fuck You " when i sent him to his room to calm down. I'm short tempered today because I have to do EVERYTHING, well of my own choice so I'm not pissed at anyone. Its hard too because I am used to doing certain traditions with my dad on this day and he's been gone now for the 2nd thanksgiving.

Well, better get back to cooking.

Hope you Canadian BL'ers are having an awesome day!

When I first moved here in 2007 there was one synagouge in Makati, in Metro Manila, but nobody really took an interest in it. All things considered there were maybe 150 Jews in the entire nation, including the Israeli Embassy (also in Makati). Fast foward to 2011 and there are now enough of us to support another synagouge and two koser take away joints (all in Makati). Seeing as how I still sublet a studio in Makati I had planned to spend a good week and a half or two shacked up with Joysa and take in the 10 day Holy Period from Rosh HaShanah (New Year) to Yom Kippur.

Of course good plans often go awry. Even if the NPA (Maoists) didn't start blowing up ships last week I still wouldn't have gone because I became very ill. Everybody here is pushing me to go to a shaman. Here they basically have two cures. Either it is a coconut or a cobra. When Rizza was young she almost died from a childhood disease until a shaman shoved cocnut oil down her gullet but the usual bullshit involves a dash of cobra venom. No thanks.

That reminds me. Ever since some rice farmer killed a 7 meter (21 ft) cobra (I saw it personally so it isn't an exaggeration) I have been anal retentive about getting some cobra anti-venom. Hospitals here don't stock it, but then cancer patients get anti-psychotics due to a lack og analgesics (blame me for that one maybe haha, nah it predates me by decades). I planned to buy it in Manila but then saw a nature show where this bloke was in Papua, on New Guinea and paranoid he went to the best Rx in the capital. He wanted it because he was shadowing some fat Aussie whose mission in life is milking highly venemous snakes so as to synthesise anti-venom for outlying settlements.

The man shadowing him buys a single vial that the Rx had for something like 500 US. He goes to the snake freak's house and proudly shows him his big prophylactic and Aussie fatso laughed at him. He told him it is for a snake found in some other part of the world.The journalist was a bit peeved and so he and fatso went to see the Minister of Health to complain. The Secretary made a big show of going back to the Rx and reaming out its Chinese propietress who calmly shrugged her shoulders in that non-commital way that most Chinese habve, guess when you eaty rat tongues and deep fried kittens (actual menu items mind you and the kitties are skinned alived and then dumped in boiling oil yum yum) you can be non-plussed about everything.

So, in the end, I reckoned that even if I had the one in a million cobra bite the rare vial I shelled an arm and a leg for wouldn't save me so why bother?

Speaking of giant wildlife, long time readers of this Blog will remember that a year or two ago a little Manobo tribal girl living in a floating village in Agusan Marsh had been travelling in her tiny dugout canoe when a giant croc nearly 7 meters long (almost 21 feet) snatched her by the head and had an hors d'ourve. Now, the record for crocodiles I believe is a mere 19 feet. Noone believed that croc was that big, a record-breaking specimin. Last week one well over 21 feet was taken alive in the neighbouring municipality of Bayugan and so now Guiness is sending some motherfucker with a sweetass job to come "officially" measure it despite having it already certified by several experts already. Me? I would just be happy if the artillery stopped long enough for me to go buy a case of Sprite down the road.

I've been in a moderately happy place of mind for quite a while now. I shut most negativity out to die out in a blizzard but this http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/threads/589496-Date-rape-drugs really got to me. I can't help but sorrow for victims such as these. I know bad people exist but then i think again and I don't want to be the pessimist seeing the worst in people like i used to. Maybe this is a subject best left in the dark, the kind of thing i can only hope to never be a victim of, and only live my life as freely as I am now.


~Stay Safe

So, I admitted to my probation officer that I have been smoking a lot of pot lately. He bluffed me one day, so I caved.

Anyway, I had to spend the weekend in jail. It wasn't bad at all.

Since I recently did a 6 month stretch, the whole staff remembered me and was cool to me. I got to go in one of the back rooms with Mrs. Coker, who takes care of the intake. I saw a big bill board with all of the pods and a picture of each inmate. I got to choose which one I got put in. Totally player. I looked at A7 pod, and it had a lot of empty beds, and younger looking folks, so I chose that one.

My bunk mate kind of had an attitude at first, meaning he prolly was tank boss. He wanted to trade my breakfast cereal and milk for some coffee, and I respectfully declined. He was obviously trying to hustle me and I did not cave in to his trick. I talked a lot about drugs, which kinda of made me have some cravings, as well as detailed drug dreams. One of my bunk mates told a story about how one of his ex girls prepared a shot of meth for him. After injection, he started to feel really weird. That is because she put some kind of blood pressure pill in his shot. Pretty messed up but we got a laugh out of it.

I started working on my med-pass hustle. Everynight, certain inmates get their medication passed to them. That is usually where I come in. I drew one of my bunk mates an envelope (art hustle) and I was able to get my hands on a Seroquel. Not the best I have done, but it was enough to make me pretty much sleep the entire weekend away.

Well they woke me up today around 4:30pm saying I could get my shit together and go. I talked with one of the workers whom I know from my previous stay. He was showing me these bracelets that an inmate didnt want. One of them said "fly above haters" and it reminded me of bluelight, since there are so many haters on here. He let me keep the bracelet.

So, it wasn't that bad.

Well I've been sort-of talking to four different guys lately, since I broke it off with ***. And one of them I was starting to develop legitimate feelings for, I mean, we had a really good connection. We'd hang out for hours... I'm talking all day... and before we knew it would be like 1 am and we wouldn't even realize it. Out of all of them, he's the one I definitely feel the most connected to both mentally and as far as physical attraction goes. And he always gives me a ton of compliments, is really flattering, he just acts like... a gentleman. I mean, he was already cooking for me only a few days after I met him. We text every day. When we hang out, time just flies by and there's never a dull moment.

So I'd say things seemed to be going down the right path, if you ask me. Except now he's distancing himself, and I truly cannot understand why.

We didn't have sex. We didn't even kiss. I haven't kissed or slept with ANY of the guys I'm talking to, so it just makes no sense for him to do that if we have a good connection.

Anyway. Just my two cents. Guys are strange creatures. :/

I'm just like everyone else who is angry that white people are unemployed right now. We are supposed to be the examples. Freshly manicured lawns, lots of credit cards, purposefully ironic old televisions in the living room.

But are the days of white people successfully trolling the economy over?

Black people everywhere are doubtful. When asked whether white people were finished trolling the shit out of minorities and themselves, a confused Darnell of Houston told me, "Fuck you.".

I understand where he is coming from. Well, not really - but I have been working on my "understanding eyes" and also have a complex system of alternating pursed lips with Obama's "not bad" face in an attempt to appear all things to all people. It is amazing that, with all of these earnest attempts at social engineering (which have the explicit goal of directing positive attention my way), I am met with such staggering opposition by the target audience.

Apparently, this new world I have stepped into is full of people who aren't impressed with half-sarcastic histrionics. It is this particular quality that leads me to believe that white people will never have a place within the "real world." A terminal sense of entitlement has stricken even those of us who are beacons of clarity and pillars of the community. A gift and a curse! A useless luxury for the tribulations of hourly work and measured production. Incompatible with consequences!

The world below the clouds is an unforgiving one and enjoying it requires a revolution of the mind. But what can you do when you're genetically disposed toward quelling revolutions and stagnating change? My current plight parallels that of all subordinated cultures. Reality is the cruelest dictator of all, and my attitude is a fragile victim - I find myself devoid of even the most basic character foundations as defined in this underworld's lexicon!

These manuscripts will be read one day by those seeking to truly understand systematic oppression. But like all great men who dare to protest against reality's stained tapestry, I am doomed to mockery.

Life has been pretty interesting lately, to say the least. Between covering the FMX event and getting to meet the Mulisha, to finally putting an end to the toxic cycle I was going through with ***, to karma hitting someone... even if it was four years later... and allowing me to put one of my demons to rest, to my grandma getting really sick and moving in with us, etc.

But the most interesting thing is that I met someone. Who is pretty fuckin chill. Like, one of those people that you meet and have a great connection with right away. It was kind of funny too - I had run out of one of my meds so I hit up my friend, who gave me this guy's number. I didn't even know his name lol but when I showed up to meet him I immediately knew who he was, because I had seen him around Facebook and remembered thinking he was really hot. We ended up hanging out for a few hours. So random, but it was chill. This was three days ago, by the way.

Then he hit me up yesterday to give him a ride somewhere, I wasn't doing anything so I was like "Sure, why not." So I did that and we ended up hanging out literally for the entire day. While we were driving there we were talking the whole time... it was crazy, it felt as if I had known him for, like, ever even though it was only a few days, and he was like, "I was just thinking the same thing." There was no awkwardness or not knowing what to say like how it usually is when you meet someone new, especially someone that attractive; it was chill. He was being really nice and really flattering the whole time too. He was texting me while he was sitting right next to me in the car lol stuff like, "You look really hot" and etc. I didn't flirt back because he has a girlfriend and yeah, not trying to get caught up in that drama. But regardless I started feeling those butterflies. Oh well, shit happens.

Anyway on the way back, we rented a movie and went back to his house to watch it. While we were sitting on his bed he started giving me a massage. I didn't really know what to do at first because I was like... ummm he has a girlfriend... I didn't initiate it or allow it to go any further, but I didn't stop him either. Then we held hands for the rest of the movie. Yeah, I know it was wrong. But it felt good. And after the movie was over we just went back to acting like normal friends anyway, we went grocery shopping... he bought me ice cream... we went back to his house... he gave me some of his bomb ass cooking... and then we chilled for a while, coming up with all of these creative ideas like things we could make and sell and stuff we could do for a YouTube channel and stuff. We even came up with a name for a production company. It was just really chill, we were like on the same wavelength. And then his girlfriend showed up, so I left to give them some alone time.

And no, I'm not jealous by the way. Somehow I don't think that relationship is going to last much longer regardless. They've barely been together for like a month and they fight all the time and it's a long distance thing and he was telling me he wants to break up with her anyways. And no, I'm not sitting here hoping for it to happen either. I wish them the best and hope it ends up working out for them. Yeah he's hot, and yeah I'm starting to like him a little bit... okay fine, I do like the guy. Hell, we hung out for 12 hours yesterday and I already miss chilling with him and I get butterflies and can't help smiling whenever I think about him or when we're texting (which is weird for me, I have ridiculously high standards and it's been a long time since I've felt this way about someone so quickly. It's like how I felt about *** almost, but without all of the negativity and drama and tension and fighting)... but I'm not a homewrecker, and he's not a cheater. Neither of us would take it any further than what we did yesterday while he has a girlfriend. Besides, I get over things just as easily as I start them haha... sad but true.

The only thing I'm worried about is meeting his girlfriend. Not because I think I'm going to be jealous... I'm not a jealous person at all... but because I really do want to be his friend. We have good chemistry and we trust each other. That's important in a friendship. And I have never been allowed to stay friends with a guy after meeting their girlfriends. I always get a text or phone call three days later saying something along the lines of, "We can't be friends anymore, my girlfriend is intimidated by you." And it sucks. It's not my fucking fault that I'm pretty, I was just born that way. I swear, girls look at me and just automatically assume their boyfriend wants to fuck me and that I want to fuck their boyfriend... but even if that was the case, it doesn't mean anyone is going to act on it. Being attractive doesn't automatically mean you're a bad person. I know what it feels like to be cheated on, and I would never want to be the one responsible for making another girl feel that way, or be the one responsible for ruining a relationship. I know it's just their own insecurities and because they don't trust their boyfriends or something, even if they have NO REASON not to trust them, but still. It ALWAYS happens. I've lost a lot of my guy friends that way, and honestly, it just really sucks.

So yeah. I'm not really looking forward to meeting her for that reason. Because from the sound of it, like from what he's told me about her... she would do that for sure.

Moral of the story: he's hot, I'm hot, we're both obviously attracted to each other and have good chemistry, but we are not going to hook up. At all. As long as he has a girlfriend, we will not even be so much as kissing. He can hug me and even hold my hand all he wants, but it's not going any further than that. It's too bad, he's probably a really good kisser. And he's probably really good in bed too. But there are also plenty other hot guys who are good in bed and good kissers who I could have a good connection with out there, so oh well. I think I'll live lol. But yeah, I need to try to squash these feelings ASAP. Even if neither of us would allow it to go any further, it's still not a good idea to allow myself to start having strong feelings for someone who is in a relationship. Which could easily happen if I don't keep those butterflies in check... so yep... it shall stop there.

Oh, I also saw heroin for the first time ever in my life the other day. I'd never seen it before. I was surprised that I didn't have some crazy urge to do it, being an opiate addict and all. I didn't want to at all, but I was still fascinated by it. I guess because it had always been so elusive to me. I never knew it was around this area. It was sticky and had gold flecks in it, and it was really small. I didn't expect it to look or feel the way it did. Interesting experience to say the least. Also satisfying to know that I can be around hardcore opiates without wanting to do them. Yay for me, I'm proud of myself!

I guess that's it. Hope you all are having a good weekend!

The guy who texted me "Fuq U" when I told him I thought I was pregnant last year, the guy I'd been good friends with since 2005 when he DJ'd the club I danced at, well, he replied to a kinda not nice posting I made for him on my Facebook page... and I was surprised he'd replied at all.

Too long and too uninteresting of a story to say much more about, but I had kinda trashed him publicly (very unlike me nowadays, in the past, YES, but not anymore) for something disrespectful he did regarding something business related from over a year ago. He replied a lot more stable than I thought he might, though had a few incorrectly assumed ideas about me, which I set him straight about... but for someone who never talks to his exes and is often pretty hard to get close to, he said he had been wanting to hear from the OLD me, before I was arrested and in rehab (which he didn't know about till I told him in replying to his reply.)

Anyway, he said he wants to meet up to catch up, he is scared I might still be overly emotional and nutso like I was the month before I got arrested. But I am not like that anymore, that was something that happened with me I won't ever be sure why, but it's not ever happening again. It wasn't even because of major drug use, it was just like I was having a nervous breakdown or something. Really.

I am truly hoping we have the same platonic friendship we had had for years before... which was ruined (I feel) by the few times we had sex. (He doesn't think it affected anything, I think it made our friendship much more tense and what was worse is the sex was not even good, so he wasn't feeling so great about that either...) Really if you want to ruin something with someone, have sex with them. I mean, it won't ruin it all the time but it's the best way to ruin something if it was at the wrong time or the wrong place or for the wrong reasons...

We are both pretty casual about that though so prob won't even think much about it. (I won't but he's a guy so he probably will be thinking about it even if he pretends not to.)

I feel like a teen getting into dating again, it's been so long. I know he's not DATING me, and I don't even think we could last as a couple, because he seems to like girls who are older than him, no self-confidence, not attractive at all, who will do a lot for him, and who tend to be really jealous and they will confront you for no reason. I'm a different kind of girl than that.

He said I never tried to really get to know him, which hurt me because I spent years trying NOT TO invade his deep privacy but at the same time trying to gain his friendship and trust and let him know I wasn't around for some ulterior motives. he's not an open book like the guys I've been in long term relationships with in the past.... he has a ton of things I find attractive and those things are what actually helps us keep up our friendship, interests in musical tastes that most others don't share, ideas about quantum physics and people in general, ideas about letting loose and being silly and goofy sometimes and not caring what others think..

It's just been a long time since I've known someone I connect well with, even if on a platonic level, and I didn't want to lose that with him, so I was surprised and glad he is open to continue communication with me.

I am actually shocked by that, but he is so private he would never tell me if he had feelings for me at all an if that is why he decided pretty fast to ignore what shit went on between us, the awkward few bad sexual encounters we had, and the mean words we spit out.

He's the type who does "little things" that actually mean a lot. I am the type who appreciates that more than most things. I love getting a personally mixed CD of new tracks made just for me, or a painting that was based on something to do about me, or ideas for photos taken of me that someone put a lot of personal thought about me into. A text saying goodnight, or giving me a vintage t-shirt that reminds him of me but only cost like $2. Little things like that are what make me so happy, but unfortunately most people I know never do things like that for me at all, even though it just seems so easy.... maybe because *I* do things like that for people... make them CDs or playlists, print them up photos I took, paint them little pictures, small things that took a bit of emotional input and time.

Anyway, I have no expectations but it made me very happy he even wanted to continue talking to me after all the shit we went thought, much of it my fault.

I have only a few friends at this time, whom I only see once a week or less, and I'm picky of who I let in because I am afraid I will say something about jail or drugs or not having a job or car or living with my parents still or any of that. So someone who can actually overlook that and still talk with me about other important and interesting things is someone I won't take for granted.

there's something intensely unreal about the piano. a collection of wanting and yielding to the finer sense of thought. it's felt in the diaphragm and leads to believe your soul is creating this bell of sound and motion.
what it would mean to play these things. pulling in slowly with warm watered hands dancing sweetly upon the goosebumps of others. maddening their desire for the ever conditioning climax that circles, touches briefly, then whisks away again in proper anticipated movements.
make me the bell tower and ill give you sovereignty.

Gone and done something silly but not too silly. im just curious though would you blame someone for their actions on lsd? because that stuff can change a person forever and a lot of the time one doesn't even know what they are thinking properly under the influence.