Blogs

Off the album "punk in drublic" by NOFX

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mxRqKKVqjRw

Even if it's easy to be free
What's your definition of freedom?
And who the fuck are you, anyway?
Who the fuck are they?
Who the fuck am I to say?
What the fuck is really going on?

How did the cat get so fat?
Why does the family die?
Do you care why?

Cause there hasn't been a sign
Of anything gettin' better in the ghetto
People's sped up
Getting fed up

You point your fuckin' finger
You racist, you bigot
But that's not the problem
Now is it?

It's all about the money
Political power is taken
Protecting the rich, denying the poor
Yeah, they love to watch the world from the White House
And I wonder...

How can they sleep at night?
How can they sleep at night?
How did the cat get so fat?
How did the cat get so fat?
How did the cat get so fat?
How did the cat get so fat?

Well things have been pretty good lately. Took my gal on a date the other day, lunch at a yummy "Chinese" restaurant. Then we went for a walk around downtown and sat in a garden in front of a hotel. We lounged on the grass enjoying the view and our conversation, which can get pretty hilarious at times.

Things have been up and down but we are still going strong through the rough and good times. We are having more good then rough. Last week it was more rough than good but things are getting better now that we have discussed a few things.

We both still have insecurities and trust issues but we realize it takes time but we will work through it. Neither one of us has done anything that would warrant anything but our pasts lead us this way. We need to overcome our pasts to trust in our futures. That takes hard work and time.

We have talked about the possibility of moving in together once her lease is up which is September 2012 (1yr from now). She has also been asking ab out how to deal with Austin. I have never really mentioned but a couple people know on here, but my son has ADHD, ODD, and PTSD. Austin (my son) is....an ..... interesting child to say. Mind you he's very intelligent, he's well mannered, he socializes well and will do great things in life BUT he challenges and defies authority, he's extremely violent at times, hurtful with no remorse, and formerly (not anymore) a danger to himself. He's depressed and low self esteem as well. Most days he's a pretty good kid, trying but good. Other days, he's the spawn of evil. Love him to bits. So as I was saying, Sandra (my gal) has been looking up things to help with Austin, asking how I deal with it. She's even talked about wanting to be involved with his stuff (parent teacher, sports games, meetings, etc) in due time. Yet when she's giving input in which I love hearing - she second guesses herself or worries I will get mad and says, "Well, I'm not trying to tell you what to do, I'm not his mom and all". What she seems to not get is that after a certain amount of time (still awhile away yet) / after moving in/ etc. one then becomes a step-parent if the relationship is established to be more than a fling and we've already established that we are more than a fling. So needs to realize that she is slowly becoming a member of this family - like it or not LOL

I'm not griping or complaining, just getting thoughts out. I'm actually in a great mood right now.

My doc asked me if there's any chance I could be pregnant, I said "Immaculate conception?" she didn't get it at first so I had to elaborate that I am in a female-female (lesbian) relationship and only way pregnancy is possible is if I was the virgin mary....and I haven't been a virgin since 1997 LOL

I have a chest infection again

Here's a recent pic.
http://tinypic.com/r/2i73clc/7

I don't take xanax that much for the mere fact I can't/don't have it. (I've never been addicted to benzos). But when I come across some alprazolam 2mg bars (u$a brand) everryone once in a while I would sometimes just eat maybe one or 1 1/2 bars to start but started take like 2 or 3 bars in a course of one night and would just black out and remember nothing... I am glad i've learned the easiest way you could say to what benzo addiction counld do to someone, thank god i've never had the chance or the prescriptions to fulfull a benzo habit... But when i would take one it was pretty nice (I was prescribed 30mg Temazepam pills for 3-4 years)....i lost it cuz i lost my medical insurance when i turned 26..

8(Hi! i want u all to try something new while smoking weed..............
Rather don't call it weed cause weed means the plants which are unwanted but is marijuana bad no not at all........
while smoking a joint always breath out all the smoke for your nose not from mouth it's great just try............
and for those who loves to get a trip like me pls use codine along with marijuana and just have a dose of that before smoke n just relax when u fell the trip is fading get another dose of it it really works believe me but I am quite addicted take it responsibly..................

Brittany wanted to add a few blogs and wanted me to add her picture. So, here they are. I have given her a few tips and trying to help her become a better story writer because her blogs are always more of just documenting what she does. I am trying to help her
make them more interesting and she is getting better. tell me what yall think.



"candy. who loves candy? i do i do. so what am i gonna do. im gonna do a little blog. so the first step to a good candy is peanut butter. oooo i love peanut butter. how bout we mix some carmel in with it. not just a little a lot of that gooey yummy smooth carmel. lets add a little bit of chocolate too. but just a little cause i dont really like chocolate. well that would be the perfect cholate candy. we could even add a little bit of butterfinger in there. now that would be the perfect sweet candy. but what i really LOVE is sour candy. it would be so good to have a cherry laffy taffey with the sprinkles in it with some red and blue sour gummy worms and sour patch kids in there. sprinked with sour patch dust. mmmmm. please someone invent this for me. its the recipe to the best candy ever. who loves candy? brittany loves candy. do you like candy? what is your recipe to a perfect candy?"

"what are you thinking about when you wake up? well i ususlly am thinking that im not ready to get up. so what do i do? i roll over and turn on my radio. thats right i dont even get out of the bed. i always make sure my radio is close to my bed. so after i turn it on i turn it up and lay there listening until the music motivates me to get up. sometimes it take 5min and sometimes it will take an hour. it really just depends on what there playing on the radio. this morning the song that got me moving this morning was maroon 5 macjagger. well with this being said i think everyone should know "my name is brittany and im addicted to good music" what motivates you to wake up everyday?"

my arm itches like a motherfucker for no reason
and my house is making really creepy noises

asleep

i realize some people have been having issues removing their blog posts. so i thought a step by step guide would be useful

to delete a blog entry

1. open up the specific post you want to delete. for example, if i want to delete this entry, the url should be

   http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/entries/4547-working-out-success!

   . you can not do this from the main page of your blog (where you see all your blog entries). you have to be on the page of a specific entry
2. hover over the title of your entry and click on the little pencil.
3. check the box that says delete this post. you can add a message about why you are deleting it but it is not necessary.
4. click the delete button.

Do you have the guts take this survey?
Dumb question. Next.

Would you do meth if it was legalized?
Nope, it's enough enough to find and do as it is without getting caught (for me, at least. I don't have anyone shoving drug tests at me). All stimulants can go fuck themselves as far as I'm concerned.

Abortion: for or against it?
Aside from extreme cases, I'm very much against it. And that makes me a hypocrite.

Do you think the world would fail with a female president?
No.

Do you believe in the death penalty?
In extreme cases.

Do you wish marijuana would be legalized already?
Um. It is legal.

Are you for or against premarital sex?
I love sex

Do you believe in God?
Yes and no. I'm agnostic.

Do you think same sex marriage should be legalized?
Yes. Homosexuality doesn't bother me at all. Well, aside from the DADT repeal in the U.S. military, which pisses me the fuck off. But that's another story entirely.

Do you think it's wrong that so many Hispanics are illegally moving to the country?
Yes.

A twelve year old girl has a baby, should she keep it?
No. God, can a 12 year old's body even carry a baby to full term?

Should the alcohol age be lowered to eighteen?
I think it should be lowered to 14 - get all of the partying out of their system, or at least learn how to drink responsibly, before they're legally able to get behind the wheel of a car.

Should the war in Iraq be called off?
We're in Afghanistan now. Get with the times.

Assisted suicide is illegal: do you agree?
Well, I don't believe in suicide in general. However. If you are already dying of cancer, or if there is any instance in which death is inevitable sooner than later, I feel you should have the choice to avoid dragging out all of the suffering and medical costs and etc.

Do you believe in spanking children?
No, just punching babies.
Kidding.

Would you burn an American flag for a million dollars?
No. No. NO. No. And HELL NO. Did I make myself clear?
But if anyone did do that, I'd kill them for free.

Who do you think would be a better president: McCain or Obama?
McCain. That's who I voted for to begin with, and I stick by my decision. What the FUCK has Obama done to this country?

Do you think Obama will be killed?
No. We are not living in the times of Kennedy or Martin Luther King Jr. where everyone is racist against black people and politicians' security sucks.

Should child predators be forced to wear signs identifying themselves?
Megan's Law, Perverted Justice, and To Catch A Predator is enough. I hate pedophiles with a burning passion, but I think we've done as much as we can to deter them.

Are you afraid others will judge you from reading some of your answers?
No. I don't even care about what the people in real life think of me, so why should I care on here?

It's been almost 5 years since she died. Suddenly. Out of the blue.

I'm not dealing with it well. It still feels like yesterday, really. I can still see her body lying on the floor, face down in a pool of her own blood. She must have been standing and fell over when her heart gave out, right onto her face. I think she broke her nose. I hope she wasn't conscious for that pain. I hope she wasn't in any pain at all.

But to know that she died in the next room. That's the hardest part. Maybe I could have done something if I wasn't such a heavy sleeper. If I left the door to my room open I could have heard her fall. Did she scream for help? Did she die all alone, knowing that her children were in the same house but not coming to her aid, still asleep? I could have called 911 and an ambulance could have come with the tools to revive her. It didn't have to be her time to go.

I went to bed that night with a mother and woke up without one. We had paella for dinner. She asked me how school was. I watched Tom Green's web cast. I went to bed later than I should have.

At 7am I woke up to my brother's nagging. He told me my mother was sleeping on the floor. I wasn't sure what he meant. But my brother was the one who found her. I looked in the room where she slept and saw her face down, lying on the floor. It was very unusual. I remember the fear I had that something bad happened. I had to check to see if she was still alive. When I saw the blood I knew. I felt that ghastly feeling of death being so near. I yelled at her to wake up. I screamed at her to get off the floor. I said a silent prayer. I never prayed so hard in my life. I didn't see any signs of breathing. No up and down motion. No snoring. She snored very loudly when she slept.

I can still remember the color of her lifeless feet, the blood pooling with gravity of a heart that stopped beating and sending oxygen filled, life-giving blood circulating through her body just a few hours before. I called 911. I told them my mother wasn't breathing. That I woke up and found her on the floor. It took forever and a split second for the ambulance to come, along with police. The emergency service people started working on her. Giving her oxygen and electric shocks. I remember the female paramedic telling me it was going to be okay. I wasn't sure what she meant. What was going to be okay? It turned out that she didn't mean my mom was going to be okay. I understand that now. She meant that me and my brother would be able to get through this loss.

We rode to the hospital in the back of a police car. They always send police when there's a "not breathing" call. We sat in the hospital, waiting. I don't know how I got to the waiting room. It's all a blur. I remember the team of doctors coming into the waiting room. "She didn't make it." How many times had I seen this on TV? I thanked them for trying to save my mommy. I was in too much shock to start losing it. I called my best friend. She didn't answer. She was still asleep, like I would have been. I called another close friend. I told her my mom just died. I had to tell someone. I used my dead mom's ATM card to get money for a taxi home. It was then when I started crying. I've stopped crying on the outside. Not a day goes by that I don't cry on the inside.

I don't know how I'm going to function that day, the anniversary. I don't know why I put so much emphasis on the anniversary of her death. She's still going to be dead the day before and the day after.

Luckily I don't have class that day. Hopefully I will be able to score that day and just numb out. I can't deal. I know I should get therapy and I've tried before but I wasn't ready to talk about it... I am still not ready. I miss her so much. She died at a very bad point in our relationship. Sometimes I feel like I killed her. Not literally of course but figuratively. Even though I also intellectually know she was in poor health and her drinking made it worse.

So I'm about to get my period, yeah tmi but fuck it. I haven't had one in 2mos so its coming on pretty fierce, plus my kidney area hurts like bloody hell, PLUS I ate something funky the other day and I've had horrid tummy pain, fever, cramps, nausea. I don't even want to see food or think about sex My 2 favorite things

I feel so bitchy right now I fucking hate feeling like this. I need my nurse to make me feel better but SHE'S sick too PLUS her girly issues too.

FACK! I wish I could get T to rid me of this horrid curse RIGHTFREAKINNOW!!!.

I feel so damn shitty right now. If my kid wasn't here I would take a seroquil and sleep for the night so I can escape this pain....

Haha I so wish I could write about this stuff on Facebook. But I'm not really a fan of admitting to the general public (i.e. my family) about my drug usage.

Anyway. Today, I realized that I really do love my family. Which seems like a no-brainer, but you don't know the way my family has been for a long time now. No one is close to each other anymore, there is always a ton of tension in the air - really, you could cut it with a knife, no one has any privacy, my parents don't even sleep in the same room, my mom is the ultimate control-freak, we all snap at each other over over everything, and my parents treat me the same. exact. way. as they did when I was 16. After getting out of the military and having lived on my own, coming back, at the same time my brother got out of jail, it's gotten to the point where just being in the same room with any member of my family feels suffocating.

Also, I would just like to take a moment to announce that Coconut Snackers, the ones in those $.99 red candy bags where it's like 2 for $1 or whatever... are way too sweet. But at the same time, the coconut is way too good. I need to put it in ice cream or something, it will be better that way.

But anyway. Despite the fact that being around my family is always really tense and pushes my anxiety and irritation levels to the limit, I do love them. Like, really love them. Which I think we all kind of forget a lot of the time. I mean, my mom says it every once in a while on the phone, but it always seems fake and it feels kind of fake when I say it back as well. But, dude. Life is short. My dad is nearing retirement and is getting old in age, and has a few problems, so I mean... you never know. And if he died tomorrow, or any of my family did, I would have a lot of regrets. We all need to treat each other better. I'm glad I brought it up to my therapist last week.

In my sessions so far, I've only been talking about one thing so far, my experience in the military. (By the way, I've never written the full story on these blogs - just bits and pieces. I will definitely write the full story sometime, though. The message and truth about what actually goes on absolutely needs to be put across, and I've been determined to find ways I can make a difference through my own experiences) Now I feel comfortable with most of it, enough to speak openly and very candidly about it. However, it's been four years. And there are still quite a few demons lurking behind that door. They still haunt me, and it carries over into my every day life - it affects much of my behavior and feelings in a negative way. It's hindering not only my mental growth, but my progression in life as well. It has me caught in a standstill - frozen in time between the past and the present. We have been focusing on learning how to let things go, allowing the grieving process to occur, and giving myself closure. We've talked about the guy I mention in my blogs a few times too, mostly just how to recognize the decisions that are the best ones for my own well-being, instead of others.

But those are all kind of self-centered. Not that I think that's a bad thing - that is the point of therapy after all. But I feel like my priorities have changed, and that maybe now it's a lot more important to focus on fixing things with my family first. I don't want to have any regrets later on in life.

Another thing I realized? I'm a control freak. That's where half my problems stem from, I'm sure - the fact that I have to feel in control of absolutely every situation, or I don't feel comfortable with it. It even boils down to my pill popping... that I need to be in control of my feelings and feel secure at all times, and I ensure this happens by taking pills. That's another thing I definitely want to focus on.

I finished the rest of those coconut stacks as I wrote this. I'm going to be wired lol oh well

Hi Everyone,

I just wanted to make a quick comment on the recent proliferation of short Twitter-esque blog entries. While they're good fun, they do take up valuable real-estate on the front page, while adding virtually nothing in the manner of content. The current layout and interface for Blogs is unfortunately limited by the board software, so there isn't really a way around this other than to respect others' posts by not taking up the front page.

I for one don't want to institute any hard and fast "every post must be at least 141 characters long" rule, but I think that we can all figure out what constitutes a reasonable entry. Things here are pretty lax, so it shouldn't be tough to write something a bit lengthier than a six word post.

Anyway, I just wanted to say my bit on that. If it's been a while since you've done so, please give the Blogs Guidelines a quick read, as this is all covered in there.

And now, back to your regularly scheduled Blogs....



(please post any comments on this below in the reply section-- feedback is always welcome!)

lalalala. all i do is lay on the couch and watch football. i should go buy a_c some coke zero and applesauce instead.

(this is a_c in case that is not obvious. i am testing a few things)

Dude. That song lyric is SO PERFECT for this month. You have no idea.

I don't know if I'm going through a rough patch, or if I've just been having a particularly voluminous amount of shit being thrown at me by this one bitch called life lately, or what. But I do know that it is not good, and that it is becoming harder and harder to stay positive and see the bright side of every situation, and that I'm swallowing more and more pills because of it...

Which is, of course, the main issue with this problem. The fucking pills. I'm headed back down the rabbit hole, except this time it's benzos I'm turning to... and maybe an extra Suboxone strip here and there. I'd kill for a good opiate high. Nothing good is going to come of this if it keeps going on this way, but honestly. I don't know how to fix it anymore. I'm already seeing an addiction specialist, going to therapy, and working toward bettering my own life in other areas... so what the fuck?

You know what it all boils down to... loneliness. I've said it before and I'll say it again and again and again and again - loneliness is the worst feeling in the world. If you knew me in real life, you'd probably be laughing at this right now and wondering how I could possibly be lonely. That's what everyone I DO know in real life does, anyway, when I try to talk about it. But guess what? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW EITHER.

I know I miss **** more than I can even handle sometimes. I know I'm constantly feeling uneasy about this other guy. I know I've been single for two years, and being around couples 24/7... no, literally - 24/7 - EVERYONE I know is either in a relationship or has someone consistent... is starting to weigh on me, and I'm feeling the pressure. But this feeling is worse than just a simple, "Oh, I miss this guy, I'm confused about this other guy, and I'm starting to want a boyfriend." It's straight up emptiness.

Like, it hits me out of no where - alone, with family, with a group of friends - doesn't matter what I'm doing, either. It just strikes when it feels like it, with seemingly no trigger whatsoever. It's a hard feeling to describe, how do you describe the word "empty" in a human being? I can describe an empty glass. I can say: "There is no liquid or any other substance in that glass." But I cannot describe an empty xburtonchic. It's just an overwhelming feeling of loss, meaninglessness, and hopelessness... and, of course, loneliness. I want to cry, scream, and punch a baby all at the same time. But I take pills instead.

I know I'm self medicating. I know I should be writing it down somewhere, or talking about it, or doing yoga. I don't want to take pills. But pills are more effective than yoga or anything else. So I take them. And it works. It's just SO SIMPLE. I can swallow 5 or 6 pills at a time and feel like a whole person again within a half an hour. Amazing. Of course, benzos don't work as well as opiates do... but, you know. Opiates don't get me high anymore because of the fucking Suboxone, so I'll take what I can get.

I get this feeling every once in a while. And yes, I always fill the hole by taking pills. The problem is, I've been getting this feeling almost EVERY SINGLE DAY this past month. It's like all of my positive vibes are draining away with the sun. And the problem with this being in every day sort of thing is that I'm short... WAY short... on both my Suboxone and Xanax scripts this month.

I'm going through some sick depression type thing, and all I can worry about is running out of pills before my refill. Cool.

What the fuck.

Anyways. I need some advice, Bluelight. Because running out of Suboxone is one thing, but running out of benzos when I've been taking up to (at most) 12 a day sometimes (though it's usually only 6 or so, but who's counting) is dangerous. My addiction specialist is pretty cool. Do you guys think I should schedule an earlier appointment? Explain what's going on? He's an addiction specialist - he deals with addicts. He has to understand. I mean, everyone has their rough spots right? Almost every addict regresses at one point or another in their recovery, don't they? It's not like I'm taking them to get high. Well, technically, I am. But not for recreational purposes. I'm taking them so I can get a couple hours relief from that constant gaping, aching feeling I have in my chest that never goes away. Believe me, I've tried everything. Yoga. A chamomile/St John's Wort/Valerian Root/Gaia Melissa Lemon Balm tea. Breathing techniques. Exercise. Writing. Talking. None of it works. Pills work, though. Pills work quite beautifully.

So should I talk to my addiction specialist about this, or what?

I really don't know anymore. About anything. Except that I'm tired of this feeling. And I'm really tired of needing to take copious amounts of pills in order to fix it. The only thing I've learned is that before I try to fight this particular demon, I have to find and confront the ones hiding in my closet. I guess all I can hope for is that this isn't going to be a lifelong battle - that it's just a temporary thing, and that maybe it will just all go away soon...

makes me life complete.

I'm a Bluelighter...=[View attachment 10224

I have never really been into comic books, but I watched the Ninja Turtles religiously as I was younger, but nothing prepared me for the Watchmen Directors cut bluray. To my knowledge the turtles lacked genitalia and thank god for that, because working nunchucks with your package dangling can really create adverse undulation.

Heman was about as homoerotic as I thought adolescent boy cartoon crap could get... I have learned a few things in the last 24 hours(Atleast Heman rode a big pussy.... cat).

Watchmen: a sexual synopsis. A few women in latex in cutscenes and flashbacks. There are two lesbians, but you get to see them bloody and dead, very nice to see the advances of Women's liberation come to the silver screen. The only striking female nudity I can recall was that $6 hooker, as you can imagine not very palatable. Speaking of hookers, one guys mom was a hooker that would beat him when he voyeured her making money... porn and child abuse SCORE. Some ridiculous fight scenes, and a midget who is the top-dawg in a prison, his end gets bloody in the prison John... surprise surprise.

Child molestation is also mentioned, plus there is a near rape scene on a pool table(The polite man does not puff on his cigar while beating her face thankfully).Then there was about 5 minutes of pendulous blue CGI cock on the dysmorphic Dr. ManJeremy(I bet this gets extended in the Watchmen Part Deux to 9 minutes). There were three hetero luffin scenes as I recall. The first involved this VERY sensual line spoken by a woman, "You're fingers taste like batteries...". The second delt with the very pertinent issue of erectile dysfunction, which is a chronic concern for the 40 something cartoon/comic enthusiast living in his mother's basement. The third featured an excessively long slow-rhythm wrangling in a space ship, the guy looked somewhat like Daniel Baldwin... fast-forward for the win.

If you liked Gran Turino or Crystal Pepsi, you may like this movie

maybe it's just me, i don't know. this person just called me and yelled at me. he's owed me over $100 for a couple months now. at one point he said to come over, and totally stood me up. apparently he thought i could handle that shit. funny thing is i told him from the beginning i am not a dealer, i've always been straight up with him, always tried to be nice to him. no, i can't deal with people lying to my face over and over again. excuse me.

my best friend, how does one go from saying he wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for me to 'why should i?' go to a check cashing place when he can wait till monday so he can have someone deposit it and give him the cash? because i need money now? because i'd do it for you ten times over? whatever. what the fuck ever.

today is folsom street fair. last year i went with my gay friend. we had a great time. now we aren't friends anymore. i miss him. every day.

maybe it is me, maybe they're all right and i'm the one who's fucked up.

I see dead people

(part II)

Maybe you just fell asleep watching a movie where some girl got sexually abused? I mean really I have no other explanation for these people. But this is the fourth time I've been told this variety of sexual abuse in a way that just made me want to vomit all over myself in disgust. Call me an evil fucking person. But I believe there are things in this world even worse than sexual abuse, and its people like this. People that lie about the shit for pity. Going out and getting drunk, posting skimpy photos of themselves only weeks after it happened.... its insulting to people like me. No you are not just responding to trauma differently, there is not even a single shred of evidence that coincides with you actually being sexually abused. Go fucking talk to victims of violent crime. You will notice A LOT more similarities within the groups. Anger and hostility you will find in A LOT of them. Because its much harder to lie about something like that. Theres generally scars and blood, dead relatives, and not just some story about how your bf might have got too aggressive with you one night.

And THAT SHIT was the most insulting (already kinda referenced to this story above a few paragraphs). I once read this on BL, someone (whos name I won't mention) saying their sexual abuse involved them saying no while in the bed naked, and their bf being aggressive, and then them still having sex with their bfs. Like some casual 2 step occurence. But then afterwards they now claim they were somehow sexually abused. I'd be more worried about paranoid schizophrenia if I was telling stories like that not fucking sexual abuse.

Give me a fucking break. You are an insult to real sexual abuse survivors. I had my fucking innocence ripped from my own hands with no choice at 10 years old all the way till I was 12. And you mean to tell me you THINK you were sexually abused cause you didn't really wanna have sex with your bf one night and said no ONE time, but STILL sat there in bed with the man you've been dating for x years and obviously were comfortable with, and still HAD SEX with him? You really couldn't say no a second time? Not like you were scared he's your bf. And even worse he knows about your apparent past abuse. But then you come on here and tell people you think you were sexually abused? And still continue to date the fucking guy?

You are a fucking fraud pure and simple. You are not a victim of sexual abuse you are a victim of being an idiot and you make me sick to my fucking stomach. SAY NO AGAIN! How is your absolute passiveness over sex = to sexual abuse? Some guys are very aggresive in bed no shit. But when you sit there and still have sex with him, after you say no once then go tell the world "poor me I think I was abused" and go on telling people hes a "great" guy... I'm sorry but I don't have a shred of sympathy for you. Thats you having no fucking backbone that is NOT sexual abuse. And that is you being as fucked up of a person as I can imagine someone being. Have some fucking responsibility for your OWN decisions and stop inventing scenarios that sound fucking shady to everyone that hears them.

And THIS is why I do not talk about sexual abuse on this forum. Like I just have to believe every story I hear and feel bad for the person. Fuck that. If you're going to try passing that shit off on people I'm talking about it. I think its fake, I think its bullshit. No maybe not all 4 stories I suspect personally, but some people out there are absolutely making this shit up and are doing a horrible job at it. Sexual abuse is not something you fucking figure out one day magically. And if you haven't figured it out by now why the hell not just drop it already?

Its only going to make you start to assume that you are more fucked up than you likely are. And maybe thats the real explanation of what happened. Or maybe I'm a cruel & cold bastard. But this has been on my mind for a while now, and the story I heard today at work set me off. I need to vent this shit because if I don't I'm going to wind up saying something directly to the "victims". And I definitely couldn't do that. So I'm writing this shit here for anyone that wants to know what goes through Bo's head on a daily basis. Or anyone that can actually remember their sexual abuse stories and just so happens to get angry at this trauma repression bs that seems to be springing up in so many different forms latey.

Maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong, but I really believe a lot more women make this shit up than people understand or are willing to talk about. And when the story is told a certain way I really think people need to be confronted. Sexual abuse is when someone forces themselves on your sexually. Its something that most people remember, and that most people don't really even need to talk about. I realize that some do, and thats fine, but the ones that almost gloat about this shit, and talk about it 5 times a week, even scenarios that seem so outright obviously fake... fuck.... I really don't know what to say. Cause if it is fake, and you are making it up, that is one of the lowest fucking things I could ever imagine a person doing.

It's funny, I haven't drank alcohol in months, having instead been indulging in what was, at one point in time, a superior intoxicant, and the two shots of bourbon I've consumed so far have gotten me higher and numbed my back pain more than my last 60mg dose of hydrocodone did...

Opiates are deceptive little demons like that. A casual drinker can numb himself into obliteration, and feel the consequences of his actions the very next morning. But, it seems clear to me, there is no such thing as a casual opiate abuser... The consequences of opiate abuse are never fully realized until you're waking up in the middle of the night with mucous dripping from your nose and eyes, your entire body trying to wriggle away from itself in a maddening sensation of starving to death, barely able to push yourself up out of bed to hobble to the toilet before you shit your pajamas...

And that devil is there to stay... There to whisper sweet, flowery nothings into your ear, making you repeat the same cycle of feeding that blissful warmth which has seemingly replaced your very blood, and thence from that ever-diminishing heaven into the ever-increasing hell...

I am, at this moment, despite dipping back into old comforts, "starving to death"... No sympathy from the devil, Mr. Jones... And just a little bit from his assistant, Mr. Daniels, heh... What can I say, it's an abusive love triangle.

Some little part of me still believes there's a way to escape this selfish hell, and wonders how to... But I know another twisted little part of me will always prefer the warmer weather...

If the sin of gluttony had a physical incarnation, it would surely be the opium poppy...

the am is a different time, just another monster waiting on flexed calves for that precise moment when the flood gates open. that's not me at all i say somewhere from the bloody back banks of my mind. the front is far too busy piling briefcases full of vinegar which fall continuously, seeping into my nose, my mouth, and coating the language that blunders on.
what? man the controls god dammit. the implosion feels damn good. i mixture of orgasm and fine swimming on a day when something else is what you should be doing. and by god do i love to do the unexpected. who's for mediocrity anymore anyhow? who exhibits exuberant restraint besides those guys with the puffy hats the queen of england hired for good measure?
hilarious thoughts can dance their fine tunes all along my brain stems but cutting right through is the damned truth. im a jibbering idiot. a rattling buffoon on wheels too bat shit nuts to realize i miss something else.

morning rituals severely disturbed. i cant handle that kind of chaos. my god man just let me have my steaming beverage with words. allow this thing that's been going on for a quarter of my life span to continue without interruption. inside that beastly bastard waits. inside there's a world of green circles and kart wheeling politicians. inside you can call yourself an angel and get away with murder. but when the gateway morphs into a monkey wrench well, the cat just fucks the bag.

I feel stupid right now. I hate that I have no life and pretty much a loner and the friends I do have even my gf who knows no one here, has more of a life. I feel so clingy to people at times because of the fact I have no life. I spend so much time alone at home doing nothing really that when i do hang out with people I dont want to let them go. I feel like I will lose them somehow. I know rationally its my BPD and not reality but ...blah@!

I hate feeling so clingy but I hate being alone but I dont want people feeling obligated to hang out with me.

I feel a little depressed right now.


Monkey on my back, go away, go away.