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Got some BBQ Wings in the oven here in NYC. . ITs been a while. smokin waiting for the BBQ wings to finish .. 8(

i want to write and direct a sketch comedy show that focuses on mocking career reality tv shows(ice road truckers, operation repo, etc)

30 minute show, every week we feature two careers (mail man, sanitation workers, bankers, custodians, doctors, school teachers, musicians, landscaping, bass fisherman....there are not limits)

keys to success? stereotype to death and include clever and frisky situations

it'd be filled with dry humor, extremely politically incorrect material, have an MA rating, and would stray away from just being random garbage

and there's no way in hell i'm using those fake laughs after every line(the funniest shows don't use that bullshit...arrested development, curb your enthusiasm, always sunny)

who wants to be part of the team, as an actor/actress or a writer?

Opiates are my drug of choice i love Opana, Oxy, Dilaudid, Codine etc. I've tried heroin but where I'm from its not very easy to come by, its expensive, and never very good so i stick to the shit made by chemists. I love smoking weed. Ecstasy and Molly are always a good time and ill take it if its around but not on a regular basis. I'm always down to drink a beer with the boys or down a bottle of wine with the girls. I'm a badass chick trying to play it safe when it comes to using. What's your favorite drug? legal or illegal, and Why? Feel free to tell me a little about yourself. I'm interested in the types of people that are blogging on this site and ready to share my knowledge and even more ready to learn.
One Love.

So I have barely slept in 3 days because of coughing, they're not ready to label it an infection yet so they won't give me anti-biotics so i am stuck coughing my lung up all day and night.

Today I went in complaining that I can't sleep at night due to all the harsh coughing. My throat is raw, and I am sooooo bloody tired. Along with my gf cause I keep her up with my coughing AND it doesn't help that the fucking neighbor dogs keep barking every FREAKING morning at 7am. I put a complaint in today FINALLY. I have put up with it for 3 months now......longer even. I am beyond fed up and need my sleep - well all do. I am betting all the neighbors are fed up and haven't been able to complain....or have....the more complaints the better. Maybe one day they'll get kicked out. They really NEED to be gone. Fucking psycho ass bitches. You'd think they'd be kicked out of a family community after KINAPPING 2 children 3 years ago....nope. They can't kick them out unless they have attacked someone and been arrested, too many public disturbance calls or something of a serious nature that cops have been involved and court pending. Fuckers have clovers up their asses. We all know they are staying only because everyone wants them gone. No one likes them, and everyone says it to their faces. They don't care.

So yeah I was prescribed Koffex (60ml) 2tsp at night (if badly needed during the day only). I am not sure if I like being prescribed this. I know my brother gets it and was addicted to it for a couple years until the doc cut him off and wouldn't allow the pharm to dispense it to him anymore.

Well I am also down to 139Lbs from 150Lbs, I was hoping to stay at 140Lbs but 139Lbs isn't too bad. As long as I don't go under 135Lbs I am fine with it all. I need to eat more like before I guess. We'll see.

Now talking about food, off to eat my skipped brekkie and then slip into bed and snog my gal. lol.

I have been working on my social anxiety with my phych for a couple months now he keeps pushing me to confront my fears. He says in order to get better I have to put myself in social situations that make me uncomfortable he says by doing that gradually my anxiety will decrease. Well tonight I got thrown in one of those situations I was with this dude I just met and apperantly he talks to everyone he sees. It was really uncomfortable he would like stop to talk to someone while we were walking and I would just stand there like wtf then I would try and introduce myself it was awkward at first. Then we are heading in from smoking and he starts talking to these 2 girls he knows who are smoking cigs on this bench. This girl captured my mind like she starts talking some anthropology and history and I was hooked.

She is gorgeous to but not in the conventional way shes small great legs short brown hair quick sarcastic wit. So you know im nervous and stoned but I got a read on her we had alot in common and I could tell she was feeling what I was saying. The best part is I recognized the signals I took what I had learned about body language and was able to recognize what she was feeling. So things are going well we talk as a group for like an hour and the conversation starts losing steam and im thinking im gonna get her number. so we get up to go a say "Let me get your number" shes like sure.

Then I made a mistake a really bad mistake I fucked up like just writing this im pissed at myself for celebrating too soon. After I get her a number I say it was cool meeting you and start walking away. She goes "I was gonna get a hug but I gotta go" in a kind of sarcastic tone. Fuck. It was like I got distracted I was high and I was thinking about asking for her number so hard that I didnt even think about what I would do if she said yes.But I am going to stay positive maybe she will forget about it and see me again. Im going to text her tommorow.

im all a board but the day has rain in it. kind of sprinkling inside itself with bits and pieces of over used exclamation points. ah well, too many sorrys to stuff in one sack, i say. not too late to hop on the train to freedom, really let loose of the grind and power drive my way to 88. give society the finger and just keep going off into the distant hills where nomads roamed in quiet solitude. what a life.
all i can really say is that once you start you cant really stop. sure you can pull over but the god damn mess just keeps rushing past you, leaving you behind with a brown bag in your hand wondering what time it is. best to keep moving. keep up with the traffic all of one life can create for itself. but isn't that the fun of it? isnt that the sole purpose we survive? to run with trouble if not against it?
if i were a man id be a bettin' one, and id lay everything down on lucky weirdness. where's your will to be weird? to make hay in the shade? most of the time youll get a break and if your sincere that break probably be a damn good one. somewhere there's a capacity for great achievement or great failure, but who am i to know the difference?

by atmosphere
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4aZJasbTXn0

I love this fucking country (who feels me?)
And she loved me more than I could imagine
So I waited till she slept then I stepped into traffic

Ran away from the backyard to drift some more
Woke up in Texas next to a liquor store
With a woman who don't even drink alcohol
Big letters "IRONY" tagged on the wall
She was named for another flat land
We had a strong back then
In common, we had a bond
That would never see the break of dawn
To damn afraid of the queen trying to take the pawn (threw that away)
Yes, yes headed out west and got undressed
With the nurture she gave me
Made me trip and get obsessed
There was a lady in Los Angeles
That handled this the way the manual suggest
She turned me on to music that I never heard before
She told me stories from a cup I haven't leaned to pour
And I don't know who hurt it more
Professional journals or perpetual burn holes
Scarring up the dirty floor (peace)

Found a hollow hole in the Colorado snow
It's like I follow anywhere el Diablo go
Took a stroll with the feline
And sat silent while the snow flakes fell into the design
Can't let her dance up on top on the top floor
Been there done that
What do you think it's locked for?
I've lost more to my traveling soul
Then I care to talk about so I'll be out, I'll be on the road
(Down, down) Down in Gainesville
No stranger to shame. Coltrain and pain pills
Sometimes the ceiling's to easy to stare at
But it keeps me from a forest full of snare traps and bear traps
And it can't come clean without the sun beams
And it ain't complete without the drum beats
I can tell she don't want me "as is"
Time to climb back into the van and make the back stiff
And I had to add one more story to the infinite
Already interwoven through a New York cigarette
Ex lover and a best friend
Best lover and an ex friend'll bend for alcoholic sentimentalism
And the rhythm of religion on the p.a. make the people here say,
"God bless the deejay"
She stays to wait for a replay
While I wonder if I'll be able to hear it from the freeway?

Chicago, inside of an empty bottle
There's a thin line between gossip and gospel
And there's a house over there near Wicker Park
Where I found out smart was afraid of the dark
Had to break a heart just to help me heal up
Tie a knot in the stomach just to help me seal up
Make sure the demons stay beneathe the core
Pray for you and yours and whoever you believe in more
Look around you there's angels amongst us
(Look around you there's angels amongst us)
Sittin' in the rain at some sidewalk cafe
Half of her wet cigarette in the ash tray
She's tryin' to find a lost soul to save
And I'm a lost soul trying to find a road that's paved
Keep faith in my suitcase, pack my beliefs
Angels exist, I've even seen some sleep
I love this fucking country (who feels me?)
And she loved me more than I could imagine
So I waited till she slept then I stepped into traffic

I took 60mg of loperamide this morning to stave off the sickness... I got the more expensive drug store brand (every grocery store was out of the bulk bottles, cause I bought em out I guess, heh) that apparently dissolve instantly in your mouth, so that was 30 little pills worth of mush that alllllmost came right back up, lol... Made me feel horribly dehydrated no matter how much I drink and gave me a headache all day. At least my legs quit trying to run away from me. But anyway...

I dunno... I'm bored as fuck at work right now, and I don't really have anything to go home to later on but my roommate's annoying cats... All I can think about is getting high. Something, anything... I still feel too shitty to get drunk, I can barely get a shot down without hurling it back up.

Right at this moment, I just feel ... empty. Empty time, it's damn depressing. I don't wanna bum any more pills off of friends/family for fear of looking even more like a junkie than I'm sure I already seem... But my back really does fucking hurt... All thanks to my dumbass ex who doesn't know how to drive. My doc won't give me anything but tramadol anymore, which is the most useless drug I've ever been prescribed, for anything, all it does is give me a massive headache and destroy my appetite. Thinks he's slick, changing me over like that... Guess that's what I get for acting clueless.

Fuck... I just wanna go to sleep...

i am gonna roll alone, i have rolled many times before, i enjoy it very much! i lov rolling with really close friends its the best but i looked around on the internet and found alot of people say its not that bad rolling alone. i am just making sure that i wont be either bored or it wont be fun i kno i'll have plenty to do between music and movies and blazing i just want to make sure that i dont make the wron decsion to do this.

1. what is one of your favorite childhood memories?
Going to Disneyland. Every time.

2. How does your life compare to your life 10 years ago?
Well, I might not have thought so at the time. But it was much simpler back then.

3. what does your wallet look like?
I have two - one is a normal, ugly, brown leather wallet that came from I don't even know where. The other one is is a brown plaid Coach wallet that is just as ugly.
I need a new wallet.

4. favorite pizza toppings:
My ideal pizza looks like this: Chicken, bacon, pepperoni, BBQ sauce, mushrooms, olives, and extra cheese. I've never had it, but it sounds amazing.

5. List 2 truths and lie. People can guess in the comments which is lie.
I am a food junkie, but somehow manage to stay very petite.
I'm a Pisces.
My favorite TV show of all time is The O.C.

6. How many email addresses do you have?
Oh God. Way too many.

7. Do you pee in the shower?
No, although I heard it's actually kind of good for your skin? Your feet? Or something. There's probably a bit of truth to that - it does cure jellyfish stings, after all.

8. Name 3 websites you frequent (besides BL)
Facebook. StumbleUpon. YouTube.

9. What is your favorite word? Why?
Gorgeous. I like what it means, and it sounds pretty to say.

10. Where is some place you have always wanted to go?
The Bermuda Triangle.

this is a private blog. a_c's comment should show up as moderated if she comments.

Im for real this book is amazing this is like mt 10th time reading it since I got it a few years ago. I saw the movie around the first time I did heroin and thought it was brilliant so I went out and bought the book but I got scared off by the scottish writing style. It languished for awhile while my life happened I got addicted to heroin and learned what it was all about. I rediscovered the book during my first real run with heroin I can remember reading it on nights when I was sick in my room waiting for sunrise and the relief it might bring. I fell in love the book just captures so many things that only a junky would know it seriosly will take my breath away when I realize that Welsh just made so much sense of things in my life.

To this day I will read a chapter or so a week or whenever I am thinking about dope as I am tonight. I really cant recomend the book enough it is a little bit daunting at first because of the language and the way it is written each chapter is an individual story told from a different persons perspective but it comes together nicely it is so worth the investment of time I promise. I wanna type out the choose life quote as I dont think the movie gave it the perspective that the book does.

The chapter is searching for the inner man from page 18 in my copy.
Background Renton is talking about his interactions with a drug counselor and how society doesnt get dope addiction.

"Society invents a spurious convoluted logic tae absorb and change people whae's behaviour is outside its mainstream. Suppose that ah ken aw the pros and cons, know that ah'm gaunnae huv a short life, am ay sound mind etcetera, etcetera, but still want tae use smack? They won't let ye dae it. They won't let ye dae it, beacuse its seen as a sign ay thir ain failure. The fact that ye jist simply choose tae reject whit they huv to offer. Choose us. Choose life. Choose mortgage payments; choose washing machines; choose cars; choose sitting oan a couch watching mind-numbing and spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fuckin junk food intae yir mouth. Choose rotting away, pishing and shiteing yersel in a home, a total fuckin embarrassment tae the selfish, fucked-up brats ye've produced. Choose life.
Well, ah choose no tae choose life. If the cunts cannae handle that, it's thair fuckin problem. As Harry Lauder sais, ah jist intend tae keep right on to the end of the road"

I've been thinking a lot about my dog that passed away a little over a year ago. I've been feeling strong feelings of loss, sadness and, well... I just plain old miss him.

I woke up early today, showered and pulled a shirt out of a dry cleaning bag (its been a LONG time since I had this shirt dry cleaned). I drove about three hours intermittently with the windows down and sunroof open.

I hugged about 7 people and moved around quite a bit.

So? Well, I went to a meeting tonight and the topic was on Death from the Just For Today book:



After the reading, I look down on my shirt and find a kinky strand of my dog's hair.

Thanks for looking out for me, Shaman. I needed that.

How tall are you barefoot?
5'11'ish
Have you ever smoked heroin?
yes
Do you own a gun?
no (wait... if you;re referring to dick than, yes, yes I do own a 'gun')
Rehab?
twice
Do you get nervous before making phone calls?
sometimes. usually when I'm calling females
What do you think of your friends?
IRL? don't have any. Online... they are fucking awesome
What's your favorite Christmas song?
don't have one
What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
water, carb powder, pre-workout supplement
Do you do push-ups?
yes but they are fucking boring
Have you ever done ecstasy?
yeah
Are you vegetarian?
nope
Do you like painkillers?
not for me. I don't fuck around with drugs
What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
I stare at them until they feel uncomfortable and call the police.
What time did you wake up today?
6:03 am
Current worry?
Is she ok?
Current hate?
the damage addiction causes
Do you own slippers?
no
Do you burn or tan?
I used to burn like a motherfucker but since moving to CO I am getting tan
What songs do you sing in the shower?
I don't sing in the shower
How many TVs do you have in your house?
2
Do you wish on stars?
no
What song do/did you want played at your wedding?
I dunno... maybe something by Loreena McKennitt
What song do you want played at your funeral?
Macy Gray - The Letter
Do you love someone?
dunno

When I was in rehab my therapist said that she had no doubt in her mind that I would do fine with the recovery aspect of my addiction. Her concern was regarding acceptance of the mental health side of my diagnosis.

This is still fucking with me. This is how my paperwork reads:




They never diagnosed me for ANYTHING. I was never in a room with a psychiatrist or psychologist for more than 5 minutes. I was never assessed, diagnosed or even paid attention to by you fuckers. You went strictly by what happened 17 years ago after my last rehab. You fuckers threw pills at me in 1993 because I was fucking sad. Everyone gets sad, man. Why the pills?

Why am I bringing this up now? Recently, more than one person has mentioned that I may have a eating disorder. They mentioned that my comments regarding my perception of my body are indicative of a disorder and not necessarily my eating habits.

I don't think I have a disorder but... that lady at the rehab's words are fucking with me. Am I unable to accept that I have mental health issues? Yes, I sometimes feel utter loathing for myself but this is nothing compared to the sheer hatred i used to feel towards myself.

I dunno... how can you piggy-back a 17 year old 'diagnosis'? How can you say I have mental health issues when none of my Axis indicate this anyway? You typed that shit out and now you wanna say some shit off the fucking record.

Go fuck yourself. I'm good now. You have no idea how good I am right here, right now.

Off the album "punk in drublic" by NOFX

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mxRqKKVqjRw

Even if it's easy to be free
What's your definition of freedom?
And who the fuck are you, anyway?
Who the fuck are they?
Who the fuck am I to say?
What the fuck is really going on?

How did the cat get so fat?
Why does the family die?
Do you care why?

Cause there hasn't been a sign
Of anything gettin' better in the ghetto
People's sped up
Getting fed up

You point your fuckin' finger
You racist, you bigot
But that's not the problem
Now is it?

It's all about the money
Political power is taken
Protecting the rich, denying the poor
Yeah, they love to watch the world from the White House
And I wonder...

How can they sleep at night?
How can they sleep at night?
How did the cat get so fat?
How did the cat get so fat?
How did the cat get so fat?
How did the cat get so fat?

Well things have been pretty good lately. Took my gal on a date the other day, lunch at a yummy "Chinese" restaurant. Then we went for a walk around downtown and sat in a garden in front of a hotel. We lounged on the grass enjoying the view and our conversation, which can get pretty hilarious at times.

Things have been up and down but we are still going strong through the rough and good times. We are having more good then rough. Last week it was more rough than good but things are getting better now that we have discussed a few things.

We both still have insecurities and trust issues but we realize it takes time but we will work through it. Neither one of us has done anything that would warrant anything but our pasts lead us this way. We need to overcome our pasts to trust in our futures. That takes hard work and time.

We have talked about the possibility of moving in together once her lease is up which is September 2012 (1yr from now). She has also been asking ab out how to deal with Austin. I have never really mentioned but a couple people know on here, but my son has ADHD, ODD, and PTSD. Austin (my son) is....an ..... interesting child to say. Mind you he's very intelligent, he's well mannered, he socializes well and will do great things in life BUT he challenges and defies authority, he's extremely violent at times, hurtful with no remorse, and formerly (not anymore) a danger to himself. He's depressed and low self esteem as well. Most days he's a pretty good kid, trying but good. Other days, he's the spawn of evil. Love him to bits. So as I was saying, Sandra (my gal) has been looking up things to help with Austin, asking how I deal with it. She's even talked about wanting to be involved with his stuff (parent teacher, sports games, meetings, etc) in due time. Yet when she's giving input in which I love hearing - she second guesses herself or worries I will get mad and says, "Well, I'm not trying to tell you what to do, I'm not his mom and all". What she seems to not get is that after a certain amount of time (still awhile away yet) / after moving in/ etc. one then becomes a step-parent if the relationship is established to be more than a fling and we've already established that we are more than a fling. So needs to realize that she is slowly becoming a member of this family - like it or not LOL

I'm not griping or complaining, just getting thoughts out. I'm actually in a great mood right now.

My doc asked me if there's any chance I could be pregnant, I said "Immaculate conception?" she didn't get it at first so I had to elaborate that I am in a female-female (lesbian) relationship and only way pregnancy is possible is if I was the virgin mary....and I haven't been a virgin since 1997 LOL

I have a chest infection again

Here's a recent pic.
http://tinypic.com/r/2i73clc/7

I don't take xanax that much for the mere fact I can't/don't have it. (I've never been addicted to benzos). But when I come across some alprazolam 2mg bars (u$a brand) everryone once in a while I would sometimes just eat maybe one or 1 1/2 bars to start but started take like 2 or 3 bars in a course of one night and would just black out and remember nothing... I am glad i've learned the easiest way you could say to what benzo addiction counld do to someone, thank god i've never had the chance or the prescriptions to fulfull a benzo habit... But when i would take one it was pretty nice (I was prescribed 30mg Temazepam pills for 3-4 years)....i lost it cuz i lost my medical insurance when i turned 26..

8(Hi! i want u all to try something new while smoking weed..............
Rather don't call it weed cause weed means the plants which are unwanted but is marijuana bad no not at all........
while smoking a joint always breath out all the smoke for your nose not from mouth it's great just try............
and for those who loves to get a trip like me pls use codine along with marijuana and just have a dose of that before smoke n just relax when u fell the trip is fading get another dose of it it really works believe me but I am quite addicted take it responsibly..................

Brittany wanted to add a few blogs and wanted me to add her picture. So, here they are. I have given her a few tips and trying to help her become a better story writer because her blogs are always more of just documenting what she does. I am trying to help her
make them more interesting and she is getting better. tell me what yall think.



"candy. who loves candy? i do i do. so what am i gonna do. im gonna do a little blog. so the first step to a good candy is peanut butter. oooo i love peanut butter. how bout we mix some carmel in with it. not just a little a lot of that gooey yummy smooth carmel. lets add a little bit of chocolate too. but just a little cause i dont really like chocolate. well that would be the perfect cholate candy. we could even add a little bit of butterfinger in there. now that would be the perfect sweet candy. but what i really LOVE is sour candy. it would be so good to have a cherry laffy taffey with the sprinkles in it with some red and blue sour gummy worms and sour patch kids in there. sprinked with sour patch dust. mmmmm. please someone invent this for me. its the recipe to the best candy ever. who loves candy? brittany loves candy. do you like candy? what is your recipe to a perfect candy?"

"what are you thinking about when you wake up? well i ususlly am thinking that im not ready to get up. so what do i do? i roll over and turn on my radio. thats right i dont even get out of the bed. i always make sure my radio is close to my bed. so after i turn it on i turn it up and lay there listening until the music motivates me to get up. sometimes it take 5min and sometimes it will take an hour. it really just depends on what there playing on the radio. this morning the song that got me moving this morning was maroon 5 macjagger. well with this being said i think everyone should know "my name is brittany and im addicted to good music" what motivates you to wake up everyday?"

my arm itches like a motherfucker for no reason
and my house is making really creepy noises

asleep

i realize some people have been having issues removing their blog posts. so i thought a step by step guide would be useful

to delete a blog entry

1. open up the specific post you want to delete. for example, if i want to delete this entry, the url should be

   http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/entries/4547-working-out-success!

   . you can not do this from the main page of your blog (where you see all your blog entries). you have to be on the page of a specific entry
2. hover over the title of your entry and click on the little pencil.
3. check the box that says delete this post. you can add a message about why you are deleting it but it is not necessary.
4. click the delete button.

Do you have the guts take this survey?
Dumb question. Next.

Would you do meth if it was legalized?
Nope, it's enough enough to find and do as it is without getting caught (for me, at least. I don't have anyone shoving drug tests at me). All stimulants can go fuck themselves as far as I'm concerned.

Abortion: for or against it?
Aside from extreme cases, I'm very much against it. And that makes me a hypocrite.

Do you think the world would fail with a female president?
No.

Do you believe in the death penalty?
In extreme cases.

Do you wish marijuana would be legalized already?
Um. It is legal.

Are you for or against premarital sex?
I love sex

Do you believe in God?
Yes and no. I'm agnostic.

Do you think same sex marriage should be legalized?
Yes. Homosexuality doesn't bother me at all. Well, aside from the DADT repeal in the U.S. military, which pisses me the fuck off. But that's another story entirely.

Do you think it's wrong that so many Hispanics are illegally moving to the country?
Yes.

A twelve year old girl has a baby, should she keep it?
No. God, can a 12 year old's body even carry a baby to full term?

Should the alcohol age be lowered to eighteen?
I think it should be lowered to 14 - get all of the partying out of their system, or at least learn how to drink responsibly, before they're legally able to get behind the wheel of a car.

Should the war in Iraq be called off?
We're in Afghanistan now. Get with the times.

Assisted suicide is illegal: do you agree?
Well, I don't believe in suicide in general. However. If you are already dying of cancer, or if there is any instance in which death is inevitable sooner than later, I feel you should have the choice to avoid dragging out all of the suffering and medical costs and etc.

Do you believe in spanking children?
No, just punching babies.
Kidding.

Would you burn an American flag for a million dollars?
No. No. NO. No. And HELL NO. Did I make myself clear?
But if anyone did do that, I'd kill them for free.

Who do you think would be a better president: McCain or Obama?
McCain. That's who I voted for to begin with, and I stick by my decision. What the FUCK has Obama done to this country?

Do you think Obama will be killed?
No. We are not living in the times of Kennedy or Martin Luther King Jr. where everyone is racist against black people and politicians' security sucks.

Should child predators be forced to wear signs identifying themselves?
Megan's Law, Perverted Justice, and To Catch A Predator is enough. I hate pedophiles with a burning passion, but I think we've done as much as we can to deter them.

Are you afraid others will judge you from reading some of your answers?
No. I don't even care about what the people in real life think of me, so why should I care on here?

It's been almost 5 years since she died. Suddenly. Out of the blue.

I'm not dealing with it well. It still feels like yesterday, really. I can still see her body lying on the floor, face down in a pool of her own blood. She must have been standing and fell over when her heart gave out, right onto her face. I think she broke her nose. I hope she wasn't conscious for that pain. I hope she wasn't in any pain at all.

But to know that she died in the next room. That's the hardest part. Maybe I could have done something if I wasn't such a heavy sleeper. If I left the door to my room open I could have heard her fall. Did she scream for help? Did she die all alone, knowing that her children were in the same house but not coming to her aid, still asleep? I could have called 911 and an ambulance could have come with the tools to revive her. It didn't have to be her time to go.

I went to bed that night with a mother and woke up without one. We had paella for dinner. She asked me how school was. I watched Tom Green's web cast. I went to bed later than I should have.

At 7am I woke up to my brother's nagging. He told me my mother was sleeping on the floor. I wasn't sure what he meant. But my brother was the one who found her. I looked in the room where she slept and saw her face down, lying on the floor. It was very unusual. I remember the fear I had that something bad happened. I had to check to see if she was still alive. When I saw the blood I knew. I felt that ghastly feeling of death being so near. I yelled at her to wake up. I screamed at her to get off the floor. I said a silent prayer. I never prayed so hard in my life. I didn't see any signs of breathing. No up and down motion. No snoring. She snored very loudly when she slept.

I can still remember the color of her lifeless feet, the blood pooling with gravity of a heart that stopped beating and sending oxygen filled, life-giving blood circulating through her body just a few hours before. I called 911. I told them my mother wasn't breathing. That I woke up and found her on the floor. It took forever and a split second for the ambulance to come, along with police. The emergency service people started working on her. Giving her oxygen and electric shocks. I remember the female paramedic telling me it was going to be okay. I wasn't sure what she meant. What was going to be okay? It turned out that she didn't mean my mom was going to be okay. I understand that now. She meant that me and my brother would be able to get through this loss.

We rode to the hospital in the back of a police car. They always send police when there's a "not breathing" call. We sat in the hospital, waiting. I don't know how I got to the waiting room. It's all a blur. I remember the team of doctors coming into the waiting room. "She didn't make it." How many times had I seen this on TV? I thanked them for trying to save my mommy. I was in too much shock to start losing it. I called my best friend. She didn't answer. She was still asleep, like I would have been. I called another close friend. I told her my mom just died. I had to tell someone. I used my dead mom's ATM card to get money for a taxi home. It was then when I started crying. I've stopped crying on the outside. Not a day goes by that I don't cry on the inside.

I don't know how I'm going to function that day, the anniversary. I don't know why I put so much emphasis on the anniversary of her death. She's still going to be dead the day before and the day after.

Luckily I don't have class that day. Hopefully I will be able to score that day and just numb out. I can't deal. I know I should get therapy and I've tried before but I wasn't ready to talk about it... I am still not ready. I miss her so much. She died at a very bad point in our relationship. Sometimes I feel like I killed her. Not literally of course but figuratively. Even though I also intellectually know she was in poor health and her drinking made it worse.